>>24134259
makes sense to me

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From the same guy

>"Wow. With the gold I have left, I can buy 200 pigeons."
>"What the fuck will you need 200 pigeons for?"
>"...when the time comes, I'll know."

>>24134293
He's a genius, you're just not on his intellectual level.

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>>24134259
I see nothing wrong here.

>>24134293
>2e
>Not getting 200+ 'followers'
He's just preparing to be a level 10 fighter is all.

Yeah, not really seeing any problem with that.

He better feed the poor

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>Well, I can tie one to my belt by its legs, that way I have a chicken on hand at any time I might need one in an emergency

I like the way this guy does things.

>>24134259
>>24134293
A master in the making.

>>24134293
I see absolutely nothing wrong with how that man thinks.

>>24134321

this

>>24134259
Seems reasonable enough. Plenty of uses for a chicken by even the newest of adventurers. Checking for traps, distracting guards, impromptu weapon, battle rations, bribe... Not seeing a problem here, OP.

>>24134321
Seconding this. The guys a genius.

Why don't you want players to have fun?

>>24134331
I'm now imagining a level 1 PC giving inspirational speeches to the pigeons every day before battle, as 'practice'.

Come level 7 and the local lord appoints him a head of a garrison:

"I knew this day would come!"

>>24134259
The goat and dog is a pretty smart idea actually.

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>>24134293
Clearly, he desires to ingratiate himself to the Lord of All Birds by expressing his dominance, knowledge, and kinship with pigeonkind.

Or maybe tie them to a giant fruit in order to create an impromptu airship, fuck if I know. Is this the PC in question?

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>>24134293

"I'll show them, I'll SHOW THEM ALL!"

OP here, I wasn't implying he was bad. In fact, he nearly made me choke because of how hard I was laughing at the shit he came up with. He has potential, that's for sure.

He asked if he could have one chicken be a rooster, so the group could get a steady supply of chickens. He said that they would eventually be used for trap finding in addition to food resources.

>>24134434
>Releasing dozens of chickens into a dungeon to clear traps.
Genius.

I like this guy. I should buy more livestock from the traders.

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>>24134401

>>24134434
Yup. Genius. He's even thinking ahead and ensuring his parties safety.

This man is the champion we all deserve.

Knock it now if you must but he's going to end up wrecking the game with those animals.

It's the people who don't work like the rest of us who come up with the good shit. Before you know it he'll have started up an awakened pigeon delivery service and begun a play by post chess game with the BBEG, winner take all

My first time went like this:
>best bro takes me to his brother's apt.
>his bro is DM
>want to play Druid, but party already has one, so Rogue is rolled (3.caster edition) with Assassin, CG with fluff accepted by DM
>first thing that happens, I spontaneously fall on a Minotaur, both of us have traveled back in time to this instant
>Minotaur dies by Vampire Thrallification, I don't get the infection
>head to a demon-infested town, almost get squished by the equivalent of a Pit Lord
>I save the day with six words: "I cast Darkness on it's face."
>DM says it works (possible fiat for my first time, and having fun with it), we escape
>that character went on to develop into something of (as my friend says) a fighter-style combatant, and has since retired
>I now play a Cleric/Radiant Servant, a Swashbuckler, and a Wizard at different times

I feel pretty alright. There's a Knight I played too, but he's a BBEG now that I roleplay with the DM over text message, so other players don't get to hear what's going on.

>>24134462
He was also asking if they got a chance to take a ray spell for him. I think he was intending to use traps and hostile wizards to do his cooking for him.

>>24134486
>started up an awakened pigeon delivery service and begun a play by post chess game with the BBEG, winner take all

And now you have the main plot for your game.

>>24134486
Why would you want to stop that? I would love being in the party with pigeon lord.

>>24134526
>Waterdeep is in flames!
Rook takes pawn.
>Icewind Dale is being invaded by golems!
Rook takes queen.
>Checkmate, motherfucker.

>>24134386

I lost my shit.

A bribe? I'm imagining a PC approaching a royal guard

>Character walks up surreptitiously
>"I'm sorry sir, but the queen is not holding audience today'
>'Oh really? What if I were to...'
>gestures toward belt-chicken
>'...sweeten the deal?'

>>24134530
I wouldn't.

Hell, I tried to start a space program in a pathfinder game at one point. Just replace chickens with wizard university grad students and it's basically the same shit.

>>24134567
The guard accepts the bribe nervously and says, "Watch the gate for a few minutes. I.. I... I have to take care of something."

>>24134554
Best.
Game.
Ever.

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>>24134577
>Just replace chickens with wizard university grad students

>>24134506
release the pigeon swarm!

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>>24134259
>"Well, I can tie one to my belt by its legs, that way I have a chicken on hand at any time I might need one in an emergency.

Four levels later-

>>24134616
>We can't get a good shot off at him! He's got a chicken shield or something!

I like this guy.

I wish I could DM for him.

This thread is brilliant.

>>24134567
>>24134591

I'm fighting myself not to make a cock joke, and losing hard.

I'd kill to have someone this entertaining in one of my games.

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>rolling for perceptoin every time they do anything

Took me almost a whole year to break them of that habit.

Tar monster tears through the bakery.
"Wait. Is he now covered in bread?"
"... Yes?"
"I release the pigeons."
Tar monster gets pecked to death by 200 birds. The day is celebrated every year as the day of St. Avius.

I can imagine him taking off like that pigeon guy from Hey Arnold

>>24134680

>I release the pigeons

I have a burning desire to hear those words spoken at my gaming table.

>>24134680
Your face when a pocket full of bird seed is his "secret deadly weapon".


>Cue Dale pocket-sand .gif

>players walk into an empty room
>"I roll perception!"
>16
"You find that there is nothing of any importance inthe room"
>"Guys! We all need to keep rolling! The room wouldn't be here if it wasn't important!"
>The group spends four minutes repeatedly rolling dice, hoping that they'd finally find something.
"No, guys, seriously, there's nothing here. The room's empty. There's nothing in the walls"
>"He's trying to trick us! I attack the wall with my hammer!"
"What the fuck, Dave?"
>"I roll a nat20! I crit the wall! What loot is hidden behind it?"
"Nothing Dave. But your earlier perception rolls revealed that one of the walls is a load bearing wall. If you continue to attack the walls of the underground cavern you are in, the ceiling might cave in on you..."
>"THE LOOT IS BEHIND THE LOAD BEARING WALL"

I wish I was kidding
Or that they weren't being serious.

