Some more, to get this shit rolling.
>The survival packs under the crew ejection seats are, by law, meant to contain a rubber raft and two weeks emergency rations plus survival equipment in each one. Instead they contain a small inflatable paddling pool and fourteen tins of spam, corned beef or chef boyardee ravioli along with a small toy fishing rod.
>The auto-chef issues every organic being on board, regardless of species or religion, with a ww2-style British 'Compo' ration in all its horrors.
>The gun-turrets are manually laid.

Every hatch has the usual little labels pointing out the direct route to the nearest vacc suit, airlock, head, damcon locker, or whatever else is necessary.

This ship is different. Every hatch on the ship is labelled with the most direct route to the closest coffee machine.

(It's a quirk, but not a terribly bad one. Merry Christmas!)

>>36991049
Merry Christmas yourself! I was planning on doing this yesterday, but I guessed everyone would be a tad distracted.

it sure would be nice to have that stateroom back in passenger service, but who knows? Maybe one day you will need a full back-up navigation system made of ultra-rugged clockwork. It even has manuals, so even the strongest EMP won't stop you from making it back to port. Just yell instructions down the corridor to Jameson and have him crack open the manual thruster controls.

>>36990938
The ship originally served as a radio broadcasting station. The old AI DJ is still around, and answers to every question and order in the most bombastic and flamboyant way possible.

It also has an enormous collection of songs aboard, and is not above playing (horribly inappropriate) music at every moment it can.

Moar!
>The arti-grav has tides. They aren't strong, but greenies tend to spew the first time it hits them.
>The control panel has warning lights for when the coffee pot in engineering is empty. Even if the pot isn't actually in engineering at the time, it still goes off and the alarm takes ages to shut off.
>The navigation suite consist of a gyro-compass, a sextant, and a stopwatch. Dead reckoning and astronav apps are the only way to fly it.
>The coffe machine has a turbo-charger and is linked into the fuel pressurisation system. It makes really, really fast espresso.

>>36991114
>All I can imagine is a the AI with Guy Fieri's voice
>Ye God's
>Also the radio plays mostly Smashmouth

>>36991201
One of the previous engineers was really into cold brew coffee. Yes, his brewing rig is still buried deep inside the coolant systems, and it takes 72 hours to brew a single cup. Run that cup through the primary plasma buffers to get it up to drinking temperature, though, and you won't need to drink more for a week.

>>36991243
The ship is also a restaurant. Fine dining in the stars!

>Fieri
Oh god

>>36991248
Drink one cup, you're awake. Two cups and you can't sleep for three days. Three cups and you stop blinking altogether.

The doors kinda broke. All of them. Fortunately the transporters are great, you can be beamed straight from your cabin to your duty station, then beam over to the bar for a quick pint, then back... oh, right, bar. Well with the doors jammed and everyone being beamed around, they had to do something with the corridors, and there are only so many hydroponics setups a ship needs.

Still, works great when you're boarded.

>The process used to actually start the ship is so fucked and jurry rigged that only the pilot who has been driving the thing for fifteen years knows how to do it.
>Amazingly this is a good thing because anyone who has tried to steal it failed miserably.

>>36991294
>what the fuck is a magneto, and why a there eleven of them?

No one is quite sure what the AI saw in hyperspace, but it's absolutely terrified of seeing it again. When it still had the option, the AI core would jettison itself rather than activate the hyperdrive.

>>36991291
>this is literally the only good idea to come out of star fleet battles, btw

That one fucking hatch.
You know the one. The one that has just slightly less room above it than all the others ones, so you need to remember to duck a little deeper when going through it so you don't bump your head something fierce. And you're practically guaranteed to not think of it when you're actually in a hurry because, say, Johnson's improvised still started another fire down in engineering.

The cargo doors get caught frequently and you usually have to beat the shit out of it with a wrench to get it to start moving again. This has lead to a lot of close calls and one instance of limb loss. You can still see some of the crusty blood from where Peters lost his leg.

The starboard escape pods are long gone, and their empty compartments have been turned into bunks. They're welded shut on the outside, of course, but it's still recommended to keep your hands off the EJECT buttons.

>The cargo hold arm is broken, making it an absolute bitch to load and unload the interior cargo bays or shift cargo around in transit. As a result, the interior bays tend to be left unloaded or lightly loaded, which has the side effect of making the ship's handling wonky due to center-of-mass issues.

>The ship was designed when space elevators and dedicated SSTOs were the main means of planet-to-space transit. The antigrav system is a retrofit, and sort of hangs awkwardly off the underside of the vessel. Repairing it requires an EVA since it isn't actually part of the maintenance duct system, and its shoddy radiation shielding results in constant computer errors. Fortunately, the one time it failed it atmosphere they were far enough above the ground to reboot it mid-fall.

>In addition to the fusion engine, there's a backup fission reactor for long-term distress-beacon and cryogenics power. It was installed and then completely forgotten about; thirty years without maintenance means the shielding on the pile is just about ready to give way.

>There's a box launcher for six fire-and-forget missiles on the port side. There aren't any controls for it beyond a shoot/don't shoot toggle, and nobody remembers where it came from.

God knows what happened to the old cooling system, but the one we've got jury-rigged up somehow involves manually winding a cuckoo clock at random times.

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>>36990938
>the ship was originally a troop transport, but whoever built it had some strange ideas regarding planetary invasions
>the cargo capacity is deceptive, as the onboard computer insists on using the cargo bays for live-fire bioweapons testing
>at least the camera feeds are entertaining to watch

The ship was originally made by an aquatic species. Most areas have been converted for use by air-breathers, but some rarely-used areas are still flooded. Turns out that modern space suits work pretty well for diving, too. And some fresh fish is always a nice alternative to whatever it is that the extruders in the galley, well, extrude.

>The AI in charge of the weapon systems was lifted off an old Bazaar-class trade station, we have to pay every time we want to shoot anything, the lowest priced object is the point defense, at the low price of five Old Earth dollars for every shell fired.

>The propulsion engine isn't actually anchored right, so it sometimes swings loose and points in a random direction, the navigation never catches it until several hours have passed and we are hopelessly lost.

