>>67964177
>some of the mud got into the tanna machine and broke it
Explain to whatever magos is assigned to maintinence about how they deliberatly defiled a blessed machine.
Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

DICKY NEEDLES

>>67964177
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>woke up in a cargo container hung over from my time of the hive city
>wearing a commissar's gear for some reason
>fuckitwhynot.vox
>walk across the trenches looking authoritative
>sees some Tricorn's tossing mud at the felinid heavy gunner
>feelsbadman.voxcast
>raise a bolt pistol at the men and order them to stop or i will shoot
>claim that such acts are heretical
>pleasework.pray

>>67965179
>be Tzeentch
>trying to make a complex scheme that doesn't get fucked up for once
>see some Felinid
>perfect.warp
>Plant the idea in the head of some guardsmen to throw mud at him
>crap
>cant think of anything else
>just let this play out just to see what happens
>justasplaned.heresy

bump

>>67964177
>>67965179
>Be Emmanuel Lafleur, 9th Baronette of Terawatt Bridge, Scintillan Fusiliers
Mon dieu! That abhuman auxiliary looks like corgi chien
woof woof corgi chien! woof woof
Someone throw mud on it so it make that face again!
honhonhonhon it looks like corgi chien when it make that face
This is so boring, let us go play dice rolling and take shot of amasec
>Some commissar tells us to stop throwing mud at corgi chien
But we already stop, henh
>Don't really care what commissar says, only special commissar attached to regiment can discipline Fusiliers

>>67970829
corgis are welsh

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>>67970863
The appearance of Scintillan Fusiliers is mostly based off of 18th century French soldiers, so I feel justified depicting one as a lame French stereotype, though Scintilla is big enough to have many different cultures. The corgi insult is taken from the original post. I feel though that corgis are the type of animal that could plausibly be familiar to the decadent nobility from many different worlds.

It'd be better if you played GURPS

>>67970829
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>dickheads fuck off
>walk around to the gunner ask him if he needs any help in my best commissar voice
>hoping that no one calls me out
>seems to work so far though
>emperorprotects.voxcast

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>>67964465
>Be techpriest
>Applying lube to toaster with vigorous thrusts from lube dispensor
>Some guardsman shows up, and hesitates for a while before telling me that some guardsman from another regiment wrecked the tanna dispensor
>Technically I should be mad, but I never miss a chance to apply lube to sacred machinery whose inner workings have been jammed up by grit
Fear not trooper, I will begin the Rite of Lube Application on the compromised machine spirit at once!

>>67971654
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>sees a toaster fucker
>keep my commissariat spaghetti in my pockets as best as possible
>tells the priest to be quick about it, and try to be quiet about it
>turns around and walks off to inspect the trenches

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>>67971596
>>67971654
>>67971718
>be support gunner Trosk
>have to start cleaning Sasha again
>commissar got the remaining Hatfags to bugger off
>notice he's wearing Cadian regalia
>wat
>about to ask him if he's a real commissar
>while this is happening also notice a techpriest begin to murder-rape the tanna machine back into functionality
>thefuckingmechanicus.toaster
>turn attention back to the sketchy commissar
>"Bы пoтepяли или чтo-тo пpиятeль?"

>>67971745
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>the felinid asks me a question in some odd language
>ohno.vox
>wait.vox
>heard something like this before
>pulls out a ration i got from the bar last night
>its made of bread, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and a few slices of both ham and bologna
>"Sandvich."
>toss it to him and walk away hoping he doesn't inquirer further
>realize i still have a flask in my pocket
>wonder who's this uniform was
>check my bag when i get to a unoccupied tent
>bolter ammo...combat knife...oh!
>a dataslate
>unlock it...
>memory starts to come back
>oh no...

>>67971863
>be Tzeentch
>damn that commissar
>wait a minute
>who is he?
>gonna have to check my file on him
>but that Tricorn mud party dint realy work...
>Might have to call in slanesh for this one...
>justasplanned.warp

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>>67971654
>be small pieces of mud and rocks in the tanna machine
>be inanimate
>have no sentience
>be broken up into smaller lube covered pieces slightly sexualized force is exerted on the machine I’m jammed in.
>be grinded into a thin powder-lube substance as the machine comes to life and breaks me down further.
>be forced into some crevice inside the machine to remain forever
>was previously doing my job lying on the ground and now unable to do so
>my face when

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>>67971863
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>mfw i might have fucked a commissar and switched clothes with her
>that means that there is probably some pissed off commissar wearing a guardsman uniform right now trying to find out how to get to my position
>mfw she has my heavy stubber
>mfw she might die with my stuff

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>>67971654
>>67971988
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Need tanna
>No one is in line for tanna machine
>Suspicious but also really fucking need my tanna
>Pour self a cup, and take a sip
>It tastes like mud, oil, cпepмa, but also tanna
>TANNA!!!
>Chug cup, then a second, then a third

>>67972183
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>walk to the recaf machine
>shakily poor myself a cup
>tastes like shit, but that is the guardsman standard
>standing next to some guards-woman with "Sasha" on her tags
>could have sworn that the felinid called his gun that
>odd
>ask her what her orders are
>stand tall as i do so as to not choke on the shitty recaf

bump

>be me
>alpha legionnaire
>hiding in barrel
>forgot why I was here.voxcast
>which side am I on again?

>>67972537
>be elderfag Arnok
>be cursing on my new warpbike
>feels nice, but kinda board
>see some metal man fucking a gun to life
>ihaveseensomeshitbutboiwhat.old
>zoom by and hit the metal man with my bike

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>be me, Transcendant C'tan Gi'bbior'hrish
>security protocols of necron tomb holding me weaken
>break out from the earth and see a bunch of fleshy assholes everywhere
>see one of them shoot me with a tiny red laser
>get irrationally angry over it
>start shooting lightning at everything

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>>67972684
>>67972597
>>67972537
>>67972253
>>67972183
>be support gunner Trosk
>managed to get all the mud out the firing breach
>pick up the sandvitch the commissar threw at me and put it into my tactical webbing
>I save for later
>Notice the sounds of tech-sodomy have changed
>time for tanna
>both the "commissar" and the conscript that has the same name as my gun start drinking from the tanna machine that's just had cyberdong inside it
>suddenly a blue thing explodes out of the Scintillan tent
>fucking Slaanesh cultists
>mfw it starts shitting lightning everywhere

>>67972796
>>67972253
>Be "Imperial guardswomen Sacha"
>There's the guy from yesterday night who is wearing my uniforme
>Can't ask him to go back in a tenté and Switch our uniformes back
>Cultists are attacking
>Emperor damn it
>Throw the heavy stubber at his owner "commissariat Oscar" and take my own weapons from him
>Hopethatnobodywillseeme.collegues
>Get out to the battle still on guardsman uniform

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>be me
>be necron lord shoved in the middle of bumfuck nowhere after laughing at the Overlord when he tried to drink something
>have to watch this shard
>as in ACTUALLY WATCH IT
>wanna stasis HAHA FUCK YOU
>fucking crypteks
>bored as shit
>only company is the maintenance spyder and this weirdo with a tail
>keeps phasing in and out of the containment cell
>fuckin stares at me for a few months
>floats off after
>have no idea what he’s doing
>have no inclination to know what he’s doing
>considering if a scrapped spyder could make a good balance board when zap
>black out
>wake up, dusty as shit
>shard is pissing and shitting lightning everywhere
>spyder is trying to manhandle it with its spyder hands
>weird tail fucker is nowhere to be seen
>i’m covered in some kind of liquid
>surrounded by angry looking humans who keep yelling at me in the most ANNOYING language
>mfw I start considering self-destruction

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>>67973208
>>67973115
>>67972796
>Be support gunner Trosk
>there is lightning
>There is another metal man
>the techno-fiddler is gone
>Sarge is not here
>Scintillans are running around being useless
>The conscript is trying to swap clothes with the commissar
>Ogryns are being Ogryns
>I need an adult
>Grab Sasha and start spraying 'n praying into the blue thing

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>be me
>be Corporal Zeeg Faess
>re-stationed from my penal regiment
>forgot the number
>forgot my uplifting primer too
>commissar put me up on the watch tower
>said it was less work than disciplining me
>probably didn't want to waste ammo
>las-cannon stopped humming an hour ago
>spotlight still works though
>see some hullabaloo with some dog shooting at the fops
>commissar told me to report if I saw any movement over the walls
>lasfire, blue lights, yelling
>looks like a mechanicus bumfight
>but its inside the walls
>don't want to report something I wasn't supposed to be watching
>don't want to tell the commissar about the lascannon
>don't want to have robo-dicks deepthroating the equipment again
>don't want to leave my post
>slurp my tanna
>its cold

>>67973208
>be me
>elderfag Arnok
>necrons might be at it again
>phone over the warp that we might need assistance as the monkeys are trying some weird psyops on us with their leadership, as well as confirmed presence of necrons
>get a bunch of snorts and whoops in response
>damnititsgonnabeashitshow.dust

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>be me
>be genestealer hybrid
>somehow got fucking recruited
>painted my third arm grey, everyone thinks I'm some metal freak instead of a mutant
>miss grandpa broodlord
>hear screaming
>catboy is freaking out with a metal smurf
>whatever.synapse
>one of the funny talking men is dead
>decide to check if they really do taste like frog
>best rations I've ever had
>some space whore tries to hit on me
>probably wants my food
>screech at her until she leaves

>Be me
>Koreg master of Gore
>Leader of the Crimson Horde
>Fleet approaching shitty World
>Gaurd elements on world
>Some other assholes
>It's Khorne time

>>67973115
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>Well, at least I can say I have my stubber back
>elder are here tho
>necrons are here tho
>sees some nasty thing yelling at a purple lady
>probably heretical
>level my stubber on them
>Iamheavyweaponsguy.vox
>hope it killed them

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>Be me
>Geneste- I mean, Guardsman Steeler
>Miss my cult, The Lazy Claw
>I hate the conscription lottery
>But I got a cool bike
>See blue thing explode from tent and shoot lightning
>Plink at it with autogun for fun

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>>67977127
>>67976533
>>67976576
>>67977094
>>67977127
>>67977581
>/b/ support gunner Trosk
>still magdumping at the blue thing
>run out of ammo
>blue thing is not dead
>feck
>remember the words of the drill Sargent
>("get the fuck off of my centaur you hairy bastard")
>sling sasha upon my back
>unsheathe bayonet
>blue thing says some words I'm too retarded to understand
>inhale
>"Я пapeнь из тяжeлoгo opyжия, и этo мoe opyжиe!!!!"
>take a running jump up & latch onto the fucker before vigorously stabbing everything that looks even remotely soft

>>67977624
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>see the blue thing
>fuck
>order my men to attack
>lay heavy fire on it with my stubber
>drink from the flask i have in my pocket
>is this peach snaps?
>Sasha got some taste
>feelsgood.vox

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>be me
>be inquisitor Hereci
>ordo xenos
>stuck on some backwater world
>pretty sure some of the guard are genestealers
>whatever
>hear massive fucking commotion outside my tent
>commissar being a useless fuck
>some felinid trying to stab a fucking C'tan to death
>Necron lord looking like he wants to kill himself
>genestealer guard eating slaaneshi whore
>get vox informing me there's a Khornate warband approaching
>mfw

>>67964177
Felinids are quarantined to their homeworld, they don’t fight in the Imperial Guard.

