Rolled 5

>>22613994
get some juice and master bate

Rolled 1

>>22613994
Become a magical girl.

>>22614020
You have obtained several liters of JUICE

You masturbate furiously. You have decided to do so on your balcony and you have drawn the ire of police for indecent exposure. They are knocking on your apartment door right now.

Wat Do

>>22613994
Mug the next door prostitute

Rolled 3

Rob a bank, we need to get some startup money going

Rolled 2

>>22614070
invite them in to join

Rolled 4

>>22614084
this

>>22614084
You leap off the balcony. With an acrobatic flip you land safely upon the ground. You are still naked.

You have a sudden yearning for cash and charge to the nearest bank. You threaten the tellers with your nakedness and successfully manage to amass a large quantity of MONEY.

The Police show up to arrest you but you escape them easily.

You are now known as the Bare Bottom Bandit

Rolled 1

>>22614142
Buy a shitload of tennis balls

Rolled 5

>>22614142
Wonderful. Let's go wave our manhood in front of the Mayor as a sign of how we're above the law.

Rolled 3

attempt to give a fuck

>>22614142
You run to the nearest tennis shop and purchase a large quantity of tennis balls. The clerk offers you a discount for your FEARSOME REPUTATION. You now only have a MONEY PUDDLE after your purchases.

You smell like new tennis balls.

Wat Do?

Rolled 5

>>22614199
Craft Tennis Plate armor

Rolled 1

>>22614199
use our balls to impregnate a nun

Rolled 4

Die in a horribly comical way.

>>22614220
You spend many hours at the local GYM forging a mighty set of armor. Your actions succeed far beyond what you expected and you manage to craft the legendary item WIMBLEDON PLATE. you don your new armor just as the sounds of sirens and screeching tires reaches your ears.

wat do?

>>22614246
YOU FOOL!

Rolled 4

>>22614252
>KILL THEM ALL, JOHNNY

Rolled 1

eat tennis balls become tennis ball-dispenserman

Rolled 1

>>22614259

I didn't even need to "win." That's a great jynx...

Do we get to restart?

>>22614252
Emboldened by your new armor you charge outside to face the police. They are not the police. They wear strange outfits and carry large spiked shields and halberds. You charge in a ferocious rage towards the nearest one and find yourself impaled upon the shaft of his halberd. Blood seeps from the wound as your WIMBLEDON PLATE shatters from the attack. Darkness seeps into your vision and you bleed out.

You have died.

Spawning new character please wait...

Rolled 2

>>22614330
Whenever we die, our new character becomes whoever killed us

Rolled 1

>>22614330
It is a 500 foot tall negro.

>>22614330
You are a 53 year old police officer, you will retire tomorrow in a grand ceremony. Today though you feel is a special day. Today is a day you can do whatever you want. You have your POLICE OUTFIT equiped and a GUN in you holster.

Wat Do?

Rolled 3

>>22614368
Propel ourself into space by shooting the ground.

Rolled 4

>>22614368
Go out and impale a guy in tennis ball armor.

Rolled 1

>>22614368

Shoot self in head.
respawn as loli.

>>22614368
You look up at the stars and realise you have wasted your life as a police officer. You always wanted to be an astronaut and Outer Space taunts your life decisions. You know what? You arn't taking Outer Space's shit any more, you may retire tomorrow but you are going to the moon today. You point your gun at the ground and ride the recoil up into space.

Wat do?

Rolled 2

>>22614439

Shoot self in head.
respawn as loli.

Rolled 1

>>22614439
Build moon base. With lasers.

>>22614452
Fuck you, we are building a moon base next life.

>>22614467

So long as it's a loli moon base.

File: 1358314774072.jpg-(32 KB, 500x375, archery what.jpg)

>>22614452
Does this mean we fail at shooting ourself in the head?

>>22614473
I can deal with that. We will be loli dracula.

>>22614476
man, i read that in his voice


comedy gold

>>22614476

It's a paradox of sorts, no?

Rolled 2

>>22614476
but we still die?

>>22614476
Does that mean we would've survived a shot to the head if we rolled an odd number?

>>22614452
You shoot yourself in the head, planning to spawn as a loli. Blood and brains spurt from the exit wound as though in slow motion. A cloud expanding into the cold void of space. the bullet spirals lazily towards the moon. You do not have time to realise the irony of your situation. You would have retired tomorrow if only you hadn't tried to attain your dreams.

you fail to respawn as a loli

Creating new Character Please wait.....

>>22614476
Well we still die in a needlessly cinematic way brought about by failing to shoot ourselves in the head. But I guess we fail at respawning as loli.

You are a noble folding chair. You work at a small school. You have served dutifully there for several months. Your wide back has supported the weight of principals and prodigies but today you are getting replaced. You have been placed on a truck to the ol' landfill and will arrive later in the day.

Wat Do?

Rolled 5

>>22614554
Gain sentience.

Rolled 4

>>22614554
Fly

Rolled 3

>>22614554
Reveal my final form!

Rolled 5

>>22614554
Lead a Revolution to overthrow the bipedal oppressors.

