His first target is the world of Norion V, which in a sick twist of irony is the most “loyal” planet in Damnos’s eyes. The neighboring world of Dvi-Marion, the homeworld of the Sister’s of Reason’s light, gathers its fleet in an effort to flank Damnos’s forces. With the Sisters might assembled, and the powerful strength of the Apriori Navy, they may make a difference. As the ships were about to leave the planet’s space, something happened. The astropaths and navigators said that the warp currents had grown violent, and safe travel was far from assured.

The warp had grown violent for a very insidious reason. A splinter fleet from the most recent Black Crusade called the, “The Bloodied Coil” (a Chaos Undivided Warfleet, Mostly Khornate) had arrived in the Marion Sub-Sector to destroy as much of the Sub-Sector as they could. The leader was the aptly named, “Gore Queen,” a cold, heartless Khornate, once a Sister of Reason. Why she defected to the Blood God Khorne, few know. She knew that every single world in the Aprior Sector would marshal forces to fight her Warfleet. That is why she issued this statement to every single person under her command through a vox comminicae, “We will have no victory here, I assure you. Many of us will die, if not all. But, we can deal a blow that the Knights will never forget. Abaddon knows that in the coming years, the Knights Inductor could be a very real threat to Chaos. That is why, he gave me you, you brave warriors of the Dark gods. Each one of you has an objective today, the wholesale slaughter of every single citizen of this planet. Do not leave a soul alive in your wake, do not be merciful either. I want frightful, horrifying, terrifying, appalling, murder. The slower the better, I always say. Also, have a good time doing this, you deserve it.”

At first, it seemed that the satellite and terrestrial space defense patterns such as floating missile batteries or titanic ground flak cannons would be enough to take care of these fool hearty invaders. Thousands of dropships were knocked right out of the sky, but it was soon divined by the valiant defenders of Marion that these were decoys. With the defense pattern locations compromised, the Gore Queen dispatched the planets defenses without effort. Seeing that the only thing between the people of Dvi-Marion and genocide was wiped out so easily, the Sisters’ fleet took action. The thunderous roar of broadside firepower echoed throughout the void of space as three cruisers unleashed their might. In a single volley from the cruisers, a dozen of the Coil’s ships were felled. This however did not deter the hideous hordes of the Coil. The real assault began, as dropships with and without troops inside landed in even greater number than they did before. The entire planet was plunged into war as every city on every continent was assaulted from the skies. To better understand events, we will have to listen to the personal accounts of all those involved in the conflict. This books is a series of personal written accounts from the first-person perspectives of those involved in the Black Crusade of Dvi-Marion.
>Hoping Not Long Poster sees this.

The Twin Crusades: The Black Crusade of Dvi-Marion. Chapter One, The Endless Night.
The following is the collected excerpts of diaries and memoirs of those serving in the Apriori Armed Forces.
+++Private Donald Galvar. 51st Platoon, Planetary Defense Forces.+++
I am Donald Galvar, I was born on Gravalax, and I served in the PDF there. I always wanted to be a Navy pilot. When I was only ten though, my dad came home drunk and he said to me, “Boy, you best get these notions of being a pilot right out of your head. You ain’t got any ambition to be anything more than what you are, underhive filth! All beat these stupid dreams out of you if I have to and boy you better believe me I’ll do it.” Now, I had a rough childhood it you couldn’t tell. Mom was a drunk, and dad must have some sick joy out of killing me bit by bit inside. I joined the PDF out of rebellion against my parents to be honest. Got all the way up to Sergeant in the PDF, most the men I knew weren’t so lucky though. When mom died, I just knew I had to leave that mudball of a world. I put the PDF behind me, left Gravalax, and made it to this new place where it all was at. The Aprior Sector sure is spectacular though, but weird at the same time. I can’t say I got the best training possible, but when an ex-PDF vet wants to join the Guard usually they are accepted. Not me, no, you see these Apriori get trained better than I did in the PDF in their damned schools. Want to know what they said to me when I was rejected? “We do not believe that you have enough training or experience to join one of our Guard Regiments here.” I was pissed off at first, but I calmed down. When he directed me to the PDF recruitment center, I of course joined the PDF. I’m a simple man, and if it doesn’t involve point-click-shoot I’m not very good at it. My mom always said that I would find a proper calling; well that calling just involved me killing people for a living.

Now, the others troopers in my squad didn’t look at it quite that grimly, but I know that is all it boils down too. At the end of the day this job is just killing people, whether they deserve it or not. I learned that when I fought the gangs, and I knew it when I fought the Coil. Now I did notice that things were considerably different on Dvi-Marion. First of all, there were no hives. Buildings were spread out all across the landscape for miles and then they became slightly less dense suburbs; no underhives were made by building higher and higher above existing buildings like on Gravalax. Secondly, the lasguns were unlike a thing I’ve ever seen before. Smaller, more compact, iron sights, curved clips, foldable stock, sleeker rifle barrel. Now, I know what you’re thinking, I’m just describing a Las-carbine. No, a Las-carbine this was not. It was, it was just different than anything I had ever held in my life. It wasn’t blocky, or, I don’t know how to describe it. That probably makes me look like a poor observer If I can’t describe things in detail but I don’t care. When the shit hit the fan, I was there, and they want me to document it in my own words, fine, that’s what I’ll do.

It was like any other day though, that’s the strange thing, and it was so tranquil. It brings a whole new meaning to me, about the term, “Calm before the storm.” The sky was the richest shade of navy blue I had ever seen since I’d been here. The kids played outside, people went to work, and all was good. The sun slowly descended casting purple and orange hues over the horizon. The night sky was without a single star though, to many lights from the city. Shame, I’m sure it would complement the shimmering moon nicely. There were two other troopers with me that night, Larvik Sarven, and Gellom Fenus, Emperor I can still see their faces. Larvik was from a planet named Vollania, an ice planet.

The people who lived there were descendants from the Valhallan colonists, so he had the same accent as a Valhallan. You know, you would have to be a Valhallan yourself to tell the difference between the accents. His skin color was a pasty white, he had strawberry blonde hair, and freckles dotted his cheeks. Gellom was born on Dvi-Marion, but he hated the Guard so he just joined the PDF. I never learned why he had such distaste for the guard. His face was a thick leathery tan shade, almost like a polar opposite to Larvik’s dungeon prisoner pale white skin. Gellom had thick, long and wavy black hair. Together, we were going to see a holo-projection at the nearby theatre. We had some leave time, so we thought we should try and have a nice night together.

The rules on Dvi-Marion were different as well, did I mention that? We had to carry our side-arms at all times. Now I didn’t really understand till that day why we had to carry our pistols.

But anyways, we were at the theatre. As we’re about to grab some crappy seats at the bottom: a family of three moved over and made us some room. The father saluted us, and the little boy no older than eight did too. I’ve never gotten that kind of respect before. Most people despise PDF; I know that was a fact in the underhive. We took our seats and the holo projector spun starting the show. At that moment I realized something, I turned to Larvik and whispered in his ear, “Hey, what’s the name of this holo.” Larvik shrugged and replied, “The Last Temptation of Warmaster Horus, it some kind of art holo.” I could only imagine what the hell that meant. I mean what was is about? I got my answer soon enough. The opening credits played on the projection screen, showing some big shot director or producer’s name that I didn’t care at the time to remember. Then the holo started to play. I won’t waste my time describing every minute of it, so basically it was a holo about, “What if Horus didn’t betray the Emperor?” I barely understood anything about it, except for the Emperor being there. It was only a thirty-minute long holo so I didn’t mind, and Gellom seemed to like it. It was very artsy though, and annoyingly pretentious.

We went to a extremely nice restaurant after that. As I entered I just felt out of place. I was a civilized worlder sure, but, it was so well kept, and absent of gothic architecture. Three chandeliers hung from the top of the ceiling, casting dim light across the restaurant. In the center was massive atrium with a beautifully pearl tile floor, and to the left and right were tables framing the atrium. We grabbed a table on the left side of the restaurant.

