Nothing? Aww.

>>33786075
Your group reminds me of mine.

>I tear the hooker in half.

>Can I use the rocket fist to fall FASTER?

>The walls are covered in a dense, viscous ooze.
>I eat it.

>Fuck this, we're going to the moon, and when we get there we're going to rape you.

>GET BACK HERE, I MY BEAR IS HUNGRY

>Ok, if we want to do this job right, (bank heist) we need the right kind of talent. Where is the closest chimpanzee?
(later that night)
>How quickly can we teach the chimp Kung Fu?

>About how much of the hooker can still be recognized as a body?
>I eat that part.

>QUICKLY, SHOOT ME OUT OF THE CANNON. NO, OF COURSE THIS WILL WORK.

>What do I roll for damage with a cock slap?

>Hey guys, we can just use the corpse like a raft!

>I roll to eat the man's dog.

I've got a few
>Oh we don't know each other. That reminds me, if we survive this we should swap phone numbers.

> This better be a problem I can fix with my fists...

>I'm not torturing him, I'm just breaking his fingers one by one so he can never raise a weapon against us after releasing him to negotiate on our behalf

>What I'm about to do is stupid, mechanically inadvisable, tactically unsound, but I'm going to do it anyways. I jump off the tower to charge attack the archer I just knocked off the tower.

>You're telling me that the town and the dwarves are feasting us and giving us free blowjobs? And you're asking what we do next? Fucking nothing except get more free blowjobs. I wait till they kick me out, or the blowjobs dry up.

>Was that 1d8 burn damage just now?

>>33786075
"Calm down! We don't even know anything about thing dimension yet."
"It's full of French people, how good can it be?!?"

>>33786075
>"It's military speak for 'kill everyone and steal their shit'."
>"That's not funny."
That's a pretty accurate explanation though.

ITT: countless "you had to be there" moments.

>>33789492
hey man, I cherry picked lines that don't need context.

Fuck you.

>>33786075
"SHIT"
"What? What happened!? Is someone trying to shoot us down? Are we out of fuel?"
"We forgot the rental van!"
[slow, synchronized pause as we turn to look behind us to where a lance strike destroys the base and parkinglot where we left the rental van]

>>33786075
>"Colin, do you want to fight on the moon?"
>"HHgngngngngYESSSSS! I wanna fight aliens on the moon!"

I like Colin.

>>33787056
>The walls are covered in a dense, viscous ooze.
>I eat it.

>About how much of the hooker can still be recognized as a body?
>I eat that part.

>I roll to eat the man's dog.

Who is eating so much crap?

>>33786075

> 3.5 get blinded
> this_is_my_life_now.jpg
> friend feels sorry for me, at next town without my knowledge buys me hookers
> In my room, blind
> Suddenly feel hands on me
> "Help help I'm being attacked! Wait. Wait.. Oh. Oh yeeeeah."

"SIR, THE REBELS ARE ATTACKING!"

-Rebel PCs to Corrupt Government Official seconds before beating him unconscious and making off with the body

>>33789757
Three different campaigns, two different players.
First two are the same player, the first was when they found a gunk on the walls of a sewer tunnel which was filled with eggs. The second was in GURPS and he was playing as a giant alien mantis shrimp cyborg who had just torn said hooker in half. He then ate most of the body, and drug the rest down the street to our ship. He was promptly shot by police and I had to rebuild him from a hunk of shot up jello.
The third one was the first thing the barbarian did in a D&D campaign. The owner than threw a shovel at him, almost killing him with a crit. He then beat the man to death with the shovel, ate the rest of the dog, and buried himself to "hibernate".
Also.

>I just realized that every bar I go into is destroyed.
>What about this one?
>We drove our car through the front door.
>Oh, right.

>I roll to whip it out.

>Oh shit, I just remembered I left that orphan trap set up back in the city.
>It's ok, you never put any bait in it.
>No man, those kids are curious little fuckers. Probably got the death spike all rusty by the time we get back.

>I would like to roll to silently signal Monkey to punch the man in the dick. (They named the chimpanzee Monkey.)

>The moon rape IS coming. It's gonna happen, and you can't stop it.

>Why did we kidnap a fucking chimp from the zoo? How would this ever help us rob a bank?