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>>24134293
>"...when the time comes, I'll know."

This was my first time of playing the "A Song of Ice and Fire" RPG. I really got excited at the thought of being a peasant for some reason; started out with a good bit of gold dragons, so I bought leather armor, a bow, arrows, a few daggers, a spyglass, a horse, and still had like... half my gold left.

So I bought like, stuff to have a mobile farm.

Everyone else has their platemail, their weapon, and a nice horse.

I bring THE FARM.

>>24134778
Sometimes, you just gotta accept that there are people in this world who are just gonna be as stupid as physically possible.

And then let them kill themselves in ways that are, in hindsight, hilarious.

>>24134259
>>24134293
>"...when the time comes, I'll know."

I am choking with laughter.

>>24134814

So at creation, your character had already bought the farm?

>>24134259
>>24134293
I would kill to game with this guy.

>>24134847
I had always thought "rocks fall, everyone dies" was a silly cliche that DMs would use when the whole group was tired of their current characters.

But there was no way I could let these guys live. They just didn't seem to understand anything...

>ITT: OP is jealous of how good this new player is at D&D and wants a shoulder to cry on

>>24134916
see >>24134434

>>24134860
ULTROS!

>>24134567
You made me spit out milk all over my desk.

I love you.

I now know EXACTLY what I'm doing next game.

>>24134889
They were playing D&D like a video game. "Guys, there's no reason for the programmers to put this room here and not put stuff in it, THERE HAS TO BE STUFF HERE, KEEP LOOKING!" And then they broke the wall that was holding the room up because they wouldn't listen to you and thought that you were lying when you said nothing was there.

"Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies," is a silly cliche used by DMs to kill everyone in the party because they've gone too far off the rails. It can be as simple as, "you're all dead now, because you were fucking around," or as complicated as just throwing a horde of monsters that they stand no chance against them.

>>24134567
The next time I go trolling on an erotic roleplaying forum, I need to do so with the line 'I gesture toward my chicken-belt'.

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>>24134860
Damn right. Pic is the party's face when I told them my master plan of making the first Westerosi food truck with a wagon- I could make twice my costs for operating in a day if I sold all my meals.

Shame the game only got played once. :/

I once ran a GURPS vehicles game with a guy with Discalculia.

>>24134965
I'm so sorry, OP.

I...I didn't know.

My player realized how expensive belts were, and by then he'd already bought belt pouches, a scabbard, an axe hanger, and a grappling hook (with no rope). He proceeded to combine all of these things together into a belt, made entirely out of their fasteners, buckled together with the hook.

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>>24135080
So, you ran a GURPS game with someone?

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OP, please deliver to us further adventures of your group.

>>24135080
>GURPS
>Discalculia

I feel bad for you. Like, really, really bad.

>>24134293
>BBEG has you down
>he starts taunting you as he finishes finalizes his preparations to bring about Armageddon
>New guy: "I suddenly remembered my Charlemagne..."

>>24135125
oh
god
that
fucking
movie.

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>Monk realises after several sessions that his character is far less effective than everyone else's
>we acquire a large sum of gold
>he stocks up on equipment which increases his sprinting speed, and a large sack full to the brim with flasks of acid
>upon us getting into a fight with a group of trolls, he flings the acid-bag at the nearest one, then sprints back to town to buy another bag of acid
>this becomes his primary technique

>>24135139
Vehicles is the most math-heavy system.

I seriously think by the end of it, he was cured of it.

>>24134658
>I'd like to roll perception.
Okay, what are you searching for?
>Oh, I don't know. Anything, I suppose.
Okay, go ahead and roll it.
>Natural 20
A cool breezes rustles gently through your hair as you look around. The land is beautiful here. The grass is green, greener even than the tall stand of trees to the north, and skies are rivaled in their blue color only by majestic peaks of a distant mountain range. You hear a small stream burbling nearby, too small and insignificant to be rendered on any map, but still important to the creatures nearby that often drink from it. As you stand quietly, taking it all in, the breeze dies down slightly and the timid forest creatures resume their activities.

You watch a doe walk cautiously out of the trees and begin grazing on the verdant grass. You hear an eagle call out, sending shivers down your spine. You taste the crisp morning air, chilling your lungs and exhilarating your mind. You smell the wildflowers growing all around you, all so different from your the smells in your memories from your life in the town, and yet so comforting, so right. You feel a centipede crawl over your foot. As you look down, you see it crawling out from a hole in the ground between your feet, and climbing up your leg. You kick it away from you.

To your horror, you see another centipede begin to squirm out of another hole nearby. You scramble back, tripping over your feet, and as you land flat on your back, you see that they are not centipedes, but antennae belonging to a gargantuan ant-like creature. Its head bursts free from the soft earth, and it screams into your mind. "FUCK YOU," it says, "FOR SPENDING SO MUCH TIME STANDING ON TOP OF ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE MORE THAN HUMANS, IT'S DAWDLING HUMANS." Before you know it, all 20 armored yards of the ant are clear of ground. It stands over you, and rears to strike.

Roll initiative.

>4e campaign
>First time player, played lots of RPG-vidya but never a tabletop before
>He makes a stereotypical megalomaniac Warlock dude
>Roleplays fairly well, but he bitches about every fucking rule
>He decides he wants a familiar
>Homebrew some spider-thing that gives him some more accuracy because he sucks at hitting things
>Make up a new houserule that says "Make Newbie roll a d20 every time he bitches about the rules. On even rolls, his familiar bites him and something bad happens."
>Don't tell Newbie about how the rule works
>After four sessions and many, MANY familiar-bites he comes up to me and asks what the deal is with him being bitten constantly
>Tell him about the rule
>Newbie is dumbstruck, didn't realize what he was doing
>Promises to be a better player
>Genuinely cleans up his act and the game becomes much more fun for everyone
Newbie had all the makings of a That Guy, but I think he's in the clear now.
I'm the newbie, my GM is a fucking genius.

>>24135250

>implying criticals apply to skill checks

>>24135220

Well, you got to admire his dedication to dishing out damage as good as the rest of the party.
I guess.

>>24135132
Okay. Well, for one, because we're all new to 2nd ed, I let players craft their own gods (I get final approval, of course). So pigeon cleric looks through the domains and says "Oh, war is a domain? Okay, I'm going to be a cleric of the war god Khorne. Blood's not a domain though, is it?"

