>>49840229
>Cawfee

>>49840229
>expect getting barely edible mushroom bread and stone soup
>get fancy fluff cake and coffe con panna

>>49840229
>Dwarf wants a taste of home
>"Bring me a beer"
>Do you want draft or pumpkin spice

>>49840242
>Green tea

>>49840229
"Would you be okay with a No Pipeweed seat?"

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>Go to elf cafe
>Some knife ear punk breaks a stein over my head while two other elves accost our female bard
>Only twelve seconds and my coin purse has been stolen
>Apparently an enterprising elf decided to defy expectation and open a pub

>>49840283
>Cawfee

>>49840299
I will watch the shit out of a show about an elf pub built across the street from a dwarf cafe. The first being managed by the world's burliest, most foul-talking, cigar-smoking elf and the second by a massive family of effeminate dwarfs with delicately braided beards.

>it's another "opposite so it must be funny" thread. Boy I sure hope this sparks some real meme green text stories, just like the ones I've read on reddit!

>>49840299
>tfw some leather coat wearing elf biker tried to get our underage female paladin to lay on hands on his syphilis dick

>>49840299
>Irish elves
Jesus christ how appropriate

>>49840229
How good are the breakfast deals? This is serious concern for me.

>>49840229
>the dwarves have taken to playing smooth jazz versions of traditional dwarven drinking songs, with lyrics adapted to sound less rambunctious
>choruses are no longer sung by everyone in the room, but by two dwarves harmonizing
>there are no drums, instead a dwarf matches the beat by tapping on his table with his hand
>light beer frappes for everyone

>>49840351
Anon, that's not cafe, that's armory.

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>>49840322
>Get propositioned by obviously underage elf prostitute
>Trust me, luv, I am one hundred and eighteen years old, I know how to get your spear polished
>Don't you mean two hundred eighteen?
>get shanked

>>49840318
>they are in constant conflict, until a shared enemy enters the picture: a troll ran pizzeria chain opens a branch nearby

>>49840358
I don't see any difference.

>>49840229

Karak Eight Beans

>>49840318
>>49840398
>The two businesses must unite to show the pizzeria that love and care put into your business is superior to cold ruthless efficiency.

>>49840472
>find out troll pizza turns stale when exposed to sunlight

>>49840443
20 keks

>>49840318
They are manly dwarfs. He invented the espresso machine to make the coffee extra black.

>>49840252
>This pastry is light and fluffy
>Dwarf work for sure

>>49840304
Beer

>>49840535
>Espresso
http://www.funraniumlabs.com/the-black-blood-of-the-earth/

>>49840318
Why effeminate though? I'm asking since I'm not familiar with such a cafe stereotype. Is that a Starbucks thing?

>>49840304
>greeeen teeea!

>>49840274
>there is dwarfs who UNIRONICALLY don't drink designer 100% home made dwarven craft alcohol
Might as well drink piss if you're drink human (and using this world lightly) alcohol.

>>49840726
>Cawfee!

>>49840746
>Eyedo leiko summa moreh greentea

>>49840242
>>49840283
>>49840726
>>49840746
>>49840754
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo62NTsqcUg

>>49840485
>Its all stone fire pizza
>He gets done for health violations

>Go to Dwarven bar in a foreign land after a long day of adventuring.
>Order a simple salad, the other menu items don't match my Elven palette.
>Most of the bar looks at our party funny, but our dwarf passive aggressively threatens them.
>Finally get salad.
>What the heck, this isn't an elegant salad. This is just mushrooms, onions, potato, and a light beer dressing.
>Whatever, I'll eat it. I heard there was a halfling village a few days away with a nice buffet.
>It's time to pay.
>I forgot every continent uses a different set of currency, the dwarf waiter stares at my Elven money funnily.
>Most of my party is pissed at me, they won't cover my meal
Fuck me

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>>49840816
>Fuck me
that is one way to pay for that salad, yes.

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>>49840816
>>49840843
Seems like a pretty standard form of payment among elves traveling abroad

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>>49840886
>elf tourism priorities among kingdoms skyrocket while monetary conversion businesses mysteriously go out of business every tourism season

Well fuck, the lewd elf meme ruined another thread.

>>49840742
Tch. What dwarf refuses to drink anything but their mamma's milk? A REAL dwarf will drink everything served to him in a mug, or even in those little piddly hourglass shaped ones if no proper mug is available.

A real dwarf sets out to try every drink in the bar and doesn't stop until they've served him a glass of every damned one, even the bottles of cleaner that happened to have alcohol in 'em. Then, and only then, does he talk about how true dwarven liquor is better than all the watered down piss they've served him, with a bite that could cut through metal and a kick that'd put the surliest horse to shame.

>>49840930
I feel for you, man.

/tg/'s really, really got to learn to wank off before posting.

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>>49840561

>>49840930
It's only three posts. Let's start going on the right track with elves trying to be tough.
>Elf in punk clothes starts harassing party
>Orc in our group pulls out a small bonsai plant, then snips it in half.
Elf faints on the spot
>SWAT is called.

>>49841001
That wasn't what this thread is about.

>>49840947
You drink everything in a non-dwarven inn in search for the unicorn that doesn't taste like warm water, you simple human.

>Go to elven bar and ask for a menu
>It's 500g nearly raw chunk of meat, with destiled root-drink and salad and other nearly raw macerated foods, serve yourself with a leaf/chunk of bread or by hand
>Go to dwarven bar and ask for a menu
>they bring sixty different plates, all of them pretty well prepared and designed and go scoff when they see me using the wrong utensils and drinking the wrong ale
>Implying this isn't how it should be

>>49841108
>Go to elven bar
>They lock you in a cage with a hungry bear and an open fire across the perimeter
>If you're not an elf they graciously allow you to take a weapon of your choice

>Drow bar
>It's pleasant and airy with a lovely atmosphere, great food and nice staff
>warm beer though

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>>49841108
>>49841130
Fuck, I had the same idea
>hear that a new steak house has opened up
>famaily decides to check it out
>it's far out in the woods, a big wooden house
>lively inside, people scatting on the floor around bonfires, ripping meat apart with their bare hands
>I see some really wealthy families sitting there, with their hands dirty, their faces in some deer like wild animals
>a loud YEEHAW erupts out of their midst
>some withy, slim but fit elf runs up to us: "Do you want to ask the god of the hunt a favor? Let me show you your seat under the moonlight!"
>he pushes us towards a bonfire and makes us sit
>"You look hungry, pray to the god if the hunt!"
>he runs away, jumping over patrons, picking up bows and arrows on the way and leaves the restaurant
>[muffled yeehaw in the background]
>ten minutes later he comes back, rushes at us and drops a dead deer near us
>"Praise the god of the hunt! Now feast my friends!"

>>49841209
I had an idea to turn Feywild/Generic Elven Bullshit Dimension into a fantasy analogue of the Long Earth from the eponymous book series. Wood elves live as hunter-gatherers mainly because they can travel through Feywild pretty much infinitely. They still appreciate stuff civilization can give them, they just aren't convinced this whole "civilization" thing is worth a hassle.