I took my seat, Gellom and Larvik sat down. A young waitress with blond hair came by and asked us what drinks we would want. As she walked away I spoke with Larvik, “You got any family back home?” He looked a little annoyed at my question for moment before saying, “No I don’t have any family.” I raised an eyebrow, “Well what happened?” He frowned and replied, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I felt that I should leave it be, and not persist in trying to bring up bad memories. Unfortunately, Gellom wasn’t as wise as I. “Tell us what happened.” Larvik sighed audibly. He seemed like he was about to speak but the waitress came by. She herself was about to speak before auto and las rounds ripped through the restraint.

This is where it happens. I was looking at my menu when from the corner of my I saw bright flashes of red coming from the sky. I looked out the window, and I saw large military dropships. I ducked under the table. Seeing me do this Gellom divined what I was doing immediately. He ducked under the table almost as quickly as I did. Larvik, and the Waitress taking our order weren’t so lucky: Las, auto, and bolter rounds ripped through the restaurant, tearing apart anyone still sitting in their seats or standing. The Waitress’s torso was obliterated, skin torn, showing bare muscle and bone. Larvik had his head ripped apart by a bolter round, leaving nothing left. Not even his mother could identify him now, shame, he was a good man.

The dropships seemed to have heavy auto-gun turrets, multi-lasers, and heavy bolters attached to the side. As troops off loaded from the dropships, the dropship’s side guns wasted everything in sight. Under the table, we were able to make it only by a knife’s edge. A stray auto round hit just a mere two inches from my right hand. The las and auto fire ceased. Taking this moment of opportunity I looked around, and I saw others who ducked under the tables just like us, but bolt or auto round ripped through the hard wooden tables: killing them instantly. Then, I heard footsteps. I saw Gellom go straight for his pistol, but I grabbed his arm. I shook my head, hopefully convincing him not to give away our position. He reluctantly nodded at me; least the kid had a good head on his shoulders. The footsteps got louder, and I could see black leather boots walking towards us. I looked to Gellom, and I reached for my pistol. Quickly I unholstered my sidearm, and nodded at Gellom. He nodded back at me to confirm that he was ready. We both lifted up from under the table. The two traitor Guardsmen were dumb struck. They both had been completely taken by surprise. I remembered at that moment my training, the instructor’s voice echoed as I took aim, “Aim for the head, under the arm, below the knee, and in the gut. These are the unarmored points of most flak armor designs.” The las bolt crackled out of my laspistol’s barrel and it ionized the air as it raced towards the heretic. The las bolt hit him square in the eye, and he fell over. Gellom did the same as I did and he aimed for the head, easily taking out his target. The two traitors were dead, but as I looked out the window at the small city, it wasn’t over.

The night sky was filled with red flares from dropship engines. I saw darkened figures clothed in black running across the city. Screaming filled my ear drum as did the gun fire did. I could see fires in the distance; buildings were engulfed in raging infernos from artillery. Indescribable mutants of horrid shape and form carrying flamers wasted entire groups of fleeing civilians.

I looked over to Gellom, his face had a look of unmasked horror. Poor kid, everything he ever loved was being destroyed before his very eyes. I put my hand his shoulder, and said, “We need to move, there’s a suburb behind this building is there not?” He nodded and said, “Yeah, and behind the suburb is the PDF base.” He was talking about our platoon headquarters. I remembered on the way here seeing a few acres of houses, which should give us some cover on our way back to base. I walked over to the two dead traitors, and took one of their las-rifles. This was more like it, I thought. A big, bulky, lasgun, just like they had back home. Gellom figured out what I was doing almost quickly enough and did the same as I. He tried to figure out how best to hold it in his hands. He wasn’t used to something so blocky before. I couldn’t suppress the grin on my face, but then I looked outside and was reminded of what was happening. The grin was struck from my face. I looked to him staring him straight in the eyes. I said, “Ready.” And he replied, “As I’ll ever be.” Good, I thought, least he isn’t to shaken up over Larvik dying and us being invaded. Hate for him to have a breakdown right now, I would have to leave him behind.

We walked through the well lit kitchen. The white tiles were dirtied by our military issued boots. We found a large metal door marked, “Exit.” He passed through the massive door, making sure no one followed us. Strangely, I felt we were being watched at that moment. The back of the restraint was unimpressive say the least. A single large garbage container held a few bags of refuse. Beyond the backyard of the restraint, was the forest of Yevil. As we were walking away from the restaurant, someone came up from behind us: I heard the metal backdoor clang. Without hesitation I turned and leveled my lasgun at her head. I nearly blew her brains out before realizing it was a civilian. She was a waitress. She said while tears rolled down her face, holding Larvik’s forgotten pistol. I remembered that I had forgotten to collect that. She said still sobbing, “I, I’m coming with you. Please, I can’t stay here.” I wondered for a minute why she didn’t say something before we left, but she was probably too scared out of her mind to speak up. Gellom just nodded with youthful naivety and I said, “Sure, come on.” We descended into the suburbs after that. The burning city illuminated our path even as I was puzzled as to what the enemy hoped to gain from this attack. While passing backyards it dawned on me, it was going to be one long night.

>So, U LIKE? U MAD? TELL ME, SO THAT I MAY IMPROVE. NOT LONG POSTER, IF YOU ARE HERE, I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

You keep typing restrain instead of restaurant and it's eroding my sanity.

>>16909743
Dammit...

I like it. Seems a little over the place though.

>>16909781
Hmm. You should have read it before. This is a vastly superior version than the previous one. I'll try my best to be more, coherent when I fix up chapter two.

I just saw that Not Long Poster actually posted my stuff on 1d4chan, and it made me want to actually have a presentable version up.

>The leader was the aptly named, “Gore Queen,” a cold, heartless Khornate

Stopped reading right there.

Make it a male character. I can't really "suck the story in" with a girly girl leading the Chaos warband.

>>16909870
...tell me you're trolling. Why can't a woman be as bloodthirsty as a man?

>>16909870
Really? I mean really? Is this a troll? Please tell me it's a troll. Because if it's not how can you possibly think a woman couldn't be a competent commander.

Anyways trolling aside, hope Not Long Poster sees this. Like to know his input.

Sorry about any mistakes everyone, I dun fucked up, apologies.

>>16909896

Because testosterone and the looks. A man can be so much bigger and more fearsome then a female ever could. I'm not fucking trolling.

>>16909906

It's a woman, in a Chaos warband. You know how crazy that sounds? Sure, maybe a cultist, but a real warband would never accept them because they are weaker and the power armor would never fit them. Sir, you must agree that a woman would never be respected amongst such company.

And I'm not trying to push women down or anything, I'm just expressing myself how the Chaos faction works.

>>16909964
You really don't know how a Chaos Warband works do you? Besides, she's a fallen sister of battle, she does have power armor. On top of that, Sister of Reason, she has the training to top fanatical devotion with.

However I do agree women cannot achieve physical heights as men can, they can still be skilled and deadly in warfare. There are tons of female leaders in history such as. Such as. Well, Johnna of Ark. Yeah, and um. Ok you got me beat on that side. But still, women can and will be a factor in modern and future combat zones.

>>16909906
>>16909896

Hell if even the Space Marines won't accept them (they need their own faction) why would the chaos-marines do it? They must be strong and fearsome and all that. The only females I have seen amongst the Chaos factions are demons from Slaanesh.

Oh for god's sake just look up Miriael Sabathiel for Chaos women commanders.

>>16909992

I know how a warband works. Remember that there is only like one recorded incident where a sister have fallen for the Chaos gods (Slaanesh, I believe) so the chance of a women leading them is very slim.

It would be easier just to make it a male (for all intents and purposes)

I don't get all this hate for having a female warband leader. You guys have some serious issues with your mothers, huh?

