WOOOO! Part 2 here we go!!

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>>39185203

We are currently on part 2 of the All Guardsman Party and the Xenotech Heresy

>Previous thread: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/39165875
>HTML link (is updated): https://googledrive.com/host/0B3Z9sXPTD9rpN2owNGdVWmdFWXM/agp.html

And the usual reminders:
>I is slow and bad at finding spelling errors
>This is not a movie theater, talk to your heart's content
>I promise I will finish tonight, for realzies, and I'm sorry I forgot what time zone I'm in again...

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>>39185203
oh boy

>>39185203
>you can't shoot me I'm a h-
human in disguise!

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>>39185203

There are times when an Inquisitorial agent, military commander, or Imperial diplomat will negotiate with one of the hated xenos and discover that they really aren't all that bad. Then they wind up working together to fight some common foe, and a sort of polite, but distant, working-relationship based on mutual respect is formed. This was not one of those times.

It took the Warlock about five tries to finish saying "hologram", Twitch kept shooting him every time he started talking. When the demolitions trooper finally ran out of ammo the incredibly frustrated Eldar exploded into a lecture on how holograms work and why it was pointless to shoot them. He was interrupted halfway through as Nubby shot him, turned towards Sarge, and reported that "The Xenos 'pears ta be some sort of 'ologram, I don fink we can shoot 'im". The Eldar swore in its fancy language and asked Sarge to control his "ape creature," whereupon Twitch finished reloading and shot him again while Nubby loudly told Sarge that the xenos was getting pissy. Things only went downhill from there.

The warlock was an arrogant bastard. He tried to order us around, but none of us had even the slightest intention of "returning to our wretched vessel" or "leaving matters beyond our comprehension to our betters." The diplomatic breakdown was total: on our side of the table Aimy had a serious axe to grind, Nubby was just Nubby, Sarge's shoulders hurt like a bitch, and everyone else just didn't give a shit. As for the Warlock, he loudly declared us to be idiot children playing with deadly weapons, both personally and as a race.

>>39185287
I thought consensus on the last thread was "hologram"

I wish I knew how to follow threads on my phone.

So glad to be catching another one live.

Bets on how badly trying to work with the eldar goes?

The God Emperor will know your name Shoggy.

>>39185345
Implying he doesn't know all our names... HERESY!

But Shoggy will be exalted.

>>39185303
Is doc's player playing Aimy?

Yeeees, IT RETURNS! Shine on you crazy diamond.

>>39185203
WOOOOOOOO story time!!! now I have a good read while eating.

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>>39185303

The Eldar had probably intended to either use his moral superiority to get us to leave his ship, or cut some sort of deal with us. The problem was that he kept getting bogged down in pointless arguments, petty insults, and fits of frustrated anger. Everyone, even Fumbles, was doing something that might as well have been scientifically designed to outrage the prissy xenos.

To start with, Tink didn't even try to hide the fact that he was stealing the Eldar's shuttle, and occasionally asked him what a specific button did. Aimy only spoke when she'd thought of something particularly scathing to say and while Twitch eventually stopped shooting the hologram, he'd occasionally interrupt the Warlock to insert his own rather unique theories into the conversation. Fumbles, who was admittedly acting on Nubby's orders, doodled on the captive fish-headed xenos. This caused a surprising amount of anger in the Warlock, despite how good the mustache and monocle he drew looked. All that was relatively minor compared to Nubby and Sarge though.

Nubby, for reasons beyond all logic, had appointed himself as the Warlock's translator. He shouted down or shot the holographic xenos at the end of almost every sentence, then relayed his personal interpretation to Sarge. Our fearless leader took an evil delight in how much this annoyed the Eldar, and started only responding to Nubby's translations. It was childish, antagonistic, incredibly unprofessional, and all according to a plan so devious that none of us even realized we were part of it. Well, at least Sarge claimed it was his plan afterwards, and no one was in any position to argue with the results.

I'm currently in a meeting, ignoring my team mates for this shit. Totally worth it

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>>39185416
Yes.

>>39185203
>My body is ready for this

>>39185416
I feel they went a little too basic with her name there. I mean, could have at least just spelled it Amy.

>>39185474
Sarge is a tactical troll

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>>39185474

In his most cunning of minds, Sarge figured that the Warlock had us incredibly outclassed when it came to diplomacy. The only person on our team that stood even a chance a of holding their own was the old diplomat adept back on the ship, but with the cogboys monitoring the comms, bringing him in was out of the question. Therefore, the only way we could possibly come out ahead in a negotiation with an Eldar, who probably had hundreds of years of experience talking circles around Inquisitors and the like, was to drag him down to our level.

Now, the brilliance of Sarge's plan didn't end there. In addition to keeping the Eldar off balance, the behavior of the more… eccentric members of our squad acted as a time-buying distraction for both Tink and the other teams. Every second the Warlock spent screaming at us in incoherent rage, was a second where he wasn't leading an attack on our shuttle or sniping anyone in the station. Admittedly, neither group was actually accomplishing anything useful with that time, Tink had found thirteen different controls for the shuttle's lights and last we'd heard the other teams they were still killing endless waves of servitors, but they did have it.

The incredibly uncivil discussion eventually rolled around to how stupid humanity's fascination with archeotech was. Our race's suicidal persistence in trying to keep the current piece from its owners was going to wind up gutting the entire sector's ability to fight off the next wave of tyranids. On top of that, if we somehow managed to keep it we'd inevitably wind up destroying ourselves with it. Any sane race would've let the Necrons have it, or at least dropped it on some Ork or Tyranid world that no one would miss.

Sarge perked up at this piece of actual useful information. Then, when Nubby suggested his cunning new idea to drop the archeotech on some Ork or Tyranid world that no one would miss, Sarge agreed that it was a good one. The Eldar paused mid-rant to boggle.

>>39185306
yeah that would be the obvious answer wouldn't it.

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>>39185561

The incredulous Warlock asked if we were serious. Sensing that the time was right, Sarge told Nubby to shut up, and promised that he was super serious. We didn't want to use the archeotech, we didn't want to study the archeotech, and we certainly didn't want to fight Necrons, Emperor help us, for the archeotech. As far as any of us were concerned, the metal bastards could have the thing.

The Eldar sputtered, then asked about fifteen different questions, most of which he answered himself. We were obviously too stupid to lie and we must have already known what the archeotech was, otherwise how'd we know to come to this system? Furthermore, despite our appearance and behavior, we were obviously the ones in charge of the mission. After all, our team was the one in his shuttle as opposed to fighting servitors on the station. No one correct these assumptions.

The only real question the Eldar had for us was why we wanted the archeotech destroyed. According to him, the five other Inquisitors and Magi he'd encountered, then killed, had all lusted after the device like it was mankind's salvation. Sarge nonchalantly suggested that we were just smarter than them. The Warlock shot a pointed look at Nubby, who had a finger jammed up to the second joint in one of his nostrils, then back to Sarge. Our fearless leader shrugged and adjusted that to "less ambitious than them."

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>>39185561
Damn it Shoggy, I have a job interview in the morning. I can't be staying up to read your story.

Keep going.

Here we go!!!

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Catching a shoggy thread live....

IT CONTINUES! Bwah-hahahahahahaaah!

I love the idea of Nubby able to reduce a hypercompetent ancient Eldar to sputtering fits of angrish and incomprehensible rage. Rage sufficient that even a Space Marine cannot help but admire the fury.

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>>39185621

Before anyone else could say anything to push the Warlock back from confused to furious, Sarge made his move. He pointed out how we only wanted to prevent any more planets being wiped out. We agreed with the Eldar, the archeotech either needed to be destroyed, turned over to the Necrons, or sent out of Imperial space. So he should just tell us where it was going next and we'd handle the rest. There'd be no working together bullshit: we'd leave as soon as we had our directions, and he'd never have to talk to us again.

The Warlock started to say something, then stopped, then started again, then stopped again. Finally he let out very frustrated sigh and gave us directions to an Imperial world whose Governor had just purchased the archeotech. The Eldar then told us to get off his shuttle before he ordered his ship to disengage and let the hereteks have the system, data records and all. Sarge took a second to ponder this last part of the deal, and asked Tink how things were going.

From up in the cockpit Tink announced, for the twentieth time, that he'd figured out the controls and would be able to fly us away before anyone could stop us. He triumphantly pressed a few buttons, flipped a switch, and manually connected two wires. Once again, the shuttle completely failed to move and the lights flicked off then back on. Sarge told the Warlock he could have his shuttle back.

>>39185621
"I mean what is it, some kind of STC?"

>>39185515
Think about it. She typically uses long rifles, and her name is AIM-y

Woohoo first live thread!

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>>39185740

Twitch packed up his toys, Fumbles was given a less dangerous pack to use as a helmet, Tink was forcefully pulled out of the cockpit, and Nubby was told to empty his pockets. While everyone else packed up Sarge and Aimy debated the whole tech-priest problem, it was eventually decided that there was no way to really hide the archeotech's location from them. Luckily, Aimy was able to suggest a way to keep the cogboys on our side for the time being.

Jim was called to pick us up, and over the monitored channel Sarge reported the location of the archeotech. He also warned everyone that a sizable Heretek fleet was being gathered to seize it before the mechanicus could confiscate it, so maybe we should try to get there and secure it first. It wasn't very subtle, but hey, neither were we, and the cogboys must've bought it, because everyone's shuttles picked them up without any arguing or ultimatums. Everyone was feeling pretty happy about how the mission had went as we left the Eldar shuttle. In a fit of goodwill Tink even pushed the fish-head's limbs into a neat pile and left a note saying which way second one had been drifting when we'd last seen it.

As Jim and Hannah flew us back to the Occurrence Border, we looked back at the station we'd never gotten around to boarding. It was looking rather ragged, its interior probably hadn't been designed to survive pitched fights involving anti-armor energy weaponry, and the star behind it had gotten noticeably larger. We congratulated ourselves on not being stupid enough to board that deathtrap, and watched the station shrink behind us. Right as it was getting too small to see anymore, there was a neat little firework display. We couldn't be sure, but the explosions seemed to match the locations of all the heretek shuttles. That probably explained what the Eldar had been up to.

>>39185813
That's what I meant. The pun, it's painful.

>>39185813
Please stop breathing

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>>39185897

Our good moods lasted until Jim landed us in the Occurrence Border's main shuttlebay. We were the last team back and the bay was a madhouse full of rushing people and horrible screams. Doc and his girlfriend were running around with their medical team, from the look of it they had quite a few customers and Sarge detailed a few of us to lend a hand. Surprisingly, most of the screams weren't coming from Doc's patients. What had at first looked, and sounded, like a field surgery station turned out to be something weirder.

Half a dozen of the senior cogboys were clustered together in a far corner of the bay. As we watched a captive heretek was brought off of a shuttle by some servitors and dragged into the group of tech-priests. There were some very unsettling power-tool noises and a lot more screams, and Sarge asked Jim and Hannah what was going on. The two Enginseers whispered to each other for a while then said the tech-priests were checking the captives for… serial numbers. Apparently they could be used to determine which Cabal the hereteks had come from. From there the tech-priests would research past records of the sort of technology the hereteks had access to, giving us a major advantage when it came time to fight their fleet.

Sarge pondered the fact that there wasn't actually any heretek fleet. He then weighed that against how the screams seemed to indicate that the cogboys didn't believe in little things like sedation, or killing people before dissecting them. In the end he decided that this was not his problem and he really needed a drink, or at least some painkillers for his shoulders. Better yet a drink and some painkillers and someone to take his void-suit off without him having to move his arms. In the end he had to settle for just the painkillers, everything else had to wait until after he'd talked with the Captain, adepts, other Interrogators, and whoever the tech-priests sent to vaguely threaten everyone.

>>39185915
As painful as a longlas shot to the head?
>>39186045
Jokes on you, I haven't been breathing since a longlas shot severed my trachea
Buh-duh-buh-buh-duh-bye!

First time ever catching one of these live, and I can't be happier.

I'm just picturing the wraith lord floating around in the void commenting on the spaciness of space.

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>>39186080

Sarge returned to our quarters hours later, looking like shit and still wearing his void-suit. Our first few tries to remove his suit resulted in a lot of yelling and Nubby getting punted across the room. In the end Tink wound up just cutting him out while Aimy held a bottle of liquor with a straw in it for him.