He has no RPG experience, but he plays 40k and RTS games.
I had to talk him out of letting his holy symbol be a trollbone helmet, if only because troll skulls should cost way more than the listed price. He's free to use one as such once the party kills their first troll, though.

>>24135275

>implying that's what that poster was implying
>not house ruling that in anyways for fun

>>24135250
That's going on the list.

It kinda has to.

>>24135220
Well, mine was:

>Grapple
>Teleport into the sky
>Suplex the motherfucker

But that one is also nice, I guess...

>>24134293
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CVucJBrliI

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>>24135220

>>24135275
The point was that he succeeded and whatever check he wanted to make. The same thing would have happened if he had rolled a 1 or a 16, because I was so fucking tired of his perception check every 10 seconds bullshit.

>>24135286
>half-decayed troll skull helmet
>chicken belt
>flock of pigeons sitting on the player's shoulders and head (some of them picking the meat off the helmet)
>leading a goat with more chickens tied to it
We need a drawfag in here

>>24135322
Don't forget his war dog.

>>24135318

Then why mention that it was a nat20?

Another thing: who lets their players see the results on their perception checks? If they know what they rolled, then they get an idea of whether or not they passed or failed, and will likely play differently. Keep that shit secret, so that if you say "you don't hear anything," they don't know if it's because they rolled garbage or if there isn't anything to hear.

>>24134486
>Before you know it he'll have started up an awakened pigeon delivery service and begun a play by post chess game with the BBEG, winner take all

In what way is that not a great idea?

This thread is gold, archive requested.

>>24135382
Or you can have players that aren't metagaming munchkins.

>>24135417

Metagaming can't always be helped, especially in cases like that.

>>24134293
Reminds me of a similar debacle in Hackmaster.

We were dealing with some undead life-draining mansion that had grown out of some cursed tree. In order to keep it from noticing all the barrels of oil we were going to sneak in, we bought about two gold worth of chickens, with carts to carry them, and brought the whole onto the premises.

The trick work, especially after they got loose, resulting in several hundred oil-soaked panicked chickens running everywhere.

Things got even better when we finally got the fire to start spreading, onto, and through, the chickens and the oil.

What we'd not considered, though, was what things that die in there get raised as zombies soon after.

Hundreds of undead zombie chickens, burning across the countryside.

>>24135382

You must only play with metagamers. If someone did do this in my party, the DM would just say that the result is always the same as the first roll. Besides, when a party knows that something bad is going to happen, but the players decide to walk into it anyways because their characters wouldn't know, it leads to really great stories.

>>24135449

Jesus christ. Did they burn any towns or anything?

>>24134486
The World Wide Pigeon Web will now be a thing.

>>24135434
Then it happens. But I've seen players make choices that they knew would lead to their favorite character's inevitable death because they're good RPers and their character didn't have the knowledge they did.

>>24135470

Not saying that they'd try another roll. I'm saying that the player's choices are inevitably going to be influenced by the knowledge. Sure, they can be all "Well, I guess we're opening the door anyways," knowing that it could be disastrous. That's what I'd hope a player would do. It still affects the experience they have, knowing they did terrible on a roll like that. I've seen it done both ways, from both perspectives, and I prefer that perception rolls, and rolls like them, be kept secret from the players.

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>>24134259
>>24134293

This guy sounds fucking amazing.

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>>24135508

>>24134591

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss8LDBNcsWc

>>24135508
Can I download programs to my skeleton computer with the pigeon web?

More tales of pigeon guy's party:

We had a player who managed to roll a Paladin. Given the fact that our stats were rolled 3d6, stats locked in order of roll (i.e. first roll = str, second = dex) hardcore mode, that's a big fucking deal. The player in question hates paladins, but given the fact that he's literally managed to roll the equivalent of a goddamn unicorn sighting, he had to choose to play one.
(this is second ed too, when paladins literally couldn't be touched by evil things and had a +2 to everything because god loves you rule)

He decided to have the paladin spend his early life training in a monestary by the woods, where another player's druid did his training. After a series of conversations, it was decided that they had spent their entire lives antagonizing each other, and it was the reason behind all of their stats and skills. The druid trains an army of squirrels to associate plate armor with food, then sets them loose on the paladin while he's doing drills, ergo druid can talk with squirrels. Druid curses paladin's armor to be five times as heavy, but this only goes on to make sure paladin grows up to have a 17 str. The whole reason they were going on a quest together was the druid's elder druid needed to get someone to help defend him on an important mission, and the paladin's abbot figured that they'd get along, being so close in age and having spent so much time together.

Not as funny as pigeon guy, I know, but it's funny when you realize that pigeon cleric had more pets than the druid.

>>24135507
We're pretty sure they made it to nearby villages before their improved-resilience undead bodies finally charred out.

We ran the other way for like a week not wanting anyone to ever put two and two together on the subject.

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>>24134259
>>24134293

You know, when you posted this thread, you probably were kind of sick and tired of his antics, but I will personally assure you that this is the most amazingly awesome sounding example of a first time D&D player I've ever heard

You on the left, /tg/ on the right

>>24135599
If by "programs" you mean have a specially trained awakened pigeon sitting in it's chest cavity controlling it to perform certain actions, then yes.

request to get this archived
the adventures of chicken lord need to be saved for the ages

>>24135629
see
>>24134434

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>>24135269

>>24135657
His name is Saint Avius.

>>24135518
I once knew a guy who let the party's favorite character die just because it made sense for him to sacrafice himself, and it made sense for the other characters to leave him for dead.

He made a paladin based on the first sentence in the player's handbook regarding paladins
"No one /chooses/ to be a paladin"

>>24135694
Well, he called himself "Perseus", because he was horrible at coming up with names, but I'm sure he'll change it once I inform him of this thread.

>>24135269

Dat shayamalanan twist

>this thread
In Dungeon Crawl Classic there are animals called War Pigeons.

this is the hardest i have laughed in months
thank you /tg/
and thank you cleric of a thousand chickens

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>>24134259
>>24134293

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>>24135657
It's worth a screencap, not an archive.

>>24135250
>describing how the character reacts to things he sees
Confirmed for railroading faggot.

This thread reminds me of playing in my friend's Palladium Fantasy game as a Pyromancer, or whatever the fuck they called their fire wizards.