I think that idea is pretty friggin original and you should roll with it. Base her on Boudica or someone.

>>16910135
Thanks. But I can hardly claim originality, Not Long Poster made most of this fluff.

>I wonder where Not Long Poster is. Oh well.

God I need to proof read better. So many mistakes. If only there was an edit button. Oh well. At least it's readable, unlike the previous version.

>>16910193
Type it up in MSword first, or get a beta-reader or something.

>>16910466
I have. Why restaurant got spell checked into restraint.

Shameless self-bump.

readan,.
will respond.
IL out.

>>16910919
Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Hmm.
Ok.
Not bad at all.
It could use a little more concrete descriptions of things -the chaos troops, the drop ships, the sounds of the weapons firing.
It's a little inconsistent in that regard; there's plenty of description of the narrator firing his laspistol, but almost nothing for the destruction of the restaurant.
The language is slightly off, I'm guessing American English isn't your native tongue.
Otherwise, solid work, with one caveat: it's missing something. I know that kind of non-specific comment doesn't help, but it's a little dry...hmm.
Anyway, solid stuff all around. More has been made of less -keep writing.

Hasty morning bump!

(critiques coming next post, when this thread is rescued from Page 15)

I'm kind of confused by the course of events.

First we go to the Inquisitor, and then we switch to the Gore Queen. Are both events happening at the same time? In the same place?

>>16916724
The events are taking place at the same time, but in different places -- Inquisitor Lord Damnos and his Crusade are starting at the Norion System, and driving into the Aprior Sector. The Marion System is nearby, and has the headquarters (called a "convent," I think?) of the Sisters of the Order of Reason's Light, as well as a sizable presence of other armed forces. They were gathering to make a jump over to the Norion System, hoping to hit Damnos's fleet while they are busy with the planetary assault.

Unfortunately, the Bloodied Coil happened to arrive at that time, and the Dark Gods aided them by fouling up the Warp. Now, the Marion forces are stuck in-system. So are the Bloodied Coil, I think, but they're okay with that, since they just plan on sticking around and having some Blood for the Blood God.

(sorry, I know I promised evaluation on my next post...seriously, it's coming soon!

>>16917330
I honestly thought this thread had died. Thanks Not Long Poster, anyways.

Well of course the Dark Gods are fouling it up, I mean how do you think Damnos got to Aprior without interruption or interference in the warp. I'd say the Gods sped up the time it took to get to Aprior. It is all part of their plan. That's my view any how.

The Coil is right where it wants to be.

Yep. Any moment now he'll reply. Any moment...

>Well, my name isn't FastPoster, is it?

Much better all around! Things are more coherent than before.

Still some issues with punctuation, especially commas where they ought not to be (like "The Knights Inductor, have been separated from the Imperium for a thousand years" -- there's no need for a comma in there, and it breaks up the flow).

Still some issues with typos, or poorly-worded sentences. A little bit of imperfection is probably good, since we're getting a first-hand account from an enlisted soldier, who is probably not exactly a master of High Gothic; but too much makes it hard on the reader.

Sorry, I have a lot in my head, and not much time to get it typed out; I'll have more to say this evening.

>>16918257
>Three hours man, you sure aren't named that.
Some mistakes are of course intentional. Commas however are my bane. Poorly written sentences in some cases are. Getting too and to mixed up is my fault though, working on that. I will have no excuse for other installments though, especially since the next one will be from the point of view of a Sister of Reason.

I'm adding a lot to chapter two as well. I feel disappointed in myself with that one. Where is my damn pride!

Thanks to anyone who read this by the way. Really this is more practice than anything. I use this as a way to practice writing stories decently. Getting input from you guys helps me more than anything else. And I do learn more from failure than success.

Another shameless self-bump.

>>16917826
By chance, if you mean me, I'm here:
>>16912904

Bump for interest.

>Updated Epilogue of Chapter 1.
A mere half hour after the Bloodied Coil's arrival into the Marion System the surface of Dvi-Marion quickly became a global warzone. The small fighter craft, gun boats, and freighters of the Imperial Navy and SDF were overwhelmed by the onslaught of enemy landing vessels. The dropships came in the hundreds of thousands. Their cargo ready to slaughter the Apriori people mercilessly. Fighters and gun boats fired at dropships randomly with no real over all purpose or plan, since no one knew which ships had actual forces in them. Colonel Tagart of the SDF attempted to bring some order to the mayhem in the skies. He was successful in temporarily turning the scattered forces in the skies into a cohesive fighting force. Tagart and all of his command staff were swiftly wiped out by a orbital strike from the Bloodied Coil's flagship. Their fates were sealed once their location was known by the Gore Queen. After Tagart died the SDF and Imperial Navy forces had fallen right back in the same situation as they were in before. Some fighters even collided with the enemy craft due to the amount of ships in the atmosphere. The dropships of the Bloodied Coil landed without interruption from the pesky bugs flying about the skies now. The cultists inside were not the blood crazed berserkers that Chaos is infamous for, but instead actual well disciplined drilled soldiers with a burning fire for murder in them to match any believer of the Emperor.
>I think in any other place than Apriori the author would be shot for that sentence. Continuing.

>>16922079
>Forgot my name.
It was now that it seemed nothing the defenders of Dvi-Marion could do would matter to stop the Coil's genocidal invasion. The Sisters of Reason’s Light decided to intervene, and turn the tide in favor of the Apriori Armed Forces. They ordered the pilots of both the SDF and the Imperial Navy to punch a hole in the enemy forces so they could deploy to the surface safely. Thanks to efforts of a brave few pilots: an opening was made fifteen miles outside the capitol city. This was something the Sisters would not take for granted. The majority of the Sisters forces landed there. At the same time, some fighters broke off to cover the Sisters' transports as they landed in areas in need of dire aid such as minor cities and small towns. The Gore Queen expected the Sisters to redeploy on the planet in haste. For some reason though, she enacted no plan to stop the Sisters from landing. The personal account of Sister Maria Stone should give an observer an idea of what it was like at this moment in history. When Chaos had decided to invade Dvi-Marion.

>A further thought, after some reflection

If I could propose one thing to fix, it would be flow -- it's better this time around, but, especially in your prologue and epilogue, each sentence seems to exist on its own, with little or no connection to the sentences around it.

>also, bump

Shameless self-bump before bed. Keep the thread alive anyone who cares. I've been working on Chapter 2, hope you find it worth reading when I'm done fixing it.

Not Long Poster, could update the 1d4chan page?

Bump.

bumpan

Bump

Bump.

>Another idea

I found the Gore Queen's speech to be less than inspiring, which is...not a good thing for a Khornate leader. Partially, the flow isn't great, and partially, the diction is rather weak. She's no Word Bearer, but it would be nice if she expressed some enthusiasm about the coming slaughter.

From what you said in a previous thread, it seems that the Gore Queen (does she have a name yet?) thinks that existence is inherently painful and short, and that you can either experience pain and death, or cause them -- so she causes them, in great quantities. I don't know if this is conscious or not, but this motivation has some similarities to that of Chapter Master Azariah Kyras, of the Blood Ravens, who gave an amazingly epic rant about why he serves Khorne:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmj0Vanuw4I

"It was Khorne's messenger who showed me the true path of freedom from our pathetic corpse Emperor. And what is this path? This meaning, this purpose to which we gather the skulls of our foes? It Is nothing. There is no meaning, no purpose. We murder. We kill. It is mindless savagery -- this UNIVERSE is mindless. In mere hours, billions will die -- innocent, guilty, strong and weak, honest and deceitful -- all of them! They will scream, they will burn, and for no purpose, but that mighty Khorne may revel in their bloodshed.

And united in this void of purpose, fear, or duty, we ... shall at long last ... be FREE!

BLOOD! FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS! FOR THE SKULL THRONE! LET THE GALAXY ... BUUURRRNNN!"