The gist of the situation was that the Eldar ship had disengaged and vanished after the heretek shuttles had been destroyed. The heretek ship hadn't tried to chase us or catch up with the falling station, instead it had warped out shortly after the fight ended. The Captain couldn't be sure, but it didn't look like it was heading the same direction as us, and the scanners had been clear since we entered the warp ourselves.

We were headed towards the coordinates the Eldar had given us, which had turned out to be the planet with the shifty governor Sword-guy had wanted us to go to. Sarge said the other Interrogator had been rather bitter over the whole thing, mostly on account of how he'd been shot in the gut twice during the station fight. Battleaxe wasn't in great shape either, they'd shed a lot of blood fighting off the servitors and capturing two hereteks for interrogation. Tensions were rather high due to the way the tech-priests had seized those hard-won prisoners and vivisected them. The cogboys were not very apologetic for this, but at least they'd shared their info on this particular group hereteks with the rest of us. The adepts were chewing through it and would be putting together some combat plans and stuff like that during the trip.

The other info Sarge had relayed from the Warlock hadn't gone over well. To start with, everyone but the tech-priests had given Sarge grief for not getting the actual details of the archeotech from the Eldar. He'd very politely told them where they could shove their complaints, then moved on to the matter of who was probably purging planets.

>>39186173
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tkfjrp0PNYw

This promises to be good...

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>>39186174

The revelation that it was Necrons chasing the archeotech, or at least that the Eldar said it was the Necrons, had quieted everyone down. While it had been the smart bet in the pool ever since we'd learned this was all about a piece of archeotech, having it confirmed was fairly unpleasant. None of the other teams had fought them before, but between their training and the stories everyone had heard, they didn't need us to tell them that the Necrons were bad news.

The Captain had reiterated his suggestion that we go somewhere safe and request an entire fleet's worth of backup. Most of us thought that sounded like a great idea, unfortunately Sarge and the other Interrogators thought otherwise. They believed that if we got there fast enough we could do something to prevent Necrons from wiping out the planet and keep the heretek fleet, which Sarge now regretted making up, from getting the archeotech.

Of course the exact details of what we'd do were still a bit fuzzy. The Interrogators' only good ideas were to either destroy the archeotech, or put it somewhere where the Necrons could take it without killing everyone. The tech-priests had informed everyone that both those options would result in their grisly deaths. The most they'd allow would be for us to set up a perimeter around the archeotech and plant a bomb which the ship's head tech-priest would build and hold the only detonator for. All the Interrogators, even Sarge, had wound up agreeing to this. The Captain had called them idiots and, since Sarge wasn't in any condition to hit us at the moment, we all agreed.

The one saving grace of the Interrogators' plan was that, being on the border and all, the planet we were heading towards had a fair sized PDF and SDF. Between that and the detailed intel we could provide, there was a slim chance we could hold off the Necrons until reinforcements arrived or the tech-priests stopping being assholes. Emphasis on slim.

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>>39186367

Once again we were stuck travelling through the warp and hoping like hell we'd arrive before everything went ploin shaped. At least this time we had a better idea of what was currently happening at our destination: the planet had a branch of the Telepathica and our astropath was able to keep tabs on their situation. The adepts and other teams spent a lot of time sending messages back and forth, looking for clues about where the archeotech was and all that. We didn't trouble ourselves with any of that, someone would tell if they found something important, for the time being we had other stuff to do.

Aside from the usual planning bullshit that Sarge had to put up with, we were able to dedicate our full efforts to some very important projects. Okay, well one important project, a less-important minor one, and a bit of "entrapaneering". The less-important one was replacing Sarge's lasgun. When the xenos, which the adepts had told us was called a Wraithguard not a fish-head, had disarmed him it'd bent his lasgun like a banana. Since fruit-shaped weapons tend not to work well and Aimy's pulse-rifle had performed so awesomely, Tink put all his effort into converting a Tau carbine for Sarge's use. Everyone else was moderately jealous.

The other side project was, of course, Nubby's continual quest not to lose quite a lot of money in the betting pool. Fumbles revealed to the rest of us that during our last bit of travel time they'd tracked down the only three people who'd bet on the Necrons, then… persuaded them to retract those bets. All that was left to do was convince the ship's quartermaster, who was the one actually holding the money and tracking the bets, to allow the withdrawal. Once that was done there'd be no winning bets, and the money would surely default back to everyone. We left Nubby to his little plot, which seemed to revolve around getting some incriminating pictures of the quartermaster. We'd be getting our money back too after all.

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>>39186494

So, aside from that little stuff, all of our effort was put into the big important project: Operation Screw Everyone Else Over Before They Screw Us. Now, this may sound like the default state we operated in, but this was a much more concerted effort than our usual paranoia and misanthropy. Our focus was almost entirely on two parties: the tech-priests and the Warlock. Now, it's obvious why we felt the need to plot against the cogboys with them acting nuttier than squirrel shit and all, but that Eldar part might need some explanation.

See, it is in the very nature of Eldar to dick honest, hard-working guardsmen over. They probably tell each other stories of great Eldar heroes who use their magical xenos powers for absolutely nothing but being a colossal dick. Based on this single concrete fact about his basic nature, we knew that the Warlock would A: Show up at the planet, B: Try and to use us to destroy the archeotech, C: Proceed to dick us over as hard as he possibly could the second we were no longer useful. The may be a lot to infer from a single piece of racism, but it was backed up by our personal experience with the Warlock. When we'd been talking with him over the holo-whatsit, we'd gotten the distinct impression that he didn't like us for some reason; that was a sure sign of a dickish personality.

Anyway, the project was mostly prep-work and the first step was securing allies. Jim and Hannah had been decent to us, but that whole thing about possibly following orders to leave us to die was bad and needed fixing. To that end, both Jim and Hannah were invited down to our quarters, then locked in and treated to a class on Ethics by our resident expert: Nubby.

>>39186494
>Once that was done there'd be no winning bets, and the money would surely default back to everyone. We left Nubby to his little plot, which seemed to revolve around getting some incriminating pictures of the quartermaster. We'd be getting our money back too after all.

Inb4:
Nubby can't get blackmail material, all the money defaults to the house.
-or-
The Eldar lied, it's not 'Crons, someone else wins big.

>>39186544
Nubby. Ethics expert. Nubby. Ethics.

Ethics. Nubby.

WHUT?

>>39186544
>then locked in and treated to a class on Ethics by our resident expert: Nubby.
The guy who got a heretic of slaanesh to beg for death is going to be a teacher now, Emperor have mercy on there souls.

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>>39185740

Or I shall taunt you a second time!

>>39186494
Come on laddie, speed up.

>>39186544
>To that end, both Jim and Hannah were invited down to our quarters, then locked in and treated to a class on Ethics by our resident expert: Nubby.

Guardsman Ethics 101:
If someone is your friend (defined as "you work with them, you like them, they have saved your lives, they have your back and vice versa," then you don't betray them for anything short of heresy against the God-Emperor of Mankind.

Note that for the purposes of this discussion, no matter what any sects or knowledge obscura held by the Mechanicus may hold to be true, the God-Emperor of Mankind is not the same entity as the Omnissiah.

>>39186632
>Nubby. Ethics expert. Nubby. Ethics.
>Ethics. Nubby.
>WHUT?

Nubby understands Guardsman Ethics.
If they're part of your unit, you watch their backs, and don't stick knives in them.
If they're your friends, you don't betray them.
Etc.

>>39186544
> a class on Ethics by our resident expert: Nubby.
Now I am imagining Nubby in a tweed jacket and classes teaching his definitely grounded and brilliant lessons.

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>>39186544

Don't laugh, this wasn't a class on any of those sissy "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Ethics. This was a class on Guardsmen Ethics, which tend to only go as far as "Do unto others," and Nubby knew those by heart. He and Doc, as what you might call the friendliest and most persuasive members of our little group, were assisted by the ever-loyal Fumbles in teaching Camaraderie 101 to Jim and Hannah.

The two junior tech-priests were educated in:
>Why it is Important to Stick With Your Mates
>When and When Not to Follow the Rules and Regs
>Why You Should Never Trust Anyone Over the Rank of Sergeant
They also got a special bonus course on:
>Why Killing Your Close Personal Friends Because a Crazy Priest Told You to is a Very Bad Thing

By the end both enginseers were thinking like proper Guardsmen and gave us all the vital information we needed for the rest of our project. Specifically, how the tech-priests would probably monitor us, what sort of bomb they'd be giving us to plant, and where it and its detonator were being built. From there it was Twitch and Tink's show.

Twitch was far, far too excited about his part of the plan. Not because he got to blow up people who annoyed him, Sarge had vetoed mining the priests' quarters on account of how we wanted to still have a ship after the mission, but because he got to play with the biggest bomb he'd ever seen. Now, when I say biggest I don't mean it's size, I mean its yield. The first time Twitch made his way through the vents to where the priests were putting the bomb together, he'd wound up needing a new pair of pants. They were giving us a backpack nuke.

>>39186677
Drawfriend needs to make this happen, anon. Your idea is awesome. Bonus points if Tink's drone is hovering in the foreground, projecting a markerlight as a laser pointer onto the blackboard.

>>39186696
>By the end both enginseers were thinking like proper Guardsmen

So, when does Sarge start up Inquisition Mudfeet Basic Training and put the poor cogbros through it?

>>39186696
Jesus. Fuck the Mechanicus all day, every day/

>>39186677
>Now I am imagining Nubby in a tweed jacket and classes teaching his definitely grounded and brilliant lessons.

Think of Nubby dressing up as Mr. Rodgers, teaching Guardsman Ethics.

>>39186778
Hey, Jim and Hannah are Mechanicus, and they're pretty cool.

It's just like everybody else in Imperial society: There are good people, there are shitty people, there are good people who have to do shitty things because if they don't even shittier things will happen, there shitty people who do good things so they can keep doing shitty things, and then there are people who don't give a shit and are just trying to survive.

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>>39186696

It's been said, mostly by guardsmen, that the final step of becoming a full tech-priest involves having the common sense part of your brain pulled out and replaced with a little box of screws. In our opinion, the fact that they were giving us a nuclear weapon pretty much proved that.

Of course they thought that they'd be the ones controlling it. They probably snickered to each other about how frustrated and scared we'd be, not being able to set off the bomb after planting it and not knowing if they'd remotely detonate it while we were in the blast radius. Still though it was a titanically bad idea, I mean even ignoring how much trouble we were able to cause with conventional explosives, we had a demolitions expert and what could loosely be called a technical expert on our squad. The second we were out of their line of sight we were going to crack that puppy open and rewire the detonator.

So Tink and Twitch spent their time spying on the bomb's construction and planning how they'd rewire it and jam the cogboys' bugs. Meanwhile, the job of putting together a plan to screw over the Eldar fell to Aimy and Doc, largely because they were willing to do what the rest of us were not: sit through tedious lectures on xeno-psychology from the adepts.

Unfortunately, we didn't know exactly what the Warlock had was going to do, only that dickishness would inevitably be involved. This meant that Doc and Aimy could only come up with sort of general plans, but they still did a very good job of it. A bunch of contingencies were prepared for, a few simple strategies were mapped out and practiced by our entire team, and Aimy came up with a rather nasty idea for forcing to Warlock to behave if we ever saw him in person. Doc quietly told the rest of us that he was glad not to be evil master-mind this time around, and recommended we never antagonize the markswoman.

Man, fuck going home. I'm not gonna miss posts driving when I can kick back & grab the awesome through Wi-Fi on my phone.
Shoggy, your whole group are magnificent bastards and I thank you for sharing these stories.

>>39186814
This would be his perfect happy retirement. Or very much not.

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>>39186825

When we finally came out of warp at the border world we felt ready for anything. Unfortunately it turned out that the other teams and adepts weren't nearly as awesome as us. Not only had they failed to pin down the location of the archeotech for us, they'd also been unable to confirm that it was even in the system. Sure, a quarter of them had died fighting on the station, and half the survivors were still being tended to by Doc and his girl, AND they'd only been able to do their research via discrete astropathic questioning and a few out of date field reports. Still though, we'd expected better of them. I mean a little professionalism and work ethic isn't much to ask is it? It was going to be so damned embarrassing if turned out that the Eldar had been lying to us.