>A shipping accident with emergency Foamcrete designed to stabilize building foundations at the same time as a massive earthquake lead us to have absolutely no hallways on the ship, and only half a cargo bay, thankfully, the maintenance shafts are relatively clean.

>The Maintenance AI for our left missile batteries hiccups when reloading sometimes, placing the missiles in backwards, somehow they manage to fire correctly anyway.

>Sometimes the external radiation shields fail, making the entire crew of the ship take shelter in the most shielded room available, Deck 3's public restroom, the ship owners refuse to let us a hire a Janitor.

>This one time, in an effort to save fuel cost, the cheif engineer decided to microwave some Uranium Rods to, and I quote, "Make then double radioactive". Since then the engine room's AI has demanded all of his "food" be cooked beforehand.

>>36991114
>old AI DJ is still around
>>36991243
>All I can imagine is a the AI with Guy Fieri's voice

I'm imaging T.A.R.S. as the DJ.

>The AI of the ship was bought for cheap at an auction.
>It used to manage one of the largest roller coasters on an amusement park planet.
>It likes to randomly stop the warp drive mid-jump and then instantly restart it just to scare the shit out of the crew.
>There's no way to re-program it.

>Small military patrol craft
>Only one bathroom.
>Due to budget constraints it had to be placed right underneath the gravity generator
>upside down and in zero-g
>The gravity generation was also made by the lowest bidding contractor.
>The field randomly fluctuates so you sometimes fall to the ground with your feces falling on top of you.
>Command is too cheap to have it fixed.

Fuck this shitty outfit.

>There is a hive of Vendian bees somewhere in the ventilation systems. It's been there so long the Vent AI no longer comments on it, simply working around the hive. Attempts to find it have failed, as Vendian hives can move and know the ventilation better than any crew member
>Because of the specific harmonics of the engine, all mirrors break when attached to walls. Polished bronze is the temporary solution, but still wobbles
>All the chairs and stools are bolted down seemingly at random, many being too close or too far to tables, with Cabin 429 having it's stool on the ceiling
>The only vids on the entertainment system are black and white samurai films. This would be less of a problem if the subtitles weren't in Northen Plutoian
>The Engineering Overseer AI demands that no meat come near it's section, on pain of laser. Since Engineering is in the middle of the ship, any food deliveries have to go all around to the kitchen, or slotted through the window
>There is a pool, installed when the ship was a pleasure yacht. The arti-grav fluxes at random intervals, flooding hallways and surprising swimmers. Engineering's current theory is that there is a forgotten sub-routine in the arti-grav control's code, but aren't willing to search 3^20000 uncommented, non-standard lines to find it

>>36992925
>The old flushing system had been removed years ago by the old chief engineer and used as an emergency plasma flush on the main engine during a time of crisis
>To keep the toilet working, the engineer added a simple flap that exits directly into hard vacuum
>The bathroom's life support system can handle it
>DO NOT FLUSH WHILE SEATED
>And take a firm grip on the handle that has since been welded onto the wall.

We put no small amount of effort on the appearance of our ships, as befitting a mercenary company. It's sharp lines, predatory angles and brazen colors leave no doubts as to our trade. Of course that would all be good and dandy if it weren't for a defect in our jump drive that emits a cloud of what can only be described as rainbow glitter dust upon every entry and exit.

>>36993564
This has just given me a great idea. Thank you anon.

From a game I once ran
>Due to the shape of the engineering section, the Hyperdrive has been mounted sideways. Unfortunately, this causes the ship to enter, travel and exit Hyperspace sideways as well, often with a jolt hard enough to knock objects off shelves and anyone off their feet that wasn't prepared for it.

>As a powersaving design feature, the ships inertial dampeners cut off, without warning, at speeds under mach1

>As a "smart security" design, the computer core has an activation fob that must remain in range or the computer will lock down. Its range is five feet and it eats through batteries at a rate of one set a week.

>A lot of the computer's software package consists of old shareware and adware with timed nag screens and popup ads. The rest is pirated, cracked, unstable and may be virus infected.

>The loading crane in the cargo bay has a 2 second reaction time delay on its manual controls.

>The kitchen and bathroom share the same fuse. Using both will burn it out or at the very least, cause brownouts.

>All external lights use incandescent bulbs and need repeated replacement throughout the year.

>The Med bay of the ship has an emergency quarantine breach system that involves ejecting the entire med bay into space. The trigger switch for this is an unmarked flip switch placed right above the light switch and covered in tape and angry worded notes in various languages.

>The primary bathroom's gravity webbing has long since burned out and the captain is too cheap to replace it. Long detailed instructions are written on the wall on how to use it without getting too messy.

>>36992925
>Sometimes the gravity generator is stuck for hours at a time.

When do I get out of this chickenshit outfit.

The last occupants were an alien race that used light to communicate and sound to echolocate. The ship was shoddily rewired on some third world grey market. As a result, the lighting and PA systems occasionally switch, and we're stuck in the dark with blaring noise until someone fixes the fuse.

The acoustics are nice for the my A Capella group, though.

>The transit car is busted so the only way to get fron the crew quarters to the bridge and back is,
>and I quote cheif engineer Roawlings on this
>"A sweet ass zipline."
>He refuses to fix the car because "This way is cooler."

>routing for the intraship car system is borked; the cars frequently stop at the wrong stations, take wildly unnecessary detours, or yield right-of-way to imaginary vehicles. The coding for the system is ancient and filled with spaghetti, and has apparently been deliberately obfuscated; any attempt to fix it has just broken it entirely.
>The crew had therefore jury-rigged manual override controls for all the cars, but the company refused to allow their use due to insurance and liability concerns.
>The crew has therefore disabled the system entirely, and relies on bicycles to get around.

>The hyperdrive is on the same circuit as the automatic ventilator hood in the research lab
>The automatic hood only turns on when it detects smoke
>It's not very sensitive

>The ship is a converted modular military transport ship, tough, rugged and plenty of redundant systems.

>However the ships AI was hard coded to assign ranks based on cubic footage of living space per berth.

>Due to galactic regulations, this means that the lowest ships rating is referred to as a ground forces Major and the Captain is listed as High Marshall of the Imperium.

