Prepare the cyclonic torpedoes.

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>>25479311
Weak-ass mustache twirling.

>>25479311
When did Xeno start acting like a proper Phaeron?

>>25479414
But that's part of the charm, isn't it? Necron Lords are mustache-twirling Saturday morning cartoon villains, like Megatron and Skeletor and Cobra Commander all mixed up into one.

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>>25479311
Everybody back the fuck up, Deathwatch is on the case.

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>>25479537
CURSE YOU IG JOE!

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>>25479626
GO JOE!

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>>25479626

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>>25479311
This...actually sounds kind of badass.

>>25479669

Goddamn how much dick do you think that little banner girl is forced to take every night?

>>25479710
Forced? That bitch has got a knife, man. She'll fuck you in the ass with your own dick if you mess with her.

>>25479710
Not enough

>>25479311
One of these days, I'm gonna make a Xeno mini for a Cryptek or something. I have most of the bits.

>>25479710
All of it.

>>25479311
But she already acts like that. Until she gets sidetracked and harvests all of their kidneys to make a new planet entirely out of kidneys. Shes like a 12 year old with ADHD and infinite power.

>>25479772
sounds like a pretty neat project- what pieces are you using?

Salutation, Humans. Observe your Emperor. Return focus to me. Reobserve your Emperor. Return focus to me. Regretfully, your Emperor is not me. However, were he to cease employing archaic technology and upgrade to a shiny metallic body, he may resemble me. Direct observation down. Return observation to neutral level. What is your position? You are located on a battleship with the Phaeron your Emperor could resemble. What are you equipped with? Return focus to me. I have it, it is a Tesseract Labyrinth containing those two Primarchs you revere. Observe again. The Primarchs are now C’tan star gods. Anything is possible when your leader is an ageless immortal robot who wields unfathomable technologies that can extinguish entire star systems and not a lifeless husk of what was once a mere mortal. I am embarked upon a Catacomb Command Barge.

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>>25479822
You should include an image of a Necron Lord with your monologue.

>>25479803
Using OP's picture as a guide, I have a torso left over from a Cryptek, I have some arms from immortals, and enough green stuff for the cloak. I lack any heads (Necron or otherwise), and I could take apart one of my Gundam models for the 'wings'.

>>25479879
Just wait until FW releases a model of that pharekh and just slap one of those Reaver miniature femtau heads on it.

>>25479928
I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!

>>25479928
sounds like a plan.

>>25479928

What makes you think they're releasing any more IA12 stuff?

>>25480219
They just released a new Necron thing like two weeks ago.

>>25480399
Technomancer plz go

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>>25480469

>>25480635
You should really stop trying to ruin the thread.

>>25480635
>shit

HA!

>>25480700
Crappy senses of humor ruin threads!

>>25480757

Nothing shart of disaster whill ruin this thread!

This was a perfectly good Necron thread until the diaperfags showed up.

Getting back on track, I assume that >>25479311 means that our littlest Phaeron wouldn't just wholesale exterminate the humans living in her domain?

>>25479311
Lights flickered over a tiny computer screen as the last transmissions of the message were squawked out into the dim light. A massive figure fiddled with the knobs desperately trying to capture and copy the message for later investigation. Three thumps were sounded as a great ham fist came down on the machine.
A statisfied grunt was heard as a disc popped out and a servo sskull floated down and retrieved it from the large sasauge fingers. The figure stretched and began lumbering down the cramped hallway.

"KERNEL! WE'Z GOTS ANUTHER PROBLUM!"

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>>25481274

>>25481308
Is it diction? I think your diction is a problem.

>>25481330

The poor lad's traumatized by the loss of Bob and Tarla.

>>25481274
The transmission was played a 5th time. The Commissar gave a small growl of irritation and took out a small notebook and wrote down some of the key points, circling the important names. The ogryn stood there silently, knowing "Da Kernel's" process. A loud snap was heard as the woman clasped the small book shut and stored it about her person. She turned around and regarded the large Ogryn cooly with her piercing green eyes.

"Lieutenant?" She asked in a calm tone. The Ogryn looked up, interrupted in the middle of a nasal excavation he smiled brightly and said "Yah Kernel?"

"What do you make of this message?" She asked as if she was asking a fellow scientist on his opinion of a new type of bacteria.

"Dunno." He said bluntly "Lotsa big words but fey sound like fey want us to stop servin' da Emprah... And Dat's just stoopid that is" he said in a matter of factly tone as he flicked the remaining gunk off of his index finger.

She gave a small grim smile, a smile that meant she was hearing what she wanted and expected from him.

"And what do we do to those who would drive us from the path of righteousness?"

Krutz grinned, he knew the answer by heart.
"We bash dem on da head till dey stop moovin'." He said jovially.

"Assembel the troops then lieutenant, the emperors enemies do not rest... and nethier shall we."

>>25482032
*dey

Also Screw auto correct

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>>25482032
MEANWHILE, IN MAGOS DEL TIEMPOS!
I mean, a nearby Krooza.
"Kaptin, deres a real big scrap goin on down dere."
"A scrap, eh? Well ya know wot dey say, boys, where deres scrap, deres loot! Bring us down, boys!"

>>25482146
Well squig shite.

>>25482162
We gettin ourselves a full blown Dark Crusade up in here. Now we just need tau proper, some SPORSS MUHREENS, some KAYOSS, and some eldar.

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>>25482195
DID SOMEBODY SAY CHAOS?

>>25482218
Yeah. We can drag along Cultist-chan and maybe one of them homebrew /tg/ chapters. Not Reasonable Marines. Those niggas be faggots.

>>25482250
I vote Blood Jaguars.

>pure dynasty
As does captcha.

>>25482297
They have a hateboner for Scraplootas too, so it fits.

