>>23742138
Ok, I'll say it again, I just woke up with the worst damn hangover after getting drunk on basilisk venom moonshine. I take a peak topside, and find out vampires took over Florida while I was sleeping it off. So, can someone please tell me what the shit happened before I get stabby?

>>23742138
>Florida is a graveyard

You say this like that's not true everywhere.

>>23742165
I'm not quite sure
but an angel destroyed an entire town
and pallitards are waging a war with the bloodsuckers

>>23742179
>23742179
except vampires

Ever see a troll?
damn things are terrifying

hmmm

>florida is a graveyard

Why you gotta be like that?

>>23742277
cause it has nothing but pallitards and vampires
much like a graveyard

>>23742214
...really? I've met a few trolls in my time. Nice fellahs, but grumpy drunks.

>>23742298
yeah
the one I met
angry as fuck drunk

So my fellow eloquen/tg/oblins. I need your advice. There's an elf chick at work who I'm pretty sure has an interest in me.

What are the signs?
And is only being half elf going to ruin my chances?
I know most of the world goes for the kinkier races but im sure someone here can help.

>>23742345
be yourself
but with extra elf thrown in

>Be a police officer
>Get payed by the government to sit on my ass

The only crime the fucking happens now is demonic shit, and usually either the bums or the palitards have already fucked it sideways. If they can't fuck it sideways, the real paladins show up.

The only shit we do now is give tickets and arrest the palitards when they attack people.

It's a sad existence.

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>>23742214
I saw a troll. The only terrifying thing about her was the boner she inspired.

>>23742384
have you thought about becoming a bum

>>23742378
So like cast a glamour or something. Shine my ears?

What if I make a fool of myself. I won't be able so show my face for years

>>23742395
Yeah
I saw a troll
her boner was horrifying

>>23742408
then you get another flame
or become a bum'
everyone wants the bum dick

hmm

>>23742405
And face the beasts in the sewers?! Fuck that!

Sometimes I wish that that anti-palitards were larger, that way I could have more shit to do and people wouldn't see me as the "bad guy" when I stop a palitard from killing an elf woman for existing.

Feel sorry for you guys. Over in England it's mostly forests and adventurers. We get the occasional litch or undead uprising, but things aren't as bad as Florida or Spain. It's a suprise really given France is right next door.

Also. Troll women in bed are a beauty to behold.

It's not that bad everywhere. Here in Canada the RCMP(Royal Canadian Mounted Paladins) quickly stop any monster, mystic, or human troublemakers. In Nunavut some neckbiters tried the 30 days of night shit, they killed an entire town in a week. Then the cavalry rode in, some poor survivor had his phone out and recorded the battle. There's nothing like seeing a platoon of mounties in their red armour and wide brimmed helmets run down some criminal scum with their maple lances.

>>23742408
Don't do anything real crazy, just be a cool dude. Most elves go for the same things as everyone else, plus a little bit more animal rights and the long view. Don't, repeat, don't, go overboard on the ears thing, they're like a big sexual symbol to them so don't poke, jab, make fun of, or eat until you're already dating at LEAST.
Make sure she's not like really old, though. Elves at about the 750-ish mark are often still pretty racist against half-elves, so she might just be sizing you up for hate crimes. Unlikely, I might add.

>>23742485
You could become a wizard
or launch a anti pallitard campaign

>>23742439
Don't think my family would appreciate that. Well my mums side won't. There proper elven traditionalists. I do admire the hobo life

>>23742408
>>23742439
It's true. I don't even have a dick and I'm up to my knees in women trying to get into my catoblepas leather pants.

File: 1363567401040.gif-(1.71 MB, 640x360, elf.gif)

1.71 MB GIF

go to 1d4chan page
elves are sorted under dicks

>>23742547
except becoming one is dangerous as all ever loving fuuuck

>>23742548
impressive

>>23742526
Main thing is how do I know she's into me? My mum keeps saying 90 is too young for a relationship. And any advise she does give is cryptic bull. I'd ask my father but he has sadly long passed

>>23742527
And go back to college? No way, not after last time.

And I'm not evil, I won't start an anti-palidin campaign

>>23742605
hire a necromancer to raise his soul

>>23742439

Have you heard the legend of the Female Sewer Bums, women so awesome the Sewer Bums hide them away from the eyes of outsiders?

>>23742571

Oh yeah, I did that.
Because that's what Elves usually are.

>>23742620
I mean anti pallitard
keep pallitards out of our townc

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>>23742571
Because that's what they want, right?

Well I found out what the Time Keeper was here for. The bad news is my place burned down so now I will have to live the Fortress of War/Over Lord Galz'gra(me) or make a run for the sewers. The good news is I met my what I think was myself in the future.

Dude hopped out of a portal gave me a a suitcase. Looked me dead in the eye and said "it exists" before hopping back through the portal. That was when the time keeper appeared walked over closed the portal and looked at me thanked me for the popcorn before disappearing. After I got open deciding it best to open the suitcase at home. Problem is when I got there my place was burning like a bunch of fucking pallitards decided it held a bloodsucker coven. Even worse most my stuff was lying on the street with a packing of trucking minion types who had loaded my stuff up. They zoomed by and kidnapped me. Next thing I knew I found myself in my brand spanking NEW fortress(its rather impressive actually) dressed up in full blown bbeg regalia. I knew my granny always said to never lend a helping hand to one of them but I mean come on you knows those stories about all the monsters? I thought the stories about them were false as well(I was wrong horribly wrong).