We sat on the ship for a few days, twiddling our thumbs and getting more and more worried while the other teams went down and made some discreet inquiries. Sarge and the adepts helped them out, but the rest of us pretty much stayed in orbit and waited for the word go. Luckily, from our perspective, they met with enough resistance from the local government and ad-mech priesthood to practically prove the archeotech was there somewhere.

Probably the only reason that no one tried to kill our investigators was the constant stream of ships pouring into the system at our request for reinforcements. Most of them were little navigator-less armed merchantmen, but there were a few escort-class vessels, and the Captain said our odds in a naval battle were definitely looking up. Still though, from what we overheard, the locals were some seriously uncooperative people. No one would admit to anything, even when the Interrogators started flashing their junior-rosettes around. That changed abruptly when every astropath and navigator in the system reported a fleet approaching through the warp.

I'm going to need a drawing of that Fio'La girl fiddling around with tech while Tink looks on in amazement and a stupid look in his face

>>39186824
Nah. I mean most of the Mechanicus are douches, because they're so distanced from the "fleshies" and shit. They're cogwankers.

>>39186928
>GTAVHeistCrew.jpg

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>>39186928

While the incoming fleet was great for our investigation, it was also rather confusing. The only thing anyone knew for certain about how Necrons got their ships around was that they didn't use the warp. Of course everyone else said it was the Heretek fleet, but we knew better and spent a lot of time pondering what was actually coming.

Honestly it got very annoying telling everyone it wouldn't be a Heretek fleet then not being able to say why. Sarge finally snapped during the final big meeting, and just told everyone he'd made the fleet up to keep the tech-priests in line. There was a lot of arguing and shouting after that, but luckily no mass servitor uprisings.

Of course about five minutes after he said that, a large group of what were unmistakably Heretek vessels came out of the warp and demanded the surrender of all technology within the system. Everyone was too busy for much recrimination, but the Captain did spare a few seconds to congratulate Sarge on being psychic.

With the arrival of the Heretek fleet everything started happening at once. Sword-guy, who was still too injured to help much in combat, transferred over to the largest friendly ship in system and started organizing the took overall command of fleet we'd been cobbling together. Armed with the intel provided by our ship's priests about the Hereteks' probable armament and strategy, he was confident that he could keep the hostile fleet away from the planet for at least a day or two. Down on the planet Battleaxe, who'd been leading the investigation, was approached by several local nobles who'd had a change of heart.

I MADE IT

Reporting in from the leddit AGP threads, Shoggy!

>>39187021
>Okay, guys, we lied, it isn't hereteks
>suddenly Hereteks
Is anyone surprised? Anyone?

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>>39187021

The planet's nobles sold out their governor and put their forces at Battleaxe's command. The basic story they gave us was that the Planetary Governor had purchased the piece of archeotech and a team of scientists from a Rogue Trader. The device itself wasn't being used for anything, and they didn't actually know what it was, but the technology being reverse engineered from it was supposed to turn their little SDF fleet into the most powerful space force this side of Battlefleet Ultima. They were patriots see, it had all been for the good of their world, and by extension the Imperium.

The Governor had told them all that within five years they'd be completely secure against any Tau aggression or Tyranid splinter fleets. In ten their shipyards would be the envy of every forge-world. In twenty they'd personally control all space-shipping from there to the Damocles Gulf. And by the end of the century, the Administratum would need to make a whole new sector just to contain the worlds they'd use their fleet to colonize and take back from the Tau. Quite the statement, but every tech-priest and veteran voidsman they'd sent to look at thing had confirmed it.

So they'd all signed on, even knowing that some xenos force was chasing the archeotech and would need to be fought off. They were confident in size of their defence forces, they said. All those other worlds that'd been wiped out were little undefended backwaters, they said. It was worth the gamble, they said. But now that they saw the size of the Heretek fleet and the Inquisition was at their door, they were singing a different tune.

YEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!

>>39187021
Your DM is fucking amazing at this shit.

Woo! Suddenly my day is great!

>>39187096
nope

>>39187096
Not in the slightest, I've been expecting this.

Sarge's cynicism is probably a match for the best clairvoyants in the Empire.

>>39187021
>>39187096
Still, I gotta wonder why Sarge didn't tell at least the other Interrogators sooner.

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>>39187105

Up in our shuttle we were listening in to the whole spiel as we dropped towards the manufactorum they'd fingered. Everyone but Jim and Hannah, who were locked in the cockpit and keeping to themselves, speculated on just what sort of super-weapon they'd found. If it really was such a big game changer it'd be a shame to just blow it to little radioactive pieces.

We were still going to do it of course. Aside from the whole thing where it was heretical piece of archeotech with the potential to drive the mechanicus to schism, you can't carry a nuke all the way down to a planet and NOT set it off. It's just now allowed.

Anyway, as we went to go blow up the archeotech, Battleaxe was organizing a coup. She and her half-strength team would handle capturing the Planetary Governor and securing a temporary government with the help of most of the Nobs' regiments. She wasn't hogging all the support troops though, a sizeable force had been stationed near the manufactorum where the archeotech was located, and she sent them to lend us a hand. Well, actually it was more a case of us lending them a hand, they had a lot less travel time than us and we saw nothing wrong with them handling most of the grunt work.

So our little eight man force came down outside the manufactorum after several hundred PDF yahoos had spent about an hour shooting the place all to hell. That may not have been quite as professional as leading some sort of high-precision strike force, but the important thing is that the place was clear and none of us had gotten shot in the process. Whole lotta PDF had though, the place was a mess. That's what happens when you're dumb enough to try to rush fortified positions. Poor dumb Guard wannabees.

>>39187197
He failed multiple rolls to convince them to come to our quarters where he could tell them without worrying about bugs.

Then he decided he didn't really care.

>>39187197

If I were to guess? I'd say he was subconsciously expecting this, and didn't tell them so they would be planning for it.
Man, you know, if they'd promised the governor that he wouldn't be slaughtered over this, they probably could have secured his cooperation. Then nobody would've needed to get shot by other humans, so the guns could all be pointed at the Hereteks.

What you do with the Governor afterwards is entirely up to you, but as far as I'm concerned, tech-heresy is not heresy-heresy, and not really a matter for the =][= to concern itself with. At least, not unless they start coming tech-heresy with regular-heresy. No matter how hot it makes that lasgun shoot and no irregardless of the fact that it gives it infinite ammo, it is NOT worth binding a Daemon to your lasgun!

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>>39187212

Per our orders the PDF had stayed out of the semi-secret basement where the archeotech was located. They'd just swept the upper building, which had been defended by a few of the Governor's men and as well as a surprisingly large number of servitors. The servitors worried us at first, since the Hereteks weren't supposed to be anywhere near close enough to shuttle or teleport a force down. Thankfully, when Jim and Hannah came over to take a look they said the servitors didn't have any recognizable Heretek markings. That was a load off our minds, and we followed some PDF General over to the basement entrance.

Surprisingly, Jim and Hannah both tagged along instead of returning to their shuttle. Sarge weighed the pros and cons of having two cogboys around when we went to blow up some piece of really cool tech, then decided to trust them. The Enginseers fell in behind Twitch, who was lugging a rather heavy backpack containing a large metal metal cylinder with an unnecessary amount of ornamentation on its surface.

The bomb did not have any exterior controls, readouts, or anything aside from what Jim told us were etchings of holy scenes and prayers written in binary. It looked like a drum for storing holy water more than anything, it was about the right size and weight. We'd had to scrounge a grav plate and clamp it to the bottom for anyone but Sarge to be able to carry the thing.

Presumably the whole reason for the bomb's odd design was that there were no exposed controls for us to muck around with and no way to see inside. It should've stopped anyone who wasn't entirely suicidal from trying to go in and rewire its detonator, but Twitch had the thing cut open within ten minutes of our shuttle's departure. Now the nuke's top was held on with duct-tape, its remote control was hooked up to a novelty noise-maker, and the only way to set it off was using the detonator Sarge was carrying.

>>39187289
>irregardless
Anon, you bring shame upon teegee. You must commit sudoku.

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>>39187315

After a rather unpleasant walk through the corpse-filled building we reached the entrance to the underground lab where the archeotech was stored. We stood around the intimidating entrance for a while, wondering just what sort of defenses were waiting down there, and if it would do any harm to send a few squads of PDF down first. Our little debate was interrupted by a call from the Captain, who warned us that the fleet engagement had started and that, inexplicably, all astropathic communication was being blocked. Jim blanched at hearing that second part, and told the rest of us that the hereteks didn't have a way to do that, the Necrons were here.

Confirmation arrived in the form of a few dozen green lighting storms outside the windows. They weren't violent enough to be an orbital bombardment and faded quickly, but they left behind some very ominous glowing clouds. Tink went over to a window and ratcheted up the zoom on his goggles, then went pale and recommended that we go blow up the archeotech RIGHT NOW. There wasn't time to fool around with sending scouts down there, and anyway the PDF would need all the men they had to fight off the millions of metal insects that'd just teleported into the atmosphere. We didn't need telling twice and practically sprinted into the basement, only stopping to advise the PDF general to conserve ammo and save his last round for himself.

Twitch and Fumbles went first to check for traps or ambushes. Sarge tried to take the nuke from Twitch before he took point, but the demolitions trooper flatly refused. He claimed the bomb was his now, and he'd be damned if anyone would take it from him. Anyway he said it wasn't getting in his way and it actually helped him concentrate; just carrying it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, he said. The rest of us thought that that sounded like it was leaking radiation, but didn't push the issue.

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>>39186677

Oversized tweed jacket with more patches than tweed, cracked glasses, and dust all over his sleeves. Like a master from the Molesworth books.

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>>39187315
oh god emperor this is fucking gold....

What experience are you guys at at this point?

>>39186367
>or the tech-priests stopping being assholes
Aww, he still has hope! That's so cute!
>>39186544
>To that end, both Jim and Hannah were invited down to our quarters, then locked in and treated to a class on Ethics by our resident expert: Nubby.
In related news, Ghazghkull Thraka will be giving a lecture on pacifism and the joys of flower arrangement later tonight...

If Sarge keeps bullshitting and then having stuff happen, someone is going to decide he is some sort of low level precog.

>>39187425
Twitch you son of a bitch, I forbid you to go down with the boom.

My sides

>>39187606
Maybe he is

>>39187611
What better way for Twitch to meet the Emprah than by becoming Death, Destroyer of Worlds?

It's what he'd *want*. To go out like Slim Pickins.


> To Shoggy:
(I have no experience whatsoever WRT the 40K RPGs.)
Does Nubby have some kind of special rule where he's just constantly low-level pilfering shit and at any time he can make a roll to reach into his pockets and see if he's stolen something useful?

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>>39187425

Aside from a few traps which Twitch easily disarmed, the stairs down weren't defended by anyone. Either they'd all fought and died on the surface, or they'd fallen back the the big room at the bottom of the stairs. We all bet on the latter and formed up to breach the final door.

The charge went off, flashes were tossed, and we all rushed in with weapons raised. Then we all sheepishly walked down the empty hallway to what was was ACTUALLY the final door, and did all that again.

This time a hail of las fire poured at us as we scrambled to find cover in a very large room. Luckily, in addition to being very large, the room was littered with all sorts of conduits, machinery, and inexplicably chest-high walls. Through a combination of luck and skill we all managed to find something solid to hide behind and started trading fire with what looked to be five tech-priests.

Originally we'd had some vague plan that Tink would find where in the room the archeotech was and Twitch would plant the bomb while the rest of us held off the defenders, but that didn't turn out to be necessary. For one thing, it was easy to see where the archeotech was, a MASSIVE opaque shield took up the rear half of the room. For another, the tech-priests didn't need to be held off, they were pathetic. These guys weren't anything like the sort of mechanical combat-monstrosities we'd expected, they were just relatively normal tech-priests with las-pistols. They holed up behind some ineffective cover and we picked them off one by one while Jim and Hannah made a half-hearted attempt to negotiate their surrender.

There was just one of the tech-priests left, and we were arguing over whether to try and take him alive so he could deactivate the shield. Then we all heard a metal stomping sound and something that looked like a cross between a dreadnought, a necron, and a metal squid came around the edge of the shield.