The ultimate /tg/ 40k campaign has Xeno's dynasty, the Scraplootas, the Blood Jaguars, the Inquisitorial Retinue that Gav ended up in, Dranon and Cultist, and potentially the 1st Membranes?

Sounds fun as fuck.

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>>25482350
Maybe with Marcia and Unnamed Commissar tagging along with the Membranes for shits and giggles

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>>25482385
>eldar aid tagging along with a company full of insane psykers

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>>25482439
Exactly.

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>>25482350

>>25482439
Never a more perfect image for this idea.

>>25482350

Is there any reason that /tg/ hasn't made their own Craftworld or Kabal? Or does /tg/ just not like Eldar?

>>25482679
/tg/ tends to not care about eldar. So far as I know, as well, there is not a craftworld or kabal which operates within Tiji Sector.

But we have a thread!

>>25482679

We had an idea for a bosozoku-themed craftworld, then realised it was just Saim-Hann all over again.

I think we did make a kabak, though.

>>25482717
Yes, we did make a kayak.

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>>25482679
Theres the Fanseer Craftworld that tails after the Scraplootas so as to hide behind them, but their whole shtick is avoiding battle.

/tg/ hasnt really made a tau sept or a chaos warband either. Wait, actually I think we made exactly one of each. Sept Viet and that Glistening Host thing.

Still, though, /tg/ much prefers the Imperium over the xenos.

>>25482734
What kind of Kazakh was it?

>>25482745
A beef kebab.

>>25482736
I love how we type on /tg/. Like we're actually talking to each other. Like, you said "wait", but you could've just backspaced.

It's part of what makes posts here so much more fun to read.

>>25482745
Well, it was quite a mighty Karak...just infested with trolls.

>>25482736

Viet Sept was pretty cool, I have to admit.

>>25482761

remove kebab

>>25482745
The Kazerad was a piece of shit who wouldn't give us the updates we needed

So, the most important question: campaign theme song?

I vote William's Overture. That's the song that plays at sunrise in every cartoon ever.

>>25482836
Each faction needs their own. Scraplootas get this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whxcq4I0kAo

>>25482736

I think a /tg/ Kabal could be hilariously awesome. Dark Eldar have all of the petty dickishness of Craftworlders, but their ruthlessness means they're way more likely to finish their vendettas in a spectacularly bloody fashion (or hand someone a black hole in a box)

Dark Eldar have the best extreme sports too! Jetbiking and skyboarding are about as thrilling as it can get in the 40k verse.

>that moment when your sister knocks on your door crying because her friend is in the hospital after trying to commit suicide
>that moment when you realize you care less about that than a song about orks

>captcha: olchan that

"I DON'T KNOW WUT I'VE BEEN TOLD"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE TOLD" came the reply of the platoon marching in step behind Gav, who continued marching in an awkward silence for a couple of seconds before stating "No really I don't know."

Commissar Celia smiled at the amusing antics her Lieutenant and began to observe the rest of the formation in the gargantuan hangar in the ship. Two companies of guardsmen were called to this great defense of the imperium, spread across the numerous transport ships at teir disposal. Her heart soared at the sight of the men drilling and preparing to lay down their lives for the imperium. One platoon she noticed among the number gave her an uneasy feeling.

They gathered amongst themselves and chatted, their uniforms were covered by a white lab coat and various regalia. If it were not for the small lights and sparks that seemed to fire off from their cranium the Commissar could have maybe mistaken them for penal gang.

She fingered her bolt pistol unconsciously and almost drew when she heard footsteps behind her. She sighed in relief at the apporaching figure. Fells the Tech priest gave a simple nod as he stood beside her. His mechanical "eyes" scanned the multitude and he gave a metallic cough.

"I've noticed a large conglomerate of Ostlers in the north west quadrent." He stated cautiously.

"I know." She replied coldly.

"Are you worried?" He asked

"No." She said her eyes narrowing "Because I know what to do if things go wrong." She said herring her bolt pistol with grim finality.

She always knew what to do.

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>>25482908
>skyboarding
CW Eldar did it first.

>>25482918
>an entire platoon, in perfect synchronization

"No, really, I don't know!"

>>25482859
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whxcq4I0kAo
perfect

>>25482908
/tg/ would make the whole kabal a bunch of drizzt clone renegades, just to make a point or be ironic or something.

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>>25482944
Aint it.

>>25482918
this is gonna be goooooooooood

>>25482948

Repentant Dark Eldar would be interesting. Constantly bemoaning the fact that they must cause pain to survive, sometimes resorting to cutting themselves with their dual mono-molecular scimitars...

>>25482828
>Kazerad

Isn't this the guy that does that Oblivion khajiit webcomic? The one with the floppy ears.

>>25482948
>not making them all alter their pigmentation to become delicious brown elves

Anyways, suppose on the itinerary tonight is a kabal.

Who the fuck knows shit about deldar. I know they use bondage to stay alive or some shit.

Hallucinogens and laughing gas sound fun. Joker Kabal, anyone?

or we can base an entire kabal off of Freaky Fred. After all, those Deldar are a bit...naughty

>>25483018
The only one I know like that is, I believe, Katia. Who strips naked and fucks orcs, but always has her one lockpick.

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>>25483021
Sexy, brown S&M eldar? I'm in.

>>25483042
>strips naked and fucks orcs
what

really

>>25483021

Dark Eldar totally use hallucinogen grenades. Also, a Joker Kabal would party it up with a Harlequin band at all times.

Alternately, hipster Dark Eldar that inflict emotional pain to survive instead of physical pain

>>25483066

Prequel Adventure. It's a very love-it-or-hate-it kinda comic, that started out on the MSPA forums.

>>25483121
that's

not really what I asked

>>25483066
Something like that. Read it years ago. Was really funny, actually, not using the khajiit thing as a copout for furry shit or something.

which was good, because I was still young and pseudo innocent at the time

And thought it riotously funny that some naked girl still had one lockpick.

