Hey, hey guys!Attention Fellow Heretics!I, your glorious leader, have a NEW PLAN!A plan which will bring eternal blessings upon us from the Great and Powerful Slaanesh! Indeed the Prince of Pleasure will be most excellently pleased!Ok, so, follow me on this one, right?So, Slaanesh, our Dark Lord and Master, is all about the feels, ya'know? Like, the more intense the feeling, the better. Pain, Joy, Lust, Greed, Hate, like.... whatever. It's the feel and the intensity that counts.
Now think about this. You know how like, sometimes you're having a really awesome day? Like, you've just smote a bunch of corpse worshiping fools, corrupted some Sororitas, and then rolled around on your new couch made of baby skin. Great Day. Right, so that's great and all, but then something bad happens. Like... I don't know, the Space Marines, (the dickish ones, not the cool ones with the spikes and horns and shit), show up and kick you so hard in the nuts that you can't even remember what they look like anymore.Sucks, right? Totally, cause nothing FEELS worse than having a really shitty time right after you've been having a good time.Keep with me now, it's gonna get complex here.
So, now, what's the greatest thing ever? Worshiping Slaanesh, right? I mean, the other three are nice and all, but we know who's really got it going, am I right?And what's the worst thing ever?That's right, worshiping that stupid stinking chair-bound sack of flesh. I get queasy just thinking about it.Do you see what I'm getting at here?
Now, you remember that planet we liberated last week from the Imperium? Like, Goltrex Prime or something, right?What if... what if, for the sake of showing Slaanesh like, the biggest feels ever, we... bear with me here, we go back and... hold on... go back and... re-enslave them to the corpse god?It'd be the WORST DAY EVER! Slaaneshi as fuck, amirite?They'd be all like, "man, sure is great being an awesomely cool heretic and chaos worshiper. I've never felt better!"And then they'd be all like, "Wow! This worshiping the emperor thing is really lame and shit, I'm so miserable!" It'd be feel-tastic!Now come on, lets go do the Emperor's work, FOR CHAOS!
That sounds like a pretty good plan.Maybe a bit too good.How can I be sure you're not a Tzeentchite infiltrator?
Sure, we might as well give it a try.*clears throat*FOR DA EMPRAH!!............Hey, this shit works, I feel terrible.
>>19126769... You're the single worst Alpha Legion operative ever.And that's why you'll be leading the campaign on Kronus.
>>19126802This sentence explain the Dawn of War series.All of it.
>>19126780Frankly Tom, that hurts. It hurts me that you would say that. How many times have we done SuperCocain off the ass of a nun together?I thought we were in this together?And now you accuse me of that?All I wanted to do was forever more ensure an entire planets miserable subservience to the might of the hated Imperium.... how could you doubt my loyalty?
>>19126798I know, right?This is totally our best plan yet.
>>19126824Well, Alice, I suppose we just have our theological differences.I prefer to look on Slaanesh as a lord of positive feelings, as clearly, if there is a god of shitty feelings, it's the corpse-god on Terra.Whereas clearly, you seem to look upon our lord and master as a lord of all feelings rather than only the positive ones.I suppose it was wrong of me to accuse you of such, and I apologize.Please, follow me back to my land raider and enjoy the rave party/orgy/heroin-and-child-soul filled bath tub taking place there.
>>19126868Child souls, you say? Oh you're sweet. You know how I love the feel of the damned souls of the innocent.But really, I think this is gonna work. And just think how happy the Big S is gonna be if it does! He/She is probably gonna make it rain prostitutes for a month. It'll be awesome.
>>19126914Oh okay, I'll give it a try for your sake.Here goes... *Ahem*FOR THE EMPEROR!Well, that felt... That felt pretty nice, I'll try again.FOR THE EMPEROR!I could get used to this.Maybe I should go back to, um...
>>19126824Is that a collar or a tentacle?
