Just stat it yourself.

>inb4 yo mamma joke

>Rhino
>Remove horn
>Add bite attack
>Add swim speed

Done

Bit of googling turns up a d20 hippo.
There's also a pathfinder hippo which has a few tasty abilities like Capsize and Red Sweat, but I'm not sure how well pathfinder can into 3.5.

Hippos ought to be viable options as paladin mounts.

They didn't include them because they are too strong.

You roll up with your level 20 party, just having defeated the Lord of All Hells, and you see a hippo in the distance.

Next thing you know, the halfling is in trying to stuff his guts back in, the fighter is missing his right arm and most of his head, and the wizard is sobbing in a tree, unable to cope with the sheer terror of facing God's Personified Rage against His Creation.

Hippos, man. You just don't fuck with them.

What about the legendary fantastipotamus? I hear they sing three times a day.

>>17708383

>add firearms
>add monocle
>add pith helmet
>put on wooden sailing vessel
>launch into space
>fight the evil drow from the Spider Moon

fuck yar

There's a statline for Hippos in 3.5's Sandstorm splatbook.

>and chcppo
Is that some relative of the Hippo, captcha?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQ69bee9WdQ

Sadly, hippos suffer a racial penalty to Balance checks, as we see in this video.

It's Hot Out (aka Sandstorm), p.193
There's a hippo right there.

Hell there's even a PrC for Clerics/Paladins of Sandstorm's hippo Deity. SCION OF TEM-ET-NU on p.82

>>17708430
>>17708435
What an odd place to put them. Hippos aren't desert animals.

>>17708451
Hot, dry, African Plains. Tem-et-su is a river God.

>>17708399
I'm now imagining a knight riding an armoured hippo, bearing down on the enemy, the beast's enormous jaws apage and about to close...

Shit, hippos are fucking terrifying.

>>17708460
What kind of pussy needs to armour their hippo?

>>17708400
9000 hours etc.

Just out of interest, is there any historical precedent for using hippos as war animals, ala rhinos or elephants?
With their cantankerous natures and great size, they'd seem a natural fit. Just prod the hippo towards whatever you want to die, then let it go.

>>17708516
Too slow, dry out too quickly & can't be ridden effectively in water either, will of steel so won't suffer being ridden lightly.

>>17708451
Living in water in desert countries makes you a desert animal.

>Tortoise wizard
>With hippo familiar

>>17708564
>Druid
>With tortoise Animal Companion

>>17708460
Now imagine that the hippo is half-dragon. And the knight is attacking from the air.

>>17708582
Did a dragon fuck a hippo, or a hippo fuck a dragon?

>>17708588
The hippo fucked the dragon. The dragon didn't want to at first, but the hippo made him like it.

>>17708588
Oh, the hippo raped the dragon, of course.

Because hippos, man. Not even dragons fuck with them.

Good way to troll your players, giving your hippo a breath weapon.
They think they're just yawning, then it's too late.

>>17708604

They technically already do.

Their breath is supposed to be like a morgue with no refrigeration.

The world is not round.
It is flat & circular.
It rest on the backs of 4 elephants.
The elephants stand on the back of a giant turtle flying through space.

We all know this. But what they don't tell you (so they don't scare you so much you never sleep again) is that the turtle isn't flying aimlessly, it's fleeing.

Fleeing from a hippopotamus that want's to fuck.

>>17708434
This made me sadder than I ever thought possible.

/r/ stats for a Dire Hippo

There are a few things everyone should be terrified of. Badgers, wolverines, getting between momma and baby bear, and fuckin hippos.

>>17708640
This should cheer you up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zygB_BD5PNU

Hippos making successful Perform (Synchronised Swimming) checks

The hippo is stated in Sandstorm if I am not wrong, it's a hell of a beast and if you bear with me, and post some tits, I will post the stats for it.

>>17708667
Yes-yes, man-things...
Soon-quick, Clan Moulder will combine those beast-things together and you will have to face the terrifying... Grizzly woldgerpotamus! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

I have a simple motto. If the ancient Egyptians could kill something, it's not worth shit.

>>17708399
Oh man, I was born in the wrong century. Being a British Officer back in the imperial days would have been awesome.

>>17708688
That's a lot of shit that ain't worth shit.

>>17708688
>implying the Ancient Egyptians killed hippos as opposed to simply trying to stay the fuck away from them
>implying that they also didn't make one of their goddesses a hippo just to try and suck up to them

>>17708667

I hope by badgers, you actually meant Honey Badgers.

Because if those things were any bigger, we'd have just nuked them...provided they didn't kill us off 200,000 years ago.

>>17708713
Going out and murdering a few hippos was commonplace for nobles.

>>17708386
This.

Hippo is the second most awesome monster in the pathfinder bestiary, just after the loli cute soul-puppet.

>>17708685
You suck.

