I'm intrigued yet disappointed in where this is going.

Don't do this to Steve. You faggot

What if the Elves have a stingray trap?

too soon?

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Mantine uses Sting
It's super effective.

>>31502226
>'We got ourselves a wild one here- watch out for those arrows!'

>>31502410
>"Now, once you have them in a headlock you want to tape up their jaws, they can get you with a spell if you're not careful"

>>31502410
>"Gotta be careful, these arrows sting!"

>>31502444
>Now, it is hard to tell the difference between male and female elves. With that in mind, I'm going to stick my arm up its anus. Oh look at it thrashing about!

>>31502545
>"Must be a female then"

>>31502410
>>31502444
>>31502515
>>31502545
Well I know what my next character will be.

Steve Irwin died the way he lived: with animals in his heart.

>>31502591
>"Feisty girl. Lets giver her a good nudge to calm her down!"

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>>31502134
Proceed.

>>31502591
Mein sides.

>>31502591
made me giggle like a retad

Guys it's been eight years, let him go!

>prepare for sads
>>31502545
>>31502591
>>31502444
>everything turned out better than expected

>>31502977
Never! That man was fucking entertaining.

>>31502134
>Playing my groups regular weekly game on Australia Day this year
>One guy proposes we do a one shot Tomb of Horrors.
>We all roll Orcs worshiping Pellor who love the sun and are on a quest to prove to Pellor they are awesome by getting to the end of the most infamous Tomb in the multiverse.
>Name my Orc Ranger who uses handle animal checks and bags of summon-furry-critter-thing to check for traps Bruce.
>Start calling everyone else Bruce
>All of the sudden our party are Australian Orcs drinking tinnies, exploring Tomb and generally being boisterous about it.
>Bruce the Ranger, Bruce the Wizard, Bruce the Fighter, Bruce the Cleric and Shazza the Rogue.
>"SHIT BRUCE THERES A FUCKING SKELETON IN THERE!"
>"SHE'LL BE RIGHT BRUCE. THROW SOME FIREBALLS AT IT."
>"I'M OUT OF FIREBALLS MATE. GOT ME SOME VB THOUGH."
>"YOU'RE SUCH A CUNT BRUCE."
>Party is laughing carrying on and having fun.
>DM just wants it to end.
>Never actually get to the end because we spend so much time Brucing through traps and purposely triggering them just to see if we can survive.
>My favorite one was where we found 3 chests. One was not trapped. One summoned a Bone Golem and the other spawned 1d8 Snakes.
>We beat up the bone golem, then proceeded to hold bags over the top of the snake summoning one so when we opened it the snakes got in the fucking bag. We then used out bag of snakes to torture some goblins by dropping them in the bag with the snakes. We also threw snakes at everything. EVERYTHING.

>>31503068
I've got a bag of snakes

I've got a bag of snakes

Guess whats inside it!~

>>31503126
Those snakes were so fucking useful.

Trapped corridor? Throw a snake at it.

Goblin warband trapped in the tomb? Throw snakes at them.

Zombies advancing slowly? Snakes mother fucker.

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>>31503068
>"Snakes..."

>>31503408
Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom!

>>31504285

>tfw no Iron Hearts

>>31503264
Planes? Guess what.

>>31503000
/tg/ always delivers. Always

>>31502228
nigga, mr irwin died when i was in jr high. no way its too early.

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we're gonna miss you, steve-o

>>31506495
Don't sully the name of the one true Sreve

>>31512942
Oh shit, I hope Steve will forgive me for spelling hid name wrong

>>31503068
I like the idea of someone 'Brucing' their way through a trap.

>>31502134
>and I'm gonna stick my thumb right up its bunghole!

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>>31513821
I literally just entered this thread to post that. Well done fellow anon

>" 'Ey, Look over there! Right there! That's a Elf. One of the most dangerous creatures on the planet. One pull of their bow sting and I am gone ... I am gonna poke it with a stick."
>"ayiyiiyiyiyiyi!!!!"
>"It's angry!"

>>31513821
Holy shit that brings back memories.

Now that I've got 'er restrayned, I can show ya some of 'er most a-MAY-zing features!
>"EEEE-hhhhhuuuuhhh..."
See these ears? These ears are reeeaall sensitive, capable of picking up even the SLOIGHTest sound, down to a mas-keetah fartin'.
>"Nhuuuh-uh-uhhh..."
They're also capable of feelin' vibrations in the air, and shifts in the wind. And during mating rituals, their partner will nip on 'em with their teeth, like so-
>*Steve grips the tip of the elf's ear between index and middle finger*
>"Nhhhhhhhmmmmm"
-Which keeps 'er interested.

Now another interestin' thing about elves, is their BEAUtiful eyes. Sharper'n a hawks, they can see equally well during the day and at night, and can pick out a predator, prey, or a potential mate, at extreme distances.
>"M'ensi dryi'van ereas"[go back to my ears]
Now, lookit these long, lean, yet surprisingly strong, limbs. These muscles are bundles ah energy, which allows them to strike - WHACK, just like a striking snake. Their length allows them to run and climb with pheNOMenal agility and speed. But what also helps them climb are these hands here.
>*Grips the elf's hand*
>"Nee'vas seenaide, ynah seent"[holding hands, how lewd]
Look at how long each finger is. perfect for plucking bowstrings, working intricate instruments and tools, and gripping branches.
>"Shellas'ni brecha da ingesh"[I'll grab YOUR branch]

>>31517981
>See these ears? These ears are reeeaall sensitive, capable of picking up even the SLOIGHTest sound, down to a mas-keetah fartin'.
lol

>>31517981
Now I mentioned the legs, but really look at 'em.
>"Yevah, sekan da"[Yes, please do]
See how loong and muscular they are? These elves are supah fast, capable of outrunnin' most of the creatures in their ecosystem. Notice how the leg muscles are well defined aaaalll the way-
>*tracing the leg muscles*
>"hmmmm?"
-up to 'er hindquarters.
>"Yeep!"
This also gives 'er excellent jumpin' strength.

All elves tend to have a knack for magic, but which category of magic they're most suited to depends on their subspecies. High elves are more adept at clerical and high magic. The dark elves also excel at high magic, but usually their clerical spells are less about healin' than about debilitatin' their foes. This gal here, though, is a Wood Elf, so 'er subspecies tends towards nature magic, such as commandin' critters, and modifyin' wood.
>"Ky'resh mer'kaba sa wuut mayicka"[I'll show you wood magic]
Elves live in extensive colonies, mostly linked around familial bonds. They can for THOUSands of years, with some ah the oldest ones livin' to be around five thousand years old. This one here, though, appears to be relatively young, I'd wager no highah than 200 years.
>"Sekavah-greka-vah, quan eras ti'mala"[one hundred-ninety-eight, but who's counting]
Now they reach physical maturity around 150, so she's old enough to be lookin' for a mate. And here's where one of the STRAYNGEst quirks of their species comes into play: They can mate with almost any sapient species, and their offspring will always have some of their features. Unfortunately, this also leads to them being hunted and trapped, sold to the rich or brothels. This, combined with a looong gestayshunal period, has lead to dwindling numbahs of full-blooded elves.
>"Avnah, inavrechesa da keva"[Also, interracial is hot]
Awlright, I'm goin' to release her now, so she can get back to foragin' or lookin' for a mate.
>"Shellas'va fernika. Pergavada repega"[I've found one. Prepare to be raped]

>>31518572
>[I've found one. Prepare to be raped]
It's not rape if it's an elf

>>31518572
And now the elf sticks his dick in him.

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>>31518572
10/10

Someone do dwarves next.

>>31503408
Your party is a bunch of low-level monsters with traps guarding a tomb. Indiana Jones is your BBEG.

Good idea or not?

>>31519886
He never really encountered monsters, though...
Maybe tribal humans?

Somebody should write a fic of Steve with Monster Girls.