>>19126939I told you it'd work.Once it gets going we're gonna have intense forced prayer sessions, and a complete orgy of love and tolerance, and then the drug rehab clinics.. Man, this is going to be the best worst day ever!
>>19126978Probably both.
What is this Heresay? We can't let these heretics get away with this! Time to reconquer Goltrex Prime for Slaneesh, for the Empereror!
>>19126981Look, Alice, I...I uh, I feel kinda...PURGE THE HERE-I feel kinda strange, could you get me the coca-KILL THE ENEMIES OF THE EMPEROR!LET NONE SURVIVE OUR RIGHTEOUS CLEANSING!TO ME, BROTHERS!
>>19126939NO! That's blessed Slaanesh reinforcing your good feelings toward the project, not the filthy Corpse God making you feel good.
>>19127004Now you're getting into it. Here, let me get into my new outfit.This is gonna make all the heretical worshipin' of the Almighty God Emperor even easier. We are the best cultists in history. For Serious.
>>19126715>>19126725>>19126748>>19126769Are you kidding me? A two-year old could come up with a better plan then that.Seriously. Who the hell takes the time to be this mind-blowingly stupid?
>>19127037I don't know.I'm kind of sad about all this, because it reminds me of my one true regret.That I can never be an Ultramarine.
>>19127042And who are you to pick apart such an awesome plan? You some kind of corpse worshiper? Which would make you a heretical heretic.Or a double loyalist.Either way you don't properly understand the glorious brilliance of venerating Chaos by serving the Emperor with boundless vigor.
>>19127058It's a pain we all must bear.I mean, not me of course, but most people.
>>19127083God damn it, Mark, you just had to flaunt that armour around, right?Now you made me all teary-eyed, you big jerk.I'm going to go and try to rape a techpriest now, maybe that'll cheer me up.
>>19127098Look, don't hate just cause you jelly.And leave the mech-bitch alone. She's still got dents from the last time.
>>19127186Fuck you Mark, I rape whoever I damn well want and your shiny, handsome...Manly...Oh so sexy blue armour has nothing to do with it, even though you do look very...Breathtaking in that.Would you mind if I, ahem, touched it?
>>19127213Y-you want to touch it? Uh...Uh, sure, o-ok. Just don't mess up the polish...Not that I got it shiny for you or anything... I just... want it to look nice.
>>19127346>>19127213>>19127186>>19127098>>19127083What in the name of the God Emperor is going on in here?
>>19127346Ooh, Onii-chan, your power armour is so shiny, and...Smooth.You just sit right there while Tom-kun polishes it for you.
>>19127362
>>19127362Nothing at all in the God Emperors name, only the darkest heresies for Slaanesh!Hey, wait, I'm a heretic! Could you get rid of me commisionar sir? We can't have heretics like me making our Imperium worlds worship Slaanesh again because then how would they serve Slaanesh?
>>19127399Um... if you're going to do that...would- would you mind if...If I called you my Spiritual Liege?
>>19127472Anything for Onii-chan <3Oh, Onii-chan, powersword is so huge, how can it all fit?
>>19127459Thats He-...I... Um...Wut?
...The sheer amount of wtf in this thread.Don't know if purge.
dont purgeget me a tzeentchieis there somewhere in the warp a place for WTFwin threads?
>>19127500By the might of the Emperor, all things are possible.
>>19127186>>19127346>>19127472I lol'd, those fucking pictures
>>19127558Apparently, by being the cultists have found a way to make being non-heretical heretical.I fear the only way to counter this might be by being so heretical, we become loyal again, thereby reversing their reversal!
The only conclusion to this train of events is Heresy. Heresy everywhere. Such a convoluted and asinine plot to replicate the worship of the God-Emperor can only be the work of Tzeentchian puppet, posing as a pure and whorish Slaaneshi servant.
Only by loyal worship of the Emperor can we truly please Slaanesh!FOR THE EMPEROR! FOR CHAOS!
