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Always redeem when given the chance.
Allies are always more helpful than corpses.

Gloves are your best friend when picking reagents. You don't want a rash or infection just by grabbing something you weren't supposed to.

>>56305928
So when you burn a witch alive you want to make sure to insert the wood splinters under the nails. What, this isn't a scared straight program?

Always pack a book or something to do. Look at the people next to me, do you think I actually want to talk to these lowlifes around a campfire? Most of them are barely sentient!

>>56305928
Learn how to recognize edible plants in the wilderness. Eating nothing but trail rations will give you hemorrhoids.

>>56305984
>t.dead nice guy
Don't cry when you saw that someone torched your hometown provisions and opened the gate.

>>56305928

...so at this point I'm shoulder deep into dragon and the goblin fire had already gone out so I, and this is important, threw the halfling at the golem..

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>>56305928
I know you want to save it for the perfect moment, but it's better to not die right now.

Mages don't look so smug when you football tackle them.

Always carry a bag of ball bearings. A long stick is useful too.

When in doubt, let the bard touch it first.

It is never a bad idea to have a friend among the locals. Yes, even if the only ones nearby are wildlife.

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>>56305928
Understand that you won't always have the most ideal tools available to get the job done, so make due with what's nearby to solve a problem. Also double check to make sure what you "killed" is actually dead this time.

Everyone knows to gank the wizard first; you need contingencies in place for when that happens. You're not a proper caster until you can bust out of jail while bound and gagged, and without your arcane focus.

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When dealing with underpaid adversaries, never forget to offer them a snack. You'd be surprised how often that works.

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Always move in groups of two.
Never advance past the point man or lady.

You can EAT MONSTERS!

>>56305928
>Well the wizard is the guy to my left, I can only cast spells up to 6th tier and psionics up to 5th I can barely defend myself, but I know a thing or two about taming cosmic horrors..
>I'm going to teach you the 17th tier of magic. The first thing you're going to learn: reality as you know it is a semi-gelatinous construct, as would be the structure of the tenth dimension when observed from afar... therefore magic formulae can be altered in such a way that.. hmm, and that's how you cast a 1st level spell without spending energy, using components or needing gestures... now, if you use the previous product and stir up a little inside your golden egg... and that's a bunny rabbit made out of terror and rainbows. I think that's girly enough. Oh, it's just a normal rabbit, not demonic or evil or anything, just know it's a true creation that we wrung out from the pit, either sacrifice it or care for it responsibly.
>You take the Ax, and then deny the artifact's warping capabilities by screaming real hard something very profane and swinging the ax at it like the universe depends on it. If it doesn't shatter, try again. If the ax shatters, use your anger to take that shattering out of the unreal bubble, and put it inside the artifact like you're fisting a turkey... ok... putting the filling inside...
>Now, having a dream to become the best thief in all the nine kingdoms is a nice place to start, but then I realized... if I could not think about a higher dream, I could steal that too. Like you lady, wanting automatons to do things for you is thinking too small. Aim for reality to do things for itself. I mean, that's what I'd do if I was a wizard. Oh! I I can teach you how to change your test results!
>Mundane make up or clothes may be a lesser concern in your lives, specially since it's hard to be pretty while adventuring, but believe me, at the end of the day, when your magic is spent and you're tired, you still need to look presentable before the prince.

>witches

I will now demanstrate the most efficient way to purge a group of foul witches.

Don't stand in front of anyone who has any ranged attacks if their aim (rolls) is shit.

>>56306214
Always throw short people at monsters. Halfings, dwarves, gnomes, children, doesn't matter. It might not be effective, but it's always hilarious and confuses the shit out of the monsters.

>>56305928
Nothing is invincible, nothing is unkillable.
Researching into eternal life only gets you into trouble. If you do go forward be prepared to kill other beings who are also trying to be immortal.
Don't do necomancy. Becoming a lich sounds cool, but in truth, they are ugly, stinking and no one likes them.

>>56305928
Don't marry an adventurer. It never ends well.

>>56305928
>Necromancy is bad, Mkaaay.

>>56305928
>Bard
>Start singing "Never Split the Party"

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"When performing surgery, always have medicinal brandy with you, for three reasons: first, a small drink of it will steady your hands. Second, pouring it on your tools before working within the body of your patient will prevent the spread of foul humors or native diseases. Third, if you give some to the patient, it may numb the pain. Now, I think it's best if you all learn how to recognize some diseases by their symptoms; I have my sketchbook right here. Now, THIS is what ghoul fever looks like; up until the person becomes a ghoul, obviously. And THIS is a foot in the middling stages of what the commoners call 'Boot Soup', but which is better known as- oh, dear, you're going to vomit, aren't you?"

>>56305928
"Being willing and able to use your abilities effectively and creatively is more critical than raw power. Both potency and versatility are good, but if you can only have one, choose versatility."

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>>56305928
"When in doubt, use fire. If that doesn't work, use more fire. If THAT doesn't work, you clearly haven't used enough."

"Dumbledore is a Dark Lord, your DADA professors will try to kill you, if you want a Ministry job learn to roll over and take it up the spell hole, and blond rich-boy Slytherins are always gay for anyone with a forehead scar. Always."

>>56305928
You should always double check your ritual summoning circles. But if you really REALLY don't have time, make sure you're not the person furthest away from the exit.

>>56305928
*Sound of fly being unzipped*

>>56307379
>Boot Soup
I'm taking this.

>>56305928
You are probably wondering why I, a Cleric who has served Pelor for 500 years, aren't immediately serving Pelor's will by purging this entire school.
And why I have the gall to preach Pelor's will in the young faces of witchcraft.
I shall tell you why.

I was there, 499 years ago, on a cold autumn day, when I were a mere Cleric-Squire sent on a mission to safeguard an ancient artefact said to be sacred to the elven peoples in the jungles of Umbura.

Apparently, the artefact beheld the power to ward against darkness and bolster light.
It went missing for one day after a wizard wished to claim it for research purposes.

I survived the Crimson Invasion.
The horrible nightmare of shamanism.
Shamanism is one of the most, if not the utmost, sinister of evils I have ever witnessed.

Cannibalistic warriors who seemed to silence magic with their unnatural presence, cultists who would paint themselves with blood of human, elven, creature, and their own.
Even the very elven-blessed jungle of Umbura seemed to be teeming with absolute evil that day.

Seven-thousand of my own kinsman, one-million innocent elves lives sacrificed to their dark gods.
Their flesh tainted, eaten, given to statues of their deity that would come to life and consume cultist and sacrifice with greedy rapaciousness.
In desperation, my own commander imposed that we abandon Pelor and pray for Orcus to help us.
He came for us, and he was consumed by the very jungle.

Guard yourselves, young witches, for nothing else may protect you in the darkness of such evil.
Any evil you commit is justified in my sight, for you are all nothing compared to shamanism.
>reveals a living ankh-shaped wooden statuette

>>56305928

"Always stand 20 feet back and slightly off center from any door being opened by the party"

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>>56305928
Hey kids happy halloween nice costumes. Okay let's get down to brass tacks.

The GOVERNMENT, by which I mean the King--who is not legitimate by the way, the Constitution of the United Straits of Arcturia does not allow for a King--is putting chemicals in the water that turn people into losers.

Yes, it's true. That water you've been drinking since you were a kid has been stunting your ability to build muscle and calcifying your pineal gland. This is why so few people are capable of being adventurers. Thankfully, I've had plenty of iodine and collidal silver in my diet since I was a kid so I was able to become an adventurer and go out and slaughter Goblins. Let me tell you about Goblins.

Goblins were created by the CIA--Centrilized Intelligence of Arcturia--sixty years ago in Warcamp LI using the genetic material from crashed Qlippoths in the desert. Goblins are a CIA psyop intended to act as supersoldiers in the coming transhumanist race war, when the King and his banker friends intend to upload their minds into golems and rule over the rest of us like cattle as we slave away in their salt mines.

Well they will NEVER succeed, NEVER, because brave young adventurers like YOU are going to massacre the Goblins, and shut down their plans, and I'm here to help you DO IT, but the first thing you need is SUPER ADVENTURER VITALITY, the special product from Arcturus Johns, only available here at Dungeonwars.

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>>56305928

Have back ups, as many as it's practical to have, whether thats a weapon, a plan, an item or a party role it doesn't matter

Always account for the worst possible result in any part or whole of a plan you come up with and how it will change what you have to do if said event results

K.I.S.S, or Keep It Simple Stupid is the best idea for any plan you have, figure out what you Need to have happen then plan

Passwords, codes and a sign language only your group know will save your life at some point

Most people will tell you to take a ten foot pole with you, well some people are clever so take either an eleven foot pole or a weak summon spell to trigger traps

Learn how to forage, cook, sew, navigate, perform first aid, repair your weapon and play a musical instrument

Some manners can take you far, don't forget them

Always keep your end of a deal, having a good
reputation is worth it's weight in gold

Trust is priceless

Revenge is a sucker's game

Never fight fair

>>56306967
I had a professor like this once.

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ALLRIGHT. I know you kids are a little young, but let's get to business.

Sex Ed.

Don't fuuUh-hug barmaids.
Don't f-(shit) hug people with wings.
It's ok to hug elves. They like it when you pet their ears.
Dwarves don't like being hugged. They also have flees.

Use contraceptives. Especially around people who sing, dance and read poetry. What do you mean what's a contra-(damnit)... Nevermind. Just remember that for when you're older.

No means no. If they persist, carry protection. I have a dagger tucked into my boot.

When you're looking for good whores to- YES, horses. Yeah, the prettier the horse does not mean a better ride. You. There. Stop giggling.

Damnitall. Someone else take over. I'm a rogue, not a good example.

>>56307841
I asked the DM for the common word used by peasants to characterize progressive STAPH-like foot infections that cause the formation of carbuncles or other nasty skin abscesses followed by the dissolution of the outer skin layers. That's what he gave me, and my PC subsequently became the first chirugeon to formally categorize "podiatric liquifactive syndrome" and suggest a preventative course of regularly cleaning your shoes and allowing your feet to breathe.

