Just look at those suits and tell me they don't have a sense of humor.

Battle-brothers have been known to put canine excrement in each other's Centurion suits.

They also tip over suits while the pilot has his legs strapped in but has yet to lock his arms and upper body into position.

>>27112541
"Curses, Brother! Aid me out of this infernal contraption!"

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"Hahaha ok, whos the wiseguy who flipped ALL of the Purity Seals upside down?

Brother Johna was it you? I swear on the emperor's throne no more plasma guns for you!"

This is the 40K universe. Everyone is eternally buttmad and jealous over everything.

>>27112510
Like everything in 40k, it depends on the chapter.

But the Dark Angels especially don't. Their head chaplain made an entire company take a year long vow of silence (outside of battle communications) because he heard the company laugh at a joke.

Didn't /tg/ create a chapter of marines who loved to tell corny jokes?

>GREETINGS BROTHER, MAY I INQUIRE AS TO HOW YOU WOULD GO ABOUT KISSING ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE ORDER SORORITAS?
>I DO NOT KNOW BROTHER, HOW WOULD YOU ACCOMPLISH SUCH A DEED
>YOU MUST ONLY DO SO ONCE OR TWICE, BUT NEVER GET INTO THE HABIT
>MY FUSED RIB-CAGE IS ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING, BROTHER

>>27112541

"BROTHER I AM PINNED HERE"

Chaplain

>Brother

I have a confession to make relating to my misconduct

>Then speak it so that it may be heard and corrected

It was I who covertly tripped over one of the Terminator squad this morning for the base amusement as they resemble a tortoise trying to reattain an upright stance

>Half an hour in the pain glove.

Thank you for your leniency

>I will also be joining you as I laughed thunderously at the Terminators expense

>>27112541

>Chapter Master...I have reports again that a few scout marines find it funny to tip over Centurions at night...
>WHAT? I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS, THOSE LITTLE SHITS!

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Five the Emperor!

Because five is greater than four!

>>27112700
"AID ME BROTHER. WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?"

Hey Brother Goren, what did one guardsman say to the other guardsman while they were on leave?

>I don't know, Brother. Enlighten me.

Maybe one day I can join the glorious ranks of the Adeptus Astartes.

>GUFFAW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXwKFsfk0bI

Ho, Brother Anceus. Brother. Brother. Brother Anceus. Brother. Brother.

>Rolls over in his sacred bunk to look at Brother Pellus

...Guardsmen.

BROTHER MAY I INQUIRE YOU WITH AN RIDDLE?

>SPEAK BROTHER

WHY DID A TERRESTRIAL LAND BOUND AVIAN ORGANISM CROSS THE BATTLEFIELD?

>WHY BROTHER?

BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE AT THE EMPEROR'S SIDE

>BROTHER I FIND YOUR PARABLE AMUSING AND HUMOROUS YET INSIGHTFUL

>EMPEROR PROTECTS!

I think Titus made a joke at some point in Space Marine

>>27112692

Took me a second to get it. Bretty gud.

>>27112710

nude make out session in the pain glove!

Brother Higolf, did you hear the one about the constipated Space Wolf?

>I did not, Brother.

Yes Brother, it turns out he needed a golden throne! GUFFAW

>Brother, I am reporting you to the Chapter Master.

BROTHER

>BROTHER

THE HERETIC MARINES OF SLAANESH ARE MOVING TOWARDS OUR POSITION

>I STAND READY TO RESIST THEIR ADVANCES.

WAS THAT A JOKE, MY BROTHER?

>IT WAS INDEED, BROTHER.

I FOUND IT AMUSING.

>AS DID I BROTHER. BUT ENOUGH OF THIS LEVITY, IT IS TIME FOR WAR.

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BROTHER. WHY ARE DREADNOUGHTS SEALED?

>I DO NOT KNOW. EXPLAIN.

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE DYING TO GET IN

Who wants to play Drop Pod!

-One of the newest scout who had never experienced the game shows up

>Whats Drop Pod?

Well new brother, lets pretend my hand is a Drop Pod. When you want me to stop moving my hand, say Brake!

-The Space Marine moves his hand from the leg of the scout up to near the crotch

>Brake! Brake!

DROP PODS DONT HAVE BRAKES!

>>27112925
But they do, though. That's what the retrorockets are.

>>27112925

And that's when the space marine punches the scout super hard in the balls to simulate the drop pod's meteoric descent and earth-shattering landing, right? RIGHT?!

Brother. What did the Space Marine say when he could not find his plasma gun?

>What?

Where is my plasma gun?

>Ha ha. Good one, brother.

>>27112925
Brother! Can you cover my patrol shift?

>Of course Brother, what is the emergency?

I NEED TO DROP POD BEHIND THAT BUSH

>GUFFAW

>>27112988
yea sure!

Unless he was a Dark Angel

>>27112875
Heresy begins with but a thought.

>>27112692
this one went over my head

Dost thou know why the Dark Angels Primarch was late to the confrontation at Holy Terra?

>Do tell, Brother!

Because he was LION AROUND!!

>I believe the chaplain heard you.

Oh Sister's tits. The pain glove for me...

>>27113042
>sisters
>habit

>>27113042
The clothing nuns wear is called a habit.

BROTHER!

>YES?

WHY DID THE SLAANESHI HERETIC CROSS THE BATTLEFIELD?

>PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME BROTHER

BECAUSE THE EMPEROR'S FINEST DEFEATED THEM AND DROVE THEM BACK

>WELL PLAYED BROTHER I SHALL MEDIATE ON THIS.

What do you call a Space Marine that sacrifices himself for some citizens?

A Salamander!

What do you call a Space Marine that sacrifices himself for some technology?

An Iron Hand!

What do you call a Space Marine that sacrifices himself for some relics?

A Blood Raven!

What do you call a Space Marine that sacrifices himself for his God?

A Heretic!

Tell me, brother, why do we not produce combi-weapons for close combat as well?

>Why, initiate, our swords are chained already.

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Brother. Listen to this.

A lowly guardsman is receiving medical attention from one of his fellows.

"You need to stop manipulating your genitalia." says the medic.

"Why?" asks the guardsman.

The medic replies "Because I'm trying to examine you."

>>27112510
Did you play Dawn of War?

Terminators chuckle at the enemy in Dow1. Dow 2 had the cast of marines telling jokes!

Brother, why dont the Sisters of Battle use plasma guns?

I dont know brother, why?

Because they already get hot!

Brother, I have a jest that I heard from one of our chapters tech priests.

>My vox channel is open and receiving, brother

There were two holy techpriests working to revive our most venerated dreadnought. Unfortunately, the reviving was not going well.

>Do tell, brother.

One holy tech priest turns to the other tech priest to say "Master, I am unable to revive this most venerated dreadnought." The tech priest master says to him "Have you tried de activating and re activating him?" The lowly tech priest says to him "No I think he's dead."

>GUFFAW

BROTHER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE INSIDE OF A DREADNOUGHT?

>SADLY BROTHER NEITHER OF US ARE BLESSED TO BE INSIDE OF ONE, WHY?

BECAUSE I HEAR ITS QUITE DREADFUL!

HAIL BROTHER

>HONOURED CHAPLAIN

KNOCK KNOCK

>PRAYTELL, WHO IS BEHIND THE DOOR MY LORD?

OSCA

>OSCA? OSCA WHO?

OSCA SILLY QUESTION LIKE THAT AND YOU WILL BE SEVERELY CENSURED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE

>>27112692
>My genetically enhanced sides have breached the fortress monastery

>>27112731
The attempted green-glow cockpit lighting makes it look like an Ork is piloting it. Red with yellow highlights doesn't help either. Looks like a Bad Moon appropriation.

