>>40533884
We thought that digging the trenches this way would look more stylish, sir.

>>40533936
That's quite possibly the most idiotic thing I've heard all week.
I don't even want to know why you buried our vox caster...

Who was the officer in charge of overseeing the trench digging?

>>40533972
You, sir. Don't you remember? You came, yelled at us to dig the trenches, and then left muttering about fine wine.

>>40533972
That would be me, sir. It does look more fashionable though, doesn't it? I thought maybe a pentagon for a while but then... it's just not the same, sir.

>>40533884
Sir, defence to all sides sir!

>>40533986
Yes, and I wouldn't have to drown my sorrows if I wasn't attached to a penal regiment made up of the Universe's dumbest criminals.

You people MADE me like this!

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>>40533884

With all due disrespect, sir, the Marshal is an asshole, you're a dickwad and I've had enough of this bullshit. My boots are wet, my flak armour should've been replaced four week ago, my Lasgun doesn't even scratch those xenos beasts we're fighting, my whole platoon was killed in a massed charge against a fortified enemy gunline that you ordered and I haven't had a decent ration of coffee in two years.

So fuck you and fuck the Emperor.

RIGHT, LADS?!

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>>40534013

>>40533990
I-...wha-...Marr, you're meant to be one of the intelligent ones!

>>40534007
We only NEED to defend on ONE side! That's the entire point of this engagement! The enemy is in FRONT of us! The idea is that we go over the top in a straight line, a bunch of you die, and it ALL. LOOKS. VERY. HEROIC!

>>40534013
[blamming intensifies]

>>40534008
You don't really think we're dumb, do you sir?

>>40534013
...

*BLAM*

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>>40533884
um, Commissar, we haven't seen the bugs in weeks, are you sure the Marshal didn't have some of the local flora for lunch?

>>40534039
Lemming, your bayonet is cutting into your shoulder...

>>40534042
Permission to burn the body, Commissar?

>>40534007
>>40534027
Yessir! You see, Commissar, I am still one of the smart ones. Need I remind you of the time Carlsen replaced all of our lasgun battery packs with solar panels when we fought on that hive world so as not to damage the environment any more?

>>40534047
Are you questioning the Marshal's intelligence and culinary taste, private?!

>>40534049
Oh, that sir. It's a new way of holding my gun. I think it's going to be revolutionary! Twice the effectiveness, I'm telling you.

>>40534052
Permission granted, just don't fire your flamer into the wind.

>>40534057
Ugh, please don't. I've no room for hippies in my regiment. If any of you wants to be a salad-eating environmentalist, just remember that Tyrannids ARE the environment.

We are the Imperium! And we are going to kill this environment!

>>40534060
Sir no Sir! I have a fear of small creatures swimming up my pooper, Sir!

>>40534064
What? So you're stabbing something all the time?
By the Emperor, Lemming! Even when you're trying to kill yourself you're useless...

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>>40534080
Yes sir!

>>40534060
Are we... are we not meant to be eating the tyranids, sir? I'm asking for uh... a friend in another regiment.

>>40534089
Understandable, given last Tuesday's events. I'm surprised the Medicae allowed you to come back so soon...

>>40534107
They cook really nicely inside their armour. You just have to add some local herbs for the flavour.

>>40534090
Useless sir? Hardly! This method of equipment handling has plenty of upsides! For example, the enemy will think you're already wounded, letting you take them by surprise! Plus, having the barrel pointing upwards means that you can fire if you fall over sir!

>>40534107
The phrase is "suffer not the alien to live", Marr.
That doesn't mean you can slow-roast them...

>>40534119
I know! Ask one of the lads with a plasma wotsit to rustle something up sometime. The superheated particles make it extra crispy.

>>40534132
You have to admit the rations taste really shitty Commissar. Eating a heretic would be a better experience.

>>40534128
Let's cut this short, Lemming, I want to get to the mess hall before they run out of corn beef rations.
Stop holding your rifle like that, or I'll perform a summary execution.

>>40534145
That was a great bonding moment, wasn't it?

>>40534158
But Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir!


Hmph, fine. But when my ingenious tactical design would have come in handy, don't come crying to me.

>>40534164
Oh, some promethium makes everything a great experience Sarge.

>>40534145
What exactly was it that landed you in the penal regiment, Lyn?
I've a horrible feeling I know already...

Greetings friends! I am Capitan Alexandr. Where is your Commissar of being?

>>40534172
Lemming, you've got red on you.

>>40534179
Oh sir, you couldn't possibly know. In fact, funny story that. You see, the hive block I come from had this really nasty vermint infestation and... Well long story short, those kids won't be needing any hairbrushes ever again!

>>40534187
All a part of my plan to fool the filthy xenos, sir!

>>40534186
That would, unfortunately, be me...

Are you sure you want to be here, Vostroyan? Stupid spreads like heresy here.

>>40534186
Oh thank the emperor! They're sending space Russ- sorry, Vostroyans, as back up?

>>40534194
Just make sure you don't eat any junior officers. Otherwise we might not have enough bodies to choke the enemy.

>>40534199
Ah, so it's not actually blood then... is it?

>>40534210
They're probably here to clean up our mess...

>>40534216
Yes sir, of course not sir! Between us, the Xeno taste better anyway.

>>40534222
Of course not sir, it's ketchup from the rations! Mixed in with a healthy dose of my blood of course. Have to make it as realistic as possible.

>>40534240
And, at a guess, what's the ratio of blood to ketchup, private?