>Aw sweet, manticore puppies. I'm keeping one.
>I secure it in my sphincter. Save and sound.

"I don't have to worry about Aleksey, he's always having a BM."

"So, Lev, you uh... As they say, got your dick wet?"

"Heh, you're a wang." (This just happens to also be how we nicknamed an NPC "Wang")

"Hah, your name means "Cutie" in Russian! That's hilarious!"

>>33787357
I have a similar story
>we're assaulting a fort, an alchemist, monk, ranger, npc cleric and me - halberd wielding warrior with ptsd and siege engineering
>throw some burning smoke balls into the forts with a small catapult so they wouldn't see shit or breathe, for that matter
>climb over the wall, start fighting enemies on it
>bandits have a fucking flying witch
>she assaults our alchemist by summoning a cougar and is generally being a pest
>charge at her along the wall, push her the fuck away down the wall
>unpleasant crack, she's still alive
>she stands up and starts sucking life off our npc cleric, who kept failing his climb rolls despite the rope
>sigh
>make a running start, jump down the wall, plunging at her in a charging attack
>overkill, even managed to not break my knees
>wonder how the fuck am I supposed to get back up the wall or inside the fort
>alchemist conveniently rolls a nat 1 and his grenade explodes in his hands, gloriously blowing a huge segment of the wall the fuck away

After being told what a batch of vicissitude beasts looked like, this was my plan.

"Can I leap behind one, grab its hind legs, and use it as a weapon?"

The answer was yes, it is also how I cleared the basement and a hallway with three actions.

>>33791765
i don't think slapping things with spooky undead meat is better than slapping them with something fully rigid

"It's three hundred light years to Footfall. We've got a half functioning gellar field, only ten thousand crewmen, the lights aren't functioning, and we're wearing sunglasses."

"Hit it"

^How to Rogue Trader

>PCs meet when Vampire Elton John attacks the Hooters they work at. Are currently crouched behind the counter, armed with sharpened barstool legs, waiting to ambush and stake him.

"Hey, um, Daniel? You saved my life twice tonight, and I think I owe you...I'll let you take me out on that date if we live through this."
"Wait, really?"
"Uh...yeah."
>Daniel jumps up at the counter and towards Vampire Elton John, rushing him with the stake
"TIME TO SEE DANIEL WAVING GOODBYE!"

Context: Dark Heresy, inside an Imperial Cathedral.
>What are those things flying all over the place?
>They're Cherubs. Like Servitors, but made from dead babies.
>... I'm not sure what I expected.

Character playing a stupidly cheesy caster in DnD 3.5
>I kill him.
>Ok, roll for-
>No, I kill him. No save. No roll. Only die.

Shit's been going badly all session.
>Ok, I have good news and I have bad news. Well, not really good news, it's mediocre news.
>Mediocre news is better than the news I've been getting all day.

>I weld the merc to the bulkhead

>Of course you are dissidents, but you help me gather good salvage for our scientists to weaponize

>Me need high-power human fuel. Transparent one. Increases martial prowess.

>So, in the last 4 hours, you stole half the things in this derelict, including 20 liters of whiskey, we found Precursor guns and two of us nearly managed to die with them. Also the aft is crawling with pirates.

"Could we use Fireball to cauterize the wound?"

>>33790062
>I would like to roll to silently signal Monkey to punch the man in the dick. (They named the chimpanzee Monkey.)
not naming the chimp clide and having signaling when you turn right

>Arc boss declaring "None can stand... BEFORE HEAVEN!"
>roll to grab his hands before he activates his WMD.
>Success
>"I STAND WHERE I DAMN WELL PLEASE!"

Apparently we're getting a rematch with that guy. Totally looking forward to kicking his ass again, and maybe even chokeslamming him into another laser.

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>Do pyrotechnics count as luxury items?

>I smelled porridge and got confused.

>I figured that, since we can see the sea, we're on the edge somewhere.

>I DON'T KNOW HOW PENISES WORK!

>Are we there ye-
>I WILL END YOU.

>Make me a sandwich.
>Give me two pieces of bread and I'll spitroast you.