>>19127663when girls make this face it makes me want to put it in their pooper...i don't know why.
Won't this whole thing just end up in a paradoxical state of double-worship wherein everybody is doing everything heretically for the God Emperor and sanctifying Slaanesh, causing a weird unconscious tumbling in the nature of reality?...Sorry, guys, I'm being a downer. Anyone want a hug?
>>19127636OhOh Onii-chan, my chainsword is moving on its own.
>>19127707Oh no, don't you drag me into this. This plan is retarded even by my standards.
>>19127663...You're the second worst Alpha Legion operative ever.You get the invasion of Kaurava.
>>19127723Then it's working. By being a sanctified agent of the Imperium, and causing such feelings, she's already being pretty Slaaneshi. At this rate, we'll be back to being loyal in no time!We'll show those filthy heretics yet!
>>19127750O-o-oh my Spiritual Liege!Ultramarines ADVANCE!
>>19127751*snorts cocaine*You say that now, but...how can we trust your Tzeentchian double-speak? "Retarted even by my standards" implies that your standards are different from the rest of us. Therefore, it is possible that your "retarded" is considered "adequate" for dealing with us in the simplest manner. "Even" implies that this plan is of a seriously high level of retardation, such that it is incredibly adequate, perhaps even approaching the level of "brilliant." I submit to you, sir/mam/thing in a box, that this is quite likely simply one of your ever-more complex schemes to spread heresy throughout the galaxy.
>>19127800Oh Dorn, you're the best!I mean...I mean Onii-chan is the best, of course.
>>19127807Wait, or you a loyalist trying to reveal a heretic, a heretic trying to protect your name as a Slaaneshi heretic or a Tzeentchian heretic trying to disprove the Tzeentchianness of another heritic through reasoned debate?...I'm confused.
>>19127807Look who's talking. That idea was so convoluted and double-thinking that it almost didn't not make sense. It was downright worthy of me.No, it's not my plan, but if this is what it does to people, I'm starting to wish it was.Speaking of which, you seem pretty bright. Why not ditch the Fag Prince, and join a real winning team? Unless of course you're already on my team.... Or are you?
A glorious idea my good friend.This plan seems like it will work.
>>19127745Wouldn't this eventually result in a horrifically corrupted god-Emperor and the purification of Slaanesh?Oh god, everyone, cancel the plot! We're going to make Slaanesh a holy fixture! And probably doom humanity to corruption, but not before tentacle rape becomes an acceptable way to guide someone through the warp.
>>19127745>>19127870Nope, Malice already has the Big E's backing.Biggest dicking of chaos is to support the guy killing you.
>>19127848W-what? Dorn? What the hell Tom!What the hell. Don't make this all gay!We were all having a good time peasfully and chastely admiring my armor before you dragged that kind of shit into it.Seriously, what the hell?
>>19127915I'm sorry, Mark, but...It's Dorn!I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or anything, but I just, I don't think you could live up to Dorn.I mean, if only you'd been there...
I am so confused...
>>19127981That-! I can't believe-! After everything-! AAAugh! ....*Sigh*...I-I guess it's ok. I mean... it's all pretend, right?So... do you want to polish my... er, Dorn's armor some more?
By the Emperor...
>>19127861>>19127858Hohohoho, see what I mean? Now the Chaos has been doubled and confusion has been sown. The ranks of our Slaaneshi brethren grow thin and talk of "feels" has fallen short as Tzeentch's influence is revealed in all its glory. Just as planned? I would think so from this evidence. The Prince of Desire versus the Prince of Lies! Who's goals will be met by this worship of the God-Emperor!? For surely, it makes me feel so many strange and wondrous feelings, yet doubt remains in my heart as to the originator of such a cunning idea.
>>19128024What is this...I don't...Is this even pleasure anymore!?I'm gonna do a mountain of Cocaine! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
>>19128056DID SOMEBODY SAY COCAINE!?COKE FOR THE GOD-EMPEROR! COKE FOR THE GOLDEN THRONE!?