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>>49841209
>[muffled yeehaw in the background]

What pastries do dwarves eat?

Imagine how pissed Dwarves would be if they saw Elves going full hipsters and pretending to be salt-of-the-earth lumberjacks.

>Be dwarf
>Perfect pastry with ancient family knowladge and keep recipe secret, each one having years of work behind it and taking years to even learn how to properly knead the dough
>Be elf
>Put berries in a leaf and sprinkle some magic dust. ANCIENT FOOD VERY EXPENSIVE.

>>49841894
isn't it the elves who stereotypically take a hundred years to make a dish?

>>49842078
You can change it as much as you want as long as you want to make fun of the fantasy races you don't like.

>>49841797
According to Terry Pratchett, you might want to bring your own croissants.

>>49841797
>pastries
>eat
they're for throwing, you numbskull.

>>49841074
Fool! Yer not searching for some fancy drink! Yer tryin' to prove something! The bar is your battlefield, the drinks your foe! Take them all down and show that nothing short of a true dwarven lager's a match for you!

>>49840399
This is lovely, except for one thing - NO FUCKING FIRE!
You can't have a cozy pub without a fire.

>>49841193
oh fuck...

>>49841797
>Pastries
>eat
AHAHAHA You're a funny one.
traditional dwarf dessert is cranachan

>>49841797
>>49842236
>>49842277
Well, the premise is they're atypical, enterprising dwarfs, right? They defy expectations.

It could also work funnily.

>Sitting in dwarf cafe
>Enjoying a nice cup of tea
>Suddenly, your nemesis, half-orc ganglord Ratskull enters, knife drawn
>Your instincts are quicker
>Surveying the room, you formulate a plan
>This is a dwarf establishment, you could use anything as a weapon!
>"Waiter! Quickly! A pastry! I'll pay triple, just make it snappy!"
>"Right away, Sir!"
>Dwarf waiter throws you the plate, you expertly hurl its contents at Ratskull, expecting the crunch of broken bones
>Instead, there's a soft "squish"
>Something soft and white is running down Ratskull's face
>He looks angry
>"Our crème bavaroise! Our famous strawberry crème bavaroise! You savage!"

>>49842518
>Eating bavaroise as a pastry
I bet you spread it all over some crumbly biscuit like a fucking Italian, don't you?

No, anon, you are the fucking savage.

I've always liked the idea that Dearves are, after their own fashion, aesthetes and epicureans that appreciate anything, from arms and armor to architecture and engineering to food and drink that takes time and artistry to perfect. It makes perfect sense to me that dwarves would travel the world sampling the finest brews and meals, and would open dining establishments of the highest caliber.

>>49842518
>Meanwhile, at the elven pub across the street
>Grand Archduchess Felravina Greatoak the Starry Eyed, Ambassador of the Hazel Court arrives with twelve bodyguards
>"Good gentlemen, if I may please have a plate your finest traveler's fare? I have traveled long and am wary."
>Receives greasy meat pie and some french fries, asked if she wants the channel changed on the TV

>>49842573
Firstly, I love the thought of that.
Secondly, shouldn't it be "weary"? If I am wrong then I get to learn a new word.

>>49842078
>Be dwarf
>Make stone-like dry and tasteless hard pastry. "ANCIENT RECIPE OF ME FAMILY VERY EXPENSIVE"
>Be elf
>Wait thousand of years for the perfect sized fruit from a magically grown and watered with magic essence, each droplet blessed by hand. Put in ancient tree leave, which would be valuated at well over any kingdom in age alone. Ornate with magical golden shavings.

>>49842652
Yes, it's a typo. It should be weary.

>>49842354
Of course none is a true foe to a dwarf, but you have to give the tall ones some merit for how hard they try to mask the horrible taste of their lacking alcohol.

>>49842668
>>Wait thousand of years for the perfect sized fruit from a magically grown and watered with magic essence, each droplet blessed by hand. Put in ancient tree leave, which would be valuated at well over any kingdom in age alone. Ornate with magical golden shavings.
>"Finally, an age's work has come to pa-"
>Snatched from hand by passing halfling
>eaten in a second
>burps loudly, continues walking down the street

>>49842690
>So began the Third Elf-Halfling War, also known as the War of the Tongue

>>49842679
>Due to their innate immunity to poisons, Elves are forced to rely on dwarven "tasters" to test the potency of their alcoholic beverages.

>>49842690
The same could happen in the dwarf greentext story, though.

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>>49842652
You are right

>>49842707
They aren't immune, they have some more saving throws against them.

>>49840318
>>49840398
>>49840472
>>49840485
>>49840771
But what will they do when next year, a lich, returned from the tomb after a thousand years of slumber, once known throughout the world as the Old Kingdom's foremost gastromancer, opens his own restaurant nearby?

>>49842668
Hey, don't knock hard tack. you'll break a knuckle

>>49842762
Not in this setting, apparently. Though you'd think taste alone would suffice, even if they can't get drunk. Seems the elven sight and hearing does not extend to their sense of taste.

>>49842773
Join together for joint purchases and advertising? A pub, a cafe and a fancy restaurant all do different things, so they shouldn't be in direct competition.

>>49842547
I always thought of it as a matter of utilitarian design and ornate design.
The Dwarves set out to make something they look at it's purpose and they make something that fulfills that purpose and fulfills it well, then can come decoration. The Evles set out to make something beautiful then they work on making it work right by magic or by craft after they have something pretty.

>Be Orc
>old and grizzled veteran of a dozen wars and hundreds of raids
>sit down at a local human tavern
>Call for a waitress in my gluteral harsh orcish tongue, demand to be served
>she nervously hands me the menu
>Can't read
>rip it to shreds and order ham hock served over a red-eye mushroom gravy, rose cut roasted russet potatoes with scallions, garlic and onion sauteed peas and a side order of pistachio biscotti
>wait for a good spell, become impatient
>Waitress finally arrives with the food
>cut through ham hock, juices still in the centre of the meat, not rested, rubbery texture
>gravy tasted like plaster, its just corn starch, water and oil
>try the potatoes, not russets, but red-skinned potatoes, waxy as fuck, no subtle sweetness
>they didn't even use scallions but raw green onions, flavor overwhelms everything
>urge to kill and pillage rising
>try the peas, they were adequate, calm down a bit
>bite into biscotti to finish this awful meal
>almonds in my biscotti
>go berserk, flip table and burned down the tavern
>rate it one axe out of 5

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>>49843160

>>49843160
I christen thou Gormack Sourbrow, Adventurer Food-Critic.

I have a feeling that you've just became a meme.

Now show us your review of the dwarf cafe.

>>49843160
Gordorc Ramsey everyone.

>>49840319

elves that hate nature and love industry!
warforged that hate industry and love nature!
orcs that wear top hats and are patrons of the arts!!

omg i am a genius and king of this thread

>>49843266
>warforged that hate industry and love nature!

