>>33660810
TG is always up for storytime

dont suck though, TG is never up for bad storytime

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>>33660810

We had expected some sort of priority mission. We had expected to be the heroes who went in behind the enemy, or were dispatched to save a key position, or led the valiant charge. Instead we were put in a bloody trench and told to Hold The Line.

The Orks came, and we killed them.

The Orks came again, and we killed them.

The Orks came again, and we killed them again, but now we were low on ammo.

The Orks came again, and some of us died.

The Orks came again, and brought a tank and the rest of us died, except for me, I ran.

The first session ended there, with our first (sorta) set of characters dead in the trenches. We agreed it was a proper introduction to the life of a 40k guardsman, and got ready for the next day’s session where we expected to finally be sent on our mission.

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>>33660982

The second session started with us watching my character’s execution by the Commissar. Then we were put back in the same bloody trench and told to Hold The Line. We did better this time, we actually held out long enough for fresh ammo and reinforcements to come up, but in the end we died. Then we brought up new characters and did it again in another part of the trenches. Then again. Then again.

We were rolling up new characters between turns now, either to bring in as reinforcements, or for when we had to start up as a new unit. Very rarely we would survive long enough to be rotated to the rear, or take a non-fatal injury and get evaced, usually we all died. Finally after 3 in game days and something like 100 pc deaths, we were told to Charge.

>>33660920
TG is always up for bad storytime. Making fun of bad roleplayers is what TG is about.

I'm sure OP will supply a nice batch of grimderp for us to mock, because I can't remember the last GOOD warhammer storytime we got.

>>33661086
>100 pc deaths
Holy fuck.

As much as I like the feel of the Imperial Guard and OW, that's a little excessive.

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>>33661086

We bitched hard when we heard this, it was a fucking death sentence. Our characters had done well this time, we were all still alive and ammo levels were good, we knew we could have held out much longer in our nice safe trenches. Our DM asked us if we wanted to lodge our complaints In Character, so we shut up and Charged. We died like fucking animals.

We fought on the left flank of the charge, then on the right, then got to play our first armored characters in the center. When the charge failed we played as a basilisk crew covering the retreat. Then our regiment was rotated off the front.

Our regiment had lost a third of its strength in that first engagement. Out of over 100 pcs, about 10 lived, and five of those were artillerymen who never saw the enemy. We were shown the battle map, we were shown where our squads held or failed, we were shown how our charge weakened the enemy for the fresh (and much more valuable) reserve troops to come up and break them. We were given a summary of the next few months of light skirmishes and mustering, then we were sent into battle against Traitor Guard.

>>33661160
I can take a damned week to make a character, I can't imagine going through 100 in a session.

After #3 I'd just play That Guy Steve with 10000000000 Identical Siblings Who Are Also Named Steve

Guy must have a fucked up relation with his DM

>>33661280
Something seems wrong. High lethality games are fine, but there is a point were it becomes ridiculous.

>>33661322
At this point it's a strategy game.

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>>33661213

We were taking a city this time, and once again our regiment acted as the cannon fodder. We secured and pushed, and secured and pushed, and died and died and died. We decided we’d take the Orks back any day, at least with them it was obvious who the enemy was and their snipers and heavy weapons teams were NOTHING compared to what we were fighting here. We were higher level this time and better at the game, but still we died in droves leaving only a few PCs alive when our regiment was stood down while a veteran regiment took the lead.

Once again we got to see the nice little map of our progress, and we got a warm fuzzy feeling when we saw how our stubborn defense of one building had crippled an enemy advance, but we were exhausted. Our DM pressed us to play fast and make new characters faster, we would roll up Lil Jimmy who lied about his age to enlist, then have him bleeding out in a pile of rubble within 15 minutes. It drained us. We were actually glad to take the evening off from playing and just watch movies and shit.

>>33661332
Or you're playing Death Korps of Krieg.

Which can be fun. But 100 PC deaths? Too much for a game.

>>33661332
It really was, our DM was playing dawn of war with US. He made us roll up every single unit and RP them to their miserable deaths while he teched up to baneblades or whatever.

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>>33661339

The final day of our marathon started with more Orks, but this time we won. That’s not to say we didn’t die like frogs in a blender, but we fucking won. We pushed them out of their barricades, and hounded them across the plains when they routed. I played a gunner in a salamander during the chase and mowed down greenskins like ugly blades of grass. We partied like champs in the bumfuck town we liberated, and settled in for a few months of boring garrion before we got redeployed. Then we fought some Tyranids.

It was only a splinter fleet so we actually had a chance, but it was hell. Our regiment was defending an evac point on some grassy agri-world and it was trench work again. We burned off the grass to clear lines of fire, dug ourselves into the rich soil, set up the heavy weapons and watched the edge of the burn area like hawks (Trigger-happy hawks as it turned out, we wound up failing a spot-check and killing the first few retreating PDF to come through the grass). When the Tyranids came it was ridiculous. We mowed down wave after wave of gaunts, but unlike Orks Tyranids don’t lose morale and break, they just keep coming as fast as you can kill them. We stopped using actual dice for a while, just so we could roll combat faster.

>>33661411
Why do all the guardsmen in the pic look really bored?

>>33661411
>Not having a dedicated sniper to target the Synapse creatures
Nigga you dumb

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>>33661411

The bastards in command (see DM) had decided to do a “Collapsing Defence” where we fought until the front trench was collapsing, then shelled the bejeezus out of it while the survivors retreated. We lost something like 20 PCs to our own gorram shells, but it really did work pretty well, at least until we ran out of ground to give. All the civvies were out, it was just a few regiments of guard crammed into a spaceport completely surrounded by the swarm killing them off as fast as possible and hoping that either reinforcements or evac would come down before ammo ran out.

Things started to get bad when the higher forms of Tyranid started appearing. Gaunts and gargoyles are bad enough, but it was when the warriors showed up that we started taking serious casualties. However the evac shuttles had started to ferry men up and we had some actual air support, unfortunately our regiment was going to be the rear guard. The end was in sight and morale was holding up well, right up until we encountered a Lictor brood, then things started to fall apart. I hate Lictors, I fucking hate them, we played three backline squads in a row and each one was torn to bloody shreds by those sneaky bastards without us landing a kill. We started to rout, but our Commissar and his guards went into the breach and killed one of them and shouted the regiment back into position.

>>33661439
Because IG vs Tyranid art is hard to find?

Seriously though, they look like they're at an office job.

>>33661525
I know even the guy being attacked by a nid looks like he is holding back an excited dog.

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>>33661507

Our evac finally came, and what was left of our regiment started the final retreat. There were a few valiant last stands, but most of us got into the shuttles. Our final squad had just boarded and was taking off when the air interdiction broke down and Tyranid air units started attacking the shuttles.

We were equal parts pissed and terrified as our DM described shuttle after shuttle being destroyed. The Regimental Commander’s bird as nailed early, so were the bigger shuttles with the vehicles. He didn’t say who was in most of the other shuttles, just rolled his dice and removed them from the board as they fell. It was heartbreaking.

