>>30531003
Interrupting the Blorp!

>>30531003
-----------------------------------------------
Ogir Place - Flying Golem Oasis
Flight, Weapons, Structure broken!
EQUIP - Sandstorm Drill (broken), Magma Shield (broken)
-----------------------------------------------
Population: ???/??? ogres (6 dead), 90/90 elves, ∞/∞ patchwings, 50/50 Solar Skellies
- [Landmarks] Oasis, Daphnaia, Underground Cave/Quarry [50% mined]
- [Food] Cacti(-ow), Fungi, Wheat, Potatoes, Ravager Meat, Milk; Fair Growth (+32/turn)
- [Resources] Sandstone, Iron+Chromite Ores, Featherstone, Aquifer Pebbles, Bones [Ogir Fist]
- [Diplomacy] Scaratone [ALLIED; Featherstone Carts, Fungi, Paper]; Felpowder Elves [UNITED]; Cheevo Hunter Dwarves [???]

- [Key Items] Tomes (Dragon Lore, Illusory Magic I, Necromancy I), Crazy Ghost's Books
- [Arms] Cactus Maces, Iron Scimitars, Heat-Seeking Rokkit Launchers, Short-Ranged Bow+Arrow, Crude Iron Armor, Demon Helm/Shoulderpads; Ur-Camouflage
- [Vocations] OGRES: Geo (∞), Berserks, BMasters, Rockkits, Riders, Heallusionist
- [Beasts] Giant Bats (trained), Naked Mole Ravagers (trained)
- [Settlement] Ruined Rock Shanties, Broken Storehouse, Mud Farms, Anchor/Stairs, SOGGY HELL ASHES

- [Named Ogres] Boss Bawss Fistboss [+30 Diplomacy], Geomancer Gubbins [+30 Geomancy to All, +Ruoumoko, +Time], Beastkrumpa Squiggles Irwin [+Beast Whisperer, Big Vulture]
- [Allied VIPs] Celicia Silverstone, Gunston Lockstock, Vultan
- [Tech] Fire, Fish, Farm[+Protection+Fertilizer], Cooking, Tea, Mine, Smelt/Forge, Write/Read, Hats, FStone Flight, FStone Airdrops, Airships, Ur-Cartography
- [Magic] Geomancy X, Heallusion I, Necromancy I, Time I, Climate Control 0
- [Economy] System=Barter; Currency=Shit
- [Justice] Krumpin' Duels / Boss Knows Best
-----------------------------------------------

ROLLS
>Any Doubles: STUPID LUCKY
>100: SO BRILLIANT IT'S STUPID
>90-98: Stupidly Successful
>60-90: Successful
>40-60: So-So
>10-40: Kind Of A Problem
>2-10: SO STUPID THAT IT'S BRILLIANT
>1: LUCKY STUPID

(Cont.)

>>30531048
>Halfway through a turn...
>[X] [SPHERE] Examine Oiwotsmilk's sphere. It's certainly a nice gift, innit?
>[X] [CALL] Try calling out to anyone else!

As the surrounding universe returns to its calmer, not-fiery ambiance, Gubbins glances down at the sphere in his hands, a parting gift from the great god-phoenix Oiwotsmilk.

Cracked and leathery, veins of pulsing-red lava visible all along its blackened surface, the sphere resembles nothing more than some big toasted marshmallow that had just finished catching on fire. By all rights, it should be burning a hole through the short ogre's leathery hands right now, but Gubbins doesn't feel much other than a pervading warmth- and the ever-present scent of magic from this thing, inert as it is.

... maybe he could eat it? That way, he'll know if it's edible or not. Or he could pump it full of magic to see what happens, which is ALWAYS a sensible idea that couldn't ever lead to anything bad happening.

Gubbins shoves that thought aside for now, because he's got more pressing matters to worry about! The ogre stows the egg into his inventory before taking a deep breath- and then belting out his question at the top of his lungs.

"OI! SO DOES ANYONE ELSE OUT HERE KNOW WOT MILK IS, OR NOT?"

(Cont.)

>>30531075
His words barely have time to begin echoing through the cosmos before he senses a presence trundling up behind him. Gubbins blinks as another nondescript ogre approaches him, finding absolutely nothing strange about the presence of an ogre in the cold reaches of space, eons before the development of any sentient life. Because really, it stands to reason, don't it? Everytime you get an ogre, there's never another one far behind.

"Sorry, boss," the new arrival says apologetically, scratching his head in confusion. "Just got here myself."

Gubbins sighs. "Dang. No dice, huh?"

"Nope. Can I go now, boss? I'm hungry."

Gubbins shrugs and waves him away. The other ogre promptly starts walking through space, moving inexorably toward the nearest inhabitable planet in the galaxy, never to be seen again until some millions of years later. But that's a story for another time, and Gubbins doesn't have nearly enough patience to deal with that. He's an ogre on a mission!

[A] [BACK TO THE FUTURE!] Time to go to the dwarflands before the kobolds attack!
[B] [BACK TO THE FIGHT!] Time to go to the dwarflands while the kobolds are attacking!
[C] [BACK TO THE...] Time to go to the dwa- er, whoops.
[D] [WRITE-IN!] Call s'more? Play with the sphere? The choice is yours!

>>30531094
C

How is this even in question?

>>30531094
>C
Let's go get some help. A couple of Alternate Gubbins from Alternate Universes will make this job easier!

Rolled 99

>>30531094

Find someone who knows what Milk is. Or create Milk.

>>30531003
YES OGRES

>>30531094
>[A] [BACK TO THE FUTURE!] Time to go to the dwarflands before the kobolds attack!


Gubbins does listen to boss's orders eventually.

>>30531094
[A] [BACK TO THE FUTURE!] Time to go to the dwarflands before the kobolds attack!

We made a promised with the boss.

Also I like pising against the tide

>>30531219
>>30531220
But if we get Alternate Gubbins, this'll be done in X-a(b/c) amount of time!

Rolled 19

>>30531075

If Gubbins' doesn't know what milk is, then what the fuck have ogres been "milking" out of the ravagers?

Oh....

>>30531185
I hear Blorp laughing.

>>30531310
Blorp didn't ask for Super Lucky Time.