>>31520547
Halfway through writing something like that, but with a chick and without the australian accent.

i guess i'll start rewriting it.

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>>31520574
Mah nigga.

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Im not even being slightly biased here

>>31520547
>>31520574
Something was done like that in a text game that's currently in beta it's made by the person who did Corruption of Champs.It was a Female Steve Irwin, and she did the whole "look at this beauty" thing to a tiger/lamia creature, who then paralyzed her with venom, and dragged her off to a mating ball, where she got gangbanged, ending in Ahegao.

>>31520831
I was going to do a sort of series of one shots with a title something like "Monster Girl Encyclopedia."

Was working on a Lamia chapter, but college started kicking my ass.

But hey if it's already been done, I'll have to look it over so I don't just repeat history.

>>31520820
Should be archived on suptg.

>>31520891
The game's called "Trials in Tainted Space." Go to the planet, go to the bar, watch the television. I found it on comdotgame, but it's probably up elsewhere.

>>31520891
I do hope you keep it SFW.

>>31520937
Thanks, I'll check it out.

>>31520937
its on his main website, you don't get the most up to date version if you've not donated but you still get most of the shit for free
http://www.fenoxo.com/

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>>31517981
>>31518572

>>31520950
Well a few folks from /d/ were the ones who asked for it, so...

>>31520831
>>31520937
>>31520957
Liking gay furry shit.

Am I even on /tg/ anymore?

>>31520984
You do realize how much overlap /tg/ gets with /d/ right?

Boner, no.

>>31520996
Furry's not allowed on /d/.

>>31520996
Dude, /tg/ and /d/ never were a thing. Those who state otherwise are only few vocal cultists and chaos lovers.

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>>31517981
>*Steve grips the tip of the elf's ear between index and middle finger*
>"Nhhhhhhhmmmmm"
DEPLOY IT

>>31521021
>being this naive
Whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy.

>>31518572
This expands dong.

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>>31502134
>mfw this thread

>>31520937 Here
Didn't say I liked itI like monstergirls, but anything more than "human girl with monster characteristics" turns me off fast, >>31520984, but it's a decent game without the sexual stuff.

>>31517981
>>31518572

Today is a good day.

Do dorfs next.
Or female gnolls (dat pseudopeen)

>>31521107
Damnit, spoilers, why are you not working.

This brings back glorious memories of me as a kid with my dad, thanks a lot /tg/

>>31521107
Nah, it is just CoC in space aka shit.

If you want a good text based game, go look up Slablands.

He died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.

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>>31521169

>>31521156
I don't want to be all negative here, but I'm fairly certain that's not what a dad is supposed to do.

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I imagined OP's story with Deedlit and now my dick is on fire.

>>31521233

What's on her nose?

>>31521116
I will not write fetish stuff, sorry. I may have a crack at the dwarves, though. Gimme some more time to think about it.

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>>31521233
Let me help you with that.

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>>31502134
>>31517981
>>31518572

>>31521169
I'm going to hell for laughing so hard.

>>31521254
A reverse shadow.

>>31521214
You tellin' me my dad raised me wrong? That's asking for a beating.

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>>31517981
>>31518572
Jesus fucking christ anon, you made me laugh hard

>>31521301
Thanks for the cap.
>>31521429
Glad to hear it. I like writing silly stuff, and this is my 2nd time writing something with Steve Irwin in it for /tg/, so it was kinda easy to get back into the mindset.

>>31521524

Do you think you can do one for Dwarves or Orcs?

>>31521538
Thinking I can do one for the dwarves, but it'll be later tonight(5pm here, I'm about to start dinner). If I get ambitious I'll try Orcs.

>>31521580

Sweet!

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>>31521580
OP here, just want to say Good job man.

>>31521580
I would try my hand at Orcs but I'm a terrible writer

>>31521580
Good job anon

Eagerly awaiting further storytime.

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>>31522994

Back, with Dwarf. If it seems like my work is rough, it's because I just come up with this on the spot.
Also, Steve=20th level Human Ranger
>*begins*
So 'ere we are, in a dwaarven hold. Now most dwarves are very territorial and wary of humans, so I'm goin' to have to get a bit creative to catch one to show you.
>*Removes a flagon from his bag of holding.*
Now here we have some fine ale, one of the core componants of any dwarven diet. We just need the right area to draw out our dwarf.
>*small alleyway, in a fairly low-traffic area of the hold. Steve sets the flagon on a rock.*
Roit, now I just need to draw one here.
>*cups hands to mouth*
FRESH ALE! FINE DWARVEN WORK!
>*~30 seconds later, a wild dwarf appears*
>"Ale? Whar's thas ale?"
>*Dwarf steps into focus, heavily armored, several ridges on the platemail, spiked gauntlets.*
*low whisper*Crikey! I had hoped to get one a' the feistier dwarves, but I ne'er expected this. That's no less than a Battlerager. Just look at that GORGEOUSLY jagged armor! And that BEAUTIFUL beard. Must be at least two centuries old!
>"Allo'? Sum'un menshuned ale?"
>*Dwarf spots flagon, just sitting in the open."
>"Whas' dis, den? Sum'un funnin meh?
Look at how quickly the dwarf goes on full alert, even though I can smell the alcohol on it from here. Well, I've explained all I can from here... Now to go in there and catch it!
>"Ay, 'uman. You da wan funnin' wi' meh? Ya wanna taste o' me spikes?"
>*Dwarf attacks, Steve dodges*
Now, the important thing to remembah when tryin to handle a dwarf, is never make the mistake of underestimatin' their tenacity. They may be short, but they hit harder than an angry emu.
>"WHO YA CALLIN' SHORT?!"
>*Battlerager uses Berzerk. 2nd turn, Battlerager attacks, Steve dodges behind dwarf. Steve grapples, massive success, grabs onto a few of the ridges on the back of the dwarf's plate armor. Lifts dwarf off of the ground*
cont.

>>31524746
>steve =20th level human ranger

Not grappler?

>>31524862
Because of his animal handling skills

>>31524746
patiently waiting for Orcs

>>31524914
>you roll a 1 on your natural empathy check. sting ray attacks
that dm thread?

>>31524746
WOAH! This dwarf must weigh a good hundred kilos, easy!
>"YA CALLIN' MEH HEAVY?!" *Swings fists, struggles*
Woah, easy now. Look at that. Had I not been holdin it like this, I could easily have lost a finger or a hand! Up close, you can see how they get the reputayshun as one of the most durable races goin'! That skin's thicker'n a hippos, and tough as a croc's!
>"If ya don' lemme go, I'mma kill ya!"
Feisty! Now, most people think that the way to tell dwarven genders apart is by looking for a beard. This is untrue, as the females are entirely capable of growing beards as long and luxurious as the males. And seein' as this one has a truly magnificent beard, that's right out.
>"Flattery'll ge' ya flattened, stretch!"
Some look for more visual clues, like a differently shaped breastplate, built to accommodate the busts and wider hips of the females. Again, though, this is not exact, as breast binding can mitigate the need for the extra room up top, and some males have wide hips.
>"By Moradin, what're ya goin' on abou'?!"
No, the only real way to check, is the old fashioned way.
>*Steve shoves his hand up the mail skirt of the dwarf*
>"WOAH! GE' YER PAW 'WAY FROM ME FORGE!"
As I thought, this here's a mature shiela. And judgin' by the length of her beard, the runes in it, as well as the markin's on her armor, I'd say she's about 2 centuries, and been a 'Rager for about one!
>*Damn righ' ya pasty git. An' Imma tear yer marbles off when ya lemme go."
See, even though I've been holdin' 'er, and she's been foightin', for about two minutes, she's still got enough energy to fight some more. That's one of the best features of dwarves: they're resilient as all getout. Far more so than an elf, and more than a human."
>*Slightly smug* "Well, yah. Elves ain' nothin' but sticks. 'least ya humans kin' stan' a good' thrashin'."
cont.