>>27113148
>>27112906
>>27112809
I could actually see a Spess Marine saying these

>>27112777
>Guardsman
>on leave
>laughingcommissars.jpg
>cryingveteransintrenches.swf

DO NOT WORRY BROTHERS, THIS DEFEAT IS NOT AS TERRIBLE AS THE ONES THE SPACE WOLVES HAVE LOST AGAINST THE ALPHA LEGION

>HOW COULD THE SPACE WOLVES HAVE LOST? THEY ARE A TERRIFYING CHAPTER THAT COULD EASILY FIGHT OFF THE TRAITORS!

BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO OBEY THE ALPHA!

>YOUR CLEVERNESS IN THE USE OF GOTHIC IS STIMULATING TO THE BRAINS BROTHER!

>>27113196
Really? I never heard them tell jokes
Please list them

>>27113386
>bemusedsororitas.png

BROTHER. ATTEND TO ME WITH ALL HASTE

>WHY BROTHER? DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE? SHALL I VOX AN APOTHECARY?

NAY, BROTHER. COME AND LOOK AT THIS HUMOROUS CAPTIONED PICT OF A FELINE ON MY AUSPEX

BROTHER ALTOR, WHY DID THE TRAITOR GUARDSMAN CROSS THE ROAD?

>I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER BASSIANUS, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME.

I WOULD NOT PRESUME TO UNDERSTAND THE THOUGHTS OF A VILE HERETIC, BROTHER.

>AH, INDEED NOT.

>>27112906
>I STAND READY TO RESIST THEIR ADVANCES.

Best one 10/10

>>27113445

Cats are extinct in 40k.

>>27113445
VERILY THESE FELINES FIND THEMSELVES IN THE MOST PECULIAR OF SITUATIONS BROTHER

>INDEED BROTHER, THIS JUXTAPOSITION OF TWO UNLIKE CIRCUMSTANCES BRINGS A SENSE OF MIRTH TO ME

BATTLE BROTHER I WISH TO IMPART ON YOU A JOKE

>PROCEED BROTHER

A SPACE WOLF INFORMED HIS RUNE PRIEST THAT HIS THUNDERWOLF HAD NO NOSE

THE RUNE PRIEST INQUIRED "HOW DOES IT SMELL?"

HORRIBLE

>GUFFAW, I MAY HAVE TO BE INTERRED IN A DREADNOUGHT AFTER THAT ONE BROTHER

>>27113445
BROTHER, I DEMAND YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPREHENDING A PARTICULAR INSTANCE OF MORTAL HUMOR. BRING SERFS SKILLED IN SEMANTIC ANALYSIS.

>VOX IT TO ME BROTHER. I AM SAT IN THE STRATEGIUM AS WE SPEAK

AS YOU WISH; "I CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER?". I UNDERSTAND IT NOT.

>NAY, NEITHER DO I. THE SERFS ARE BAFFLED.

NO MATTER. MY THANKS.

>>27113487
wow thanks. i'll delete my post immediately.

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>>27112906
>I found it amusing

>BROTHER, DURING MY MEDITATION I HAVE ACQUIRED ANOTHER RIVETING JEST!

PLEASE BROTHER, SHARE IT WITH ME.

>HOW DOES THE BLIND SPACE WOLF KNOW HE'S WITH THE RIGHT SQUAD?

THIS SHALL BE A GUILTY PLEASURE TO THE SENSE, HOW BROTHER?

>BY SNIFFING THE HIND QUARTERS OF OTHERS.

I SHALL PRAY TO THE EMPEROR FOR THE STRENGTH TO CONTAIN MY RIBS INSIDE MY ARMOR!

>>27112962
That doesn't mean its going to stop.

>>27112793
>>27112510

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_2nM1GEllg

>>27113672

I was waiting for that....

>>27113632
Bravo sir.

BROTHER, DO YOU WISH TO HEAR AN INTERESTING TALE ABOUT THE ULTRAMARINES?

>WHY OF COURSE!

SO WOULD I!

>>27113607
>Statler and Waldorf locked up in Dreadnaught armor heckling other Marines over vox

My sides

>>27113071
>>27113085
huh, I learned something today.

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>>27113720
>>27113731

HAIL BROTHER! I HAVE A JAPE TO SHARE

>PROCEED

TELL ME, WHO CAN SHAVE 25 TIMES A DAY AND STILL SPORT A BEARD?

>A SPACE WOLF?

NAY BROTHER. A BARBER.

>GUFFAW! VOX THE FLEET. TELL THEM TO INTERCEPT MY FLANKS.

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>>27113607

>>27113803
Wait somebody beat me to the punch??

>YOU KNOW, BROTHER, I REALLY DO THINK THE SALAMANDERS ARE QUITE THE AMIABLE BUNCH
>AYE, BROTHER, THEY CERTAINLY GAVE THOSE XENOS A WARM WELCOME
>MIGHTY CHORTLES

>>27113817
well, that depends. How does your face feel?

I love this thread.

>>27113731
>HEY, BROTHER, I THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT SERGEANT DECIMUS' FIGHTING SKILLS TODAY

WERE THEY ANY GOOD?

>NO.

THEN THEY WEREN'T DIFFERENT.

>VOX-CHORTLES

>>27113817
TRULY, VENERATED BROTHER, THE PERPLEXITY IS WHAT *IS* A WRAITHKNIGHT?
>NAY, BROTHER, THE QUESTION IS WHO WISHES TO KNOW THE ANSWER?
DOHOHOHOHO

>NOBLE BATTLE-BROTHER, DO YOU KNOW WHY OUR GLORIOUS KINSMEN OF THE RAVEN GUARD ARE CONSIDERED THE MOST IMPOLITE OF HOUSE GUESTS?

>I DO NOT, STALWART FRIEND. WHY WOULD ANY THINK THIS SO?

>OF THE RAVEN GUARD, IT IS SAID THAT THEY ALWAYS DROP IN UNANNOUNCED!

>MY MIRTH IS AS MIGHTY AS CALGAR'S FISTS, GOOD BROTHER!

MY BROTHER, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU

>ASK AWAY, MY BROTHER

HOW MANY DROP PODS ARE REQUIRED TO DEPLOY A TACTICAL SQUAD OF ULTRAMARINES

>SUCH A DEPLOYMENT SHOULD REQUIRE NO MORE THAN ONE DROP POD, MY BROTHER

YOU ARE MISTAKEN, BROTHER. ONE IS REQUIRED TO CONVEY THE ULTRAMARINES TO BATTLE, BUT ANOTHER IS NECESSARY TO CARRY THEIR COPY OF THE CODEX ASTARTES, AS GIVEN TO US ALL BY OUR SPIRITUAL LIEGE ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN

>I FIND BOTH TRUTH AND HUMOR IN YOUR OBSERVATION, MY BROTHER, BUT NOW I MUST RELOAD MY STORM BOLTER

>>27113731
LOOKS LIKE CAPTAIN TICHRONIUS SHALL HAVE TO BE INTERRED IN A DREADNAUGHT!

>I CERTAINLY HOPE NAUGHT

DOHOHOHOHOHO

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>>27113959

>>27112700
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNK5-uE5JFg&feature=endscreen

STEADY YOURSELF BROTHA

>BROTHER

YES, BROTHER

>WHAT DO THE SONS OF FERRUS MANUS SAY WHEN THEY REQUIRE AID?

WHAT, BROTHER?

>THEY ASK, "CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND?"

SWEET EMPRAH, MY SIDES APPEAR TO HAVE GONE THE WAY OF PRIMARCHS II AND XI.

>>27112671
It was Asmodai, and he is a turbo cunt even by Dark Angel's standards.

Sammael seems to have a less serious side.