Finally there was only one shuttle left and even though the Tyranid fliers swarmed it none of their shots seemed to hit and it started to climb out of the atmosphere. Then we were away, the fliers broke off and that one shuttle was headed for its fleet transport free and clear.

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>>33661525
Just another day in the life of a guardsman. Shoot horrors beyond comprehension, get torn to shreds, whatever.
"Better than guarding the Commisar."

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>>33661601

Inside the shuttle our last set of characters were trying to figure out what was going on. There were about fifty guardsmen crammed into a twenty man shuttle, and everyone was trying to figure out what was happening. Everyone had heard the Tyranid fliers, and everyone had heard when we hit space. The guardsmen close to the cockpit relayed what they could overhear from the pilot’s radio, so everyone knew that the other shuttles had been attacked but no one was sure exactly what happened. In any case everyone was happy to be alive and looking forward to getting off the crowded shuttle when the shuttle stopped. The guardsmen near the cockpit relayed that they were being redirected to a different transport.

When the shuttle docked and everyone piled out we found ourselves in a completely empty loading bay. We were ordered via the speaker system to form up by rank for inspection and at this point our GM gave us a list of the guardsmen who were on the shuttle. Every single PC who had survived a battle had been on the shuttle along with a few other grunts, all 37 of our beloved characters had lived (With the exception of the artillery crew we played, but fuck those guys, teamkilling fucktards).

>>33661601
This does not sound fun in any, way. shape, or form.

>>33661661
>beloved characters
I find that a little unbelievable to be honest, you've had your PCs dying left right and center. How the heck are you attached to any of them?

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>>33661661

We formed up, and after a bit of waiting the doors opened and a few squads of storm troopers marched in and instructed us to drop our weapons. There was a bit of argument on this point, until the captain of the stormtroopers pulled out an Inquisitorial Rosette and told us we were currently “guests” of the Ordos Xenos. After we were done pissing ourselves and disarming an acolyte and a team of medicae entered. We were informed that our regiment had been disbanded, we were officially dead, and we would all be subject to scan for genestealer infection.

At this point our DM ended the session, handed us copies of the Dark Heresy core book and a list of our surviving PCs (with all the filler grunts crossed off) and told us to pick our characters for the next game.

Yea, so that’s how our DM does backstories. Motherfucker.

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>>33661832
>Something like 12 days assuming nearly every arc of that war was the same length
>For character backstories

>>33661832
That is certainly an involved way of making character backstories.

>>33661720
We were cranking out characters based on templates after a while. We would more or less chose a role, generic background, name, and hobby/passion/gag. If the character lived through an encounter or two we'd flesh him out, but otherwise he was just a redshirt.

The ones who lived though, they were fucking special. We loved them, because goddamn it they LIVED.

When one of our characters got off the front we'd all brainstorm why he was so awesome.

>>33661877
3 days if you count Friday night. It was marathon.

We've played together for something like 9 years if you count the off years, and can get things going fairly quick. Still though it was exhausting, and our DM has to be borderline psychopathic / unemployed to have this shit all ready beforehand.

That being said our DM is weird, he once spent a week mapping out the mechanics for a transforming dog...

>>33661971
Nevermind, misread one of your posts.

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>>33661832
This reminds me of that Barbarian Rogue Trader. Pic is story

>>33661832
I can only hope to find a group this amazing.

>>33661832
That's it for the story by the way.

Our next session is next weekend (another bloody marathon one too), and I'll see if anything worth typing up happens.

I'll gladly answer any questions, or listen to your stories, or share some of our old DnD tales (which are also pre-typed) if there's interest.

>>33661971
>he once spent a week mapping out the mechanics for a transforming dog...
this is more interesting than the entire thread

>>33662191
Our group has been going for 9 bloody years. It started back in highschool, survived college, and sort of died down when we all got jobs and split up.

We recently got together again because I got all drunk and posted on TG, then someone archived it, then we all started talking to eachother again and realized we could afford to travel and take time off and play again.

Our group has had something like 20 people go through it over the years. Not all of them have been awesome (I can remember at least a few that only lasted a single session), but overall it's been great.

Keep trying groups and find someone you like to play with, then drag them around like a lost puppy and find a third, etc. It's a matter of making a group, not a matter of finding one.

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>>33662276
Yea Shoggy was well received, he's on Suptg here:
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/32461889/

We're all playing again because I posted that and some of the other old players saw it.

>Pic is screencap

>>33660982
This sounds boring as fuck.
You do anything else, or at least have a good description, or some kind of timer? Or was it just "shoot guys appearing endlessly on the edge of the map"?

Damn OP, great story (also inspired me for something I'm gonna try with my PCs, though in a different setting...). Reminded me at times of the last episode of Black Adder, and that shit about the inescapability of war and inevitability of death and other deep shit.

Also great way to make character backstories.

>>33662423

We have a turn timer implemented based on INT and DEX (otherwise you default to your previous action).

The descriptions were fairly solid (a lot of it was watching the surprisingly large Ork minis getting close to our guardsman minis) but it really was a matter of shooting guys as they appear.

I guess the excitement came from knowing that the character you just made was probably going to die if they got into melee range. It's hard to explain.

>>33662485

Dude it's exactly like the last episode of WW1:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vH3-Gt7mgyM

Now I'm sad.

>>33662485
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

It was definitely a little grim (see 'a lot') but we did get a pretty big rush when we found out all our PCs had survived in that shuttle. If they had all died it would've been horrible depressing.

>>33662713
Thanks for the link, I haven't watched black adder really, it's a good clip though.

>>33662200

>>33662404
So is this more stories about 'everyone dies' or more stories about 'dog that transforms into a dragon and licks his balls' because I think I'm done with depressing stories today.

>>33660810
Very nice OP, very nice.

I can imagine that the entire experience would have been grin and honestly, gruelling. But now you have more than just a backstory on a bit of paper. You have experienced something akin, but of course not the same as, to a real life experience of a guardsman in 40k!

Your GM is brilliant, in a weird and more than just a bit of a crazy way. Good for you guys as well, I can imagine that it would have been hard to keep going at some points.

fuck, I really want to try this now, I mean... a lot less grueling, but still.

>>33662952
The latter really. I mean I guess... A lot of characters died in our DnD campaigns, but it was all in good fun...

I can link a few and let you guys pick which ones sound fun, if that'd work. Or I can hold off for another night, I don't want to spam out the boards with pretyped text like this is my live-journal.

>>33663155
>>33663252

It certainly was novel, though I imagine playing DH with an all guardsman party will be hard (I haven't played it before, but it looks like you need a face / brain to do knowledge and diplomacy checks to do a good campaign.

If you do it yourself I'd recommend limiting it to maybe 3 or 4 characters per player, as epic as things felt I wouldn't have had fun doing the game if it wasn't my good friends playing and running it.

>>33663329
Go for it anon, put up the titles and I WILL DETERMINE THE MOST AWESOME ONE.

