>>53593459
>a man wearing a straw hat and what appears to be a roughspun guard uniform salutes the commissar
Reporting, sir!

>>53593459
I never got a lasgun, just a chewed up primer and a flashlight.

>>53594263
Atleast SOME of you are on time! If on time was HALF AN HOUR AGO!

>>53594302

Trooper! That flashlight IS your lasgun! As for getting a new primer, and your other gear, just take what you need off of Lance Corporal Ohwin's body over there! Seems he died of malnutrition! That, or a gunshot wound!

>>53593459
> A motley crew of soldiers in flak vests with dust-colored cloaks, gas masks, and way too many explosive devices stowed uppn their person in various ways confer quietly on the line.

Gremlyn A: "He's not serious, is he?"

Gremlyn B: "Please tell me he knows how to handle explosives...and that we're saboteurs..."

Gremlyn C: "Probably not, boss, by the way he's holding that pipe bomb. I doubt he's even seen a power shovel before."

Gremlins B: "Shit. Alright boys, put your shaped charges on the front of your gear and prep em quick. Let's make this quick as it can be."

>>53593459
An imposing, badass soldier with customized armor, and a full kit ready to bear enters into the field.

>>53594496
I am Lars Doomhammer, hero of the storm, saviour of Alury VI.

>>53594496
>>53594505
>puts on imposing, skull coloured helmet
I am ready for inspection, sir.
>He shows all of his kit, including his modified lasgun, with permission from the Admech. It has several scopes, pointing lasers, and a silencer all in one!

>>53593459
>A trooper almost the size of an Ork, half dressed and wearing a his munitorium issued gasmask askew and awkwardly holding a shit covered lasgun, shifts uncomfortably under your scrutiny.

I-i assure you, I can explain everything.

>>53594557
What the hell..........

>>53594451
>He'd quietly walk over towards the mottley crew, before proceeding stare into the eyes of Gremlyn B.

Does my bionic eye deceive me, or was I witnessing you CHUCKLEFUCKS, talking too each other in line, while I was talking!?

And where in the EMPEROR'S NAME, did you get all those explosives! BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL OUT OF ORDER!

>He'd begin to rearrange the way the man's explosives were organized, so that they would be both easier to grab, as well as by size of the explosion they would make.

Its Grenades on the belt, high explosives on the chest! Get it right the first time!

>>53594505
>>53594539
Atleast ONE of you Grocery FUCKERS, knows how to DRESS, and act!

>He'd pull the man out of the line, and would point t him out to everyone else.

This gentlemen! Is what PERFECTION, as well as proper ASSKISSING looks like! Take note of it, and you may one day get a proper burail when you die!

>>53594557

Is this about the Grenade colouring? Because it had BETTER BE! I mean, these fucking things look like SANGUINILA DAY EGGS! NOT GRENADES!

>>53593459
Wait you guys are imperial not khornate? Damn it I'm on the wrong side of the battlefield. So... Uh... This is awkward. Do you want to fight me now or would you prefer I go back to the other side first?

>>53594572
Sir! I have organized all of my weaponry and equipment according to fashion sir! Also, I know who did the grenades, but sadly, he transferred to another regiment.

>>53594622
Heh. I can give a demonstration about how to modify your lasgun without drawing the ire or triggering the Admech.

>>53594630
Well then.... go back to the other side, I suppose. I'm in a good mood today.

>>53594631
Emperor DAMMIT! Now who Me I supposed to shoot in the kneecaps in order to-...
>>53594630
....
>He'd pull out his Bolt pistol, Nd would fire a shot into both the man's kneecaps.

NOW I FEEL BETTER!

>>53594682
Yes. When will our next combat assignment be, sir! I hope its not chaos. Fuck, that would be terrible. Especially not slanneshi cultists!

>>53594682
>He shoots himself in the kneecap to satisfy the angry old man, and he feels no pain, because it is actually a prosthetic
Is it alright now?

>A weary eyed figure would enter the line, giving off a mock salute and flicking aside his half-burnt lho only to light another one
"Yeah, can we hurry this up, luv? Ain't got all day to waste sitting around in a trash heap watching time fly by along with the innards of my colleagues, at least not while sober"
>>53594682
>He'd blankly stare at the commisar
"Now that's just an utterly fucking vulgar display of power, no showmanship at all, I say"

>>53594570
W-well, you see my stomach didn't take too well to yesterday's corpse starch rations so I had to sit on the field shitter for a few hours. At first it wasn't that bad except for a the heat, being a cramped plasteel box and all, so I took off the uniform. Then the smell started getting to me, so I put on the rebreather. Then I got bored so I started fieldstripping my lasgun but then the call came and as I was rushing to finish up, I dropped my gun in the shitter. S-see?

>>53594710
Well, aren't you just the pinnacle ASSKISSING, AND BOOT LICKING! So good job! You just earned yourself a gold star for the day!

>>53594741
>He would go into his ear, and whisper
Look. I don't like the rations either, and eat them on last resort. I just cook my own food. Once I'm out of the guard, I hope to become a chef. I can offer to cook the food, if you don't feel good.

>>53594682
Sir, I've taken the liberty of improving the fortifications of this forward base by laying spike traps around the perimeter. I've marked their positions on this map.
>he hands the commissar a piece of parchment

>>53594725
GOOD JOB TROOPER!

>He'd then shoot him in the other kneecap.

But you're getting ahead of yourself! ONLY I GET TOO SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE KNEECAPS!

>>53594729

Oh, well I'm SORRY THAT LITTLE BABY NEEDS TOO GO FOR HIS NAPPY-WAPPY!

As for my lack of "showmanship", you're god damn right! I leave that for the actual fighting!

>>53594741

An excellent use of your time trooper! I'd often have to take similar measures when I was in training! After we're done here, get yourself, and your equipment cleaned up!

>>53594832

Why in ROGAL DORN'S NAME, IS THIS MAP COVERED IN SHIT!?!

>>53594875
>>53594848
He would only stare after being shot in the other kneecap, and then say "fuck".
He would take a look at the map, and tell the commissar that is mud, not shit.

>>53594848
Not really, I'm quite well situated in the sleeping department. By which I mean I wake up bawling and pissing the sheets. And why the fuck would you show showmanship on a battlefield? That's quite dense, that there.

>>53594920
Why in the Gof Emperor's name, are you narrating your actions trooper!? You think this some kind of Noir holo-pict!?

...Actually... That might not be such a bad idea...

>He'd think to himself for a moment.

Keep doing what you're doing trooper, and you might just make it to Corporal!

>>53594741
Here is an idea for a dish involving grox, and based off elysian cuisine. It basically is a soup, and shreds the grox into the soup. It is made from fresh herbs, and spices. It is simple to make, and is very healthy.

>>53594956
Just like a baby, by which I mean bawling and pissing the sheets

>>53594970
I am a corporal, sir. I was transferred here from the Cadian troops to help with this regiment.

>>53595016
Offtopic: P.S. this is Lars Doomhammer

>>53594956
First off all, make sure you clean your sheets later today! We don't need the place smelling worse than it already does!

Secondly; sometimes I like to switch things up a bit while on the battlefield! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? IF SO, THAN TAKE IT UP WITH THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT!

>>53594971
I could make it for the troops during dusk.

