Fah'tassnkkbe'ard

Quetzicoatle

Ted.

Tim

>>5459942

This.

>>5459946
>>5459942

monosyllabic-first-names-that-start-with-the-consonant-'T'-mind!

Tom

Mahalshalalhashbaz

>>5459958
Tlaox

Steve.

rolled 18 = 18

Xom

tammyGURL19XOXO

Muad'Dib

>>5459942
"Ted! Ia! Great and mighty Ted! Heed my words and come to me! Ia fthagn! Ia! Ted, wise and powerful, attend your humble servant! Ia!"

You feel a tiny fraction of your great consciousness being drawn towards this tiny planet. You're certain that you could resist the pull with even the tiniest of efforts. However, investigation may prove amusing.

Ia! What do you do? Ia!

Zeladothag!

Hideous Piping, and mad dreaming.

>>5460004
I offer him a doughnut. They're fucking tasty.

THERE IS NON BUT TED. ASSIMILATE THE OTHER CONSCIOUSNESS INTO OUR OWN

>>5460004
Lets go manifest as a small young female of whatever race it is thats summoning us.

>>5460004

Hit up the Dreamlands for some bitches and an interdimensional Pimp Cane, then cruise onto this new planet in style.

>>5460029
>Lets go manifest as a small young female of whatever race it is thats summoning us.
>Hit up the Dreamlands for some bitches and an interdimensional Pimp Cane, then cruise onto this new planet in style.

The room is lit by dozens of black candles. The scent of lamb's blood and cheap incense fills the air. As your manifestation appears in a burst of hideous noise, the scent of urine quickly joins it.
"...holy... holy fuck. It actually worked." The supplicant is some sort of biped- squishy, pink, its head covered with some greasy keratinous tendrils. Two eyes stare forth from its face, and a salty water trickles forth from them. It quickly falls to its knees.

rolled 34 = 34

>insignificant pale blue dot, a speck of dust suspended in a sunbeam

Is dat sum Carl Sagan?

>>5460073

Make a scary face, make a scary face!

rolled 14 = 14

>>5460073
Seer away the stench.

>>5460073

INFORM THIS STRANGE CREATURE HE IS TO REFER TO US AS 'A PIMP NAMED TED'.

COMMENCE PIMP SLAP SO IT KNOWS WHO IS THE DOMINANT ORGANISM IN THIS WORLD

Ask it why it summoned you here. Lets let it think its in control.

>>5460073
Upon noticing your form, however, the supplicant raises an eyebrow. "You... you're really Ted, the magnificent, the unfathomable?"
This being's thoughts are far louder than its words. He expresses doubt that your manifestation truly is the being he was seeking to summon. He also expresses some vindication- apparently, the elder cultists did not expect him to be capable of summoning anything at all.

You notice that you are surrounded by a chalk PENTAGRAM. The runes, if properly drawn, might be sufficient to hold a By'a'kee confined. They are sloppy. They pose no threat to you.

>>5460105

Pimp slap this little bitch.

We are Ted, the Pimp. The size of our energetic abominable wang is such that its length may only be comprehended as the cardinality of a transfinite set!

Assure it that we are indeed ted GREAT AND POWERFUL. And we shall grant it three wishes.

>>5460082
>Make a scary face.
You make a VERY SCARY FACE. The scent of urine suddenly becomes much more pronounced. The supplicant nearly faints.

>>5460102
>Ask the supplicant why you were summoned.
The supplicant's response, after seeing your SCARY FACE, is mostly incoherent gibbering. Using your UNEARTHLY INTELLECT, you deduce that he did not actually have a specific goal in mind for the summoning, and simply wished to spite the other members of the cult who did not thing he'd be able to draw the attention of anything worthwhile.

>>5460128

And the best way to ensure it that we are indeed great and powerful is with the mother of all pimp slaps

>>5460139
Provide him with three wishes.
Then, we are going for a walk in this plane.

>>5460089
Strike the earth with our Pimp Cane to redecorate the room into something tasteful yet incredibly outlandish, as befits our magnificence. Then commence with the Pimp Slap of Power treatment to demonstrate dominance over this meatbag.

rolled 3 = 3

>>5460128
The three wishes thing is always good for shits and giggles. We can kill him on the spot if we don't feel like granting them.