>>56308984
"Well... if I remember correctly, you'll still suffer from the female complaint, so... I would advise getting used to applying absorbent cloth to the inside of your knickers, possibly with some sort of herbal ointment to lower the risk of infection... also, if you insist on... congress with a man, I believe that a resin of the fennel called 'midwife's vexer' in the common tongue is renowned for solving the effect which often comes afterwards; but for the safety of not spreading certain diseases and curses... damn it all, is there a member of the fair sex among these lecturers? I'm unqualified to talk about female troubles!"

Pretty much I'd just go down the 70 maxims
http://schlockmercenary.wikia.com/wiki/The_Seventy_Maxims_of_Maximally_Effective_Mercenaries

>>56309369
HEY. I /am/ a female.

To the girls: When your bleeding, use a clean towel to stuff to your nethers. When you are done bleeding, you just wash the rag with the paladin's laundry.

To the boys: If a girl is bleeding from her nethers nothing is wrong. Girls don't die from blood loss. The bleeDO NOT TEST IT OUT. PUT DOWN THE FORK. (Damnit, gimme that. Everyone pass your sharp object to the front of the class.) Swazsaying... Bleeding from the nethers is like peeing or taking a dump. It's the body removing impu- I said stop giggling.

>>56305928
DO MUCH LABOR
BECOME BIG LIKE GROM
BECOME ANGRY LIKE GROM
TAKE AXE AND CONQUER MUCH LAND AND MANY WOMANS
ENJOY LITTLE THINGS OF LIFE

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>>56309967
Grom why would little witch girl want to conquer womans?

>>56310038
Hey now, they could swing that way... you never know.

>>56305928
If someone offers you any Phyrexian trinkets. Run as fast as you can the other way.

Always have a buddy, never travel alone. It might just save your life.

There may come a time when your Fighter just won't be able to survive an encounter. It's a good idea to give them a portable hole and a bag of holding. Just be sure to run away as fast as you can.

>>56305928
Sometimes you have to hurt your teammates to to save them

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>>56305928
"Check out how hard I can pee!"

>>56310038
You. Stand outside the door and hold your arms out so I can see them. Hold this cup of water.

For fuUgh... I'm a rogue, damnit. Not a babysitter. Fuc-KINGDOM-run (phew) schools are a waste of taxes. I swear.

Wait... Why AM I here? Where are your wizarding professors?

>>56310038
>Witches
>Not wanting to conquer all the womans

>>56310349
Akko, go back to bed.

>>56310284

drinking

they want you to teach the students what being an adventurer has taught you

Sometimes, you just gotta up and stab somebody. Get some lessons from a Rouge, fighter, or paladin. They'll give you plenty of advice.

>>56305928

All I've learned is to Evocate what I cannot Enchant, to never Summon up what I cannot Abjur down. That the illusion of wealth is far easier than the reality of wealth. When told to make new friends, don't resort to necromancy, golems are much more PR friendly, and if you want to speak to the dead Divination does the same thing but people of low education, close proximity to fire, pitchforks and bored clerics tend not to start looking at these things speculatively when you use it.

And lastly. Never. Ever. Transmute into a Snake.

It never helps.

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>>56309369
That's gnarly as fuck, man. I always love doing medically-sound wound reports on what that 1d8 damage actually did to the goblins' wedding tackle.

You think that you'e really smart, and you probably are. But you also can't possibly know everything. Even if you do, you can't use that knowledge effectively.
A fighter is more than a sword and shield for you to hide behind. A Dwarven cleric is more than the guy to ask for advice on stone cutting or religious texts. They are people just as much as you are.
Tl;dr Your adventuring party should not just be people you lord yourself over. Make friends with them so they can help you just as much as you help them

>>56310623
Rogue's law: It's OK to borrow loot that your party doesn't use.

>>56310038
GROM THINK YOU ARE OF BAD CRITICAL THINKING SKILL
THINK YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO ELDERS FOR WHIPPING WITH REEDS FOR NOT OF LEARN WELL

WITCH GET WOMANS
MANY USES BESIDES BABY
WOMAN MAKE FOOD, WASH LOINCLOTH AFTER HARD DAY, OF WARM ON WINTER NIGHTS, CAN HUNT OR OF EVEN FIGHT OTHER TRIBE IF STRONG AND LOYAL

WITCHES LEARN MUCH FROM ELDERS, SO THEY MUST KNOW OF THESE MANY USES

>>56306136
Also, always stay hydrated. Nothing like shitting stone with hemorrhoids.

>>56310891
Well, Urist, you're not supposed to eat stones.

>>56305928
"And here's how you pull a coin out of someone's ear! Stare in awe at my dark and terrible magic!"
my character is actually the party wizard, but she's a necromancer and figures the best way to make sure she doesn't get in trouble is to make it so that anyone who does catch on is ridiculed for having believed she's an actual mage when all she does whenever she's anywhere near civilization is really crappy magic tricks

>>56309795
WAIT! IS THAT WHY MY HOLY TABARD TURNED PINK! YOU SAID YOU JUST WANTED TO BE HELPFUL WITH THE LAUNDRY! I TRUSTED YOU WITH THE HOLY GARMENTS OF MY ORDER AND THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID!!!

>t. long suffering paladin wearing pink tabard he is now ripping off.

>>56310925
well, maybe if your cooking didn't transmute all the food into rocks...

>>56305928
Here's how you perform an autopsy! Who wants to volunteer to be the corpse?
>whips out medical mechadendrite

>>56310743
Everyone who isn't the Rogue's law: If he doesn't ask first, you axe first.

>>56311147
It's not my fault my mother never taught me to cook!

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>>56305928

Learn. Orcish.

>>56311213
But those are all goblinoids.

>>56305928
>One of the party steps forward.
>He is a gaunt, rangy man in a grubby tunic. His face is covered in burn scars: he looks like a melted wax-work of Dobby the House Elf.
>His gaze passes over the witches. His look is hollow, like he's not seeing the same world as everyone else in the room.
>Occasionally his fingers will twitch, and his lips curl at the corners in a fleeting snarl.
>He is silent for the most awkward 5 seconds of the young girls' lives.
>Then his vision returns to focus. He blinks, as if waking up. He looks around again, seemingly lucid this time.
>He nails the witches with a stare that could moor warships, and says:

"For fuck's sake, don't ever make deals with the Fae."

>Then in a moment the fog descends again. His comrades lead him gently away.
>The man spends the rest of the talk crying in a corner, trying to protect his face.

>>56309795
>I /am/ a female
Tits or GTFO

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>>56311576
In front of the children? What kind of class do you think this is?

>>56311772
A class during Veteran's Day.

>>56311772
The best kind, of course. Now, you gonna teach these girls or not?

>>56310038
>anime wiches that are neither milfs or yuris
quite some implications you got there, anon

>>56312013

cost us another paying gig and am having the Wizard curse you

>>56305928
Don't trust the dark haired one of the one with the weird smile, I'm pretty sure they're shapeshifters or mimics of some kind. It's just a gut feeling, but listening to my gut has proved a reliable way of staying alive, so maybe you should zap them or whatever. Can I have my pay now?

>>56305928
Always pack a pillow and as much soft toilet paper as you can carry. If you think you have too much, you're wrong. I cannot overstate the importance of having enough or the misery that comes from running out.

>>56305928
>From the Warlock's daughters, because he technically doesn't exist anymore.
Dragons 101, or "Our mom could fit this entire classroom in her claw and is a really powerful spellcaster! We just feel like bragging! Also, papa says that you shouldn't practice Creation or Essence magic on people other than yourself, and even then, only the healing spells."

>From the Warrior Summoner
Mentalists: Why having a low Psychic Resist sucks around Telepaths, and why the Electromagnetism ones need to be watched just as closely. Hint: It involves friendly fire and fist-sized holes in everything in a 3000ft line.
Followed by pointed glares at the mentalist.
Additionally: Totem familiars, why does this ghost stoat murder every-damned-thing it sees even though it's a gift from Mother Nature herself.

>From the Mentalist
Aiming: It's overrated. The odds that you will actually HIT an ally are slim at best.
More death-glares from the Warrior Summoner, her Ghost Stoat, and the two half-dragons.
Okay, maybe better than slim...
And Escape Routes: always have at least one ready and/or active at all times. If the enemy can touch you, you need to be further away.

>>56309795
You remember these are witch kids? Surreptitiously applying your menses to a man is how the heroines get boyfriends in the kind of books that are confiscated around here.

Remember, burn the corpse and smash the jewels. If they're a lich, the jewels might be a phylactery. If not, they're diamond dust for permanency rituals.

Necromancy is a valid school of magic. Don't let the paladins tell you otherwise.

>>56313191

It's not the Paladins you need to worry about. It's the angry mob with pitchforks, rope, torches and kindling you need to worry about.
Paladins can be reasoned with. A mob is only as intelligent as the IQ of it's stupidest member divided by the number of people present. Your best bet is to claim that it was your familiar the whole time and hope they buy it when you force the thing to transmute into a Firedrake.

Again though. There are easier ways of making new friends than Necromancy.

>>56312710
Remember to scatter the ashes in a running stream.

Failing that, cut off the feet, hands and head and bury them underneath three separate crossroads in metal coffins. The head should be buried with an onion stuffed into its mouth and a coin stuck on each eye.

>>56311772
Physiology and Anatomy OF A LYING ATTENTION WHORE

"The Reverend Mother must combine the seductive wiles of a courtesan with the untouchable majesty of a virgin goddess, holding these attributes in tension so long as the powers of her youth endure. For when youth and beauty have gone, she will find that the place-between, once occupied by tension, has become a wellspring of cunning and resourcefulness."

Remember, immunity to magic does nothing to prevent a trebuchet shot from destroying a castle. Siege Weapon Mastery is an important skill to have.