In that game, if you were on a leyline, you got to cast as many spells as you damn well wanted.

I then cast Create Coal all day, creating huge stockpiles of it. I sold the coal for half of the market value, destabilized the coal mining industry, caused towns to be abandoned, threw the entire kingdom into disarray, hired kids to run my shops, got ripped off by said kids then tracked the first one I hired down, Created Coal to throw at him, knocked him unconscious, tied him up, once he woke up buried him in Created Coal then lit it on fire.

No one fucks with my coal money.

>>24135629

I think that the context of the thread title is missing a word. Less [shit first-time players] and the things they have done, more [hilarious/unexpected shit] that first-time D&D players have done.

>>24135250
I'm stealing the first two paragraphs, and using them for every unwarranted perception check. Regardless of setting.

>>24135657
>>24135415
>>24135860
It's already archived like rare maps in the Library of Congress.

>>24135562
>>24135599
Definitely not: they're different operating systems. Unless someone can work out an Undead <--> Pigeon conversion software.

>>24135518
>>24135705

This.

A friend of mine, and easily the best roleplayer I've ever seen, saw metagame-wise in advance that his character was going to die, and didn't do anything to prevent it; in fact, he came to me and worked with me on how exactly it would go down when it did.

This is the best thing a player can do, in my opinion; treat their character's death not as a loss, but as an inevitable part of the game, as part of an ongoing story that was just enriched by the loss of a key player, and as an opportunity to start anew with something different, interesting, and exciting for everyone else at the table.

...God, I love my group.

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>>24134293
This is how I play

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I have a player that turns every game into a communist uprising.

We should have never let him play Kingmaker. He never came back down.

>>24135611
>>24135449

HA! Oh fuck this thread is great.

>>24135868
Yeah, but it's a bit more fun than
>Roll perception
>You see the rocks falling straight down out of the blue sky, right as they land.
>You die.

>>24135922
They don't act as programs themselves, they deliver skeletons that act as new programs.

They just arrive, one of them taps on your window and asks where you want the new program set up at. You lead them off to a properly prepared room and they drop the skeletons, who have been given the program instructions, as well as having been instructed to let themselves fall into a pile so they can be carried and to reconstruct themselves upon arrival, stand up off the ground and begin shuffling into position.

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>>24135922
Skeleton pigeons. Duh?

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>>24135924

>Be new
>Be 3rd level monk/ 3rd level bard (I was NEW)
>Me and 3rd level elf druid friend escort this girl who's the avatar of an LG deity to their church for confirmation
>Get fucked with by cultists, girl does weird, suspicious things
>Ceremony happens, Girl becomes OP Kyton because godmagic
>Get killed because shitty roles/ "Oh shit I fucked up, this thing is a CR 22 and you guys are only level 6.
>Call bullshit.
>Character spends three gaming sessions running through the afterlife to demand an audience with his God and be sent back to earth.

Good times, pic related.

>>24136042
Sorry, I meant 6th level druid friend

>>24136042
>DM has girl join party/fuck someone/have to be escorted
>Girl ends up either killing everyone or generally fucking the group over
It's like clockwork

>>24136042
Well, if you were trying to be Goku, you almost had it right. Ask your DM to waive alignment restrictions on Warlocks and be Monk/Warlock.

Shoot arcane energy all day, run real fast, fly at the same speed, and punch like an absolute boss. In theory. Multiple Ability Disorder kinda shoots this idea down.

I am DMing a 1-off adventure that I keep around to test new players, a simple dungeon crawl that the players get tasked to do by the local lord. Basic stuff really. One of my veteran players has a kid who is 14 and wants to play, first time doing PnP rather than vidya. I do they classic "you meet in a tavern"

He immediately decides to start a bar brawl by attacking the other player (his dad). Rolls a 1 to hit, I have him trip over his own feet when he attempts to kick the other guy. After the fumble and a bitchslap from the other player, he manages to get a fight going anyway. The guards show up a few rounds in to break it up. He decides to attack the guards. Because raisins. It ends about as you would expect, him in chains, them pissed off.

He is taken captive while his father's PC is denying any kind of association or previous knowledge of the new guy. After getting dragged before the magistrate, they are tasked as punishment to clear out a local ruin of the goblin infestation.

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>>24134259
>>24134293

I giggle for so long, people around me were concerned if I was ok or in drugs. I just can't stop giggling...

screencap

>>24136378

Inside the dungeon, he did okay for the most part, but there was one thing that he just completely went full retard.

I had a golem with a chest behind it. The golem's feet were bolted to the floor, and it could not move nor reach down to its feet. It was also quite clearly able to best the PCs if they tried to kill it in melee (none of them had any ranged capabilities). On the table in the room adjacent to the dead end hallway that the golem guarded, were a number of potions. one of which would shrink them down to diminunitive, the other return them to normal size. the others were a healing potion, a flask of acid, and a potion of feather fall. Newguy immediately upon entering the room, takes all the potions and smashes them against the wall, for no reason at all.

>>24134259
>Be me
>First game was yesterday
>Play as a Chaotic Good Kobold sorcerer
>Meet a monk buddy
>I proceed to climb onto his back while he parkour's around the city
>Eventually we decide to go and pillage this fort of Goblins
>Called Goblinhold
>The DM then inserts his character
>We end up in this town about a mile from the goblin hold
>Just pissing about
>Some thugs approach me
>They want me to set an inn on fire for money
>I do so
>But I make the fire go out of control
>Half the city explodes into flame
>The DM is fucking pissed
>He proceeds to do "God-chicken"
>he describes it as a chicken who stops players from doing retarded shit
>by doing more retarded shit
>the god chicken tries to kill me
>I use the monk as a meat shield
>he was level 30
>Been playing for years
>Dead by my actions
What a fucking travesty
I guess I should try out gamefinder threads...

>>24136480
Continue.

>>24136480
I'm not seeing the problem. Why didn't they crawl between its legs?

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>>24136517
>>he describes it as a chicken who stops players from doing retarded shit

>>24136548
He floats down from chicken heaven and wrecks everything. Apparently he does this whenever his character is in danger from another player.

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>>24135269
Dat tweest.

Reminds me of Tim Minchin's Rock and Roll Nerd.

