We ended up with a Rogue trap smith, a Ranger specializing in anti-elf warfare, a Sorcerer with a charisma high enough he had the whole party thinking he was half-dragon, and the Barbarian, called Humanslayer. He had the kobold equivalent of an 18 strength and had stolen a dwarven waraxe from somewhere; the ax weighed twenty pounds, Humanslayer barely reached forty. He fought by getting *very* angry, and then struggling to get the ax spinning around in circles. After that he just focused on keeping it moving (in circles) and let everyone else worry about where he was going.

The kobolds are acting as troubleshooters for a very very very big black dragon, and are informed that a unicorn has moved into the Boss' territory; it's killing honest goblins, reclaiming blightland for woods, and curing the rampant malaria and swamp-fever the dragon was using to drive out the pesky humans. This Just Won't Do, and the PCs get dispatched to put a stop to it.

From here we have the famous brainstorming session, in which they determine the following:

a) unicorns are hard to find, because they run fast.
b) unicorns are attracted to virgins for some unexplainable reason.
c) virgins are hard to find, possibly because unicorns run fast and are attracted to virgins.
d) princesses are supposed to be virgins (at least, princesses locked in towers should be).
e) princesses are easy to find, because they are locked in towers, and therefore can't run very far.

The obvious solution is not to find the unicorn, but to find the nearest princess. This has the added benefit that princesses rarely weigh 1500+ pounds and even more rarely have six foot spears grafted to their foreheads.

in b4 I'm SAD

The Kobolds go overland, leaving a swathe of kobold-scaled destruction in their wake, until they find a castle. They're not very clear on who lives in the castle, other than a lot of humans, but there's a tower on it, and towers are the natural habitat of princesses. Of course, towers and castles and the like are challenging to get into, so we end up with another brainstorming session.

This time they think in a relatively straight line, and come up with a plan that castle invaders have used for generations. It works a little better when the invaders are small and overpowered for their size, however.

The sorcerer enchants the trap smith, giving him a supernatural boost to climbing skill. The trap smith then swims across the moat in the dead of night and clings to the castle wall like a particularly damp spider. He climbs up the wall and through the opening of the nearest guarde-a-robe. For the viewers at home, guarde-a-robes are the 13th century equivalent of luxury indoor plumbing: it's an outhouse in a castle, using a chute in the wall to take the waste away and dump it outside where the nobles don't have to worry about it.

Guarde-a-robe shafts are narrow, stinky, slippery, steep, and usually equipped with downward-projecting spikes to prevent just this kind of thing. Kobolds, on the other hand, are narrow, stinky, slippery, and good climbers (especially when enchanted). The trap smith makes it up the shaft no problem, "back stabs" the poor guy who was using it at the time, and then sends a rope back down for the others.

The invasion of Castle Princess had begun!

>>9723829
Well you'll be disappointed then, for there will be none! Anyway,

The Kobold Kommandos made straight for the tower, filling every human encountered with a volley of quarrels and "hiding" the bodies behind tapestries and under chairs. This was essentially a dungeon-crawl with the serial numbers filed off and all the orks replaced with poorly trained humans. There was a beautiful assault on the tower, in which Humanslayer had Spider-Climb cast on him and did his blender-of-doom routine at human-head-height along the wall and (eventually) ceiling.

The last thing Fred the Guard ever saw was an upside down kobold with a battle-ax.

At the top of the tower they find a 10x10 room with a human female in a dress and a pointy hat. Finally presented with something that could be a princess, an immediate debate broke out over whether she was, in fact, a princess, and how could they be sure?

Kobold 1: Princesses are pretty, right?
Kobolds 2, 3, and 4 nod.
Kobold 1: So if she's pretty, she's a princess, right?
Kobolds 2, 3, and 4 nod.
Kobold 1: Anyone know what a pretty human looks like?
Kobolds 2, 3, and 4 shrug.

The consensus was that she was probably pretty enough, and besides she was locked in a tower so there was no way a unicorn could have gotten at her. They promptly /charmed/ her until she thought blood-spattered kobolds were nice, trustworthy people.

