>Rules

After each update, there will be ten minutes to vote on provided options, whichever option receives the most votes during that time is the winner.

Due to this being based on a comedy series, there will not be a dice system.

All votes are final, so choose wisely (really, just have fun).

"Sure-wait, fax? Why a fax? Do we even have a fax machine down here? If not, I'll need you to send one of those, too. And probably a freezer for the pizzas," you tell him.

"Alright, dude, they'll be there soon," he tells you. "Then send me a fax and you'll get your airstrike."

"Righto bromego," you reply. "And thanks, next time I'm at command, drinks are on me."

"Sounds good, later dude," he says, ending the transmission.

Turning your head, you see Tex standing in the doorway.

"So, are you ready to settle this?" she asks.

>A. Yes

>B. Yes, you should go outside first

>C. Yes (Charge her)

>D. Yes (Shoot her)

>E. Dialogue writein

>F. No, later

>G. Apologize for earlier

>>31458078
>>A. Yes

>>31458078
A

>>31458167
>>31458131
You tell her that you're ready to settle this.

She nods and turns, heading outside. You follow, and for a moment, you think you see a tiny glowing person on her shoulder. It leans in and whispers something to Tex.

"I've got this one, Omega," she responds, and the small thing disappears.

Church and Tucker have brought chairs and snacks. The two of them kick back and wait for the show to start.

Tex pounds her right fist into her left palm and cracks her neck.

>A. Charge

>B. Get into a guarding position

>C. Shoot her

>D. Throw a grenade

>E. Run

>F. Dialogue Writein

>>31458078
>A. Punch her, then say yes

>>31458317
>B. Get into a guarding position

>>31458317
>>B. Get into a guarding position

>>31458430
>>31458401
You quickly get into a guarding stance, and Tex rushes right at you.

Getting a running start, she leaps into the air, bringing her knee up to try and hit you in the face. You block that attack, but her fist comes around to strike the side of your face. You stagger back a few steps and turn, and suddenly, you feel her hands grip your shoulders. Maintaining that grip, she leaps over your head, lifts you over hers, and slams you head first into the ground.

You manage to get back on your feet, and see Tex pulling back her right arm for another punch.

>A. Catch her wrist, pull her in and strike hard!

>B. Block and kick

>C. Retreat

>D. Surrender

>E. Shoot her

>F. Use a grenade

>G. Dialogue writein

>H. Tackle her

>I. Take the punch and use her unguarded moment to land as many hits as you can

>>31458596
>>I. Take the punch and use her unguarded moment to land as many hits as you can

>>31458596
>>A. Catch her wrist, pull her in and strike hard!

>>31458317
>B. Get into a guarding position

>>31458596
>A. Catch her wrist, pull her in and strike hard!

>>31458648
>>31458662
You all know the drill

>>31458648
>>31458662
We jojo now!

>>31458648
Take it like a man and laugh a manly laugh. . . then beat up the girl

>>31459168
>>31458648
You take the punch, intending to use her unguarded moment to land some hits on her.

That doesn't work out. The force of her punch knocks you back several feet and to the ground. Before you can get up, Tex walks over and stomps on your balls. She leans down, her helmet a few inches from yours.

"Give up yet?" she asks.

>A. Headbutt her

>B. Punch her

>C."Never!"

>D. Dialogue writein

>E. Yes

>>31459247
>A. Headbutt
"They put armor there for a reason."

>>31459247
Headbutt the bitch

>>31459247
A

>>31459247
>>>A. Headbutt her

>>31459247
>C."Never!"
And then grab her, pull her to flip her over us and then givith the the smack down while we are on top

Rolled 10

>>31459283
This.

>>31459288
>>31459283
>>31459291
>>31459298
>>31459391
You answer her question by using your head.

A strong headbutt from you causes her to fall on her ass, and gives you the opportunity to get to your feet. She is back on hers almost at the same instant, and tackles you to the ground, raining punches down on your face.

>A. Try to punch her off

>B. Try to block her hits

>C. Dialogue Writein

>D. Surrender

>E. Try to shove her off

>>31459487
>>E. Try to shove her off

>>31459487
>>A. Try to punch her off

>>31459487
>E
Tuck in the feet against her chest and push.

>>31459487
Bring our legs to our chest and use them to kick her off followed by flying ninja kick

>>31459487
>F. Commence continuous rolling and flipping of dominate position that ends with us rolling into Church and Tuncker

>>31459532
>>31459542
Great minds think alike

Rolled 2

>>31459628
I had the same idea, but she could be close enough we can't actually get our legs between us.

>>31459660
Why are you rollin mate?

Rolled 7

>>31459728
Just don't like to remove the dice.