"You hear a rolling crash above the rage of battle, and the sound of rockrete splintering from the side of the street to your left. A short moment later, the wall crumbles to the floor as a gigantic, thrumming wall of steel bashes it down. Something of that size and shape you know from your training can only be a super-heavy tank on the caliber of a Baneblade, painted a sleek matte black and cool blue. Its main barrel, the biggest ground vehicle weapon you've ever seen, swings around to aim at the squad."

"I charge."

He won.

>>33792176
As if it could have ended any other way.

"The howling is thinking in Scottish!"
(after hearing howling in the distance and telepathying)

"Stop assuming everyone's a princess!"

"I've lowered my expectations enough to know that the best I can hope for is that you don't kill anyone important."

>>33792882
He ran up the barrel of the tank, making some shaky Agility tests to stay on it as it bucked and swerved. When he got to the hatch, he decapitated the gunner when he popped up, and spent several turns hacking open the breech before sending a bouquet of krak grenades tumbling into the firing assembly. The ensuing detonation ripped the tank clean in half.

This was a first-level sergeant in the second session of an Only War game.

>>33786075
"I've learned the hard way that it's time to start running whenever a tech-priest utters the words "Oops." or "What could possibly go wrong?""

"Can I just throw the rogue's corpse into the hallway to check for traps?"

(we're googling to find someone)

GM: "you find that there is a guy called Le'hesh in the city of Massport, you think... maybe... you're not very sure, you droozed over some Amlem porn"
PC1: "ew"
PC2: "EW"
PC3: "nice"
PC3: "wait what do amlem look like?"

>>33791888
Nice copypasta.

my friend as a Minotaur
>Do I look like a cow? Because I smell bullshit.

(to robotic PC)
>"except for computers. Do all the computers."
>"wait that came out wrong"

PC1: "How tough-looking are the walls?"
PC3: "no you are not punching the walls"

>party argues about who throws their only grenade
>PC walk in and jump on the thug's table
>PC:"GENTLEMEN"
>PC primes the grenade and drop at his feet
>"GOODBYE"
>PC teleports out

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"Ok, so you [player playing grizzled biker] and III [post apoc Khal Drogo] duck down behind the crates as the cultists start firing at you with their assault rifles. There isn't quite enough room but despite III's size [he's like 7ft] you both squeeze in there."

Player B; "Haha, they are spooning!"

"What?"

Player B: "Can you imagine those two as a couple?! Can you Imagine III as a bottom? Or how about other slash couples like Sig/Foster."

Player A [Biker's player]; "I don't think so, I think III would definitely be the top. But at least its not the worst couple given that there is Monsoon and Mice."

Player B; *laughing* "haha, apocalypse world slash is now a thing in your game!"

>Players.
>Why.

"I thought this was space opera not underground thai boxing "

GM: think of this... you are going to go to the spaceport, a public and very well guarded place soaked in blood and armed to the teeth?
PC1: well, this is Amlem space no?
PC2: say it was a freak painting accident.
PC2: we tried painting the mafia hang out spot with a grenade.

"Follow me and stop setting yourself on fire"

"Jesus did you fuck a swamp or something?"
"Could be worse. We could've fucked an amlem."

(In response to a hobo proclaiming. "Oi, mate, I've got a magic dog.")
>Do we have any sausages? No? You guys, keep the hobo busy, I'm gonna go buy some sausages.
>Ok, I have some sausages. I'm going to punch the hobo and lure the magic dog away.

>So what's the name of your mentor?
> Yi.
> ...Master Yi?
> Yeah, why not?
> Ok, fine... What's his first name?
> ...Bruce.

Druid is summoning nature's ally
>hey, you want a bear?
>fuck yeah I want a bear!

Barbarian/bard is activating bardsong
>BnB: [to me]does bardsong affect every ally within range?
>Druid: FUCK YES I WANT THIS BEAR TO FEEL INSPIRED

>Monk: I'm going to try to throw this steak at the scorpion.

>We are NOT bringing a child covered in that much blood with us

"I donkey punch the guard."

"See those boarded up windows? Toss me." (Rasputin's buff lumberjack brother to Frankenstein.)

"I start praying to any god who will listen." (Third time this player has done so, every time resulting in something horrible. He just keeps doing it.)

bump

>>33793412
Just tried Google and I still don't know.

