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>>46511470

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>>46511470

>>46511470
Why did the barbarian sleep all winter?
He didn't want to go bearserk.

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>>46511470

What do you call one thousand Kender corpses at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start

>>46511470
>favorite fantasy joke
The bard.

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>>46511470

>>46511470
Necromancer? You mean he fucks dead people?

>>46516724
Icy dead people.

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>>46511470

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Hey, I got a good joke for you!

Elf's rights.

>>46511796
A man who puns would also steal.

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>>46511470

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How many jokes at a humans expense does it take to piss them all off?

just one.

What's more frail than an elf's spine?

a humans ego

How do you offend a human?

Quite easily.

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>>46516875
nice

>>46516875
What's more limp than a hunchback?

An elf's dick

>>46516724
No, he smooches necks. Can't you read?

>>46516875
Why can't you trust elves?
They always carry two knives.

>>46511470
So you've got three guys in a bar, all ordering a mug of ale. An elf, a human, and a dwarf. A fly lands in each guy's drink. The elf pushes the mug away and orders a new one, the human picks the fly out and keeps drinking, and the dwarf grabs the fly by its wings and shakes it about, screaming "give it back ya bastard!"

Why do orc eyes swell during sex
It's the mace

>>46516929
What's thinner than an elf's bowstring?
a humans cock

>>46517068
How do you tell apart male and female elves?
You don't.

>>46517111
>not "you wait and watch their belly"

Want to hear the biggest joke in the realm?

The Gods care about their followers.

>>46517046
A human and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf with them asks, "Why can't you stupid tallfolk learn to duck?"

A human, an elf, and a dwarf are walking down a trail beside a stream, and they stop to take a piss.

After, the human takes out some soap and begins washing his hands. "We humans have learned how to be clean and hygienic," he says to the others.

The elf begins picking some leaves off the trees and wipes his hands with them. "We elves do as tradition has taught us and use what nature has provided."

The dwarf, meanwhile, has pulled up his trousers and is already on his way down the trail. "And our ancestors," he calls back, "taught us dwarves not to piss on our hands!"

Female knights

What's the difference between a Fighter and my dick?

My dick has killed people.

Bard: "I'm cold."
Mage: "Write a poem about it."

A dwarf a human and a female elf and a male elf are traveling in a mountain road with lots of tunnels.

When the pass the first there is an slap sound and the male elf has the mark of a hand in his cheek. "wow this must be, that he female elf have slaped her companion for touch her butt" thinks the human.

When they pass the second the same scene repeats again and the elf have his to cheeks red. "wow i didnt now that my companion was gay i wish he would touch me instead of trying his luck with the human" thinks the female elf.

Whe they pass the third tunner There is a louder sound and our poor elf has a broken nose and is about to faint. "i can wait to punch this cocksucker again in the next tunnel" thinks the dwarf.

>>46517772
Your joke was ruined by the presentation. Learn English.

>>46517772
I know the exact some joke with a dwarf, an ork, a young human girl and an older human woman.

>>46517793
You dont know how hard is to think the words in my language and them do the translation in english.

I would beat you if we were speaking khazalid.

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The emperor

>>46517772
Would've been funnier if the punchline was the dwarf thinking "If this asshole slaps me again i'm going to murder him"

A body is floating in the river. The city guard fishes the body out of the river and realizes that it's a dwarf, several stones strapped with ropes on him and a flag stuck in his back.
"Damn dwarfs", says one of the city guards, "always take more than they can carry."

>>46517834
>he speaks chrysalid

What has an IQ of 12
13 dwarves.

>>46512209
Elf*

>>46517119
<3

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>>46517772

What do you call a spike in elven pregnancies?

Human neighbours.

So, this is now an elves vs dwarfs thread with two different fanbases throwing unfunny shit at each other to insult them?

Good job /tg/.

>>46518075
t. elf

don´t trust elves with swords
thrust elves with swords

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Three adventurers, a Human, a Dwarf and an Elf, when one of them discovers a jar. He opens it pops a very grateful fairy who grants them a wish each.

The Human goes first. "I love my kingdom and want to help the world. I wish it could produce enough grain to feed everyone."

"A good and noble wish," says the fairy as he grants it.

The Elf is next, "I too love my land but we have been invaded too often. I want to protect my people. Build a wall around them."

The fairy says, "Good wish," and grants it.

Finally, the dwarf. "Tell me a bit more about this wall around the elves."

"It's thirty feet high and fifteen feet thick," says the fairy. "It is continuous without a single gap."

"Great," says the dwarf. "Fill it with water."

>>46511470
What do you call a straight elf?
A miracelf.

What do you call a drow who's as wet as the red desert?
A dryder

Twelve homosexuals walk over a rickety bridge: one falls off and dies. What are the remaining people called?
Elves

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>>46518175
do you like . wan wanna grab coffee sometime?
i got all the n-new bestiarrys n shit.
w w we could paints some miniatures this weekend? you game?

I don't get it.

