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You’re dead, right?

Half-naked, standing on a road decorated by clouds, you firmly conclude that you are, in fact, deceased.

Sweet.

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>>1584353
Walking down the road, you contemplate your short-lived time spent breathing. Thinking, you thoughtfully stroke your non-existent beard with a hand.

What... did you actually accomplish?

You take it back. It was actually a complete disaster. Maybe if you’re lucky, some hindu god could hook you up with a reincarnation deal and have you reborn as a trash panda.

Without long, you come up to the pearly gates, where some Saint Peter wannabe stands guard.

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>>1584358
The guard is dressed like you, except she has curly, puffy wings that are completely incapable of flight.

A fashion statement, you suppose.

“Name?” she says.

>?

>>1584362
Adam Sandler

>>1584362
Booker

>>1584362
>My name is Lucifer

>>1584362
>...
We're the strong silent type.

>>1584370
ignore the trip I'm not OP

>>1584362
> Lucifer
Irony-ho!

>>1584376
That's right. I am OP

>>1584376
>>1584387
stop this, that's not even a trip

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>>1584370
>>1584385
“Lucifer,” you say.

“...My condolences,” she says, “You should’ve had better parents.”

“It’s alright, you can call me Lucius.”

“Okay Lucy, let’s check out what you’ve done,” the girl replies, “Let’s see... littering...exclusively eating cup ramen for two years... six hundred and seventeen counts of adultery...! What is this!?”

1/?

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>>1584424
You take a step back. “Ah, listen, I can explain—“

“Explain?! How can you possibily explain this!? The list of names just goes on and on! Kotori Itsuka, Yuu Saki, Rei Ayanami? Lord almighty, this is absolutely disgusting! No wonder you died that way, choking to death on panties in a love hotel.”

“Well, if you put it that way,” you say, “That is impressive, but it’s really not what you think.”

2/3

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>>1584474
She says, “Then, Lucy, what is it, if it’s ‘not what I think’?”

You raise a hand and open your mouth and stop before anything comes out. “Nevermind. You’re better off not knowing.”

“Huh?”

“Trust me, okay?”

“...No way, are most of these fictional?” she gives you a look of complete disgust, “Why are they even on this list?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” you say, “So, about heaven. I’m in, right?”

“You’re in? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?!”

>?

>>1584502
>Will you be my waifu?

>>1584508
This

>ask her to be our waifu in our most charming attempt

>>1584502
>I can't help it if 3D girls all thought I was some loser Neet! Even if it was true!

>>1584502
>>1584508
This.

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>>1584508
>>1584518
>>1584521
“I...” you say.

“I?”

“I... can’t stop thinking about you,” you say. “Ever since I saw you two minutes ago, I can’t get you out of my mind. Everywhere I look, I just keep seeing your face. Will you be... my waifu?”

“Oh heavens,” she says, cupping her mouth, “You’re... COMPLETELY screwed in the head. I’m going to vomit.”

“Wow, rude.”

1/2

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>>1584573
“Lucy,” she says, “I’m going to fix you.”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

“I, Cupid, the goddess of love and affection, will be the one that will rout this vile evil that has taken hold within your heart and mind, if it’s the last thing I do!”

“Listen, I chose this life—no, the waifu life chose me,” you say, “Just because I like to take a break from real women every once in a while doesn’t mean I’m a maniac.”

“Does it? Does it really?”

“...Maybe a little,” you look away, “Please stop staring at me like that.”

“You’re going to be my assistant, and together, we’ll teach you the meaning of love.”

2/iliedit’s3

>>1584647
>“You’re going to be my assistant, and together, I’ll teach you the meaning of love.”
Well, I mean. If she has 15 minutes and knows a good hotel, sure.

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>>1584667
LEWD
E
W
D

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>>1584647
“And we’ll start right away!” Cupid proclaims. Grabbing your arm, she lifts you off the ground and into the sky, whisking you away as if you were in a fairy tale. As you do your best to not lose your marbles, the goddess shoves something in your hand.

“What’s this?” you say.

“A picture, look at it! What do you think?”

“About what?” you look at the two people in the polaroid.

“Them, you fool!”

>?

>>1584686
>The hell is wrong with that dude's hair? Seriously it's defying physics!
>Oh, I guess th 3D chick is there too.

>>1584686
>"Cute couple. Also, you've got some nerve calling me a creep when you take voyeuristic photos of high school kids."

>>1584686
>"That looks really vanilla."
I find that question mark ahoge way funnier than I should.

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>>1584705
>>1584707
>>1584721
"Ignoring that guy’s hair, they’re a cute couple,” you say, “Also, you've got some nerve calling me a creep when you take voyeuristic photos of high school kids."

“Oh shut up, I took it for you,” Cupid says, “And that’s it! A cute couple! This, this’ll be our first assignment together!”

“What’s the problem? It looks really vanilla.”

“You fool! That’s the problem!” she shouts, “They aren’t together! They’re childhood friends! What an absolute travesty, just look at this dimwitted brickbrained moron. Watching these two hurts so, so much.”