Ok but who asked?

>>67978146
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>trying to gun down a C'tan
>sees a inquisitor
>keep guardsman grade spaghetti in my "newly acquired" commissariat uniform
>ask him to help me kill this fucking thing

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>>67978535
>be inquisitor
>commissar in ill fitting uniform walks up to me
>dude looks green as fuck
>probably some Schola graduate who's about to spaghetti himself
>asks how to kill C'tan shard
>remember General owes me a favor for not exposing his eldar porn stash
>"yeah I need a bombardment here from every Basilisk you got"
>run the fuck away

>>67978689
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>I know where this is going
>he wants me to kill my self and all of my men
>tell Sasha to pull back
>order krak grenades
>order the felinid back
>guadsmenloveagoodboom.voxcast
>keep shooting my heavy stubber into it
>die already will you?

bump

>Be Koreg master of Gore
>Landing on planet via drop pod
>So are about 1,500 of bro's
>Traitor Imperial Fists we are
>Serfs are getting our armor down
>Battlebarge above planet
>Your move Imperials.

>>67979477
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>are you shitting me
>the god damn children of the korn are here
>order a Basilisk bombardment on their landing site
>only one is going off
>where the fuck is our suport
>now kinda know why commissars are so pissed
>yell about heretics
>more start to shoot, but still scared
>toss a krak grenade at a heretic
>focus fire on the same heretic until it stops moving

bump

>be fire cast warrior
>se some lost souls on a shitty planet
>must convert/destroyforthegreatergood.commie
>drop down and take aim at a worshipper of korn
>forthegreatergood.wav
>bang.coward

bump

>be some necron lord
>damn racket keeping me up
>justletmesleep.die
>order some of my comrades to go out and silence these fools
>find out I left the water boiling all for my nap
>feels.skull

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>be me, Transcendent C'tan Gi'bbior'hrish
>there's MORE of these ants attacking me now
>just wanna escape those asshole Necrons and go eat nachos
>also want to teach them a lesson for imprisoning me
>and these other fleshies attacking me
>begin gathering and pooling all power into myself
>glowing like a bomb now
>gonna detonate this whole place and then reform

>>67984813
>be fire cast warrior
>sees chaotic being of energy about to do something bad
>get my emp gun
>mightwork.greatergood
>wonder if it will work at this distance
>eh
>pew.tau

>>67985093
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>that isn’t good
>order everyone back
>grab Sasha and the felinid by the collar and dive to safety
>toss another krak grenade at a necron for good measure
>notice a scope glint in the distance
>godfuckingtau.vox
>grab the two again and get behind more cover
>Sasha quietly berates me for stealing her uniform
>shush her and load my stubber
>tosses her a bolter mag
>hands her her flask of Schnaps
>tell her it’s good stuff

Bump

>>67984813
>>67985093
>>67985390
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Chain smoking some lho sticks to get the taste of mud, oil, and cпepмa out of my mouth
>Commissar Sasha (one of dozens of women named Sasha in the regiment) is fighting some big glowing thing alongside some dude wearing her uniform, a heavily armed cat person, and what looks like a tau
>I am going to need at least four more cups of tanna before I even think about getting in a fight with that thing, and a couple of more lho-sticks to wash the taste out of my mouth again
>Besides, no one else is helping them so why should I?

>>67987406
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>first, how many Sashas are there in this unit?
>second, is that one just sitting there smoking?
>had that have been me, commissar or not, I'd have been executed for heresy and laziness
>like hell am I going to die by electric bugaboo while she smokes and drinks away all the rations
>stomp over to her and grab her by the collar
DO YOUR DAMN JOB GUARDSMAN!!!!!!!! I'M NOT GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF YOUR LAZY ASS!!! GRAB YOUR GUN OR BY THE EMPEROR I WILL MOW YOU DOWN WITH MY STUBBER!!!
>might have gone a bit overboard
>but I think that's the closest to a real commissar I have been yet

>>67987644
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>The fake commissar in other other Sasha's uniform comes stomping over to toss around some death threats
>How the hell he didn't get fried by the glowing thing is beyond me
>Also not sure why he is picking on me when there are literally dozens of guardsmen aimlessly running around like chickens with their heads cut off
>Also also not sure why he thinks death threats are going to intimidate me, he is clearly not from Valhalla, I have been getting death threats since before I could walk
Fine whatever "Commissar"
>Flip switch on lasgun to "FULL AUTO"
>Blaze away at glowing thing for a couple of seconds until the clip runs out, as expected this has no visible effect
>Like most conscripts, I have am not supplied with backup clips or grenades since I am not expected to live long enough to use them
>Throw a rock at it just to show that I am still trying
>Fully plan on going back to drinking tanna once everyone's back is turned
>Not sure what everyone is worked up about, the glowing thing has hardly killed anyone yet

>>67987990
>>be me
>>"Commissar Oscar"
NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!!! THE CHILDREN OF THE KORN!!!!!
>points to the chaos tainted space marines
>dawningofrealization.vox
Why are you not behind cover? Wait...why am I not in cover?
>dashes behind a solid and non conductive wall
>gives orders to get behind cover and to shoot at the things you can actually hurt.
>aims my stubber at the Korn fanatics and start shooting with precision
>kinda understand why the orks are infatuated with "daka" now.
>spraying into the chainsword wielding maniacs with predudice
>Ilovethesmellofaheavystubbertinthemorning.vox

bump

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>Be me.
>(DefinitelynotaCustodian) Eye of the Emperor "Invader".
>Be mostly augmetics now.
>Everything is stiff and aches like a bitch.
>Miss having limbs, ones that could actually work properly. Fighting was fun back then.
>Now it just sucks.
>Be stuck on sandball planet, piss middle of bumfuck nowhere.
>Fucking hate sand. It's coarse and it gets everywhere. Hellish for augmetics, and not exactly the most pleasant on the skin either.
>Miss the ready supply of Custodes grade body oil back on Terra.
>Thegoodshit.frictionless
>Remaining ear picks up some sounds happening, and the vox built into the missing part of my brain is picking some shit up.
>Use shitty handmade spear to haul self to feet and start walking to the noise.
>Miss my actual guardian spear. Wish I took it with me, so I didn't have to use this lighter thing.
>Made it out of a crashed valkyrie, a hotshot lasgun, and a bayonet.
>Lean on it because augmetics are playing up again.
>Everything hurts.

>>67964177
>Be Ogg, Bullgryn Oxhillary to 74465th Valhallan Infantry Regiment
>Me an’ the boys are hanging out with da chem-heads
>Begin to hear gunfire, explosions, and screams of death and glory
>Notsurewhattodo.Bone’ead
>Flashy-lighty thing goes through tent
>Shiny robot guy appears from nowhere >looks down at our card game
>Jim waves, and the robot leaves
>Bone’ead comes running in, panting
>Aboutfuckingtime
>”Guys, the recaf machine is workin’ again!”
>thankthegodemperor.praise
>know what to do

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>>67984813
>>67987406
>>67987644
>>67987990
>>67988448
>>67988873
>be support gunner trosk
>still stabbing the blue thing
>can here basilisk fire and screams of heretic
>I hope I'm not the heretic
>Ogryns are still doing nothing
>somehow not been killed by friendly-fire
>stab the blue thing in the eye
>it stops shitting out lightning
>it starts to swell and get hot
>holy frak thet's too much heat
>it explodes
>mfw

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>be inquisitor
>been hiding behind stormtroopers and Taurox ever since chaosfags showed up
>hear explosion
>that furry somehow nailed the C'tan shard
>he's probably dead
>mfw I can steal the credit for the kill now and finally get reassigned to a less shitty sub-sector

>Be me. Eye "Invader".
>Be officially sick of this shit, again.
>Crest a dune, and finally see what in the Emperors name is going on.
>Some Guard camp. Bunch of things exploding and lasfire going everywhere. Zoom in with robot eye.
>Some necrontyr, with a big blue Ctan. Some assorted reactions.
>Some of the traitor astartes landing as well. The violence ones.
>Miss Solar Auxilia. At least they were on top of their game.
>Also miss when the legionaries astartes weren't batshit insane.
>Granted, they were never trustworthy, but still.
>Damn kids.
>Better go sort some shit out.
>Wonder if I can take on some berzerkers. I haven't dropped that much. Maybe if I had a proper weapon, like a power sword.
>Maybe they have one.
>Respirator clicks and inhales fractionally louder.
>Hate the respirator, but living is important.
>Sand isn't.
>I hate sand.
>Could I get a shot off from here?

