Howdy, Legonauts! Slim here at long last, back with another exciting Brikwars Battle Report! If you missed the last one (Which, to my dismay, was quite some time ago) you can find it on the sup/tg/ archive here;http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17999088/http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/18000310/Last month, I asked y'all which fight you wanted to see - and after unanimous vote and some arduous preptime, here it is! Kick back, warm up some popcorn, and get your F5 key ready. It's Brikwars time!
Before we begin;>What is Brikwars?Brikwars is a tabletop wargame played with LEGO or similar bricks. Being that it has re-usable pieces, battle damage, and no shortage of hilarity and rule-of-cool awesomeness, it's a refreshing alternative to GRIMDARK.As a meta-request, please refrain from spamming reaction images, positive or otherwise, until the dump is complete - I made sure to make this one fit the image limit.
It's a beautiful day in Blockatomi Plaza! The civilians are civil, the waters are calm, and all is right with the world. Let's take a closer look…
Two go-go 80's businessmen (with incredible mullets) trade friendly wagers over a board game."…and then I'll murder you with an axe! Swear to god!""You say that every time you lose, Patrick. Double or nothing?""You're on, Norman."
>>1971593580s guys!
603Elsewhere, in the park, rival rappers wax the rhapsodic to the fat beats of DJ "Tokin'" Tolkien.
A happy couple visits the Candroid Shop, a confectionary run by robots. In the back, aproned workers mix up the next batch of tasty treats.(You have no idea how much fun I had building the shops and scenery. It's almost a shame what happens to it... almost.)
>>19715939>Lord of the BeatsALL MY YESSES
>>19715951Cut it out, Lego Quest. I'm the fanboy and you're the immaculate badass here, remember?(one image skipped due to "image file contains embedded archive"... the hell?"A husky young fellow plays a rousing game of America's favorite pastime - handegg - with his paternal figures."Go long, Dads!"
A merchant nervously attends his produce stand."G-golly! I sure hope someone buys my produce so I can afford some m-meat. I'm so hungry."
Two well-dressed nerds head to the Arcade for fun and friendship. In the corner, a disabled veteran robot begs for change. He's too rusted to move.
In the markets by the piers, we find two shops - the Beef Dungeon, and Hogarth's Helms and Haberdashery. Not unsurprisingly, deep-fried chicken sells more consistently than plate sollerets.
Fishy Joe prepares fresh fish for a loyal customer, as Admiral Cyborg goes for an afternoon stroll.(For some reason, the blue roof on the fish shack always throws off the color balance. It's infuriating.)
An older gentleman stops to appreciate local history, while another curses out a skateboarding punk. Zeebo, the janitor, gloomily sweeps his broom, wondering if his green card will come in the mail today.
Jane the zoologist enjoys a meaty treat with her latest beau - a strong, silent type known only as Looking Stone. Her suggestive sausage antics go unnoticed.
A gentleman passes the antiques and toy stores on his way to the florist.(A side note - this is the first Brikwars report of mine to take place almost entirely on baseplates!)
"…Well, in any event, good luck at Leprecon, Jimmy! Back to you, Tom."The things that pass for news these days.
Finally, we find the Perfect Hair Squad - Officers Tanaka, Matsumoto, and Mcgee."Today is a lovely day to be a policeman! And my remedial Engr- ahem, EngLISH classes are coming along nicely.""One can never be too vigilant, Matsumoto-san. Crime never takes a vacation.""Neither do you, Tanaka."
Unfortunately, Officer Tanaka is all too correct… as a strangely bulky boat slowly drifts into the harbor.
Its driver seems nice enough - a plain-faced, plain-dressed fellow. By all accounts, an ordinary citizen. But what mysteries does his cargo hold… er, hold?
Cars relent their honking as the ill-placed traffic light finally turns green, letting them pass.(Fun fact: The monkey-driven car is the Banana Hammock, one of a number of racers I built for an attempted "Wacky Races" battle report. It failed because I couldn't build a large enough track. Maybe someday...)
Suddenly, a monstrous carhorn pierces the air! It's a dump truck, hurtling down the highway at incredible speed! Its driver seems nice enough…
I wish LEGO weren't so expensive.
…but he's headed straight for the fence! Look out!