>>40534216
Sir, I'm fairly confident we can take the enemy in close quarters combat, I killed one of the blue Tyranids 3 weeks ago with my hands!

>>40534240
You should cathurise the wound, so it won't bleed. Lemme just use the ignition on my flammer....

>>40534201
*salutes*

Greetings friend Commissar. I hear you speaking of roasted Tyranids, yes? Is favourite on Vostroya. Anyway, I am hear to discuss tictacs with you.

Your... regiment is to be giving us cover fire while we plant explosives, yes?

>>40534238
Sir, we agreed that the 5 mile blast crater was no one's fault!

>>40534247
Blue t-...strange, I've not seen any blue Tyrannids.

There was also a murder committed in the Mordian trenches around three weeks ago...

>>40534245
Around about 5:3, sir.

>>40534252
No, no, the wound bleeding is part of this stage of the plan. The flamer comes in later.

>>40534257
Sorry about that sirs.

>>40534266
I'm sure it was a Tyranid, really scary too, it had a gun, and it was saying things rather than screeching. I think they're trying to figure out how to infiltrate our ranks Sir

>>40534253
I believe so. We've synced watches and we're just waiting for your lads to go up over the top.
Don't worry, Vostroyan! We'll lay down a wall of death...probably for both you and the Tyrannids.

>>40534247
Was this 'blue tyranid' perhaps offering you a pamphlet with a circle and a smaller circle in it? Because I've seen a few of those.

>>40534286
>>40534294
Shapeshifters? I know how to root those out! You just put everyone in a line and then walk down and shoot everyone in the head! The infiltrator isn't a Guardsman, so he'll try to run before getting shot!

>>40534286
You're lucky you're good at hand-to-hand, Jenkins, or I'd have you executed for murder...

>>40534306
Brilliant sir! The infiltrators won't know what hit them! I'm proud to be a member of the... The... The... What was our number again?

>>40534313
We are Penal Legion designation /tg/

>>40534301
Yes it was sir, how long has this Tyranid been around? is it a new breed of Zoanthrope? I take it you've killed these beasts before if you know them so well

>>40534313
M154... no wait, that's the requisition number for promethium.

>>40534294
Very good. We begin assault in... 30 minutes. Are you minding if I stay and observe from here Commissar? I vox my regiment already.

>>40534335
Stay if you want, Vostroyan, just be warned that if you're around this bunch too long without Commissariat training, they might actually begin to sound like they're making sense...

>>40534348
That's because we are, sir! Here, I'll show the Vostroyan my new equipment handling technique!

>>40534335
Would you care for some crispy heretic? There's plenty!

>>40534322
Yes I believe they call themselves the... Taurinids. Devious little bastards. Constantly evolving. Trying to get you to join the tyranids, as if we'd fall for that!

>>40534362
You have any roast Termagaunt?

>>40534439
Gaunt? That one of the bugs? You can check Sarge's sleeping hole. I think he hoards the leftovers.

>>40534393
Those would be Tau, Marr...we hate them too, but in a different way...

>>40534463
WHO SAID GAUNT?! I HATE THAT SON OF A BITCH FOR THE INJUSTICE HE LEVELED UPON ME IN THE PAST!

>>40534463
N-no I don't.

>>40534496
Be of relaxation friend Commissar. I was merely asking if your men had any roasted termagaunts.

>>40534463
Thank you, I shall. Searzhant! You have roasted tyranid for me, yes?

>>40534496
Sir we're out of Meltagun ammunition.
Are we supposed to use lasguns against the nids again sir?

>>40534546
I-uh... Who's asking?

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>>40533884
Thank you, Commissar. Your suggestions have been noted and we'll get right on them.

The Colonel would like you to inspect the demo crew to see that they're putting the land mines in the right coordinates.

>>40534589
We can use my new weapon technique!

>>40534594
I. I am of asking Searzhant. Do not deny me delicious tyranid, I have a mighty need.

...

>>40534762
Heeeeeeeeeey buddy. Enjoying the barbecue?

>>40534769
*begins silently eating standard rations through the purpose-crafted opening in his gasmasking*

>>40534621
What sort of technique is it?
>>40534762
Hello Krieger, any melta ammo round your parts?

>>40534794
Well, we need to hold our guns in such a way that our bayonets slice open our shoulder as we hold them. We then add ketchup to the wounds, and fall over as we run at the enemy. Once we're face down on the ground, our rifle should be facing the enemy, giving us the perfect chance to shoot at them!

>>40534794
*stares blankly, at least it looks as much through the gasmask, then indicates the flamer in his lap and returns to eating*

>>40534719
Alright... alright, keep it on the DL, okay? I don't need high command breathing down my neck. Check round the back. We got rippers, we got gaunts galore and a fair bit of warrior left over.

Rolled 10 (1d20)

>>40534812
Thanks anyway bud.
>>40534807
You, uhhh do that I guess.

/*rolling for modifying lasgun for moar powah/

>>40533884
Comssir! Begg dig line in dirt! Like you says!

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>40534835
Gotta believe harder Stephen.
Gotta believe harder.

>>40534831
Ha ha! Wery good Searzhant, wery good! Mmm now if only I had some Vostroyan wodka and Vostroyan woman...

>>40535460
For all we know the Krieger is a girl but you can never tell under them gasmasks.

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>>40536002
Pah! Inferior swines! See, here! Here is picture of my Anna! She is being fighting on Cadia against armless fool Abaddon. You see she is best girl! Vostroyan women have no equal!