>>30531173
>>30531145
Or we could get Blorp from EVOquest

Rolled 120

>>30531185
>>30531275

>Gubbins' travels to the future to asks his future self OI WOTS MILK
>Future Gubbins doesn't know
>both scratch their gizzards and create "Milk".
>it imbibes the drinker with Ogre luck
>panic

AL...RIGHT, looks like we need a tiebreaker between both forms of time dickery!

1 - Warp to before the dwarves were attacked!
2 - Warp to OOOH SHIIIIIII-

>>30531486
2

>>30531486
2

>>30531185
>>30531275
>>30531397

Sorry for samefagging, but those were rapid fire thoughts that shot through my brainymeats that I had to get down.

Back to lurking.

>>30531486
1

>>30531486
Seems like people haven't shown up yet.

>>30531486
1

>>30531608
Seems so! I'll give it about 10-15 minutes before deciding, then.

>>30531486
2

>>30531486
2

>>30531486
2

>>30531486
Blorp

>>30531486
1 and 2, at the same time.

I WANT TO TASTE YOUR TEARS, BLORP.

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>>30531486
Alright, looks like WARP TO OOHSHIIIIIIIT wins! TOO BAD, >>30531927

>***STUPID LUCKY TIME?***
ROLL d100! (dice+1d100 in the email field)

>>30531486
1

Rolled 37

>>30532019

Rolled 49

>>30532019

Rolled 63

>>30532019
STUPID LUCKY

Rolled 64

>>30532019
Hey, I tried. Plus I added it in too late.

Rolled 38

>>30532019

Rolled 23

>>30532019

>>30532059
63 isn't too bad! Writing-

Rolled 17

>>30532019
ONWARD

>>30532094
WHY ARE YOU NOT SOBBING YET

>>30532110
Because he got to ignore >>30531185.

Rolled 96

>>30532110
Bcause your tears are delicious

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>>30532110
YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

.... or i just didn't see >>30531185

fuck

>>30532169
Nah, it wasn't stupid lucky time when that was rolled, Blorp. Doesn't count.

Rolled 20

>>30532169
Blorp, it was a 1d200! Not a 1d100! You are still sane!

Rolled 33

>>30532203
And THAT was a 1d20. Wow.

Rolled 29

>>30532222
AND a double. What.

Blorp you're beautiful and should feel beautiful.

>>30532019
>>30531094
>[X] [BACK TO THE...]
>63 - Successful!

Right. Well, it's certainly not time to muck around. Boss Bawss Fistboss needs to know the location of the dwarflands so he can put it on The Map, therefore saving the dwarves from the clutches of the kobolds!

Gubbins takes one last look at the breathtakingly young cosmos around him before channeling his magic, his eyes glowing a bright golden yellow as he wrassles with time and reality. It's not long before he's able to grab one edge of the universe and pull downward, revealing a portal full of the stuff of chaos. Once he steps in, everything simply ceases to adhere to any rule of logic and/or physics, but the ogre simply swims through the nothingness until his hands find something to hold onto.

Magic is an imprecise art. Doubly so, when it's being cast in the most freeform and confusing manner possible. Gubbins steps out of his portal and is immediately assaulted not by the freezing air of the dwarven mountains or the muffled ambiance of the underground world-

Rather, there's the scent of kobolds.

The master geomancer quickly hides behind a nearby stalagmite and extends his senses outward. As far as he can tell, he's in some sort of cave, fairly close to the surface; this particular cave stands alone, not connecting to any dwarven tunnels or anything of the sort. There's the sound of dozens of claws skittering around him, and he can hear the sibilant, hissing murmurs of many kobolds as they discuss something among themselves.

[A] [STEALTH] Try to get closer for either a look or a listen. Maybe this could be important!
[B] [WARP] Nope nope nope IT'S TIME TO GO
[C] [AGGRESSIVE MAGIC] Geomancy's never failed Gubbins before, he may as well cause some confusion among these kobolds.
[D] [WRITE-IN!]

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AND ON THAT NOTE, back in 15 minutes! I think my toilet vomited all over my bathroom floor, because QMs can't have nice things.

>>30532652
>[C] [AGGRESSIVE MAGIC] Geomancy's never failed Gubbins before, he may as well cause some confusion among these kobolds.

Rolled 23

>>30532652

>OI DO ANY OF YOU KNOW WHAT MILK IS?

>>30532652
[A] [STEALTH] Try to get closer for either a look or a listen. Maybe this could be important!

BE VERY SNEAKY!

>>30532652
>[C] [AGGRESSIVE MAGIC] Geomancy's never failed Gubbins before, he may as well cause some confusion among these kobolds.

>>30532652
>C
Let's do this! Gubbins Guuuuuuuubbiiins!

>>30532693
>[D]yesyesyesyesyes
And
>[D] [PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAGIC] Geomancy's never failed Gubbins before, he may as well cause some confusion among these kobolds while trying to get closer for a look or a listen. Maybe this could be Important!

Rolled 16

>>30532793
This!

>>30532652
A SNEAKY
AND
D SNEAKY MAGIC BECOME STALAGTITE GUBBINS

Rolled 47

>>30532673

Oh hello, I derped and forgot this was running. Didn't miss much, it appears.

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ALRIGHT, looks like the winning choice this time is-

[D] [PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAGIC] Confuse the kobolds with geomancy while trying to get a listen! (Also, WOT'S MILK??)

>***STUPID LUCKY TIME?***
ROLL d100! (dice+1d100 in the email field)
>taking the best 1 out of 3!

Rolled 97

>>30533119

Rolled 20

>>30533119

Rolled 58

>>30533119

Rolled 40

>>30533119

Rolled 20

>>30533119
ROLL

Rolled 6

>>30533149
BRILLIANT!

>>30533152
>>30533171
Dubs

>>30533149
And a ninety.

Shits whack yo

Rolled 17

Well damn, I got distracted at the worst time.

>>Two of the same roll.

Oh bloooorrrrrrp~

>>30533149
hah ha Ogres

Rolled 80

>>30533149
My first roll in one of these threads and it's over a 90.

I'm so proud of myself.

>>30533149
>>30533119
We get +30 too.