>>25482918
Large conglomeration of Psykers *


Autocorrect on a kindle fire IS ANNOYING

>>25482195
Sports Marines?

>>25483129

Yes, really. Those things happen.

>>25483133
>Psykers
>to Ostlers

Also, herring is a fish. Hefting?

>>25483165
Great, now the Membranes need a Sergeant Ostler.

>>25483021
Nah, they have to keep entertained or they die. The more bored they get, the closer their souls go to Slaanesh, which causes pain. So most of them immediately get some shit switched in their brain that says pain = pleasure, which buys them time for a while. Then they have to get more and more interesting manners of entertainment as the constant supply of pleasure eventually deadens their response to things. Some DEldar get severe body reconstruction, like Wracks or Scourges, some of them rely on steady supplies of the weirdest drugs on the market, like Hellions, Wyches, and Beastmasters.
Some of them, however, gain Actual Power in the Comorraugh. Fortunes are spent on slave runs for those who lead, and those who lead use their slaves for one purpose: The Privilege of being bored. See, they can use the pain and sensation of OTHER souls to trick Slaanesh into taking other souls, buying them precious time for the most bourgeois of past times: Resting, being bored, taking a break from stimulation.
At first, a soul buys them a day. Then it takes two after enough time, when that tug of Slaanesh gets stronger and stronger. Eventually, in the cases of folks like Asdrubael Vect and the like, thousands of souls are collected, tasted, and passed on so that they may live one more day. For the longer they live, the more life is not worth living; But if they die, it's the worst kind of hell for them. Such is the plight of the Eldar.

>>25483178
Except instead of horses, he take care of herrings.

And conglomerations of him randomly appear.

>>25482918
Well I might fall asleep


Or not

depending if this thread is still alive in the morning I'll more stuff and stuff on the other factions in this Dark Crusade

We're archiving this right? This is too good of an idea to let it die.

>>25483165
Oh thank goodness you see it too.

>>25483186
That's so edgy, grim, and dark

If /tg/ made a Kabal, it'd probably be the ones trying their best to be perpetually bored, but Slaanesh refuses to take their souls.

>>25483232
You are not the only autist available tonight.

>>25483186

I forgot that the new Scourge fluff has them getting hollow bones and biological wings installed. It'd be pretty cool to be able to swoop around like that.

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>>25482859
>There will never be a Dawn of War Ork Campaign about sneaking about with kommandos and drowning people in waves of grots while mucking about as the Scraplootas
>There will never be a mission where Threegrot and Fizzgutz have to use their weirdboy powers fuck up some Chaos plan or something
>There will never be a final mission where you have to clear and defend a dropzone for Boris da Titan and then play the rest of the mission AS Boris, smashing and shooting and chopping while http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whxcq4I0kAo plays and the credits start to roll.

>>25479710
She's a good cadian girl, plus she has all the women backing her up which in Cadian regiments is supposed to be like half.
Forced dickings only kinda works when theres more men then women.
Also commissar headshots hurt.

>>25483248
I can see it now, a cabal that has learned to ENJOY the dull repetitions of boredom. They're having too good a time being bored out of their skulls, like some sort of insane hipster variation of the insane hipster race.
>"Hey, Boris, we're off to go flay dozens of asian schoolchildren with rose thorns, c'mon, it'll be great."
>"Ugh, no, I'm just going to sit here and watch my paint dry. I'm not surprised you don't get into it, but don't drag me out to the rat races."
Add chocolate elves and serve.

>>25483521

I like it. They don't watch their slaves fight in gladiatorial arenas, they watch them work office jobs. Instead of torturing slaves, they ask them to describe their day at work in extreme detail.

>>25483617
Or they tell them that they really need them to come in on Saturday.

>>25483625

Those fiends!

now the Kabal just needs a name...

>>25483248
>>25483521
>>25483617
Why is this concept so hilarious to me?

>"I shall take you to the Haemonculi, Mon'keigh...and have you file their taxes for eternity. Your agony will not amuse me in the least."

>>25483641
>Kabal of the Apathetic Yawn

>>25483656
Its basically that Office Vampire character from Dilbert, just in 40K.

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>>25483625
Sirs, meet your new archon. Same as the old Archon.

>>25483521
>>25483617
>>25483625
>>25483641
>>25483656
>>25483679
Wait, did I have a good idea? Oh shit!

>>25483687
>>25483693
Dilbert+OfficeSpace+Hellraiser = ???

>>25483698
Just because /tg/ latched onto it doesn't mean its good. I definitely don't think this kabal should be the brown elf cabal, unless sexy S&M brown elves asking you to come in on Saturday is part of the appeal, but all in all its pretty amusing. Hard to see them being too proactive in battle, though.

Craftworld Gal'o- Senghain.

Make it happen.

Hard mode: No bikes, only warp spiders.

>>25483656
>Welcome to your new life, mon'keigh.
>Before you begin performing your designated tasks, you must fill out these forms for slave registration, tax withholdings, and your 401k.
>In triplicate.
>Be warned, we will all be watching you MOST intently...

>>25483728
I'm gonna need you to...'come in' on saturday *wink*

>>25483728

It's definitely not a good fit for the brown elf Kabal, but I can definitely get behind this particularly unique brand of torture.

>>25483728
They're the ones setting up red tape all over the webway, sealing off enemy settlements with a million eldritch post-it notes and replacing enemy supplies with crates of staplers, paper clips and sharpies.

>>25483789
And while they never go slave hunting on their own, they always manage to steal other kabal’s slaves from the fridge when no one is looking, just like that goddamn bastard who always eats your pudding cup no matter how much you label or hide it.