>>40536175
Going to have to agree with the Vostroyan here, sadly. They do make pretty ladies, and skilled ones actually. Best shots I've seen. Rather crap at melee though. My regiment could beat their ass any day, provided we're in close range.

What What chaps! Whose ready for the 15th and definitely final push of this glorious campaign? Evening Commissar!

>>40536493
Evening. I'm definitely ready. Lasgun all charged up, same with power packs. Sword re-sharpened, and flak armor re-adjusted. All good.

>>40536175
Who cares, a cat is fine too.

Or thy would be if *someone* had not burnt them to crispy, apparently delicious deaths.

Sir, I just had a great idea to improve upon Lemmings idea!
What if, before we stab ourselves, we equip our lasguns with flash hiders?
That way, when we fall over the enemy will have no idea where we are shooting from or where we are, since we appear to be dead!

>>40536974
*grunts* So aside from being deprived of sweet hamster pussy for the rest of my hellish life, I also have to spend it listening to idiots trying to overzealously kiss the commissars' ass? He has the ideas, you don't. But you would have realized that if you weren't so busy proverbially uboating.

>>40536974
BRILLIANT! Why didn't I think of that?

>>40534013
What the fuck is coffee? Do you mean coffein water?

1100100101011100101-
Oh, apologies.
Salutations fleshbags! A glorious astrological date is it not?
I have come before this regiment to begin the Rites of Respect and to appease the great Machine Spirits of your armaments.
This will take approximately two hours, twenty-four minutes, eleven-seconds, thirty-eight milliseconds to complete, do not under any circumstance interrupt the ritual, else we will have to start from the beginning.

>>40536533
Wonderful. Of course, our boys are all lined up, ready to fire by ranks till the tyranid scum are nothing but an interesting hunting trophy to show to the chaps at the club.

>>40537603
There's a club?

Can I join, sir?

>>40537648
Commissar, why is this ranker talking to me?

Gaurdsman! Report yourself to the officer of the day for discipline. Then wash your uniform. Half of it is the wrong colour. I'm fairly certain your regimental colour is not red.

>>40537490
I think he meant recaf, must be slang from whatever shithole he's from.

>>40537714
Major! Is pleasure. Captain Alexandr Mikhailovich, Vostroyan 231st.

>>40537915
Ah! A gentleman. Finally. So good to see someone of class around here.. Remind me to send you over a bottle of Praetorian amsec once the shooting has stopped.

>>40537515
*whispers* My patience has a span of exactly two hours, twenty four minutes and twelve seconds.

>>40537953
*whispers* once the shooting has stopped and if you're still alive.

>>40538001
What was that Gaurdsman? Im sorry my hearing isn't as good as it used to be. Hearing over a million orks screaming at you as you lead a charge towards their Warboss tends to leave you a little deaf.

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>>40537763
To be fair, the Recaff is what's keeping me personally from snapping and killing you all.

That's what got me here in the first place, anyways.

Which one of you low life's took my staff!?

>>40538029
I'm sorry major, my voice is hoarse from screaming "for the Emperor" louder than the orks' charge.

>>40538134
I'm not sure you were there with me on Basal VI for the glorious advance of the 2nd Praetorian Gaurd. Unless.....

>>40538121
Are you talking about the plunger?

>>40538034
Woman, please tell me you did NOT just decide to join a male penal regiment. Do you have an idea of the amount of soap dropped here amongst the lads? And how long since we saw ladybits?

Or goat-bits, in my case.

>>40538159
I fell low, yes. But I would do it all again for one taste of sweet, goaty ... *mumbles off*

>>40534008

yes, we are a social poison that befouls all whom interact with us.

obviously the correct course of action is to take us of the emperor forsaken battle line in the middle of nowhere and assign us as an honor guard to a team of ambassadors so that we most effectively ruin the enemies of mankind.

maybe replace us with some mordians.

>>40538235
Ahh yes. I remember you.. now I understand why you are in a penal regiment. The incident with the company mascot, yes?

>>40538179

Hrmph, what makes you think I'm going to be the one dropping the soap, hmmm?

Muttering: Or, for that matter, that I had a choice about which Penal regiment I got to join? Stupid frakking Commissar, I knew he said it in a weird way. Probably a deviant heretic himself, should have fragged him too . . .

>>40538253
She was totally asking for it.

>>40533884

I like your hat.

>>40538280

ALL HAIL MIGHTY ASTARTES!

ALL HAIL!

THE EMPEROR'S ANGEL WALKS AMONG US

(guys which chapter is he from, I don't recognize the heraldry, specially that weird looking 8 symbol)

>>40538280
You seem like a pretty cool guy. Want this staff?

>>40538272
You sound cool, I like you. Not in that way though. I prefer them with more hair than you could grow in ten razor-less years.

>>40538279
The goat was male, Gaurdsman. That was part of the problem. Assaulting the regimental mascot- 50 lashes. Bestiality- 150 lashes. Sodomy- Transferal to a penal regiment.

>>40538412
Glad to see the Imperium still has its priorities straight.

>>40538412
Also, I regret nothing. Except getting caught.

I told her... him to bite in a cushion if he couldn't hold it anymore. But noooo.

>>40538495
And this is why you will not amount to anything as a guardsman. Killing the Regimental mascot is understandable, since goat is delicious to one with such uncultured tastes. But raping it when there were plenty of joygirls near the base.,...

>>40538364
Honestly, the full body depilatory treatment was the only high point of getting put here.