>>39187662
>Does Nubby have some kind of special rule where he's just constantly low-level pilfering shit and at any time he can make a roll to reach into his pockets and see if he's stolen something useful?

You calling him a Kender?

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>>39187668

That description really doesn't do the metal monstrosity justice.

Start by imagining a dreadnought made of that weird metal that the Tau use for everything, y'know the tan stuff. Now replace its arms with a pair of those green-tube necron weapons, the kind that shoot the lighting that evaporates whatever it hits. Finally, imagine that instead of it having an armored front-plate protecting a dead hero of the Imperium, it has this writhing ball of mechadendrites and somewhere in the middle is a crazy tech-priest screaming in binary. We were so incredibly screwed it was almost funny.

We'd been expecting something worse than a few schmucks with las-pistols, but for once our cynicism and paranoia had been insufficient. We all just stared for a second as the thing stomped towards us, almost absentmindedly Aimy headshot the last wimpy techpriest. Then the green tubes started charging up and Sarge screamed at everyone to pop smoke and scatter. Cover wasn't going to do shit against those necron-beams.

As the room filled with smoke, the beams started lancing out and leaving big empty gouges in the floor. Operating pretty much independently, everyone started readying what anti-armor equipment they had. Sarge started the show by peeking through the edge of the smoke, noticing he was behind the dreadnought, and activating the special range-finder dealie on his totally-not-a-Tau-pulse-carbine. To everyone but Tink's surprise it worked perfectly, he and Aimy suddenly had the location of the dreadnaut displayed on their goggles and scope respectively.

Two balls of plasma, one big and fat, the other small and fast, flew out of the smoke. They both hit the dreadnought in the mass of mechadendrites that passed for its torso, but only managed to burn a few of the tentacles off. The dreadnought aimed down the gaps in the smoke the shots had left, and returned fire.

Tink was away before his shot even hit, but Aimy wasn't as quick and her world went green.

>>39187021
>the Captain did spare a few seconds to congratulate Sarge on being psychic.
And how did Sarge keep from knocking him the fuck out for that insult?

>>39187675
Of course not. Kender don't have a concept of ownership, so they don't see it as stealing.

Nubby has a concept of ownership. He just believes it isn't really stealing if they don't belong to your unit and they didn't really need it. (And if they're actually enemies, it ain't stealing *especially* if they need it.)

>>39187662

That's sort of how his acquisitions rolls work. DM has us roll, then we justify how the hell he managed to get the result.

>>39187718

Necron dreadnaught aaaaaaa

AIMYYYYY

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>>39187668

HAHAHA TIME TO GO!|

>captcha: ohnoonono
Indeed captcha, indeed.

>>39187718
>Tink was away before his shot even hit, but Aimy wasn't as quick and her world went green.

Nooooooooo! I was liking her! I hope somebody spent Awesome Points to save her.

>>39187763
Ahhh, ah-hahahahahahahahaaah!

That's perfect. Explains perfectly how he's requisitioned everything from a beat-up delivery van to a goddamn Astartes anti-Titan Meltabomb.
(Pity you don't have one of those this time.)

>>39187718
>Tink was away before his shot even hit, but Aimy wasn't as quick and her world went green.
Oh nooooo

>>39187718
AIMY! HERETEK PIECE OF SHIT FART-MINGING, CUM-GUZZLING SON OF AN ORK WHORE AND AN ELDAR TRANNY! KILLHIMKILLHIMKILLHIMKILLHIM!!!

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HERETEKS

>>39187736
And i am pretty certain he has a note somewhere that states that he is actually a human being. Probably.

>>39187819
He has actually been mistaken for a Gretchen on more than one occasion. A note somewhere in his armor signed by Inquisitor Oak, =][=, certifying that this man is at least 96% human and an agent of the =][= might go a long way in some cases.

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>>39187718

None of us were in position to see what happened, but Aimy screamed like a stuck grox and flooded the comm channel with an incredible stream of curses. We took that as a sign that she'd live, and concentrated on the fight.

Not having fancy targeting toys, Nubby and Tink had to find gaps in the smoke to make their attacks through. Nubby hung back and put some well aimed las-shots into the dreadnought, causing it to stomp towards him, while Twitch darted forward with a detpack. Sarge groaned when he saw Twitch sprint out of the smoke with the Nuke still strapped to his back, then nearly had a heart attack when one of the dreadnought's weapons swivelled towards the demolitions trooper. Thinking quickly, he activated his auxiliary grenade launcher and fired a Tau flash grenade between Twitch and the dreadnought.

The dreadnought's beam missed Twitch's nuclear backpack by centimeters, and the blinded trooper slammed helmet-first into one of its legs. Now stunned as well as blind, Twitch staggered around for a second, then suddenly disappeared as Fumbles stuck his head out of the smoke. The dreadnought stomped around for a second trying to find Twitch, but quickly gave up and returned to chasing Nubby as another hail of las-shots hit it. Sarge confirmed that Twitch was still alive, then ran off into the smoke to emulate Nubby's hit-and-run harassment.

While everyone else was running and shooting, Tink sat still and waited for his plasma gun to recharge. As he waited, he noticed Sarge wasn't marking the target anymore and sent Spot out to keep an eye on things. Thanks to the drone's vid feed, he was the first of us to notice that the dreadnought was slowing down a little. Initially he put it down to some sort of battle damage, but then he spotted the familiar-looking skulls flying above the smoke. As he watched one of them darted down and attached itself next to two others on the dreadnought's back, causing it to slow down a little more.

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>>39187718
One more card player for the room, I guess.

>>39187842
yeah i remember that.The weirdboy in a mobile weapon factory incident. although, i do wonder what are the remaining 4%?

>>39187879
Aimy's alive! And JIM FTW!!!

>>39187879
>As he watched one of them darted down and attached itself next to two others on the dreadnought's back, causing it to slow down a little more.

Oh shit. It's gonna turn into a servo-dread-necro-titan, isn't it?

>>39187912
Well technically hes part cyborg, but the entire lower body would probably count as more than 4%

>>39187912
>although, i do wonder what are the remaining 4%?

Emperor alone knows. And even he wishes he didn't.

>>39187956
Indeed. Besides, AFAIK he got the note before the legs, so there is that

>>39187956
>but the entire lower body would probably count as more than 4%

Just his lower legs, I think? He got cut off just above the knees, not the waist.

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>>39187879

Jim and Hannah's skulls saved all of our lives as we pulled ourselves back together. None of us were sure exactly what they were doing, and the Enginseers seemed too busy to explain, but the dreadnought got slower and more inaccurate with each passing second. Everyone stayed back and peppered it with las and plasma, forcing it to constantly stomp around hunting for us.

It was looking like we'd be able to wear the thing down, especially once Aimy had got back into the fight, then the tech-priest caught on. He let out an incredibly-pissed sounding scream and his mechadendrites started ripping the skulls off his back. He'd caught on to our only real trick, but he was distracted, it was time to do or die. Twitch shared some detpacks with Sarge, Fumbles cloaked them both, and they ran in.

It probably would have worked, but it wound up not having to. When the sprinters were half-way to the dreadnought its mechadendrites started bursting apart with little flashes of light. A few seconds later the flashes were followed by a very familiar las-cannon beam and one of those hell-orbs. Finally a blast of raw psychic energy came out of the smoke and slammed right into the middle of the dreadnought's tentacle-face. That was apparently the thing's limit: it let out a sound like blender with a rock in it, powered down, and toppled backwards.

The warlock swept out of the smoke with two of his wraithguards in tow. The one with the weird hell-gun set about methodically sucking pieces of the dreadnought into the warp while the other didn't quite aim its las-cannon at us. The Warlock walked up to Sarge, congratulated him on holding out for so long then apologized for not arriving sooner, he'd had important matters to take of.

Sarge didn't deck the smug bastard, but it was a near thing.

>>39187985
Well that depends how they fluffed it,which I can't recall off the top of my head. By RAW bionic locomotive systems replace anything and/or everything from the hips down.

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>>39188007

Given that the Warlock was there in person and had a pair of wraithguards with him, we were much more polite this time. Sarge made an attempt at diplomatic small talk while the rest of us formed up and took stock.

Mostly we were just bruised, exhausted, and low on ammo, Aimy was the only one of us who'd taken an actual hit. When Jim and Hannah helped her through the smoke conversation stopped for a second as everyone stared. Her hair, and helmet, had been given you might call a reverse-mohawk, the necron-beam had been a millimeter from taking the top of her head off. Everyone quickly found something else to look at, specifically the other figures coming through the smoke.

The Warlock's rangers were practically dragging two short figures. One we all recognized as a Tau Earth-Caste, but the other looked like a monkey that someone had been testing augmetics on. The Tau was frantic, and when he saw us he started babbling at us in gothic. He'd been kidnapped, which was illegal, then enslaved, which was doubly illegal, then forced to work with all sorts of mentally unstable people, and now he was kidnapped again and he just wanted to go home. Sarge digested this for a second, then shot a confused look at the Warlock. He said the Tau was the last of the science team, and ordered him to deactivate the shield.

We all followed the Tau scientist to a cogitator station, listening to a steady list of complaints way. The monkey remained silent, but tried to bite the Ranger holding it a few times. Once at the station the Tau pressed a few buttons and asked Sarge to flip a heavy looking lever. The shield vanished with a loud crack and revealed the archeotech that'd caused all this trouble.

Jim and Hannah fell to their knees in awe while everyone else stared. Then Nubby swore loudly, Twitch started laughing, and Sarge facepalmed. Tink peeked out from the back of the group and turned to Aimy.

>Huh, looks like a necron ship. Wonder how the hell they got that.

>>39188007

Mock the bastard. MOCK THE BASTARD.

>>39188046

Pretty sure everybody saw this one coming, but it's still amusing.

I wonder why the Hereteks are so keen to get it, though, what with it being a boring thing that attracts more boringer things?

>>39188007
Probably one of the rare occasions where having the DMPC come in and take all the glory/credit is canon. FUCKING DICKS.

>>39188046
HOW INDEED
But we all knew this was coming.

>>39188046
So they have a jokaero, or however it's spelled.

>>39188046

Oh boy.

Theres a nuke.

Theres a functioning Alium ship.

Theres THAT scene for ID4.

TIME TO REENACT INDEPENDENCE DAYYYYY

>>39188046
NEW IT! FUCKING NEW IT AS SOON AS I HEARD ROGUE TRADER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

>>39188102
>NEW IT! FUCKING NEW IT AS SOON AS I HEARD ROGUE TRADER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I knew it when this was explained at in the end of The Greater Good. :P

>>39188080
Call me crazy, but I think that the Heretek Cabal that built a Gauss-slinging Necronought MIGHT have an interest in Necron technology

>>39188046
IS THIS THE SAME FUGGIN' SHIP

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>>39188046

We checked, just to be sure. There was a slim possibility that someone else had gotten their hands on a damaged Necron vessel. It didn't HAVE to be the one we gave to a Rogue Trader in exchange for some fire-support. The whole entire bloody mess, from the empty worlds to the damned Heretek fleet above us, didn't HAVE to be the result of us cutting a quick deal to save our skins. This didn't HAVE to be OUR fault.

It was of course.

We could see the spot where we'd melta-ed our way in and the words "NUBBY WUZ HERE" glared damningly at us from inside the ship's open door. This was probably going to go down in some Inquisitorial history book as the most colossal screw-up ever performed by a bunch of low-level grunts. I mean cults and traitors typically have to work for years to achieve this sort of mess, we managed to achieve in just a few minutes of panicked bargaining. Oak, or maybe even the Lord Inquisitor himself, was going to nail our ears to the wall and peel our skin off with a dull spoon over this. Assuming we survived the current mess that is.

Aimy, Tink, and the rest of the team caught on to what was going on in a few seconds, they'd heard that story more than a few times. The Eldar didn't get it though, and just stared at us as we all alternated between swears, moans, and hysterical laughter. Eventually the Warlock got frustrated trying to piece things together and demanded an explanation from Sarge. Our fearless leader was obviously not thinking clearly, because in a fit of retardation he told the xenos the truth. Hooo boy was he pissed.