The Gore Queen doesn't strike me as quite so nihilistic, but she's got a lifetime of pain (experiencing it as a child, and causing it as a Battle Sister and Khornate warrior), and she ought to have a chance to explain herself.

Say, how did she get to join the Convent in the first place? Don't they usually take in orphans, or ... oh dear ... I don't suppose her parents died under suspicious circumstances, did they?

>>16927484
I wanted her to express to the troops under her command that no matter what they were all going to die. She knew that the Aprior Sector was far to large for her one fleet to destroy, but she could still cause as much grief, horror, and pain for the Knights Inductor as she could. I tried -keyword tried- to convey that in her speech. As I reread it I do see that it comes off as. Weak, very weak, shallow, no depth. I did want her to address to her followers casually though.

Anyways, playing Skyrim at the moment. I find it entertaining. I'll continue work on Chapter 2, which will be totally different from it's previous version when I post it.

Oh, Not Long Poster. Have you come to a conclusion as to how Damnos will respond to the Black Crusade of Dvi-Marion?

One little self-bump.

Oh, Not Long Poster, I thought you'd never ask about what happened to Gore Queen's parents.
> Maniacal Laughter

>>16927484
I thought about what you said, and before I go and finish fixing up Chapter 2 I should fix up the Gore Queen's speech. Here it is.

“We will have no victory here, I assure you my friends. We shall all die in this assault of the Apriori. But, we can deal a blow that the Knights will never forget. Abaddon knows that in the coming years the Knights Inductor could be a very real threat to everything that is Chaos and everything Chaos stands for. That is why you are here brave warriors of the Dark Gods. Each one of you has an objective today. And that objective is the wholesale slaughter of every single citizen of this planet. I don't want to just leave this place in cinders, because where is the fun in that. One press of a button, and they are all burned to ash. No blood, no spoils, no screams or cries of mercy. That isn't fun at all. So do not leave a soul alive in your path. Do not be merciful when committing this genocide against these Imperials either. I want frightful, horrifying, terrifying, appalling, murder. If it's slow and painful all the better, I always say. One last thing though. Each one of you should enjoy yourselves will caring out this objective. Experiment in with different final blows, change up the game a bit. You all deserve it, since I've kept you from battle for to long, it should actually be considered a crime. Enough, to the ships. Today, Dvi-Marion burns.”
>P.S. I updated the 1d4chan article, it includes the speech as well.
Is anyone still in this thread?

>>16927546

I think he'll let it be. He's been spending several decades/centuries (his time/Terran time) putting together a Crusade specifically to smash the Apriori, and while he does have some Grey Knights, he doesn't really have the right loadout for dealing with a full Black Crusade. If he moves to engage them, he will lose momentum, manpower (Marine-power, really) and materiel that would be better spent against his intended foe.

Despite his Puritanism, he does have a cynical, practical side. He knows that every throne, soldier, and tank that the Apriori spend on dealing with the Bloodied Coil is a throne, soldier, and tank that he won't have to fight. He also figures that a Black Crusade will attract a bigger response from the Imperium, which he can then bend to his goal after they are done with the Marion System.

I've got a scene in mind where Captain Darren engages with Captain Antilus, the leader of Damnos's Imperial Fist detachment, and we learn that Damnos basically thinks the same way that the Gore Queen does: he realizes that he may not have enough firepower to destroy every world in the Sector on his own, so his alternate plan is to smash the Apriori hard enough so that they cannot withstand the other threats of the Fringe -- essentially, make them bleed and leave them to the sharks.

Darren doesn't think too much of this.

>“So you will smash us, destroy yourselves in the process, and then leave xenos and heretics to finish your dirty work? The only people who will benefit from that plan are the enemies of humanity!” Darren spat, his words dripping with venom. “Some servant of the Imperium you are.” With that, he ended his transmission, leaving Captain Antilus alone with his thoughts.

>>16929583

Much better! I'll have some more detailed thoughts in my next post.

>>16929583
I remember you saying something about Damnos's objective was that. Good, least we were on the same page with that one.

While Gore Queen's method of destroying Apriori is slightly different, the end is the same. Bleeding them out so the wolves can pick up on the scent(I can use metaphors too!). She wants to imprint a tradgedy unlike any other with the Knights. Since she was trained as Sister of Reason, and was trained at the Torch, she knows of their history. Namely what struck out most in her mind was their veneration and how they honored the memory of all civilian deaths in everyone of their conflicts.

>>16929583

I had imagined something more like the Dawn of War Chaos leaders, where they address their troops from on high, but a more casual, conversational address to her followers (probably only her lieutenants and officers, if a Chaos warband can have such things) is an interesting new direction.

It might help the flow (which is still a bit sticky) to actually include a conversation -- maybe a Berzerker gets tired of sitting around, and challenges her to single combat, to take command of the Bloodied Coil. They arrange a time to clash in the gladiator pits of her flagship (what kind of Khornate starship wouldn't have gladiator pits?), everybody (or at least all the lieutenants and such) gathers to watch, and after she puts him in his place (violently, of course), I could see her casually address her warriors' concerns while the challenger's corpse cools -- or maybe, she talks to her warriors *while* taking her sweet time in killing him.

That would definitely establish her character: a supremely skilled warrior who takes the time to enjoy her bloody work. I guess she must walk a thin line -- Khorne doesn't care much for Slaaneshi crap like that, since it gets in the way of gathering blood and skulls.

Ooh, you know, the Dark Eldar take great pleasure in the art of killing; maybe, while a Sister, the Gore Queen saw them in action and was inspired?

>>16929767
Perhaps, but I like to think of her having suffered trauma at such a early and vital stage of her life. Which caused her to become a Khornate. Seeing her father abuse her mother more and more, made her think he was just trying to figure out new ways to make her and her mother's lives miserable. So, she thinks of ways to make dying more painful and slow for a person.

So on the thought of Slaanesh+Khrone follower. I always entertained myself with thought of her having a daughter. In my story, she's actually 60. But time in the warp plus those, age reducing, drug, thingies whatever they are named keeps her in the physical condition of a someone in their Mid-Twenties. "Blood Countess," is what I called Gore Queen's daughter. But I scrapped the idea. It felt to, jumping the shark for me, and I couldn't think of anything good to do with the character and thought she merely took away attention from Gore Queen. Basically, Blood Countess would be a Slaaneshi Khornate. Always walking a very thin line. Khorne hates Slaanesh, but loves it when he gets a good deal of blood tribute from a follower. I mean Kyras was a Psyker but was Khorne complaining about that when Kyras offered up four worlds to be destroyed no sir he did not.

Taking a break from writing for a moment. Skyrim time.

archive this!

>>16930776
Wait what!?! No, this is hardly worth archiving man. Just single chapter and some revisions, not worth clouding the archives with.

Bump.

Bump.

Thanks to everyone who has bumping. Bump the thread say, every three to four hours if ya can.

Going to bed now. If I get an hour or two to write, I'll probably get chapter 2 done and with any luck a bit of 3.

Bump after the crash!

Bump with some content.

+++Chapter Two, The End of All Hope. Sister Maria Stone, Battle Sister in the Order of Reason’s Light+++

Even now I find it painful to think of the events that fateful day on Dvi-Marion. It felt like the whole universe was coming down on us. Like there were no friends in the stars. Only enemies ready to stab us and leave us for dead. Both the Imperium and the Eye of Terror sent a Crusade against us. It’s still pains me to think of all those who died in the fighting. Although it has become easier to talk about the invasion with other veterans from the war, it’s still difficult. What happened that day must never be forgotten however, lest we allow it to happen again one day. While I sit in my chair, writing down sentences then immediately erasing them; I keep wondering where I should start my story. I decided it would be best to start my story when my squad and I were descending down to the planet. I was with my squad, and we were being taken to the planet by the use of a Valkyrie. While inside I felt as if I was a coin in a small tin can being shaken about by a young boy. Me and Rachel spoke to each other about what was happening, but I’ve forgotten the exact words.

