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>>35328546
Thankfully, what Gamindustri DOES have is alcohol, and it’s one of the few things that’s kept you sane. You take a swig from your -iron flask-, grimacing a little at the taste. It’s certainly no dwarven beer, but it’s enough to clear your mind a little (for a given value of “clear” and “mind”), bringing you back to the present.

There’s some sort of slime monster standing in your way, all blue and gooey and with that silly little dog face plastered on its ugly mug. Hasn’t made any threatening moves yet, but you probably can’t go any further down this tunnel without drawing its ire; you’re going to have to find some way to take care of it so that you can get back to doing… stuff. Important stuff, important enough that you’re slogging through this dungeon instead of going on break in some bar somewhere.

Your brain’s never been the most reliable organ in your body.

[ ] [ASSESS] Oughta take stock of your inventory. Maybe take stock of your own self, too.
[ ] [REMEMBER] Seriously, where the fuck are you right now, and what were you doing?
[ ] [MURDER] Time’s a wasting. Kill the Dogoo first, you can piece your mind back together afterward.
[ ] [BEER] Take another swig. Consider once again why you never bothered to just wear a fake beard.

>>35328554
>Return to one of the common areas. Clearly, this thing is stopping us from doing our job.

>>35328554

Beer, a dwarf thinks and fights better the drunker they are.

Then assess yourself, looking for more beer.

>>35328554
[ ] [ASSESS] Oughta take stock of your inventory. Maybe take stock of your own self, too.
+
[ ] [BEER] Take another swig. Consider once again why you never bothered to just wear a fake beard.

Rememberin comes after killin, which comes after drinking which comes after checking our inventory for a drink.

>>35328554
>[ ] [MURDER] Time’s a wasting. Kill the Dogoo first, you can piece your mind back together afterward.
This is amazing

>>35328554
>[X] [MURDER] Time’s a wasting. Kill the Dogoo first, you can piece your mind back together afterward.

>>35328554
>[x] [ASSESS] Oughta take stock of your inventory. Maybe take stock of your own self, too.
They're cute so they can wait.

>>35328554
>[ ] [ASSESS] Oughta take stock of your inventory. Maybe take stock of your own self, too.
You mean ASSES?

>dwarf schoolgirl MC
huh

>>35328796
To be fair,
some of the most deadly bastards ive ever known in DF have been dwarven women.

>>35328829
Guess you haven't seen clowns.

>>35328829
At least they have beards, like proper dwarf women! And god forbid we have a school-uniform, ugh.

>>35328853
Seen em, beat em, got bored of them.
Winning cause your bigger and can spray deadly dust is considered cheatin to badassery levels.

>>35328554
>Beer yourself again, then do a quick assessMURDER

Well, well, well. Probably the first sensible impulse your brain's offered up in a while, and who are you to stand in the way of common sense?

For a moment, you ignore the Dogoo and its disgustingly adorable beady-eyed stare to take an even longer draught from your flask, draining a half-day's ration of beer in a handful of seconds. The alcohol's warmth radiates outward from your stomach, fortifying you and sharpening your mind further.

Right, then. You're a staunch proponent of the proud dwarven tradition of wearing whatever the goddamn hell you want, and it shows in your mismatched, beer-stained outfit. You've got a xwool shoex on one foot and a +mail boot+ on the other. Your nondescript iron breastplate is a little loose on you, but not enough so that it qualifies as a large one. A -silk shirt- underneath that and trousers that are... undoubtedly leather, and most certainly puppy-sourced.

'Course, no matter how much you bulk yourself up, you can't really pull off the 'stout' aspect of dwarfishness, since you're as skinny as a twig. You've done what you could with your mud-brown hair, tying them up in thick and unkempt braids, but your beard... well, you TRIED putting on a fake one, but that only served to highlight your lack of a real one. All you accomplished was embarrassing yourself for a good few weeks, to the point where you couldn't look yourself in the mirror.

But enough of all this introspective bullshit, you've got unnecessary violence to commit for the hell of it! There's a wooden crossbow in your hands, and a nice quiver full of bolts strapped to your back, across the armor.

For some reason, a part of your mind is screaming at you that this is a terrible idea, but you're not really sure why.

[ ][SHOOT IT] Shoot the dogoo from range! Make it a pincushion!
[ ][HAMMER IT] Bludgeon the dogoo, up-close and therapeutic and risky.
[ ][WRESTLE IT] Who needs weapons when you've got hands?

A blorp quest? This will be glorious.

>>35328968
Addendum, since it wasn't clear: Urist is no longer wearing a fake beard. It's sitting in the bottom of her pack in disgrace, serving as an eternal reminder of her shameful display.

[X][WRESTLE IT] Who needs weapons when you've got hands?

>>35328968
>[x][HAMMER IT] Bludgeon the dogoo, up-close and therapeutic and risky.
A fine Dwarven Tradition, hammering things

>>35328968

[ ][SHOOT IT] Shoot the dogoo from range! Make it a pincushion!
Then when we run out of bolts:
[ ][HAMMER IT] Bludgeon the dogoo, up-close and therapeutic and risky.

and occasionally bite and scratch it.

>>35328968
>[ ][WRESTLE IT] Who needs weapons when you've got hands?

>>35328968
>[x][HAMMER IT] Bludgeon the dogoo, up-close and therapeutic and risky.
Sounds like we look positively adorable.

>>35328968

Hammer it. See what happens when a slime gets in the way between a meeting of pavement and hammer.

>>35328968
>[ ][WRESTLE IT] Who needs weapons when you've got hands?
WRESLTING IS FRONK

This thread needs more Diggy Diggy Hole

>>35328968
[ ][WRESTLE IT] Who needs weapons when you've got hands?
It's dwarf fort, wrestling is OP

>>35329087
That comes after we get put on minning duty and decide a pickaxe is a really good weapon

>>35329087
Brothers of the mine rejoice!

Blorp returns!

With a Dwarf Fortress quest?

Oh my...

But... will there be rolls?

>>35328968
>"Wrestle it" wins by a small margin!

You know what? Today feels like a REALLY good day to murder cute and fluffy things with your bare hands.

Dropping your crossbow without a care in the world, you snarl and launch yourself at the dogoo, arms outstretched. The monster doesn't even have time to react before you're on it like some sort of unwashed, unkempt whirlwind of violence, punching and kicking and biting and grabbing, and you're successful in denting its organ-less, skeleton-less, unfeeling body a whole bunch of times.

... what? Wait. Shit. SHIT!

Fear pours down your spine with all the shock of ice water, rooting you to the spot just long enough for the dogoo to push at you, bruising you through your armor and shoving you back onto your ass. Haunted by the specter of your past, you roll clumsily away and wobble back to your feet as the weakest monster in all of Gamindustri hops in place, looking dented and absolutely unharmed, oh god oh Armok oh-

- wait, no, it's bleeding goo. It's bleeding, it's not invulnerable. You ironed out THAT little glitch in your fighting style weeks ago.

[ ][WRESTLEMANIA] Go in there and finish the job like you intended!
[ ][WEAPON] ... on second thought, maybe you should pick up that crossbow you dropped, and THEN finish it off.
[ ][BEER] It's been a long few seconds. You could use another drink.

>>35329323
>[X][WRESTLEMANIA] Go in there and finish the job like you intended!

>>35329216
To an extent, yes!

>>35329323
>[ ][WRESTLEMANIA] Go in there and finish the job like you intended!
I was expecting lewd slime time
But I'm not disappointed or anything

>>35329323
>[X][WRESTLEMANIA]

Time to go Rowdy Rowdy Piper on his ass.

>>35329323
>[x][BEER] It's been a long few seconds. You could use another drink.
C'mon now.

>>35329323
>[X][WRESTLEMANIA]

>>35329362
>Blorp
>lewd
Anon pls

>>35329323
>[ ][WRESTLEMANIA] Go in there and finish the job like you intended!

>>35329323
>[ ][BEER] It's been a long few seconds. You could use another drink.

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>>35329434
I blame the source material

Rolled 79 (1d100)

>>35329350
Excellent. Better get them warmed up.

>>35329323

[X][WRESTLEMANIA]
[X][WEAPON]

[x] CROSSBOW CONCUSSION

>>35329701
>>35329323
>Wrestlemania!

It's like some sort of strange animal instinct, always lurking at the back of your mind. Even though you're as much adventurer as you are a fortress-builder, and even though you're in the fluffy kawaii sugoi desu land of Gamindustri, a part of you knows that you're supposed to be wary of anything living above ground, and doubly wary of anything living beneath the earth. A billion possible dead ends keep flashing before your eyes: you being torn from limb to limb, drowning in water, melting AND drowning in magma, atomized by a drawbridge, stabbed, bludgeoned, slashed.