Should have been two kobolds and two bullywugs
FOR GREAT JUSTICE

Another brainstorming session was called to figure out how to get her out of the castle. Various plans were raised and rejected (including stuffing her down the guarde-a-robe, sectioning her for easy transport in bags, and just tossing her over the ramparts into the moat and fishing her out later). They eventually settled on the charmed girl sneaking out dressed as a servant and the kobolds going out by way of the guarde-a-robe. The GM let the plan work, desperate to get the kobolds out of the castle and back on track with the unicorn.

What do a gang of kobolds do with "irresistible" bait and a known target? Bait a trap, of course! They managed to press-gang a bunch of regular, class-level-less kobolds into digging a big, ring-shaped pit, filling it with pungi spikes, and covering it over. They then tied the girl to a stake on the island in the pit, and ordered her to sing "real pretty like" to get the unicorn to show up sooner.

This led to an impromptu Kobold sing-along that is best left to the imagination.

The unicorn eventually showed up to rescue the princess, and this is where the flaw in their information was revealed: as decades of fantasy art shows us, some unicorns have wings. It flew in and landed next to the princess, bypassing the pit entirely. The kobolds - forced to fight it directly - pounce. Or rather, Humanslayer pounces, and everyone else fires his or her crossbows. The unicorn retreats to the air with Humanslayer hanging off a hind leg, trying to swing an ax that really is far too big to use in one hand.

And rolls a critical hit, fatally wounding the unicorn.

Try and picture the scene: the players are jumping up and down and congratulating Humanslayer's player on his good fortune and ridiculously overpowered combat character, when the GM points out that Humanslayer was hanging off the unicorns leg and ergo was underneath the unicorn.

>>9723823
....this is getting interesting.

About 40' above ground level.

Over a 10' deep, spiky pit of doom.

And he just scored an instant kill.

Humanslayer crashed through the covered pit with a unicorn on top of him, right onto the envenomed stakes.

The GM got to use the falling damage rules, the falling object rules, the spiked pit rules, the massive damage rules, and the disease rules, all because a PC successfully killed the "end-boss" for the session.

Humanslayer survived the experience, although he needed urgent medical attention, and was a bit shy about spiked pits for a while afterward. The party delivered a dead unicorn to the Boss, and for extra effort marks, delivered a Princess as well. The PCs got a token payment and the right not to be eaten.

End.

Now let's have a kobold appreciation thread.

>>9723830

HOLY FUCK MOAR THIS IS AWESOME

Well done.

>>9723856

Will there be more of the sessions in the future?

>>9723906
Fuck if I know, it was a copypasta I picked up from somewhere. I thought it'd be a good way to start a thread.

>>9723924

Oh...

Damn. This makes me want to start a kobold campaign.

You know, I just can't see kobolds acting this way anymore. I've been corrupted by the Internets, and these days they're all cute and misunderstood little buggers for me. If a kobold ever shows up in a game I'm in, I always try to make it my friend.

Thank you, I needed this so badly.
I lol'd so hard, I never lol'd so hard.
Kobold campaigns for the win.

if only my DM was online/awake right now i would send him this thread for a side campaign idea

Plot hooks:

A dragon has established himself a base of operations with thousand kobold females as his servants. He has them all carry his children, to create an army of half-dragon kobolds and rule the earth.

Kurtulmak decides to start acting nice, kobolds across realms are giving out fruit baskets to all other races (except gnomes). Everyone, kobolds and others alike, think this is ridiculous.

A wizard is trying to make kobolds more pleasant, produces cutebolds.

Glittergold transforms a mine full of kobolds into gnomes. Hilarity ensues.

A venerated and beloved gold dragon dies of old age, peacefully in her sleep. A young asshole black dragon from nearby decides to move in, taking all the treasure and having the kobold tribe that lives there to serve him instead.

Plothook:

Kobold Industrial Revolution

>>9724228
That'd be pretty awesome. They're all goddamn communists as it is.

Kobolds make communism work.

>>9724140
>A venerated and beloved gold dragon dies of old age, peacefully in her sleep. A young asshole black dragon from nearby decides to move in, taking all the treasure and having the kobold tribe that lives there to serve him instead.

You know I can see the rest of the stuff here is kinda joke, but this one would probably genuinely work.