>>46517888
>>46518156
kekked

What do you say to an elf with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

What's the difference between an elf and a pile of shit?

One can't wait to get in your ass and one can't wait to get out.

What do you call a flying elf?

Hanged.

>>46518175
You uh... like, umm... anime?

>>46518175
Ay bby

>nailed it

How does an elf shave his beard?

With his sharpened ears.

>>46517560
I don't get it.

>>46511470
What do you call a joke with no punchline?

:^)

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>>46520420

>>46520420
you must be a dwarf

>>46520036
>an elf with a beard
Nice joke.

Why are elves bad at spying?
Because they don't need no rouge.

What do you call a dwarf blacksmith?

A wifebeater.

>>46511470
A wizard walks into a gay bar, and disappears with a poof.

>>46511470
Dungeons & Dragons

The King had finally allowed Dwarves in his city to travel back to their homelands, after a long and uncertain War. Thorsson, a cleric, hopped on a Caravan to go back to his homecountry, as his people needed him there. With him, he carried a bust of the King.

The city guards saw this, and questioned him. "Why would a Dwarf have a bust of a human king?"

"Why would I have a bust of the King? Why wouldn't I? He provided the Dwarves with good beer, good food, a safe place to dig, and kept us safe from the filthy Orcs! When I go to the homelands, I will keep it on a pillar to remind me of the great times I had here."

They laughed, and let him pass through. It was an uneventful journey, and soon they reached the border of the Dwarvish heartlands, the guards stopping to inspect the caravan.

"Why would a dwarf have the bust of a human king?", they asked.

"Why?" Said Thorsson. "Because that idiot provided us with shitty beer, rotten meat, muddy and weak tunnels, and kept us from showing the Orcs what for! When I get home, I'll leave it in my outhouse to remind me of the shitty time I had."

The guards laughed, and passed him through.

When he was finally at home, he was resting with a pint of ale, when his nephew came up to him, pointing at the bust.

"Uncle Thorsson! Why do you have a bust of the human king?"

"Because, child." He scratched off the clay exterior to reveal glimmering yellow, grinning. "It's twenty pounds of solid gold."

>>46518175
Do you like cloth?

>>46521697
kek

>>46517560
Ahahaha

An Elf is in the care of a den of healers, but he soon asks to be released early.

"But why?" Asks the healer. "Is the food bad?"

"I can't complain."

"Are they treating you well?"

"I can't complain."

"Have they been managing your pain well?"

"I can't complain."

"Is your bed comfy?"

"I can't complain."

"So why do you wish to be released early?"

"I can't complain!"

Men announce the name of their fathers and their hometown.
Elves announce the name of their fathers and their father's noble heritage.
Dwarves announce the name of their fathers, and their father's clan.
Orcs... Announce the name of their mothers.

>>46523733
Congratulations, the first time I really laughed.

>>46518156
Many keks were had.

The Knight approaches his Lord with a handful of loot:

"Look, my Lord, I have successfully raided your enemies in the West!"

The Lord says: "But Knight, I have no enemies in the West."

The Knight scratches his head: "Well, now you do, my Lord."

>>46524554
Nice one.

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>>46524554
>>46521697
I could actually see these in a traditional fantasy setting. They are great.

How do you call a Goblin without arms? Trustworthy.

>>46527093
HAHHAHAHAHA

What do you call a male Elf? futanari

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>>46527093
Thread winner right fucking here.

Right, so, this knight and his squire are going to a huge tournament the next kingdom over.

People from all around the known world are attending so, needless to say, they don't want to miss out.

Unfortunately, due to poor planning, a few days before they're set to arrive, they end up caught between towns on a stormy knight, with little choice but to keep riding onward.

As they pass through a forest, the two of them lose track of each other, going off along different paths; the knight, unfortunately, doesn't notice this until morning.

He waits a few hours for his squire to show up, but to no avail, and eventually has to proceed without him, hoping he'll show up. He never does, and the knight is at a significant disadvantage in the tournament without his companion there to aid him in preparations.

On the way back, the knight decides to round up a search party; it's been a few days, and though he knows the squire will have kept himself alive, the knight is worried that he still might be lost.

(1/2)

(2/2)

Turns out he doesn't even have to enter the forest, for it doesn't take long before the villagers inform him that the squire is rooming with a well-known local hunter, infamous for having exceptional precision with a bow but being very clumsy and reckless otherwise.

Anyway, the knight visits the two, and they quickly give two different explanations of what went down: As the squire would tell it, the hunter -- mistaking his horse for a stag -- killed it, leaving the squire without a hope of catching up to his boss. The hunter admits that he killed the horse, but says it was in fact an accident; he happened to be skinning one of his kills while walking when he tripped, accidentally flinging his knife right into the horse's neck.

The knight, however, explains that he doesn't particularly care what happened; the tournament is over, and while he's glad to be reunited with the squire *now*, it won't undo the handicap he dealt with *then*

Because

He says

"For oaf or error, my page could not be found!"

