>>40756036
We don't know, sir! The local priest said it was clear, he promised!

>>40756036
Sir, how would we know about sorceries of the warp? Why learn about the warp when there's lonely techpriestess' aching a serving of pleasures of the flesh?

>>40756125
You dumbass, if you're going to fuck her, who's going to fix our vehicles?

>>40756138
W-we could always try fixin' stuff ourselves. I mean, how hard could it be? Smoke a bit of grass, chant some zeros, ones or twos, and then whack it with a wrench... At least, thats how I think they do it.

>>40756062
>>40756125
>>40756138
>>40756192

I believe you're all missing the point...I want a NAME, or else I'll put you ALL up on disciplinary charges!

>>40756206
I believe it may have been sergeant notheretic sir... I saw him sneaking around your bunk last night. Always shifty eyed that one, can never trust a man who likes with eyebrows like that. Not to mention that I heard him talking about something involving an eye?

Now if you'll excuse me sir, I think I have to get going or else I'll miss my prayer meeting.

>>40756272
Right, I'm going to sort this out.
You sorry bastards all better have your kits ready for inspection by the time I get back!
Or I'll take all Sororitas-realted holovids and donate them to the Munitorium!

>>40756206
I think the priest's name was Judas or something. He came from a church, down at the spire. You could ask the Arbites, sir.

>>40756138
Well, she seems to work much faster after the deed is done. So I'd call that a win for the Imperium.

>>40756339
Yeah, and you'll get executed for that. Look, I don't like you, Cogfucker. You're slimy, and you've got an unhealthy fetish for steel. But I'd hate to lose another rifleman, so shut up.

>>40756401
Techpriestess' need lube too!

/*cradling of masterwork lasgun intensifies*/

Friend Commissar, I see you are having some new "recruits." Tell me men, what did you do that you felt you must join Guard to repent to Emperor?

>>40757682
I was born on a backwater world where half the inhabitants were inbred.
My choice was to join the Guard, or marry my second cousin.

Around ten years later, I returned as a Commissar, and burned every settlement in the region.

There are countless perks to being a disciplinary officer, and I make the best of them.

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>>40757682
/III/ was involved in the Shadow of the Moses incident a few years ago. I'm sure such an esteemed captain such as yourself heard of it.

>>40756036
Commissar, you ordered me to, erm, how do I say this, to retrieve your second bottle of 12-year old aged amasec of the evening and to just "f-f-fucking store those drillbits private khul teest fellated in that stupid locker" until you could be bothered to inspect the evidence again, so "none of us fuckers would get any funny ideas".

>>40757881
Uh... I think I was deployed elsewhere.

>>40757933
Captain Alexandr, is it me or is it awfully quiet in here? Is everyone nurturing a hangover from last night?

>>40757682
Well sir I was born on an argi world, loading boxes upon boxes of wheat onto ships for the tithe until I was old enough to be drafted, and now I'm here on my first deployment.

>>40758133
What did you do wrong is what is asked, newbie.This is PENAL regiment /tg/. You don't get sent here for nothing.

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>>40757933
B-but how can you not have heard of Shadow of the Moses? The entirety of the Fox Sector was under my control! I had the sector's governor quaking in his boots!

If it wasn't for my brother blindly following his orders, I would have been able to wipe out the Tau that were encroaching on the sector with not but a few keystrokes! But no, said the governor, we don't want a war in such a precarious state.

Only a decade or so in this penal legion, and I'll be free to finish what I started.

>>40758240
When loading a ship I dropped a crate ruining the wheat. Arbites decided that it be fitting that I'd be part of the tithe to make up for what I lost. Not exactly interesting compared to other stories around the camps.

Im looking for the Commanding Officer, a fresh recruit. They said i was supposed to check in with him for . . . attendance or something along those lines.
Does this regiment really have such problems?

>>40758383
Oh man I'm sorry. You ended up here because you dropped the tithe? I'd laught if it wasn't so sad.

Here have a drink. It's not as good as the commissars amasec but it will still knock you out.
*hands over flask*

>>40758411
I'm Ruh, by the way.

>>40758411
*takes drink

The Emperor protects so there's no reason to worry, right?

>>40758492
So long as your not some sort of filthy xenos-sympathizer or heretic. So you should be fine.

>>40758492
>>40758529
Eh, I'd worry if I were you. You know how the guard is just meat for the grinder? Well it's even worse with us.

>>40757883
Do you truly think I would use such crass language, Ruh?!
Nice try, but I think I have my culprit.

>>40758360
You'll likely die in an assault loooong before then. I've seen people come and go from this regiment faster than a Sabbat prostitute.

>>40758409
Ah, hm, yes, very good. Go through that door there, and pick the flak armour that's closest to your size from the corpses.

>>40758611
Be speaking for yourself, friend Ruh.

>>40758653
Hey, that makes me wonder, actually, why are you here, captain?

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Don't forget, Guardsmen. Pray to the four aspects of the God-Emperor every day to ensure you have his blessing

Don't want to get executed now, do you?

>>40758636
*looks at his shoes*
Yes commissar, whatever you say. I'll never repeat what you say when drinking in extreme moderation as is your usual doing anymore.

>>40758745
What the-...who are you?!
Are you trying to give orders to MY regiment?!

>>40758773
Who are YOU?
This is MY regiment

>>40758773
>>40758787
*sits down, takes a sip from his flask*
This is the best day of my life.

>>40756036
Nyan nyan nyon mew !
>Adjusts Servo-Skull Translator
I mean Sergeant Nihaonyan Reporting for Duty Sir! Came here with the last supply drop.

>>40758787
Commissar Gaurun, overseeing the Penal Regiment Designation /tg/!
I have served the Guard for over twenty years!
I have a long and decorated history, and I have never ONCE seen you!

>>40758809
*gets a form out of his pocket and starts scanning over it*
I did not order catnip while I filled in these forms. So why is there an abhuman here?