>>5460147

I'm thinking purple diamond encrusted velvet. Aww yeah, no one brings the extradimensional horror with as much muh' fuggin' STYLE as a pimp named Ted

>>5460128
>Assure it that we are indeed ted GREAT AND POWERFUL. And we shall grant it three wishes.

You detect hope, and a small degree of incredulity, in the mind of the supplicant. It manages to mutter pleas for forgiveness for disturbing your great slumber, blah blah blah.
It considers long and hard. Clearly, it has been warned to be careful whenever making a wish, but greed clouds its judgment.
"I wish... I wish I had the strength and sorcererous power to become a thousand times more powerful than Master DuMerde!"
Searching its memory, you find that it is thinking about a member of this species' aristocricy, some two bit sorcerer who has fooled himself into thinking that he is any less insignificant than anything else on this pebble.

>>5460194
Make Master DuMerde a thousand times weaker than this supplicant bastard.

Next wish.

>>5460194
Yeah sure. Grant it to him. Give him a million times that power. Give him the ability to control that shit perfectly too and to not go insane. Why not, huh? It'll be fun to see how he fucks it up.

"Two more wishes. You have very little time. Go."

rolled 1 = 1

>>5460194
I think this is a good time to drive him insane with knowledge.

Grant his wish, but make it so that every time he casts a spell he dies slightly.

>>5460194
Easy. Increase his power level by doubling it. Decrease Master DuMerde's power level by dividing it by 50. Done.

>>5460163
As the supplicant speaks his first wish, asking that you elevate him far above the leader of his cult, you absent-mindedly begin redecorating the summoning chamber in a cyclopeanly pimpish fashion.
The fact that you are able to act beyond the limits of the pentagram should be a dead giveaway that the runes are useless, but the supplicant appears too distracted to notice.

Kill the leader of the cult, surely his is more powerful than a dead man.

>>5460194
"GRANTED." Polymorph him into a shoggoth.

Ask him what he hopes to do with this power.

Just because we're an unfathomable cosmic horror doesn't mean we can't appreciate the consequences of our actions.

>>5460217
>Easy. Increase his power level by doubling it. Decrease Master DuMerde's power level by dividing it by 50. Done.
The supplicant clutches his forehead as eldritch lore flows into it. He doesn't seem to realize that it isn't nearly so much as he asked for.
"Thank you, great Lord of all things fly and pimpin'!" He deliberates for a while on the terms of his second wish. He briefly considers attempting to help his species in general, but greed wins out.

"I wish for boundless wealth, glory, and fame!"

Transform him into the words richest, most ugly, fattest man.

>>5460250
Punish him for his avarice. How dare he waste our time with peurile materialism?

Give him a chance to try again though...if he can provide a good reason for his next choice.

Give it to him. What do we care? When all this is over we'll turn him into our bitch. That'll get him wealth and glory alright.

>>5460233
(Damn, sorry I missed that. Oh, what the hell.)
You set into motion a slow transformation.

As the supplicant begins speaking his second wish, the edges of his mortal form begin to blur, and his words begin to devolve into gibbering even more incomprehensible than before.
Of course, being an Eldritch Abomination, you are perfectly able to comprehend them.

>>5460219

Decrease his power to nothing. Decrease the leader of the cult's power to nothing. 1000 times zero is zero. There you go.

Do nothing. Claim we've granted his wish

>>5460257
>Transform him into the world's richest, ugliest, fattest man.
As he is now gradually becoming a shoggoth, the second and third terms may already be entirely dealt with. You accelerate the change.
Most of his body is now entirely invisible in the puny 3+1 dimensional space which his species observes. Only you are current able to see its chaotic rolling extent. You are proud of your handywork.

As an afterthought, you transform the remainder of his house into solid platinum.

His third wish, in the gibbering of a shoggoth, amounts to "FEED ME".

>>5460303

Give him a donut.

Feed him himself, until he blinks out of existence.

Feed him the full extent of the knowledge of what he's become.

Then turn him into a streetwalker of his species. and promise that if he does good he can have all the meat he wants...

We are the lord of all pimp afterall.

>>5460309

No, no!

An EVIL donut.

>>5460309
Made from pure explodium.

But not before we deliberately redraw the chalk summoning circle into an artistic yet pimpin' pattern, to demonstrate just how useless it is.

