And this is why DnD is a silly system. You are one good bluff roll away from breaking the game.

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>gnome sorceress in my group keeps a few vials of ghoul semen on her at all times.

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>>30291979
>party carefully maneuvers their war party throughout the area as they approach the enemy fortress
>the party takes special care to avoid detection at all costs so they can get to their destination unseen
>they finally come within view of the fortress after several close encounters of evading wandering hostiles on the plains
>"CHARGE STRAIGHT FOR THE GATES!"
>mfw they were surprised when sentries starting firing cannons at them

>>30292416
>ghoul semen
>ghoul
>semen

Ghouls can produce semen?

>>30292657
but it gets worse.

>a few vials of ghoul semen
>a few vials
>if any, why more than one?

>>30291979
no DM worth their sky would allow this kind of retardomancy.

it's not just the skill roll, it's the lie you want to tell. you would need one hell of a circumstance bonus or magical aid to convince someone they are not themself.

>>30292416
Damnit now I have to visit the /d/ shortstack thread. Again.

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>>30291979
>Running a pathfinder game for some friends
>Get an idea for a magical trinket from /tg/
>Guy on the street sells magical trinket to the party's monk while he's alone, shows him how it works slips it on his finger, it disappears, takes it off and it reappears. Shows him the same thing with a carrot and a feather
>Nobody else is aware of this item existing
>Monk doesn't take it to be identified
>Monk forces it onto his penis before trying it himself
>It gets stuck once he gets it past the head
>Monk suddenly realizes the head of his dick is actually gone
>NOW he decides to let the cleric identify it
>its a ring of gate, both ends function as per the spell gate
>I never expected this to happen due to a simple ring dammit /tg/


MFW After the session and due to campaign related things they are on their way out to an island via ship, rogue asks me what would happen if the monk fell in the water "accidentally" as he was curious.

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>Party wants to play merchant.
>"What does the country we are in produce?"
> They make good quality spears, and exotic fruits that can only be found in this part of the world.
> "What would give us the biggest return on our way north?"
> Well, in the next country up privatized weapons are very rare so you could possibly sell them at a premium.
> "Cool, we buy a ton of spears and then sell them on the way to our final destination."
>Privatized weapons are at a premium because local lords have outlawed sales of military grade weaponry.
>Party rides around with an open topped cart full to the brim with spears, asking random peasants if they want to buy.
>Are genuinely surprised when they get arrested.
mfw

>>30293425
did you at least explain to them that the weapons were contraband there?

>>30293425

Well did you tell the players that selling military grade weaponry was banned there, or were there rolls or anything that would let them know that beforehand?

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>>30292066
If you DM like a fucking idiot, yeah. Bluff can't make people believe whatever you want them to, and even the epic level checks only last for a certain amount of time.

>>30293495
>>30293498
Of course he didn't.
GMs like that make it a point to NOT tell their players shit like that, or even give them an out like a basic intelligence roll.
They WANT their players to fuck up so they can punish them and call themselves hardcore GMs.

>>30293207
I remember a similar story about a magic item. A ring that seemed like a simple invisibility trick, but actually was a portal.

If I remember correctly, that party also threw it into a lake, draining it of the water, causing a massive disaster in the region, as well as flooding the other side, which turned out to be a fey kingdom.

And then the party fled the country.

>>30293547
that was probably the inspiration for why he put it in his game

>>30293495
Dropped very heavy hints, I'm no hand holder
>Peasants in the first village they rode into welcomed them fairly warmly until they offered them the weapons, at which point things immediately turned sour as the peasants asked if they were "trying to get them killed."
>Described the local lord as being paranoid and power hungry, someone who would react very harshly to any perceived threat to his rule... such as arming the small folk.

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>>30293547

>>30293581
Fair enough, but some players are particularly dense about this kind of thing.

My own group were trying to solve a murder mystery, and we always got info about the most recent murder from one barkeep in the city. We didn't question how he knew even though we asked him first thing in the morning every morning. It wasn't until the guy we were protecting and had begun thinking was setting up alibis by having us protect him got murdered that I finally went to financial records of the city and found the reason the bar keep wanted the guy dead as well as everyone else he killed.

We were dense mother fuckers that session

Does anyone get sick of players who just have to do SOMETHING every time somethi g comes up?
I have one guy in my group who trys to roll knowledge religion every time the gm says we see something. That's the only knlwledge he has ranks in, so he insists on using it to check everything.
"You see a bush."
"I roll knowledge religion."
".....the bush has no religious significance that you know of."

"A troll is in the cave."
"I roll knowledge religion."
"You don't know anything about troll religion."

I finally asked him to please stop statbeating everything and use a modicum of common fucking sense, but he feels like if he's not rolling something every round that we're cutting him out of the game.

>>30293546
I should mention that this party had a tendency for ignoring my proddings and hints before.
> Ranger says he wants to go hunting while in town.
> I ask if he wants to look into any local poaching laws first.
>nope.avi
>Kills an elk, tries to take it through the front gate.
>Guards confront him, asks for his license.
> Doesn't have one of course.
> Guards offer him the chance for a bribe.
> Decides he'd rather run of into the woods and play fugitive for a week.

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>have decently experienced friend playing a very conscientious character, who only fights when it's the only option
>have That Guy
>conscientious character binds a lizardman and speaks to it, attempting to reason with it
>That Guy brings an axe down on the lizardman's head mid-sentence
>friend's face

>>30293207
>>30293547
>>30293662
Yep this was it, thought it was neat, didn't expect this.

>>30293786

To be fair, I've played with crazy GMs where if you DON'T roll something you're liable to be assfucked in 3 seconds.

> you enter a study that looks recently used. There are books strewn everywhere.

I tried reading the title of one.

> explosive runes to the face

>>30293878
And this is why interrogating in D&D leads to problems.

>>30293964
in the wrong group, yes. granted, the right group isn't too common.

Player who chopped a troll's dick and carried it for good luck.

Or I ran a hack and slash with 2 people
>Stupidly let two players play half dragons
>One of them is a power gamer
>The other is really young (12-ish)
>Power gamer builds a half red fighter
>12 yr/old builds half green fighter
>Both have awful charisma
>A few caves of random encounters later (was just a hack and slash I threw together over a weekend), they find a conveniently placed shop
>Think about buying a very expensive gemstone by swindling the shopkeeper through physical threats
>Threats are made
>Half green gets off-cue
>Vomits acid everywhere
>Entire building comes down around them
>I don't even reprimand them

Not really something my players have done, but i did because the storyteller would not work with us but demanded we do something or rocksfall.

>owod mixed game
>prince demands we steal a crypt from museum
>scope place out, my mage was given 6 paradox to make myself invisible out of sight of mortals
>get into control room, technocracy controls museum
>says i cant go down stairs without getting caught, cant go back out due to guard now at door
>6 hours into session, fighting st tooth and nail for everything
>say fuck it, flip a chair to distract them
>they immediately pepper spray room
>my soak counts for shit, -3 dice pools and i am now target of pepper oil
I got away and our group hid for a while, where he sent black spiral dancers after us. After offering forgiveness for our crimes, the prince had us killed on the street in downtown LA. I was sorta glad that it ended there, though his epic campaign has been us fighting random encounters in the woods for 3 games.

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>Pokemon Tabletop
>Misty's Gym
>PC does the "hurr durr send out magikarp then switch it out" stuff because he thinks he can sweep gym
>to be fair he's sweeping gym
>Get to the ringer, it's a gyarados
>series of unfortunate rolls on his end leaves him with only his magikarp that just knows splash and the gyarados with 2 HP
>I start to tell him what happens when he loses before his magikarp actually goes down
>I HAVE ONLY BEGUN TO FIGHT
>what
>I THROW THE MAGIKARP AT THE GYARADOS
>Search FRANTICALLY for something in the rulebook that says he can't do this
>fucking nothing
>The magikarp hits with an improvised tackles and takes down the gyarados
>His magikarp immediately gains enough levels to evolve into a gyarados
>mfw a majestic flying magikarp headbutted a gyarados into submission causing it to evolve mid-flight

>>30294958
This sounds like that punchlineismachismo comic.

>>30295050
Sort of is. Dude didn't challenge gyms as far as I remember, but his Magikarp evolved through repeated uses of using it as a blunt force object

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>>30294958
NOT SO FAST THERE, I KNOW ITS YOU

Way I remember it was the Gym had standing rules that any Trainer who ended up in the water was disqualified.

Misty, in order to escape my penultimate gambit, had lept astride her Gyarados and rode it into battle against me, avoiding the gym's pool.

My desperate, mighty toss of ISKANDER the Magikarp (18 Dex to hit, 16 Str for stopping power) hit Misty right in her bitch face knocked her from her steed into the drink, granting me victory through absurd technicality.

You never did confirm or deny if I had broken her nose, by the way.

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>>30291979
>PCs exploring a haunted house
>Warn them beforehand that this place has several totally bullshit ways of killing them if they're not careful
>Failed attempt to try and keep them on edge
>They enter the main lounge, start describing ancient mold-ridden furniture and curtains
>Move onto incredibly detailed dust-coated stained glass windows overlooking a sheer cliff into jagged rocks and ocean
>One of the party members starts grinning
>"Wait, how big are these windows?"
>Uhh, pretty big, like 3 by 8 meters or so?
>"I start to throw the furniture out the window"
>mfw
>Have the broken shards of glass animate and attack them
>Because haunted fucking house
>They're actually not all that surprised
>Doesn't stop them from breaking every stained glass window they come across from then on

And then there was the time that the Summoner got an orc out of a tree by dropping a great white on him.

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>>30295321
I have no idea how I could forget the stupid arbitrary rules I MYSELF made for the gyms but there ya go
the real story
the man behind the magikarp
and his photoshop should be taken away from him forever

>>30295321
Why did she ride the Gyrados instead of hang out on her podium thing? In what world would that possibly be a good idea? What if somebody threw out a Machamp and seismic toss'd that thing?

>>30292657
Ghouls are corrupted humans, not undead.

>>30292416
Never mind how, but whatever for?

>>30295523
The gym was rigged with several high-powered water jets (force of a hydro pump, for context) that would periodically fill certain areas of the gym. The idea was that the PC has to keep on the move and not stay on one perpetually safe spot. At one point I just had Misty ride the Gyarados because it was THE safest bet at the time from her perspective.
The Magikarp could not have been forseen.

>>30293106
Don't you mean "get to"?

>>30295679
>Use Snorlax
>Have him sit on a water spout
>Break gym

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>>30295735
one of the "Bad Rolls" that led to Iskander being my only hope was uh, one of the water jets hit my Lunatone for 70+ damage.

>>30295679
Really I'm surprised you told THIS story and not
the time I...


Consulted Helix Fossil

>>30295523
Because fuck you I want to ride my giant raging blue dragon.

It sounded less lewd in my head...

>>30295818
Duuuuuuuuuude. Its story time. Both of you.

>>30291979
>>30292066

Because you don't know the rules:

http://paizo.com/prd/skills/bluff.html

If he's able to succeed an opposed Bluff vs. Sense Motive check, at a -30 bonus... Then something is seriously wrong.

Also remember, Nat 20's don't do fucking shit in skill checks.

He'd need AT LEAST a +23 bonus to be able to ATTEMPT to do it. And that's only if he rolls a 20 for a total of 43.

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>>30295818
JESUS SHITTING CHRIST HOW COULD I FORGET
Ok so MOUNT MOON RIGHT?
>pretty big dungeon
>getting towards the end with the rockets and the nerd
>one last rocket in the way before we exit
>"alright roll speed/initiati-"
>"Henry picks up his Omanyte to smash the Rocket's face"
>"Wha"
>"I crit"
>"WH-"
>"I steal his wallet"
>"WHA-"
>"Are his carkeys in the wallet"
>mfw the party now owns a car and wallet containing a family photo of the Rocket's wife and children"

>>30295679
Okay I never once thought that Pokemon Tabletop would be fun until I imagined creative gym battles in which trainers have to avoid obstacles and shit while interacting and using their pokemon to defeat the opponent's pokemon.

Good show, sir.