But you're also a dwarf, which means you can push that to the back of your mind 'cause in the grand scheme of things, you've been reasonably content. You steady yourself and push off your back heel, lashing out blindly at the dogoo with your nails. You scratch its body, and the severed part sails off in an arc!

... no, you don't care to figure out how the hell that even works.

(Cont.)

>>35329760
"Terrific!" you bellow in fine dwarven tradition- okay, so it comes out more like a high-pitched squeal, so you immediately clam up and go back to business.

Your breastplate and arms are drenched in dogoo slime up to the elbows, and you make the mess even worse by digging through the unfortunate monster's mangled remains and come up with double handfuls of mangled dogoo remains. After a moment's contemplation, you stuff it all in your backpack. At best, dogoo jelly is sellable (for coins, which are the economic medium through which you can acquire more alcohol); at worst, you've got your dinner for the night. Either way, you win.

That done, you allow yourself to sink down onto the floor, your quivering legs giving way beneath you as you sit down and wait for your nerves to recover. You're not really the best fighter- not yet, anyway- and that's a pretty big liability in a world revolving entirely around spelunking, adventuring, and digging up equipment to make yourself stronger.

... right. You've been meaning to ask yourself something very important. Which of Gamindustri's four landmasses are you ON right now?

[ ] [LEANBOX] A sleek, modernized nation with enough landmass to choke a horse. Closest thing you've got to home. Not!XBox.
[ ] [LASTATION] A dark and industrial nation in the center of it all; a rising star in the Console Wars, and relatively stable. Not!Playstation.
[ ] [LOWEE] An ancient snow-covered nation; although not quite to your taste, it IS filled with legends, myths, and treasures. Not!Nintendo.
[ ] [PLANEPTUNE] An out-of-the-way nation, unstable and much-reduced in recent years; monster-infested, but filled with explorable ruins. Not!Sega.

>>35329806
>[ ] [LOWEE] An ancient snow-covered nation; although not quite to your taste, it IS filled with legends, myths, and treasures. Not!Nintendo.
Treasure huntan' time

Blanc also a best

>>35329806
>[ ] [LOWEE] An ancient snow-covered nation; although not quite to your taste, it IS filled with legends, myths, and treasures.
Nintendo a Best. Anyone who doesn't pick it is a faggot.
If we're lucky, we might even strike a rare Vein of Nintendium! The only metal rarer and harder then Adamant!

>>35329806
>[x] [PLANEPTUNE] An out-of-the-way nation, unstable and much-reduced in recent years; monster-infested, but filled with explorable ruins. Not!Sega.
RIP

>>35329806
>[x] [LOWEE] An ancient snow-covered nation; although not quite to your taste, it IS filled with legends, myths, and treasures. Not!Nintendo.

I like snowy places.

>>35329806
>[ ] [LASTATION] A dark and industrial nation in the center of it all; a rising star in the Console Wars, and relatively stable. Not!Playstation.

>>35329806
>[ ] [LOWEE] An ancient snow-covered nation; although not quite to your taste, it IS filled with legends, myths, and treasures. Not!Nintendo.

Aw yeah, legends

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>>35329806
>[X] [PLANEPTUNE] An out-of-the-way nation, unstable and much-reduced in recent years; monster-infested, but filled with explorable ruins.
gotta get dat waifuheart

>>35329806
>Write in
A giant and impossibly vast nation, ever changing, stable at times, completely unstable in others, according to the gods whims, but detached enough from the console wars that it does not actively participate, filled with legends, myths, treasures, while also being the greatest home anyone could ever want.

>>35329806
[ ] [LOWEE] An ancient snow-covered nation; although not quite to your taste, it IS filled with legends, myths, and treasures. Not!Nintendo.

>>35329930
Is that supposed to be Not!PC?

>>35329993
What else could it be? Not!Ouya?

>>35329993
Peashy a shit, worst Nep

>>35330082
By far.

>[ ] [LASTATION] A dark and industrial nation in the center of it all; a rising star in the Console Wars, and relatively stable. Not!Playstation.

Doesn't matter which console land we pick. None of them can handle Dwarf Fortress.

Speaking of which, do we have a crippling fear of Carp?

>>35330205
yes.

oh god, yes.

>>35330205
All dwarves have a crippling fear of carp anon.

Its genetically inbred.

>>35330243
And what about elephants?
And do you we have an insatiable desire carve horrific images of Carp and Elephants doing terrible things to dwarfs all over the walls?

>>35330289
...and it turns out I can not into keyboarding.

>>35330289
Lets go to XboneLand and engrave shit into the walls.

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>>35329930
>A giant and impossibly vast nation, ever changing, stable at times, completely unstable in others, according to the gods whims, but detached enough from the console wars that it does not actively participate, filled with legends, myths, treasures, while also being the greatest home anyone could ever want.

Pffthahahahahaha.

Yeah, you WISH that sort of place actually existed. It'd be big enough to support your natural instinct to build sprawling, nonsensical fortresses willy-nilly, it'd be populated by some sort of glorious master race that ISN'T comprised of 99% scantily-clad, big-titted girls, and you'd be rolling in all the bloodshed and violence that you could ever possibly want.

While you're at it, you might as well wish for a Bronze Colossus (Tame), 'cause it's really a pity that that sort of place doesn't actually exist. As far as you know, the world's already packed to the gills with just four CPUs, goddesses tasked with overseeing their own respective landmasses and vying for followers and belief. No, what you see is what you get, unless there are other goddesses sealed away somewhere (you know, goddesses that hadn't been absolutely demolished by CPU White Heart back in the days of old), or unless the CPUs are hiding away little sisters or some bullshit like that.

And that would just be silly.

Right?


>>35329806
>Lowee!

After a moment's concentration, you're pretty sure you remember almost going snowblind on the long trek to this dungeon. And almost freezing your ass off, for that matter.

You're not the biggest fan of Lowee. It's not the cold- that doesn't bother you too much, since you've always seen adverse weather as a challenge to be overcome. The people are alright, too, even if they're old-fashioned and kind of clean-cut and soft around the edges. And you rather like the mushroom forests springing up out of the ground, since it'll never cease to amaze you that gigantic mushrooms can grow ABOVE ground.

(Cont.)

>>35330020
Ouya?
I didn't see 'A desolate land of broken promises and shattered dreams. Its few residents are consummate liars, and entire chunks of its tiny surface frequently pitch into the abyss' anywhere.

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>>35330354
It's just that this nation is... old. Really old. Almost impossibly ancient, by your standards, and the sheer weight of Lowee's history presses down upon you every time you step into a building, or a temple, or ruins. Kind of like it is now. Despite that, you chose this place precisely because it's old, and a fair distance away from any sort of population center.

It's also as far away as possible as the closest person you've ever had to a friend, which suits you just fine.

Once you compose yourself, you press on through the winding corridor- not that there's a whole lot of branching paths to choose from. Most of them appear to be closed off, either by rubble or the roots of massive, ancient trees; when there IS a fork in the road, you choose randomly and keep on meandering. There are some sort of strange hieroglyphs set along the wall- stylized depictions of monsters, drawn about as well as a ten year old kid with one arm and no head.

... more to the point, you can hear fighting up ahead, just around the corner. One girl's yelling out stuff with all the confidence of an idiot (which means she's an adventurer), but all that's overpowered by a spectral, hollow-sounding trumpeting noise that reverberates through your bones and oh god oh god oh Armok

why the fuck is there a skelephant here

[ ][SPRAY AND PRAY] Whoever's fighting that monster is a lost cause! Barge into the room with your crossbow firing!
[ ][PEEKABOO] You can't keep jumping at old ghosts. You must have heard wrong. Better take a quick peek and reassure yourself!
[ ][GO THE OTHER WAY] nope nope nope nope nope nope nope
[ ][WRITE-IN]

[X][GO THE OTHER WAY] nope nope nope nope nope nope nope
Only smart thing to do.

>>35330384
>[ ][PEEKABOO] You can't keep jumping at old ghosts. You must have heard wrong. Better take a quick peek and reassure yourself!

>>35330384
>[ ][SPRAY AND PRAY] Whoever's fighting that monster is a lost cause! Barge into the room with your crossbow firing!
Try not to scream
Scream a lot

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>>35330384
>[x][GO THE OTHER WAY]

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>>35330354
I guess it is just it's own world then.