>>53595016
Well, Corporal Doomhammer! Keep doing what you're doing and inspiring these half dead sacks of frozen meat!

>>53595016
Offtopic:
Probably his theme song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aQRq9hhekA

>>53595032
First of all, recognise sarcasm, second of all, you are the fucking complains department, you-"
>he proceeds to blurt out a line of words seemingly unknown to man
"-son of a cow's third testicle"

>>53595029
Not especially relevant at this time, but this thread is set in M39.

>>53595156
Thanks for the info mate.

>>53595145
*chuckle* where do you get these insults from? They aren't even insulting!

>>53595145
>He'd cross his arms over his chest, and would listen to the string of profanity rather carefully; occasionally nodding his head.

You've got balls talking to me that way, trooper. I'll give you that. Balls that an Ork would probably love to hang on his "Pointy stikk".

>He'd place a hand on the man's shoulder.

And I can respect a man whose willing to talk to his superior that way. But I can't let you get away with that. So....

*BLAMS*

ANYONE ELSE!?

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>>53593459
Oi ladz, 'erd ya gotz sum inspekshun goin' on 'ere, dat is. Da big golden boss sent me 'ere ta 'elp ya grotz.

>>53595351
My god! An ork
>He takes a shot at it from his lasgun. It is straight in the head.
Good. It has been neutralized.

>>53595351
That's a terrific looking Space Marine costume you're wearing there trooper! Make those filthy Xenos we're fighting, believe we actually have Space marines fighting alongside us! I never would have thought of such a clever and cunning tactic until now!

I hearby promote you to Sergeant, uhh... What did you say your name was again, trooper?

>>53595270
Wow. You even missed that, you fucking disgrace. You got the accuracy of an ork sniper, you twat.
>>53595244
>he flicks his lho at him, only to light up another one
All a courtesy of your mother, mate.

>>53595407
Wuz dat sapposed ta 'urt ya runt? I'z a Spehss Muhreen, not sum git. But dey'z orkses really are sum of da biggest, greenest and meanest gits, I tell ya dat

>>53595407
Don't shoot him you idiot! That's not how command works! I decide who needs to be shot, not you!

>>53595468
Yes sir!
>I say, with a discerning look.

>>53595443
The Xenos will deal with you! That, or the artillery fire will! Either or!
>>53595451
Good idea Sergeant! Keep telling people that you're a space marine! It'll really raise the morale around here, by making everyone think this wretched agri-world is worth a visit from the Emperor's Angels of Death!

>>53595451
He stares at the thing
My apologies, sir... I... I was cleaning my lasgun, until one of the new barrels which I installed failed. My apologies. This isn't a normal lasgun, this is a heavily modified M36 Kantreal Lasgun. I once killed an ork warboss with this gun.

>>53595519
Anyways, sir. I think it is time for supper to be served. I have a dish idea.

>>53595558
>>53595540
Yes. In fact, I think that I better get started with my task.

>>53595558
Oh? At this point, almost anything would be better than what the cooks are serving!

Just nothing made of human flesh!

>>53595582
I have also re-assembled the servitor which was broken.

>>53595451
And yes, those blasted Orks truely are a terrible race to deal with on the battlefield! Why they ever came to this tiny, little agri-world, I'll never understand! There are far better planets to attack in this system!

>>53595585
Here is the dish:
>>53594971
I also have plans for a hearty bread dish to be served, along with roasted lamb with elysian rosemary. There is also some victory wine being served as well.

>>53595631
I agree. Some farmers have been complaining about feral orks taking their crops. They request for us to deal with them.

>>53595631
Or are we facing Necron? I can't remember... For that matter, I'm not even sure what kind of a regiment this is... I was told this was a Cadian regiment!

>>53595631
>a wild-eyed man stumbles towards the line, occasional spurts of noxious coloured gas puffing from his rebreather
Hehehey, Commissar. Am I in time for *cough* inspection?
>he twitches, wheezing slightly

>>53595642
Victory w-wine? Why *cough* wait for the victory, eh? Crack it open!

>>53595666
This isn't a cadian regiment, sir. One raised from the system of Dogaba. I am from cadia, and I'm here to train some of these troops.

>>53595642
No wine fore, thank you! I act a little... Strange... When under the influence of alcohol...

>Intense flashbacks of a drunken Commissar...

You hit one little exterminatus button, and suddenly, YOUR THE BAD GUY!

>the guardsman is wearing a badly damaged flak armor that is missing a few chunks and a helmet full of pockmarks
>armed with a lasgun with a broken bayonet
>the trooper littered with bandages and
Reporting Sir!

>>53595670
I am making the dish soon. I must change, first. Let me take off this bulky armor.
>From the face of it shows a man who has many scars, especially one on his left eye. He has distinct maori features, and he looks stern, a man well in the middle of his 20's.

>>53595670
No! You're late! And you better not have been late because you were out playing in the Mustard gas fields to the east again!

>>53595725
You are late, then. Where were you? Anyways, I am cooking a dish(s). Alright, I believe it is done. We will begin preparations soon.

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what was dis about orks? I was told there'd be tyranids! ye administratum lads coulnt tack papers much less give actual info.

Since im here might as well have some fun with ye ork problem. Oh yea the equipment, that's me royal hammer. Its got a shotgun here and breaks open here, here's me boltpistol there's da book o grudges. I left my trike on my ship, ye want me to go get it?

I fink I 'erd da boyz sayin' dey want to use dis world jus' as a distrakshun ta loot da planit on da far outside uf da system, maybe we betta go dere and not fight on dis planit 'ere, dere's nuffin 'ere anyway, no titans ta loot lyin' unda da earth, ya know.

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>>53593459
Are you threatening me?

>>53595725
...

>He'd storm up to the man, an angered look in his one good eye.
>He stare at him silently for a moment, before flicking off a piece of debris from hair.

Late, AND you have the audacity to arrive covered in garbage! What do you have to say for yourself, trooper?

>>53595804
Welcome there, come sit. We are serving dinner for the time being, before we strike.

>>53595871
Now thats more like it. Hang on i got a couple bottles here...
>casually pulls 2 bottles of squat mushroom beer from his armour
there we go. Also, did i mention the hammer's also a power maul? Woulnt be worth much if it wasnt i s'pose. Said yer name was Lars right?

>>53595807
You don't know that, there could be some weird artifact, or STC.

>>53595828
Another Commissar!? What is the meaning of this! I was told I was the only Commissar in this regiment!

>>53595804

I'm not even sure "What" we're fighting anymore!

As for your equipment, I don't care what it is, so long as you have "Something".

>>53595807

Well Sergeant whatever your name is. We're here, so we might as well earned a little glory, and kill well... Whatever it is we're supposed to be fighting against.

>>53595745
Aw, c-come on sir - a bit of mustard gas *wheeze* never hurt anyone!

>>53595804
N-No tyranids? Damn shame; you ever had concentrated Tervigon ichor? Wakes ya right up, I'm tellin' ya.

>>53595917
Oho, what ya got there pally? Fancy *giggle* sharin'?

>>53595965
Just the thousand plus men, that we accidentally killed, when we fired all that mustard gas into the area! Plus, you're late for inspection because you were playing in it!