Bump for interest

>Be regimental commissar
>see felinid auxiliary
>Execute him
>fucking mutants
The end

>>67989917
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>wtf.vox
>did that cat man just knife that thing to death?
>cool
>order focused fire on the new chaos marines
>keep firing into the horde of chainsword wielding nut jobs
>huck another krak grenade into the group
>hope Sasha is proud of me

>>67992551
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>accidentally gun down a commissar
>ahshit.vox
>sees that trosk is hurt
>order a medic to tend to the situation
>can’t let a hero like that die
>medic drags him off as we keep shooting

Bump

>>67988074
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Oh great, evil space marines, this day keeps on getting better and better
>Pour myself another cup of tanna, then walk to the back of the tent where they can't see me
>Fake commissar is hosing everything with his stubber, good job drawing attention to yourself
>идиoт
>Finish cup of tanna, now sufficiently awake that I feel a small flicker of guilt for not helping out
>Some other conscript comes running into the tent looking for somewhere to hide
>A stray bolter shell blows his head off
>Check his rifle, unfortunately it looks like he is one of those unlucky bastards who didn't even get a single clip for his lasgun
>How do they expect us to fight if they don't even give us ammo?
>Shrug, at least I tried

>>67995270
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>damn lazy Sasha
>don’t know why she is hiding
>I “Guardsman Sasha” And The others are doing all the work
>need a plan
>idea.vox
You can smoke and drink all the recaf you want if you kill these fools!
>that should work
>remember the krak launcher
>tell her to grab that

its that time of the month were we do a 40k roleplay?

yay! (c:)

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>>67993301
>>67989660
>>67989587
>Be support gunner Trosk
>being dragged by a medic
>can feel EVERYTHING
>ow
>ow
>ow
>can't feel tail, probably got blown off
>aw well, never needed the damn thing
>ears got clipped by explosion, look like a normal human's now
>most of my body hair is gone
>look down
>breastplate is shredded
>I can see my internal organs
>Fuck it, if I'm gonna die I'm not doing it on an empty stomach
>reach for webbing pocket
>left arm is nonfunctional
>bugger
>Reach into webbing at an awkward angle that causes something to go crack
>anestheticsrequired.oof
>retrieve sandvitch
>explosion lightly toasted it
>nice
>take a bite
>tastes pretty good
>mfw the gaping hole in my chest starts to rapidly heal

>>67996748
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
I smoke and drink whenever I want anyways
>Eyeroll.exe
>Fine, I will help out
>Grab krak launcher
>No idea how to use it
>Toss it over to the fake commissar and the heavy weapons trooper
Enjoy
>Grab another lasgun off some dead guy and find some nice cover to take some potshots from behind
>Luckily the evil space marines are ignoring us for now, pretty sure we are dead the minute they notice our existence

>>67998406
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Hmmmmmm
>Don't see that every day
>Kind of jealous actually
>Hope for his sake though that Commissar Sasha doesn't notice
>Oh look, out of ammo again
>Pretty sure I accomplished nothing except singeing the paint a bit on their armor
>Still doing better than the 99% of the regiment that is doing nothing but running in circles or cowering in puddles of their own urine
>I mean seriously, we are all going to die by the end of the day anyways, why worry about it?
>Pop open my flask of vodka, it is past noon somewhere
>All the screaming and dying is starting to give me a headache

>>67996846
If you are referring to the next Damnatum Lutum thread, I think that is next weekend, this is just people messing around for fun.

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>>67998809
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>get tossed a krak launcher
>mfw the crazy bitch just tossed a highly explosive tube at me
>catch it tho
>take aim at a Korn fucker
>boom.imperium
>take one of lazy Sasha’s smokes
>you didn’t earn it
>backtowork.vox

>>67998870

nah i mean the

>green text

semi-comedy roleplay

>>67992642
>>67989917
>Be me.
>Eye "Invader"
>Decide fuck it, start shooting.
>Good thing about bionic eye, it can be linked up to spear sights.
>Get two of the raving Astartes in the neck.
>One goes down, the other violently decompresses out his neck, but somehow lives.
>Wat.physics
>Decide to manage a light jog as I keep firing.
>Shitty augmetic arms don't naturally adapt to motion. Shitty augmetic legs hurt.
>Usethepainandhate.fury
>Slip on a slightly steeper patch of dune. Shitty augmetics are slow.
>Start tumbling down dune face at them.
>Can't see shit.
>I miss having limbs.

>>68000035
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>see some cog boy fall down a dune
>sees tanka cat heal by eating a ration
>wtf.vox
>can all sandwiches do that?
>will look into it later
>chaos forces starting to dwindle
>not done yet though
KEEP FIGHTING MEN!!!
>at least lazy Sasha picked up a gun
>keep shooting at anything red and heretical
>wonder if there are any inquisitors here
>wonder if I am doing the Emperor proud

Bump

>>68000035
>Be me. Sand ridden Eye Invader.
>Need a shorter name.
>Need a vacuum as well.
>At least I'm closer.
>Rebreather blows out sand as I exhale.
>Closest I've ever come to actually crying since that time in the webway where the Emperor got impaled.
>Miss those days.
>At least it's flat now. Augmetics can run pretty fast on flat. Kinda forces the sand out of my robes.
>Speaking of, could use new robes. Could also use new everything.
>Shoot some of the ones getting a little too close to the Guard group. More die, because closer.
>One had a particularly cool looking power sword.
>I will have that sword, even if I can't add it to my spear.
>Unfortunately, he seemed to stay alive past the dinky las-fire.
>Miss bolt rounds.

>>68002490
>be the bird god of chaos himself
>fuck if I can figure out what is happening
>least it seems to be working to plan
>justasplaned.void
>what now?
>well fuck
>Korn is still here
>in the plus side
>slanesh isn’t here

>>68002490
>Be me. Lord Invader. Eye of the Emperor.
>Be going through snappier name ideas, while shooting at Berserk Astartes.
>Hotshot lasguns aren't actually too bad at going through lighter plates of ceramite.
>And there's probably enough materials to scavenge here to make some functioning plate for myself.
>Granted, not the prettiest, most functional, or generally most sanitary, but enough time pressure washing it out could do the trick.
>Ifnot.promethium
>Spear runs dry.
>Jump at one, still twenty metres away.
>Comeonandslam.spacejam
>Haft of spear breaks off in my hands. Blade left lodged in body of foe.
>Fucking yeet it at another and steal this ones pistol.
>Bolt rounds. Finally.
>Weapon actually booms and kicks in my hand, and the target down the sight explodes.
>Feels good man. For the first time in centuries, it feels good.
>See the one with the power sword.
>I will have it.

>>67998406
>Be Ogg, Bullgryn Oxhillary to 74465th Valhallan Infantry Regiment
>formeitwastwosday.IG
>Hike up my pants as I walk through the camp, watching everyone kill one another
>Seems like less casualties than usual. Different colors today, too
>Boss sez, “Command says, if they ain’t shooting at you, don’t shoot back!”
>That way we don’t shoot our buddies, see
>Jim whinges that something hit him, but he’s just whiny
>Tell him to pull the shrapnel out of his arm and keep going
>Some guardsman in the Commisar’s clothes is yelling at everyone, telling us to get to work, and waving his gun
>He seems nice
>”What should we do, Sacha?”
>Boss scratches his chin, thinking for a minute...
>well, two...
>Anticipation.Ogg
>”If it ain’t a cup of Joe... I don’t want to know”
>fair enough. We keep walking
>See one of them “look-but-don’t-pet” Sasha’s pushing its chest together with a sandwich as we step into the tent
>Gotta try that sometime

Bump

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>be me
>be Necron Lord sitting in what used to be something mechanical
>everythings gone to shit
>shards gone
>spider’s wrecked
>fukken choas humans just arrived
>gaping hole in my chest is only half repaired
>still covered in liquid
>primitive firearms plinking off my necrodermis
>one of the choas notices me, puts a shot through my eye
>actually broke it
>the fucker
>activate lighting field, watch as the dick becomes deep fried in seconds
>SWOI over his corpse, keep frying everything in range
>materialize staff of light in hand, go ham on anything that survived the lightning field
>mfw the spooky cunt still hasn’t shown up yet

>Be Koreg
>Chopping up anybody near me
>Might need to call for backup
>Decide to charge Commissar
>While doing so I vox the barge
>Serfs bringing in armor
>A couple of daemon engines
>It's blood time people

>>68010196
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>big fucking traitor astart starts to charge
>oh no
>order everyone to focus fire in its face
>shoot the krak launcher at its face
>toss a krak grenade at him
>pleasekillit.vox
JUST KEEP SHOOTING!!!!

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>>68004988
>>68011292
>Be me.
>Lord Invader.
>Finally catch the one with the cool sword.
>By putting a bolt through his lower spine.
>Says something about blood and skulls.
>Proceed to pick up sword and bisect head.
>Sword is a make I don't know. Like left in pic related.
>Feel something pushing at my mind weakly.
>Push it out.
>Bolt pistol misfires, throw it at someone.
>Ten thousand years, no servicing does that to a weapon.
>See an officer being charged by a particularly sizeable one. If their simple mentality is anything to go by, that big one's their boss, and the fancy one's our boss.
>Run in to intercept with new sword.
>Can't let the guy in charge escape.
>Uniform on guy in charge looks ill fitting.
>Possibly been stuck here for some time. Lost weight.
>How fun.
>Now to see how well I can use a sword.

