Not really.

When has /tg/ backed down from a Storytime?

Give us your best, cap'n!

So long as the tale is epic and the grog is good, I'll listen.

Very well!

It was near eight years ago, a mere six days before the Festivals of Solace Encarmine were set to begin, and a local lord commissioned me to acquire a rare beast known as a melthrax for him. The melthrax is a highly toxic life form, but if prepared correctly eating it induces a euphoric state beyond even the finest obscura and with none of the after-effects. The price was set at one hundred fifty buxom wenches to serve as my personal wine pourers (my old ones had been lost to a tragic Dark Eldar raid, I am sad to say, and the servitors made from their remains just weren't the same), and we had an accord.

Now the melthrax thrives only on the Death World Burnscour, and while the poaching trade thrived on the world the melthrax is still a difficult quarry. During the rainy season, when you cannot step anywhere without being knee-deep in highly corrosive acid, they climb to the tops of the Wookolar trees through tunnels dug in their massive trunks. Every Wookolar tree is an endless honeycomb of these tunnels, wide enough for combat servitors to walk three abreast and high enough to drive a hover-bus through, and many a foolhardy man has ventured into those horrid labyrinths and never returned.

To me, it sounded a merry jaunt.

>>18205793
We made a short, uneventful Warp-jump to Burnscour and anchored in orbit ahead of schedule, 132 hours before the lord's feast was to begin. At the recommendation of my Arch-Militant, Kaylana Slear, we spent a full 24 hours preparing for the expedition. We plotted a drop-ship course that would place us near the top of the largest Wookolar tree our scanners picked up, where a large population of melthrax were sure to reside. Normally I would merely send some of the crew to deal with the trivial task of taking a simple beast, but the melthrax is a highly unstable creature.

If killed, it explodes in a shower of gore and toxin, rendering it completely inedible. A clumsy crewman could destroy the beast and make us late.

Because of this, I felt it best that I myself should the mission to capture the melthrax. My team included Kaylana, one of our Explorators (who designated itself 101101), and six of my finest combat servitors for fire support if the strange beasts in the tree overwhelmed us, and of course to haul the cage we brought to contain the melthrax.

Our descent went smoothly, and the twin heavy stubbers on the drop ship easily punched a hole in the side of the Wookolar tree. We set our feet upon the pulpy, sticky tunnel floor at 103 hours to the lord's feast.

>>18205809
The interior of the tree was strange, but not entirely unpleasant. A sweet smell filled the air, and 101101 analyzed the walls of the tunnel and found they were dripping sap (which explained the stickiness of the floor) that, while toxic as anything else on the planet closer to the jungle floor, was perfectly safe and edible here at the top of the tree. It tasted wonderful, and I made a mental note to return to the world later to acquire more of the stuff when we had the time.

The first three hours of our expedition were uneventful. A few spikey critters scurried about across the ceiling of the tunnel, but they were frightened by our lights and left us in peace. Then, we reached a large cavern gnawed out in the heartwood tree. And there we saw our quarry.

The melthrax looks not entirely dissimilar to an old-Terran anthropod called the "millipede." Three meters long and one high, it is essentially a thick-carapaced, hundred-legged worm with an umber shell and bright red mandibles capable of biting a man in half. Before us, crawling around the cavern and contedly munching on the inner pulp of the Wookolar tree, were more than five hundred of the creatures.

>>18205824
Capturing one proved surprisingly simple. We set up our cage in the middle of the tunnel, then had a servitors roll out and poke one of the beasts. The servitor lost that hand, and sadly the finely crafted heavy flamer grafted to it, but managed to fool the creature into chasing it. Then the servitor ran into the cage through one end and out the other side, and once the melthrax was within the cage we snapped both ends closed.

The beast raged and did its best to bite through the bars, but I had commissioned the cage during a failed experiment to breed Squigs and knew it could withstand the jaws of near any creature known to man. We chained the cage up to the injured servitor, and began our trek back out of the tree. An hour later, two from the opening we'd blasted, we sent out the message requesting pick-up and a fine bottle of amasec be prepared for us.

Then, at 98 hours to our deadline, 101101's ancient auspex implants - gifted to him by the Grand Magos of Hephaestean VII for heroic services rendered - picked up faint vibrations behind us.

>>18205834
Worried that the melthrax had somehow communicated its distress to its fellows, we sent 101101 and the servitor dragging the cage ahead of us. Kaylana, the five remaining servitors, and I moved slower, keeping our eyes and lights pointing behind us for any sight of more melthrax or other beasts. Each of the heavy combat servitors were armed with heavy flamers, and each also had a variety of missile launchers, bolters, plasma guns, and one meltagun. I felt more than confident of our chances if even a thousand of the beasts came at us.