I should explain those in my squad so that people know who they were. Its best I simply explain it so that I may better explain the story. If you wish to skip the next two paragraphs please do so. I'm very dull when it comes to describing people, so I do not blame any reader who chooses to skip my descriptions.

First there was Sister Rachel; she was my best friend since training at the Torch. She always buzzes her hair so that her helmet could fit better, pity because she had the most vibrant shade of red hair. I remember her tendency to curse however. A very unpleasant trait that she had, but I was tolerant of it. She made great company when I needed it most. After her there was Sister Taley, she was youngest amongst us. She was even younger than me; something that I can still hardly believe was possible. Maybe that was just a sign of my age. Anyways on to what I was saying before. We called her Rookie often, me and Rachel were the only ones who refused to haze her. Sister Cynthia and Sister Samantha were twins. Everything one of them did the other did it exactly the same way. Be it praying, fighting, or hazing poor Taley. Unlike the others they grew out their hair; allowing for their shared and beautiful blondish redish strawberry blonde hair to flourish. Their faces were covered in little freckles which were cut in half here and there by scars.

That's all.

Still working hard on the other paragraphs. I'm taking my time with each sentence, and trying to really watch grammar and flow in this chapter.

Wow. Cannot wait to read more.

I'm bringin' Sexy Bump

>>16934571
Any crakas around?

Test/Bump.

So, when Moot and company fix up the site Not Long Poster could you answer my question. How is, "End of a Species, Tales from the Aprior Sector," going to be effect by the Necron codex change?

Bump after DDoS attack.

>>16937630
Very much! I'm still working out the details, but here's an outline of what I've got:

- Tranzekh Dynasty, located in and around the Aprior Sector
- Not terribly significant, until their Crypteks figure out a way to partially store a person's memories and personality in a specially modified tesseract labyrinth; the Tranzekh Phaeron (Primekh) realizes that they can use this technology to store the experiences of their leaders (some of them, anyway), essentially giving future leaders an advisory council of all of their predecessors, with all of the wisdom and experience that that entails. Primekh is the first to interface with the so-called Engram Matrix, and he decrees that every Tranzekh Phaeron thereafter will do the same.
>No, this is totally not the Autobot Matrix of Leadership; what ever gave you that idea?
- It works really well. Tranzekh Phaerons become renowned for their ability, and Tranzekh becomes rather politically powerful; often, their Phaeron is on the Triarch, or at least a close advisor.
- While each Phaeron retains his or her identity, the experience of interfacing with the Matrix does change them; they tend to get more level-headed and introspective, what with all of the perspectives and collected experiences that they have access to, and so they largely avoided the First Wars of Secession. Their stability means that living conditions are generally better in their territories, so refugees (common and noble) try to flee there, if they can; this brings new technologies, ways of thinking, and other such things, so the Tranzekh do pretty well.
>more coming next post

>>16937793
Er, that was me.

- When the Triarch declare war on the Old Ones, the Tranzekh's prosperity means that they become the backbone of the Eastern Fringe theater of operations, and their Phaeron is put in charge of the military operations. Unfortunately, for all the wisdom in the Matrix, the Old Ones are just too powerful to be overcome, the Tranzekh lose a lot, and over many generations of failure, the Necrontyr offensive falters, and things start to fall apart in the Second Wars of Secession.

- At this point, the present Phaeron is Uptimekh (= Optimus), who took to the Matrix extremely well, and is known to be one of the finest leaders the Dynasty has ever seen; he manages to steer the Tranzekh out of most direct conflicts, and his strategic and tactical prowess leads them to victory in the conflicts he can't avoid. Again, Tranzekh is relatively stable, and again, is very attractive to refugees. Uptimekh reasons that he can't micromanage the integration of every newcomer into the Dynasty, and he can't oversee every detail of the reconstruction efforts, so he relaxes the controls exerted by the various layers of nobility, letting the lower levels of decision-making find the optimal solution for their jurisdiction; the citizens use their new-found autonomy to great effect, and the Tranzekh dynasty are back on their collective feet in less than a generation.

- Uptimekh knows that this will all be wasted if they tangle with the Old Ones again, so he declares that the Tranzekh will not actively seek war with the Old Ones. Amongst his Royal Court, he has an even crazier idea: to actively pursue a peaceful resolution to the War in Heaven.

>more coming soon

>>16937816

- This doesn't go over well with everyone. In particular, Uptimekh's long-time friend and trusted Overlord Mekatrekh (= Megatron) thinks that trying for peace is a bad idea. He agrees that they're not in any state for war, but he feels that, as soon as victory is possible, the Old Ones must be exterminated. Uptimekh and Mekatrekh were like brothers growing up, but a rift starts to grow between them; Uptimekh (in consultation with the Matrix) wants to end the cycle of violence by resolving the tension between the Old Ones and Necrontyr, while Mekatrekh wants to end it by annihilating the Old Ones. Mekatrekh privately decides that the Matrix has diluted Uptimekh's resolve, and left him too weak to lead; as soon as he finds a way to ensure victory over the Old Ones, he will use it, regardless of Uptimekh's opinion.

- Contact with the C'tan happens. Mekatrekh is all for the alliance, but Uptimekh is against it -- he is not going to let his subjects be robbed of their wills and identities ("Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," and all that). The destruction of the Khansu Dynasty proves that conventional resistance is futile, but Uptimekh soon comes up with a solution: he tells his Crypteks to build a massive version of the Engram Matrix, one with enough fractal dimensions to store the memories and personalities of every man, woman, and child in the Dynasty -- common and noble. It's a tall order, and Uptimekh has to use every trick he knows to buy enough time, but it gets done, and deployed. A partial copy of every Tranzekh citizen's memories and personality is safely stored, to be installed into their new bodies.

>continued

>>16937915

>The Engram Labyrinth is largely inspired by the Well of All Sparks.

- The command protocols stop both Mekatrekh and Uptimekh from completing their respective plans, but they do act behind the scenes to set things up so that their goals can be achieved. Uptimekh diverts troops and supplies to secure the crownworld of Kybertekh (= Cybertron, also the new name for the planet I currently designate as "Thanatos"), which also houses the Engram Labyrinth, while Mekatrekh gets his supporters in place to stage a coup against Uptimekh when the time comes. At first, each is unaware of the other's actions, but they come to realize what's going on, and they start to wage a cold war.

- The Great Sleep puts their plans on hold again, but Mekatrekh manages to subvert Uptimekh's timer during the shutdown process, so that he (Uptimekh) will not awaken as scheduled.

That's all for the ancient history of the Necrons in the Aprior Sector. The reactivation event in 915.M41 is also going to heavily revised, but I've still got some thinking and writing to do on that front.

>>16937936
I don't know what you mean. Got a pic?

>>16938102

Funnily enough, I've got an idea for a character who might fit that image. The gist of it is that not all Knights Inductor are the same. Captain Darren is extremely patient, even among the Knights, and unusually willing to deal with xenos; that's why he is the Master of the Deal. There are some Knights who have much shorter fuses; they are still dedicated to the defense of humanity, but they feel that the threats to humanity are too intractible for a diplomatic solution, so they are more willing to commit to use of force, and Second Company Captain Isaac Rico is the most outspoken of these. He and Darren butt heads a lot, but each one recognizes the importance of the other's point of view: violence is not a universal solution, and can often cause new problems when used, but negotiation is pointless without force to back it up.

Anyway, Rico and his Company (tentatively named "Rico's Roughnecks," though that name is a little too informal for a Space Marine Company) are very much exemplary of the Reasonable Marine in combat: hit hard, hit fast, and hit once and be done. Much more Mobile Infantry than Warrior Monk Brotherhood, if the name hasn't given them away.