Good story.

Not enough kobold pictures around.

these are one of my favorite fantasy races

more please

>>9724719

>>9724723

>>9724728

>>9724743

>>9724753

>>9724765

>>9724775

Needs kobold commando A-Team van

Also you can never have too many kobold pictures

>>9724833
Probably 'cuz there aren't many.

>>9724799

Ten years ago , a crack commando unit was sentenced to slavery by an annoyed dragon for a crime they didn't commit. These kobolds promptly escaped from a the deepest part of blackpit mine to the Lankhmar underground. Today, still on a pissed off dragon's shit-list, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The K-Team.

>>9724914
FUND IT

Seriously, I'd play in it so hard.

>>9724979

So, how would you stat out the Kobold versions of: Hannibal, Face, Murdock and Mr. T?

I have a little Kobold Battlerager I've been hoping to play.

I've got this one little ranger I've wanted to give a shot at.

>>9725062
>>9725073
That's two!

I've been playing a kobold monk. besides the wizard, who has aspirations of being a mofia don and has a frighteningly effective way of using the Mount spell in combat, She seems to be the biggest threat in the party.

Combat wise she's failed to his so many times do to bad dice rolls, but her skill checks have saved the big'uns from magical traps, horrid beasts and one deathknight.

All this and she's amazingly fun to play since she's underestimated and pretend to be a dumb lizard thing in towns or when the BBEG's minions come looking for the party. No one expects the kobold.

>>9725323

I would be so tempted to have them constantly encounter first level parties of adventurers.

The survivors would eventually come back as a high level nemesis.

"4 KOBOLDS! We got slaughtered by 4 KOBOLDS! Do you have any idea how much you get laughed at if 4 kobolds ruin your shit?"

>>9723971
Kobolds are the Viet Cong of AD&D.

VICTORY TO THE GLORIOUS YIP YIP!
DIGGERS AND HERDERS UNITE AND FIGHT!

>>9725666

That makes so much sense.

Fight from tunnels? Check.

Good with traps? Check.

60 : 1 kill ratio enough for a victory? Big Check.

>>9725723
Just you wait until the Kobold Army of the Very Nethers (KAVN or Deep Koboldese Army) intervene from the deep pits, the uncontested pits, forced deep underground by massive adventuring from their nemesis the Fighter King Richard son of Nix helped by his evil Gnome Wizard aide Snogsincurr. They have the levelled fighters. They have the Tanks. They have the clerics. They even have Heavy Wizardry. Most importantly, they've learnt how to keep production running despite desultory level 20 adventurers hive blasting. The KAVN will reunite the Netherlands and expect the Human Invaders and their running Gnome lackeys.

ONE NETHERLAND, ADVENTURERS OUT

>>9725822

"We're the Greencaps. A dedicated order of knights who'se job it is to go into the warrens of the kobolds and teach them the ways of the light. To win over their hearts and minds to goodness, and to teach them to fight against the adherents of the vile red god Kom'ie."

This thread gives me the pleasant creeps in my spine.

>>9725930
FIGHTING KNIGHTS FROM ON HIGH
DOWN THE WELL THEY JUMP AND DIE
MEN WHO SPEAK ALOT OF CRAPS (the dice game)
THE BRAVE MEN OF THE GREENCAPS

MITHRIL CHAINS O'ER THEIR CHEST
THESE ARE MEN, "GOOD"'S BEST
ONE HUNDRED MEN WILL FIGHT AND SNAP
BUT ONLY THREE WIN THE GREENCAP

TRAINED TO LIVE OFF LICHEN BELOW
TRAINED IN COMBAT RESTRICTED SLOW
MEN WHO FIGHT BY ETERNAL BLACK
COURAGE PEAK FROM THE GREENCAP

>>9726565

Okay, now that would be an awesome campaign.

You are a greencap. Your unit gets sent into the underdark with a dagger each, a scrying stone, and a bag of platinum.

Your job is to convince the drow city to join the fight against the Illthid slavers terrorizing the surface.

You have to deal with a Surface Hostelling Instructor/Teacher paladin who doesn't want you to do anything morally questionable, Illthid agents who want you dead and a drow populace who view you with profound suspicion.