>>40758842
Nor will you see me again
I appear to be in the wrong location
Carry on, fellow loyal Commissar

God-Emperor be with you and whatnot

>>40758809
You're disgusting.

>>40758848
Its a disgusting necessity, abhumans can be useful too. Besides, she's from a planet named after the most interesting man in the Imperium.

>>40758875
I'm from a backwater agriworld, I must confess having no idea who you're talking about, commissar.

>>40758848
>THe Servoskull Begins to speak, sighing softly
Apologies commissar, i am Magos Morte, the replacement for the missing Basilisk Engineseer. My body was destroyed in a hull breach, and my brothers transferred my cortex and logis implant here, until my body can recover from it's wounds. The felinid followed me, something about my left eye and a "red dot"

>>40758899
.....Did that servoskull just talk ?

>>40758787
He is very tall for commissar, no? Bulky, too.

>>40758714
I am Liaison Officer, fool Ruh.

>>40758896
Here, try this for some light reading...

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Carlos_McConnell

>>40758899
Whatever you do, don't let private Cogfucker come near you, okay?

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>>40758915
Now, now, he seemed like a fairly regular chap

>>40758842
You sure showed him, sir!

So, fellow Guardsmen, have we prayed to the 4 aspects of the God-Emperor today?
I certainly have.

>>40758949
Guardsman!
Is your entrenchment tool foldable?

>>40758961
N... Yes...

>>40758976
...May I see it?

>>40758918
*reading, eyes wide*
well have I ever. That certainly is the most interesting man in the entire universe.

>>40758924
That human is either the result of a union of parents with a crude sense of humor, or an affront to the Omnissah.

>>40758842
Lord Commissar Gaurun why are you and the other commissar fighting? Are you not both here to guide us with the Emperor's holy wisdom.

>>40758990
I... I lost it

>>40758848
I am your new quartermaster according to these files. Wait.....we are on Jorn IV Right ?

>>40759001
>>40759018
*puts hands over ears in expectation of blamming*

>>40759018
Losing trench tool is capital offence, friend.

>>40758990
Care to do the honours Commissar, or should I?

>>40758999
Not even trips can protect your integrity.

It's the kind of man that thinks "techpriestesses need lube too" is a good opening line. I don't know if he's serious or not, I'm not sure you want to find out.

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>>40759001
Shut up! Pick a corpse from the back and take their armour. You'll need it.

>>40759018
Is that so?...

>*BLAM*

>>40759112
I certainly hope that this is some fore of barbaric joke, otherwise i will have to alert my superiors.
Now then, enough with the chit-chat, i would like to meet my wards. Where are the regiment's vehicles stationed at ?

>>40759070
We are on hellhole primus if you want my opinion.

>>40759070
No, fool cat/tg/irl. Is Jorn VI. You are on wrong planet.

>>40759180
>g to these files. Wait.....we are on Jorn IV Right ?
>>>
> Guardsman Ruh 06/22/15(Mon)19:50:45 No.40759087 ▶
>>>40759001
>>>40759018
Damn, yet another Administatum messup. Oh well, since you have no quartermasters seem i'll have to do my part here if that's okay.

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>>40759122
Good decision, sir

Men like that are a liability in the field

Nothing like men who pray daily to the four aspects of the God-Emperor

>>40759122
*Salutes

Yes sir, Lord Commissar sir.

>>40758636
Perhaps, but when exactly are we moving out to engage the enemy? If such knowledge can be shared, then what are we waiting for?

>>40759152
Second barackment to the left, follow the smell of burnt oil.

>>40759215
Sir, aren't you rather large for a guardsman?

>>40759314
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?
Nooooooooo....
Don't be silly, Guardsman

>>40759314
Peasant, you ask a lot of questions for a man that's trying to stay alive?

>>40759326
>>40759215
Say what you like about the Alpha Legion, they're always so polite.

>>40759336
This is the first time I've been off my homeworld, sir. I have no knowledge of anything else in the rest of the Imperium and about my own world is the Emperor and when harvest season is.

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>>40756036
Peace be with you, guardsmen. Do any of you know the way to the Cathedral of the Holy Throne? I'm supposed to meet with my superiors there.

>>40759477
Just remember to pray to the four aspects of the God-Emperor daily and I gaurantee you'll have a splendid time on duty

Especially if you pray to the Aspect of Excess...ive Emperor-praising

>>40759381
Even Guardsmen deserve a little kindness

>>40759520
The "four aspects of the God-Emperor"? Why I dare say that's borderline Horusian ideology there! And Horusians are borderline heretics...

Where did you learn such radical ideology, guardsman?

>>40759603
An Ultramarine told me
They are amongst the most loyal Space Marines in the Imperium so doubting them is borderline heretical

I hope you're not doubting the words of a child of the Emperor, are you?

I hope not

Doubting an Ultramarine is heresy

>>40759652
An Ultramarine? Is that so? When did a Son of Guilliman have time to preach to you?

Alrite gardmen! Ready for anover day 'o serving da G-E 'o M?

>>40759729
Always.

>>40759713
Are you doubting the word of an Ultramarine?
A few scouts were nearby but a few days ago
Guardsman Alfaruss was with me at the time and, if he hadn't lost his shovel, he would be able to vouch for me

Just trust me, fellow loyalist

>>40759729
Indeed

>>40759652
That is, what a Dark Angel told me.

>>40759729

>gardmen

ZOG ME, YER GRAMMER IS ZOGGIN ATROCIOUS GUARDSMAN, STOP DAT MUKKIN ABOUT

SAME GOES FER THE REST OF YER

So commi-boss! wot enemees of da perum are we krumping today?

>>40759829
Ah yes, Dark Angels
The most loyal of the Space Marine legions

>>40758636
Uh, Commissar. I found one but theres a chest piece, but theres a giant hole in it. Are there more a, uh, more complete set?