>>35330384
>[ ][WRITE-IN]
Time for stress relief. Start carving.

>>35330384
[ ][PEEKABOO] You can't keep jumping at old ghosts. You must have heard wrong. Better take a quick peek and reassure yourself!

God damn were in boatmurderd or some shit arnt we?

>>35330384
>[ ][PEEKABOO] You can't keep jumping at old ghosts. You must have heard wrong. Better take a quick peek and reassure yourself!
Just a dream...a nightmare...

>>35330384
>[X][GO THE OTHER WAY] nope nope nope nope nope nope nope

>>35330384
>[X][SPRAY AND PRAY] Whoever's fighting that monster is a lost cause! Barge into the room with your crossbow firing!
Claiming XP from the kill is essential, now's the only chance since it's distracted!

>>35330384
>Urist Twelfthbay cancels task: Interrupted

>>35330441
Well, she DOES personify Dwarf Fortress. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the absofuckinglutely terrifying, no matter how many times that game's gotten patched.

So yes.

>>35330384
>[ ][PEEKABOO] You can't keep jumping at old ghosts. You must have heard wrong. Better take a quick peek and reassure yourself!
Juat a check.

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>>35330500
Oh boy.

>>35330384
[ ][PEEKABOO] You can't keep jumping at old ghosts. You must have heard wrong. Better take a quick peek and reassure yourself!
We need tamed Giant desert scorpions

It's been ten minutes, so I'm cutting off voting here! Peekaboo wins by a pretty close margin.

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>>35330354
So basically, we have to beat the shit out of the other nations, the goddesses and then fuse their essences into one, create an anvil out of it, then use the landmass of the nations as a hammer against the anvil to create a new world?

>>35330651
Or just make a giant Lava Cannon. Same Diff

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>>35330384
>Peekaboo!

You lean against the wall, not caring that you're staining the ancient priceless hieroglyphs with sweat and beer and dogoo slime and your right hand, which twitches like it's trying to engrave something. Pretty soon, your BLOOD'S going to be staining the absolutely goddamn everything, on account of being gored and stomped and gored again by undead skeletons that can't possibly die because they're already dead and elephantine and really fucking scary because they have no trunk, WHY do they have no trunk, it probably fell off and got reanimated as an undead elephant trunk that's probably going to whip around the corner and slide up your leg and tear huge bloody chunks out of it, you need like fifty other dwarves backing you up, you can't possibly-

You clap a gloved hand over your mouth, muffling a pathetically girly whimper. The sound of your voice is enough to snap you out of your daze. You're a dwarf, goddamn it! Dwarves bawl and cry and go insane from rage, but they don't /whimper/, even if they're Armok-cursed moe personifications. Okay. You're just... you're just going to peek around the corner, and it'll be some adventurer beating the unholy shit out of some trumpet-playing mushroom turtle or something dumb and cutesy like that. Yeah. That's got to be what it is.

Heart pounding in your chest, you peek around the corner.

There's a skeleton elephant bellowing its insane wrath-filled hatred against all forms of life as it tries to stomp an adventurer to death.

Your mouth curls up into a sickly smile, and you whimper again, readying yourself to sneak away and flee the fuck away from one of your worst nightmares made flesh. Or made bone. The adventurer is dodging as well as she can, her ridiculous pink tiny cape fluttering behind her, but you know it's a completely lost cause. No one can tackle that thing alone, not unless they're some sort of legendary warrior or-

(Cont.)

>>35330959
"Legendary Gigaslash!"

The girl darts forward and puts her entire weight behind an absolutely ridiculous-looking sword slash, one that should leave her wide open for a bloody pummeling. Instead, in all defiance of physics and good sense, her blade glows and catches the skelephant right across the ribcage, severing most of its false ribs and drawing out a pained trumpeting noise.

You blink. That's- wait, is she /winning/?

[][ASSIST] You're a dwarf. You can't possibly sit back and not help this girl murder faces! That'd just be shameful!
[][WATCH & BEER] You're a dwarf, and you'd like to stay a dwarf and not become a pancake. She's totally got this.
[][YELL ADVICE] You're a dwarf, and you know what's best for taking down skeletal elephants. Tell her what you know!
[][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.

>>35330997
>[x][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.
Also drinking, lots of drinking

>>35330997
[x][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.

[X][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.

>>35330997
>[X][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.

Rolled 64 (1d100)

>>35330997

[x][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.

>>35330997
[x][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations
Somebody winning against the elephant menace? Clearly we must immortalize such a monumentous event.

>>35330997
[][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.

>>35330997
>[X][ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations.

>>35330997
>[ENGRAVE] You've a dwarf, and you REALLY need to commemorate this battle for future generations

Right underneath the picture carve "It was inevitable."

>[ENGRAVE]

You're a dwarf, and that kind of image strikes fey moods into the hearts of men, whether they be proper dorfs, slinky little kobolds, treehuggers, or those out-of-place jack-of-all-trades fellows you forget the name of.

Besides, you're drunk, and it's better to get smashed by more liquor as you work than to get smashed by undead elephant heel.

>>35330997
>ENGRAVE!

Sure, your fighting skills aren't up to speed, not yet, but you've prepared your entire life for this moment. You will capture this unprecedented battle and commit it to memory, you will allow your heart's eye to lead your chisel, and all this will culminate in this mysterious warrior's shining moment immortalized in stone.

You immediately bust out your chisel with one hand, and your flask with the other. The sounds of battle fade, the entire world narrows down until it's nothing but the wall in front of you and the stone underneath your expert touch. First, the warrior's features are etched out, delicate but brimming with confidence, her circlet gleaming in the torchlight, and you expand her entire form out from there, culminating in the brutal destruction of a previously unstoppable behemoth of pachyderm bone, and... um.

>Engraved on the wall is an inexpertly designed image of what could possibly be Ester the Dragon Warrior and what is probably an undead elephant, if you squint hard enough. Ester the Dragon Warrior might be striking down the undead elephant, or she's doing the Charleston. The undead elephant is curled up or having a seizure. The artwork relates to some sort of battle or dance-off that took place within the last ten minutes.
>It was inevitable. Probably.

You stare at the engraving for a few heartbeats. Maybe... maybe you need to work on your engraving skill, too. Just a bit. But hey, you did what you set out to do. And this DID constitute some good practice, so you really can't complain.

... her name is /Ester/? Really?

(Cont.)

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>>35331518
"Hey! Whoa! Heads up!"

Braids bobbing with the motion, you jerk your head up just in time to see the Dragon Warrior careening toward you- you duck out of the way just in time to avoid getting bowled right over, and she slams right into the wall you were just engraving, feet-first. Time seems to slow down, and for one long moment, you're staring at each other; her green eyes are wide and surprised, and you're pretty sure you're looking much the same.

She sizes you up in a heartbeat. "Get out of here! This place isn't safe for rookies!" And then she uses the engraved wall as a springboard, launching herself right back at the skelephant. The undead beast is gravely wounded, but more or less undaunted.

Your head's still swimming. /Rookie/? Really!?

[ ] [INDIGNATION] Your engraving! She stepped on your engraving! Demand artistic compensation for your desecrated art!
[ ] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!
[ ] [NOPE] ... well, if she's offering, maybe you'd best back out. She's probably got this. Maybe. Sort of.

>>35331549
>[ ] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!

[X] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!

>>35331549
>[X] [NOPE] ... well, if she's offering, maybe you'd best back out. She's probably got this. Maybe. Sort of.

>>35331549
>[ ] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!
The only thing you should never fight is a giant sponge.

>>35331549
>[ ] [INDIGNATION] Your engraving! She stepped on your engraving! Demand artistic compensation for your desecrated art!

>>35331549
>[ ] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!
She thinks she's tough because she can handle one boney elephant?

>>35331549
>>[ ] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!

>>35331549
>[x] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!
Urist goes into a trance!

>>35331549
>[X] [INFURIATION] You're no rookie; you've seen more patches than she's likely to have seen in a lifetime!

>>35331549
>[X] [INDIGNATION] Your engraving! She stepped on your engraving! Demand artistic compensation for your desecrated art!

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>>35331549
>>35331565
>>35331573
>>35331600
>>35331606
>>35331755
>>35331770
The INFURIATIONs have it!

>Urist Twelfthbay charges forth!
ROLL d20! (dice+1d20 in the email field)
Taking the best of three! DC: 15+

>>35331896
dice+1d20

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>35331896

Rolled 19 (1d20)

>>35331896

Rolled 19 (1d20)

>>35331896
Rolling dice is always scary

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>35331896

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>35331896

Rolled 6 (1d20)

>>35331896

LETS GO

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>35331896

>>35331930
>>35331918
>>35331913
two degrees of success. Not bad.