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I think the catachans have something they want you 'inspect', sir

>>53595930
>>53595958
Yes, yes, sum afi...atri...sum flashy bitz, but it'z on da uvva side of da planet, da boss, da one wiv da biggest hat told me! Betta go dere fast or da boss krumps us!

>>53595519
>The weary eyed man would sigh
"If only they could fucking succeed for once"
>>53595917
"Is that squat beer, mate?"
>he looks at the man, licking his lho and lighting another one

>>53596095
Someone here has a BIGGER hat than me! HOW DARE THEY! DON'T THEY KNOW HOW MUCH WORK I WENT THROUGH TO EARN THIS HAT!?!

>>53596109

Give me a week, and I'll make damn SURE that you die honourably in the name of the Emperor, trooper whatever your name is!

>>53596109
Of course it is! Damn good thing i had some in my ship when the Age of the end came. Managed to engineer squat mushrooms back from extinction to make as much ale as needed. Took me a solid 50 years to do that.
>>53595965
'Course lad. The best way to enjoy alcohol is with people.
>he hands him another bottle from his armour.

>>53596168
It'z da big boss, an' 'e wants ya all movin' to da uvva side of da planit, dats were da boyz gunna start a scrappin.

>>53596213
Strange? I just read a report this morning talking about enemy movement fifteen miles west of here... Plus all the satellite imagery says that most of the Orks are gathering there.... What proof of this do you have Sergeant?

>>53596179
Emprah bless ya, sir!
>he screws the bottle into one of the myriad ports on his rebreather, which lets out a hiss
>his eyes roll back as the bottle drains
Damn, that's s-some good liquor.

>>53596213
Say, I ain't never seen a guardsman so, uh... green before - where you from, my man?

>>53596298
Ye should be careful there, lad. Marines used to say that squat mushroom ale was only slightly less powerful than fenrisian ale with a more hearty taste. ye'll end up face down in 2 minutes if you drink so fast.

>>53596262
Nah, doze reports been wrong, sum git must 'ave mixin' dem up, or ya'z holdin' dem on da wrong side.

>>53596298
Drank a lot of da squig beer in da mornin', ya want sum?

>>53596356
How da hell did ye get yer hands on squig beer? Only Orks can make that awful excuse for a drink.

>>53596356
I'll t-take whatever you're *hack* offerin', man.
>he unscrews a tube from his respirator and sticks a funnel in the end
Just pour it riiight in here.

>>53596335
Hah, it'll take more than that to keep me... to keep me do... down...
>he wobbles, before sinking slowly to the ground
>after a few seconds, rasping snores can be heard

>>53596356
Oh no, I shan't be making THAT sort of mistake again! Never again will o read a report the wrong way! It always leads to trouble!

>>53596384

I'll beat the good Sergeant lead a cunning and sneaky assault into the enemy base, and stole it all, in order to lower their morale! Which to that I say, "good work, Sergeant"!

>>53596444
Look at him over there! Filling the Box waves with static like noises, all in an effort to confuse the enemy into thinking their communication devices are malfunctioning! Good work trooper!

>>53596089
Again? It had better not be them wanting to show me, what the inside of a Tyranid's anus looks like!

>>53596537
Da bugs don' 'ave a poopa. I knowz dat, chopped one up from da inside after 'e swallowed me 'ole

>>53595865
I had to hobble from the medical tent then to the armory.

The enginseer won't give me new gear, so i had to wear my old one.

>>53596631
You should have thought about that, BEFORE you went and got shot at! Maybe now, you'll learn not to let the enemy shoot at you!

>>53596168
Oh, is that so? Well your mother was frankly screaming it all night, ought to listen more carefully
>>53596179
>he chuckles
Ah, no better way to deal with the miserable toil that is life than fine squat ale. Makes you forget in seconds.

>>53596335
>a small vial attached to one of the mask's tubes empties itself with a hiss, and a red LED next to it switches on
>he immediately sits bolt upright
Wuh! You, sir, are a damn saint! I ain't had nothin' that good in a long time.

>>53596505
>he looks proud, if somewhat confused
Thank you, sir! D-Did you know I finished n-nearly *cough* first in the class for my VoxOp course? Thems the sorta advanced tactics you gotta know at the top, I'm tellin' ya!
>he straightens out an antenna protruding from the vox unit, bent from the sudden fall

>>53596694
...

*BLAM!*

Alright, what have I missed? Who wants to go kill some orks!

>>53596694
I s'pose so. here, have another
>he hands another bottle
>>53596754
No problem, private. Nice thing about squat ale is dat its technicly not alcohol. It has all the effects of alcohol right into the mushroom and distilling it simply increases its effects while keeping most fine motor controls intact.

>>53596754
Thats the kind of ambition that this regiment is in DIRE need of!

I hereby promote you to Corporal, and I'm designating you as regiment's offical communications officer!

>>53596792
Well then. I've tried Elysian spirits, and they are very strong
>He sniffs it, and gulps down the whole bottle!
This *hic* tastes so good.

>>53596766
You just like wasting bullets, don't you, sir? I mean if only your father shot blanks like you do, and we wouldn't even be standing here today?
>>53596792
>he takes it and sips with a pleased sigh
You sir, are a scholar and a gentleman

>>53596792
Do they *hic* still maka this!*hic!*

>>53596776
Good idea Corporal! We should display our regiment's obvious tactical brilliance and superiority upon the enemy!

>>53596860
Ehh. not really a Scholar. Im a prince, i got education in politics, diplomacy, history. y'know, things like that.
>>53596864
Not really considering any biomass on the squat planets have been eaten up since a couple hundred years ago. As far as i know im the only one with some.

>>53596890
Does *hic* my dishes taste good? What do you think?

>>53596905
That's a phrase, mate. It means you're not a complete and utter tit. For now.
>he sips the ale

>>53596911
Yes, it's fine, it's fine. A little too spicy for me, and could have used more sauce. But that's not important right now! What is important, is showing these foul green skins our true might, and tactical genius!

ALL GUARDSMEN! PREPARE FOR BATTLE!

>>53596961
Oi mate, ye mind if i help in leadin the charge and all? I think i might have more experience here. Might be useful.

>>53596961
Sure thing, boss!
>He blindly stumbles, and fits his armor on him. He takes his modified lasgun, and heads out with the squat on this trike.
I'z okay! Totally!
>He quickly takes a drug to try to get him out of his stupor.

>>53596911
Wuz already dead, I like 'em moar floppy, like dem squigs.

>>53596961
But da boss said we'z gotta go to da uvva side uf da planet.

>>53596983
In an advisory capacity, but nothing else!

>>53596961
AYE SIR!
I'd be hitching on a Sentinel if you don't mind.

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>>53593459
uhhhh do I need to participate in this?

>>53597001
Quiet Sergeant! Our glory is at hand! Our might is pure, and rightous! We are his mighty hammer! And the enemy shall know our names!

>>53597017
>I quickly regain my senses
Okay then, I'll be shotgun!

>>53597016
Perfect.

ALRIGHT MEN, YOU GUYS FOLLOW ME THAT WAY, SQUAD OVER THERE WILL GO THAT WAY AND FLANK THE OPPONENTS WHILE I DISTRACT THEM WITH MY TRIKE AND THIS

>he pulls out a large-ass chainlance with a dial seemingly set on "Lascannon"

FOR THE ANCEST-I MEAN EMPEROR!