This isn't even my real hair, it's some strange animal that I picked up while fighting some Orks. Foul fuckers, turns out it's some kind of sim-bot or something. A Magos Biological took a look at it, made a bunch of interesting noises, and then said it was "Mostly harmless" but I have to report in every other week so he can see if it's eaten my brain yet.

Damnit, almost out of recaff.

The goat story, then. Should have killed it first, no noise and you can use the blood as lube. Also, pretty sure it counts as desecrating a corpse instead of sodomy, and then you just have to convince the Commissar that at least half of them were running away and the rest of your actions were just being filled with hatred at their betrayal of the Emperor.

>>40538599
Well at least I am still here, isn't it? Serving the Emperor. I am not so desperate that I fuck my fellow inmates and die of space aids, I don't bother the commissar, I don't stab myself like Lemming here, who each day invents a new, stupid way to die and I don't confuse my flashlight with a fleshlight.
And I won't think too hard about why the Imperium is so against sodomy when the Emperor only made sons and male space marines.

>>40538740
We all do a little bit of sodomy in school, but it should stop once you join the military Gaurdsman! Anyway, enough of arguing with the rank and file. I will see you on the other side Gentlemen
"Exit stage left"

>>40538717
Dead, lifeless things are disappointing, Val. At least to me. Were you that one guardswoman that enjoyed rigor mortis a bit too much? I've heard tales.

>>40538769
I did NOT want that mental image of the Commissar.

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*Sharpens Knife as urge to kill Commisar rises*

>>40533884
Reporting in sir!

Just finished going over my chainsword and laspistol!

>>40538841
What are you doing in a penal regiment? How did you even get dropped here?

>>40538893
He's part of the exchange programm our regiments are having.

Yeah, I don't know why this is a thing either.

>>40538893
*Continues sharpening knife silently*

>>40538922
Wait a minute, Catachan knives aren't supposed to need sharpening due to the material they are made from.

YOU'RE A FAKE!

>>40538958
*Stops sharpening Knife and gives the Lieutenant a "really?" look*

>>40539017
Hey, I know my knives, now unless it's for show or a hobby I think I'll be watching you.

*Starts sharpening Chanisword*

>>40539100
This could be interesting. *sips on recaff*

Is it me or is the Commissar awfully quiet?

LET LEMMING BE A SHINING BEACON UNTO YOU ALL, FOR HE MUTILATES HIMSELF IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!

Commissar, shouldn't you just execute the lot of us and be done with it?

>>40539175
Oh god-emperor no, not him, what did I do to deserve this.

>>40539204
HELLO, GUARDSMAN! ARE YOU READY TO DIE FOR THE EMPEROR TODAY?! WHAT A WONDROUS MARTYRDOM IT SHALL BE!

>>40539218
I have died for the Emperor today, just didn't let it get me down.

>>40539218
Now I can't even hear the commissar anymore.

>>40539218
Oh sure.
I'm never gonna give him up, never gonne let him down, never gonna run around and desert him.

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WRYYYYYYYY!!!!

>>40540432
Chyort! We are of being fucked my friends!

>>40540684
Wasn't me.

There... Isn't going to be a storm... Right, guys?

>>40540759
What are you even babbling about new guy? Did you pick up too many soaps?

Storms just terrify me... Reminds me too much of Mara. Was convicted for my actions there, you know?

Anyone seen the commissar?

I haven't. Must be checking some other unlucky sods.

>>40541449
Speaking of soap... Have any water? My ears feel better with some water in them.

Guys, is it normal for lasguns to have eyes?

>>40542112
I suggest you contact that guy with the flamer. Immediately. Before the commissar gets back.

>>40542168
Ah man it's got a mouth! It's trying to bite me! It's trying to bite me!

Oy, fellow 'umies.
Bein' so hairless and pink is great, yea?
Where we gon' be settin' up for fightin'?
Gon' wanna put the 'ighest amoun' of dakk- I mean fiapowa on dose xenos

>>40542201
Wanna swap guns? That's a cute little thing you have there...

>>40542201
Is not lasgun, fool! Is a gaunt, which is good. I was getting hungry again.

>>40542314
We've got more important things to worry about, like this lasgun with teeth!

>>40542344
Take it, take it!

>>40542356
...lasguns are Tyranids?

>>40542201
Just throw it over there, I'll plasma the emperor-damned thing.

>>40542314
You remind me of something lewd I did a long time ago.

>>40542344
Gibbers, I don't think you're going to last very long, with your sheer stupidity and general PTSD.

>>40542494
Catch it! Watch out for the teeth! It's got real big nibblers!

>>40541810
Anyone seen the Catachan? You know Commissars tend to die around them.

>>40542314
I like you, Nawt, you've got real human sensibilities.
For the Emperor!

>>40542636
*Shrugs* they say I ain't dumb. Others say I am. But I can say that this little thing is the cutest I have seen since Mara.

>>40542820
You really, really need to find something else, that doesn't have a gaping mouth, huge sharp teeth and tries to bite you, I mean.

Anyhow, here is my flask. Maybe water in your ears will help.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FRY THE SHIT OUT OF THIS... WHATEVER THIS DARN THING.

>>40542314
oh! you must be another Catachan transfer then!

>>40542412

>...lasguns are Tyranids?
You are having seen before lasgun with teeth, friend?

>>40542314
This is clearly Ork. *BLAM*

>>40543091
I haven't seen anything like that before, but for all I know we could have, like, babies with metal wings and chainswords.

>>40543047
Thank you. Finally some peace from the buzzing...