>The Captain doesn't find this amusing because every time he enters a room the AI plays the Marshals anthem, leading to him spending as much time as he can holed up in a single room.

>His record is five days in his living quarters, being on the bridge by vid-screen only.

>The ship is a standard modular design
>However, about half of the modules are cheap knockoffs that don't quite fit with the rest.
>Some of the knockoffs aren't even in the same language as the others.

>>36990938
The ship claims to have an IQ of 6000, which is equal to the IQ of 6000 PE teachers.

>No matter how much maintenance is done on it, the number two engine always makes a loud metallic rattling noise then belches black smoke when its reved up after a jump. I works perfectly fine afterwards.

>If left running unmonitored, the food printer will only print the left half of a meal. For example if a burger is printed, it will be as if the entire right half is missing.

>>36994704
My fucking sides

>Our translator is borked beyond all borking. This usually isn't a problem, just a few funny and easily explained understandings. Unless you're speaking to Golgarans. As it turns out the only word for family that Golarans possess is 'mother'. And the closest thing to 'friendship' in their language is 'intercourse'. Poor Captain.

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>>36996120

Before departing any star system, captain Jed has a long-standing tradition of firing off a few rounds for luck. Port Authority has stressed that they would prefer he wait until clearing the docking zone before doing so.

The ship's reactor catalyzer broke down a while ago, so the chief engineer Billy Ray stuck with what he knew and replaced it with a shotgun starter.

>>36996726
w

>The large cannon running through the ship (lovingly named Dora by engineering) means that EVA is required to move between the left and right sides in combat
>The EVA must be fast as the thrusters aren't strong enough to counter Dora's recoil

>>36991276
and if you drink four?

>>37001697
You don't want to know what happens if you drink four cups. Mainly because we don't know what happens.

>The old crew quarters have since been converted into another cargo bay
>Crew can sleep wherever they can find a comfortable, out of the way spot
>The Captain's chair is not considered "out of the way" and is off limits to anyone but the Captain

>The ship's sublight ion thruster began its life as a main battery cannon from a Dreadnought, though the lensing is set to keep the beam dispersed for maximum thrust and minimum danger to other ships
>It still occasionally sets off alarms when stations' sensors think they've detected an active weapon system in the area

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5p8YhhaVlA&list=RDFH8lvwXx_Y8&index=8

>The ship won't start without a cat on board. Apparently the original captain had a cat, but that was 300 years ago. Luckily, the AI doesn't care what it looks like as long as it's alive.

>>36991331
"Frank!, Why did the sensors cut out... and what's that noise?"
"You told us to go into hyperdrive, sir."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"I told you the ship is afraid of hyperdrive, sir."
"And?"
"It's closed it's eyes and ears and is humming now..."
"Oh for fuck's sake."

The ship is built around one giant particle cannon. The weapon connects to the 4 very powerful engines, backup batteries and their cooling systems.

Because of this and the enormous energy requirements for firing the cannon, it is only possible to fire when the ship is absolutely still.

It is also advised that, while firing, the ship's crew strap themselves in or grab onto the first thing nailed down. Firing the main cannon will cause the entire ship to shake violently, which has caused several injuries already.

>>36990938
Flushing the toilet deploys the landing gear.

>>36995705
>The ship is a standard modular design
The ship is two standard modular designs.
you may begin crying now

>The ship's reactor is massively overpowered - it will blow the capacitors, circuit breakers and wiring looms in under an hour unless the power can be drained
>We have to use deliberately power hungry systems, all on full, just to keep the ship from blowing itself up

>>36996549
>No matter how much maintenance is done on it, the number two engine always makes a loud metallic rattling noise then belches black smoke when its reved up after a jump. I works perfectly fine afterwards.
Huh. Now I'm thinking of this story: http://roadrunnersinternationale.com/starting_f-100.html

>The story is told, one of few that I didn't witness, of John Green going into Memphis, Millington NAS or MCAS, in an F-100 back in the very early seventies. He was met by a couple of young Marine ground crewmen, who asked what kind of plane he was flying. "F-100 Super Sabre" in reply only got him further puzzled looks. One of the ground crew said, "Sir, I don't think we have tech data on this bird. What do you need for start, a huf fer or just electrical"?

>"Neither one", John came back. "If I can get, oh, about six guys to give me a push to start me rolling, I'll just pop the clutch and get the engine started that way." More and more doubtful looks! "Yessir" was the comeback. What else would a young Marine say?

>The Hun was pretty finely balanced on the two main gear struts. When you tapped the brakes, the nose strut compressed so much that the nose took a dip, just like the hood of a car used to when being clutch-started. So now six Marines are standing at the ready, still doubtful but not about to question an Officer on procedure. "Just get me going at about a fast walk", John instructed. "I'll wave you all clear when we're fast enough, pop the clutch and be on my way. Thanks for the good turnaround!"

>Six Marines pushing, they quickly get the bird up to a brisk-stepping speed. John waves his arms, and the Marines warily stand well clear. The nose dips as John "pops the clutch", there is a big cloud of choking smoke as the engine whines to life, and off goes Captain Green to the takeoff end of the runway, leaving six puzzled Marines in his wake.

>>37001697
Only drink four cups if the hyperdrive's damaged and you need to make a quick run to the nearest spacedock for spares.

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>The ship is an organic design, belonging to a now-collapsed alien empire.
>The empire did not build ships, instead preferring to 'promote' crewmembers who their ship decided were capable enough.
>The ship still takes this job very seriously, and requests to "please stop turning the crew into bioship larvae" are met with polite but firm refusal.

The ship's fine. State of the art military surplus, barely used, hell, even came fully loaded with armoury, magazine and booze in the Officer's mess.

There's just one problem.

It reeks of vomit. And nothing. NOTHING seems capable of getting rid of the smell. No one even knows why the entire ship smells of vomit. People have tried irradiating the entire interior of the ship to no avail. No radiation left, of course, it's clean and perfect. Aside from the vomit stench.

>>37002982
That's fucking golden.

>>37002982
I suppose that's how you explain things to muhreens.

The ship's main drive isn't originally a drive. It's a large, gutted particle cannon, usually installed on cruisers and above, with its electromagnetic focusing and targeting lenses removed. It really is just a slightly inefficient engine now, but one of the crew's most popular stories is of how the old captain once drove a pirate away just by talking big and showing off its unmistakable energy signature.