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>>25483186
>At first, a soul buys them a day. Then it takes two after enough time, when that tug of Slaanesh gets stronger and stronger. Eventually, in the cases of folks like Asdrubael Vect and the like, thousands of souls are collected, tasted, and passed on so that they may live one more day. For the longer they live, the more life is not worth living; But if they die, it's the worst kind of hell for them. Such is the plight of the Eldar.
Thousands of souls. Watch out folks we've got a badass here. Keep going man, keep going at this rate I'll only need a midnight snack or something.

>>25483789

Their raids on human settlements are particularly well-organized affairs. They glass the local administration from orbit, and then notify the populace to move towards their nearest onboarding station, where they are interviewed and receive their ID badges before being filed into the slave cubicles aboard the Kabal's ships.

>>25483761
>>25483776
They can still have the BDSM vibe, though. Maybe give them clothing and armor that looks like office wear if DEldar made it, so basically lots of spikes and thongs and some ties and blazers.

>>25483679
>Kabal of the Meaningless Existence

>>25479710
>Force
>Cadian
She could field strip a lasgun by 3. She can resist your advances more fiercely than a magical tsundere.

>>25483879
>Kabal of the Endless Void

It's a loose translation. The Kabal of an Unending, Unloving, and Unexciting Existence Devoid of any Significant Purpose or Meaning would be more accurate.

>>25483982
>Kabal of the White Collar

>>25484020
Yes

>>25484020

or Pale Collar, to make it a little less overt.

>>25482918
ITS FUCKING GAV, HOLY FUCK!
there hasn't been wqritefaggotry of him since old /tg/

>>25484031
>less overt

We can do that?

>>25484060

Maybe? Sometimes it's nice to have a little subtlety.

>>25483982
They force others to always speak their name in full, every time.

>>25479822

7/10, should've been Calgar in the Tesseract Labyrinth. Because fuck Calgar.

>>25484111

It's pretty long in Low Gothic.
It's even longer in Eldar.

>>25484111
magine if they got a hold of a champion of the ultrasmurfs
>force them to recite his name and al his titles properly
>they literally get so off on it that slannesh just has to sit there for a minute in the warp going "what in the flying fuck?"

>>25484165
"...The Second Commandant of the Gato System Secondary Reinforcement Platoon.."

"Oh yeah, work the shaft!"

>>25484165

Each and every Kabal member has a really long and pointless corporate title.
A lowly Warrior consigned to slave guarding duties, for example, could be Regional Assistant Junior Vice-Sybarite of Belligerent Mon'keigh Relations.

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>>25484165
>>25484202
It turns out the tau actually LIKE to fill out all those files and reports, making them poor prey for the Kabal of the Pale Collar. It also explains their tiny warp presence, because they're soulless freaks who actually enjoy paperwork.

>>25484202
>>25484220
i imagine it ends up where slannesh finds this giant group of dark eldar, can't even attempt to figure out how in the hell this happened and is probably trying to capture and or kill them because of the fact that somehow something in the universe has stumped him in the way of how do they get pleasure from that.

this also explains why sahit like abbadon ends up in the tiji sector often with a rather large assortment of people to go fuck everything up.

>>25483982
>mfw this is the name I gave to my homebrew kabal

>>25484220
Just one of his many titles, other including:

Secondary Chief Translator of Lower Human Dialects
Chief Payroll Accountant and Auditor of Indentured Servant Block B14-76D-XX3
Initial Planetary Landing Hostage and Contract Negotiator for Sector Tiji in Non-Hostile Operations with Mon-Keigh and Mon-Keigh like Entities, including but not limited to Orks of average intelligence and certain Tau Enclaves

>>25484220

To satisfy the intense thirst of the Kabal's highest leaders, the Haemonculi devised some particularly cruel practices, including "meetings" and "business conferences." Lunch is provided - sandwiches consisting solely of white bread and mayonnaise.

>>25484329
And that low-grade processed lunchmeat that smells like packaged farts.

>>25484351
>low-grade processed lunchmeat that smells like packaged farts.
Not that fucking stuff, man. You forgot to mention how it is so lacking in any sort of flavor that it is almost a flavor unto itself to the point its sickening.

It tastes like disappointment, plain and simple.

>>25484370
The sandwiches are a significant step up from the grey sludge that gets deposited in the cubicles every 12 hours.

This interview revealed the Eldar in question to be a spy from a rival Kabal. He was henceforth demoted and had a fruitcake sent to his mother in his name.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c

Seriously, breaking the alcohol policy?

>>25483698
How to work with the foundation of gangs, triads and sadistic into this.

I'm thinking traffickers. Specialist is trafficking and space faring, a lesser Kabal that works for one of the better known, kind of like a biker gang. But like any good biker gang the warfare colours are a front for a group of very intelligent people. Lawyers and accountants who are good at what they do. So yea could work well.

Ohh, give them enough credentials that people in a bind would consider turning to them for assistance. Other Eldar know better, but as Dark eldar corsairs they are possibly going to help you for a price. Occasionally some cargo goes missing, but you don't ask questions when they show you the papers you've signed in triplicate to you as a reminder that they own you.

Give them a rivalry with a small Craft world that specializes in diplomatic contact and political maneuvering as they have similar colours and happen to always be in the same system, even after the craftworld moves onto a new sector.

>>25484461

Yeah! They can function as lawyers and middlemen, acting as a neutral authoritative body for contracts and accords between other Kabals.

The slaves they receive from other Kabals for their fees tend to be very confused by the contrast between their previous tortured existence and their new tortured existence in the Pale Collar cubicles.

>>25479311
NO
that is what was wrong with Xeno.

>>25484594
Dont worry friend, things got silly again.

>>25484605
good, good

>>25484605
It was probably just Drone doing his crazy shenanigans while Xeno is adventuring.

>>25484619
Whatever it was, we have a Dark Crusade on our hands now.