>>19716081>Its driver seems nice enough…IT HAS A FUCKING SKULL. FOR A GRILL. IT'S NOT NICE AT ALL, IS IT, STEVE?!
*CRASSSSSHHHH!* The fence is obliterated, sending the rappers flying! The local garbage man and the Kendo Club Kids stagger back, as all eyes turn to the disastrous spectacle. Startled by the sudden event, Matsumoto loses his cool and his grasp on the letter "L".
"Someone carr the porice!""We *are* the police, Matsumoto-san.""…Oh, right. I knew that.">>19716092My name's not Steve.
"Hands up, criminerr! You unda arrest for drunk driving!"
"I'm afraid you can't arrest me for that, as I'm not drunk, officer. You see…"
"…I HAVE NO ORGANS! WAHAHAHA!"A skeleton popped out!"HORY SHET!"The police are summarily stunned, helpless to stop what follows...
A veritable army of the damned emerges from the truck - a legion of Skeleterrorists! Their wig-headed leader draws a saber from somewhere and waves it about."Alright, skinjobs! Everybody hands up and guns down, or we start perforating civilians! Any funny business, and we'll dynamite the lot of ya! As of right now this park belongs to ME!"
Some less courageous souls make a sensible - if hasty - retreat.(Fun fact: Nobody made their courage rolls. Not even the cops, with a bonus.)
But wait… where did Looking Stone go? We'll find out later...
Meanwhile, at the pier;"My god! A terrorist attack! Someone call the police!""I think the police are over there, Admiral.""Then someone call MORE police!"
"Willikers! Scary stuff. Sure makes your gut curl up, eh, stranger?""Funny you should say that. As it turns out…"
"…I HAVE NO GUTS! Stay right where you are, meatballs!"A second legion of the damned pours out from the boat, led by a Skeletal Samurai and a Gunaxe Cyborg.
After boldly passing their courage rolls, the battle begins at last! Admiral Cyborg pops the jewel off his cane, transforming it into a sword, while Fishy Joe attacks with a cod cudgel!(Fun fact: All those skeletons did, in fact, fit inside the boat and truck respectively. I do my best not to cheat.)
>>19716006>Her suggestive sausage antics go unnoticed.I snickered.
"W-we're live on the scene as skeleterrorists have taken over Blockatomi Plaza! Since you've got the public ear, what are your d-demands?""How nice of you to ask. We'd like ten million in unmarked bills in exactly two hours, or this little get-together's going to turn into a recruiting drive. The bombs are interlinked, so of any one of our five bombers pulls the trigger, these fine citizens will be turned into a fine red mist! Love your hair, by the way…"
The Perfect Hair Squad is surrounded! How will our handsome heroes escape this diabolical trap?>>19716238The snickering has not even begun, my friend.
>>19716115((It's an ATHF reference, man. Dr. Weird. Talks in ALLCAPS, assistant's name is Steve? No? Youdahaddabeenthere.))
The terrified civilians continue their retreat - but wait! A dottering old man, clearly blind to the commotion, is heading the OPPOSITE direction!
"Well, well! Looks like we have a volunteer - ready to shed that meat, old man?"
"Who you callin' old? WILDCARD, BITCHES!"Tearing off his beard, the Undercover Agent flips a table at his assailants and blasts another's head off with his gun-cane. How timely!
Taking their cue, the Perfect Hair Squad bursts into action! Tanaka uses his cuff-chucks to knock back the skeletons, while Matsumoto goes for the pistols and Mcgee does a flip attack! Undercover Agent rifle-whips another skeleton.
"Eat red, skeletons!" Matsumoto pops two suicide bombers, while Tanaka battles the Wig Leader and U.A. does an execution. McGee continues her kung-fu.
The tide of battle quickly turns, however, as Wig Leader gets a lucky gut shot on Tanaka! OFFICER DOWN! McGee continues her unabated beatdown.One of the fallen Buzzsaw Skeletons gets back up, costing Matsumoto one of his pistols.
McGee is tackled by a skeleton as the melee continues! It takes real cajones to wrestle with a suicide bomber."Get outta here, Matsumoto! I got this!"
As the bombers are scattered, the civilians make a break for safety!
Matsumoto and Undercover Agent follow suit!"That's one crazy broad on your squad, pal!"