>>40759796
Well, okay then.

>>40759832
Hello! Are you in charge here? I'm looking for the Cathedral of the Holy Throne, can you point me towards it?

>>40759832
Yes boss sorry boss I've ben lerning high-gofic but it bloody 'ard werk

>>40759872
Sorry about that sir, went a little delirious from my time with the corpses. Pulling off armor. Let me say that again. I found one, but it has a giant hole in the chest.
Is there a more complete set, sir?

>>40759882
I fink it's dat way *gestures* (ya bloody kleric I herd 'bout one tribe dat had one of dem bloody titans an a blue grot 'n all)

>>40759891
>went delirious from my time with the corpses
*eyebrow rise*
Hey guys, this dude is more depraved than I am!

>>40759935
I just didnt expect the, uh, smell. Dont you guys bury them?

>>40759882
This is Jorn VI. We are slowly reconquering the planets from cultists and have managed to defeat a chaos bakery and a monster made of confectionery. I think the Cathedral has been turned into here-candy shop.

>>40759930
Wait a second

I don't believe I've ever seen you around here before

You know what that means?

It means you and I should have a drink sometime

I do enjoy getting to know all the fine men under Commissar Gaurun's command

>>40759958
We had a bunch of morons that burried everyone in their flak armour last time.
Preventive measures.

>>40759988
But how else are you supposed to stop the rounds from our enemies? The Uplifting Primer says i need a good set to be effective in killing the enemies of man! Also says i should keep it with me at all times, which i have.

>>40759930
Thank you.

>>40759965
Erm, yes. It does appear as though the Blessed Cathedral has been turned into a nest of Confectionery Heresy of the most Delectable Nature.

I'm not sure where that leaves me, actually.

>>40760000
You're in a PENAL regiment! You're here to die! The sooner the faster so the Imperium won't have to pay your rations any longer.

>>40760002
Well Father, if I were you I'd pay close attention to those dudes having a theological debate about the 4 aspects of the emperor. Never heard that one before.

>>40760002
Halping us try ta reclaim it.
Oh er for da Emperer o' course

>>40759968
The ta see a propa' sized boy 'round 'ere

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Get your fucking hands off you asswipe MPs! Now gimme my Mr. Stabby and get lost!

Heh, so this is the penal legion huh? Ain't much to look at, and... *sniff* that guy over there stinks like an ork...

>>40760063
But all i did was masturbate with some barbed wire! It wasnt even that bad!

>>40760063
You've never seen him before? Is that so?
Hmmmmm...

>>40760083
I like you Sergeant. The Light of the Emperor's Righteous Fury truly shines in your eyes!

>>40760098
*THUMP* I IZ NOT AN OR...
Ooh dat is a nice choppa can I has it?

>>40760105
And my mistake was goat pussy but we agreed not to talk about it.

>>40760083
It's always splendid to meet a like-minded fellow in a regiment

Ah fought ah mayd it klear dat ah waz da wan infintracin dis rejment

>>40760159
Where did the commissar go, anyway?

>>40760187
I mentioned his 12-year old amasec just earlier and officially we're on permission, you do the math.

>>40760187
Important commi-boss staf no dowt

>>40760142
Ow. And hits like an ork, but a girly ork at that. And yeah, you can have Mr. Stabby stuck in your gullet if you ask again!

>>40760232
Oh, i hadnt seen you. Your pretty sneaky for such a big guy.
You have a weird skin color, what planet are you from?

>>40760239
Now, now, no need to be so rude towards an upstanding member of our regiment

He's simply filled with Imperial zeal and hasn't had a chance to unleash it upon heretics

Now no more talk about greenskins

This regiment is greenskin-free

>>40760272
Heh heh heh heh... you've never had to deal with a Catachan before, have you, pal?

>>40760308
I have.
OOOH LOOK AT ME AND MY KNIFE, FEAR ME BECAUSE I SURVIVED SOME PLANTS.
ARRR
ARRRRRR

>>40760308
Oh, I've had thorough dealings with your type before
Whether you realise it or not

>>40760320
I'd like to see you fight your way out of a thicket full of mantraps.

>>40760333
Whether I realize it or not huh? So where all have you served?

>>40760406
Don't talk zog 'bout sergent Alferius he's twice her weight and drive as 'ard

>>40760406
Oh, various places
Don't you have some giant centipedes to stomp?

>>40760439
So I can see... and there ain't many that are bigger and harder cunts than us. Cept Ogyrns and Space Marines. And he sure ain't any Ogryn...

>>40760476
Glad you reminded me, I need more ingredients for my special brew...

>>40760486
Say, you're right.
>>40760476
Where ARE you from Sgt. Arius?

>>40760529
You in command here, Padre? Something mighty off about them two.

>>40760529
I keep telling him that too.

>>40760559
No, I am not in charge of this... Fine unit. In fact, I've been looking for their Commissar.
(Though I share your concerns, guardsman. At least, for the tall one. The other one with the odd vernacular seems to be fine.)

>>40760529
Well... I'm from a loyal little planet by the Jericho Reach

>>40760559
You Catachans are always so paranoid

>>40760613
I'm as loyal as a Dark Angel, Father Hilarius

There is truly no need for suspicion

>>40760613
Listen ta da kleric Gary I iz trying ta break da accent of da planet I is from is all
More lik GAYry amirite?
(The zog is a gay anyway?)

>>40760638
The Jericho Reach, eh?
As loyal as a Dark Angel, eh?
We'll just have to see about that. Tell me, guardsman, how have you venerated the Emperor today?

>>40760613
If you say so, padre. Yeah, I'm never happy to see a Commissar, but he's needed here.
>>40760638
Ain't without reason...

>>40760777
Tell me, what did a catachan like yourself do to get sent to this regiment?

