>>21901987
Cut off our head.

>>21902025
/thread

>>21902039
You know if this guy is cleaver he could work with it.

>>21902044
But suppose his wit's not sharp enough?

>>21902044

I think he meant use the sword, but a cleaver would work too.

>>21902054
Well then he should put his nose to the grindstone.

>>21902025
Chop to it!

>>21902062
Such a cutting remark, anon.

>>21902025
But we're a soul. Wouldn't that mean that chopping our head is only mildly painful and not deadly.

>>21902079
No need to dissect the issue, Anon.

>>21902025 Here.

>>21902079
I don't care what the result is, I only care about the attempt. He said first post, so do it faggot.

>>21902083
But it couldn't hurt to take a stab at it, could it?

>>21902088
That's unfortunate, because I think OP cut and run after you trashed his quest on the first post.

File: 1354724573189.png-(789 B, 68x80, 2.png)

>>21902025
Bored as fuck of your shitty unlife, you raise your rather shitty sword and attempt to decapitate yourself.

You fail rather badly, but manage to cut through both your wind pipe and jugular vein. You fall to the ground, choking and bleeding. You eventually die.

You reawake in a dark, cold room which smells of blood. You're lying on the floor, and you suddenly realise that you're naked and no longer have any of your equipment. You can't see anything else in here other than a pale fat man, also naked, sitting in a corner.


Well that suicide could have gone better.

>>21902107
Dance. :D

>>21902096
Well we gotta take action, cus we got an axe to grind

>>21902107
First poster

YES!

>>21902118
But WHAT KIND OF DANCE?

I vote we sing Smooth Criminal to ourselves while doing the appropriate moves.

>>21902124
Is my new name, now dance!

>>21902118
You pop and lock around the small room, and bump into the wall several times because you can't see shit.

You eventually trip over the fat man and scramble back from him in horror. He lets out a wheezy grunt, and you can't tell very well in the gloom, but you think he's staring at you.

It's probably time to stop dancing.

>>21902131
I think it'd impress our new friend.

>>21902139
Punch him in the dick

>>21902139
Probably. Ask him who he is.

>>21902131
We're double dead.
Clearly it's Thriller.

>>21902139
Let's ask where we are. Also ask that guy who he is and what happened to him.

>>21902144
Can't Thriller effectively alone.

File: 1354725031641.png-(82 KB, 1311x376, worldsshortestquest.png)

Capped for posterity.

>>21902168
You an Op have made my day, my sides they move on their own.

>>21902142
You scurry forwards and attempt to punch the fat man in the dick. Because you can't see very well, and because he's really fat, you miss and your fist collides with one of his dangling, flabby rolls.

You run backwards, screaming in terror, incase you caught fat off of him. Luckily, the fat guy seems rather clean, and your fist isn't covered in grease or anything.

>>21902192
Talk to the guy, damn. Ask him who he is, and where we are.

>>21902192
Ask his name.

>>21902192
Ask him what the hell is going on.

>>21902202
You ask the fat guy who he is, and where you are. He seems a bit reluctant to answer at first, because you tripped over him then attempted to punch him in the dick, but he soon gets talking.

"We're in tha soul catcher. Suicide cell. We're already dead, ain't we? Just souls, walkin' about. Where did yer think yer'd go when yer died again?
Me? I'm Moggin. I'm a commisar. Me an' the boys were fightin' Belphegor's machines. Couldn't bare to chop down anymore of tha terrified lads, and knew that it was only a matter o' time before the machines broke past our ranks and got me.. Decided I might aswell just take the easy way out and stab myself in tha heart."

You explain how you got here to Moggins, and he laughs for a short while.

"A'ite, well, next time yer trynna kill yourself, find a less painful way, lad. We'll probably be out of here soon though; they empty tha cells every few hours. You'll be back on scout duty in no time."

>>21902268
Give a whoopwhoop.

>>21902268
"This sucks. Isn't there a permanent way to die?"

>>21902280
You open your mouth and whoop twice. Moggins looks at you oddly.

>>21902283
This again. >>21902281

>>21902283
Try to get some sleep.

>>21902299
We can sleep when we're dead.

This is now Soul Suicide Quest.

Realize our latent mutant potential and blast our way out of the cell with punches from the punch dimension.

>>21902291
Moggins scratches one of his rolls thoughtfully.

"I know there's a few demons an' beasts who eat souls, but they're all pretty far away, in unclaimed land or under the reign of princes who can't keep their domains under control. Some methods which cause the total destruction of yer soul body might work, like divin' into a volcano, but it's risky. If yer die before the destruction of yer body, then yer gunna wind up back in here, and even if yer body is destroyed there's still a chance of the soul catcher savin' yer before you can die.
Why d'yer want to kill yourself though, lad? We got it all, us souls who didn't go an' get tortured forever when we died. Just another decade or so of grunt work, and yer'll be rankin' up before yer know it. Is that so bad?"

You can here someone walking around outside of the cell.

>>21902352
Become God.