>>31525464
>>31524746
>>31518572
>>31517981
>>31502134
Who's he supposed to be talking to? TV's (and consequently, cameramen) don't exist in fantasyland

>>31525558
Terry, masterscriber, apprentice wrangler and in possession of a magic recording device.
You know, his wife?

>>31525558
The viewers beyond reality of course

>>31525805
Terri, I mean.

>>31525558
TV would just be substituted by means of manipulated scrying spells, between program and adverts. The cameramen are Oracles and Seers.

>>31524862
Skills and feats in grappling.
>>31525464
Now some may see their short size as a disadvantage, and above ground, this may be so. But here, in the underdark, they're in their element. Literally.
Their short, stout bodies are perfect for maneuverin' about tunnels and cramped subterranean alleyways. Their eyes are better in the dark than just about any elf, bar the Drow.
>"Wai'asec? Ya grabbed a drow? Yer a nutter..."
Another marvel of their size is the economy of motion that they show when workin', or fightin'. No fancy flourishes, just simple, efficient, strong movements.
>"Ya forgot we're damned effish- Eefush- simple bu' strong in tha sack as well."
*Ignoring dwarf* Another thing about their species is their incredible aptitude for stone- and metalwork. There's no smith or miner more skilled in their craft than a dwarf. This is due to their natural affinity with the rock around them.
>*Smugly*"Cuz we're children of the stone."
Now one of the biggest misconceptions about dwarves is that they all prefer axes in battle.
>"Only when we wanna pu' a scare inta the tree huggers."
They actually prefer to use spears and shields when underground, as it is best suited to their habitat. A tunnel is not wide enough, usually, to swing a war axe, but a spear can be thrust very easily, and a round shield will protect most of the dwarf's body. That's also why most dwarves adapt their shields to have a section cut out for their spear to fit through.
>*honestly surprised*"Ya know dwarfs pretty well, beanpole..."
Now there are exceptions to this way of fightin' and this here battlerager is one of them. They fight with reckless abandon, using their entire bodies to crush and mangle their enemies.
>*Steve points to the armor*
Now you see how this adamantine fullplate is ridged and studded with spikes? These are the battlerager's main means of attack. They THROW themselves on top of their enemies, and shake like a wallaby on amphetamines.
cont.

Okay, trying to post the last part, but system thinks it's spam. wtf?

>>31525558
>Trying to bring logic into Steve Irwin wrestling a dwarf

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This thread brought back my childhood.
THANKS /TG/!!

>10 attempts to post last part
>Get told it's spam.
Fucking hell.

>>31526751
>>31527006

Remove asterisk, paste in notepad, past back into 4chan.

>>31527028
still nothing...

>>31527111
try chopping it up into smaller parts
its not just good for the real life

This armor is no doubt only a few years younger than this dwarf has been a Battlerager, yet it is as solid and
>raps armor
>"unf"
sturdy as the dwarf herself. She made this armor, and she made it incredibly well.
>"We-Well, thank ye kindly... Mebbe I won' thump ya."
She, no doubt, has a long line of potential mates to choose from. Now, I am going to release her, but before I do, there's one more thing that's so aMAYzing about these dwarves: they can brew some of the finest alcohol around, even though they live in a place with no sunlight. Indeed, the ale in that flagon is a particularly strong and popular brew, Hammersmith's Heather. So when I release her, I will let her have the ale, in the hopes that she will let me leave unharmed.
>"Fer a flagon of Hammersmith's, you could hammer me forge fer a for'nigh."
>releases the dwarf, who immediately rushes the flagon, grabs it, chugs half, sits down, toasts Steve, and goes back to finishing it.
Absolutely gorgeous.
>end of Dwarf.

>>31527395
do octopus girl pls

>>31527395
Missing part, if it passes
The quality of the crafstdwarfship is a testament to their skill as a smith, as well as their skill in battle. See how, with even a slight rub of a cloth the armor shiiines like freshly forged mithral?
>"Watch what'cher doin!"

>>31527448
Part that cause it to be spam was about the armor doubling as a way of attracting mates. wth?

>>31527438
Sorry to disappoint, anon, but I won't be doing anything like that anytime soon. Truth be told, I'm worried about repitition, as the Orc will be my third story in this thread, and my fourth overall "Steve Irwin in a fantasy universe" tale.
The other took place in 40k, and involved the swarmlord.

>>31527567
Oh god

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>>31527567
>The other took place in 40k, and involved the swarmlord.
POST ETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

So Steve Irwin is going around capturing females of different races for study, pissing them off at first but unknowingly seducing them by the end.

God I love you tg.

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>>31527598
Okay.
>>31527583
Yeah, it was in the thread a few months ago about who would be the counterpoint to the grimdark gods/beings. I wrote three stories in that thread. This one, Bob Ross meets Khorne, and Mr. Rogers helps Nurgle improve his life.

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>>31524746
>>31525464
>>31526160
>>31527395

This. Is. BEAUTIFUL.

>>31527689
Oh I remember that thread.
cook mehreens cooking a whole hivefleet

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>>31527851
Yep, THAT thread.

Orc one coming soon. just resting my brain for a few. Have a happy accident to tide you over.

>>31527911
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLO7tCdBVrA

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>Steve is never coming back

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>>31528011
It's ok, he'll live on in our dreams and on our tabletops.

>>31527689
And now I'm wondering if there are australian marines.
What kind of world would they recruit from?

>>31528201
Catachan but the nobles are space marines

>>31528247
But do they have the accent?

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>>31518572

>>31528290
Do catachans have a accent?
then they must have a noble catachan accent.
High gothic spoken in Aussie tongue

Alrighty, here we go. Orc time.
>scene is deep forest on the border of some swampy marshlands. A large Orcish stronghold sits at the edge of the swamp. In front of it, a mighty warlord and his retinue stand watching a commotion over by the forests edge. this commotion has a name: Steve Irwin.
Alright, 'ere we are in the Blood stone marshes. As you can see, this area is home to a particularly large band of Orcs. These ones are led by a fearsome fella that I call Bruce. That's him over there, in center of that group.
>oculus pans to the Warlord, a massive Orc in leather armor, wielding a halberd and a tower shield. The Orc notices Steve, and howls with rage.
Uh oh! Looks like 'e remembas me! 'Ere he comes!
>"Bruce" charges Steve. Steve dodges attacks, and keeps his commentary up.
CRIKEY! That halberd has nasty reach! Bruce isn't pullin' any punches!
>"MY NAME'S BOR'THOKK, DAMNIT! NOT BRUSS!"
>Attempts to trap Steve between two trees, Steve barely makes his escape artist roll.
Wow, he nearly got me that time. I gotta say
>dodges another swipe
Bruce is one diabolically smart fellah!
>"STOP CALLING ME BRUSS!"
Whenever he swings, you can see how powaful 'e is! There's a brutal simplicity to an Orc's movements, but they're sneaky quick to make you pay for a screw up!
>trips on a root, barely evades decapitation, loses his hat.
Now, I'm gonna hafta disarm him if I want to show ya more.
>"I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW!"
He's wise to my tricks, especially
>swipe
after the first two times we've tussled. I'm gonna have a hard time on my hands!
>sudden thrust by Bruce, Steve evades and manages to snatch the halberd out of Bruce's hands. Unfortunately, this opens him up to a vicious blow from the tower shield, which sends him flying.
Ow, that really smarted! I forgot how mean 'e was with that shield. But, with his halberd gone, he's got less reach than before. Now it's just a matter of getting that shield away from him.
cont.

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>>31528011
>>31528114

He made it a point to keep animals close to his heart. One can only keep his memory alive, to be the piercing ray that alleviates the sting of his loss.

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>>31528485
And, of course, prevent a poisonous desire for revenge from sinking its barbs into our hearts.

>>31528011
Have faith. For when the hive fleets draw nigh upon Sol, he will arise to defend us once again.

Really, it'll be like a retirement jog for him. Tyranids are probably easier than Australia.