The lecture we got was a nice preview of the one we'd inevitably get when we made our end-of-mission report. The word incompetent was used at least thirty times, and it was amazing how many synonyms for idiot the Warlock could think up. It was quite embarrassing, but the sheer grating annoyance of being lectured by the smug xenos bastard eventually brought us back to reality.

>>39188129
duh

>>39188046
>>Huh, looks like a necron ship. Wonder how the hell they got that.
How indeed.
>>39188129
I'm sure it's a completely different ship, and this is all a hilarious coincidence.

>>39188080
they might still think that wierd cube thing that Oak has is on it. other then that reverse engineering that ship will yield quite a bit of goodies all around I'd imagine.

>>39188122
Really? I figured that guy was just standard-issue tech-heresy bugnuts, not a warp-tainted Heretek.

>>39188138
>"NUBBY WUZ HERE"

nubbbbbbbyyy

>>39188129
I hope not. I don't wanna see Sarge drink himself to death.

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>>39188138
>NUBBY WUZ HERE

>>39188080
>>39188090
>>39188102
>>39188115
>>39188140
>>39188146

I admit I am bad at subtle plot twists. I think the closest I've managed was the box full of Orks.

I will say that it surprised us though, because we asked the DM and he flatly lied to us for two straight weeks.

That oportunity too loot a necron ship once again.

/*bites lip*/
Time to disguise gauss flayers as lasguns

>>39188138
>The lecture we got was a nice preview of the one we'd inevitably get when we made our end-of-mission report. The word incompetent was used at least thirty times, and it was amazing how many synonyms for idiot the Warlock could think up.

You know you dun fucked up when the chewing you're getting from an Eldar Farseer could be coming verbatim from the mouth of a Senior Inquisitor and you'd be hard-pressed to tell the difference if they were behind a curtain.

>>39188046
And it'd be valuable too, if a certain little black box was still on it... but it's not.

>>39188197

Nah, man. Law of conservation of plot. It couldn't have been anything else, really.

>>39188164
Pfft, I don't think that Necron ships engine fluid could do that to Sarge. Also, Nubby...I don't know if I should say Empra damn you or laugh my dick off.

>>39188221

It's a necron warship. (not warpship, warship.) If you're prepared to build a laboratory which can hold off constant Necron siege, the research value would be *beyond* invaluable to the Imperium. Assuming that the Mechanius wouldn't schism, take Titans for walkies and arsonate whole worlds over the matter.

Necrons have completely non-Warp FTL. *Everybody* could benefit from that shit.

>>39188246
i would like to see you laugh your dick off.

so yesss.

>>39188246
I'm not talking about a Necroline taste test, I'm talking about every last pint of booze on the ISS Pallet Town disappearing and the only clue being one literal dead drunk Interrogator.

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>>39188138

The lecture ended with a wail of "Do you know how much time and life you've wasted with your stupidity?" Which Sarge sourly countered with "Oh shut up, we're guardsmen. Wasting time and life is practically our job description." While the Warlock searched for more words to express his outrage Sarge ordered the rest of us to secure the ship and asked the Warlock what his plan for sorting all this out was.

Sarge and the Eldar argued over whether the Hereteks and Necrons would leave the system if we just blew the ship up. While they did this the rest of us took the Tau prisoner inspected the ship. It had changed a lot since we'd last seen it: the place was practically filled with things that looked like a hybrid of Tau and Imperial tech. Jim and Hannah snapped out of the religious daze they'd been in and, after a bit of outrage about how heretical everything was, started asking the terrified scientist questions.

Playing tour guide seemed to calm the Tau down immensely. He led the tech-priests around the ship with Tink tagging along and asking annoying questions. They were given a completely incomprehensible summary of how the scientist had merged Tau, Imperial, and Jokaero tech into something that could interface with Necron systems. Supposedly that let them reverse engineer pieces of the tech and make their own versions or something, it was pretty much impossible to follow.

While the nerds babbled about how this was the greatest scientific advancement in centuries Twitch and Nubby went to find a place to plant the Nuke and blow it all up. There's probably something deep and philosophical you could say about that, but we were guardsmen. We had a really big bomb, and damned if we weren't going to use it.

Twitch slid the actual go-boom part of the bomb out of its decorative cylinder and crammed it into an out of the way crevice. He was literally vibrating with excitement as he taped the thing into place and armed it.

>>39188314
It wouldn't get that far.

His fellow Guardsmen would realize he was attempting to commit suicide-by-boozeahol and jump on the problem by heroically consuming all of it themselves.

>>39188325
>Twitch slid the actual go-boom part of the bomb out of its decorative cylinder and crammed it into an out of the way crevice. He was literally vibrating with excitement as he taped the thing into place and armed it.

Twitch, m8? I'm pretty sure a nuke would work just fine from the inside of a lead drum.

>>39188325
....horrible misfire/accidental activation in 5, 4, 3...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlwnbcxBuzI

>Twitch slid the actual go-boom part of the bomb out of its decorative cylinder and crammed it into an out of the way crevice. He was literally vibrating with excitement as he taped the thing into place and armed it.

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>>39188325
>"Oh shut up, we're guardsmen. Wasting time and life is practically our job description."
Not since Ollanius Pius has there been a Guardsmen of such caliber. Truly Sarge is The Emperor's gift to the Inquisition.

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>>39188325

Outside Aimy and Fumbles watched Sarge's back as he brainstormed with the Eldar and, over the secure comm Tink and Jim had rigged, the adepts. It was a rather tense situation, especially when the senior tech-priests started repeatedly trying to call Sarge's main comm. Luckily everything stayed subcritical and a plan was formed.

The ship had to be destroyed of course, as did the facility and any notes. The problem was that neither the Necrons nor the Hereteks were likely to leave the system until they'd checked the planet over themselves. Since that checking would doubtless involve the death by scarab swarm or daemonic-machine of everyone on the planet, that wasn't an ideal solution.

For a while they toyed with the idea of taking the ship, which the scientists had gotten flying again, and running. The theory was that the necrons and hereteks would follow it and leave the planet alone, but the Eldar pointed out the vessel wasn't warp-capable and the Necrons would catch anything that was. Really, the only way to save the planet was to somehow stall the attackers until reinforcements arrived, or get them in a fight with eachother. To this end, Sarge suggested just giving the ship to the Hereteks with the experimental Tau tech on it mined, but the nuke left out. This was vetoed by the Warlock as well as Jim and Hannah.

Finally after a little debate an even more suicidal plan was agreed on. The ship would be flown between the Heretek fleet and the region of space where the Eldar said the Necrons were hiding. When both fleets closed on the prize, the ship's teleportation-jammers would be dropped and the necrons would be forced to kill all the hereteks in case they ported something off the ship. If, somehow, the hereteks looked like they'd win the nuke would be detonated. The only questions left were who would detonate the nuke, who would crew the ship, and what would happen to the crew when the teleportation-jammer went down.

>>39188325
BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED

>>39188376
>lead drum.
If you had watched Indiana Jones 4 you would see why there's an issue with that.

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>>39188325
It occurs to me that having a panicy Tau and a Jokero onboard would definitely help with the Rogue Trader cover story for the Occurance Border.

>>39188412
You boys had better fucking eject or some shit...

>>39188325
>"Oh shut up, we're guardsmen. Wasting time and life is practically our job description."

I mean, what do you say to that as a superior rank of a superior race? The dude has a point.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE36tkU9br0

>>39188457
>superior race
>literally fuck up so bad you create an entirely new major Chaos God and destroy a chunk of the galaxy

>>39188489
Oh they are most certainly superior.
When it comes to fucking up and dying.

>>39188489
Hey, man created the other 4 as well.

>>39188489
> You nat 1 on your orgy roll

If anything, they just succeeded too hard.

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>>39188412

The Warlock promised that if we crewed the ship with the Tau scientist, his vessel would follow us at maximum teleportation range. The jammer would go down, we'd arm the mines, and then we'd port out and he'd carry us to safety on the only ship in system fast and stealthy enough to survive the ensuing melee. For trust reasons the nuke's detonator would be left in our hands, but also put on a timer in case something went wrong. Sarge eventually agreed.

Everyone sprang into action. The nerdier members of the team went back aboard with the Tau scientist to prep the ship for its last flight. The Warlock ordered his men to rig their own charges in the lab then, the second the Tau scientist was out of sight and without the slightest hesitation, decapitated the captive augmetic-monkey. Aimey put in a courtesy call to the PDF upstairs, who were surprisingly still alive, telling them to bug out if they could. Finally Sarge called the Captain and other Interrogators to fill them in on the plan. The tech-priests must have been listening in too, because the little noise-maker we had their remote nuke detonator hooked up to went off halfway through the conversation. Sarge called the cogboys assholes and promised everyone else it would work out. He then got a final sitrep from the rest of us and walked over to where the Eldar was cleaning his sword.

Sarge gave the xenos his best parade ground salute, then thanked him for agreeing to teleport us out of the ship. The burly noncom held out his hand and, after an awkward pause, the Warlock sheathed his sword and took it. Looking Sarge right in the eyes and saying it was the least he could do, the xenos shook his hand. Inside that stupid helmet he was probably grinning ear-to-ear about how clever he was and how the annoying guardsmen would finally be getting what they had coming.

Imagine how the xenos bastard's expression must have changed when Sarge's grip tightened and dragged him forward.

>>39188552
...What? Unless you mean "feed with emotion", I have no idea how you think that Man created any of the Chaos Gods.

>>39188563
Party for the party god

>>39188489
You know what they say about those who constantly have to remind you how great they are...

>>39188582
Sarge what are you doing

>>39188617
farseers are pretty valuable, they will probably make the effort to save his life.

>>39188617
Taking a hostage, in the oldest sense of the word: someone whom the other party cares about the safety of, to ensure that they will not double-cross you.

>>39188617
The Emperor's Work.

>>39188582
>Imagine how the xenos bastard's expression must have changed when Sarge's grip tightened and dragged him forward.
Clever bastard.

>>39188642
It's a warlock.

>>39187653
Maybe that's what being a jaded pessimist in 40k gets you.
Seldom happy and seldom wrong.

>>39188617
Being a goddamn genius.

>>39188617
Taking an extra life insurance for his crew

Also, inb4 the captive Tau turns out to be Tink's water caste crush.

(It probably wouldn't be, that would be really slim odds, but hey, stranger things have happened to this group.)

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>>39188582
>Imagine how the xenos bastard's expression must have changed when Sarge's grip tightened and dragged him forward.

>>39188617

Holding hands with the xenos.

How heretically lewd.

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>>39188582

The final stage of Operation Screw Everyone Else Over Before They Screw Us was beautiful. Sarge and the Warlock both staggered backwards as Nubby darted forwards and Tink pulled a lever. Before any of the other xenos could do a thing, the ship's shield sprang back up and cut them off from their leader. The Warlocks sword-hand was locked in Sarge's grip, but his eyes started glowing and sparks appeared around his offhand. This was interrupted by a sticky-sounding thunk as Nubby slapped a det-pack onto his chest, right over shiny-looking gem that sat in the middle of his armor. The xenos went stock-still, hypnotized by either the blinking light on the charge or the way Nubby was waving a dead-man's detonator over his head and cackling.

Sarge released the Warlock's hand, stepped backwards and formally welcome him to the ship's crew. He managed to get through the whole speech without cracking a smile, but behind him Aimy and Nubby were grinning wide enough to swallow and entire sewer's worth of shit. He wrapped the speech up with a little warning about what would happen if anything cut the comm connection to the pack's detonator, then advised the xenos to come aboard and start arranging our exit strategy. The Eldar glared at everyone for a while, then stalked into the ship while swearing and promising vengeance under his breath. Sarge clapped him on the back with a hearty "That's the spirit son" and followed him in.

>>39188675
Nah, Tink would've said something by now. Not everything's a Chekhov gun.

>>39188687

The mon keigh is gonna kiss me???

>>39188694
It's not lewd if you're taking a hostage.
The knifeear space wizard is gonna have a taste of his own dick medicine.

>>39188582
AGP has so much experience getting dragged into Titan-sized piles of flaming shit that, as desperate as things were, I bet it put a smile on Sarge's old veteran face to be doing it to someone else for a change. Physically.