>>31459660
>>31459628
>>31459544
>>31459542
>>31459532
>>31459505
As you are pummeled by the mean lady in the black armor, you bring your legs in to your chest.

With a strong push, you throw her off of you. She lands on her back a few feet away as you stand. She growls and leaps back to her feet. Before you can do anything, she grabs you by the arm and pulls you in, punching you hard in the face. As you go flying backwards, she grabs your ankles and starts spinning, swinging and soon throwing you.

You collide with a large rock, labeled "Tucker's Rock".

>A. Surrender

>B. Get up and charge

>C. Get up and guard

>D. Get up and shoot

>E. Get up and grenade

>F. Dialogue writein

>>31459755
LIFT ROCK. SMASH GIRLIE WITH ROCK. SIMPLE.

>>31459755
>B. Get up and charge

>>31459755
>>B. Get up and charge

>>31459755
>B. Get up and charge
Slide under her and punch her crotch as we pass as payback

Rolled 66

>>31459755
Get up on the rock and shoot.

>>31459755
how are we looking physically?

>>31459850
From the way this fight has been going, pretty i'd guess we're pretty tenderized.

>>31459755
>C
>F
"Tucker... why have you got a rock with your name on it?"

>>31459776
>>31459810
>>31459832
You get to your feet, albeit with some effort.

Tex slowly approaches you, cracking her knuckles. You charge her as fast as you can, and she gets into a guarding stance, catching you by the arm, flipping you over her, spinning, and kicking you in the back, sending you flying through the air several feet and crashing to the ground.

That really fucking hurt.


>A. Surrender

>B. Get up and charge

>C. Get up and guard

>D. Get up and shoot

>E. Get up and grenade

>F. Dialogue writein

>>31459979
You know, I was planning to throw dust in her eyes, then realized she had her helmet on.

Rolled 23

>>31459979
Charge with grenade!

>>31460026
I don't think we should escalate.

>>31459979
>C. Get up and guard
At this rate we will be to broken to eat the incoming pizza...

>>31459979
C. Get up and Guard.

Play it like a fighting game, guard until she slips up and punish when she does.

Rolled 32

>>31459979
Wait, can we dig a little hole and stick a grenade in it? If so, we could then retreat and shoot it with a pistol!

>>31459979
>F
"Damn, lady. You really know how to land a punch."

"I find that really attractive... in attractive people."

>>31460026
That degree of escalation makes me a little nervous.

>>31459979
>>C. Get up and guard

>>31460026
Dude we're just fighting not trying to kill her, or the more likely event of getting ourselves killed

>>31459979
We did down deep and remember what our pappy taught us about fightin' womenfolk and do that

>>31460109
>We did down deep and remember what our pappy taught us about fightin' womenfolk and do that
Punch 'em in the tits?

>>31460226
And get some sand in their vagina

>>31460102
>>31460079
>>31460075
With more difficulty than last time, you manage to stand and get into a guarding position.

This time, when she charges, you actually manage to block a few of het strikes before getting punched in the balls and kicked in the head, knocked flat on your back once again. Tex walks over and places her right foot firmly on your chest, pinning you.

>A. Surrender

>B. Try and shake her off

>C. Grab her foot and try to get it off

>D. Dialogue writein

>E. Get out your pistol and shoot her

>F. Detonate a grenade

>>31460267
>A. Surrender
Alright, I rather not suffer more testicle damage. We should ice that later with a cold beer to the crotch

>>31460267
Grab her foot and twist as hard as possible, use the nerd rage built up from years of bullying!!

Rolled 68

>>31460267
Hmm, I wonder if we can collapse the ground into the caves?

>>31460267
C.

Might as well go all out. She can respect a guy who keeps fighting even when he's outgunned right? At very least the others will respect us actually having the balls to stand against her.

>>31460267
>D
"You may have those other three whipped, but putting me on my back like this? Only gets me excited. So are we going to do this three times a day from here on, or shall we start acting like adults?"

"Your call."

>>31460364
Lets go with this. We're clearly incapable of hurting her physically, maybe we can stun her momentarily as she considers the horror of our words.

>>31460404
>>31460364
>>31460358
>>31460314
You know the drill

Rolled 87

>>31460404
This.

>>31460571
Not particularly? I assume you mean a runoff vote?

>>31460404
This. Maybe throw in a "Your dickstomping only makes my dick harder" for good measure.

>>31460658
"Stomping my dick only gets it harder."

>>31460620
>>31460404
>>31460364
"You may have those other three whipped, but putting me on my back like this only gets me excited," you tell her. "So, are we going to do this three times a day from here on, or shall we start acting like adults."

She says nothing, just staring down at you for several seconds.

"Your call," you tell her.