>>5460309
dougnut sounds good.
Add arsenic for flavor.

Discard the oaf and move on to more important matters.

>>5460250
Give him a small mechanical device which produces the most valuable substance known:

antimatter

>Feed him the full extent of the knowledge of what he's become.

Libraries worth of indescribable information are poured into the shoggoth's mind. It quickly becomes aware of the strengths and limitations of its form.
Last Tuesday- billions of years ago, from this world's perspective- another race ruled. The scholars of this planet simply call them the "Elder Things", and you are as far above them as they are above this world's current inhabitants.
They created shoggoths, they enslaved them, and they were eventually consumed by them.

The tiny fragment of the shoggoth's mind that is still human also becomes aware of this fact. It screams. Or at least it would, if it was not already screaming.

>Evil donut made from pure explodium.
It is done.

> But not before we deliberately redraw the chalk summoning circle into an artistic yet pimpin' pattern, to demonstrate just how useless it is.
It is done.

As a pseudopod reaches forth to consume the EXPLODIUM DONUT, it... reacts predictably. The house- and every building for forty blocks in every direction- is no more.
The shoggoth is scattered to the four winds. It is not destroyed, but it will take time to reform unaided.
You are completely unharmed.

Lets go get us some bitches.

We'll do this undercover. Nyarlethotep style. Just a stranger from a strange land. Not a cosmic being at all.

>>5460382
Take a stroll to adjust to your temporary residence.

Let's go for a walk.

Is the moon out?

>>5460382
Rebuild the surrounding buildings. Except rearrange them, and the roads, and the utilities and whatnot, to make an enormous 3-D sigil that helps increase our power and our Pimpitude, and rebuild Pathetic Cultist's house into something befitting our splendor and style.

I mean, we don't need it, but when in a fleshbag body one may as well enjoy the fleshbag pleasures.

>>5460394
>Bitches
I know who you need to call.

>>5460394

Give Nyarly a holler, ask him if he's up for an epic shindig some time in the next decade or five.

>>5460394
>Get bitches. Undercover.
Your DREAMLAND PIMP CLOTHES were destroyed in the explosion. With but a thought, new ones form around you. A quick jaunt through a sideways dimension, and you are standing at the edge of the CRATER rather than floating above it.

>Take a stroll to adjust to your temporary residence.
You standing at the edge of a crater. The thoughts of thousands of panicked humans are easily audiable.
You see a street, lined with houses- the windows shattered by the shockwave of the explosion- and trees- their leaves blown off by same.
Reaching your mind out a little farther, you hear the thoughts of millions of humans, and billions of only-slightly-lesser beings- rats and such- centered in a settlement a few miles to the north.

>>5460382

Contact our "cult" in this place, if it is even worth the term. Find out what they have been doing to further our power and grandeur. Punish and reward accordingly.

>>5460430
The surroundings are rebuild, from the dust that remains after the explosion, and from dust pulled from far beyond this world.
If a couple of formerly parallel streets happen to intersect now... while still remaining completely parallel... well, that's just artistic license.

>>5460463
Is there a complete lack of right angles?

rolled 7 = 7

>>5460463
Give a few minor things shapes that drive people insane.

>>5460474
Angles are wrong, stars are right, etc.

Find some deep ones, make them worship you.

>>5460403
>Is the moon out?
The moon is waxing and gibbous. See pic.

>Give Nyarly a holler, ask him if he's up for an epic shindig some time in the next decade or five.
You get the eldritch equivalent of a busy signal. Apparently, he's on the phone with Cthulhu.

>Contact our "cult" in this place, if it is even worth the term. Find out what they have been doing to further our power and grandeur. Punish and reward accordingly.

It appears that your cult in the city of "Toronto" was lead by an Alexander DuMerde, who only minutes ago simultaneously suffered a mysterious heart attack, brain aneurysm, and ninety years of aging.
Your cults practice temple prostitution, in honour of the FATHER OF ALL PIMPS. Most pimps in the city are pawns of Du Merde. Those that are not are frequently murdered.

However, the actual "chanting and sacrificing" rituals in your honour appear to have been poorly conducted- mispronounciations and bad grammar everywhere.