>>39188708
oh god. ahahahah.

this is gonna bite them in the ass so hard down the road too. ahahha

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>>39188452

Rogue Traders travel at the speed of blather. Two pieces of string, a paperclip, and a blurry (forged) signature on the back of a napkin are a suitable cover story.

A panicked Tau and a Jokero are just gravy.

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>>39188708
Mfw. You magnificent bastards.

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>>39188708
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's Beautiful!

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>>39188708

So no shit, there we were, on a Necron ship being piloted by a terrified Tau scientist, flying out to start a fight between a Heretek fleet and a Necron extermination force, with our only chance of survival resting on an Eldar Warlock who we'd taken hostage by gluing a detpack to his spirit gem. Gotta say this for life in the Inquisition: it may be absolutely insane, but it makes for some great stories.

Our flight up to orbit was less interesting that you'd think, we didn't have any windows to see the massive swarm of necron scarabs we were flying through. Mostly we ran around placing all of Twitch's detpacks and helping the Tau keep all the jury-rigged systems running. The little guy was terrified to the point of gibbering by the situation, and Fumbles was put on duty behind him, pumping a constant stream of positive mental energy or whatever. Sarge took the detonator from Nubby and hung out with Aimy and the Warlock and ironed out the last little pieces of the plan, like when the Imperial fleet would disengage and how the teleporting would actually work.

The Eldar seemed to have accepted that all he had to do to get out of the situation in one piece was not be a dick. This was probably very hard for him, dickishness being in the nature of Eldar and all, but aside from being a little surly he was coping. In fact spirits were high all around after Fumbles calmed the Tau down, the only people who seemed to be unsure about the plan were Jim, Hannah, and Tink.

The techies were all rather torn by the way we were about to destroy a technomagical marvel and the fact that the Eldar flatly refused to allow the Tau to live. The Warlock held that the fact that we felt sorry for him was immaterial. He would have to stay and keep flying evasively while we ported out, a mine would be placed on his seat to ensure he didn't fall into enemy hands. Sarge pointedly ignored the mutinous looks and whispering this statement generated.

>>39188794
>So no shit,
It's kinda annoying when you use this phrase every other post.

>>39188794
Not a complaint, necessarily, but
>So no shit, there we were
Is becoming trite. It's mostly a problem if one archive binges.

>>39188825
Picture an old war veteran telling this story in a bar, it's acceptable.

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>>39188708
AGP: Solving immediate problems with much worse but not currently pressing problems.

>>39188825
He sorta needs to, it helps point out just how ploin-shaped everything is in the Inquisition.

>>39188794
>but it makes for some great stories.
Tell me about it.
No really, go on.

>>39188843
This actually sums up their method perfectly.

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>>39188794

It took an amazingly short amount of time to reach the edge of the fleet engagement, Necron ships are ludicrously fast. As we edged around the Imperial fleet some final preparations were made. There was going to a brief period of time between when the ship's teleport-jammer went down and when the Eldar vessel would be able to get us out of there, because science or something. That meant we'd have to fort up together on the fancy pad-thingy and hold off whatever ported in then activate the mines and Nuke's timer right as we ported out. So barricades were constructed and lines of fire were cleared while Sarge went over the ship's big vox station and opened up a general channel.

Sarge loudly, jovially even, announced that the archeotech was right here and the hereteks could bloody well have it if they could catch him. He panned the vid feed around a little, then to really sell things, walked over to the Tau scientist and asked him to say hi to the crazy metal men. Both groups of them. The Tau let out sort of a high-pitched wheezing sound and tried to slap the recorder away. Sarge laughed and reminded everyone that this was the last surviving scientist that'd been studying the ship, this was a once in a life-time opportunity folks. Then he cut the feed, but left the transmitter on so everyone could find us.

We were all watching on the ship's holo-thing and it was surreal how the Heretek fleet shifted. Every single vessel turned as one, ignoring the Imperial ships and burning towards us at maximum speed. Simultaneously a section of empty space on our opposite side filled with little moon shaped shaped ships and a larger one that looked sort of like a fork. They were farther away, but started closing the gap with incredible speed. All of us who'd been laughing at Sarge's little speech went silent and watched as they closed on us like two sets of teeth.

>>39188852
>ploin-shaped
Also, what does this mean? Speak some lower gothic, man.

>>39188825
When Shoggy uses "So no shit, there we were", it means various things
1. Shit is about to get unreal
2. We're entering the last few segments of the story
3. It's to put emphasis on the surreal shenanigans the crew is getting onto

It's Shoggy's thing man.

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Shoggy has taken the place of Scriptarius in my life.

I don't know if he has the same glorious hair, but I have the strangest erection.

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>>39188841

>>39188915
He keeps using it as a substitute for pear-shaped.
It's the kosher version of FUBAR.

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>>39188882

>>39188915
Damn hive scum... High gothic for life!

Basically mean pear shaped, which means fucked.

>>39188843
Rename this
>The AGP's opinion of other Interogators' plans

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>>39188882

Keeping the balance between the two incoming fleets was tricky, but the Tau scientist and his assistants managed it. As they closed it got harder and harder to dodge incoming fire and the shield started soaking shots and we all watched the timer until both the Hereteks were in teleportation range carefully.

Everyone had their own little nervous reactions as the enemy closed, ranging from Aimy repeatedly checking her weapon to Jim and Hannah praying. Sarge took special note of the way Tink was hugging his drone like a teddy-bear and how Twitch kept fiddling with the empty Nuke-case which he was keeping for "sentimental reasons".

The Warlock signalled it was time to fall back to the teleporter and personally placed the mine on the back of the Tau's seat. As he did it he leaned in and told the poor sucker to be careful to stay in his seat so the Eldar ship's teleporter could lock onto him. Seriously, Eldar are dicks.

Everyone slowly filed out after the Eldar to where the actual teleportation would be happening. Tink, Twitch, and Fumbles brought up the rear, the techie was crying and Fumbles was radiating waves of misery as well. Sarge carefully ignored them, but the Warlock spared a second to tell them that they were pathetic and to ask Fumbles to control his aura, it was making it hard for him to focus his own powers. Fumbles flipped him off.

When the timer hit zero, Twitch activated his timed detonators and Jim did something. The entire ship immediately filled with crackling electricity and a wave of pressure that nearly deafened us. What ported in was horrific. The dreadnought thing we'd fought down in the lab had nothing on these guys, they were like the skitarii that accompany the titan legions crossed with daemons. There was metal, and flesh, and guns, and claws, and way more tentacles than anyone should ever have to see in one place. We all froze for a second, then before we could fire the second wave arrived.

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>>39188882
>Sarge loudly, jovially even, announced that the archeotech was right here and the hereteks could bloody well have it if they could catch him.

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>>39188967
>>39188869

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>>39188969

The Necrons' teleporters seemed a little smoother than the Hereteks'. There wasn't any lighting or pressure, just a flash of green light, then the ship was completely packed with metal skeletons, giant-clawed metal worm things, and a few thousand scarabs. We all heard a tinny screaming from the Tau, then the explosives started going off. Everywhere except for our little three-meter pad exploded into violence.

There aren't words to properly describe what we saw around us in that ship as we waited for the teleporter to activate. We all held our fire and just stared into the maelstrom around us, trying to pick out what was an actual threat and what wasn't. At first it looked like everything was just going to ignore us, we were too minor to pay any attention to. Then a single skeleton, taller and fancier looking than the others, stepped right through our barricades and raised glowing green staff over its head.

Three lasguns, three plasma weapons, two pyschic attacks, and a pair of servo skulls slammed into its face. The boss-cron rocked back and a literal wave of scarabs rushed over him, absorbing our followup barrages. Its staff swept downwards and was just barely deflected by the Warlock's fancy sword.

The Eldar managed to deflect too more surprisingly fast blows from the Necron's power staff while the rest of us poured as much fire as we could into it. Then the world went white and everything around the edges of the platform disappeared.

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>>39188089
Remember Bane Johns?

>>39188969
>the Warlock spared a second to tell them that they were pathetic and to ask Fumbles to control his aura, it was making it hard for him to focus his own powers. Fumbles flipped him off.
Good on you Fumbles.

I'd feel bad for the Earth-Caste but it's not like he was gonna live long in any case, given the situation.

>>39188915
>>39188939
Ploin shaped, like a pear, which is bad times all around.
My association was when British people say "Oh bollocks!" (AKA: "Oh Balls!") in place of "Oh Shit!"
Hence, ploin shaped=Any situation that would make a person scream "OH SHIT!"

>>39188969
>Fumbles flipped him off
Fumbles has now become an official Guardsmen

>>39189059
sad but true. If he lives, Oak would probably see about having him interrogated.

>>39189059
Poor bastard. I kind of hope he survives somehow.

>>39189074
Yep. They need to get that boy a helmet, fatigues, and a lasgun. He ain't a Psyker anymore, he's a Guardsman who Psykes.

>>39189092
...He's Fumbles. He'll shoot his eye out with it, or something similarly disastrous.

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>>39189032

That'd been the first teleportation any of us were part of, and honestly it wasn't nearly as bad as everyone made it out to be. There was no muss, no fuss, and no screaming daemonic voices accompanied by lightning bolts. Just one second here, next second there. That was probably because it was a xenos teleporter though.

Anyway, the first thing we noticed upon arrival was that the maelstrom of violence had been replaced by an equally unsettling army of Eldar. The boss-cron looked around for a second, obviously didn't like the odds, then vanished in another flash of green, leaving behind a few dozen scarabs. We very carefully shot these, making sure not to raise our weapons high enough to threaten any of our nice, new hosts.

The Warlock breathed a sigh of relief and barked some orders in pointy-ear speak. He then turned back and asked us to hand over the detonator and remain on the pad until we reached teleportation range of an Imperial vessel. Sarge kept his grip on the detonator and suggested that our arrival had damaged the teleporter, possibly in such a way that it would port us all into the void instead of a vessel. All-in-all he'd prefer to hand over the detonator after a shuttle ride to the Occurrence Border. The Eldar muttered something that sounded like "lucky guess", waved the soldiers away and started leading us through the fancy-but-confusing corridors of his ship.

We rode back on a very familiar looking shuttle, and spent the majority of the voyage trying to stare down the wraithguards and rangers we'd ditched in the lab. Thankfully Sarge was able to keep things to a low simmer, keeping Nubby from saying anything at all, and covering for Tink and Fumbles who were in some sort of depressive feedback loop.

>>39189032
>I have come to claim my prize, living ones. now, die-
>OW FUCK SHIT DAMMIT

>>39189032
How many insanity points?

Seriously, this Eldar is kind of a dick.

Really, there's no need to kill them. If anything, an Eldar should want to promote the "don't try to study it, don't try to use it, don't try to lock it away, just blow it the fuck up" thought lines WRT Necron shit amongst the =][=.

Ahh well.

>>39189107
He hasn't fumbled too much, he's actually quite the capable psyker and enjoyable to have around when kept happy

>>39189112
>Tink and Fumbles who were in some sort of depressive feedback loop.
That sounds... depressing.

suptgfag here, haven't posted in over a year. Loving these threads Shoggy.

>>39189112
Hey Shoggy, you ever see a wraithguard with a faded mustache/monocle combo?

Oooh, boy. Finally caught up.
I think my hysterical laughter is pissing off my suitemates, but it's only nine-oh-six, fuckers.

A little disappointed that all the research and developments pertaining to the necron warship must be disposed of, but I suppose it's necessary to keep the mechanicus from having schismatic fit. And to keep with the 'nothing gets better, ever' setting.

I adore your storytelling Shoggy, even if I'm not often around to reply while you're dumping it.

>>39189175
Sounds like what you call proper negative feedback.

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>>39189112


There was a scary moment when we got back into comm range of the Occurrence Border. Jim and Hannah both seized up started twitching, causing Tink to break out of his funk and grab his tools. You couldn't quite call what followed combat-surgery, but it was close. Tink ripped something small and metal out of Jim's neck, and then they both went to work on Hannah and extracted something similar. When Sarge asked what the hell happened, Tink said the senior tech-priests were rather angry and left it at that.

After that little show Sarge put in a call to our adepts and filled them in on our imminent arrival. The bay we touched down in was some sort of racially-insensitive standoff, with the ship's senior tech-priests and their servitors staring down the Captain and a small army of his armsmen. The Warlock took a look around, laughed, and told us to have fun. Sarge flipped him off and handed over the detonator, prompting the Warlock to laugh some more.