>>33663443
>playing DH with an all guardsman party will be hard

It's actually quite fun. It means whatever they face, they can theoretically fight.

>>33663646
Ok. Sure. Yea.

>Foreword on our DnD stories
Some GMs like it when a game can get fast and brutal, I know ours did. He wasn’t shy about punishing mistakes, he would enforce time limits, and unless you were Saint Such-and-Such you weren’t getting resurrected as anything but a zombie. Overall we liked this style of game, sure some characters that you really liked died, but it made them feel more real, made you sympathize with them better, and let you try out new character ideas until you found one that clicked. It also made it all the sweeter when one survived to retire, or made an especially awesome sacrifice for the good of the party.

>Volg Causes a Paradox
>Mister Lily and the Potato of Faith
>Tommy Troll-Fucker
>The Most Infuriating Enemy Ever

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and a classic

>>33663942
I vote for Potato of Faith
I eagerly wait for the storytime, OP

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>>33663942
>>33664280

>Potato of Faith

One of the upsides of going through a lot of characters was that if we had an idea for a new character we could usually get them into the game within a few sessions. Sometimes you want to try a new type of build and see if it’s functional, other times you see a nice niche in the plot for a character to fill, and sometimes you just want to fuck with everyone.

Our group was currently down two members (our Thief and Blackguard were given some cash and told to buy something or other from the local Wizard’s College, they tried to steal it instead) so we put out some feelers looking for someone sneaky and someone meaty. As luck would have it a pair of rather disreputable gentlemen who fit the bill were looking to make a name for themselves and signed on, a Mister Nail and Mister Lily.

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>>33664381

>(10 points for whoever recognizes these two by the way)

Mister Nail was a Standard Rogue with above average intelligence who was quite good with a knife or a hand crossbow. He was the small clever one in the typical Small Thug & Big Thug pair. He made it one session before he got wasted, however his associate Mister Lily continued to travel with us for quite some time.

Mister Lily was not a Standard Anything. He was a Thug / Cleric / Art Appraiser hybrid with very low intelligence, wisdom, and charisma as well as a ‘drug problem’. The Thug part fit the mold fine: he was large, scarred, loud, swore in every sentence, and he smashed faces and knees with the best of them. In a fight we would just point him at anyone we didn’t like and leave him to his own devices. The fuckery came from his other specialties.

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>>33664458

Mister Lily loved classical Art in all forms, no one really knew how (since Mister Nail didn’t live long enough to ask), and was amazingly good at both spotting items of artistic value and convincing others that he was correct in his assessment. Whenever we traveled anywhere he stood a chance of finding a ‘Fucking Third Era Elvish Harp with Sartorial Inlays’ or a ‘Genuine Fucking Mickovsky Candelabra’, as well as loudly denouncing prominently featured paintings as ‘Fucking Cheap Forgeries’.

This ability made us a lot less money than you’d think (since he was very picky about selling it to anyone), and caused problems with stealth and escapes when he would loudly examine something or go back to grab something before we left. For every situation where we impressed the nobles / artists / historians with his knowledge, there was another where he started a brawl over the lackluster maintenance on a valuable piece on display. Then at the end of everything almost every cent we made off any stolen art was dumped into his ‘drug problem’.

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>>33664548

Mister Lily loved drugs, but he was lousy at getting them. He would eat, snort, or smoke anything that was presented to him in a small non-descript bag regardless of what the substance actually was or what anyone else told him. If he was left in a market with a full purse he’d come back with five baggies of powder and an entire dried bush. Inevitably three of the baggies would contain powerful spices, one would be full of rat poison, the last would be a soil sample from a local mine, and the bush would be Rhododendron. He’d cram it all into himself anyhow and aside from a few odd side effects never really seemed to suffer for it.

We never established HOW Mister Lily got a taste for drugs, because in the rare cases he did get his hands on actual drugs they had a negligible effect on him compared to the Powdered Lightning Crystals he had just snorted. He always believed that the next batch would do the trick though and nothing would convince him otherwise.

The first time our group saw him actually acquire what he was constantly taking we thought we were about to lose our Thug, but it never seemed to harm him which was an intriguing little mystery. A new party member with Poison Immunity is often a sign that something weird is going on, and we devoted a fair bit of effort into figuring out how the hell Mister Lily survived his habit. In the end we found that despite all appearances Mister Lily was a Cleric, and used his abilities almost exclusively to find drugs using Detect Poison and keep himself alive using Neutralize Poison.

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>>33664601

So our art appreciating, drug taking thug was a Cleric of Something. He didn’t think he was a Cleric, everything he used was self targeted and it was all internal and automatic. He wouldn’t cast Cure Poison, he would just feel better. We never made much progress getting him do anything non internalised (like buffing his own strength or healing his own wounds) but he never really had enough to spare on other characters anyway so we just sort of accepted him as a self sufficient melee fighter. What bothered us more was that Mister Lily was not affiliated with any identifiable god or alignment, instead he had what we called the Potato of Faith.

Mister Lily wore this old dried out potato on a string around his neck, and it was his Holy Symbol. He deeply and fervently believed that as long as you ‘had your potato’ everything would be okay. He had complete faith in this, the sort of faith that you see in Paladins and Clerics that actually talk to their deities. He had no idea WHY the potato was important or what it did for you when you died, but nothing would shake his belief that no matter what you did in your life as long as you had your potato everything would be okay. He didn’t try to convert people, but if asked he’d explain that all anyone had to do make sure Everything Would Be Okay for them was get their own potato. He wound up converting quite a few people.

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>>33664642

Mister Lily survived an entire arc and wound up retiring (At the end of major arcs we usually reformed the group with lower level characters). He took his looted art collection and set himself up as just about the most unpleasant and brutal art appraiser and dealer in all the lands. He didn’t have any descendants (thank god) that wound up in our party, but his legacy lived on over the years in that any new character could choose to specify their religion as Potato. It was a fairly popular choice for the morally ambiguous members of our group after that. After all, Mister Lily’s potato kept him safe and everything was okay for him in the end, no reason for it not to work for them too.

>>33660810
>>33660982
>>33661086
>>33661213
>>33661339
>>33661411
>>33661507
>>33661601
>>33661661
>>33661832

oh man this reminds me of a DH game i was in that consisted of a dick-ass scum that did all the talking when it came to not shooting things and asking questions later, rich-pants mcgee, doctor octagonapus the tech-priest, shit-for-dice-brains the psyker, johnny two-shot guardsman, and jayne cobb (me)

>>33664708
And that's it for Mr Lily and the Potato of Faith.

Anyone want to hear:
>Volg Causes a Paradox
>Tommy Troll-Fucker
>The Most Infuriating Enemy Ever

Volg Causes a Paradox!

>>33664758
huh?

Soem guy posting about a IG deathzerg reminds you of a perfectly normal DH game?