>>68000514
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Fake Commissar leaves cover again to take one of my smokes
>дypaчить, that is one of my decoy smokes, plenty more where that came from

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>>68012891
>be some abomination
>pic related
>rip my way through the warp to find myself in a tent with some lady smoking
>mfw
>stand their and wait to see who attacks first
>might be friendly

>>68011292
>>68012283
>Be Koreg
>Krak launcher misses
>Grenade does scratch up my armor
>Big guy approaches
"A Mechanicus member?! Are you foolish enough to face me!"
>That sounded tough
>I used to be a chapter master
>Joined Khorne two years ago
>Imperial Fist successor
>Oh well skull time
>Oil is basically blood
>Chain axe on
>Lightning claw ready
>Khorne time

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>Be Captain of the Scintillian Fusiliers
>Was calling mother back home but got interrupted by quite the ruckus.
>C'est quoi ce bordel?
>Xenos creatures are attacking!
>Why was I not made aware?
>Quickly start to organize and strategize the Fusiliers.
>Let out a quick "Hon hon hon." as volleys of lasfire crash into the xenos ranks.
>Order the two squads closest to me to fire at the large, centaur like warforms advancing rapidly.

>>68013597
>Be Fusilier captain.
>Do my best to manage this anarchy.
>"Reste dans ta rangée ou j'aurai ton cul en argent."
>As I find moments to collect myself and take in the situation I realize there are numerous enemies of the imperium.
>A warrior of the arch enemy is charging.
>"Soufflez ce trou du cul drogué!" I yell into the vox on the channel of nearby units.
>Order the two nearby units to advance on me.

>>68013721
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>wtf did that guy just say?
>i think he wants us to move deeper into that shit storm
>imsorrywhat.vox
>realize that i have dumped 2 belts of heavy stubber into this traitor astarte's face
>wat?
>bitch doesn't even have a jaw
>blubbered something out to a cog boi running at him with a sword
>reload my krak launcher
>take aim again
>aim at the astarte's legs this time
FOR THE EMPEROR!!!
>yell at the inquisitor to help us or he is a heretic
>yell at lazy Sasha to get more krak grenades

>>68014225
>Be Fusilier Captain.
>Damn, that Caca Boudin isn't stopping.
>Order one squad to stop advancing and allow the line to push up.
>Pull the other squad around and behind the traitor.
>"Vous n'êtes pas des putains de sang? Je vais te montrer tes propres tripes, ta bête!"
>Fire a volley into the traitors back and hope he takes the bait.

>>68013183
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Not sure what the Блядь that is supposed to be, but standing here doesn't seem too safe anymore
>Calmly walk backwards until there is some other conscripts between me and it
>Don't want to trigger any predatory instincts by running away
>It seems to be happy just standing there
>>68014225
>Fake Commissar asks for some more krak grenades
>The fraud is lucky that a real commissar is standing nearby otherwise I would just ignore him
>Why she hasn't killed him yet is beyond me
>Pop open the box of grenades that was literally two feet away from him and hand him two more grenades

>>68016644
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>thank lazy
>give her a sandwich
>why not?
>huck a krak grenade again
>why we got so many I dont know
>click.vox
>shit
>outa ammo
>pull out my shotgun
>timetogettheRationingachivement.voxcast
>sees some traitor guardsman run up to me with a axe
>just a axe, not chain-axe or anything
>why don't you have anything else?
>fuck it though
>blow the bitches head off
> https://youtu.be/2Pkj8pI9rlw
>asks lazy Sasha for more ammo for the stubber

>>68016936
>Be Scintillian Captain.
>More specifically Captain Depaul
>More cultists are approaching.
>I need to show bravery, to set an example.
> Stand up atop one of the sandbags and start to taunt the members of the arch enemy, ignoring rounds coming from all sides of the flanking unit.
>Decide to use an old Scinitlian saying, used by the fine nobility of our cultured world.
>Remember that a majority of people here don't speak the language.
>Work out a highly accented version of it in Low Gothic.
>Point to the heretics.
>"You are as smart as an oyster!"
>Wow that sounded more poetic in Scintillan.

>>68016936
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Get free sandwich
>Not sure if it is the type that causes flesh regeneration, but maybe I will save it for later just in case
>Fake Commissar is asking me for more ammo
>I guess I am his personal fetch girl now
>Whatever, I will probably live slightly longer this way
>Head over to ammo tent
>Grab some stubber ammo
>Some nutjob with an axe shows up and yells blood for the blood god, skulls for the skull throne, corn cares not from whence the blood flows, or something like that
>I shouldered my lasgun earlier to carry ammo, so pick up a flare gun instead while he is giving his little speech
I hope blood corn doesn't mind his skulls extra crispy
>....I say before shooting him in the face with a flare
>As I head back to the Fake Commissar with an armload of stubber ammo, I wonder why everyone in the universe except me is such a massive idiot
>>68017178
>This guy gets it

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>>68013462
>Be me.
>Lord Invader.
>Larger Astartes says something about being a mechanicus priest.
>Not sure weather to laugh or be pissed.
>Do both.
"Mechanicus priest? Young one, I am a Custodian. I was fighting wars beside the Emperor himself before your primogenitors even came into existence. Are you foolish enough to face me? Leave now and I may let you live."
>Genuinely hope he does. Four augmetic limbs, in sand, might put this fight closer then I'd like.
>Then again. Custodian.
>Should count for a fair bit.
>Big boi seems about to charge in.
>Time to remember my swordplay abilities.
>Feet go here and here, arm out like this, bend knees, straight back.
>Bitch come at me, I haven't killed something in years.
>And your armour looks about the right size for me.

>>68017491
>Be me. Lord Invader.
>Only realise that this officer that looked to not fit his uniform is pointing a fragging rocket launcher at the Astartes.
>Easier then I thought.
>Once distracted and safe, jump in and stab.
>Easy.

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>Be me, Steele Hanoverfist fourth company, Blood Ravens.
>In the Battle Barge "Chattering Magpie", a gift from some shifty-looking Imperial Fists
>whofuckingnamedthisthing.gift
>Necrons on the surface
>some IG are getting their shit pushed in
>Hey, there's some tau shit on the battlefield.
>xenosgift.grab
>order troops to the drop pods

>>68017962
>>68017291
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>oh yay, reinforcements
>wait...are those magpies?
>oh well
>launch a krak missile at the big traitor
>nailed him in the chest
>load my stubber
>free hand my stubber
>have to dig my heals in to aim straight
>but I graduated top of my class in stubber marksmanship
>lead a war cry in my best commissar voice
STAND YOUR GROUND MEN!!! WE WILL PUSH THESES HERETICAL FOOLS BACK!!! FOR THE EMPEROR!!!!
>”guardsman Sasha” seems impressed
>clickclickclick.vox
>damn it...
>duck behind cover and load again
>this time use the bipod
>10000timesmoreactuate.vox

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>>68018099
>Be Captain Depaul.
>Decide to stick to las volleys and the Scintilian language.
>The traitor astartes has cracks along his power armor from the repeated explosives.
>"S'il y a un temps pour la gloire, c'est maintenant."
>Order my unit to push towards the traitor, while firing shots off.
>Blast another volley at him from close range.
>He charges, and knocks a few men away like bowling pins.
>"Affixez les baïonnettes! Affix bayonets!"

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>Be me, Steele Hanoverfist fourth company, Blood Ravens.
>begin our operation by staggering our drop pod landing in a pattern I've termed "Steele Rain"
>Drop pod touches down; servitor blows the hatches open, we charge out
>It's those Imperial Fists guys.
>Why are they attacking the IG?
>somethingsheretical.here
>some gibbering IG start affixing bayonets and chattering in their chipmunk language
>seems like a good place to start.
>target the IG
>Imperial Fists guys are shitting up the vox with blood corn
>ohshitheresy.terra
>shift aim to those so-called Fists.

>>68016644
>be abomination
>lady backs out of tent ang Grabs box
>drops nice smelling liquid
>stomps across felid to find similar box
>box jingles and shakes when I stomp
>box is small for my clawed hands
>finds her and rips box at her feet
>points claw to smoking stick in her mouth

>>68018502
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>magpies are here doing what they do
>least they are taking the heat off of us
>and I don’t see any sisters of battle
>still got my ammo and krak grenades and missiles
>and we are good in recaf
>seem to be relying the troops around me
>one had the brilliant idea to stuff a rag in something they call vodka and light the rag on fire
>guardsmaningenuity.vox
>now the traitors are in fire
>tanaka seems to be doing well
>what was that that just ran by with a ammo box?
>>68018848

>Be me.
>Suddenly out of a fight Lord Invader.
>Krak missile hit the big guy in the chest. Kicked up a whole lot of sand and nearly floored me.
>Fuck. Wanted the armour.
>Nevermind.
>Found another one about my size and stabbed the guy in the back.
>Small stab. Wanted the armour.
>Always liked MK II plate. It's old, very old, and very basic kit.
>But easy enough to tinker, and very power efficient.
>Dragged the paralysed guy off, slit his throat and chucked him into a tent.
>New shit.
>Blood Ravens.
>Need to bury the dead body first. I will not have the armour stolen, not after all this time.

>>68018099
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Commissar Sasha seems a little too impressed at how the Fake Commissar was firing his stubber from the hip
>Probably explains how their uniforms got switched
>Seriously have a little class, there are plenty of quiet spots and phallic objects in the camp, no need to involve dim witted mouth breeders
>>68018848
>Freakish monster thingy drops a whole crate of stubber ammo right behind me
>Indicates it wants a smoke
>Sure why not, pull out one of my many packs of lho-sticks and hold it out for him/her/it
>Not sure how it is going to use a lho-stick with its giant talons and lack of lips, but life has taught me not to argue with things that can kill you in less than a millisecond

Is this where the story ends?