You succeed when you lead a unit of surface trained and equipped Drow to crush an Illthid stronghold.

I vaguely want to run a game of Maid, with the master as a red dragon and the players as Kobolds.

>>9727021
Okay that'd be hilarious.

>>9727021
I'll play.

>>9727021

Ditto.

At first, I thought they handed me the wrong cahier. I couldn't believe they wanted this noble dead. Third generation Chevalier d'Charchez von Attelier, won all his jousts. Mentelhemn, Carcasonel, The War of the Marigolds. First through the Breech at the Siege of Valenesia. About a thousand titles.
Etc, etc... I'd heard his voice by magic mouth and it hook in me. But I couldn't connect up that voice with this man. Like they said he had an impressive assay of the Field of Mars. Maybe too impressive... I mean perfect. He was being groomed for one of the top slots of Manicheandom. King, Emperor, Avatar... In 1166 he returned from a tour as the Lieutenant Lord in Netherdeep and things started to
slip. The report to the Her Holiness Margaritte the Nineteenth and Jacobi Vertenineer Emperor by Right of Taryn, King of the First Aspect of Estmark, &tc &tc, was declared heretical and consigned to the unending rot. Seems they didn't dig what he had to tell them. During
the next few years he made three requests for transfer to welljump training in Monestary Barneng, Ossetia. And he was finally accepted.
Welljumpers ? He was 38 years old. Why the fuck would he do that ?

>>9727180
There they were in a pile...A pile of little arms.

>>9727180

"Never take a sidequest"

Too fucking right. Not unless you were going all the way.

>>9727249
YOU GET UP THERE ON THAT FUCKING STAGE LANCE AND MORALITY PLAY! BECAUSE HERE EITHER PEOPLE ARE CHARGING KOBOLD HUSCARLS OR ENGAGING IN MASQUE? DO YOU WANT TO CHARGE LANCE?

>>9727299
Fucking Heavy Horse Cavalry. They'd ride full-plate charges all day long into shield walls, and then at night trot two miles west and feast of sweet meats, mead and roast venison. Its like they didn't believe they were fighting at the whorecunt mouth of the hellspawn and they were back in the Lord's Great Hall.

The Man-At-Arms didn't like it either. He wouldn't be happy until his bucket was strapped into the pulley and descending. It might have been my Quest of Chivalric Honour for My Lady Faire's token, but it sure as shit was the Man-At-Arm's bucket.

>>9727180

"How did that happen? What did he see here
that first tour? 38 fucking years old. If you joined the welljumpers, there was no way you'd ever get above some minor Lord of a half dozen backwater shitholes. He knew what he was giving up. The more I read and began to understand, the more I admired him. His family and friends couldn't understand it, and they couldn't talk him out of it... The next youngest welljumper inducted that year was half his age. They must have thought he was some
far-out old man humping it over that course. I did it when I was 19 and it damn near wasted me. A tough motherfucker. He finished. He could have gone for a Dukedom, but he went for himself instead."

Good god that could be the mother of all campaigns. Tracking down some fallen palladin in the headwaters of a river surrounded by kobold infested swamps.

bump pleas bump PLEASE!

"Late summer-autumn his patrols in the highlands coming under frequent ambush. The camp started falling apart... His lordship orders the assassination of three kobold males and one kobold females that our clerics had sworn were dedicated to the cause of light. Two of the men were commoner seargents in our kobold army. Enemy activity in his lordships old sector dropped off to nothing. Guess he must have hit the right four kobolds. The order tried one last time to bring him back into the fold. And if he pulled over, it all would have been forgotten. But he kept going, and he kept winning it his way, and they called me in. They lost him. He was gone. Nothing but rumors and rambling intelligence, mostly from captured Kom'ie loyalist kobolds. The KK knew his name by now, and they were scared of him. He and his men were playing hit and run all the way into the forgotten mines."

>>9726565
BACK AT HOME A MAIDEN WAITS
HER BEAU GREENCAP TA'EN BY FATE
HE HAS DIED FOR THOSE BELOW
LEAVING ONLY SPERM AS HER TROUSSEAU

PUT MITHRIL SILVER ON MY BASTARD'S CHEST
MAKE HIM LAWFUL GOOD'S BEST
HAVE HIM SLAY UNARMED AN ETTERCAP
AND HE MIGHT JUST BECOME A GREENCAP

>>9727554
"Man-At-Arms, can I make dulcet song?"