That was when we heard it. A strange, faint, rhythmic *schlucking* sound that reminded me of some of the more pleasant encounters I'd had with xenos in the past. It was difficult to determine the source or distance of the sound, so we kept backing away with weapons trained down the tunnel. The sound set our nerves on edge, and know it's impossible but I swear I saw a faint, blurry haze moving across the ceiling of the dim tunnel.

We kept moving slowly for the next three hours, and received word from 101101 that the melthrax was safely stowed upon the drop ship and they were ready, not two hundred meters away, to pick us up. Then, with terrifying certainty, we heard the schlucking sound pass directly *over* us, and there was a thud as something landed on the floor of the tunnel behind us, between us and our waiting drop ship. We turned and gazed up as the creature's body changed color and revealed the hidden monster.

>>18205846
And there it was! Standing ten meters tall, looming over us with wiggling feeder tendrils and jaged, chitenous claws, a mantid terror sent from beyond the edge of the galaxy to slaughter men and beast alike! The Burnscour Lictor!

Its claws lashed out, ripping three of the servitors in twain before I could shout the command to fire. It shrugged off the heavy fire from the other two and shot its flesh hooks into them, pulling them close to be crushed in its powerful arms.

I and Kaylana backed away slowly, drawing our power sabres and plasma pistols but having little hope at our chances. I had seen Lictors in the past, killed one or two as well, but this beast was easily twice the size of any I had ever seen before.

It hunched down and stomped down the tunnel, forcing us to back away, its cloven chitenous hooves piercing into the floor and making the schlucking sound we'd been listening to for hours. I turned my head to Kaylana and whispered, "Farewell, old friend," and readied myself to die.

But the attack did not come. The beast merely stood there, glaring at us with its beady, yellow eyes. Finally I could take no more and shouted at it, "DAMN YOU, thrice-cursed monster, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?!"

And it leaned forward, til its face was mere centimeters away, and its tentacled mouth opened and it said, "I need about tree-fiddy."

Whats that? Whos there?

Oshi-

>>18205850
Three and a half Thrones. The arrogance. The indignity of asking ME, the great Rogue Trader Mathias Fellburn, to hand out my hard-earned money as charity to this crude beast! ME, the great Rogue Trader Mathias Fellburn, who had charted paths far beyond Imperial space, fought off Orks and Eldar and xenos more horrible still! The sheer outrage of it all brought the color to my cheeks and I shouted back, "DAMN YOU, monster! I shall not give you three and a half Thrones! Get away from us!"

"Well how about just two-fiddy?"

"OH! So now it's 'TWO-fiddy?' Was there a sudden discount on Lictor Snacks and my Seneschal did not properly inform me so that I might corner the market and make a profit? DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL?!"

>>18205854
I gave it a Throne.

>>18205861
SHE gives it a Throne!

>>18205867
I thought it might go away if I gave it a Throne!

>>18205875
WELL OF COURSE it's not going to go away if you give it a Throne, if you give it one Throne of course it's going to ASSUME you have more!

In a huff I pushed past the creature and stomped down the tunnel, Kaylana rushing to catch up, but the creature kept following! Its incessent begging and wheedling filled me with rage but I simply kept walking til we reached the entrance to the tunnel, boarded our drop ship, and flew away.

And as we did I looked back. And there I saw the Burnscour Lictor, gripping the mouth of the tunnel and crying after us, "WHAT ABOUT A BUCK TWO-FIVE?!"

And that was the first time I met the Burnscour Lictor.

>>18205881

... what did I just read?

Was enjoying it until it went weird. Oh well, better luck for storytime next thread.

Well played, well played

>>18205900
It's a parody of the loch ness monster stories from an early south park episode.

>>18205867
DAMN, Bloody woman! The temerity!

>>18205875
Filthy whore, be silent, or I shall subject you to the treatment of a combat servitor fitted with a spiked Demiurg gauss dildo!

Well played, OP. But you could've easily stopped it right at
>>18205850

But nice. A good chuckle was had indeed!

>>18205923
Oh, believe me, it gets worse. For you see, it was not more than three years later that we encountered the Burnscour Lictor once more!

We were making a run along the Belliard Route to Cairnswolle IV. We had heard tales of a rival Rogue Trader in that area dealing in obscure, dangerous, and above all valuable xenos artifacts.

We aligned with the Trader in orbit around the planet and asked permission to come aboard to discuss trade, which he granted. It was at this time we met Wellhelm Randleheart, Rogue Trader.

A slim, eager-eyed, silver-tongued man with a sharp nose and thinning hair, Wellhelm looked more like a doddering old Seneschal than a Rogue Trader, but I had seen stranger in my days. I stated my desire to peruse and, perhaps, purchase some of his xeno artifacts. He led me to his private gallery and there lay before me wonders I could scarcely imagine. A medicae implant that released nanites to repair any physical damage, a gun that shot strange warp-holes that led to dark dimensions, an odd puzzle-box that, when completed, switched our minds so that for a moment I saw through Wellhelm's eyes. And that was only the beginning.