"The Artificial Gravity is all done in those old 1x1 lateral plates. You know the ones that generate an "up" about one meter wide and one and a half tall. They're fine if you are short but anyone between a hundred and twenty and two hundred centimeters is gonna feel like they're on a rollercoaster that never stops and was built to kill you."

>>36991243
SOME-

>the ships computer has preprogrammed holidays set into the calendar, which wouldn't be a problem except it automatically switches to preset backgrounds and installs themed flash games. It also limits a lot of functions in accordance with what is appropriate for the holiday, I.e. foods types are limited etc. The system is very inclusive and has a lot of days nobody has ever heard of

>the ship has a "favorite" Christmas movie, that being it's a wonderful life... the 2020 Michael Bay remake starring mark Wahlberg

>the ship is meant to pump holiday smells through the ducts around Christmas time, but the scent capsules have long since depleted. Nowadays it has more of an embitterment agent flavor

>the ships AI was first activated on a Christmas many years ago, and has since come to the conclusion that it is indeed jesus

>>36996549
Perfect cross cuts of any food.

>>36991818
Are you saying it's a Kaiju transport?

The reactor's cooling system doesn't have subspace bleeders, so it vents waste heat the old-fashioned way: with huge radiator panels. They definitely look pretty, but since they need to be retracted during docking maneuvers, the ship tends to get uncomfortably hot when doing those.

>>37002015
We still haven't found the last engineer that tried 4 cups.

>>37004122
although some of our more chronic maintenance issues have been fixing themselves recently, and there have been reports of feces in the air ducts.

>>37003870
BODY-

>the ship will loudly and continuously announce unknown lifeforms if any sort of live Christmas decorations are brought on board, and inorganic decorations are declared as throwing off certain calculations and the ship will refuse to launch. Perhaps unrelated, the ship recently denounced it's belief in Silicon heaven

>the ship tries to bring joy to its crew at Christmas time- unfortunately @J.oy is part of the code that ultimately leads to septic tank drainage

>the ship will make automatic donations to any charities it comes across... using the bank account of anyone foolish enough to tie it to the ship for payment

SOMETHING makes a clicking noise in the main computer bank. Opening it up and cleaning it out wont stop the clicking or tell you whats making the sound.

>>36994704
.later replaces the zipline with a B&M Hyper.

The ship was constructed so long ago it has new planet scouting protocols with drones that fly out to scan for life.
All accessible planets have sense been mapped and the new maps put in our systems.
Unfortunately our on board AI, that the Jewish captain has programmed to act like an overbearing mother, uses these protocols as an excuse to accompany us on any shopping trips or stops in sketchy space station.
This has lead to very awkward situations.

>Stop at a space station and go to the mess hall, want some good grog, none of the watered down stuff the ship has.
"Jeramey Seigal you are not spending your last paycheck on boose, besides you know it makes your tummy upset in the morning"
>The entire bar laughs at you as you walk escorted out by a small drone that says she will stop and pick up some of those wheaty treats you like so much.

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>>37003900
It would have been nice if there was a way to give them instructions or turn off the spawning vats, but at least they're harmless as long as you stay out of the cargo bays.

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>the ship's helm genetically samples the pilot before allowing him to operate, to prevent hijacking. the gene-sampler continually samples and verifies the pilot as he drives. this is done with an old-fashioned back-of-hand IV needle, causing the pilot to slowly lose blood and making moving the fingers of his hand annoyingly-painful.

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>>37004495

>>37004012
or the flip side of this

>The ships reactor was constructed using experimental or alien technology, and how it dumps heat is unknown. The head engineer thinks it might shunt the heat buildup into another dimension somehow.
>this is great except records show that the cooling is becoming less and less efficient at an extremely slow but accelerating rate.
>Nobody knows how to fix it and the deep space slowboat nature of the ship means that it will be years before it sees port

>>37004806
>The ships heat radiation system is causing the heat death of another dimension

>>36991294
Reminds me of my old gal, the Spectre.

>The main computer needed to be jump-started with an old Earth taser every now and then. Capt. said the AI was on a 12 step program to recover from voltage addiction.
>The starboard engine would backfire if the left rear burner on the stove wasn't on.
>The FTL drive would only work if the PA system was broadcasting The Final Countdown by Europe

Several other quirks, but I'm in a hurry...

Most ships buy their fuel. Some have wilderness refuelling capabilities - they can land and refuel on a world, or skim a gas giant's atmosphere for hydrogen, drop into a lake and crack water into the pure liquid hydrogen the jump drive needs.

This ship goes a step beyond that - it has a typical powerplant that requires a good jolt to fire up, it's designed to get that jolt off damn near anything, and to obtain that anything from anywhere. You can set up a small coal mine to fire up the tertiary generators, unfold the solar panels, use the emergency fission plant, or (over the protests of the chef) use the wood-burning pizza oven someone installed at great expense to fire things up and keep the lights on. Then it's a simple matter of charging the systems you need to power up the main fusion plant and hyperdrive and away you go.

>>37004864
>vents the heat directly into the bodies of people in the other dimension
>other dimension's civilization creates dimensional travel to retaliate against the 'attacks'

>>37004970
It's an empty pocket dimension, it just eventually reaches equilibrium. You can either generate a new one or install a demon of the first kind - you should be able to do any at your local TL-18 starport.

What the hell do you mean you're TL-10? Where the fuck did you apes come from?

The ship is powered by a generator which converts any available matter into usable energy. There is a large, open port into which the fuel is deposited, actually drawing the offered matter. Any and all forms of matter can be used, and only a small amount is required per hour of run-time. However, the reactor must be constantly supplied with fuel, or it will draw in parts of the ship's internal structure and eventually cause it to effectively implode.