>Be me, Steele Hanoverfist fourth company, Blood Ravens.
>by the emperor, what a clusterfuck of shit this is!
>traitors, abominations, eldar, tau, -wait, is that a necron corpse?
>Why hasn't it de-rezzed?
>doesn'tmatter.gift
>see someone strip a fallen man out of his Mk. II armor
>Hey, that's a fancy kit.
>Or should I say... a gift for the chapter?!
>Oh boy, my first gift on this deployment and I haven't even been on the ground for more than five minutes!
>I'll charge the dude and just sort of bump him gently out of the way

>>68020280
>Be me. Lord Invader.
>Stripping a dead corpse of quite possibly some of the oldest power armour ever.
>Note the astartes operating all around me.
>Hear hugely thunderous footfalls and motor units snarling, getting louder.
>Iwillnotbedenied.notnow
>Gently shift weight lower and brace for impact with my foot.
>Knee hurts a little, but he rolls over. Pulls the tent away and gets tangled in it.
>Frantically sliding on as much of it as I can.
>Not even connecting it up, just getting it on me.
>Tfw the proper procedure calls for three arming serfs, half an hour of time at least, and some fancy monitoring and carrying kit, but you get the basics on in a handful of seconds.
>Chestplate and leg parts feel clunky around augmetics, and the helmet is one of the super old, fused to chest ones, but that shit can wait.
>Where's the fucking power pack? Or the arms?
>Better not have taken them with his roll.
>Wait, where's my cool sword?
>FUUUUUUUUU

>wasting an entire thread to make a shitty TF2 sandvitch joke
I miss quest threads

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>>68019232
>be support gunner Trosk
>turns out my left arm & leg are completely fucked
>medic had to amputate them
>left eye is kinda broken too
>wish I was out dying for the emperor
>stuck in medicare tent instead
>watch Sasha give some lho-sticks to a roided up Grox
>wish I had some lho-sticks right now
>>68020611
>a big fucking techmarine drags the body of a traitor marine into the tent and starts to remove it's armour
>starts doing some weird rituals to purify it or some shit
>thefuckingmechanicus.robodong
>the medic comes back
>there's a techpriest with her
>he has a crate of machine parts
>mfw I know where this is going

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>>68020611
>Be me, Eye of the Emperor "Invader"
>Finally finished stripping the armour and get it on.
>The helmet is bolted in place and can't swivel, but it keeps the sand out.
>Can probably clean the paint/blood off by jumping in a box of metal shavings.
>Or just wait for the sand to strip it.
>Besides, it's not too bad. Can use my hands for fine detail things now.
>Shame my swords gone now.
>Probably "Gifted" to a certain chapter.
>Wonder how long it'll take before someone realises it's a corrupt sword.
>Hopefully, it doesn't corrupt anyone too influential if it does.
>Now. What to do.
>>68021080
>See abhuman on table.
>Did I just drag this dead, corrupt body into the medicae tent?
>Good work me.
>Drag the dead body out back behind camp. Toss into sand dune.
>Almost wish he were alive, just to experience my suffering of the last several hundred years.
>Now to find a weapon.
>IwonderwhereIcouldfindsomethinglikethat.battlefield
>Unless the magpies have it all already.

>>68018502
>>68019069
>Be Captain Depaul.
>I need to talk to some officers after this is over, promotions are in order.
>A group of guardsmen and their poorly dressed commissar have lit the enemy ranks ablaze.
> A group of friendly space marines are firing into the traitors ranks
>A good few of the nearby men have been shredded by the raging bull of an astartes, but we finally have him pushed back with the help
>Reorder the volley fire.
>"Hon hon hon!" at the traitors.
>Order the men to sing a hymn with me inbetween shots to thank the emperor for sending his angels.
>Have the men nearby start: "Alouette, gentille Alouette!"

>>68022295
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>lazy Sasha is smoking with something akin to...a giant lizard?
>doesn’t matter
>order the unit to advance as we are pushing the heretics back
>fire is effective against the enemy but doesn’t last terribly long
>can feel the contempt radiating off of lazy Sasha
>she is just pissed that we are actually working I bet
>start pushing the chaos fags back
>sip some recaf from my thermos
>itsgoodtobeacommissar.vox
>start to regroup with the guardsman who smell like fine bread
>thank them for the help

Bump

>>68023999
>Be Lord of Change D'saster
>Sense next to no chaos in Ultima segmentum
>Tzeentch you lazy fuck, who are you? Nurgle? Do I have to do everything myself!?
>Pick some backwater planet
>See Khorne's pressence
>Perfect
>Proceed to warpcall some random noise marines
>Hear him snort warp dust. Perfectly normal
>Bribe them with 1000 hectoliters of fenrisian ale to invade with me
>Where did I find fenrisian ale?
>Don't know, but it won't stop me
>Suddenly in a middle of everything rainbow horrors, me, and noise marines blasting Party Hard
>My incorporial ears bleed from all the noise
>Still worth it
>KEIKAKU DOORI!

>>68028043
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>still gunning down traitors as I speak
>wiping out my shotgun in between belts of ammo
>best"commissar".vox
>"Guardsman Sasha" gives me cover fire while I reload
>magpies are killing and looting
>see one of them just grab a guardsman and drags him to his ship
>can you do that?.voxcast
>it matters not though
>get the feeling that there is some warpy bullshit somewhere near
>goddamnit.vox
>load my stubber and ask lazy Sasha for more ammo
>might as well make her useful

bump

>>68028729
>>68028043
>>68021760
>>68021080
>be me
>Choppie da best war boi
>wake up on some sandy planet
>let out a waaagh
>hear nothing in responce
>did the bois leave me behind?
>nah
>grab me chopa and run out to the sounds of krakin'
>the bois must be there
>let out another good one
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Bump

>>68030731
>>68028729
>MERDE!
>Men are complaining about feelings of unholy sickness!
>The roaring of some shit sausage is coming from over the hill.
>I thought we had this couronnée!
>I just want to return to telling douce mère her bedtime poetry, she is too stressed too sleep without it since her three boys left for the guard.
>Give my subordinates standing orders to hold their ground and keep control of the situation.
>I'm sick of doing this with no armor.
>I'm going to threaten the nearest munitorum officer until he calls that Pompe A Chiasse of a warmaster to send down some armored regiments.

>>68019232
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>The monster doesn't seem to be able to hold lho-sticks in its claws, so I leave the whole pack balanced on its snout
>Someone else can figure out what to do with the monster, not my problem
>>68028729
>You got to be kidding me, the monster thingy just dropped a whole crate of stubber ammo like right next to you
>Fine, be lazy, grab some ammo and hand it to him
>Gun down a couple of the axe wielding cultists to relieve some boredom while waiting for the Fake Commissar to inevitably ask me to hand him some more ammo

>>68033054
>stand next to “Guardsman Sasha”
>whisper to her that I’m sorry for the mix up
>load both guns
>hand Sasha a few krak grenades as well
>ask for lazy Sasha for more stubber ammo and bolt rounds
>pray to the emperor for protection
>gonna purge some heretical bitches today
>feelsgood.vox

>>68034337
>can never have too much ammo Sasha
>plus it ain’t just for me

>>68021080
> [Identity :] Technographer Jemin
> [Assignment :] Magos Biologis Aurelian, Medicae and Augmentor to some backwater guard regiment
> My knowledge of military operations = 0%
> My knowledge of medical procedures = 0%
> Am only here because Magos implanted an archeotec microwave in an Inquisitors arm whilst he was sleeping
> [Conclusion :] Magos is a retard
> Situation outside changed. Loud Noises; Carbon Dioxide increase from cigarettes; New meatbags in tent. ~ Situation reevaluation occuring, please hold
> Suddenly cat thing in front of me
> It’s non-binharic meowing is #HERETIKAL
> Am told to affix augments
> {WTF do I do} [Mental Note Archived]
> [Archive :] I repaired governor’s daughter’s cat after it had a run in with a Taurox
> The memories are returning to me, they are glorious
> *Supress emotions in cogitators*
> *Failure*
> The Omnissiah’s will is made clear
> The motive force is moving mg augmentations for me
> [Deploy :] Saw mechadendrite from genatalia region
> [Speak :] “Don’t worry fluffles, I had veterinarian programming implanted”

>>68034451
>>68034463
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Fake Commissar and Commissar Sasha are whispering lovingly to each other in the middle of the battlefield
>Gross
>Already have the stubber ammo and the bolter ammo in my hands before he even gets a chance to ask me for them
>It is like I am a telepath or something
>Or maybe just a moderately intelligent person with the "power" of foresight

>>67971654
>>68034915
>Be Techpriest
>Finish applying lube to various objects
>Go to medic tent to see if they need lube
>See the Medicae about to perform surgery with his groin mounted saw mechadendrite
>He has been clearly been blessed by the Machine Spirit
>Kind of wish I had one of those, but there is no more space on that part of my anatomy ever since I got my groin mounted lube applicator added
>And my groin mounted tertiary pneumatic drill
>And my groin mounted MIU connector mechadendrite......

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>>68035379
>be abomination
>see that дpyг needs new box
>she grabs other box with odd looking tubes
>she must need more of them
>run to tent with boxes and find one with something written on it I can’t read
B{}l7er m#n17o;s
>she must need these
>pick up box and walk over to her and put box in arms
>she looks scared
>is box bad?
>point to box that smells like liquid she was drinking
>look at her expectingly
>mfw

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>>68035630
I've been on the internet too long
I didn't realize that was a tail between its legs until I opened the thumbnail.
Then I realized I had reflexively opened the thumbnail thinking that wasn't a tail.

>>68035678
Sorry

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>>68035617
>groin mounted lube applicator

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>>67964177
>Be me
>Imperial guard psyker
>augments drilled into skull are feeling itchy today
>everyone looking at me like I'm a ticking time bomb
>pretty sure one of the new guys is a blank
>infantry column walks past me
>blinding cluster headache out of nowhere
>nearly vomit onto my shoes
>look behind me
>comissar fingering bolt pistol with vein twitching in his forehead
>the voices keep telling me to kill everyone
>I really don't want to
>Just want to be loyal to the Emperor
>Blow up enemy bunker with my mind
>No one cheers
>They just look at me with open distaste
>I hate my life.