>>25484526
>Be a mon'keigh captured by Dark Eldar
>Regularly flayed and rolled in salt, shit sucks
>Guard comes in cell, says I've been sold to another Kabal
>What kind of stupid name is Pale Collars?
>Get handed over, placed in a private cell
>Gray floor, gray ceiling, gray walls - 7x7x7 feet
>Literally nothing happens, edible sludge drops from ceiling every so often
>Relieved at first, glad to not be constantly flayed
>Months, maybe years go by
>Boredom sets in strong, losing grip on reality
>I swear I hear them watching behind the walls

>>25484658
You know things are bad when you start to actually miss the salt baths.

>>25484671
>Be slave in Pale Collar cubicle
>Strapped to ever-so-slightly-uncomfortable chair
>Eyes taped open, neck restrained to face rear wall of cubicle
>Every so often, one of the bastards comes in
>He applies yet another coat of gray paint to the wall...

I must be off to sleep now, gents. Keep up the good work, and archive this is anyone knows how to(i.e. is not me).

>>25484740

Same here. Last time I tried to archive a thread it did not go well...

>>25484658
No, no, no, no.

After they are transfered they are sent to the initiation week where they are introduced to the Pale Collars image, Kabal design, ethics, basic documentation. The ethical design of the Kabal and the aim to improve you to your full potential.

Then you are introduced to your teem leader, and the team building exercises. Then you get your mentor who will help you learn your corporate duty and plan your personal development.

All delivered from the dead lifeless eyes and voice of a member of the Kabal.Who constantly wants to help you in that dead placid way. And then you start to get your tasks. Cold calling other Kabals, documentation and accounting in preparation for accurate filing and long term storage. And other such fun

>>25484756

Either way, the flayings are definitely something you'd start missing after a while.

>>25484768
Well, the goal is to make you want to kill yourself but never give you the time to do so. But the key is to drain you of life so much that to kill yourself is just too difficult. Even when you are cutting open boxes of new binders and filling the brand new compactor.

>>25484816

Or properly collating copies of blank sheets of paper.

>>25484740
>>25484753

I put it up on the archive. I'd like to see if we can't get some more stuff for this Kabal at a later time, like an emblem or maybe some characters.

>>25484844
No, that's inefficient. And the Kabal can't have you wasting precious copy paper. You need to collate the inter-office communication documentation, through the Eldar alphabetical/runic system. By stroke.

>>25484768
Flaying? Sounds right up Xeno's alley!

>>25484882

Well, the colors would be navy blue, dark grey, and the necklines of every suit of armor would be painted white...

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>Somebody tries to start a shit Xeno thread.
>Gets hijacked by white collar Dark Eldar genius.

I fucking love you /tg/. Polishing turds in to diamonds, you lovable rogues.

>>25484944
Hey now, the Xeno thing also spawned the Dark Crusade that spawned the White Collar DEldar. Be thankful for the little retard.

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>>25484944
>Polishing turds into diamonds
That sounds like incredibly intense gay sex to me.

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>>25485015
>all these people dissing chainsaw armor.

>>25485009
Well, World War 2 was thankful for the space program, but I don't regularly say "Thank God for Hitler, without that Holocaust we'd never have the Hubble."

How would the Harlequins react to the White Collars?

>>25485048

No clue, but the Pale Collars all wish that the Harlequins would do something a little more productive with their time.

>>25485048

They provide office party entertainment and perform the most inoffensive, dull play in their repertoir during the annual get-together.

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>>25484711
Why?

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This is how you remove humans.

Aww shit, this Pale Collar guys are a valid new idea! Remember about the Dark Eldar Kabal who inflicted mental pain instead of physical pain? Pale Collars perfected that art years ago.
Via documents signed in triplicate, forwarded to your eldar mother-in-law, detailing how your day was. And it was mandatory. And eldar mother-in-laws are worse than regular mother-in-laws.
And did I mention that these guys skip the 'getting married to a hot eldar wife' part?

>>25484944
I don't think it was that shit...

>>25485989
It would be more cruel if you were married to a hot eldar wife... who never, ever puts out.

>>25486863
"Not tonight, mon'keigh. I have a headache."

>>25486863
>>25488320

And she always wears a frumpy, baggy nightgown to bed.

>>25484740
>>25484753
its like you don't know how foolz works
http://archive.foolz.us/tg/thread/25479311/

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>>25484927

Here's a really poorly done paint mockup.

>>25485397

Because your monthly performance review indicated a need for additional motivation.

Now, please fill out this 90-page survey regarding the paint you just witnessed.

>Gray Paint Focus Testing
>1. Would you describe your experience more as 'dull' or 'unexciting'?
>There are literally hundreds more questions like this...

>>25489244
Sometimes the questions are repeated later in the survey. If any such questions are answered inconsistently, you'll have to undergo a focus-group course followed by a resubmission of the offending questions, in addition to any similar questions that may have also been answered incorrectly (i.e. all of them). This must be completed within three business days of the original filing.
Additionally, please take some time to review each of the four(4) carbon copies and ensure that they are all legible. Keep the WHITE (original) copy for your records (these will be audited at the end of the quarter), file the GREEN copy with your immediate supervisor, the YELLOW copy with your supervisor's supervisor, and the GREY copy with the head of Sapient Resources: Preservation of Work Ethic and Personalized Motivation Services.
The BLUE copy should be left on the table at which it was taken, unless your survey supervisor has left, in which case it goes to Internal Affairs and Logistics: Mon'keigh Management Division.
Please note that failure to file each copy properly may lead to disciplinary action including mandatory company procedure re-training and/or a period of unpaid internship in the Accountancy Department.

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>>25489354

Only the dead can know peace from this evil.

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>"fixing" 40k

>>25489386
Sure, once they fill out their release paperwork and file it all properly.

>>25482250
And I'll be sure to "accidentally" push Cultist under a baneblade's treads

>>25479311
>Fixing xeno
>Possible
Xenos always was, is currently, and always will be pants on head retarded.

>>25483417
Not really, even assuming men and women are equal physically, it wouldn't be too hard for some rapists to sneak up on her when she isn't surrounded by people, and just rape her.