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>>33664821
>>33664855

>Volg Causes a Paradox

Our band of merry heroes, anti-heroes, and psychopaths had finally tracked down the Evil Doom Cult™ that we’d been hunting for the last few sessions. They had taken up residence in the lair of the previous BBEG and were planning to somehow summon him up again for another attempt at world domination. This worried us because last time we had four specially made Thingies to negate his defensive powers and the cult had the forethought to destroy these, and even with them we had lost more than half the party in that fight. We decided to nip the problem in the bud by stopping the summoning (as opposed to going through all the effort of making the Thingies again) and started rushing through the lair as fast as possible.

Now there are two mechanics that our GM uses that need to be explained. First of all, resurrection doesn’t happen unless you are Saint Something-or-Other.There were ways to avoid death, but coming back almost never happened. This meant that what the cult was doing was some serious magical shit. Second, when the GM rules things are time critical talking and thinking are NOT free actions. He would start a timer and give you until it ran out to decide what to do, and god help you if you couldn’t.

>>33664878
more of the stupid shenanigans we got into in that game, most of them being the standard murder everything and then ask questions but some were fucking ridiculous

i was also hoping someone would be interested enough for me to go into more detail

You know, I never did quite grasp all of the joke / tragedy that it seemed like Pratchett was trying to convey with the Potato thing, and the fractured memory.

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>>33664978

Well our sprint through the lair didn’t go quite as well as we hoped and we got to the Boss Room right as everything was coming to a head. Some incredibly old wizard type was casting something that our caster identified as ‘really weird shit, with like time or dimensions or something’ and a goon squad of clerics was buffed up and ready for a fight. We decide to ‘Geek the Mage’ and rushed at the old guy, but before we’re half way across the room the spell finished and we almost ran into our previous group as they prepared for a final attack on the BBEG. Everyone froze for a second and tried to figure how this was going to play out, then the Cleric Goon Squad grabbed the BBEG and things started to fade back into the present.

At this point we still had no idea what sort of time or dimensional shit was happening, but based on the actions of the bad guys we decided to run for the Thingies and try to bring them back with us. Four party members sprinted in separate directions but Volg the Barbarian was a little slow on the uptake at the best of times, and while everyone else ran he just sort of stood there trying to figure out what was going on and why there was a very familiar looking barbarian in front of him . Each of us got to the Thingies and held onto them for dear life, Volg held onto himself.

>>33665058
OP said all storied are welcome and I'm interested, go for it.

>>33665079

We never did either, but the potato was funny and we went with it.

Maybe it was a british thing, some sort of saying about potatoes....

>>33665174
"Everything will be okay"?

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>>33665098

The spell ended, and everyone just sort of stood there and stared at the two Barbarians. Then the old Time Wizard yelled something along the lines of “There can’t be TWO, it’s a paradox!” and Volg retorted with “No not two. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!” and decapitated his past self.

Once again everyone just stood there and stared, waiting to see if the universe was about to collapse or something. Then Volg grabbed his own corpse and threw it at the gibbering Time Wizard who began to panic in earnest and started throwing spells out at random and screaming about paradoxes. We took this as our cue, set up the macguffins, and started the fight.

>>33665190
KEEP
CALM
and
POTATO
ON

>>33665234
Take your shitty, overused meme and get out of here.

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>>33665200

We did far better this time around, even with the Clerics healing the BBEG. We knew the fight, we were higher level, and between Volg and the panicking Time Wizard we had a morale advantage. In the end we only lost one PC (the most handsome and awesome one in the current group though, just saying) and went about the very important business of looting everything that wasn’t nailed down as well as a few things that were. At this point we noticed that Past Volg’s head was unaccounted for, the rest of the body was still there but the head was missing. We eventually dismissed this as GM fuckery and made our way back to camp where we ditched the half of the party that didn’t play well with others (Volg and the mage) and headed to civilization to get rewards and sell loot. While our Cleric haggled over compensation our Thief snuck off for a while, he came back looking incredibly smug.

When they got back to camp (with a new party member in tow, imagine that!) the group confronted the Thief about where he went. Turns out he had taken Past Volg’s head to the local watch to collect the sizeable bounty on Volg. It was decided that this was probably a good time to move on before the truth was discovered and our Thief was added to the list of Characters Not Welcome in Town.

>>33665265
And that's it for Volg Causes a Paradox. I still have two more pretyped, would anyone like to hear about:
>Tommy Troll-Fucker
or
>The Most Infuriating Enemy Ever

>>33665305
Tommy Troll-Fucker.

Dear god is OP trying to say he rolled like 300 characters and enjoyed it? Does this guy sit around and make a sheet for every unit in starcraft? how about the creeps in DOTA do they get a orgin story?

I just don't see how this is fun. This is like reading War and Peace or hiking across the country, sure it sounds grand and shit but I don't understand how it's enjoyable aside from rubbign it in people's faces

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>>33665305
>>33665311

>Tommy Troll Fucker

It’s said that a character is defined more by their flaws than their strengths, by that reasoning Tommy was much more the result of our GM than his player.

Now this poor fool was pretty damn green and the character concept he wanted to play was something you’d expect on a freeform board. He wanted to be a Bard that was just so cool that everyone loved him even as he was killing their buddies. He wanted this character to be the center of attention in every fight, with everyone stopping to watch when he did incredibly awesome stuff, and at the end of the fight hot chicks would come over and ask for his autograph because he was just so cool.

Now our GM did a lot of work to fit concepts into the world, but he did have a sense of balance and demanded that Tommy’s ridiculous strengths be evened out with a few flaws or removed entirely before he was put into the game. The player couldn’t do it though, he just couldn’t think of any way to make Tommy less awesome without ruining him, so the poor fool asked our GM to do it for him. This is the equivalent of asking a Genie to word your wish for you. You’re going to get dicked over. Hard.

>>33665128
Okay but none of this is pre-typed so it's gonna take a while and will probably be riddled with spelling and grammatical errors (and I should really pre-type it later for future use).

The mission that our Inquisitor/GM gave us was to find this mutant cell on the outskirts of a hive city, go in, and murder everyone. So we start off innawoods as apparently the cell is there. Dick-ass scum has fuck all for gear other than the starting equipment, Doc Oc had a lasgun and a flak jacket I think, Shit Dice had a las pistol and some wizard robes, and I had a lasgun, las pistol, and pump shotgun (that I had bought extra ammo for but never even fired once the entire campaign), along with the vox caster pack to signal our Inquisitor when the murdering was over. Rich Pants and Johnny Two-Shot joined in later.

We start our trek through the woods and we run into three mutant humanoids and three giant mutant dire-wolf things.

>>33665468

Essentially what Tommy wanted wanted was:

>Good First Impression
Everyone who meets this character immediately either likes them them, adding a positive modifier to all social rolls.

>Amazing Criticals
When you score a critical on a roll everyone stops and notices. In combat enemies who saw the critical must save or be dazed.

>Overawed
Enemies with a positive opinion of you will do reduced damage to you, and try to avoid combat with you.

>Memorable
People easily remember everything about you, and tend to talk about you. People will more easily recognize you from your description and remember your past exploits.