>>46527642
GROAN

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>>46511796

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>>46527642

>>46518175
Ay bae, ur totes adorbs.

always wanted to say this IRL but never had the guts

Three adventurers, an Elf, a Dwarf and a Human find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Being a genie, he grants each of them one wish.

The elf says "I wish all my elven brothers and sisters to live in nature and be happy." The genie does some magic and all elves get teleported to their forest homes.

The dwarf says "I wish all my dwarven brothers and sisters to live in their mountain homes and craft fabulous weapons and be happy" The genie does some magic and all dwarves get teleported to their mountain fortresses.

The human says, "So, all elves and dwarves are gone forever from human lands?"

The genie says, "Yes."

The human says "I'll have an ale, then."

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>>46528466

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>>46528466
Nice, anon.

Why are dwarves so terrible at magic?

Because all dwarves who could work magic already turned themselves into elves.

>>46528550
Why do orcs prefer to raid elvish villages instead of humans ones?
They take twice the prisoners

A man is captured by drows and they put him in the dungeon of eternal suffering.

"listen prisioner you will be here suffering until death, or until other prisioner choose your torment. So choose wisely which torture do you want".

So they present him the first chamber of torture.
In this one two drow mistress are carving wounds with knives in the skin of a poor orc who doesnt stop screaming.

Then is the second chamber, in which a dwarf is put in a minuscule cell with no food or water or places to stand or stretch his legs but magically keep alive.

And last there is the third chamber in which the most dirtiest human you have seen your life is given an eternal blowjob by a 10/10 female drow.

The prisioners thinks a little and says "The third one!"

The drow guard smiles and looks to the female drow -"Liriel you are free to go, this human is gonna take your place".

>>46516875
How do you offend a male elf?
Produce testosterone.

>>46528785
Prisoner. Not prisioner.

>>46517590
Noice

>>46517609
Kek,
>sister of battle arent good enough. I demand female space marines FUCK the fluff.

>>46527642
i dont think i get it

>>46529423
A 404 error when a web page doesn't exist

What do you say to a cute elf boy?
I don't want to wake up yet

>>46529860
that hit alot harder than i thought it would

An Elf is packing his things and is rounding up his family to leave his humble home in the ghetto. A dwarf walks by and sees him.

"Ah, why are you leaving, Elf? The King has been kind to your people, yes? "
"Well, of course, but there are two reasons why I'm fleeing, my neighbor, he's a human, he says his gang is going to get rid of us Elves after they take care of the dwarves!"
The Dwarf chuckled. "Hah, they'll never get rid of the Dwarves, we're the foundation of this city!"
"I know, I know! And that's the other reason."

>>46530713
Nice.

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>>46517119
1/1

An Orc is chatting with fellow adventurers, each sharing heroic deeds in a Tavern.

"I rescued a priceless historical amulet from a den of kobolds!", started a human.

"Hmmf. So you could sell it for a profit? I defended my own village with nothing but a Birch switch and my wits!" replied an Elf.

"Elvish wits my ass! Using my brains, I designed a siege catapult to singlehandedly stop a troll in its tracks, keeping it from destroying the statues of our ancestors.", contested a Dwarf.

"Bah! I'm the only one here who did something truly selfless!" Said an Orc. "I saved a woman from rape!"

"How so?" Everyone asked, looking curiously at the noble Orc.

"Well, I managed to talk her into consenting midway through."

>>46517119
l don't get it? ls this a pregnancy joke to see if the female elf's belly size increases or something? Sorry the joke went over my head

>>46527642
Pages are Different from Squires.

>>46530976
>"Well, I managed to talk her into consenting midway through."
not
>"I paid her first."

>>46531104
>Fuck Elf
>Knocked up? It was a girl

An Elf and a Dwarf are adventuring together, and in between swigs of ale, they discuss their paradise.

"You know, Thorsson," Said the Elf, "I dreamt of the Dwarvish heaven last night. It was a giant feasting hall, warm from the constant roasting of boar and the sparks of the forge, there was beautiful statues all around and everyone was drinking, smoking, wrestling, and having the time of their lives. It was so loud, however, that I woke up."

The Dwarf nodded, "You know, I saw the Elvish Heaven last night too. It was a quiet, serene glade, blooming with flowers and ripe fruits, with every animal friendly, no thorns to tread on, no direwolves or giant spiders to fear, just beautiful, peaceful, nature."

"And what about the Elves in it?"

"Can't say I saw any, Sapleaf."

>>46531182
Ohh that makes sense. Thanks.

>>46517560
I don't get it, shouldn't the elf be fine as well? Dwarves are on average taller than elves.

>>46531411
What setting are you playing in, the Kiebler universe?

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>>46517156

>>46528780
Underrated post

At a meeting of architects. a dwarf. a human, and an elf sit at a table.
The human asks "Why is it that dwarfs build underground?"
The Elf answers "Well, imagine you were a dwarf. Would you want to see your wife in the bright sun?"
The dwarf glowers and the human holds back a chuckle. "Well, then, why is it that Elves build inside trees instead of constructing proper fortresses out of stone?"
The Dwarf pipes in. "Same reason ya' see so many of those darn half elves. Their tools are far too weak."