>>21902361
You strain, and with all your willpower attempt to ascend to god hood. For a moment, you feel your body becoming shrouded in power...

However, you suddenly lurch back to reality, and the strain causes you to shit yourself. Moggins recoils in horror.

>>21902370
Realize latent magical power. Become a sorcerer.

>>21902378
Being a soul, your nature is almost entirely magical. You gasp in amazement at this realisation, and flex your hand outwards, attempting to cast a spell. You manage to shoot a fireball, but the spell eats up the magic sustaining you and your soul body, causing the hand with which you cast the spell to disintergrate. The fireball hits into the wall infront of you and smashes it slightly, causing light to pour in from beyond.

Moggins cowers away from you, seeing as you've both shat yourself and lost one of your hands.

>>21902399
Attempt to turn reintegrate magical energies contained within shit to regain hand.

>>21902399
Explore outside the hole, gain power from the void.

Sodomize the fat guy.

>>21902413
Screw the void. Start burning wayward souls as fuel for your magic.

>>21902421
>fuel for you magic
>not GODLY ASCENSION
Way I see it, we can take one of two options from now on: burn all our soul into magic and die permanently or BECOME GOD.

>>21902411
You're not really sure how to go about this, so you jam your bleeding, handless arm into the shit. It seems there is some magic left within the pile of faeces, because the handless area heals over, though your hand does not regrow. You're also kind of worried that some of the poo is now trapped beneath the new layer of skin and flesh within your arm.

>>21902421
We will become the soulomancer.

>>21902433
continue iring fireballs using our soul-body

>>21902442
since we have discovered it destroys our body without killing us

>>21902433
>Our soul is magic
>Our excrement is not
Is our hair magic? Are our fingernails? Where ends the border between us and not us? The only logical conclusion I can draw is that this entire realm of the dead is composed of magical energy. THEREFORE.

>>21902442
You cast a fireball from your other hand, causing it to vanish. You're unable to cast anymore spells, because you have no hands.

>>21902452
Penguins.

Therefore, penguins.

File: 1354727267653.png-(194 KB, 575x558, 1353484582986.png)

>>21902436
Don't you mean necromancer?

>>21902460
What is the sound of no hands clapping?

>>21902460
Eat Moggins. Replenish our magics.

>>21902460
This makes no sense. Covert matter over from our appendix to recover our limbs. Alternatively, burn fat in order to do so. Though sheer force of will.

>>21902475
It's kind of a whooshing noise.

>>21902475
You attempt to clap your non-existent hands together, and no sound is made.
Instead, you hit together your handless arms. A dull, fleshy thud is made.

Eat moggins

>>21902492
Eat Moggins.

>>21902496
>>21902497
Eat Moggins in a shockingly erotic manner.

File: 1354728004603.png-(4 KB, 65x146, Demon.png)

>>21902496
>>21902497
You run towards Moggins, and attempt to take a bite out of him. As you lean down to him to take a bite, he punches you in the face. He's surprisingly strong, and you fall back with blood dripping from your nose (and one of your arms, seeing as there's no magic poo left to heal it).

Suddenly, a portion of the wall slides open, causing light to flood the cell. A tall demon stands in the door way, and he peers in at you.

"Alright you two. Time to get back to wo-" the demon falters and stops speaking when he notices you standing there, with a bloody nose, blood pumping out of one of your handless arms and shit smeared on the other, and your feet also smeared in shit.
"Uh.. come along, for re-equipping, healing and cleaning."

>>21902595
Attempt to not eat the demon, but drain the demon of it's magic using your soul powers.

>>21902595
Use leg to fireball demon

>>21902622
You wave our stumps in the direction of the demon, and strain extremely hard to drain it of magic. Because the demon is a creature, and not just an animated soul, it doesn't have any magic to drain.

The strain also makes you shit yourself again.

>>21902647
Again, move spare matter to our hands. A sorcerer shouldn't require specific formulae for spells, so instinctive non-somatic casting should work fine.

>>21902647
give up and wait for healing/reequipping

>>21902663
You strain extremely hard, and try and move spare matter to your hands. Because you only discovered your spell casting abilities less than an hour ago, you're pretty bad at this; you accidentally turn one of your lower legs into a deformed, oversized hand. The other hand you manage to succesfully make out of some of your left buttock, but neither the muscle nor bone is properly formed, so its pretty floppy and useless.

You also shit yourself again.

The demon is looks at you, extremely befuddled. Moggins is cowering behind it, eager to be away from you.

>>21902707
Go get healed and equipped. Ask the healers how to do these things.

Falcon punch the nearest person.

>>21902707

Tell the demon "If you ever need a hand, give me a call"

Then form a drum and cymbal to do the ba-dam tsh.

>>21902721
You tell the demon that you're ready to go now. He walks over to you and slings you over his shoulder; he doesn't look pleased about this, seeing as you're covered in blood and shit, but you can't really walk while missing one leg.