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>35331896

>>35331896
Blorp, I just want to say, it's good to see you running something again.
I hope your Loli Dwarf quest does awesome.

>>35331896
>>35331549
>INFURIATION!

Dwarves aren't exactly a common sight in Gamindustri- hell, as far as you know, you're alone. And as much as you hate to admit it, nothing about you screams "DWARF" to anyone who doesn't know you. Not only does everyone see you as some sorta short kid who reeks of booze and bad hygiene, but you've got enough issues to qualify for a multi-year newspaper subscription.

All that interferes with your ability to do just about anything. Puts you in the lower ranks of adventurers, and even THEY don't have to worry about canceling their tasks because they can't path around trees placed in just the wrong places, or spilling all their bolts on the ground because their fingers phase through their quivers. You're so below average that you drag the entire curve down.

... despite all that, you're not a rookie. You've been around long enough to see the CPUs swap out their hardware for newer equipment. You've seen the rise and fall of an entire generation of adventurers. You're /not/ gonna be looked down upon by some armored tart in a skirt-!

One moment, you're vibrating with fury; the next, you're barreling past Ester before you even know what you're doing, the wounded skelephant looming larger and larger in your vision, so large that it seems to engulf your whole world. Hell, you can almost count each individual rib.

So you count them with your bare hands, tearing them out and hurling them away.

(Cont.)

>>35332414
The trumpeting above you takes on a frantic tone as you continue down to its legs, kicking at the bones with enough force to snap them clean off; deprived of any of its supports, the skelephant falls down around you. You instinctively brace yourself for a cavern collapse, but at the lack of any dust, you keep on trucking, bludgeoning the spine, the tusks, and eventually the skull, ignoring the pain in your fists as you systematically dismantle the bone beast.

Distantly, you hear someone screaming bloody murder, and realize that your throat is getting sort of hoarse, so you stop. You also realize that there's nothing left to murder, so you stop doing that, too, swaying in place as you belatedly realize that your fists really DO sort of hurt.

The Dragon Warrior is staring at you with a sort of muted surprise (or horror, who even knows), her eyebrows quirked up so far that they're almost at her hairline.

[ ] [PERSEVERE] Keep standing. Engage her in a staring contest, wait for her to talk. You're no rookie.
[ ] [THANK] Well, she DID start the battle. Maybe you could thank her for starting what you finished.
[ ] [COLLAPSE] You've earned a rest. Sit the fuck down before you break anything else.
[ ] [KEEP DELVING] Turn away from fighty swordy girl. Try to finish dungeon. Hopefully acquire loot.
[ ] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.

>>35332065
Thank you! I'm glad to be back, it's really been far too long.

[X] [PERSEVERE] Keep standing. Engage her in a staring contest, wait for her to talk. You're no rookie.
Companion get?

>>35332437
>[ ] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.

>>35332437
>[x] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.
Yea that'll teach her to talk shit about loliDorf

>>35332437
>[x] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.

>>35332437
>[ ] [BEERSEVERE] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now. Keep standing. Engage her in a staring contest, wait for her to talk. You're no rookie.

>>35332414
>[ ] BEER
Only option

>>35332437
>[x] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.

>>35332437
[X] [PERSEVERE] Some bitch in a Dress dare look down at the mighty lineage of Dwarf Fortress?
[X] [BEER] While staring her down, take another long swig of beer, ripping that bastard felt good and you deserve a beer.

>>35332437
[X] [PERSEVERE] Keep standing. Engage her in a staring contest, wait for her to talk. You're no rookie.

>>35332485
Beersevere sounds good

>>35332485
>>35332506

[BEERSERVERE]
Turn to her, and stare her in the eye as you down a mugful.

>>35332437
>>[ ] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.

>>35332437
[x] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.
[x] [PERSEVERE] Keep standing. Engage her in a staring contest, wait for her to talk. You're no rookie.

>>35332437
>[X ] [BEER] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now.

Is this a dorf adventure or an alcoholism simulator? Either way, same answer.

Rolled 9 (1d20)

>>35332437

[x]Beersevere

"HOPE YOU LIKE MIASMA!"

>>35332485
[X] [BEERSEVERE]

>>35332437
>[ ] [BEERSEVERE] It's been minutes since your last beer. You could really use a drink right now. Keep standing. Engage her in a staring contest, wait for her to talk. You're no rookie.

>>35332437
>BEERSEVERE

You stare down the black-haired swordsgirl, your head held high. Or... well, as high as it can go, anyway. You're not very tall.

After a moment, you realize that your hands are shaking, though you can't tell whether it's from alcohol deprivation or from your adrenali- pfffthahaha, of course it's alcohol deprivation. When in doubt, it's ALWAYS alcohol deprivation. So you reach for your tertiary flask full of glorious, life-giving alcohol, noting with an odd sort of detachment that your kitten leather gloves are now XXkitten leather glovesXX, and that your exposed knuckles are bloody and raw. That makes you a little sad.

Then you upend another half-day's ration of fermented mushroom juice into your mouth, and you are now reasonably content. Through it all, you keep your brown eyes fixated on the warrior's own, as if challenging her to make any comment- any at all- on your rampant, deadly-in-anyone-but-a-dwarf alcoholism or your fit of horrific violence. You're hellbent on outstaring her, because you sure as hell aren't going to be the one to talk first.

It doesn't take her too long to crack, though it's not quite the way you imagined it to be. She suddenly nods to herself, coming to a decision, and then she gives you the brightest smile you've seen in recent memory.

"Okay! You can join my party!"

... her what now?

[ ] [ACCEPT] Why the hell not? You NEVER turn down meatshiel- /companions/.
[ ] [BARGAIN] WHOA there, like hell you're gonna let her be the party leader. YOU'RE leading this little group.
[ ] [WHAT] Okay, hold on, what train of thought even leads to this conclusion?
[ ] [NOPE] Nuh-uh. Okay, so she isn't wearing boobplate, but she's wearing a /skirt/, that's ludicrous.

>>35332872
>[X] [BARGAIN] WHOA there, like hell you're gonna let her be the party leader. YOU'RE leading this little group.

>>35332872

>[X] [BARGAIN] WHOA there, like hell you're gonna let her be the party leader. YOU'RE leading this little group.

I killed the skelephant, I lead the party, biatch.

>>35332872
>[ ] [BARGAIN] WHOA there, like hell you're gonna let her be the party leader. YOU'RE leading this little group.
Deal wit' it

[X] [BARGAIN] WHOA there, like hell you're gonna let her be the party leader. YOU'RE leading this little group.

>>35332872
>[X] [BARGAIN] WHOA there, like hell you're gonna let her be the party leader. YOU'RE leading this little group.

Let some chuuni in a skirt lead the part? What sort of loser yells out there attacks?

This is now a Dwarf Lead Party. (DLP)

The only worry is the dwindling beer rations. This places Epic Loot better be an at least an untapped keg of actually good beer.

>>35332872
>[x] [WHAT] Okay, hold on, what train of thought even leads to this conclusion?

>>35333104
I bet she's never even been strangled with her own intestines, the pleb.

We should locate a mountainside and begin digging soon. Start growing some plump helmets.

Blorp! You magnificent bastard you're back! And in a comedic dwarf Loli quest!

>BORN UNDERGROUND! GROWN INSIDE A ROCKY WOMB!
>THE EARTH IS OUR CRADLE, THIS MOUNTAIN SHALL BECOME OUR TOMB!

>>35333146

We need like minded adventures, old ports of computer games that would be equally bitchy at being stuck in console world. Wonder what sort of people we could pikc up if you match the old Ultima/Wizardry/Might and Magic type games on the old consoles that were port. Games that would be much more comfortable in >>35329930

>>35333313
Fuck it, let's just go track down Zork and Rogue. They'd be on our level.

>>35333349

Go track down 'The Return of Werdna' also. Granted that one was never on a console..

>>35333313
>>35333349
I'm getting a feeling that we aren't going to stay very sane if we start hanging out with people like us.

>>35333408
Noone fucks with ASCII-bros.

Even if they are loli in this world.

>>35333408

People like us, brutal old school CRPG games that abuse the player, or bright preppy Chuuni's In Skirts. (CIS)

We will stay closer to our own version of insanity, that we understand with people like us.

>>35333493
Besides the interactions and apathy, hatred and disdain we all hold for this world will make interesting play.