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>>56313882
dumb bene gesserit hags wish they could into seductive wiles

Trust me little witches, you could learn more under a rock than you could under them

>>56314055
>hates bene gesserit
>posts honored matre
>caring about Dune post Golden Path
WEW

>>56314055
>That frail thing an HM
Honored Matres we're described as brick shithouses almost exclusively

>>56314147
Chapterhouse was best dune, you cannot prove me wrong.

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>>56314287
>ywn see an Honored Matre vs Bene Gesserit prana-bindu martial arts battle

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>>56308114
Fucking kekd

>>56305928
FUCK unicorns. FUCK THEM. No, not literally, I mean with like swords or fire or shit.

>>56305928
A good balance of Corp Starche, Amasac and your medical supplys keep the Ancient horrors at bay
Space Elves are ass holes. Don't say it out loud or think it. They'll know.
Always bring extra of everything
If you can only buy one. Don't purchase it.
Your horse is your second weapon. Never miss treat it.

>>56305928
How to heal a party with sex.

>>56307033
I bet you like to stand in the middle of wide open fields and talk shit to thunderstorms.

>>56315763
Those thunderstorms were little bitches and they totally had it coming, SOMEONE had to say what everyone was thinking

>>56310865
They can also get womans (male). Do all the work of womans but are actually weak guys you've beaten in submission.

I could show you how to punch things really hard... I guess. Or really I'd be showing you how I can punch things really hard; you girls look like your arms look like they couldn't even stand up to a stiff breeze, let alone a good wallop. Are you sure they're feeding you alright here?

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>>56305928
This a sword. No, no, it's pronounced "sword"
The metal bit goes on the other guy.

>>56316070
Oh. It's pronounced sword? I was saying sword for the longest time.

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>>56305928

A believing heart IS magic.

>>56314055
>>56314287
>>56314717
Watch their feet. They kill with their feet.

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>>56305928
Remember that there's a difference between a dagger and a knife, and it doesn't have anything to do with its shape. A dagger is a weapon, but a knife is a tool. A dagger is used to fight. A knife can be used in a fight, but it's also good for cutting holes in tents, jamming doors open or shut, whittling to pass the time, and so on.

Never disarm a trap if you can bypass it instead. You never know when it might be handy.

...wait a second...

>>56308984
OhmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmyGOSH another drow! And you're taking care of kids so you're probably not evil! Are you from the Underdark? How did you get out? What's the Underdark like? I was born on the surface, raised by humans! I've never actually been to the Underdark. I don't think I actually want to go there from what I know about it. How old are you? I'm 28. Wait, can you tell that? Most people I meet think I'm 16 or 17, but most people I meet are humans so they can't really tell elf ages. Can elves? And...

...uh, you want help with those kids?

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Never, ever sleep with anyone in the party. there are hundreds of other attractive people out there, hook up with them. You have nothing to gain and so much more to lose than you could possibly realize

>>56316234
Not Sword, SWORD! SWORD!!

Gods, your accent is annoying.

>>56305928
I see many eager faces here today. That is good.
Many of you think magic is the most powerful force you can wield. That is true. But like any force it is best controlled & harnessed. If you wish to be of use to yourself or others learn engineering. Apply what you learn with magic to it. An old witch or wizard who can only be powerful in themselves & must work every wonder personally will be left wanting to the man who can channel arcane energy into devices & such which can be used later on a whim, by people without the gift, & without draining the mage who crafted it. Also the magic has guaranteed results. No botched appellants. No accidental demons running amok just because one was hat with more juice than beard lost concentration. Become an artificer. Create wonders.
Mankind thrives but adapting tools to his environment. Follow their bold footsteps. Why limit yourself to a handful of arcane bolts before you tire when you can craft a wand to do it for you & at greater power? A fly spell can fail or a errant bird hitting you can break concentration. Invest in a levitating cloak or boots. I prefer a belt fitted with runes of flight myself.

Do mot let you power be contain to your person. Let in free.

>>56305928
don't make lead out of gold unless you plan on spending it in an evil kingdom your actively trying to bring down. or a good kingdom your trying bring down. or if you don't have scruples. the last thing I said is the most fun by the way.

You see, girls, when a Man and a Woman love each other very much they might decide to-

What? B-but I got the puppets out and everything! Would you rather I let that damn Bard explain this?!

>>56305928

"Well, the most important advice you'll ever need is the details on the environment, ecology, culture, and politics of wherever you're adventuring, but I don't know where that will be, so the best advice I can give is to read a lot, and ask trustworthy people as many questions as you can without being obnoxious. A royal library is worth more than its weight in gold.

Seeing as you're all budding magicians, my other piece of advice is that dealing with Outsiders is not the intrinsically horrible idea you've been told it is, but still usually the wrong choice to make. Yelling at you that it never works and is always horrible will only work until you find out about the actual success stories, at which point you'll get overconfident, start building yourself up as so much smarter than the narrowminded, panic-ruled fools who told you never to do it, and then mess it up real bad. So I'm going to be honest with you; If you're really really smart, you can sometimes get the better of a demon. Sometimes. It's never a sure thing. But if you're that smart, you can probably work something out that doesn't involve risking your immortal soul, right?"

>>56307472
what about things that are immune to fire?

Always get the young man's name and address

>>56305928
Always remember to say your prayers before every meal, and before resting.
Thank the gods for your victories, and reflect on your defeats, for there can be no growth without failure and pain.

>>56318133
>just because one was hat with more juice than beard
deep

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>>56305928
>Alright kids, for today I'll be teaching you about mer people and how to tame them.
>For this lesson I brought with me this wild Mermaid.
>Now then lets start petting the fish.

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>>56319202
C-can I pet the fish, too?

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>>56319202

>>56319202
>I will now pleasure myself with this fish.

>>56319311
>Yes you can and there's nothing to be shy about.

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>>56305928

Watch closely, this is the most valuable insight I have to pass down to you. This...is how you do the hustle.

>>56319416
She... really, REALLY, seems to be enjoying the petting...

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>>56319202
>Eeeewww she's slimy!

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>>56319202
Hold on their chief, your breaking at least 6 laws here regarding wild life AND maritime treaties with the mer-people. Gonna have to shut this down unless you have the proper paperwork in order.

>>56306967
Xavier is that you?

>>56310038

Don't be a lesbian, kids.

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>>56319202
>Hi again kids! Seeing how your teacher thought teaching about the Mermaid was a big win with you all, she having me come in more often to teach you about other critters.
>For today I'll be teaching about bird people and how to tame them too. For this I brought with me this bird girl I just tamed myself.
>She's a little small but don't let that fool you.

>>56319558
>Hello Sir. I understand your worry but please do not. I do have all the paper work right here. Nice and ready for you.

>>56319597
Sir... isn't that a Gore Magala?

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>>56305928
When you see evil, you smite then with righteous fury. Honestly thinking about it. I should be smiting all of you heathen witches. BEGONE

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>>56305928
Don't split the party.

>>56319607
>No but it is a very common mistake to confuse the two.
>Now get over here. You'll be the first to ruffle her feathers.

>>56319478
I'm honestly half tempted to create an npc bard based on mr libido

>>56310038
being a magic user automatically makes you gay

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Sometimes people just need to die.
It is not a pretty thing to say of course, but it is true.

>>56305984
But only when given the chance. A dead potential ally is better than a betrayal down the line.

>>56306426
Always confirm your kills. Smart ghouls know how to play dead and the lack of smell doesn't give them away.

>>56306538
You've chosen a dangerous path as a magic-user. People will assume you're a threat even if you're naked, bleeding, unarmed and out of spells. Make sure they're right to think that.

>>56308120
Some of you might want to become adventurers. Well, then you always want to bring three things: Soap, rope, and a change of clothes. Rope can save your life, and showing up to a job posting in clean clothes can go a long way in convincing marks to pay you extra.

>>56308984
>>56309369
(I'm totally making my party teach sex-ed to a group of student necromancers now).

>>56310197
This is why you don't become an adventurer. Just learn basic healing spells and magic away people's disgusting infections, you'll be kept in food and shelter for decades.

>>56310425
A caveat- sometimes turning into a snake DOES help, but never if you do it where someone can see you transform.

>>56313462
If in doubt, it isn't dead.

>>56313990
Rule 3: muggles do it better. At least until you learn Gate.

>>56318849
Lightning.

>>56319758
The lich-king has had 300 years to learn morality and kindness. If he's still an asshole, then it's because he WANTS to be.

>>56311074
That's the worst excuse for not assuming the fact that you like the pink color that I've ever heard.

>>56313528
>says the one attention-whoring for (You)'s
Subtle

>>56319747
Confirmed.

>>56319784
>Some of you might want to become adventurers. Well, then you always want to bring three things: Soap, rope, and a change of clothes. Rope can save your life, and showing up to a job posting in clean clothes can go a long way in convincing marks to pay you extra.

>not telling them to bring a towel wherever they go
How green are you?

Alright kids, uh, hello. I'm going to be honest with you all here, I forgot I was supposed to do this today and I'm a little bit hung over. If I happen to just get up and leave, it's because I've gone to go throw up.

Now my first lesson is do not get into a drinking contest with a dwarf or anyone of orcish blood. Unless you're also a dwarf or of orcish blood, it's not going to go well for you. The second lesson, unrelated to the first, is that the schools of illusion magic should absolutely never be underestimated or overlooked! The best kind of conflict you can get into is the kind you sidestep entirely or set up to be as one-sided as possible in your favor, and illusions can make both of those much more achievable! The third and most important lesson I have is I'm going to teach you all the Ballad of Damien Goblin Gobbler, so you can all be a big hit at the next party you go to. It's a song about how we found a bandit named Damien leading a pack of goblins by personally sating their awful desires with his body. On a related note, history is written by the victors. Now listen carefully so you can all learn the words now...

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>>56309600
My fobott'r.