I learned a lesson that day NEVER be kind or help a master-less minion particularly when its a masterclass operating a booth during career day desperately trying to recruit(most people took great pains to avoid it should of taken the hint). The last thing you want is them to decide to make you their new one...so any ideas on how to get out of this situation? I kinda desperate their already discussing viable mistresses and wandering what my plans are for taking over the world.

>>23742632
No
do tell
and Nice work

>>23742622
We have laws against that here. We haven't had necromancers since the ebberon cult was forcefully disbanded.

Gud evnin ya filthy grotz. Owz lyfe treatin ya?

>mfw The Big Bang Theory
>mfw the fan base is big
>mfw it's not big enough to start turning them into zombies

Fuck, son.

>>23742653
Man up n fight! Nuthin like a gud punch up t elp ya think owt a propa cours ov actiun

>>23742715
oh look
an orc

>>23742632
...as a female Sewer Bum, may I make note that this legend is likely bullshit? Nobody hides me from anyone.

>>23742605
Elves would say that, 90 is just past puberty for them. It's kinda like saying don't date 'til your 21 for humans, noone listens to that.
You'll know it because of the small things, if I know elven mating rituals right. It's basically serial escalation. It'll start with longing looks and whispers, then move up to small gifts and favors, then she'll start giving you tips on haircare and plantcare, etc. etc. until you're being swept away for week-long vacations and having surprise visits to pleasure castles sprung on you.
My advice is to kick it up to wherever you're comfortable with, it'll shock her a bit but if she's actually into you she should bite. Try and put your human heritage first, they find it exotic to be 'rushed.'(At least, if they're into that sort of thing) In other words, if she's already into putting flowers in your hair and smiling awkwardly? Ask her out. She's into you.

>>23742776
Maybe if that Emperor guy promised to kill the orks, more people would support him.

It's Ork right? Or Orck? Orc?

No, let's go with Ork.

>>23742776
Is she pretty?

>>23742776
Not jus any ol ork. Ok perhapz jus any ol ork. Ya gots izzuez wit it?

>>23742715
Oy mayt, avn't zeen ya 'ere afore. Comin' from the hartlands or the hinderwell?

you know I once saw a bum come out of a sewer grate
covered in blood
two baseball bats taped to his back
he then grabbed my booze
and went back into the same grate he came out of

>>23742837
>not offering him a blowjob
Without the bums, you wouldn't be able to live your nice life. They are our only defense against the beasts down there.

>>23742790
ever been to japan

>>23742866
he didn't even say anything

>>23742803
Well that explains why I keep finding stuff in my hair. Funnily enough I kept thinking it was a practical joke or something. But was out of character for the guys to make flowers out of paper clips.

>>23742866
Oooh! Now I feel appreciated. ...seriously though, what's the opinion on a Bum going on a rampage around Florida. Also, how long was I out of it? I mean god damn, where the fuck did all these pallitards and vampires even come from?

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Today I saw this,
wondered if it's game or not...
Can someone explain?

>>23742774
But I don't wanna be the bbeg don't they always end up dead or worse? I mean its bad enough that this career is a well known dead end job and can even be worse then being a criminal. Plus who in their right mind whats to be one. Granted the swag is amazing and the women holy crap how do they even FIND this many much less persuade them to come with them.

>>23742830
Intawell born an bred mayt. Gwt me a propa nice gaff un duh watafrunt.

>>23742917
I heard that the CoM are constructing a stage out of the dead. Go check that out, tell us what they're doing there.

>>23742917
Florida's a pretty poor place for a Bum, depending. Lots of sewer alligators, lots of swamp alligators, lots of gators in general. They also don't have any damn respect, Palitards occasionally swarm the sewers clearing out the 'filth,' when they're not bothering the Lich and Vampire population. Oh, and don't get me started on the latter, they still remember when Adventuring was all the rage and they'd get people in weekly to break their shit, so now they very carefully divert funds away from the hobo population.
Go to Louisiana instead, that place has a voodoo problem but the people love and respect the help.

>>23742958
both sides became very agressive in their recruiting

>>23742917
Sounds like you were out of it for a more then a few years. The pallitards and vampire crises really began during the release of Twilight. Things got really out of hand after that.

>>23742963
The CoM are there too? I thought they were focusing their attacks on Chicago.

>>23742953
It's free from rp. The premise is modern day fantasy setting where monsters have equal rites. Hobos are kings and paladins are genosical fuckdards. Most of faechan also has monster girl fetishes.

It's 4chan in that world

>>23743012
yeah
by time that shit ended
Florida wasn't worth saving

>>23743037
actually paladins are just paladins
pallitards of the fucktards

>>23742958
Wel it al cumz down ta diz. Are ya a dragun or are ya a kobuld. Besidez ya can take ova da wurld for da good. Ya know. Do sum ov dat chaotic gud stuff thats popular thez dayz

>>23743101
that's like saying orks will ever have a say in goverment

>>23742953

Do you recall the old Modern Fantasy threads? It's rather like that.