What he got was:

>Polarizing First Impressions
Everyone who meets this character immediately either likes them or dislikes them, adding a positive or negative modifier to all social rolls. This effect fades over time.

>Amazing Criticals
When you score any sort of critical on a roll everyone stops and notices. In combat everyone who saw the critical must save or be dazed.

>Over/Under-Awed
Enemies with a positive opinion of you will do reduced damage to you, and try to avoid combat with you. Enemies with a negative opinion will prefer to target you.

>Memorable
People easily remember everything about you, and tend to talk about you. People will more easily recognize you from your description and remember your past exploits. (This one didn’t change, the sucker had no idea what he was asking for)

Now the revised rules weren’t THAT harsh, it just changed Tommy from being inherently ‘totally fucking sweet’ to being a character who was VERY hit or miss, both socially and in combat. I think a clever and careful player could’ve made it all work perfectly. Tommy’s player was not careful or clever. He wanted to be some sort of Fantasy Musical Austin Powers, instead he wound up a lot like Trout from Shadowrun Storytime.

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>>33665544

So Tommy was supposed to be the smoothest fucker you ever met, in fact the second you saw him you were supposed to go ‘Wow what a smooth looking fucker, I bet he’s incredibly awesome’. This was manifested as a flat bonus to everything social because Tommy was just so awesome. Except our GM gave it a 50% chance to backfire. So half the people who met Tommy immediately thought he was the bee’s knees, the other half thought he was an incredible tool. It wasn’t a big enough bonus to make all his social checks a 50-50 chance but it meant Tommy had to watch for if he made a good or bad impression before he started forward or he could be in for a nasty surprise. Tommy did not usually remember to do this.

The result was that Tommy critted a lot in social situations, and EVERYONE noticed when he crit, and they remembered it, and they told their friends, and those friends recognized Tommy the second they saw him. So when Tommy suavely seduced a random chick in a bar it was the talk of the town the next day, likewise when he tried to bluff a city guard and got kicked in the balls everyone would be laughing about it in the bars that evening. This would lend itself to a very conservative playstyle, unfortunately Tommy was not conservative in the slightest.

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>>33665613

Tommy got his nickname at the start our second adventure with him. We had just wrecked a magical laboratory that had been recklessly releasing dangerous monsters (one of which we kept) and been lauded as Big Damn Heroes by the town that hired us. We grabbed the next plot hook and moved on to a fair sized town to shake it down for evil cultists. We dumped all our stuff in the inn and split up to each pursue our own sources of info, which in Tommy’s case meant hanging out at the bar basking in the residual glory of our previous success. Following the Bard SOP Tommy performed, drank, then found the hottest girl in the bar and rolled seduction and critted. The whole bar watched in either admiration or disgust as he suavely seduced her and her friend and took them up to his room, then they proceeded to tell just about everyone they knew about it.

The rest of the party returned, pooled their info, handled a minor disturbance when the party pet transformed from a dog into a goat, and went to bed. The party pet needs some explaining, he was a friendly dog that randomly transformed every few hours who we called Shoggy the Seldom Dog. There wasn’t much rhyme or reason to his transformations, and at that point we had assumed that point we had assumed two things: That he reverted to being a dog after every transformation and that transformations happened about every 12 hours. On this basis we felt that simply putting Shoggy the ‘goat’ in the stables for the night would be fine. Four hours after we deposited our ‘goat’ in the stables Shoggy transformed into a Troll and started a panic.

>>33665527
Combat was had, and it took the entire two-hour session for the six mutants to actually die because EVERYONE kept on rolling for shit. I only hit a wolf ONCE in close-combat and Doc Oc managed to hit HIMSELF with his electro-flail was probably the worst of it. Next session we continue on and run into a tribe of indigenous peoples that don't like outsiders too much, mostly because the entrance to the mutant lair was not even two seconds OOC nearby. Dick-ass (and to an extent the entire party) manage to convince the tribe leader to give us three of his warriors to help us.

These warriors turned out to only use melee weapons and could not speak the english very well but since they were going to be red-shirts anyway, we yelled at them until they put on blood-stained clothing.

Fast forward to the mutant lair and we break in. We decided that being tacticool was the way to go so our three resident red-shirts were on point with me being next and everyone else behind me.

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>>33665748

The panic immediately woke the party, and while everyone else is grabbing their gear and trying to figure out what’s up Tommy leaps out his window and lands between an angry mob led by the local guard captain and Shoggy the ‘Troll’. After quickly assessing the situation he decided to calm everyone down with a joke, and loudly proclaimed “Gentlemen calm down. That’s no troll (beat) that’s my wife!”. Unfortunately the Guard Captain thought the half naked bard looked like a smug little prick and did not take the line in the same spirit it was delivered. He reached for his truncheon with a mutter of “Wife eh? We’ve got a word around here for your sort of people...” This is where a smarter man would have changed tactics, or tried to talk to someone else in the crowd, or waited for help. Instead Tommy decided to go for another attempt at Diplomacy.

Tommy began to explain that it was all a joke and there was very reasonable explanation for everything when someone in the crowd yelled “Hey, that’s the guy who bedded Jenny” and Tommy retorted with “No, it was Jenny AND Samantha”. This would later turn out to be the Guard Captain’s daughter and niece respectively.

Shoggy and Tommy were chased around town by and angry mob and a vengeful guard captain, and only the timely intervention of the rest of the party kept him from getting curb stomped. The entire group was ran out of town had to relocate to the next town over to continue the hunt for evil cultists. The party was smart enough to tie Shoggy up outside of town this time, but we hadn’t planned on just how memorable Tommy was. Everyone stared at us as we entered town, and before long we started seeing wanted posters with a *perfect* likeness of Tommy’s face that read “Tommy Troll-Fucker : Wanted for Inciting Panic, Resisting Arrest, and Bestiality". Tommy was sent back to the camp to hang out with Shoggy.

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>>33665794

Tommy lasted surprisingly long, and after a rough start his player gamed with us for a long time. Unfortunately while the player did get better Tommy never did. For every success he had there were usually two spectacular failures, and being easily identifiable is not a survival trait when fighting mysterious evil cults. In the end he died how he lived, as the center of attention, except in this case it was the attention five different archers sent to kill him while he did a public performance. But even as he stood there full of poisoned arrows he succeeded his concentration check and finished the piece before he died.

However before he met his rather messy end Tommy brought a great deal of humor to our group. His Awesome Crits led to several instances where in an entire fight would stop and watch as he pirouetted through the air and beheaded an enemy, or alternately tripped over a chamber pot and landed crotch-first on the corner of a table (in these situations it was always a plus that most of us would save against being dazed and most of the enemies wouldn’t).No one could fail a diplomacy check quite as spectacularly as he could either, you could wear a Nazi armband to a bar mitzvah and still be less insulting than Tommy could be by accident.