HIPPOPOTAMUS
Large Animal
Hit Dice: 8d8+40 (76 hp)
Initiative: –1
Speed: 20 ft. (4 squares), swim 20 ft.
Armor Class: 14 (–1 size, –1 Dex, +6 natural), touch 8, fl at-footed 14
Base Attack/Grapple: +6/+17
Attack: Bite +12 melee (2d6+10)
Full Attack: Bite +12 melee (2d6+10)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: —
Special Qualities: Hold breath, scent
Saves: Fort +11, Ref +5, Will +3
Abilities: Str 24, Dex 9, Con 20, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 3
Skills: Listen +7, Spot +6, Swim +15
Feats: Improved Bull Rush, Improved Overrun, Power Attack
Environment: Warm plains and forests (rivers)
Organization: Solitary, pair, or herd (10–15)
Challenge Rating: 6
Alignment: Always chaotic evil
Advancement: 9–16 HD (Large); 17–24 HD (Huge)
Level Adjustment: —

Sometimes known as the river horse, the hippopotamus is an immense mammal usually found in or near rivers, ponds, and lakes. It spends most of its daylight hours wallowing in mud or lounging in water to keep its skin from drying out.

The typical river hippo has eyes on the top portion of its head (rather than the sides), so that it can see above water as it fl oats. Its large nostrils close tight when it submerges, and it can hold its breath for several minutes at a time. A hippopotamus can even sleep while submerged.

Combat
Hippopotami are often brutally territorial and do not hesitate to attack anything they perceive as a threat. Their powerful, tusklike incisors can slice through wood and even thin metal with ease.

Hold Breath (Ex): A hippopotamus can hold its breath for a number of rounds equal to 8 × its Constitution score before it risks drowning.

Skills: A hippopotamus has a +8 racial bonus on any Swim check to perform some special action or avoid a hazard. It can always choose to take 10 on a Swim check, even if distracted or endangered. It can use the run action while swimming, provided it swims in a straight line.

>>17708492
That is glorious.

Hippo, advanced in HD until it hit Titanic. That's my next BBEG.

>>17708752
Is there a Dire version for this mofo?

>>17708781
Not in the book. Give t a few more HD, top up it's stats, give it something where it can bite an enemy and then drag it down into the water to drown it, and you're good to go.

>>17708752

>Alignment: always chaotic evil

lolwut

http://hippohippo.ytmnd.com/

>>17708804
I just posted what's in the book. I guess WotC knows what they're talking about sometimes after all.

>>17708804

HAVE YOU NOT *SEEN* HIPPOS, DUDE? THEY WILL GUT YOUR SHIT JUST FOR LOOKING AT THEM WEIRD.

THEY'VE GOT A HIGHER KILLCOUNT PER YEAR THAN ALLIGATORS AND CROCODILES COMBINED, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.

>>17708823

They are responsible for more human deaths in africa than most of the other animals combined, I think.

>>17708835
In the last decade they've been responsible for more deaths worldwide than nuclear weapons.

Spelljammers laughs at your ignorance.

But...did you get that thing they sent you?

>>17708879
Yeah, they're responsible for more human deaths than black holes, supernovas and cthulhu put together as well.

>>17708920
I know right, they're fucking brutal man.

>>17708725
All badgers, but yes their king The Honey Badger rules over the ruthless host Teef and Fur.

So does this count as an area of effect?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyZwDcLGknU

>>17709155
>>17709183
Fucking hippomind

>>17709155
Breath weapon from Both sides man. Don't think you can flank a fucking hippo.

>>17708823
Crocs, alligator, and lions, worldwide, don't kill as many humans in an average year than Hippos. Those things are killing machines. Made all the worse by the fact that, from a distance, they look cute and peaceful due to their rounded bodies. But they're VERY territorial and VERY aggressive. When a group of Hippos move into a river area or watering hole, the crocodiles leave.

>>17708734
And what happened afterwards? They got their shit rocked by Persia. Because the Hippos wanted fucking revenge, so they manipulated the Persians into invading.

Then they got the Romens to come and rock them too, because a Hippo thirsts for revenge like a fish thirsts for water.

And they revolution? I'll let you figure it out.

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Pygmy Hippo" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Hippos deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine hippo in Africa for 2 loaves of bread (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even chew up slabs of solid steel with my hippo.

Mommy hippos spend months working on a single hippo and fatten it up to a million times to produce the finest mammals known to mankind.

Hippos are thrice as strong as elephants and thrice as tough for that matter too. Anything a crocodile can bite through, a hippo can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a hippo could easily bisect a rhino with a simple bite.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Africa? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Africans and their hippos of destruction. Even during the colonization of Africa, European soldiers targeted the men with the hippos first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Hippos are simply the best animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for hippos:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of hippos in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Hippos need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

>>17710189

>>17710189
perfect.