1/2

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>>1584756
You look at her. “So, you want me to make them bump uglies.”

“That isn’t love, that’s lust,” she replies, “My job is to make humans fall in love, because they’re all too stupid to do so. All they can do is lust, lust, and lust some more, breeding like rabbits without someone to guide them.”

“Okay, we’re not that stupid,” you say, “I think. Anyways, why don’t you just shoot them with a love arrow? That’s how it works, right?”

“No one falls in love out of the blue. You have to build it up, draw them close together, and then shoot them both through at the same time and string them up! A missed bus ride, a forgotten umbrella, a fireworks viewing, fate is our weapon!”

You two break out of the clouds, seeing a cityscape underneath you.

“The day’s only started,” you say, “Then, the best place for an encounter would be...”

>At his home.
>In an alleyway.
>In a corner of a street.
>?

>>1584818
>>In an alleyway.

>>1584818
>In an alleyway

>>1584818
>In a corner of a street.

>>1584818
>>In a corner of a street.

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>>1584828
>>1584850
“...In an alleyway!”

“What’s wrong with you!?”

“Just look, Childhood Friend is already being cornered by three thugs! This is going to be a hit,” you say.

You two descend, hovering over the alleyway as the girl nervously backs farther into the shady, poorly lit space. Three towering men slowly begin to close in on her.

Cupid covers her face. “This idea may have been a mistake. You’re a mistake.”

“Quiet, just watch,” you say.

1/2

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>>1584932
You say, “The boy’s gotta realize that he hasn’t seen the girl even though their routes are the same, and that they meet up every time. So, obviously, he’ll show up looking for her!”

And on cue, he does. The boy’s ears had picked up the disturbance, and he had moved as fast as he could to the alleyway.

Throwing down his bag, he shouts, “Hey, you three! What are you doing to her?”

It takes him a minute more to realize that it was his childhood friend, and then—

“Wait,” Cupid says, “There’s no way he can take them on.”

“Power of friendship?”

She doesn’t reply. Instead, she slowly closes her eyes and sighs.

>?

>>1584974
>Cheer him on?

>>1584974
Give him the ultimate power.
>AHOGE SWORD!

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>>1584995
>>1585015
You move your attention back to the boy. Pumping a fist in the air, you shout, “You can do it, uh, guy! Go get’em, tiger!”

“They can’t hear you,” Cupid says, as she pushes you away with her hand. “Leave it to me.”

1/3

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>>1585095
The boy charges in, his hair flying in the wind.

He winds up his arm like a windmill, and sends it flying at the closest victim. His attack completely misses, but a long strand of hair from his hair jabs the thug straight in the eye, blinding him.

The thug cries out as Childhood Friend B attacks the second thug, who doesn’t seem to want to fight at all. Having closed his eyes, B-kun didn’t see his target at all, his windmill attack swinging up and violently striking the underside of victim #2’s crotch.

The poor soul crumples to a heap.

The third assailant, seeing this, moves a step back, “O-oh, forget this, I’m out of here.”

Childhood Friend A-chan, runs up to B-kun, saying, “Oh, I thought I was in danger! I knew you’d be here to help me.”

2/3

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>>1585155
The girl runs up to the boy and into his arms, holding him tight.

“I was so scared.”

“There there, everything’s okay,” he says, “Are you okay?”

“I’m... I’m okay...” she says.

“Mm, let’s get going.”

He walks away, but she tugs his shirt. A-chan says, “B-kun... I...”

He turns to look at her. “What is it?”

“...I love you.”

“You’re a great friend to me too. Of course I’d be here to help you, that’s what BFF’s are for, right?”

Cupid, sliding on the wall, crumples to the ground. “It’s... too much...”

>?

>>1585190
>...What did you do? Why are you so tired?

>>1585190
>Stand in awe of the hair blade
what the fuck

>>1585190
>>...What did you do? Why are you so tired?

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>>1585205
>>1585231
“...What did you do? Why are you so tired?”

“I saved his life. Probably,” she says, “At the cost of max emotional damage. I need... I need some romance DVDs to recover...”

"You're going to let me run wild?" you say, "Well if that's the case..."

She bolts up. "Nevermind, I'm fine."

1/2

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>>1585241
School.

Or outside it anyway, as you float right outside a classroom window.

“Nonono!” Cupid cries, “Not this!”

Before you can ask, you watch as a girl enters. Bleached hair, a sweater that goes against school uniform code, oversized leg warmers, fake spray tan—she’s a gyaru!

The girl says, “Hello minnabody, my name is Galgurulu, but you all can call me GG! I like protesting against cruel Japanese anti-terrorism laws and long walks on the beach. Let’s all get along!”

She bounces up and down to her seat. Suddenly, she trips and starts falling into the general direction of B-kun.

“Wait, is this a flag?” you say to Cupid, who’s currently unresponsive. And frothing at the mouth.

>?

>>1585316
>Continue observing this travesty of a Japanese person in disbelief

>>1585316
>Weep at the degenerate influence of the filthy gaijin piggu on glorious Nippon.

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>>1585352
>>1585376
You don’t do anything.