After the guests had left, our little family squabble really got rolling. The tech-priests were livid and wanted us dead and the Captain was equally furious that anyone dared to question his authority on HIS ship. The only thing that kept it from exploding into a bloodbath was the arrival of a sensor tech, reporting that the Nuke had gone off and taken a small Heretek cruiser out along with the ship. Twitch giggled at that.

That wasn't the end of the good news, apparently the hereteks had decided that they'd settle for an unmodified Necron ship, and were going at the Necron fleet hammer and tongs. From the look of it, it'd be days before either side had attention so spare for us. The Captain called that as near a total victory as was possible, then browbeat the tech-priests about how the archeotech hadn't fallen into heretical hands and there'd be time to wait for Juris.

None of us knew who Juris was, but Jim said it was a good thing and we accepted being confined to quarters until he arrived.

>>39189179
Suptg is cool, its how I found tg.

>>39189136
Surprisingly few

>>39189181
Unfortunately no, only the one we pushed out the ship. He was apparently retrieved.

>>39189209
thanks

>>39189245
>Unfortunately no, only the one we pushed out the ship. He was apparently retrieved.
No, you pushed the other one out. The one you drew on was the one that was taped to the wall.

>>39189032
>The boss-cron rocked back and a literal wave of scarabs rushed over him, absorbing our followup barrages.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BO8xZnDeE8

Wow imagine if they'd had to fight that thing without the Eldar present? (And also had another way off the ship.)

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>>39189219

The first thing we noticed after being escorted to our quarters was the large amount of dead servitors. Then the fairly severe structural damage to the hallway. Finally the note from Ol' Bill saying that we were going to have to clean and repair it ourselves, no one in the engineering department was willing to even walk down this corridor much less touch anything. They'd even cut a new entry point to the Gellar Field Generator from a side corridor.

Twitch surveyed the carnage with pride, especially the part where the doors to our quarters were still sealed despite the damage. He supervised the careful opening of one of the doors by while our senior tech-priest and servitor escort stayed at the end of hallway and glared at everyone. Once it was open we all piled in, Fumbles and the Enginseers included, then sealed the door behind us. After a quick sweep to check for any sort of bugs, the techies confirmed the room was clean and Twitch dropped the nuke-case he'd still been carrying. To Sarge's complete lack of surprise, when the lid was popped off a nearly asphyxiated Tau scientist flopped onto the floor, followed by Tink's drone controller.

After the little guy had a minute to breath and get his bearings he was incredibly grateful. In what Sarge thought was an incredibly annoying voice, he thanked us for the rescue then asked what he could do to repay us and when we'd return him to the Tau Empire. Everyone kept quiet on that last part, but Tink butted forward. He announced that for a start, the scientist could help him build a new drone, Spot had DIED for him after all. Then the techie started crying again, which set Fumbles off in turn. Nubby led the psyker away to look at pictures of happy puppies or something while everyone else went to find something less awkward to do, like talk to Jim and Hannah about their complex crisis of faith.

>>39189157
yeah but they've personally slighted him, hes got to do something. also if the cube was the really important thing hes been probably triple screwed here.

>>39189267
I think shoggy meant the wraithguard that was guarding them on the way back to the ship was the one they threw out of the ship.

>>39189267
To clarify. The wraithguard we torsofied and drew faces on was not present. The one we pushed into space was the one we saw again, along with the brightlance wielding one that'd shot at us without us ever seeing him.

>>39189290

Fuck yeaaaaa.

The imperium always comes out ahead.

Now to advance imperial tech and let hannah and jim get the credit.

>>39189290
Oh jesus, they assume the worst, they get it, and then they just don't stop winning.

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>>39189290
Aw jeez Twitch. You're the fucking best.

>>39189293
He's not much of a long-sighted Eldar if he can't look past personal slights to the utility of a bunch of folks who are, very good at causing a lot of mayhem and who think along modes of thought which agree with his ethos.

>>39189290
>To Sarge's complete lack of surprise, when the lid was popped off a nearly asphyxiated Tau scientist flopped onto the floor, followed by Tink's drone controller.
What? How? When?

>>39189290
BAHAHAHAHAHA

Did you save him just to spite the Eldar or to get delicious xenotech data?

>>39189290
Wow. That was a total win for our would be hero's... How they fuck it all up?

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>>39189290

Well honestly talking to Jim and Hannah about religion wasn't that awkward. They were a little confused about the stuff they'd seen on the Tau-ified Necron ship and now thought senior tech-priests were complete assholes, but that just put them on the same page as the rest of us. Mostly we just sat there and nodded whenever they stopped talking, then let them sit and think when they ran out of stuff to say.

As for the rest of us, we were actually feeling pretty good. We'd completed our mission and no one except Aimy had gotten shot. Sure she looked rather odd and was currently up to her eyeballs on painkillers, but the Hospitaller probably knew how to regrow hair and would hopefully go to work on her before she came down. Also as an added bonus if we managed to keep the Tau scientist alive until we got back to Oak, he'd probably be so happy that he'd forget about where that Necron ship had come from. Of course there was still the whole thing where the Necron and Heretek fleets might stop fighting turn on us at any second, but there was nothing we could do about that so we didn't bother worrying about it.

Over the next few days we got regular visits from Doc and the Hospitaller as well as the adepts and the Captain. As a basic precaution the Tau was crammed in one of Twitch's hidey-holes during these visits, he complained about the treatment until we explained what the Mechanicus did to mouthy Tau scientists.

Anyway, everything was going fairly well, both in space and down on the planet.

>>39189333
I'm guessing the Tau who got blown up with the ship was Spot with some kind of hologram. Odd the Eldar couldn't tell though.

>>39189332
Maybe he can and he's engaging in precisely the right behavior to maximally utilize them later?
Foster that paranoia in Sarge. Validate what's already there. Confirm their default assumptions about Eldar.

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>>39189334

Hilarious trip. Also good to see I'm not the only one who plays Eldar as completely untrustworthy pricks and space PETA's worst nightmare.

>>39189355
No psychic presence remember

>>39189383
Ah, there it is.

>>39189333
>>39189355
Spot was wired to the ships controls without the Eldar noticing.

The second the Eldar left to the pad, Tink shoved the drone controller into the Tau's hands, they lifted him into the cylinder, then Twitch told Fumbles to think about starving kittens and they all pokerfaced out.

>>39189334
Pretty much yea, he told us not to, and we already were thinking of doing it...

>Magos Juris

Oh boy if this is the same thing I'm thinking of, then the Tech-Priest problems are either going to get much worse or much better.

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>>39189348

Battleaxe had successfully captured the Planetary Governor and galvanized the PDF into a moderately competent defence against the scarab swarms. Several smaller cities and numerous towns had been de-peopled by the evil little bugs, leaving the silhouettes we'd seen on the dead world, but all the major population centers had been defended. After the Necrons had been engaged by the Hereteks the swarms had stopped porting in, so currently she was just keeping everything stable while the space battle worked itself out.

Up in space Sword-guy was mostly keeping everyone from doing anything stupid while the xenos and Hereteks mauled each other. Astropathic communication was still down but the reinforcements that were trickling in brought news of some sort of major fleet force being gathered near the sector capital. If neither hostile fleet disengaged soon, it was looking like reinforcements would arrive in time.

Finally, the Captain said tech-priests were still sitting tight and waiting for Juris, who was on the way but had no ETA. Since it seemed like he'd be deciding our fate, we asked Jim and Hannah exactly who Juris was. Unfortunately they went full tech-priest on us and only said that he was holy and not something we should ask questions about. We left it at that, things were crowded enough in our quarters without starting any fights.

>>39189348
Oh god, if Weebu ever gets wind of this, there's going to be a second season of the Guardsmen Anime Adventures.

>>39189410
>Twitch told Fumbles to think about starving kittens and they all pokerfaced out.
Love your crew Shoggy. Just want you to know this.

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>>39189426

On the third day of our little incarceration news came that the Necron fleet had disengaged. They hadn't been defeated by any measure, they had just decided the battle wasn't worth fighting or something. They'd pulled back to the edge of the system, then just vanished, leaving the badly mauled Heretek fleet standing there like idiots.

The Teks didn't immediately attack us though, instead they opted to spend a while licking their wounds and trying to find where the Necrons had gone, at least that's what it had looked like. After a day of waiting a substantial number of Heretek reinforcements came out of the warp and the whole mess of them closed on the planet.

From what the Captain told us later the battle started about as expected, with the Hereteks slowly pushing our makeshift fleet back with sheer weight of fire. After half a day of holding actions our guys had taken a beating and morale nearly broke when a major incoming warp signature was detected coming in behind the Heretek fleet. Thankfully though, instead of more Tek reinforcements, it turned out to be a friendly fleet and not a little dinky one. It was an honest-to-the-Emperor, or Omnissiah, Explorator fleet and, I shit you not, there was an Ark Mechanicus leading it.

It wasn't even a slaughter, that implies there were pieces left over. It was a complete bloody annihilation.

Or at least that's what the Captain told us, we couldn't see it ourselves because some bat-shit cogboys wouldn't let us out of our quarters.

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>>39189429

>>39189456
Shoggy, I've had the most god-awful headache for the past four hours. You have made being conscious tolerable.

>>39189429

Imagine reaction when he hears of how the necron ship got there in the first place.

>>39189456
>Explorator fleet
Oh wow, the Hereteks didn't have a chance.

>>39189429
Tons of shower scenes with Aimy and nurse-service with Hospitaller.

>>39189429
As long as he doesn't find out where the macguffin came from.

>>39189511
>>Explorator fleet

Can someone explain to me what the Warp an Explorator Fleet is, and how it's different and more impressive from, say, an Imperial Navy Battlefleet?

And what an Ark Mechanicus is?


I could just Google it, but seriously, I expect /tg/ has more and more interesting answers.

>>39189520

And implied homo relationship between twitch and fumbles.

>>39189476
>Shoggy's face when he hears of The AGP anime gets a second season

I love you shoggy you magnificent human being

>>39189545
Agree, knowledge please?

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>>39189508

>>39189545
If I had to guess from what they did, I'm figuring an Explorator Fleet is the Backpack Nuke to an Imperial Navy Battlefleet's Detpack.

>>39189545
Imagine a navy battlefleet manned and pimped out to the nines by over zealous techpriests. It's basically a navy fleet minmaxed by autists.

>>39189564
Theres an anime?

>>39189545
Explorators are cogboys who explore the galaxy looking for SCTs. Basically AdMech rogue traders. Naturally they have access to the best of the best of AdMech tech, where your typical imperial battlefleet is gonna have the stuff the mechanicus lets them have.

>>39189545
Think of it as a downscaled, slightly less powerful death star in ship form with a bunch of self-sufficient warships capable and equipped for deep space exploration and conquest on the fringes and outside of the Imperium.

>>39189580
See, this right here is why asking /tg/ is better than google 99% of the time

>>39189581
Read The AGP and the Greater Good

>>39189545
An Ark Mechanicus is second in size only to an emperor-class battleship, that is a successful ass explorator.

A fictional one in-universe.

>>39189581
Super PDF Greater Good: Raider Uh-Ohs!

>>39189567
A quick google search turns up that they are basically Capital Ships for the Mechanicus, but with focus on being it's own self sufficient fleet instead of working with other ships. Listed as Do Not Fuck With

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>>39189456

So it wasn't hard to put two and two together and see that this holy Juris guy was probably the reason there was a Mechanicus fleet here now. Sure enough, word came down that the system was now under his… jurisdiction. Everyone was to sit tight while he investigated reports of tech-heresy and took corrective measures. This sounded ominous, but since the person who said it had a bloody Ark at his command, we all sat tight.

After two more days of stewing, stuff started happening. Some fancy looking tech-priests we didn't recognize came and asked for Jim and Hannah. Tink and Twitch were in favor of shooting them, or at least telling them to bugger off, but the Enginseers said it was okay: these guys were from the Ordos Juris. We were all sort of torn as Jim and Hannah were led off, they were our mates and we were worried for them, but on the other hand the cheeky buggers had let us think that "Juris" was just some guys name for something like two weeks.