>>24136573
>DM
>His character
wut

>>24136610
DMPC is the phrase I think

>>24136624
>DMPC
>DM
>PC
wut

>1st edition D&D
>GM is into micromanagement
>buying livestock for caravan trip
>There are six cows you guys could buy, they cost this.
>This many pigs, they cost this.
>Chickens cost a copper
>Player asks "How many do they have?"
>I dunno, however many you want.
>Three sessions pass without incident.
>It's been like a month, you guys are probably out of fresh food.
>Nah, I still got chicken
>How many did you buy?
>fifty thousand
>Where the hell are you keeping those?
>My portable hole.
>You know there's no air in there, right?
>50,000 dead chickens

>>24136646
I'm not really sure
But he DM's and plays a character at the same time
It's sort or railroaded how he wants it and i'm not allowed to do anything that would be offensive to druids.

>>24136646
A DMPC is a npc the DM mades to be played by the him, usually they got Elder God Tier levels of Mary Sue and Special Snowflake.

They are there to save the party, to be badass, cool and steal the fucking spotlight

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>>24136517

>>24136664
>No air in there
>Thus no bacteria or mold can grow there
>Dead chickens stay fresh forever

>>24136517
>I make the fire go out of control
>Half the city explodes into flame

I thought you were supposed to be chaotic GOOD?

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>>24136664

>>24136670
The DM is the guy who controls the NPCs. If he controls it, it's an NPC. A DM can make whatever character he wants, and make it do whatever he wants, but it's still an NPC. Actually using the term DMPC is a foolproof way to become THAT DM. Why are you playing games run by a THAT DM?

>>24136664
>DM is into micromanagement
>'probably out of fresh food'

He didn't make you keep track of how much food you had, but gave you prices for six individual cows?

I uh, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna go ahead and call some bullshit.

>>24136670
Get out.

NOW.

THIS IS BAD DMING.

OH GOD, WHY? WHY DO BAD DMs HAVE TO EXIST?

>>24136725
I don't know man
I was playing as a kobold and the DM said I could do that because I apparently hate humanity even though i'm chaotic good with no morality hit
Plus it gave me a ton of gold that apparently can be used for making myself a lich

Now I'm remembering my first campaign. The GM's twin brother was in the party and was a demi-god and half of the key plot characters would only talk to him and it was really painful and annoying. So we get to this city and it's full of zombies. Everyone else is some amazing gunhaver with a tragic past and totally hammed up RPing 24/7 while I'm an old senile safari hunter with pith helmet and all. I spy an old jeep behind a building and decide to live up my glory days on the Serengeti. Another member had a special skill in driving. So we go around running over zombies while I picked off whichever ones managed to climb onto the hood of the car. The whole thing was over in about four turns. The GM and his brother were completely weirded out like I did something really stupid and far fetched. The rest of the campaign was a marathon of some of the dumbest drawn out conversations between some Greek gods and the GM's brother.

>>24136783
>lich
>chaotic good

Great job sticking with your alignment you chucklefuck. Chaotic doesn't mean evil, chaotic good and chaotic evil are two entirely different things.

>>24136828
They didn't explain shit to me, they said any alignment that had chaotic in it could be a lich so I just picked that one

>>24136751
I didn't say he was a good GM. He had bizarre habits.

>>24136850
>I need to be spoonfed it's the spoonfeeder's fault 'cause they didn't spoonfeed me enough!

You know you can research shit for yourself, right?

>>24136930
Yesterday was the first time I had ever played though, I set a character up and listened to the advice they gave me.

>>24136828
>Implying alignment takes precedence over the character's choices
You're a retarded faggot. Here's how you handle alignment:
>Okay, so you want to curbstomp this orphan?
>You should be aware that this is an inherently evil act, and if you do it, your alignment will shift from good to evil. Do you wish to continue?
>Very well, please update your character sheet and roll strength.

I wish my DMs would let me play as a kobold. And the players.
They all look down on me as if I'm some sort of thief, or something! Jeez.

>>24137000
>still uses alignment

>>24136950
Well they gave you some seriously shitty advice if you ended up as a fucking kobold who thinks he's chaotic good despite being chaotic evil and killed of a mate's character for no good reason.

>>24137000
>what is roleplaying
What's the point of even choosing an alignment if you're just going to ignore it and do what you feel like at the time? That's not good roleplaying, go be RaNdUmB in a vidya game if you want to curbstomp babies and do stupid shit for the sake of doing stupid shit.

>>24137038
Why would you be disallowed from playing a Kobold?

>>24137083
Because kobold players are generally pricks and/or furries.

Why would you want to play as a kobold?

>>24137110
I'm not a prick, I swear. I'll only steal you blind while you're asleep. Promise!

>>24137110
Because kobolds are cute. I picture them as cutebolds anyway

>>24137139
See what I mean? Furries.

>>24137110
To be a trapmaker klepto rogue obviously.
With a cutebold picture for 'character appearance'

>>24137148
Shut your mouth about furries, son. This is /tg/.

>>24137148
But I don't think of them in any sexual way
I just want to play as a little lizard dude

>>24137148
>implying /tg/ isnt already half furry

>>24137148
So can I still play a Dragon Disciple?

>>24137168
You think exactly how I think! I wanna be that little dude who runs around doing silly shit and trying to be cool, but ultimately making himself look like a goof.

>>24137148
Can I play anything other than "human"

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>>24137156
>This is /tg/
Exactly.

>>24137171
>There's a lot of /d/ in /tg/ if you know what I mean.

>>24137196
Man, if you don't shut the fuck up

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>>24137156
I wish I could post two pictures at the same time, but alas. You will just have to imagine.
>I came here to laugh at you

>>24136670
>wanting to offend druids
Check your unnatural privelege.

>>24137195
No. Human, Womyn, and Spess Mehren only.

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>>24137205
If you don't shut the fuck up about kobolds. Nobody wants to play with furries.

>>24137041
Your alignment reflects the way you live, not the other way around. If you enjoy killing babies, you're evil. Every single problem with alignment comes from players and DMs railroading their characters based on two words at the top of the page, even though those words don't describe who this character really is.

Instead of asking "I'm lawful good, can I do this?" ask yourself, "is this what my deeply emotionally damaged cleric would do when confronted by the spitting image of the bully that used to torment him when he grew up as an orphan on the streets after his father murdered his mother in front of his eyes and tried to kill him as well before a city guard saved his life by stabbing his father through the throat?" Maybe the answer is yes, maybe it's no. Either way, it's the proper question in this situation.

>>24137245
buh buh FURSECUTION
oh god I feel dirty just typing that.