>>35332872
Only on the condition that she provides us with booze. We may die from withdrawals before this dungeons over, otherwise.

>>35333493
>Rogue is a jaded, dark bagged eyed shota, his skin pale and covered in old scars. His voice whispy, haunted and Hoarse, as if constantly reminded of unending deaths in the dark. And waking up again.... and again... a-and... Again.

ALL OF MY YES.

>>35332872
>BARGAIN

The hell is she even-

You cut yourself off to hastily wipe away the thin trail of beer dribbling down your tragically barren chin. Cursing the goddesses for not giving you a beard to soak up stray crumbs and drink, you suck the precious beer from your fingers, letting not one drop go to waste.

That done, THEN you ask this girl why the hell she gets to be the one leading the party when YOU were the one who took down the skelephant. She lowers her sword and shield, frowning and tilting her head to the side in a cutesy gesture of confusion.

"You... you don't want to join my party?"

... urgh. Well, no, you didn't say THAT, it's just-

"But you were looking at me with soulful eyes after the battle!" she insists, bouncing on her heels. "That's how it always works. I totally saw a dialogue box pop up that said 'Martial Artist A is looking at you! Will you let her join your party?' It's a legendary ritual passed down through the ages!"

You drag a hand down your face, heedless of the blood smears it leaves behind. No, it really is NOT a ritual. Besides, YOU took down the skelephant, not her.

The warrior- oh, Armok help you, she actually pouts a little. "I weakened it!"

You glance away, because you know how this horrible, brain-melting 'moe' syndrome works. Then you take a grounding breath, thankful that your patience was fortified by your recent alcohol intake. YOU dealt the finishing blow. With your fists. Your bare fists. Besides, SHE was the one staring at YOU, right? If anything, SHE was the one making googly eyes at you.

(Cont.)

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>>35333757
Really, you were prepared for her to either continue the fight, or to flounce off in a huff, leaving you by yourself and blissfully, blissfully alone. Instead, to your mild horror, Ester actually starts nodding, brightening back up. "That's true. So... that makes me a guest in your party, right?"

What? What the hell difference does that even make?

"Then it's decided!"

WHAT'S decided!?

"Rejoice, for thy group hath been expanded!" Ester plows on, slipping into really bad Ye Olde Dialect for no apparent reason. "Ester the Dragon Warrior joins thine party, oh brave martial artist!" She raises her sword into the sky in a triumphant pose. You're just about the ask her what the hell she's on when an invisible orchestra suddenly sounds out a happy little fanfare from about a foot behind your ear.

(Cont.)

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>>35333796
Ester peers down at you. "... um, you can stop hiding in the corner and covering your head in fear now."

You shakily stand up and brush yourself off, scowling at her and her stupid pointless little game mechanics. You were NOT cowering. You just have a very finely honed survival instinct.

"Whatever you say, Martial Artist A!" Ester falls into step behind you as you immediately start ignoring her, hastily getting away from the dilapidated, skelephant-bone-filled chamber as fast as you can. You start making pretty good time down the tunnels, not hearing or seeing any monsters around.

... after a few blessed moments of silence, you realize that she's standing really close behind you, matching your footsteps in perfect sync.

[ ] [PERSONAL SPACE] Please back up and stop shadowing my every footstep.
[ ] [PARTY CHAT] Armok damn it, she really has to stop calling you 'Martial Artist A.' Why is she even here?
[ ] [INFORMATION] Is she a Lowee native? Maybe she knows more about this place than you do.
[ ] [SILENCE] Let her talk first. You've got a stoic dwarfy reputation to maintain.
[ ] [IGNORE] nope, fuck everything, no talking, screw everything, we're blitzing to the damn treasure room.
[ ] [WRITE-IN]

Dragon Quest? That's.. actually quite respectable. You see a ton of those around.

[ ] [INFORMATION] Is she a Lowee native? Maybe she knows more about this place than you do.

>>35333837
>[ ] [PARTY CHAT] Armok damn it, she really has to stop calling you 'Martial Artist A.' Why is she even here?
Urist is a proud and noble Dwarf damn it

>>35333837
>[ ] [PERSONAL SPACE] Please back up and stop shadowing my every footstep.
>[ ] [PARTY CHAT] Armok damn it, she really has to stop calling you 'Martial Artist A.' Why is she even here?

>>35333837
>[ ] [PARTY CHAT] Armok damn it, she really has to stop calling you 'Martial Artist A.' Why is she even here?
>[ ] [INFORMATION] Is she a Lowee native? Maybe she knows more about this place than you do.
Oh god, what if Dragon Quest and Dorf Fortress monsters were breeding. And we get like Liquid Metal Carp.

>>35333796

Well at least Dragon Quest has a nice long pedigree, of games, going back 20 years when they first started ripping off Western games.

>>35333837

[X] [PARTY CHAT] I got a name, it is the only way to get my attention when I am drinking a beer.

[X] [PERSONAL SPACE] Why follow in lock step? spread out a little so a single trap won't kill you both. Follow it up with a nice beer burp.

[X] [INFORMATION] Some information would be nice too.

>>35333901
>Liquid Metal Carp.
I quit

>>35333916
Agreed. As Peppy as DQ-Chan is, she's at least got a Proud Rich History of Nintendo Hard RPGs from the 8-Bit Era.
I'm happy to have her along.

Party Chat and Information have it, so I'll be combining them; writing!

[PERSONAL SPACE]
[PARTY CHAT] Tell her our name and god.

Also see if she has any =Dwarven Ale=.

>>35333901
Armok help us.

>>35333978

The DQ games were never hard, even on the Nes. They just encouraged continual grinding. Just like computer games from that era. If you did not 1 round the boss you did not grind enough.

DQ 1 and 2 especially needed grinding. the GBA remake reduced grinding a bit, but you still needed to do it.

DQ 3 was at least a huge enough world that you were able to bypass much pure grinding due to just walking from one area to another. (also the NES manual gave you the defend x3, go back to get 1/2 damage from the first 3 people bug, it let you be more aggressive then you would otherwise.)

DQ 4 was better, but gave us the insufferable ability to contorl only 1 person.

>>35333837
>[ ] [PERSONAL SPACE] Please back up and stop shadowing my every footstep.
>[ ] [PARTY CHAT] Armok damn it, she really has to stop calling you 'Martial Artist A.' Why is she even here?

>>35333901
What about a Liquid Metal Carpaphant?

>>35334297
You scare me.

>>35333837
>PARTY CHAT
>INFORMATION
As you descend deeper into the ruins, you all but ignore the increasingly dense fresco of hieroglyphs cluttering up the walls in favor of trying to walk faster than Ester. She effortlessly matches pace with you, and you're pretty sure she's somehow constantly maintaining some specific (but still short) distance from you.

It doesn't help that you can feel her damn breath on the top of your head, once again reminding you that you're stupidly short without any of the benefits of being a stout, solid wall of muscle. Maybe if you hadn't lost your helmet somewhere in the snowdrifts of western Lowee-

You're on the verge of asking Ester to keep her distance, but you realize that you're overlooking a pretty big source of information on the nation you know the least about. You don't bother looking over her shoulder when you ask her, but you KNOW that she's doing that head-tilting thing again.

"Huh? Ah..." Ester hesitates for a moment, and then she sounds more serious than you've ever heard her. "No. I /used/ to be a native, but that was a long time ago. But it's not like Lowee's changed a whole lot, right?" Ah. There's her peppiness again.

You ask her another question. You don't really expect an answer- no one else could even TELL you what this place was called- but you figure you might as well ask her anyway.

"This ruin? Oh, it's the original Four-Color Pallet."

Ester pauses as you nearly lose your goddamn footing and do a double-take at the walls. The squiggly little monster drawings pretty much confirm that yes, you've been tromping around in the oldest temple to the /goddamn Pocket Monster Trainer/, the strongest weapon Lowee has in its arsenal.

(Cont.)

>>35334695
The Dragon Warrior apparently catches something in your expression, because she starts shaking her head. "N-No, it's okay! Really! She ascended a long time ago, so it's not like she's going to mind that her home's become a dungeon!"

You really, really hope Ester's right. If you become a werepikachu or something equally stupid, you're seriously going to tear her throat out.

"I'm serious! It's her newer temples that everyone goes to, anyway."

Your party member's confidence puts you a little more at ease. After a moment, you roll your shoulders and start walking again, shifting your breastplate back into position. Ester must've spent a LOT of time in Lowee if she knows this much about such an obscure ruin.