>>31528485
The best bit is that I think the bastard would have laughed at a joke like that.

>>31528413
I'm not saying that wasn't partial inspiration for the elf's behavior, but I'm not NOT saying it...
>>31528471
>Bruce charges with the shield. Steve grips the shield, drops to the ground, and monkeyflips Bruce overhead, divesting him of the shield
Now that the shield is out of the way, I've gotta get a hold of him.
>Meanwhile, the other Orcs have stopped watching. They know who that human is, and they know that if Bor'Thokk can't handle him, nobody can. Best to go about their business.
C'mon, Bruce. Ya know ya wanna get me good.
>"I will KILL you..."
Oooh he's steamin like a kettle now. Now I have to
>Bruce rushes up, attempts to grapple Steve, fails, gets counter-grappled, winds up face first in the mud.
>"Fffffffuuuuuuu..."
Good try Brucie, but not good enough. As ya can see, an Orc is a real DAYngerous creature, and not to be trifled with by your average bloke. Bruce here is one of the biggest I've evah had a go at: e's over 2 metres, and at least 150 kilos of pure muscle.
>"Not this again."
Now there are some amazing things about Orcs that really set them apart from other races. First and foremost, they live in an extremely martial society: strength rules, and Bruce here's the alpha of his pack.
>"What am I, a warg?"
Next, their tusks. These things can pack a wallop, and with their strongly muscled jaws
>"Let go of my face, pinko."
they have all the bite pressure of a Gnoll. They're even capable of crushing bone.
Now, their skin's a dull green, which helps them blend into the forests and swamps they call home, but they also like to paint themselves in bright, vibrant colors. This serves to scare their enemies, and to entice mates.
>"Why aren't YOU scared..."
Now, their eyes are 'specially good at seein' in the dark, but a bright light will dazzle 'em. But they also have a keen sense a' smell. This makes them excellent hunters and trackers.
>"And yet I can't get the drop on you...Gruumsh, why?"
cont.

>>31529060
>this orc is simply all kinds of sad as the alpha of the tribe and steve gives exactly zero fucks
this amuses me far more then it should.

>>31529060
They're VERY aggressive, as you saw, so handling one like this is a VERY Dayngerous idea. This aggression also lends itself to their mating practices. Like elves, they can mate with a lot of different races, and like elves, their traits tend to be dominant. Unlike elves, Orcs are usually the ones TAKING slaves, instead of becoming slaves. The only exceptions being when the wealthy want a gladiator or bodyguard.
This is still a DAYNGEROUS idea, as an Orc can never truly be tamed.
>"We can have some culture, though. Just sayin'"
Now, you're probably wonderin' "Steve, how're ya gonna get away from him without him tryin to kill ya again. Well, I brought along somethin' I know Bruce likes.
>"You're not leaving here alive, pinky. I swear on my..." *Sniff* "Do I smell Beer-basted Dire Boar?"
>Steve holds the haunch of roasted meat that he pulled from his Bag of Holding in front of Bruce's face.
What some people don't know, is that Orcs have a knack for picking up cooking. This is usually covered up by the fact that they're not very picky eaters. However, if you give them something they like to eat
>"Gruumsh's sake man, don't let it get cold. Lemme up. I'll even let you live. Just gimme that damned roast."
They can be remarkably docile.
>Steve releases Bruce, hands him the roast, and backs off.
Easy. Eeeassy. S'alright Bruce, not gonna hurt ya.
>"Yeah, whatever. I got roast Direboar, piss off."
Lovely creatures.
>end Orc.

>>31528471
>>31529060
>>31529420

I love you.

>>31529420
Excellent work, Anon. I loved all of these stories.

>>31529420
Halfling, next?

>>31529420
How bout Kobolds?

>>31529537
>>31529555
Thanks.
>>31529617
Sadly, no. Burnt out after that one. Think I hit my Steve Irwin limit. Sorry. But maybe someone else can pick up where I left off.

>>31529420
Absolutely amazing.

Someone cap this please?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5KJJba4qwQ
This is the best interview ever.

>>31529617
>Halflings
>dangerous

HAH

>>31529883
Its glorious...

>>31530075
their pretty much fantasy gypsies, and real gypsies are dangerous in their own way

>>31528201
>australian marines

Well, I know what our next worldbuilding project should be.

>>31530075
>*Pins halfling down on the ground, one hand on the neck and the other holding the arms
"Don' let 'er small size fool ya. When they're spooked they are vicious."

>>31530167
That's Kender, Halflings tend to be nicer.

>that said, Steve vs Kender

>>31529883
It really really is.

Not >>31528471 but ill try my hand at >>31530075

"Now this little guy's not very dangerous, but he has quite a sting"
>"Who said that"
"Its easiest to catch these little guys off guard if you come from above"
>"What are you doing in that tree"
"Oh, i think they've seen me, Gotta get them before they scarper"
>"what the fuck are you doing"
>Steve drops from the tree and grabs the Halfling
"If i pull back his pants a bit you can see the stinger strapped to 'is leg"
>"Let go of my leg!"
"They keep these little beauts, choc full of venom to incapacitate victims"
>"Who are you talking to!"
"Now if you see one of these little guys in the wild make sure to keep an eye on them, there crafty little buggers, but mainly harmless."
>"ILL SHOW YOU HARMLESS!"
"CRICKEY!, look at 'im struggle, i'd better let him down now"
>"IM A HER!"
"now then, best way to keep these guys from givin you a sting is to offer them a little token, they LOVE shiny things, so ive brought along this golden bracelet"
>"ooooh, shiny"
"And if i toss this over there and let 'im go then it should let me escape unharmed"
>"is that real gold?"
"right then, step back while i let them down"
>"by Pelor, its 24 carrat!"
"hehe, look at em go, love anything shiny"
>End Halfling

Archive this thread and/or make a page for Steve on 14dchan.

Preferably both.

Also, anyone got stats for Steve?

>>31530526
>Also, anyone got stats for Steve?

Well, he's completely untouchable, has loads of charisma and probably one of the worlds best grapplers.

Ranger seems obvious but I'd say he's most likely a fighter or a monk

>>31528471 here

>>31530470 Pretty good, man.

We need to somehow work stingrays into his stats as a secret weakness.

>>31530672
-18 to his Handle Animal check vs Stingrays?

>>31527689
>Librarian Corwin
Do you mean like Jeff Corwin from the Jeff Corwin Experience?

>>31530572
The question is, what happens when Steve Irwin tries to do a segment on Jackie Chan?

>>31530972

He wouldn't need to. Jackie Chan is human.

>>31531023
>implying mongoloids are human

>>31530972
Steve Irwin trying to catch Jackie Chan in his natural habitat (a ladder factory)?

>>31531023
What if Jackie Chan guest stars on a segment?

>>31531043

Said Mongoloid is possibly one of the most destructive forces on the planet.

Check your privilege white bread.

>>31531069

Might work.

He'd be an Unarmed Swordsage.

>>31531023
What if Steve thinks Jackie is a shapeshifter in disguise or something?

>>31531143

Doppelganger? That would probably work.

He'd have to apologize at the end though.

>>31531168
But what if he was given bad intel and the real one shows itself to gloat, then gets double teamed by Jackie and Steve?

>>31531084
my privilege is wonder brand thank you very much

>>31530930
Yep. Jeff Corwin, Terri, the Gator Boys, and Turtleman from Call of the Wildman.

>>31531065

Can someone explain the whole Jackie Chan, ladder factory thing to me?

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Dwarf capped.

>>31531261
Basically, in every Jackie Chan Movie, he gets surprised/attacked by foes near ladders/chairs/etc. He then proceeds to demolish said foes, even if he's outnumbered 100 to one. This also happens around crying babies, when he's drunk, and if Chris Tucker or Owen Wilson are nearby.

>>31531358

Ahh, alright.