>>33665788
Nothing too exciting happened until we "found" the weapon stash. Inside it was approximately forty lasgun magazines and an old-timey crank machine gun/gatling gun with about 200 bullets. I took half of the lasgun mags and all of the bullets, the rest of the lasgun mags were divided up between who had a lasgun and the gatling gun was given to Doc Oc who broke it down into spare parts to make a chainsword launcher. A few turns later we find the leader of the mutant cell (who turned out to be a techpriestess no less, and yes the entire party tried to hit on her and failed miserably. She asks to hear her out before we brutally murder her, and her reasoning was that she was butthurt about the head of the hive city being prejudice against non-humans (go figure). She asks us to join her, and we all IMMEDIATELY agree, and queue the GM quietly putting his notes away and asking for a few weeks while the Radical's Handbook came in from the mail.

>>33665925

That's it for Tommy. One more story left.

I'll grab a drink quick and dump my last wall of text

>>33666041
That's the general backstory to our original mission and what is to come for our characters. Mostly. After joining the mutant cult/cell and the GM getting his shiny new book, we time-warp to the hive city, and the first order of business is to get a base of operations, and in our case it was an old boarded up house that we broke into and used for the few weeks we were in the city. Our (new) mission was to cause enough subterfuge and general fuckery that a large group of mutants could storm in and basically trash everything. Our plan was to find decent weapons, get some space teriyaki (later known to the group as spaceiyaki), watch television, use copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, and find some whores; none of that being in any particular order. My personal plan was to get to a point where I could afford and use a heavy stubber because damn it, I was fucking Jayne Cobb and I wanted one, but that didn't happen until a few months real-time later.

>>33666056
wait a bit for the other guy to finish

>>33666221
After milling around eating space asian food and watching Religion: The Television Series because it was the only thing on, we get our new weapons. This is where Johnny Two-Shot comes in. His character was your standard guardsman with a gun, not really good at anything but not terrible either. The player however was a different story. According to the other GM in the club, he died because he had the bright idea of charging two armed guards and then got butthurt and left that group, joining ours. Now this guy never really thought things through before doing them in-game, and he was also legitimately retarded (Asperger's). Anyways, we go wandering through the city because the mutants were attacking and we wanted to shoot stuff. What we failed to learn was that the arbites knew about us and our fuckery and were tailing us, so in our escape we went into the sewer system. We manage to lose the space cops and leave the sewers and end up in front of Rich Pants' mansion.

>>33664458
>The truth shall make ye fret

>>33664381
>>33664458
>>33664548
>>33664601
>>33664642
>>33664708
Did the dwarfs have the secret of turning lead into gold by way of movable type?

>>33666400
Now, Rich Pants was fucking LOADED in-game. Care-takers, maids, personal chefs, groundskeepers, you name it, he had it. He also got incredibly lucky in finding a magical chaos-infused gemstone thing that gave him RIDICULOUS buffs, which prompted everyone else to pick up every jemstone they found. We walk up to his front door and ask to come in because we're being chased by angry mutants and (literally) covered in shit. After complaining about the carpet his character gives ours some bitching new pants and we settle down to figure out how to deal with the angry mob outside. Doc Oc got some more spare parts to actually complete his chainsword launcher, but we still couldn't use it until we had some ammo and had the skill to not fuck up when using it. Meanwhile, the mutant mob outside is getting increasingly butthurt that they can't hurt us because they can't get past the security OR the minefield Rich Pants had. But eventually they do, and we start popping caps in asses.

>>33666478
>>33666517

Ha. To say we ripped of Discworld would be a tremendous understatement. It just had such lovely characters, we couldn't resist.

>>33666529
Sorry man, I'm starting to fade. I'm going to dump the last of my story before you finish.

Do finish though, I am reading it.

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>>33666056

>Shane the Shy: The most infuriating boss ever

Many games have recurring villains. Sometimes these are minor enemies that you enjoy fighting, sometimes they’re an incredibly powerful boss that tests you then lets you live for inscrutable reasons, and sometimes its because they are very, very hard to kill. Shane was one of the latter sort and he was the most infuriating and unsatisfying enemy I’ve ever fought, because he had just about the best survival trait an evil character can have. He wasn’t invincible, he wasn’t prescient, he didn’t have some magical immortality, he didn’t even have some sort of amazingly competent henchman. What Shane had was Cowardice.

You may complain about how the villain is monologuing too much, or how he's too strong to fight, or how his behavior makes no sense. But take it from me, it's far preferable to an enemy that just fucking runs away the second you get close

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>>33666661

Paranoia and Cowardice are survival traits, and if the enemy survives you didn’t win, there’s no second place in boss fights. We all laugh at the big guy chasing the small fast one around yelling ‘Fight fair!’, but it is just so goddamn infuriating when YOU’RE that guy. There’s nothing quite as bad as getting within an inch of success, then having it all just evaporate and start over again.

We first encountered Shane when looking for some work as newbie adventures. He hired us to look for some old records books in an abandoned and overrun garrison post. We went over, killed the local monsters, found the books, inspected them to make sure they weren’t actually Tomes of Evil World Ending Magic (they weren’t), then turned them in and got paid. It was a perfectly normal low level fetch quest, and between our other adventures he offered us more contracts almost exactly like it. We kept doing them (it was a good way to shake out new characters), bringing Shane a steady supply of old record books, heirlooms, and art pieces, until one day when he said he was done and left the city. A few weeks later the entire nation devolved in a civil war centered around a bunch of dukes pushing the claim of a previously unknown heir to the kingdom.

We fought in the war long enough to establish that both sides were utter assholes and that this sort of soldiering was a lot more likely to get us killed than get us rich, then skipped off for a more stable country to hang out in. Now we’d all been at this long enough to suspect that the documents and such that we had been gathering were the cause of the war (and a little ‘research’ confirmed it), but we didn’t put Shane down as anything but a procurer for the asshole dukes. He confirmed this when we met him again in the next country and offered us a job finding some magical objects while we got back on our feet.

>>33666529
Now, this is were Shit-For-Dice-Brains shines. He always insists on playing a spellcaster in any RPG he plays, and he never really has any luck when rolling to cast. With, Dark Heresy, if you fuck up a cast roll, bad things can happen. And with Shit-Dice, with the most simple of spells or powers, he WILL fail to use it, and when he fails to use it, shit hits the fan. With this particular group of friends/players, that shit is turning into a fucking daemonhost. So now we have an angry mutant mob outside, AND a daemon host to deal with. Unanimously, we all decide to gtfo and run as far away as possible, which would work if a daemon weren't chasing us. While dodging chaos fire and eldritch lightning, we stumble upon a delivery van of sorts. A car would be a helluva lot better than running, so we all decide who goes shotgun and who goes in the back. Now this would have worked if Johnny Two-Shot knew the system.