"... yeah. I was born in Lowee, Martial Artist A-"

Urist. You're Urist, not some extra in a bad movie.

"Urist it is, then!"

... GOD, she rolls with everything, doesn't she? Why is she even in this ruins if she knows so much about this place already? This dungeon doesn't have any more loot for her to pick up, does it?

"Hmm..." Ester's probably tilting her head again. You're surprised she hasn't broken her neck from all the action it's getting. "You could call it paying my respects?"

(Cont.)

>>35334720
The rest of the walk passes without incident. No more dogoos rise up to push at you with their bodies, no more skeletal elephants trumpet their rage at you, and no more specters of your past decide to re-traumatize you all over again. The end of the tunnel is a small, homely room, looking like it used to be some sort of office or something. In the front, rotted wooden bookshelves play host to a bunch of spotted mushrooms; in the back, moldering piles of paper sit on rotting, half-collapsed desks. A pile of rusted, ruined electronic things sit in the corner, the long-ago broken remains of some computer or system whose function you can't even begin to guess at.

There are no statues, no raised platforms with stone pillars, no precious metals to be found anywhere. (You rate this room a 'meh' on your internal satisfaction meter.) Instead, there's just a table with three glowing, floating cubes on it, the telltale sign of personalized treasure just waiting to be opened. The table itself contains the only splash of color in the room: a strange combination of red, green, blue, and yellow, still bright and cheery after all this time.

Ester looks a little wistful at the sight of the table, like she was expecting to see something else. You can't even begin to guess why, but then, you're too busy walking up to the table and choosing your prize.

(Cont.)

File: the lab.jpg (38 KB, 358x429)

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>>35334741
Something tells you you can only choose one, at least for now. The other two will reappear the next time you go dungeon crawling. Probably.

[ ] [BUG TRACKER] A strange, green emblem of a mantis. You will learn more about yourself, and anticipate your... little /issues/ before they occur with startling accuracy. It won't fix anything, but you'll be able to compensate and choose less buggy choices.
[ ] [DF HACK] It looks for all the world like some sort of portable, miniaturized bookshelf. Empty for now, but it will allow you to tinker with the fibers of your being; this tool will let you grow and (probably) overcome your bugs, but only after they occur.
[ ] [USER INTERFACE] Goggles whose lenses look chock full of alphabet soup, which makes sense only to you. This allows you to effect a compromise between the reality of this world and the reality of how you were coded, giving you some... rather strange, potentially unstable abilities.

>>35334775
>[x] [USER INTERFACE]

because fixing yourself is for people who have problems, which we totally don't.

>>35328546
>. You are apparently the moe personification of Dwarf Fortress
If i was drinking i would have done a spit take

>>35334775
>[X] [DF HACK] It looks for all the world like some sort of portable, miniaturized bookshelf. Empty for now, but it will allow you to tinker with the fibers of your being; this tool will let you grow and (probably) overcome your bugs, but only after they occur.

>DF HACK
Master Wrester here we come.

Also, eat the mushrooms.

>>35334775
[ ] [USER INTERFACE] Goggles whose lenses look chock full of alphabet soup, which makes sense only to you. This allows you to effect a compromise between the reality of this world and the reality of how you were coded, giving you some... rather strange, potentially unstable abilities.

>>35334775
>[ ] [DF HACK] It looks for all the world like some sort of portable, miniaturized bookshelf. Empty for now, but it will allow you to tinker with the fibers of your being; this tool will let you grow and (probably) overcome your bugs, but only after they occur.
Fixing bad stuff is probably good.

>>35334775
>[ ] [DF HACK] It looks for all the world like some sort of portable, miniaturized bookshelf. Empty for now, but it will allow you to tinker with the fibers of your being; this tool will let you grow and (probably) overcome your bugs, but only after they occur.

>>35334775
>[X] [DF HACK] It looks for all the world like some sort of portable, miniaturized bookshelf. Empty for now, but it will allow you to tinker with the fibers of your being; this tool will let you grow and (probably) overcome your bugs, but only after they occur.

[X] [DF HACK] It looks for all the world like some sort of portable, miniaturized bookshelf. Empty for now, but it will allow you to tinker with the fibers of your being; this tool will let you grow and (probably) overcome your bugs, but only after they occur.

>>35328968
>tying them up in thick and unkempt braids, but your beard... well, you TRIED putting on a fake one, but that only served to highlight your lack of a real one.
what if you wrap your braided hair frontward and then braid that together to at least somewhat cover your nude chin?

>>35334775
[X] [USER INTERFACE] Goggles whose lenses look chock full of alphabet soup, which makes sense only to you. This allows you to effect a compromise between the reality of this world and the reality of how you were coded, giving you some... rather strange, potentially unstable abilities.

First thing you hack is a beard. It is a bug afterall.

>>35334921
... alright, definitely saving this idea for a later decision tree.

And it looks like DF Hack wins by a landslide. Writing the next post!

>>35334775
>[x] [USER INTERFACE] Goggles whose lenses look chock full of alphabet soup, which makes sense only to you. This allows you to effect a compromise between the reality of this world and the reality of how you were coded, giving you some... rather strange, potentially unstable abilities.

>>35334775
>DF HACK

You tarry for a moment, stuck between the bookshelf and the goggles. Eventually, there's a flash of light as you come to your decision and grip the middle cube, claiming DF Hack as your own. It's... okay, it's not LITERALLY a bookshelf, it's more a pad. Like one of those devices that can't decide if it's a laptop or a touchscreen phone, stuck in that horrible no-man's land of inconvenience between two conflicting uses and achieving neither. But hey, DF Hack IS just large enough to fit in your palm, so you stow it in the pocket of your -puppy leather trousers- for later examination.

>Congratulations! You're fractionally less broken than when you started out!

The other cubes disappear; for a moment, you swear you hear the ghost of voices echoing through the room, but it's probably just your imagination.

... or it could also be the vengeful undead, spirits who haven't been properly entombed or memorialized, and they'll break both your legs and watch you die a long, lingering death. You carefully step back from the table, every sense on high alert, and then Ester squeals and your heart nearly bursts out of your fucking chest oh god why.

The black-haired swordsgirl bounds up to you like some sort of overgrown puppy and shoves some sort of crystal in your face, heedless of your near brush with a horrible medical crisis. "Urist! Urist! Look, I found a thing!"

[ ] [TERRIFIC] ... yes, Ester. Yes, you did. Now let's never speak of it again, and let's go before we're torn apart by ghosts. Or another ruins guardian.
[ ] [EXAMINE] Okay, great, it's a thing. What sort of thing IS it, and can I see it from farther away than two inches from my nose?
[ ] [QUESTION] Is that YOUR personalized random loot drop from this damn dungeon?
[ ] [WRITE-IN]

>>35335246
>[ ] [TERRIFIC] ... yes, Ester. Yes, you did. Now let's never speak of it again, and let's go before we're torn apart by ghosts. Or another ruins guardian.
>[ ] [EXAMINE] Okay, great, it's a thing. What sort of thing IS it, and can I see it from farther away than two inches from my nose?
Examine on the way back.

>>35335246
>[ ] [TERRIFIC] ... yes, Ester. Yes, you did. Now let's never speak of it again, and let's go before we're torn apart by ghosts. Or another ruins guardian.
>[ ] [EXAMINE] Okay, great, it's a thing. What sort of thing IS it, and can I see it from farther away than two inches from my nose?

>>35329910
shut up c/a/ncer

>>35335246
>[ ] [TERRIFIC] ... yes, Ester. Yes, you did. Now let's never speak of it again, and let's go before we're torn apart by ghosts. Or another ruins guardian.
>[ ] [EXAMINE] Okay, great, it's a thing. What sort of thing IS it, and can I see it from farther away than two inches from my nose?

> [TERRIFIC]
Lets encrust it on something while she isn't looking.

[ ] [EXAMINE] Okay, great, it's a thing. What sort of thing IS it, and can I see it from farther away than two inches from my nose?

>>35335246
>[X] [TERRIFIC] ... yes, Ester. Yes, you did. Now let's never speak of it again, and let's go before we're torn apart by ghosts. Or another ruins guardian.
>[X] [EXAMINE] Okay, great, it's a thing. What sort of thing IS it, and can I see it from farther away than two inches from my nose?

I wonder if it can be traded for beer.

>>35335246
[ ] [TERRIFIC]
[ ] [EXAMINE]

>>35335246

>EXAMINE
and
>runrunrunrunrunrun

>>35335499
All things can be traded for beer.
All.
Things.