>>31531237

>Wonder Brand
>Not Hostess

Disgusting. Kill yourself.

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>>31531326
Aand Orc capped.

>>31531382
>hostess
>not mayo
your amerifat is showing. you will never be truly white

>>31531378
Also, the enemies have to deal with Dante must Die mode if he ever says "I want no trabul!"

>>31531508

>Implying I'm white

At least I'm not a Eurofag.

>>31531382
>>31531508
Pepperridge master race here

>Captcha : Lesworld near

Yes capthca I would love to live near les-world

>>31531638

Wouldn't we all.

>>31531638
Who wouldn't?

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>>31528471
>These ones are led by a fearsome fella that I call Bruce.

Oh God. My sides.

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recently saw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5KJJba4qwQ#start=0:00;end=12:33;cycles=-1;autoreplay=false;showoptions=false
watching it made me feel so sad that hes gone. still remember feeling like shit when i heard of his death, and I always wanted be like him.
part of my childhood died that day

Well, that was rather fun to roll up a grapple fighter in the vein of Steve Irwin.
Is a 47 DC to escape a grab at level 21 in 4e high?

bump

>>31530075
They are small enough to uppercut your dick.

Have you never actually tried fighting a midget, little shits are angry as fuck.

>>31535549
I have no clue, as I've never played D&D
Now if it was Anima, he'd be fairly easy.
15 STR: for opposed checks in grapples
13 CON: for being tossed around a lot, and physical/venom/disease resists
15 DEX: easier time attacking, boosts sneak as well
15 AGI: he's a slippery bugger, and his athletic skills are amazing
13 PER, because nothing really sneaks up on him
8 Int: he's no genius, except when it comes to Animals(Which he has 440 in)
POW 8: He does stand out in a crowd.
WP 8: He's not really freaked out by any big nasty thing, and he's tenacious as a wolverine.
No starting weapon, instead he took Grappling, and never looked back.
Attack 440, Dodge 440
Secondaries: Animals 440
Notice, Search and Track 320
Herbal Lore 200
Stealth and Hide 100
Every Athletic Skill 380
Every Vigor Skill 180
Sleight of Hand 200(Guess why...)

>>31530672
The stingray is the lady of pain in stingray form.

That's why.

>>31537843
This makes far to much sense.

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>>31537843
>lady of pain

pfft that inter-dimensional tart is highly over rated

>>31538027
>to

>>31532797
>we knew he'd get eaten by a crocodile
I guess he didn't go the way he wanted to

>>31517981
>>31524746
and >>31528471 here. I though I was done with Steve Irwin when I went to sleep last night. But I forgot: nobody's done with Steve, until Steve's done with you.
That being said, my mind is flying right off of the rails, and crashing into Stevetown. The time is nigh for a new story, and this ones a CR22 doozy.

>scene: a cave in a long-dead volcano. the oculus follows Steve as he picks his way over skeletons, corpses, and shattered armor.
Now, this here's the lair of a reeeaaalll DAYNgerous beastie. Lookit all the bodies and skelatans lyin' around. This is DEFinitely the home of an apex predatah. We're gonna have to be reeeal cautious not to wake 'er too soon.
>cut to further in the cave: a colossal form rests amid piles of coins, gems, and other treasures. Steve approaches the mouth of the chamber.
Right, now, you can't really see 'er, but somewhere in that pile of treasure rests the creature we're lookin' for. Dependin' on how old she is, she could be righ' in front of us, since the gems and gold they sleep on has a habit of getting stuck into their hides.
>Slightly further in, a pair of magma-red orbs, devoid of visible pupils, opens. Skyrr'ix, the Hellbreather, watches the puny(and surprisingly unarmed or armored) human, her immense head positioned to one side of the entrance.
Now, I've gotta locate 'er, but I can't risk waking 'er. So I'm gonna have to slip in there, and hope I don't disturb anythin'.
>Skyrr'ix watches, amused, as the human sneaks towards the mound of treasure where her tail rests.
Oh oh oh! Lookit that. See that bit of Daaark red? that's the tip of 'er tail. Right there! Almost missed it. See how the scales are studded with random gems and coins? I'd wager this dragon's been nappin' here for a good century or two. I'm gonna wake 'er up!
>Steve reaches for the tip of Skyrr'ix's tail. Skyrr'ix moves the tip just out of range of his hand.
Ohho, she must be dreamin' lookit how the tail twiched like that! That reminds me, though, I better trace the tail, so I can tell where the head is. Don't want to get a nasty surprise.
>Steve starts looking along the length of the tail, following it back to the body. Skyrr'ix closes her eyes, and pretends to be asleep. *This human is so gullible*

>>31539314
the [] are Skyrr'ix speaking in Draconic
Cor, there's 'er head! Ain't she a beaut? Sixty metres, easy, probably a good two hundred tons! Definitely a Grayt Wurm! She's gotta be at least fifteen hundred years old! Lookit how deep red those scales are! And those jaws look like they could swallow a horse and carriage whole! Good thing she isn't awake yet, I'd be a goner for sure by now!
>*heheh, stupid human*
Right! Now, I'm gonna wake her, try to get her goin'. The best way for me to do that, is to grab the tip of 'er tail, like so. Now I just need to give'er a tug.
>"GROAAAAR" Skyrr'ix snaps her eyes open, and lunges at Steve. Steve ducks behind her tail, fairly easily avoiding the attack.
Woah! that was close! Did you see the way she came right at me?! Those teeth are easily the size of a broadsword, and she's got a mouth FULL of 'em. One wrong move on my part and it's WHACK, no more Steve!
>[It's been a while since someone was foolish enough to brave my lair. Your life depends on how amusing you are to me.]
Now I've got her attention, it's time to keep 'er going.
>Steve yanks her tail again. Reactionary snap of jaws, followed by an artful dodge on his part.
Oooh she's riled now! good thing we're in this chamber, otherwise she'd probably be up in the air on those huuuge wings of hers, trying to dive-bomb me!
>[Yes, "lucky." Keep believing that, human] Skyrr'ix swipes at Steve. He barely avoids the hit, but loses his hat.
Yowza! Those claws are right nasty! Big as a direwolf's head! I'm lucky I only lost my hat! Gotta keep up the pressure on this girl, though, if I wanna be able to rassle her!
>[You want to WHAT?!] during this time, Steve has stepped in front of the entrance to the chamber, where there is no treasure. [You will never get the chance! DIE!]
>Skyrr'ix unleashes her fire breath blasting Steve full force.

>>31539629
>[Foolish human! Had you not aspired to touch my glorious hide, you would have lived long- wait.]
>Fire clears, Steve is unharmed. [No. No! Why aren't you dead?!]
CRIKEY, that was a close one! If it hadn't been for my ring of Fire Immunity, I'd'a been charred like a shrimp!
>[So you came prepared. I will enjoy adding that ring to my collection of magic trinkets!]
>Skyrr'ix lunges at Steve.
Woah now! She doesn't let up! Well, neither do I!
>cue about an hour of Steve baiting Skyrr'ix with tail tugs, and the occasional tap on the snout. Skyrr'ix is beginning to feel tired.
>[Damn you, mortal, why won't you die?]
>Begins casting a spell.
Uh oh, looks like she's done playin' around. I betta do something to break her concentration or I'm a goner!
>Steve rushes along the length of Skyrr'ix's tail.
>[In the name of Tiamat, god-mother of dragons I int-AI-YAI-YAI! WHAT THE HELLS?!]
Now, the best way to determine the gender of a dragon is the same way you would for most reptiles. Just get yer hand in their cloaca an' give a feel. This one here is a female.
>[GAAAAH! YOUR HANDS ARE COLD! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!]
She looks real steamed now!
>cue another hour of him playing "tug the dragon's tail."
>[How... H-how are you still going?]
Right, she's lookin' tuckered now. Now's my chance! I'm gonna dive in and try to pin 'er.
>Grapple check, GREAT SUCCESS.
>[Get off of me, damnit! How are you, a mere human, pinning me to the ground?]
Wow, that was a fight and a half! Now that I got her pinned, though, I can show ya some of the truly BEAU-tiful features of this wondrous creature, up close.
>[Get off of my back!]
Check out these wings! Span's gotta be at least fifty metres! These babies can get 'er through the are at an easy 40 kilometres an hour, 90 if she hustles.
See how the dorsal spines run the entire length of the back, from her head down to the tip of her tail? GORgeous!
>[Let me go, now!]
Easy, girl, easy...