>>23743012
Fantastic. Folks, this is what happens when you let your buddies talk you into chugging a gallon of moonshine distilled from basilisk venom. Just say no. The coma and hangover are NOT worth it.

>>23742983
Louisiana, huh? Yeah, why not. I mean, I cannot get five seconds of peace here. I've had to stab ten people since I woke up.

Well, let's hope the Deeps ain't changed TOO much in the last few years. Best case scenerio, my short cuts are still around and I'll be in voodoo land before you can say bon voyage.

>>23743164
so how are teh voodoo lands

>>23742825
I'd say very sweet looking. You know warm of heart. Straight long blonde with hypnotically green eyes. She always smells of fresh spring flowers.

>>23742985
Ah so any recommendations on how to stay alive and well? I don't wanna die on the end of some hero's blade or get betrayed by an officer who decided to go good. Hopefully without ending up in the infernal realms when I do finally croak.

On another note whats the best way to deal with a lich who works as a librarian? Kind of ran into the library and bumped into one.

any one wonder how the plant man is doing?
I mean he is probably a fae now
a far better love story than that goblin book
broken bones and hearts
god that book is terrible

>>23743136
Watch wher ya tred grot. Da Green Partyz bin makin progress. Tho they'd do much betta if they didn't paint eveythin red fur luck

>>23743220
well
make sure that you don't piss anything off to much
especially actual paladins, bums, fae, angels and demons

>>23743136
Orks've 'ad da vote fer yirs ya git. Oi'm a senatah meself, ya'know, represent'n Orky relashuns 'n senzabilitees.
'm jus sad me bill for mor cult'ral 'wareness gots shot dwn. I'z sez fightin's in owr natur, but da ovver guv's say 's still no ascuse.

>>23743244
That or his dryad mistress caught up to him and took his will for good. It's a shame. I had hope for him

Good day, are refugees from the Deepweb welcome here? I'm still getting used to things here in the US, I don't want to cause a fuss.

>My girlfriend is the daughter of a rich business man
>He calls her princess all the time
>I really do like her
>Maybe even love her
>One day, I'm walking with my gf on the beach
>An Incubus from one of my college courses comes by
>He's jealous of our relationship
>He looks different now
>There's this black gunk all over his body
>He grabs my gf and runs to a sewer grate
>"What do you want from her!?"
>He turns back towards me "she'll be MY princess now!"
>I try to stop him, but he flicks me away like I'm nothing
>"Fool! I went to the deeper sewers to gain blessing from the dark ones! And she's coming back there with me!"
>He jumps in

Even most bums won't dare go into the deeper sewers. What the hell do I do?!

>>23743220
Try joining a union. There are some good ones these days, a lot of them have priests that come quarterly to make sure you're still on a path for whatever heaven you pray to. Plus, having to pay fines is like the best defense against organized hoodlums in the country, plus home and dental insurance. Sure makes being a Goblin Sapper better, but man if the rates aren't killer for any jobs around gunpowder.

>>23743301
Try over in Australia if you get the cold shoulder, the Deepwebs have a pretty good lobby there and they're more accepted I hear. We have problems with races that have the word 'deepX" in their backstory.
In general, though, stay on either side of the country, the middle bits tend to be more conservative and weird.

>>23743300
actually she started fucking shit up good int he town he was hiding him
he decided to go and try and work out their relationship
after initial anger
involving sodomy via vine (poor guy)
he was able to explain why he left
and it turns out she though he enjoyed being chained to a futon
last time he reported he said he could tastes feelings
so if you're ever wandering in woods
and you see a man with skin of bark, teeth of stone, eyes of fire, and hair and beard of root with a lass who's hair is the color of the current season
wave
and say
hello plant man

>>23743282
I rebemba ya! I voted waagh for dat propusishun. If dem humes can fight all day fur residuum n oil. Den we shud be allowd t fight fur recreashun.

Gotta fight fur ya right ( to party )

>>23743306
Get together a bum adventuring party. They're a bit hard to rally unless they know each other, but if you promise lunch and bring lots of booze you should be able to cajole them along. You'll probably have to go with them, though, most bums aren't very accepting of cowardice.

>>23743250

Oi ya git, red makez em go fasta ya krumpin humie! Blu is da luky onez!

>>23743306
find a bum with a scar called mean sonofabitch
he'll kick that fuckers ass

>>23743365

Just came from Australia actually. I was hoping to apply for asylum here after some... unpleasantness. I am aware that my black carapace tends to unnerve but I had hoped to start fresh here. Are you saying it is unwise?

please remember to archive when it starts auto sageing to hell

>>23743388
Wow. I hope all women aren't that crazy. Lore check. Are elven women likely to get that crazy. Don't want to wake up chained to a futon if I ask this girl at work out

>>23743306
>black sludge
>blessing of dark ones

Get bums

A fuck load of bums

In fact, get anyone you can. It's going to be a long, grueling trip to the bottom of the deeper sewers. That's where the dark ones hide, and that's where you'll find your woman.

