I found myself in a tavern, though I'm rather certain that's not where I was trying to go. The calibration of my teleportation crystals must have either been misaligned or they simply were not in the mood, and I jotted down a quick note to either realign them or scold them when I returned to my tower.

Though it was not my intended destination, it turned out to be a suitable place to find an odd assortment of mixed company who were seeking some ancient secret or recent rumor or whatever it is those kind of groups are currently concerned with. The path that magic lays out for me is strange indeed, since in only a few seconds I noticed just such a group huddled in the darkest corner of the tavern, and with a sudden blast of hindsight quickly scratched out a rather unnecessary addition to my notebook.

A blonde-haired human man wearing silver inlaid armor was lazily arguing with a black bearded dwarf with eyebrows so thick and long they completely obscured his eyes. Across from them sat an auburn-haired elf with a bored expression who was slowly tracing circles upon a map with her finger, and all of them seemed to share the aura of people waiting for something to happen.

Digging into one of my pockets, I found my K'yu stone, a large amethyst cut in the shape of a spindle. It remained motionless, and so did I, until the volume of the two men's argument rose sharply and the gemstone began to vibrate.

"Ah shay we don't need one!" the dwarf suddenly bellowed, "They're ill luck and ah could never shtand their anticsh."

"We don't have a choice," the human said, equally loudly but far more calmly, " We don’t stand a chance without a wiz-"

"Wizard?" I asked, stepping towards them, making sure my pointed hat and robes were excessively visible, "I couldn't help but overhear-"

"Ah bet you c-" the dwarf began.

"Could, yes, but I ended up overhearing anyways," I continued, "And I just happened to be looking for work befitting my profession."

The three of them eyed me over for a few seconds, and while they did I had a sudden epiphany. With my skills and incredible intelligence, it made little sense for me to go risking my life following a group of strangers into some unknown dangerous locale all for the sake of treasure that might not even be there. I could simply summon an earth elemental, ask it to deliver me some gold, and it would locate a natural vein of the material and dig it up all by itself in no time at all.

Just as I was about to turn away to begin my profitable new venture, the human spoke up. "It's good that you offered your help, for we are in great need of a wizard. You see, 1,000 years ago..."

I would have cut him short at that point, but politeness demanded that I listen to the full story of all of his ancestors and why it’s his destiny to get the something or other. While the man recounted the last several hundred years to a person who likely wrote the book he was reciting from, I took the moment to take a close examination of the three of them.

The human was clearly a warrior, judging by his build and sense of awareness, though his unmarred equipment and light attitude led me to believe he lacked actual combat experience and instead relied on sparring results to satisfy his ego. He had the good sort of pride, the kind that kept you on the straight and narrow path and made you bathe often, though you can't have the good kind without the bad kind. He seemed completely convinced that he was the only one who could retrieve the ancient lost... thing, and I could only hope he wouldn't get himself needlessly killed.

It took me a moment, but the way his nostrils twitched slightly in a very peculiar way whenever he took a deep breath convinced me that his name was "Litaeous DeAllor." It takes a special kind of genius to be able to learn a person's name from such subtle clues, but you can't become a wizard if you can't handle such simple deductions.

The dwarf was a dwarf. Stubborn, enjoys ale, and devotedly attached to his beard. While this may seem like something that just about any man who knows anything about dwarfs could discern from a casual glance at one, that's actually a rather bigoted idea and you should be a little ashamed for thinking that. I assure you that I noticed many fine details that permitted me to be certain that he was a stereotypical dwarf, such as the ale tankard in his hand and the beard on his face. Of course, thanks to my thorough academic instruction, I could read the dwarven runes that he had chiseled onto his armor, and discerned his name was "Madein Ironhall."

The elf was attractive, but the distinct callouses on her fingers led me to believe she was well practiced in picking locks and pockets, or she enjoyed tickling armadillos under their chins (which would develop similar callouses). Either way, she was not a woman I could easily trust, but thankfully my drink arrived halfway through the human's tale and it became that much easier.