>>53596961
Right on, you have fun with that.
>He sips his drink
What's the enemy anyways?

>>53597049
Hot-diggity sir.
For the emprah.

>>53597040
Of course you have to participate in this, Tech-priest! You're apart of this regiment! Whatever regiment this is... And as such, you will participate in all activities it is involved in!

>>53597065
Move move!
>I fire off lasgun into the night, as the bolts hit orks and they slowly die!
DIE! DIE! DIE!
>The whoosh of a grenade launcher fills the air, with the bodies of dead gretchins flying over the place.

>>53597093
Ok I've got my robes, my medicae mechadendrite, a multimelta, a multimelta a multimelta a multimelta, a multimelta, a multimelta, melta bomb and a hotshot lazpistol

>>53597088
Move up! I need to shoot the buggers!
>BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
FIRE OFF THE CANNON!

>>53597093
COMMISAR, CONSTANTIN IS BACK FROM KRUMPING GROUNDS.
GREEN MEN CRACKED THE LINE, WE LOST.
AM SORRY.

Where the hell is the inspiring music when you need it?

CORPORAL VAN KLEZ!!!

Well finally we get to do sum krumpin'! If ya hit it, it's sum git of da enemy, if ya don' hit it'S ya own boyz! Jus' like da Boss said!

>>53597140
God dammit! We need to cover that flank! Fire the gas!

>>53597140
That is fine, Ogryn! Your reinforcements have arrived, and we shall make the Orks BOW before our holy might!

ONWARDS MEN! FOR TERRA! FOR VICTORY! CHAAAAAAAAAAAARGE~!!!

>>53597143
> sings Squat warchants (A.K.A.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oT2VO6sDnGc )

>Charging headfist, chainlance dicing trough orks and shooting lascannon shots on trukks

Hold yourself we're turning tight!

>>53597179
>He wildly fires off his gun, and throws a grenade, until he sees more armor.
Sir! We need the AT! THEY HAVE ARMOR, AND LOTS OF IT. I SPOT THREE LOOTED RUSSES, A LOOTED CHIMERA, AND A ELDAR HORNET!

>>53597179
IF YOU SAYS SO, COMMISSAR!
>The Ogryn, with his resolve bolstered by the commissar's words, leaps back within the fray, clubbing ork boyz over the head with his Ripper Gun

>>53597226
Good thing I brought 60 multimeltas and 12 meltas bombs. Here catch!

>>53597226
HAVE SECOND PLATOON FLANK FROM THE RIGHT, WHILE FIFTH PLATOON KEEPS THEM BUSY!

WHERE THE HELL ARE OUR MORTARS?

>>53597226
Alright. >>53597261
>He grabs a bomb, and with a lucky throw tracks one of the russes and disables the other.
>>53597265
SIR YES SIR! MOVE MOVE! TAKE THEM DOWN!

>>53597226
I need backup! I cant shoot them when i need to chop orks chomping at my trike!

>>53597138
Firing!
Wait? How do i go forward?
>spins the cockpit several times
Shit. here it is.
Lets go!

>>53597279
Nice throw! have you ever considered joining the Skitarii?

>>53597282
YOU WILL HAVE IT, SQUATTIE!
>The Ogryn begins covering his Squat comrade, emptying mag after mag of Ripper Gun slugs into the wave of Boyz

>>53597290
No I don't want to become a robot!
>He fires off his lasgun erratically into the wartrukk which appeared, and threw another grenade!
There, 30 for one! Woohoo! Take them down!

>>53597311
Here's some real mastercraft weapon, You gutless incompetent bunyon-brained arse!

>Fires the lascannon shot from the chainlance, going clear trough a nob and the chimera

>calmly wanders over to a random spot, flicking off yet another lho and lighting another one, as he sets up a mine and sticks in a sign saying "free loot"
>he exits the explosion radius and sits on a rock, observing

>he mutters feverishly into the mouthpiece of the vox
Command, this is 13th Brigade, Charlie Platoon, squad Uniform, engagin'... uh, engagin' someone. Over.

>>53597143
Y-yes sir!
>he twiddles with a dial until the radio bursts into life with a hiss of static: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40JmEj0_aVM

>>53597160
M-more gas? *cough* It's my lucky day!

>>53597282
>arrives running
I hear there was need of backup and other troopers dead so I come be of backup here comrades
>squats down and starts firing her lascannon in a general orkish direction

Someone told me there was a chimera that needed to get fixed

Where is it ?

>>53597351
I..AM.... DOOMHAMMER!
>He takes an ork choppa and chops through hordes of orks, and goes to the warboss
Do you want to die! Because this is how you die!
>He throws the massive choppa into his second lackey, and grabs a ripper from a dead Ogryn
DIE! DIE!
>He could feel the pain as he broke his wrist from the recoil, but the ork was there, standing
That is it!
>He stuffs three grenades in his mouth, and runs away to a distance. There he detonates it, and the entire camp explodes in shades of red and orange!

>>53597356
Fucking grade A slice of kek!

>>53597354
Keep pushing these motherless bastards back! Do as the ecclesiarchy does, and throes things at them, if you must! But we will defeat these foul Xenos! For there shall be no retreat! No surrender! FOR THE EMPEROR!

>>53597143
I am of having inspirational music Commissar!

https://youtu.be/-b5X69vREAg

>>53597396
oh look a wartrukk
>He fires a multimelta at the trukk missing several time before colliding with the engine causing a larger explosion
I need to work on my marksmanship

>>53597412
>This is doomhammer! The warboss is dead, the troops have no morale now! Charge with all you've got!

>>>53597417
>Fires another lascannon shot at the remaining Leman Russ only to do a sick jump on a pile of dead orks and guardsmen into the Hornet where he jumps off with the Royal hammer and smashes his way inside with a resounding humm and then a WHUMP!!

Ooh boy im a bit shaken from that..
>he pulls out a bottle of ale and drinks it calmly as he shoots the ork piloting the hornet with his boltpistol

Anybody know how you drive a hornet? Ah cant be too hard, im drunk enough to drive this...

>>53597433
IT IS SIMPLE, MECHFRIEND.
>The Ogryn takes position by the cogboy's side
YOU POINT
>Constantin sticks his Ripper Gun in a Nob's mouth
AND SHOOT
>The Nob suddently lacks a head as his upper body is obliterated by the Ripper Gun's firepower

>>53597265
>he shouts into the vox over the various inspirational tunes blasting over the battlefield
4th mortars? Yeah, fire s-support on 255, 127 - nah, make that 129 - if ya *hack* please. Over
>he grins as the bombs arc over the treeline, streaming orange, and vapourise an approaching mob of orks

>>53597433
Please aim better, we don't want any collateral damage
> he swings his cog axe into a boyz head

>>53597485
>glances over the spectacle in the sentinel
Fuckin hell.
>continues to strafe and step orks
Who's a chicken now you greenskinned bitches?

>>53597518
This is doomhammer! Charge, the warboss is dead!

>>53597480
ok well there is a deffkopta lets see, point, aim ,shoot
>he fires his multimelta hitting the turbines directly and causing another explosion.
Better?