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>>30533149
>>30533152
>>30533171
>and +30

WELL THEN

Rolled 48

>>30533202
We do?

>>30533202
THat's only Boss Bawss Fistboss.

Rolled 92

>>30533217

:D

>>30533222
Not with Geomancy~~~. That's Gubbinnnns~~~

>>30533229
HA!

Rolled 39

>>30533248
Oh. OH!!!

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>>30533217

Rolled 93

I would like to take this moment to remind everyone that in the unlikely event we get a sub-par roll we have a 'goddess of luck intervention' and can literally say 'fuck you dice it's Ogre time'.

Rolled 72

>>30533343
>>30533275
REVERSAL!

Rolled 47

>>30533402
I know nothing is said about those, but they're still cool.

Rolled 60

>>30533424

If you look closely, my 92 was a reversal of the last two digits of my (brain fart) post... number... thing.

Rolled 31

>>30533441
AHHH!!!!!!

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>>30532652
>>30533119
>[X] [PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MAGIC] Distract the kobolds with geomancy, then take a look and a listen!

Gubbins frowns. This is- yeah, this is totally important stuff, right here. The kobolds are most likely strategizing... stuff. Important stuff. World-conquering stuff! Stuff that Boss Bawss Fistboss needs to know, 'cause he's gonna help the dwarves not get krumped by the kobolds! And that means Gubbins can't hold back, not any longer.

About fifteen seconds later, one of the kobolds on guard duty pauses in his patrol, staring at one of the stalagmites near the cavern entrance. The reptilian humanoid immediately tenses up as he sees movement, his tailing lashing once, twice as he reaches for his combat knife. The unspoken signal alerts his squadmate, and they both sneak over to the disturbance.

Immediately, the stalagmite, age-old rock formed by mineral deposits over impossibly long periods of time, suddenly becomes as fluid as putty, morphing as if molded by some invisible artist's hands. It ignores the sudden hisses from the kobolds or their drawn weapons, gradually turning into-

There's a long, drawn-out moment of silence as the kobolds stare at the stalagmite's final, slightly jiggly form. And then they stare at each other. Eventually, one of the kobolds breaks the silence.

"... so... is this one of the things we're supposed to get the squadron leader for?"

The second kobold scratches his head. "Hell if I know. Still, THIS sure as hell can't be 'just as planned,' can it?"

"I know, I know. But-"

The reshaped stalagmite suddenly chuckles, startling both guards. "Hehehe. Hehehe, you said- you said 'butt.' Ehehehe-"

"Zz'gha," the second kobold growls. "It's a goddamn talking /butt/-"

"Eheheheh-"

"- shaped out of rock. If this doesn't require his attention, I don't know WHAT the fuck does. I'm gonna go get him, you stay here."

(Cont.)

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>>30533680
The first guard's eyes widen, and he shakes his head frantically. "What!? Hell no, you're not leaving me alone with this... this thing!"

"But-"

"EHEHEHE-"

A larger kobold stomps out toward the guards, his lips pulled back in a silent snarl. "ALRIGHT, what's all this racket about!? Zz'gha, Vv'awk, you'd better have one hell of an explanation for this! You're going to bring the mountain down around us in no time!"

"S-Sir!" Both guards squeak and salute. "It's this- this thing, it's- sir, it's a talking rock butt-"

"EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE YOU SAID BUUUUTT-"

"Goddamn, I don't care what your pet THING is, you're shutting it up right now, you hear me??"

"But sir-"

"BUUUUUUTTSSSSS-"

... back in the cave, Gubbins quietly fists-pumps to himself as most of the kobolds start looking over toward the entrance, some of them abandoning their posts to peer out at the magic phenomenon. Eyes still glowing yellow, he quickly tiptoes over toward those few groups that are still talking among themselves...

[A] [SERIOUS] Peek in on the group of robed kobolds clustered around a table, examining various documents. They look pretty smart, maybe they're planning something.
[B] [ANGRY] Listen in on the armored, heavyset kobolds preparing themselves for a fight, gossiping among themselves. They look like they got their ears to the ground.
[C] [FURTIVE] See what's going on with the group of lightly-armored kobolds whispering among themselves, flipping through various tomes. They look suspicious, maybe they know something you don't.
[D] [WRITE-IN]

>>30533705
>[C] [FURTIVE]

Rolled 94

>>30533705

Carve out a chamber below you, form some tunnels and listen to all three at once!

Rolled 70

>>30533705
[A]! Super SERIOUS!

>>30533705
>[C] [FURTIVE] See what's going on with the group of lightly-armored kobolds whispering among themselves, flipping through various tomes. They look suspicious, maybe they know something you don't.


Tomes = Magic

Magic = Good

Good = ...Good, right?

>>30533705
>C!
Tomes? Tomes!

Rolled 24

>>30533740
THIS!!!!!!

>>30533740
OOOh this sounds just right!

Rolled 96

>>30533780

The best part is, because it involves geomancy, it gets +30 :D

Rolled 37

>>30533705

Have the butt ask the leader what milk is.

>>30533740
Yes!

>>30533705
>[C] [FURTIVE] See what's going on with the group of lightly-armored kobolds whispering among themselves, flipping through various tomes. They look suspicious, maybe they know something you don't.

MAGIC TOME GET

>>30533740
The 90's have it.

>>30533801
Also, of course, This.

Rolled 94

>>30533793


>>The time has come.

>>30533824
>94, 96, 94
How.

Rolled 55

>>30533824

>And so have I

[

>>30533793
>>30533824
The path is clear

Rolled 35

>>30533847

Nanomachines, son

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>>30533801
Oh dear god.

Yes.

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>>30533705
>90s, 90s everywhere, jesus christ

Okay, it looks like the consensus is:

>[DIG-DUG] Carve out tunnels underneath all three groups and listen in to all of them at once!
>[OIWOTSMILK]

>***STUPID LUCKY TIME?***
ROLL d100! (dice+1d100 in the email field)
>taking the best 1 out of 3!

Rolled 62

>>30533958
LETS GO

Rolled 75

>>30533958

>>30533740
Seconding.

Rolled 27

>>30533958

Rolled 99

>>30533958
>dice+1d100

>>30533873
Well, DAQ is up... Maybe the rectal nanobots conversation came here?