Anyway, what my character would say:

There are a lot of way to do things out there, and a lot of ways to end up dead if you don't learn fast. Now, I won't be coy with you: I've killed beasts and I've killed men, but I've never slain a creature that wasn't some kind of menace, or wasn't for the survival of me or my mates. And as to men, I've never shot a fellow in the back, nor taken up arms against anyone who didn't understand what they were getting into. I've ambushed supply columns and slit the throats of sentires, but all that was in service to one thing, the thing that separates an honest mercenary from a gutter-trash blade for hire: When you sign a contract, make a deal, or tell someone you'll do something, you keep your word. Nobody will do business with a company that takes their enlistment bounty and deserts the field, nor one that doesn't give its best effort to win the day. And furthermore, if you tell your mates that you'll have their backs when it gets hairy, and run off by yourself instead, you won't have anyone there to pull your arse out of the fire when you need it. And of course, if you tell some slimy sumbitch that you're coming for his head, you better make sure he's sleeping with one eye open until you get it. Nobody has any use for a braggart, a blowhard, or a coward out in the world, ladies. You give your word, you keep it. That's the lesson.

>>56308114
What about the psychic vampire aliens?

>>56319993
Don’t encourage him

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If you suspect you have a ghost problem, don't try to confront it head on. Actually, don't confront it at all. Whether you get some poor soul who needs unfinished business completed or a batshit insane monster who'll happily use you as a meat puppet is something you just aren't equipped to determine, and either way you probably can't handle them. Stay away, wear holy symbols and call a priest, shaman or necromancer, they're all trained to deal with this shit.

Also, be nice to your local necromancer. They spend their days rooting around in dead bodies and putting spirits to rest so you don't have to. Sure, they're kinda weird, and sometimes they smell a bit of formaldehyde, but a happy slightly smelly necromancer is better than an isolated, resentful one when Great Aunt Agna starts throwing the furniture around despite being dead for 20 years.

And don't, whatever you do, burn them. There's nothing worse than a flaming ghost who knows how to raise skeletons.

>>56305928
>The Haitian captain teaches them how to cultivate an 'herb' that restores their mana, while also providing a pleasant high
>The birdfolk lookouts teach the importance of keeping watch in shifts
>The rat man teaches proper sneaking techniques, and tricks to confuse magical detection
>The Axolotl lady teaches the importance of flexibility both in and out of combat.
>The Crocodile woman teaches them etiquette, because a gala can be as much of a war zone as the deck of a Fleut.
>The squid-man begins to teach them how to turn a simple umbrella and blunderbuss into a macerator that is also a blunderbuss and an umbrella, but gets engrossed in his work and accidentally a steampunk gundam, instead.
>Both of the Crocmen boarders disregard teaching and instead lace up their ultra-padded doublets so they can more comfortably hug each and every one of the chilluns.
>Things get hairy when it's time to leave and the Crocmen won't let the children go.

>>56319664
I'm nit touching that bird, what if itinfects me with something?

>>56305928
Girls I'mma learn you a thing or two about broken bones, and internal bleedin'. Al bring the bugbear in.
>>56306426
When in doubt, stomp it out.

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>>56305928
>witches

But I'm a Witch Hunter.

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>>56321716
These are good witches, anon, good witches.
Except the one with the black hair, she can be kinda bitchy.
But the most they do is get up to hijinks that end in comfy.

>>56321791
Thou shall not suffer a witch to live.

>>56321814
There's no warpstone taint here, Mon'keigh.

>>56321820
Maleficos non patieris vivere.

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>>56308114

>Okay, so, first of all, my experiences might be different from yours. I'm an Undead, after all. In fact, let this be the introdu.. Intoru... The intro. I've lost six limbs. No, eight. And I've lost my pelvis twice. Like, all of this, pretty much everything except my ribcage and skull, isn't mine. It was an Orcs.

>What do you mean, I'm scaring the children?

>Okay, one more shot.

>The point is, you got to keep going. It's going to hurt and you might lose your pelvis twice, h-haha, but as long as you keep going you'll turn out fine.

>Oh, tips and tricks? I dunno, I guess using everything you will ever need is a thing. No point in travelling all the way to the place you need to be in, only to find out that you need some rope. Now, I'm not saying that you always need to bring rope, but buy a plunger before you need a plunger, you know? Oh, and remember, to make it in the world, you need to follow orders. You can't just do what you feel like.I tried that, but I won't go into the details. Thing is, it doesn't work. The second you have someone to answer to, is when you need to shut up and do as you're told.

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>>56305928

>A Half-orc monk stands at the front of the class with tiny glasses on his nose and a massive book

"Ok young ones today we are going to be discussing philosphy and how it applies to the witchcraft.

>When the bear charges do not step into its path to punch it in the nose

"Don't go looking for trouble is what that means, my master was quite the learned man."

>study everything twice

"Don't apply herbs to an injured party member if you don't absolutely know what it is. Apparently aphrodisiacs resemble athelas. Still haven't lived that one down."

>A wise warrior prepares for all things in some fashion

"Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT camp in a tunnel connecting to the Underdark without blocking all tunnels. The Drow are sneaky little shits and will poison you despite all measures you can come up with."

"Now we will practice breathing exercises and Ki manipulation!"

Even golems and artificial intelligence can fall for the "look over there" trick.

The more crafty someone thinks they are the easier it is to paralyse them with the obvious. I once kept a rogue busy for 2 hours with 3 switches connected to nothing and an unlocked door.

A racist mockery in one tongue is an exotic accent in at least three others.

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>>56308984
You're trying and that counts for a lot. You take a break; we've got this.

>>56305928
Rule one girls: Always have a backup plan. A universal constant unless you're literally facing mindless constructs is that you're not as smart as you think you are and they are not as dumb as you think they are... Even then, the mindless constructs were probably programmed by someone smarter than you think they were. There will be times when you need to fly by the seat of your pants, but while a lot of fun, those times are the most dangerous.

Rule two: Don't have just one trick. I know magic solves a lot of problems, but it has limitations too. Sometimes you won't have the time you need to complete even the simplest spell, or you'll be faced with a problem that magic can't touch. Make sure you know some mundane tricks that will get you out of a bind. Also, learn to improvise and get by without all your usual fancy tricks. Her there between sourpuss and the fluffiest thing in the room, she knows what's up.

Rule three: You're a team and you need to be more than that. I know it's sometimes hard to get along with others, but you have to learn to trust each other and be friends. Each of you has unique skills and approaches; each of you has strengths and weaknesses. None of you (I'm looking at you on the left) are perfect or 'better' than the others. Everyone around you would risk her life for you - you need to realise that and accept that you'd do the same for them.

There's going to come a time when it seems like the whole world is against you, when you have no friends, no allies, no backup, no plan, no safety... Nothing. At that time, you'll be facing your hardest trial and all you'll have are your friends beside you. More than your magic, more than steel, more than trickery and guile, that bond is what will see you survive and see you triumph.

>>56305928

Think very carefully about whether you wish to embark on the wanderer's path.

I've made friends that I never would have met if I'd stayed at home, and even married one of them. I've seen beautiful vistas that no one had ever witnessed before. I've followed in the shade of the vernia to keep cool on hot summer days. I've supped on meals fit for kings in every land across the grave, and found those feasts in the homes of farmers and millers as often as the halls of princes and kings. I've explored forgotten valleys and the broken heaven-tombs of the dead gods. I've gathered stories from every imaginable source, just waiting to be shared with the world. And, of course, I have gotten fabulously wealthy in the process.

I have also spent the better part of a week huddled in a dingy cave while a blizzard raged outside, praying it would pass while my supplies still held. Walked my way through a swamp in pouring rains, dodging spiders the size of men and alligators that could snap tree trunks in half with one bite of their jaws, covered in insects because I'd grown too tired of swatting them away. Gone for days with only the memories of fine meals as food, and that's nowhere near enough to silence a stomach. Been run out of more than one town for violating some custom I hadn't known existed. I've escaped certain death more times than I can easily count by quick wits, or fast feet, or even sheer luck - and I've got the scars to prove it. I have seen death - not the gentle death of an old woman in bed, surrounded by her whole family. Messy, painful, terrifying death. Despite my best efforts... or, sometimes, because I was too scared to intervene until it was too late.

I wouldn't trade the path I walk for the world, but the life of a wanderer is not for everyone. There's a lot to be said about having a warm home in some quiet little hamlet, and helping the people there with their peaceful lives.

What's the source, by the way?

>>56321879
And what if they've been given the gift of magic by God himself?

>>56305928
If they're charming on purpose they're not trustworthy. If they're smart (they usually are) they'll pretend to lower their guard when alone with you to make you think they feel safe enough around you to be "real". These people are weapons to be used in cowardly societies where a swo - er, fireball I guess - is not allowed, so use them as such. But never trust them.

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>>56322543
Then they aren't bloody witches, are they?

>>56316921
I wish this artist had drawn a 3 way
at least for a bit before the inevitable orcs

>>56316921
Can I get a source on that, anon?

>>56322688
>not instantly recognizing that art style
pleb

dragon's cream

>>56322747
Some of us don't really go looking for that shit normally, Anon. Nevertheless thank you for your assistance.

>>56305928
*gets out muh dick*

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>>56319758
>wrath of gnon

Never bring a mage on a stealth mission. They will end up blasting fire around like a maniac.

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>>56305928
I show them my dick.

>>56305928

"You see this thing here, the length of 8 hals from stock to barrel-mouth? Longer than any one of your arms; mine, even."

"This' a long rifle. Standard-issue Steiver Empire Yainar Style, specifically. A bit old now, but this was the backbone of the ranger corps during the continental war. Projection strength is about half lihn less than the southern-made Mark Seramalcion, but for our day six-and-three-quarter lihn was dam- Oh. Sorry. Shouldn't let my mouth run off too far."

"Do the magic schools talk about the contribution of the magic arts to the war? They used to all be called craftsmages, but now you have archmagi, witches, wizards, sages, practitioners, craftisans..."

"I can see your confused looks, but that's normal. That's good, even."