>>5460456
But according to our whims, not their concepts of success. I mean, we aren't here for an epic plot or shit. We're basically just a Cosmic Horror who decided to vacation on Earth this millenium. Trying to get in before the crowds ruin it, so to speak.

Aquire bitches.
Start pimping.

>>5460463
There is a complete lack of right angles in the rebuilt section of the city, and many random objects are twisted into insanity-inducing shapes. As an afterthought, you place a flamboyant feathered cap on top of the stone-but-yet-not-stone spire at the centre of the region. Classy.

>>5460507

Possess a prostitute and go find the second in command.

rolled 13 = 13

Go to that large mass of people and see what's going on.

>>5460507
Well, just rearrange the speech centers of our cultists so they can get the pronunciations right. Besides, tongue alterations for some of our ladies will make the johns happy. And for the couple of guys in the stable, they'll make the janes VERY happy.

Lets give everyone in the city the reproductive organs of both genders and the secondary sexual characteristics of the females. It'll just be good for buisness.

>>5460507
While we wait why not enjoy some local specialties. I hear the single mom tastes great this time of year.

>>5460550
>>5460525
Across the city, a 22 year old blonde hooker's consciousness is rudely shoved aside to make room for your magnificence. (Unless you specify otherwise, I'll assume she's aware of everything she's doing, but unable to influence it at all. Expect massive SAN loss)
The few veneral diseases she bore are instantly cured, to be replaced with far subtler ones at your whim.
You hail a taxi, and begin making your way to the penthouse of the cult's second in command.

>Rearrange the bodies of cultists.
It is no great task for you to identify forty or so inner cultists in this city, about a five hundred pimps who may or may not be vaguely aware of your existence, and about three thousand prostitutes, 82% of which are female.
They are hastily modified. No anaesthetic.

>>5460587
Well, now the second in command knows something is abound in town.

Go meet him. Or her.

>>5460587

I don't remember having a need for her sanity.

Influence the driver so he goes as fast as possible. If he kills something, no big deal.

Lets make sure whoever sees us in this form will be consumed with an unsatiable lust. Male, Female, Child, Elder, Animal, Sentient. They shall all be overwhelmed with the need to screw whatever or whoever is closest at hand.

>>5460564

Well, I hear that if you want to eat out there's some excellent Chinese to be had in Toronto.

Oooh, after we are done with the cultist, let us leave a souvenir. Something along the lines of the Hand of Vecna, but the Cock of Ted instead.

(You maintain the "Little girl in pimp clothes" manifestation near the site at which you were originally summoned. Controlling two bodies at once is no challenge to a consciousness as vast as yours.)

>>5460614
>FASTER, LITTLE MAN!!
The cabbie nods in mute acceptance, and accelerates to over 140 miles per hour. Over city streets that, even at 3 am, are crowed. You shift the car slightly out of phase with reality, so that it is not grievously harmed in the inevitable collisions. The other vehicles are not so lucky.

>>5460587

Ask Shub-Niggurath to bestow our host but a tiny fraction of her horrible fecundity.

>>5460587
Transform taxi into suitable pimpmobile.
I'm thinking gold Impala with red interior.

>>5460638
Stick our head out through the sunroof, put our arms to the sides, and enjoy the cool nighttime breeze.

If the taxi didn't have a sunroof before, it does now. A really nice one, that literally disappears at the touch of a button.

We'll remake this taxi into the most bitchin' taxi in all of Toronto! The price is that for some reason every station and any CD inserted into it plays funk, soul, bebop, and other such tunes. But it plays the good stuff.

>>5460618
(Just your manifestation, or also the possessed prostitute?)

The taxi soon arrives outside a large apartment building. Driven on by your command to get there "as fast as possible", the cabbie drives right through the front doors, breaking wood, glass, steel and concrete in the process.
The taxi finally stops, wedged between the doors of an elevator.

>>5460662

Every cassette tape left in the cab for more than a fortnight becomes a Best of Queen album.

>>5460672

Still gotta transform the cab, so do that and send it on its merry way outside.

Can we pour up the elevator shaft to the appropriate floor?

>>5460672
While the prostitute is taking care of "business" we go as the manifestation to somewhere were we can grab a bite to eat.

>>5460649
>>5460662
The taxi is now BITCHIN' to an extent that MAN WAS NEVER MEANT TO WITNESS. It's still wedged between the doors of a hotel elevator, but there's not a scratch on it.

