>>77042930
Those with the knowledge and tools of how to escape an Anaconda swallowing themselves will do so. They may go around and free other people from anacondas, making small pockets of survivors. They will quickly propagate the knowledge necessary to survive an anaconda attack. It will probably take about two weeks for the anacondas to digest their assigned human, by which time any remaining survivors will have basic fortifications against them. Over the next year or so, the anacondas slowly die out due to their being nowhere near enough large game to support the sudden appearance of seven billion of them.

Also, the steps to survive an Anaconda attack, as far as I recall:
1) grab a knife
2) lie on your back with your feet positioned towards the mouth of the anaconda
3) lay the knife flat on your stomach, with the point positioned towards the anaconda
4) allow the anaconda to begin consuming you
5) wait several hours
6) when the anaconda passes over the knife, stab upward into the brain
7) free yourself

>>77042930
Something something my anaconda don't want none

Rolled 20 (1d20)

I roll to befriend the snek.

>>77042930
>This may be a somewhat urgent matter I'd like input on before this sunday.
What did he mean by this?

>>77043114
That's retarded, why would you not just start on the stab-it-in-the-brain step?

There's anacondas everywhere. The anaconda's do not attack the humans because they will be confused and disoriented after randomly materializing in an unfamiliar place, and because humans are not their natural prey. Most humans also can easily escape an anaconda if they notice before it attacks, and a single human with modern weaponry can easily kill a SHITLOAD of anacondas. Not a big deal.
>>77043114
Thats dumb as shit, anacondas are slow as hell on land, just run away from it instead of letting it fucking eat you. And anacondas don't just slither over and swallow you, they wrap around you and crush you to death first.

>>77042930
I guess a bunch of people might be bitten by confused and agitated snakes, but, barring infections, will survive. The world population of Eunectes murinus will have increased by about seven billion. Most of them will die within a year of various causes. Mankind will be spooked, but for the most part unaffected.

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>>77043114
>4) allow the anaconda to begin consuming you

>>77043227
Fuck you, parseltongue havin ass motherfucker

>>77042930
Anacondas generally don't eat people.

>>77043114
>Also, the steps to survive an Anaconda attack, as far as I recall:
This is literally the stupidest shit I've read in weeks.

>>77043114
What if I just shot it in the head with the 1911 on my desk?

>>77043227
Snakes don't do friendship. Reptile brain hasn't got room for that shit. Even a snake you own and feed regularly will dream of eating you.

>>77043242
he went to the zoo

>>77042930
its cold as shit where i am, it would probably freeze to death or go to sleep if we shut the heating off. they're cold blooded, aren't they?

>>77043397
Works

>>77042930
As somebody who keeps snakes, an Anaconda, even a hungry one, wants nothing to do with a human if it could hide somewhere instead. Just throw a few things at him, or poke him in the head and he'll fuck right off.

>>77043114
>2) lie on your back with your feet positioned towards the mouth of the anaconda
>4) allow the anaconda to begin consuming you

>>77043377
This is cute, where's it from?

>>77042930
>a snake appears no more than 10 feet away from every living human on earth
>the entirety of earth is transported to a 10 foot diameter point of area to accomidate the snake
>what happens
local thermonuclear explosion

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/tg/ - random bullshit scenarios

>>77043403
You've never owned a large reptile.

>>77043114
This survival advice was written by an Anaconda.
No one knows how since they don't have hands, but they did it somehow.

>>77042930
Snake leather becomes dirt cheap

Remember: Anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hon. Most of us will be safe.

>>77042930
Don't believe the hype, anacondas can not swallow an adult human whole, nor are they particularly inclined to attack people. Maybe a babby or house pet, however. There are actually mad lads that keep them as pets, but handling requires a spotter friend in case snek decides to constrict you, which is the real danger. The anacondas first instinct would be to flee, particularly for a body of water.

>>77043695
Or into the nearest open cabinet

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>>77043467
It's a figure of a Touhou character with plastic eyes added to it.

>>77043633
You've never owned anything.

>>77042930
Tons of poor people in Africa and Asia eat lots of Anacondas. Local wildlife populations probably end up getting destroyed in coming years, but in most of the world the Anacondas will simply die due to unfit habitat. They can't survive in cool climates nor in areas without abundant water and suitable prey. Florida Everglades and Louisana Panhandle/Gulf of Mexico swamps probably get invaded by anacondas as well as some places in Indonesia and stuff maybe.