>>23743396
My mishtak. I alwayz Getz them two mixd up. Waz born color blind ya see

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>>23743306

I think I know a couple of guys perfect for this quest. They specialize in saving people and know the sewers really well.

>>23743375
Are all fey women that crazy?

>>23743388
Tanks for da vote, meenz da worl' ta me.
Oi've been wroitin' a new 'dendum, wyz tink'n mebbe dey letz uz celeybrayte Krumpsday in da ol' Orky wayz.. Eider dat or Grumdshire, in r'spect for da war o' Bludbeard. 'z gud timez al roun', but dem pointy-ear boyz in da 'ouse 'o repreysentatives keep sayin' ow 'barbaric' an 'unscroopulus' we'z bein.
makes me sad, ta think these gits git ta make da callz, even after owr 'onrable Martin Ruutha Nobz big debut. Downright cruul.

>>23743449
nah see plant mans girl was a fae
fae are
different
see plant accidentally proposed to her
and being so close to one of the fae
in such an intimate manner
tends to make people lose their mind
also become fae
and who knows
elves have the strangest kinks
beaten only by succubi and fae

>>23743455
>bottom of the deep sewers

There's a bottom to the deep sewers?

Can anyone else confirm this? I'd hate to see what's at the bottom...besides the dark ones.

>>23743264
Well shit looks thats an actual list and doesn't being your average bbeg tend to mean pissing some of them off?

>>23743327
Theres actually unions for guys like me? Nice now how to figure out doing so and not pissing of the variety of minions enough to kill/torture me. What fun.

On another note the one of my advisers recommends trying to team up with an older more experienced bbeg any ideas who I should check out?

>>23743423
Ever though about the henchmen/minion path there is an incredible variety and most surprising of all there is NO prejudice to such a degree its outright disturbing. Just make sure to take Interspecies Cultural and Relationship classes so you don't risk offending some one/thing(I am taking a few at the moment very enlightening to say the least).

My cake batter has somehow become sentient. It is a cake batter golem. I don't know what to do, and its demands for "more sflour!"

Helllllllp meeeee, is there a pastry sorceror around!?

>>23743423
Naah, we've had some problems with some faux-paladins. We call 'em Palitards, they tend to burn things.Most folks will be cool, there are plenty of different types around. Try some of the more 'melting pot' areas of the country, we've got everything from Liches to Goblins to this one fourth-dimensional cube I know who works retail at target. Just.... try not to be too creepy, at least it's better than Spain. I hear they've got a bloody inquisition running through there again.

>>23743512
Well to us yes
but lets look at it from her perspective
her human lover proposes to her in a fine winter morning
for a time
who knows how long
he's happy
she begins changing him
maybe on purpose maybe not
then one day she finds him gone
flowers and fire in his place
she tracks him to horrible concrete jungle he used to live in
She begins taking her anger out on it
he appears from under it
she shoves a vine up his now barky ass
he explains why he did what he did
and they can finally truly understand eachother in madness
they return to their home
their garden

>>23743541

I heard that the Deep Sewers just lead to Deeper Sewers and so on.

It's just that the people who go that far can't exist properly in our reality any more.

>>23743574
Stick candles into it.

That calms them down.

>>23743574

Put a bag of flour and a bag of salt in front of it. Let it take and eat the flour.

>>23743574

Give it the "flour"

And by flour I mean friendship
No I don't I mean the dick

>>23743574
>>23743574
MAKE IT STRAWBERRY FLAVOURED
it will kill itself

>>23743608
I'm a Warlock who made a pact with a Dweller of the Deeper Sewers. That right there should tell you what is down there, alright?

Now, no more questions. One of you here has been flushing things down the toilet that you really shouldn't. And I am going to fix that problem. [spoilers] Painfully. [/spoilers]

>>23743528
It'z like ere secund class citizuns. I wurk, I payz taxez. I evun av a cuzin dat workz in fancy computaz. We shud be free to celabrayt ourz eratige. Jus like dem high n mighy elvz. Ell deyz lettin dem palatardz Getz away with murdur anywayz

>>23743574
You're looking for a Pastamance, try Greg over at lexington. Failing that, just take it into an Italian restaurant and shout, "Does anyone know Gordan Ramsey's Disjointing Dispellation?"

>>23743365
Now wait just a minute. We in the middle aren't that weird. We are very nice people, for the most part. Ya, we got some human supremacists here and there, but that's normal.

However, most of the people are very kind, once you get to know them. They'll protect you as if you were one of their own. Just last week, a gang of HHH rolled into town, and tried to start something with a halfling family. They were shown out of town, with a kind reminder to never come back.

>>23743306
Alright, I got a small party on my side.

Three bums and one palitard

If we survive, I'll treat them all to diner at this fancy steak place.

The place is fucking insane.

I've killed my first hydra today. Well, sort of. The party destroyed it, I just threw a rock, and that was the final blow.

Reception here is terrible.

Any tips on how to survive?

>>23743619
>>23743620
>>23743625
>>23743634
Okay. I have cordoned it off in the kitchen with candles, as apparently, it does not want to be baked.

At least it's not too smart to realize small candles won't bake it. Anywho. If I give it flour, won't that just make it bigger? And whatg would the salt do?