After a few more seconds, you hear Tucker shout.

"Come on, Tex, kill him! I bet Church a month's worth of cleaning duty that you would!" he shouts.

Tex steps off of you, walks over to Tucker, punches him in the face, and goes inside.

>A. Follow Tex

>B. Go talk to Church and Tucker

>C. Go check on Caboose

>D. Writein dialogue

>>31460715
>B. Go talk to Church and Tucker

>>31460715
>C. Go check on Caboose

>>31460715
>>D. Writein dialogue
Tucker, why do you have a labeled rock?

>>31460715
Thank you for not making us a masochist.
also >C

>>31460715
>B
"You can start in my room, Tucker. You know how to do hospital corners, right?"

>>31460715
Quick question what is our name?

>>31460804
>>31460773
>>31460751
>>31460743
Once again, you know the drill

>>31460805
Idunno

>>31460933
Combine >>31460804 and >>31460756

>>31460933
>C. Go check on Caboose

Also who names their kid Idonno?

>>31460962
Parents who hade their children.

>>31460933
>Caboose

How about Sterling Archer?

>>31460960
>>31460804
>>31460756
You walk over to Church and Tucker. Tucker holds his head and calls Tex a bitch under his breath as Church laughs at him.

"You can start in my room, Tucker. You do know how to do hospital corners, right?" you ask.

"I fucking hate you," he replies.

"Hey, a bet's a bet, Tucker. No need to be a sore loser," Church tells him.

"Seriously, fuck both of you," Tucker says.

"Tucker, why do you have a labeled rock?" you ask.

"Hey dude, we don't discuss the alone time rock. What happens in alone time stays in alone time," Tucker tells you.

"Classy, Tucker," Church mutters. "But seriously, how did you manage not to die...uh...shit, I don't even know your name."

>A. Tell him your name (Agree on a name)

>B. Say nothing

>C. Leave

>D. Writein dialogue

Rolled 82

>>31461056
>>31461062
A. This

>>31461093
We can go tex,Tex,Tex,TEX!!! lol

>>31461062
I like "Speirs".

"She's fast, yeah. But she still hits like... well, like a fully-loaded semi. And it's loaded with explosives."

"Is she always like that?"

>>31461062
>A. Tell him your name (Agree on a name)
Branch

>>31461062
>A. Tell him your name (Agree on a name)
Jones (pronounced Jo-innes)...no, no, no.

Quincy.

>>31461215
>>31461135
>>31461093
>>31461056
"It's Sterling Archer," you tell them.

"That's lame," Tucker replies.

"It's better than...Tucker, what's your first name?" Church asks.

"Lavernius," Tucker answers.

"Right, it's better than Lavernius Tu-wait, Tucker, are you black?" Church asks.

"Does it matter?" Tucker asks in return.

"No...it just seems like something I should have picked up on," Church tells him.

"You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!" Tucker yells.

"Dude, all we ever use is each other's last names," Church protests. "You call me Church, I call you Tucker, we call Caboose dumbass, and we'll call the Rookie Archer."

"What's Tex's last name?" Tucker asks.

"I don't know, man," Church tells him.

"Seriously? You don't know her last name? Didn't you two, like, almost get married or something?" Tucker asks.

"Fuck you, man," Church answers.

Getting back on topic, you say "She's fast, yeah. But she still hits like...well, a fully-loaded semi. And it's loaded with explosives. Is she always like that?"

"A total bitch? Yep," Church tells you. "Especially since she got that AI."

"Oh yeah, weren't you planning on getting rid of that thing, or something?" Tucker asks.

"I'm working on it," Church assures him.

"How?" Tucker asks.

"By...observing...it...and waiting for the right moment," Church answers.

>A. Ask about the AI

>B. Go look for Tex

>C. Go check on Caboose

>D. Dialogue writein

Rolled 82

>>31461421
A

>>31461421
>Caboose

>>31461421
>C
"Speaking of dumbasses, I'm gonna go make sure Caboose hasn't kicked it. I still want to see what he's like when he's plastered."

>>31461508
"If the two of you are REALLY good, I might let you have a few too."

>>31461421
>C. Go check on Caboose

>>31461622
>>31461535
>>31461508
>>31461494
"Speaking of dumbasses, I'm gonna go make sure Caboose hasn't kicked it. I still want to see what he's like plastered," you tell them. "If the two of you are REALLY good, I might let you have a few, too."

"What the fuck are you talking about, rookie?" Church asks.

"Yeah, we don't have any beer out here," Tucker tells you.

You don't respond, you just go inside to check on Caboose.

(To be continued)

I will stick around to answer any questions you might have

>>31461421
Welp, the MC's voice is now officially H. Jon Benjamin.