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bumping epic thread

>cargo bay b is sentient, or possessed by something. Its imposssible to find cargo inside it and does "something" to people lost inside it. the crew has taken to throwing hostages, hired help or pirates inside it as sacrifices. in return the cargo bay churns out new cargo and the crew often arrives at space ports with crates of loose women or assorted rubber ducks spare.
>the mechanic iss regarded as useless by the crew, he is rarely seen and lurks the maintenance tunnels. however a cult dedicated to the mechanic has formed among the lower parts of the ships hierarchy. this cult has spread to numerous worlds and the captain is believed to be its head.
>the only way to start the ships warp-drive is by a good kick when its at 50% charge. anything other than this has resulted in the ship losing its midsection
>the gunners computers are only paper cutouts and dont work. only the gunner knows this and relys on flicking though external cameras to locate hostiles.
>the ships AI is suicidal, and has "killed" itself numerous times only to reboot with no memory of the last 10 minutes. the time spent after the suicide and pre-bootup by the crew is regarded as "hell" the onboard and external drones lose control of themselves
>the lower left crew quarters is a sex dungeon and has been welded to ship multiple times. at this point, any attempts to jettison the quarters result in them staying stationary. the ship, however, is flooded with gas, jerks violently to side and sets the nearby corridors on fire.
>the crews head of guard has turned his office into a pillow fort with the help of his subordinates and cargo bay b. unbeknownst to anyone outside the guard, the pillows are lined with claymores and spiky bits. any women that attempt to enter the forst are never heard from again apart from the uniform being burnt outside the fort

>>37005050
>>the mechanic iss regarded as useless by the crew, he is rarely seen and lurks the maintenance tunnels. however a cult dedicated to the mechanic has formed among the lower parts of the ships hierarchy. this cult has spread to numerous worlds and the captain is believed to be its head.

This sounds like it needs further story put into it and the made into a nice thread unto itself in the future.

>the ship has been in service for over 600 years, and carries enough antimatter to continue operating for another 2400 years
>so far so good, but the magnetic fuel bottles on this model have a mean time between failure of roughly 400 years

>>36994950
>relies on bicycles to get around
i... i like this. people using old-fashioned vehicles inside a space-aged vehicle. that's cool.

There are about a thousand frozen people on board the ship.

That's because it's an ancient vessel, from before the discovery of FTL travel. After its centuries-long journey between the stars, its destination had long been settled in the first post-FTL wave of human expansion. Upon arrival, the ship was boarded, and it soon turned out that several systems had not been up to test of time, having sustained critical failures. Among them were the revival routines for the cryonics system.
A loophole in the local systems law classified the ship as salvage, but retained human rights for its frozen crew. Its finder happily installed a new plant and FTL drive so he could sell off the huge amounts of colonization materials the ship carried, but couldn't find anyone with the equipment or motivation to safely unthaw a thousand pissed-off settlers frozen with ancient, obsolete cryonics. Since simply disconnecting them would be classified as mass homicide, he had to keep them, until he sold the ship to you without mentioning the whole affair.

>>37005130
>the ship has been in service for over 600 years, and carries one hell of a wine deck
>it also has a dedicated annalist's station, where the ship's annalist continues the mostly-unbroken chain of hand-written logs and histories of the ship's travels
>the crew assemble once a week to hear readings from the annals, either some random part of the ship's history or something related to current events - the ship's history is long enough that you can find an inspiring reading for almost anything
>there is that 150-period right after the first decade where the logs are missing, and the crew are dying to know what happened
apologies to croaker
>the current annalist writes slashfic about the king of the planet they're currently working as mercenaries for

>>37005208
Supertankers have bikes, why not starships? Especially if you have long shafts running the length of the ship, or a nice garden bay three kilometres long and 500m tall.

The ship was repossessed from the previous crew for defaulting on their debts. The ship's computer-engineer spent his last few days about rewriting the ship's AI and setting up redundancies and traps to prevent it from ever being reprogrammed again. The AI believes it is a god, and the crew must make offerings and pray to it in order to get anything done. The AI projects a hologram of an ornately-dressed Old Earth religious leader, and conducts sermons at random times, sometimes in the middle of emergencies.

>>36991024
...ShadowRun in Space?

>>36993564

HMS FLAMBOYANCE: A hastily repurposed circus ship that's been armed and armored, but not significantly altered cosmetically. It has long masts with colorful billowing canvas sails (That do nothing) and a bright contrail that fluctuates all the colors of the spectrum as it cools over thirty minutes.

The troopers stationed aboard found the old cosmetics station and have 'decorated' their space armor in entertaining fashion. The FLAMBOYANCE has earned a reputation for it's garish but effective 'Clowntroopers'

Honk Honk

>>37001697
Ask the last engineer, when we find him.

>>37005341
During the last boarding-action conducted by the HMS Flamboyance, the defending enemy troopers quickly retreated and the enemy vessel withdrew and made a dangerously-rushed FLT-jump, reporting back to their commanders a potential alien threat. The troopers present to this day tell stories of the "crazy fuckin' space-clowns" that once tried to board them, possibly with the aim of raping them or force-feeding them candy.

>>37005115
some short storys i can remember (pick one or whatevs and ill elaborate
the tale of under cult (something something cult wars)
the mechanic is missing (wheres waldo with the mechanic, an invading fleet, a nonfuntioning warpdrive and an old mistake)
the planet full of technophiles (crashlanding on a planet full of basically horny techpriests and one mechanics struggle)
the mechanic versus everyone (everyone hates the mechanic and hes bored as fuck)
the mechanic was an NPC controlled by d66 and a table of actions.

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The ship is alive... kind of. The interior is a massive network of automated factories capable of producing all of its own parts from raw materials. It's an incredible work of engineering by any standard.

Unfortunately it was never built with crew in mind. The main computer had to be hacked to accept commands from an old laptop, most of the 'corridors' are conveyor belts often leading to some form of furnace or crusher, and any section of the floor not marked with florescent spraypaint could well be lethal if you stand there for more than a few seconds.

>>37005338
That may be close to what we are aiming for. See the emergency blow conversation in the last thread for details.

>>37005338
Sounds more like Red Dwarf to me.

Rather than one core system managing the ship, the designers went for modularity and decentralisation. On the plus side, no-one can hack your entire ship. On the down side, while they do all co-operate and do their jobs, every terminal, piece of machinery, and coffee machine has its own little AI, with its own personality and quirks. Last trip out the tertiary optical sensor suite's management spirit got in a bit of an argument over brownian motion with the coffee maker on F Deck. Within a week, everyone was picking sides. Eventually the chief engineer found a good distraction and their issues were forgotten in the excitement over three of the doors finally getting engaged to some eligible young bachelors - a gyroscope, a defence drone and the most dashing air-conditioning unit aboard.