>>24136702
Nah, anaerobic bacteria carried by the chickens (in their digestive tracks and other locations) would probably decompose them.

>>24136751
Hehehe, bullshit, cuz, cows.

>>24137292
>Your alignment reflects the way you live
Exactly, so he shouldn't be calling himself chaotic good if he's burning down cities at random.

He enjoys sporadic,uncontrolled acts of arson, and desires to become a lich. That's pretty evil to me.

So, I have a couple of question for the DMs in this thread:

Firstly, what is your stance on turning the unused or unusable ideas of your players into random encounters or setting pieces?

Secondly, do any of you have any sort of first-timer hazing ritual style stories that you try to run your new players through, and is that an acceptable thing to do, as long as it's not super deadly for no real reason?

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Dedicated to the best cleric of all time.

>>24137381
Should I switch my alignment to Neutral Evil or Chaotic evil then? Lawful Evil doesn't sound anything like what I did

>>24137245
Elves are furries, kobolds are furries, goblins are furries, orcs are furries, liches are furries.
This is your mentality, if you didn't notice.

>>24137381
Exactly. So after you burn down a city just because, your alignment is chaotic evil because you're the kind of man that literally just wants to watch the world burn.

>>24137399
It lacks pidgeons... and the war dog.

good job!

>>24137399
>dat protomen
glorious

>>24136693
My DM does DMPC, but he usually has him get knocked out in a serious battle or otherwise out of the way. He mostly only makes sure we don't fall off the path in a way that's no fun. I think its ok.

>>24137427
4 pigeons is feasible... 200 is just way out of this drawfag's league, sorry.

>>24137402
You're chaotic evil. Potentially chaotic neutral if you're not actually intending to kill people and just stir shit up.

>>24137444
czech republic

>>24137437
The point is, he's not a fucking DMPC. He's a hireling.

>>24137245
That image makes me think about wiping my ass violently

>>24137418
No it isn't. How are elves, goblins, orcs and liches furries? Kobold players are furries 'cause they enjoy anthropomorphic animals and "cutebolds". Stop shoving words in my mouth.

>>24137418
reminds me of that scene from the movie "In Bruges"
>"There's a war coming up, between the whites and the blacks."
>"Well whose side will the Mexicans be on?"
>"The blacks"
>"And the Indians?"
>"The blacks!"
>"What about the Vietnamese?"
>"Get it through your skull, THE BLACKS!"
>"Well fuck that, I'm joinin the blacks!"

>>24137451
I'll set myself as Chaotic Evil for the time being then, I haven't intentionally killed anyone yet (aside from that fire). Is there anything against giving myself pyromania and exclusively using flame based magic from a roleplay standpoint?

>>24137494
It makes you look like "That Guy"
>PYROMANIA IS COOL! NO REALLY GUIES! IT'S COOL!

>>24137494
Nope, that's entirely acceptable. Your faggot DM might decide to wreck your shit because no reason, though.

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>>24137485
>you will never be able to roleplay as a dragon worshipping glorious communist because cutebolds have ruined the kobolds for everyone

>>24137347

HA!

Laughed far more than I should have.

>>24137485
You're generalizing quite a bit there, fucker.
Shut the fuck up.

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>>24134715
Is this what you were asking for? I was going to use it for more important things, but duty calls!

>>24137418
Nah, his mentality is that kobolds are nice things, and it's currently, "cool," to hate nice things.

To put it the way a friend of mine did, "most of the new people on /tg/ see something that's popular and nice and just hipster at it, because they either don't like it or don't get why people like it."

>>24137534
Dude, the image is from K-On!. You're welcome.


And, uh, how 'bout them pyromaniacs?

>>24137567
>Dude, the image is from K-On!
Ah, never heard of it. Thanks, man.

>>24137521
>kobold
>chaotic evil
>player killer
>reckless arsonist

He already IS "That Guy".

>>24137567
I don't know what a K-On is

>>24137597
I'll get better, I promise!
;_;

>>24137538
So are you.

>you think anthropomorphic animals are furry so you must think ALL races other than human are furry!

>>24134293
THE CHOSEN ONE

>>24137600
An anime. Ask /a/. That's there area of expertise.

>>24137600
it's pretty shitty anime.

>>24137611
Holy fuck you're dense. Why am I even arguing with someone as fucking retarded as you?
I'm done. I'm fucking done. This is fucking /v/ tier shit.

>>24137600
Hit up Google. It's an anime about a high school band. Made of little girls.

>>24137597
He didn't kill the player. His "hurr godchickenz 2stronk for non-DMPCs" DM killed him.

>>24137600
>>24137593
The innocence is astounding. Glad to see /tg/ has retained most of it's Western-ness.

>Dad GMed AD&D when I was younger
>Always ran us through one of his dungeons
>In the very first room of the dungeon is a statue
>If you touch the statue, you go insane and run off into the dungeon never to be seen again
>We always tell new players not to touch the goddamn statue
>They will without fail touch the statue
>And then bitch about how unfair it is
>Dad gave no fucks and gave them a new character sheet

>>24137635
>>24137628
>>24137621
>>24137614
God dammit, I was joking. I thought it was obvious.

>>24137626
You're the one arguing like a /v/irgin by shoving words in my mouth and now resorting to namecalling.

>>24137391
Nobody?

Oh well, guess I'll make my own thread later on, then.

>>24137647
>Encouraging metagaming
Shaggydog.

>>24137597
>Kobold
Not intrinsically a bad thing
>Chaotic evil
2 deviations from their natural alignment, (LE) we're getting into that guy's territory
>Player Killer
With good reason, it's perfectly acceptable, without, it's too late.
>Reckless arsonist
As chaotic evil, it makes sense, as a Kobold it does not.

>>24137603
Then play proper alignment, avoid PKing if you can, and stop burnin shit.

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>>24137650
Not really.

>>24137391
On the first, go for it! Use them ideas, just don't mock the players for it.

On the second, depends really.

>>24137650
I'm not. I don't know what it is.
Not that I really care.

>>24137684
I said "I don't know what a K-On is".
I thought everyone from here knew generic flavor of the decade anime.

>>24137683
I didn't PK on purpose there, that godchicken faggotry is bullshit and I did the first thing I thought of

I don't even know how I pulled it off with my -4 grapple modifier.

>>24137711
Okay, the other 2 stand though.