>>25484927
>Grey and beige with white collars.

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>>25489486
Allows mes to disagrees

>>25489354
>Mon'keigh Management Division
>Using racist slurs
>In an office setting
Seems like someone needs to visit sapient resources to receive some counseling.

>>25489244
I can only imagine what casual Friday is like:
"You can wear jeans, only if no one sees you, but if they do, it lowers your stock portfolio. Otherwise, you will receive an addition workload, unless notified by a manager of your condition, which can only be approved by a subordinate."

>>25489576

The Pale Collars' Human Resources department is a little too literally named for comfort.

>>25489465
She comes back from that kind of thing, you know.

>>25489619
God-Emperor dammit. We need to find a way of killing her permanently

>>25489637
To be fair, I cant thing of a single person a dark crusade has ever killed permanently. Even Eldrad escaped certain death.

>>25489595

There is an incredibly complicated schedule determining whether Beige, Gray, or Navy is the uniform color of the day. The pattern seems logical at first, proceeding in a regular order for moths at a time before single outlier days reverse the order. Wearing the wrong uniform begets unspeakable punishment.

In whispered tones by the water cooler, one mon'keigh claims it has something to do with the phases of a particularly unimportant moon in a wholly unremarkable sector.

>>25483186
>For the longer they live, the more life is not worth living; But if they die, it's the worst kind of hell for them. Such is the plight of the Eldar.

Man. As shitty a place as 40k is, the eldar fluff really needs to get Isha freed. Maybe when, like, ward's favorite knight burns down nurgle's garden, and gets corrupted by slannesh, Ish an just... sneak the heck out of there with eldar trickery

Its like, every time the eldar try to do something, the whole 'why would a dying race risk xyz' thing comes up.

Putting them on the road to recovery, having isha snatch the reins of the dark eldar - and keeping up the consumption because SHE needs to gain in power and rework souls of her race - would do a lot to making the race a lot more believable

>>25489739
The punishment for wearing the wrong uniform is to be shot into the void of space outside of the galaxy in a space suit with IV and oxygen life support systems to last centuries.

>>25479788

I have to use that for a Dark Heresy game.

So how much sanity damage for Planet Kidney?

>>25489818
I thought it was having to run the Office Nursery. Theres nothing worse than having to look after overstimulated children in an office space.

>>25489818

The visor of the suit, however, has been painted over with a particularly uninteresting shade of gray.

>>25489843
You just came from her Twitter, didn't you?

>>25489843
You're mostly okay at first, until you land and find out there is also kidneyfauna. There is no terror greater than that you feel when running from a hungry Kidneysaurus Rex.

>>25489926

Twitter? I am sad to say that i am not, is there some kind of Kidneyworld related twitter?

>>25489928

Kidneysaurus: Fear 5.

>>25490001
No, I just think it's awfully coincidental that Xeno just commented on the kidney planet post in her Twitter and all of a sudden we're talking about it here, too.

>>25490061

Ah, i was just responding to the mention of planet Kidney earlier in the thread.

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So whereas the Grotocracy within Boris is all about a swiftly changing and backstabbing office environment where everyone wants to get rich quick or die trying, the Cabal of the Pale Collar from the Endless Void is about stagnation and paper work and everyone wanting to die but instead are forced to keep working.

I like it.

>>25490283

It's only the poor slaves that want to die. The Kabal members take a sick enjoyment from experiencing and inflicting all manner of monotony. Of course, showing pleasure totally ruins the vibe, so they tend to express themselves in bored and detached tones.

I bet their Archon sounds like Ben Stein.

>>25490404
Oh, I guess the part where they are really bored and want to be picked up by Slaanesh but Slaanesh refuses because it thinks it's funny was scrapped?

>>25490460

Oh no, they confuse the ever-loving shit out of Slaanesh.

See this post:
>>25483521
>They're having too good a time being bored out of their skulls, like some sort of insane hipster variation of the insane hipster race.

I see it as a group of Dark Eldar realizing that boredom and monotony have just as many nuances and variations to explore as pain or pleasure.

>>25490522

Also, they probably think that Muzak is the purest form of art.

Actually, Muzak might be a little too exciting...

>>25490787
They prefer slow, soft, inoffensive elevator music.
Just the one track, on a loop. Forever.

>>25490787
Muzak? Please, that is pleb filth. They listen to dialtones.

>>25484329
Mon Keigh are regularly subjected to 8hr phone conferences with topics like "inport and export regulations, tariffs, duties, and embargos in Commoraugh." And the host of the conference is on cell-vox, on speaker, with poor reception. Constantly cutying in and out.

>>25490817
A soothing chorus of modems always playing in the background.

>>25480955
Isn't that the case with every thread?

>>25490787
>>25490805
>>25490817
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/As_Slow_as_Possible

They listen to something like this. The piece changes notes once or twice a year, and takes 639 years to complete.

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>>25488977

You forgot to wear a tie. That's a dress code violation.

>>25483139
Being fair, she does an awful lot of regrettable things when drunk, but she lives a shit enough life that *I* want to drink just reading about it.

>>25491134
Oh shit there's a guide now, this might just have to happen.

Once this is fleshed out we need a page for The Great Dark Crusade and for the Mahala of the Pale Collar

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>>25483857
I thought the parallel was rather interesting, myself. The ancient ruler of the race with the vast empire, whose presence alone causes order where there would normally be chaos, but who requires thousands of very specific souls a day simply to survive. The only difference is, Vect is still doing shit.

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>>25483521
Alright, why - in-universe- do they go with brown?

>>25491266
*Kabal

THATS RIGHT IM BACK

>>25490404
Members of the Kabal of the Pale Collar show their extreme pleasure through a neutral frown and a sigh or groan of boredom.

>>25491292

"How is our eternal charge today, Daram?"