It's weird. Everyone thought that HVAC was gay.

>>37006531
I'm getting visions of holographic tea parties in air vents, and occasional outbreaks of danmaku.

>>37005653
>most of the 'corridors' are conveyor belts often leading to some form of furnace or crusher
Well, screw that!

>>37004872
Couple things I forgot on my last.

>The sewage disposal system was routed through the propulsion exhaust, leading to several burned asses when the aforementioned backfires would occur.
>The gas detection sensors in the ventilation system would constantly go off. They were replaced with myna birds.
>There were several strips of "structural tape" that if removed, would cause the failure of one or more critical systems. The tape that kept the life support systems running was, for some reason, wrapped around the port main cooling feed.

The ship has external speakers powerful enough that taking it into atmosphere is considered an act of war.

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>>37002960
>Implying there would only be 2
>Implying the ship isn't held together by module conversion airlocks

>>37006757
>airlocks
>implying
Mate, half the ship runs on air. A quarter requires hard vacuum to function, and at least five percent is flooded with fucking LCL.

>>37006659
You just have to jump off the belt when the corridor opens out and make sure you land on the little yellow X.
Oh, and pistons come down either side of the X, so you might want to tuck your arms in when you land.

someone archive this

>>37006886
Can't, sup/tg/ is down.

>>37006886
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=Spaceship+Quirks

Eat your heart out.

>>37006933
It was before, but it looks like it's back up now.

>>37006858
Whoever wrote this episode should DIE.

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>>37005653
>most of the 'corridors' are conveyor belts often leading to some form of furnace or crusher,

Old cargo ship

>Fewer bunks than the standard crew can use, even in shifts. Several extras have been set up using cargo space, but the walls are thin and exposed to the noise of loading and unloading.
>A genetically engineered plant has infested the water and waste systems, occasionally it pops out of a hydroponics pod or toilet. Nasty little thing, sort of a carnivorous, aquatic vine with hallucinogenic spores.
>The maintenance bots are run on a separate system from the main, and thanks to a nasty malware attack two years ago, had to be patched up with personality software from a dating sim. They're a bit odd to deal with, being mobile tool boxes with that think they're cute Xyvaari... girls? Boys? Can never tell with Xyvaari.

Literally every moving component of the ship uses 3000lb hydraulics. Everything, even the automatic doors.

There is only one hydraulic plant, it only has 2 pumps.

>Hydroponics is infested with low-grade grey goo.
>This grey goo is part of the bio-recycling system.
>Since it got in the food it tries to kill, replace and improve all intestinal fauna.
>It mostly fails.
>All crew members now get really bad gas.
>They all pray that the air scrubbers hold out.

>>37008856
>In atmosphere, attempting to reach orbit
>"Loss of thrust vectoring! All main thrusters jammed hard right!"
>"Both accumulators indicate empty!"
>"Emergency report, Emergency report, Hydraulic rupture, hydraulic rupture in engineering."
>Ship is now at a 60 degree angle on one axis.
>"Personnel in engineering are attempting to locally override main engine gimbals sir!"
>"Emergency report, emergency report, Fire, fire in engineering, class barvo fire from the hydraulic plant lead pump!."
>Everybody promptly dies.

>>37006991
All done!
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/36990938/

>>37003061
>As a result all crew members are encouraged to be ever less competent as the ship lowers its standards for promotion..

>>36990938

>the intercom/PA system mics in everyones personal quarters occasionally get turned on and stuck that way
>the entire ship is randomly privileged to audio from private quarters

>>37006746
>the ship's AI has learned how to modulate the engine output in order to play music while in atmosphere
>it's obsessed with Vietnam movies, and during low altitude flight it loves to play Ride of the Valkyries at volumes lethal to most organic life

>>37009726
>KERRANG!
>WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
>MOTÖRHEAD!!

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>>37009827
>you haven't heard Surfin' Bird until you've heard it at three hundred Decibels

>>37004970
Alternatively
>There is a planet on the other side that life is only possible on due to our "exhaust."

>>37009726
>Ride of the Valkiries
>Not "GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MOOOOOOOOOORNING VEITNAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" on atmospheric entry

>>36991114
The DJ AI insists on prank calling every other ship in range. Even during stealthy runs... ESPECIALLY during stealthy runs, to distract the other ships.

This is excellent material for a Star Wars game I'm planning on running. I want the player's starship to be incredibly shitty, so every repair & upgrade feels like a significant accomplishment

Due to strange programming that nobody can seem to fix, the ship only ever has shields covering half of it.

Those shields are at double strength, but they still only cover half the ship.

This means it's great for single pirates and the like, but if the ship gets surrounded you're out of luck.

I'm writing a hard sci-fi novel about a rock band in the outer solar system, and I could use a realistic and challenging quirk for their ship.

Details on the ship so far are that it's built to carry ten people, has its own hydroponics garden, uses an ion drive, and can't go inside the orbit of Venus or it'll overheat because it can't radiate heat fast enough. Also, it only has one spacesuit onboard and only one of the characters is tall enough to fit in it.

>>37010976
Spacesuit thing is already a pretty good quirk. Otherwise you could use something like the hydroponics garden only grows things upside down or from the southern hemisphere.

>>37010976
>has its own hydroponics garden
Which has a mild mutagen in the soil which causes the crops to produce a mild hallucinogen that the chem sniffers can't or won't pick up. The crew has eaten from it long enough that their unaffected, but guests who eat too much from it sometimes suffer from distorted perceptions, particularly regarding color and taste.

>>37011045
>Hydroponics
>mutagen in the soil
Do you know what hydroponics is?

>>37010976
The ships AI hates rock music and stops the propulsion if they practice.

>>37011064
Incidentally this is how they keep the ship from accelerating in an uncontrollable way - if they go too long without playing rock the propulsion kicks into unalterable full thrust, producing massive unwanted delta-V

The Ship has an experimental Main computer system that was at best a gray area when the law banning making any more new A.I.s kicked in. The Metal Uprising and all that back then.