I feel so out of my league. This is the last time I buy baking ingredients at one of those Fair Folk Fairs.

>>23743659
I'll pay you to kill pallitards

>>23743675
H.H.H.?

>>23743533
Any heads up on the elf kinks. Like I said, my mother thinks I too young to know about women. Honestly, I don't get it. I work, I have a career. I've already acheved more than my father in less time. Can't wait to earn my adult name and get out of here

>>23743681
you baked it for some fae?
shit man
tell me
did one of them complain about bees in his mind

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>>23743603

I'll do my best to not be creepy, but I'm not sure if I should be hiding my appearance somewhat. I mean, black carapace isn't easy to hide, but my eyes apparently terrify some humans. Does anyone else disguise themselves?

>>23743559

Henchman? Minion? Are these legal positions in an organisation? And is the job stable? I ask because I want something stable, maybe stable enough to get an apartment and start looking for someone special.

>>23743511

Holy shit. THEY'RE PERFECT.

>>23743715
>>23743715
ear play
sub dom
hair play
flower fucking
fucking in a tree

>>23743717
No no no, I didn't bake it for a fae, I just... I got a few of the ingredients at one of the farmer fairs they host in my town.

I wanted to make a cake that tasted magical, and the Dryad was very helpful! I just... I just, I didn't think anything could possibly go wrong, you know?

Oh god, I can hear it running the sink.

>>23743689
Humans Held Highest. One of the bigger human supremacist groups over here. It looks like they wear bedsheets. And a dunce cap underneath a pillowcase, which seems oddly appropriate.

>>23743748

So it is trying to escape into the sewers? Or is it increasing its volume?

>>23743748
well at least you didn't end up chained to a futon

>>23743773
shit get some dwarves
the love cake golems

>>23743768

We had some of them in Australia. They are the reason I left the group I came out of the Deepweb with. After one of our apartments was torched at night I didn't feel safe or welcome down there.

>>23743773
Making itself bigger. It got into the cabinet and got to the flour, and the water, and now it's... I don't know. Bread dough golem? It's just mixing and adding stuff to itself all whimsically.

>>23743774
I am, uh, glad I'm not chained to a futon. Although said Dryad did ask me to come and visit her tree some time.

Waaait, does that mean she was hitting on me?

>>23743676
We're almost down there, but it's dark as fuck. We're going to rest for the night(?).

But I can't help but feeling something is watching me.

Can't sleep, tell me stories.

>>23743748

/ck/ here. Just rig a hose to the faucet, jam the other end into the cakegolem, then turn the water on FULL BLAST. It will swell up and burst like a crappy souffle.

This is the fastest method to disposing of a cakegolem.

>>23743743
Those are a relief. I was scared they'd fall close to drow territory of sexual habits. Right, I'm gonna ask her out all impulsive and human like. God that sounds unnatural. Wish we weren't so estranged from my dads side now

>>23743681

Give it fish; it's brain food.

>>23743732
sauce on that pic

>>23743810
Once upon a time a group of adventures went into the sewers to save a girl and died.

Go to sleep.

>>23743715
Now I'm worried about YOUR age, but i'll go ahead and put that aside for now. Most elves don't have any weird kink until they've gotten about a millennia old. Something about how even mundane things seeming special to beings that naturally live that long. Now, they are very sensitive, especially around the ears and the naval.
You do need to worry if you see a lot of piercings on her, but naaah, there's no way you've found one of THEM around. And showing interest. You'd probably have figured... yeah, you're probably safe.

>>23743808
dyrads
while similar
aren't fae
may be related
have to ask somene

>>23743811
Phew, thanks! Now, just gotta clean up that fucking mess. Shit, man, this is going to take all night. fml.

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Good evening! Hope everyone's nighttime activities are going to be interesting tonight!

>>23743732
It extremely stable as long as your not upper management your fine. If the big bosses get taken out you just get a letter with a big bonus telling you where to show up next. Thanks to the unions it extremely stable and safe(unlike upper management) plus you get all manner of benefits included for free it would make a angel weep. Including specially made apartments that can be upgraded as necessarily in case you find someone special or start a family. Not to mention thanks to heavy pr its extremely rare upon for someone to try to kill you(blame the mean big bosses its not the little guys fault bastards). Even pallitards reconsider going after a minion/henchmen.

>>23743682
Ar ya mad ya grot! Iz gotz a family to provide fur. Fightin is fun an all but I ain't gettin myself thrown unda for you. Deres a reasun were tryin to get ork fightin legalishud.

>>23743732
Try sunglasses. Lots of humans believe that eyes are the "windows to the soul" or some bullshit like that, so try and keep first impressions good. Going down the street shouldn't be a problem, but try not to climb on the buildings, even if it's faster. For starters, people will complain about the paint on their houses, but more that lots of smaller types get nervous when they sense predators above them like that.

>>23743857

(no idea, pulled it off /d/ once when I was lost)

>>23743306
What part of the country you in, kid? I just woke up from a several year long moonshine induced coma and I am starving. Make you a deal. Three sandwiches (I like tuna salad of ham and cheese with mayo), two bags of chips (pretzels if you can) and a six pack of whatever booze you can get your hands on. Get me that and I'll have your princess back by the end of the week.