It turns out, I was in the right location earlier
I just arrived at the wrong time

I'm here to temporarily replace the commissar while he performs a secret duty in the name of the Emperor

>>40760719
I just ordered Arius to patrol the perimeter so, I'm sure he'll provide an answer upon his return

>>40760777
Fear not, loyal Catachan for a Commissar has arrived

>>40760613
Da commi-boss is over dere under the pile of human soperific liquid substances
Wot?
And Dis happens a lot were 'E just zogs out completely

>>40760823
Who are you? And why do look just like that Sergeant?
>>40760840
Ah, well, I suppose he won't be of much use to me like that...

>>40760895
I'm the Commissar

Gaurun had to run some errands so I'm here to keep you lot in check until he returns

Nice to meet you

>>40760809
Welp, I was in the sickbay after fighting some hormagaunts, and the Major came by to promote me to Lieutenant "for valor". I threw my bed pan at his head and told him I'd rather keep working for a living. They busted me to private and here I am.

>>40760914
Nice to meet you as well, Commissar. Can you tell me anything about this unit? I dare say I have never seen such an... Odd regiment.

>>40760914
*casts gimlet eye upon the "commissar", says nothing, takes drink*

>>40760980
Well, that does seem a very Catachan-y way to get sent to a penal regiment. You do your planet credit.

>>40760986
I only arrived earlier so I don't know much myself

It's a penal regiment so naturally, you get a lot of odd folk

Nothing to concern yourself though, I'm sure we're all as loyal as Lion El'Jonson himself

>>40761012
*Casts a cheerful look towards towards the Catachan*

>>40756917
>sees masterwork lasgun
OI! where'd ye get tha' piece of ironmongery, hey? I'm knowin it ain't standard issue, Private!

>>40761016
Tried and true, padre. Gotta say, you ain't as stuck up as a lot of preachers I seen

>>40761033
Yknow, I done some reading before - yeah yeah big surprise - and I actually had the questionable honor of fighting alongside some of them Dark Angels. Can't help but notice they act like they got something big to hide...

>>40761033
You and that Arius fellow seemed to focus quite a bit on the Dark Angels, why is that?

>>40761054
Er, um, I- I suppose I'm not. I've spent a lot of time around the common folk, preaching the Emperor's good word. We're all equal in His Holy Eyes, after all. Heh.

>>40761104
>>40761116
The Dark Angels are the most loyal of the Space Marine legions as well as being the first

They are true alphas

The beginning and the end

I have almost as much faith in the Dark Angels as I have in the God-Emperor himself

>>40761157
One should not put their full trust in the Asartes, Commissar. Even they can fall, as many have, from the formerly noble and pure Luna Wolves to the shifty, cowardly Alpha Legion.

Sorry for being late! I just had a run-in with a psyker. Anyone got knife? I need to dig these skull fragments out of my hand...

>>40761249
*Starts sweating*
Boy, am I glad that the noble Ultramarines killed the Alpha Legion primarch and ended the Legion for good
Never need to worry about Alpha Legion again

>>40761322
New commissar?... You look delicious...

>>40761322
What has you worried Lord Commissar? It is not as though the leader of the traitors is here among us.

>>40761253
Stick out your hand, I'll get em...
>>40761322
Psssshaha! Now you're sucking the Ultramarines cock? So when did them snotty golden boys knock off Alpharius?

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Oi, who fucks in charge around here?

*looks at transfer papers*

>>40761420
What? No. Of course not. He's dead

>>40761440
I'm in charge here
Welcome to the regiment, Sergeant Gordon

>>40761440
Welp, that Commissar over there supposedly is, but I ain't sure about him at all.

>>40761427
Thanks buddy. It's annoying how all those damn telepaths and diviners freak out when they get close to me.

>>40761459
Good old pleasure to meet you commissar sir.

I need be asking, just what in the fuck are we doing?

>>40761322
Yes, no need to worry about the Alpha Legion,nor any other such traitors, the Emperor Protects.
*Suspicious*
>>40761399
Eating Commissars is Heresy, guardsman. Leave your cannibalistic tendencies to those below your pay grade.

>>40761481
Thanks mate, ay you don't happen to have a loh stick do you?

>>40761499
My orders are simply to keep us trained, prepared and battle-ready

>>40761503
... I think I just lost my appetite anyways...

>>40761459
>I'm in charge here

Pardoning me, but in absence of friend Gaurun, I am in command here.

>>40761490
You a blunter huh? *pours 180 proof liquor on wounds*
>>40761529
Yeh pal, here ya go. Just getting ready for a fix myself. *lights up*

>>40761605
Oh, I see
C-Carry on then

>>40761548
Is dat all?
*starts laughing*
Give me 10 mins sir, i'll have them in shape real good.

>>40761605
If thats the case sir, am I to still whip this good for nothing sods into shape?

>>40761605
Oh, good. Tell me sir, do you know of any trappings of the Ecclesiarchy left on this rock?

>>40761615
*lights up*

Thanks mate.

>>40761490
It'z wriggles!
*Gives Gibbers a noogie*
Glad ta see yav recovered from dat Ork tribe a while ago

>>40761615
Nah. They just look at me, take their knives and try to shank me. So I kill 'em and unless they are bony like they usually are, I get a snack.

Well while i wait for high brass to sort it fuckin shit out, Gary, Gibbers. Want to play around of poker?
*whipers* If ye want we can bet rations between games....

>>40761700
Thanks sarge! Those Orks had nice and sharp teeth, though... Can't be as bad as people say they are. Might have been a nice experience to chat with one.

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*Walks stiffly from the barracks, takes position in formation worlessly*

>>40761811
Hello? Can we help you?

>>40761798
... Well, I can play! But if I win, I want some of your water rations.

>>40761733
That's a win all round. Killing witches is its own reward. Ever try eating ork? Tough, but manageable.

>>40761811
*nudges Gary* *Whispers* A fuckin kriegs man...Havent run into one of them fuckers in a while....Every last one of them be a fuckin cazy. Seen what they did to a hive world....bombed civilians in the homes because it was deemed a necessary loss... I have no sympathy for there kind.