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>>67964177
>Be guardsman
>Deployed to rando planet on "critical mission"
>place looks really nice
>beaches and clear blue water everywhere
>its warm
>too warm
>fuck
>Im still required to wear all my kit and amor
>armor does fuck all against enemy weapons
>still have to wear it
>hot and sweaty all day
>beach looks nice
>told to go out and search and destroy heretics
>cool
>Out there for days
>then weeks
>then months
>three months of stomping around swampy marshland
>a dozen men have been eaten by massive swamp lizards
>a hundred more have fallen ill to disease and poisonous insects
>get orders this morning
>general pissed off
>we've been sent to the wrong planet
>this place is uninhabited
>general lines up the fifty worst guardsman and dresses them up in spiky armor
>blows them up with an artillery shell
>sends report that the heretics have been found and killed
>what in the actual the fuck man.

>Iz me, da big boss
>Me an' da boys are bakk frum a WAAAAAAAGH on anotha place
>Wuz fun an' we got lotza loot
>Just added new shoota to my kollectiun
>Wun per big gud fight, gotta lot of em
>Stillnotenoughdakka.mork
>Going on anotha place wit flying trukk, gotta add to da kollectiun...
>See big button wit "GO TO MOAR LOOT"
>Can't wait so I zog da button through
>Going to get loot fasta, me smartest

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>>68035617
>Techpriest with groin mounted lube applicator
>spends all day jacking off onto various machinery

>>68035772
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>we just got a Psyker
>poor bastard keeps scratching at his metal plate
>blows up a enemy position with his mind
>looks kinda sad
>sad psykers make for bad trench buddys
>heard that one trench got dragged into the warp because the psyker was in a bad mood
>toss him a sandwich
>I was hungry at the bar ok
YOU DID WELL!
>thumbsup.dataslate
>go back to gunning down heretical fools
>hope the little guy has a better day

>>67964177
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6Sk4t2we84
>BE ME
>ULTRAMARINE BATTLE BROTHER
>WAKE UP TO GLORIOUS BATTLE CHANTING
>TRAIN EVERY DAY IN GLORIOUS CODEX ASTARTES
>REMEMBER THAT WE ARE THE BEST IN THE IMPERIUM
>POLISH ARMOR
>ANOINT MYSELF WITH HOLY OILS
>STRAIGHTEN PURITY SEALS
>PERFECT BATTLE SKILLS THAT HAVE BEEN PASSED DOWN BY GLORIOUS SPIRITUAL LIEGE
>OUTFORTIFY THE IMPERIAL FISTS AT FOUR
>OUTMANEUVER THE ALPHA LEGION AT FIVE
>OUTSTRENGTH A BERSERKER AT SIX
>BAKE THE FINEST MUFFINS
>THEN SLEEP

>>68035924
Good guy comissar

>>68036000
Actually, a guardsman who woke up hungover in a commissar uniform

>>68036022
>Actually, a guardsman who woke up hungover in a commissar uniform
How...in the hell...does that even happen?

>>68034915
>>68035617
> [Identity :] Technographer Jemin
> [Assignment :] Execute the will of the Omnissiah
> {Begin the process of transforming house cat into C.A.T servitor unit}
> Must stop the flow of excessive blood
> I lightly cauterize the wound with my cognis heavy flamer
> I register some intense meowling from my patient = pain receptors still present in subject
> [Humor :] “Unaugmenteds amirite guys ?”
> Subject is still screaming {Archive joke failure}
> Begin sawing off fleshy limbs
> Intensified screaming; anaesthetics required = oops
> [Apply :] Anaesthetics are applied by means of repeated concussions to the cranium by mallet mechadendrite
> Subject screaming intensified further = omnissiah wishes to enlighten him on augmentations. {continue operations}
> [Implant :] Mechanical limb implanting begins. Fails. Begins. Fails. Beg...loop interrupted. *Initiate Canticle*
> “Bring me incense !” Crowd of techpriests has appeared. Gotta look good in front of the bois. Praying as loud as I can to Yu’SB.
> [Implant :] Half insert mechanicsl limb. Begins. Fails. Turn over mechanical limb. Begins. Fails. Turn over again. Begins. Succeeds
> Canticle of Yu’SB does it again
> Notice his stomach and groin are healing and closing up on their own ~ U.W.U whatisthis.admech
> Techpriest lads are getting rowdy, some are clapping, others have banging the subjects table; increased screams from subject = attempt anaesthetics again ? | Denied, provedure is going as the Omnissiah wills it
> [Implant :] Servitor fridge is implanted in subject’s stomach. He might get hungry. Remove liver and bowls to make some room = Flesh is weak
> Everything going according to plan.

>>68035630
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>The lizard abomination is back with more ammo
>Getting a bit worried that Commissar Sasha will think its my friend or something
>Luckily she always seems to be looking away or distracted whenever the lizard is around
>This time it seems to want vodka in return for carrying crates
>Can't blame it
>Open vodka crate
>Give it a double handful of vodka flasks
>Take a couple flasks for myself as well
>Grab some more ammo for the Fake Commissar and Commissar Sasha
>And the Fake Commissar will run out of ammo, right about now...

>>68036144
> [Identity :] Technographer Jemin
> Subject’s fridge stomach servitor appears more sentient than I believed; has begun whispering to subject; is begging for death
> Too many fucking #HERETEKS# fucking with fridge servitors these days
> {continue procedure}
> At this point in time the crowd of techpriests around me is losing its fucking mind. Some have begun convulsing on the floor, I have shared with them the vision given to me by the Omnissiah himself; They are in exctasy. Yet more have begun assaulting random machinery within the tent, lathering them in oil and filling their every crevice with their mechadendrites {wish to join them in the fixfucking is suppressed}. Those that remain are praying so loud that guardsmen have begun to converge on the building.
> My moment of glory
> Preparing to saw subject’s skull in half to implant servitor cogitators when my coms are suddenly hijacked by the Magos himself
> | Permission to use archeotec relic has been granted |
> I have no time to question wether he even has the authority to do so, nor how he knew my hearts desire.
> *Attempts to further supress emotions have failed*
> [Initiate :] Bhinaric glee
> I open up the container protecting our holiest relic from before even the dark age of technology
> Coming straight at you from the 3rd Millenium
> Electrostatic Nipple Clamps
> The mere sight of the holy Nipple Clamps drives the few sane cogboys into a frenzy, they grab nearby guardsmen and attempt to implant augmentations
> I remain focused, I can feel the eyes of the Omnissiah upon me
> The crux of the procedure is upon me
> As I turn around and prepare myself mentally to affox the holy Nipple Clamps I realize the subject has escaped in the commotion
> {Emotional Evaluation is underway, please hold}
> I have failed techno-jesus
> Whyevenlive.stc

bump

>>68036320
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>still got ammo actually
>lizard thing reminds me of a folk hero on holy terra
>volt check or something like that
>chaos guardsman charged me with a bayonet
>when I have a heavy stubber
>korndidntmakesmartsoldiers.vox
>fool dies in seconds
>asks the psyker if he needs anything
>yells for lazy Sasha to get behind cover
>looks to find the tanaka cat
>nowhere
>must be with the medic
>drink some “vodka”
>kinda plain for alcohol if I’m honest
>the hooch we brew in the trenches has character
>get the feeling that the ultramarines are doing nothing
>ah well

Bump

>>68021760
>Be me, Eye of the Emperor.
>Be finally finished scrubbing paint off armour.
>Had cooling on maximum, and shunted the rest of the energy around the suit.
>Main problem with crusade armour, it generates energy faster then it could be burnt.
>Best make sure that I don't touch something delicate and complete a circuit. Would probably fry the target.
>Now then, what the fuck's happening?
>Someone's killing their own soldiers for paperwork reasons.
>Assorted heretics and xenos around the place.
>At least one reptilian abomination is running round, and seems to be delivering ammunition.
>Some assorted cultists.
>It's official.
>I have been alone on this planet for waaaayyyy to long.
>Fuck this.
>Throttle the suit power pack to maximum power, activate all the systems and just start feeding the excess into the cladding plate.
>One touch and the current slams through the person and into the ground.
>A sufficiently challenging way to go about fighting after so long.
>How is it taking this long to fight them off There are more forces in the entire camp complex, where are they engaged at?

Bump

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>Be me.
>Ivana Prosta. Ex-consort to some of the most powerful people on Valhalla.
>Current tank commander of a Leman Russ executioner.
>Have successfully flirted my way out of combat operations enough to qualify as a veteran.
>Unfortunately, that caused two major issues.
>The first, now I have to command a tank.
>And now, the commissar, jealous bitch she is, ordered me to wear the absolute maximum amount of gear issued to get me to stop seducing people.
>Havetoactuallydojobnow.bitch
>Who cares if it's a desert planet, or that it's sweltering in light gear, have to wear the full four layers of thick material.
>Could probably stop a las round at this stage.
>Does not help the sweat pouring down my body under it.
>Eventually it just reaches a threshold, where it can't get worse though, so that's something.
>Want to get back to my tent, so I can take it off, but there's a battle in the way.
>Really don't want to get caught up in it either though. Turns out, wearing an entire clothes isle from the weather gear department saps your energy.
>Would work legs free, but then crew gets weird.
>Consortnotprostitute.difference
>Chug another litre of water, knowing it's just going to come right back out my skin and make me even more sticky.
>Truly life is suffering.

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>>68036144
>>68034915
>>68036342
>be support gunner Trosk
>the toaster fuckers went overboard with the augmentation
>I am now more machine than man/cat
>fuckers didn't use anesthesia
>on the bright side I now count-as wearing power armour

Time to fuck up some heretics and possibly some techpriests

>>68040209
>>68039623
>Be Captain Depaul
>Just got off my shouting match with the warmaster.
>Probably would be commissar'd for what i said if it weren't mostly in scintilian.
>Fuck it, mother needs her poems.
>Heading back to the line I grab some of the wounded who are being dismissed from the hospital to come along with.
>Almost confuse one abhuman for a servitor.
>Return to the line.
>See something falling from space and demand everyone get in their foxholes to avoid orbital bombardment shells.
>Wait a minute.
>That's a fucking tank.
>Those guys are dropping a tank from orbit.
>There's more sub orbital tanks.