>>33791803
Fuck you, beating motherfuckers with other motherfuckers is ALWAYS a tactically sound strategy. Unless there's only one motherfucker available, I suppose.

>>33793412
There are three kinds of people. Also what IS an Amlem?

> harpy in a monster PC group
> getting checked by guards to make sure we're not gonna be trouble.

"I got plenty human 'ere look"
> she undress her top
> guards shy away
"See? Close 'nuff!"

>"I roll to fuck the hooker"
>"She wants you to use a rubber"
>"I refuse"
>"Why?"
>" Because using a rubber is like shooting pool with rope"

>>33798574
>Unless there's only one motherfucker available, I suppose.
Then you beat them with their own arms.

>>33802085
Alternatively, with their own skull.

>>33794044
Was the dog actually magic? I'm hoping it wasn't.

>>33803294

That doesn't seem physically possible.

>>33804472
Of course it is, you just can't beat them in the head with it.

>>33804613
His joke
Your skull

>I adore my players

Enough to maybe "relieve" them when one of them has had a particularly stressful day?

>Hey! Kill the priests! They're worshippers of Sarenrae. We're with you! (Said by a Neutral Good character to an evil dragon man)
>I'm sorry for the loss of your hermaphroditic child, ma'am.
>My autism gives me power unlike anything you've ever seen before.
>Just wait, if we RAPE the kid, maybe the guards won't find out? I mean she's like 5, she won't know what we're doing.

Ugh.

>plan B then?

>set everything on fire?

>that should really just be plan A, we end up doing it every time anyway.

Starting a fire really is a great distraction.

>>33786075
"I'm gonna hit you till money come out."

4e.

Goliath Barbarian

>I take improvised weapon proficency.
>Proceeds to wield the Halfling Paladin on a stick.

>>33800740
That isn't the appropriate time for that saying. Not being able to get a boner would be like shooting pool with a rope.

>>33791803
So, you want them to wait til rigor mortis sets in?

>>33786075
>"Shit talk the Navy now, Colin. Dare ya."
>"I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong."
My favorite kind of humor. In the second it takes for them to get it it's already too late to make a good comeback.

>>33807671
i didn't get that one. reference to a movie?

"I throw the baby at the sheriff! Maybe then he'll leave us alone!"

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Voicin to quote the quotes

>>33786075
http://vocaroo.com/i/s12Bv4SPu00J
>>33787396
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1PTK4tM6p8P
>>33790062
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1EGmKUvT97Y
>>33792055
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1bDpD8hqbRv
>>33792920
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1SWQ30DtYZV
>>33793539
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1qqdh2XIrFN
>>33806149
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1DSExPmmjfB

>>33786075

A goodie from a campaign that ended a few years ago
>Wizard: "If you start hearing voices in your head, would you start drinking more or drinking less?"
>Cleric: "It depends on whether or not you want to listen."

>>33808279

Can you do this one:

>>33804899

My players would get a kick out of it.

>>33808032
It's not a reference. He's saying that he's MAN enough to admit when he's wrong, implying that the navy isn't
Go look up some navy gay jokes they're great.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InBXu-iY7cw

>>33808357
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0BQfPfVYg6x (couldn't get the tone I wanted for this one right)

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0blSvlChaua

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0PQyJiladkq

tweeked the last one slightly http://vocaroo.com/i/s02i4Sxci9To

>>33803302
Do you believe every hobo you come across?
OH wait, you probably play D&D so they are "wise hermits" and "wanderers".

Guess I'll just search through my memory for any good quotes, and also the extensive notes one of the other players takes.

> Plot hook to steal from a home given by a thief who tried to pickpocket the wizard.
>Wizard to rogue (evil) "What do you think?" "I think we should kill him and rob the place." >"Yes, I don't know why I bother"

> "So the magic is racist."

> "Of course the wizard gets the crown of the gay king."

>>33808568

Thanks man, I'm fucking saving this shit.

>Party hears a loud scream in an ally next to the inn
>they finding the missing PC elf with two broken legs
>(party) "What did you do?!"
>(elf) "Nothing."

>>33786075
>>33786075
"Aeolas plows through he screaming forest"
"Um"
"What, were my allegations of tree-rape coming on too strong?"