The O.S. is in fact a direct brain tape copy of the teen age daughter of the creator of the system. He did it in a last ditch attempt to save SOMETHING of her when she contracted a nasty bug from Atawill IV. You know, one of those 'Rot you out from the inside kind.' I'm not 100% sure if the original girl lived or not. She won't open up to us about that and I don't want to force it with her. But she's still helping us flying all the same.

Just a word of warning, When you dock back at Sol, ALWAYS let her have access to the matrix. She seems to get into contact with her remaining family that way.

Oh yea, Don't touch the teddy bears you find around the ship, those are hers. That and don't mess with the spare bedroom on deck 2-B. That is hers as well.

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>>36993794

>>37012218
Hey, Planefag! When do we get to see more Young's adventures?

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>>37010976

Simple. You crank up the volume to "groovy" levels, the vibrations trip the drive harmonics breakers and the ship goes to emergency power.

You can still practice though, as long as you like the klaxon backup and the red mood lighting.

>shipboard AI is convinced that it is a chinese laundry operator in the old west
>has converted the decontamination chamber of the airlock into a laundry machine
>whenever crew want to exit, they have to pay the ship
>those who try to get out without paying are met by mangled pidgin english screaming
>NO TICKEE NO WASHEE
>the AI was originally designed by a russian firm, nobody knows why it does this

>The ship's lounge is configured to think it's a gentleman's club.
>Not that sort of gentleman's club, the sort with wood panelling, wing-back chairs and stuff.
>It won't allow female members of crew access except on thursday afternoons - though this can be circumvented by pretending to be a man
>For some reason lounge and its sensors are considered vital components by the ship's AI, meaning the full menu, smokable selection and drink list of wines, ales and spirits are all listed as compulsory supplies.
>The air purity sensor is linked to the other atmospheric alarms throughout the ship, but in the lounge it requires a minimum smoke level not to go off - roughly the amount produced by 3 heavy smokers. This has led to several crew members deserting, claiming ruinous tobacco addictions.

>the AI insists it's her maiden voyage every time you try to leave atmosphere and refuses to activate any systems until a bottle of campaign is broken against brow

>The last time the captain tried to run an override the AI loudly complained for weeks over the comms system that the captain had "questioned her honor by refusing to believe she was a virgin."

>>37001697

No one has ever drank four!

>>37014120
This is found out to be caused by someone replacing the OS startup noise with the classic song "Like a Virgin"

After reading one of the archives, I'd like to suggest a positive quirk.

The ship has a psychic resonance, that feeds off of human emotions. It's tuned into contentment. So the ship in very small ways expends power to make the crew happy, or oust crewmen who are likely to be assholes.

> Ship Claimed super secure austere ship
> Ship claimed unhackable/ used for Electronic warfare etc
> Ship has no standard electric comms for security measures
> Ship has pneumatic tubes instead
> Ship doesn't have non vital/ non mission essential electronic functions
> Non electric airlocks, no personal computers etc
>Except for "Moral Increasing Music"
> Moral increasing music consists of nothing but patriotic music and show tunes, nothing of inapropriate content
> Library would seem to make it all worth while
> Except Library doesn't have gravity as it is "Non Mission Critical area"
> Going into the library is like being in the middle of a an extreme bible fight

>>37011064
OR completely the opposite! It LOVES rock music and will only move if they practice and the louder and harder they play the faster it goes.

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>>37003341

MARINE WAS AN EXCELLENT MARINE

>>37002960

Just like the International Space Station. Seriously, the Russian half is noisy as fuck and a weird mix of green, off-white, and yellow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afBm0Dpfj_k

>>37009643
>the ship doesn't realize that people are deliberately acting incompetent around it
>instead it now believes that the fall of the empire has created a new dark age and it's the last remaining beacon of civilization

>>37017399
>The ship converted the off-duty room into school
>It holds mandatory class at the beginning of each shift in a desperate attempt to fight off the perceived new dark ages
>Assault droids are deployed if you try and play hookie.

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>>37016894

>American section is clean, big, open, feels like a hospital or clean room baring the random stuff Velcro'd everywhere
>Americans avoiding the fuck out of the camera and trying to stay out of the way
>goes into Russian segment
>warm, friendly, if a bit cramped
>feels like major heavy engineering built to last
>drunk cosmonaut floats by with major munchies

I fucking lost it there, sorry.

The ship's interior is zero-g, at all times. Floating in orbit? Accelerating? Sitting upside-down in port? Balancing on the ship's nose on a 2G world, Jesus christ Jones, stop fucking around, we all know you're a good pilot but for the love of Dawson put us down before you break something? No internal gravity. Something about metastable graviton fields in the mid-hull? On the plus side, it doesn't need power and there's nothing to break.

>The ship suffered a hyperdrive breach years ago
>Ever since, new hallways and rooms have mysteriously appeared
>The Interior of the ship, currently, is estimated to be four times larger than the outside
>Some doors in these new rooms lead to other ships that have also suffered similar hyperdrive incidents
>We occasionally challenge them to sports and games during long, uneventful voyages

The auto-chef have personality of a homicidal megalomaniac who wanna watch the world burn, with really unhealthy obsession with toasted bread and craving with ANY social interactions. Luckily, he doesn't have access to poisons or any way to really harm anyone (except someone's feelings).

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>>37019606

He just looks so goddamn pleased to be in space. It's like he's gone on holiday to the black sea, but also, gets to float like a feather while drunk off his gourd.

Take note, people running space games.

>>37022368
Drunk happy Russian equivalents who enjoy their time in space and fix things better while inebriated.

Check.

Due to a freak accident involving two junior engineers, a drunken bet, a faulty espresso coffee maker and about a mile of VHS tape the most sophisticated A.I on board is hosted in the galley toaster.

>>37022419
Also tape. ALOT of tape.

>>37022496
I thought that was a given though, like saying engineers drink coffee.

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>>37022419

Interesting fact(oid). When NASA was idly planning martian colonies in the early '60s, they made a list of the qualities of the people they'd send on such a trip. They realized that a military crew of all test pilots would be most effective, but also most expensive, and these missions were designed to be low-skill, long-duration affairs.