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>>68039623
>Be me
>Comissar Shalkova
>Have secret bound hotsuit fetish
>find hot little thing thats been flirting with all the officers except for me
>Jealouslesbian.exe activated
>Invoke comissar power
>demand she be wrapped up in layer after layer of hot, sweaty gear
>see her trapped in a veritable straightjacket
>unable to take it off
>wanting desperately to take it off
>cant
>Emperor preserve me I needed this
>Morale restored
>didn't even want to shoot any of the guardsmen today
>Feelsgood.

>>68041215
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>this crazy bitch is into some heretical fetishes
>>68039623
>she forced some tank commander into WAY too much gear, and she is trying to do that to the rest of the women in the unit
>wtf.guard
>remember how commissars speak to each other
>walkover with my shotgun drawn but at my side
>bid greeting
>ask about the...unusual kit she has her guards-women wearing
>inquire why she has this kit on her troops
>be careful with my phrasing, just because i dont want to die

>>68040362
>Be Lord General Virgas.
>Those motherfuckers said I couldn't do it.
>Look at me now.
>Tank support from the sky.
>Deploy all eight parachutes from my command baneblade.
>One guy dies from the g-force. \
>Fucking coward.
>The baneblades start to settle down in front of some heretics.
>Full throttle and run the things over.

one of you guys has to die

>>68043246
The fact that none of them are dead adds to the wackiness.

>>68043346
Seriously, this is a greentext, not band of brothers.

>>68043246
well, a commissar got gunned down by mistake

>>68041862
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>is that a tank falling from the sky?
>bitchwat.vox
>it seems to be hitting stuff at least
>want to know why though

bump

>>68039623
>>68041215
>>68041723
>>68037282
>Be me. Ivana Prosta.
>Have just discovered the luxury of pouring water down inside uniform.
>The jealous comissar and the awkward one are talking.
>The awkward one looks like he wants to be tough, but is too afraid.
>Not surprised honestly.
>Hear bunch of words, like way, and hotsuit.
>Please not more gear, it sucks in this already and this is a desert.
>Seem to be ignoring the conflict at the edge of the camp.
>Knock.what
>This astartes in some weird as armour just clambered on top of my tank.
>Stops me before I spin the heavy stubber though.
>Tells me to bring tank to the front lines.
>Can't disobey an astartes to their face.
>Sit back in seat and get driver to move forward.
>Asshole astartes just reaches over and pulls my heavy stubber off its mount.
>Probably better then I am anyway, but still.
>Just kind of slouch and work laspistol free from its holster under my outermost layer as he opens up.
>Dumbass tank crew are asking for orders.
>Just shoot the ones that aren't us, morons.

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>>68049570
>>68044016
>be support gunner Trosk
>my augments itch
>now it's fucking raining tanks
>the tank commander that always tries to seduce me can't take the heat apparently

>bitch.

>I have fur under my thermal gear
>pathetic

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>>68049570
>>68049747
>Be captain Depaul
>Sacre Bleu.
>This is madness.
>I can't relay any orders with the noise of tanks falling from the heavens.
>The tanks have speakers on them oui?
>Climb on board one as it approaches the front.
>One of the ones that didn't fall from orbit.
>Get in and see a corgi, two commissars, a space marine, and a heavily armored women.
>Has the emperor placed me in some sort of young adult war novel?

>>68049570
>Be me.
>Eye of the Emperor.
>Be not me. Some overdressed tank commander, who seems barely able to stay in her seat. Need to have discussion with them about proper combat wear.
>Take her heavy stubber. Never used one, but am likely far better then her anyway.
>Some other people crawl onto the tank, have to turn at waist because helmet only has 80 degree vision.
>Some overly augmented abhuman, looking a little like a feline, and some officer wearing what looks similar to old terra style uniform.
>Eh, who cares.
>Abhuman is glaring disaprovingly down it's nose at gunner, who doesn't much react.
>Just yells at crew to start shooting at targets.
>Thing about airdropping tanks, they're vulnerable to being blown up by lascannons.
>Turret moves as the big rotary cannon starts hosing at targets.
>Decide to shoot at the cultists myself.
>Satisfaction.vox
>Missed this kind of stuff so much I nearly cry.

>>68050588
>Be captain Depaul.
>Order the men forward through the tanks radio.
>Stand atop the tank, maybe some remembrancer will take a cool photo to send to sweet mother.
>Order the men to start securing landing spots for the tanks.
>Order them to push up into the areas where the enemies have the most explosives.
>Thankfully the microphone for the tanks radio is wireless so I can hop off and communicate easily.
>Grab a squad and my sidearm and order a grenade towards the enemies entrenchments.
>Cancel the order when a tank with a broken parachute crashes onto the enemies.
>Fuck it, push up and use the wreck as cover.
>As we approach the wreck starts shifting and moving.
>Something seems to be lifting it.
>Pourquoi l'empereur m'a abandonné?
>The tank is lifting itself up.
>The tank is possessed.
>The tank is now some sort of monster tank.
>Now's the time to throw grenades and run the fuck away.
>Order a lot of Krak missiles at that thing.

>>68049570
>>68049747
>>68050294
>>68050588
>be me
>"Commissar Oscar"
>have no idea what is happening right now
>decide to go with the tank for cover
>bring both Sashas with me
>one is a good shot
>the other has a giant lizard who brings ammo
>whynot.vox
>Ivana just starts pouring water down her gear
>I know its hot, but come on
>it's not that bad
>commissar uniforms arnt any cooler
>climb on the back of the tank and deploy the bipod on the back of the turret
>coverplusaccuracy.aim
>ask the folks in the tank if they want any vodka or sandwiches
And if need be, the vodka can be used as a area denial weapon

>>68036320
>>68051947
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>Apparently I am a tank crew member now
>Or maybe not, not sure if riding on the back of the tank counts
>Also don't know anything about manning a tank
>I guess hiding behind a heavily armored box is better than being out in the open where a stray bullet can kill you
>Too bad it is sweltering hot now that the sun is out and I am sitting on top of an engine
>Ditch some of my clothes while everyone else tries to figure out where the tank should go
>Fake Commissar offers everyone sandwiches and vodka
>Already got lots of vodka, but grab another sandwich in case it is one of the ones that magically heals you

>>68052625
>>68051947
>>68051370
>Be me. Ivana Prosta.
>Seemingly chaperone for the entirety of officers in the region now.
>That bitchy commissar is probably around somewhere.
>Pour more water down uniform.
>The awkward commissar is looking at me disapprovingly.
>Dude, I'm wearing three times the layers you are, and all of them are stiff protective gear, stop judging me.
>Pretty sure the only thing I don't have on is a flak armour set.
>Judgemental commissar, who is no longer cute in my eyes goes off and comes back with vodka and sandwiches, and offers them to my crew.
>No longer not cute.
>Take him up on the bottle of vodka as he sets up a bipod.
>God damn it's not fun to move around in this.
>At least the face masks have zips over the mouth.
>Beginning to wonder how many more can physically fit on top of the tank before it starts getting overcrowded and people fall off.
>Slug round pings off my helmet and into the tank hatch. Person dies before I even raise pistol.
>Could be worse I guess. At least half of them are shooting.

>>68052625
>>68051947
>>68051370
>>68053199
>Be Captain Depaul.
>Starting to understand why most high ranking officers sit and have parties all day while we slog around.
>That fucking tank just grew legs.
>But hey, in the back of the lines they're having a picnic.
>Yeah there's no fucking way infantry while touch that.
>Let's let the baneblade rain handle it.
>Order the infantry to fortify in the back lines.
>Join the tank with the sandwiches.
>Give orders from atop this perch.
>It would be easier to give orders though if this armoured chick stopped being so condescending.
>and if this other commissar would stop mentally jacking it to her.
>Mutter "Cette guerre est un non-sens."

>>68053301
>>68053199
>>68035867
>>68028043
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>The Scintillan captain is yelling orders through the tank's vox casters again
>Starting to give me a headache, especially when combined with the heat
>Sip some vodka to stay hydrated
>The tank's commander opens her uniform up a bit to pour some water in
>I really wish she would stop doing that, whenever she does, there is an overwhelming smell of body odor
>The corn worshipers have really thinned out, and I haven't seen any of the metal skeletons or their glowing friend for a while
>Rumor has it there are orks somewhere attacking the camp, but haven't encountered any yet
>Maybe this battle is finally coming to a close.....
>Spot the tank ahead of us grow legs, giant tentacles, and screaming faces that shoot multi-colored flames
>A couple of weird birdmen show up and start fighting nearby
>They are joined not long after by a guitar wielding hermaphrodite space marine leading a group of fetish-gimp suit wearing weirdos
>Hmmm, guess the battle isn't over after all
>Shift sideways so that I am in a better position to snipe some of the newcomers with my lasgun

>>68053199
>>68053301
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>everyone seems to like the fact I’m giving away sandwiches and vodka
>plink away some korn worshippers with my stubber
>annnnd slanesh is here
>and the bird man with the just as planned saying
>ignore their music
>start singing some song called “3 stripes” or something along those lines
>think it’s a old Vallhallen song
>some purple lady with a weird tail and unusual tits tries to grab my leg
>shotgun.vox
>does deamonet blood stain?
>just keep shooting
>offer tank crew more sandwiches and vodka
>in hindsight, grabbing a cooler of them before I left might have been a bit much

>>68053199
>>68054706
>>68055027
>Be Eye of Emperor "Invader"
>Be hosing stubber across the hordes of assorted warp spawn.
>Enough here that the tank is actually getting climbed.
>Can crush things under boots though, so it's fine.
>Can probably hand the heavy stubber back to the tank commander wearing too many layers.
>Proceed to do so, slapping the driver to get her awake.
>Really should strip some layers.
>Jump off into the masses of neverborn, kicking and punching through heads and chests.
>Energy is overspilling onto armour, literally charging my blows.
>Lascannons are just blazing through scores at once. Need to avoid them.
>If I had thought the stubber was release, this was an emotional hit of every kind, including sheer nostalgia, of how we had once fought without spears, all those years ago in the ruins of Terra, or earth then.
>Good times.
>Just wish the helmet could move. Feels like wearing a bucket.