>>4054313
Don't those grow up into Dreadnoughts?

>>40543047
>>40543137
*BLAM*

There! Is ded. Now I cook for supper.

>>40543184
What, the Ork?

>>40543224
No! Tyranid lasgun, fool Guardsman!

>>40543149
I would tell you you need to find a girl, since you seem to think that things with fangs and huge mouths are cute, but hey, this is a male penal regiment, so I guess you're screwed. Or you probably will be.

Huhu.
Get it?

>>40543184
Hey wait a second. Guys, what's this circle thingy on the side of it? It's got like, arrows or something. Some sort of birthmark?

Wait, did we confirm this was or wasn't a lasgun?
How are lasguns made?

>>40543243
Do Tyranid lasguns normally have circle thingies on them?

>>40543091
>>40543224

There was an Ork?

*Inspects fortifications*
*Consults blueprints*
...
Why is this trench quadrilateral?

>>40543091
Hey, Nawt seemed like a good guy.

>>40543243
Oh that sounds nice. What's your recipe? Do you let it marinate in wodka for a while before sizzling it over a prometheum fire?

>>40543224
Actually, that kinda raises a good question. I mean, if we were hungry enough that is. But what would ork taste like? Would there even be any bad side effects?

>>40543262
I dunno why it is been built that way, ask guardsman Lemming, if he hasn't bled out by now. Or our Commissar, but he is no longer responding. Actually that one guardswoman has been absent as well.

>>40543251
Ah. I swear I have no clue.

>>40543323
Don't put ketchup on it, with the red and all.

>>40543250
I too thought it was weird at first. Well, in tunnels of Mara you learn to appreciate sharp teeth.

>A small warp gate appears.
>Something akin to a macro shell begins to appear
>It plops to the ground just outside of the trenches
>A closer inspection yields the lettering Life Eater

>>40543324
It doesn't look like an Imperial symbol to me. If we're cooking it, we should see if that's just like, dirt or something.

>>40543354
Ooohhh...shiny.

>>40543324
Regardless...it must be corrected.

>>40537515
/*coughs nervously*/
Nothing wrong with my lasgun sir.
Nothing wrong at all.

Who of you has stolen my shovel?How I am supossed to be a Krieger when I don't have a shovel?

The protocolls to ensure order and discipline say that I now have to start executing you until I get my shovel back.

>>40543324
Wait... Commissar and fool Guardsman and Guardswoman are of disappearing. And Praetorian Major is also of disappearing...

>looks at the dead Ork

KOMMANDOS! FORM UP FOOL GUARDSMEN! FORM UP! I AM OF LEADING YOU NOW!

>>40543551
<even in death I WAAAAAAAAAGH>

>>40543551
Reporting in sir! How do we tell what to shoot?

>>40543601
It's not digging a new trench in accordance with imperial regulations.

>>40543551
Reporting in! So... When will I get magnacles? Usually they restrict my hands at any high-stress situation...

>>40543551
Aye sir!

/*shot-lassing intensifies*/

>>40543601
3 SHOTS IN ALL DIRECTIONS! ANYTHING THAT LOOKS STRANGE, SHOOT!

>>40543687
Pew pew pew!

>>40543687
These field kit inspections get worse every time...now I know what the report meant when it said my predecessor died of stress...

>>40543750
Commissar?! You are not being dead?

>>40543687
>>40543640
*after shooting* Oh thank the emperor, the gun didn't blow up on me.

>>40543750
Oh, the commissar. Would you mind inspecting that shell over there, and the weird lasgun?

>>40543750
Is it the time to magnacle me again? Or is everything alright?

>>40543750
Sir, it is my duty to inform you that your battle lines do not meet expectations.

>>40543724

Not in this direction. Do I look like an ork for you?

>>40543832
I dunno, Quartermaster, have you always had those tusks?

>>40543750
Commissar!
DO YOU HAVE THE MELTAGUN AMMO!
THIS UHH "LASGUN" IS GETTING OLD!

>>40543832
Kommandos are sneaky suckers you know, looking behind every so often saves lives!

>>40543857
I wear a gasmask. How can somebody confuse this with tusk, Guardsman Anon?

Has anyone seen the pyromancer? Also, totally unrelated, does anyone have something fireproof I could wear for the next few days?

>>40543953
I have water in my ears, if you want some.

>>40543953
I've got you. After using a plasmagun for this long, you tend to stock up on fire proof clothing.

>>40543953
Improved or additional armour is only to hand out to officers, unless specifically ordered by a supervisor.

>>40543764
Of course not, you idiot!

>>40543798
I'm a disciplinary officer, not a bomb disposal expert! You check them out, and don't drag me into your idiocy!

>>40543801
Prostate probe and no jelly!

>>40543811
I'll get my men on it right away! That, or I'll shoot them, whichever comes naturally at the time...

>>40543860
I AM A DISCIPLINARY OFFICER, I DO THE SHOUTING, NOT YOU! SHOUT AT ME AGAIN, AND I WILL DEPRIVE YOU OF THE LUXURY OF YOUR ARMS!

>>40544038
Can we get... Say60 meltas with ammunition.
Bet we can kill anything with focused fire from 60 meltas.
I can give you the number of this qt3.14 techpriestess in exchange

>>40544038
Oh, I was just asking, Quartermaster. Just, uh, smalltalk.

>>40544081
Add a new shovel and I will look what is left in the armoury.

>>40544077
... Can I have water in my ears during that? The buzzing hurts my head...