There is the variant that are closer to dryad than golem, a living tree animated and sustained by embedded spirit crystal(s).

>>49843266
Dude its just food culture.

Dwarve cafes and elf pubs make perfect sense even in their own settings, its just no one thinks that far.

If humanitys food culture is varried enough for two resturants why wouldnt other races be?

>>49842573
>the warlord only wanted a cup of tea

>>49843160
Kek.

>>49842773
The undead cooking stuff HAS to be a health code violation.

>>49843522
>"YOU BARBAROUS CRETINS CAN NOT COMPREHEND THE SUBTLE MAGNIFICENCE OF OLD KINGDOM COOKING! MY TALENTS ARE WASTED ON YOUR DEGENERATE PALETTES!"

>>49843352
Well, humanity's schtick is that it's pretty varied, whereas elf and dwarf cultures tend to be very conservative and samey.

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>>49843352
>elf pubs make perfect sense
Really? I just made it up because i thought elves were sissies.
>>49843522
>Restaurant owned by an ancient lich that prides itself on historically accurate dishes from long since forgotten kingdoms
>Lich actually just owns hundreds of ancient precursor cookbooks, he was too busy figuring out how to make his business partner his phylactery to learn how to formally cook

>>49843536
>Turns out the lich hasn't been able to taste anything in over 1,000 years, though he is so good at cooking that everything he makes is delicious regardless.
>Cooking for others was a way to live viscerally through their experiences.
>The elves, dwarves, and trolls that shut him down over health code violates have killed the only way he can experience his greatest joy
>They realize this and feel bad, and now have to come up with some way to re-open is restaurant.

>>49843544
That's odd, seeing as human society has gotten progressively more liberal, Dwarf and Elf empires millennia older must be complete anarchy, unless they've a cycle of conservatism and liberalism.

>>49843579
Singing him up for the newest season of Mithril Chef?

>>49843571
>I just made it up because i thought elves were sissies
That's a meme. Well an elf-pub wouldn't probably like your run down working class neighbourhood pub and they would mostly not drink beer, but elves like to enjoy the finer things and there is nothing saying that they can't get excessive.

>>49843649
Except in Majesty, where elf pubs are a drain on the economy.

>>49843602
They started conservative and stayed right there. Forever. From the day, the first Dwarf was born, it went into a cave, saw a shiny rock, and mumbled to himself.

"This Dwarf work..."

From the day Elves first spawned, they walked into a forest, looked around, and went. "This is perfect. We're perfect, we're the best race."

>>49843747
So they're both French?

>>49843571
Elves and fairies in genral are heavily influenced on celtic lore.

Elves are fags but their IRISH fags.

>>49843663
I dug the elves in Majesty. It was a fresh take. "Notorious revelers, prone to the vices of wine and debauchery". They demand to be housed in a lavish residence which appears to be filled with drugs and whores, boost Marketplace income just by being around and can play music in taverns to make money. On the other hand, "Elvish Lounges" and gambling halls start popping up all over the kingdom once you let them in, you can't tax them and all your heroes will waste time and money inside.

Basically, elves are a cross between rich twats and gypsies.

It's also hinted that they sunk their own old continent.

>>49841821
I doubt the dwarves would care much though they might find it amusing to see elven phariahs butchering their precious trees.

On the other hand, if those elves started pretending to be miners...
The dwarves might get a tad bit more grumpy than usual

>>49843160
>taste of the foul ham hock and green onions still lingers in my jowls
>go to the local dwarf cafe to wash the taste away
>knock the door off its hinges, invoke ancient challenge to the blood enemies of all orcdom
>"Serve me the finest drinks and sundries to soothe my weary palate lest you dishonor your forefathers and forfeit your beards in shame!"
>I throw my battle axe at their feet
>all the dwarves take notice, the owner of the cafe steps forward and accepts my challenge, by throwing his hammer at my feet as per tradition
>a dwarven maiden cautiously guides me to their special seat and table in a private dining room; stonework wrought in iron and brass
>the maid first brings me a selection of drinks, a brew of blackest oil, their craft stout and elderberry wine along with a plate of fresh buttery croissants
>I grab dwarven maid by her throat
>"You dare serve me red wine with coffee, by the blood of Rugarth The Indomitable what's next? Pair red wine with fish?! I should cut off your head where you stand for this treachery!"

[Continued]

>>49843868
>The Cafe owner places his firm grip on my arm and politely tells me to refrain my onslaught until I have tried their dwarven concoctions in their specific order. Oh this is rich, their skulls will decorate my pike by sun down.
>I sip the coffee, dark, rich with a plethora of different bitter and earthen nodes assaulted my taste buds. Quite nice.
>then I tasted the wine, my eyes widened, the different nodes of earthen bitterness danced alongside the wine's merry melody of zest, sweetness, tannin dryness, tart and fruity body. Each different node of flavor and taste perfectly accentuating the other.
>I carefully savored each node and taste before washing it all down with the strong dwarven stout.
>Next came the croissants, as I bit into the pastry I cannot help but notice 40, no 50, wrong again 88 individual layers of buttery and flaky texture, not expecting such delicate gentleness from the dwarf's obviously calloused and clubbed hands.
>I finish the food and beverages brought before me, the cafe was dead silent awaiting my judgement.
>without a word I stand up and walk towards my axe that is jutting out of the splintered wooden floor planks, picking it up and leaving the establishment in peace
>the joyous cheer echoes through the cafe behind me
>any dwarf that can make wine and coffee go together deserves to live.
>The croissant was mediocre though

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>>49843160
>>49843868
>>49843879
Keep going. I must know more about the tales of this Gormack Sourbrow, for they bring me much amusement.

>>49843879
Somebody needs to draw this orc savoring his meals and then killing the entire inn because the food was so shitty.

>>49843868
>>49843879
Where would you travel next, o mighty Gormack? Where else shall you set your culinary sights?

>Go West, to the Troll Pizzeria
>Go South, to the Werebear Bed & Breakfast
>Go North, to the Elf Pub

>>49843879
>Going about my daily rounds when I see a tall, muscle-upon-muscle orc walk out of the dwarven cafe I visit every week
>Watch in confusion at why someone of his like would go into that establishment
>See him enter the elven pub across the street
>Ah, that seems more his speed
>Continue down the street
>Less than a minute later see fire rising from the distance
>Can hear roars about brownies sloshing onto mashed potatoes and distilled centaur urine echo off the buildings
>Can smell blood, corpse shit, smoke and, for some reason, elderberries
>Run for my life

Guys, guys

A pub ran by motherfucking satyrs.

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>>49844052
>Grand opening
>Satyr employees drink all of the stock before the first ten customers get in
>Pub closes in a day
>First nine customers say atmosphere was a solid five stars out of five
wew, that was hard

>>49844052
>>49844082
How about fauns? They're like satyrs but slightly less rapey.

>>49844013
>Troll Pizzeria
Go west!