>BROTHER, I HAVE LEARNED OF ANOTHER WISECRACK WITH THE ABILITY TO CRACK POWER ARMOR ITSELF!

I SHALL PREPARE MYSELF WITH THE PROPER LITANIES!

>WHAT DID THE GUARDSMAN SAY TO THE COMMISSAR?

PRAYTELL, BROTHER.

>NOTHING, THE BOLT ROUND PREVENTED ANY FORM OF WORDS TO BE SPOKEN AS IT PENETRATED THE GUARDSMAN'S SKULL AND KILLED HIM INSTANTLY.

BROTHER PLEASE, MY LAUGHTER HAS WOKEN THE DREADNOUGHT!

WAKE UP, YOU FOOL, YOU'VE MISSED THE CHAPTER MASTER'S SPEECH

>WHO'S THE FOOL, BROTHER WALDORF? YOU LISTENED TO IT.

IF I STILL HAD SIDES TO LOSE, THE FORCE AT WHICH THEY LEFT ME WOULD BE SUFFICIENT TO PIERCE A TITAN'S VOID SHIELDS

>>27114146

See, I know intellectually that this is ripped wholesale off the Muppets. Hell, even the exact special.

But I just don't fucking care. Statler and Waldorf Marines are just gold.

>>27114138
>I HAVE AWOKEN. YOUR GUFFAWS ONLY SERVE TO REMIND ME OF THE COLD CERAMITE WALLS THAT SURROUND MY PITIFUL REMAINS AND MY TORMENTED MIND

FELLOW DARK ANGEL, HARK UNTO ME, SO THAT I MAY TELL YOU OF MORE WHIMSIES.

>THIS IS A DANGEROUS PATH, BATTLE-BROTHER! BUT YOUR JUDGEMENT IS AS STEEL; SURE AND SHARP AS THE PRIMARCH'S.

WHAT DID THE VILE TRAITOR SAY TO THE INTERROGATOR-CHAPLAIN?

>HOWEVER WOULD I KNOW THE THOUGHTS OF A BETRAYER, LOYAL COMRADE?

"I HAVE FALLEN AND I CANNOT GET UP!"

>MY LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT THE ROAR OF THE DEATHWATCH'S ASSAULT CANNONS! NOW LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN LEST ASMODAI HEAR OF IT.

>Let me regale you my Brother, of the time a heretic, a xenos, and a Guardsman, righteous lover of our glorious Emperor, went down a slide.

Please do, Brother Graius!

>The first to attempt was the heretic, and upon sliding down he yelled 'HERESYYYYYYY', and upon reaching the bottom, he fell into a puddle of THE BLOOD OF HIS PEERS, WITH WHOM HE SOON JOINED.

>The second to traverse down the- are you alright Brother? Do you require a minute?

Kmmf- I sh-shall regain my composure -hrnk - in but a moment Brother Graius, please -kknk- continue your tale.

>Very well. So then the Xenos filth then takes to the slide, and upon the downward slope, he yells 'ALIIIEEENNNN', and upon reaching the bottom- check thyself Brother- upon reaching it, he lands in a puddle of FILTH, FOR THAT IS ALL XENOS ARE AND HE IS PURGED IN FLAME ACCORDINGLY

>The third-

NO BROTHER, CEASE! SUCH MERRIMENT MY FUSED RIBS CANNOT CONTAIN!!

>But continue I shall, Brother! For the third to go down the slide-

NO, I CANNOT LISTEN!! I FUEL SLAANESH WITH EVERY WORD YOU SPEAK!!

>-the THIRD is the Guardsman, and upon going down, he yells 'I WISH I WERE A SPACE MARIIIIINNNEEEE'

NO! NO! HE COULD NOT!!

>He could and did, Brother!! And upon- snrk- u-upon reaching the bottom, he- knnk- YOU ARE MAKING ME PREMATURELY LOSE COMPOSURE, BROTHER ANTEUS!

I CANNOT HELP IT BROTHER, THE LEVITY HAS STRIKEN ME WITH THE FORCE OF A BATTLE BARGE

>BL-HAHA-AST YOU! So- so...h-he lands, and he lands-

OH SPIRITUAL LIEGE, SAVE ME!!

>In a puddle...OF NOTHING, FOR HE CAN NEVER BE A GLORIOUS ANGEL OF DEATH LIKE WE!!

EXTERMINATUS!! EXTERMINATUS ON MY LOCATION, BEFORE I TEAR OPEN A WARP RIFT THROUGH MIRTH ALONE!!

>BROTHER, WHY DO YOU SEEM SO CALM FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A NEW BLACK CRUSADE?

BECAUSE, BROTHER, DIDN'T YOU HEAR? ABADDON THE DESPOILER IS QUITE 'ARMLESS.

>MY SIDES. IF THERE ISN'T YET A CHAOS GOD OF LAUGHTER, I MAY SPAWN ONE INADVERTENTLY

>>27114189

Seriously, humour would be the only damn thing a Dreadnought could enjoy.

>BROTHER, HAVE YOU HEARD THE TALE OF THE BLOOD ANGELS DETACHMENT WHO ATTACKED A GROUP OF SORITAS

WHY NO BROTHER I HAVE NOT.

>IT WAS THE END OF THE MONTH AND THE SONS OF SANGUINUS HAD THE "RED THIRST"

BROTHER IT APPEARS MY SIDES HAVE JOINED OUR BATTLE CRUISER IN ORBIT

>>27112510
Space Wolves do.

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>>27114138

>Have the /k/ humor thread and this thread open
>Thanks to your posts I almost forgot which board I'm on

Dammit, /k/im!

>Brother Cassius, I ask you - what do you call a Space Wolf with a drinking problem?

I don't know Brother Octavian. What DO you call a Space Wolf with a drinking problem?

>You call him a Space Wolf, brother Cassius.

IMMENSE LEVITY

>BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE FARMER WITH DISOBEDIENT EQUINES?

NO, BROTHER, I DID NOT.

>IT IS SAID THAT HE SUFFERED THROUGH A HORSE HERESY.

MY SIDES HAVE LEFT ME AT A VELOCITY SO LETHAL THAT ONE COULD CONSIDER ME A CENTURION

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>>27114235
Cheap period jokes: funny for the last 40,000 years, funny for the next 40,000 years.

>>27114205
Asmodai is angry because the Dark Angels are actually great party throwers, they just never invite him.

>Twisting the meanings of words to confuse and surprise
Sounds like Tzeentch to me. Jokes are heresy.

BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE DEFENESTRATED DARK ANGEL?

>NO, I DID NOT BROTHER. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

HE WAS HUNTED DOWN AND KILLED FOR BEING ONE OF THE FALLEN.

>GOODNESS, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY SHALL HAVE TO HUNT ME AS WELL, FOR I MYSELF HAVE FALLEN UPON THE MONASTERY TILE IN THROES OF LAUGHTER

>BROTHER! I HAVE TAKEN UP A HOBBY!

A HOBBY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY FELLOW DEVASTATOR BROTHER?

>I HAVE RECENTLY REALIZED I FIND ENJOYMENT IN THE ACT OF PHOTOGRAPHY

HOW DID YOU LEARN SUCH A THING BROTHER?

>AFTER USING MY LASCANNON FOR SO LONG, I FOUND I ENJOY TELLING THE HERETICS TO "WAIT FOR THE FLASH!"

I AM FILLED WITH SUCH GREAT HUMORS THAT I REQUIRE AN APOTHECARY TO AID ME

>>27114259

i dobt get it.

BROTHER, I MUST CONFESS, I AM MOVED BY THE PLIGHT OF THESE XENOS.

>SPEAK NOT, BROTHER, SURELY YOU CANNOT MEAN YOU SYMPATHISE WITH THESE WRETCHED ENEMIES OF THE EMPEROR?