The vast, vast majority of adult humans will be unharmed. An adult human is too large to be preyed upon or eaten by an anaconda. There might be some tiny women who are killed and eaten, though, as there have been a few instances of them consuming human children. They eat things like caiman, capybara, small goats and deer. Nothing near the size of an adult human. Even still, there might be a couple retarded snakes that attack an adult human it would probably be able to kill most unarmed people if they wanted. It wouldn't be able to swallow an adult man even if it killed one, though, or it might try any way and ript itself open and die. Sometimes they do that when trying to swallow prey that is too large. Snakes are really fucking dumb.

>>77043114
Found the Vore fetishist

>>77043619
Yes, that's better than 90% of the threads we have nowadays.

>>77043838
...don't know seems like I owned you pretty hard. Cope

Rolled 7 (1d20)

Rolling to extract the Anaconda's spirit and make it my [Stand]

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>>77043875
Top bantz

>>77042930
How would the anacondas fare in WH40k?

>>77043114
By the time the snake would begin consuming you, you'd be dead. They keep themselves wrapped around the prey until they can't feel the heartbeat anymore, and only begin eating then. If the snake strikes at your leg or arm, you can probably stab it or force it off, but if it gets a better hit in you'llbe knocked down and wrapped before you can react.
Also, it probably only takes some days for a fully grown green anaconda to digest a human. At least some pythons can digest prey of their own size in a matter of days.

>>77042930
>>77043114
I reach 1 foot to my left and grab my AKM, I reach three quarters of a foot away for a loaded magazine and I load my AKM. Then I shoot the Anaconda in the head.

Basically every human with a gun will survive. A bunch of children at school, liberals, city dwellers, and persons at work on jobs that snakes would be good for a horror movie script would probably all die.
So basically most Americans and non-cucked Europeans would be fine. But this situation would easily remove a fourth of the population of China and India, and possibly increase the population of Africa since a huge meat noodle would appear and despite the many deaths they would simply consume the dead Africans alongside the snakes and multiply.

>>77043403
You are correct. There was a story about a woman who owned a large snake that started sizing her up and eventually tried to eat her.

>>77043952
I could easily kill the hungry anaconda unarmed with my own snake-style shaolin kung fu.

>>77043444
Anacondas are rather infamous for being very bitey, so if one would somehow appear within striking range there's a good chance of getting tagged by a confused snake. Probably wouldn't try to actually kill you, as humans aren't a natural food source for snakes (reticulated and rock pythons are AFAIK the only snakes to have been known to kill and eat humans in the wild, and the latter is unlikely to be able to eat an adult human), but it will bleed like hell.

>>77044053
I live in fear at all times, and I'm not confident in my ability to kill an animal larger than me such as that Anaconda. I'd rather not risk dying, especially when 7.62x39 is only 20 cents per round(well it was when I bought a bunch).
I don't want to die to an anaconda.

>>77043940
>>77043952
The vast majority of adult anacondas simply cannot meaningfully harm, let alone cosnume an adult human. A study was done in the 90s where 1000 anacondas were caught, measured, and ID'd. In that study, the largest specimen in 7 years was 17 feet long and 215 pounds while the average size was about 12 feet long and 70 pounds.

There have been larger snakes than that observed, but they are extremely rare. Instances of Green Anaconda in excess of 20ft and 300 lbs, while probable, have never been reliably verified. If they are out there, which isn't unreasonable assumption, they are exceedingly rare. The typical adult snake is of no real danger to an adult human.

>>77044151
So are you saying I should affix my bayonet to my AKM before and use that to stab the Anaconda in the head rather than shoot it?

>>77044151
Keep in mind, captive raised snakes are often a lot larger. Not only is it easier to raise a snake in captivity, but there's a whole section of people that force feed/super feed and over feed snakes to make them grow extremely quickly and to unnatural sizes.

This has created huge specimens, but it results in an extremely unhealthy animal that usually dies and is considered animal abuse.

>>77044188
If you had a bayonet or any 3" + blade it would be pretty easy to kill most adult anacondas, but shooting it would be even easier assuming you can aim. If there were suddenly 8 billion anacondas most of them would just die. In fact, basically every snake that appeared somewhere in the northern hemisphere would be dead within a matter of days because it's fucking winter. Many would die in a matter of hours.