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>>33666707

Since Shane had never screwed us on a job we didn’t really have anything against him personally. He made a pretty good case about just being a middle-man and assured us that there was no way that anything we were getting for him this time could be used to start a civil war, so we took the job. Once again we verified that we weren’t fetching anything overly nefarious then turned the stuff in and got paid, this time it was just magical artifacts used for agriculture. Between bouts of serious questing we kept doing these little fetch missions for agricultural artifacts until one day Shane told us his contract was finished and he moved on again. When we came back from our mission to kill some evil wizard off in the boonies we found the entire country suffering from a famine due to some sort of magical invasive plant species.

We helped the locals hunt down a bunch of nutty druids who were using the artifacts we found to help grow the plants and put Shane on our ‘to-do’ list. We figured that two nation level disasters in a row were a bit much to put down as coincidence. Innocent middle-man or not Shane was not good for the general health of the world. So when we got to the next country and Shane once again offered us a job, we went to his new office planning to interrogate and kill him. Unfortunately the second we started to get unpleasant he hit a panic button, jumped out the window, and ran faster away than any of us could follow.

We tracked him to a mansion and made another attempt, except this time there were some pretty nasty evil goons to fight us. We fought our way through them to his rooms, where we expected some sort of monologue about his nefarious plans and a battle where he proved to be far more powerful than he looked. Instead we found an open escape passage to the now empty stables.

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>>33666732
I'm fucking loving this, and taking GM notes.

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>>33666732

We weren’t able to track him this time, and anyway we had some far more serious problems to deal with, but he was on The List. As soon as everything above him on The List was taken care of we were going to go wreck his shit, and after a few sessions it was. So we started looking, but it’s really quite hard to find someone who knows he’s being hunted and isn’t doing anything obviously nefarious. We could sort of track him by the chaos he caused, we got to the point where we just assumed that any plague / war / famine / magical disaster was caused by him. The problem was that he always left before everything went to shit and nothing he did was obviously evil, hell all he did in one nation was start a gold rush. No one thinks of an enthusiastic prospecting firm as an evil doom cult, that is until a Red Dragon shows up to take ownership of the newly wealthy nation.

The problem with following Shane around was that we usually wound up sorting out the current mess while he went and got started on the next. He was like the dickish in game embodiment of a DM, planning the next encounter while we took on the current one. Even when we sorted things out quickly (or occasionally just ignored them) and correctly guessed where he went next the second he noticed us getting close he would just abandon everything and change his identity (he’d also usually set up something nasty for us on the way out, like assassins or a nice framing). It was infuriating chasing him, and it was even worse when we got close.

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>>33666799

We actually caught up with him a few times, but the bastard was paranoid as hell and always seemed to have one more escape route than we planned for, and he was retardedly fast and stealthy. After everything was over we looked at his character sheet, the DM was keeping him leveled with us and he was a multi-classed character focused on nothing except Running, Hiding and Using Items. The only things he used offensively were several ranks of Knowledge and some Diplomacy skills. Any single character in our group could have easily killed him if we could only catch him, but we couldn’t; his complete abandonment of any offensive abilities meant that he was always faster and sneakier than us.

Finally to top it all off, almost no one would believe us. Everyone thought we were a bit crazy (and to be fair, some of us were), and didn’t believe us when we insisted that EVERYTHING that went wrong was the indirect result of Shane. We knew it was though, no matter how many party members died and got replaced, the party as a whole always knew it was all Shane’s fault. So we chased him, and had adventures, and chased him, and saved the world, and chased him, and chased him some more. Until one day we got access to Time Stop.

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>>33666825

We had been waiting for this for a long time, we had planned for this day so hard it was incredible. The war chest we had assembled JUST for killing Shane was enormous, and we used it all. We hired thieves, we hired wizards, we bribed guards, we called in every divine favor we could, we even made deals with the evil doom cults that Shane might work for. The Paladin was ready to fall, the Warlock was ready to repent his sins and seek redemption, the Bard was ready to swear of women and wine, whatever the hell it took to nail this slimy bastard to the wall.

We tracked him down by waiting for the next disaster to strike, then ignoring it and watching all the nearby nations for low level adventures being hired to collect things or new businesses opening. We noticed a major city that had started building more flammable industrial buildings than usual and some adventurers collecting some weather control artifacts. We knew he was planning some sort of giant fire or something and didn’t give a shit, all we cared about was making sure it took long enough for us to catch up to him.

We had middle-men hire other middle-men to hire the best thieves to follow these adventures and figure out where Shane worked, then where he lived. Once we knew that, we got the best casters we could to feel out his magical defenses and help set us up to counter them when we went in. Sure we could have just had everyone nuke the place into the ground, but we had to be CERTAIN he was dead and not just hiding through a portal or something. We were going to kill him where we could see it happen and make sure it was done right.

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>>33666871

We went in through one of the escape tunnels while our hirelings covered every other exit or entrance we could find. We snuck up to the door to his room, blew it open, and had our caster use Time Stop. Shane had almost finished reading his own scroll of Time Stop (I can’t imagine the rage we would have felt if he had got his off first, I probably would’ve killed our DM). Our wizard dumped every magical restraint he could on him, and grabbed him for good measure. Then the rest of us came through the door like El Presidente’s SWAT Team and dogpiled the little fucker. We stripped him of everything he wore, then scanned him for magic, then ‘surgically’ removed a few things he was carrying INSIDE of him, healed him up and scanned again, then hit him with an anti-magic field then scanned again, removed the three things we’d missed of the first pass, then hauled him out of there.

We hauled him to a completely empty building outside of the city, only pausing to tell our minions to kill everyone inside, strip the place entirely, then level whatever they couldn’t take, and report to us at a location which we didn’t plan to actually meet them at, just in case they were followed. We used divine magic to make him tell the truth then got his entire story, along with complete lists of all his associates and the atrocities he had ‘facilitated’. Then we made a contract with the strongest devil we could handle to keep him from ever communicating with anyone in the afterlife, and to get him raped with spiky fucking dicks every fucking second of all eternity, and killed him. God that felt good.

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>>33666901

Then we went about dismantling everything he had ever done and wiping all records of him from existence, we didn’t even leave a body to bury. We sure as hell didn’t want some nutters WORSHIPPING him or trying to save him across time or something. We just wanted him gone, forever, there was no aspect of him which we thought should be remembered. Nothing about him justified ever, ever, mentioning him again. We deleted that fucker, made him an unperson.

He didn’t even have a good excuse for all the damage he caused, he was just a rich, bored, sociopath. It’s not like he had a evil divine mission or something, he just woke up one day and decided to dedicate his life to being a complete and utter dick to EVERYONE. He wanted to make as much overall suffering as possible, and decided the best way to do it was to sit there and help every little doom cult, or wannabe evil overlord, or rebellious noble carry out their stupid plans. He never personally killed anyone, he just arranged things. He was such a complete and utter tool that it took all the fun out of fighting him, and almost took all the fun out of killing him. Almost.

After we went full Inquisition on Shane we weren’t exactly popular, no one had believed what we said about the guy before, and now that he was dead we weren’t going to bother trying to convince them. We just left and started hunting down every name we got from Shane and fixing everything he had started setting up but hadn’t finished. After we got rid of the last Dread Overlord that Shane had helped set up and The List was empty we all retired and handed control of the party over to the apprentices that had helped us clean up the last of the mess. Things generally got better for the world, there was still shitty stuff going on, but it wasn’t quite as bad as it used to be.