"Truly, Randleheart, you have lived a life of unimaginable adventure to acquire so many wondrous devices! Please, what would you ask of me that I might have one of these devices?"

And he looked at me. And he said, "I need about tree-fiddy."

Tree. Fiddy....

>>18205983
Well, it was about this time I grew suspicious! And that's when I noticed that Wellhelm Randleheart wasn't a slim, eager-eyed man, but was in fact a three-storey tall chitenous mantid-assassin from beyond the edge of the galaxy, sent to slaughter men and beasts alike!

The Burnscour Lictor!

"DAMN YOU, monster, damn your trecherous soul! You shall not have three and a half Thrones from me this day!"

And all the way back to my docking craft it stalked behind me, begging and pleading me for some money. I left his ship behind, and just to be sure we melta torpedoed the vessel, reducing it to ash and glowing scrap.

And that was the second time I met the Burnscour Lictor.

But it would not be the last...

I love these sorts of threads.

>>18206040
Shut up you fucking retard.

>>18206000
Now I am sad to say it, but there came a time when my dynasty was not at its best. A few seemingly simple endeavors had ended in tragedy, and profits had dropped to the point that I could only afford to have twelve slave-girls available at all times to wipe my nethers after a bowel movement.

I am ashamed to admit it, but it was so.

Desperate for a way to raise profits before I was forced to fire one of my toenail clippers (the shame, SHAME, of not having a different man to maintain each toe!), I met with a ranking member of the Echlessiarchy to discuss a venture that would prove quite profitable. A small system had recently been taken from Chaos, and now that it had been purified and blessed the church wished the worlds to be colonized once more by pious Imperial citizens.

Our payment for merely shuttling the Imperial citizens and their pre-made habs there, and keeping watch over them for two weeks to insure no sudden enemy attacks decimated them, would be seven hundred million Thrones. My toe-nails would be assured the treatment they deserved.

I accepted their offer, and received half of the payment and half a million Imperial citizens up front.

The trip to the world they were meant to inhabit went smoothly, though a strange ripple in our Gellar field made all our hair turn chartreuse for a few moments, but one of the Missionaries sent along with us assured us green hair was not TOO heretical and that we should not be too concerned.

>>18206076
>not OP

>>18206194
We ferried the colonists to the planet, and I have to say for a place recently inhabited by Chaos it didn't look half bad. The colonists set up their pre-fabricated homes swiftly, a church was built, and many thanks were given to the Emperor and to me. But, then, just as our two weeks were up, we received reports from the planet's surface that some of the citizens were rioting. We assembled a kill-team and I personally led them planet-side.

Once there, we encountered a mass of citizens, it looked like all five hundred thousand we'd brought with us. They were all assembled there, waiting for us, but looking rather peaceful.

I approached one of the Missionaries and asked what the problems were.

"We are running low on supplies, and the people panicked! Thankfully, we got them back under control, but if we don't get them what they need they could riot again! And, of course, if that happened you would not receive the second half of your fee."

"Well, what do they need, man? Tell me!"

And the Missionary leaned over and looked at me, and he said, "I need about tree-fiddy."

Tree... Fiddy....

>>18206232
Well it was about that time I got suspicious, and that's when I noticed the half a million Imperial colonists and missionaries were actually a three-storey tall mantis-assassin sent from beyond the edge of the galaxy to slaughter men and beasts alike!

The Burnscour Lictor!

"EMPEROR DAMN YOU, monster! Three weeks, THREE WEEKS you have had me and my crew tending this world just to ask us for three and a half cursed Thrones?!"

I returned to my drop ship with the kill-servitors, and once we reached orbit I made sure to launch our full load of virus bombs to the planet's surface. We made our jump and lied to the Echlessiarchy, taking the other half of our payment and running, assured that was the last we would see of that wretched beast.

And that was the third time I me the Burnscour Lictor.

But it would not be the last...

>>18206232
The NERVE!
please captain continue! did you slay the foul needy colonists?

>>18206271
Over the next hundred years, with the Echlessiarchal money fueling a few highly successful ventures, my dynasty was returned to and beyond its former glory. At the age of three hundred and fifty-seven, in a fit of wanderlust, I decided to lead my small fleet on a journey far beyond the edge of Imperial space, into land long held by strange and powerful xenos species.

For ten years our lives were composed of frantic attack, retreat, feint, withdrawel, war, destruction, and glorious, glorious victory. World after world fell before me, and using our ship lances I burned the name Mathias Fellburg into the very living rock of every planet we conquered.

At the depths of some unknown system with a dying sun, the auspex scanners of my flagship, the Wayward Son, picked up strange, powerful, and above all HUMAN signals coming from a moon circling a yellow gas giant.