>>77043875
You're not even replying to the same person.
You're right though, I've never owned a large reptile, because I don't like pissing my money away buying companion animals that are incapable of genuine companionship.
Snakes cannot and do not pair-bond with humans. Seethe about it some more, imprint whatever anthropomorphised interpretation you like onto your gay-ass flesh-eating pet murderer, it doesn't love you and it never will. If you were small enough, you'd be dinner.

>>77044236
That is true. Anacondas in America really can't spread out of Texas and Florida because of cold snaps such as today where the nights get down to 32 degrees fahrenheit.
The orange farmers spray their trees with mist so that a small layer of ice glazes the fruit and the trees, which insulates them from the worst of windchill, basically in the same way an Igloo keeps you from going below 32*F in the Arctic.

I think that the real danger is in hospitals, schools, nurseries, apartments, super urban areas where people live on top of each other with little defensive freedoms, and in spread out communities.
Also this may hurt ecosystems such as Australia, since pythons aren't native I believe.

>>77044059
He's more likely to bop you than bite you. Snake fangs are tough to get un-stuck, and he really does not want to get stuck in with something that can punch him.

Honestly, if you do get bitten, just fucking poke that sucker in the eyes, or around the sides of the the head in his sensitive ear-boobs. Thats how we've handled every anaconda and retic' that's gotten uppity, as long as you have somewhere nearby for them to flee to.

>>77043114
Yesssss excelent tip, Anon. Another ssssssteps to survive Anaconda attacks are to not make any ssssssssudden movements and sssssstand sssstill until the Anaconda loses interessssst. Worksssssssss everytime, trusssst me

>>77044285
nta and i make no claims for snakes, but to label all large reptiles as utterly incapable of genuine companionship is too much of a stretch
there is at least one instance of a real bond forming between an american crocodile and a human (Gilberto Shedden and Pocho). crocodilians in general are, in recent years, being recognized as the most intelligent reptiles about which we know, so if there were any of those cold-blooded killers that someone could truly bond with, it'd be a crocodilian.

>>77042930
The price of leather handbags will hit rock bottom

>>77042930
>non-venomous
>am a swamp dwelling floridian
I've either got a brand new pet or something for dinner. Either way its a win win.

>>77044336
Any situation with a high density of humans in a small area would mean the anacondas would be be practically piled on top of each other.

>>77044621
Here in the UK some foreigners die.
Everyone else laughs as the stupid snakes freeze to death.

>>77042930
>what realistically happens to humanity over the next few days?
Very little, anacondas are fairly lazy so they’re unlikely to go after people for food. Moreover, most people have access to tools with which one may kill an adult anaconda if it tries the whole slither-crush nonsense.

That said, there will be a dramatic increase in confused ecologists and religious leaders.

>>77044648
More Anacondas means more danger. The danger has multiplied.

>>77042930
/k/'s advice to invest in a shower gun will have paid off.

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>>77042930
what if we take OP's scenario, but switch out the anaconda for a very confused, irritated gorilla?

>>77044783
>SO THEY'RE FINALLY HERE
>PERFORMING FOR YOU
>THEY'RE MIGHTY CONFUSED
>FROM COMING OUT OF THE BLUE

>>77044188
With ammo prices the way they are these days? Yeah, probably.

>>77042930
everyone gets a snek gf

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>>77042930

The thing is, only children and very smol women would be in actual danger.

Anaconda's can't really attack and eat fullgrown men.

Most children have their parents around who can go kill or remove their anaconda after dealing with their own.

So in the end, some of our slowest children and not so bright women get eaten.

>>77045097

RIP Indonesia I guess

>>77044845
hmm wise idea. I've not got much 8m3 left, and I don't want to use my corrosive training ammo.
MY yugo bayonet will be slick with bluhd once more. Just like the 90s.
>>77044892
You can fek the snek?

>>77044783
Everybody fucking dies.

>>77043114
Don’t do this it makes mustard gas

>>77044188
No, you use your entrenching tool to kill snakes. It’s wider and easier to use on low targets.

>>77042930
There would probably be a large number of car accidents.

>>77045266
I have a slightly surface rusted Soviet Saperka I bought from Ukraine. I need to sharpen it and get the surface rust off the cheap parkerizing.
I will blunt force the anaconda head with shovul.