The three of you exit the cell. The rest of the soul catcher is a huge chamber, so large that you cannot see the ceiling or floor, but you can see one wall far ahead of you. At the center of the chamber floats a massive, pyramid shaped gem: the soul catcher itself. The chamber is full of spindly stone bridges and pillars, across many of which you can see other demons and recently caught souls trooping about. The cells, including the one you just exited, appear to be built into the pillars and bridges themselves.

The demon carries you across the bridge for a long time, with you over his shoulder and Moggins waddling alongside you. Eventually, you reach the far wall and enter a small doorway at the end of the bridge. You proceed through darkness for a while, and the demon eventually drops you through a door way into a room of dull red stone, lit by flickering torches. Moggins calls a rather nervous farewell to you before the door slams shut.

Two demons, one in blood spattered white robes and the other carrying equipment, enter through the another doorway. The mage goes about healing and cleaning you, and the other begins to outfit you in armour and hide trousers. They make friendly conversation while they work, and both burst into laughter when you explain how you horrible mutilated yourself.

>>21902923
"Aha, common mistake, my friend!" hoots the mage as he shrinks your hand and restores your buttock. "You've got to draw magic from the world around you; it takes a lot of practice, so when you tried to cast a spell, you accidentally-automatically drained the magic sustaining your soul body. You've got to go to a place where people are willing to teach you magic in order to learn this kind of stuff."

After the two demons have finished outfitting and healing you, a sword is thrusted into your hand, and your lightly pushed out of the door the two entered. You fall down onto hard, dull red, dusty ground and the door slams shut behind you.

You are now back in the Red Plains. You can see the gently rolling plains in the distance where you tried to kill yourself, and beyond them the Ilick Mountains. In the distance, a low lying black haze marks the Gotgulla.

>>21902929
Go scouting and stuff. When done, look for a teacher.

Scout, but look for bitches and whores.

>>21902951
You decide to go scouting, and head off into the Red Plains.

You wander about for a while, just on the look out for any enemies. While it includes the Red Plains (and a handful of forests scattered about them), the Ilick Mountains, Gotgulla city and the massive soul catcher fortress, your lords realm of Hell is actually pretty small, and often under threat from other demon princes, bandits and beasts.

You eventually come to a stop, and sit down to rest. The Red Plains stretch out to the south and east. Gotgulla and the soul catcher fortress are now a smudge on the horizon to the south. To the west is a forest of gnarled, black barked trees, blood coloured grass and huge mushrooms and toadstools. Behind you, to the north, the ground begins to rise up into the foothills of the Ilick Mountains.

Do you want to continue scouting, head somewhere to try and find a magic tutor, or do something else?

rape

>>21903029
What do you want to stick your dick in?

The sword

>>21903045
just in general

find something, i guess

>>21903045
STrike the earth, fuck the mud pussy.

>>21903054
You pull down your hide trousers, and try and ram your dick into your sword. Instead, you just end up cutting your dick down the middle. You scream in pain as your penis drips blood everywhere.

>>21903054
>>21903064
it can't be rape if there's no victim

we must wander further in search of one

>>21903080
The sword doesn't love us

Throw it away

>>21903099
You throw your sword, its blade splattered with your penis blood, as far as you can.

To your shock and horror, it suddenly rolls back across the ground towards you. The dick blood upon its blade rearranges itself into words;

'Please let me back into your life baby, I didn't mean to hurt you.'

>>21903110
Cover yourself in leafs and pretend not to hear it.

>>21903121
You run into the forest and bury yourself in fallen, dark red leaves. The blade rolls after you, and waits by your leaf covered form.
It occcasionally gently nudges you.

File: 1354730832589.jpg-(56 KB, 225x220, jesuschristhowhorrifying.jpg)

>>21903110
jesus christ how horrifying

>>21903142
Say to the sword "I forgive you."
In a very sexual way.

>>21903142
It's sorry, make love to it once again.

>>21903110
Let the sword beg for a little while, then accept it. We can't let it think that we'll let it have its way all the time.

File: 1354731008730.jpg-(597 KB, 650x3837, Dranon5.jpg)

>>21903165
>>21903159
>>21903157
Welcome to Slaneesh quest!

>>21903185
The love between a man and his sword is wholesome and true. We just have to figure out how to overcome our differences so our love can truly bloom.

File: 1354731593775.png-(4 KB, 75x97, Imp.png)

>>21903157
You forgive the sword in a sensual voice, and it rolls towards you.
It hides with you beneath your covering of leaves, away from prying eyes, and the two of you make sweet, passionate love. The sword does not cut you this time, and the two of you reach climax together in a whirl of beauty.

When you're both finished, you push aside the cover of leaves and lie next to each other. You then become aware that an imp is watching you from the shadow of a large mushroom. He's smiling pervertedly, and you become aware that it either saw or heard you making sweet love to your sword.

kill imp

Kill Imp in a sensual manner while dirty talking your sword.

Actually begin your adventure for real.

Disregard retarded advice from your mind-goblins.