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>>30295935
okay, ONE: YOU'RE the one who said I could knock him out if I did 20 or more damage, TWO: Proteus was FINE; the dents in his shell buffed out! Besides, I figured the Nerd would get help. If you think about it, the NERD let that rocket die alone in the caverns of mt. Moon. and THREE: you neglected to mention the Denny's coupon in his wallet.

>>30295966
credit where credit is due, you GOTTA read the manga if you're gonna make default pokes fun. Lt. Surge's gym is "Caged death match, by the way the cage is free electricity that has enough charge to fry your brain".
You gotta think outside the box with PTA/PTU because default pokemon is boring until you consider X Factors.

>>30296051
>DM-Crafts-an-elaborate-plot-for-the-PCs.gif

I'm GMing a 3.5 campaign where the 9 countries of the continent are just flat rip-offs of real life countries, and the party needs to unite the nine God-Kings of these countries to take down a necromancer who's planning to merge the Plane of Shadows with the Material Plane to create a paradise for undead.
Anyway, the leader of the PCs, an aging halfling who had dedicated his life to this quest, failed at it twice, and is going for one last go of it, convinced a bunch of bug people slavers to side with them for when it comes time to march against the necromancer. That wasn't the dumb/weird part. The dumb/weird part was that NO ONE OBJECTED, DESPITE EVERYONE BEING GOOD. Save the Halfling and an evil telepath.

>>30296216
>I'm GMing a 3.5 campaign where the 9 countries of the continent are just flat rip-offs of real life countries

>And then, without warning, the Slavs invaded

>>30296051
>>30295935
Moar. Pls.
There has to be more to this

I ran a one-shot zombie themed thing at a camp with a bunch of scouts who had never done it before. I used Pathfinder/3.5's base stats for all checks.
>one guy gets bitten, nobody makes the check to notice
>group decides to take off ramp to residential area
>see MRAP with soldiers
>nope, other direction
>bitten one is failing CON saves, declining in condition
>others figure he's probably bitten
>decide to tie him up while they investigate a house
>he runs, they START FUCKING SHOOTING AT EACHOTHER
>The PCs actually shoot at eachother
>Guy who started shooting at the bitten gets knocked out from taking rounds
>gunfire attracts MRAP and soldiers
>soldiers command to drop weapons
>everyone but the bitten does
>he shoots at someone who had dropped his weapon
>soldiers start shooting
Ended in a TPK.

>>30296259
I've done a lot of stuff mr. DM seems to have a problem with. Personally I don't see it.

Let's see, there was the time I killed Professor Oak's Ponyta within the first 5 minutes of the campaign... The Old Man whose kneecaps I broke COMPLETELY IN SELF-DEFENSE... That one time I resisted arrest and lept out a hotel window to escape Officer Jenny...that one time I kinda broke part of Bill's house with an Onyx... No-Damage-Running Erika's Miltank with a Koffing...

At least I'M not the one who shot Lieutenant Surge!

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>>30294696

>prince demands we steal a crypt from museum
>prince demands we steal a crypt
>steal a crypt

What?

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>>30296368
it's been
an adventure

>>30296368
Now when you say "killed" do you mean you actually killed his fucking horse or just knocked it out?

>>30296256

I pulled the same shit except it was the Chinese.

>>30296421
Let's just say that level 5 Ponyta don't respond well to 5 hits from Rock Blast.

Self Defense.

>>30296415
You can't see it in shitty quality gifs that are all around the net, but he's actually turning a glass bar right there. Now, why he's turning it back it forth, who the fuck knows. But he's doing something.

>>30296415
meant sarcophagus, im in the middle of planning out a game session and it involves a crypt and it slipped past.

>>30296368
YOU DID WHAT TO THAT MILKTANK?! HOW?

Was this Gary Oak and his Merry Band of THAT GUYs Fuck up Kanto?
The Hangover: Kanto?

>>30296506

it must be how Gary got all the badges so fast.

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>>30296506
>Was this Gary Oak and his Merry Band of THAT GUYs Fuck up Kanto?
Fund this.

>>30296421
He KILLED the ponyta. Sent it to negative hitpoints greater than it's max hit points in one shot.
Rockblast is some shit.

>>30296506
It was a Normal/Grass Miltank and he sent out koffing and got some super effective stuff. Also Rollout was just NOT working that day.

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>>30296594
You INSULT me sir. Rollout was working FINE. Kumo was merely a BASTION of physical defense and cannot be harmed by a move so weak as ROLLOUT.

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>>30293207
Something similar happened in a game my cousin DM'd:

>rogue finds invisibility ring
>puts ring on horse's dick
>loses horse

>>30296594
Okay so what I, and everyone else wants to know, is are you running another campaign like this and how can I get in on it because I want to join in on pokemon themed shenanigans.

>>30296668
bring this man along too, he seems to be a shenanigan generator at a least a half henderson level.

>Star Wars: Edge of the Empire
>party goes to a Hutt palace for a job/revenge
>set off alarms, start fires
>NPCs inside are panicking
>party confronts Hutt, fight starts
>one player notices a chandelier above the Hutt
>decides that the chandelier is too nice an ornament to destroy
>party kills Hutt the hard way
>party claims the palace as their own and turn it into a personal club/casino
>spend all their money on glow sticks to spell out a "Crime Palace" sign
>rest of the campaign is spent on kidnapping entertainment

What this guy said. I'm in.
This sounds like the beginning of a grand adventure.

QM, did these fucks at anytime say "Smell you later"

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>>30296869
Holy shit.
Batman was right.

You DO become just as evil as them, when you kill them.

>>30296869
Reminds me of some fun from an EotE campaign we had.

I suck at greentexting, bear with me

>GM is running smaller session because we're missing a few (including me, i heard about this secondhand)
>party is attempting to obtain supplies for our next mission, picks up a small job
>small job turns out to not be small. who'da thunk it
>they end up in a shipyard firefight
>our droid walks up to a firespray and begins to hack it
>4 critical successes later he's in the air with a firespray decimating the enemy

Our GM was not happy. Next session it got better though

>we're travelling with our main ship, the Impulse Streaker, a yt2400, and the firespray which has been named Droid Revolution
>get pulled out of hyperspacer
>FUCKING INTERDICTOR CLASS STAR DESTROYER
>we start shitting ourselves. obviously.
>droid's like, I got this
>critical success piloting check
>rams firespray (it was unmanned) into the bridge of the interdictor
>it completely blew up the bridge, managed to disabled the interdiction system, and we got the hell out of dodge.

and that is the story of the short life of the droid revolution.

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>>30296783
Your claim does me great honor; I have wracked my brain for a relevant story to this thread from things my own players have done when I DM, but the tale of the Kobold Fighter who tried to break into the Thieves' Guild, in broad daylight, through the front door is a short one, and I wouldnt know where to BEGIN with the tale of Town the Goblin Town and its totemic spirit beast, Glub-glub.

My own specialty lies creating my own shenanigans, such as the glorious ballad of Bear-Tron, MinMaximus: the Angriest Elf Who Ever Lived, Flanagan, the Ash Ketchum expy who turned into a Lich and took a Hyper-Beam to the face without flinching, Rolling a seduction roll so high I got the Grim Reaper's phone number, Playing as one of Tartarus' lawyers, here to audit the party, Beardface McDrunkbooze: the Dwarf who walked drunkenly down the halls of the Tomb of Horrors without dying, causing a near TPK with nothing more than a CR 1/3 Duck and a village of Gnomes, granting the Party Cavalier the great blessing of the Gravity Worm, causing a Bidoof to OHKO the party Psychic...

>>30296869
Honestly that is like a jizz worthy fantasy of mine. I want to own the perfect giant castle of a home and just travel the world every other month finding people I like enough to move into that bitch.

>>30296783
Unfortunately I'm not running any other games right now and our group actually has a backlog of "games we need to get to". Still, this is just an example of a player making his own fun. My campaigns tend to be pretty bland until my PCs inadvertently do something that makes me shift the dynamic.

>>30296996
...all of these stories sound amazing. I propose we change this into a general story thread. everyone likes story threads.

>>30297003
hey man, if you can swing with the punches your PC's throw at you and make the campaign fun, you're a damn good GM.

The games I play in feel more bland after reading stories on here. Can't tel if I'm inspired or discouraged.

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>>30297055
I can tell for you. You're inspired. You're gonna go into your next game, and be amazing. have some motivational material.

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>>30297055
Way I see it, you have a choice between the two. Were it me, I would choose Inspired, every time. If you DM, concoct something both you and your players would enjoy, and if (when) things go awry, roll with it! If you're a PC, have some fun with a character you can have fun playing! if nobody seems to be enjoying themselves too terribly, spice everything up! Breaking character and doing stupid shit, annoying the group and DM is one thing, but causing a worthy story with shenanigans is entirely another!

>>30297033
I live to entertain; which story shall I share?

ah- I should correct myself on the subject of Bear-Tron. A more accurate statement would be to say that I built Ramiel, a la Evangelion, out of grizzly bear.

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>>30297033
Sometimes you just need to let your PCs play what they want to play and explore boundaries on their own.
I think there should be room enough in a pokemon game for a structured plot outline -AND- for Dwebble vs Shotgun.
ngl, was noooot expecting dwebble vs shotgun
especially when dwebble wins

>>30297149
Lets hear about Ash Ketchum turning into a lich and taking a hyper beam.

>>30297153
and yeah, i agree. I've only had 2 DM's so far in my small amount of table tops played, and they're both very good at rolling with the punches. I've been lucky. no that GM on my list. (I have experienced a couple that guy's though.)

dwebble won? ._.;

They shot their Inquisitor in the face.

>>30297149
Don't get me wrong, our group has fun at sessions (I'm a player), I just can't particularly recall anything or group has done that was particularly dumb/weird.
I want to do something stupid since I'm a barbarian (very sensitive about his illiteracy) but I cannot think laterally in a tabletop context I guess.

>>30297240
barbarians are fun to have fun with. I have a character who's a barbarian who doesn't like fighting or killing and wants to be a priest/paladin.

he's also got 6 intelligence and has literally jumped onto the face of a dragon and has a habit of accidentally almost killing his party mates.

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>>30297185
There are tons of "that guy"s out there but I'd like to think a lot of them grow out of it. Mine did and now I honestly wish I talked to him more cause he became a great player. You just have to try your best not to police other people's fun if it isn't hurting anyone. That's why I didn't say "No you can't assault someone with a pokemon as a weapon", because that was his way of playing the scenario and there's no reason for me to interfere unless he's making everyone else miserable doing it.

>>30297293
I've only had 2 sessions with him so far, but I make him carry around a book he pretends to read, and he volunteers to read documents/clues whenever we come across them.
He just got the knockback feat so I might find a way to have fun with that.

>>30297185
>>30297185
I have chosen a moniker for myself, for simplicity. See, turns out that allowing a player to use a Dwebble as their starter was a BALLS-STUPID move for my DM, great guy he may be, as they learn the rather potent Rock Blast at level 5. Within the basement of a cannbal old man, filled with Ovens which were IN-TURN filled with people (though the DM assures us he wasnt actually a cannibal. He just fed his prey to his Arcanines.), our stealth failed us and we were accosted by Arcanines, who thankfully were low level and we dispatched them handily. Then the Old Man comes down, looking for the cause of the commotion. He had a shotgun with him. He used said shotgun to near-kill our physic's Houndour, to which I responded with a Rock Blast. And uh, promptly scored a critical hit. THe old man passed his death saving throw, but we were assured he would never walk again. Meh, fucker was mad cray anywho.

RIGHT, SO, my first every Pokemon Tabletop campaign. Lacking originality I played an Ace Trainer by the name of Flanagan, who wanted to be the Very Best. The DM allowed us a single pre-game starter in addition to the pokemon given to us by the local professor. Dear Flanagan, with his 6 Wisdom (we had yet to transition to the GOOD Pokemon Tabletop), started with his trusty Drifloon Helios, and acquired Eligius, a Magnemite, from Professor Evergreen. Who is driven to rampant alcoholism by my very presence. I shrugged when the DM asked me why I owned a Drifloon, and asked him to Surprise me. Hoooooo boy. [Cont]

>>30295862
>Also remember, Nat 20's don't do fucking shit in skill checks.