>>46531976
kek

>>46531976
[] Weakly rekt.
[] Normally rekt.
[] So fucking told elf has to commit seppuku.

>>46518175
H-hey, I uh, I just wanted to say, uh
s-sorry

>>46511470
A bard titling a song about wizards "pocket full of batshit."

>>46511470
A good fantasy joke?
Elves.

>>46527627
>on a stormy knight

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>>46527642
laughed my ass off
fuck you

>>46532625
Please explain it to me. I still don't get it.

>>46518209
>>46519725
>>46519885
I dont understand why everyone is responding like this someone wanna fill this newfag in

>>46517628
Also, fighters are typically *bigger* than average

>>46532821
OOOOOOOOOH DAYUM

>>46532640
See >>46529512

Most of the ones with the elaborate setups are Russian anecdotes.
Just so you know where to find more if you like.

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>>46511470

>>46532674
Read the post above yours.

>>46533836
This is cute.

>>46531182
>>46517119

>what is a vagina

>>46534726
One of many holes a dick fits into.

An elf, a human, and a dwarf sit down at a bar.
The discussion turns to why there are half-elves but no half-dwarves.
The elf says, "Because at least one of the two participants is desirable enough."
The dwarf says, "Nah, you elves will put out for anyone."
The human puts down his ale and says, "All women and no women."

>>46511796
It's also funny because the "ber" in "berserk" comes from the word for bear.

A worried-looking paladin drives into a mechanic's shop. The mechanic says "What's wrong?"

The paladin replies "My car's been running fine for years, but lately every time I get behind the wheel I keep having these strange urges to break traffic laws and run people over. Can you take a look at it?"

The mechanic says "I think I know what this is. Gimme a minute." He raises the car up on a jack, looks under it, and nods. "Yep, there's your problem."

"What is it?"

"Your alignment's off."

>>46524554
Reminder that Vlad Drakul actually did this.

>>46537061
Not quite. When he did it, it wasn't an accident.

Wanna hear a joke?

Elves

>>46531598
Top kek

>>46536434
Good one friend

>>46511470
A warrior of justice has been captured by an unholy succubus and is having their rump struck repeatedly with a board.

That's a paddlin'

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What's the difference between an orc and a park bench?
The bench can support a family of four

What's the difference between an elf woman and a plastic grocery bag?
The bag carries groceries

How do you tell the difference between a male dwarf and a female dwarf?
You don't

What do you call a homeless drummer?
Single

What does an orc call a adult human?
Sir

What do you call a gnomish diviner who just broke out of jail?
A small medium at large

How are elves like jelly beans?

No one likes the black ones.

>>46537538
>le orcs are black people meme

>>46537538
>homeless drummer
what does this have to do with fantasy

>>46538925
Yeah, that is not fair for orcs.

>>46537528
Nice.

>>46538925
I can tell you're racist, because that's the only stereotype you complained about.

Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people, and there's two sides, there's black people and there's niggas. The niggas have got to go. You can't have shit when you around niggas, you can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, "I heard you got robbed." Nigga, you know you robbed me. You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit! You can't go see a movie, you know why? 'Cause niggas is shooting at the screen, "This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in here!" You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!

>>46539068
Yeah, at least orcs have a culture

>>46539122
I was in the thread where this pasta was first posted. Shiz was good

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>>46537538
>A small medium at large

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>>46539126
Well, now that my shit-posting with Chris Rock's most regretted skit is done, lemme contribute with some pic related.

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>>46539141
And another one. Wish I had the comic page where the elf and dwarf are talking about how slutty humans are and listing off half-X fantasy races as evidence, and finish off with bringing up Centaurs.

Canon in Xanth.

>>46539148
I can't decide if I should laugh or find that adorable.

>>46517834
> Khazalid is a legitimate language

Hahaha, now you're getting the hang of making jokes. I'm glad you learned to talk like a civilized being, and so well for one of your kind it's surprising!

>>46532674
Genuinely new puns that aren't just rehashed racist jokes? Fuck me now on this table Mr. OC producer.

>>46539126
That's from Chris Rock, who is a black comedian.

How many djinns can you put in an inn?

>>46539201
>forgot the answer
Hurr durr.

80. 7 in the rooms, 73 in the fireplace.

>>46539198
>muh racism

hi tumblr, you gonna call us literal terrorists next?

>>46539295
I don't have a problem with the racism, just the fact that they're lazy reskins.

Jesus fuck, don't be so sensitive you nigger.

What do you call a life form so evil and degenerate, D&D doesn't just bar you from playing it, it doesn't even exist in D&D?

a negroe

You encounter a black fa/tg/uy at your local GW store. Wat do?

roll a 1d20 Wisdom check for "Speak to Animals"

Why is the black guy's character sheet empty?

becuz he dindu nuffin

>>46534726
>Implying women can't have penises

>>46539541
But his background has "Of Noble Birth".