By watching at what parts of Litaeous's story her ears perked up, I realized that she was his childhood friend, and that both of them harbored hidden feelings for each other. Likely, by the end of this adventure they will have shared a few romantic scenes and realized that they had loved each other since the moment they had first met.

Unfortunately, that means that I would have to come up with excuses to leave the two of them alone for lengths of time, which meant I would have to drag the dwarf off and spend time with him. Hopefully, the dwarf enjoys being regaled by lengthy, historically-rich while highly relevant stories, as I would be sure to provide him with these.

Nice of you to drop by, Mr. Pratchett.

"Ah'm shick of ya lengthy, hishtorically-rich whahl hahly relevant shtory," Madein interrupted, just as Litaeous was in the middle of explaining how his evil half-brother had stolen some artifact that prevented some ancient evil from doing something,

“Yeah, we should go out and do something already,” The elf added. There was a moment where everyone simply stared at each other silently, until my K’yu stone began to vibrate.

“Yes, we should definitely go now, as there’s no time to waste,” I said, moving towards the door.

“Where exactly should we go?” Litaeous asked, and he sounded genuinely curious.

“Well, if your half-brother is clearly evil, than he’ll likely be in a clearly evil place. There’s a place called Castration Mountain not too far from here, and that’s likely the most evil sounding place for miles.”

“If he’sh anything lahke me, he’d shtay far away from a plashe called Cashtration Mountain,” Madein growled, and while I agreed that it wasn’t a place any sane man would want to venture towards, I had to figure out some way to convince him to go.

“…It’s a misnomer,” I said simply, “Its name originally came from the old goblin words ‘Kas Tershen’ which means ‘wide mountain.’ The name changed over the centuries until it became known as Castration Mountain.”

“Ah shee...,” Madein muttered, “But that’sh shtill no reashon to think that hish brother-“

“Half-brother,” Litaeous interjected

“…would go anywhere near the plashe. It’sh a foolsh errand to go there without shome short of proof he’sh there beyond your shilly laine of reashoning.”

“I saw that he was there through my crystal ball,” I invented quickly, “so we might as well be going.”

It took us nearly three days to reach Castration Mountain, and during the trip I spent a good portion of my time explaining the deep mysteries of magic to Madein while Litaeous and the elf would keep doing that “glance at each other, then quickly look away while blushing” act. It wasn’t until we reached the mountain itself that Madein explained to me that he had a remarkable talent, that of being able to sleep while walking, something I hadn’t noticed before thanks to his obscenely bushy brows.

The elf (I swear I’ll figure her name out eventually) managed to spy a group of goblins from a good distance away, and my compatriots eagerly readied themselves for a battle. Though I’d rather not dampen their spirits so early in our quest, I was also not in the mood for any of them to discover what the goblins of Castration Mountain did to any men they managed to capture. With a few quick words, I created the illusion of a large boulder, telling them that we could simply hide inside of it until the goblins passed.

The dwarf and elf grumbled at the notion of hiding from goblins, but Litaeous seemed to think it was a genuinely good idea. “And if they do discover us,” he added, “We’ll just leap out and kill them all.”

Hiding inside the illusion of the boulder, we watched as the group of goblins swelled in size as it came nearer and nearer, until we were all rather glad we had chosen to hide. There must have been hundreds of them, along with hobgoblins, ogres and trolls, all of them well armed and moving with purpose. There are frightening things in this world, but few of them compare to a small army of monsters heading towards you, chatting in loud voices about how they were going to castrate any man they found.

“Ah thought you shaid it wash a mishnomer,” Madein dared to whisper as a goblin less than ten paces from us began to cackle as it sharpened its knives.

“I lied. ‘Kas Tershen’ actually means ‘to remove the testes’ in goblin.”

“Ya bashterd.”