>>23743897
yo
how you liking our little world

>>23743899

Kill them all.

No, I'm not CE. Why do you ask, dear paladin?

>>23743810
Bad news: The Incubi attacked us

Good news: He had my girl with me

Good news: We defeated him

Bad news: I've got some of that black shit on my face

Bad news: The adventurer group left with my girl

I don't feel good guys, and I can't get this black stuff off. What do I do?

>>23743975
Die. Or become corrupt. All depend son how stout you are, really.

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>>23743975
you
poor bastard

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>>23743975
Anon, there is no help for you now. The best thing to do now is to go out with honor. It's been a pleasure knowing you.

>>23743899

That... sounds nice. Sorry to impose but if you could spin with me a little longer I would appreciate your help.

You're telling me not to advance too high in any organisation? That... may be difficult, but I can do it. I am a hard worker and proud of my talents, you see. Are there any organisations that you would recommend? Or do I more apply to the union and they tell me where I'm going this week?

>>23743945

So dark glasses... I can do that, but it is a little annoying about not climbing buildings. I loved the feeling of ascending a skyscraper at night and drinking the goodness out of a sunrise for an hour or two, you know?

>>23743975
Eat that shit. Then hire the bums from>>23743511

>>23743867
Look I know 90 isn't that old. Even for a half elf but in my defence I've led a suprisingly sheltered life. My mother is so into elven tradition that I've had little experience with any women. Things were better before dad passed on. She was more laid back when he was around. Anyway thanks for the advice fellow fa/tg/rognard. Will report back on the morrow

>>23743897
If you consider being 'encouraged' to attend the Grand Ball of Villainy interesting then yes.

>>23743975
Alright you need to either A. bath in a spring of Healing or B. show up at your local villainous base declare the right of innocence. Which ever is closer you will be cured problem is you have to do it while your still sane otherwise it wont work.

imagine if we got someone to draw a hydra hunt

>>23744000
>>23744021
>>23744065
Guys, I-I- I don't-don't like this, th-the voices ar-are loud and they say, th-that-that-d-dark...dark it's dark.

>>23743975
Just get out of there. The light of the rising sun will clear up that shit in a jiffy, 'long as it hasn't stained anything.
Short of that, go find a discrete priest. he'll be able to identify what that shit actually is, and probably the best course of action from there.

>>23744091
He-healing...where...it's really dark...

>>23744094

Can you speak to the voices?

>>23744115
NO! No! Shut up! I can't see what you're reading, you have to, you have to speak like the voices...the voices, they, won't let me talk yet...they want me to be dark first...dark...I need to get out of here, can someone post a map of the sewers.

Jeez, America seems really fucked right now, I got outta there after the Half-ling genocide of '98. Canada's a good place though, being that they accepted 90% of our population. Also no other Half-lings here?

>>23744152
Go deeper, Anon. Deeper. Join us, so you may live in wonder and glory forever.

>>23744094
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlfUcnSbKDA&list=PL7A4D91E2EE819683&index=2
goodbye

>>23744162
If you think America's bad, you should see Spain.

>>23744069
Just don't go upper management those positions carry the greatest danger low and middle is still safe. As for organisations apply to the union they will give you directions to a Local Minions Rights group who will get you started.

>>23744152
Welp to late at least this time it can't be blamed on us.

>>23744069
Try getting a sky-rise apartment. If it's your building, noone can say shit, really, and a lot of the people up there are in your kinda position. I knew a guy who met up with a few spider-chicks and some harpies, and they made this huge web/nest balcony on like the 50th story of this building, specifically for this reason. Went great, 'til they tried to barbecue on it.

>>23744193
I missed this. What happened to Spain?

>>23744106
Keep babbling, kid. I'm around the corner from you, I think. I'm a doctor. Don't shoot at me, I'm the tall chick in the white coat. The white coat is not just for show. I'll have you fixed up in five minutes flat.

>>23744217
a second fucking inquisition
two liches
twenty dwarves
and five bums are trying to stop it
maybe some pallys as well

>>23744217
Inquisition its bad real bad. From what I got heard it doesn't matter what who or what you are. The only 'safe' places left there is the sewers or the Bastions.

Rolled 16

>>23744152

I know the voices are listening, I know you can hear me you fucking cowardly sons of bitches. You cower in the dark,m fearful of everything. You prey on the weak, as they are all you can defeat. You prey upon the unstable, the insane, because you cannot influence the strong. But this boy, he fights for love, and you cannot influense him. Boy, if you can hear me, I'm going to perform a ritual called a "will save".

>>23744231
I can't see you...it's all over my eyes...the voices are telling me to walk, but I don't know where. Should I walk, doctor?

>>23744217
You didn't hear? They've started up an Inquisition. From what I've heard, it's chaos.

>>23744162
America settled down for the most part after that. At least the mid west did.

>>23744217
And even then it's only slightly safer than everywhere else. Trust me, Spain is hell

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>>23744184

so
any have any dryad pubes

>>23744279
Fine, sure, whatever, this stuff's trying to get into my mouth!

so
anyone have any dryad pubes

Must sleep. But faechan too much fun to go sleep

>>23744314
Dyad pubes are babey's first drug, what you need is Ichor.