WE WUZ

Why did the black bard have to re-roll his character before your party even left town?

20 CHA don't stop a bullet

Last words of a LE Paladin/Alchemist multiclass?

allahu akbar

What do you call a dwarf with a short beard?
Female

>>46518175
Uh, h-hello...
D-do you l-like e-eggs?

>>46523733
dont get it

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>>46536434
That was a good one anon! Have a cookie.

>>46539990
The father ran away.

>>46539122
/pol/, pls go

>>46520991
underrated post

>>46540008
Not really "ran away". More like, "was a rapist who didn't give two shits".

>>46539990
There's a joke that African American men will abandon their women and entire lives if it means avoiding being a father.

Many people equate orcs with these people.

>>46540124
that's unfair. at least orcs can be reasoned with.

What's the difference between a lich and an elf?

You can negotiate with the lich.

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>>46534726
Anon over here asking the important questions

>>46540025
>tfw we've reached peak SJW where everything is racist, even black people's own words

>>46540158
>He thinks this is the peak
Prominent LGBT activists are already kicking out gay men because they're not discriminated against heavily enough now.

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>>46527627

>>46532065
Well which is it?

>>46540199
Remember, MLK is being condemned for not having been inclusive enough

>>46536434
I laughed and I am not okay with this

>>46540199
>gay men go decades with just being called the "gay community"
>feminists decide that's discrimination and they wanna be known as lesbians despite the fact that gay is a gender neutral term but it doesn't let them be big enough snowflakes
>the movement is now spearheaded by literally insane trannies and feminists who more bigoted than any "fag-basher" in history
>gay white males are hated more by lesbians and trannies than by heterosexuals

What a time to be alive

>>46540374
They truly don't realize they're undoing each other, it's so great. But again no surprise a bunch of mentally deficient and biologically degenerate freaks can't think straight. No wonder they keep killing themselves lmao

>>46540374
>literally insane trannies
That's a bit redundant, don't you think?

>>46511470
Holy shit anon

>>46540199
what

Thread just went from cringy joke thread to awesome

What's the diffrence between a dwarf and an elf?

The elf doesn't hate himself for being a fag

>>46540158
You say that like black people can't be racist to other black people. Ir that there hasn't been notable cases of people unironically being members of a hate group that was formed to discriminate against them.

>>46541051
10/10

>>46541172
I'm friend with a black guy, and he explained me once why he always frowned when I proposed him a bounty.

Turns out it's an insult, since Bounties are black outside but white inside. I told him it was the stupidest insult I ever heard and that even kindergartener found better one.
He agreed.

>>46541186
>Bounty
What the fuck is a Bounty? The paper tissue brand? Or is it a food like an Oreo? 'Cause that's the one I've been called.

>>46540535
There isn't enough redundancy in the world to explain how psychologically fucked they are

>>46541248
>Cause that's the one I've been called
What the fuck.

Also, bounties are sweets. Basically coconut covered with chocolate. I should probably just call them Bounty.

>>46541186
>>46541248
>>46541355
I've only ever heard "Oreo" for that term. I think I may have seen a box of Bounties before but I'm not certain. Maybe it's a regional thing, or I just don't exactly have my finger on the pulse of black culture.

>>46541390
Well, I'm French, so maybe that's a local thing. We do have Oreos here.

>>46541390
Probably. Up here in North Jersey, it's Oreo, but maybe somewhere where a chocolate bar is as cheap as a giant pack of Oreo's the racial slur meta has evolved.

>>46541405
Maybe, Bountys are in the UK at least so I guess it's a yurop thing.

>>46541482
France =/= UK.
How would you react if I called you a Mexican because you have a border with them?

>>46540374
It's why people like Milo Ynnappolis(thats probably spelled wrong) are getting kind of popular, cause shit like this is getting absurd.

>>46541498
It almost was a few times, including that one ridiculous proposal in the 20th century.

Imagine Mollet trying to get "France has Queen Elizabeth as Head of State and joins the Commonwealth" past the French people.

>>46541607
I can't hear you, I'm still busy insulting all the British I meet for killing my grandgrandgrandgrandgrandfather at Azincourt.

>>46539990
>>46540008
>>46540124
Not taking the joke as
> dem sweet orc orgies so who knows who the father is?
Weak ass shit right there.

>>46540374
> spearheaded
Because the screaming idiots are the ones leading the charge. That's why we hear about all those 4chan anons getting out there doing work in the communities.

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>>46539148

>>46541769
I cannot contribute to this thread any longer.
I am laughing too much.

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>>46541248

>>46540374
I don't know, I think lesbian has been a term for a long time. I mean, it started as a euphemism along with saphist, and only become a literal term over time. Before it was a polite allusion, like, "oh, you know that famous greek poetess who liked women? This lady's probably a fan of her work. And not, you know, just for its artistic merit."

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>>46531411

>Dwarves are on average taller than elves.