"He is looking well, Menaril.....Well, not well... A bit under the weather.. Unfit?... Somewhat reduced?...Ok, honestly? He looks like groundup dogfood that have passed through some mongrel two or three times."

".....You always were perhaps a bit too honest, Daram."

>>25491308
Not sure if they should be brown Eldar. It doesn't mesh as well with the current Office Space vibe right now.

>>25491311
Insert neutral frown here.

>>25491431
Maybe they're Indian.

>>25490920
Too exotic. I prefer the one elevator music track on a loop forever.

>>25491463
Yes, they make their slaves work at a call center, where everyone who calls them is polite (but not too polite), specific, but who forgets to mention a very specific detail that turns fixing a mundane problem into a living hell. They spend hours on the phone with a single customer, not being yelled at, simply trying to fix a very minor software issue.

Their Dark Eldar masters of course patch any constant issue, causing ten more for each issue the patch fixes.

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>>25490017
>Kidneysaurus

>>25491531
"Hello, thank you for calling the Kabal of the Pale caller tech support. This is Doug, what may I assist you with?"

Daemons are overruning my strike cruiser, emperor help us!

"Have you checked to see if the Gellar field is plugged in and working, sir?"

>>25490460
No, see, they get off on being bored/boring, something that not even Slaanesh understands.

>>25491625
*Collar, god fucking damnit!

>>25490920
If it drones on that long then you can just ignore. Listening to the same fucking two or three tracks day in and day out is what gets you.

I work in a bookstore/cafe and trust me, once you get to the point where you can recite all the lyrics to a song from a band you hate, cabin fever starts to set in like a bitch.

>>25491308
I think we are saving the Delicious Brown Cabal for something else.

Darl Eldar sexual harrassment trainging slideshow?...

How can we write this up so it's way more mundane than it sounds?

>>25491715

I'm not sure if you can make it sound mundane, since it's supposed to be a bizarrely excessive Dark Eldar brand of mundane.

>>25489354
>Using easily-differentiable colours for your forms
No no, anon. You send the BEIGE copy to your immediate supervisor, the TAUPE copy to your supervisor's supervisor. The FUSCIA copy is yous, but the MAGENTA copy goes to the head of Sapient Resources. The GOLDENROD form is left on your desk, while the MAIZE copy is left on the table where you found it.

No, of course we're not going to explain which is which. This is basic stuff here.

>>25491772
Well, what about tales of Kabal members who make claims of harassment at the slightest glance upon them?

"Mon-keigh, the way you glanced my reflection in your computer monitor made me feel very uncomfortable. If this happens again,I'm going to have to report this to HR."

Also, for their banner/sigil, lets get a clippy look alike from microsoft office up there.

>>25492204
You could always do the opposite where NOT fulfilling the bizarre sexual desires of your superiors is considered sexual harassment and you have to sit through a six hour unpaid seminar on sexuality in the office if you dont comply.

Of course, your involvement in these sexual escapades is always boring as fuck, like greasing up the dildoes or organizing the whips by style and length or having to act as stenographer while watching someone hyper-violate someone.

>>25492411
Actually this is a much better idea anon. Maybe I'll take a crack at it once I'm out of my cubicle hell.

Like the stenographer idea, keeping an excess of 120wpm of the lewd violating acts of the supervisor, while not being reviled or slightly turned on by any of tge events you are recording.

>>25492204
>>25492411

Both of these scenarios, simultaneously. There's some kind of byzanthine rule system that govens who gets to have sex with whom and how, so some of the kabal members will send you to a sexual harassment seminar for a stray glance while others will force you to lubricate grox dildoes or compile orgy invite lists.

>>25492167
What the hell is 'Taupe?'

>>25492728
Every so often a person gets punished for sexual harassment, either too much or not enough, and they have to sit through a Sensitivity Retraining Seminar. The rules change whenever the higher ups decide they do and if you ever claim you following the proper rules, they always have some obscure memo that you missed to punish you with negligence over.

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>>25492858

This.

>>25492896
On a slow day you might get 35 memos sent to your cubicle, some through email, some being solid copies, some being both, with a minor, but important detail that one has but not the other.

Also, the Kabal never forces anyone to join, they simply have them sign a contract on a seemingly unrelated topic. Some Dark Eldar find you wounded and offer to operate on you to save your life, but before they do they need you to sign a document saying that you won't sue them if anything goes wrong. It is 5,639 pages long and they don't start getting into the fact that you become their slave until page 4,621, under extended life saving care.

>>25492896
And the punishment for missing said office memos: a 40 hour time management training module

>>25493010
Unpaid.

>>25493022

All work is unpaid. Why would the Kabal pay the slaves anything in the first place?

>>25493055
Oh no, they have salaries.

It's just that they have to be deducted for office supplies used, breaks taken, mandatory charges for morale boosting picnics, lunch room privileges, cleaning, retention for Haemonculus health plans, social security, work comp, etcetera etcetera and oh look, they owe the ARCHON money, gee, guess you're going to have to stay in an extra four hours.

>>25493055
Actually, you technically earn wages, but theres so many different punsihments and deductions throughout an average workday that you usually end up even more in debt at the end of the day. But still, the potential to earn is there, because there is nothing more dreary than the faintest of hopes being crushed daily. Some slaves even tell stories of a man whose work and behavior was so impeccable that he not only actually earned his wage for once, but actually bought his own freedom.

Alternatively, they never pay their slaves ever, but append the word unpaid to any punishments to make them that much more depressing.

>>25493055
Of course it's all unpaid. The training seminars are "mandatory". Failure to attend seminars or devote your attention to the subject matter presented is back to the sexual harassment topic: properly filing xenos fapfics in a warehouse full of filing cabinets arranged by length, subject matter, paper color, date, and time.

Anyways, has anybody got to work on a 1d4chan page or got any of this down outside of this thread?