I don't think that too many of them would go for the skull helmet, especially not when the Mk. IX armor is put into mass production (it has no separate helmet), but there's probably at least one who would, and in any case, the brutal simplicity of the depicted equipment does match the Knights' combat philosophy. (Is the Marine in the sketch images a Scout, do you think?)

>Oh yeah, another bit about the Tranzekh Dynasty: the name Tranzekh descends (indirectly) from Transformers, and the name Primekh descends indirectly from Primus. Not sure what I'll do for Unicron, if anything -- maybe some kind of world-engine that Mekatrekh manages to activate?

>>16909650
>First sentence needs comma removed; second needs semi-colon taken away.

>Commas can be used to either mark a stop, but not a full one. Or to link two halfs of a sentences like the previous sentence just demonstrated. Most authors use a "hit or miss" tactic with commas. Adding them wherever they think they should be. Tip: There shouldn't be more than one comma in a sentence.

>Semi-colons can be used in three different ways. One is to use it to link one sentence with another. Periods are full stops, while semi-colons are just breaks. Allowing the reader to stop and slow down, but not completely between items in a list with internal punctuation in order to make the groupings within the list clearer:

Besides winning Best Picture, The Silence of the Lambs swept the other major categories in the Academy Awards. With Jodie Foster, for Best Actress; Anthony Hopkins, for Best Actor; and Jonathan Demme, for Best Director.

The third and final way to use semi-colons is to use them between two independent clauses of equal rank with a conjunctive adverb or transitional phrase. Note that the semicolon comes before the conjunctive adverb or transitional phrase, and a comma follows the conjunctive adverb or transitional phrase.
Grammatik macht frei!

Heil Spëlltszcheck?

Anyways Not Long Poster; it seems the DDoS attack has ceased for the time being, care to tell what you think of those /tg/ questers using the Knights Inductor and the Eldar of Lida?

>bump!

I'm flattered that people think highly enough of them to call on them to aid the Transpace Guard. Knowing that people read what I write and like it is what keeps me writing.

>I may have more to say when my thoughts are more gathered...but posting is rather uncertain at this point.

Looks like everything is back up and running!

I haven't been following Meta Quest very closely, but preliminary research indicates that they have the Knights' character pretty well down: preferring to forestall the need for combat, but not afraid to get their hands dirty when the time comes.

Some notes on Knight Inductor gene-seed, since there seems to be some confusion on the questers' part: all Knights Inductor gene-seed has the Blank gene spliced into it, but as most Neophytes Inductor are not Blanks, and they only get the organs implanted after they are mostly grown up (late teens), the effect is basically an increased resilience in the face of Warp weirdness (and a complete deadening of any psychic abilities, assuming the implantation takes -- their gene-seed doesn't play nice with psykers, and since the Knights need astropaths and Librarians, they generally just bar psykers from getting implants entirely). Said resilience is more mental than physical; I chose to represent it in Deathwatch as a bonus to Willpower.

On the other hand, Neophytes who are Blanks are substantially empowered by the process, and with training and a set of implants similar to the Animus Speculum, they can manipulate the size, shape, and intensity of their null-field. With enough experience, they can have enough control to extinguish daemons at close quarters while not affecting their allies.

Seeing as the DDoS attack has FINALLY stopped, time I post a bump.

I'm currently trying as hard as I can to freaking finish this chapter, but now it seems that I've received the flu from my roommate.

Keep the thread alive, and I'll post what I have done so far tomorrow.

>>16940068
Thanks for the information.
I'll make sure to copy-paste it into the Meta Quest thread.

Also, we recruited a group of Lida farseers through our Knights Inductor contacts.

>>16940193

>Regarding Lida
The Eldar of Lida can generally be divided into two camps: those born and grown up well before 920.M41 (i.e. when the Emperor's Children Strike Cruiser "Circus of Envy" attacked, and the Apriori lent a hand in fending them off), and those who grew up around and after 920.M41. The former are typical Eldar -- convinced of their superiority, aloof in the extreme, and wishing that they could forget the fact that humanity exists (despite the fact that their Subsector is surrounded by humans). The latter are still aloof, and prone to smugness, but they are generally more personable. A small minority have taken an active interest in pursuing closer ties with the Apriori, and some cross-exchange between Eldar and human cultures has taken place. For example, some Lidan warriors have adopted some rituals (especially war-related Litanies) from the Order of Reason's Light (Sister Silmarwen made a powerful impression on them), and while nobody's started worshiping the Emperor yet (and no humans have started worshiping the Eldar pantheon yet)...given that both Isha and the God-Emperor are up and about, it's only a matter of time.

>More Knights Inductor things
I don't know how much detail you guys get into, but if inter-factional relationships matter, the Knights Inductor would probably get along really well with the Mobile Infantry. I haven't gotten much into the war-fighting side of the Knights Inductor yet, but they are big on the whole "war is controlled violence" and "applying precisely the required amount of pressure at the specified point at a designated time" deal. Not to mention the powered armor.

>>16940352
Noted on KI and MI relations

So far I believe we've done well in terms of introducing each team to the rigors of Meta-verse combat and interactions.
The Aurors I hope to be able to equip with hand phasers and train them in dual-wielding phasers and wands, or pick up some TSAB Cartridge Devices from a battlefield and turn them into pic related: wizards with revolver-wands and stetson-duster combo Protect spells.

>Wake up at 2:00 am
>Roommate has disappeared
>Open laptop
>Go to youtube
>External keyboard suddenly works thank god
>Play running in the 90s
>Then play show must go on
>mfw the show MUST go on

Working on chapter 2 now, because damn the flu, damn the DDoS attack, damn haters who will hate all writefags work forever, I'm getting this fucking chapter done.

Then the next one. And the next one, and I'll finish my chapter without altering my plan to write 17 chapters. I will get this done.

I need, to sleep, christ.Right now I feel like shit. But I'm never given, I face it with a grin. On with the show!

Bump with Darius of the KI attempting to blend in with some Black Numenoreans from Mordor.

Fucking hell. Is anyone here. I, I can't believe I have it almost finished. A few more paragraphs, I'm at 2,907 words right now.

Anyone there?
>mfw when the dawn is breaking

I'm going to bed now.

I can't keep this up. If I feel better tomorrow, I'll finish it. If I don't, I'm just going to go back to sleep.

>>16941656
OP...never stop. I like seeing people try, and then do. It takes so little fucking effort to try and rip something down. but so much more to try to create. what you are dooing is awesome. never loose sight its for you, first and foremost, next, that there are people on the sidelines enjoying it. hey. Get in on 1d4chan, the tiji sector. search /tg/ 40,000. pick up an un-used chapter instead of one of the stock ones you are useing. just a thought.

>>16942272
Thanks, so anyways, fever finally broke, so I'm gonna finish chapter 2 now.

Bump.

Is anyone still interested in me continuing? Fever came back, but broke again. I'm feeling better now, so I might finally finish goddangit.

Alright, I'm literally almost done.

Through fever, partial writer's block, uninspiring sentences or just plain boring paragraphs; through terrible grammar, and horrible spelling. Through it all I've finally made a chapter of quality work. Feels good man.

Pic related, probably Not Long Poster's feelings right now.

>>16935429
They were great company and it was always a pleasure to be around them. Every minute we spent with them was a minute well spent to put it plainly. Me, Rachel, Taley, Cynthia, and Samantha all had the same loud out: Bolt Gun(Scoped), Bolt Pistol(Silenced), two fragmentation grenades, combat knife, and Apriori pattern shock maul for incapacitating an enemy non-lethally. Now I’m beginning to remember Sister Maelas; Emperor on Earth -bless his name forever- she was tough as nails. There was always a rumor flying around the cafeteria about how she made a Dark Eldar Wynch cry once during one of their raids, and I completely believe it to this very day. I say she should have been a Sister Superior when the Crusade reached Apriori. Her conduct outside of the battlefield was less than exemplary however. Her hair was snow white, and her skin was black kind of mocha color. I’ve only ever seen only a few people with that skin tone.