I always let Nat 20's succeed on skill checks, even for the craziest shit. It's not like they're common and sometimes the results can be CUHRAYZEE fun.

>>30296320
PCs getting into a fight reminds me of this oneshot samurai fate game I was in.
>fighting the big bad
>big bad starts cutting on himself to use blood magic
>raises an undead goon
>everyone fails their fear checks and freaks out
>decide to turn tail and "move to a better position"
>the captain type of the group has this reckless foible where he has to make a will save to retreat
>fails
note: he had been playing this guy like an imperial guard commissar
>"No you fools, we fight for honor!"
>he makes a swing at the nearest guy's leg to trip him
>with his sword
>first roll of the day he didn't fail or nearly fail
>completely slices the guys leg off
>everyone else stops in their tracks
>the scoundrel of the team (who had already looted the town we were trying to save), shouts "he's possessed!"
>the dm forced him to make a bluff roll
the only image I can think of to describe the feeling when he succeeded is one I didn't save. it was black and white and really detailed, had a bunch of players at a table killing themselves with big grins on their faces while one guy was talking. Someone had a cat tied to their belt. Looked like an illustration out of a rule book or something.

>>30297320
one of them could become a good player, the other one plays different games while we're playing our session (we do online with roll20), complains a lot, backstabs us for the shit of it when it makes no sense, complains when he doesn't know what's going on because he's playing other games (like dawngate), and is just really. really. really. annoying. i have the feeling if our sessions were IRL he wouldn't bring any food or drink and would mooch everyone elses while texting the entire time.

>>30297354
oh god that sounds hilarious.

>>30297383
I think yes and no on that. Nat 20s can succeed, but for something really ridiculous (like the time a dwarf stubborned a pit out of existance) you need multiple. but if you're a high strength barbarian and you roll a nat 20 to break something that isn't made out of adamantium, you just broke the shit out of it.

>>30297365
SO, the game progressed and Flanagan became an Enduring Soul, raking the role of the party tank. (he learned Protect fairly rapidly, and used it to deflect a point-blank Hyperbeam from a Magmortar. Anyway.) After some adventures we reached the haunted woods north of my hometown. See, Flanagan got lost here as a 6-year-old, and was missing for THREE MONTHS. He returned home with no memory of his time here, and a Drifloon. Who returned when his parents sensibly released it. SO ANYWAY SOME THINGS HAPPENED AND UH we kinda learn that Flanagan was brutally killed by a Spiritomb when he was in the woods, and the gods intervened to save him, in a gambit to create the Chosen One. So when the Spiritomb ripped my soul out through my face, the three gods of destiny took it from the spiritomb and pulled a shred off. They pulled a shred off of a nearby Drifloon's soul as well, swapped these soul-chunks, and put the souls back. So turned out that Flanagan's undead, his Drifloon contains a significant chunk of his soul, and the gods of destiny are CUNTS. Except Jirachi. He was chill and we hung out. Anyway, this proceeds to give me a level in Aura User and bitchin' ghost powers. From that point on I could see the mortal coil itself, and what death looked like from both sides of the circle of life. And I shoved our martial artist's soul back inside him when he grappled a wild Pineco. Who grapples a wild Pineco? the Martial Artist raised IN THE WILD, BY MACHOPS, THAT'S GODDAMN WHO. And thus is the existence of Flanagan, who then fucked off to hang out with his oracle rival and learn about destiny n' shit. Turns out I have to climb an ancient tower to the heavens and free Arceus, who is chained there. Still doing the League challenge though; I WILL DEFEAT THE ELITE 4 IN THEIR FLYING SKY CASTLE, MARK ME!

...Next yarn to spin? admittedly the tale of Flanagan was a collaboration of shenanigans between my DM and I

>>30297444
TPK with a CR 1/3 duck sounds fun for the next story.

But you had a good GM that session that's for sure. Rolling a random driftloon into a yarn about destiny and a lich being made out of a 6 year old boy.

>>30295633
A ghoul is what is created when an incredibly evil, cannibalistic person dies, and rises up, so yeah, they're undead.

So me and some others have started playing First Edition. We recently ran into an encounter with a lot of Sahuagin. Party consists of a few tagalong NPCs, a Drow Druid with their own personal fuckslave which has a comeliness of like 18 and is underage, my own dickish Elf Wizard and some other folks.

So following this fight, the Drow gets knocked out and we were sure they were going to die, to the point the player was about to start rolling up a new char immediately. I charm person'd one of the Sahuagin and told it to help the downed Drow, because he considered them much prettier than his friends.

He complied. By picking up the Drow and taking it deeper into the underwater caves. Everyone else finishes the fight and goes back to the surface while my Wizard and the NPC enlarged Barbarian went in to recon and see if we can get the Drow back. We come across them crowding around the body, laid out on an altar while my charmed Sahuagin explains that they need to save the Drow.

Previously I discovered Cantrips in first edition to be unfair. I proceeded to use the Change spell, morphing any bodily parasites or animals hanging off the hostile Sahuagin into oversized Lamprey Eels, which consequently sucked the guts out of each Sahuagin.

Prior to this, I also discovered combinations such as Hairy and Tie to result in horrors like an Orc having it's eyelashes grow to two feet long and tie themselves into huge knots, being able to spontaneously summon Brown Recluse Spiders onto people and creating swarms of Bees, one Bee at a time and crowding them into fragile glass flasks which I used as improvised Alchemical Bee Flasks.

What I'm getting at here is that Cantrips are the best and that combining it with Invisibility is the ultimate in hilarity for me.

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Here's one.

>running Only War
>part is playing tanith style regiment whose planet got whiped by chaos
>fighting stigmartus in the jericho reach, priest char has epic duel with a sorcerer
>sorcerer implodes and bursts into a bloodletter.
>party fights the bloodletter! sergeant dies but burns a fate.
>bloodletter drops a bloody brass khorne pendant - priest tells everyone to back the fuck away and not touch it
>squad heavy weapons guy waits till everyones back is turned, picks it up, puts it on.
>bad stuff happens, obviously, but heavy agrees to serve khorne to stop the bad things (no other characters notice)
>decides to start putting the pendant on random characters to turn them to khorne.
>causes such a stink the game group goes belly up for a time

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>>30297394
that took a lot less time than I thought it would.

>>30295633
>Looks like we have a Lovecraft fag over here.

>>30297532
looks more like it's from an anti dnd pamphlet than a rulebook.

>>30294958
That isn't stupid. That's goddamned brilliant.

>>30297475
Agreed. He's a great DM, but tends to be a right evil bastard when he plays, WHICH LEADS WELL INTO THE TALE OF THE GNOMETOWN DUCK. Right, so. The party arrives in Gnometown, a quirky village of gnomes that exports Magic Items and new spells for the nation its in, to meet an old co-worker of the Dwarven Entomologist they were working for, and get some runes they found in ancient volcanic caverns translated. Fizzlethorp, said Gnomish linguist. Is sadly leaving for his yearly vacation to the Elemental Demiplane of Beaches, but made the PCs a deal: if they babysit his POSSIBLY MAGICAL (he's like 60% sure it lays golden eggs) pet duck for ONE WEEKEND, he'll translate the runes for them. So, Half-orc Fighter promptly suggests putting the duck in a cage for safety, to which the Ratfolk Witch ADAMANTLY REFUSES; if the duck isnt HAPPY, it won't lay any golden eggs! and those are worth MONEY! So a boring friday and 2 nat 20 Escape Artist Checks from a duck later, the party is fighting an Antipaladin of Urgathoa and her plague zombie horde inside the halls of the Gnomish Museum of Terrible Ideas. Tensions between the party high, as the Half-Orc and Ratfolk spent the previous day arguing about what should be done with the Duck, and the Ratfolk BROUGHT THE DUCK TO THE MUSEUM FIGHT. Where it is promptly poisoned by a Wasp Swarm summoned by the Antipaladin's weapon, the Pestilance. So my players narrowly stop this fiend from her notorious (they assume) plans, and destroyed Fechin, her favorite zombie horse. So she flees, and swears revenge, and blah blah blah. The party retreats to lick their wounds, and argument over the duck's safety continues as they cure it. The Plagueknight's revenge comes QUITE PROMPTLY, as the NEXT DAY a horde of Gnoll bandits working for her sack Gnometown and visciously butcher any gnomes they can find on their way to the museum to finish their master's job.

>>30297532
>Thai Cuisine

>>30297620
Sometimes, you need special rulebooks

>>30291979
My dwarf fighter, Thorvald, managed to kill a powergamer paladin with moonshine and a lit pipe. It was a legitimate accident, but no one was sad that the guy burned to death in his armor.

Another time, through the power of another party member shifting him through a window, he fell, axe-head first AKA; he has the head of an axe magically welded to his skull, hidden by a glorious mohawk, into the head of one of 3 guards guarding the inn they were in at the time. Thanks to a nat20 intimidate, I was able to scream at the other two, making them shit themselves and run away.

Another time, while DM'ing, I had a high level rogue fuck with the party for 10 sessions straight. I had only planned for it to happen once, and them to catch him, but every single check and precaution failed when it came to this guy.

I have more of Thorvald, him being my oldest character, but I don't want to bother putting more.

>>30297412
Actually I do remember something my Barbarian did.
>Hired by an expeditious Paladin in search of rare artifacts
>I decide to drag along everything I kill
>Gut the larger copses and stuff the smaller corpses into them
>Get to this cave
>Turn into a huge swarm of rats
>I offer my wolf-elf-celestial dog to the rats
>Become the friend of the rats

>Further ahead in the dungeon
>Room with a flooding trap and ladder 20ft above us
>My rat friends help me swim to safety as half the party drowns
It's not super out there but about as dumb as I've ever been.

>>30297618
ducks are fucking evil, that is a truth that everyone should know.

you pick your favorite for the next one, i'm enjoying myself over here.

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>>30296996
>Rolling a seduction roll so high I got the Grim Reaper's phone number

>>30297585
>I THROW THE MAGIKARP AT THE GYARADOS

Except, in Pokemon, the trainer can't physically participate. The trainer can, at most, give his Pokemon advice from the sidelines.

The moment he jumped in, he voided the rules of the fight and lost.

>evolve mid-flight
No. Just no.

>>30297618
The PCs exit their inn to see what all the commotion is, and are greeted with gnolls sniffing the air and growling "...duck!? ...I LOOOVE the taste of DUCK!". One fight of a flood of 12 Gnolls after their duck later, the party chases down the VICIOUS LEADERS of the Gnoll bandits and battles their favored minion, the 12 foot tall Gnoll Unchosen who can see the goddamned future, BILL, who introduced himself by tearing a Gnome in half and eating his own iron muzzle. WIthout taking it off. BARELY killing BILL and not even scratching the gnoll leaders, the Ratfolk, holding the Duck. Promptly bails, abandoning the Fighter. The Summoner had already ran to get the gnomish constable. The Fighter, rather than fleeing as well, challenges Grem and Grom. They, planned bosses FIVE LEVELS FROM NOW, beat him unconscious in two rounds and say that they'll spare him, as they don't sully their blades with half-breeds. I was prepared to call it a day, having prevented a stupidity-inflicted character death, when the Ratfolk emerged from hiding. Infuriated by the Half-Orc fighter's HONOR, FIGHTING, ARGUING, and general INABILITY TO BE A CONNIVING ASSHOLE, he tells me that he coup de graces the Fighter. Repeatedly, if necessary. So he spends SIX GODDAMN ROUNDS slowly strangling a half orc, and I roll for how long the constable takes to arrive. On the sixth, the half orc fails his saving through and dies, at the SAME MOMENT the grizzled gnomish guard captain arrives on the scene. The Ratfolk is proptly dragged to jail, screaming insanity about a duck (which was confiscated) and a half-orc, and a giant moth (long story). He was then committed to a gnomish asylum and later transferred to the royal prison in the capitol, while the fighter solemnly rolled up a Kobold. The ratfolk's player in turn rolled up a Lawful Good Cavalier as apology, and that's how a Duck caused the loss of 2 of a 3-man party.