Entertainment is provided with slaves given the choice of stitting in their cubicle for an extended period of time and playing a game of second edition FATAL, complete with expanded character creation rules and neccessary forms to fill out for requistioning and using office supplies. Unsurprisingly most choose the former option or fill in the neccessary forms to transfer to it after trying the latter.

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>R: 255 / I: 38

>>25493628
Dude, we started talking about Dark Eldar Office Space a long while back.

This isn't about Xeno at all.

>>25493685
Doesn't matter, had sex.

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>>25493818
What does that even mean in this context?

>>25493859
I don't think you would understand, tiny Xeno.

>>25493859
It means stale pop culture references.

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This is how you deal with troll threads /tg/. Derail them in to something good.

>>25493916
See, though, I don't think that this was a troll thread.

>>25493916
I don't think it was that much of a troll thread, I think OP really thought that making Xeno srs bsns would make her more enjoyable.

>>25493985
Well, okay then, this is how you deal with delusional retards posting, you ignore them and make a thread good.

>>25493985
I don't think Xeno's all that serious, she's just got a vizier to be serious on her behalf. Phaerons rarely deliver their own threats.

Okay, enough Xeno stupidity. Can we go back to white collar Dark Eldar mental torture?

Cause I'm wondering if they have dental.

>>25494015
Except the really warlike ones.

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>>25494045
>Xeno stupidity

>>25494065
Well, sure, but even then they generally let their minions threaten on their behalf. Addressing mortals is beneath them.

>>25493916
This wasnt really a troll thread. It was just a fun thread.
>>25494015
Shes pretty much that insane phaeron whose name I have forgotten that thinks he is still a necrontyr and that everyone else is too, except she just happens to think she is the little tau girl instead. And she seems to think people like her and she isn't an abomination-creating abomination, too.

>>25494069
Stupidity about Xeno, not Xeno's stupidity.

>>25494045
Just like any other kabals. One of the advantages of joining a kabal is potentially getting resurrected, or at least healed by the haemonculi, it's the canonical DE equivalent of dental.

I guess the creativity in this thread has run dry. A shame.

>>25494045
I personally want more writefaggotry on the Dark Crusade with Gav, the Membranes, the Scraplootas, and Xenos Dynasty.

>>25494089
She does have some friends, though.

But really, she's more like the little tau girl who tries her best to be a big scary but fair phaeron.

what is this thread about again?

>>25494112
so do I.

It's called the Soh'dan dynasty apparently

>>25494124
It was about a shitty mary sue.

Then it turned into The Grim Darkness of Office Politics.

Then OP came back, so it's going to shit again.

>>25494139
Yeah, I'm just too lazy to type that out.

>>25494124
this
>>25494112

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I saw stuff about Tau, Eldar and /tg/ thoughtproduct, can anyone provide insight to the validity of this height chart (assuming the female Guardsman in the back is not female, but a pretty man)?

>>25494146
Not really, no. Read the thread and stop making silly generalizations.

>>25494146
>mary sue

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

>>25494160
>those eldar hands
eh, Blue could be a bit smaller. O rather, Cultist could be a bit taller.

>>25494178
What else do you call a Tau that becomes a necron pharoah through the power of friendship in 40k?

>>25494160
Is... is that supposed to be Cultist on the right there?

>>25494198
Yeah, Cultist is a reasonably average-sized human being. All tau are shorter than human average and Blue is Earth Caste, specifically, which are all short and stout.

>>25489926
Faggot needs to give up on their shitty original character do not steel.

>>25494202
she didn't become a phaeron through the power of friendship, dude.

She became one through the power of random dice rolls, suicidal phaeron, plot conveniency and survival.

You better stop posting about something you know little about.

>>25494202
It was more of a tau-like abomination that was generaped into necron-like, tau-like abomination. No worse than a half-eldar if you ask me.

Anyways, back to the fun. Any reason for the Pale Collar Kabal to show up on wherever all of this is going down?

>>25494202
She became Phaeron because a Necron Lord took her corpse and cloned it repeatedly until it was suitably compatible with Necron tech, then sent those clones to die one after another in a survival horror meat grinder until one of them succeeded in assassinating another Necron Lord. Then the first Necron Lord died, too, and Xeno was the only one left.

I know you think it's hip and cool to hate on Xeno because she's like /tg/'s version of MLP but that's really not what the character or Tau Quest is about.

>>25494241
You need to read a 40k book. Trying to fit a Taucron in to canon is like trying to fit Sonic the Hedgehog in to 40k- fucking retarded.

>>25494247
...
They figured out it would be too much fun with all those zany people meeting so they decided to NOFUNALLOWED the shit out of it.

like this
>>25494218

>>25494262
exactly. It's retarded, precisely why it's funny if not taken as seriously as you're taking it.

>>25494218
She did. @LittlestPhaeron isn't written by the person that created Xeno. Neither was Xeno's Adventure or Diary of a Teenage Phaeron.

>>25494256
It is basically /tg/'s version of MLP, replete with cute scarabs and awful fetishes.

I really like the Tau aesthetic, the dakkalists, the creepy orwellian fluff behind them, but I can never talk about Tau without blueberries or this mary sue darkening the thread.

/tg/'s creativity lasts only for one thread per month.

>>25494288
Addendum: >>25479311 might have been, though.

>>25493055
>>25493123
>>25493142
>>25493174

The cruelest part of the Pale Collar structure is that slaves are free to apply to leave at any time, but the requisite forms and paperwork cannot be feasibly completed within a human lifetime.

>>25494298
>mary sue
There's that word again.

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>>25494160
Blue should be a little bit more buff. She spends all day with orks, after all. And maybe make cultist a smidge taller.

>>25494298
I'm sure you can tolerate half a dozen posts about her without blowing it out of proportion so much as to make the whole thread about her.

Also, since when is /tg/ the right place to talk about what you like for extended periods of time?