Get healed, and go find something more interesting (But still beneficial for your warring career) to do.>>21903296

File: 1354731747799.jpg-(39 KB, 472x645, 1354194446404.jpg)

>>21903307
>not inviting the imp

EAT IT AND CONSUME ITS POWER

>>21903307
You grab your sword and dive at the imp. After your recent union, you and your sword seem to have reached a perfect equilibrium; your swordsmanship is now brilliant, and you feel as if you are in far more control of your attacks then before.

You dice the imp up into fine little pieces, and its blood splatters across your body and the surrounding forest. Fucking pervert.

>>21903354
Do this.
>>21903328
captcha: non-toxic ddrRep
Check it for toxicity first.

Cook and eat the diced up imp, gaining It's power

>>21903354
Now eat the imp, we need more magical energy.

Awesome. We should continue searching for magical knowledge.

ASk you sword if she is pregnant.

>>21903379
>she

>>21903372
You don't really have any way of checking it for toxicity, so you just avoid the bits which look like shit filled intestines. You shove handful after handful of little chopped up bits of imp into your mouth, until you can eat no more.

You don't really gain any power, but you feel full and refreshed. You're a bit worried that later you're going to throw up or shit yourself again, seeing as you ate the imp raw.

Eat fire

Fuck the shit filled intestines.

>>21903393
Continue our patrol.

>>21903400
There is no fire near you. The whole "eternal flames and lava lakes" thing isn't really your lord's style. Do you want to find or make some fire?

>>21903424
Lets find some, we need to explore more anyway.

look for magic power to absorb

Cut off your arms and legs. While screaming the Captain Planet theme song over and over again until you fade from consciousness

File: 1354732670659.jpg-(12 KB, 205x180, stop.jpg)

>>21903393
>You're a bit worried that later you're going to throw up or shit yourself again, seeing as you ate the imp raw.

>>21903429
Your journey off in search of fire, and to continue your scout duty. You journey for a few hours, and eventually see a village ahead of you. It's very small, and the buildings appear to be made of pale red brick and bone. At the center of the village is a large fire, around which several figures are gathered, but you can't tell whether they're soul, demon or something else.

To the north is the forest and the foothills you just left. To the east is the Red Plains. To the south is Gotgulla and the soul catcher fortress. To the west is the village.

>>21903436
This.

Now eat that fire

>>21903479
Enter the village, and tell the figures you require their fire for a great adventure, in your best elvis voice. Then attempt to absorb the fire's magic

>>21903482
His beloved sword would't harm him

>>21903507

>>21903436
>>21903482
Agreed our lord can't make us into useful soldiers no matter how much he tries.

>>21903507
>>21903515

Lets do everything that's been posted In this thread so far, all at once

>>21903482
You remove your armour, and begin to hack off your limbs while you scream an unknown song which you have never heard before, over and over.

Blood pours from your limbs bloody stumps, and you fall to the ground screaming. Before you can awkwardly cut off your sword arm, your sight fades to black with the last 'gunna take pollution down to zero' ringing in your ears.

You awake again, lying on a comfy bed. Your vision is blurred, and you ache all over, but you can feel that your limbs have been reattached or regrown. You look about, and see that you are in a room of dark wood and red brick, lit by flickering candles on shelves. The shelves lining the walls are covered in books, jars, bottles and strange implements. Your equipment is layed out on the floor nearby. A tall figure stands over you, dressed in thick hides and robes, with only its face showing. You're not really sure what it is; it looks reptillian, with dull red and green scales, a lipless mouth, slits instead of a nose and unblinking yellow eyes, though it also resembles a human.

>>21903589
kiss him

>>21903589
Who are you and where is my lover(sword)?

>>21903608
You raise yourself up on your elbows, and plant a soft kiss against the strangers lipless mouth. To your dissapointment, it doesn't respond. You then lay back down on the bed.

>>21903620
This >>21903610

Oh shit, its a lizard man! He's plotting to take over america! Strike him down!

>>21903631
"I'm Silcilik, stranger, the villages wise one. I've been looking after you while you were out."

He turns, and stalks over to the pile of equipment. He gently picks up your sword and brings it to you. You take it from his long arms, and cuddle it to your chest.

The blood on the blade rearranges itself into the words 'Oh baby, I'm so glad you're okay.'

>>21903631
We have to find our sword, she's pregnant with bladelings after all.

>>21903660
Trade sex for magical knowledge

>>21903676
Sex with sword that is

>>21903671
Ask our sword if she's pregnant.

>>21903676
You offer to make Silcilik feel good, in return for magical knowledge.

"I'm afraid that we are not sexually compatible, nor do I use magic; I heal with salves and advanced medical knowledge, not spells. Thank you for the offer though; if I ever feel the need for a little interspecies sexual contact, I will tell you."

>>21903691
We don't even know sword's sex. How do we know we haven't been having homoswordsual sex?

>>21903707
Ask for the map.

>>21903724
Silcilik looks befuddled.

"What map, stranger? I have plenty, are you interested in purchasing any?"

>>21903707
Ask "Cecil Limpdick" if he has an acquaintance who might teach us wizardry

>>21903730
Ask for a map leading to magicsal knowledge.