>>30297715
oh dear god i thought the antipaladin was the naer TPK. oh god that's beautiful. that is just fucking beautiful.

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>>30293532
Listen to me here sonny boyar gurps are way way better.

>>30297564

Its from one of the in-setting old-WoD\Werewolf Pentex "Black Dog Studios" books (like the Fomori game, Freak Legion)

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>>30297709

>>30293964
This why you should play gurps instead.

>>30297692
my FAVORITE? hoo, that's a toughie.

That'd be three INTERTWINED STORIES; Minmaximus, ANGRIEST ELF WHO EVER LIVED, Lykorgos, the schizophrenic gnome who KILLED NARNIA, and the GLORIOUS BALLAD of BEAR-TRON, constructed by Borris Babypuncher.

These anecdotes are from my D&D 4e career, and all stem from a grudge against a DM who pulled foul play. when I missed a session on thanksgiving weekend, visiting family, he spent said session re-writing my then-character's backstory into something he could more easily mock (it involved making it so now I was notoriously a fucker of undead otters, everyone in the kingdom knowing that I fuck undead otters). Too tired from my flight when I returned to roll with this and already annoyed with my what verged on THAT DM too often, I swore REVENGE upon his campaign and created the three glorious characters written above.

I'm gonna go get some water, cause you folks are in for a ride.

>>30297860
the gnome who killed narnia, what. looks like I should get some water myself, I wanna hear this shit.

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>>30295862
Pathfinder is only system, pls stop this madness.

>>30297860
Alright, so, having my previous character finish with the Drow Matron that was "interrogating" him, I called up the Grim Reaper to go ahead and take me to my new life away from the mortal plane with my bitchin' death-wife, I proceeded to introduce my newest character. Now see, Occasionally I'll build heavily MinMaxxed builds to see what a system is capable of, and then simply not play anything too gamebreaking. Already intrigued by how DIFFICULT it was to flagrantly MinMax in 4e, I broke this rule for the sake of my vengeance and built MinMaximus, and Elf Avenger with an Executioner's Ace, who's chosen prey as an Avenger was "everyone" and vibrated with fury when near anything with a working heart. MinMaximus followed the party around for a lengthy no-combat portion of the game, rarely speaking (though befriending the Wizard) until his time came. The first combat since his introduction, and it was a Boss Fight against the evil ruler of the dark realm we had found ourselves in, and who demanded we kneel before his awesome and terrible might. MinMaximus charges. MinMaximus, the Level 4 Elf Avenger, deals 248 damage in his first round of combat. I paint the throne room red and END the life of a villain who probably had a lot more monologuing to do. Shortly thereafter we took over said dark realm and our Wizard used Knowledge (Economics) to rule it with an Iron Fist, using his bloodthirsty elven companion as a Tax Collector.

The DM then began a NEW campaign, seeing as how we had thoroughly ended that one... [cont]

>>30295830
But anon...
Who here DOESN'T want to do that?

>>30297945
I like 13th age.

>>30297970
The new game, having a plot of "something something Drow", I felt it my duty to continue my revenge, as a cheesed boss fight felt entirely too shallow. And so was created Lykorgos, gnomish Cleric/Barbarian, who I decided was cripplingly schizophrenic. So much so that every 30 minutes I rolled a d20 to determine how Lucid he was, and should he fail to score a 20, his actions, speech, and perception of the world were determined by a complex series of charts and dice rolls I wrote up. For reasons beyond me the Cleric leader of the new party accepted my aid, and we delved into a nearby evil wizard's tower to something something those drow. Lykorgos' antics were beloved by all, even the Fighter whom the gnome believed to be a tremendous swan (I kept fucking rolling 4 for some reason). The DM made each floor of the Tower quite... extraordinary, in its own way, until we neached floor twelve, which contained merely a stone room with stairs leading up on the opposite side, a metal bedframe, and a large, STURDY wooden wardrobe. Knowing the DM to be fond of movie/TV shout-outs and the fact that the second Chronocles of Narnia movie had JUST come out the week before, I knew what was happening and what must be done. "WAIT!" cried the gnome. "DON'T PEER INSIDE YON BOX! if'n you see the magical realm inside it may NOT be a magical realm at all! for believing is seeing and I don't believe you don't see what I believe I see! I know what must be done to the Wardrobe of Wonderment!" the DM looks at me with scrutiny, and glanced at his notes. I briefly pondered how deep into Narnia we were meant to get as I recruited the tremendous swan's aid. At Lykorgos' order, the party chained the metal bedframe to the wardrome, with the wardrobe's doors chains FIRMLY open (we were careful not to peer inside.) We then carefully pushed it to the nearby window... and Pushed it out. Where it toppled out of the tower... and off the cliff the tower sat near, into the sea.

>>30298103
With a metal frame chained to it it sank, water flooding the wardrobe. I turned the DM and told him of how water pressure would increase rapidly as the wardrobe reached the bottom of the ocean, and how anything NEAR where that door connects will be utterly obliterated and the realm beyond flooded. Taking a sip of my coffee, I them calmly asked, over our cleric's uncontrollable giggling, how much EXP Aslan was worth.

Shortly thereafter, in an underground crypt full of Drow or something, Lykorgos rolled his first natural 20 on a lucidity check. At the same moment that the party cleric betrayed the party and sided with the drow, ad she realized the party were the TRULY evil ones. Lykorgos knew himself to be... a Cleric... of that very same order! He looked to his comrade's actions and knew her to be right and just, and coup de graced the unconscious party Monk next to me, allying myself with the Drow I had been fighting. We butchered the rest of the party and joined the Drow in their efforts to do... whatever.

And what happened next was the approximate point that things got crazy.

>>30297232
Context. Please.

>>30293904
>didn't expect this.
If the inspiration for an item is a story of how the party started a war with a fey kingdom, how can you NOT expect crazy shit?

>>30298145
When next we arrived for our weekly session, we found the DM absent. He failed to arrive that night, which nary so much a phone call to warn us. And so we waited a week... and it happened again. And again. For three weeks he failed to arrive to a game, and failed to warn even a single player of this event. And so we were forced, DMless, to SOCIALIZE. And so did I sow the seeds of my vengeance towards this DM within my fellow players, and gathered them in a grand undertaking. CLouding their minds with their annoyance at three weeks of wasted time and gas money, I convinced them all to use new rules that had just been printed for 4e. And so, under the banner of Borris Babypuncher, Pixie Ranger, I convinced them all to build Pixie Rangers, with Grizzly Bear animal companions. A total of 6 Grizzly Bears were gathered for this grand undertaking, backed by 6 Pixies with longbows. And so on the fourth week. The session began, and our PCs assembled, and the DM's eyes grew with horror and amusement, for before him were gathered 6 Pixie Rangers with Grizzly Bears. And so we fought, trivializing any and all encounters in a tempestuous storm of Bear. Until it came time. Time for my grandest creation. Encountered we, in the depths of a drow Crypt, a pair of Ogres, working for the Drow (the DM really likes Drow ok). I suggested we sneak past these brutes, and so Handle Animal was rolled. And so, Use Rope was rolled! And so, through 6 bears climbing on top of one another and grappling one another, did we create a vaguely humanoid shape built from bears, held together with ropes.Hid did we, within the warm folds of out newly-cristened Bear-Tron, the Bear Voltron, the highest Charisma of we pretended to serve as the voice of almighty Bear-Tron, and convinced the Ogres that w-I am BEAR...GAR, HAIRIEST OF ALL OGRES, and that I COMMAND THEIR RESPECT.

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>>30292416
>our whole party`s face when the Bard/Alchemist does the same with dragon spunk

>"Why would you need that?"
>"You never know! It might come in handy someday."

>>30298247
BEARGAR.

beargar

BEARGAR. I like beargar.

>Enemy spellcaster is holed up in his room because the party chased him there.
>One player runs in, enemy casts Darkness. Player can't see shit, so he runs out.
>Players don't know what to do, so literally 5 straight rounds of everyone in the group saying "I ready an attack to hit him when he comes out."
>He doesn't come out.
>"We wait until his spell wears off and then we go in."
>Spell lasts 5 minutes.
>They, geniuses they are, give a fucking spellcaster 5 minutes of time to prepare in combat.
>They run in.
>He casts Darkness again.
>They run out.
>Rinse, repeat once more.
>Session ends with them extremely mad that this "Overpowered spellcaster can shut them down with one spell."
>They seriously can't comprehend running 10 more feet towards him to get out of the darkness.

Also, there should be a law allowing you to murder every single person who says "I ready an action to hit whoever comes close."

>>30298247
Continued, did this conversation, and the Ogres revealed themselves to be both polyamorous and homosexual, and attempted to seduce o hairy Beargar. One Ogre "accidentally" undid one of Beargar's clothing fastenings, and so the ropes did unravel. Our deception unveiled, the Ogres realized that Beargar was nothing more than 6 bears, and became furious. Thinking quickly, I enacted my newest plan. Each pixie in turn used Pixie Dust to grant our bear the glorious capacity for Flight. The six of us gathered in a single square, and out six bears formed a protective sphere around us; one below, one above, one ahead, one behind, and two beside. Thus was created a floating, modular configuration of grizzly bears, whose core was six longbow-wielding pixies. Reconfiguring itself into new shapes as needed throughout combat, our protecting Fuursfield served as well, and we dispatched these Ogres. With this singular act - with the creation of an amorphous bear-mecha piloted by six pixies, did the DM slowly close his notes, and buy several beers. And thus is the tale of my grudge against That DM. Amen.

>>30298293
fuursfield. fuck i think i just died. tits are allowed on TG right? I want to shower you in gifs of tits for that glorious story.

>>30298290

so you've readied an action to murder whoever readies an action to hit whoever comes close?

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>>30298304
blue board = no tits

red board = yes tits

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>>30298318
that is good to know. this instead then, in honor of the beartron.

>>30297383
>I always let Nat 20's succeed on skill checks, even for the craziest shit.
Consider treating it as a +10 (or even) bonus to the check. This way it stays fun, it helps people that aren't skillmonkeys and it keeps completely idiotic results at bay.

>It's not like they're common and sometimes the results can be CUHRAYZEE fun.
5% odds are pretty common.

>>30298293
Glorious. Fucking glorious.

>>30298340
Bear-tron thanks you for your offering.

a bit off topic, but for DMing a one-shot, what's a good important social event for level 1 PCs to be attending, and what's a good important female social figure for them to rescue when she is kidnapped from this event by Orcs with hang-gliders who interrupt?

(I have enough energy left in me for another story or two; are there any in the previous list /tg/ is particularly interested in?)

>>30298293
So, what about getting Death's phone number?

Also, someone archive this, I don't think I've seen a thread this glorious in a while.

>>30291979
I was a fellow PC in this game:
>evil party working for a cult
>we have the mission to destabilize a region
>establish a base of operations in the largest city
>hear of heavy bandit activity in the region that caused trade to group together into a few huge caravans for added protection; they were now effectively invincible
>make a plan to disrupt trade in the region by going to the different bandit groups and paying them for working together, giving them the strength to take down the caravan
>venture out into the deep woods, find a marauding orc tribe after a while
>my half-orc rogue manages to parley and convince the chieftain of our plans after our fighter defeated their ogre in single combat
>continue to find two human groups, also employ them
>finally find a hill giant in the woods
>sorcerer manages to get him on our side by intimidating him with fire magic
>the fragile alliance is established
>fast forward to day of first raid
>we decided to lead the charge to ensure our success
>large battle ensues, heavy losses on both sides
>the cleric and I run around and stabilize our casualties, the rest battles, so the party is completely seperated
>achieve a close victory, very few on our side are left standing
>the three PCs leading the charge see that our bandits are almost all incapacitated and the giant is heavily wounded
>one player gets the bright idea and mutters our loud "If we kill them all, we won't have to split the loot"
>they start butchering our troops, kill the bandit leaders and the giant
>cleric and I are powerless to stop it, since we aren't anywhere near them
>we finally find them, but the damage is done
>we've rid the region of all bandits at the cost of one caravan out of several each month
>yay

>>30298509
>a bit off topic, but for DMing a one-shot, what's a good important social event for level 1 PCs to be attending, and what's a good important female social figure for them to rescue when she is kidnapped from this event by Orcs with hang-gliders who interrupt?