>>40761842
Reporting for duty, Father. I have been sent to atone for sins against the Emperor.

>>40761798
Yeah I could stand for a game. And sure, don't care much for this kind of ration I got here anyhow.

>>40761845
looks like where going to have to push the game back....Kreigsman are bad luck every last fuckin one of them.

>>40761851
I tried, but then it punched me. Tried to take me away muttering something about "weirdest humie 'e's eva seen"

>>40761865
Well, frankly we don't give much of a shit either. But you're right, them fuckers are some cold fish.

>>40761851
*Sideways glance*
Alrite I'll play with yah not as if dere iz anyfink else ta do

I'll be back going to go find out where our high brass went....

>>40761870
What? What could you have possibly done to get sent to a penal regiment?

>>40761906
Fine by me. I'm just waiting for them Sororitas docs to come around. Wouldn't mind letting them examine my prostate...
>>40761912
Ah, ya can't let that deter ya. Say, ya might try biting that funny talking cunt over there...

*walks into on base office*
Ay, Can we get our commanders back, we pretty fuckin useless over here with just 2 sergeants and and some guardsmens. What happened to our Cap!

>>40761960
I am afraid that I lost my will to fight under fire, Father. I volunteered myself to my commanding officer's mercy afterwards, and was henceforth sent here to further serve The Emperor.

I ain't biting sarge, he's so nice. But... Did I hear you say something about sororitas?

>>40762061
Lost your will to fight? How? Doesn't the sight of the Enemies of the Emperor fill you with the Holy Rage of the Emperor?

>>40762071
Forgot to put that I was answering to >>40761971

>>40762071
If ya say so...

Well I heard tell before being sent here that Sororitas might be around, probably to try and whip us into shape for the Emprah and all. Not like it'd do anything to me, women have kicked me in the balls so many times it's foreplay.

>>40762121
Padre he probably was just the last one off the Chimera and didn't get to kill anything.

>>40762137
Darn. Hope they don't bring any psykers... Psykers I can kill, but sororitas accompanying 'em? But they look so damn tasty...

Surprised no ones made a quest thread for penal guard reg yet.

>>40762121
Of course, Father. I am not certain myself why it happened, but upon seeing my regiment slain by the fire of Traitor Marines, I found myself unwilling to fight farther, and simply remained with them for the duration of the battle.

>>40762220
Yeh... and not just in the way you're thinking. It'd be good to fuck a woman and not have it feel like fist fighting a lictor.

>>40762266
I see. Well, try to find solace in this opportunity to Smite the God-Emperor's foes. Now, I must be off. I am going to seek a shrine at which I may pray.

>>40762385
Thank you, Father. Emperor bless. *Returns eyes forward, stands stock still at attention.*

Damn.... Not the buzzing again.... I'm almost out of water already... *pours water into his ears*

>>40762326
I've decided. Have you seen any good place to hide around here? Like, empty container or something? I ain't gonna be here for another lecture or... Purge. *shivers*

>>40762794
Might try the motor pool. Chimera in there doesn't get any attention, if the dust on the tarp it's under says anything

>>40762917
Thanks. I'll see if I can sneak in. Keep this a secret, okay? I'll repay you when I can.

>>40762999
Sure, not like I care. Though you might also find a better place I don't know about. That way I wouldn't be lying to any Sororitas, if that's who you're scared of

Okay so I drag the commissar to his bed once more and things have gone down the drain in the few moments I was away. I swear I am starting to get why the commissar drinks this much.

>>40762523
Gibbers, for Emperor's sake, here *throws a flask of water*
Keep your ears drenched at all times. I don't want another incident in the baracks where you start chewing on fingers in the middle of the night because you want a snack.

>>40762326
Catachan, I saw a sororitas ship land, so maybe watch your language. Unless you feel like throwing another bedpan, which I would honestly find funny.

>>40761956
Sarge Gordon, the commissar is in his bed having a tactical rest. No, Gibbers, he's not tasty, merely marinated so you stay here.

>>40763359
True... Now I know! Runs off towards weapon storage*

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ALRIGHT PENAL REGIMENT! SINNERS!

You have been given the opportunity to attone for your sins and die for the Emperor! Embrace his holy light and glory!!
Rejoice, for the Adepta Sororitas in the form of myself and my contingent of soras offers you a chance at redemption. I am taking care of the operations here.
GET IN THE THE CHIMERAS! GRAB YOUR FLASHLIGHTS. ONWARDS WE MARCH TO THE DESACRATED CHURCH!
WE shall PURGE this UNHOLY CANDY shop of heretical sweetness to restore the GLORIOUS MERCY of the Emperor!

ONWARDS PENAL REGIMENT /TG/!

>>40763461
Ah, good... now depending on which of the orders it is, maybe I can get my dick wet later. But being whipped wouldn't feel so bad either.

>>40763564
You're my kind of woman, sister. Let's go kill some heretical shits, yeah?

>>40763461
Well I'll be honest I've learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut when you got nothing good to say so I don't talk much.

>>40763564
Praise the Emperor! The Ecclesiarchy!

....
Sweet Sanguinius, not the Sisters of Battle...

>>40763637
*cracks crooked grin*
S'matter, padre?

>>40763603
The blood of the sinners shall flow like the disgusting melasse from which they brew their heretical lollipops.

>>40763608
You seem new in this regiment private. Trust me, this only means you haven't forgone too many chances to die for the Emperor.

>>40763637
Father! JOIN US. SPREAD HIS HOLY WORD and purge with us those that have fallen to tooth rot, caries and the taint of herecandy.

>>40763701
Forgone too many chances to die for the Emperor, huh? Would explain why I'm the longest standing one here, aside from the Commissar.

...
Someone needs to take care of this regiment, and its paperwork.