>>21903730
"Cecil Limpdick" post

>>21903745
"I'm afraid that's to vague, stranger. If you want to learn magic, I expect there's tutors in Gotgulla. But why would a would-be mage be standing, fully armoured, in the Red Plains and chopping off his arms and legs while singing?"

>>21903776
Use magic on penis, turn it into a snake.

>>21903776
Use elvis voice to explain your doings thus far, in song

>>21903776
"The voices told me to do it"

>>21903791
You strain yourself, and not only manage to turn your dick into a snake, but manage not to shit yourself.
The snake, still attached to your pelvis, pokes its head out from under the sheets you lay under, and looks about in confusion.

"Wot's goin' on 'ere then?" it hisses.

>>21903185
>sammich
I hope whoever wrote this dies slowly.

>>21903791
While turning your penis into a much better tool for both biting people and pleasuring bitches and whore explain that suicide is your hobby and magic is your passion

>>21903809
Sing it to sleep

>>21903809
Kiss it.

>>21903817
You sing a sweet lullaby to your snake penis. It then falls limp and goes to sleep.

Silcilik looks a bit shocked.

Damn, wish I could post faster, damn phone.

>>21903829
Elvis voice, sing of your exploits

>>21903830
You randomly blurt out "Damn, wish I could post faster, damn phone."

Silcilik looks even more confused.

>>21903829
Go to Got gulla

conquer the village with your sword-lover and snake penis

>>21903842
Damn you op, I finally post first on accident and you take it, haha

>>21903847
You suddenly spring out of bed and wave your sword at Silcilik, while your snake penis flops about in sleep. With your expert swordsmanship, you manage to slice off one of Silcilik's hands, before Silcilik backhands you across the face. You fall back onto the bed, and Silcilik towers over you.

"I show you kindness, and this is how you repay me? Give me a good reason as to why I should not kill you, stranger!" as Silcilik rasps this, he withdraws a long, vicious looking knife.

>>21903883
SNAKE,BITE HIM NOW!

Magiocally repair Silclicks hand

>>21903893
You mentally command your snake penis, and it immediatly rears up from sleep, then moves to bite Silcilik in the throat. Because your member was not that long before you turned it into a snake, your snake penis isn't very large either, and falls short of Silcilik's throat.

Silcilik then stabs you in the face.

Well shit.


You awake, naked and equipmentless, in a dark room. It takes you a moment to realise that it is one of the soul catcher cells; this one is larger than the suicide cell you shared with Moggins, and has five other people in it. It seems that the murder (or whatever kind of death you had) cells are a lot more active than the suicide ones. The other people in this room are two large muscly men, a short scrawny guy, and two sour faced women.

You stand up, and look around. You still have your snake penis but... your sword lover is missing! She/he/it is still with that vile Silcilik!

>>21903937
Lighting! If their's one thing dark soulsh has taught me, it's that all lizards are weak to lightning

>>21903945
Use magic to make your snake penis longer

>>21903945
use your charisma to recruit people to destroy that damn village

>>21903945
Go now, young demon. Retrieve thine sword from the vile cecil limpdick

>>21903960
You feel your buttocks shrink and vanish, and your snake penis grows longer.

"Oi, oi! Thanksss a lot, mate, now I gotsss sssome real good reach!" your snake penis hisses.

Accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior.

>>21903979
Auto fellatio

>>21903961
"Hail, fellow murder victims! Would you be interesting in helping a snake-dicked sorcerer such as myself burn down a village?"

Upon lengthening Sly, our snake penis, recruit people for a raid on that village to recover our beloved Sword.

This is the funniest shit ever

>>21903980
You're not really sure who 'Jesus' is, but when you consider changing religion one of your nipples explodes...

It's probably a good idea to stay faithful to your current lord.

>>21904014
Auto fellatio

recruit the other murderers to destroy that village. promise loot and maidens

>>21904014
Ignore lost nipple, recruit fellow murder victims to retrieve sword

>>21904014
Replace destroyed nipple with eyeball.

>>21904020
You and your snake penis aren't really sure how to do this. You divide time between making out, you sucking the head of your snake penis, and the snake penis licking your face.

Please tell me this thread is archived.

>>21904039
>>21904023

>>21904039
Consult snake penis on best course of action

>>21904039
This
>>21904038

>>21904053
You rouse the other murder victims to raid the village with you. One of the muscly guys, the scrawny guy and the two women seem onboard with the idea, but the other muscly guy isn't. They all want different things;
- The muscly guy wants money; he gets enough maidens as is.
- The scrawny guy wants maidens; he gets enough money as is.
- The two women, who turn out to be sisters, want safe passage back to Gotgulla, and aid in killing the man who murdered them in the first place.

Have you got anything else to sort out?

>>21904113
Convert your legs to make the snake longer, replacing your lower body with the snake

I like what you're doing OP. I like it a lot.

>>21904113
We need to acquire more body mass to reconfigure. Go read a book about magic.