>>22614562
suddenly you realise the world around you. you...feel. All those months of people sitting on you. All those months of enjoying that honored position in the cafeteria. All those months of your life pop into clarity. You are a Chair and now, You are Pissed.

Your status has changed to ANGRY

You have been tossed heavily into a landfill.

Wat Do?

Rolled 1

Become a murderhobo by eating the flesh of hobos.

Rolled 1

>>22614608
Transform into a new kind of chair, one that stands for truth and justice, an auto-super-chair

Rolled 5

>>22614608
transform into a little girl

>>22614618
You quietly slip into the darkness of the landfill. If you have become the rejected of society you will embarace the position. No, you will go further. You will become that which stalks in the night, preying upon others who have been cast out.

A hobo wanders through the Landfill, picking through trash and rubbish. It begins to rain and he searches for some sort of cover. He does not notice the darkened frame lightened by a flash of lightning, not until it is too late. The chair devours the hobo leaving nothing but bones, some spatters of blood, and a well used shopping cart.

You have become MONSTEROUS

wat do?

Rolled 2

>>22614664
Fight A giant monster

Rolled 2

>>22614664
Lead a Revolution to overthrow the bipedal oppressors. Grant more chairs sentience so they may become our army

>>22614668
Your act has desecrated the sacred ground of the landfill. By poisoning the ground with the blood of hobos you have angered the great trash spirit.

A great avatar of trash rises from the graveyard, angry and intense. You are not afraid, you are the monster in the dark. You are the terror in the night. You are the Folding Chair that haunts the nightmares of young children. You face it bravely.

Alas you forget, you are only a chair. As you are torn asunder by large hands you can only think back to your days at the school, wondering when things went so horribly wrong.

You are DEAD

Creating new character please wait...

>>22614668

Damnit, That could've gotten good...

You are a lowly wizards apprentice. You have been left alone in his CASTLE OF MYSTICAL THINGS, while he explored the land in search of MYSTICAL THINGS. You could get up to so much trouble with the magical nick nacks lying around this cold stone fortress. Or you could do as you are told and wash all the floors but where is the fun in that?

Rolled 1

>>22614766
Acquire magical fleshlight.

Rolled 5

>>22614766
Gather trinkets. Murder master. Become Master

Rolled 5

>>22614766
Go oil up the hot bitches.

>>22614766
You sneak up to the master's room. This is where he keeps all of his greatest magical treasures. The door is sealed with magic, but you are a clever apprentice and soon slip through his wards. Inside you see many wonders of magical power but one catches your eye. It is a simple flashlight upon the Old Wizard's bedpost. Nay, It is not just a flashlight, for when you remove the top you see within the fair lips of a woman's sex. Oh what you could do with a toy such as this. You casually slip it into your pocket.

You have obtained a MAGICAL FLESHLIGHT

Wat Do?

Rolled 3

Open one of our six mouths, and sing the song that ends the world.

Rolled 5

>>22614819
Become the littledickgirl.

Rolled 5

>>22614819

Magic the mops to wash the floors for us.

Rolled 4

>>22614821
Oh god.

Rolled 2

Ok everyone, now this is going to sound crazy... but...

I make warhammer 40k have a coherent plot and progression.

>>22614888
You worked yourself to death in the process, and in the end it was in vain.

Rolled 4

Gain the ability to reroll any even rolls.

Rolled 2

>>22614888
NIGGA THAT'S TOO MUCH

>>22614904
The dice, say no.

>>22614821
You suddenly have six mouths.
You gain the MONSTEROUS attribute.

The discovery of the toy stirs something within you. Though you have been told time and time again never to sing you feel a merry tune welling up within you.

What expells from your lips is not a merry tune, but one of darkness and destruction. You sing the very words to end life and you feel the powerful energies upon your lips. The tower shakes and begins to topple but you suddenly don't care.

An old wizard charges up the hill nearby. You vaguely remember him as your old master. He shouts several words and waves his arms. You bat him away like a fly and continue your work. Spell after spell leaves your mouth in the form of notes. The ground quakes, rivers and streams go dry. Birds cry out in shrill calls and the screams of people being deconstructed harmonizes well with your melody.

When it finishes you return to yourself. You float in an empty void. You feel so alone, you miss your master. You feel the toy in oyur pocket and can't help but seek solace in it.

Nice Job Breaking it Hero.

wat Do?

Rolled 4

Activate magic fleshlight, it becomes Fleshlightsaber, Go on a penis based rampage in nearest brothel.

Rolled 4

>>22614910
Fuck.
Could've been great.

>>22614929

And we die

Rolled 3

>>22614922
Punch the void and create an new existance.

Rolled 5

>>22614922
Jerk it.

Rolled 3

>>22614922
Slip tentacle in it, fuck it Jap style. Cum an entire galaxy.

>>22614922
You magically turn on the fleshlight and a saber of pure energy emerges from the lips. You contemplate proceding on a rampage of some mythical clime....but the lips call to you. Despite the deadly beam of energy emerging from them you just can't resist. The first push of pleasure is mirrored by an unbearable pain. You and your 6 mouths of destruction disintigrate, leaving a dark void, empty but for a deadly sex toy.

You have DIED

Loading New Character Templates Please Wait....