>>40761638
Yes, I shall... friend.

>>40761654
Carry on Serzheant.

>>40761661
My regiment set up small chapel in destroyed building Father, but we are of Orthodox Imperial. You are Terran Catholic, yes?

>>40763678
You don't understand, private, I worked at an abbey for a while a few years back, and... It didn't end well.

>>40763701
Fine, I'm coming. Where are the chimeras? I'll be riding with the Guardsmen, I presume?

>>40763775
Yes, but I have found that I don't always adhere strictly to either of those denominations. I identify mostly as a Thorian.

>>40763775
Speak for yourself, Cap, I'm Terran Catholic. Orthodox is fine by me though.
>>40763778
Oh yeah? They slap you on the wrists too often?

>>40763564
Hello Sister! Vostroyan Liaison Officer at your service! I am of commanding these fools while friend Commissar is... reviewing mission reports.

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>>40763761
You are an old man and a fool, guardsman. Now GRAB YOUR ARMOUR, YOUR WEAPONS AND FOLLOW.
You, with the water in your ears! Take that first Chimera.
You, Catachan take the other one, and take father Hilarius with you.
My contingent shall take a third one.

>>40763778
Father, for the love of the Emperor, some of our sisters are not all of us sisters.

OONWAAAARRDS! RETAKE THE CHURCH!

>>40763829
My Vostroyan regiment, pizda!

>>40763829
>slap you on the wrists
... And elsewhere ...
*stares into the distance reliving the painful memories*

>>40763835
Aw, can't I go with you, sis? Ah, whatever. Cmon padre, mount up

>>40763835
What, who? I'm just a box of lasgun clips, no-one has been here for a while.

>>40763873
One second, I need to calibrate my rosarius, and find my melta...

>>40763834
I have heard your commissar. How is he? He actually called for reinforcement after prank-calling our astropath a few times and finally slurred if they "could please send in hot b-b-bitches with white hair". Though he did seem intoxicated, we figured he had maybe fallen to the temptations of Slaanesh and had been pushed to alcoholic excess and this was the last attempt of a man struggling! A COMMISSAR WILL ALWAYS STAND. THEY GO FIRST, and COME LAST. THEIR BOLTERS SHOOT FOR THE EMPEROR!

>>40763860
A thousand pardons cap!
*under breath* Sukyn syn...

>>40763872
Ahahaha that woulda been the life! But I guess celibacy and all keeps you off it...

>>40763835
Yes ma'am. Just tell me who to shoot.

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>>40763872
Was that a request father? Do you wish us to administer repentence on you?

>>40763903
Got em here, padre. Let's get going!

>>40763934
SWEET EMPEROR NO!
>>40763946
Gary! Wait up! I'm coming! START THE CHIMERA!

>>40763926
Heretics, private, heretics!

>>40763908
Oh he is being fine, if a little... stressed trying to organise penal regiment. You understand, Sister. These men are not, how you say, regular infantry.

He ask me to assume command while he took some rest.

Oh! Before I am forgetting... Keep eye out for wery large man in Commissar hat. He, how you say, strokes me wrong way?

>>40763983
I have been given to understand that he has the difficult task to motivate these unruly troops to die for the Emperor. Maybe if he is so tired I should visit him, once we have finished our battle objectives, and hear his confession.

>>40763964
Stupid machine spirit bitch...
*kicks panel, engine starts*
>>40763983
Same here, something really stinks bout that guy

>>40764010
That poor, poor Commissar.

>>40764010
That may be helpful, Sister. Also, I heard him mentioning something about Sororitas prostate exams? You know anything of this?

>>40763981
ye... yes ma'am.
>>40764013
*whispers to gary
Um... so what does a heretic look like? I'd ask her but I'm afraid she'll shoot me.

File: Imperial_Cathedral.jpg (551 KB, 1920x1200)

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THIS IS WORSE THAN ALL I HAVE EVER SEEN!

The walls of the church are covered in rainbow strips!
There are gigantic marshmallows pinned on the rooftops
The glass windows have been replaced by hard sugar candy!
THE ENTIRE CHURCH IS OVERFLOWING IN CAKE BATTER.

MELTA'S! TURN ON YOUR TEMPERATURE TO 180°C AND BAKE THIS BATTER! We shall solidify it and trap the cultists ALIVE within it! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA

>>40764072
It is prostrate exams! Where we prostrate each other in front of the emperor and bask in each others devotion.

>>40764085
This is better than most plans Sororitas come up with, at least.

>>40764080
Oh trust me, kid, you'll know em when you see em...
>>40764085
Emperor-damn! Glad I brought my flamer, and explosive buckshot

>>40764126
Awww...

>>40764131
Please leave some heretics raw. That is how I like my meat.

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CAREFUL!
The cultists are throwing huge round confections at us, that soar and float towards you and could decapitate you in a sweet instant death if they catch you in the neck.

>>40764179
It's not what you think...
It's worse...
Soooo much worse...

>>40764126
Eh yes... haha. It was wery confusing to me, you being such wonderful examples of the female half of humanity. Prostate would make no sense.

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NOOOOOO
THIS PINK CAKEY ENTITY OF SLAANESH IS APPEARING FROM WITHIN THE CHURCH!

QUICK!
MELTA'S, KEEP COOKING THE BATTER
CHIMERAS! TAKE THIS PINK CAKE BITCH DOWN!

FOR THE EMPEROOOOR

>>40764207
Ensure that yourself, dickhead!
>>40764208
*giant oreo cracks into his neck and breaks*
You were saying, sis?
>>40764212
Do tell, padre, do tell...
>>40764270
Outta the way!
*blasts flamer at it*

>>40764270
The multilasers are just tickling it! What do we do?

>>40764333
Got any of them phosphor grenades?!

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>>40764270
OH NO IT IS COMING CLOSER!

SISTEEERRRRSSS! UNLEASH THE EMPEROR'S FURY!