>>19128035Quickly! Worship faster! We can't let those Slaaneshi freaks win. This victory for chaos will be won by the followers of the true Master of Plots!
>>19128024At last, my plan comes to fruition!For I am not, nor have I ever been, Tom.I am Kevin, Sorcerer of the thousand sons and the destroyer of you self-esteem, foolish ultramarine!Tzeentch be praised!
>>19128070I for one welcome our new Slaaneshi overlords.In the name of the God-Emperor, touch me! Feel me! And let me feel for the Dark prince!
Wow... this plan worked out even better than I had hoped.
>>19128097NOOOOOOO!Damn you foul Sorcerer Kevin!Now I'll never be able to tell Tom how I feel!
Yes praise The Emperor! YES!!!!
>>19128161That's what you get for stealing my girlfriend in the 6th grade.You thought I'd never forget, but I planned.Oh how I planned.I plotted and schemed, and finally Tzeentch saw fit to grace me with this most glorious of victories!I guess what I'm trying to say is...In your face, Mark.Fuck you, your straight A grades and your quarterback physique.
This might have been the greatest plan ever. And I don't even know who's it was anymore.
How will you Slaaneshi fooools prove your faith to the Emperor? Can any of your lewdness be used to teach slaves the faith of the Golden Throne? I think not! Only the machinations of Tzeentch could spread his word amongst the useless masses! Look here, upon this Imperial testament and see me found a great flock in the Emperor's name!
>>19128100Indeed it did. I knew the foul followers of Chaos would be unable to deflect the power of reasoned arguments used by a knowledgeable soul. And now that we have drawn in Tzeentch, the two factions will fight one another for dominance, thus negating their heresy entirely, and perhaps even leading to the establishment of true Imperial faith.Such is the power of the Emperor's Inquisition.
>>19128265Simple.Free blowjobs with every worship service.Purity Seals are now sold with two ounces of pure SuperCrack.We're gonna get people addicted to Faith!
>>19128294...maybe I should start doing miniatures...
I wonder what Eldar sex feels like.
>>19128294Certainly didn't except that one coming
Let's say we provide the cultists of Slaanesh with a 21st century 'optical buzzkill', shall we?
>>19128337Nobody ever expects the Inquisition.
>>19128337You should always expect that one coming, even when you're not.The eyes of the Inquisition are everywhere. Watching you, as you eat, worship, sleep, fuck, plot, collect skulls, buy rotisserie ovens, even pick your nose. Always.
>>19128369uh...always?
lol watch the prey fight amongst itself and ignore us....soon they shall all be us.
>>19128399yes.
>>19128399ESPECIALLY then.
Um... Yeah. Hello.So a couple of Emperor's Children raided our temple yesterday, and captured the ones they didn't kill. Thankfully, someone brought out the cocaine before the rape-fest started.So when I woke up this morning, my armor had been repaired, shined, and returned to me. The other sisters said the same thing.The chaos mar--I just saw a chaos marine giving a piggyback ride to a sister. What in the emperor's name is going on?
>>19128399ALWAYS
>>19128414>penis cannon
>>19128338As a long time Slaaneshi worshiper, my nipple boners request more.
>>19128446u jelly bro?
>>19128443WANNA BE WITH YOU
>>19128442EMPEROR DAMMIT NOW THERE'S ONE IN MORNING PRAYERS.WHAT THE FUCK.
>>19128467AND MAKE BELIEVE WITH YOU!
>>19128442I have no idea. I really don't. Something has gone horribly horribly wrong. A daemonette knocked on my door this morning and gave me a bunch on ecclesiastical pamphlets and invited me to church. Two hours later, a sororita broke into my house and raped my dog...What the fuck?
>>19128496AND LIVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY...
>>19128520OOOH LOVE!
>>19128542It's okay, I should not have expected you to get that one. I'm sorry.