>>35335561

Well then, the only important thing is to determine how much beer it is worth.

>>35335246
>TERRIFIC/EXAMINE!

Yeah, you're not staying in here any longer than you have to. You know the score: treasure like this doesn't pop up without some horrific beast swinging in to defend it, and you're really not in the mood for another big horrific battle to sap what little strength you have left. You're not particularly strong when you're exhausted.

You insert your hand between your face and the crystal, levering it away from your nose. Without another word, you grab Ester's wrist and tow her out of the room; she immediately falls into her normal rhythm, exactly one step behind you. Never faltering, never stepping on your heels.

... and never shutting up.

"I KNEW my instincts were spot-on! This is a legendary find, you know! This temple should've been picked clean of everything but the random drops, but we got lucky! Legendarily lucky!" Ester gushes, still cradling the crystal in her hands. She's got stars in her eyes, for crying out loud.

Alright, fine, you'll bite. What IS it?

"Sharicite! A big, legendary chunk of Sharicite!"

(Cont.)

>>35335561
yes but this is her thing not our thing
also, some things are more important than beer, our thing might allow us to grow a beard.

>>35335658
You stop dead in your tracks. Ester doesn't bump into you from behind, and you turn to stare at her, feeling the blood drain from your face. Really? It's Sharicite?

"Yup! I haven't seen one this big since-"

Sharicite? As in the crystallized form of raw shares?

"Yup! You've heard of it, right?"

... Sharicite, as in the miracle substance that takes stupid amounts of time and effort and magic to manufacture, can energize CPUs and be used to power a ridiculous amount of divine weaponry, and is so sought-after that people have been known to murder for it?

Ester nod-nod-nods, her eyes bright and shining and innocent and naive and full of the hopes and dreams of an entire generation of Famicom-playing Japanese schoolkids. "Yup! That's the one! I wonder how much Lowee's Basilicom will pay us for something like this?"

Armok preserve you, you don't even care that she's used 'Yup' three times in a row. Hell, the age-old, extremely crucial question of "how much beer can this be traded in for" does linger in the back of your mind, but even THAT'S outweighed by the consideration that you really, really want to survive long enough to enjoy your alcohol. Because if something this big is just sitting here, then the monster that's bound to be guarding it-

Your thoughts are interrupted by a... a sound. It's far worse than a roar. It's the absence of any semblance of respect for the laws of the universe, as fucked up as they are in this place.

"So we should probably run really, really fast!" Ester chirrups, patting you on the shoulder.

>Urist Twelfthbay runs the fuck away!
ROLL d20! (dice+1d20 in the email field)
Taking the best of three!

>>35335690
DC: 17+

Rolled 9 (1d20)

>>35335690

>>35335690

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>>35335690

We are so gonna die, whats worse, likely scared sober.

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>35335690

What

Nope.

We ded. Quick DFHack our position stat!

>>35335752
>>35335763
>>35335776
Welp

>>35335752
>>35335763
>>35335776
We're fucked.

Rolled 553 (1d1000)

>>35335690
Rolling 1 d 1000 for the save

>>35335816
>>35335836

From what I understand that's a feature of dwarf fortress.

Your fucked and going to die.

maybe we can use our tablet to do a hack to save ourselves?

>>35335856
but we aren't IN dwarf fortress. we are the moe personification of it in the land of nintento.

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>>35335690
Forgotten Beast time! Moe edition.

>>35335816
>>35335836
>14
>"we're fucked!"

Calm down. We'll probably be fine.

>>35335926

>Urist Twelthbay gives in to pain.

>>35335926
Motherfucker we just got a crystal of one of the most expensive/greatest materials in this world, and now that crystal's monster protector is after us, and we failed the roll.
We
are
fucked.

>>35335690
>9, 9, 14
>Comparatively close, but-
You do what you can, but you're not really a short-distance sprinter. Especially not after taking on two battles in a row; you're already pretty tuckered out. This is /precisely/ why you wanted to avoid a nasty fight if you could help it.

'Course, the world you live in isn't THAT kind, even as fluffy and cute as Gamindustri is, so of COURSE you go sprawling onto your face. Your armor protects you from most of it, but you probably skinned your nose. And that's seriously the least of your worries right now.

"Ah." Somehow, SOMEHOW, Ester didn't trip over you. She peers down at you, not looking particularly worried even as the hallways behind you two begin filling up with liquid darkness. "We're going to stand and fight?"

... you sit up, and you can't even muster the energy to be angry. You made an Armok-damned promise, and you really won't be able to keep it, but you hastily wipe at your eyes, stuff your despair back down into your chest, and give Ester a different reply. No, we're going to stand and /die/, you lunatic.

"Aw, c'mon, don't be so glum!" The Dragon Warrior lifts you back up. She doesn't even look scared. Maybe she doesn't even KNOW how to be scared. "I'll find a way. Always have, always will." Ester hefts her sword and shield before lunging straight into the abyssal darkness. "Into the legend!"

(Cont.)

>>35336058
... and she freezes in midair.

You squint at her. Yeah, she's... okay, she's glitching pretty badly, you can see her outline turning into multicolored blocks and squares and shit. You're not sure if that's better or worse than getting messily dismembered, but you don't think Ester will be much help right now.

The abyssal darkness turns its attention on you, quietly resolving itself into purple-and-white blocks. You're dead certain that you won't be able to outrun it, but at least you only have a skinned nose holding you back. And bloodied knuckles. And the fact that you're the moe personification of Dwarf Fortress, which doesn't mean a whole lot.

... well, shit. You're pretty sure most of your options are going to lead to >Urist Twelfthbay gives in to pain.

[ ] [GLITCH] You've... you've dealt with glitches before. You can take this one on. You have just the thing, but it'll fuck you up real bad for a while.
[ ] [HACK] Okay, so DF Hack's just a shell right now, and it's probably not actually meant for combat use, but it MIGHT help. Or fuck you up for a while.
[ ] [ESTER] Try to pull her out before you try anything else. That doesn't look healthy to be near, though, so it- well, okay, you know the drill.
[ ] [WRITE-IN]

>>35336058
Bitch be cray

>>35336104
>[ ] [GLITCH] You've... you've dealt with glitches before. You can take this one on. You have just the thing, but it'll fuck you up real bad for a while.
When bitches be glitchin', we'd best do some bitchin' glitchin' right back at em.

>>35336104
[x] [GLITCH] You've... you've dealt with glitches before. You can take this one on. You have just the thing, but it'll fuck you up real bad for a while.

>>35336104
>[ ] [GLITCH] You've... you've dealt with glitches before. You can take this one on. You have just the thing, but it'll fuck you up real bad for a while.

We are Dwarf Fortress, we may be moe personificiation, but this ain't nothing compared to the shit we went through.

>>35336104
[ ] [ESTER] Try to pull her out before you try anything else. That doesn't look healthy to be near, though, so it- well, okay, you know the drill.
If videogame easiness=toughness, she is tank, we are glass cannon.
[] [WRITE IN] look for Fluffy wamblers

[ ] [ESTER] Try to pull her out before you try anything else. That doesn't look healthy to be near, though, so it- well, okay, you know the drill.

>>35336104
>[ ] [ESTER] Try to pull her out before you try anything else. That doesn't look healthy to be near, though, so it- well, okay, you know the drill.

>>35336104
>[ ] [ESTER] Try to pull her out before you try anything else. That doesn't look healthy to be near, though, so it- well, okay, you know the drill.

>>35336104
>[ ] [ESTER] Try to pull her out before you try anything else. That doesn't look healthy to be near, though, so it- well, okay, you know the drill.
>[ ] [GLITCH] You've... you've dealt with glitches before. You can take this one on. You have just the thing, but it'll fuck you up real bad for a while.
Don't want to hurt her by accident.

>>35336104
>[X] [ESTER] Try to pull her out!
>[X] [GLITCH] You've... you've dealt with glitches before.

Well, one possibility is that you could just let this all end.

This isn't the first time you've toyed with the thought. When you're paralyzed by some crippling bug preventing you from getting out of bed, you wonder what it would be like to NOT be a walking contradiction. You could /probably/ push down your ever-present horror of dying and hope that being consumed by some sort of ancient glitch monster will be a little more painless than bloody discombobulation. Maybe you'll be one of the luckier adventurers, those who have some sort of hard respawn coded into their very beings. Maybe you'll pop up as another dwarf somewhere else in Gamindustri. The worst thing that could happen is that you cease to exist.

... 'course, if THAT happened, you won't be able to drink any more alcohol. And this time around, you aren't the only one whose life is at stake.