EMPEROR'S MOUSTACHE! WHAT IS THIS THING?!

>>40764358
YES! DO IT!

captcha knows what is going on when it asks for cake

>>40764270
Daemon? They have such nice and sharp teeth... *Lifts the top of his box with his tentacle arm*

>>40764358
I do have a meltabomb...
Cover me, Gary!
FOR THE EMPEROR!

>>40764358
Think this will help?
*pulls melta bomb out of the chimera

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>>40764373
>>40764391
I WILL PERSONALLY PUNISH EACH MAN THAT IS NOT SHOOTING AT THAT THING

>>40764396
>>40764397
YEEEES!
FOR THE EMPEROOOOORRR! CHAAAARGE!

>>40764362
*flamer empties*
Fuck! Well I've faced worse!
>>40764390
>>40764396
>>40764397
THROW EM NOW! RAAAAAA!! FOR THE EMPRAAH!!

*covers Catachan Fang in burning promethium, charges*

>>40764432
That almost sounded like an explosive climax.
Hey, Peasant. Explosive. Get it?

Anyhow. Let's ruin this cake.
*proceeds to slingshot bags of salt into the cakey monster*

>>40764432
FOR THE EMPEROR!
*Climbs back of monster and bury the bomb in it's head*

>>40764432
For Terra!
*Throws the bomb into the daemon's mouth as it tries to grab him*

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>>40764468
THE SALT IS DISTRACTING IT! IT DOES NOT LIKE THE TASTE

QUICK, USE ITS CONFUSION TO PLANT MORE BOMBS AND BRING IT TO CAKEY OVERLOAD!

>>40764409
I'm not allowed to have a weapon. Something about monsters not needing any.

>>40764515
EAT THIS YOU UGLY SHIT!!
*flings brace of primed phosphor grenades at its head*
>>40764526
Yknow, I really hoped you were just crazy.

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>>40764526
Then I shall visit you later and administer punishment. YOU HAVE FISTS GUARDSMAN! AND TEETH. You have that cake NOW EAT IT TOO!

QUICK PENAL REGIMENT /TG/! IT SEEMS TO BE OVERLOADING! DENOTE IT BEFORE IT DETONATES US!

>>40764515
*melta clicks as it's out of fuel*
*monster gets past the rosarius and grabs his leg*
Holy Thone, it's got my leg! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT SHOOT IT SHOOTITSHOOTITSHOOTIT!
*waves power sword around uselessly*

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>>40764618
THIS IS THE DAY YOU DIE FOR THE EMPEROR! BE BLESSED!

The monster has Father Hilarius! /TG/! WHAT DO WE SAY! CAKE OR DEATH? DEATH! DEATH TO THE CAKE!

>>40764618
*hops out of the box and runs to help* grab my tentacle!

>>40764659
I'm out of explosives! Lasgun is all I got left, and it doesn't seem to do anything.

>>40764607
>>40764618
*slices off grasping appendage, vaults at its head, swinging blazing knife*
RAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!!!!

>>40764703
*falls unceremoniously to the ground*

>>40764676
*looks at the monstrosity before him*

Should I just kill myself? Probably.

(I feel like I missed a lot while I went to the bank.)

>>40764659

>shoves bags of salt into a chimera cannon
>adds a bag of pepper
>aims chimera carefully at cakey pink slaaneshi monster
>boom
>mixture of pepper and salt rain over monster and mix in the half-cooked batter flowing out of the church

>>40764749
We're fighting a cake monster! Toss me a laspistol or something!

>>40764796
*Hands priest sidearm*
You can try all you want but lasguns don't look like they do a thing on this beast.

>>40764796
*Wordlessly holds out a grenade launcher* Take this, father. I need only my faith in the Emperor.

>>40764824
*struggling against monsters grasp*
Nice of you to join us, Kriegsman! Now help me fucking kill this thing!

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>>40764824
A MAN TO MY LIKING! I shall send a sister to hear your confession personally if you survive this!

>>40764783
Guardsman, I have no idea who taught you these tactics but THE MONSTER IS DISTRAUGHT! YOU HAVE RUINED TO BATTER OF ALL THE CULTISTS! All their efforts for sweet excess spoiled by salty, peppery deception!

>>40764824
Thank you, guardsman. Smite His Foes for the Glory of the Imperium!

>>40764821
Here...
*overloads the laspack and throws it as a makeshift grenade*
Don't tell the Cogboys I did that.

*Opens fire with krak grenades*

>>40764930
I'll... Just take my leave then, priest. *goes back to his box*

*Calmly begins pulling frag grenades off belt and flinging them at the cake monster with mechanical precision*

>>40764930
As you say priest.
*Throws overloaded laspacks at the beast*

>>40764995
*jumps clear of incoming grenades*

THRONE-DAMN! Is this thing ever gonna die?! It's tougher than a giant spiderbug!

>>40765063
It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for yourself.
*Moar grenades*

>>40764994
Hey, don't give me that! You have TENTACLES. TENTACLES! What the fuck, man?
*continues to bombard the cake daemon*

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>>40764930
>>40764995
>>40765013
>>40765013
>>40765063
>>40765078

YES! IT SEEMS TO BE OVERLOADING! WE ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!

>>40765113
*whispers* Sister Andrea, that man has tentacles. Secure the box he hides in for the canonness. It will be her dies natalis present. You know, for her... research.

>>40765113
I went to an airlock during warp travel, as I wanted to see what's outside. It was pretty, I tell you.

>>40765078
Yeah well it does the Emprah no good to die when you have more ass to kick in His Name!
*flings more phosphors*
>>40765168
You're an idiot, gibbers!

>>40765127
*Runs out of frag grenades*
*Calmly pulls out trench knife and charges*

>>40765168
I- You- Where in the Emperor's name is that Commissar?
*slices off a tendril that tried to breach the rosarius' power field*

>>40765168
He also survived Mara or something where they had to eat each other to survive, so yeah. Why he hasn't been purged himself, we will never know.