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>>68055027
>>68054706
>>68053301
>>68053199
>>68058124
>be support gunner trosk
>sat on a tank with an astartes and two commissars
>thereisaveryhighchanceofmegettingblammed.commissariat
>armour girl keeps pouring water down her cleavage
>can't tell if she's trying to be seductive or fighting off heatstroke
>one of the commissars is giving the commander heretical looks
>the other is acting as a pintle gunner
>not care, I'm riding a tank

>>68058131
>>68058124
>>68055027
>>68054706
>>68053301
> Be mutated Slaanesh Chaos Tank
> puke colorfull fire from my many mouths
> loyalisttastebland.bored
> see an over populated tank
> corruptedmachinespirit.want
> puke flame at its inhabitants burning some, throwing around others
> heyladyyoucomehereoften.roboboner
> we are going to have fun here and now

>>68058474
>>68058131
>>68058124
>Be me, Ivana Prosta.
>Be facing down warp fireball from some abstract modern art grade tank.
>Mfw it just ripples over you because of the several layers of fabric.
>Barely even felt the heat, except around my face.
>Bring the heavy stubber, the one the marine gave back, into the tank, yelling at the crew to open fire at it as it got closer.
>Three lascannons and a bigass rotary cannon all firing at it.
>Shift to firing at some of the daemons. Many have been pushed back from the tank, but still need to be killed.
>Want to pour more water down my chest/over my singed outer layer, but too busy shooting.
>Can't tell if still of fire or not.
>Doesn't make a difference.
>Briefly note the jealous commissar looking at me.
>Probably just waiting to blam me or something.
>Just won't stop staring at me at corner of vision like some weirdo.
>Could be shooting, but no, staring holes into me is more important.
>At least the other one is shooting. Another heavy stubber I think.
>Iseeyou'reamanofculture.aswell
>Good to have some help.

>>68058699
> Be mutated Slaanesh Chaos Tank
> be on top of a loyalist tank
> doyouknowhowtoplayagamecalledrape.slaanesh
> it starts backing away
> IT DOES KNOW
> shoot it, trying to track it
> notice ad mechanicus covered in lube
> might come in handy *soon*

>>68059327
>>68058699
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>shitshitshitshit.voxcast
>that heretical tank is making its way here
>idea
>grab the krak launcher
>aim at it
>fire
>nice new hole in the tank
>huck a krak grenade in there to seal the deal
>puritybyexplosives.boom
>eat a sandwich in celebration
>shoot the deamonets trying to grab guardsman
>fewcanoutrunmygun.vox

bump

bump

>Be necron overlord
>The fuck is that racket?
>Eh, nuts to it, just another few millenia...
>...
>zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZ

bump

bump

bump

>>68062012
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar “
>see a guardsman who looks like he hasn’t eaten in days
> baloneyisperfectfuelforkillingheretics.sandwich
>toss them a sandwich
>toss vodka
>a well fed company is a happy one
>order them to provide cover fire for the medics
>salute to them

>>68054706
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>While most people focus on the giant walking rape tank (because why wouldn't there be a rape tank? sigh..) I shoot the various creature swarming the tank I am riding the back of
>Hard to tell which ones are mutants, which ones are weak daemons, and which ones are humans with unusual surgery
>Luckily they don't carry much in the way of armor or weapons
>Unfortunately they aren't big on clothes either, I have seen waaay too many over sized or unusually shaped sexual organs in the past couple of minutes
>Hopefully they run out of numbers before I run out of ammo, since I don't particularly feel like getting stuck in melee combat with this bunch

>>68059593
>>68059327
>>68058699
>Be me. Ivana Prosta.
>Tank of modern art incarnate seems to be slowed a little, by the massive trauma of lascannons, big bullets and a rocket.
>Did not like the look it gave me, or the tank.
>The awkward commissar blew it up.
>Scratch both previous assessments. Now looks decidedly cute in my eyes.
>Stuff keeps bumping at tank gently.
>Would check out, but can’t be assed.
>Finally take hands away from gun and chuck some water over self. Upset I couldn’t pour it down shirt to cool off, but literally on fire is not a good look.
>Perhaps next time the awkward commissar looks over. Maybe crack uniform open a little more then needed.
>Personally just amazed the water lockbox hasn’t run out yet.
>Endless.plothole
>Bitchy commissar stil won’t stop staring at me.
>Fine, I’ll get back on the gun, just don’t blam me.
>Order tank to pull back and fire the main cannon into the dunes at a wide arc.
>Impact force alone should cause the dunes to avalanche and take daemons off their feet, making them easier to pick off.
>Would yell at the astartes, but he’s too far away, beating them into pasts with fist and foot.
>Genuinely impressed. Kinda sexy, in a dreadful, violent fashion.
>Not the fun kind like the awkward commissar though.

>Be Warsmith Tonenarch, Iron Warrior
>Damnation, yet another of my worthless allies fails to clear the Necron dig site of the corpse-worshipers
>For years I have searched the galaxy for the Staff of the Eternal Void
>Finally one of my minions finds a promising lead, but by the time I arrive, a small army of Imperials is camped out on top of the site, whether by accident or design
>With my allies driven off, I now have no choice but to commit my own forces to battle
>Waves of poorly trained slave fodder are driven ahead of heavily armed discipline masters and rows of tanks
>Batteries of artillery begin to pound the Imperial encampment (alas, I am forced to tell my heaviest artillery pieces to hold their fire for fear of damaging the Staff)
>Squads of Iron Warriors wait in reserve to sweep in and finish off the Imperial scum
>Soon, victory will be mine!

File: 850F477E-B95C-40D3-838A-2(...).jpg (513 KB, 1920x1080)

513 KB JPG

>>68070696
>be abomination
>odd grey metal men try to hurt дpyг
>this makes me angry
>mfw
>throw box of tubes at one
>after big boom one of their heads is missing
>cool.rawr
>grab one of them and pull it’s arms off
>try to eat another one, but metal tastes bad, so I just bite him in half
>this another thought a wall
>run back behind moving box with дpyг
>realize I’m still holding arm
>arm is holding a box
>give дpyг arm
>try to smile

>>68069179
>>68071679
>Be Conscript-Trooper Sasha, 74465th Valhallan
>A group of grim looking space marines show up
>Although not as obviously evil as the last two batches, I am guessing they are unfriendly since they are cutting down Imperial Guardsmen by the dozen
>The lizard abomination shows up again with more ammo, killing several of the evil marines in order to get to the tank
>It gives me the arm of one of the evil marines
>The arm probably weighs almost as much as I do, and is leaking foul smelling blood everywhere, but I briefly pet the lizard's snout anyways as a show of appreciation
>You can never have too many unstoppable killing machines as friends
>Hopefully none of my other strange companions try to fight the lizard

>>68070696
>>68071679
>>68072287
>Be me. Eye of emperor.
>Fullscale iron warrior invasion force.
>Canthisdaygetanybetter.combat
>Shove through slaves and master gang. Sign at tank to leave in thoughtmark.
>Don’t think they can read it, but I tried.
>Sprint into squad 1, smack some shit.
>Took a thunder hammer. It’s not a spear, but it’s close enough.
>Easy mode is boring.
>This roght here is the shit.

>>68070696
>>68071679
>Be Warsmith Tonenarch, Iron Warrior
>My forces are making decent progress clearing out the Imperial encampment, unfortunately losses are high, it is going to be a close battle
>Get word from one of my Iron Warrior squads that some sort of warpbeast has allied with the Imperials and has slain several Iron Warriors
>How unusual, I order several more Iron Warriors and a pair of Defilers to head to that region of the battlefield and investigate further

>>68072388
>>68072393
>Be Warsmith Tonenarch, Iron Warrior
>Apparently a Custodian has been spotted by one of the squads I sent to hunt down the warpbeast
>Koreg had mentioned something about that earlier but I dismissed it as more of his insane ramblings
>Sigh, I am probably going to have to come back later with more soldiers, victory is becoming increasingly unlikely
>Send even more forces to the area where the warpbeast and the Custodian were last seen, even if I can't win the battle I can still take their heads for my trophy room

>>68069682
>>68070696
>>68071679
>>68072287
>>68072393
>be me
>”Commissar Oscar”
>Ivana seems to be happy with my support and cover fire
>annnd great
>more traitor Astartes
>wtf?
>the big ass lizard just tears through them
>and he just brought lazy Sasha a bolter
>look to Ivana
Make sure we don’t hit the massive warp lizard, I think it’s on our side.
>give the lizard a sandwich
>see perverts in the distance
>start shooting them with the stubber
>ask lazy Sasha to load the krak launcher please

>>68072596
>>68072393
>>68072388
>Be me, Ivana Prosta.
>Suddem fucking artilery andhorde of screaming humans.
>Can barely hear anything over the noise.
>Astartes just fucks off over the dune, waving goodbye in some weird way.
>Start hosing big guns across the line of the horde.
>Artilery is killing a bunch of them.
>artilery.ohshit
>Pull self out of tank. Start shoving the officers inside so they don’t die to the explosions.
>Make sure to get the cute, awkward one to safety first.
>Going to be a crowded tank.
>Yell at them to get inside of they want to live.

>Be Salamander Chapter Master Tu'Shan.
>Is on our really cool custo-made ship (which I helped design and forge) coming back from a great day of helping civies and setting d'eldar on fire.
>One of my friends says that there are people down on the planet below us that could use some help.
>There are Xenos down there that are not on fire.
>Also, the Blood Ravens are there.
>The same ones that stole the Eye of Vulkan a few days ago.

>Set.
>Us.
>Down.