-Don't fa-la-la on my boat.
You know, I've pulled a few Knights Errant in
here. About six months ago, I took a gentleman who was going up past the mine siding at Yip Ynek Kapp. ... He was regular Noble too.

[Beat]
[Beat]
[Beat]
Heard he war picked himself in the head.

>>9727626

" Are my methods unsound?"

" I don't see any method at all, sir."

" I expected someone like you. What did you expect?... Are you an assassin?"

" I'm a Paladin."

" You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill."

To mine Noble and Gallant Knight on This the Fourteenth Day of Smarch and the Feast of Saint Eldipthong.

Greetings and Sauluts to You in Your Charge Most Gallant,

Thy course haft run true measure yet,
Only diverted at the last like unto,
A great Deluge channelled amidst the banks,
Doth o'erflow with wrought as,
It reacheth its Delta, so to mine Knight,
Hath thy Apventure been misdiverted,
Directed false, and channelled elsewise
By most astounding news truely as
I shall imparteth to thee hence:

A fourteen Moon Ago in Our Wisdom we hath sent
Down the Very Same Shaft that you yourself now decend
A Knight most Gallant and most True
Heard of him have we not these past months until now,
Whence upon the corpse of a tunnelyard goblin
Couriering for that force most vile, the KK,
We did discover there enclosed this missal writ
Nay e'en by the own hand of that true Knight,
Good lawful and pure to our understanding,
At least then in our understanding,
Known to the world as the acknowledged bastard
Of our most noble Magos King Hindenbaart the Wise,
And on such parchment that once good bastard knight did write
To the chaste wife of his, true to him as most esteemed lord
Who he esteemed higher still higher than all gallantry
And thus did he write in scrawléd hand and writ in putrefacting blood:

MORTGAGE THE DEMENSE
PLACE LIEN ON MINE CHARGERS AND ALL STOCK
ENSLAVE MY SCIONS UNTO THE FIFTEENTH GENERATION
MAKE CUCKOLD OF ME A SCORE OF TIMES AND I THANK THEE FOR IT
FORGET IT
I'M NEVER SURFACING THOU DRAB WENCH
FORGET IT

>>9727738
Marry Sirrah, thou talkest not to my lord the Chevalier d'Charchez. Thou listeneth to he.

My lord hath enlargéd the scope and orbit of mine mind. He is a warrior-poet of the Roman custom. By this I mean sometimes, marry, but sometimes, la, you shall greet him on the morn, would you not? And he should just walk right past you, and yet not deigning e'en to take note of you. And then suddenly he shall strike thee like a curr to the ground and beat you with a rod, and he'll speak
"Do you know that 'it' is the middle word in faith?"

Could you retain your head when the multitude surround are losing theirs and claiming you as the author of their sin, if you can hold faith in your god when all men doubt your truth? -- I mean I'm a knave, I'm a fool, I'm a vile cur dog wretch sirrah, sirrah he be a Great and Noble Gentle man. I should have been a wyrm scuttling o'er this pit floor of caverns, Sirrah take me,
HEY! SIRRAH, GO NOT FORTH WITHOUT ME, I WISH TO MAKE EMBROIDERY OF THIS.

kobolds make absofuckinglutely amazing unarmoured characters, monk and ninja were practically made for them

personally i've been loving ninja. all the advantages of being small (hide bonus, ac/hit bonus, being able to fit in little spaces) without the movement penalty other small creatures get, so you can still fully utilize all those awesome abilities like great leap and speed climb. plus the strength penalty is no problem at all when most of the damage comes from sudden striking shit to hell and back

vanishing and attacking shit with a longspear is also priceless with combat reflexes, because suddenly there's a fucking invisible twenty foot ring of stabby rape SOMEWHERE ON THE BATTLEFIELD for an entire round after you finish your turn, and it fits right in with a kobold's trap obsessed mentality

I had a group of squires, aspirants hoping to be paladins one day. I lead them there, to the place where he dwelled. I remember when the cook, a lad from the south who seemed only concerned with the correct preparation of food finally lost his composure and accosted me...