I don't know but it sounds fun.

>>30298509
samhain party, the 'belle of the ball' who turns out to be the town leaders daughter perhaps?

>>30294398
>half dragon
>fighter
>power gamer
I don't think you've ever seen a real powergamer.

Rival Rogue was attempting to perform a "shell game" with 3 landers, while escaping from an asteroid.

Performing a quadruple bluff (telling a lie so bad that the players believe he wants them to disbelieve it, so it must be true, which therefore, it mustn't, because that would be too simple).

They board one of the two mass cargo landers instead of chasing after his personal craft. They get all the way to the cockpit before realizing the boxes of "precious loot" are actually promethium, which the rival then triggers laughing madly.

A couple of people having to burn fate points to avoid that death trap.

The Rogue Trader then decides (knowing full well what happened), that he should ram the other transport with his own craft in order to stop it from taking off. Because the Rogue Trader must be in that one, and couldn't have just escaped in his own personal craft with his bodyguard of Heavy Bolter equipped servitors.

At the end of the session, there were 4 burnt fate points and every characters was in the infirmary.

>>30298532
Ah, such is a tale (itself inspired by the Tartarus' lawyer tale) of Gawain, the fanciest fancy man, Lawful Evil fop. A duelist twas he, and a duke. He was investigating strange goings on in a peasant village he extorted money from, because if they cant FARM then he cant take their MONEY legally. Gawain's defining characteristics were that he was a fragile dandy-man, and ludicrously pretty. Not only pretty, but silver-tongued as well. He was at one point instantly crushed to death by some sort of Frost-Ooze, and the DM, laughing, apologized for the accident. Not having another character sheet with me, I rolled seduction. He asked me to clarify, and I told him that when the icy hand of death came for my soul, I firmly grasp it, pull death into my spectral arms, and seduce him/it/her/them. I proceed to roll 1 natural 19, with an ARBITRARILY high charisma modifier and further bonus from a background I had chosen, that involves being ludicrously attractive. flattered by my flattery and good looks, Death accepted my love and with a kiss, constructed a flesh golem in my exact likeness, imbued it with my soul, and sent me back to the dungeon. And so, as the party finished off the ooze, I opened the door, bare-ass naked, and confidently strode over to my own corpse and looted it, acquiring all of my former gear. I then instructed my scribe to make a not to return my corpse to my manor and have it stuffed, and displayed in my office in a heroic pose. I then noticed a glyph on the back of my hand that, the party Wizard told me, would enable a 2-way Scrying link when used as part of a divination spell. And thus I got Death's phone number.

>>30297736
>Try out GURPS
>Sit there reading a book on my phone while DM and a player roll 11 opposed dice rolls
>Continue to sit there while another player does the same thing

Maybe we were doing the rules wrong, but sitting there while my friends take 11 shots with a rifle ain't my idea of fun.

>>30298652
Oh, and a couple times thereafter Gawain casually went for a booty call. By, er, committing suicide. It was fine, though, the Flesh Golem thing happened again each time, until I decided it was time to rid myself of mortal concerns.

>>30298703

yeah, that isn't right at all. in 3e you were supposed to roll shots in groups. I don't remember the exact details but you rolled and then consulted a chart to see how many shots in the group hit. IIRC in 4e you roll once and automatic fire gives you a bonus.

>>30298720
...he went for a booty call with death.

by killing himself.

how did he end it, i want to hear this.

Silly, me, I forgot ALL ABOUT the time I destroyed Spain in a vortex of exploding spiders in 1890 by stabbing an admiral so hard he ceased to exist, when I listed off stories of my shenanigans. HOWEVER, I must asleep! Should this thread be present when I return home from work tomorrow, I may likely be persuaded to share it! Fare thee well, gentlemen. May thy games by full of unreasonable fuckery and feats of glory!

>>30298809
AND the time I played a sentient Vending Machine who burned down the entire world with Sumo Wrestling and imagination.

>>30298774
Its the same character from >>30297970 ; he eventually got bored of being love-slave to the 50 Drow who captured him so he killed himself while servicing the Drow Matron and ran off to live happily ever after with Death.

>>30298774
Second this and then I NEED to hear about resisting arrest and evading Officer Jenny.

>>30298753
Well in the book we read, defenders got to roll against ever time they were hit, and the rifle my friend was using had 11 shots, so defenders had to roll 11 times - but usually justt died.

It didn't seem like a very appealing system to me at all, with the ridiculously high lethality.

>Teaching people CoC with The Haunting babbies first CoC
>Tell them that knowledge is the best weapon
>They throw a house party
>Two PCs spend most of the session getting drunk and lesbianing on a sofa
>Haunted house preps itself for them
>24 dead party guests later the 4 PCs are on the curb bleeding and just short of temp insanity
>next session they investigate properly
>only minor stupidity like snorting black powder that they found that caused 2d6 CON damage
>next one I'm running they'll actually investigate the house properly and hopefully not try to fuck the people of colour they encounter
>they've already discussed appeasing the house so they can have a permanent possessed party house that redecorates itself at will.

CoC, not even once.

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>>30294958
>>30295321
These two would be proud of the both of you.

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>>30297709
DM Here
Yeah probably but I don't care- it was stupid and it was fun. As soon as DMs are given money for following the rules verbatim, I'll start being a stickler and not letting my players have fun.

I have another story though, this one was from the first time I ever played a tabletop game ever.
>playing D&D
>Get hired by local housewife to find her husbad
>initially laugh but realize he's an archaeologist and he could have gotten himself in some huge shit
>go to the town where he was staying
>for some reason entire town is held up in church
>go inside, archaeologist starts freaking out
>friend knocks him unconscious because he was being annoying
>church is then besieged by an evil cult
>after sieg is over (they mostly come out at night. mostly) we look around for archaeologist
>can't find him
>there's only one exit and it had to be boarded up because of the siege
>wtf
>We decide to leave for the day to look for reinforcements because this is WAY over our level 2 paygrade
>come back after recruiting a handfull of rangers who were war vets to help out
>open the church doors
>BLOOD OCEAN
>there is so much blood
>there aren't even any bodies or bones it's just ALL blood
>nope.avi
>we get the fuck outta dodge and never look back
Apparently what had happened is that the cultists came to the church during the day to negotiate with the villagers. During negotiations, the Archaeologists, who had been CHUGGING potions of invisibility this whole time to not be seen and caught by the party, runs out of invisibility potions. POOF- suddenly there's a guy in the middle of the room who appeared out of nowhere and the lead cultist screams "AMBUSH" and orders the cult to liquify the villagers.
And that's the story of my first adventure in D&D.

There was one game where I rolled up a Jew and used a ring of mirror pool to call my mother, who scolded a flesh golem to death. Or the halfling bard who used summon instrument to drop pianos on people. Or my half Orc "bardbarian" who beat people with solid steel lutes. Or the time I was Jackie Chan.

>>30291979
>WFRP
>halfling assasin
>gets a mission from a local crime lord to bust one dude out of prison, or if it's impossible deliver him a poison.
>he gets the letter with mission details, and small vial with dark liquid attached to it.
>he drinks it.

Truly, some players doesn't deserve to have any Fate Points.

>>30297709

Shockingly, in this DM's universe, this is not true, given that he fucking allowed it.

If you can't develop a sense of humor naturally, go rent one.

>>30303996
DM here
hey now, let's not get aggressive because they disagree with my methods. A method is an opinion- one that everyone is entitled to. Yeah I should have disqualified him but it was way too bewildering to punish him for. Make me laugh and there's a lot i'm willing to bend for you.
I would not be a good DM for pathfinder society, that being said hahaha

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Well this was a fun thread.

>>30304407

Person you replied to:

Sorry, been having a day with people being dickish and I guess it rubbed off.

All the same, anon's by the book attitude rubs me the wrong way since you DID allow it.

Ah well. You're a better GM than I.

>>30304460
thank you for this. Best story time Ive seen in a while.

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>>30298854
Does Death live in a fancy bag in that universe?

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>>30298340
Dem bears.

>>30298318
All this time I sincerely thought the term "blue board" was simply a reference to blue balls.

>>30298720
And so, you fulfilled one of my life-long dreams; to have an entire hallway filled with taxidermised versions of myself in a variety of amusing poses.

And I'm actually called Gavin. Fuck.

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>>30291979
>killing an unarmed and fleeing priest with a flare gun

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>>30292615
I had one just like this.
>Party gets invited to dickass noble's manor, their only mission is to break into his prison and talk to someone in there for clues
>they do some investigation and find out her throws people in the dungeon all the time for petty shit
>But they take the invitation and scout out the manor, smart players yeah
>Find out that he has a pretty hefty garrison of 30 musketeers and the only approach into the castle is covered by two 12lb cannons with another guarding the courtyard
>One of the players is an officer of the rival nation and knows that these musketeers are usually recruited from colonial veterans, not green farmboys
>Another player discovers a sidepath up the mountain that leads right into the dungeons
>They frontally assault it the next night screaming and yelling at they charge up the path
>Players are buttmad when they get assfucked by grapeshot and precise volley fire from veteran soldiers
>mfw

I handed them that one on a silver platter. They had so many ways to complete the mission and they chose the most retarded thing they could possibly do.

>>30311904
I will never understand why people do this shit. It isn't a stretch of the imagination at all to maybe give the long but less buttfuck-lethal path a spin.

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>>30292657
>Not knowing that all super powerful members of he undead can squeeze some out on rare occasion

Pic related.

She basically has a ghoul lord chained up somewhere.

Also

>No Lichborn PC.

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>>30291979
>starting campaign
>ask for backstories
>start with first player
>he says "What's Aladin's backstory?"
>mfw

>>30297971
People who have characters dating people with giant raging blue dragons, duh. Or people with massive, hard rock serpents.

>>30293853
>Hunting Licenses
>In medieval not-Europe
yeah no

>>30296996
>Playing as one of Tartarus' lawyers, here to audit the party
Is that you, Plasmaman/Ikksnay?

>>30315195
Not that it matters since my setting my rules, but look up the penalties for poaching game in a kings forest sometime. Was a serious offense to kill what the king saw as his property without royal permission.

>>30293786
Sounds like he's got a bad case of empty room syndrome
>"You find an empty 10x10 room"
>Check for traps
>Check for secret doors
>HOURS LATER
>"Okay, maybe the treasure is hidden in the ceiling..."

>>30315849
Yeah, but you didn't need tags and shit. It was sort of implicit that if you looked fancy enough then you probably had permission.
That's not even getting into the implications of having the "king's forest" directly outside of a town since towns had some level of autonomy and independence due to the way a charter worked, as well as requiring documentation from people that hang out in the middle of a damp European forest for hours or days at a time, where it would get lost or torn up and soaked beyond recognition very easily.
It's a logistics nightmare.

>>30316205
Not to mention that in the smaller communities those with permission would more or less already be known to anyone responsible for enforcing the law. They'd also know who in town does NOT have permission, and anyone left over would be assumed a poacher.

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>>30294958
Glorious

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>D&D 3e play by post
>PCs openly pick fight with criminal organization
>city arc
>enemy bounty hunter ambushes wizard when she's traveling alone at night
>hits her with something to tangle her legs
>she pleads with him
>closes to melee
>uses 1st level illusion spell to trick him into going away, he makes his save
>trained melee type begins fucking up her ability to concentrate at all, kidnaps her successfully
>10th level caster
>"I didn't have Fly prepared"
>"I didn't want to use a fireball, that'd damage the city"

Adorable, imo.

>>30316205
Fair nuff. License was really the wrong word, really just used it to express what was going on without going into tl;dr territory. It was more that the party was clearly foreign, and that the guards would see the members of the local hunting guild coming and going so he stood out as being an outsider who had just poached their game without any form of permission.

>>30293106
Link?

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>PCs framed for a crime by BBEG's right hand man
>held in a cell at the local guard barracks
>engage escape plan
>almost out
>elf sets the building on fire

I still don't know why he did it.