>>53597523
That's a good.
was really thinking i'd lose a limb before this is over.

>>53597524
LEARN FAST, YES
>The Ogryn moves on deeper into the ork horde, carving a bloody line in the orks' numbers before stopping at the blown up carcass of a Leman Russ. Constantin jumps over into the destroyed vehicle, sticking only his head and gun out, using it as makeshift cover.

>>53597523
>rises up from her squat and starts advancing on the orks, shooting left and right
>an ork head explodes and covers her in green muck
Haha, battlefield showers!

>>53597485
Excellent work Corporal! Tell the mortar teams to target 88.971 by 42.118!
>>53597468
>>53597465
PRESS THE ATTACK!

>>53597432
LET THE MARCHING OF OUR FEET SHAKE THE EARTH BENEATH US, AND INSTILL FEAR IN THESE ORKS! LET THEM NOW, THAT THE VERY EARTH THEY STAND UPON BELONGS TO THE THE EMPEROR!

>>53597396

Oh? Yeah, it's just over there. You can't miss it!

KILL THOSE FOUL GREEN SKINS!

>>53597591
AVE IMPERATOR!

>>53597591
Understood, going to the designated position
>he run to the chimera, activating the powerlifting mechadendrite

>>53597591
>Hornet is falling down on a large group of orks
Fuck it i cant drive this! And i tought we made overly complex stuff!
>Jumps off and lands safely on an ork due to his armor and the fact that orks was pretty squishy

Alright. ILL KUMP ALL YE GITS AINT WORF MOAR DAN QUADRAPLEGIC SNOTLINGS!

>The hammer crackles in powertechnelogy and the sound of shotgun blasts ring around him.

>>53597396
Forget the chimera help me with this leman russ
>he points at the fallen leman russ the ogryn is crouching behind

>>53597579
Trooper! I need you and your squad providing covering fire too first platoon!

>>53597618

Rex! I need a squad blocking off the Orks retreat! These feral Orks shall not retreat this day!

>>53597591
YES COMMISSAR!

>>53597468
>reaches the hornet
>yells at Kazrik
What you is of meaning sitting in stupid thing, fly?
Just crash it into orks.

>>53597643
>BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
There you are
>After the lasgun dealt with the orks, he handed him a plasma gun
Here, I found these. Let's get to the main group, I have stolen a looted Tau Piranha! Don't ask how they have it, lets go!

>>53597677
>its already crashed in the middle of orks and on fire.

>>53597665
Njet Commissar, DON'T SHOOT ME, my squad is non-responsive because of squad being dead.
>goes back a bit to be able to offer cover fire to first platoon

>>53597591
Yes-s sir, with p-pleasure!
4th? You still there? Volley fire on 88.971, 42.118, stat! Over.
>more teeth-rattling explosions shake the battlefield

>>53597643
Ah shit, didn't know the Eldar were gettin' invol- oh.
Ironhammer! What have we told ya about *wheeze* dickin' about with xenos tech?

>>53597694
Get into the Piranha!

>>53597694
i need to get my eyes or reading comprehension checked

>>53597681
>>53597715

Thanks, lad.
>casually smashes an ork into a fine red paste

Im fine with my hammer.
>He breaks it open and loads in a couple shells and gets inside the piranha.
>>53597714
I AM A FUKKEN XENO, TWAT!

>>53597737
you idiot your an abhuman!

>>53597737
Xenos? In my squad?

>>53597750
Say that to the inquisitors that keep on hailing my god damned ship!

>>53597652
This leman Russ is lost, there is no way we can fix it on this battle field, plus I don't know the canticle to repair it
So come and help me fix this chimera !!!

>>53597737
Alright, how the hell do I operate this? Lets see
>He starts pressing random buttons, and he rises up drastically and fires his guns wildly
AHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL! HOLD UP, THIS IS GONNA GET WIIIIIIIIIIILD!!!!!!!
>The pirahna fires its plasma erratically and spins around
Hold on! I got this!
>He fires off the entire payload of missiles, and it obliderates the orks after hittign their fuel
TAKE THEM DOWN!
>His elbow hits another button, and this leads him to crash straight into the parked chimera which the engineer fixed, and both of them survive, albeit nauseous.

>>53597706
Dammit! Alright, do what you can, I'll have Ironhammer divert to your location!

>>53597694
Ironhammer, come in! I need you to divert towards what's left of fifth squad! I don't care how, but I need you there!

>>53597763
He's an abhuman like the ogryn
>>53597767
thats because inqusitors are idiots
>>53597771
On my way but you do know I study biology not engineering mostly

>>53597783
Argh! here this should help
>He throws lars another bottle of ale
>>53597797
Alright, im on my way!
>he pulls out a small dial and presses a big red button wherein his trike begins roaring in his direction which he hops on and begin riding towards the fifth squad. firing round after round of his chainlance on hellgun setting.

>>53597839
>Over the smoldering wreck of the chimera and the piranha, and a screaming engineer, he slowly drinks the ale
This *hic* is the best!

>>53597783
Heh... That looked painful... And wasteful... I guess someone will need a bolt shell later. That is... If they somehow survived the crash.

>He'd fire a series of bolt rounds into a fleeing Orks. Turning him to fleshy paste.

>>53597737
>he hesitates, seemingly unsure of what to make of this new knowledge
Yeah, but you're the good kinda *wheeze* xeno, not like these green bastards, right?
>he gestures to a group of gretchin with one hand, while burning holes in them with a hellpistol in the other hand
>the hellpistol looks far more expensive than he could possibly afford, albeit slightly battered

>>53597783
Bloody hell, where did that t-thing come from? An' where can I get me one?

>>53597880
I stole it, and I only used it to escape because we were stuck.

>>53597880
Not from that pile of twisted metal, and broken up vehicle chassis. That's for Emperor sure!

And especially not when I'm around!

>>53597880
Its eldar technology, dont trust em or their weapons!

>>53597880
that one looks like it was made on voss.

>>53597797
Commissar *sniff* is the commissar... is he... is he sending troop so I is not of dying for emperor?
>fervor to kill orks intensifies

>continues firing at whatever is left of the orks after yet another explosion >>53597783
It is starting to smell of babushka's roasted mushroom pie

>>53597904
oh wait your not talking about the chimera are you? no idea then

>>53597916
I think.... yes! Bloody hell! They are retreating! Orks are actually retreating! Let's hold our ground for a while.

>>53597783
WHAT THE FRAKK WAS THAT ???
BY THE OMNISSIAH YOU'LL HAVE US KILLED

>>53597944
They wont have us killed when
>He plants several explosives, and takes him to a safe spot
When it is detonated!
>BOOM!

>>53597944
eh whats a little tech heresy between friends? Besides squats fall outside our jurisdiction when it comes to technology

>>53597901
This, coming from the man, who's race used to use eldar hydroponics technology to make food!

That's probably the reason the Inquisition sees you as a Xenos as well!

>>53597916
Well, at the very least, you aren't going to die alone. That's for sure.

>>53597939
No! Push the attack Corporal! Leave no survivors!

>>53597916
So there, trooper. When did you join? My visor is damaged, are you male or female?

>>53598004
No, commissar. We need to rest, and recuperate. We aren't skiitarii.

>>53598029
I can fix that!