NAY BROTHER, I AM REFERRING TO THE QUARTER INCH BACKWARDS I WAS MOVED BY RECOIL WHEN WE SLAUGHTERED THEM IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME.

>YOU HAVE SUBVERTED MY EXPECTATIONS OF YOUR MEANING IN A MOST HUMOROUS MANNER.

>>27114300
BROTHER

>YES BROTHER

DO YOU KNOW WHY THERE ARE NOT FEMALE ORK FILTH?

>ALAS, I DO NOT KNOW, BROTHER. WHY ARE THERE NO FEMALE ORK FILTH?

BECAUSE IF THERE WAS FEMALE ORK FILTH, THEY WOULD GO ON A WAAAGH ONCE EVERY MONTH

>OH EMPEROR PROTECT MY SIDES FROM THIS ALMOST HERETICAL AMOUNT OF MIRTH

>>27114394
The joke is that every Space Wolf is a drunk.

>>27114376

best joke in this thread, HERESY/10 would purge a second time

>>27114189

>GREETINGS DREADNOUGHT!

WHAT DO YOU WISH OF THE TORTURED DEAD?

>A STRANGE MAN WALKED INTO THE BAR AND THE BARTENDER SAID "YOU KNOW WE HAVE A DRINK NAMED AFTER YOU!"

EMPEROR PLEASE, END MY CURSE!

>THE STRANGE MAN REPLIED WITH "YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED GENESTEALER?" THE PLANET WAS VOID OF LIFE WITHIN THE WEEK!

IF I HAD ARMED I'D STRANGLE YOU!

>>27114393
MY CHOLER HAS LOWERED IMMENSELY BROTHER

Venerable Bjorn!

> YES BROTHER STROMUS

Have you heard the latest news about Abbadon?

> NO

His hands... fell.

> ...

(The geneseed of Brother Stromus was later recovered as Brother Stromus died of his injuries caused by a accidental malfunction of the venerable dreadnaughts power claw)

>>27114394
THE SPACE WOLVES ARE KNOWN TO PARTAKE IN LESS THAN AMICABLE ACTIVITIES, BROTHER. HE WAS SUGGESTING THAT ALL SPACE WOLVES IMBIBE SOPORIFIC TOXINS.

I HEARD AN AMUSING JOKE, THE OTHER DAY, BATTLE BROTHER. WHAT DID THE ALPHA LEGIONARY SAY TO HIS SECRET SLEEPER AGENT CONTACT?

>I DON'T KNOW, BROTHER SIGIL. WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID, YOUR MISSION IS TO ALTER THE NAVIGATIONAL BEACON FREQUENCY TO 226.53 AND ENSURE THE DISTRESS SIGNAL GOES THROUGH WITH A DELAY OF 28 MINUTES.

>HA, HA, THAT IS A MOST AMUSING JOKE, BROTHER. I MUST NOW DEPART TO THE COMMUNICATIONS ARRAY. *WINK*.

DID YOU JUST SAY "WINK", BROTHER?

>NOT AT ALL. YOU MUST BE IMAGINING THINGS. HA, HA, HA.

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>>27114394
Space wolves are drunken barbarians in space. They all have a drinking problem.
Therefore, there is no difference between a Space Wolf with a drinking problem and a Space Wolf.

BROTHER-APOTHECARY, WHY DID THESE HERETICAL SONS OF PERTURABO DIE SO SUDDENLY?

>WELL, YOUNG INITIATE, IT SEEMS THAT THEY SUFFERED FROM TERMINAL ANEMIA. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, BROTHER...*darkens photovisor* "IRON WITHOUT".

>>27114423
>>YOU HAVE SUBVERTED MY EXPECTATIONS OF YOUR MEANING IN A MOST HUMOROUS MANNER.
That reminds me of those intentionally verbose badly drawn trollface image macros.

>>27114451
*spends the next 100 year slumber helplessly dreaming of that exchange over and over again*

>>27114259
PARDON, BROTHER, BUT IF I MAY ASK, HOW DOES HE HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM? HE CERTAINLY HAS NO TROUBLE WHEN HE WOLFS DOWN OUR ALE SUPPLY.

BROTHER, WHAT SORT OF XENOS ATTACK WAS THAT?

>IT'S CALLED THE MEDIUM CHARGE

WHY IS IT NAMED THAT?

>BECAUSE IT WASN'T RARE, AND IT CERTAINLY WASN'T WELL DONE

DOHOHOHOHOHO

>>27114460


lol'd

This thread makes me want to play 40k.

>>27114515

>The Tech Priest return to the Chapter Fortress
>The examine the Dreadnought's sarcophagus
>They revive the Dreadnought
>First thing everyone hears:
>I SWEAR TO THE EMPEROR YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES MAKE ONE MORE AWFUL JOKE FOR ME TO SUFFER FOR 100 YEARS I WILL TEAR YOUR ASSHOLES OUT THROUGH YOUR LYMAN'S EAR YOU FUCKS!

>>27114599
Don't. Just fuck around and read the lore online. Trust me, you'll enjoy it more this way.

I MUST CONFESS BROTHER, I HAVE DIFFICULTY PRONOUNCING THE NAME OF OUR FORMER CHAPLAIN.

WORRY NOT, BROTHER, AFTER HIS RETREAT AT THE BATTLE OF TERON PRIME I SUSPECT HE SHALL BE CHANGING IT.

DOHOHOHOHO

>>27113803
BATTLE BROTHER, I MUST SAY THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD BATTLE. DO YOU NOT AGREE?

>WHY YES, BUT THERE IS A MINOR DETAIL!

WHAT IS THAT MY BATTLE BROTHER?

>THAT WAS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD BATTLE!

>>27114478

4tech5me

but it reminds me of Assholtep -wink-

BROTHER, IN WHAT FASHION DID THE SPACE WOLF GREET THE NATIVE AQUATIC FAUNA OF HIS HOME PLANET?

>HOW, BROTHER?

HE SAID, "WHAT'S KRAKEN?"

>I HATE YOU SO MUCH, JULIUS.

We need to make a chapter.

Name: Side Vanquishers
Specialty: Corny Jokes
Battle Cry: Numerous awful jokes mean to rend the sides of the Emperor's enemies.
Sacred Relics: A pair of over-sized power armor greaves, purely for comical effect.

>>27114520
Dohohoho!

>>27114500
EVEN THE EMPEROR CANNOT PROTECT ME FROM THE FORCE OF MY AMUSEMENT UPON HEARING THIS MOST OUTRAGEOUS JAPE!

>>27112510
sadsosadmarinesnovel.jpeg

>>27114690
How about the symbol is a rubber chicken in power armor? I think that's suitably absurd.

>>27114648
AND SO I IMPARTED TO THE GUARDSMAN "INQUISITOR? I HAVE SCARCELY MADE HER ACQUAINTANCE"

>TRULY BROTHER, YOU ARE A MASTER OF WHIMSICAL PARABLES.

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>>27114690
We already do. Where do you think half these jokes came from?
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Comedy_Marines

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>>27114500
>mfw

>>27114480
BROTHER, WHAT IS A SPACE WOLF WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM CALLED?

> I HAVE HEARD THIS ALREADY, HE IS A SPACE WOLF

NO, SOBER!

BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BULIMIC SISTER OF BATTLE?

>NO, BROTHER. HOW IS SHE DOING?

SHE IS DOING FINE, BROTHER. SHE SPENDS ALL OF HER TIME PURGING.

>YOU THERE, INITIATE. YES, YOU, WITH THE BOLTER. I NEED YOU TO SHOOT MY FRIEND HERE.

>>27114727
Or just a whoopee cushion.