>>5460647
Shubb-Niggurath would be happy to oblige. You suddenly feel as if your host is far, far more fecund. Just how this affects her fertility has yet to be determinded.

>>5460680
My suggestion was far more 70s Pimp in its essence. That's something that happens to pathetic demons. We don't care about them, except in so far as they add a little bit of extra spice to the standard crunch of angelic flesh.

>>5460672
Have the taxi driver and the prostitute console each other. Our personal manifestation (the little girl) is brought over here and we walk up to the penthouse. Via the elevator shaft. And through the floor.

Announce your presence there to be noticed by the people in charge, stand in awesome way along with the car

>Just how this affects her fertility has yet to be determinded.

I love surprises.

Continue up the elevator, but stay focused. Sure, these pathetic ants can do nothing to harm or even inconvenience us, but abominations from beyond reality should always be careful of details.

>>5460672
Both. Wherever our conciousness is.

>>5460691
Isn't that what the least amusing cultists are for?

>>5460686
You pour up the elevator shaft, through the cracks in the highest door, and emerge in a lavishly furnished penthouse. Your host does NOT seem to appreciate this.

>>5460691
All humans within the blast radius of the EXPLODIUM DONUT have been reduced to their constituent atoms. You venture out into the suburbs. There are few out- it's three am- but those who see you quickly devolve mentally into something like unto /d/.
Several houses seem to contain suitably tasty "single mothers", but it's a few minutes before you find one that is Chinese, as you crave.

>>5460727
We leave her sweaty, satisfied, a little hoarse from screaming our true name, and fully converted to our glory.

We should make all nonsuitable single mothers attempt to pimp themselves out to their children

>>5460727

Take human form again and show him the prostitute's vagina.

Then speak through it and ask him what his life is worth.

The cult's second in command is a man in his late 30's. He sits in a hot tub, flanked by a pair of prostitutes. A fair amount of phlegm has been coughed into the water during your modifications of them.
As they notice your host walk in, both prostitutes are immediately overcome by your AURA OF LUST. The cult leader, however, is strong willed enough to glorify your name, and offer you (now correctly pronounced) praise.

>>5460762
Are either of the chinese?

>>5460753

Only if the results are hot, though. In general, we much prefer attractive incest.

When the incest would be unattractive, we just encourage the mothers to pimp themselves out. Their children are optional, but a pleasant bonus.

inform everyone you are indeed "the new don"

>>5460739

I like this. Allow her to become one of our honored disciples on the condition that she join us in eating her offspring.

>>5460772
>>5460760
The cult leader is too overcome by the aura to answer intelligibly. A quick scan of his mind reveals that he is devoted and eager to serve you, but, at heart, is a coward, afraid of death or true madness.

(Yes, the prostitute on the left is Chinese)

>>5460753
(How do you intend to do this? Appear simultaniously in the dreams of every single mother in the city? Sleepwalking? Go door to door and demand worship?)

>>5460782
No, no, eating her offspring OUT.

That last word conveys a subtle but rather important distinction in our modus operandi.

I mean, sure, we'll just flat out eat people too. But only the people that aren't interesting to us. The ones that are, we play with.

>>5460791

Show the cult leader exactly what death is like.

>>5460782
"Yes, O Glorious Ted." She is powerless to resist. As she obeys, however, tears stream down her cheeks.

>>5460791
Give him diet madness instead, then.

It's pretty much exactly like true madness, except for fewer mental calories. And a slightly higher chance of unpleasant mutagenic side effects down the road.

As for death, make sure he knows that he's not going to die while we're here. Make sure he doesn't know that once we leave, or ceases to amuse us, we don't really give two shits about him.

>>5460800
You amend your command, but not before she has woken up her thirteen year old daughter. By biting her ear off.

>>5460807
You do.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_petite_mort
He takes it surprisingly well, but still shivers in terror.

>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_petite_mort

...well played, sir.

>>5460836
We lick the ear back on, and make it a better ear. It can pick up radio now! And also lets us speak directly into her daughter's mind in our own language, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

The daughter's ear is repaired. She looks extremely surprised at first, but is quickly overcome by your AURA OF LUST.

The cult leader, overcome with La Petite Mort and your Diet Madness, grovels at your feet.