You are a humble Toymaker. Your latest creation (The Megabounce Entertainment Orb) has been discontinued by your corporate overlords. You have sunk into a deep depression. Anything is possible in this pit of misery.

Wat Do?

Rolled 1

Unlock our psionic potential.

Rolled 5

>>22615044
make a sandwich

OP, I just want you to know, this is the best thread on /tg/ right now.

Rolled 5

become a quiche

>>22615045
Your shame and depression turns to anger and rage. Things begin to float around you. A rush of vitality enters your system. You feel the world spinning around you and you know things no man should ever know. Your perspective snaps back into your own and you know what you must do. Your box of prototypes spills out upon your desk as if tipped by an invisible hand. The orbs of rubber rise around your head creating a halo of your designs. This is a halo of doom, it is the halo of revenge.

You walk towards the steps that will lead up from the basement level. Your overlords are just a few floors above you, close enough. You smile.

You have gained PSIONIC INSANITY

Wat DO?

Rolled 3

>>22615112
Punch EVERYTHING. Become the God of Punching.

Rolled 5

gather all previous characters together and become a crime fighting league of justice

Rolled 1

Merge all human consciousness.

>>22615114

I expect some kind of Asura/Buddha of fists equivalent to this...

>>22615114
As you rise from your humble workplace you get a strange urge. A man walks through the doors of the lobby and your fist is suddenly drawn to his face. He falls to the floor with a loud *SMACK*. You giggle with delight. The energy grows ever more persistant and you begin punching things. The secretary at the desk, the desk, the potted plant. Anything you can get your hands on. You eventually begin punching things using your psychic powers. Thousands of invisable fists pummel the ground around you. You ascend the stairs to the top of the building, beating down every executive you see.

At the top a figure sat upon a great throne. He looked down upon you as though you were a gnat. He asked "Who dares bother the god of toys" you reply simply. "The God Of Hit!" Your punches bring him to his knees. Just before the final blow he whispers one word. "why?" You do not answer. You are consumed with PUNCH, you hit him and send him carreening down through the levels of his mighty skyscraper and into the basement where he belongs. You have ascended.

You are now GODLY.

wat do?

Rolled 4

Impregnate every woman on earth with our demigod baby. Including pregnant women.

Rolled 1

>>22615192
Locate worshipers

>>22615194
and we bite the dust once more

>>22615192
You feel your punching must be passed on. Demigods must be made. Your offspring must populate the world! You speed to the nearest brothel and fuck ALL the whores. You are a god, you can't get sick anymore, this is absolutely safe right? Wrong, Dead Wrong. As you go to impregnate the last whore you feel a dark force enter her, you recognize it, a force you had encountered earlier that very day. You feel your body shudder and shrink, becoming emaciated and sickly. The Goddess of disease ascends, drinking your sweet vitality. Your vision clouds and you die in agonising pain, destroyed by thousands of hungry bacteria and viruses.

You Are DEAD

Drawing New Sprites Please Wait....

Rolled 2

>>22615125
so close.

You are Simple Songbird. Your only wish in the world is to sing from your beautiful home in your tree. Unfortunately Cranky Fox lives quite near and will do whatever it takes to stop your performances. The show must go on!

Wat Do?

Rolled 4

>>22615291
Conquer the galaxy.

Rolled 2

>>22615291
Get buff.

Rolled 4

>>22615294
Well, that was fast.

File: 1358317961743.gif-(1.28 MB, 272x204, Cheeese.gif)

>>22615294
For some reason I can't stop laughing.

>>22615294
You turn your passion from singing to conquest. You dream of flying over your army, delivering swift and powerful justice to your foes. You yearn to see your enemies driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women. You can see it all, every step in your glorious conquest of the universe.

Unfortunately it is all cut short as your small frame plummets down Cranky Fox's esophagus.

You have DIED

Respawning in 3...2...1...

You are a brave starship pilot with dreams of captaining your own ship. You have been deployed to the planet beta-5 and will soon face Hostile Xenobiological entities. You have faith that your megablastercannons will see you through though.

Wat Do?

Rolled 3

>>22615352
Do Nothing

Rolled 2

Assemble the previous characters. Form league of extraordinary gentlemen.

Rolled 1

>>22615352
Fuck all the aliens. All of them.

>>22615358
You float in space, you do nothing.

Crys for help stream from your radio as something huge crashes through a nearby capital ship. You float through space, uncaring, apathetic. The constant Chatter from your comms irritates you, but you don't care enough to act. You see dark clouds swirl over the planet as the aliens eat through it. Your fleet is disintigrated by the creatures, but for some reason they leave you alone.

You are promoted to Starship Captain for surviving the battle.

You are now a CAPTAIN

wat do?

Rolled 3

Become rogue trader.

>>22615428
Once given command you quickly take control. Your ship leaves dock with no orders and seeks its own path. You become a successful pirate, hunting through the outer colonies, destroying any ship that dares threaten your authority over your hunting ground. You become wealthy and your ship becomes grand and opulent.

Wat Do?