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>>27114747
>Homeworld: Montus Pythonus

>>27114500

afterwards does Doomrider explode out of the Warp and screech across the sky screaming " YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

>>27114747
Thank you, based 1d4chan.

Someone make sure to add all the new jokes in here to the page.

Meanwhile, in the Eye of Terror...

>HEY, AXIMAND, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BERZERKER WHO WAS KILLED FOR CRACKING JOKES?

>WHY WAS HE KILLED FOR SUCH AN OFFENSE, EZEKYLE?

>HIS JOKES WERE TOO KHORNEY.

>IF I STILL HAD A FACE, IT WOULD BE STRETCHED INTO A MIRTHFUL GRIN RIGHT NOW.

BROTHER, WHY DID THE SORORITAS DREADNOUGHT HAVE POOR PILOTING SKILLS

>BECAUSE SHE HAS NO EYES OR ARMS, BROTHER?

NO, BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN

>>27114807
When does he not?

>>27112510
theres a space wolf special character who has been stuck in the recruit pool forever because he keeps pranking his senior officers. the only reason he hasn't been executed yet is because he also pranks his enemies with deadly results.

the one time he was beaten was by a Dark Eldar who cut out his heart. he thought that was hillarious and replaced his second heart with a time bomb so the next person who tries to cut out his heart will get frozen in time.

>>27114747
>Eversor Assassin-style unit called Danus Cookus, trained to be an extremely terrible comedian, is able to use this training to bring great emotional distress to his chosen target. Breaks down all defenses and will of even the toughest opponents. One powerful Danus Cookus is said to be so unfunny that even mighty greater daemons break down and cry in his presence.

BROTHER, SOMEONE HAS DEFECATED IN OR AROUND THE POWER ARMOR STORAGE AREA

>>27114747

> BROTHER CAPTAIN, WHAT DID THE TYRANID FILTH SAY TO HIS PUTRID ASSOSIATES AFTER EATING OUR BATTLE BROTHER?

I DO NOT THINK OF SUCH THINGS, THAT WOULD BE HERETI-

> THIS ASTARTES TASTES FUNNY

THE INQUISITION SHALL HEAR OF THIS.

>>27112671
Now that's what I call 'no fun allowed'

>>27114848
>BROTHER, WHEN DID WE START LETTING WOMEN INTO THIS WARBAND?

YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW, KHARN. KHORNE CARES NOT FROM WHENCE THE BLOOD FLOWS.

>TYPHUS, IF I COULD FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN RABID ANGER, IT WOULD BE IMMENSE LEVITY.

>>27114880
Yeah, he is quite the dick

>>27114480
It's actually mentioned in the SW novels that there once was a SW that due to a rash bet swore off drinking and ended up going mad and killing himself.

They literally in canon die if they can't get drunk.

ESTEEMED RUNCIUS, I HAVE HEARD A MOST FANTASTIC JAPE THIS DAY. LET ME REGALE YOU.

>GLADLY, BROTHER.

A FOUL XENO SOUGHT TO FLEE THE EMPEROR'S WRATH, YET COULD NOT. WHY?

>THE FURY OF THE ANGELS OF DEATH IS ABSOLUTE!

YES, RUNCIUS, BUT LISTEN CLOSELY: THE XENOS BOLTED, BUT COULD NOT OUT-BOLT THE BOLTS OF MY HOLY BOLTGUN.

>TRULY SAID! LET NONE DOUBT THAT HIS WRATH IS INEXORABLE.

>>27114868

since 4th edition

BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE INQUISITOR WHO WAS EATEN BY TYRANIDS DURING HIS DAILY EXERCISES?

>NO, BROTHER. WHAT OF HIM?

WELL, THEY SAY THAT RIGHT BEFORE HE WAS EATEN, HE WAS DOING...SQUATS.

>HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I HATE YOU, BROTHER CARLOS?

>>27114959

>THE INQUISITOR SHALL HERE OF THIS

lol'd

>MY LORD! THE LOYALIST HAVE CAPTURED ONE OF OUR DREADNOUGHTS!

>There lays a dreadnought, chained down to the ground with numerous marines surrounding it, the machine twists and squirms

>WHAT DID THE TECH PRIEST SAY TO THE STC?

UNCHAIN ME! END MY SUFFERING!

>NOTHING, HE JUST MADE THE DIAL UP MODEM NOISE

AAAAAAURRRRRRRGH! CHAOS GODS! WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME!

>WHAT DID THE EMPEROR-CLASS BATTLESHIP SAY TO THE PLANET?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! WHY IS MY TORMENT AN AMUSEMENT TO YOU, DARK GODS?!

>NOTHING...EXCEPT FOR THE CYCLONIC TORPEDOES WHICH EXTERMINATED ALL LIFE ON IT!

>Report say the Dreadnought killed himself by screaming to death.

>>27114868
The great thing about WH40k is that was a serious question.

YOU KNOW, GABRIEL, THAT FIGHT AGAINST THE MALEDICTUM DAEMON WASN'T SO DIFFICULT.

>INDEED, DIOMEDES.

IN FACT, IT SEEMED LIKE THAT FARSEER ON TARTARUS WAS OVERESTIMATING THE THREAT.

>AYE. I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY THAT IT WAS MACHA DO ABOUT NOTHING.

> BROTHER, WHY DID THE BLOOD ANGEL SUCCUMB TO THE BLACK RAGE?

I DON'T KNOW BROTHER, ENLIGHTEN ME.

> THE XENOS FILTH DIRTIED HIS POWER ARMOUR

BWAHA THAT IS TRULY WHIMSICAL BROTHER

>>27115181
MY BATTLE-BROTHER OF THE SALAMANDERS CHAPTER.

God damnit /tg/ im supposed to be painting my Necrons right now!

>>27112692
surely this is heresy
such a chapter is doomed to fall to the corruption of chaos if not properly restrained!

>>27115381
It's too bad they're not Eldar.
Then you could paint 'em like Harlequins.

> DANTE, WHY DID THE ULTRAMARINE CROSS THE ROAD?

I DO NOT KNOW ASTORATH, WHY?

> BECAUSE THE CODEX ASTARTES TOLD HIM TO.

HOHOHOHO

Meanwhile, on a certain Craftworld,

>Honored Farseer, I am so, so sorry! I had not intended to spill your custard dessert on Exarch Ilyriel!

Oh, do calm down, Luthandriel. It was...just as flanned.

>>27115414
In every generation, some men will have the twisted minds prone to Chaos and Humor. It's better to bend their energies to the service of the Emperor than condemn them to Chaos.

>>27115435
Holy sanguinius my sides, where's brother corbolo when you need him?

Meanwhile, in the Sabbat Worlds Crusade,

>Oi, Tanith, you know what Cuu did after he stabbed your old heavy weapons guy?

No, what did he do?

>He Bragged about it, sure as sure.

OH YOU MOTHERFETHI--

>Whoa now, Tanith, Colm down.

Two hours later, Commissars on troop ship 771-A were called to deck five to investigate the cause of a sudden but very rapid series of weapons discharges.

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>>27115576
I don't get it.

>>27115620
Read Gaunt's Ghosts, Anon.

I JUST NOTICED THAT THE SCOUT SERGEANT CALLS HEADS LOVE

>WHY IS THAT BROTHER?

BECAUSE THEN LOVE CAN BOOM!

>I DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF SUCH A PHRASE, BUT I WILL GLADLY JOIN YOU IN THE AUDIBLE ENJOYMENT OF IT!

>>27115620
Gaunt's Ghosts novels, 40k. It's name puns.

Brother! The witch is upon the ridge! The enemy artillery is advancing to "What" Hill, and their left flank is feeling to "Where" cavern, We must advance!

>Which ridge?

That is correct brother!