Hmm? Oh, uh, it appears we've shuttled down to the wrong side of the planet, Sir. Lets be on our way.

>>40544123
Deal.

/*hands over requisite items*/

Yessss

>Suddenly reality begins to warp as another Gate to the immaterium appears
>Yet again a shell begins to emerge
>As it drops and the gate begins to close again a soft whisper is borne on the wind
>"psh..... kid"
>The maw of madness disappears and all settles back to the way it should be.

>>40544258
>Puts the Immaterium up on disciplinary charges.

>>40544286
Do we throw krak grenades at it sir?
Or psyker bits?
I forgot.
Nid warrior bits make it flicker though.

>>40544326
Let's send the pyromancer to deal with it. I'm sure he can burn it no problem.

>>40544286
>The Immaterium refuses to acknowledge you
>You are not it's father

>>40544250
Ok we have only about two dozen melter in storage. Maybe we can glue some hellguns together or something.

Hey guys, we heard shooting.

What the fuck is going on and why is the trench a diamond?

>>40544378
>DOES IT ANYWAY!

>>40544565
I thought the Krieger fixed that?

>>40544608
You mean that guy in the gas mask digging away with the shovel?

Isn't that natural Krieger behaviour?

>>40544570
I recommend to set up fortifications around the immaterium. Then it won't be able to run away.

>>40544286
Commissar! I receive vox from my regiment. They are in position, ready to plant explosive. We are needing immediate cover fire.

>>40544462
Thanks quartermaster.
Now time to break out the duct tape and twin link me some hellguns!
>>40544570
Commissar, we've been throwing random stuff at the warphole and so far nothing is happenning.

Permission to open fire.

Well, this is a thing

>>40544608
>>40544645
It's a work in progress.

>>40544653
Good idea! Go and do that.

>>40544683
We'll offer supporting fire just as soon as we've dealt with this...

>>40544685
Permission granted!

>>40544683
Well lads we've got twelve meltas and 3 err "twin-linked" hellguns hop to it.

>Reality begins to fizzle once more as a crack forms in the air above the ordinance....

>>40544788
Alright, you get on with that.
>>40544794
AYE COMMANDER! FOR THE EMPEROR!
>*Begins shooting at warp-hole with hellgun"

>>40544794
Alright lads, volley fire the meltas on the immaterium on my mark.

Hellguns get into position to cover the Vostroyans.

3
2
1

Mark

>"ouch"

>>40533884
Whel hyello evoreewhan!

What are whee doing tooday?

Lhats deescuss howor battle plans.

>Disturbances on both planes of reality make the gate flux and tear
>Suddenly it opens wider than it ever has and 2 more shells are deposited on the ground
>now forming a veritable mountain of deadly ordinance.... or is it?
>with that the maw of madness starts to close
>It turns out it was just cleaning out it's closet
>Rude

>>40544942
What the fuck is up with your face? It looks like you ate a box of nails then deep-throated a power-drill.

>>40534057
especially idiotic as lasgun powerpacks ARE at least partially solar

>>40545028
>>40544942
Is extremely annoying accent. Is this Tallarn?

>>40545028
Eez that nhormal? beechause jes I did.
Zho, vhat is howor meeshon?

>>40544899
Can I geet a meltah too?

>>40545141
Jes! evoreewhat een Tahlarn dheepthrats dreel beets!

>>40545156
>>40545141
>>40545028
>>40545026

I've had enough of this madness for one day...

Penal Regiment designation /tg/, and allies, you are dismissed. I'm going to drown my sorrows at the nearest boozer.

>>40545156
You'll have to talk to the quartermaster for that lass, all the rest have been taken up by some of the other lads.

>>40545141
I've got no idea. I've served with Cadians, Kriegers, catachans and many others. Not Tallarn though.
>>40545156
Boy, when someone tells you to do something stupid like that your supposed to ignore them, not actually go and do said stupid thing.

But in regards to the mission I have no idea, maybe you should talk to one of the officers.

>>40545182
*BLAM*

Executed for wasting the Emperor's drill bits.

>>40545207
Ok then back to my boys in the Elysan sector.
>*leaves the trenches and returns to deeper in Imperial lines*

>>40533884
(An extremely fit and attractive guardsman armed to the teeth arrives)

Commissar! I just arrived off the shuttle! I must have been trained extensively in heavy weapons, hand to hand, spec ops, stealth, mechanicus and was in the top of every field! I am ready and willing to do my part for the Imperi-

(A bit of metal from a nearby explosion buries itself in his head and he dies immediately)

>>40545281
Oh dear...

>reloads his bolt pistol

He tripped.

>>40545207
JAY! I've been deesmeesed!

>>40545233
Ohkhay I ham goeeng to the quar...cwarther...that place to find thee weapons!

>>40545261
>Scampers away with a serious wound

>>40545207
...But the trench...

>>40545356
>Waving a pair of trowels enthusiastically
I wheel help hyu weeth that tranch!

>>40545318
Liason!
Wanna go Nid hunting?
We've got twenty-four bored meltagunners and 5 bored "twin-linked" hellgunners.

Okay, no one panic, but the armory was on fire and there are clear signs of arson.

who do we know would want to set fire to our armory?

>>40545396
>lightly singed

>>40545396
Don't worry Jerry, that's the fake armory where we keep the porn to hide it from the commissar /*pause*/

I bet it was the Tallarn duckin prudes taking away our picts and holos of scantily clad women of the imperium.

>>40545388
Help me first Searzhant. Organise into firing group and provide cover for friend Vostroyans, da? Da!