>>5460753
We simply enter their minds and change things. Shouldnt be too hard. A form of madness, nothing more.

>>5460926
But is it the most fun way to do things?

I think that going house to house like a sort of Pimp Santa would give us much more enjoyment.

My apologies, Ted, but I must soon return to my mad dreaming. See what you can get done in the next twenty minutes.

>>5460926
You reach across the city, altering suitable minds at random.

Have the cult leader explain what he is doing to further your influence, why he has failed to meet even 1% of your expectations, and why you shouldn't eliminate him from all of time and space.

>I think that going house to house like a sort of Pimp Santa would give us much more enjoyment.
You manifest a JOLLY OLD MAN, with a BITCHIN RED FUR ROBE, a RED POINTY HAT holding a PIMPIN' FEATHER, a PIMP CANE covered in SQUAMOUS MISTLETOE, and emmanating your AURA OF LUST.

Your other two manifestations continue as before.

>>5460951
Fuck that. Eliminate him from existane. Then, once he knows what its like. Bring him back. Then ask why he has failed us.

>>5460943

In that case, when are you likely to summon us again?

>>5460969
He's in it for the ho ho hos.

>>5460951
He begs and pleads, trying to explain that he wasn't entirely sure just what your expectations actually WERE- y'nknow, unguessable incomprehensibility and all that- and just generally grovels.

>>5460972
You cast him beyond space and time, count to twenty, then draw him back. From his point of view, twenty trillion years have passed. He is not happy.

Failure to comprehend The Pimp of Entropy is no excuse.

Inform him of his duties. As compensation for twenty trillion years of utter madness, tell him the secret of making ice cream that doesn't melt.

>>5461003
No. Ice cream that melts in your mouth, but not in your hand. Or spoon. And that always maintains the right texture, instead of having the water eventually start to crystallize out of it.

reduce this blubbering waste to atoms
search for a suitable being on this planet, nay, this system, who may behold our might and do our bidding

we need to gather the gods together and ask them whats up, what they feel like doing.. maybe have some fights with them?
take over/destroy the universe and exist in void?

>>5461016
it is orgasm flavored.

>>5460979
I'll likely be back in about 68 hours- that is to say, monday night- but I'm not feeling all that reliable.

>>5461003
You restore enough of his sanity to comprehend his duties and the Secret of Exalted Ice Cream, but whatever personality he once had has been gone for at least 19.9 tera-anna.
Shakily, he nods.

>>5461038
So there's probably chocolate involved. A bit of cinnamon, a dash of pineapple, a hint of durian for some muskiness...

Impregnate the prostitute host with whatever eldritch sperm-analog Ted possesses.

>>5461074
It is done. Thanks to her IMPROVED FECUNDITY, she is now pregnant with not one, but thousands of PIMPSPAWN.

>>5461115
adjust her body to be able to handle that. That means thousands of milk heavy breasts that ooze pure pimpmilk.

>>5461134
It is done. You hear what is left of her consciousness scream. The two prostitutes in attendance also scream, this time audiably.

You sense several puny humans being reassembled from the dust of the area devestated by your EXPLODIUM DONUT. This feels like Nyharlehotep's work.

>>5461115

The spawn should appear thus

Make sure she doesn't utterly lose her mind. It's funnier when she is forced to acknowledge the true horror of her existence.

Man, are we gonna wind up in a rockoff against Nyarly again? Goddamn, how many times we got to be explaining to that punk that the egyptian sound just dont fly no more. Go investigate.

This...is...so...awesome.

>BITCHIN' in a way Man was never meant to comprehend

I lol'ed.

>>5461212
Unless you manifest something else, your SANTAPIMP form, being the closest, will investigate.

>>5461207
Some fragment of her self awareness will be preserved.

Look at the two screaming whores. "Bitches, follow."

Go see what 'Lathotep is up too.

>>5461306
And with that, I must return to the mad sleep of a blind idiot god. See you in the Timeless Aeons. Or Monday. Whatever comes first.

We need a procession of naked men with red capes and women on their cocks, legs wrapped around the men's waists.
They gush a mixture of the appropriate fluids from their genitalia, and they shall follow behind each of our manifestations.

Farewell!

Qwhf'klghn trglnf-gfh. But you may call me Qwhf.

fhqwhgads.