>What is correct?

No Brother, the ridge!

>I understand, which ridge?

Yes! We must advance!

>Where do we advance?

No brother, we must advance to the ridge!

>I'm asking you Brother, to which ridge must we advance?

You would be correct brother!

>TALOS

YES, BROTHER

>DO YOU THINK OUR PRIMARCH IS LOSING HIS GRIP ON REALITY?

I DARESAY HE'S GOING POSITIVELY BATTY.

>GUFFAW

>>27112920
>go to get more veer
>come vack
>laugh my ass off

>>27115576
I hate you. Now I've got to go reread those.

please someone save all the new jokes in 1d4, on my phone so I can't

BROTHER, DID YOU SEE THE NEW DREADNOUGHT?

>NO, BROTHER. FOR WHAT REASON IS THIS HONORED ANCIENT INTERRED? DID HE SLAY A CHAOS CHAMPION? LEAD THE CONQUEST OF A WORLD?

NO, BROTHER, I HEAR THAT HE OWED THE TECHMARINE A CONSIDERABLE SUM OF THRONES.

>SO EVEN IN DEBT, HE STILL SERVES.

MANFUL CHUCKLES

>>27115840
>CHORTLES

>>27115936
That one's already on 1d4chan.

BROTHER, I MUST ASK. WHY DO THE SPACE WOLVES CONSUME SO MUCH ALCOHOL?

>I AM UNSURE, BUT I HAVE HEARD THAT IT WAS DUE TO A MISCOMMUNICATION DURING RUSS' FIRST TALKS WITH OUR GLORIOUS GRANDFATHER, THE EMPEROR.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BROTHER?

>WELL, WHEN THE EMPEROR TOLD THE PRIMARCHS THAT THE SPACE MARINES SHALL BE FEAR INCARNATE, RUSS APPARENTLY MISHEARD HIS FATHER.

HOW SO?

>HE THOUGHT THAT THE EMPEROR SAID "BEER INCARNATE".

>>27115981
I can actually see this one being canon.

>>27115961
So is this one:

BROTHER

>WHY DO YOU ADDRESS ME SO, LOWLY GUARDSMAN

I, TOO, USED TO BELONG TO THE RANKS OF SPACE MARINES

> TRULY? HOW DIDST THOU FALL SO LOW AS TO BECOME A GUARDSMEN?

I TOOK A LASBLAST TO MINE KNEE!

> I QUAKE WITH MIRTH BUT ALSO FEEL PITY FOR YOUR FALL FROM GREATNESS

>>27116038
god damn it

>GREAT EMPRAH, BROTHER, THIS INCLEMENT WEATHER STOPPED UNNATURALLY QUICKLY

WELL, BROTHER, WE DO HAVE BLOOD RAVENS ON THE FIELD.

>WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THE BLOOD RAVENS' FAVORITE TACTIC IS?

>NO, BROTHER. ENLIGHTEN ME.

WELL, THE CODEX ASTARTES NAMES THE MANEUVER, "STEAL RAIN".

>I GUESS YOU HAVE A...GIFT...FOR WORDPLAY, BROTHER.

MIGHTY CHORTLES

BROTHER. HAVE YOU HEARD THAT THE IRON HANDS HAVE THE MOST BITING WIT OF ALL THE ASTARTES?

>I HAVE NOT. THIS SURPRISES ME. WHY IS THIS SO, APOTHECARY?

IT IS AMONGST THEIR HOLIEST OF TENETS TO PUN-ISH THE FLESH.

>BROTHER-CAPTAIN, I REQUEST THAT YOU DEPLOY THE FLANKS OF MY TERMINATOR ARMOUR WITH THE NEXT DEEP STRIKE, FOR THEY ARE SURELY ON THE BATTLE-BARGE!

BROTHER XANTOS, DID YOU HEAR OF THE CONDEMNED GUARDSMAN'S LAST REQUEST?

>NO BROTHER, WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY WANT OTHER THAN TO DIE IN SERVICE OF THE EMPEROR?

HE REQUESTED A LAST MEAL CONSISTING OF DELICACIES AND FINE AMASEC FROM HIS HOMEWORLD, WHICH WAS MORE THAN THREE SECTORS AWAY!

>THAT COULD TAKE YEARS! WHAT DID THE COMMISSAR SAY TO THAT?

HE SHOT HIM!

>BROTHER, THAT IS SURELY A HUMOROUS JEST I WILL HAVE TO REMEMBER!

>>27114096
I like to imagine that Sapphon got the Head Chaplain job solely because he has charisma and Asmodai is a humorless dick. They regularly butt heads in the Reclusium. Or at least Asmodai thinks they do, failing to realize that Sapphon is actually laughing for him and at him.

BROTHER ASMODAI DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE LATEST OF OUR TRAITOROUS BRETHREN DECLARED WHEN MASTER BELIAL SMOTE HIM TO THE GROUND?

>NAY LORD SAPPHON, WHAT VILE HERESIES PASSED THROUGH HIS CURSED LIPS?

I AM FALLEN, AND I CANNOT GET UP.

>...

>BROTHER, DID YOU KNOW THAT A MOST HONORED CANONESS OF THE ADEPTA SORORITAS IS HERE ON LEAVE?

WHAT FOR, BROTHER?

>THEY WISH HER TO ATTEND A CEREMONY HONORING THE INCINERATION UNIT SHE USED TO PURGE THIS PLANET OF ORKS TWO YEARS AGO.

SO SHE'S VISITING AN OLD FLAME?

>BROTHER THEODOSIUS TO FLEET, PLEASE NOTE THE TWO HIGH-VELOCITY UNKNOWNS ON YOUR RADAR. THOSE WOULD BE MY SIDES. PLEASE HAVE THEM RETURNED TO ME POST-HASTE.

BROTHER, WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS FLOATING IN THE VOID OF SPACE?

>I WOULD VENTURE A GUESS THAT HE WOULD GO BY THE NAME OF 'BOB', BATTLE-BROTHER

IN THAT YOU WOULD BE INCORRECT, FOR HE WOULD ACTUALLY BE KNOWN AS 'ABADDON THE DESPOILER'!

>WHILST ABADDON MAY INDEED LACK ARMS, HE INDEED DOES HAS LEGS AS FAR AS OUR INTEL IS CONCERNED, BROTHER

YOU NEVER DID HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, BROTHER CASSIUS.

BROTHER LUVITAN

>WHAT IS IT, BROTHER TORIEN?

WHAT IS THE WORST NIGHTMARE OF ONE WHO AIMS TO JOIN THEMSELVES TO THE TAINT OF SLAANESH?

>THE ROAR OF DROP PODS SIGNALLING THEIR DOOM?

NAY! FALLING, AND NIT BEING ABLE TO GET IT UP!

>>27116430
BROTHER, I SUPPOSE THE TAINT OF SLAANESH WOULD BE A VERY HIGH TRAFFIC AREA

>HERESY!

IT IS LOCATED BETWEEN THE VARIOUS ORIFICES AND GENITALS AFTER ALL

>...

Is somebody capping all of this?
"Space Marine Humor" deserves it''s own 1d4chan page.

I don't know how to make one, so somebody else will have to.

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> itt Shitposting samefags: the thread

>>27116458

We have a page for the Comedy Marines.

>Gabriel, what in Isha's name are you doing?

AH, HELLO, MACHA. WHY, I AM PREPARING AN EDIBLE DISH, AS A HOST SHOULD WHEN EXPECTING GUESTS.

>Oh my. Well, what have you prepared?

A SALAD--

>Well, that sounds nice--

--WITH EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.

Five minutes later, Captain Angelos reported to the Apothecarion with a broken jaw.

>>27116500
Take a big bite out of that penis, butthurt, and jelly sandwich.