"You got us into this mess and you can't get us out 'cos you don't know where the hell you're going, do you ? Do you, you son of a bitch, you fuck !"

I had no answer for him. I was tracing the fallen knight back to the source of evil, back to where he fell, and could not tell what would come after. He died soon after, felled by a spear thrown by some Kobold skirmisher.

He had but time to name the weapon that ended his life, and then he died.

>>9727834
This makes me happy.

>>9727626
How exactly does one war pick oneself in the head?

>>9727944

Sit down.

Grasp the war pick tightly with both hands so that the point emerges from your lap like a tumescent member.

Bring your hands towards your face as quickly as thou cans't and plunge your forehead towards the point of your warpick.

Reapeat until dead.

>>9727972
lol'd so hard my niece woke up

>>9727850

consider this too

kobolds gain +2 dexterity, +1 ac from size, and +1 natural ac

i started my ninja dude at level 1, and put a 14 in dex and a 16 in wisdom. +2 to dex means 16 in two stats that both add to his ac, plus size mod, plus natural ac, means he was effectively wearing full plate while naked at first level with only "pretty good" stat rolls

he's since turned into a serious pain in the ass on the battlefield, flicking in and out of sight all over the place while dealing out precision damage like nobody's fucking business, and being hard as fuck to hit when anything does get a chance to swat at him. also carrying shuriken which draw as ammo (free action) means RANGE ATTACK WHENEVER YOU FUCKING WANT. NOTHING IS FUCKING SAFE.

Posting in a win thread. Wish your story wasn't copypasta, though.

I think this story belongs on 1d4chan. So I'mma put it there.

>>9728133

That's why /tg/ is, in spite of all the crap, a good board. It manages to turn what may be a copy pasted story about kobolds into Apocalypse Now: Kobolds, by way of the A-Team, and the Kobold Spetsnaz.

If someone wanted to they could salvage the materials for an epic campaign from this thread, and that campaign would turn into Dr. Zhivago meets Paths of Glory with psychotic reptiles, because that's how /tg/ fucking rolls.

>>9724140
>Kurtulmak decides to start acting nice, kobolds across realms are giving out fruit baskets to all other races (except gnomes). Everyone, kobolds and others alike, think this is ridiculous.

Gonna go with this one.

>>9728219
>If someone wanted to they could salvage the materials for an epic campaign from this thread, and that campaign would turn into Dr. Zhivago meets Paths of Glory with psychotic reptiles, because that's how /tg/ fucking rolls.

Sadly, things never go that far. We brainstorm and possibly writefag, but we never actually "get shit done", despite claims to the opposite.

It's what killed Server Crash.

>>9728223

If everyone on /tg/ got shit done, /tg/ would be awesome.

If everyone on /tg/ got shit done, there would be no /tg/.

Upon hearing this, the newfag was enlightened, and went to post a furry porn thread that got 200 replies.

>>9728223
Adeptus Evangelion v2 just got posted, and you're saying we don't get shit done?

SHIT GOT DONE. We rolled out a fully-playable RPG that fills a good niche, even if it took us half a year.

>>9728272
Do excuse me, I'm just butthurt that Server Crash died.

Kobolds, FUCK YEAH. In my last campaign, the party managed to conquer most of the world using kobolds. We taught them phalanx tactics then just used their unending numbers and unwavering courage to steamroll opposing armies.

Kobolds are awesome.

>>9728272

Also, veloCITY is currently nearly playable.

>>9728223
I think what mostly killed Server Crash was an overload of ideas. People kept chipping in little new bits, or squabbling and disagreeing over the details. So people who work with Crunch never really knew what they had to work with.

>>9728219
>would turn into Dr. Zhivago meets Paths of Glory with psychotic reptiles, because that's how /tg/ fucking rolls.

Sounds like /Naked Lunch/ /Cities of the Red Night/ and /Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas/ with junk addicted Kobold gay debaunches fighting a psychotropic war in the underjungles of the dank wet lichenfields of the Netherlands. "They've killed the Black Dragon; There is no turning back for the Bigevich Kobold Revolutionaries now."