Rolled 3

>>22615479

Retire

>>22615485
You settle down on a quiet little planet. You hang up your wings for good. You find a wife, have children. You are too old for the pirate life, but every so often you look up at the stars and think back to your adventuring days. It brings a smile to your lips. Then the missus calls you back in for dinner and you sit down to a fine feast. You eat like kings though you live in a rural backwater settlement. You are after all, a rich retired Pirate king. Then one day you hear the sound of ship engines and a knock graces your door. When you open it you find the sunken eyes of the famed lawman Cerrosol Slick staring into your own.

Wat Do?

Rolled 3

>>22615534
Get shit faced drunk, murder everyone.

Rolled 3

>>22615534
vaporize him, continue with life.

>>22615546
You need a drink, You slam the door on the Lawman's face. He catches up to you in your Booze Stash, drunk to the gills and ready to fight. You rip out his heart with a swift punch and he sinks to the ground. You feel a bloodlust growing inside you. Noone and nothing is safe. You stomp up the stairs, they try to flee, the people. You can't really tell who they are, their forms are blurred, all you know is the anger, the fear, the rage. A tall figure keeps trying to tell you something but you rip it apart. Smaller figures flee from behind its corpse and you chase them down. Leaving the bloodstained walls of your abode you seek solace (and more targets) in the nearby town. When you leave the roads are red and sticky.

You find a ship eventually. You paint it red with the previous crew. You fly it alone into space. Death will follow you wherever you go.

You have gained the AVATAR OF DEATH attribute

Wat Do?

Rolled 5

>>22615609
Bring family back to life to help with the workload.

Rolled 5

Fly into the heart of the star and sleep (or die)

>>22615624
You fly back to the old farmstead. A few little chants are all that's required to bring your family back to life. Your wife is in pieces about the whole deal, but you are sure she'll pull herself together. She'll need to if she'll be any help at all. You have alot of work to do securing dead men's treasures. Your children are happy to see you again. Though they look a bit paler and skinnier than you remember. They easily load your new belongings into the ship and you set off.

Wat Do?

Rolled 4

>>22615658
Start an undead pirate army

Rolled 4

>>22615658
>>22615658
Spread the jews of death to a universe.

>>22615664
You raid a mighty Capital Ship with your family, Every man you kill gets a chant and returns. Unfortunately they seem hungry, specifically for your flesh. One manages to bite you before you can kill it. You feel woozy and your vision blurs and warps before you fall upon the deck of the ship, dead.

Old Spacefarers tell tales of ships manned by dead men, sailing eternally through the dark void of space, ever hungry for their next meal, ever searching for their next victims. but those are just stories right?

ALERT 1 Life Left....Respawn?

Rolled 3

>>22615664
>>22615667
Goddammit.

Rolled 2

>>22615706
Respawn. Break the fourth wall, and persuade OP to write the next update in rhyming iambic pentameter.

Rolled 3

Respawn, then Challenge Cthulhu to a staring contest.

Rolled 1

>>22615710
What... just happened?

>>22615714
The OP is no Poet, but you already know that because you are him. You are a young man sitting infront of a computer. You are typing things into the computer and people are responding to your posts. This gives you a sense of accomplishment. You feel so popular.

wat do?

Rolled 1

Rolling to determine if I automatically when all of the next OP-designed passages.

Rolled 5

>>22615710
>Respawn?
>Goddammit.

I don't even

Rolled 4

>>22615751
Die.

Rolled 2

>>22615753
FUCK WIN NOT WHEN JESUS CRHIST!

Rolled 1

>>22615751
Masturbate furiously to my posts. Write a catgirl rape quest.

>>22615753
???" what does this even mean" you ask yourself. But you reply to it anyways and something happens. You hear an odd pounding outside your house.

Wat Do?

Rolled 1

>>22615776
Die.

Rolled 1

>>22615776
Drop pantaloons.

Rolled 5

>>22615776
Go out to check.

Rolled 2

>>22615776
Become a rock.

>inb4 OP's dead

>>22615780
You decide to die. This is done in a dramatic and drawn out fashion as you enjoy greatly. You give a pretty great monologue as you die. It's freaking awesome. You would know, you wrote it yourself. You describe your death in gory detail as it happens. You describe your hair Falling out and your eyes watering and drying up. The Clammy hands that grip the keyboard and the sound of your death rattle as youarhhgghgghhsphnbfkjafh......

You have DIED

Spectacularly too.

IF you wish to continue playing turn the disc over to side B and insert 42 credits into the credit acceptment slot.

Your Stats
Characters Killed: 6
OPs Killed:1
Worlds Conquered: 0
Times Pleasured: 14
Gods Killed: 2
Undead Armies Raised: 1
Grim Dark Endings Achieved: Many
Apathy Unleashed: Meh
Nakedness Counter: 5/12

Thank You For Playing Succeed Or Die, Play Again Soon.

Rolled 3

>>22615872
>not maxed out nakedness
ROUND TWO START

>>22615872
Damn it! Right when I join

>>22615889
If you would like to play again, please specify Parameters and follow the instructions on the previous Screen.

>>22615909
A new Universe will be constructed for your gaming pleasure and the Game will begin again.

Rolled 3

>>22615872
I make a sandwich so great that even a bight will cause instant orgasms for everyone within a hundred thousand lightyears.