BROTHER! DID YOU KNOW POWER ARMOR CONDUCTS ELECTRICITY?

>I DID NOT, MY BROTHER.

IT DOES INDEED. IN FACT, I WAS SHOCKED WHEN I FIRST LEARNED OF IT.

>>27116534
Not even a Titan has enough square footage of face and palm for that one.

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>>27116513
hilarious

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>>27116500

>>27116580
He couldn't resist.

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>>27116500
Oh Throne, it's the Chaplain again! Quick, Brothers, to the righteous silence of arms!

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>>27116500
Chaplain Asmodai, have mercy!

>>27116634
He has a very low capacity for tact.

BROTHER, IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THIS TASK FORCE SEEM EXCESSIVELY LARGE FOR THE RECONQUEST OF A PLANET KNOWN SOLELY FOR ITS VINEYARDS?

>IT DOES STRIKE ME AS ODD, YES. WHY, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THERE HAS BEEN MORE THAN ONE OTHER EVENT IN IMPERIAL HISTORY TO BRING TOGETHER SUCH A SIZABLE FLEET.

AND WHAT EVENT WOULD THAT BE, BROTHER?

>THE GRAPE CRUSADE.

GREAT EMPRAH, IT SEEMS THAT MY SIDES HAVE ALREADY LAUNCHED THE INVASION AHEAD OF US!

BROTHER! DID YOU KNOW THAT ORK WE JUST KILLED CAME FROM SPORES IN THE GROUND?

>I DID INDEED, IT WAS PART OF MY TRAINING TO KNOW XENOS LORE.

IT IS TOO BAD WE KILLED HIM, HE WAS PROBABLY A FUNGI.

>IF HE WAS, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JOIN HIM IN REVELRY INSIDE HIS KILLA KAN?

I WOULD HAVE, BUT THERE WASN'T MUSHROOM.

>FROM HERE ON OUT, VOX SILENCE MY BROTHER.

AGREED.

BE WARY, BROTHER. THERE ARE SPIES ABOUT!

>SPIES? HOW DID YOU COME BY THIS INFORMATION?

I SLEW ONE MYSELF. HE WAS A TRAITOR MARINE CUNNINGLY HIDDEN IN THE PRODUCE CRATES DOWN IN THE CARGO BAY.

>A TRAITOR MARINE CONCEALED BENEATH OUR EDIBLE PLANT MATTER? I KNOW OF ONLY ONE LEGION CAPABLE OF SUCH TRICKERY!

INDEED. ALERT THE CHAPTER. WE FACE THE ALFALFA LEGION.

>>27116395
>PLEASE HAVE THEM RETURNED TO ME POST-HASTE.
Normally I hate "MY SIDES" jokes but this bit caught me off guard and I chortl'd

>>27116671
Mecry is for the Weak.

>>27113672

I'm dying here. This is the end my ribs oh gods no.

>rupturing flanks; penetrating reinforced ribcages

This kills the Legion of the Damned. Are you happy, guys? The Warp and a thousand years of vengeance could not do it, but your puns have finally ended those vengeful ghosts of the Emperor's fury.

>>27112671
Namaan and some Ravenwing bikers told jokes sometimes.

>>27117359
So if we can use humor to kill all marines except Slaaneshi Chaos ones, what do we kill them with?

>Space Marine jokes
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka6tvlewO3c

>>27117488
Everybody who goes around wearing ribcage motifs on their armour is fucked. That probably puts some of the Death Company in a bad position.

>>27116300
and I lost it.

>>27116300

That's pretty good.

Now if you excuse me, I must go recover my sides.

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>>27117527
>Space Marine 2
>Titus joins the Deathwatch
>there's a Salamander voiced by Christopher Judge in the squad

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>>27112906

Genuinely laughed.

> ENOUGH OF THIS LEVITY, IT IS TIME FOR WAR.

top lel

BATTLE-BROTHER, DID YOU HEAR TALE OF HOW A TASK FORCE OF LAMENTERS WERE OVERRUN BY A GROUPING OF THE PERFIDIOUS XENOS KNOWN AS ELDAR "HARLEQUINS?"

>I HAVE NOT. TRULY, THIS IS GRIM NEWS.

INDEED, BROTHER. IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE HARLEQUINS PROCEEDED TO PERFORM ONE OF THEIR WHIMSIES, AND IN THE PROCESS OUTFLANKED THE LAMENTERS.

>A DANGER TO US ALL. LET NONE SLACKEN THEIR OBSERVANCES FOR A MOMENT.

>>27112795
win

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>>27116143
>"STEAL RAIN"

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EY GIT

>WOT

WHAT DID THA SPACE MARINE SAY TO THA WARBOSS?

>STOP MUCKIN ABOUT AN TELL ME ALREADY

DIS CHOPPA AINT UP TA REGULAAAAAAAH MY HUMIE POWER ARMOR DIDN'T SAVE ME FROM THE HUGE CHOPPA, OH NO EMPRAH SAVE ME *gurgle*

>HA HA HA HA HA HA... HA... WA... WA... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do Necrons make jokes?

>>27118025
>Do Necrons make jokes?

If any of them could, It'd be Trazyn.

>>27118025

They're probably incredibly long-winded and made almost exclusively at someone's expense.

>>27118045
Also Imotekh.

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>>27117948

EY

>WOT

NOCK NOCK

>WHOS DEYR?

A SQUIG MUKKIN ABOUT WIT YOR SHOOTA

>A SQUIG MUKKING ABOUT WIT ME SHOOTA WHO?

WOT?

>WHOS DEYR?? WHERS DA SQUIG??

WOT SQUIG

>WOT?

WOT?

BROTHER, I WAS RECENTLY PATROLLING THE BATTLEFIELD IN A RHINO WHEN I ENCOUNTERED A GUARDSMAN WHOSE INJURIES HAD LEFT HIM WITH NO ARMS OR LEGS.

>DID YOU USE YOUR VOXCASTER TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM, BATTLE BROTHER?

INDEED I DID. I ASKED HIM HOW HE WAS GETTING ON.

>I FIND YOUR PLAY ON WORDS AMUSING, AND THE GUARD'S SACRIFICE TO THE EMPEROR WAS FITTING.

MAGOS, I HAVE A QUESTION

>SPEAK, BROTHER

HOW MANY ULTRAMARINES ARE REQUIRED TO REPLACE A FAULTY LUMINATOR UNIT?

>I AM UNAWARE OF THE CURRENT BATTLE DEPLOYMENT OF OUR ESTEEMED BROTHERS.

I AM NOT, MAGOS. IT REQUIRES THREE ULTRAMARINES: ONE TO HOLD THE LUMINATOR UNIT AND ANOTHER TWO TO MANIPULATE THE WARP IN SUCH A MANNER THAT THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND THEM

>THAT IS AN AMUSING OBSERVATION REGARDING THE SELF-ABSORBTION OF THIS CHAPTER. I WILL ADD IT TO THE COGITATUM.

>>27118251
You forgot he one to check the codex astartes on how to do it, one to hold the codex astartes while the first marine reads it, the scribe to record the deed in the ultramarines annuals and the marine praising his spiritual liege for the glory in watching a luminator unit be changed.

>>27118251
WARP MANIPULATION? DIRE HERESY!

WHAT DO WE CALL A THOUSAND DEAD XENOS, BROTHER?

>I AM UNSURE, CAPTAIN, WHAT DO WE CALL ONE THOUSAND DEAD XENOS

A GOOD START

>I AM AMUSED, BROTHER, BUT THAT WILL NOT STAY ME FROM MY TASK. NOW RELOAD,

>>27118025
Since Newcrons are like Tomb Kings but as 16th French noblemen instead of Egyptian kings, I'd say yes.
Very much so.