I remember my first game of D&D 3.5. I make a cleric/rogue.

>>First time playing a table top
>>Game is D20 Apocalypse
>>People are both complete strangers to me but are my roommates coworkers
>>Need something that will make a good first impression
>>Create a pink haired, transgendered "Fast" character named Garret Gobblecock, roleplay him/her as a massive coward.
>>Surprisingly they invited me back,.

>>24137683
>TFW all renegade Drow are That Guy
>TFW all That Guys need to die
>TFW all Drow need to die
>TFW this campaign I'm in just got a hell of a lot easier
Thanks, bro.

>>24137735
I'm trying to stay away from evil alignments unless it's that kind of run, and I can't help it if fire gives me a boner i'll stay away from that shit for the sake of the other players though.

>>24137673
He didn't run games that encouraged heavy roleplaying. He ran games that killed us very quickly if we didn't keep our eyes out for traps and monsters.

>>24137780
Intellectual tests?
Damn, your dad was quite a teacher.

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>First time Dm and player. (Me as DM)
>Generic ass adventure fighting goblins.
>Player kills all goblins in the camp.
>Says halfling bard skins a Goblin and makes a skin suit out of him.
>Then cuts off a goblin's nutsack and forces it into dead goblins mouth.
>MFW

>>24137749
>tfw whenever someone rolls a non-evil Drow we make a point of alienating them as much as possible.

>>24137691
Not planning on mocking anyone, they just have a lot of ideas that don't really work for player characters, but might be great for NPCs, where the person making them(the DM) has a higher level of leeway within the rules.

If I point out any examples, well, they come to this board, and one's in the next room.


And, well, the thing is, I made what amounts to an arena challenge that measures critical and lateral thinking to an extent, as well as pretty easily outlining what kind of game they want to play.

If you have a decent idea as to what you're doing, or pay the least bit of attention to what I say while running it and ask questions, it can be piss-easy. Or, you can play it the way it seems to be meant to be played, at first glance; as a fight to the death between two teams.

>>24137814
So he's just being lol so edgy?
I hate players like that. It's like, seriously, that's not "funny" or "gross", it's just dumb.

>>24137814
Do goblin's even have nutsacks?

Whenever I think of goblin/orc procreation I think of them being birthed out of the earth like in LotR.

>>24137780
And you consider that N excuse for metagaming? If you're going to ignore half the game (the half that PnP actually does well), Why not just ignore the other half and whine at him until all of your attacks hit instead of rolling dice?

>>24137872
Or spores like WH40K

>>24137843
He got better, he was just taking advantage of the unlimited possibilities that DnD offered compared to video games.

>>24137799
He once put a cockatrice in a room, that very audibly clucked and bagawked. Then in the room next to it, he put a completely normal chicken.

>>24137816
>TFW we came across a drow baby and decided to raise it to be a productive member of society
>TFW it's now obvious that even the best outcome is That Guy
>TFW time for my paladin to go do the work of Good and put it out of its misery

>>24137381
I play Chaotic Fun.

>>24137872
I just assumed that they were mammals, so I allowed it.

>>24137877
Because he's not an idiot? There's some good stuff to be said for a fatalistic play-style. Namely that it's more realistic than what most people think of when they think of RPGs. In addition to that, they make you think, but hard, about how to use what you have with you.

>>24137919
I mean, it's like a lawful good hornet. Sorry to say drow players, but we'll never trust something to act utterly opposite of its nature.

>>24137829
Did you ever see the DnD movie?

If so, run them through that thieves guild thingy.

If not, avoid it. They didn't even bother to get the better Wayans Brother.

Or you could make an arena challenge balancing on logs and fighting against a harpy who uses a quarterstaff. That should be fun. Especially if she's professional about it.

>>24137939
That's not a fatalistic play style. That's a "fuck my character, I'm just here to roll dice" play style. It doesn't make you think hard about how to get past this trap, it makes you think hard about how you got past the trap last time.

>>24137957
Hornets are nonsentient, they have no alignment.

>>24137984
>Especially if she's professional about it

She's a Harpy- if she isn't blistering the players with nigh-incomprehensible Thieves Argot curse words the whole time, you're missing a primo opportunity

>>24138025
Bullshit, you look at one of those fuckers and you see nothing but pure malice, only obtained by neutral evil horrors. They know what they're doing.

>>24138015
And what's wrong with that? So it's not making a character you really care about but it's plenty of fun to get killed because of your stupid decisions and coming up with ways to get past traps and monsters. Sure it's a different style from more roleplay-centric games, but that's just how he ran games, and we had plenty of fun with them.

>>24138036
Well, yes, of course she uses her mephitic tongue to curse and blister and rage at them the entire time, insulting the character's masculinity, femininity, family, ancestors, gods, neighbors, tendency to be followed by animals, whatnot, but she buys them a drink afterwards, and only spits in it a little if they win!

Professional, just like I said.

>Be in my second or so game
>rolled up a warforged artificer
>DM hates both of those things
>Want to know how I would go about artificing myself up piston fists
>"So I can punch when I punch"
>Goes on about how it would be mutilation penalties against me
>DEX reduction to my hands and arms
>The Magic doesn't exist
>The parts would be too pricey
>I would need to be 10th level, or find someone equivalent
>All I wanted was to be Real Steel: The Warforged
>Not even immediately, just eventually
>I wanted a goal, and he was making it as hard and confusing as possible
>Wind up scrapping my character because of how against the idea he was

>The character that immediately follows is Bender the Warforged Rogue

>>24134293
"Let my armies be the rocks and the trees, and the birds of the sky."

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>playing a one-shot for my friend's birthday
>a few of his buddies who have been invited are mundanes and have never played
>while planning out the game with the dm (a first-time dm who needed my help) i learn that one of them isnt taking character creation seriously
>great, shes going to fall apart while she tries to dm for this asshole
>rolled a goblin monk
>put all his points in charisma for no reason
>selected his feats based on which ones were the most sexually suggestive (stunning fist, anyone?)
>stacked his perform (comedy) skill as high as she would let him
>his character was named burp-burp
>in the first battle burp-burp loses a leg and has to be put into a little cart to get around
>everywhere we go he opens with HI MY NAME IS BURP-BURP WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A DISPARAGING JOKE ABOUT ELVES?
>use him as a distraction to sneak a shit-ton of stolen treasure onto a government ship
>he spends the whole time on the ship rolling around and trying to find the captain so he can offer him a "gobbo-job"
>mfw burp-burp ended up being the best thought-out character in the game

>>24134658
It's simple
>You succeed
>Your character is now aware that his tongue does not quite sit comfortably in his mouth
>Your character is now breathing manually
>Your character spots a spider web and now feels a crawling in his hair

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>>24134707

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>>24137939
>>24138015
>>24138080

>>24137984
I have, but I don't remember it. I remember that it was okay, but had no real redeeming qualities and played out a lot like the DM was rail-roading and using DMPCs a lot.