Mcgee takes possession of the bomb, along with the skeleton's arms."Heads up, hair dye!"
"You fool! You'l set off a chain reaction!""Exactly! SEE YOU IN HELL!"
Cool guys don't look at explosions.
However, they certainly do stare at the charred wreckage that's left behind… a smoldering field is all that remains of McGee's heroic sacrifice. Or heroine-ic? The taxonomy's confusing.
The leader's wig drifts down as the thunderous echoes of the detonation fade."Sorry about your squad, Matsumoto. They were good cops. I know what it's like to lose friends.""It's okay. I just met them yesterday. At reast she kirred arr the bad guys."
*Ding ding!* A bicycle bell rings!"Funny you should say that. Hands up, coppers!"
"While you were demolishing the park, I rounded up enough hostages to make up for the ones you let slip. We'd still like that ten million dollars, and we'll be killing a hostage every hour on the hour until we get it. Starting with…"
"Well, I wouldn't want to be presumptuous. Who wants to go first?"The historic statue collapses, as if to punctuate his sentence, and a tense silence hangs in the air. The whole word seems to shrink to two men, a gun, and a grinning skull. A gentle rumble echoes across the bay - wait. What's that sound? Could it be? Yes! The day is saved!...
…because BACKUP HAS ARRIVED! The SWAT team, bomb squad, and air support are all here, plus two squad cars.
This is a good time for music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyz_2DEah4oA gruff SWAT officer bellows across the pier; "POLICE! EVERYBODY GET DOWN!"
In the air, Officer Leslie hangs loose with a sniper rifle as Officer Lucy pilots the chopper.(Fun fact: the chopper shots were equal parts awesome and frustrating.)
"Please tell me we're still rolling?""We're rolling, alright. This is gonna make me FAMOUS!""You? You're a cameraman!""I can't hear you over the sound of this AMAZING FOOTAGE!"
Hungry for battle, and really not interested in ten million dollars, Samurai Skeleton leads the charge, while Cyborg Skeleton uses his rocket boots and twin axeguns to lay down supressing fire.
A torrid melee ensues! One of the SWAT officers executes a crowbar-wielder, while the other unloads a shotgun slug into Samurai Skeleton! The bullet appears to do no damage, however - some combination of necromancy and warrior spirit keeps the cyborg swordsman alive! His jet-pack compatriot continues to unload, wrecking the hood of a squadcar.
i have a new love
The officers fire back as the flier deftly dodges! The SWAT officers find close combat none to their liking, as one loses his shotgun while the other parries attackers from all sides.
"Hold me steady - I've got the shot!"
>>19716456also, you wouldn't happen to be called ewan?
*KRAKOW!* The sniper rifle pings the Cyborg Skeleton's skull, costing him his hat! Stunned, he crashes onto the roof of a nearby building."Well, that's something you don't see every day!"
Taking advantage of the distraction, Undercover Agent tackles the Skeleton Leader!"Get the gun! I've got thi-"
*BANG!*"-HLURK!" The bullet tears through his throat, silencing his brave voice forever."NOOO! YOU KIRR GUY I JUST MET!"
Matsumoto's broken battle cry can scarce be heard over the sound of his revolver, as he unloads until he successfully disarms the Leader! He turns his pistol over in his hand and-
P-P-P-PISTOL WHIPPED!(By the way, rev up your MS Paint. I expect some quality reaction images out of all this after I'm done.)
Collapsing in terror and victory, Matsumoto falls to his knees. Nearby, the melee continues! One SWAT officer takes a crowbar to the face, but is avenged by another officer, while the Samurai is parried and perforated!
With no more bombs to defuse, the Bomb Squaddie dives into the harbor. What does he have planned?…
BW 2001
Hang on a tic, image-related troubles.
4chan loves to screw you over if you accidentally goof up noko, somehow. And apparently images featuring aliens contain "malicious code". Great.*ahem*Meanwhile, as the hostages watch in terror, Zeebo the Janitor cooly reaches into his pocket…
…and procures a plasma pistol!
Unfortunately, he doesn't get a chance to use it."Anyone else wanna try something stupid? Everybody, onto the boat!"
The remaining crowbar skeleton is shot (off-screen) while officers dogpile the Samurai in a perfectly heterosexual fashion."GRARR! I can't move! Why is their meat so heavy?""Donuts."