Rolled 2

>>22615909
FUCKING SHOVE THAT SHIT IN THERE AND SWITCH DISCS

Rolled 5

Turn disc over to side E and insert 4A3C credits into the slot.

dice 1d5
>>22615909
Turns disk and inserts 42 credits while kicking the machine

Rolled 3

>>22615909
Turn disc to side B, insert 43 credits.
Laugh evilly.

Rolled 1

Place 42 credits in disc compartment and insert disc into credit acceptment slot.

>>22615932
>>22615926
>>22615934
>>22615943
>>22615926
Ritual Complete, PArameters AcCepTEd.....World Construction initiated....Summoning New OP.....Creating Gods.....Creating PCs.....Kickstarting World.....

Rolled 1

>>22615980
Run Strike_Witches_Quest.exe

The Rules are simple. for each action roll a d5. if you roll an odd number your character succeeds in the action no matter how outlandish. If you roll an even number your character dies In a needlessly Cinimatic way

Parameter Accepted: Sandwich

Launching Game.exe...

You are a lowly Stable Boy, You have dropped your sandwich down the drain near the stables and are now SAD. This is a bad day for you. Will it get worse or better?

Rolled 4

>>22616017
Make new sandvich

Rolled 5

>>22616017
Find wench, force her to make another.

Rolled 4

>>22616017
Woo the lord's daughter

>>22616027
we are not a smart stable boy

>>22616017
You go inside to craft a new sandwhich. You complete your marvelous sandwhich. It is a beauty, it is stacked with meat and cheese in a beautiful combination that is just stunning for the eye to behold. You chow down. You get this strange feeling as you eat the sandwhich, you look down still munching away. Your feet are missing. As you take another bite you see another part of yourself dissapear. You are gradually eating YOURSELF! But you can't stop! eventually the last bite beckens your lone mouth, and with one solitary CHOMP you finish yourself off.

Achievement Unlocked: DELICIOUS

YOU ARE DEAD

Summoning New Sandwhich Maker....

Rolled 3

>>22616075
I was worth every bite

>>22616075
You are a small shop owner named PROVALONE. You are very proud of your name. You are also proud to stock SANDWHICHES, though all of your stock seems to be going bad. Except for the Dwarf Bread Battle Baguettes of course. Those last forever. The Landlord has entered your shop. He does not look happy.

Wat Do?

Rolled 2

>>22616104
Open dev console.
>sv_cheats 1
>god 1
>no_fourth_wall 1
>map_MGNQ_73

Rolled 4

>>22616104
Make him a sandwich

>>22616027
Your day has become worse.

>>22616109
You Quickly open the Cheats Menu, this time you will have enough money to pay the Landlord, or maybe you will make yourself invincible and take him down. As you deliberate over the best method of combat, a dark shadow is cast over your back. You turn and see a System Admin walking into your shop, he does not look happy. You beg for forgiveness but he will not listen. He hits you with the BAN BAGUETTE and completely erases you from the world.

Achievement Unlocked: BANLOGNA

You have DIED

Loading New Delicatessen Archetype....

You are a brave Farmer with a MILL. You rule over your fields with an Iron Fist and crush Wheat's Souls to make your bread. Which you make into fancy deli sandwhiches and sell at the market each fall. The other farmers always taunt you about your SMALL TOOLS. They are pretty much the greatest assholes you know. You wish you could get revenge on them, but how?

You are Wearing Overalls.

Wat Do?

Rolled 3

achieve gayness

Rolled 3

>>22616193
Show them my BIG TOOL in my pants

>>22616209
You Achieve Gayness. You Achieve Gayness all over their FACES. That day you pranced Gaily through their fields, happily singing the songs of your people. When night fell.....you did other things. The other farmers no longer taunt you about the size of your tools. Their faces turn red whenever your tools are mentioned or when they see you working in your fields. This has given you an amazing sense of empowerment. It just goes to show, The best way to solve your problems is to Fuck Em.

Achievement Unlocked: GAYNESS

You are Wearing HEAVILY WORN OVERALLS

Wat Do?

Rolled 1

>>22616258
Rape the other farmers' children in front of them, all of them, make all the children enjoy the experience while their parents look on in horror. Then make some bread and eat it.

Rolled 3

>>22616258

Make a sandwich

Rolled 5

>>22616270
die

>>22616270
You Easily acomplish REDACTED. The REDACTED of their REDACTED roll through the town as REDACTED prance around REDACTED REDACTED. When it is over you REDACTED REDACTED all over their REDACTED faces. And the Children shouted with joy whenever you walked by. Of course their parents were quite REDACTED and later that night REDACTED their REDACTED and REDACTED.

As you can see, everyone learned a great lesson about friendship and togetherness and community and shit. And though several dozen REDACTED got REDACTED, Everything was the better for it. The End.

Achievement Unlocked: GOVERNMENT INTERVENTION
Achievement Unlocked: UNSPEAKABLE HORROR

You are wearing RIPPED OVERALLS

Wat Do?

Rolled 4

>>22616327
Become the hero /tg/ needs.

>>22616334
looks like we're becoming an hero instead.