>>9728380
I would play that. LORD I would play that.

>>9728380

"There are some kobolds that find the duty of creating a clutch of fertile eggs revolting. They are excused and put in the berserker corps. If they cannot serve the warren by creating new life, they can serve by glorious death"

>>9728414

Which leads to the obvious next thought, a group of insane gay kobold berzerkers rampaging through the desert kingdoms of New Vada and Cally Fornia, leaving a trail of ruined hotel rooms and violently sodomized corpses in their wake.

>>9728408
There is nothing, literally NOTHING in this thread I wouldn't jump at the chance to play, jump so fucking quick I get friction burns from the fucking air.

>>9728448
Slowly, but surely, in the Great Hall of the Inn of Passage "Remault" the Kobolds appeared to be turning into some kind of sick ape creatures. The carpets on the floor were starting to trace out arabesques into my mind and by god that Mescaline must have kicked in by now. The horrible ape things arple garpbled at me while my Barrister, the Natsutach well-laker, tried to deal with the horrific problem of checking in. It came to me that the cave in which had broken over the mind of the Black Dragon in the early 1200s had reached its lowest point, and was slowly being driven back by the triviality of these sick squawking tree dwelling ape-bolds in front of me.

>>9728518

"They're giving liquor to these goddamn mammals?"

>>9728223

In my experience, the best things aren't the fully-clothed costumes that fit together perfectly and has all the accessories, the best things are the loose mock-ups that let me take what I need and damn all the rest.

>>9728558
I was notionally meant to be covering a great Cockroach race here in New Vada, but really I was trying to uncover the heart of the thirteenth century in all its madness. Of course, as the first step in all this, we ordered a large amount of wittles and victuals.

My Barrister had taken a large amount of PCP and threatened to kill me. I locked him into the water closet.

I found my Barrister lying in a tin basin with a mandolin singing about white glow worms and Margatroids.

>>9728603
WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS THROW THE WAND OF ANNIHILATION INTO THE TUB AND SCREAM ITS CODE WORD WHEN THE SONG PEAKS

-Let me get this straight, you want me, to take this wand of annihilation, and throw it into that tin bathing tub, when you sing

YES WHEN I SING

FA-LA-LA

>>9728603

I returned to my room at the inn after a long day mingling with dwarfish paladins to find my barrister locked in a mating ritual with a crazed young lizard-wench who was barely more than a hatchling.

"It's okay, we can tie her down in a hotel room and charge the dwarves 100 gold a head to gang rape her. She's strong, she'll hold her own"

>>9728639
URIST INTERRUPTS RAPE, METAPHOR FOR 13TH CENTURY LOST OF INNOCENCE.

>>9723837
>Kobold 1: Princesses are pretty, right?
>Kobolds 2, 3, and 4 nod.
>Kobold 1: So if she's pretty, she's a princess, right?
>Kobolds 2, 3, and 4 nod.
>Kobold 1: Anyone know what a pretty human looks like?
>Kobolds 2, 3, and 4 shrug.

This is win.

I remember hearing from someone, "Kobolds were fun in 3.5e because they were so weak and pathetic, you couldn't help but feel for them, like them, and root for them. In 4e, they are miniature engines of destruction, and I feel they lost their charm."

>>9730373
Seconded. In 4e, every race is perfectly balanced, with +2 in two ability scores, some skill bonuses, and a special ability. So kobolds are no longer significantly weaker than other races, resulting in them losing the Iron Woobie -angle.

However, they're still vicious and cunning trap-making vietcong bastards - and cute - so much of the charm still remains.

>>9730449

And if you build them a certain way, they NEVER NEED TO MOVE. They simply shift everywhere.

>>9723823
I love this logic.

>>9723837
>The last thing Fred the Guard ever saw was an upside down kobold with a battle-ax.
Awesome.

And top roleplaying.

>>9723856
>The GM got to use the falling damage rules, the falling object rules, the spiked pit rules, the massive damage rules, and the disease rules, all because a PC successfully killed the "end-boss" for the session.
I approve of this tale entirely. Nice work, OP.

>>9728264
Ooh, furry thread? Where, where?!