Rolled 71

>>30533985

Well damn.

Rolled 26

>>30533958

IT'S OGRE

>>30533985
ogres

>>30533985
Ogres.

Rolled 5

>>30534006
>>30533967

>>62
>>26

>>It has begun...?

Might be too far down there though :/

All these wasted rolls. Christ.

Rolled 6

>>30534026
>>30534037

However this turns out, it'll be entertaining.

Um. Blorp. You didn't die on us, did you?

>>30534725
PANIC

>>30534725
>>30534787
too much luck?

Rolled 68

>>30534859


All those 90s I threw around overloaded his proccessors.

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>>30533680
>>30533705
>>30533958
>[X] [DIG-DUG] Carve out tunnels underneath all three groups and listen in to all of them at once!
>75(+30) - ... WELL THEN

Gubbins doesn't even pause to THINK about which group he should listen to. Seriously, he is a master mage of the ground, time, and also gibbering images of butts that also happen to heal things! Why's he gotta be bound down by logic and rational decision-making, huh? He's got enough sparkly cool magics to get ALL the information, enough to make Boss Bawss Fistboss sit down with his chin on his hand and do that awesome thing where he thinks of things and the consequences of things! It'll be absolutely amazing!

Once again, his eyes begin glowing a brilliant golden shade as he quietly becomes one with the ground underneath his feet, sinking into the rocky cavern floor as if it were quicksand. Once he's cocooned within the earth's embrace, Gubbins focuses his magic and digs out small tunnels leading from his ears up into the cavern, fashioning them into hearing tubes- one near each of the three groups, close enough to hear them.

After a moment's thought, he adds earthen eyes to the tips of nearby stalagmites, allowing him full vision of the ongoing conversations above him. The heavily-armored group of kobolds, clad in metal that DOESN'T look like patchwork, is the easiest to hear, their voices gruffer and lower than those of their brethren.

"- don't know what's coming to 'em. Almost enough to make you feel sorry for 'em, huh?"

"Almost." The other soldier flicks his tail. "Don't get cocky, though. We got lucky with the humans. Groundlings know tunnels and warrens like the back of their grubby hands, so they'll come out swinging and hollering."

"Hah! No wonder we're going all scorched earth on 'em. Trap elementals, dimension rifts, railroading- the works."

(Cont.)

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>>30535052
The soldier's eyes seem to sparkle. "And then we're gonna space 'em?"

There's a nod in response. "And then we're gonna space 'em."

Their conversation fades into silent muttering and weapons-sharpening, so Gubbins focuses on the next group. The whispers of the robed kobolds filter into his ears next...

"- this quadrant, then the next one," the speaker intones, jabbing a clawed finger at the parchment in the center of the table. "We'll pass over the ones we can't warp warrens into."

"An initial bombardment of spacing? Good call. What of quadrant 356's throne room? We can't just space THAT, that would remove the whole point."

A third robed kobold raises one hand. "Might I suggest Squad Dracolich for that?"

"I just said, we can't warp soldiers directly into those rooms."

"Just put them in the adjacent warrens." A claw is jabbed into the parchment again. "This squad, they're VERY good at shock and awe."

"Good. We need those tomes at all costs... Just As Planned, gentlemen."

The entire group pauses to murmur as one, "Just As Planned."

Down in his earthen cocoon, Gubbins frowns in confusion. He understood, like, maybe half of what they were saying. Still, he commits it to memory the best he can, before turning to the final group of kobolds dressed in patchy leather armor, huddled over what appear to be books of some kind...

(Cont.)

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>>30535066
"Gods above. Look at that... that! Are they really doing that!?"

"S-So lewd I'm gonna explode!"

Gubbins frowns and accesses the earthen eye closest to these kobolds. Their books seem to be filled with strange crude drawings of... extremely stylized kobolds, drawn so that their edges are rounded and adorable, with nary a scale or fanged tooth in sight.

"M-Moai!"

"Shhh! Squad leader's right outside, he'll take this away!"

"Why is Hs'sna-tan such the best girl?"

>"hs'sna-tan best girl"
>"not kz'zan"

"Say that to my snout, fucker-"

"Guys, calm down, you're both wrong, Gha'zgh is the best-"

Gubbins closes the ear-tube as the conversation quickly dissolves into angry bickering and tail-pulling. He crosses his arms and frowns, trying to figure out his next step- oh. Right.

(Cont.)

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>>30535110
Back outside, the kobold commander and his two guards stop trying to kick the animate rocky butt to death when it suddenly forms a mouth on one buttcheek and pipes up in a surprisingly deep voice.

"OI! WOT'S MILK???"

The three decidedly non-mammalian kobolds look at each other, blinking in confusion. One of the guards is the first to speak up.

"Um... isn't it, like, that horrible things humans do to feed-"

"Wrong, soldier!" The commander snarls. "It's the most dreaded torture tactic the elves have to date! They grab your snout, then they start peeling off each scale bit by bit, and-"

"But that's-"

"EHEHEHEHHEHHEHE-"

"Oh my GODS, will SOMEONE shut this thing up?!"

Gubbins sighs in disappointment as the kobolds finally succeed in destroying the talking butt statue. Looks like he wasn't able to get the information he needed, not this time. The ogre doesn't have THAT much magic juice left in him, he's not entirely sure how much more he can dawdle through time without, you know. Things happening to him. Or to the universe.

Now, what should he do with the other non-milk information...?

[A] [HOME] Gubbins' done what he could back in time. Boss Bawss Fistboss needs to know what he learned!
[B] [WARP] Gubbins hasn't mapped out the dwarflands yet! His mission is not complete until he does that much, at least!
[C] [SABOTAGE] Gubbins could totally just ruin these kobolds' days while he's here, even though they haven't attacked anything yet!
[D] [WRITE-IN!]

Rolled 12

>>30535132

Warp the entire cavern home.

>>30535132
>[D] [WRITE-IN!]
Snag that commander. He sounds like he knows what milk is, maybe he can help with getting some for the ride back home.
>[B] [WARP] Gubbins hasn't mapped out the dwarflands yet! His mission is not complete until he does that much, at least!

>>30535132
[B] [WARP] Gubbins hasn't mapped out the dwarflands yet! His mission is not complete until he does that much, at least!