Though the rest of the group was rather unhappy about being at an incredibly high risk of being found and subsequently slaughtered, I was rather pleased, because there was no way these creatures managed to organize themselves in such a large group without some sort of incredibly powerful person acting as their leader. By listening to the goblins and other monsters chatter away, I quickly discovered that not only were they being led by Litaeous’s half-brother (an obvious conclusion), but that if there was an elf hiding from them at that exact moment, her name would likely be Belandra Greenleaf.

After nearly half an hour, the army of monsters passed us without even going near our illusionary boulder, much to the relief of my party. Belandra seemed to be ready to go, but both Litaeous and Madein required a few minutes to regain their composure. Though they were both hardy men, there’s only so many times a man could listen to an army of monsters threatening to geld them before they break down. That number is 637, and they each heard that threat well over a thousand times.

With the army out of our way, we made our way towards the massive keep where Litaeous’s half-brother was holding the something. In truth, I’m pretty sure I could just summon an earth elemental, have him infiltrate the castle by tunneling through the walls, steal the something, and return it within a matter of minutes. But, it was fairly obvious that we’d all have to go into the castle, fight a number of battles against groups of monsters that were appropriately sized for us to triumph over them, and then we’d finally meet the half-brother, listen to his speech, and after a thrilling battle where the dwarf would sacrifice his life we’d succeed in retrieving the whatever-it-is.

Though I felt pretty sorry for Madein, I’m not the person who decided to be completely expendable.

Once inside the castle, Belandra began sneaking about, picking various locks and opening various chests and drawers. We followed immediately after her, armor clanking as the two other men strode through the stone corridors, wondering what she possibly thought could have been hidden in a pantry.

There were a few battles, but I didn’t even need to participate in them, allowing me to write up a first draft of Madein’s eulogy as the three of them fought. Every so often I would create the illusion of flames and send them towards a goblin just to pretend I was being productive, in case there later was a dispute as to how much gold I was supposed to get at the end of this adventure.

After a few hours, we had cleared the outer area of the keep (with the dwarf and elf grabbing anything valuable that wasn’t bolted down), but still hadn’t figured out how to get into the inner part of the castle. Thankfully, just as the party was about to lose hope, my K’yu stone began to vibrate when I was next to a very large expanse of wall. Unsure what it meant at first, I simply paused, dramatically pulled out my notebook, and began drawing various scribbles to stall for time.

“What is it?” Litaeous asked, looking excited.

“There is a… strange flow of energy… I’m trying to analyze where it’s coming from,” I replied as I drew a picture of a cute rabbit.

“Wait a moment… This part of the wall seems different,” Belandra said as she began to examine it, “Yes! It’s a secret passageway!”

After pushing and pulling several stones a few times, she managed to figure out how to open the passage. As the stones slid to either side, Litaeous turned towards Madein and said, “See? I told you it was a good idea to bring a wizard with us. We might’ve never have found this secret passage without him.”

“Hmmph,” was all that Madein replied as he stepped into the dark passageway, “Ah would’ve notished it eventually.”

After fighting our way through the inner keep, we finally reached the massive chamber where Litaeous’s half- brother was using this sort of potato-looking object in some kind of ritual. Though I was pretty tired from having to pretend to be productive for so long, I listened as the half-brother began his speech with “1,000 years ago, my ancestors began…”

Somewhere around halfway through his speech, I realized that his entire motivation for performing the ritual was because one of his ancestors was cruelly betrayed by his king, and now he sought revenge against the entire kingdom. While it was true that his ancestor had been betrayed, I suddenly realized a way for us to completely skip the tragic battle in which Madein would heroically sacrifice himself.

“You’re wrong,” I said simply to him, “King Andeleros could not have betrayed Nadarin DeAllor in the battle of Nargefandelesh, because the two of them lived nearly a hundred years apart, and Nadarin DeAllor hadn’t even been born when the battle began.”