On my orders.

>>40545641
Meltas are lined up and ready for volley fire.

Hellguns are split into fireteams ready to flank.

On your mark sir.

>>40545499
Oh nho! I sahved those before I bhurned the beelding down.
I mhean I sahved those peects hyu are speeking af traying to poot the fiyor out.

>>40545281
well that didn't take long

*Returns and continues sharpening his knife*

>>40545641
I'll drop some superheated distractions for our demolitions guys!

>>40545801
I KNEW IT!
An ecchlesiarchy spy!
Trying to get us away from God-Emperor fearing women.
Your faith in the Emperor may satiate your jimmies but for the rest of us he gave pin-ups!

Oh God you saved the Marshalls soriritas collection, you monster.
>>40545641
Just tell us when to stop volley firing at the enemies Liason.

>>40545728
>>40545887
Firing flare.

Here they come men! Hold fire! Hold!

>>40545913
Ahm...Jes! I am a high rankeeng spy fohor the eel-lees-starky.
Hyu may have thee peects back eef hyu sateesfy my jeemies!

Ahlso I may want to keep thee seestor af battle wans.

>>40545141
>over vox
We've reached the designated fire base, signal when ready.
*annoyed* And the ONE TIME we shoot down your Valkyrie gunship by mistake, and you think anything bad must be tallarn! It is unwise to attribute all bad things to us for that.

>>40545944
Don't worry Liason, fire held.
Okay worry actually.
A fire team reported enemy flankers east of your boys they best run fast or they'll be caught.

>>40546050
Flankers? Hope they enjoy flanking fiery death! For the Imperium! *begins laying into the area*

>>40546098
>>40546050
>Over Vox to Vostroyan Regiment Liason Alexandr
Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Unit is friendly, repeat, friendly!
>Signal cuts out to static

>>40546049
We have one of your annoying troopers here if you like to collect them.

>>40546050
>>40546098
Open fire!

>>40546147
Oh shit. Reminds me of how I got into this legion.

>>40546187
Seems to be a new type of 'nid sir.
Trying to pretend it's one of ours.

Bet it tastes like chicken

>Quietly moves through cover to get into the barracks unseen.

>>40546298
Anyone else feel as if they were in an enclosed structure they would already be dead?

>>40546377
OH GOD-EMPEROR IT'S GOT ME! IT'S GOT ME!

>Flanking unit sends up a ceasefire flare
>Over vox
Were you not briefed before hitting planetside? You're to support our advance from the mountains, targets are friendly!
We have casualties now, but none unaccounted for, trooper is not ours.
>*indistinct sand-people chatter in background, signal ends.*

>>40546377
Do trenches count?

>>40546298
Give me back my pants you monster! Those trousers belong to the regiment!
*Pew Pew Pew*

>>40546466
Ours? I guess, assuming you haven't converted them back to regular old lines.

>>40546490
Hiss!
>Bursts out of a window with multiple pairs of jeans.

>>40546573
You would look pretty on my wall!
Meltagunners! Aim low.
>>40546464
Get your drill bit fellating Emperor-given pin-up hating mongrel.

>>40546539
As it stands the trench is now in compliance with the imperial doctrine with ramparts, razorwire, mines,las-cannons,auto cannons and heavy bolters, as well as sleeping holes for the troops and a bunker for officers, do not press the red button unless you are being overrun.
Are my services needed elsewhere to ensure the operation is a success and more importantly, up to code?

>>40546619
>Roars to the meltagunners and begins climbing the barracks' wall towards the rooftop.

>>40546464
I am liaison officer. Go figure. Alright men, cease fire! Desert friends coming in.

>trooper is not ours
Emperor damn it! I had feeling something was wrong when she not sound like every other Tallarn I know. https://youtu.be/q81O4wXBlD4?t=20s

>>40546286
Searzhant! Find that spy!

>>40546573
AIAIAIIIIAAAAEEEEEE DIEDIEYOUTINYFUCKTAKETHATANDTHATANDTHATOHYEAHYOULIKEKNIVESHUH?!WELLCOMEGETSOMEAHHHHHH

>>40546652
OHYEAHYOUTHINKYOUCANESCAPEFROMME?!WELLTASTEFULL-AMPLASGUNFIRE

>>40546629
Friend Krieger, help fool Guardsman in watch post and shoot that genestealer, yes? Very much, please and thank you.

>>40546629
I believe we are good for now.

>>40546652 I personally believe that plasma is superior at close combat than you, xenos! *begins firing*

>>40546709
GO FUCK YOURSELF I'M THE GUY THAT'S GOING TO BAG THAT PINK-PURPLE PINKO SHIT

>>40546703
>Gets hit on the arm and drops the jeans that were being hold by said arm.

>>40546739
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU AIN'T THE ONLY ONE HERE BUDDY! *take a plasma gun and fires akimbo with my las-gun*

>>40546658
Alright boys, remember the floozy who burned the "armory".
We're hunting her for being a spy, and leaving us only with the Marshalls Sororitas Collection.

>>40546703
And somebody calm this one down before we get any more friendly fire incidents.

>>40546709
It shall be done.

>>40546739
>shoots the sergeant in the knee for disrespecting a superior officer from a superior regiment

You are lucky platoon is under-strength, "friend."