>>30535132
[B] [WARP]
We have a job to do, after al

>>30535180
This.

>>30535155
I approve of this action and would like to support it.

Rolled 25

>>30535155

Annendum: And then go map the dwarflands.

>>30535155
This

Rolled 22

>>30535132

>>30535132

Encase the commander in rock and bring him to us. He has some semblance of what milk is. We can interrogate him with butts at our leisure later.

>>30535132
>[B] [WARP] Gubbins hasn't mapped out the dwarflands yet! His mission is not complete until he does that much, at least!

>>30535132
Warm the entire cave system home

>>30535132
>D/B
We need to map out those Dwarflands.
Of course, we could always just tell the dwarves about this plan, tell them what areas aren't warpable and will therefore be good places to hole up, and ask as a reward a comprehensive map of the Dwarflands and some milk.

Even if they don't believe us until too late that reward's cheap enough to do and hey, it might help them.

Rolled 50

>>30535155

We have that sphere Oiwhatsmilk gave us, right? Might be the time to see what it does.

Ok, so we do >>30535155 but we keep the commander with us for shits and giggles like >>30535180 said.

>>30535273
I can dig it. Seconding.

>>30535273
I approve.

>>30535110
>"Gods above. Look at that... that! Are they really doing that!?"
>"S-So lewd I'm gonna explode!"
>Gubbins frowns and accesses the earthen eye closest to these kobolds. Their books seem to be filled with strange crude drawings of... extremely stylized kobolds, drawn so that their edges are rounded and adorable, with nary a scale or fanged tooth in sight.
>"M-Moai!"
>"Shhh! Squad leader's right outside, he'll take this away!"
>"Why is Hs'sna-tan such the best girl?"
>>"hs'sna-tan best girl"
>>"not kz'zan"
>"Say that to my snout, fucker-"

Despite being slaughtered by the hundreds, despite being exiled to a realm beyond space and time, the Kobolds have managed to progress their culture to involve cheap mass entertainment in the form of manga and inspire neckbearded soldiers.

Truly a progressive society.

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ALRIGHT, by a landslide, it looks like the consensus is:

>Warp the entire cavern home, keep the commander with us, and THEN go map out the dwarflands.

GODS SAVE US, EVERY ONE.

>***STUPID LUCKY TIME?***
ROLL d100! (dice+1d100 in the email field)
>taking the best 1 of 3 rolls!

Rolled 61

>>30535562
Nat 1 time

Rolled 92

>>30535562
FOR DERP

Rolled 77

>>30535562

This is going to end in tears

Rolled 14

>>30535562

Rolled 35

>>30535562
Boom goes the dynamite!

Rolled 51

>>30535562

Rolled 9

>>30535562

Rolled 62

>>30535562
FOR STUPID

Rolled 32

>>30535562
BLARGLE!

Rolled 80

>>30535562

Damn, I'm late.

Rolled 16

>>30535583
awwwwwww yeah

Rolled 3

>>30535577
>>30535583
Stupid lucky and successful!

>>30535577
>>30535583
DERP DERP DERPA DERP DEH DEE DERPA DOO

>>30535583
Ogre!

>>30535584
Since I think spatial translocation magic fall under Geomancy for Gubbins, we almost had an unnatural double. Shucks.

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>>30535583
>>30535577
>This is going to end in tears

well

when you roll like THAT on a course of action like THIS

especially when this probably also opens up HORRIBLE TIME PARADOXES

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>>30535583
>>30535577

Rolled 5

>>30535638

:D

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>>30535638
THE OGRE TRAIN HAS NO BREAKS!

Rolled 33

>>30535638

>time paradox
>when there's an active portal that revives dead elves

Yeah, we've already crossed that wall and are knocking on the fifth wall at this point.

What could possibly go wrong?

>>30535638
We just made so they couldn't have made the dwarf lands disappear in the first place, didn't we?

>>30535661
>>30535683

You two are making it worse!

Or better?

Rolled 88

>>30535776

:D

>ensure sedeie

am i the fairy

Blorp, I wanted to tell you: this is the motherfucking best quest ever. It's even better than Anal Prolapse Quest.

Rolled 53

>>30535859

>Anal Prolapse Quest was 2 years ago

I went into that thread without reading the opening post. I saw spaceships, figured it was a dump.

Boy how wrong I was.

>>30535935
>I figured it was a dump.
>Boy how wrong I was.
Well, you weren't ENTIRELY wrong

>>30535638
>HORRIBLE TIME PARADOXES
>Ogres

Not seeing the problem, man. What, you think reality needs to follow logic and reason?
Because we already suplex'd that train, man.

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In case anyone is interested...

>>30535132
>>30535562
>[X] [FUCK EVERYTHING] Warp the entire cave home, kidnap the commander, map the dwarflands, go go go go go!!
>92
>77
>why this

Well, Boss Bawss needs this information. Like, REALLY needs this information. And Gubbins is completely uninhibited in many respects, but he knows enough to realize that his mind probably isn't the sharpest crayon in the lighthouse. Probably less so, given how much magic he pumps through it on a regular basis. So Gubbins isn't sure exactly how much of all these conversations he can remember, ESPECIALLY when he's already racking his brain meats to figure out this whole milk thing.

It's only a short while later that the shorter ogre's eyes brighten up as he comes up with the most PERFECT plan ever.

Each and every kobold currently working in the cavern- and those returning from their short-lived viewing of The Butt That Talked- nearly jump right out of their scales when an ogre pulls itself out of the ground like some sort of big, blue, horrifying mole. The finely-trained warrior kobolds quickly pull their weapons, and within moments, Gubbins is surrounded by a circle of gleaming metal and/or magic staves.

"I don't know where you came from or why you're here, ogre, but you'd best stand down before you find yourself full of new breathing holes," the kobold commander snarls. "Now stand down!"

Gubbins frowns as he takes this in. "... nah. No thanks, I got 'nuff breathin' holes as it is." He taps his nose for emphasis, showing off his two big nostrils. "So anyway, you know all dat stuff you said 'bout plans an' spacin' and killin' and cute koboldy things? You think you could repeat 'em if asked?"

The commander's eye ridge twitches. "Not to the likes of you, ogre!"