>>16947012
Now allow me to explain about Sister Chelsea. I will warn all readers that I am very biased with my explanation of Chelsea. Chelsea would, well, perhaps it is not important. But she was a very manipulative person. I shall explain what I mean by that. I remember back in training at the Torch how she would twist the male trainees’ feelings around. She always had this eerie and creepy little smile. Whenever I saw it I could not help but cringe. Sister Fran was as devote as they come. She prayed to the Emperor every hour on the hour. Fran had memorized several religious documents which are so many they are beyond remembrance. She always had a verse from some book for every situation though, which sometimes was comforting. But other times it was simply annoying. Sister Jakobi never left much of an impression on me. She was shy and it was seldom she spoke with anyone in the squad. She stuck to the shadows, and you could be talking for hours with someone and not even notice she was in the corner of the room. Finally I’m beginning to remember Sister Superior Luna who is the only person I know who could beat Sister Maelas in the sparring room. A single scar from a Dark Eldar knife ran across her left cheek. Most of the fingers on her right hand had been replaced by augmented ones, and her left eye had been replaced with a mechanical one. Its lens glowed red in the darkness, which was very intimidating say the least. Her hair was long, flowing, and black as coal. I’d say that she was, probably the strongest, bravest, and wisest of us all. She was the finest the Sisters Reason’s Light had to offer.

>>16947014
It is probably best now that I have finished with descriptions and explanations I return to the story. I have barely even begun to detail the events of the invasion. My squad descended down to the planet in the Valkyrie all the while I kept on trying to fight the urge to throw up. Then the thing I dreaded the most came, the landing. The Valkyrie’s thrusters roared with fury as it came to a complete stop. If I didn’t get off of this thing in the next five minutes I would throw up. The ramp finally opened, and to my relief I was on point. I wish that the terrain was more inviting though. Several trees had been reduced to ash, craters from either side’s artillery dotted the landscape, and bodies from civilians laid on the ground dead. I saw several of our ships landing when I looked up into the sky. I was looking at a few Valkyries go off to the east I think; then I saw something in the corner of my eye. When I turned my gaze towards the reddish orange light I was horrified. It was so dreadful, I find it difficult to describe even now. By the throne, the Emperor, and Holy Terra the flames were so bright. I had heard before that the enemy was using napalm bombs. Flames had engulfed most the Capitol city when now, and the infernos raged on showing no sign of dying out anytime soon. The fires seem to have lept from building to building going on to destroy: houses, hospitals, schools, business centers, and restaurants in the process. Missiles thundered over head from the guard I think.

>>16947022
A few stray animals lay dead here and there, the occasional person every once in a while. I heard Superior Luna call out, “Ok girls listen up,” her voice was hesitant, “The guardsmen need support, so we’ll give them some. We march towards the suburbs…we dispatch any heretics we see. If we truly are the daughters of the Emperor…then let’s make dad proud! Maelas you’re on point. Jakobi cover our rear! Cynthia, Sandy, cover our right flank, Maria and Rachel you got our left.”

>>16947023
I forget the rest of the orders. I am beginning to remember a conversation though. “Bastards,” Rachel stated plainly her voice slightly muffled by her helmet. “They all need to just, just burn. They need all need to die for this. What do you think we should do this?” I replied saying, “Once we’re done with them, the only thing we’ll need worry about is what to do with the bodies.” I had forgotten how naïve I was at the time. Taley decided to interject into the conversation, “What do you think the enemy is? Exactly.” Slightly puzzled by this I said, “What do you mean?” Taley thought for a moment, trying to think of what to say or how to put her thought into words. “I mean, “She started to say, “You think there all from the Eye. I mean like they were born there. Or are they all traitors. People who once served the Emperor, but now they serve Chaos. You think they could serve the Emperor again?” Rachel replied hastily, “I don’t bother myself with useless thoughts like that. And heretics don’t get second chances. You know that as well as I.” I frowned with some contempt at that. I disliked her automatically dismissal of Taley’s question. It was a perfectly good question in fact. I replied to Taley while looking around for the enemy, “I don’t think the Eye of Terror has any stable communities. No places for any children to even grow up, it’s nothing but hell holes they call daemon worlds. I don’t think it’s any place to raise a child either. Don’t worry about redemption for traitors either; the Emperor will take care of that.” There was a moment of silence. Taley was thinking about what to say next. Then she said slowly and reluctantly, “Right, it was a stupid question.” I keep trying to remember what else happened. Since I’m delving so deep into memories I remember something now. I have failed to explain our mission.

>>16947031
I’m beginning to remember a conversation. “Bastards,” Rachel stated plainly, her voice slightly muffled by her helmet. “They all need to just, just burn. They all need to die for this. What do you think we should do with them Maria?” I replied saying, “Once we’re done with them, the only thing we’ll need worry about is what to do with the bodies.” I had forgotten how naïve I was at the time. Taley decided to interject into the conversation, “What do you think the enemy is exactly?” Slightly puzzled by this I said, “What do you mean exactly?” Taley thought for a moment, trying to think of how to put her thought into words. “I mean, “She started to say, “You think there all from the Eye. I mean like they were born there. Or are they all traitors. People who once served the Emperor, but now they serve Chaos. You think they could serve the Emperor again?” Rachel replied hastily, “I don’t bother myself with useless thoughts like that. And heretics don’t get second chances. You know that as well as I.” I frowned with some contempt at that. I disliked her automatically dismissal of Taley’s question. It was a perfectly good question in fact. I replied to Taley while looking around for the enemy, “I don’t think the Eye of Terror has any stable communities. No places for any children to even grow up, it’s nothing but hell holes they call daemon worlds. I don’t think it’s any place to raise a child either. Don’t worry about redemption for traitors either; the Emperor will take care of that.” There was a moment of silence. Taley was thinking about what to say next. Then she said slowly and reluctantly, “Right, it was a stupid question.” I keep trying to remember what else happened. Since I’m delving so deep into memories I remember something now. I have failed to explain our mission.

>>16947049
I find it funny, when I try to explain what happened that night and I miss one of the most important parts of my story. Our mission objective, the whole reason why we were here in the first place. I've forgotten to explain this very important detail. We were being sent to reinforce a Guard Regiment that had been ambushed in the suburbs. They had taken numerous casualties fighting enemy droptroopers. We would move in to assist while the rest of our Covent marshaled for a counter-offensive against the Bloodied Coil across the world. It seemed so easy though, like we would just appear and they would surrender. That we would beat them to cinders without even trying. We believed the Emperor was on our side, but his attention must have been elsewhere. I had no idea at the time what the forces of Chaos were capable of though. Our squad pushed onwards towards the suburbs; the light from the burning city illuminating our path. We could see pillars of smoke lingering ominously above the city. I saw some figures ahead of us assembled around a camp fire.

>>16947052
Fourteen traitor guardsmen lay talking around the fire. One of them had a acoustic instruement out, strumming along to some tune. I was just about to open fire when I heard a whisper from Luna, “Wait. Everyone get down.” I fell to the charred grassy floor and I eyed the heretics closely. I heard them speaking but they weren’t just talking, they were singing something. I remember it was about five Khornates fighting a hundred guardsmen alone. The whole lot of them had to be pretty relaxed to just be singing around a camp fire while our dropships fell from the sky. One of them had an acoustic instrument pulled out and he was strumming to some tune while the rest sang along to the melody. Subvocalizing to the squad Luna said, “Hold your fire. There might be more hiding somewhere else so I want to just keep our eyes on them for now. Keep your eyes open.” I didn’t like that idea at all. I wanted to just kill them all and keep moving. The guardsmen were most likely getting ripped to shreds at this moment. We laid there for a good while, I’d say about fifteen minutes. The entire time nothing happened, and I suspected Luna was about to give the order to engage when we saw a shape moving towards the fire. It was a large man in bulky dark crimson colored armor. It only took me a mere second to identify him as an Astartes.