>>49843160
>>49843868
>>49843879
>>49844014
>Restaurant food quality is measured by a angry orc barbarian food critic who spares establishments that meet his incredibly refined palate and high culinary standards, destroying and killing those who can't.
>Legend says that restaurants who survive five or more of such visits from this orcish food critic is deemed worthy to serve food to the gods.

>>49844187
>THESE ARE THE LEGENDS OF GORMACK SOURBROW:

>>49843571
>Really? I just made it up because i thought elves were sissies.

I always thought the "lmao elves r dumb sissies" is a meme born from over-reaction to complete book of elves and subsequent pileup of every single negative trait on the race.


That or insecurity.

>>49844185
Fine I;ill try writing some time later, I'm busy getting food and doing other shit.

Someone has to make pasta out of The Legend of Gormack Sourbrow.

Al dente, of course.

>>49844275
This has the potential to go strong on 1d4chan if enough stories are collected.

Also, someone needs to stat Gormack.

>>49844275
Any fool who dares make pasta out of Gormack Sourbrow's legend deserves the axe rating he'll give them when he tries it.

>>49844395
>1d4chan
Yes, I can't wait for reddit to pick it up!

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>>49843160
>>49843238
>>49843522
>>49843536
>>49843849
>>49843868
>>49843879
>>49844013

>The Arch-Gastromancer of the Old Kingdom is Gormack's nemesis
>Memorized in legend as the best chef the world has ever known, in ages past the Arch-Gastromancer's dishes have been known to start and end wars. Empire rose and fell before his appetizers, and in the young days of creation, his desserts satisfied the palettes of gods and demons
>Now, having awoken from ten-thousand years of slumber and desperate to find someone who could truly appreciate his brilliance, he has singled out Gormack
>Spying after him through his Scrying Saucepan and using magic and manipulation to influence Gormack's path, he tests him, slowly but surely
>When the time is right, he will invite him to write a review of his restaurant, pitting his millennia of eldritch cooking experience against the orc's tastebuds in the greatest culinary battle of wills and wits the world has seen
>WITH GORMACK'S SOUL ON THE LINE

>>49844645
Palate, not palette. GODDAMMIT FINGERS WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME

>>49844624
Hey now be fair. Reddit is just a slice of the internet. Nearly all of the internet may be shit, and same for Reddit. But there is some good in there. Somewhere. Almost certainly. Maybe. Possibly. Theoretically.
On the subreddits obviously, christ knows the main page is shit. May as well browse 4chan via "latest posts"

Gormack Sourbrow art when

>>49844804
Are there any drawfags in the audience?

>>49844645
>>49843160
>>49843868
>>49844187
>>49843879

Holy fuck this entire thread is amazing

Five axes out of five

>>49844395
Fuck off, 1d4chan brought reddit and spacebattles onto this board

>At times, Gormack goes on adventures alongside his on-off sidekick, the infamous traveling goblin patisserie known only as "Le Biscuit"
>Other companions of his have included:

>>49844185
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOCgD33LH-I

>>49844897
The robed, and mysterious "umami gnome", known only for his specific palette

>>49841193
>Warm beer

C H A O T I C E V I L

I'm keeping this alive until Gormackanon returns with more stories. And if this dies while I'm at work, I damn well expect him to open a new thread to post them.

>>49843868
>>49843879

I hope you're reading this, man.

>>49845268
I sincerely hope he comes back

>>49843879
>thirst is quenched but my stomach yearns for a heartier affair
>head west to the local and small pizzeria shack, heard a trollkin is chef there
>burst into the entrance, nose is bombarded with halitosis, body and feet odors, pungent garlic and moldy grime
>greet the troll chef with a hearty haymaker to the jawline and a few coins and teeth, the troll returns the hospitality with a good uppercut, what a swell guy.
>politely ask for the "house special" and he obliges
>Within minutes, the troll brought out a gangrene mushroom and foot cheese pizza made with "trollblood" paste and topped with boar bacon and alligator stripes, nobody here appreciates good troll cuisine like an Orc can
>the trollblood paste was sharp, sweet with a right mix of zest and subtle hint of a iron and blood
>the foot cheese was absolutely divine, nutty, salty, poignant and very very rich, it demanded careful and slow attention. to savor every node of flavor as it gradually sieves through all the five taste sensations from bitter sweet to creamy savoriness.
>the gangrene mushroom had an excellent meaty texture, the troll chef boast that he dried the mushrooms for 40 days to concentrate and intensify their sharp bitter savoriness, accentuating well with the smoky bacon and subtle alligator meat flavors, perfectly proportioned and well balanced.
>but the crust was stale, dry and hard.
>absolutely inexcusable

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Jesus christ now I really want to make a comic of the draven caffee and elf pub cross street rivalry and all the other shit going on in renaissance not!Paris, not!Urbinio or not!Vienna or something, with a Gormack arc where he comes to rate them

>>49845391
>I grab the troll by the throat and threw him into the kitchen, lunging at him as his misshapen lump of a body hits the hanging pots and pans, immediately dismembering his left arm with my battle axe
>"You dare serve me unworthy crust? What do you take me for a fool? What is this crust made of?"
>"R-ringwort millet, p-please have mercy, I had to cut corn-" as he writhes in pain
>"NO EXCUSES! The crust is the foundation of the entire dish, no crust it just becomes a shitty casserole, do you serve pizza or casserole troll? Answer me!"
>"P-p-pizza"
>"Speak louder, the foul taste of your crust has made me hard of hearing."
>"PIZZA"
>"Good, good. For now on trollkin, bake your pizza dough out of the freshest evergreen or staunch mountain wheat so this grave mistake does not repeat itself. Or the next limb I dismember is your head. SWEAR TO ME TROLL!"
>"Y-yes I-I swear!"
>"Good, I rate your establishment 2 axes out of 5 and here's a generous 35% tip for the excellent service. Farewell and I pray our next visit ends in more favorable terms."
>Fucking ringwort millet really? That stuff isn't even fit for slaves!

>>49845408
Maybe some halfling street food?

Gormack rates a werewolf run steakhouse?

>>49845589
Sausage inna bun?

>>49845631
Mushroom on a stick, minced rabbit and beans pie, carrot kebabs

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>>49840229
>Coffee
Why? It tastes like burning.
>Inb4 your tastes will mature
I'm 26, I'm not a picky eater and I now enjoy many things I didn't like as a kid. I still hate the taste of coffee and doubt anyone drinks it for the taste.

>>49845769
Burning is an exquisite taste. I like 99% chocolate, too, and would much prefer if it didn't have sugar in it.

>>49845769
You learn to enjoy the bitterness. It's an acquired taste for sure.
The caffeine hit helps too

>>49845769
Black Coffee is an acquired taste for sure.

Perhaps try mixing it with something? Milk is the common option.

>>49845719
Dont forget soup loaves.

>>49845391
>>49845408
And what shall be your next destination, Gormack?

>Go South, to the Werebear Bed & Breakfast
>Go North, to the Elf Pub
>Stop at a Halfling Street Vendor

>>49845769
It's an acquired taste, just like good vodka.

>>49846316
>>49845408
Can't wait for that pub to get obliterated.