>>31528485

You bastard, you made me laugh a little, and then I cried a little.

I miss Steve. : (

>>31502134
>Steve Irwin Wrestling Lolth to exhaustion

Australia is the Underdark in direct sunlight

>>31502253
I wonder if the Illithid have made manta Ray monsters with Cerebromorphisis yet.

>>31531452
>>31531326

Good effort, mate, but next time, take a moment to resize your browser, so that the text doesn't stretch across.

Think of it like a book -- you want it to be taller, not broader.

Like a woman.

>>31540043
Speakin' of her head, notice how she's got this ruff of scales around the base of her skull? These are a great indicator of her age. See how their tips are black as night? She's definitely over 1400 years old. And lookat these jaws and teeth!
>[Wiw youf le' goh uf myh lifs?]
The muscles hooked to 'er jaws can put about ten tons of pressure on something at the tip of her fangs. That's enough for 'er to bite through a Granite Golem in one go! Now, on to these feet!
>[Let me go! Please?]*I can't believe I just said please*
Look at the muscles in these toes. These give 'er a strong enough grip to pick up an enTIRE mammoth in each paw. If she really wanted to, she could grab a Tarrasque.
>[That might be bit too much...]
Now, on to this GORgeous tail.
>[My... My tail?]
See how long and sinuous it is? Just look at the way the muscles shift under her scales. Just touching her tail, I can feel 'er powah!
>[H-hands off...]
Like an Iguana, she can whip this beaut around hard and fast - CRACK! - hard enough to break open a castle wall, or split a stone giant in two.
>[I AM proud of it...]
Now red dragons, like this beauty, are some of the most powerful chromatics goin'. Their scales are hard as adamantine, and they breathe fire that can melt mithral.
>[...You're smart, for a human.]
They're also incredibly cunnin', and are one of the smartest bein's in all the realms.
>[THE smartest, if you discount the gods]
They also are skilled magic users, and some dragons like to shapeshift into humanoids when they're bored, to explore cities in search of wealth.
>[...And the occasional mate]
Now, dragons are another creature that can mate with just about anything. And, like Orcs, Elves, and Giants, their traits tend to be dominant. This is also where their shapeshifting comes into play, as most things would have a hard time mating with their true form.
>[We females have it easier though. There's always an adventurous bard or two who would be down to try it]

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It's already been said, but it really needs reiterating

>>31540547
Now, the hard part is going to be releasin her, without her tryin' ta kill me. That was why I tuckered her out earlier, but you can never be too cautious. Just to be safe, I've brought along a few expensive items, and some platinum coins, hopefully this will keep her placid enough to let me leave in peace.
>[Your offering is...acceptable. Besides, you're an interesting human]
Right, now... Easy... Easy... There we go. Aaand, she's free. Wow, look at the way she moves, so fluid and graceful. GORgeous.
>[... Call me?]

>>31540322
So what, like half width?

>>31540660

Yes.

>>31540547
>>31540639
My sides are long out of the solar system.

10/10, you glorious based bastard, you.

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>>31539314
>>31539629
>>31540043
>>31540547
>>31540639
Ah man, thank you writefag. These made my day.

>>31539314
>I'd wager this dragon's been nappin' here for a good century or two. I'm gonna wake 'er up!
Classic Steve

>>31540639
>>31540547
>>31540043
>>31539629
>>31539314

oh man, these are fantastic. any chance of another episode?

>>31517981
>>"Nee'vas seenaide, ynah seent"[holding hands, how lewd]
Oh god

>>31541978
If inspiration wrassles my brain into submission, yeah. But so far nothing concrete.

>>31542799
We'll wait patiently.

>>31542903
Not the original writer but this thread has put the idea of Steve Irwin going around examining fantasy creatures in my head.

Can't think of a creature to do though

>>31543225
Here's a decently sized list.
>http://www.d20srd.org/indexes/monsters.htm

>>31543225
You could try a vampire.

>>31543225
BEHOLDER.

They're just narcissistic enough for this to work.

>>31543351
Now y'gotta watch out for these fangs...

Perfect

>>31543509
Now judgin' by this Sheila's clothin' and skin, she must be just under six handred years old. Now I can't afford to dally around 'er coffin fer too long or I'll be turned into a bloodsucka meself!

>>31543225
How about a Night Hag? Or maybe a succubus if you don't want things to get _that_ weird.

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>>31543225

>>31525464
>GE' YER PAW AWAY FROM ME FORGE
lost it

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>>31521015

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>>31543986
these people know no shame

>>31540639
You win /tg/ right now.
Also the bard part. I think my sides are in another plane right now.

>>31543711
What is that golden aboleth? And why has so many eyes?

>>31543225
Beholders.

>>31542799 here
Sorry, gang. Looks like I'm all tapped out. Glad you got a few chuckles out of my writefaggotry, though. I'll go back to being just another anon for now. But if the mood strikes me, and a thread's idea takes my fancy, you can bet I will write again.
Until then, keep his wonder alive, and remember: even the most dangerous things are beautiful to someone.

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>>31547841
You're being the exactly person Ace Rimmer knows you can be.
Farewell, anon.

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Dragon capped.

>>31548376
Beautiful.

>"Oi! He's a beauty he is! Look at those serrations on that blade head!"

>"Oi! Now, remember, kids, these beauts bleed Kaiju Blue, so to properly kill 'em without meltin' the city, you gotta wrestle 'em! Like one of the ol' crocs down under, eh, mates?"
*Cue awesome scene of giant Steve Irwin crocodile wrestling Slattern into submission.

>Crickey! She's a fighter! Ya gotta be careful around these Cat 4s, sometimes they've got special abilities like... oh there she goes, look at that acid spit! What a beut! You're alright, calm down, calm down... what a sheila!

postan hoping op will return

>>31548850
If Irwin were alive today he would've gotten a cameo in Pacific Rim, and you know it would've been great

>Today, we're gonna take a look at the various organisms that live on the Kaiju! Ovah heah we've got a skin mite, and it's still alive!
Usually skin mites die soon after their host kaiju dies. We can rescue this sheila here if we just immerse her in ammonia. The ammonia is actually critical to the skinmites respiratory system, which is completely different from most other complex organism!

>>31549622
>a cameo

>been one of the jaeger pilots

Well, we can dream at any rate.

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>>31549703
Implying he wouldn't be one of the kaiju.

Has this been archived yet?

>>31550237
Yes it has.

Also has captcha broken for anyone else? 90% of the time it won't show up if I start typing.

>>31550267
There are still users without Passes?

>>31550320
Well apparently. It would explain why things are so slow tonight.

>>31550320
Well I can see A captcha now but it's the kind where you have to copypaste some text. The inline images seem to be broken.

Didn't moot say that less than .5% of channers have a pass? Maybe that's changed, it's been a while.

>>31550589
really, that few? Damn, now that I've had one I'll never NOT buy one. Makes things so much easier and better.

>>31551434
It just seems to be such a little thing to pay money for. A tiny inconvenience.
Also, bumping.

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>>31549907
>>31549703
>>31549622
>Steve Irwin wrestling the Jaegers down and talking to a Kaiju camerman

I was happy for a second.
Then I realised that it will never happen

>>31520831
>>31520937
There's a new contender in the CoC style games.
http://www.euphoriantide.com/index
This one comes with a character viewer ingame.