>>46518156
>water
>not stout/ale(if you are Pleb)

Sir Anders and his squire went to a tournament woefully unprepared, with only the most basic of supplies for camping out. They had even forgotten the stand for their cauldron, and to cook their evening meal, the squire had to hang the thing over the fire with a rope slung over a tree branch and tied in a complicated knot.

The next morning, the tournament began with the customary skirmish among the squires, before the knights took the field. Sir Anders' squire was set against two other squires, and fought the pair of them to a stalemate even though they ganged up on him, drawing cheers from the ground.

It just goes to prove that the squire of the high pot in noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

>>46542061
I hate you.

>>46511470
An adventurer walks into a backwoods town at the edge of the High Forest, where he meets a wood elf sharpening a knife.

"Hello," he says. "I thought I'd spend the night in town. What's do you do for fun around here?"

"Loads!" says the wood elf. "About three weeks back, this woman from Waterdeep got lost in the High Forest. So me and Bernel, we got a posse together, found her, fucked her, brought her back in."

The adventurer blinks a few times. "Uh...anything else fun ever happen around here?"

"Yeah!" responds the wood elf cheerfully. "About two weeks back, Bernel lost a goat in the High Forest. So me and Bernel got a posse together, found it, fucked it, and brought it back in!"

The adventurer was not quite prepared for such a free admission of depravity, and decides to switch tactics. "Well, er...it can't all be fun and games, can it? Anything sad ever happen around here?"

The wood elf stops sharpening his knife, and gets a stricken look on his face. "W-well," he stutters, swallowing nervously. "L-last week...*I* got lost in the High Forest."

>>46542090
Yes, let the hate flow through you. Hate leads to the dark side, to me, to the forbidden arts you decry now but will be ultimately seduced by: puns. Even now, in your hate you seek a witty bon-mot to castigate me with-- perhaps something about pun-ishment or being sent to the pungeon. Let it loose, and your victory over me will be complete! And so too will my victory iver you be, for you will have become that which you so hate.

>>46542188
I think I'll just go with the ever-dependable "fuck you."

>>46542061
Why are all the Knights ones atrocious puns?

>>46536434
This is my favorite so far. Very DND rather than a reskin.

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>>46542061

>>46542291
>Very DND
>literally has a car in it
yours must be an odd setting, Anon-kun

>>46539166
Why not both?

>>46542337
>his setting doesn't have cavemen, cars, dinosaur skeletons, an alien ship that crashed on an island somewhere and some suspiciously plasma gun shaped "wands of fiery disintegration"

>>46528393
If you ever do, laugh it off. Then kill yourself. Just so you know.

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>>46542061
...god damn it

>>46542337
Haha, I meant it only works for people familiar with DnD.

Other ones work in-universe better, but they could work in any fantasy verse.

I did like the Bust of the Human King a lot, for not being a reskin and still making sense.

>>46520991
kek

>>46539137
I always prefered it told this way.
>The police have issued a statement about the fraud midget psychic that recently broke out of jail.
>They have a small medium at large

>>46542061
I can't relate to non-racially based humor. Haw haw I guess

John goes to a local ranger known for capturing exotic animals as pets and asks if the ranger has an ooze to sell him. " Just a small one," John says, "maybe a two feet square."

"Why on earth would you want an ooze?" asks the ranger. "They're dangerous and hard to keep."

"Well," says John. "I have this neighbour with a bloody great mange-covered hound that keeps getting into my backyard in the middle of the night and shitting on my rock garden. I want to keep my ooze back there to clean up that organic material-- and if it sizzles that damn dog a little too I won't be upset."

The ranger's not sure about this, but the money is good and he sells John a small gelatinous cube. Everything's quiet for a month, until John comes back to see the ranger wanting to buy and even bigger ooze, along with some ooze medicine.

"How come?" asks the ranger. "Was there something wrong with the first one?"

"No, it was great," says John. "Every morning I'd go out and the ooze would have cleared away the crap and left my rock garden sparkling. Only yesterday my neighbor started complaining that his dog was missing, and that morning I went out and found my ooze full of little bones looking kind of sick. I've put it in the bathtub, and that's what the medicine is for. But this morning I went out, and there was another shit in my rock garden, and by god if my neighbor comes back tonight he's going to be in for it!

The one who buggers a fire burns his penis

>>46542753
Why would the neighbour shit in his garden?

>>46518175
HALLO?

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>>46542061
Nice.

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>>46542824

>>46542824
>MichaelCaineInDarkKnight.jpg

>>46542919
>>46542954
????

>>46542061
...Jalen?

Two doppelgangers with low int were hanging out in a small mountain cave when a group of adventurers started approaching up the pass. The doppelgangers saw them approaching and began to panic, since there was no one around for them to mimic, and they knew that if adventurers saw them looking like themselves, they would surely be slain. The adventurers were almost at the cave entrance when one of them had a brilliant idea!

"I know!" he cried, clapping his clammy grey hands and widening his round, black eyes. "I'll be you and you be me!"