>>49840229
>enterprising dwarfs failed to get a liquor license

Maybe they think that alcohol is of too much cultural and religious importance to be subject to human laws, and paradoxically this means that they can't sell it because the city guards are constantly searching their property for moonshine

>>49846427
Second, I can only imagine the bloody elf pulp that will remain

>>49845769

I didn't start drinking coffee until I was 30. Some days you just need the caffeine and have to ignore the taste. Eventually you might learn to like it.

>>49846427
>>49846467
>inb4 he gives the eleven pub 15 axes out of five, simply because he needed more axes to behead every single knife ear in the building.

>>49840681
When he mentioned a friend who had japanese coffee that made him "see colors outside the visible spectrum and vibrate through walls"...I immediately recognised that phrase. But I can't recall where the hell i've seen it, I just know it was in relation to coffee somewhere.

>>49846316
Stop at street vendor on his way to the pub then go sleep/eat breakfast at the BnB.

>>49845769
I never liked coffee till I took a trip to Vietnam where I had some particularly fine stuff, sweetened with condensed milk. I've been a fan ever since.

>>49846682
Really? All the coffee I ever had in China, Japan, Korea and India was just absolute garbage. Why Vietnam of all places?

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>>49845020
Depends on the beer. Some types are perfectly acceptable when warm.

>>49846427
>>49846554
>inb4 he actually likes elven pub

>>49845719
fried mushroom on a stick actually sounds like it'd be great. Get some kind of creamy dip to go with it, maybe a blue cheese one. Is this not actually fair food already? I've never seen it before but it sounds really basic. Maybe regionally, since I'm not in a mushroom producing area?

>>49845391
>>49845408
Wow. That... actually made me nauseous. Good shit, Gormackanon.

Should we open a Gormack thread?

>>49847311
Let Gormackanon do it if he so wishes.

>>49846870
Better than the standard elf rape joke.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/49840229/

Thread archived.

You did good today, /tg/. You did good.

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So what would Centaurs be most likely to cook/eat?

And who in their right mind would produce pic related in a fantasy world, and how?

>>49846870
My understanding of an elvish pub is that it's either a hall of Ancient Greek-esque dickheads getting wasted on couches or a Beowulf style mead hall full of pretty Vikings

>>49847532
hideous

>>49847554
A Elvish pub would be aggresively irish.

>>49847554
I think of the elvish pub like the biker pub on the side of a road that is mostly deserted after an highway was built.

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>>49847554

>>49847532
That's bad conventional dwarven cooking. It's not so much interested in a person's pallet as it is in adding extras and widgets to improve a dish.

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>>49847532
>So what would Centaurs be most likely to cook/eat?

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>>49847575
That's the beauty of it, anon.

It has transcended the very notion of taste. This is not a food you eat for nutrition, or for taste. This is a monstrosity you consume for the sake of being able to say that you successfully did so.

IT HAS BECOME THE ULTIMATE LIFE FORM

>>49847593
I never liked the whole "animal girls who are part a herbivorous animal are obligate herbivores". Most of them look like they could definitely have a stomach in the human part of the body (and in Monster Musume, their mouths are definitely human), for once, and second, most of those are recorded in mythology as being ravenous meat eaters and hunters.

I mean, yeah, yeah, no point sperging out about mythological accuracy in a show where all the monsters are also cute Japanese girls, but I just don't like vegans all that much.

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>>49847645
Now that you mention it, if Centorea really was built like a herbivore she'd look freaky as fuck
>mfw her front teeth and her molars are the exact same

>>49840561
I came here to post this.

>>49847645
I liked how CS Lewis did it the one time we saw a centaur chow down. They're huge men and also huge horses, so they eat a big ass human breakfast then go stuff their faces with oats and run around for a bit to start the day. Feed both stomachs, since their body would have both the human and horse guts.

>>49847532
It's like the food version of the nine levels of hell. God save us all

>>49847845
Caress your fear, anon. Embrace your rage. Gorge your hatred.

Nothing can save us now. The only thing left to do is revel in it.

>>49845408
>After a good afternoon of wholesome pillaging and warring across some pisspoor human kingdom with my warband, work up a enormous appetite
>the only place in town that seems to serve enough quantities of meats to sate a orcish hunger is a elven pub and steakhouse, fucking knife ears, I'm going to regret this.
>As I slowly enter the eating establishment, the minstrel stops playing his, I can only guess are happy orc murdering songs and all the patrons and servers turn their heads towards my direction
>their gaze were sharper than their ears, some were brandishing their bow and arrows
>I walked confidently to a empty seat, all the patrons aloofly and silently parted my way, isolating me on one table, dagger like eyes still probing my orcish features, fucking knife ears.
>I beckoned a eleven wrench to serve me, she(he?) hastedly drops a glass of iced river water with a little bit of mint and lemon wedge and a menu without so much as eye contact or a friendly greeting
>I notice it was the kid's menu, nice big pictures, no words.
>I made my order, owlbear tartare with raw baskilisk egg yolk and tartar sauce on the side for appetizer, medium rare dry aged minotaur calf porterhouse steak with caramelized shallots, rare pancetta and baked beans and to finish off with a asparagus and dryad root salad with a Wendigo Wild Wine-saffron vinaigrette, paired with a 200 year old slow aged maquis berry wine
>I could almost hear the head eleven chef choke on his tongue when he heard my order, he better not fucking screw up on my steak, burn my shallots or ruin my wine-saffron vinaigrette with malt vinegar, I swear to Morgoth I will burn this place down and salt the earth for miles around so nothing grows and nothing can be cooked.

>>49848004
>the elves all dot about whispering in their strange tongues, probably insulting me as I wait for my meal, I wish I could run the heft of my axe through everyone of these backstabbing effeminate bastards. But that will ruin the atmosphere for this meal.
>the Eleven finally brings forth my food and drink after a eternity of waiting
>the tartare was smooth and had a nice buttery richness, the chef must have added kidney suet, clever. It paired well with the slight fishy/amphibian taste of the basilisk egg yolk, accentuating well with the tartar sauce.
>next came the steak, the meat fell effortlessly off the bone, and it was well marbled with creamy rich fat, so tender that every piece melted in my mouth, the shallots were cooked just right, not burnt or too raw, providing a nice mild sweetness to compliment the savory experience. The Panchetta and baked beans were nothing spectacular then were fresh and adequate, not those salted and jarred kind.
>And then to the salad, asparagus was mildly bitter and earthly paired very nicely with the mild sweet, peppery and crispness of the sliced dryad roots, love the contrast, although the vinaigrette in my opinion has too sharp a citrus and tarty zing, almost overwhelmed the flavor of the entire dish, almost.
>Could do with with teaspoon less wine and a pinch more saffron. But overall the meal was quite nice.
>The maquis berry wine had a very heavy body for a wine, almost tasted like a dwarven stout in some aspects, mild sweetness, sharp tartness and extremely dry, creating a good contrast with the salad.