...I'm beginning to suspect this is chaos undivided's plan.Feels for pleasure-boy, plans for bird-man, friendship for Papa rot, arguments for Khorne...
>>19128509A sororita raped your-- No. I give up. I'm going to look for some Khorne lunatics, Their always up for a flamer-fight.
All we need is an eversor and the madness is complete.
Dear gods I hope someone archives this thread.>bnsucrit camelsVery interesting, Captcha
So...let me get this straight.The heretics are going loyal, which would make them heretical loyalists who are heretical by being loyal.And the loyalists are going heretic, so that they can be loyal by becoming heretical enough to be non-heretical thereby becoming heretically loyal.And this is all part of Slaanesh's plan which is part of Tzeench's plan which is part of the Inquisition's plan which is part of a plan for all of Chaos Undivided.Oh dear... I seem to have gone all cross-eyed.
>>19128993
This fucking thread...This is now the plot for my next Black Crusade campaign, and my next Dark Heresy one.Hell, this is now the plot for all my games.
>>19128993You forgot the still-sane people going off to fight Khorne cultists.
>>19129158I demand the source of that image.
>>19129424And all the xenos going, dafuq?
Boss thes humies jus ain't riot.
What is this Heresy?
>>19129446I recognize it as the guy that makes the Commissar Fuklaw fanart on Deviantart.Half of his artistry is absolutely awesome;the other half seems indicative of him being a homosexual.
>>19129587Oh, no heresy here good sir! Just a Radical Xanthite Inquisitor manipulating Chaos to his own ends!
>>19129446/tg/Back when we still had drawfags. Before Rubyquest, but after Faulty Kai.
All right I'm genuinely confused, am I supposed to be for the emperor or for chaos? You know what fuck this shit I joining the Greater Good.
>>19129704So was this a tau plan all along, wheres TIDF when you need him?
>>19128265HELLS YEAH! Orgies for the golden thro... I think we might have some problem with this guys.
>>19129849Don't worry about it. Just have some of this lovely crack and think loyal thoughts.
>>19129718Fapping to his Tau porn, no doubt.
So who is the master mind, is it chaos, impperium, tau, hell no it's mother fucking Eldar!
>>19130135
>>19130135Eldrad would be dickish enough to think this up.
>>19130160We have no idea, apparently.
>>19130135Can't be the Tau, probably the Eldar. They keep pulling this kind of shit.
I.......what?Just. Just what?
>>19129446http://eiichiro.deviantart.com/art/Commissars-111750840
So if we followers of Slaanesh go back to the corpse god to harvest the emotional suckege for our god is the basic plan right? So then do we have to stop our space-coke fueled orgies cause I am not okay with that. And besides correct me if I wrong but doesn't the Imperium just purge all cultists so... damn I am so confused... Also what about the demons do we purge them cause of corpse god or do we have them convert?
>>19130739You have to in order to maximize the suck quotient, to receive the the largest downer coefficient as possible.
>>19130798Seriously this is Suckology 101, you all should know this by know if you were true followers of Slaanesh.
>>19130739As for demons, why not both. Convert the demonettes and purge everything else.
>>19127870>implying this would be a bad thingSisters of Slaanesh! Purify these fools!
>>19130823>converted DaemonettesI am now imagining Daemonettes chained up, branded with aquillas and other imperial icons, mindraped into the imperial mindset, or does simply being put on a daemon automaticly desecrat the symbol?
>>19131315You know I think that might be the only way a Slaanesh would use what with the bondage, torture and all
>>19131315In Eisenhorn you could bend demons to your will by using such tools but I would personally recommend never reusing the seals or leave them on for to long.
>>19131491So in theory, you could repetedly brand them, wearing them down until you could get some one to bless the Daemon itself?
>>19131707That's the idea but forcing them to take be a sanctified part of an Imperium cult would would be about the ultimate backwards heresy
>>19131837well that is the point of this thread