The hostages are herded onto the boat, which is very uncomfortable. Would you believe that they all actually fit in there?
The hold closes and the boat departs for the Skeleterrorists' secret base."Good job, boys! That ten mil is as good as ours!""Yea!… Hey, wait. Who's driving the boat?
"Come in, Police HQ! This is Bomb Squad Bob. I've secured the hostages!"Stealth: Get it up to 20, and you can do all kinds of crazy shit.
"It's over, terrorists! You've got no hostages and nowhere to go! You're outnumbered and outgunned! Surrender now!"
Fuck yes, i love these battle reports, especially matsumoto and his itchy trigger finger.
"Outgunned, you say? I hardly think so."The water roils as a fearsome detachment of Super Cyborgs surfaces!
Fearsome amalgamations of machine and bone, the Super Cyborgs are a terrible sight to behold! The police scatter - Lucy dives for the chopper, praying the engine is warm enough to start up, while one brave officer covers the others' retreat! At the other pier, two Harpoon Skeletons emerge from the depths.In case you hadn't noticed, I never, ever play fair with reenforcements.
The brave officer is rewarded with a pike to the pancreas. Lucy manages to lift off as the skeletal army advances.
Broken from his traumatic stupor by a shotgun blast, Matsumoto finds himself being bowled over by fellow officers!"Take cover, you idiot!"
The officers scramble for cover - there is a tense moment before the shooting starts. Will I make it out of here alive, they each wonder? Is there any hope?
The answer, apparently, is "no". The battle is intense - bullets and lasers fly everywhere! A few of the goons are dispatched, but the SWAT officer takes a blast to the shoulder from the mighty quadruped Cyborg! Officer Leslie makes an incredible shot through the fray, but behind her a body falls from the roof…
"Y-y-you… shot me!" the Cyborg stutters, still reeling from his temporary shutdown.
"I missed."Leslie hates it when she misses.
Officer Sterns, taking the fallen SWAT officer's shotgun, makes a heroic last stand worthy of a video game cover, slaying the Tripod Knight cyborg. Its body falls and crushes another skeleton.
Like his comrade before him, he is felled by a spear. Officer Leslie dives from around her corner and unleashes a full-auto clip at another Cyborg, severing its head as it shoots wildly!"NOW!" she shouts.
With perfect timing, a hook from on high latches onto the lifeless lump of steel…
…and swings it across the battlefield like a wrecking ball! Officer Julie to the rescue! The concussive force fells the cop-killing Cyborg Knight, and bowls through the remaining Skeleterrorist forces!
The last mook is crushed as the Super Cyborg fires blindly into the air, failing to hit the helicopter as it flies away."It's all up to you, girl! Make me proud!"
Taking Sterns' shotgun, Matsumoto retreats with Officer Leslie to find new cover."Oh god! Erryone's dead! What do we do?""No time for talk - we got this! There's only three of them left!""But one of them is huge! That mean he have huge guns!"
Emerging from an alley, a lone figure takes aim.
>>19716936So... No one ever thought to do some emergency repairs on the robot and give it a gun?
"Strike true, old friend."
"GRWAAAAARR!"The arrow strikes a vital component, causing a terrible explosion! But the monster still stands, and turns to face his attacker…
"You're brave, human - but foolish. Did you really expect to kill me with one primitive arrow?"
"I suppose not."There is a savage cry, and the thunder of guns - and then, nothing.
In the ruins of the arcade, Leslie and Matsumoto steel themselves."Alright - on three, we'll pop out, blast 'em, and then duck back down. You got all that?""O-okay. Hey, Resrie?""Yea?""If we don't get kirred, would you rike to go out for coffee rater?""Only if you can figure out the letter 'L'. One…two…""Wait - rearry? Erryone tord me you were a resb-""THREE!"
The two speargunners are swiftly shot, rending their shrouded skulls from their spines!I have an alliteration problem!
Retaking their cover, the Super Cyborg peppers the wall with a fiery salvo."Hory crap! I can't bereive that worked!""I can't believe you talk like that."
*KA-DOOM!* The wall comes tumbling down with a kick of one of the Super Cyborg's four feet! The police panic and fire wildly, managing to disable one of his guns!"Foolish mortals! I don't need two guns to defeat you!"