>keeps firing at the orks and just doing circles around them and chopping heads off

FREE BOTTLE OF ALE TO THOSE THAT KEEP FIGHTIN'!

>>53598036
Don't. Or else you'll have a hole through your head.

>>53597897
>>53597901
>>53597904
Voss-pattern P-Pirahna, eh? I like that excuse.

>>53597962
Aw, just when *wheeze* it was getting fun!

>>53597939
O-Orks? Retreating? That'd be *cough* a first. Prolly just some 'kunnin' plan, I betcha. They'll be back b-before we can finish our post-battle drinks.

>>53598044
Actually, on second thought.
Keep fighting, take the orks who didn't retreat!

>>53598048
hey we're all friends here it was a friendly offer.
>>53598055
whats a little tech heresy between friends? I cover for you you cover for me...hold this gauss blaster would you?

>>53597916
Who are you?

>>53597987
We all die not alone for Emperor is with us.

>>53598008
*grumbles*
I am soldier, comrade, of female genetic but soldier first.
I have been in regiment in fifth squad. Now I am fifth squad. That's how I come here.

>>53598106
Right! Valhallan, eh? I was born on Cadia, but moved to Elysia.

>>53598106
Here, take this
>He hands her a spare version of his rifle
It is so much better than the shitty ones which are given by the munitorum.

>>53598106
Let us charge! FOR THE EMPRAH!

>>53598087
Tech heresy between friends be like putting penis up wrong end between friends, you think it is mere good time but you are really stirring shit

>>53598136
Da, I think the accent does me betrayal.

>>53598154
How come you have fine weapon like this to give away to mere soldier?

Hey guys, need any help?

>>53598188
just dont get caught! have a multimelta

>>53598188
I'm a corporal, started out like you did. I just collected parts and modified my lasgun.

>>53598044
>>53598065
That's the spirit! And while I don't approve of alcohol consumption on the battlefield, I will if it leads us to victory!
>>53598036
Let's leave that as option two.

>>53598106

Yes, but atleast if you die now, you'll have somebody following you very closely to his glorious embrace!

AND IM NOT UEARING THAT MUSIC ANYMORE, CORPORAL VAN KLEZ!

>Meanwhile kazrik is still smashing down orks on top of his trike when he suddenly gets hit in the back of the head with a choppa

Agh F-fuck!
>He fucking legs it the other way, bleeding profusely
Im gonna need a m-medic!

>>53598216
>>53598209
Sir! They are attacking in greater force, being led by a variety of Eldar, Imperial, and Chaos tanks. Their command vehicle is a souped up... Immolator? And why the fuck is that warboss wearing Sister of Battle power armour!?

>>53598188
grade A kek right there. Gotta remember that one!

Less talking, more firing! I'm way too much green, and not enough red over there!

>>53598229
on my way! Medicae Mechadendrite Go!
>>53598243
what the fuck

>>53598229
Don't worry, I'm a biomancer, I can help!

>>53598258
I agree! We can take some pics of it for our humour, but we must charge!

>>53598188
>>53598209
Thass a g-goood point, Lars - how'd ya get all this swish kit, anyway? You collect it like I 'collected' this zapper?

>>53598192
Ah shite, stand away from me when ya head explodes, will ya? Until then, welcome to the squad, glad to have someone to make more things blow up!

>>53598216
Damn thing's on the fritz, sir. Lemme, uh, commune with the m-machine spirit.
>he bashes the vox a few times and the music sputters back into life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjwWjx7Cw8I

>>53598243
>>53598229
A bottle of Amasec from my personal collection, too whomever kills that blasted Warboss!

Failing that, the promise of a "Get out of one free Blamming", to whomever is the last person to retreat!

>>53598280
>>53598258
Dont care who does it just Fix it! This is the worst headache ive had.
>stops his trike once he's safe and begins heavily drinking to dull the pain. once Cogboy or Jim are close there's a small pile of empty bottles.

>>53598313
I AGREE! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT ALL DOWN!

>>53598301
you charge i'll keep your fleshy bits indide your meat suit.
>>53598326
Don't worry im a magos genetor fixing meatbags is my specialty

>>53598342
Just dont touch me armor. its older than your fabricator general.

>>53598313
A-Amasec? You mean the reeeal stuff?
>he screams down the vox, his voice hoarse
4TH, 5TH, 6TH, VOLLEY FIRE ON 90.653, 50.050, DO NOT FUCKIN' STOP! OVER!

>>53598331
>>53598326
I think we have weakened them after the bombardment! Charge! Bring up the flamers, and the lasguns!

>>53598326
Charging magi-arghbgbeuvb
>Begins bleeding heavily from the nose
I'm fine, just a little strain, you should be as good as new.

>>53598202
>has now a better lasgun and a multimelta
this is not like documentation!
>>53598209
m...modified
That is of tech-heresy!
TECHPRIEST? SOMEONE IS MODIFYING LASGUNS!

>>53598313
>drops everything
>speeds away with the multimelta and special gun tearing through whatever orks there are
I is not of being held back by anything. That amasec be of mine.

File: Mechadendrite,_Medicae.jpg (22 KB, 392x209)

22 KB JPG

>>53598358
just stop squirming!
> he begins to staple and stitch the flesh of the squat back together while giving him a blood transfusion
>>53598376
like I said whats a little tech heresy between friends

>>53598363
5TH RESPONDING I IS ALREADY UNDER THE WAY
>carbonated ork bits fly around

>>53598376
Relax, its not tech-heresy. And besides, its simple stuff, like silencers, muzzles, scopes, lasers, grenade launchers. And this is a M36.

>>53598409
>doesn't care or listen anymore is carving a path of dead ork corpses to get the warboss

>>53598312
Meh, not your best selection Corporal. B- for the effort though.
>>53598331
>>53598363
>>53598376
And that's how you truly inspire men to do their greatest work.

>>53598419
Let us charge!
>He quickly snipes an ork from taking the sentinel, jumps up, and takes control of it, firing and stomping on the green buggers.

>>53598420
its like you promised a forge world an STC

>>53598374
>>53598381
Thanks, docs!

>gets back up on his trike and charges again.
Alright im ending this battle!

>Cranks the dial to "TurbolaseR"
Stand back this one is going to fucking carve em!
>Fires, the whole trike slowing down to a stop from the force of the shot, going trough a line of orks until it pierces right trough the immolator, making it go boom somehow
well thats out of battery.

>>53598444
HAVE A MULTIMELTA, CATCH!

>>53598398
>A lone tear would run down the dirt covered cheek of the Commissar.

It... Its beautiful *sniffle*... Its the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life *sniffle*. This was the greatest plan I've ever had in my life.

>>53598458
Where in the ancestor's name did you get that thing?
>Begins recklessly firing it while doing a reb brown impression

>>53598437
I know.
>He'd wipe away the lone tear from his eye.

Its like the Emperor himself has taken control of them, and is forcing them to slay his enemies in the most profound, and amazing ways imaginable.

>>53598478
>screaming across the battlefield via built in vox caster
I BROUGHT 60 AND 12 MELTA BOMBS

>>53598420
Eh, don't blame me sir - j-just what they're playin' on one of these j-janky local frequencies. Guess it's comin' from the hive over yonder.