>>49848026
>I finished my meal and was about to head off, than I was stopped by a burly elven fellow with a cigar
>"Oi mate, you forgot to pay for ya meal."
>"Being alive is payment enough knife-ear, step aside or tonight bathes in the blood of your kin."
>"No, no, no you daft bastard, you don't understand, nobody leaves this here pub without payin', not even a some pig faced greenskin who thinks he's the be all and end all of fine dining."
>"I can brush such empty profanity aside, but my patience wanes, move or I'll-"
>The elven prick lands a cheapshot in my eye, I stagger back a little
>I pounce on him on him retaliation and a brawl breaks out.
>Arrows guided by drunken eyes were flying in every direction, 3 or 4 of the elusive bastards were all over me
>We fought all night and all day, elves were smash across the floor board, elves were hanging from ceiling and elves were passed out in their own vomit by the windows.
>Beaten and battered the burly elf approaches me one eye bruised and blackened shut, as I lay top of the pile of broken elven bodies, tired from the whole humbug
>"So uh, how many axes does this place get you barbaric green skinned savage."
>Spitting out a tooth, "Four axes, you knife eared son of a bitch, would have been three, but the brawl was a nice attraction."
>We shook hands and parted ways, for a elf he wasn't half bad company.

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>>49848004
>>49848026
>>49848056
>everything went better than expected

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>>49848004
>>49848026
>>49848056

>>49846828
The way I understand it now is that coffee has been grown in Vietnam since the French first introduced coffee to the country during its mid 19th century colonial period, and several regions today continue to grow some excellent varieties. It's usually brewed table-side one cup at a time, using a French drip filter, and is served with condensed milk to sweeten and lighten the flavor.

Gormack requires:

1. Artfaggotry
2. Stats

Free restaurant review for whoever provides

>>49848219
I need a system for stats- I can do Cortex Plus in a pinch.

>>49848239
give it a shot, I'm not even Gormackanon

>>49845404
What a coincidence, I want to read it.

MAKE IT. PLEASE.

>>49848004
>owlbear tartare with raw baskilisk egg yolk and tartar sauce on the side for appetizer, medium rare dry aged minotaur calf porterhouse steak with caramelized shallots, rare pancetta and baked beans and to finish off with a asparagus and dryad root salad with a Wendigo Wild Wine-saffron vinaigrette, paired with a 200 year old slow aged maquis berry wine
Absolutely wonderful

Do another establishment (I vote for Werebear Bed & Breakfast), then Gormack's first encounter with the Arch-Gastromancer of the Old Kingdom!

>>49848219
>Free restaurant review for whoever provides
Gormack checking out >>49841209

>>49848391
>Gormak enjoying te and scones before slaughtering a room full of middle-aged vacationers over a burned cookie
Yes!

/tg/s agreement in the Werebear Inn thread was that it would be comfy as fuck. Race of Lawful Good lycanthropes, they're literally inherently nicer than any of the core races.

Also Goldilocks jokes. Lots and lots of Goldilocks jokes.

>>49848532
>Orc Barbarian food critic
>Illiterate
>Spends most of his life fighting and pillaging
>Max fucking ranks in culinary arts and gastronomy
>Knows what spoon and fork to use in the fanciest dining establishments
>palate so refined can go into murderous rage over a burnt pastry or if one ingredient or flavor is out of order

All I have to ask is how did Gormack Sourbrow come to be? How did an orc require such refined tastes?

>>49848611
He was taught by the greatest masters.

>>49844897
>Human known only as "Cook", he contantly complains that the food is always missing at least one of the four food groups, when finally asked what they were he responded, "Beans, bacon, whiskey, and lard"

>>49848611
>>49848624
There exists and ancient and foreboding monastery, high upon the peaks of the mountains of Gah'zoole, wherein live the white-robed, white-hatted members of the Order of Mish-Ellin, the Curators of Cuisine. Few have ever managed to reach their house of culinary contemplation and epicurean esoterica. Fewer still have returned alive.

And only one in the past hundred years have managed to gain their respect, and be taught the secrets of their craft.

>>49848707
>the next time he returned to the monastery, he found it pillaged and burnt - the Arch-Gastromancer has found the Order of Mish-Ellin and wished to test their cooking skills, and found them wanting

>>49848611
He's just naturally inclined to enjoy and appreciate taste. He's eaten everything from his siblings to tofu at least once and his heightened senses (usually for surviving the harsh wilderness) can pick up the faintest traces of any herb and spice. Also he just fucking love food.

>>49841193
beer wasn't always served cold

This is one of those once-in-a-blue-moon threads. Saved the whole thing, bookmarked, and inspired to run a campaign based entirely on the PCs owning an eating establishment. 5 axes out of 5.

All this talk of effiminate dwarfs, burly elves and werebears reminded me of this.

http://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/30580086/#30580086

Anyone remember Urist and Calerion?

One of their party members was a werebear princess (wat) with a secret dream of becoming a patisserie.

A worthy foe for Gormack?

>>49848676
I loved that movie as a child.

>>49848917
More like a sidequest.

Then, like in The Witcher, he finishes her mission and she gets all ready to remove her bra and leap into bed, but Gormack wouldn't have any of it. Grabs the cake, leaves to find new culinary adventures, werebear princess remains lonely in the dark.

>>49848707
>>49848777
>barbarian/monk
I literally don't think there's a worse class combination, mechanically. Is it even possible?

>>49849228
RAW, no, since a barbarian must be chaotic and a monk must be lawful.

>>49849228
For a worse combo? My first guess is Sorc/Monk, but I admittedly lack proficiency at gauging what classes' progression do or do not synergize with one another from memory.
>>49849251
Unless we're talking some other thing where alignments don't matter. What system we going for here?

>>49849251
3.5 has a Chaos Monk alternate class option, which must be Chaotic, and has a version of Flurry of Blows that grants a randomly determined number of extra attacks every time you use it.
>>49849228
Possible, yes. Optimal, no.

Going to sleep now. Hope this thing still exists by morning, we've created something beautiful here.

Gormackanon, if you're reading this: if this thread dies, it's your responsibility to the continue the legacy you have created!

>>49840715
Because the joke is switching the stereotypes of the two races. Dwarves are usually thought to be burly crass drunkards while elves are thought to be refined sophisticated pansies.

>>49845020
>warm beer
Coldness would just hide much of the flavors and richness in many kinds of (malty) beers. I'd say that most porters and stouts, expecially imperial porters and stouts shouldn't be drunk too cold.
Not every beer is like some lager that tastes better cold and refreshing.

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Put it all together in one picture for this tale to be told to later generations. I'll continue it if the author shows up in the next few hours.

>>49843522
Nah, it's cool. The amount of death love, death sweat, and death tears poured into making a deathlicious meal ensures that bacteria are dead before the cooking process.

For stats, Id say hes incredibly strong, taking on entire bars, wise as he knows all this shit and can detect it. Hearty, as he downs the drinks with ease and can take the hits,
Str 16
Con 17
Dex 14
Int 7
Wis 15
Cha 8
Skill are up to you anons

>>49847805
You are two people!
That means you have two guts!
Rip and Tear!