Proving his point, he swings his newfound stub to knock back Leslie - but in so doing, agitates his injury from Looking Stone's arrow! Taking his chance, Matsumoto charges forward valiantly…
…and unloads a load of lead into the Super Cyborg's skull! His unmanly screams are almost muffled by the deafening gunfire. Almost.
The creature laughs as the bullets ping against its armored cranium! A savage servo backhand tosses Matsumoto away as the Cyborg scores a fatal shot on Officer Leslie!
"HURK!"With her last breath, Leslie fires and strikes a critical shoulder joint, destroying the Cyborg's arm! Matsumoto lands by one of the fallen speargunners, and spies a wrench…
F5F5F5F5F5FF5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5F5
Still reeling, the Cyborg is caught unawares as Matsumoto charges again, powered by desperation!
The wrench secures around the Cyborg's neck joint, and a sharp SNAP ensues as Matsumoto throws the whole of his weight against the wrench! Righty tighty, lefty loosey..."DIE, MONSTER! YOU DON'T BERONG IN THIS WORRD!"
Bereft of its head, the Cyborg's systems burst into flame! The last Skeleterrorist has been defeated - the day is saved! For real this time! Hooray!
With impeccable timing, an ambulance and more squad backup arrives. Matsumoto rushes to Leslie's side, cradling her in his arms - "Resrie, horrd on! The amburance is here! You're going to be okay!""Did… did you see that shot? I made the shot, Matsumoto. I did it.""I know, just horrd on! Keep tarking…Resrie?"But the brave sniper does not answer, as she falls limp.
"REEEEEEEESRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"
EpilogueThough ultimately defeated, the Skeleterrorists have claimed more than a few victories - the lives of brave men, women, and even an alien who had the courage to stand against them. Though the civilians were saved, it was at great cost.
"I'm here on the scene after three shots of valium, and BOY do I feel great! The police are overseeing the cleanup of Blockatomi Plaza, after a fearsome attack by undead terrorists earlier today! Though the damage to the park is extensive, no bystanders were hurt during the attack, and the terrorists - whom have yet to be affiliated with any known organizations - have all been defeated! Behind me, city workers are cleaning up the skeletal debris, to be delivered to a waste processing center for incineration! If you missed the battle footage, you can find it on our website at…"
Someday, the park will be rebuilt, and its fallen warriors honored. Despite the terror and the damage, everyone will rest easy, knowing that the Skeleton menace has been defeated once and for all.
...or has it?DUNDUNDUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNThe End.I hope everyone enjoyed this Battle Report! You may now unleash your reaction images.
Slim, my friend, we require your presence on the official Brikwars forums, because this is just too badass to let go unnoticed. http://www.brikwars.com/forums/
>>19717318Mayhaps soon, friend.I'm surprised by the quiet. Maybe I shoulda done this on the weekend?
>>19717352We're generally polite and let you finish. It's tough dumping sometimes.Lego Quest is also running atm, which has a lot of crossover. I read it, if that's worth it to you.
very cool. I always love these threads
>>19717517You cheeky bastard.Well done, OP. This gonna get archived?
Officer matsumoto once again saving the day.>"HORY CRAP! YOU KIRR PEEPER? FAKKU DIS SHITTU! YOU UNDA ARREST!"is the best battle cry ever.
Absolutely fantastic. Thanks OP, YOU DA MAN, looking forward to seeing more in the future. Just awesome.RESSSSRIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!
>>19717921You know, I have to wonder - after seeing all his friends die, and being a textbook anxiety case already, is he going to go insane?
>>19718142wait. You mean he wasn't already?
>>19718162Well he hasn't shot any civilians or started hallucinating.
Since there's still room on the image limit, would y'all like some detail photos of anything?Also questions, suggestions, and any other -estions.
make brightly colored plastic love to me OP-your girlfriend
>>19718400...Dammit, woman, stop posting in my threads!BRB.
>>19716382Consider the design for those cyberskeletons stolen.
>>19718523I'd be honored.
>>19717177>that dumptruck full of crushed skeletonsHehe->>19717183
>>19717774>archivedNot on sup/tg/. This is an image dump. Maybe foolz or easymodo, if they save pictures. Or you could save the thread yourself, manually, following instructions from sup/tg/.