>>53598398
>the ground shakes as 4th Mortars and 6th Basilisk detachment rain fire on the warboss' position
Shit, they told me 5th Support was a gunnery team, not *cough* a singular gunner! Ah w-well, more Amasec for the rest of us, eh?

>>53598478
I'm not s-sure I even wanna know where the t-techpriest pulls his gizmos from. I t-think he *wheeze* gives birth to them.

>>53598495
>Also screaming into vox caster
I BARELY PASSED THE ASTRA TELEPATHICA DISCIPLINE TESTS

>>53598495
>grabs another one because the other one is out of ammo
Nobody here can carry one but me and maybe you or the commisar! But fuck was it not a good idea.

>>53598530
IM CARRING ALL OF THEM BUT 5 RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND AN TARGET TO FIRE ALL OF THEM AT ONCE AT

>>53598436
>>53598419
>continues charging through the ork mass, closing in on the warboss
It be time for battle chant!
https://youtu.be/04F4xlWSFh0

>>53598546
THE WARBOSS! AIM FOR THE WARBOSS

>>53598604
>begins slowly cutting his way trough orks using the multimelta until he's up agaisnt the warboss in which point he grabs his hammer

YOUZ BETTA BE WORF KRUMPIN, GIT!

>>53598604
im gonna shoot that morkanaut instead
>he begins rapidly firing droping and palming another multimelta untill 55 multimeltas are on the ground and the Morkanaut is a pile of warm slag
This is gonna be a pain to get back in the robes

>>53598638
>stands next to Kazrik
I'll aim for his legs with the multimelta! Keep your eye on whatever that cutting thing he has!

>>53598549
That's a B for effort Trooper, and a C- for choice! Now kill that damned Warboss! I don't care if you have too throw two hundred men at him!

>Begins fighting the warboss. matching each powerklaw hit with his powermaul and firing occasional shotgun shots at him

Thats a powerKlaw, lass and you better not get close to it! Ive got about 50cm of adamantium armour, you dont!

>>53598711
>after some brief mumbling on the vox, a basilisk shell detonates mere feet from the warboss' Immolator, tearing it in half and fully exposing the boss and his crew
He's wide open! Mess him up, my man, an' gimme some of the Amasec once yer done!

>>53598841
Thanks corporal!
>Revs up for a massive baseball-style swing and smashes the unarmored warboss, tearing a gigantic hole in his body. The warboss then delivers a massive hit, sending kazrik fly a couple meters away as the warboss dies slowly

>>53598885
DO I NEED TO PATCH YOU YP AGAIN

>>53598899
Urgh, probably not. just a couple broken bones. no big deal. Did i get him?

>>53598914
according to my auspex he is now paste

>>53598935
The ancestors blessed up this day! Drinks on me! *dry cough and a bit of blood*

>>53598914
Mostly! Although I don't think a power law is supposed to move on its own, without a body!

>gets hit by a shell blast right on the helmet
>falls down unconscious like a sack of potatoes
it's way too late where I live guys, good luck with the thread, player out

>>53598967
and i forgot to namefag. i need sleep

>>53598955
Orks are tough. I think that was more muscle memory than anythin...

>>53599009
Well, I keep my promises. Once this battle is over, I'll get you your drink. Is a bottle of 39,999 good enough?

>>53599131
Dosent have to be strong to be good.

>>53599131
Don't suppose you could spare *cough* a couple more bottles for the s-squad's stellar performance as a whole, eh Commissar?
>he gives him a conspiratorial nudge and waggles his singed eyebrows

Hooray! we are victorious thank you for helping me field test my miniaturized multi meltas. Not a single one exploded violently progress!

>>53599213
I'm just glad I didn't have another seisure.

>>53599283
Yeah, your head's still intact. You sure you're a real psyker?

>>53599184
I could just water down a couple of mine, corporal. Would that do the job?

>>53599184
I don't think so. I stated that too whomever killed him, would get a "bottle", not "bottles. The rest of you can get drink off the taste of sweet victory; after, we've finished off the Orks!

sorry I was gone. I went and made some fish for dinner.

>>53599398
H-Hey, booze is booze - how *cough* could I say no to such a generous offer?

>>53599283
Why wasn't I told we had a psyker here? Are you a psyker primaris, or part of a psyker choir?
>>53599329
Corporal! Why wasn't I told that we had a psyker in our midst!

>>53599657
>wheels his trike away from the battlezone, holding his stomach. stops at kleez and pulls out a dozen bottles.
Should be enough for your squad i believe.

>>53599679
He just kinda turned up mid-battle, sir, so I reckoned we could use the reinforcement. 'Sides, he's been very well behaved, only blowing up the enemy an' such.

>>53599711
Emprah's most holy balls, this'll keep me- I mean, will keep us going for days! Well, hours at least. Many thanks to ya, sir!

>>53599711
Ah hahaha! Look at those Orks bastards try to fight back! They won't last much longer, without their tanks and flyers! This is officially the greatest moment of my LIFE! Nothing could possibly ruin this moment!

>>53599869
Ye should watch out saying dem words on the battlefield, lad.
>shoots down a couple orks with his boltpistol as he continues walking away
Those are fate's fightin words they are.

>>53599909
Screw fate! We've earned this victory!

>>53599944
Damn right. Ye should have seen what entire squat armies could do. now THAT was something to behold. and so were the celebrations after that.

>>53600009
The only thing that could ruin this momentous day, is finding out that this is some sort of penal regiment!

>>53600120
Penal regiment or not its not like it matters ta me. But i must say, would be quite disapointing for you lot!

>>53600120
Hah, what a s-shame that would be. Now you mention it, what was the name of this regiment again? They *cough* didn't tell me when I was transferred.
>as he speaks, he screws a suspicious looking canister into a valve on his respirator and breathes deeply, his eyelids fluttering

>>53600303
I've yet to figure that out myself Corporal. No one has yet to tell me what this regiment is.

>>53594572
>The Gremlyns grudgingly begin to rearrange their explosives into a slightly more uniform configuration. When they have, the front of their uniforms are quite literally COVERED in demolition charges, pipe bombs, and detonators.

>Their belts are similarly lined with various grenades and trap-making materials, explosive and otherwise. If one of them was shot, a good ten meter radius would be going with them.

>Gremlyn B finally finds a place to put his las pistol before addressing the Commissar.

"So uh, Commissar...er...sir. Are you going to be PERMANENTLY attached to the regiment? We don't really...well, to be perfectly honest the last time we had a commissar was...(he counts a bit on his fingers) two years ago, and he blew himself up while he was rifling through our bags (Emperor rest his soul, when I said "don't touch that" he should have listened). Are we getting Commissars again, or is this more of a one-time thing?"

>>53600410
Iyes I'm going to be PERMANENTLY attached to this regiment! Whatever the hell this regiment is. And let us pray to the Emperor that it goes better, than my last assigned regiment!

>the guardsman returns from his scouting venture

>>53600609
Chen, my man! Have you managed to retrieve the documents telling us *hack* what fucking regiment this is, exactly?

>>53600673
I have them right here, though they're written in some sort of code language. I'm... not sure about the regiment.

>>53600490
"...we're the Vyrian 1st sir...were you told what we DO, by any chance...sir? And do I want to ask what happened on your last assignment?"