>>21904117
You carefully replace your lower body with that of a large snake; the snakes head, now many times larger, pokes out from where your groin used to be.

The cell door-wall slides open, revealing one of the demon guards.
"You lot all ready to go?"

>>21904117
So... Become naga... With a snake head on tail.I like it

>>21904161
I REQUIRE NUTRIENTS, GUARD

Eyeball, nipple make it happen OP.

absorb the muscly guy not onboard, become true snake man.

File: 1354736479090.png-(9 KB, 317x249, no tablet no nothing.png)

>>21904164
But..our swordo...

>>21904223
I..it's not like I want to cut you up, b-baka!

>>21904223
Motherfucker

we will get our sword waifu back.

But we must become stronger. And if attaching ourselves to a giant snake doesn't make us stronger WHAT WILL?

Attaching ourselves to a giant snake that's also a robot and shoots lasers and shit, but we can't do that yet, now can we?

>>21904177
You scream this at the guard, and he looks a bit displeased at your rudeness. However, he decides that it's probably not wise to pick a fight with a naga with a snake head instead of a dick.
"I'll arrange for some food to be given to you when you get healed and equipped."

You and your band of merry raiders are lead along a spindly bridge of the soul catcher fortress. You're all escorted to different dark, red stone rooms. You're pleased to see that you end up with the same armourer and healer as last time you were here. The three of you have a good old laugh as you explain what's happened since you were last here.
"Ah, we'd come with you, but we're needed here, I'm afraid." chuckles the healer, and wipes away a tear of mirth (and blood) from his eye.

You're equipped with a helmet, cuirass and gauntlets, but your body is no longer compatible with trousers (at the request of the healer, he lets you keep your naga-with-a-snake-head-for-a-dick form (he heals your nipple and buttocks though)).

After being politely pushed out of the soul catcher fortress, you soon regroup with your band of raiders outside the wall.

>>21904205
Then destroy the village with the rest of our group and rescue our lover.

>>21904252
Oh, you're also given two steaks of red meat when you get healed and equipped. You feed one to your snake-head-dick, and eat the other.

>>21904264
go to the village

>>21904252
"So, first onwards to the village, friends, then to avenge the murders of the sisters, and then maidens and money will be acquired allow the way to Gotgulla. Any objections?"

Unleash our phallic reptillian fury on the villiage that holds our Sword-Waifu hostage!

>>21904284
You travel for a few hours, and eventually arrive at the village. You pause at the edge of the village, and see that the other inhabitants of the village are also of the same, reptillian species as Silcilik. The fire is still blazing away merrily in the middle of the village. The citizens don't recognise you, on account that your face is mostly covered by your helmet.

Your fellow raiders seem to have requested equipment suitable for attacking a village; Muscle is in armour similar to yours, albeit with hide trousers and wields a large axe; Scrawny is dressed in a light, chain vest and hide armour, and holds two small knives; the two women are dressed in normal clothing (dull white tunics and brown trousers), but both have short swords.

Come to think of it, what weapon are you wielding? Did you just get a replacement sword, or was the emotional trauma of losing your sword waifu to much, causing you to request a different weapon?

File: 1354737226624.jpg-(48 KB, 477x571, Teegee quest.jpg)

>>21904161

>>21904361
we use our snake dick

>>21904361
We are faithful, so we requested a long, thick and powerful spear, to thrust into our enemies and hear their screams.

>>21904361
We have knives attached to each of the fingers of a metal glove on our left hand.

>>21904378
Very well! We shall awkwardly thrust our groin at our enemies, and allow our snake-head-dick to bite them!
Now what do we do?


>>21904364
Beautiful

>>21904378
Seconded, Sly is manly enough of a weapon for a bad dude like us.

>>21904400

We bite reptile bitches

>>21904400
Teach our merry band of raiders elvis songs

>>21904400
Start lighting shit on fire.

Start lighting shit on fire while biting reptile bitches and singing "Don't you step on my blue suede shoes"

>>21904409
You scream the command to attack to your band of raiders, and you lunge at the innocent villagers.
Blood spurts everywhere as your band of merry men tear apart the reptillian bitches. You do massive damage to the villagers; with every thrust, Sly opens his mouth and rips a chunk of scaly flesh from a nearby victim.

The reptillians themselves have few weapons other than crude bone and flint/slate weaponry, intended for hunting, not fighting. One of the women takes a few stabs to the arm, but its nothing fatal, and Scrawny narrowly dodges a slice to the neck. Soon, all the villagers who were out in the open are dead; whether there are more in the houses, and which house holds your sword waifu captive, you are not sure.

>>21904454
Find Silcilik. Demand sword.

If asked why, explain that slicing off hands and reattaching them is the customary greeting of our people, and that by killing us after we did so, Silcilik offended our honor.

>>21904454
Fuck a few corpses before going to look for your sword.

>>21904454
look in every house with your men

>>21904487
Bit call him cecil. You don't quite grasp snake dialect.

>>21904504
Sly will correct us and tell us that it is rude to use a diminutive. We must call him Cecil Limpdick of nothing at all.