Litaeous and his half-brother stared at me, but I simply put my hand into one of the large pockets within my robe, and as I pulled out my notebook I cast a minor illusion upon it.

“I even have proof. The chronicler Bargadeneshlaboobadooba has all the dates right here in his history of the kingdom. In fact, it says that Nadarin DeAllor lived a very long time and was good friends with all the kings that reigned during his happy life.”

The half-brother couldn’t believe it, and even continued to deny it after he had read the passages I pointed out to him in my glamoured book. So, I put my notebook back into my pocket, cast another quick illusion, and brought up another book that told the same story.

After four times, the half-brother no longer knew what to believe.

Finally, he simply broke down, crying about how he had wasted his whole life believing in a story that had been completely untrue. With tears in his eyes, he thanked me for stopping him from doing something that he would have greatly regretted, and then embraced Litaeous like a brother, swearing never to do anything so foolish ever again.

“What a crummy ending,” Madein grumbled, kicking at the ground, looking rather disappointed.

Just as we were about to leave, my K’yu stone began to vibrate once again, except it had never vibrated so hard before. My brain quickly tried to figure out what it meant, but without any real idea what it could mean I simply said the first thing that came to my head.

“I don’t think it’s over,” I said, turning around to face the center of the chamber where Belandra stood, holding the potato-like thing-a-ma-bob.

“You fools! It is I who will summon the dark lord to destroy the kingdom!” she shouted, holding the frumpy object above her head.

“Really?” I asked, sighing. I guess I should have expected something like this, because it’s usually what happens whenever I narrate my own thoughts and spoil the ending to my adventures prematurely. These kind of unlikely twists tend to crop up whenever I do that, but at least it wasn’t going to be too much of a setback.

To summarize what happened afterwards, she summoned the dark lord, we fought it, Litaeous professed his love for Belandra, Madein ended up surviving because Litaeous’s half-brother ended up sacrificing himself to save us all, and Belandra surprised everyone by dealing the killing blow against the dark lord. It was all very exciting.

Afterwards, we headed back towards the city, only to run into several bands of goblins. Since everyone was terribly wounded from the last exciting battle (except for me, because I had stayed in the back during the fight. But, I had a few quick illusions cast on myself to make it look like I had suffered grievous wounds just so they wouldn’t think I hadn’t taken my share of the beating), we simply hid inside of my boulder illusions each time.

We made it back to the tavern where everything had started, and Litaeous thought that would be a good time to propose to Belandra. It was in fact a terrible time, because I wanted to get back to my study but we still hadn’t discussed exactly how much I was going to be paid.

While I was waiting for everyone to finish celebrating, Madein clapped me on the shoulder, his beard covered in beer foam and grinning like only a drunk dwarf can. Seeing an opportunity, I decided to discuss my pay with him, and after some quick negotiating I had a quarter of the castle’s treasure safely stored inside the pockets of my robe, though the dwarf also offered one of his daughters for a wife, which I had to decline on account of the irrefutable logic that all of his daughters likely had brows just as bushy as his.

YOU ARE MY HERO.

Then, just before I was about to leave, I realized that something was missing. I waited, and waited, until my K’yu stone finally began to vibrate. Litaeous was just finishing retelling the story of our adventure to the packed tavern, and his eyes were tearing up as he described his half-brother’s noble sacrifice. Quickly whipping out my notebook, I turned to the page where I had written the speech in case Madein had died. After a few quick edits, I committed the whole thing to memory and stepped forward, a tankard in my hand.

When I finished delivering my eulogy, the tavern was filled with weeping men and women, touched by a speech I had mostly plagiarized and filled with generic stock phrases. Litaeous thanked me for the kind words for his half-brother, while Belandra and Madein shook my hand in turn. The vibrations coming from my pocket began again, and I knew it was time to go.

With a quick nod, a smile, and a small spin, I teleported away with a flash of light.