>>30316522

because he's an elf

>>30292657
Semen being something that lasts about 42 days before having died out and been replaced, and undead typically not regenerating and even rotting...
No, no they can't produce it but you might be able to extract some semen from a fresh ghoul.

http://www.ucsf.edu/news/2006/03/6621/new-findings-sperm-life-cycle-could-impact-fertility-treatments

>>30316430
>3e
>10th level caster

Your player fucked up. There was no reason she should have lost that fight.

>>30291979
>>30292066
>>30293080
>>30295862

Oh dear deities, I have a DM who actually takes nat 20s as "always successful".
Last game our barbarian stole a bottle of plague I had just traded to some mummy, who had tucked it away inside of her mummy-rags, by rolling a nat 20 on untrained thievery.

Now we have
1. a pissed off necromancer after us.
2. not a new staff from me because the barbarian didnt need to beat the shit out of that mummy to get my plague bottle and I play someone generally non-violent.
3. we won't see what kind of sinister scheme the mummy had planned to use the plague bottle for, as she had given her word that it wouldn't be used on "this world".
4. an 8 int barbarian with an incredibly dangerous bottle of genocidal plague, and noone knows she carries it.
5. me, definately abusing this DM's system in the future to convince bandit leaders that I am infact them and they are potato.

>>30316738
Man, most people seriously do not know of the fact that there's one right way to play a caster til they come to /tg/.

>>30316687
The stated reason why there are rotting zombies is usually "the great difficulty of obtaining fresh corpses," and ghouls may very well produce new semen.

>>30316916
Makes me wonder: If you keep a zombie well-fed, does it regenerate wounds like a living creature would?
Could you in that way disguise your zombie and send it to mingle within the masses?

>>30316481
4chan.org/d/
Go to the catalogue and then ctrl+f "shortstack".

>>30317051
You just killed the thread

>>30317051
There isn't one.

>>30317537
>>30317708
They went to find the short stack thread, and stayed there for everything else...

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>>30296982

>>30294398
Reminds me of this one time with a dragonborn barbarian I had the pleasure of DMing for
>group makes it into town after a gruelling escape from bandit captivity and dangerous forest inbetween
>got some wolf pelts they sold for a pretty big sum
>in town, 2 of them go to the alchemists shop, barbarian goes to the weapons shop and buys some throwing axes
>the 2 convince the alchemist to reduce his prices through actual diplomacy and accompanying roll
>barbarian joins them in time to see this discount happen
>wants potion
>without picking anything to buy, utters "I WANT DISCOUNT"
>shopkeep confused, "on what?"
>dragonborn barbarian turns to her only social skill: intimidate
>in addition to using intimidate she also breathes lightning
>Place almost catches fire, a potion explodes and guards are called in
>party has to pool all of their recently found gold and pelt-winnings to bail her out of jail

And then they could finally start on the side-quest to ressurect the player who died in the forest.

Bumping for MOAR pokemon shenanigans.

>>30298150
Can do.

>party clears out heretic base
>its on a hive and things were exploding
>enforcers swarm the place as well as some official looking people
>the person leading the enforcers walks up to the party
>tells them they did a good job and that his team has everything from here
>the guardsmen doesn't like that this guy isn't telling the party who is boss and yells at him to identify himself
>guardsmen draws a bolt pistol and points it almost point blank at the boss man
>the leader of the enforcers ( the Inquisitor) gives the guardsmen an "Are you fucking serious?" look
>despite the fact that this guy is leading the enforcers and that this guy is decked out as an inquisitor, the guardsmen continues to demand the inquisitor to identify himself
>Guardsmen shoots the inquisitor
>all the enforcers turn on the party
>while the party wasn't killed (all the fate points) we stopped playing after that.

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>>30320280
>Party confronts Giovanni for the first time
>He's done some shit
>like almost let the bull of heaven destroy Kanto kind of shit
>Party consists of heroes of justice and "quit fucking with our shit" types
>they ask him to explain himself
>He talks about his goals and ambitions
>Throughout the monologue I sneak in the ENTIRE team rocket motto from the 90s anime
>my player's faces when they notice

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>Start a level 1 campaign in a world where dragons used to be demigods that ruled before being wiped out by the true king
>Party consists of a gunslinger paladin, a ramen chef ronin samurai, a zealot cleric, a dick of a desert prince, a fucking draconic blue kobold, a wandering katana warrior, and a rogue map salesman that no one is aware is a rogue.
>Party gets sent out into the woods by a guard captain to investigate missing patrols
>Group is vaguely aware of the last areas the patrols were seen, begins investigating a few marked locations
>Arrives at a river where the see two black bears trying to catch fish
>the fucking cleric rush up to one of them does a handle animal check
>nat 20's
>Wanderer pulls out his katana and tries smack the shit out of a bear and misses horribly while his party debates running away and leaving him as bears begin to encircle them
>Samurai jack the ramen chef runs up and tries to help his friend take down the bear by using a surprise quickdraw attack with a wooden rice spoon he keeps on his belt
>Nat 1's, smacks his friend in the face for a full 11 damage WITH A FUCKING RICE SPOON and breaks his nose.
>All the while the cleric fucked off to play with her bear friend as more bears come to fuck up the party, eventually they all run away and accomplish absolutely nothing other than pissing off some bears

This isn't even the best part of the session, either.

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Well, in a game of Deathwatch having the Wolf Scout jump from our Land Speeder onto the back of Doomrider's bike to swordfight the guy on top of his bike was pretty bizarre. Fucking awesome, but bizarre.

Good lord this thread lives!

Were there any tales of which I spoke that /tg/ wishes to know?

>>30315762
It is not!

>>30322503
all of them.

>>30293207
Gate to where? I could imagine a really surprised Glabrezu when a dick comes ramming into his morning cereal.

>>30322503
ALL THE STORIES
You make me want to sing/yell "I RIDE AROUND ON THE BACK OF A CHARIZARD" as I do that in a Pokemon campaign.
I've never wanted to play a Pokemon campaign before in my life.

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>>30322684
this. it's like this thing that I absolutely need in my life that I never knew existed and now that I know it exists I've found this hole in my soul that's perfectly shaped like a pokemon campaign.

>>30322714
>>30322684
A warning: even with a small party of three, Combat in pokemon can get a little sluggish. And its a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS to DM (the Game I ran barely got past the mt. Moon boss fight with a Rotom animating a Backloader before I gave up trying to manage the campaign)

ALRIGHT CHILDREN LET ME TELL YOU THE TALE OF VINCENT, THE VENDING MACHINE.

This was in a Godlike campaign, and if anyone knows that system you know you're in for some shit. After I ended our last godlike game by erasing the villain from causality (by stabbing him in the face) and destroying spain, the DM wrote up a post-apocalyptic game in a setting RULED by robots, telling us we had to build mechanical characters. She then informed us that the campaign would be "literally Megaman".

And so our party was formed of the Brave Little Toaster, Flipsy the wind-up dog that does backflips (and has Wi-Fi), Mr. Zurkon wielding a death-ray, and my creation, Vincent the Vending Machine.

Opposing us, on the Boss Selection Screen I had the privelage to draw, were Kindling Man, Dance Woman, Wall Man, Mind-Bullets Man, Phase Woman, Clockwork Man, Boat Man, and Metal Werewolf Man.

>>30322758
Vincent himself had an ABRITRARILY HIGH Body stat, in exchange for being laughable in every other stat (up to and including a 0 Perception, making him Blind and Deaf), but granting him immense physical strength and a 3-digit HP total at level 1. Also maximum ranks in the "Sumo Wrestling" skill. His talent was "Vend", and here's how it worked: I would declare what I WANTED, and rolled a Vend check. How well I did on the check was how USEFUL the resulting item was for what I wanted it for. Critical Failures were a hell of a drug. (At one point I attempted to Vend something to "live through falling into this pit of magma". The resulting crit-fail caused me to vend a box of puppies, to make it that much sadder when I hit the magma.) We discussed which of our foes we would attack first and it was decided that we would assault the lumber mill stronghold of KINDLING MAN, who had the power to be REALLY FLAMMABLE.

>>30322875
how big was a 3 digit hp compared to the enemies you were fighting? and how did your party get around you being blind and deaf? tapped on your glass?

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>>30322875
>>30322758
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFCDMsaYaNc

>>30294958
>>30295321
Someone stitch these two together in a screencap, it's just too funny.

>>30322875
Throughout our battles with Kindling Man's forces I consistently kept vending gratuitous amounts of Paper Snakes (Want to vend a distraction? hundreds of paper snakes burst forth from your vending slot. Want to vend something to attack the enemy? hilariously low roll, hundreds of harmless paper snakes.) And so eventually resorted to just violently hurling my own bulk at foes. Conveniently, I appeared to be impervious to the myriad buzzsaw traps in the stage, and simply walked in front of the party while Flipsy guided me. Eventually we reached the BOSS-DOOR, and upon entering we were greeted by the mighty KINDLING MAN, who began monologuing. I attempt to shut him up, roll low, and hundreds more paper snakes BURST from my slot. The rest of the party engages our foe in battle, and I try one last Vend roll to destroy him before rolling up my robosleeves and joining the fray the old fasioned way. Critical Success. I vend a small black bos with a red button on it. Lacking limbs to press it with, I tip myself over and land on the button.

The thousands of paper snakes filling the entire stage (including the boss room) burst into flame simultaneously. It was a "light paper snakes on fire" button. Kindling Man ERUPTS into flame and begins screaming, while over the walls of the boss room we can see that the entire LUMBER MILL we were in was... not responding well to the large influx of fire. After waiting several rounds for Kindling Man to die (I eventually tackled him because he just kept running around, screaming), we acquired his power and voted on who to give it to. For heroically burning down the entire stage, 'twas decided that Vincent should recieve it. See how it worked was that upon defeating a Robot Master, one of us got a new psuedo-talent with limited ammo (that recharged every stage). And so I got a 3-shot ability to make targets for more flammable than normal. Thus began my ascension.

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>>30322758
>>30322875
>>30322946
>Campaign is literally Mega Man

I'm a huge sucker for the classic Mega Man games, so I say FUCK YES with conviction to this.

>>30322906
Our recurring "mook" was a powerful, advanced combat robot FAR moreso than us (we were all highly outdated, unearthed in a digsite by the local robot spider villagers hoping us to be the chosen ones to overthrow the evil Doctor Warbington), and had on average about 90 HP, a defensive forcefield, and were capable of dealing 60 damage on a lucky shot of their dual plasma cannons. Flipsy had 10 HP, Mr Zurkon had 70, and I had 720. Mr Zurkon and I worked out a fabulous one-two-punch to defeat them in which he would knock out their shield with a single shot and I would ram them like a goddmaned freight train. And Flipsy used her advanced Wi-Fi network to upload maps of the area and camera footage to me so I could stumble around with something resembling direction.

Anyway, Lets' see, who did we fight next......That's right, BOAT MAN, who had the power to COMMAND A LEGION OF THE UNDEAD. ...Also he was a 400 meter long airship. Anyway. Using a large trampoline i had vended, and a small hot-air-balloon built by the robot spider villagers, we boarded Boat Man and got on his deck, where we did battle with a tremendous horde of a 100 skeletons. As the battle raged Flipsy hacked into Boat Man's security systems and downloaded a map, uploading it to the party. We promptly discovered the location of the Reactor Room, and that Boat Man was powered by a LARGE, LAAAARGE nuclear reactor. I wordlessly charged to the nearest door below deck, and as they interpreted my goals the party exchanged worried looks and Mr. Zurkon broke the silence with a quiet "I think we should go".

As the party searched desperately for Lifeboats while battling skeletons, I charged through the flimsy constructs of bone and found Boat Man's reactor. Using my LIMITLESS KNOWLEDGE OF SCIENCE (and the conenction to the ship's cameras Flipsy gave me so I could see, I used the three shots of Kindling Man's Power to make things outrageously flammable. I USED THESE SHOTS...