Human signals that matched ancient, Imperial distress signals from before the Horus Heresy...

>>18206368
101101 scoured our database but there were no records of any human colonies ever being founded this far from the edge of modern Imperial space. Indeed, the entire system was not shown on any star chart, Imperial or Xeno, in our possession.

Smelling profit, I ordered a full scan of every inch of the planet, and then we found it. An ancient ship. A massive dreadnaught from the Golden Age of technology.

A ship bearing the symbol of the Adeptus Custodes.

We launched a thousand drop ships bearing every able-bodied worker and scientist in my crew, and within thirty days we had fully exposed the ancient, crashed ship's hull. The make and markings of the ship were nowhere in our records, and inside we found strange, unimaginable things. Technology that looked like a fusion of human and Eldar work, and thousands of tomes, preserved on the airless surface of the moon for more than ten thousand years, told us the story of a secret project the Emperor was working on to make Warp travel safe for mankind.

We had found a copy of the research notes for the Golden Throne.

>>18206425
It took us twenty more days to comb over the ship, stripping every working component from it and adding it to the Wayward Son. The weapon systems alone were worth more than every ship I had put together.

We also moved the strange faux-Webway gates and all the research material to our ship, and in time set a course for Holy Terra itself, our Astropaths blaring news of our coming to any who could listen.

We exited the Warp a respectful distance from the edge of the system. Negotions and explanations of our presence and purpose took two years, but finally through a joint effort of Mars, Terra, and Titan it was established that we indeed had in our possession ancient technology developed by the Emperor himself, likely a relay system for the Golden Throne to be set up on the edge of the galaxy. The records we'd found were complete, though, and using them the Mechanicus felt certain they could repair the throne and, yes, revive the Emperor himself.

It took twenty years.

>>18206472
Finally, the hallowed day came, and the Emperor's flesh regenerated itself, the horrid blows Horus dealt Him sealed shut, and the Emperor lived once more. He was restored to His former glory, and across the galaxy xenos, heretics, and daemons alike trembled as His psychic emanations once again pervaded the Warp at full power.

The wars were swift, and the celebrations long. Within thirty years the Imperium of man was restored to its size and power before the Heresy.

And then the Emperor asked for us by name. He wished to meet with the Rogue Trader who had restored Him to life.

A parade stretching all the way around Terra preceded us and we were escorted to the Emperor's Palace flanked by members of the Adeptus Custodes themselves. We were, of course, asked to relinquish our weapons, but I felt that a small price to pay.

And then, finally, we were ushered before the Emperor himself. He gleamed like the heart of a supernova, his radiance blinding to us, but still we approached. We knelt before Him, and He bid us rise.

"Trader! Mathias Fellburg! You have done an incalculable service to Humanity! Name your reward, and I will grant it!"

Before the glory of the Emperor, the greed that is a Rogue Trader's life blood fled me and I felt only subservience.

"I ask nothing, Emperor, only that I might serve you."

The Emperor nodded, and said, "As you mention it, Fellburg, there is something I need."

"Ask it."

And he leaned over to me, looked me in the eye, and he said, "I need about tree fiddy."

Tree... fiddy...

>>18206543
Well it was about this time I grew suspicious. And that's when I noticed, to my horror and anger, that the golden gleaming God-Emperor before me was actually a three-storey tall mantid-assassin from beyond the edge of the galaxy, sent to slaughter men and beasts alike!

The Burnscour Lictor!

"Emperor damn it, I have told you over and over, monster! YOU SHALL NOT HAVE THREE AND A HALF THRONES FROM ME."

With that I stalked out of the throne room, through the Eternity Gate, out of the capitol, and back to my drop ship. And all along the way, there was that damned Burnscour Lictor, hounding my steps and begging, pleading, for his precious tree-fiddy. It followed me onto our ship even, I could not get rid of it.

Once I docked on the Wayward Son, with the Burnscour Lictor still haggling with me, I ordered our Navigator to chart a course for the heart of Sol. As we pierced the corona and our void shields melted, just before an all-consumming plasma fire extinguished my life, I heard it say, "I'll pay it back with interest!" and realized my mistake as I died.

And that was the last time I saw the Burnscour Lictor.

>>18206611
Deymn monsta dont know when to lay off...

So... so, the empra is not back?

Bawwww

>dat story

>requesting stories of other 40k characters encountering the Burnscour LIctor

Just finished reading all this. Well played OP, well played.

Archive this
BY THE FOUR DIVINE LORDS OF CHAOS, ARCHIVE THIS NOW!

>"I'll pay it back with interest!"
Should have given him the money.

>>18207254
A lesson learned far too late, sadly.

Hope this is right, first time I've done it.

>>18207645
Awesome sauce. That's two moderately successful storytimes from me in one weekend.