And I landed in a swamp, likely miles away from my tower.

big fan of your scribed illustration of the wizard, the human and the (briefly described) elf.... but could you have done anything different with the dwarf?

that said, I eagerly await more of this story.

WIZARDS.

I love these guys.

>>18167752
its the penguin boots and spiders on the crotch pouch that get me

Glorious.

>>18167752
Looks like a sorcerer to me.

>>18167591
Great story OP,I thoroughly enjoyed it
Even managed to pull me away from SWQ while I read it.

I like it.

>>18167591
Well told, OP.

Fucking wizards.

Shit like this is why, whenever I wizard, I dump stat Wisdom.

This is really, really fucking funny.

somebody explain why

>Belandra stood, holding the potato-like thing-a-ma-bob.

>“You fools! It is I who will summon the dark lord to destroy the kingdom!” she shouted, holding the frumpy object above her head.

only thing i don't get

>>18168165
Because the wizard spoiled the narrative, and if it had ended then and there it would have been anticlimactic and unadventurous.

Fantastic Read.

Great lampooning and lampshading.

K'yu stone - would that be a "Q" stone, as in a "Quest Stone", telling him when/how to complete quests?

Four-wall aware wizards are the best wizards

10/10 would read more.

10 internet's to you

>>18168545
Or a "cue" stone, vibrating on cue whenever someth9ing interesting is supposed to happen.

Dem wizards, man, dem wizards...

>>18170684
Can someone archive or make this into a pic? This is awesome.

>>18170980
It's already in the suptg archive.

very nice story my fine fellow :)

More of genre-savvy wizard writefaggotry please

Bump.

This is my favorite type of wizard, the one that makes magic not seem like just another branch of science.

I've always had a bit of an issue with D&D and how wizards have this deliberate procedure to casting spells that isn't too dissimilar from concocting a formula. I guess it makes sense in the way that "wizards" of the past eventually became alchemists who eventually became chemists, but it ignores what separated wizards from chemists. It wasn't simply a difference in knowledge or technique, but the willingness to submit to mysticism, religion, and whim.

Wizards were wild.

>>18175660
The best mages are indistinguishable from scientists. The best magic is merely another component of the laws of physics of the world in which it appears.

>>18175751

The best magic is never 'merely'. The best magic turns everything you know on it's ear, stretching the fundamental paradigms of reality. The best magic is subtle in it's execution, but unbelievably profound in it's effect.

>>18175751
Then it's just physics, not magic.

Sufficiently advance technology should remain distinct from magic, even though to the common man they would be indistinguishable. That's what creates the subtle difference between fantasy and science fiction, where one enable the emotions and desires to play a part in the greatest forces of the universe, while the other relies on cold analysis and compounded information.

If you want magic to just be another science, just have another science and don't bother to call it magic.

>>18175810
>Then it's just physics, not magic.
Exactly. Any good (read: consistent) magic system is basically just the laws of physics of the setting.

If it's actually magic, then it is by its very nature not consistent and thus detrimental to setting & story.

>>18175751
But the best science is 'SCIENCE!' science.

>Captcha: cosmical Wacked

>>18175850
I prefer regular science.

>>18175826
Magic can be consistent even if it doesn't follow the rules of physics.

For example, name magic. The idea that obtaining something's "true name" gives you control of that thing. There's hundreds of rules that govern this kind of magic, even though it completely ignores and often defies natural laws, since the idea of something having a "true name" goes well beyond observable phenomena, and applying the magical "grammar" uses laws that are constrained by social biases.

Magic should have consistency, but forcing it to follow the logic of natural laws is what stops it from being magic.

>>18175826

By the way, I think this is pretty much an established law in Glorantha, as determined by the God Learners.

"Any sufficiently reliable magic is indistinguishable from science." And wizards do think of it as SCIENCE.

>>18175866
>Magic can be consistent even if it doesn't follow the rules of physics.
I said the laws of physics of the setting, not our laws of physics.

If magic is consistent then it is a part of the laws of physics of the setting in which it appears.