"You will?? Great!" Gubbins claps his hands together cheerfully. "I got a LOTTA friends back home who'd be totally happy to hear dat! Shazam!"

"Wait, wha-"

(Cont.)

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>>30536494
As usual for these sorts of mornings, Celicia crawls up to a sitting position and stares blearily into nothingness, waiting for her brain to finish booting up. After a few minutes of spacing out, she swings herself up out of bed to stand at her window, peering out from Daphnaia's boughs into the desert below.

The most coherent thought in her mind right now is basically "thank fucking god the ogres pulled Ogir Place to a standing position (and by extension, Daphnaia)." It had been absolute murder to try sleeping in a bed perpendicular to the ground, and-

Celicia blinks as, a few feet from Ogir Place's big stone feet, a giant round rock falls screaming right out of the sky, the chorus of LITERAL screams cutting off as they land right on the desert sands. She leans against the windowsill and watches with a detached sort of interest as dozens of kobolds shakily leave the rock, some falling to their knees to empty out their meals, others catching sight of the huge oasis-golem and screaming back into their upended cave.

A few moments after THAT, she watches as dozens of ogres pour out of Ogir Place, all of them running right toward the kobolds while bellowing "HURRAH! NEW FRIENDS!" at the top of their lungs, eliciting another round of horrified screams from the unfortunate kobolds.

Celicia goes to pour herself her usual morning alcohol mixture, fully intent on watching the outcome of this little incident. Nowadays, there's ALWAYS something interesting to watch on Saturday mornings.

(Cont.)

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>>30536517
Back in a slightly more theoretical plane of existence, Gubbins grasps the unfortunate kobold commander in a friendly chokehold as they float through the reality rift opened up by the geomancer. "... an' I'll call you George an' you're gonna be a real good friend!"

"eeeee," the kobold commander manages as his face turns purple.

"But first... we're gonna map out da dwarflands! This'll be our first mission together!"

"eeeeee!?"

"Ahaha, yeah, we're gonna be da BEST of pals. And we're here!"

The kobold's eyes bug out even further as Gubbins deposits them right in the midst of the dwarven capital, standing in front of a small shop stall (the owner of which promptly drops his freshly-hewn dwarven bread, which falls with enough mass and speed to shatter the stone floor).

"I would like one map of da entire dorflands, please," Gubbins says cheerfully.

The dwarf gulps. Slowly, he reaches out and hands a rolled up parchment over, making no sudden moves. "Er... 'kay, lad. Here ya go. Now don't-"

"Aw, yeah! Thanks a bunch!" Gubbins sniffs the parchment and nods, looking pleased. "Yup, dat's a map, alright. Here's yer payment!"

Moments later, the unfortunate dwarf merchant stands alone in his stall, turning an unfortunate shade of green due to the large bag of steaming fresh ogre currency clutched in his hands.

(Cont.)

>>30536517
Oh god, this was worth staying up for.

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>>30536536
Moments after THAT, Celicia nearly spittakes her drink when Gubbins appears right in her room, though she lowers her rifle once she realizes that it's just him. "Gubbins? Where have you BEEN, it's-"

"Map!" the geomancer crows triumphantly, thrusting it into Celicia's hands.

"E-Er, okay, but-"

"Important kobold guy!" he continues doggedly, thrusting the half-conscious commander into Celicia's hands.

"W-What!? Gubbins, where-"

"Sleep!" Gubbins finishes, going from upright and lucid to prone and snoring in the blink of an eye.

Celicia stands amidst the debris of Gubbins' chaotic return, though the silence is quickly broken by the kobold commander's whimpering.

"... yeah, I feel you," she grumps, shoving her morning alcohol over to the commander (who accepts it gratefully, chugs it all down, and then collapses in a weeping heap of almost-terminally-confused kobold).

(Cont. for status report and Civ bits in a few minutes!)

>>30536536
That poor dwarf merchant.

>>30536536
HE FORGOT THE MILK!

Rolled 13

>>30536536

My sides have reached terminal velocity.

>>30536564
Mine have long since stopped existing on this plane.

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>>30536560
>>30536556
>ADDENDUM:

Meanwhile, back in the dwarflands of the past, the dwarf merchant nearly retches when he FINALLY saw the contents of the ogre's payment to him, and is very nearly about to go and dispose of it in some form when he realizes that he is, once again, NOT alone in his shop.

"MILK!" Gubbins barks out, still half-asleep.

"H-Here you go!" The dwarf merchant all but throws the bottle of milk at the ogre, trying to hide behind himself and failing. "Please, lad, just don't give me no more of that-"

Moments later, the ogre is nowhere to be seen, and the dwarf merchant is kneeling on the floor, weeping into his hands as he's sandwiched between two rather large bags of ogre poop.

>MILK GET!
>Continued in a few moments for civ bits!

>>30536560
My fucking sides. Oh god why did you

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>>30536634
>>30536556
>>30536536
>>30536517
>>30536494

>>30536634
It took me >>30536641 this long to stop laughing and read your post. Well played OP!

Rolled 99

>>30536634
SIDES OF PERPETUAL MOTION ATTAINED!

Rolled 30

>>30536697

The end of days are upon us, for truly no sides can withstand this punishment.

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>>30536697

Rolled 26

>>30536712
MY SIDES BLINKED OUT OF EXISTENCE! C'MON OGRE ROLL TO GET GUBBIN'S TO DELIVER ME MY SIDES! HELP ME IN THIS TASK!

Rolled 50

>>30536744

HUOOOOOOOOOOO

Rolled 50

>>30536769
NEED MY SIDES HERE! GUBBINS?

Rolled 53

>>30536784
>>30536769
OH, THERE YOU ARE GUBBINS! THANKS FOR ME SIDES!
>Captcha: typsop maps

>>30536769
>>30536784
TWO 50'S! YOU'RE SITTING ON TOP OF THEM!

THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE!

Rolled 74

>>30536810

Together we are the 100.

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>>30536784
>>30536769

>>30536634
I have no fucking clue what this is.

But reading it. I am now a fan. Going read the archive.