>>23744331
me too ;-;

I can hook ya up wit' som for a good tree-fiddy.

>>23744200

I prefer going to places that normal people can't go. You know, ledges that aren't accessible to normal means? I just like having places that are just for me, you know?

>>23744196

Okay. I might search around on the internet for the different Minions Rights groups and see what I get.

What about the dating scene? I'm kinda open to the thought of dating outside my genus, how would one best go about putting her best fang forward?

Rolled 8

>>23744320

Rolling fortitude save, hopefully it will work too.

>>23744334
lichor also involves killing relgions YOU DICK

>>23744334
Feel free to palafag me on this. But ichor is nasty stuff. It's like your eyes are scratching themselves out of your eye sockets

>>23744280
Victory! Good news, got the kid. Bad news, kids eyes are badly corrupted. Better news, I can fix that. Worse news, mind is corrupted. Great news! I can fix that too. Best news, this kid owes me lunch. And a six pack.

>>23744331
aye
don't worry
we shall keep at it]
building
talking
all you have to do is make a faechan thread

>>23744399
I...I can't see you... but thank you...thank you so much...the voices are telling me to spit on you though. Is that right, doc?

Is anyone gonna add Dark Ones to the faechan page?

>>23744399

B-b-but he made his will save... didn't he? A 16?

Alas then I shall be signing off.

Laters faechan. Grognard out

goblin gangs

>>23744452
>23744452
>>23744452
you can do it

>>23744429
It is a poor idea. No spitting. Do hold still though, if you keep squirming around I'll have to scoop your eyes out instead of fixing them.

>>23744493
Ok...I'm gonna take a nap.

>>23744489
Eh, sure.

Under Other, I'm guesing

remember kids
archive
and record

>>23744517
yeah
make sure to be vague till we decide what they are

>>23744162
Seriously, no Half-lings? Am I the only One on FaeChan or something?

>>23744493
Oi doc
you know any fae

>>23744504
Wise. By the time you wake up I'll have finished this up and gotten you topside.

>>23744464
Yes, that's why I'm fixing it instead of just putting him down. Well, that and I'm always really hungry when I get a hangover. Can't get paid by a dead kid.

>>23744544
Well they usually work fields or the alleys

>>23744540
Alright, I made it. Is it vague enough?

Oh shit, I didn't even realize I was trippfagging. But seriously, I'm pretty sure I rolled a saving throw for will, and a 16 is a pass right?

>>23744370
Heh one thing you should know is that once a minion always a minion as far as their concerned. You have got a family member is a one your honorary one a good friend same thing. As for the dating scene for minions its not uncommon to for your fellows to attempt to hook you up(its happens ALL THE DAMN TIME). So its safe to say as long as your follow their cultural rules your fine. But I must make this clear their willing to make amends/exceptions, but unlike non-minions their not forgiving when it comes ignoring the norms. As for how to best put your fang forward take the classes it will teach you everything you need to know so you don't screw up. Seriously I am not kidding take them the last thing you want is to offend a demon by saying their wings look 'nice' and then find yourself in a special place in hell in a designated torture block for "nice things".

>>23744587
>>23744587
perfect

>people talking about the dark ones like they're real

Everyone knows the dark ones are a myth made up by bloodsuckers to keep them from looking for food in the sewers.

>>23744554
Maybe. Now, that seems lime a vague add answer, but the truth is the chick I buy medicinal herbs from is either a fae or a weird ass dryad. I never can tell, it's like being within ten feet of her makes you instantly baked.

>>23744544
Uh well no villain aligned GeekSQuads has a surprisingly number who post on Faechan just that their job makes them unwilling to give out even that much info.

>>23744672
interesting

>>23744666
>666

Nice try, Dark One, but the reason why bloodsuckers love that "story" is because they know if they drink anyone living in the sewers, they might get your ooze on them.

Lamia or driders
that is the question

>>23744747
sheeeeeeeet

>>23744598

That makes sense. I mean, I'm very proud of my carapace and I will sometimes polish my chitin but I would probably not be happy if someone touched my abdomen without permission.

>>23744544
Shhh! You fool! If they find you, they'll end your furry footed ass!
You must flee! Hide under the mount' of the even-shadow, and when the time is right come again, once again anonymous.
Us Halflings must be cautious in these parts, for we are delicious and good with ketchup.

I SEY DAT EVRY1 HER IS A BUNCA DUMBIES

TATS RIGTH

DUMIES

DUCKBUNIES SHAL INHERIT THE ERTH

>>23744672
Good news, everyone! After spending fifteen minutes with one arm wrist deep in the kid's soul, tearing out goo, and the other stabbing the hell ouf of monsters, I got the kid fixed up and dropped him in a hospital topside. Bad news, one of the doctors recognized me from my pre-Sewer Bum days. Worst news, they kicked me out of the hospital. How the hell am I going to get paid?

>>23744765
Both have the habit of giving venomous 'love bites'. Both have stories of them devouring their lovers. One can crush you even by accident, but can give amazing hugs/positions. While the other may merely tie you up in a web for a long while. I would say its a tough choice what it comes down to is preference chitin or hair. At least that is what I told my henchmen when they brought up while I just happen to forget to mention which I liked more.