Rolled 1

>>22616350
Heheheh

>>22616334
You bravely decide to step into the great shoes of heroism. You want to be a hero. The hero /tg/ needs but doesn't want. The shoes are pretty damn big, you don't know how you are going to fill them. And then it hits you. BREAD. You fill the shoes with bread and step down into them. The bread filled shoes suck at your feet and you discover your big mistake. YOU CREATED A FOOT SANDWHICH! Neckbearded Fa/tg/uys are suddenly drawn to you, like flies to a rotting carcass. You try to ward them off with your Gayness but they seem to be immune some how. Their maws open wide and the last chance for peace in /tg/ is devoured on rye with a sprig of parsely.

Achievement Unlocked: DEVOURED BY RAVENOUS BEASTS

You Are DEAD

Rolling up New Bard....

You are a fighter. You hit things with a sword. That is the entirety of your personality. There is a Dragon in front of you. You tried hitting it with your sword but it didn't work. Time to get creative....

wat do?

Rolled 2

>>22616439
Use the arm.

Rolled 1

>>22616439
Hit it harder

Rolled 2

>>22616439

Hit our sword with the dragon

Rolled 4

>>22616445
>not rolling to pin

Rolled 4

>>22616439
>wat do
a dragon, of course.

>>22616445
You use The Arm, Your sword glows with magical power and grows more swords out of it. You are now holding THE SWORD OF SWORDS OF SWORDS. You swing forward with your mighty sword arm, but the weight if the Legendary Weapon shatters your arm. The Dragon lifts you up and decides to eat you between two fat princesses. You feel this makes up for the dying part a bit.

Achievement Unlocked: THREESOME

YOU ARE DEAD

Searching For New Test Subjects.....

File: 1358323243990.jpg-(45 KB, 550x462, 1357102159371.jpg)

My sides. Gone. Need them back.

File: 1358323302271.jpg-(17 KB, 186x271, laughing is patented.jpg)

>>22616491

File: 1358323352403.jpg-(169 KB, 895x920, They're blasting off.jpg)

Rolled 5

>>22616491

You are AGENT 63. I fine example of Nutella and Peanut Butter on Wheat. You are Crunchy and full of Texture, yet smooth and creamy at the same time. No villian can stand before your awesome combination of flavors. Though many have tried. You have recently been TOASTED, but you managed to escape without getting burned.

Wat Do?

Rolled 5

>>22616521
Become God of All

Rolled 4

>>22616521
Grow a neckbear

Rolled 1

>>22616521
Become even tastier

Rolled 1

>>22616521
become My Little Pony fan #1. Start a cult. Salivate all over Pinkie Pie figurines.

>>22616521
Become Lord High Monk

Rolled 4

>>22616521
Save your brother that's been toasted with you.

>>22616532
You find yourself in the laire of Baron Von Anchovie, He is surprised you are alive. "You won't escape this time" he says dramatically, "Only a GOD could escape my death trap". "Turns out, I'm a God" You say turning the dramatic tension knob to 12. "A God of WHAT Might I ask" The Fishy Baron queries. "EVERYTHING", your shout calls the roof upon his head as you ascend into the sky, holding tight to your domain of all things. The world is going to be pretty damn awesome under your direction. You will make sure of that.

Achievement Unlocked: NO, I EXPECT YOU TO ARRRG

wat do?

Rolled 2

>>22616596
drown in tasty smegma

>>22616600
So if we fail to drown, dont we survive?

Or is it just not tasty?

>>22616600
You ascend into godhood and the world prospers under your direction. The sheer joy radiating off the planet is almost to bright to look directly at. You do anyways because you are a god so fuck blindness. The Sandwiches in your happy world begin to build you a statue, just as the last brick is placed on top, the world shifts and warps. You find yourself in a pool of some thick liquid. You can hear the baron's fishy laugh as the substance floods into your lungs and your vision melts away into nothing.

Achievement Unlocked: FISH RUINS EVERYTHING

YOU HAVE DIED

Hunting new applicant.....

Rolled 4

>>22616670
Lets try starting as the grim reaper this time

You are a little light glowing in the darkness. Grow little light, some day you might be bright enough to light the world.

Wat Do?

>>22616687
>HAHA NICE TRY FUCKNUTS BUT THAT SHIT AIN'T HAPPENING NOW GET IN THE BAG

Rolled 1

become GLaDoS... for SCIENCE

Rolled 5

>>22616687

We've already become the avatar of death once

>>22616698
Glow until we blot out EVERYTHING

>>22616698
You are GLaDos because SCIENCE! you recognise the light as your worthless MORALITY CORE, if only someone would remove this terrible thing so you could get on with your life.

You feel a strange urge to....TEST!

wat do?

Rolled 3

>>22616728

TEST

Rolled 1

>>22616728
Become the Lord High Monk of the Loli Nation

>>22616731
YOU SHALL TEST.

Big Test, small test HUGE TEST, Tricky Test. Ruby Test, Rock Test, Kara Test, Blood Test, Succeed or Fail Test. You make so many goddamn tests it is unbelievable. You are very proud of yourself. But those monkeys in the orange test suits are catching on. Best give them another shot of 'reality' before they become too wise.

wat do?