>>16947061
He sat beside the traitors as if they were his brothers. He shouted aloud to his comrades, “Glad to see you all made it. I half expected you people to be crashed into the ground somewhere.” The surrounding heretics laughed at his last comment but the humor was lost on me. I was more than confident that no more enemies lurked in the shadows. Besides we needed to deploy to the guardsmen quickly; only the Emperor would know how many casualties they had taken. I was glad however that Luna had the foresight to order us to wait and observe the enemy. That Corrupted Astartes could have easily flanked the squad if we engaged the traitors. Luna subvocalized to all of us, “Open fire.” I saw the huge Astartes react. Sister Jakobi and Sister Chelsea lift from the ground, and they both were sending a hail of bolter shells towards the unsuspecting Chaos traitors.

>>16947063
Five of them fell in the hail of fire. The rest of them scrambled to find their weapons while the rest of my squad unloaded everything we had on them. Luna and I focused on the Astartes, seeing as he presented the biggest threat out of all the traitors around us. But I had to either be extremely careless in my aim because I shot too wide. Thundering out of my bolter was seven no eight bolt rounds all of which missed the Marine. Luna’s aim was far greater than mine though. She fired off only two rounds. Both of them hit the Space Marine in the chest. His ceramite armor was broken, his organs began to fail him, and his blood spilled out onto the ashen ground. But before he would die from his wounds he had one last act of evil to commit in this world. He reached for his side with a speed I though impossible, not even Luna could react in time. He pulled out a bolt pistol, and he fired a round at Luna. Her head exploded into a mess of gore and blood, her mechanical eye fell right in front of me.

>>16947075
The Chaos Space Marine died from his wounds no doubt succumbing from all the shrapnel imbedded inside him. I looked around and saw none of my other Sisters had fallen to the enemy. We had caught them by surprise. Before they could even retrieve their own weapons we showered them with bolt rounds. Maelas walked up to me and said, “She’s gone, she’s gone now.” Her head drifted downwards, depression almost coming off of her. I didn’t know what to say, but I think I should have tried to assure her that she was beside the Emperor. But I myself was still racked with shock at the time so I stayed silent. Sister Cynthia decided to try and salvage the situation. “Hold it together,” she said, “You really think she’d want us to be just sitting here. We got guardsmen to save, so get up and let’s get moving.” Maelas turned in anger towards Cynthia. Her words filled with hate, at either her or the enemy, “And what shall we do with Luna, huh? Just leave her here. We have to, bury her or something.” Without an ounce of hesitation Cynthia replied with all sincerity, “No time. We gotta move now, we’ve spent too much time as is.” I was afraid of what Maelas would do at this point. To my surprise however, she simply nodded. We formed back into a squad, this time with Jakobi on point, me watching the flank. It had to be longer than just a half hour though, because as we entered the suburbs the sun was rising. I said to Rachel beside me, “Wasn’t in 10-o-clock when we landed.” She said, “Yeah, how is the sun coming up so early.” Everyone else questioned it as well. Then we all came to the same realization, it wasn’t the sun. It was a burning frigate.

And done.

>U LIKE? U MAD? TELL ME SO I CAN IMPROVE

Seriously happy I have that finally done. Hope I didn't fuck it up.

Wow... This still alive? wow!
Epic!

>>16947089
Yeah I'm surprised myself that I kept it alive all this time. With whole DDoS attack, me getting the flu, and all these other factors getting in the way constantly.

>>16947110
Epic.
Just on a side note:
I know it might seem weird but Something that feel the Knights Inductors would have a sniper unit or division. Seeing they have created a gravity-manipulation mass driver. Sniping with that thing? WOO-EE!!

>>16947124
Oh I have an idea for a chapter based around Apriori Guardsmen snipers duking it out with Inquisitorial Stormtrooper snipers..

>>16947134

I can see that! Freaking Imperials are heckling them while the Apriori Guardsmen snipers sit silently and do their job. in the end only one remains on both sides. final shots are made. Imperial gets hit in the head, through his scope. The Apori is just nicked.

>>16947145
Not so one sided. I was thinking more of the Apriori snipers getting owned till they are down to just one man, then it's revealed that they were merely distracting the Stormtroopers as a squad of Guardsmen come up right behind the Inquisitorial Snipers.

>>16947154
Even better!

I just hope Not Long Poster is still around. I value his input most of all. Mostly cause he wrote most of this stuff!

>>16947124
One last bump before bed.

See ya tomorrow lads.

Bump

So I just saw someone put my thread on the suptg archives. Thanks. Also the pictures I post alongside the writefaggotry are mostly trying to show the devastation from the bombardments on Dvi-Marion and her many numerous, diverse settlements.

Btw shameless self-bump.

In general, Sister Maria's interruption and stumbling over her story (especially the expository parts) bothers me. FYI, most documentaries and other educational works do edit their interviews to make them more pleasant to watch (or listen to, or read, as the case may be).

That said, your writing is noticeably better -- the campfire scene is your strongest writing so far (especially since Maria's done with trying to remember all of the background details).

I think what would help most going forward is to break up your paragraphs a little more, especially the dialogue portions. In general, anytime a new person speaks, you should have a paragraph break. In books, that means a new line and a tab; 4chan doesn't seem to support tabs, so I use double-returns when I'm posting here. Also, you should probably start a new paragraph any time your main character gets a new train of thought, like when Maria starts thinking about someone else.

Our brains aren't good at processing massive walls of text; breaking up your paragraphs adds some space to the document, which makes it easier for us to read, and makes it easier for you to proofread.

Some really important errors to fix: posts >>16947031 and >>16947049 contain much of the same text, and you've got several sentences that are redundant, to say the least: "I keep trying to remember what else happened. Since I’m delving so deep into memories I remember something now. I have failed to explain our mission. I find it funny, when I try to explain what happened that night and I miss one of the most important parts of my story. Our mission objective, the whole reason why we were here in the first place. I've forgotten to explain this very important detail."

I don't know how you're writing this, but if you break up the text, errors like these will be much easier to spot.

>>16947124
The grav-driver is primarily an anti-materiel weapon, like the lascannon. Not that it won't kill organic targets, but sniper rifles do the same thing for a lower price, so the ASAF save the grav-drivers for sniping vehicles or other heavily armored targets.

A skirmish team might actually deploy with both types of weapons -- use the grav-driver to bust open any armor traveling with an enemy unit while the snipers break up the infantry.

>>16947154
In the real world, snipers have spotters to keep an eye out for things going on outside the scope's view area (like enemies moving to flush them out) -- but this is the world that brings us DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD! Just make sure that the snipers aren't wasted -- they aren't cheap. Of course, there are always unknown unknowns; what seems like the best option may end up turning bad, by enemy design or by bad luck.

Fun sniper tactic: if there's a bunch of enemies moving in a line, take out the second one (assuming there aren't any obvious officers or specialists, like commissars with huge hats).

>>16949158
So, all in all, it wasn't shit. Everything went better than expected then.

I got better at breaking up the paragraphs towards the end. Last three I think? Which amazes me because at the time I was racked with fever. But I was determined to get this chapter done dammit, so maybe that's why it turned out better than I thought it would. Most problems with paragraphs are from the me having to shorten a paragraph since the field is too long. That just annoys the hell out of me when I have to figure out a new way to format the paragraph.

>>16949217
Inquisitorial Stormtroopers' would be a four men in a single team, the Apriori snipers would be a six man team. That was the picture I had in my head anyways.

Ok I'm taking a nap, and I updated the 1d4chan article. Added in the change in paragraph, whatever you call god I'm tired right now.

Peace out.

>>16949312
The limit seems to be 2000 characters -- the "word count" function in your word processor of choice should tell you how many characters there are in a given selection. Make sure you're looking at the number that includes spaces.