>>30323057
on a nearby bucket (and mop) of clear liquid (which I later learned to be fleaning fluid), the Reactor's primary control rod, and the Nuclear Reaction itself. I then turned to the DM and said "I vend fire."
I vended a zippo lighter. Which, failing to activate with my small stumpy vending machine legs, I simply tipped over and crushed in an attempt to create a spark. As the party flew away on their stolen lifeboat, they turned and witnessed Boat Man briefly become a small star. As the nuclear reaction caught fire, the control rod overheated and caught fire, and the explosion knocked the bucker over, sending flaming mop-fluid all throughout the reactor room into all the wiring and such. What happened next was a moment of absolute beauty.

The resulting supernova failed to actually KILL Boat Man, though it did completely annihilate his engines and he began plumetting to the ground. Simultaneously, I used my last remaining Fate Points (I can't remember the Godlike system's name for them) to boost my Body and HP as HIGH AS I POSSIBLY COULD, in an attempt to survive point-blank nuclear annihilation. The DM then rolls a few dice to see WHERE the screaming ball of Nuclear fire that was Boat Man lands... and promptly buries her face in her hands and informs us that it plummets to earth and... lands on Mind-Bullets Man's stage, obliterating it in an atomic holocaust. She then asks ME to roll luck to see where I land, as I had successfully lived through the three thousand damage I took with 5 HP remaining. I then rolled a Critical Success.

Having lived through the destruction of his fortress, Mind-Bullets Man steps outside his Boss Chamber to examine the commotion, and is promptly crushed to death by an irradiated vending machine moving at terminal velocity,

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>>30323148
>>30323057

>>30293786
Oh god damn, this. This right fucking here.

One guy I game with has this massive erect beefstick for fucking Knowledge-check abuse. He will base entire character concepts off getting to take 20's as full-rounds and having an absurd modifier(record right now is like, 1d20+ a fucking 35 around roughly lvl.12) for EVERY knowledge to use it as an excuse to go look up the monsters online and metagame like a fucking assclown while he full-caster abuses them or spams an archtype feature to trivialize situations. I hate the knowledge-check so fucking much. I really wish it had never been a fucking thing that was given perks beyond fluff and "I'm stuck, please give hint DM".

The best part though is when he'd just automatically assume something when he did the checks and ignores anything I tell him of importance in relation to it. He was fucking autismo mad when the troll had massive DR and fire/acid didn't offset a buffed regeneration while I told him "You fucking know this ain't your average troll he seems oddly resistant to the normal means of troll-slaughter." or when I had the party search a room for a hidden room to get to some extra treasure. The fucking autist thought his obnoxiously retard high Knowledge: Dungeoneering could replace the perception to find and push the button to open the false-wall.

>>30323148
The ability to summon the dead was claimed by Mr Zurkon, while the Mind-Bullets were claimed by the Brave Little Toaster, and we sallied forth. I used my hoarded EXP to buy a third die on all further Vend attempts (and, horrified, we speculate on what would happen if I rolled THREE 10s, as 2 10s was near deus ex machina levels of Get Fucked) Phase Woman, our next target, proved to have a stage consisting of "y'know that hallway in Heatman's stage with the lava floor and the only safety is disappearing blocks? Eight of that hallway." Course this was after the guardian of her stage, a gigantic nuclear-powered bee that shot missiles, and I had to spend a shot of my kindling power to kill. Anyway. This was the dungeon that involved a near TPK as we fell into the lava, because Disappearing Blocks are assholes. Flipsy saved us by hacking into the main control network of the blocks and taking them for herself, allowing us to materialize them wherever we felt like. Of course we came to the OBVIOUS conclusion, and used them to create a giant, teleporting cube-mecha, with Vincent forming the head, and Zurkon and the Toaster as the respective hands. Apparently Phase woman decided "fuck that" and so her Boss Chamber was an elevator to the surface, where she was waiting in a humongous mecha to do battle with us. I use my two remaining kindling shots during the resulting mecha fight... one on Phase Woman herself... and one on her robot's codpiece. The Brave Little Toaster and I then enact out finishing move. He used his Bravery talent to its fullest, and rolled a might roll of his Toasting skill. My cube-mecha's body no wielding a glorious, red-hot hand of justice, I told the toaster to grit his teeth, and punched the enemy robot in the nuts as hard as I could.

Red-hot Toasting science impacted the bekindled crotch and the mecha's entire pelvis erupted into fire.

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>>30323293

>>30323293
I spent a newly acquired fate point to continue this maneuver, and used my giant cube bogy to GRAPPLE the mecha. Hoisting it above my head with my glorious cheating strength (thanks Flipsy, thanks disappearing block mecha), and hold in it such a way that with a final act of defiance, I am able to Suplex Phase Woman's robotic guardian onto Phase Woman herself. Crotch-first.

The burning crotch ignites the kindling set on phase woman herself, and she is simultaneously crushed and burned to death, while the strength of my suplex sends her mecha THROUGH the ground, destroying the elevator shafter down to the magma caverns and destroying what little structure remained down there. And that's how the Brave Little Toaster got the power to phase through walls and I burned down the first four stages of the campaign. Don't worry, that trend continues.

Our next target: Wall Man. His stage was the factory responsible for all the asshole robot minions we had to fight. Highlights included vending crude oil all over the assembly line, Flipsy hacking an attack helicopter and playing Ride of the Valkyries over the factory speakers, and the Brave Little Toaster successfully Dimplomacying HAL 9000. And then Wall Man himself arrived. By which I mean WE arrived, because he was, well, a Wall.

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>>30323343
I won't believe this can get crazier.

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>>30322758
>>30322875
>>30322946
>>30323057
>>30323148
>>30323293
>>30323343
You are a god amongst men.

Pray sir, after this story is told would you kindly regale use with the following tales you mentioned up thread.
>Playing as one of Tartarus' lawyers, here to audit the party.
and
>Granting the Party Cavalier the great blessing of the Gravity Worm

If it is not too much to ask, of course.

>>30323315
I dont even know what half of these reaction images MEAN anymore

>>30323343
Wall Man was the far-wall of the factory's main ware-house, and COVERED WITH GUNS. Given that we had destroyed basically the entire Factory by this point out of spite, we just kind of tipped him over and left. Flipsy scored us a hijacked airship and we stole the factory's secret prototype, some kinda robot that shot lemons I dont remember. However, tipped-over was RIGHT WHERE WALL MAN WANTED TO BE, and now his guns were pointed up at us! Furthermore, he revealed his secret technique; he had rockets on the other side, and used them to produce lift, flying towards us. Unprepared for an enemy with such bulk and firepower (and invincibility; his power was kind of being immune to damage), all seemed lost. But fret not, said the Toaster, for he had concocted a plan to utilize ALL of the party's strengths. By which I mean Mine and Flipsy's because Zurkon spent most sessions wondering what the actual FUCK was going on. Flipsy used the lemon-bot as a sacrificial lamb, having it dive in the way of one of Wall Man's missiles, and ejecting Vincent and the Toaster from the helicopter. the Toaster hold me to brace myself. And so, did I vend. And so, did I fend with the expressed desire to BREAK SHIT. And so, 4 sessions after acquiring my 3rd vending die, did I roll my 3 tens.

What came out of Vincent's vending slot was a Lucha Libre mask. One that somehow attached itself to his frame mid-fall. The DM put on heavy metal mariachi music, and told me that I could FEEL power coursing through me, and a cape billowed forth from the base of the mask. Our fall reached its climax, and a split second before we reached our foe... the Toaster activated Phase Woman's power, and phased Vincent inside Wall Man's body.

And lo, did I BREAK SHIT. using the masks's phenomenal wrestling power, I wrestled Wall Man from the inside out, as his invulnerability only applied to his outside.

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>>30323453

>>30323453
SO thoroughly did I wreck his shit that I folded Wall Man into an enormous, burning Paper Crane, which, when I was done, I Chest-Bursted out of. Angling the explosion of the mask's power as best I could as its final swan song, I attempted to ride the explosion back to the safety of the helicopter, while the Crane-shaped Wall Man was propelled in the opposite direction, crashing into one of the post-apocalyptic world's last human settlements and destroying it utterly. Airborned, I attempted another Vending check to do nothing more than look cool. And I proceeded to roll three 9's.

The DM announced that I proceeded to vend a cluster of dozens of Land Mines, armed, midair. As they fell from my slot, I then Vending seven Tigers, each of whom lept to a nearby land mine, detonating it midair and leaping from the explosion to the next airborne land mine. As I was framed by seven tigers using airborne land mines and stepping stones in the sky, the explosions increased my speed and carried me to the waiting helicopter on literal wings of flame, as my billowing cape burned away.

>>30323496

THAT MOVIE WITH VAN DAMME AND THE EXPLODING TIGER COLOSSEUM

>>30323496
Satisfied at our efforts, and Vincent requesting Wall Man's invulnerability power for himself. We took a break back at the Spider Village to rest. WHICH WAS ATTACKED BY DANCE WOMAN THE FIEND. Much property damage and some vended Dubstep later, only two robot masters (and stages for me to maliciously destroy) remained.

Our chosen foe was Clockwork Man; we were informed that his stage was a tremendous clock tower, that was required to re-charge his antiquated technology (apparently he could just pay somebody to wind him up. Nope. Had to be this tower.) Now, I've played castlevania. More to the point, the DM's played castlevania. You could not pay me to climb this fucking clock tower. So, first, I vended a Trampoline to attempt to propel myself to to top floor. This failed. So I threw a brick through the window, out of petty spite. At our conundrum, Mr Zurkon had the first good idea he'd had all campaign, and suggested we simply cover the base of the tower with C4. And so we did. I stepped inside long enough to fire all three shots of kindling man's power up into the bowels of the clock tower, and then ran as the others coated the tower's foundation in heavy explosives.

One detonation and one ruined stage later, we collectively high fived at another trivialized Robot Master. Then Clockwork Man walked up behind us.

He had, in his hands, a paper bag full of groceries, and a Starbucks cup. Clockwork Man was 15 minutes late to his own boss fight with Starbucks. And there he stood, dumbstruck at what we had done to his home.

So we left. Fuck, he can't hurt as anymore; he'll wind down eventually and won't have a way to turn the key. fuck that guy.

AND SO WE LEFT TO METAL WEREWOLF MAN'S STAGE, which was a tremendous stone Colosseum. Devoid of enemies. The Boss Door was 10 feet from the stage entrance.

And so we entered, greeted with an empty arena. And by empty I mean "lined with tesla cannons pointed inwardly, with an elevator shaft in the middle".

>>30323496
you sir, are a god amongst men.

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>>30323592

>>30323592
This is probably the most entertaining thing I've ever read.

>>30323592
From this elevator rose a ten foot tall lupine form made entirely out of blades and what I can only assume was hatred for all that lived. What ensued was a FAR more climactic battle than we had expected, largely because this was the first Robot Master that could take a goddamn punch, built to be a physical bruiser. We ended up on the ropes, as even Vincent's tremendous HP pool was nothing to the claws of a robot that was also a werewolf with knives for fur.

And then the Brave Little Toaster used Phase Woman's power on Metal Werewolf Man as he lunged at me, and he phased into my Vending compartment, which we had assumed to be some sort of nth-dimensional space that held anything and everything, and was infinite in scale.

So uh, good work team. Nice hustle. what's that DM? fuck NO we're not letting him out, we don't CARE if we didn't get his fucking power. He's a goddamned robot werewolf. Flipsy, satisfied at the fact that all of us were alive and LARGELY intact, went over to the aformentioned tesla cannons and hacked into those too. She then overloaded them, and changed their firing angle. The resulting blast of lighting was so powerful that it incinerated Metal Werewolf Man's arena... and she had actually AIMED it a few miles south... at where Clockwork Man was standing. We kind of heard a little "ding!" and she suddenly got clock powers. Yaaaay. And so that's how ALL EIGHT ROBOT MASTERS and ALL EIGHT OF THEIR GODDAMNED STAGES fell by our hands. We started to attack Doctor Warbington's Femur Fortress, but, uh, 10 minutes into that dungeon we armed Vincent with a cannon that shot nuclear reactors and we all kind of agreed there really wasnt anything he could have that would stand in our way and that campaign ended. And then we all played Super Smash Bros.

THE END.

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>>30323653

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>>30323653
>DM's face when

>>30323653

please read
>>30323414

>>30304460
How does a level 4 Avenger in 4E deal 248 damage in one turn? I'm really curious about that.