"They let me keep this one at the end of my service to the Empire. Realistically speaking, it's just like any other Yainar rifle, but people... well, we... get attached to things for little to no reason. I'm sure you're all smart enough to know how I feel."

"I'm sure you're all tight friends with each other here. That's good. That's great. It's also okay to have disagreements too, y'know? Just don't let that resentment hang for long. I'm not saying to yell at each other for every little thing, but sometimes a little talk goes a long way. Just sit down and get a sight on each other's thoughts. Y'all have field lessons too, right? Take it that sometimes sitting down to decide on a course of action is way better than running about only half-loaded."

"'cause, when one day you wanna say something, but lose the chance to do it, you'll keep those words with you for the rest of your life. An everlasting reminder of 'if I've only been a little earlier'."

>>56305928
>>56321791
Can I call sauce on this? No dice on reverse image search. I'm getting Ryoko Kui vibes from it, but the art style is little different.

>>56324114
Witch Hat Altier or something like that.

>>56305928
This may seem like an ordinary warhammer, but if you come closer to look, you may notice an addition that saved my life several times...
* Activate built-in flamethrower when filthy heretics come closer and finish them off with bolters and chainswords. Pray to the Emperor.

>>56319784
>A caveat- sometimes turning into a snake DOES help, but never if you do it where someone can see you transform.

There is nothing you can do as a Snake that you can't do as crow or sparrow. But whilst we're on the subject of good advice:

Never consume a source of ancient energy larger than your own head.
Goatee's are out of fashion. Especially in ladies.
Never store angry summonings in a deep stone pit with no railings. It is asking for trouble.
Gazebo's are a wooden structure found in parks and gardens and are largely benign.
Dread Gazebo's are a different matter.

And for the absolute last time, there is NO SUCH THING AS "THE HEAD OF VECNA"! IT STILL HAS BOTH IT'S EYES YOU MORONS!

If your enemy looks like a huge failure, as in wearing rags, fighting using a ladle, etc. RUN.

>>56321791
is that dragon trying to get comfy on a cloud?

>>56305928

NEVER CUT A DEAL WITH A DRAGON THAT'S HOW I GOT A FUCKING BOMB IN MY HEAD FUCKING HELL

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>>56305928
Okay kids, here's the list.

Never go into a deal with somebody significantly more powerfull then you unless you absolutely need to.

Talk with each other, a good team knows each others capabilities.

Look over said capabilities and use seem if needed, not if it's convenient.

Always use as much force as needed and as little as possible.

And since you belong to those mana people, humans will always accept a mundane answer over a supernatural/paranoid one.

Drugs are bad

Brush your teeth

Your local hobos and dealers ALWAYS know more thant they admit.

And try to keep up at least some style, it might be the end of the wordl but that's no reason to look like it.

>>56325506
Oh >>56325067 , a colleague from the shadows ?

>>56322570
You never heard of the witch god ?

>>56305928
>always wear your most fabulous clothes, and carry a sewing kit to repair any damage done to them after battle or physical activity

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By Benthamel, a class! I haven't seen a class in so long! Weeks, months, ages! Ah, excuse me.
Ahem. What is this, a blackboard, how nostalgic... chalk! Yes, it's chalk! Great heavens! This is your best friend. You can, eh, draw with it. Draw on the walls, on the floors... you see, it is easy to get lost underground. Especially if we are running about, from monsters and such, our map will not be perfect. So make marks on the walls, simple codes, and you'll know which tunnels you've been in and how many times.

Chalk dust, the dust is also invaluable. (That means the same as "valuable," you know.) If you spread it... like this, I am sorry, I am making a bit of a mess... on your hands, it increases friction. Makes it easier to climb. Do not neglect your fitness, girls, because if you are at the bottom of an oubliette in the middle of the night with ogres nearabout it is preferable to save the verbal incantations, even if you must get your hands a bit dirty.
And if you are in tunnels again, you can sprinkle it... yes, I'll clean this in a moment... in front of... see! If I sprinkle the dust near the window and watch it fall, one can see it catch on a draft. What does a draft mean? Yes, you there, kind girl...?
>You can tell the direction of the wind?
Yes, true, but you see, inside of doors there are only drafts near windows and doors. If I sprinkle the dust... here, it falls directly to the floor. And so you can use chalk dust as a mundane means of finding hidden or secret doors by detecting their drafts. If any object is invisible, such as... may I borrow your hat? Selemanost vision procta esterum! It is invisible now, but if I sprinkle the dust... Viola! We can see there is an invisible hat here, beneath the dust. And so chalk is not only necessary for academic endeavors, but for practical magic and adventuring purposes besides.

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>>56305928
Undeath is for cool kids.

The NEP is a good place to vacation.

If you become a god, the far realms is a good place to settle down.

Never fight fair.

99% of problems can be solved by artillery, the other 1% can be solved by magic artillery.

I’ll be handing out business cards in case you guys want to work for me later on.

Anyone with less than 70 charisma isn’t worth your time.

>>56322747
All my search results were hentai.

>>56325540
>witch god
Non habebis deos alienos coram me.

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>Puts down the jug of wine

Alright, I'm not good at this teaching thing but I got a few ideas that even you lot should get so listen up!

First off, you have to be pro-active. Obviously your bread and butter is sitting here reading books and talking all weird but get up and walk around once in a while. Ideas can come from the strangest places.

Exercise as well, I drink considerably but I can still knock out 300 situps when your struggling to do 5. It's good for the mind and helps to sweat out the hang-over if you drink too much.

Don't forget to drink some water as well, that helps some.

>Chugs again

Now then, I havn't quite gotten to point where I wsnt to settle down and have students but I imagine I could teach you a thing or two about punching people. I've punched my fair share of wizards and witches. Hard to cast spells when your ribs are broken.

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>>56324114
Ryoko Kui gets props for unique character design and adding tidbits from her clear background in Biology, but she's nowhere close to the artistic level of Shirahara Kamome.

>>56323395
If the fireballs are being fired from invisible hands, it’s stealth

>>56305928
Never tell the same lie twice.
The best lies are the ones you actually believe.
When you tell enough lies, no one will believe the truth.
You ask two dwarves a question and you'll receive one answer, ask two elves and you'll get two answers, ask two humans and you'll get four.
Make the knife they see more dangerous then the one they don't.
Always open the door you unlocked, or trigger the trap you disarmed, if you don't trust your work, no one else will.
Make your foes think you have more plans then you actually do.
A lie is a lie, but the truth is subjective.
Black never goes out of style.
Faith is more powerful then any weapon or force.
Never trust anyone who asks if you trust them.
For every enemy you make, make two friends.
For every friend you make, make two enemies.

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>>56325796
10/10 Would have as Adventuring professor any day of the week.

>>56305928
Be professional, be courteous and be kind. The last two may seem redundant but often they can unravel themselves from the layers they inhabit and fall away from each other.

You're professional because that inspires if not trust than reliability.Be courteous because no one likes an asshole and be kind because no matter what shade of light or grey or black you fall into, the world doesn't need or deserve more monsters in it.

Aside from that, always surround yourself with good people And when I say good people I don't mean solely competent. I mean good people. A good crew is often what makes the difference between life and death and later on down the line and this will happen no matter what you think or do they might be tempted to stab you in the back. You would do well to surround yourself with those who scoff at such offers even if they're not as good as the ones who would give such offers a second glance.

Aside from that. Those are the tenets I've found success with. There's also stuff like don't trust a dragon and always shoot the mages first, sorry girls, but these I've found have always been more important than that.

Love. If you love someone don't squander it or let it go. Cheesy but I have a boy on my crew. He loved with all his heart once, but the girl he loved, he ran away from her and when she found him she ended up being terrified of what he turned into. He'd still die and kill for any one of us but a bit of him is gone. Now a days he's more like a dog than a man.

If you love, love them wholly and entirely. The alternative of not going for it is always worse.

>>56321632
>birdfolk, rat man, axolotl lady, crocodile woman, squid-man
Anon, be honest, how many of these are the direct results of a mana-restoring herb?
And why the one not letting children go is a slang word for a strong opiate?

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Alright witches, *laughs sheepishly*

First of all; wands, staffs, orbs, rods-- they're all fucking gay. At best you have to lug the damn thing around and look like a dork, at worst you'll end up breaking or misplacing the damn thing. You want to be a real adventurer? Skip the theatrics and get yourself a dependable gem or a ring to focus your power.

Also, necromancy is as much about magic as it is about shovel work. As such get yourself a compact, yet dependable, entrenchment tool and keep it on you whenever possible. You take care of shovel, shovel take care of you.

*proceeds to go into a ten minute lecture on different types of e tools and shovel card*

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>>56305928
"I say, stick to the classics: a little common sense goes a lot further than any code of conduct or guidebook.

If something is too good to be true, it probably is.

Just because you CAN do something with your skillset doesn't mean you SHOULD. Doubly so for you little spell-weavers; better to end the day with a little magic to spare than find yourselves short of it when you're inevitably ambushed.

Pay your dues, regardless of your intentions, and pay them quick. People are a lot more willing to forgive, and therefore hire again, an unscrupolous mercenary that keeps his promises than a kind one that can't.

This should go without saying, but to all you prospective little heroines: don't die. Sure, a noble sacrifice might sound tempting, particularly if doing so might significantly assist your kinfolk, colleagues or friends in whatever fight they're facing. But the simple truth is, there are very few challenges where the temporary advantages of a sacrifice outweigh those of having one more person by your side

Which handily brings me to my next point: it's okay to run away when things get too tough to face straight-on. Doubly so if it doesn't result in leaving allies behind, so make sure you're all on the same page before it comes to that. Other Paladins might scoff at a cowardly group retreat, but I like to believe Redemption is a luxury exclusive to the living for that precise purpose."

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>>56325036
Yes, yes it is.