>>18175885
If by part you mean "The exception to every rule," then I guess I can agree.

But it's kind of like saying threatening the opposing player with a gun is a rule of Chess.

>>18175924
>If by part you mean "The exception to every rule," then I guess I can agree.
Then you're wrong.

I've already tried explaining a few times and it doesn't seem to have gotten through to you, so... guess that's that.

>>18175938
If gravity always makes masses attract, -except for when magic is involved-, it's hard to really say magic is fully incorporated into the physics of the world.

>>18175955
no, if in this world masses attract, except when magic is involved, then that will be the laws of physics in the universe and taught in schools

"All masses attract, relative to total mass and distance squared, assuming magic factor 0. see page 37 for non mf0 equations"

>>18175977
I like arcane science as much of the next guy, but if you insist that it is the only/right way to do magic, you're a faggot.

>>18175977
Actually, it would be mass (with a magic factor of zero) and distance (with a magic factor of zero) squared, with no magical factors present within the field or directly outside of it, as well as not within the perceived (and unperceived) frame of time.

Magic, even comparably reliable magic, is just so much of broad factor that it can be applied to every single step of every single equation to a degree that the result will be drastically (and even contradictorily) different.

Attempting to explain something as complex as teleportation (and I mean actual teleportation, and not something like the information transfer they call quantum teleportation) with physics under the inclusion of a magical factor is theoretically possible, but would require so many convoluted and contrary equations that the magical factors would essentially have to be considered a black box of information that corrupts the foundation of physics with its mere existence.

>>18176025
no, i'm just saying as a logical follow through that that is what all magic is if it is reliable. Now if magic has (true) randomness to it then it won't be advanced science, but if magic is always reliable then you cannot have it not be advanced science once held under scrutiny.

>>18176156
Magic relies on things like imagination to produce a result. Science works regardless (and often contrarily) to the imagined outcome.

Both are sufficiently reliable, but something as small as the notion of will or conceived idea enables them to be drastically different.

>>18176189
Then your magic is the kind with randomness, which I said can be not advanced science.

But requiring imagination is not what, for instance, D&D has, the magic in that being a pure rote memorization skill with no fluidity with results set in stone from the beginning of time (at least the Magic-User/Wizards magic is)

>>18176189

Depends on how magic works in the setting, of course.

However, even if magic relies on will and is an art rather than a craft... you still have psychology, literary criticism and other pseudosciences that could be used to study it.

>>18176204
Actually, in D&D not every fireball is the same. Even magic missile, one of the most basic of spells, has countless variations. Though the in-game mechanics remain the same, some wizards have magic missiles that look like flying fists, or beams of light, or metallic spheres.

There's incredible fluidity in D&D magic, as long as you don't upset the mechanics.

>>18176206
The study of magic can be considered a science, but I fear for the day when literary criticism is believed to be anything remotely as such.

>>18176288

And yet this will not stop unscrupulous individuals from applying the methods of art criticism to magic...

>>18176204
Imagination isn't (or at least, doesn't have to be) random.

It's sufficiently difficult to put into an equation, but if I ask one wizard to create a statue of a dragon from his imagination, he'd likely be able to produce the same dragon repeatedly.

Mein Gott, this story.

Someone needs to screencap this for future generations.

>>18176288

Why? Too much lateral thinking for your linear brain?

OP gets all my money, all the bitches and all the familiars forever.

>>18176619

No, wizard, you are the GMPC.

>>18177777
Cool style.

Found this on sup/tg/, had to come here and say... brilliant.

>Of course, thanks to my thorough academic instruction, I could read the dwarven runes that he had chiseled onto his armor, and discerned his name was "Madein Ironhall."

bump

>>18180523
oh lol, I didn't notice that before. Would have been funny if he'd said that as part of his eulogy

>>18180523
Oh god, I just noticed it. I was going "Is that some kind of shitty Iron Maiden refer... Oh. Duh."