>>30323782
Critfishing, probably. Check out charop boards.

>>30323414
Ah, yes. Well, the Gravity Worm all started with "I am an absolute bastard when I design dungeons"; the Level 5 Party were exploring Smog Pillar, a dormant volcano with a complex network of tunnels underneath, to a) investigate what was mutating the local wildlife, b) incestigate what the Evil White Dragon Margaret was up to, and c) reclaim smog pillar as the ancestral homeland of the Goblins of Town the Goblin Town. at the end of all the traps, dangerous wildlife, fire, traps, Margaret's mercenaries, fire, and a boss fight with Margaret herself, the entire cavern network became unstable, and Margaret struck a truce with the party because she doesnt want to die. Their escape was complicated by the Titan Centipede, a creature from the lowest depths of the cavern that had been meandering around the bottom floor where the boss fight took place. As magma and shit went fucking everywhere, the Titan Centipede got understandably distressed and started rampaging, speeding up the destruction of the caves. Margaret betrayed the party and attempted to escape on her own, and while the Lawful good Cavalier chased after her, I rolled some randomization dice and well the cieling above him collapsed and the Titan Centipede (10 feet THICK on each body segment, several hundred feet LONG) kinda... fell on top of him. For 36 damage and instantly KOing him. It then thrashed around for a bit making the party's lives wonderful before it tunneled deeper into the caves to try to avoid the magma. After escaping and vowing to never enter smog pillar ever again the party ran into Chief Rockspeaker of Town, who claimed that Nicknack, his advisor has seen a column of red light from their ancestral home and that the stars were right. He and the Cavalier spoke on that subject for a bit and the Cavalier mentioned the great centipede falling on him (and gestured to his dented breastplate and broken ribcage).

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>>30323824
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore but I'm gonna keep posting images

>>30320451
Note to self: In current DH campaign, be suspicious of everyone, but give the official looking person benefit of the doubt until he back stabs party.

Got it.

Don't know how long that'll last in the Twilight City module though.

>>30320805
That must've been quite the monologue.

You wouldn't happen to have that speech written down, would you?

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>>30323824
Chief Rockspeaker examine this injury and proclaimed loudly "YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY THE GRAVITY WORM! THE GREAT WORM THAT COILS AROUND THE CENTER OF THE WORLD, CREATING GRAVITY!"

to which the Kobold replied "whut" to which the Summoner replied "well where ELSE would Gravity come from?"

Later the Kobold brought up the Cavalier's previous plan to use the Kobold as a false messiah, and without missing a beat the Cavalier quipped "I don't have to ride THAT coattail anymore, I'VE been blessed by the GRAVITY WORM."

As for the lawyer one, er, well... Pic Related. See, I got pulled into a game last-minute at a friend's request, with no time to prepare a character or anything, and my friend told me "fuck man I dunno just pick a Touhou at random"

So I did. And I joined the in-progress Evil party as Komachi. I talked to the DM and we decided that I'm a ferryman of the Styx here at the request of my boss to audit the party, because they're killing too much shit too indiscriminately and causing too much FUCKING paperwork. So my job was to follow them around and whenever it looked like they were going to go on another murder spree, send my boss fair warning and keep a detailed list of everything they killed. (I had a magic ring that summoned a pneumatic tube to tartarus to send my boss paperwork). Other than that I spent most of the campaign sitting down and drinking whenever fights started, and negotiating terms of ferrying with the party when they eventually died (the Dwarf kept trying to bribe me to arrange maximum comfort but minimum speed, so we would meander across the styx in a yacht. But my prices were a bit steep for that one.) I followed them around and became drinking buddies with the halfling, though the final straw for me was when they sided with an ancient black dragon, became its lackies, and agreed to help it carve out an eternal kingdom of suffering and misery. That's the point where I request a transfer.

>>30320956
Go on...

>>30322503
I believe I asked for resisting arrest and jumping out a hotel window to evade Officer Jenny last night.

>>30323804
Yeah, but at 4th level? Crit's ain't that impressive in 4E, I wish I could see the math about that round.
That being said, it's a fun set of stories, that DM was an ass for messing with a player's backstory.

>>30323920
Sadly that one's more of an anecdote than anything, but it involves the same bloodthirsty archeologist who consulted helix fossil, broke misty's nose, and killed Oak's pony

We were in... Viridian, I think, when due to our close connection with Team Rocke-THE VIRIDIAN RANGERS, A LAW ABIDING ORGANIZATION, a few Officer Jennys arrived at our hotel room and had a few questions for us.

I did, of course, the most sensible thing, and shouted "I'LL DISTRACT THEM RUN WHILE YOU CAAAAN", grabbed my Dwebble, and LEPT from the third floor hotel room, making several good rolls to not break my legs, and ran for it. Cue several Jenny's pursuing me, while I tried to hive myself covering fire with Dwebble's rock blast while the Jennys responded with actual bullets from their sidearms. So that was fun. And, er, ended with the party psychic apologizing on my behalf as several burly jennys restrained me and dragged me along to the station.

>>30323782
>>30323804
>>30323942
Every magic item I had gave an extra 1d12 damage on a crit, and I had the Helm of Seven Deaths which let me make 4 Dice roll their maximum value oncer per day. I ran up, hit the boss with my daily, and used that one bullshit divine power that lets you roll as if you had crit, and then used the crown to get as much damage as possible. Then I used an action point, hit him with my OTHER daily, and got an ACTUAL crit (because as an Elven Avenger I get to roll several d20s to hit and choose one)

MinMaximus was admittedly a while ago, and I dont have his character sheet. If I did I could give you more exact methods.

>>30323979
Keep being wonderful.
Also, you have to keep that name whenever you share more of your antics.

>>30323979
Sweet! Thanks for coming back to explain it bro. Tbh the reason I was so curious was 'cause I used to play a Barbarian with an executioner's axe, hearing it mentioned brought back the memories. God-damn I loved that weapon.
I actually tried to get the Helm of Seven Deaths too, it's such an awesome item. Unfortunately my DM wasn't up for it, felt it didn't go with the style of my character.
Any other stories about playing that character? You've got my nostalgia pumping and from your item choices you're clearly a fellow of taste and distinction.

>>30324010
I actually debated this name; I used to be Sir Scribe a couple years ago when I prowled around /tg/ and founded the (good) Zelda Tabletop project; and before THAT I was just a nameless drawfag.

>>30324020
did i hear the words drawfag?

have you

have you drawn some of your adventures

>>30324013
MinMaximus was only ever in those two sessions, sadly; one non-combat and then that Boss Fight session. I make a point to not really play any of my gratuitiously minmaxed builds (like the level 7 Pathfinder Evocation Wizard whose fireball deals 160+ damage of any energy type he feels like with a DC 21 save)

>>30324037
Ah well, brightest candles burning quickest and all that.
And good for you, I figure there's nothing wrong with min-maxing as long as you know there's a time and place for it.

>playing Dark Heresy
>party is a psyker, an arbitrator, and a skitarii guardsman, along with an NPC arbitrator taken from the local law enforcement to aid in the arrest
>they've come to a penthouse owned by a crime boss who's faction they've been waging a war against
>they hoofed it up the stairs and are standing by the door to the stairwell just before entering the actual penthouse, in a small lobby. Two sentries are on guard outside
>instead of just shooting them, they come up with this plan: the psyker uses project image to fake that he's a spooky ghost chasing the arbitrator who pretends to be part of the gang, thus scaring the sentries and allowing the arbitrator to walk up and punch them out with his takedown talent
>mfw they roll amazingly and it works, and I'm laughing too much to do anything but just go along with it

First time I tried DMing in a 3.0, when I was 13-14. A pre-bought module, I don't even remember what the fuck it was.

>The party makes camp in a safe spot of the dungeon
>The cleric of Pelor and a paladin return to the city to get some stuff
>The shopkeeper is a sassy woman who denies them any discounts
>So they knock her out
>And rape her
>And burn down the shop
>The sun itself burns them for being a fucking disgrace for its' church

And then I didn't play any tabletop until I turned 17 and found /tg/.

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>>30324028
I have, but regrettably nearly all of it is on physical paper. I have hardly any tabletop-related artwork on this harddrive, but here's Gawain using his +20 Bluff to convince the party that he has more IMPORTANT things to fight than some giant eel.

(though I have been meaning to draw my 19 year old cleric reminding the party that they shouldnt kill anyone and then IMMEDIATELY accidentally turning one of the Grey Maidens of Korvosa inside-out)

>>30323955
Huh, I was expecting some dominatrix shit after the rest of these.

>>30297709
Not to put a damper on your rules lawyering.

But the terms of the fight itself deemed that the players were combatants and had to be knocked into the water. This invalidates that ruleset, as Misty was actively touching the Gyarados. And while she didn't pick up or use him offensively, as a combatant she is allowed to be in contact with the Pokemon.

I'm sorry if that spoils your fun, but that is the way it is.

Has this thread been archived?
Because it needs to be.
Otherwise, we need MOAR storycapping.

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>Players investigating murders
>Quickly realize scelesti are behind it
>One of them has a big sword
>They approach them on a field and attempt to talk to them
>Almost TPK

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>>30293786
>GM rolls knowledge checks and the likes himself and behind the screen.

My party was beautiful but sadly just a tad dented.

> Make English Island for Mutants and Masterminds.
> High on magic, low on heroes.
> I inform players to make basic back stories and they agreed they were heroes.
> Player 1: Fiancé - Sorceroress, magical owl minion, basic magic array and a small base. Local protector of town.
> Player 2: Fem-Friend - Fire aspect, living embodiment of Xuihcoatl, high damage, utter glass cannon. Small town girl who received an amulet imbuing her with the spirit.
> Player 3: The Writer: Forcefield user, high defense and solid strength. Backstory is ex cultist, killed lots of people to hide his identity, on the run, trying to wipe out similar cults.
> P1 and P2 were new, but P3 was experienced, I received a 4 page document from P3 and a paragraph from P1 and P2.

Some time later.

> After tracking down a bunch of demonic hosts in gangster bodies, they chase him into a nearby mire.
> I introduce the spiritual protector of the land, otherwise known as the Anchor.
> I previously gave them rumours about the Anchor and how he weighed down the wicked with their sins.
> Crime boss is seen ahead trying to fight off chains.
> P3 almost craps himself and ditches his party.
> P3 ran away from my trap for him.
> P1 and P2 watched the crime boss get murdered.

It's okay, I got P3 in his dreams. He woke up with an anchor tattoo on his arm, he suddenly stopped killing people.

I think I've told this story before, but, hell, it's worth telling again.

>be playing 3.5
>Party has to defend town from goblin raid, just generic shit
>Except the goblins have a dire badger chained up as a siege animal
>Rogue and Dorf fighter are at southern gate fighting off goblins, when suddenly badger from below
>Rogue, for some fucking reason, decides to throw a rock at the goblin beastmaster on the badger's back
>nat20
>Now, an unreined dire badger is chasing these fuckers
>They run full-fucking-tilt from south gate to west gate of city
>At some point, the badger dug underground, so they can't see it anymore
>Using some number-fudging and a little bit of DM fiat, players go on wholesale goblin murder spree using a D30 I had laying around
>SUDDENLY BADGER FROM BENEATH
>Rogue makes his evasion roll. Dwarf does not
>"Okay, roll for dam--"
>"I roll to Jump."
>What the hell, I'll let him try
>nat16+6
>Oh yeah, forgot about that +6 to jump.
>"Okay, now what?"
>"I roll to Handle Animal"
>Oh dear christ he's actually going to try this
>Decide why the fuck not, session's almost over, we're going balls-to-the-wall
>nat18+4
>Well, this was meant to be the big threat, so I'm not going to just LET him have this. He's gotta WORK for it.
>"Roll to grapple"
>nat14+3, dice are tied with badger
>nat15+3, DICE TIED AGAIN
>Tell player if he doesn't make this next roll, he'll begin taking damage.
>Roll for badger.
>nat19
>Player rolls
>NATURAL FUCKING TWENTY+3

We ended the session there.

>>30291979

were they using magic or booze on these bandits?

>>30324435
Glorious to the max.