>>56305928
Why the hell am I having to teach a buncha fledgling magic users? I'm just an alchemist, Dindamnit!
>murmurmurmur
No, screw you, the explosion was not my fault, how long are you jagoffs gonna hold that over my head?
>murmurmurmur
"Lupo's Quarry?!" Well I better be getting five rupees every time some slack-jawed cucco farmer calls it that, then.
>murmurmurmur
Fine, I'll teach them what I know, keep your garters on... Buncha ReDead fondling pig swilling *ahem*
Okay, kiddos, gather 'round. Mister Lupo's gonna lay some truth on you before you set out into Hyrule Field all full of hope and ambition.

First, Zora's River and Lake Hylia are full of Zora piss, and has all flowed under the taint of that bloated prick King Zora. That needs to be taken into account when crafting any potion, lest your Red Potion accidentally becomes a potion of "vaporize half an acre of land and get you hauled before a rather irate Princess Zelda".
Also on the subject of Zoras, they may look majestic as all getout, but on land they're awkard, easily dehydrated, and generally annoying, self-righteous prigs.

Now Gorons, Gorons are okay, for the most part. Mono-gendered, pretty easygoing, and pretty solid cover when arrows and bombs start flying. They can be a bit finicky when it comes to what rocks they eat, but if one ever tells you there's a difference between a rock and a stone, they're either yankin your leg, or being pedantic.

Kokiri are... Well, like little kids. They're born from seeds, so they don't know jack about the birds and the bees for humans. They've got the attention span of a squirrel at best, but their knowledge of herbs, nuts, seeds, and the like is better even than that old fart down at the Hylia Lab. Never, ever, EVER listen to their fairies, though, as those little buggers are just looking for pawns to accomplish their own agendas. Fucken Illumina'vi*ahem*
>cont.

>>56331327
When dealing with the Sheika, don't be surprised if they don't give you the whole truth. They got some shadow war to fight or something, and what they'll ask you to do will probably help them, and maybe the Kingdom, in the long run. Do note, if you're in Kakariko Village, that while their magic protects from evil, drum-loving spirits, it does not, DOES NOT protect from an enraged cucco swarm. Our Kokiri learned that the hard way...

Gerudo... Well, they're exotic and all, and with those honed bodies they can show you a thing or two in the sack... But they prefer to go back to their place for that, and trust me when I say you'd be surprised where all that sand can get. Also, since they got that King of theirs - Ganemyde? Gay-man-dwarf? GANONDORF, that's it! - they've become a lot less trustworthy. Screw it, good rule of thumb is don't trust round-eared humans, they seem more'n'often to go evil for no good reason.

As to adventuring in general, the usual 'always pack a little more than you need' is probably the best general rule you can follow. You don't want to find out you're one Wolfos bladder shy of a mental shielding potion when you're up against a room fulla ReDead.
Speaking of the undead, a good rule of thumb is "hit it until it explodes or dissolves." Especially Dead Hands, blughhhh.

Make nice with people you meet, you never know when you'll need a place to stay, and a barn is better than nothing.
As a side note, when you go to take a break in the wild, make absolutely sure there are no monsters about. It's no fun learning the spot you're trying to sit on is a Peahat when it damn near takes your feet off from behind.

Last but not least. Don't try to "okay" your way through conversations with that big goddamn owl. He's a prick who likes to sneak "should I repeat that?" in, just to mess with people.

>>56306813
FUCK OFF, Laius!

>>56305928
Magic is all well and good, but a sword to the gut never fails. I don't give a shit what your instructors say, invest in some chainmail.

>>56331692
As a wizard that wears Half-plate, I cannot help but agree.
>B-but spell failure.
ANIMA, BITCHES!

>>56305928
>scans the group, eyes stop at the one with black hair and stares at them
You with the black hair, you better not give me any trouble.
Anyway learn alchemy, it's very useful, just make sure to have a clean work-space and set up wards before you do so.
Learn what parts of monsters are useful, this allows you to make the most out of every encounter. learning what different plants do is useful as well.
Acquire as many utility spells as possible, you will not believe how useful they are in a pinch. for example short range teleport, it might not seem like much but it has gotten me and my party members out of a bind more that once.
Have an easy way to track where each of your fellow party members are, this is invaluable and has resulted in saving a party-member's life on more than one occasion.
Always keep some rope on hand, you never know when it will be useful.
Always keep some rope or rope equivalent on you, you never know when it will be useful..

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>>56305928

Alright class, I'm certainly not the one who _should_ be teaching you, but the Paladin insisted that he'd smite me if I didn't do some kind of charity work to prove I'm not 'totally evil'.

So, the first rule of adventuring is, always have a plan to kill everyone you're traveling with. The rogue can be mind-controlled, the fighter can be a shapeshifter, the cleric can follow a God of deceit, treachery, and assassinations and that stranger who you highered to carry your gear could be a spy. But if you're ready for them, it won't matter.

Second, always have a plan for what you're going to do _after_ you've killed all your friends and family members. Personally, I've found re-animating their corpses as skeletons and having them chase you to the nearest Paladin not only hides who they were, but also distracts the nearest Paladin long enough for you to be literally anywhere else when he decides he wants to play 'find what the fu-....reak just happened, and who is responsible for the unreasonably large amount of powerful undead he just had to fight.'

Third, and last lesson on the Itinerary: Why you should always trade other people's souls to contract devils, and not your own.

You can't trust anybody unless you made them yourself.

Homunculi or bust.

>>56305928
If you end up ruling an empire, dont go blowing up cities of people that disagree with you, be subversive and when you get them to hate who you want, start purges and assignations.

>>56332968
Homunculi are notorious for turning on their creator, as a general rule don't create sentient life unless you know what you're doing beforehand.

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>>56333103
It's a little man in a flask. What the fuck can it do, wail helplessly against the glass?

>>56305928
a scarred up steel grey ratfolk steps up next, his left arm and eye replaced by cybernetics, most of the visible fur on that side is white with scars.

"alright runts, listen up and listen good. i'm sure even you backwater rubes have heard of grenades by now. i'm here to show you why you should never try to throw one back." the holosphere in his hand lights up and projects a short video of what is obviously a security cam showing a younger version of himself and another ratfolk pinned down behind a barricade by blaster and slug thrower fire. one lobs a grenade that lands between them. the gun metal grey rat grabs it southpaw and rares back to fling it. only to have it go off, turning his arm up to the elbow into red mist and spraying his left side with shrapnel. his ruined body is thrown to the deck, half his face a red mess with a gaping eye socket and exposed grey matter. "and that girls, is why you just dive for cover and don't try to be a fuckin hero. it doesn't work. you'll just get yourself maimed and likely get your friends killed trying to save your dumb ass. you want to survive a firefight remember three things, always stick to cover, always bring more ammo than you think you'll need, always have an exit strategy." he smiles, showing broken incisors as his left lip twitched fitfully, not drawing back as far as the right.

>>56305928
Making an attempt to be courteous, even to people who don't quite deserve it, can take you quite a long way. World is a big place full of lots of different kinds of people, lots of different kinds of other living things. Having fewer enemies and more friends is a wonderful thing.

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>>56333362
or something...

>>56331787
>B-but spell failure!
Mithril shirts exist for a reason. Expensive? Yeah. Worth it? Only if you like not dying.

>>56333362
You'd be surprised the stories I've heard... and seen happen to people.

>>56305928
Death is lighter than a feather, while duty is heavier than a mountain.

>>56305928
Don't fuck it up

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>>56333445
>Not rocking heavy plate while still being a badass wizard
>And also a tree.

>>56334499
>not just rewriting the whole universe so that wearing heavy armor doesn't make spells fail

>>56307148
I once shot a crossbow bolt with rope tied to it that was long enough so that i still had it in hand after firing it into our wizards back, then got dominated

>>56325796
Kickass response anon.

>>56305928
>Try not to make deals with the stranger at the crossroads. He might not dick you over, in fact she probably won't. But it's been doing this for a very long time, and as such is infinitely better at deal making than you are, and it's not clear what they want.

>Ok a related note, just don't make deals with the Fae, because they will dick you over. In fact, they might dick you over even if you don't.

>Sieges are a suckers game. If you must get involved, get paid upfront, and if possible, get a strictly advisory role

>Make sure someone has your back. If possible, make sure they have your back to the gates of hell itself

>Your professional reputation can mean the difference between eating and not eating. Pissing off the client should be an absolute last resort.

>Lastly: you can't get paid it you're dead, and you don't get a share of the stuff. So don't door

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I'm surprised this hasn't been posted yet.

>>56315763
I mean people always talk about the weather, but...

Always carry three wineskins. One for water, cause you need that. One for wine, because in this life you'll really need that. And one for whiskey, because sometimes you'll need to bribe the bard.

Point man is just a polite way of saying "meat shield"

Prestidigitation, like alcohol, can be both the cause of and solution to all of lifes problems. As such only good can come of mixing the two.

When pretending to be the clerics god its important you remember to put on a funny voice and disguise, because if he finda out its you he will hold a grudge.

Don't worry about bar tabs, just get your hand on a monocle and a tome written in deep and they'll believe your rich, which makes it easier to rack it up before skipping town.

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>>56305928
This simple trick has allowed me to win every swordfight I've ever been in with ease!

>>56319597
can we learn about bovine humanoids?

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Rolled 2, 6 = 8 (2d6)

>>56305928
Rolling for benis length

>>56321632
>a bunch of fantasy races
>and also Haitians
what?

>>56316280
what a fancy japanese MLP you have there

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>>56305928
>Sword fighting is kinda like making love.
>It's not always what you do, but what you say.
>Any fool pirate can swing a sharp piece of metal around and hope to cut something...
>...but the pros... ...they know just when to cut their opponent with an insult...
>...one that catches 'em off guard.
>You see, kid, your wit's got to be twice as sharp as your sword.
>Let's try a couple of insults out, shall we?
>Okay...
>...imagine this: We're fighting up a storm...
>...just like Carla and I were doing at Port Royal.
>There's a sudden break in the fighting and I say to you...
>...'You fight like a dairy farmer.'
>You respond with?