>>49850482
I like the fact that he's a full orc. None of that half-orc bullshit here. He's a guy coming from a usually always evil race, waltzing into town, and telling you your food sucks. And then burning down your business.

>>49850999
More like trample and kick

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Pick one

>>49851457
>roasted Salamander

Looks delicious. But it also looks fried, so. Hrm.

>>49851457
Hearty Meat soupe

>>49850482

Fucking saved. A nice little pearl of /tg/ at its finest for future generations to enjoy.

>>49851457
Grilled snake. I've had snake before, it isn't half bad. I could go for that I guess

>>49841797
helm plump biscuits.

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>>49851457
Snek. Vigilo confido.

>the dwarves open a maid cafe

>>49852827
Dwarves are the waifu race of /tg/. Business will boom.

>>49852753
I just started playing XCOM 2 recently. They don't just have snektits, they have huge tits. I don't know how to feel about this.

>>49852883
/d/ definitely does.

>>49852930
>>49852883
>Freak flag intensifies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5mYiIhzyos

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>>49850482
>capped in tomorrow
>Smart enough to separate the actual gormack green from that one green i wrote
Perfect.

>>49840843
sauce?
Imagesearch isn't helping.

>>49844818
yes.
imma try it when I get home.

>>49851526
The salamander is not fried, the skin of the tail (which the pictured portions of meat are from, the most flavorful part of the creature) takes on a unique and much-prized "crusty" quality when lightly oiled and cooked slowly over a low flame. It adds an interesting bit of texture to the dish, similar to that obtained by breading for deep-fried foods, but without the heavy greasy mouth-feel such dishes often suffer.

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>>49852930

>>49853347
That sounds absolutely delicious.

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>>49853135

>>49853684
NOICE!

>>49853684
Based

His face kind of reminds me of Chef Ramsay, which is apt.

>>49853684
10/10

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>>49852827
i... could be down with that

>>49842447
This is true.

>>49842447
>open fire
>in a wooden building

Are you sure that's to code?

>>49853965
>what does mean fireplace

>>49853988
Where are you going to put it, anyway?

Not like there's much wall space in the dining area.

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What sort of foodstuffs might different dragons excel at? Sure, they've the option of the classic raw cow or human sacrifice, but surely they'd eventually branch out a little, especially if they tried food while polymorphed.
And if the setting borrows dragons slightly from Temeraire, they can have very refined palates with a little experience.
I imagine blues would have different cuisine than reds, bronzes, etc. Maybe silver dragons make excellent ice cream.

>>49854006
Usually it would be at the wall that's facing the door and it would be a humongous fireplace that could warm at least 12 people in front.

>>49845769
I love that harsh flavour.

>>49845769
I didn't like coffee until I went to Rome and had just the bog standard, normal strong black coffee. It was fantastic.

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>>49853684
Some more

>>49845769
I never liked coffee till I went to mexico. They make a good pot of coffee. Literally they make it a giant pot.

>>49845020
Well, by 'warm' you typically mean room temperature. Plenty of ales, stouts and bitters need to be at room temperature or at cellar temperature in order to taste properly. Mass produced lagers taste horrible at room temperature.

>>49843760
Dwarf is french
Elves are Italian
And halflings are Spanish

>>49854068
Mulled beer is also nice.

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>>49854072
>dwarf is french
>elves italian

>>49854072
Halflings are Spanish
No wonder They enjoy Tapas dishes so much, Small meal, Small person.

>>49854149
Contrary to popular belief there is only one culture in the world more stubborn, stinky, superficial and perfectionist than a fantasy dwarf.
And that's the french folk.

>>49854284
italians are hairy and eat a shitload of carbohydrates, though

>>49850904
Int 7 doesn't seem to fit his eloquence and knowledge of cooking.

He also strikes me as a fairly high level character with a lot of adventures under his belt.

>>49854007
If you want to go maximum stereotype:

>Red: Anything they can get their hands on, cooked to anywhere between Well Done and Actually On Fire. Using dragonfire.
>Green: Everything is sour, all the time.
>Black: Everything is slimy, salty, and bitter.
>White: Nothing but ice cream and frozen foods straight out of the box.
>Blue: The only Chromatics who PROBABLY won't eat sapients, tend to just eat whatever's popular in the area.

>Gold: Dried foods in minimal amounts, supplemented with gems.
>Silver: Whatever the local humanoids eat.
>Bronze: Seafood day in and day out. Anything that isn't sushi is lightning-seared.
>Brass: Anything that might entice someone to stick around for idle chatter.
>Copper: I swear if he puts a slow-dissolve packet containing pop rocks in my soda ONE MORE TIME, I'll-

>>49854293
Both are hairy.
Italians are prettier.

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>>49854007
Check out the bottom table.

>>49850904
Str 17
Con 18
Dex 14
Int 10
Wis 14
Cha 8

Level 10~ Martial class, some kind of fighter barbarian.

Traits: One gives him craft: Cooking as class and another gives him Profession: Culinary critique.


Has worked in the army and also studied about cooking, being a perfectionist he wasn't satisfied with the generally brutish orc cooking alone, so he went in search of perfecting his art, now he works as a rogue food critique and chef.

>>49854332
See, those are the kinds of meals I would imagine are routinely cooked by the Archgastromancer of the Old Kingdom. They're on the lower end of his craft.

>>49853684
>man and woman in the picture behind him have beards
It's the little things.

>>49854411
I thought they were just a pair of male farmers...

>>49854415
It's a dwarf version of American Gothic

Would love to see a traditional tea house run by a Dromite family. Psionc bug people going full on geisha service with a variety of herbal teas and sake style wines and artisan food. No need to order because they are telepathic. They call it "The Nest" for the cozy images the name invokes. Opening soon just down the street from the favorite local dwarf cafe and elf pub.

>>49854516
I'm still waiting on Bear Bed & Breakfast for the image of Gormack butchering all the vacationing geriatrics because his scrambled eggs weren't fluffy. The werebears change to hybrid form to try and stop him but he manages to hold his own and eventually defeat them.

>>49854532
Across the street from the Werebear B&B, on the south side of town, sounds like the best place for The Nest.

>>49854516
Reasons for a dromite tea house:

Dromites are primarily herbivores as they have a rather difficult time digesting the proteins of most animals. Like termites and architect bugs, Dromites are xylophagous, meaning that they eat wood and other such things , although this does not form the sum total of their diet. Fruits, legumes, leaves, roots, fungi, nuts, seeds and grains are also important to the dromite diet and their digestive system is set up accordingly.

Unlike ruminant mammals, dromites do not possess a chambered stomach to ferment and break down the plant matter they consume. Instead they rely upon a diverse gut fauna to produce some the enzymes they need to extract nutrients from their food as well as producing their own cellulase.

Aside from the various cellulase producing glands and bacterial colonies, the digestive system of the dromite is fairly conventional.

>>49854658
I don't get it. What's the reason?