>>19716101
>>19716864I have some caption ideas for this one, but I can't decide.>BRIKWARS: More balanced than 40k>BRIKWARS: Fun for the whole family>BRIKWARS: Almost cheaper than beer>BRIKWARS: A real man's kid's game
>>19719435The problem with these images is that there's just SO MUCH going on at once. Way too much. I find it quite hard to tell what's going on -- combined with the large image size and commentary that is something like "and he shot and him, and hit! / and he shot back, but missed! / and then reinforcements arrived!" repeated about four times, I find it very difficult to follow what goes on in these battle reports. If I had an idea of how the mechanics worked, and if the images were smaller, I think I would understand it all better.
>>19719067But the last one was archived. It's in the OP, even.
>>19719504Well, perhaps the guy running the archive likes it, or hasn't come across it yet.
>>19719491The rules are: There are no rules.Or, more accurately; roll 2d6 (against the enemy's 2d6) to see if the thing you want to happen, happens. Often, but not always, killing or wounding your opponent.Sorry it's not to your liking, though. The last report was somewhat worse, in that photographing every invidual attack action/unit turn resulted in way too many images. I tried to compress and cut down while still providing cool battle scenes.Are you using inline image extension? That tends to make things harder to read.
>>19719551I also forgot to mention; battlefield clutter. Omnipresent problem. As more bits fall off and get scattered, the battlefield - and images thereof - do get "busy".Though I could fix it, the game's "official" rules (far more elaborate than "roll dice, have fun, found at brikwars.com) touts it as a feature - such as the ability to beat people to death with a severed anything. See also >>19715922
>>19719551>Are you using inline image extension? That tends to make things harder to read.I was, actually, because I thought it'd be better than constantly Mouse 3-ing and closing tabs to go along with the posts. 1600 x 1200 is huge.I know you wanted what was happening to be a surprise, but it would help (me, at least) if you outlined the forces at some point, and who was particularly noteworthy for each side. The skeleton bomb squad, for instance, seemed to appear and disappear rather quickly, with gaps in-between the time they were on- and off-screen. It didn't feel like they had a continuity, I suppose you could say.Your setup was long but fantastically detailed. I'm actually a bit disappointed the terrain wasn't used more!Ultimately, there's just a ton of stuff going on in these reports, and I find it hard to track.
>>19719648>I thought it'd be better Turns out it isn't.
>>19719648Well, I did outline the Skeleterrorists when I had /tg/ vote for a fight, and the forces for the previous fight. I'm planning something more "formal" for the next one; I'll see if an army roll call and smaller images don't help.Thanks for the feedback!
>>19719584>far more elaborateYeah, you're using BW2001. BW2005 is only slightly more elaborate than "roll opposed dice". Is it worth trying BW2001 instead of the overly-sparse "update" in the unlikely event I find more people willing to play? How much houseruling did you have to do, if any?
>>19719648I personally thought it was all pretty clear myself.
>>19719769Honestly, even the "by-the-rules" battles we did were largely houseruling and improv, based on Quikwars (is that BW2005?). My main problem in that area has been a dearth of tactically-minded opponents, leaving me to play loose-and-fast games with milady... moving across the country makes it hard to find new friends, much less ones to match wits with in a deliberately silly game.Some homebrew rules we came up with;>Heavy and Light constructs; Both took (attack roll minus 1d6 defense die) brick damage from attacks, which removed parts. Heavy constructs had the defender choose damage, while Light ones had the attacker choose.>Ranged weapons do 1d6 damage with two attacks; Large ranged weapons and Small melee weapons can Combine, allowing two units to do two 1d6 attacks and one 2d6 attack. This creates a use for firing lines and tiny unit swarms.>Animals with attacks would go wild if not mounted, rolling each turn to see who they would obey.>Shields reduce the range of guns/etc., allowing shield units to close the distance more effectivelyThe dame responded well to the idea of a big tank battle, with a little less elaborate documentation. So that may be next.
the dame would like OP to know that she still reads his posts about her. Now go be sheepish in a corner somewhere. I know I'm no fun to play with, but you need not imply it's because I lack intelligence.
>>19720332>posts PokemonHe needn't say a word.
Saving this awesome shit from page X