>>56305928
Right everything down. Never not write things down. Even if they may seem useless, you never know when you might need it later.

Additionally, despite what you may believe, blood is not a suitable substitute for ink.

>>56305928
source?

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>>56336097

>>56305928
No matter what, be good, even if it means you might die. There is nothing in the world more important and valuable than doing the right thing, even if it hurts you.

>>56335280
>>56327887
Haha, girls, please! You are too kind. I am sure that if I were to linger you all would tire quickly of this old man's ramblings. I only imagined that you have all had enough of magical theory in your normal studies. You see, back home, I was myself a lecturer and professor of divination at the academy. (Divination, if you do not know, is the art of seeing that which is normally invisible... future worlds, enchanted hats, and so on). But seeing a place in a crystal ball is not the same as having been there... and so I applied for leave to work on my travelogue, because reading about a place is almost as good as visiting.

Ah, but I've only proven myself! Listen to me, tottering on about my life story. How about this -- I will donate, to your tutors as payment for your time I've wasted, a copy of my book when I've finished with it. And then I can tell you everything there is to know about my country, and perhaps some things about your own, and when you are bored with me you can put me down for a while. Go for a walk... in a park, perhaps, or talk to your parents...
Ahem... It is nothing. My son is... he is near this age, and at academy as well. Ahem. It is only chalk dust...
Ah, yes! That does remind me. In a pinch, you can also use chalk dust as a weapon of sorts. Really! It can be quite the irritant. Just as I have shown you that it can be used to reveal, it can also be used to conceal... by blinding your attacker. And so we can see that, in some cases, a simple application of wit and preparation is all that is necessary to conceal or reveal the invisible.

>>56336494
>scribbles notes down
What other things can we use professor? Marcela once used ink to track a mouse that I turned invisible, but that made a big mess.

>>56336687
Ah, ink! Very clever. You mean, specifically for finding things which are invisible? Well, flour is also popular: aside from the obvious baking utility, it can be thrown into the air and used similarly to chalk dust. An important thing to know about flour, however... is anybody here from a farming family? As it happens, common flour, suspended in air, is extremely flammable. Explosive, technically. It's astonishingly dangerous, but of course the trade off with chalk dust is that you can't eat chalk dust, ahaha...
I suppose that, if you were actually asking about improvised weapons, I've just given you another one... oh dear. I'm not going to wind up in trouble for this, am I?

Tough act to follow the professor over there, haha, great teacher he is. Great companion too, little eclectic but he's there in a pinch.

Uhh anyway, I'm a soldier...well used to be a soldier, but that's not the point. Umm, so you've got make sure you've got good tools. Out on the battlefield err, dungeon you can only ever truly rely on yourself. Well you have your party uhh like the professor over there. Did I mention him? Oh I did, I see.

Sorry guys, ha I've uhh I've got a daughter that's about your age back...back home. I haven't seen her in a while we uhh, well she lives far away yea really far away. I wish I could...I wish I cou-. Could tell her all the things I've learned on my travels, She loved bedtime stories, do you guys like bedtime stories?

Probably not I guess ha, you're too old for that now. You're off into the world, make your own way. That's good, you guys, you...

Err anyway! I don't mean to ramble, umm maybe you guys could ask me some questions? I've stumbled across enough magical traps to know a thing or two!

>>56336848
Flour equals explosion. Got it!

Do you know about herbs mister professor? I want to become an herbalist when I'm bigger! I've made a couple tin..tink...tink-sures but they made my throat itchy. Mistress Catherine says I couldn't tell a dandelion from a black lotus!

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>>56336933
>from a black lotus
Please tell me you didn't use a 20,000gp flower as one of your ingredients.

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>>56337034
I was looking for a black am...ama
>flips through notebook
Am-a-ranth. A black amnerath. It was hard to find it looked like this!
>taps a blank page with wand a few times
See? A black ambernath!

>>56336933
Good heavens...
I'm afraid that the herbalists were a different department to myself, but I do remember an incident from one of my adventures in which I encountered an adept one. She was a druidess of the wilds who was quite capable of finding the most remarkable berries, which had a rejuvenative effect on those who ate them. The only problem was the manner in which she was prone to delivering this medicine. You see, the berries only released their healing juices once they were quite pulped, as by chewing, and... well, rather alarmingly, she preferred to chew them herself, to make sure it was done properly She would then proceed to, er, apply the admixture of saliva and berry-pulp to her patient in the manner of a bird feeding its young.

Thankfully while I was in her company I managed to avoid any harm that would have necessitated this treatment. For my own usage, the most complex tincture that I am familiar with would be essence of willow-bark for the prevention of headache. Write that one down -- it will be good for when you are older, and taking exams, haha.

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>>56305928
Well, I only really know about swords, but here it goes.

You are never guaranteed to win a fight. Retreat is often the best strategy, and you can usually tell if things are going bad for your group after the first few hits are scored.

Battles of attrition are for idiots. If you're in danger of bleeding out after winning every fight and the mission isn't even accomplished yet, you're doing something wrong. And your poor healer is being stretched thin as it is.

The key is to know exactly how you're going to win the fight before it even starts. One strategy is to always get the drop on your enemies. The other is to force your enemies to fight on your terms.

You are almost guaranteed to lose, and then die in all likelihood, if you allow yourself to fight on your enemy's terms.

All this silly talk about "superior technique" or "weeaboo fightan magic" is nothing short of nonsense. If you've gone through basic training in your combat profession, you know how to fight. Thinking beyond the fight itself and manipulating events to work in your favor, such as laying ambushes and traps, is how you consistently WIN those fights.

>>56306813
Im "actively" playing a campaign where we are in the desert, and our DM is counting if we eat/drink enough, water isn't a problem (cleric) but he took away our rations due to travel time. So we have been living off the wildlife encounter, I now know to stand around with intent and talk bullshit so he rolls random encounters. (How long till he catches on?)

>>56305928
Never show up to a session empty handed, unless you're hosting at your place.

If you find an orc baby after clearing out their camp, don't let the paladin see it.

If you have two rogues in your party, you have too many rogues.

You will never find an unguarded treasure that isn't booby trapped.

Learn healing magic. Use it liberally. People are less likely to persecute you if you're a doctor.

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>>56337134
Willow bark? Hmm
>flips through textbook
Um mister professor? It's not listed in the ingredients of my herbalist textbook, could you look In here for it?
>hands you a thick leatherbound book

It's got all kinds of weird plants in there, even mushrooms! There's kingsfoil, wolfsbane, nightshade...

It has weird pictures in there too but the book says those are for advanced students so I don't look at those.

>>56337263
That's not too surprising, I'm afraid, many of the more advanced texts leave home remedies to cookbooks... and this text certainly is VERY... advanced. Yes. Oh my, you weren't in jest about those pictures...
I'll tell you what, I'll just have a chat with your teacher about this textbook, and in the meantime my good companion here >>56336876 who has been so patient can tell you all about that time we got caught in the belly of a man-eating plant and how he managed to defeat it. He tells the tale much better than I.

>>56309795
>HEY. I /am/ a female.
Tits or gtfo

>>56337392
The plant? In the southland? Nasty nasty thing that was. Where to begin umm...okay okay.

The southlands...well I guess it's more southwest from here...southwestlands? Anyway, they have some extraordinary things there, really I mean they have food, views, women, you name it! Um so me and the professor ate in a mission, err, quest...

The food? Oh yea it's really something else, I ate a fruit bigger than your head! Well you've got a tiny head under all that hat, but it was bigger than my head! And sweet as honey I tell you, everything is bigger down in the south!

But oh, what was I saying? Oh right the missi-quest rather. We were told to collect the shed skin of a basilisk. Every seen a basilisk? Ugly monsters, really truly nasty. Big as a house! Well like a small house, maybe an outhouse... but big! I figured since we needed the shed skin it wouldn't be too hard, no fighting anything. Well apparently, and this is where schooling is super important guys, apparently basilisk skim hardens into stone a few hours after they shed it. The professor knew that, he knows everything , great guy over there. So we had to find the basilisk wait for it to shed and get it back to the commander, err, client. Client . Before it turned to stone! Pretty exciting huh?

So we set off , took about two days to get the trail of the damn thing. Oh sorry I mean darn thing, this is a classroom not a barracks haha. So yeah we found the trail , not a very sneaky creature. Everything they look at dies so you just, you know, follow the bodies?

He didn't kill any people, well I think it was a he, I didn't check to be honest. Just livestock and other wild animals. So after about a week of searching the professor thinks we are close to its nest and for me, for me that's just the best news ever. The southlands are really great but I don't, I'm not a jungle guy you know? This armor gets pretty heavy and being in hot humid weather doesn't help much at all.

>>56336216
Haitians are the strangest fantasy race

>>56337622
Anyway so we are on the trail right by the big ugly monster. It's almost dark so we decided to wait til morning. Basilisk eyes glow in the dark did you know? That deathly gaze works even at night! So.me and the professor are cooking up our dinner. That's a big skill guys. Being able to cook out in the field , dont ever doubt a delicious meal!

So anyway there we are cooking some.meat over a fire when the most delicious smell hits our noses. Seriously, it smelled like an angel was preparing breakfast. I felt like I was in a dream! Next thing I know we are falling! Yea falling just like rocks! Turns out the smell was some sort of pitcher plant, it was huge! Big as the basilisk and he's like a house! But this plant was deep, at least 10 feet, I told you everything is bigger down south!

So there we are and the plant starts releasing this green fluid. Apparently it was trying to digest us, so the professor casts this powder everywhere. No idea what it was, nasty stuff though u was coughing for hours and my eyes were burning something fierce. Yes even through my helmet! So the plant stops with the fluid, it's only about ankle high, but it's eating into the professors boots! Not mime though these greaves are dragonscale, whole armor is actually, pretty cool right?

Huh, yea I had to kill a dragon for it, why? Oh that's for another time, it's not that impressive really. You can make some great gear out of them, the dwarves know how to work the hide and bone, great little niggers the dwarves. Real kind folk once you get to know them. Oh I'm rambling again aren't i?