>>23744878
how did they kick you out

Gone to Grand Canyon to seek shelter thinking that nobody would go in there, Hoo boy was I wrong about trying to find refuge in there, that place is Harpy town. There are some who don't seek to rip out your entrails or outright rape though.

>>23744884
I'm a lamia man myself

>>23744884
Oops meant scales not hair.

>>23744878
Thanks doc...I feel a whole lot better. They say I'll be out in a week or so, they just want to make sure everything is out. I think the voices are gone now. When I get out, I'm treating you to booze.

>>23744878
I'd suggest a brick through the window, with a time and place for a dead drop of your fee.

Hope you guys don't mind, I added to the "deeper sewers description"

All I added was "Home of the Dark Ones."

That cool?

>>23744878
Go around the back entrance, lots of hospitals don't let combat bums in publically, but actually give a lot of support in the form of 'community food drives.' Brown paper bags and kindly old ladies, you've found the right place.

>>23744945
k

>>23744878
Wow you knew how to bring him back madness and all? most impressive seriously I am gonna have to look into the my rights for being able to fire Medical personnel now.

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>>23744823

> chitin

Oh I thought you were a furry spider girl...

anyone knows what a dark one looks like>

>>23744895
Because I don't want to start a fight in a hospital?

>>23744922
Yeah baby, faith in the honor of sentient being is restored!

>>23744974

I was friends with a tarantula family, but no. They are athletes and run down their prey. I'm still athletic, but I spin webs and relax with books or just wet up a corner and watch the world. It interests me to watch things, and there is a thrill if you get noticed in your overwatch post. It is hard to explain I guess.

>>23745087
hospital fights= fuuuuuun

>>23745099

> spiders girls are secretly voyeurs

My kink panels are lighting up here

Just remember to archive guys

>>23745086
I'd go down to see them but it's too dark


HURURHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRURHUHRURHURHURHURHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRURHURHURHURHRUHRUHRUHRURHURHURHURHRUHRUHRURH

Seriously though, I'm pretty sure no one has seen a dark one in person.

>>23745152
mmmmmmmmm

>>23745182
None have lived to tell the tale.

>>23745207
maybe they are ugly as ass

>>23744964
Oh yeah, easy stuff. See, before I was a Sewer Bum I was a surgeon. Long story short, I got fired over starting a brawl over the ethical treatment of undead. It was a long time ago. Anyway, fast foreward a decade or two, and we get to a small scale attempted invassion, Dark Ones trying to get top size, you know?

Anyway, I ended up having to do a lot of field medic shit, and over time I, and a few other Bums, figured out the trick to dealing with that goo shit they use to take over minds. Also, the practice I got tearing the shit straight out of dudes' souls also taught me how to tear chunks of dudes' souls out. But that's a whole 'nother story. One which does not get me drunk.

>>23745256
damn bums
you scary

>>23744915
I would state which I liked more but I don't want to give the henchmen any more ideas then I can get away with.

>>23744823
Precisely why I brought it up.

>>23745182
I have once escaping out of hell. Funny part is you can't actually make anything out. Just pure soul devouring mind eating flesh souring darkness incarnate.

>>23745207
Fals- ah wait no your right. I ending up dying then being brought back then dying again and so on. That happens a lot, I noticed It gets so bad as to make it hard to tell if you actually died or not

>>23745270
You should see the dead ones who refuse to simply die.

>>23745282
well I doubt death can pull a bum away from the motal coil without a fight

>>23745099

Tell us more about yourself. Do you like music?

just reminding you
too archive this when its time

>>23745365

Sure, but nothing with too heavy bass beats. When I relax I'll be in a web, and the heavy bass pulses up the web uncomfortably. I prefer a softer, more constant vibration so I listen to synthpop or electronica. I'm so happy that Daft Punk are releasing a new album this year.

>>23745414
interesting

>>23745325
Something like that I suppose. Rather its more along of the lines of some of them REFUSING to die. Like some of them are not even undead, they just simply refuse to die. Which is why a few bums are actually a lot older then they appear.

>>23745480
stubborn son of bitches aren;t they

Alright, I'm hungover as shit and with my new buddy in the hospital still, I am without booze with which to 'hair of the dog' it. I'm sleeping this shit off, night all. Faechan better still be around when I get back.

shall I archive this now

>>23745491
Some of them yeah it has gotten so bad that I have seen grim reapers and death gods driven to the bottle and whatever drugs can actually affect because of it.

>>23745542
shit man
also Ifeel we are the only ones here
shall we archive and continue later
when I'm not tired from lack of sleep?

>>23745562
Would be wise just in case.

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>>23745433

Really getting into synthpop right now. I'll come home and put some of this on while I have a beer and a bath (although getting a bath that fits most of me is a battle here).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLzjm9E1hwg&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqJ2d_mSDPM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmVpGXGBAgM

>>23745605
I'd imagine so

archive up

>>23745652
soooooooo

I'd imagine bloodsuckers and Dark Ones get along, seeing as they both probably hate the sun.