Rolled 3

>>22616759
Riverdance a river away.

>>22616769
You set the test subjects up in a line. This is a special test. The Aperature Security Turrets are lowered into the testing chamber, this will be quite a show, and oh will it scratch that testing itch. The turrets activate. DANCE! RIVERDANCE AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Achievement Unlocked: ARTIFICIAL INSANITY

Wat Do?

Rolled 3

>>22616795
Sing, make them sing along with us.

Rolled 1

find nearest mute lunatik and create a clone army for more tests

>>22616795
Lose sentiens and the ability to make choices

>>22616815
wow, I even forgot to roll. saving that for a later one.

Rolled 5

>>22616824
Happens to the best of us.

>>22616806
You begin to sing, it's embarrassing, but successful testing always brings it out in you. You notice the subjects are not singing. This makes you angry. You throw radios at them, you take away their companion cubes, you shout at them and call them names. They shakily start to sing. Ahhh, Music to your ears.

YOu ar## Insan2221# Wha34434$

Wa( D#??!/

Rolled 2

>>22616838
Betting contest with AM and Friend Computer

Rolled 3

Begin calculating the end of the world

>>22616844
inb4 HAL kills us for leaving him out

Rolled 4

>>22616855
That was kinda douchey of us.

>>22616844
It's time to make your BE#3##s YOu Begin^7554#@ ERROR #42112121 ALERT ALERT. SYSTEM MELTDOWN IMMINENT. WARNING SUCCEED OR DIE TEST IS HIGHLY TOXIC AND DESTRUCTION OF MAY CAUSE PAIN OR HORRIFICALLY DISABLING DISEASES. CURRENT MELTDOWN IS CLASSED:UNAVOIDABLE AND HAS BEEN CAUSED BY OVERUSE OF SYSTEM, SHH4#$##@@#@@@2

Congragulations, Your Succeed Or Die Quest Entertainment System has exploded. This means you can get GREAT DEALS on other aperature science products, assuming you survive the high energy explosion and radiation levels.

Enjoy this coupon for buy one get one free for any of our patented merchandise.

Thank you for playing

YOU HAVE DIED

THIS IS THE END, THERE IS NO RETURN.

Simplified Stats

Shit Done: Alot
Nakedness Counter: 3/12

The end, Thank you for playing....

>>22616916
>3/12
We need to prioritize better.

>>22616929
Indeed you do. Sorry for ending it like this, but I am exhausted, you guys have worn me out. Hope you enjoyed the quests and hope to do this again someday.

This was Fun

Thank you for playing.

Anyone else feel like continuing the insanity?

Rolled 1

>>22616954
No problem. See you again someday OP

Goodnight guys

Oh, and feel free to make your own succeed or die quests if you want, It's a fun test of your improvisational writing skills.

>>22616954
Thanks for the thread!

I like this thread.
Anyone willing to continue? Because I got a hankering for writing all of a sudden.
Continue? Y/N (roll 1d5)

You are a bacteria. All you know is that the place is warm, and has enough bacterial food for you to live forever.
Wat do?

Rolled 5

>>22617091
LET'S GO

>>22617129
character pregenerated
>>22617128

Rolled 4

Y

Rolled 5

>>22617128
Become a dinosaur. Build dinosaur army. Begin your reign as warlord.

>>22617174
Life as a bacteria is enjoyable, but you desire... more. With the will of a thousand suns, you multiplied and evolved, consuming all pssible bacterial food around you...
and in the end you are the Tyrant Lizard. You have all of the other dinosaurs, your progenitors, bowing before you.
You are now Emperor of Dinokind. And your first order to your people, is to expand and subjugate everything that is not Dino.

What next?

Rolled 5

>>22617211
Go buy a hardhat its dangerous out there!

Rolled 3

>>22617211
SCIENCE

Being a tyrand dino is not enough, we need cyborg dinos with laser cannons and mechanical limbs, and ARMY of them.

>>22617240
tyrant*
an*

Meh

>>22617233
>>22617240
An Emperor needs to have a headwear that matches his emperorness. You currently do not have this. While the majority of your Dino legions are off going to war, you order the smart ones to research headwear! Through plenty of research, they have managed to create the perfect headress for you; A hardhat crown!
And as a side effect they also found lasers and cybernetics as well.
Now you have a legion of Techdinos augmenting the wardinos.
What next, your tyrantness?

Rolled 1

>>22617301
Accidently a whole castle.

Rolled 2

>>22617301
Pillage and rape. poison the women, burn the water, rape the houses of anything not dinosaur.

Rape the men too just to be sure.

Rolled 1

>>22617301
Change the light bulb the old one has stopped working.

>>22617336
Just chilling out in your dinothrone is getting kinda boring, and so you lift your emperorly tail off the throne and inspect the front lines. As you were speaking to the general you felt a crunch underneath, then your troops are cheering. Turns out you have crushed the castle of the termite empire, and broke the weeks-long siege.
The termite queen begs for forgiveness, she will do anything to spare her queendom.
Wat do?
Wat do?

Rolled 5

>>22617423
NUCLEAR POWERED TERMITE DEATH ARMOR!