Back to the plant, so I take out my sword. See it here? Yea it's bigger than you guys haha. So I take it out and slash at the plant walls, try to kill it you know? Imagine my surprise when I couldn't cut through it! This is a sharp blade kids look it cuts right through paper! So I thought what are plants weak to? That's right FIRE! Ferrus ignis! Haha see? Not bad for an old soldier huh?

>>56337779
So the plant starts convulsing, guess he didn't like having a fire in his belly haha. So he starts shaking and writhing and the next we know he's launched us into the air! Well I'm not one for being eaten so I went back over there and gave him another taste of my blade! He made a fine grilled salad haha!

>>56336216
It was a friend's pirate home-brew setting and system. Obscenely powerful Voodoo practitioners had 'uplifted' certain species of animals to serve them. So the Crocs, the Axolotls, the Birds, Squid, were all uplifts, who each worshiped a specific practitioner as their god: Salty mama, Bird-Father, etc.
Rats, however, were test animals, so they wound up with incredible susceptibility to magic, and the odd mutations like croc-style bodies, hairlessness, albinism, etc.

>>56336253
"Funny, you're as graceful as a cow!"

>>56336295
See >>56324411

>>56305928
ALWAYS BRING ROPE

>>56339466
>ALWAYS BRING RAPE
Fixed your little typo. No charge; happy to help.

>>56305928

The comforts of home aren't as far away as you think when you are deep in the wilderness.

Some adventurers live out of flimsy canvas tents, in horse hair filled bags on the ground. This is a great way to wake up sore, tired, and grouchy.

Some say the only way to have a hearth in the wilds is to spend thousands and thousands on magical trinkets, or waste precious energy on conjured dwellings.

A few hundred gold is all it takes to travel the wilderness in comfort. A sturdy wagon, a stout ox, a yurt. If you can afford even the most basic of magical weapons, you can afford to buy yourself all the equipment you need to make the weeks of traveling you will do early in your career.

You can't do everything yourself, and there are plenty of people willing to risk life and limb for a good salary. Hire people to help handle the day to day things. Hate cleaning? Hire a maid. Suck at foraging? Hire a local herbalist and hunter. Not good with animals? A skilled farmhand can keep them happy and healthy. These people are worth their weight in gold as your holdings expand, and they WILL expand if you want to eventually retire.

Titles. Land. Office. These are the things you truly adventure for. With these, your words will hold true weight. With these, you will be able to right wrongs that not even the mightiest of spell or legendary blade could solve. No one is going to listen to a crazy murderhobo living out of inns or the wilderness. They will listen to a duchess, a baroness.... Maybe even a princess.

>>56334710
>Then got dominated
I mean, between two consenting party members...

>>56305928
"If you're ever going universe hopping, remember to pack ample amounts of spaghetti, cooked meats, soda water and at least two boxes of thin mints."

"Keep an eye on any furred-friends of yours. they tend to do strange things at the camp fire..."

>>56319893
>On a related note, history is written by the victors.
Holy shit anon my sides.

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>>56340892
Look at this hoopy frood who forgot to bring a towel!

>>56339866
Anon no

No

>>56343255
Well, no interuniversal eldritch horror has asked him for a towel yet but a lot have wanted food or thin mints...Probably should add towels to the list, you never know who you're bumping into.

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"uhm sure, I've learned a lot when dealing with these eldritch horrors. they twist your mind, making you think your safe and comfy until you lower you guard. one doesn't usually know they've been possessed 'till it's too la-"

>>56305928
The rest of the party fucks off, but the Paladin gives them a 'with great power comes great justice!' speech

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>Don't wear black for night work. Dark gray, dark green, dark brown, dark blue. If it's dark enough that it's black, it don't matter what you're wearing 'cause it's too dark to see anyway. And don't run, least not 'til things have already gone pear-shaped.

>Day work, wear something you can get rid of. A big hat. A fake beard. A brash coat. I sta -- steal from a fellow, somebody goes, 'Thief, theif! The one with the coat!' I run, ditch the coat -- don't matter where -- and I stop runnin'. No more man with a coat to catch. They find the coat, they find their guy, but I'm already gone. Distraction is the best disguise. Came up with that myself.

>>56305928
I really like fire but unless you got the stomach for the stench of burnt ratmen pick up cleaner magic

as for other practicals of magical combat have a spear or dagger a shocking grasp is good but you can stab him in the face too its better trust me
in training try not to hold back don't vaporize your friends but an enemy will try to vaporize you and a beast wont hold back

now for those among you that think your selfs stern enough I have much to show you and the rest you may learn how to protect youeself yourself

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A'right, well first thing's first. I'm old as hell and have survived more shit trying to kill me than what's probably still alive ta say so. I've been cruel, been kind, been a bandit, and I've been a king. Last one didn't work out so good, shocker that. Think I was a giant village eating storm wolf, once, but I'm a bit foggy on that. Bare in mind, I am not a good man. I am not a right man. And I'm sure as hell not a wise man.

But one thing I learned in all those years? Be good, for good. Taking everything you've ever wanted at the point of a sword, coin, power, women... men, I suppose if you're into that. Regardless, a man who lives fast, vile, and bloody will find only a fitting end when he's forced to face the pain he caused. Be it in the form of a vengeful child, or the new generation learning from your example and nailing you to a fucking tree.

Evil is a fast, fun ride that ends in pain for everyone and is forgotten to the annals of history, there's no meaning to it.

And if you're going to be good? Be good. Fuck the logistics of it and don't think too much. Fuck the Gods for falling the paladin when he spares an infant they aren't fond of. Fuck the caravan you're rushing to rescue if a child is lost in the wild and needs to be led home. And by all means, fuck the "greater good". Ending a hundred lives to save a thousand don't mean shit when you see the faces of the hundred, their weeping widows and broken children. There is no "thousand men" only a thousand single lives, and not a damn one is worth more than the other. There are no numbers to a person's life. I mean unless we're talking about killing the cunts that deserve it, regardless of consequence, then by all means keep a tally.


.... 'pologies for the language, ma'am, but honestly what were you expecting?

so, magic is nice and all, but also wrong, dangerous, evil and against the laws of thermodynamics and energy conservation. When shit hits the fan there's nothing that beats a solid, sharp piece of steel and skill. Except for, maybe, a gun. So everyone: today you're going to learn about daggers. How to hide a dagger, how to wield a dagger, how to use a dagger in any situation of your life. Rule nr1: don't stab anything you don't want to see dead Rule nr2: have fun kids, here are your daggers.

Adventuring is dangerous. In your will ask to be buried with a shotgun. Death is not the end.

As useful as your magical powers may be, never neglect to pack mundane tools before you set out on your adventures. You will never regret bringing a good stout coil of rope along with you.

>>56325999
mission accomplished faggot

>>56339717
thank you

>>56349113
>against the laws of thermodynamics
Who's going to enforce them, physics cop?

>>56305990
As long as they’re fancy gloves

>>56306813
Sir how do you keep sneaking into these classrooms?

>>56357547
>dipping fancy gloves into vats of possibly acidic bellowfrog organs
Why on earth would you do that? Anything other than good practical leather is a mistake

>>56305928
When burning heretics, always spread the divine flames evenly amongst the misbegotten.

>>56305928
Primaris psyker
>Now, as a primaris psyker my job is to... well I level cities if the inquisitor asks me to. Even though it sounds like a major undertaking and a requires mountains of power, really I just let lose and experiment on what I can do.
Have you ever seen a traitor knight engulf in flames and trample it's allies? I have.
Inquisitor
>now class, you best behave. You done want me coming back and having to act all not-nice would you? Anyways... You, the kid with the black hair. How would you like to see the stars and serve the emperor?
Guardsmen 1-3
>... And then, the whole transport exploded! We survived, the inquisitor was pissed, and the tech priest nearly had a stroke. All in all, the lesson is, don't try and out run a traitor knight. They won't try and crush you, just shoot.
Tech priest
>... and that is why you should replace your liver with a purifier. Never trust a voice you cannot see, or a voice you can see... don't trust anyone. More than likely you will be betrayed.

>>56357612
They never lock the secret passages!

>>56305928
Sometimes, cannibalism is okay.

>>56362732
... brilliant. That's practically lesson-worthy

>>56363660
Watch out for Wendigos though.

>>56370352
They can find their own meal!

>>56370352
Or Ghouls. Nasty pieces of work they are.

>>56305928
You are not a murderhobo if you have a regular address.

>>56307371
https://youtu.be/PUMCIn2swTU

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Rolled 5, 3 = 8 (2d6)

>>56305928
Roit, furst ya take one'a deez runty gits here, an' load'em inta da hoppa.
>Omnissiah's cogs, don't do this
Den ya point da gun at wunna dem mega-armah'd Mureen boyz-
>You don't even know what will happen. Remember the defiler incident?
an ya pullz da trigga, loik dis.
>01000110 01010101 01000011 01001011 01001001 01001110 01000111

>>56374873
See, Sparky? Ain' nuffin' ta worry about!
>Omnissiah preserve me...
An' lookit all shooty and stuff, dats roit flashy.

Blood Axes Mek with the still living upper half of a techpriest attached to his back.

>>56305928
>"Okay ladies, can anyone tell me what the age of consent in this country is?"

Never tell the truth unless you have to, and make DAMN SURE you keep notes so you can keep your ridiculous stories straight.

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>>56375006
It’s whatever you want it to be if you are a strong enough wizard

>>56376390
Someone gets a gold star

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The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and the only true way to completely destroy an enemy is by making them your friend. Conflict, while prevalent in todays world, is rarely if ever the needed solution to a problem. Follow your brain, and your heart. Not your fists, nor your weapons.

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>>56305928
Never trust a Bothan, even if you're in the Rebel Alliance. Especially if you're in the Rebel Alliance. Goddamn Bothans.

>>56376848
What he said, but include ewoks and albino wookiees.