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>>30536556
>>30536634
>STATUS REPORT:
On the plus side, it's not going to take very long to repair Ogir Place at all, not with the new methods that the ogres have ingeniously discovered! The oasis golem's legs are already repaired, and the arms and everything else should come along shortly.

Gubbins' mission was also a success- he found valuable information on the dwarflands' geographical stats, which will totally be used to save maliciously-destroyed dwarflands. He even went into the past and brought back an entire cabal of evil kobolds who were dead set on... maliciously destroying the dwarflands.

Needless to say, the aftereffects of Gubbins' little jaunt into time may be a little more far-reaching than anyone could predict.

Now, onto more news: Boss Bawss Fistboss should be waking up shortly! He no longer looks so pallid and kinda-deadish, but now there's credence to the ogres' insistence that he was just sleeping it off!

And almost as if to celebrate this fact, the mountains to the far west of the Scaratone Hives appear to be moving to farther westward, as if they just happened to grow legs and start walking! Also, the sun appears to be turning an angry shade of purple.

That's... that's all totally normal, right...?

(Cont.)

>>30536802
You fool, you'll never get your sides back.

Don''t you understand?
Ogres have no textile works, their only clothes are rock and dead critter hats.

So where do they get the sacks their currency comes in?

Hint: It's our sides. It's always been our sides.

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>>30536844

Rolled 27

>>30536847
But Gubbins just handed me my sides because of Ogre. And they're clean.

Rolled 89

>>30536844

Yay, I altered the timeline.

>>30536844
oh noes, our new opponent is Bizarro Bawzz! (who is actually just Bawss, but purple) bent on protecting his ogres from more timeline editing!

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>>30536844
--------------------------------------
**CHOOSE TWO (2) STRATEGY ACTIONS, AND...**
--------------------------------------
[A1] [REPAIR FLIGHT & WEAPONS] Ogir Place being able to fly and defend itself WOULD be nice!
[B1] [REPAIR STRUCTURE] Ogir Place would certainly enjoy not looking like Swiss cheese, too!
[C1] [AWAKEN BAWSS] Just a little bit more, and Boss Bawss Fistboss will wake up! (Or he'll just wake up next turn).
[D1] [TECH UP] Inventions!
[E1] [MAGIC UP] Magic... ventions!
[F1] [WRITE-IN] Wot do?
--------------------------------------
**... AND CHOOSE TWO (2) EVENT ACTIONS!**
--------------------------------------
[A2] [SCARATONES] Check up on Queen Kilkkarak! The ogres' oldest allies might know something about what's going on.
[B2] [DWARVES] Check up on Lockstock and his crew. Their morale might be a little... confused, after all that (hasn't/has) happened...?
[C2] [MOUNTAINS] Walking mountains! Hurrah! Let's go check 'em out!
[D2] [KOBOLDS] Interrogate the prisoners- both groups of them!
[E2] [SUN] Dawn of the Purple Day. 72 Hours Remain. Naah, I'm just messin' with ya.
[F2] [OIWOTSMILK] Bring the teachings of the great self-frying chicken to the masses of Patchwings and skeletons! (And whoever else will listen!)
--------------------------------------

>>30536952
Nah, it's Sswab Orrazib, Time Orge Orgeordinaire!

Rolled 71

>>30537000

B1 D1 Combo!

B2 F2

>>30536844
Yeah, don't worry 'bout that.

OI! YOU UP THERE! I AIN'T HAVIN' NONE O' THAT CHEEK! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR I'M COMING UP THERE!

(sun goes back to normal)

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

Better?

>>30537000
A1
D1

A2
F2

>>30537000
[A1]
[C1]
[B2]
[F2]

>>30537000
B1, C1 and A2, and D2.

I'd like Boss to be up and about to help with the interrogatings.

>>30537000
C1!
B1!

A2!
E2 BECAUSEFUCKYOUMOON, I CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING! C-Right, A, C-Down, C-Right, A, C-Down!

>>30537000
THE EGG THING WE GOT FROM OIWHATSMILK

>>30537000
>[A1] [REPAIR FLIGHT & WEAPONS]
>[E1] [MAGIC UP] (Climate Control to turn the sun sunny again!)
>[B2] [DWARVES]
>[F2] [OIWOTSMILK] Bring the teachings of the great self-frying chicken to the masses of Patchwings and skeletons! (And whoever else will listen!)

>>30537000
A1
B1

A2
F2

>>30537000

A1
B1

B2
F2

>>30537000
[C1] [AWAKEN BAWSS] Just a little bit more, and Boss Bawss Fistboss will wake up! (Or he'll just wake up next turn).

[E1] [MAGIC UP] Magic... ventions!
Let's invent Notcromancy, the logical inverse of Necromancy!

[B2] [DWARVES] Check up on Lockstock and his crew. Their morale might be a little... confused, after all that (hasn't/has) happened...?

[D2] [KOBOLDS] Interrogate the prisoners- both groups of them!

>>30537000
a1 d1

a1 d2

>>30537000
[A1] [C1] [A2] [D2]
If it's possible to get bawss up before the two event actions, do so, if not, then [A1] [D1] [B2] and [F2]

>>30537000
[A1]
[D1]

[E2]
[F2]

>>30537000
A1+B1
A2+F2

>>30537071
>Let's invent Notcromancy, the logical inverse of Necromancy!

...I will support this.

>>30537000
>A1
>C1
>A2
>F2

>>30537000
[B1]
[D1]
[A2]
[F2]

>>30537000
didn't our roll to repair the holes succeed? cause we totally chose that as our second strategy action last round

>>30537105
Nah, the winning second choice ended up being REPAIR REPAIRS.

>>30537000
A1, C1

A2, F2

>>30537127
Wait, what?

>>30537072
>>30537071
changing my d1 to an e1 in support of this

>>30537000
A1 B1
D2 F2

>>30537144
Ogres.

>>30537144
The Ogre repairs made things better instead of "legit" in the "highly questionable" sense.

>>30537000
Strategy:
A1
D1

Event:
C2
F2

>>30537144
We had to learn how to repair things the Ogre way!

>>30537071
>>30537053

I'm willing to change a vote from [C1]Waking up Bawss to [E1]Notcromancy.

Alright, going to wait five more minutes for more votes to come in!

>>30537071
I'm all for Notcromancy!