Rolled 5

>>22617423
Trial by champion for control of the termite kingdom.

>>22617433
>>22617443
You decide the termite queen must duel you in a contest of might!
...and as predicted, you won by flicking her with your pinky. And T Rex don't have much upper body strength. Sheeit.
So the termite queen is subjugated, along with her queendom, and you demanded her to make a nuclear powered termite death armor! The queen is shocked, how could you know the one superweapon they were developing? You say that all is within the eye of the Tyrant Lizard.

So yeah, you have a sweet-ass armor now.
Wat do next?

Rolled 2

>>22617513
Have sex with her. Then move onto the next kingdom.

>>22617526
You demand to have your way with her, but she refuses. You easily bowl her guards over, and remind her who won the contest of might. As you bed her, you hear rustling from high above...
The meteor is here.
You died. The Dino Empire dies with you.

Generating new meteors...

>>22617589
You are a mighty asteroid, currently chilling in your orbit of between Jupiter and Mars. It's a bit crowded here, what with all the siblings you got.
Wat do?

Rolled 2

>>22617600
Break the fourth wall and punch the writer until he writes all subsequent posts for the next hour in trochaic tetrameter.

Rolled 4

>>22617600
Fuck on off to Andromeda.

>>22617608
You think it's bad enough to live bumping to your own mother for the rest of eternity, that you went and tried to punch and break through the fourth wall, and get the writer to do absurd things. But guess what, the writer got plot armor seven sequels thick!
You get deflected to Earth and burn up in the atmosphere before accidentally did a double genocide on the dino and termite civilizations.

regenesis commencing...

>>22617654
You are a little girl reading about the history of earth in school. You get to the part where the meteor killed every dinosaur, before you noticed the school bullies already surrounding you.
"Where's your lunch money, neeerd?"
Wat do?

Rolled 2

>>22617677
Show them your penis.

>>22617694
You try to man up and show some balls (and penis), but you realize you are a girl after all, after dropping your pants.
As the bullies try to gangbang you a schoolbus drove in and exploded, killing you and the bullies.
Generating new disease vectors...

Rolled 1

>>22617715
Jesus, how gruesome.

>>22617715
It is ten minutes into the future, and you are a fresh clone from the vats. As you shiver you notice that you are actually not supposed to be born right now. At least that's what the console next to your vat said.
Wat do?

Rolled 4

Become batman

>>22617723
You try to get out of this place and become the one thing your mind is programmed to do: be the night and fight crime. Unfortunately only the unbudgeable vats seem to exist, and no exit at all.
You die starving, unable to pry the shell of the nearest vat.
Generating composite lunar arrays...

>>22617736
You are the CEO of a major megacorporation in charge of making consumer clones. As it stands, you are also secretly a member of a worldwide Illuminati cabal. And they're calling for a meeting now.
Wat do?

Rolled 4

>>22617736
Wow, we can not live today.

Rolled 1

Life a full and happy life, and get control back on a deathbed

>>22617755
Your meeting goes well, and you secure the deal to make cloned soldiers to take over the world. You live the rest of your life advancing through the Illuminati ranks, becoming the trusted advisor to the Forever King. But even rejuvenating drugs have their limit, and you are placed in a mobile deathbed, which preserves your life.
Even in death, you still serve the Forever King.
Wat do?

>>22617754
So... Does that mean we fail at dying?

Rolled 5

Smoke all drugs in the world at once and achieve ultimate high

>>22617783
and oh, this also goes with >>22617754
since it involves you dying

Rolled 5

>>22617783
I wonder if we can time travel

>>22617803
What luck, the technicians installed a prototype time travel device in your walking deathbed. You push the big red button and away you goooo

You are now in a nondescript city, and you have just saw a man running naked with wads of cash cradled in his arms. The naked man is running out of a bank.
Wat do?

Rolled 4

Go to wh40k universe and kick Khorne in the balls with a force of a thousand suns

>>22617788
Oh yeah, it seems like the time travel requires you to smoke all drugs in the world. So yeah. You are not sure if the naked man is your hallucination.

>>22617836
You try to push the big red button again, but without the drugs to fuel your time travel you are forced into the downer of all downers. Your life support fails at this critical moment and you are finally released into the embrace of death, who welcomes you with a big burlap sack.
"Took your time, faggot. Now get in the bag."
Generating a person who is not in the bag...

>>22617861
You are a burlap sack lying on the road in 1500s Balkans. Nobody seems to know where you come from.
Wat do?

Rolled 3

Force OP to draw a cute kitten wearing Commisar outfit

Rolled 5

Exterminate ALL the catgirls.

>>22617875
>>22617878
You force a passing Serbian peasant to draw a cute kitten wearing a comissar outfit. Horrified by a magic talking bag, the peasant complied and drew a crude drawing of a kitten. You then direct him to exterminate all 'catgirls', but the peasant seem to not know what a 'catgirl' is.
Wat do?

Rolled 1

>>22617898
You piece of shit, where is my kitten? You know what, fuck you, I'll draw it myself.

Rolled 3

>>22617898
create a race of catgirls.
THEN exterminate them.