Anyway, our cogboy and cog-girl were returned without any signs of damage and the tech-heresy investigation continued without touching on us again. The priests never came down to ask us any questions and they never searched our quarters for Tau scientists or disguised pulse-weapons. It was rather worrying at first, since good luck like this tends to be followed by some even-larger dose of bad, but Jim and Hannah said it made sense. They started to explain that it was some sort of treaty between the Ordos and the Inquisition, then stopped when they realized no one but the Tau scientist and Fumbles was actually listening.

Speaking of the Tau scientist, we were beginning to regret rescuing him. Quite aside from the risk of being correctively measured by the Ordos Juris, he was incredibly annoying.

>>39189545
My own googling and rapid research indicates that an Explorator Fleet is basically a buncha cogboys rolling around space looking for cool tech, and that an Ark Mechanicus is basically a Battleship on crack and packed to the gills with the very best toys the cogboys could reserve for themselves.

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>>39189545
>>39189567
An Explorator Fleet is basically a fleet of ships that sets out to find all sorts of fascinating, fun, and fantastically lethal archaeotech. If you're with one, you're likely to get killed by machines.

An Ark Mechanicus is a ship. A big ship. A REALLY BIG SHIP. And it has all sorts of super-duper advanced hardware that exists to kill things dead the good and proper way: through billions of kilometers of hard void.

>>39189545
Part of the Mechanicus doctrine includes the search for knowledge.

Some sects believe all knowledge has already been discovered and they just have to go re-find it.
Some believe that experimentation is alright, provided it's done responsibly and carefully.
Some believe xenotech is worth an examination because sometimes it proves to be not tainted entirely beyond salvation.

Generally, they pursue the more pro-active measures of this by venturing out into the galaxy to find what they can find. Being the 40k galaxy, they tend to have to be well-armed and well-equipped when ranging far afield. If there's a (semi-plausible) rumor of a rogue trader finding an STC? They're on it. If a small xenos empire appears to have dangerous, sacrosanct, or desired technology? They dismantle it. If a valuable forge world is in danger, and they like them, and there's nobody in range? They save it.

Sometimes they, being the mechanicus, have to protect their holdings from things like misguided inquisitors, rebellious planetary governors, or Imperial battlefleets.

If you've played Command and Conquer, think of an Ark Mechanicus as a supredreadnought starship combined with an MCV. They're rare and only the MEchanicus have them.

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>>39189621

Fio, as everyone but Tink called him, was an infuriating combination of neurotic, naive, hyperactive, pedantic, and curious. The fact that no one had strangled him as a child was pretty much proof that Tau civilian worlds really are as non-violent as they claim.

Back when we'd been encouraging him to talk, Fio spun us a rather odd tale of the whole mess from his perspective. He'd been a technician on a Tau border world and specialized at integrating other races tech. He'd mostly worked in a government lab, but occasionally he'd go out to inspect some passing ship's systems. A Rogue Trader had come in, volunteered for inspection, and taken him to see a tech-priest who had seemed a little strange. Shortly after he'd looked at the fascinating ship the priest was working on everything had gone dark. When Fio woke up his fire-warrior guards were gone and he'd been given a new job.

Aside from the kidnapping, the slavery, and the fact that his boss was quite insane even before he'd had the Jokaero "augment" his brain, the job was quite interesting. They'd stayed in their part of the vessel and done what research they could while the Trader searched for a proper new lab for them. Eventually the Trader had found this planet, brokered a favorable arrangement, then went on his way. After that it'd been much easier to get the parts and tool he needed, but the guards were much more unpleasant. Fio had been getting rather worried that he'd never be returned to the Tau Empire before we'd shown up and rescued him. We all just skirted around that subject.

Anyway, the Tau scientist was brilliant and annoying, so it was no surprise that he got on well with Tink. What was surprising was that Jim and Hannah took to him as well, when they weren't all tinkering on Spot 2.0, the four of them would sit around watching Tau vids that Tink had gotten from somewhere. The rest of us avoided their area like the plague.

>>39189039
This is beautiful

>>39189654
>Tau vids
Goddamnit, and I was really liking Tink before he pulled this animu out.

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>>39189290
>After the little guy had a minute to breath and get his bearings he was incredibly grateful. In what Sarge thought was an incredibly annoying voice, he thanked us for the rescue then asked what he could do to repay us and when we'd return him to the Tau Empire

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>>39189654

Our sorta-imprisonment finally ended just before any of us got frustrated enough to kill each other. Doc, finally out of the wheelchair, led the relief force with the Captain, other Interrogators, and adepts at his back. They informed us of our freedom and invited us up to the main conference room for a final debriefing. We were hesitant to leave at first, but Jim sent a skull and confirmed that the combat servitors that had been watching our doors for the last dozen days were actually gone.

When we got to the briefing room it was occupied by a single ordinary looking tech-priest and some guy who looked like a diplomat. Jim and Hannah practically fell over themselves bowing and scraping when they saw the priest, so we figured he was the head Magos Juris or whatever you called it. The Magos responded by screeching something in binary, prompting the two Enginseers to look embarrassed then sit down and shut up. That was the only thing the Magos ever said, everything else came from his diplomat helper.

To start with, there was a presentation of legal documents stating that the entire system was more or less Mechanicus property until they were sure no Necron or Heretek fleets would be returning. Battleaxe and Sword-guy were invited to stay on as official Inquisitorial observers to the transition of government. Neither Interrogator acted surprised and both accepted, so it was probably fixed beforehand.

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>>39189654
>when they weren't all tinkering on Spot 2.0, the four of them would sit around watching Tau vids that Tink had gotten from somewhere
Fucking space weeaboos

>>39189718
The animu thing makes me like Tink a bit more. At least he's not sexually harassing women and machines now.

>>39189654
>when they weren't all tinkering on Spot 2.0, the four of them would sit around watching Tau vids that Tink had gotten from somewhere. The rest of us avoided their area like the plague.

Goddamn techies and their silly tau cartoons.

>>39189750
Personally, I thought "Hanna 2.0" was hysterical.

>>39188675
>water caste
The captive is Earth Caste. But then, so was Twitch's gf; dunno where you pulled Water from

>>39189750

You just wait till spot-chan 2.0 comes with cutey anime voices and an onna-hole and makes high pitched screechy noises when tink jumps on it.

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>>39189726

The Magos' assistant continued to the matter of tech-heresy. The system was littered with little fragments of Necron and Heretek ships, but there was no indication that any pieces of the modified ship had survived. It was the Ordos Juris' official standpoint that this was a good thing. From the few scraps of research they'd examined and Jim and Hannah's testimony, they were of the opinion that the hybrid of xenotech on the Necron vessel was deeply heretical and destroying it was the correct response. Our squad was congratulated for its thoroughness, as were Jim and Hannah for resisting the xenotech's allure where so many others had failed. The two Enginseers literally glowed at this, the rest of us tried to maintain our poker faces.

Finally the discussion came around to our ships tech-priesthood. In the Magos' opinion their actions were not treasonous or heretical, but they had not been ideal. Since our ship's non-ordained Engineering staff seemed unusually capable, the entire priesthood was being transferred off ship for... re-education. Jim and Hannah would remain as the ship's senior priests and a tithe of fresh acolytes would be transferred in from other ships in the system to fill out the roster until we finished our return voyage. This time they didn't glow: Hannah froze and Jim looked like he was about to faint. Tink slapped Jim on the back and said he'd be happy to help out, Sarge told him to shut it.

>>39188709
>>39188675
Maybe he's her brother.

>>39189750
No, enough beatings and actual female experience has learned him some.

who wants to start writing hannahxjimxtau + tinkxdrone slash?

>>39189806
>Tink slapped Jim on the back and said he'd be happy to help out, Sarge told him to shut it.
Tink, unable to rein in his being-an-asshole-ness to literally save his life.

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>>39189783
Earth caste females are best females.
Example provided in pic related
I have this for research purposes

>>39189813
I second this request as well! One with that Fio'la Ravi'ola girl as well, I like them chubby and blue.

>>39189806
Oh my god...this is glorious! A techpriest who's not a fuggin' Moron!!!

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>mfw Oak turns out to be an obscenely powerful Diviner who set it all up this way.

>>39189806
>the entire ship will now have only bros for techies

and it was good

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>>39189850
>mfw I just realize all people have left the room and all lights but my monitor are off as I look at that image
Not cool, brah.

>>39189850
That is with out a doubt the single most terrifying thing I have seen since a drop bear

>>39189850
That picture is fucking horrifying i love it.

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>>39189865
Mfw

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>>39189850
Jesus fuck on a christ bike what the hell man.

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>>39189865
Here you go.

>>39189882
AAAAAAAHHHH
KILL YOURSELF
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
FUCK MY SANITY

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>>39189806

With that final little announcement the Magos Juris left with the other Interrogators in tow and the Captain went to see to his ship. This left just our team and the stunned Enginseers with the translator guy. To our surprise he came over and introduced himself as a Magos as well, despite his apparent lack of metal bits.

As he got closer and we all started getting uneasy. It go to the point where something sprang loose in Twitch's head and Sarge had to grab his laspistol before he shot the guy. Now that we saw him up close he was definitely a tech-priest, there's normal looking, then there's aggressively normal looking. The guy looked like someone had sculpted every inch of his body to exactly average human specifications, it was amazingly creepy.

Anyway, the creepy diplo-Magos went to where Jim and Hannah were still silently freaking out and assured them they'd do fine, the Inquisition was the perfect place for them. Both of them should embrace it and take the chance to watch, learn, and grow; because they'd need every scrap of experience. See, when their service to the Inquisition ended, they weren't going to sit in some manufactorum for the rest of their days. Jim and Hannah had been marked for something greater, they'd be joining the Ordos Juris. This news did absolutely nothing to reduce the two Enginseers' panic levels, and the diplo-Magus let out a very unsettling laugh as he turned to the rest of us.

>>39189850
GOD EMPEROR HELP ME
>>39189882
c'mon now, that aint' that bad. That's natural.

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>>39189888
What did you expect from foul Daemons and their foul warp magick. Could be worse, they could be accompanied by wyches.

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>>39189896
I'll be honest, after /tg/ had a go at me about my 7 and a half gigs of goat pictures I started collecting alpacas instead. Not much better; but whatever

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>>39189908
Promotions!

>>39189908
>The Smiler

Man fuck that guy so hard

>>39189945
You're a fucking monster

>>39189945
You're that goat fucker.

>>39189945
>this post
Son what the fuck is wrong with you?
Are you some zoophiliac or some /fur/-fag?

>>39189908
This is most likely the most disturbing techpriest I have heard about. the nutjobs with no common sense are fine. This one, just... ugh

>>39189985
I think they're cute.

If you give me a minute to find that video of a tumblrina giving oral to a dog I might be able to pretend to be a dog fucker. Is that close enough?

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>>39189908

He handed Sarge a data-slate and informed us that their ship had more… efficient methods of communication than astropaths. The diplo-Magos had informed our Inquisitor of the situation and its findings, Oak had sent this in reply. Of course the Ordos Juris would never read the Inquisition's private communications, but he suspected our Inquisitor had an interesting little task for us perform on our return trip. Sarge pocketed the slate without comment and tried to stare down someone who apparently never blinked.

In an effort to save Sarge, Doc stepped in and asked the Magos if his Ordos would be taking over the pursuit of the Rogue Trader who'd sold the necron ship. The tech-priest switched his unsettling gaze to Doc for a while, then said that, in this matter, the Ordos Juris only had interest in those who committed or ordered the commission of tech-heresy. Everyone who'd worked on the heretical project was already dead, primarily by our hands, and the entirety of the planet's nobility was being examined for… degree of guilt. Currently they were not concerned with Rogue Traders being Rogue Traders, though whoever initially provided them with necron vessel would be of interest. Or would be if the Inquisition hadn't already claimed jurisdiction over the matter that is. Doc decided that he did not want to talk to the scary Magos anymore.

Everyone clammed up and avoided eye contact in hope that the Juris would get the hint and leave.

>>39190008
no, more alpacas, Shoggy's going to be done soon, after he is turn this into an alpaca dump thread

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>>39189654
>everyone stuck in a small area
>watching terrible vids
>everyone's nuts and/or assholes

It's deep hurting