You steel yourself with another draft of your tertiary alcohol supply before wading into the worst of the glitch field. Immediately, your false ribs and one of your kidneys cease to exist, but that's not TOO bad in the grand scheme of things; you've got enough working parts coded in you, some of it redundant and most of it just there to cause you unnecessary pain, that it'll be a while before you're really debilitated.

You study Ester's frozen form for a moment. Even now, in a matter of life and death, the laws of this stupid schoolgirl-infested world dictate that since she's taller than you, currently midair, and wearing a skirt, you could see her panties. She's apparently been around long enough to adapt, since she's wearing gym shorts, and your estimation of her rises a notch. But absolutely none of that matters to anyone who isn't a craven neckbea- a craven elf, so you unceremoniously grab her ankle and throw her back out into the hallway behind you, relieved to hear her yelp in pain.

(Cont.)

>>35336580
You get the sense that the glitch is side-eyeing you like you're some sort of curiosity. That gives you enough time to reach into yourself and, with a grunt of pain, unravel some of what makes you /you/, and manifest it as two glowing shapes that immediately begin prowling through the abyssal glitchness.

Two cats.

You're in luck; the glitch seems to enjoy multiplication, and you watch through increasingly unfocused eyes as the damn thing greedily devours the cats into itself, speeding up the process by some ludicrous amount. It's over.

>Stray Cat has given birth to kittens.
>Stray Kitten has grown to become a Stray Cat.
>Stray Cat has given birth to kittens.
>Stray Kitten has grown to become a Stray Cat.
>Stray Cat has given birth to kittens.
>Stray Kitten has grown to become a Stray Cat.
>Stray Cat has given birth to kittens.
>Stray Kitten has grown to become a Stray Cat.
>Stray Cat has given birth to kittens...

The glitch doesn't even understand what's happening to it as its entire body slows to a crawl. You'd gloat, but as always, the process drags you down with it, slowing YOUR being to a crawl, even as you begin the laborious process of wading back out to where Ester's sitting up and trying to recover.

... it's been a few minutes. You really, really could use another dri-

>Urist Twelfthbay gives in to pain.

[TO BE CONTINUED NEXT THREAD]

>>35336603
>[TO BE CONTINUED NEXT THREAD]
Fuck you don't leave it off like that

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And that's a wrap! Thanks for participating, and I hope you enjoyed tonight's thread, as weird as it was. This was sort of an introductory piece; next time should offer more choices and/or potential for mayhem.

Anyway, the next thread should be this coming Wednesday (10/8) at 7 pm EST! Changes to schedule and/or updates will be on my Twitter account, up at https://twitter.com/BlorpQuest

Thanks again, and lemme know if you have any thoughts!


>>35336642
Sorry, it was either this or ending it right at that failed roll, and that probably would have been an even worse cliffhanger.

>>35336676
OP we better meet some other ASCII characters. Also I was entertained

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>>35336603
Well, we know what comes next.
>>35336881
Yeah, could be fun to see some older stuff like Rogue, or more contemporary games like Cataclysm. I get the feeling they'd all hang out in the same shitty tavern.

Or we could just buddy up with Moe Space Station 13. Pretty sure between the two of them the world would end in magma and neurotoxin.


Great quest, OP. Makes the HSN-setting interesting to me. Will be watching eagerly.

>>35336603
>>Urist Twelfthbay gives in to pain.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

>>35336603
..Can we edit cats' internal body temperature with dfhack? I'm being reminded of the thermonuclear catsplosion recording.

>>35339531
Ah, found it.

http://www.mkv25.net/dfma/movie-518-nuclearcatsplosion

>>35339552
What in Armok's name am I looking at?

I've only seen other people play DF, but did that heat wave evaporate the meat off the cats' bones?

>>35339632
yes. and pretty much anything nearby.

>>35339632
The internal temperature of the cats had been edited to being ridiculously high, without making said cats resistant to the new temperature. So the cats exploded. And with sever on breaks, their limbs are severed quite nicely for shrapnel.

>>35336881
>>35336969
Glad you enjoyed it! Other ASCII characters are a distinct possibility, though keep in mind that the older they are (and if they aren't an ongoing series in some form or other), they may be much, much harder to find. Alive.

>>35339531
>thermonuclear catsplosion

It's... /theoretically/ possible, but not for a long while yet, especially since Urist only just got her hands on DFHack! There's also the question of whether you WANT everything in a three-mile radius (including Urist and anyone else around) blasted into bloody atoms, with everything else transformed into a flame-scorched fiery wasteland littered with kitty-based shrapnel.

On top of that, assuming anyone survives the blast, Urist will probably be pretty heavily judged. Remember, Gamindustri is a fluffy kawaii sugoi desu bullshit land, and detonating kitties probably goes against this place's equivalent of the Geneva Convention or something. And on top of THAT, simply executing 2 CAT currently takes a pretty heavy toll on Urist. Turning them into melting bombs on top of that would quadruple it.

In short, it'd be a game-changer, and not necessarily for the better.

>>35342956
>There's also the question of whether you WANT everything in a three-mile radius (including Urist and anyone else around) blasted into bloody atoms, with everything else transformed into a flame-scorched fiery wasteland littered with kitty-based shrapnel.

...That's not a question.

It's like asking if I want to flood the overworld with magma, not a question at all. Are we not the personification of Dorf Fortress? Losing is Fun! Fun is Losing!

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>>35343255
Well, I-

That-

... I just realized that it's a distinct possibility that Urist will live long enough to see herself become the villain.

>>35343351
>distinct

>>35343351
>>35343373
>implying moralfags will not invade the quest

>>35343427
That ain't dorfy

>>35343351
If we had the interface, we could do much more insidious things :/

At least we can reveal veins & underground with dfhack, not to mention potentially teleport things.

>>35343351
Would it only affect Urist's cats or every cat in Gamindustri?

>>35343471
It's going to take a LOT of tinkering for Urist to plumb the depths of DFHack, yes, but that's all technically possible!

>>35343516
Only Urist's cats! Even with DFHack, Urist can only affect herself, her immediate surroundings (depending on certain variables), or things she's able to spawn.

>>35343726
...could we potentially spawn a dragon and set it to aggro the enemies before us by raising their threat value?

>>35344722
... I'll say that it'd be /theoretically/ possible, but it'll have to be farther along.

Urist will need a few more tools at her disposal (more than an empty DFHack she doesn't really know how to use), and she'll also need the endurance to do so, since she'll literally be burning away her very being to summon things (and you saw how much 2 CAT taxed her).

>>35343726
is it possible to use DFHack to become more proper dwarfy?

male, bearded, stocky, wall of muscle? ooh, proper dwarven beer! (maybe hack an everlasting mug of proper dwarven beer)

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>>35345525
>proper dwarfy
>male

>>35344857
Could we maybe into QB?

>>35345525
I'm sorry, anon. DFHack is a powerful tool, but even it can't do anything against the laws of Gamindustri's universe, which dictate that all moe personifications have to be nauseatingly cute anime Japanese schoolgirls.

... that might not stop Urist from TRYING, of course.

>>35345862
Into what now?

>>35346373
Oh come now! There must be at least one fitly looking male in this wasteland of moe and sparkling despair!

>>35346724
I'm sorry anon. I know it's a blow. If it makes you feel better, dwarf women are cooler anyway (though not while looking like Japanese schoolgirls).

>>35346373
>... that might not stop Urist from TRYING, of course.
that would be gloriously awful.

... and when it fails she will cry in the most moe way possible.

>>35346724
Guys exist, but they are faceless and generic with very few exceptions. If I recall correctly, the only males with personalities are villainous.

>>35346724
>>35346882
Basically, yeah. If there's a guy, he's either 1) a villain, 2) a reverse trap, or 3) a villainous giant robot guy thing.

>>35346817
And that will only make her cry even harder.

>>35346373
Can we, through the magic of DFHack, become Kyuubey?

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>>35347042

don't forget guys

all thrown items do the same amount of damage: lots

>>35347571
You mean decapitating bronze colossi with thrown bunnies?

We should try to find a small room and fill it with pointy sticks. We will rule Gamindustry in no time.

>>35347734
We'd probably need the interface for that, part to construct the traps, part to construct the water reactor to power it indefinetly.

>>35348056
I thought more along the lines of constructing a danger room and training ourselves to be the greatest warrior Gamindustry has ever seen.

>>35348056
>>35348549
or just put a pump in so we can pump while dodging spikes while in neck-high water to practice swimming.