Either op left, or is writing a seriously epic post.

>>21904487
You search through three houses while your band of raiders kill off the rest of the village's inhabitants. You kill another reptillian thing in the first house you search. The third is definetely Silcilik's; the walls are lined with shelves, similar to the room you woke up in. You search through a few rooms, then head upstairs.

A door is ajar, and you burst into the very same room which you woke up in earlier; your previous suit of armour is still on the floor, and your sword waifu is lying on the very same bed onwhich Silcilik viciously murdered you (a slight imprint in the sheets, and several blood splatters, marks where you were previously lying). Silcilik himself looks wide eyed and terrified, having heard the slaughter going on outside.

You accuse him of dishonouring your peoples by killing you for removing his hand, and that he give back your sword or else! He doesn't really take in anything you say, draws the knife with which he killed you, and lunges at you!

>>21904576
Sorry, was just eating my dinner while trying to write.

>>21904592
Cleave him in two

>>21904592
Barbarous swine! I remove your hand in greeting, and you kill me?

Pay with your blood, heathen!

>>21904592
Yell viciously, roll around on the ground, and strike his crotch with sly

>>21904601
Roll 2d100; one for success in cleaving Silcilik clean in half, and the other for how witty a comment you make when you kill him.

Rolled 38, 33 = 71

>>21904618

Rolled 19, 76 = 95

>>21904618

Rolled 67, 66 = 133

Once you go sword you don't go back.

>>21904618
Call him cecil limpdick

File: 1354739029613.jpg-(26 KB, 213x320, image.jpg)

>>21904635
>>21904637
>>21904640

>>21904635
You slither at Sicilik at top speeds, and catch a nasty cut across the shoulder. However, with a skilled thrust of your pelvis, you awkwardly gnaw Sicilik in half. It takes about a minute, and the treacherous reptile screams most of the way through the process.

Just before you finish him off, you look him in the eyes and triumphantly roar "Seems like you just weren't hard enough for this fight, Cecil Limpcock!"
Sicilik looks kind of confused, but insulted nevertheless, before your snake-head-dick bites through enough of him to kill him.

You then slowly slither towards the bed, and pick up your sword waifu. The blood on its surface forms the words 'Oh, my hero!', and you embrace each other, while Sly happily crunches on Silcilik's organs.

>>21904686
we should go check on our raiders and see what kind of loot/slaves/etc. we can find

>>21904686
Pose triumphantly

>>21904686
Introduce sly to... Ask sword its name

>>21904686
Ask Sly if having a second dick for our sword is ok with him?

>>21904686
Best thread ever, the trolls just give OP more stuff to work with... You magnificent bastard

>>21904686
My sides have crushed most of my internal organs

Call an ambulance

>>21904717
See me when you're done with the soul chamber and I'll make you new sides.

>>21904696
You slither back outside, holding tightly to your swords hilt. Outside, corpses lay everywhere, and blood is spattered about. Muscle informs you that they've cleared out all the villagers, and that the few who survived have fled. One of the women is tending to her injured sister with medical supplies she seems to have stolen from Silcilik's house.

Scrawny informs you that he's searched through all the houses, and that the reptillians didn't really have anything of value; they seem to live a hunter-gatherer existence, and almost everything they had was just hunting supplies, stored food and worthless bits of junk. However, a few of the medicines in Silcilik's house are valuable, and he founds some things like jewelery and rather pretty talismans in a few of the houses. Muscly takes these from him, and declares that he'll accept said medicines and jewelery as payment; he'll sell them to make a profit, rather than just demanding money from you.

After a bit more searching around, just incase Scrawny missed anything, you and your raiders are able to determine that the reptillians were infact salamanders, after finding a clutch of seven eggs in the large fire at the centre of the village. The group carefully rolls them out with sticks, and Muscly takes two before setting off into the distance with his new treasure.

Now, Scrawny and the women demand passage to Gotgulla; Scrawny needs to find some wenches, and the maidens need to make sure their stall is okay (and they're quite keen on giving their murderer a bash). So, what are you going to do now, with your three remaining raiders and five remaining salamander eggs?

>>21904825
Find ourselves some magic to drain. We are part time sorcerer after all.

File: 1354740051975.jpg-(181 KB, 363x321, 1352029040653.jpg)

My sides have just reached superluminal velocities.

File: 1354740074474.png-(31 KB, 419x354, 1354539628590.png)

>>21904815
Do you know how hard it is to get captcha to work when you're fucking your daughter?

>>21904840
You begin to wander off in a random direction, in search of magic, before one of the women tugs you back.

"Not so fast. We had a deal, snake guy."

>>21904825
We shall sacrifice the salamander eggs to our Dark Lord, that he might bless our quest to find the man who murdered the sisters!

Then we depart.

>>21904860
Alright, so where'd they get killed? We'll start there.