Regardless, what it is is that you've got a two-level arena. In the middle, on the bottom level, there's a circular marking on the floor. If it detects at least one person from both teams, it comes on, locking them inside as some sort of electricity trap; you try to leave, it electrocutes you. Not for a lot, but enough to dissuade you from it. You can actually just jump or run out if you try.

It detects the players via the amulet they wear that declares what team they're a member of, which can be removed easily.

On either end, next to where the players start, is the thing they're supposed to be guarding: a small covered area with a crystalline cylinder coming out of the top of it. It's completely open to the air, but it's typically out of reach unless you're Large and wielding a Reach weapon. You're supposed to pull the cover over the bottom down and have another team member attack the crystal cylinder. Deal enough damage and it breaks, dropping a golden ball that you take back to your team's starting area to win non-violently.

The upper layer has a massive crystal that's enchanted to be, at the very least, incredibly hard, if not impossible, to break that summons neutral monsters. They attack anyone up there, but won't follow them down. There's an incentive(more money, regardless of win or lose) for killing them. On the other hand, the upper layer extends out into both teams' areas, almost to their starting zone.

If you want any more information, you can ask.

>>24138125
Fuck you, now I'm having trouble being alive
thanks faggot

>>24138198
Eat and drink something
generally helps your body forget that shit.

>1984
>still giving a fuck about any sort of alignment instead of just Roleplaying

Cookie cutter morality does not exist.

>First game
>It's 4th edition
>Decide I want stealth, but also WIZARD
>Roll up an Assassin/Wizard hybrid
>Assign stats randomly
>First combat, I'm squishy and wish to be far from things
>Cast Thunder Wave
>Wait a minute
>Push targets your wisdom modifier metres away from you
>My Wisdom Modifier is -3
>FUCK

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>>24135275
>>24135382


I thought it was hilarious.

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I believe I have improved the drawfags work

>>24136542
They tried. got smacked for doing so.

>>24136522
Let's see, other shit he has done? Not much more in that one adventure, but plenty in the campaign since.

Like the time he activated an item that I made up, teleported you in a random direction a random distance. He ended up in some old lady's house. She freaked out. He punched her out. The guards show up to see what's going on. He activates it again, ends up in the air about 100 feet away and up. Falls for some serious falling damage, runs from the guards. Ends up outside of the city with the guards hunting him through the woods, while the rest of the party is just in the city chilling.

Morning comes, he meets up with the party outside the south gate, disguises himself with the rogue's disguise kit, hides inside the party. The guards show up and pass their checks to see thru disguise. They take him into custody. The party comes up with the BRILLIANT PLAN of turning their cursed bag of devouring inside out as a distraction while they grab their cavalier from the guards (oh yeah, the noobie was a cavalier). I decided that this was not a good idea, and had it summon an extra-dimensional horror to devour them all. It DID distract those guards though. They escaped from a TPK by the skin of their teeth with single digit HP on the three survivors.

>>24138168
This isn't what's being described here >>24137647, though. In that post, the players are actively encouraged to use their metaknowledge of the dungeon's traps. In your image, players are encouraged to just play their characters until they die and then reroll them. The previous post is everything that is worst about both play styles. Meaningless characters that you cheat the system to keep alive.

>>24134259
>>24134259


D&D 3.5
Candles 1 CP
Weight -
100 gold = 10,000 candles
They weigh nothing

How you use these candles is up to you

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First-time DM here
I have a druid on my hands with WIS 18 in 3.5e
Can he really cast a 4th level spell every day?

I want to make sure I'm on the right page here to avoid this kind of shit

>>24138287
Let me tell you about monkeys, Anon.

You see, there was this psychology experiment. They got five monkeys in a cage, and hung a banana in the center. If any of the monkeys went near it, the researchers sprayed them with a firehose.

One by one the monkeys were replaced, and one by one the new monkey approached the banana. If he got too close, the other monkeys would grab him and pull him away from the banana. Eventually, all the monkeys had been replaced, and still they wouldn't go near that banana.

I'm just saying, as long as one player survives, the knowledge is transmitted.

>>24138287
So you're saying that when you reroll a new character, that character should fall for the exact same fucking trap because they don't have IC knowledge of that trap despite the fact that the image clearly states that it was about beating the dungeon, not rigidly sticking to roleplaying?

>>24138355
He gets those bonus spells only once he has earned a spell of that level normally.

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>Junior year of high school
>In a video class
>Teacher's a cool guy, doesn't care too much about what we do as long as we're not just dicking around the whole year
>Friends I hang out with mention D&D, no idea what edition
>Mention my interest in trying it out

>Next day friend DMs a short random-encounter arena game to pass the time
>Roll a Druid, other friend rolls a Fighter or something
>GM sends out a Gibbering Maw
>My other friend immediately tries to shove me into the Gibbering Maw
>Fails
>Gibbering Maw spits acid into my friend's eyes, blinding him
>Most of the game then consists of me as a bird flying away from my friend who is in turn being chased by the Gibbering Maw
>Eventually friend is distracted by other things
>GM friend asks which direction he'll blindly run to
>Friend ends up walking straight into the Gibbering Maw, dies
>Game ends with me just Faerie Fire-ing the damn thing to death

>>24138355
No? Doesn't spell availability go off of class/character level?

>>24138355
What's his character's level? Because, if it's lower than seven, no, he can't cast a 4th level spell. All that 18 Wis means is that, when he gets access to 4th level spells, he gets one extra one.

>>24137444
What if we asked you to draw 4 pigeons 50 times?

>>24138362
That's funny, because that's exactly how my dad describes politics.

>>24138362
If their old characters are going to this one dungeon over and over again for some reason, then it's fine to have them stop people from going up to it. If they're fresh characters being played by veteran players, the players shouldn't use their knowledge of the dungeon to tell new characters that it will turn them insane.