>>49854682
Because they are primarily herbivores. They don't do a lot of meats, but focus of plants of all sorts. Traditional tea house foods are the same way. Dishes are mostly veggies and grains with small accents of fish or other meats. Desserts tend to be fruit or nut based.

The dromite diet just fits well.

>>49853684
That is one handsome orc. I get the feeling the elves got their bows ready because he made them feel more feminine than they already were.

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>>49850904
Here's what he might look like in Shadowrun 5e.

Gormack Sourbrow never learned how to cook, but he knows what tastes good. As a self-proclaimed food connoisseur, he travels from town to town searching for the perfect restaurant. Those that fail to impress are given the axe, quite literally; nothing but corpses and rubble remain. They say that unworthy owners can sense their impending doom before he even opens the door. And who can blame them? Few measure up to the grizzled war veteran, and even fewer still when he decides to wear a shirt.

>>49854320
>Italians are prettier
shit taste desu

>>49855040
Anglo subhuman confirmed

>>49847645
Horses aren't even strictly vegan. They'll eat animal products or even meat if hungry/nutritionally-deprived/curious enough. Yes, curious enough. Some horses just try it for kicks and some of those develop a taste for it. There's a breed of ponies in some fuck off awful russia/asia mountain range that eats mostly fish. And for a long time many asian cultures would feed their horses on blood and other animal parts as a more efficent source of nutrition. Grass is almost worthless, grain is a bit better but tends to rely on sugar for energy, and horses have shitty digestive systems that waste almost 50% of what they eat, so blood, offal and straight meat are a good source of dense digestible nutrition for them.

I had a horse who would chase down snakes and kill them for sport and I definitely caught her taking a nibble once or twice. Not quite the the man eater of Lucknow, but she was still a pretty brutal cunt.

>>49855063
>not knowing about the autofilters
shittybaby

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>>49855071
So this is where the tale of thracian mares could come from. Thanks for the info, anon.

>>49844013
>Werebear Bed & Breakfast
The first bed is too hard, the second is too soft. But the third is just right.
The porridge is too warm, the second plate too cold, but the third is just right.

Shame they never made it that far.

>>49855130
Yeah, we made those jokes in the original thread, too.

>>49855130
>>49855141
>porridge for breakfast
What the fucking fuck, if I eat anything for breakfast denser than a biscuit and tea I fall right back to sleep.

>>49855129
Yeah, honestly it's the most likely of the myths to be true. It really wouldn't be that weird for a king to just have some crazy ass fucking horses that eat human flesh. There's precedent of exactly that. Google the man eater of lucknow if you want to read some fuckin shit. Crazy ass horse that terrorized the slums of Lucknow, killing everything it saw, with a preference for eating children. The king of India was like "yo that's that sounds fuckin tight" so he captured it and made it fight a tiger that he had starved and tortured for days to make it crazy vicious. Guess who won.

>>49855158
Didn't google it and I would guess the horse. A crazy horse might kick the living shit out of a tiger.

>>49854332
Misread "related species" as "related spices"

>>49855149
Are you British?

>>49855312
Dude, Brits eat the heaviest fucking breakfasts in the world.

>>49855318
second heaviest only because of American pancakes. Pancakes for breakfast is pretty much deciding that you're not going to accomplish a god damn thing all day that shit will knock you the fuck out.

>>49840229
We have a cafe here that still sells beer and wine and quite a bit of it.

>>49855329
This is why you eat them at 3am in the morning, with your crew after a show, as you all ask what's even happened to your lives as you watch two tables get up to charge out and fight each other in the lot, get stabbed, and carted off by police and ambulances.

>>49855353
>get stabbed
Dang, and here I thought I could start a Fight Club outside the local IHOP

>>49840441
Found the rust monster in the thread.

>>49855375
Sorry man. IHOP has got shit on 3am Dennys in the city.

>>49855329
Oh, man... Everything... Everything makes so much sense now.

My grandfather would always call pancakes a light breakfast, and my whole life I've been eating them on morning where I had important shit to do because I thought that way I could stay refreshed and energized, and it NEVER worked. I just thought I had the shittiest luck, always feeling so sluggish the whole day after.

This is like mindblowing shit.

Thanks a lot, gramps.

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>>49855423
do you have no basic understanding of nutrition and diet? what fucking reality did you coast in from where scarfing down a shitload of carbs, butter, and sugar syrup wouldn't leave you wrecked?

on those days eat a banana and a handful of granola ya fuck

>>49847845
There are even nine layers to it...

>>49855483
And Asmodeus is the taco shell.

>>49855423
You got to work on those critical-thinking skills if you couldn't question gramps sucky advice after it had ruined your day multiple times

>>49855447
Aren't carbohydrates and sugar the things that GIVE you energy?

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>>49855515
It's why it's called a BALANCED breakfast. You'd want a piece of toast with butter at the most, and the sugars should come from fruits or at most some in your coffee. Overloading on carbs and sugars first meal is a day off thing. Not a Shit I Gotta Run A Marathon And Then Take Physics Test day.

>>49854984
>Intimidation (Ramsey)
YES

>>49855074
...maybe he legitimately thinks that Italians are ugly? I'unno.

The other thread mentioned a cafe (or bakery? I think?) ran by fantasy comedy anime type minotaurs, the kind where the males are huge and scary and the women are cute girls with huge tits. With breastmilk jokes.

That's another destination for Gormack. I imagine him as someone who has not the slightest interest in tits or women in general, basically asexual, his only passions are battle and fine dining. He just gets super pissed about the implication of where the milk came from, screaming about how the texture and taste of breastmilk are completely different and unacceptably ruin the pastries, cuts everyone down.

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Possibly even the best in months.

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New cap, now with art! Old one here: >>49850482

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>>49855541
?

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>>49855644
Wrong Ramsay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99-n42Xb6NQ

>>49841130
>Go to elven bar
>Rock falls, you die

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>>49855827
>The Greatest Tavern In The World is actually locked behind a mega-dungeon which acts as the Adventurer's Only all-in-one exclusion and bouncer mechanic

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>>49840769
>C-arl Pikington
>Huh?

Who's opening a new thread for Gormack's glory once this dies?

>>49855571
Good, comfy, with OC. That's what I love to see on /tg/, wish more threads were like that

>>49855533
For anyone who is wondering; Franklin's Barbecue in Austin, Texas.

>>49856832
Do we need one? Gormack had his shot at glory, no need of overdoing it

>>49856929
I'm in the hope that gormackanon still has more stories to tell.

>>49856832
>>49856929
>>49856941
I'll give it a shot, but if the next thread dies, we have to wait until Gormackanon himself makes another.

>>49857026
>>49856941
Honestly, I think we should leave Gormack to Gormack-anon. He's been doing an awesome job, and I don't see why we shouldn't wait for quality writing.

If you want to write something along those lines, why not from a different point of view? Maybe from the view of one of the chefs that gets one of Gormacks extreme ridiculous requests and your efforts to fulfill it? Or maybe you're a regular patron to an eatery and Gormack pays you a visit.