>>53600707
Pass me these papers. im fluent in a couple language. its probably just the Tau alphabet or something like that.

>>53600735
Here you are.

>>53600749
Let me see this...hmm....hmmm...
>takes a swig of booze
hmmmm...

>>53600721
Well if this is the Vyrian 1st, than the answer would be no trooper.

>>53600707
"...and who the hell are you? Did someone mix up the muster orders? You're sure as hell not one of us."

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47 KB JPG

>>53600767
I am Vu Chen of the Trai Dat Guerillas. I'm trained in stealth and scouting operations, and I'm a pretty good shot with a longlas.
>he takes off his hat
I'm not sure why, but I was assigned to this regiment not fourteen hours ago.

>>53600707
>>53600721
>>53600763
So lemme get this straight: next to none of us know who the fuck we are, and those who do don't know what the fuck we're here for?
>he pours half a bottle of booze into an inlet on his rebreather
I'm liking this unit already!

>>53600735
What's a Tau?

>>53600855
I do want to mention I was on a personal mission to kill some tyranids since i heard there could be some surviving squats stationed there. But i must say this is a pretty alright team. Havent had fun in a firefight like this in a long time.
>>53600889
An alien race on the eastern fringe. Even more advanced than the squats but they lack our durability, strength and knowledge of the word
"fun". Also their alphabet is very odd to most people.

>>53600848
>>53600855
So three Gremlyns, a Trai Dat, and whatever the hell the drunk is walk onto a muster line...sure, why not? (Pulls down his mask and pulls out a pipe) So, Commissar sir, what exactly are we doing here?

>>53600966
This sounds like the start of a bad joke.

>>53600978
Bad joke or not, we need to figure out what the hell we ARE. Someone here HAS too know!

>>53600855
Corporal Van Kleez! What are our current casualties standing at!

>>53600966

Surpsingly, I have no idea! I was under the impression, that I was too be leading a Cadian regiment out on the fringe! Not stuck on some backass Agri-world!

>>53600978
You're telling me.

>>53600889
By the Emperor, I love the Tau. They're a bunch of hoofed, naive goofs from the Eastern Fringe that love to run around in armored suits. You haven't seen funny until you've seen on of their mechs fall into a pitfall lined with explosives. Pure...gold.

>>53600966
>he slouches slightly taller and attempts a salute
Corporal van Kleez, formerly of the Savlar 8th Chem-Dogs, now of the 13th Whateverthefuckweare, at yer service, sir!

>>53601068
Uh, 'bout five or six from our platoon, by the looks of things. Two deceased, three in the infirmary including Ivana from our squad, and Handrinsson's pissed out of his mind. Rest of the buggers are someone else's responsibility.

>>53601200
Only six? How many orks were there?

I though we were the 24th Vraks?

>>53601200
Also i probably have a couple broken bones... Only reason im standing there and not screaming in pain is from all the booze. which luckily as i said dosent do much to squats, atleast the mushroom variant. So im not really pissed.
Ive got to say its a shame my exo-armour wasnt fixed up before this. would have been quite the blood bath.

>>53601245
So then, what the hell are we!? Someone had better know, before the complaints department has too arrive!

>>53601244
Well, six from our platoon. There are a helluva lot more b-bodies than that on the field, but I've elected not to worry about those *cough* poor bastards.

>>53601262
Eh, normally I'd *wheeze* recommend a trip to the medic, but you l-look like you could just walk it off.

did anyone figure out why orks had eldar tech yet?

>>53601563
I leave that up to you cog boys to figure out. We've got more important business to contend with.

>>53601582
listen I dont understand and xenobiology is a specialty of mine. I could try to keep the problem upstairs but Im trying to lie low right now
maybe we should ask the ministorum?

>>53601627
I mean administratum

This regiment is designated the Arcadian 118th Infantry

>>53601662
Good idea!

CORPORAL VAN KLEEZ!

>>53601713
for the record I call dibs on all the eldar tech

>>53601754
Fair enough! But burn it when you are done.

File: 1305737451204.jpg (125 KB, 500x418)

125 KB JPG

>>53601816
Thanks commissar

>>53601454
That reminds me. I need to check our traps. Some of the orks may still be alive.
>he turns to >>53601816
You did remember to inform the men where I dug the traps, right?

>>53599679
Never been part of a choir, I don't have a very good singing voice.
>>53601313
I honestly thought this was a unit of steel legionaries.

>>53601713
>he gives a rasping sigh
Yes, sir.

>he twiddles a few knobs and dials before tentatively speaking into the vox
This is 21st Squad, 3rd Platoon, 13th Batallion Someone-or-anothers, to nearest Administratum link, do you copy over? Yeah, I c-can hold... OK, reporting ork ownership of *cough* advanced xenos tech, ID'd as Eldar, over... Around 80.000, 50.000, over... OK roger that, over.

Good news, sir! Since its such an emergency, the Administratum should get back to us within the decade.

>>53601908
talk to the mechanicum instead, use this override
01011001 01101111 00100000 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101100 01101100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110010 01101011 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100001 01100100 00100000 01100101 01101100 01100100 01100001 01110010 00100000 01110100 01100101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110111 01100101 01100001 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110000 01101111 01110111 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01110010 01101101 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100111 01100010 01110010 01101111 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110101 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01101110 01100101 01100100 00111111

>>53601816
>silently walks up and gives a quick salute
Commissar? Uhh... I seem to have a problem.
>gulps lightly

>>53601943
Alright, l-let's give them a try.

>he turns a dial a couple of clicks and speaks again
This is 21st Squad, 3rd Platoon, 13th Batallion Who-knows, to Mechanicum link, do you copy, over? Ok, zero one zero one one...

>a few minutes later
Alright, so at least we got a reply this t-time, of sorts. This mean anything to you, bolthead?
01010011 01100011 01100001 01101110 01101110 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00101100 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 01110011 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01100111 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100101 01111000 01110000 01100101 01100011 01110100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01111000 01100101 01101110 01101111 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01101011 01101100 01101001 01100011 01101011 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110010 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101100 01101111 01100011 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00101110 00100000 01000010 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100010 01110010 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00111111

>>53602132
"unexpected xenos readings a few klicks north"
>>53601816
should we move out commissar?

>>53601865
Uhhhh...
>Flash backs to earlier.
>"Why is this map covered in SHIT!?!"

UHHHH....
>>53601879
How are these steel legionaries!? Hardly any of them wear gasmasks, or yellow!
>>53601992

What is it trooper? More Orks!? You eldar!? A CHAOS CONFECTIONARY MONSTER!?!
>>53602207
Yes. As long as all the Orks are dead.

>>53602207
Ah shit. I c-can't speak for the Commissar, but I'd recommend w-waiting till *hack* morning to manoeuvre. No good huntin' xenos in the dark, I'm tellin' ya.
Speakin' of which, sun's d-down already. Dunno if you clankers need sleep, but us of the weak flesh *cough* certainly do.
>he staggers towards his tent and flops down heavily

>>53602333
No Sir... I just seem to have misplaced my gas mask...
>seems slightly startled from the sudden yelling

>>53602337
I can pretend to if you want
>he proceeds to lie down
>cue very loud fake snoring noises

>>53602388
Oh.... Well carry on then Corporal!