>>31547841 here, I'm back for one last hurrah. I spent all of yesterday figuring out how to do a final one, with no success, but it hit me when i woke up. I present to you, elegan/tg/entlemen and ca/tg/irls, my final work for this thread. I present: the human.

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>>31556771
this gun be gud.

if Steve is talking about humans as if he is one, does that make him a divine entity?

>>31556771
>Middle of a fairly large town/small city. Daytime. Lots of different races going to and fro. The sky is incredibly overcast, and the sun is completely hidden behind the wall of clouds.
>Steve is seated in an open air bar/restaurant, one that's fairly deserted, due to it being off hours, and renovations. There are ladders and scaffolding along the wall. In the background, an incredibly drunk man sits at a table, trying to calm an infant in a basket.
So, I've had a lot of mail from you, the viewah, asking me all sorts of questions. Now some of them were love lettahs from things I've wrassled, but othas asked a good question.
>Holds up one, reads it.
"Steve, how are ya able to get in there and rassle such varied creatures? No human could be that strong. How do you manage it? Are you a wizahd? Signed, Bor'Thokk, Warlord of the Blood Stone Marshes"
Well, Bruce, I am actually not a wizahd. In fact, I'm considered a 'rangah' by most people. I use no tricks, no magic of any sort, just my own body, and all the knowledge I've gayned ovah the yeahs. But you, and several other viewahs, have been askin' "what makes a human so special." Well, today I'll explain that to ya!
>In the background, the drunk is trying to get the baby to laugh. Silly faces are having no effect. The drunk goes to stand, and trips on his chair. The infant starts to giggle.
>"Oh, baby likes silly tumbling?"
>drunk starts "crashing" about.
Now, most humans, to look at 'em, ain't got much goin' for us! We're, on average, nowhere NEAR as nimble as an elf, as strong as an Orc, as skilled with forgin' as a dwarf, or as long lived as a dragon. Most of us only live a few dozen years at best, and we spend most of that time fightin' among ourselves, or against other races. These wars are usually motivated by all sortsa things: greed, inequality, perceived slights, et cetra. So what makes us so special? Well, first of all, we're incredibly adaptable.

>>31557017
You name a place with resources, air to breathe, and food, and we'll bloody well attempt to live there. An' we usually succeed. That is, until we anger the indigenous creatures.
>In the background, the drunk is now acting like a chimpanzee, and the baby is cackling with glee.
Now this adaptability is down to two things. Our incredible ability, and drive, to learn new things. If we're not as strong as an Orc, we figure out Orcish fightin' tactics. Not as lithe as an elf? We'll train with elfin rangah's on subtlety. Not as good at metalwork as a dwarf? We'll seek out a dwarven smith that's willin' to take on a human apprentice. And sure, we still might not end up as good as them, but we can get close, and we can pass that on to our families, which spreads the knowledge among our race.
The second key part of our adaptation, is that, like a lot of races, we can breed with just about everything. The only difference, and this is a major one, is that our traits tend to be recessive, or in some cases, more subtle. Now most of you are probably thinking: "Steve, aren't half-humans shunned by their race?"
The answer is 'no,' and that's perhaps one of our greatest strengths. We are one of the only races that will not only accept mixed races, but we will flat out ADOPT children of otha families, or indeed, other races.
>Oculus zooms in on the drunk and the basket. The drunk is human. One of the baby's arms becomes visible, and it's dark purple, long, and lean. Drunk sticks his finger out, and the baby grips it, giggling and burbling. The finger is suddenly encased in fairy fire.
>"Oh! Oh! Baby give uncle Jackie the burning finger!
>The drunk starts flailing his finger around, pantomiming panic. The drow baby is cackling madly.
Now, back to the question at hand. How am I able to rassle things so well? Well, I've learned, what will and won't work over the years, but I got my start young.

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>>31557017
>Signed, Bor'Thokk, Warlord of the Blood Stone Marshes.
>"Well, Bruce,..."

Beautiful.

>>31557206
But, it wasn't always easy. I had a few run-ins where things didn't go so well.
>A group of strangers in tight-fitting, dark clothes that completely cover their bodies slink towards the stranger, their eyes hidden behind sun-blocking goggles.
But that's another thing about humans. We can be stubborn an tenAYcious as all get-out, and we'll learn from our mistakes. I kept tryin' to understan' the DAYngerous animals that I shared my home with, and I started to succeed.
>"Human, give us that drow child, it belongs to Morthis, Opener of Veins!"
>baby starts crying.
>"I- I want no trabul!"
>"HUMAN, this is your LAST warning. Hand over the baby."
>Jackie takes up a slightly defensive stance near the basket. He is incredibly drunk though, so he seems a tad wobbly on his feet. The Vampire ninjas move to attack.
And now, I can tackle any creature there is, without hurtin' em. It's because I drove myself, pushed myself to try to understand and identify with some of the meanest, NASties creatures the Outback had to offer. And they started to respond to me.
>Jackie trips on a chair. attempting to stabilize himself, he accidentally grabs the mask off of one of the vampire ninjas, just as the sun comes out from behind the clouds. The vampire bursts into flames. The chair, meanwhile, has shattered, and two of it's legs have SOMEHOW managed to stake two of the other ninjas. Jackie, attempting to regain his balance, stumbles headlong into one of the ladders, which gets lodged on his shoulders.
Now, you take that human spirit, and you apply it to anything: smithing, wizardin', being a great bard,
>Two of the remaining four ninjas are advancing on Jackie at this point, wielding short swords. The other two have shortbows, and fire on Jackie. In attempting to dislodge the ladder, he manages to knock a table on it's side, blocking the arrows. The two sword wielders assault him, but can't get past the ladder, instead their swords take slices off of the legs.

>>31557425
>Vampire ninjas
Amazing.

>>31557425
>"I-I want no trabul!"
HEREWEGO.Jjpg

>>31557425
>>31557497
>vampire ninjas
So assamite

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>>31557425
>>"I- I want no trabul!"
THIS IS GOING WONDROUS PLACES

>>31557425
Even fightin', and you will get a truly powerful person.
>One of the sword wielders gets tripped up on a chair, and impales himself on the sharpened ladder leg, bursting into flames. The other has been chopping through the rungs of the ladder, though, and finally manages to split the ladder. Unfortunately for him, this leaves Jackie with an improvised Bo staff. The two archers advance towards the baby.
>Steve finally notices what's been going on.
CRIKEY! This whole time I been talkin' seems things've been gettin' outa hand. Those vampires're lookin to nick that little drow kid that my friend Jackie Chan found innawoods! Oy, over here!
>The archers notice Steve, and fire at him.
Woah! No 'esitAYtion at all! These blokes are right nasty! I'm gonna try to draw 'em AWAY from the babe.
>The remaining swordsman is being trounced badly, taking repeated blows from the ladder staff. He finds an opening, and puts his energy into a two handed sweep, aimed at Jackie's head. However, Jackie slips on one of the broken rungs lying around, and falls to the floor. The swing of the sword instead chops through one of the scaffolding's struts, which causes a minor collapse. One of the metal pipes on top of the scaffold plummets down and impales the swordsman, turning him to ash.
>As all this was happening, the remaining pair of ninjas have put away their bows, and are advancing on Steve with swords and daggers.
See how these fellas are advancin' in a pair, switchin' off on attacks, to keep me wrong-footed? Just like a packa Wargs! One wrong move, and I'm a goner for sure! Now scarin' em won't work, they're immune to that sorta thing, so I'm gonna have to get creative to keep my skin intact.
>Steve notices a large crust of bread, abandoned by a patron during the fighting, as well as some feathered shadows overhead.
Time to to improvise!
>He grabs the crust of bread, crumbles it, and throws it at one of the ninjas.