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>>77042930
This is my magical realm.

>>77045128
Even Indonesia will be find. Most adult anacondas are only 12-15 feet lone and 60-100 pounds. OP didn't say anything about distribution of their sizes. If they follow what they appear as in the wild, then the extremely large snakes that weigh 300-500 pounds and are 20+ feet would be like 1 in 10,000 or even less. Even those snakes would be unable to kill and eat an adult man.

The most extreme snakes in terms of size would be a danger only to children and the smallest adults. Not too many people would be killed, but a lot of people might get some nasty bites.

>>77045371

Surprisingly not what I expected. I would like to make your acquaintance and friendship

>>77043114
>t. anaconda

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>>77045418

I think that's what he meant. Only children are in any real danger. As for adults, only the biggest snakes with our smallest adults (apparently Indonesian women), who somehow also managed to find themselves alone at home with no one around, would be in danger.

In short the amount of industries this would actually hurt would be small.

ITT: op finds out that his scenario amounts to little more than a whole lot of people eating tasty snek for a few days

>>77045136
>You can fek the snek?
Anaconda's are big enough to fit a reasonable range human cocks.

>>77045663
Elaborate. What about salmonella and like bacteria and stuff?

>>77044783
gg, world returns to monke

>>77045908
Always wrap it up. This is how you spread zoophilic diseases. You don't want to start COVID-2021 do you?

>>77045934
Hmm. you make a good point. I wouldn't be adverse to doing the work of our good uncle Nurgle, but I would rather not have to go outside.

>>77045908
Use a condom

>>77042930

>animal suddenly appearing in a strange habitat
>with unfamiliar animals nearby

Most of them will nope the fuck out of it. Snakes usually feed and hunt only on specific conditions, expecially because they can go an absurd long time without eating. A snake in an unfamiliar situation will first seek an escape rather than grab an unidentified prey item (that they might or might not kill)

TL;DR stop thinking it's a videogame you idiot

>>77044783
Everyone makes a chill new friend

>>77044783
GG humanity

>>77044783
1. Do not look Magilla dead in the eyes
2. Do not step to Magilla

>>77044533
Was that the gator that had literal brain damage?

>>77043114
This entire thread is retarded but this takes the prize
>2) lie on your back with your feet positioned towards the mouth of the anaconda
>3) lay the knife flat on your stomach, with the point positioned towards the anaconda
>4) allow the anaconda to begin consuming you
Roflmao
Constrictors kill by stopping bloodfow from reaching the brain, you can be sure an anaconda wont start consuming you until you are already dead
With that said, anacondas are not agile on land and prefer to hunt in water, they are not that dangerous as long as you dont act dumb

OP here, lots of responses, more than I expected.

For context, I'm playing a Nobilis game where one of the players is the Noble of Snakes On A Plane, and is obsessed with "snakes on an x" scenarios. There was a moment in the campaign where everyone was briefly infused with a shitload of additional power to fight a particularly tough enemy, and this player could not help but use his power for the ultimate snake scenario "snakes on the world". This is the result. I need to figure out what happens next.

>>77047190
The resulting chaos and confusion among humans would kill more people than the snakes themselves.

>>77045934
>>77045663
please stop raping animals anon

>>77047452
They shouldn't be so cute, if they don't want it.

>>77043682
OH GOD, I'M THICK, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?

>>77047742
She's going to snuggle up to you, gently wrap you in her coils and make sweet scaly love to you.

>>77047452
Momma always said not to play with my food, but I didn't listen.

>>77047742
tail pegging

>>77047190
Count yourself lucky he didn't go ''snakes on the subatomic level'' and conjure miniature snakes into position to devour everything's electrons.

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>>77047919
>Snake death of the universe
Dear god my sides.

>>77042930
I would feel horrible being surrounded by bilions of dying snakes.

>>77042930
some people get eaten, but in a lot of cases the snake eats easier nearby prey. squirrels, chipmunks, lazy cats, etc

>>77043952
>A bunch of children at school, liberals, city dwellers, and persons at work on jobs that snakes would be good for a horror movie script would probably all die.
Hay Spud enjoying your sister’s pussy?

>>77042930
I live in Australia, it gets eatten by a much nastier spider or something before it blinks.