>>21904860
Ask all present their names (including sword waifu), then make everyone skip and sing songs all the way to gotgulla

File: 1354740435085.jpg-(44 KB, 477x571, Teegee quest updated.jpg)

>>21904686

>>21904880
"Gotgulla. We were running our food stall, and when we refused to give some big demon guy stuff for free, he whacked us to death with his mace."

You, Scrawny and the two women set off for Gotgulla, taking the salamander eggs with you. After a few hours of walking, you arrive at the massive gates of Gotgulla. A portcullis of bone and black metal prevents you from entering the city walls. A large, brutish looking demon peers out of a window in the wall at you and your party.

"Who wishes to enter Gotgulla, and on what business?"

>>21904934
"Snakedick the Magnificent. My business is pleasure."

>>21904934
We don't have a name. Call ourselves LORD PERIWINKLE, MAIDEN OF THE FLAMING SERPENT. State our business as ETERNAL JUSTICE.

>>21904934
"I'm here to avenge the murder of some people I barely even know, and also maybe get some bitches or something, I don't know. Oh, and sell these eggs I have here."

>>21904934
Grand Magus Snakedick, Egg Salesman. I'm here to fuck bitches.

also, archive this.

>>21904965
I vote for this.

>>21904918
I really think the heart=-sword is an excellent touch.

>>21904965
>MAIDEN
But we don't have anything maidenly(?).

>>21905021
That's the point.

>>21904958
The big brawny demon nods, and then speaks.
"Welcome, Snakedick the Magnificent, to Gotgulla! Our whore houses and brothels are three streets north of the gate, one street west."

The other raiders introduce themselves; it turns out that Scrawny is called Phillip, one of the women is called Matilda and the other is called Stephanie. After they've all introduced themselves, the brawny demon vanishes from sight, back into the wall. After a few moments, the great portcullis slowly grinds open, and the four of you enter Gotgulla.

Souls, demons and other inhabitants of Hell of all description crowd the streets; human souls, dwarf souls, elf souls, goblin souls, devils, imps, oni, succubi, Beelzebub spawn, trogs, salamanders and many other individuals can be seen as soon as you enter the gate. After walking a short way into the city Phillip (previously Scrawny) bids you farewell, and heads off for the whore houses and brothels the gate guard mentioned.

Matilda and Stephanie turn to you. "So, should we get to our stall then? We need to make sure everything's alright before we go after the arse who killed us."

>>21905021
I think its fairly clear that he misspelled MADDEN anon. apparently we have a thing for football.

>>21905071
That sounds fantastic. Lead me to your whoreses.

>>21905071
sell the spoils

Find the stall kill the arse

>>21905071
Sure thing gals. What do you sell anyways?

File: 1354741426033.jpg-(127 KB, 1414x791, teegee Gotgulla.jpg)

>>21904934

>>21905121
"Our what?!" Stephanie exlaims in shock. Both of the sisters look like they're about to give you a slap.

>>21905135
They sell dragon dildos and dragon dildo accessories.

>>21905136
Keep up the good work, Anon, and you'll get that corner office you want.

Headbutt Stephanie and throat punch Matilda. Demand dragon dildos.

>>21905139
Sing how you love to sing-a, you love the spring-a

>>21904982
Just did. Hope I haven't fucked up.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/21901987/

>>21905176
I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a,
I love to sing-a,
About a sky of blue-a, or a tea for two-a,

>>21905168
This please.

>>21905168
You swing your hard, helmeted head into Stephanie and shatter her nose. Matilda screams in shock, before you shut that bitch up by punching her in the throat with a gauntleted fist. She falls down next to her writhing sister, choking and gasping. You then scream at them, demanding dragon dildoes from the sisters. Matilda chokes something about being a food merchant; you don't really understand, all you know is that neither of them are giving you dragon dildoes.


>>21904223
>>21904364
>>21904918
>>21905136
Hey.
Hey you guy(s).
You're awesome.

>>21905217
FEED.

>>21905217
jizz on their corpses

>>21905217
NOMNOMNOMNOM

>>21905232
After we kill them, we'll track down the demon that killed them and kill him too.

Hopefully, the demon will end up in the same murder cell as them, and our contract will be complete.

>>21905217
Why would we need dragon dildoes anyway we can't use them. Unless...soul powers.

>>21905217
FUCK. WHAT ABOUT OUR MAGERY. WE NEED TO LEARN TO BURNING CROTCH WITHOUT STDS

>>21905232
You proceed to tear apart Stephanie and Matilda with your hands, your sword waifu (who needs a name, actually) and Sly the snake-head-dick. They scream in pain and terror as you slaughter them, but eventually they fall still. It feels so good to kill something with your sword waifu's assistance, and you are driven into a state of near-lust as you feed the chopped up women to your snake-head-dick and yourself.

Now full and contented, you pat your stomache, and look about. Only a few of the Gotgulla civillians seem shocked; most are still going about their business. Well, killing those two was definetely easier than helping them kill some guy.

Now what, Snakedick the Magnificient?

>>21905304
Transform what's left of them into dragon dildoes.

>>21905304
victory dance

>>21905304
Find the whoreses, eat them. They were food, afterall