>>40765201
ADMIRE THIS MAN! DIE, BRAVE SOLDIER! FOR THE EMPEROR!

>>40765127
I'm out of ammo. Is no one using the fucking heavy flamer on the Chimera? If not I'm getting that going.

>>40765238
*Closes to assault range and begins stabbing with trench knife*

>>40765213
Don't worry about that commissar Gaurun, I will personnally make sure he is thoroughly seen to.

Quartermaster 113851920 is back on duty. What is going on?

>>40765248
Holy Emprah fuck! I forgot about that thing! Fire it up, Peasant!

*loads explosive shells into shotgun, tries to avoid hitting the Kriegsman*

>>40765280
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?!

>>40765291
Serious why was no one using it before? Oh well doesn't really matter at this point.
*Starts heavy flamer*
BURN IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR FOUL BEAST!

>Suddenly, a loud detonation can be heard as the grenadier sets off one of the charges by slamming his knife to the hilt in it
>explosion is huge, splashes everyone in bits of cake and grenadier Sahar
>setting other charges in motion
>explosions course up all over the cakey pink monster
>the sora put their flamethrowers to maximum capacity
>burnt cake smell all over

>>40765326
BURN IT UNTIL NOTHING IS LEFT BUT ASH!

>>40765326
Ahhhhh... little victories...

>>40765326
No! Not Sahar!
*tosses grenade launcher aside and falls to his knees*
NOOOOOOOOO!!!

>>40765326
*Grenadier Sahar has died for the Emperor, a fate they are content in.*

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>>40765291
>>40765324
>combined sora flamethrower burn
>pvt. peasant burns monster with the heavy flamer
>cake carbonizes to a black crust
>a long, horrible cry can be heard as the materium tears up around the cakey monster

>>40765313
Again chaotic bakery products? By the Emperor we shall send this foolish food back in the Warp! *draws power sword*

>>40765226 *Does something resembling a song that has almost no rhymes* "And in that icy rock, in the tunnels of terror, they saw what was to come, they felt overcome, as darkness ate the gods... They felt darkness eat their minds, as their skin started to pale... In the end most fell, for the they all had walked through time..."

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>a long wail of caaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkeeeeeee can be heard as the beast falls back into the demonic realm it came from

WE HAVE DONE IT! THE CAKEY AVATAR OF SWEET EXCESS IS DEAD!

GUARDSMEN! A LAST ROUND OF FLAMES OVER THE DISGUSTING CONFECTIONERIES DESACRATING THE CHURCH and we can call this a flawless victory!

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(Best death 2015)

>>40765357
God Emperor I have an dejaveu.

>>40765424
I think I can sacrifice this...
*pours out canteen of liquor on battery remains and sets it alight*

Well. I am glad that thing is dead. Well done, friend penal regiment and well done friend Father. And well done friend Sisters, haha.

>strokes his glorious Vostroyan moustache

>>40765461
*shouting through chimera's hatch*
Out of the way I'm leaving nothing left. I ain't leaving jack shit to chance with an unholy abomination of this like.

>>40765434
(10/10 would die for Emperor again. Top ded.)

>>40765495
Don't waste the Promethium Private!

>>40765434
You won't be forgotten, Sahar!
(10/10 Martyrdom. Would be a Hero of the Imperium again. -IGN)

>>40765467
Yes, have all the cultists been purged?

>>40765434
(Glorious indeed)
>>40765495
Trust me, this stuff will burn it just fine.

>>40765533
Very well. I shall cease but ONLY for the sake of the Emperor's holy promethium.

>>40765495
Don't waste the Promethium!

>starts praying
Mors in nomine imperatore sublimissimis est
Honoris et justa causa, imperator gracia
In luce sante nunc habitat
Imperator mei, tibi laudo

my latin is fucking rusty

>>40765565
Vox connection is weak. Interferences lead to a doublepost

>>40765583
Imperator Vult, sister...

>>40765583
libera tutemet....ex placentam inferis.

>>40765583
Imperator victoriam dedit
Gratias tibi ago
Semper omnes gratias tibi ago
Ave Imperator

*Giggles maniacally in his box* and the scratching at the walls shall end, for all shall be returned...

In nomine imperatoris

AVE IMPERATOR!
Alright troops, time to get back to base. I still need to visit your commissar.

and the thread hit bump limit anyhow
>>40765715
noice latin.

(Is there gonna be more of these threads? if so I need to roll a new Guardsman)

>>40765794
*cocks ear to box*
Hey Padre, Sister? What are we gonna do about this guy? Said I'd help him earlier, now I'm not sure it's a good idea...

>>40765836
yeah and when will they be?

>>40765836
depends on commissar Gaurun and maybe me, but yeah, I think we're not planning on stopping. Also I am archiving this

>>40765836
Well that is the fourth I have seen so far. So I think there will be another.

>>40765817
Hopefully the Commissar shall return soon.
>>40765836
(There is normally a thread like this every day or two)

>>40765867
*loads a new clip into the meltagun and cautiously knocks on the box*
Hey, you all right in there, buddy?

>>40765836
(I sure hope there will be more! I love this campaign!)

>>40765886
>>40765902
I shall keep an eye out.

>>40765902
Who was the dude again who crashed chimera in the Marshmalow Deamon?

>>40765915
(Same here man. If you don't survive in the next few minutes, sorry in advance...)

>>40765908
Thats normal for him. To be fair today is one of his better days.

>>40765886
Sister, would you know a Palatine Sister Katherine? I have Spess Mehreen friend and he keep asking around to find her after some big party. Something about holovids.

>>40765971
He has TENTACLES, Quartermaster. It's an affront to the human form.

>>40765940
I didn't crash it. I just started using the flamer when we all realized important Imperial assets were lying unused.