A paladin is visiting the stall of a travelling merchant when he finds a bronze statue of a rat and decides to buy it. He asks the merchant how much it costs, and the merchant replies "Just 1 GP, but the story behind it will cost you 1000 GP". The Paladin buys the rat without paying for the story.

When riding back home, the Paladin notices that he's being followed by a swarm of rats. He rides faster and faster, but the swarm continues to grow until it contains tens or hundreds of thousands of rats. Desperate, the Paladin rids down the pier and throws the rat statue into the water as hard as he can. He watches as all the rats follow the statue into the water and drown.

The Paladin returns to the merchant's stall, who asks if he wants to hear the story behind the statue. "Fuck that!" shouts the Paladin, "Do you have any Bronze Orcs?"

What did the knight say to the female squire?

-4 STR

>>46543250
Hehe, I like the "black people can't swim" punchline

>>46542548
The bust of the human king joke is actually a reskin of a somewhat old Russian joke. I can't quite remember the original details, but it was a fairly standard "greedy jew" sort of affair.

>>46517772
Holy fucking shit get cancer and die

>>46543326
Old Soviet Jew allowed to leave for Israel, golden bust of Stalin.

>>46543554
Mad elf is mad.

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>>46517860

Three dwarves decide to go fishing. They swim at middle of sea and one suddenly catches gold fish.
Suddenly, fish speaks:

"If you free me, I will fulfill your wishes."

They think a bit and mutter something and agree. They release fish and start thinking about their wishes. First one is second dwarf, middle-aged.

'I want keg full of beer!'. - POOF! Keg of beer appears on boat.

Next one is oldest dwarf. He think for a moment and suddenly rise from boat.

'I know! I want to have my own brewery next to my house!'

'All right, it will be there when you come back.' fish says.

Finally, younger one thinks. He think for longer while and finally scream: "I WISH THAT ENTIRE SEA WILL BE MAKE OF BEER!"

POOF! Entire sea is beer now. Middle and younger dwarf start crying and pat each other as they drink from beersea now. Suddenly, oldest slaps youngest one and screams.

"You moron! NOW WE MUST PISS INTO THE DAMN BOAT!"

>>46542211
> Response to conflict is to try and breed with his aggressor

Found the Human.

>>46545543
>still not Humanity, Fuck Yeah story where this was basically how mankind escaped extinction

>>46545627
> Still not IRL Cro Magnon, Fuck Yeah where we did this to the other hominids, or Han, Fuck Yeah where they did this to the remnants of Alexanders Army and are in the process of doing this to the rest of the ethnicities while pretending that everything has always been China instead of that they're only 50 years old because Muh Chinky Inferiority Complex.

Well, that and a combination of Murder and Deforestation. A classic trifecta.

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>>46545627

>>46546052
Is that for real?

An ork and a goblin are sitting in an iron carriage, but who holds the reigns?

The guards

How did the dwarf win a marathon?
Spmeone dropeed a gold piece at the finish line

How many halflings did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
This is a fantasy setting, those don't exist, you fuck

>>46546156
Well the Toba Bottleneck theory exists, but I dunno about the rest.

Flight or Fight response is a thing too so, possibly?

>>46546156
>humans
>breed fast

If you're going to eat pop science garbage, at least get it from a magazine or something instead of an anonymous source going off memory who is willing to further compromise facts in an effort to amuse you with shock value.

>>46518175
please be in london

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Once there was an elven maid married to a churlish human knight. Every day he would berate her ears and tell stories of the bravery of humans. "Our lands are vast, as are our heroes, whose names are engraved in every stone. There is no limit to the might of humans, from the hairs on our head to the marrow of our bones."

Now the elven lass grew ever tired of his games, and approached him with a question, "If the bravery of humans is as vast as you say, why haven't you charged into the fray? After all, knights must fight for their lady fair, now for my love, conquer a challenger if you dare."
The knight scoffed and spat a hearty laugh, "Of course my love I'll fight for you but in turn you must obey, every word and every command that I will ever say."

And thus the knight set forth from his home on search of a worthy foe, but he then realized how easy it would be to trick his maiden fair. So he rode deep into the woods and set his shield atop a stump, then mercilessly hacked at it until his sword arm was numb. He splattered his cuiriass with a handful of mud, then mounted his horse and rode away.

"I have returned victorious, you foolish elven witch! I slew a knight who encroached my land, now honor your promise, you bitch."
The elven lass was surprised to see her husband bloodied and defiled so, but she suspected something was amiss.
"Indeed you have my noble husband fair, but my promise is not yet over, as you have not given your share. You said to me once that humans were thrice an elf's worth, two more knights you must face, unless your honor is even smaller than your girth."
"You wait and see oh cruel bitch of mine, I'll slay two more knights and for my girth you'll whine!"