>>40546760
Meant to link >>40546737

>>40546762
SHUT UP WE'RE DOING THE KILLING HERE OH YEAH WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT YOU UP FOR THE IMPERIAL MEDAL OF UGLY! WE DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE XENOS, HERETIC OR WORSE -- HERE YOU ARE ALL EQUALLY DEAD

>>40546784
AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH...oh wait my legs are fine. Thanks for knocking some sense into me, sir. *Keeps shooting akimbo with plasma-gun and lasgun.*

>Leaves empty-handed of jeans, yet covered in human blood from multiple soldiers from the barracks. The only survivors left on the barracks are awkwardly pale and can't remember anything from a genestealer assault

>>40546658
>Over vox
Preliminary observation of the lowland fortifications show some kind of depot. The unknown enemy appears to be amassing large quantities of oil and flour dough...

Our position is compromised at the moment we'll reroute to nearest cliff overhang.

>>40546902
Uh...*drops plasma gun* What the fuck happened? How did it get away? The hell?

>>40546928
Could ya cut off that Genestealer while rebasing?
Still lookin for the fake Tallarn

>>40546939
*Retrieves my Plasmagun* I believe in your haze of rage you may have been seeing a bit wrong. You did manage to royally screw up the trenches though.

>>40546993
Uh, yeah...At least it was fun. I should try to procure a plasma-gun from the armory, would be great. Is there any spare set of pants? I think I wet myself.

>>40547052
Well, the girls haven't returned so I hope you like skinny jeans.

>>40546966
I ordered Krieger to shoot it. Krieger always follow orders. His problem now.

>>40546928
Anything new, Lieutenant?

>>40547113
*Pursuit continues*

>>40547111
You! Searzhant! You do not bring back corpse. Where is spy?

>>40546036
>>40545913
I'll get those data slates back! Whatever it takes!

Don't worry comrades! We will have our pinups and smut! She just wants me to follow her into the store room.

>>40547111
I think I'll stick to wet pants, thank you very much.

>>40547113
So, sir...what now? This probably means there's some Tyranids in this planet. And where there's Tyranids, there's their ships. I think we need to call the Navy.

>>40547145
Sir, melta guns don't really leave a lot of corpses.

On the flip side we ambushed some warrior forms with the hellguns!

>>40547156
>just wants me to follow her into the store room

If he come out alive, either I kill him myself or recommend for promotion.

>>40547141
>Tries to loose the krieger by hiding into an empty fuel tank

>>40547195
...Hmm...tracks...

*Proceeds to dig trench around empty fuel tank*

>>40547180
Navy en route, fool Searzhant. Remains to be seen if planet is kill or not.

What with all these unexpected tyranids, I think we should warn the other regiments.

>>40547186
Tyranid warriors? Or fool Tallarn warriors?

>>40546966
We're 3 klicks out, but will observe.

>>40547291
Weren't we sent here to fight nids?
>>40547302
Tyranid warriors I think their trying to find a hole in our lines but the quadrilaterals are throwing them off.

>>40547113
Forward observation reports the smell of confections! Can you confirm?

>>40547190
>>40547156
He hasn't come out in a while, and I heard some screaming...

I'm taking squad 4 into the store room to make sure everything is ok

>>40547352
>the quadrilaterals are throwing them off
>holds his head in hand
...
Wery good Searzhant. Bring corpses with you. I bring some back to regiment for feast.

>>40547370
I think I smelled some bacon earlier, but that's about it, spoiled bacon maybe?

>>40547388
>>40547190
>>40547156
I...I got our smut back. I was able to escape while squad 4 distracted her...I think I need a shower.

>>40547370
>Is nice to work with professional regiment right now
>Even if regiment is Sand Rats

Da! Confirming sweetness in air. What are you seeing, friend?

>>40547405
Will do sir, will do.

Lads get the barbeque pit ready, we're not having ration bars tonight!

>>40547444
>gets the porn back
>gets trips

Guardsman! Front and centre, this instant!

>>40547444
I want you to recite the Litany of Protection. Now. I don't want to waste a charge pack on you, guardsman. We still have a situation here.

>>40547459
Can I get my tyranid very well done?

>>40547444
You're a hero guardsman, you do your brothers proud.

/*sheds a single tear*/

>>40547482
*Trench finished*
*Charge empty fuel tank*
*For the Emperor*
*Ventilate fuel tank with mighty 8 gauge*
*It's empty*
*There are two Empty fuel tanks*

Uh-oh.

>>40547412
This is secure channel, who is this?
>>40547405
Emperor preserve us! They're rolling citizens in dough down there! Those aren't just captured workers! They've converted the manufactorum into some kind of sacrificial bakery!
Alexandr we potentially have the taint of chaos, please advise!

>>40547524
Why did you fire at the fuel tanks?! Great. Now we have a vehicle put out of the fight.
>>40547539
What?! You ain't fucking with us?!

>>40547482
Yes! Right away!

>>40547488
But seargant, I really. REALLY. need to bathe myself. I don't think its optional at this point. And the Vostroyan wants to say something to me.

>>40547512
It came at great sacrifice...I'm not sure squad 4 will make it.

>>40547539
I vox my regiment for reinforcements. You call for artillery strikes on manufactorum coordinates, da? Purge them with the Emperor's holy ordnance Lieutenant.

>>40547539
We're piling the explosives on the Hellgunners be there in 10 minutes.

>>40547539
I um PSSHHHTT interference PPCCHHT cant hear you PPCCCHHHT

>>40547524
>Crawls behind the lonely krieger, opening its mouth, showing the so feared ovipostor "tongue"

>>40547620
*xeno tries to force tongue through mask*

I feel dirty.