Humanslayer is hardcore.

>>9732400
Second.

>>9730611
Second too.

I do so love the Kobold train of thought.

By the way, in between regular sessions with my DnD group, I occasionally DM a series of steampunk delves starring a party which includes a timid Kobold thief named Ickthorpe the Stabby. In relation to the rest of the party, he's somewhere between a pet, an employee, and a Stockholm Syndrome prisoner-of-war. Ickthorpe never fails to make me giggle.

>>9734376
Sounds awesome.

bold bump!

>>9724914
>>9724914

This pretty much happened in a homebrew game and system I was GMing. First, some background on the game system itself, then story time. Essentially, it plays like a mix between DnD and WoD and is pretty simplified and modular. There are several tiers of gameplay; the characters were "Legendary Tier," meaning they have increased stat points, HP, healing surges, and action points. Characters even at mid-high levels can still die somewhat easily if they're not careful/ are outnumbered. So, it's perfect for TACTICAL OPERATORRR.

>>9737419

Cont:

So, the best part of the three-sessions long adventure? This "K-Team" (all playing kobolds, of course) need to sneak into a citadel, into the tallest tower of said citadel, to procure a magical artifact. Instead of going in from the ground up, they say "fuck that." They go about procuring two giant eagles, very many flasks of alchemist's fire, and also use diplomacy with the area's Orcs. What happened: They convinced the Orc tribes to attack the citadel with the promise of pay. They also armed said Orcs with alchemist's fire, and instructed them to toss it EVERYWHERE--especially over the walls as they assault the gate. The orcs do this, and it causes massive fires in one section of the citadel. While most everyone's distracted by the attack, the kobolds ride their giant eagles to the tower and proceed to make a precision-jump from 20 feet into the air, flying at full speed, onto the tower.
So, the best part of the three-sessions long adventure? This "K-Team" (all playing kobolds, of course) need to sneak into a citadel, into the tallest tower of said citadel, to procure a magical artifact. Instead of going in from the ground up, they say "fuck that." They go about procuring two giant eagles, very many flasks of alchemist's fire, and also use diplomacy with the area's Orcs. What happened: They convinced the Orc tribes to attack the citadel with the promise of pay. They also armed said Orcs with alchemist's fire, and instructed them to toss it EVERYWHERE--especially over the walls as they assault the gate. The orcs do this, and it causes massive fires in one section of the citadel. While most everyone's distracted by the attack, the kobolds ride their giant eagles to the tower and proceed to make a precision-jump from 20 feet in the air, flying at full speed, onto the tower.

>>9737431

Cont:

One almost falls off, but manages to grip the side of the tower and haul himself back up. Because the trap door to the top of the tower is heavily barred and presumably protected by the artifact owners magic, they proceed to use ropes to repel through a window, slaying a few guards before they can blink, and make their way into the room where the artifact is kept. There, they trip the magical alarm they knew was in place, and two of the kobolds wait by the door for the mage to appear. When he does, the other two kobolds capture his attention as the two by the door rush in to slit his throat from behind. They grab the artifact and rush three floors up to the top of the tower as upwards of thirty guards are chasing them.

>>9737447

Cont:

The kobolds rush onto the top of the tower after unbarring the trap door to it. Two of the four kobold kommandos keep the guards at bay so as to prevent them from storming the top of the tower, while other others devise a plan. The other towers are now swarming with archers, so the eagles can't risk landing. When the eagles make another pass overhead, the kommandos use hand signals and yelling to tell the commissioned riders piloting the eagles to fly low and fast over the tower upon receiving another signal (a kobold jumping up and down, arms flailing).

>>9737486

Cont:

The two kobolds not fighting tie long ropes to their waists, then tie the two kobolds fighting the guards through the trap door to the other end of the rope. They then give the riders the signal to fly low and fast over the tower, and the riders do. As they are doing this, the two kobolds not engaged in combat JUMP ONTO THE EAGLES, clinging to their reigns and briddles and loose straps. They are whisked away, and the ropes tied to the other two pull them to safety before the guards can even make it up onto the top of the tower. Artifact retrieved, no casualties, awesome game.

>>9737431

huh. not too sure how that got double-posted.