"She was beautiful. An elf, neither wood nor dune."
"Save your racial fetishes for later boy. We have foes to kill"

"Tybalt snaps his fingers an explodes into a cloud of red mist"

"Dude, he's an old man."
"don't care. He challenged my authority. Imma beat him up now."
"You're PALADIN."
"And?"

"Just my luck that geezer had the body of a space marine beneath those robes AND I lost my powers."

>GM: "You can't leave, you're in the middle of math class"
>Player 2: "My dicks hard. Who the fuck gives a shit about sine and cosine. I'm gonna go and jack off."

Ghoul Soldier:"What have you done!?!"
JoT Character:"We cleaned out this Caesar salad."

This was after the group sans 1930s gangster and ghoul soldier killed the entirety of Caesar's Legion in a Fallout PNP session, and the latter part was my response to the ghoul soldier's reaction to said news.

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>be me
>playing pathfinder, blue rose Cavalier
>fight a large slime
>two party members eaten
>use diplomacy on slimie

"I WILL TEAR YOU

PIECE
BY PIECE
FOR PEACE"

>shit works

These quotes suggest a lot more sexual elements in /tg/'s games than is usually claimed. Just how many erotic sexventures are going on around here?

Some of these are from out of game.

>The fate of the world is in your hands. Don't fuck it up.
>I'm taking that as a challenge.

> Yes, your plan has just been sabotaged by the bad guys being too friendly

>HITLER AT LEAST HAD AMBITION! HE DIDN'T JUST LAZE ABOUT THE MOON ALL DAY

>Okay Hikari what is your reaction
>YOU CAN'T CATCH ME I'M THE GINGERBREAD MAN!

>'Oh hey! I see you have a book. May I book over here?'

>>33811627
Something something average tabletop gamer something something sexual frustration something something deviant and/or homosexual tendencies.
Short answer: Probably a lot.

Alternate response: It is possible for a game to contain sexual elements without it being full on masturbating-under-the-table dare-you-enter-my-magical-realm.
Presumably.

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The group ive been DMing for a while, pictured

>Are chopped off enemy hands still a viable fist weapon?

>I'm not sure threat by ass suffocation is a good intimidation check for any scenario

>Fuck wheres the dodo! (so many times this was heard}

>Are we gona think about this or are you just gonna....yup there she goes

>Id imagine seducing mermaids to be hard seeing as I cant speak whilst drowning

>Shes kinda like a team mascot...a little mentally brain dead feathery mascot, who is now on fire

>I met a ghost once, his name was Lary...fuck I hated Lary

>You didnt need to describe how it exploded, its an explosion! it goes POW!

>I'm entering into treasonous activities.
Paranoia.

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>>33789979
funny you should say this.

>Look, man. That fucking trike has emotional sentiment to me AND to [character.] It was the ONE GIFT he was given from ANYONE in the coterie, and it was fucking given away by station attendants!
Shortly...
>Shit, that's a frenzy roll, isn't it?
>GM: Yes. Roll to not fly into a murderous bloodrage over a small child riding your tricycle.

We had to retcon the murder of two families and a few train operators.

>our illusionist tries to cast a spell to make the captain of the guard attack one of the other guards
>fails
>"did you just try to cast a spell on me?"
>"sorry, our illusionist has spell tourettes"

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>>33812236
>I must leave.

"I'm going to continue exploring the seemingly-deserted mansion."
"I'm going to set it on fire."

"Grognak book it!"
"But I don't have any books.

"I cum on a sheet of parchment and hand it to the barkeep. Does this look like him?"
"Oh, that's him alright! He's in the prison right over there."

"I want to purchase new Tiny Greatsword."
"Wait, what?"
"Tiny Greatsword."
>everyone is completely flabbergasted
>Barbarian points to kitchen knife
"See? Tiny Greatsword."

>>33812460
>tiny greatsword
oh that reminds me of our barbarian trying to buy a weapon

"Oi smiffy, gimme one o dem smashy fings, on a stick."
"Come again?"
"You kno, one o' dem...
>points at the anvil
"on one o' does."
>points at a supporting beam
"Uhh.. I don't think that would be possible."
"Are yous tryin' ta swindle me shinies?"
>intimidation check passed