But like >>27118078 said.

HOW DO YOU STOP AN ORK FROM DROWNING, BROTHER?

>I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS FIELD, PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME

YOU TAKE YOUR BOOT FROM THE BACK OF HIS NECK.

>ALLOWING A XENO TO LIVE WOULD BE HERESY, BROTHER. I FEAR I MUST BRING THIS TO THE ATTENTION OF THE INQUISITION.

>>27118338
I don't get it.

>>27118313

>I say, old thing, I do believe I've finally cracked it.

Cracked what, my liege?

>The secret, the final secret of how to create a revenant which is less than five centimetres tall.

Really, lord? What will you call it

>Tomb Thumb

Go fuck yourself, lord. Seriously.

>>27118388
The joke is that they're holding the orks head under the water, drowning him.

The second marine is horrified that the first would consider not keeping the orks head under water.

BROTHER-TECHMARINE, I CANNOT HELP BUT NOTICE THAT OUR ESTEEMED BROTHERS OF THE IRON HANDS CHAPTER ARE WOEFULLY LACKING IN TACTICAL DREADNOUGHT ARMOUR.

>INDEED, BROTHER-SERGEANT. THEY SUFFERED TERRIBLY DURING THE HERESY. IT IS SAID THAT ALL THEIR REMAINING SUITS ARE HAND-ME-DOWNS.

IT IS GOOD THAT YOU ARE HERE, TECHMARINE. THE FLANK PLATING OF MY TORSO CARAPACE REQUIRES IMMEDIATE REPAIRS.

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So I went to the Superior the other day to requisition more prayer beads, and she kept me there for I swear like forty minutes interrogating me like some kind of Guardsman heretic! At first I didn't get what she was implying, asking if I had taken any recent trips to the infirmary, if I'd been separated from my Sisters in contemplation for any extended periods, and so on.
Then when I was walking away from her office, new beads in hand, I realized: she was actually implying that I was substituting the embrace of Mankind with my old ones.

That is why I thank the Emperor every day that I was trained in a convent with access to candles.

>>27118465
fapfapfapfap

BROTHER, I UNDERSTAND THAT DURING YOUR LAST PHYSICAL EXAMINATION THE MACHINE SPIRITS OF THE WEIGHING APPARATUS SAID "ONE AT A TIME PLEASE".

>INDEED BROTHER, TERMINATOR ARMOUR IS TRULY MASSIVE

THAT IT IS. EMPEROR PROTECTS.

>NONETHELESS I APPRECIATE YOUR LEVITY REGARDING MY INCREASED BODILY MASS. ACCORDINGLY I WILL BE ADOPTING A SLAANESHI DIET

HOW WILL THAT WORK, BROTHER?

>WHENEVER I SEE FOOD, I SHALL SAY "OH FUCK IT".

THAT IS AMUSING, BROTHER, BUT YOUR HERESY HAS NOT GONE UN-NOTICED.

>>27116143
>STEAL RAIN

BROTHERS! WE HAVE A WINNAR!

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>space marines with a sense of humor
>ctrl + f torgaddon
>0 results

/tg/, I am disappoint.

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How do Space Marines even have personalities? They seem so one dimensional to me. How can I possibly relate to them and their problems?

>>27118675

Read the first three Horus Heresy books.

Actually, the first four; Flight of the Eisenstein is pretty sweet.

They've got some humanity left.

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>>27118675
Well their lives are shit, they're stuck doing the same exact thing until they die which will probably be violent and sudden, they're being kept alive forever until that point (likely past it too via the technology of the powers that be), they're bald, and the reason why they do these things is for the man who made it all possible from the height of his solid gold chair. Sometimes they even care about those annoying and usually evil little bastards who they keep alive through their efforts!

I AM TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE LOCAL COMMISSAR HAS DECLARED EXTERMINATUS ON OUR GYMNASTIC-CHAPEL

>THIS WILL NOT STAND, BROTHER! WHAT REASON COULD HE POSSIBLY GIVE?

APPARENTLY HE DISCOVERED A NUMBER OF OUR CHAPTER DOING SQUATS.

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>>27118727

>HE DISCOVERED A NUMBER OF OUR CHAPTER DOING SQUATS

>>27118675
Play the Dawn of War games.

BROTHER I HAVE HEARD A TALE.

>I AM PROUD TO BE ILLUMINATED BY YOUR WISDOM

I HEARD OF A VISIT TO A CHAPTER OF THE ADEPTA SORITAS BY A FORMER GUARDSMAN WHO SAID TO THEM "HELLO, I AM A GUARDSMAN, WOUNDED IN THE SABBAT CAMPAIGN AND I HAVE OCULAR AUGMENTATION AND I MUST ATTEND YOUR BATHING QUARTERS.

>THAT IS NOT AN UNCOMMON AFFLICTION, I ASSUME THE BATTLE NUNS GAVE HIM INGRESS.

INDEED THEY DID BROTHER, AND WHEN HE WAS GRANTED ACCESS TO THE BATHING QUARTERS, HE SAID TO THE CANONESS "NICE TITS, SOROR, NOW WHERE SHALL I INSTALL THIS OCULAR AUGMENTATION?"

>HILARIOUS. PURGE THEM ALL.

Dammit TG I am trying to get homework done, stop being so entertaining. Admittedly it's not the best idea to be doing homework at this time of night.

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>>27114227
IIRC, in the Damnation Crusade, Tankred really liked sleeping, and got fussy like a two year old when the techpriests tried to wake him up.

>>27119525
When people can't even be fucked to remember your actual name, you can't blame Tankred for being testy.

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>This far into the thread
>Nobody has done a Rogue Trader "The Highlords!" joke

>>27119789
You. I like you.

I virus bomb your planet last.

>>27119789
Or that one about the Lichtor

>>27112510
When my family was working on the Bloodquest script, GW would send back notes of complaint if the Blood Angels showed any emotion ever.

>>27119789

Is...is it weird to get a boner from looking at female Space Marines?

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>>27120386
>Powerful musclegirl
>Serving the Emprah
>HUGE pauldrons
>Probably sterile
>Face obscured, will keep the helmet on (unless she's hot and has robot parts, in which case her face will be the only one in the crowd
>Wears the same thing every day and is bald so you'll never have to compliment her on something you didn't notice
>You will fall asleep before her, she'll be gone in the morning, and you'll never see her again
You'd be a heretic to NOT get one.

>>27113487
Says who?

oh my god someone archive this

>>27118025

Most of the Necrons new units are jokes.

>>27118727

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDD we have a winner..

10/10 made me reply

>OI BOSS, I GOTZ A JOKE FER YA!

WELL SPIT IT OUT, YA NOBBY GIT

>AWRIGHT, SO WHAT DO YA CALL A GIT 'OO AINT BIG, STRONG OR PROPPER ORKY?

DUNNO, WUTCHA CALL EM?

>AN ELDAR!

HAW HAW HAW

>>27121211
haw/10

>>27118120
COMEDY MORK

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>>27121252
DATS COMEDY GORK, YA DROP!

>>27112510
>Space Wolves
Plenty.

>>27113335
I don't know, I like it. Looks very comfy.

>>27114747

So I see, you guys are still trying hard with your 'US NECKBEARDS AMIRITE XDDD' humor

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>>27121211
Can it ya git, dakkafaces around.

>>27118045
Trazyn makes several in his message to Valaria.

>>27113803
>Crunchler and Wardfluff

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>>27118727

>>27117770
That took me a while to get.

>>27116748
Chaplain Monkhouse has lost his holy tome of humour again..

>>27121457

FUN IS FORBIDDEN BY TEH EMPRAH.

>>27124038
"FUN"=/=humor

>>27113487
No they're not.