>Cont

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>>46546736
The elf then donned his suit of armor and a helm which he foolishly left inside, she then rode around to the forest clearing to where he smote his shield. She called out to the busy knight, "Halt! What pitiful excuse of a nobleman beats his shield so raw? Come out and face my wrath! Turn around and draw!"
The knight, terrified of the intrusion, fell to his knees. "Oh forgive me lord, I did not see you there! Please have mercy on my soul! I pray my life you'll spare!"
The elf, amused by his cowardly pleas, decided to take it further.
"Forgive you? Surely you mean to jest? But I am feeling merciful, so I'll offer you a request. You will plant your lips rightly between my puckered ass, else I shall rend you in two for blocking my forest pass!"

The knight whimpered and moaned but finally agreed, after all what's an ass-kisser to a dead man?
The elf bent over and pulled her leggings down, beckoning the trembling knight over. The knight then laid his lips between her spread cheeks but noticed a second hole, he then looked up and spoke in a fearful tone. "Sir, I have never seen an ass this long, pray tell what is your name?"
The elf replied, "I am called Long-Assed Beringer! The elven knight of fame!"

Thus the elf rode back home, leaving her husband in the mud. An elven lad wait for her there, and they quickly went to bed. Eventually the knight returned and came home to a horrid sight, her wife in bed with another man, an elf at that.

"Foolish elf! How dare you lay with my wife! I'll kill you where you stand and end your miserable life!"
At that the elven lass looked over from her lover to the knight, she smiled and said only this: "Kill my man? You can do so if you may, but would you again kiss the rear of Long-Assed Beringer?"
The knight thought long and hard, then shuddered at the thought, he fled his home to escape the wrath of her fearsome protector indeed.

A human may boast of pride of might, but never fails to kiss elven ass.

>>46546736
>>46546759
Just like an elf to spend so many words on tripe.

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>>46546917
You know it.

>>46546917
This was better than the shitty joke.

>>46546759
Shaggy dog jokes are pretty shit to be honest.

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>>46531182
Silly Anon, humans can't get elves pregnant. It's why they're so rapable.

>>46548460
Than how come we have Half-Elves?

>>46548506
>elf raping a human woman

>>46534726
You're on /tg/ senpai, many of us have not and may never see this mythical "vagina" you speak of.

>>46548559
>elves raping anyone

>>46548695
It happened once.

>>46548660
I thought I did once. But it turned out to be a palm tree.

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>>46540535

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>>46539867
Maybe

How many paladins does it take to change a candle?

Two.One to change the candle and the other to uphold the light

>>46550396
elf on elf "rape" does not exist. Its just called sex

Why do dwarves dig into mountainsides?

They're too stubborn to go around.

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>>46517014
Fuck, I lost it.
Good show sir.

>>46517703
Savage

>>46542786
http://www.pompeiana.org/resources/ancient/graffiti%20from%20pompeii.htm

The origins of 4chan, everyone. By the way, I remember seeing a screencap of a thread that responded to this, requesting it pls.

>>46534726
An abomination.

>>46539141
>skull bra
This seems very impractical.

>>46542337
Cars and cellular phones belong in all fantasy to be quite honest with you, family.

>>46555417
Roman /r9k/:
>VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1824: Let everyone one in love come and see. I want to break Venus’ ribs with clubs and cripple the goddess’ loins. If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?

>>46555417
ROMA
O
M
A

>>46555417
Some of these make me kek

I wonder if anyone's cataloging modern graffiti?

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>>46541894

In the US, those are called Mounds.

Ironically, the pejorative racist browns use for browns eager to assimilate and leave their objectively shitty cultures behind is 'coconut.'

>>46520643
Can't read.

>>46528466
don't get it, plz explain

>>46556193
He was going to wish for the elves and dwarves to leave, but they did that themselves so he just asked for a beer.

>>46546156
I don't think so. All primates and similar critters fuck everything whenever they can, so it can't have been a species thing. It's more like a genetic family thing.

And it's probably a social instinct of using sex as a way to diminish our worries and make strong bonds with our partners, look at bonobos and there's your answer,

It's true that we have very interconected our more primitive aspects, but that doesn't mean that we'll hatefuck each other. Hatefucking seems to be more related to some cultures like the modern USA or classical rome (catulus is one of /tg/'s favorites), rather than being a global phenomenon.

>>46521697
stealing this to tell my party.

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>>46553375
>Not giving her sweets instead

It's like you don't want her to rub it in the other girls' faces that she's still fit after eating cake every week.

>>46558266
I actually usually give her flans. I know it's not as efficient but it saves an inventory slot so I can give some to dolce too

>>46538925
Yeah, orcs and black people are not the same.

One is a race full of rapists, murderers, and generally evil creatures that live to see others in pain and agony.

And the other ones are orcs.

>>46555932
Coconut is a pejorative for the pacific islanders around here.

Which is a much simpler insult in this context.

>>46558381
>>46558266
>>46553375
who is this phallus chalice

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>>46555932

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>>46562151
Forte, from rune factory 4

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>>46562157
>spunoWs

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>>46555417

Bump.

>>46562157
>SICKERS
>NICKERS

>>46511470
Daamn.

>>46555417
More like the origins of facebook. They LITERALLY wrote on the falls, for fuck's sake.

>>46562157
>dove
>mfw where I live dove is a soap brand