>>33666661
>>33666707
>>33666708
>>33666732
>>33666799
>>33666825
>>33666871
>>33666901
>>33666920
I am SO making a Shane style character at some point.

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>>33666956
For real. I've already got just the person lined up, I just have to make them 300% more aggravating.

>>33666708
Now, as many a fa/tg/y knows when it comes to Dark Heresy, there's this skill called "Drive Ground Vehicle". This skill is used when you are operating a ground-based vehicle (no shit) in conditions other than a Sunday drive, one example being chased by a daemon whose throwing chaos fire and lighting at you, AND having an entire hive city panicking because mutants attacked and now there's a daemon on the loose. Johnny Two-Shot didn't know this. HE thought that a Sunday drive meant being chased by mutants and daemons and this made Johnny very, very angry. So angry in fact that the supervisor for our club had to step in and calm him down a bit. this was all said and done until one of us decided that the van we found was used by John "Hannibal" Smith, Templeton "Faceman" Peck, Bosco Albert "B.A." (Bad Attitude) Baracus, and H.M "Howling Mad" Murdock. We managed to convince the GM that we had found the fucking A-Team van. This did not bode well for Johnny.

>>33666920
And that's it. It's done, it's over, it's finished it it's dead, it's and EX-POST.

It was fun to go through all these, (except for Shane, that fucker still raises my blood pressure) I'll gladly listen to stories and answer questions as long as I can stay awake.

>>33666788
Oh god, it spreads.

>>33666708
Dear god it sounds like I'm lucky not to have any psykers in my upcoming DH group. I think I've seen a few threads around hear about DH psykers fucking everything up for everyone.

>>33667009
Basically, you don't let the psyker do anything.

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>>33667009

>>33666998
He got so shitter-shattered that he actually started to cry and the supervisor had to step in again. With Johnny settled down (again), we put the pedal to the metal and leave as fast as the dice allow us. Turns out the dice allowing us means going about two blocks before crashing into a half-dozen parked cars and bursting into flames. Somehow we all survive this and crawl out of the van only to find Shit-Dice the daemonhost right up in our faces. Rich Pants decides to pull his four guns out (don't fucking ask, I don't remember how he was able to use them all at the same time) and decides to shoot the thing. He rolls to hit, hits all four times, and then rolls Emperor's Fury. Four times. He already has forty damage on the daemon and per rules, he rolls to hit again, and does. And rolls even more Emperor's Furies. All in all he did about 120 damage in one turn with just four basic pistols, and then he realizes that he forgot to factor in the Rending damage from his bullets.

>>33667181
Deciding that the daemon is suitably dead, we take a head count. Dick-Ass Scum, Doctor Octogonapus, Rich Pants McGee, (a very anally anguished) Johnny Two-Shot, and Jayne are still alive. According to the techpriest lady we did what we needed to do and it was time for our next mission, but I can only remember bits and pieces of our shenanigans as opposed to an actual campaign.

>>33667131
>>33667156
>>33667174

HA, that almost makes we wish we had a psyker. Mass Possession and Tech Scorn are hilarious, though really I think you're quite right about not letting the psyker do anything ever. (now that I think of it I can't remember the last time Ravenor or Eisenhorn or Kys exploded or turned into a daemon, but judging by this they got it coming any day now)

If I'm reading right the fellow telling the story had a psyker roll a ~9 then a 75+ then a 91-99, which was high enough to fuck them but low enough not to just kill the mutant bugger.

Fun stuff

>>33667299
SHENANIGANS: NOW IN GREENTEXT FORM!

>had to open a door, and we had to input a code into a keypad to open said door, so Doc Oc, being the tech guy of the group, LITERALLY punched the numbers on the pad and somehow opens the door
>Jayne turning a spawn of the warp into swiss cheese with his heavy stubber in a single turn thank god for Emperor's Fury
>using a cable to climb down the side of a highrise in order to bust through a window to dispense justice, sadly i wasn't there because i had a fucking dental appointment
>using the chainsword launcher twice and failing utterly, then never touching it again
>killing techpriest lady in a single turn because she asked us to kill a titan and taking her daemonsword, two party members almost being possessed in the process, and only Jayne succeeding
>then losing said daemonsword a few minutes later because some astartes showed up and asked for it, and they then shot it with bolters and cannons

There's some pretty good stuff here, someone should either screencap these stories for posterity or archive this to suptg.

I have no idea how suptg works except for voting, but I can install and use Gimp if no one else want's to

>>33667538
i finally got around to pre-typing my shit so i can post it all again if need be

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I swear this thread is nothing but SPAM.

How long have you people been sitting on these stories? Over 75% of the posts here are ramblign stories

>>33667968
>dissing storytime
Booooooo!
Booooooooooooooooooo!

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Almost OC story of my group. No, it is not the most serious game.
>party is sent to Mordheim to find and destroy body of necromancer
>traveled there, found the body
>atacked by group of heretics over the body
>killed heretics, not that hard but damaged
>what do with body
>choped up, put in bag
>mage: "Hey I have liquify".
>use it on the bag
>floor is now covered in liqufied necromancer/hisgear/bag puddle
>the spell lasts 10 seconds
>necromancer/hisgear/bag puddle is now solid layer of biomaterial
>rolled up
>load on wheelcart
>show to to the man who sent them
>burned in holy fires
in stripes

>>33668532
diiiiid you smoke it?

>>33667538
Too much work to screencap, I threw it up on Suptg here if you feel like voting on it.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=High+Mortality+Party+Storytime

It's pretty good I guess, probably worth at least green or purple.

>>33665200
I'm stealing this for my dwarf zerker when we finish our steampunk time machine.

>>33661462
Oh one thing about Only War, sniping only works as a Ratling (humans don't get to deny dodges) and even then don't work so hot, because weapon power and settings are just shit. OW plasma weapons for example are back to "dark heresy" levels of fail.

Additionally, big monstrous things often have ridiculous toughness, so that even after Felling you might not be able to do enough to scratch him.

Don't expect to damage something as tough as a synapse creature with a sniper rifle that isn't ON A TANK.

>>33669872

I think Zoanthropes and Warriors could be killed with a sniper rifle.

>>33660810
>>33660982
>>33661086
>>33661213
>>33661339
>>33661411
>>33661507
>>33661601
>>33661661
>>33661832
That sounds horrible, but it was cool to read about. Its nice to hear you have such a passionate DM, but I think I'll stay as far away from him as possible.

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Screencapping because I said I would and the thread is still up.

Here's number one, I'll do the rest too I guess.

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>>33674048
And #2

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>>33674186
And #3

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>>33674504
And #4

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>>33674520
And #5

If anyone spots a fuckup in the caps you have 10 minutes to tell me and I'll fix it. Otherwise I'm out and this thread can die.