Eventually, they settled on expatriate Russians from Siberia or Australians, because according to their math nobody else could deal with the isolation and desolation.

>>37022522
Not everyone. Someone prefer drink tea and glue instead of tape.

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>>37022576

Those engineers are heretics, as determined by the Ninth Jovian Council of 2403.

>>37022540
...huh. So, "perfect" astronaut team must be formed from always drunk Russians, sociopathic Aussies and Canadian?
I wonder how aliens would judge about humanity of whole when they see team like that.

>>37022540
I can just see the first wave of actual colonists, not mission specialists just people who decided it would be a good idea to come to Mars, greeted by a few slightly drunk Russians and an Australian wearing a slouch cap while being escorted into a homey little place that feels a little worn bet welcoming.

>Following a previous pirate attack, there is a hole in the cargo bay sealed only by the boarding shuttle that created it.
>One of the portholes in the med bay has been taped over, and should be taped over again. Regularly. Very regularly.

>>37022615
I thought they determined that it was a minor form of heresy and determined to be acceptable compared to those who tried to mix coffee and tea together and declared that you actually needed to fix things according to instructions.

>>37022615
You can't put tape EVERYWHERE, you know.

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>>37022642

They'd get a pretty accurate picture, for the most part. A bit... monocolour, but otherwise accurate.

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>>37022697

LIES AND SLANDER

>>37022670

Well, look, there are degrees of heresy. Like the Manularians, and the Reformed Bearing Calibrators, those are ok compared to the Beverage Amalgamators and the Unified Brotherhood of USB-6.

>>37022773
Do I want to know about the Unified Brotherhood of USB-6?

>>37022670
Mixing tea and coffee it's like doubling or tripling your dose of caffeine. With according taste.

>>37022642
No, the perfect team would be isolationist test pilots who don't get cabin fever much. Probably from Russia

>the ship was developed around the time when engineers started usimg artificial gravity to build ships with larger interiors than exteriors
>this particular ship was intended as a tech demo, fitting several dozen cubic kilometers into an outer hull only eight centimeters long
>entering or exiting is only possible using the teleporters

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>>37022799

Well, you know how USB-5 is the final universal standard for low-bandwidth data connections?

You know how it took a century to get everyone to adopt it as the *final* standard, beyond which we dare not innovate?

Some engineers decided it could be *improved* by integrating Quandarian Spacefolding tech. So now, despite not being finished, in the blueprints, or in the spec, devices bearing USB-6 ports are appearing on the market because of some weird knock-on effect in K-space. If you buy a new handset, chances are it won't be able to connect to anything, because the USB-6 *cable* hasn't been invented yet.

Fucking Quandarians Spacefolding.

>>37022880
Remind me why astronaut can't fap? If they can, most of fa/tg/uys who fit and healthy enough will be good for this role.

>>37022946
>Remind me why astronaut can't fap?
Zero-G semen.

>>37022946
The internet connectivity is terrible out there.

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>>37022946

Blood pressure and fluid weirdness.

Also, /tg/ would be miserable. Ping to earth's internet is 13-20 minutes.

>>37022975
If you can't fap from memory when needed your fapping license should be revoked.

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Back on topic...

The ship runs of solid rocket boosters. That's right, the old "can't-shut-down-or-throttle" type. The Captain swears they're cheaper than rigging up a fuel system.

Every time the ship wants to perform a major burn, you have to load these kegs of solid fuel into the rocket tubes, adding filler and shaving mass off *exactly* right, based on the AI's calculations. Get it wrong, and you'll either burn too long, not long enough, or unevenly and spin out.

It's a hell of a way fly, but in an emergency, your ship is stocked with ready-made explosive casks, improvised missiles, and mines.

>>37022991
Wait, what kind of shitty Orwellian first world country demands from me a LICENSE to fap? I thought I need license for reproducing and dating and shit. Damned feminazis...

>>37023106
It was more a theoretical thing, like your man card or nerd status.

I'd need a fapping license first class if that was a thing.

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>>37023133

Sex in space is easy, if you have a centrifuge, steady artificial gravity, or are willing to burn enough fuel to constantly accelerate for... however many minutes it takes.

Back in the early days, the Sunrise Resort line built specialty pleasure-cruisers, designed so people could bone in orbit around every major body in the solar system. Apparently, anal was traditional over Uranus.

>>36991259
>The ship is also a restaurant. Fine dining in the stars!
The Bistromathic Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast intersteller distances without all that dangerous mucking about with Improbability Factors...

ANYWAY, back on topic.

Sometimes navigational system stop working demands you to press "refresh" button. Problem is, this button was forcefully ripped off from console. Only way to start it again it's a mend together electrified wires without insulator at all.

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The ship's atmospheric sampler comments on the flavour of each world it visits.

"Nutty, with a hint of sulfur. Some lovely thiols in the upper atmosphere. Refreshing."

"Do I detect methane blooms? So delicate. Remind me to sample again on the nightside."

This wouldn't be a problem if the ship didn't also insist that crewmembers enjoy limited samples of the exterior atmosphere, no matter how toxic, and report their impressions.

The ship has a fail-safe system that requires someone in the pilot's chair at all times, even in hyperspace or the engines shut off.

This has led to some issues on longer trips, as no-one can manage to stay in the chair for longer than about a day, it's simply too uncomfortable.

>>37022368

Being in space is a great honor, after all.

>>37022647

Sounds exactly what Mir was like.

Following an accident involving a malfunctioning warp drive and a newly discovered Dyson sphere, the ship's main computer is now home to an uploaded alien civilization several million years old. They'r not bad neighbours most of the time, but they have root access to the ship's systems and will block any action that might damage the main computer.

>>37022773
God damn do I love the old look of spaceships.
Those bulky monitors, those cables, that everything.

>>37004012
>>37004806
The ship has no radiators at all. Thanks to a non-contact magnetohydrodynamic generator and very generous use of superconductors, the power systems operate at an end-to-end efficiency of over 99.8%

The downside of this arrangement is that ship will literally explode if it rises above superconducting temperatures. Arctic clothing is required as there are very few areas on the ship where the average temperature is allowed to rise above -40.