Rolled 9

>>30537000
A1, E1 Notcromancy, E2, F2

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>>30537172
>>30537188
>>30537210
OH CHRIST.

>>30537000
A1
E1 Notcromancy
B2
F2

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>>30537000
Alright, it looks like the winning votes were:

Strategy Actions:
>[A1] [REPAIR FLIGHT & WEAPONS]
>[B1] [REPAIR STRUCTURE]
Event Actions:
>[A2] [VISIT SCARATONES]
>[F2] [GOSPEL OF OIWOTSMILK]

And so, it's time to roll for the STRATEGY ACTIONS!

>***STUPID LUCKY TIME?***
ROLL d100! (dice+1d100 in the email field)
>taking the best 2 out of 4 rolls!

Rolled 62

>>30537396

WOT WOT

Rolled 1

>>30537396
Ogres

Rolled 89

>>30537396

Rolled 29

>>30537396
OGRES

Rolled 68

>>30537420

wow

Rolled 61

>>30537396
Ogre T-

>>30537420
Brings tears to my eyes.

>>30537420
Ahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha...ha...ha!

>>30537420
HA HAH!
My turn to break blorp

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>>30537420
>1
>LUCKY STUPID
>for flight and weapons
>FLIGHT
>AND
>WEAPONS

Rolled 60

>>30537396

Rolled 62

>>30537485
Like I said. Brings tears to my eyes.

>>30537485
Do we get a hyper beam now?

>>30537485
HAHA!

Rolled 9

>>30537485
Ogre Place farts to fly now.

And fight.

>>30537420
>>30537485
I think the ogres just forgot Ogir Place could fly and it just rips space apart until they get to their destination.

>>30537485
What's we do, plug up the holes in Ogir Place with pieces from Bawss's mech armor?

>>30537485
so what were you doing over the four month break? piecing your mind together again, running a different quest, doing exams, having a life

>>30537542
>piecing your mind together again

yes

Rolled 76

>>30537485

They put the FLIGHT on the WEAPONS didnt they?

We have BITS or FUNNELS now?

>>30537584
Need more superglue?

>>30537595
No, the put weapons in the flight. We now have to shoot things I order to go places.

Rolled 52

>>30537617

That'll be a problem, we'll never stop.

>>30537485
No more dreams
Only tears

No, no, no, we fly with the weapons and we attack with the wings. Simple.

>>30537636
>never stop
>problem
Individually those words make sense, but taken together they're utter nonsense.

>>30537485
I hate offering this, but if you want to hit the pause button for the night I won't think less of you OP.

>>30537735
But we haven't finished destroying his mind.

>>30537485
THE RETURN OF THAT GUY!

I hope no one forgot That Guy.

>>30537396
>>30537000
>[X] [REPAIR FLIGHT & WEAPONS]
>[X] [REPAIR STRUCTURE]
>1 - Lucky Stupid!
>89 - Successful!

The ogres have gotten a bit more used to working without the guidance of Boss Bawss Fistboss, who would normally prevent them from doing utterly stupid things (or, perhaps more accurately, funnel those utterly stupid things into works of pure and unintentional genius). The repairs to Ogir Place continue unabated, and its non-ogre inhabitants quickly got used to the constant, all-pervading sound of "ONE, TWO, LOTS" followed by dozens of stones cracking against each other.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the structural integrity of Ogir Place gets fixed VERY quickly. After all, it's just a matter of making stone grow back to its normal, unbroken state and size, right? Because that's totally how stone works. Utterly confident in their logical view of how (they think) the world works, the ogres soon make Ogir Place as whole and pristine(?) as it used to be.

Then, of course, comes the hard part.

Today, the ogre in charge of repairs stares up at Ogir Place, which stands as tall and proud as it ever did. The only catch? The deactivated weapons aren't working. Like, at all. And the oasis-golem can't even manage to hover more than a few feet off the ground; it's as if the Flightstone veins within are broken, somehow.

The ogre shakes his head, dismissing his worries and turning his frown upside-down as he faces the assembled ogre repair crews. "A-Alright, boys," he rumbles. "We're gonna start fixin' da place again, like we always do. Okay? Okay. So onna count of 'lots', we're all gonna hit our rocks together, okay? Okay. Here we go-"

"WAAAAAAAIT!"

(Cont.)

>>30538457
Every ogre's head turns to watch as Gubbins jogs down from Ogir Place. "I GOT IT," the geomancer crows. "I know wot's wrong with Ogir Place's flyin' stuff! It's not Ogir Place dat's broken!"

The repair crew leader blinks, scrunching his face up in confused thought. "It... it ain't? But if Ogir Place's flyin' stuff ain't broken-"

"Yeah! Dat's exactly it!" Gubbins cracks his knuckles. "It's not Ogir Place dat's broken..."

* * *

"... Lockstock?"

The dwarven prince pulls himself out of the bowels of his team's giant drill machine, wiping the sweat off his brow before replying to Celicia. "Aye, lass?"

"I need a second opinion." Celicia points over to Ogir Place's feet. "What the hell are they doing?"

Lockstock squints out into the desert, watching as literally every ogre living in Ogir Place roars and yells as they run helter-skelter, slamming any weapon they can find at something close to the ground. "Well, if you asked ME, lass, it kinda looks like the lads are chasin' after some manner of intangible concept that shouldn't actually be able to be beaten to death."

"And?"

"And they're winnin'. Pretty handily, at that."

Celicia pinches the bridge of her nose. "... thank you, Lockstock. I think I'll- oh gods," she shrieks as she suddenly begins floating up into the air, unable to find any purchase in the ground.

"Looks like they won," Lockstock grunts, hanging onto his machine as the entire thing begins floating up into the air. "How 'bout that?"

"GODDAMMIT!" Celicia bellows out at the ogres, shaking her fist into the air. "WE NEEDED THAT GRAVITY, YOU GUYS!"

Gubbins briefly stops punching an invisible law-of-physics-that-may-or-may-not-be-punchable-right-now. "Don't worry! We're just comin' to an agreement! It'll come around soon enough!"

(cont.)

>>30538478
>as she suddenly begins floating up into the air
HAHAHAHA! OGRES!

Rolled 81

>>30538478

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Fuck you.