>>31557684
>*COCOOO!* A flock of Dire Pigeons descend on the ninja, pecking and accosting him.
Even though they're city critters, Dire Pigeons are not something to be trifled with. They'll scrap over any bread, and they've been known to shred each otha in the process.
>The ninja goes to pull one of the birds off, but it's claws are wedged in the fabric of his mask. As the bird gets removed, so does the mask, and the ninja bursts into flames. The remaining ninja throws a small stone in his hip pouch on the ground, before turning and attempting to assault Jackie, who was coming to help Steve and the baby.
>"Gah! Bad day, bad day, VERY BAD DAY!"
Bugga, he's gonna hurt 'im if I don't do somethin!
>Steve grabs a glass of water and throws it at the ninja. the glass shatters, and the vampire suddenly BURSTS INTO FLAMES.
Woah, what the heck just happened?!
>On the same table where the water was, lies a book of Pelor. A priest had been eating here.
Jackie, you alright?
>"Aiyaaa. Is baby okay?"
Yeah, Jackie.
>The stone thrown starts to rumble. A black portal opens up, and out steps a positively IMMENSE Vampire Ninja Lord.
>"So you defeated my henchmen... I am almost impressed. However, that means nothing. I, Morthis, am too powerful for the sun and holy water to affect me. You fools have kept me from godhood long enough. I WILL have that child, the Ritual WILL be completed, and I WILL. RULE. THIS. WORLD."
>"Uh oh..."
E's an angry one, all right...
>The oculus transmits all of this

>>31557899
I genuinely think that, upon seeing a pissed off godlike being, this is the exact reaction Steve would have given.

>>31557899
>Morthis launches his attack, backhanding Steve over three tables. Then he turns his ire on Jackie.
Ow, crikey. 'E hits like a Tarrasque. That's definitely a vampire lord. Think one of my ribs is bruised. Still, s'long as I live, I ain't givin' up.
>Jackie, meanwhile, is hard pressed, as the alcohol is starting to wear off, and Morthis is an incredibly skilled opponent. Morthis lands a haymaker, sending Jackie crashing into Steve, just as the latter regains his footing. He approaches the basket and lifts the crying drow infant out of it.
>"You have kept me waiting long enough, now you will bear witness to my ASCENSION."
>the ground under the Vampire Lord suddenly buckles, and one of his legs falls in.
>"What the-AAARGH!" he yanks his leg up, and the adamantite tip of a spear is firmly embedded in it.
>"That'll learn ya, ya durned leech!"
>Morthis flails a bit, accidentally throwing the baby. Jackie manages to catch it. A series of Mithral-tipped Arrowheads slams into Morthis' back. A lithe figure on a distant rooftop lowers it's longbow.
>"Se'vas yrika da vika, gika."*Nobody threatens my man, bitch.*
>A bright red portal opens next to Steve and Jackie. A massive Orc steps out and begins laying into the Vampire Lord.
Cor! Brucie!
>"MY-*THWACK*-NAME-*SLASH*-IS-*STAB*-BOR'THOOOOOK!" Bruce finishes up with a massive shield bash, which staggers the Vampire lord out into the middle of the street.
>"You foolish creatures! You will regret making an enemy of me, I will destroy you all! YOU ARE NOTHING! I HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR 700 YEARS! YOU ARE CHILDREN TO ME! YOU ARE WORMS! YOU ARE- huh?!"
>A massive reptilian head is feet from him, smoke billowing from it's nostrils.
>[Children should mind their Gods' damned manners, lest they be punished]
>"NO! NOOOO-" Skyrr'ix unleashes the full fury of her fire breath. Morthis is vaporized instantly.
>as suddenly as they appeared, the four have gone...
one last post

>>31558237
>"Steven, I am confuse."
Crikey... I dunno what just happened. But I think I've met that lot before...

>Steve Irwin, the man who had all creatures in his heart, left bits of himself in the hearts of those same creatures.

>and somewhere, his spirit is wrassling a spectral crocodile. We miss ya, Steve. You were one of a kind.

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>>31558310

I am so happy and sad right now.

>>31558310
Sorry if this last story got a little sappy/cliche at the end. I felt it needed to be done, since he did seem to have that magnetism about him IRL.

>>31558327

Nah, it's good man.

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>>31517981
>>31518572

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>>31558327
Well done you beautiful person.
it was perfect.

I am not any of the previous writefags but I will pick up the gauntlet.

Gimme a critter anon

>>31558601
Chaos Space Marine.

>>31558634
I'm game. Now what if it was Kharn?

>>31557017
>Signed, Bor'Thokk, Warlord of the Blood Stone Marshes"
Oh hey he called him by his actual name.
>Well, Bruce
I lost it.

>>31558601

Harpy, Medusa, Owl bear, Drow, etc. I'm not fussy.
Drow is probably higher on my list though

>>31558646
Kharn is such a great guy they'd go out for beers instead.

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Finale capped.

>we pan across a desolate and blasted wasteland. Mounds of corpses and skulls litter the ground. Blood flows in torrents.
>a pile of skulls shifts and the camera jumps back urgently
"Naow today we're after something rheally dangerous"
>Steve points and the camera follows. Atop a nearby mound of corpses stands Kharn, He is back to back with a fellow beserker. As he eviscerates one challenger, he grips the spilling entrails and uses them to garrotte his erstwhile comrade.

>the camera returns to Steve

"Croikey just look at him. You can see why they call him the betrayer! Look at those muscles as his strangles his mate!"
>Kharn drops the corpse
"HE MUST'VE DISAGREED WITH SOMETHING *he gestures at the other gutless beserker* HE ATE!"
>Steve starts to move very fast as Kharn laughs at his own joke standing alone on a pile of corpses. Just as Kharn places a strangely familiar looking peaked cap back on his head. Steve is in mid air.

*grapple* "WHAT IS THIS ANOTHER CHALLmmmmfuuuuuuuuuu"

>Steve has Kharn pinned atop the mound of corpses. Gorechild sits embedded in another body several feet away.

"What a beaut! Favoured of Khorne himself! Kharn the Betrayer Naow here take a look at oowowo e's a flighty one!

>more grappling, Kharn is now face down and slowly digging a little hole with the force of his blood curdling roars.

>>31558646
Kharn is furious at losing their fight but even angrier over the fact that Steve refuses to give him a glorious death in a battle.

Later Kharn goes on a rampage that devastates several planets in a futile attempt to calm down his rage.

>>31558807
"Just look at that ahmour, it's well over ten millenia old. See those symbols? Signs of devotion to his god all over it. It's blood red and covered in skulls he's taken. 'es not a subtle one is he?

>KHARN ALSO ENJOYS PAINTING!

"Let's get a look at that axe! A fine thing for him to be carrying about, just look at that thing, why if I didn't have him pinned so well he'd be polishing my skull already.

>KHARN IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE MURDER!

"Naow the thing about Kharn, although they call him the betrayer he's actually got a reputation as a pretty decent bloke. Let's see if we can piss him off!

>>31558879
>MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS

"But a beserker is pissed off all the time. So what I'm going to do is a bit of reverse psychology."

>Steve strengthens his hold and settles in. Kharn thrashes. Kharn struggles. Planets are born. Planets die. Kharn goes limp.

"See even a being of limitless rage gets tired. Now we can get a proper look at him."

>we pan down a bit to a restrained Kharn.

"Who knows how many skulls he's taken for the skull throne, what a a specimen, but now, he's meek as a kitten. It'd be wrong to love such a maaajestick creature in this state.

>Steve slowly, carefully rises, and points into the distance.

"Look Kharn! Emperor's Children and one of them is playing 4th ed D&D!

>>31558310

Wherever you are, whoever you may be, I hope you're gonna have exclusively awesome days for the rest of your life.

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I have never been so happy and so sad at the same time. I'm feeling all kinds of feels.

damn that stingray

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>>31550320
>>31551434
Moot plz go

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>>31558310

>>31530526
GURPS stats would be Strength+50 (without HP increase) [450], Enhanced dodge 10 [150], and Damage resistance 40 [20]. He'd also have absurdly high levels of Nature!, Brawling, and stuff like that.