Instead, you watch in slow motion as the gyaru’s huge, amorphous sacks of fat jelly in the air, making her bra cry with every passing second. You watch as the weight of those two balloons fall down on B-kun’s face, causing him to crash out of his chair and onto the floor.

His muffled cries go unheard as the travesty of a Japanese citizen and her breasts absorb the air shockwaves that is “speaking,” cutting all airflow from his lungs.

The gyaru, surely enough, gets up after a long pause. “Oh, I’m sorry, are you daijoubu?” B-kun does not respond because he is passed out. “Teacher, I’ll take him to the nurse’s office~”

With that, she chucks the boy over his shoulders and carries him out, A-chan watching in terror.

1/2

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>>1585412
“Why didn’t you do anything?” Cupid asks, “You could’ve made her fall on her face or something instead.”

“...I could?”

“Yes, of course you can! Just go in and push her or something,” she says, “That was two flags! The ‘accident’ and ‘bringing them to the infirmary’, both you could’ve avoided!”

“What’s the big deal anyway?” you say, “It’s not like the childhood friend ever wins.”

“The transfer student!” Cupid suddenly shouts, “A literal metaphor of change that B-kun needs to move on with his life and stop being complacent with A-chan. But why? Why does there need to be change? Especially when the exchange student is... that.”

“For a goddess, you sure are judgmental.”

“No one asked you. In any case, we still have a chance to salvage this situation.”

>Head to the infirmary, you’ll deal with this.
>Make A-chan go to the infirmary too.
>Send the whole class to the infirmary.
>?

>>1585469
>Send the whole class to the infirmary.
We know exactly what we're doing.

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>>1585476

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>>1585525
2/?

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>>1585532
3/?

>>1585525
>>1585469
>>1585316
nice names

>>1585476
I agree

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>>1585540
Cupid tries to pull out your cheeks.

You say, slapping her arm, “-leashe shtohp.”

“Why did you do that?” she lets go.

“I thought it wouldn’t be romantic if everyone was there.”

“...”

4/5

>>1585542
arigathanks
i was not serious here >>1584391 don't hurt me

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>>1585577
“Behold!” you say, “How can the gyaru and B-kun possibly kiss with so many people?”

“...How are A-chan and B-kun going to kiss then?”

“...”

>MAKE THEM
>gentle accident
>kissu later

>>1585592
it'll be fine

>>1585614
>MAKE THEM
Exactly what we're doing. Exactly what we're doing.

>>1585614
>kissu later

>>1585614
>gentle accident

>>1585614
>MAKE THEM

Maybe they're exhibitionists

>>1585614
>gentle accident

Rolled 1 (1d2)

>>1585653
1=DO IT
2=(softly)

>>1585614
>kissu later
Surely the appearance of this new rival will fan the flames of j̶e̶a̶l̶o̶u̶s̶y love in A-chan's heart and motivate her to chase her sweetheart all the harder!

Or something.

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>>1585623
>>1585648
>>1585662

"Watch me."

1/???

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>>1585679

2/?

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>>1585685

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>>1585692
Cupid screams, “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”

“SHE ALREADY HAS FEELINGS FOR HIM SO, WHY DON’T THEY JUST,” you shout, making a motion of mushing two faces together.

“What if he rejects her completely, what if—“

4/?

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>>1585700
“W-what?” B-kun says.

“...Ehn?” A-chan stammers, “Eeeehn? I-I-IIII-I I ff-f-f-f-ell!”

A wave of noise washes over the room.

“Whoa, did you see that?”
“Did they just...”
“About time!”
“I thought she was his sister.”
“Get a room.”
“WooOOOOOO!!!!”

You look at Cupid, “This is the part where you shoot them right?”

“I, uh, we might hit someone else!” she flies back, “I don’t know, we’re approaching new territory here. I’ve never interfered that much before, I can’t tell what would happen!”

>SHOOT IT
>Grab an arrow and do it yourself with your own hands
>Wait

>>1585740
>Grab an arrow and do it yourself and your own hands
Alpha as fuck.

>>1585751
>SHOOT IT
E X A C T L Y

>>1585751
>Grab an arrow and do it yourself with your own hands

Were so good at this, I wonder if God will make us the new Cupid

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>>1585751
>Grab an arrow and do it yourself with your own hands
JUST
DO IT ALREADY


>“Whoa, did you see that?”
>“Did they just...”
>“About time!”
>“I thought she was his sister.”
>“Get a room.”
>“WooOOOOOO!!!!”
wew

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>>1585752
>>1585761
>>1585767
"COME ON, JUST DO IT ALREADY!"

"N-no! This is too risky—"

1/?

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>>1585810

"Give it to me then!" you rip the arrow out of her hands. "I'LL DO IT!"

2/?

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>>1585842
Cupid shouts, "Lucy, don't!"

"Don't—"

3/?

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>>1585868
"—call—"

4/?

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>>1585922
"—me—"

5/?

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>>1585924
"—Lucy!"

6/8

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>>1585932

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>>1585955
>inb4 it wasn't a cupid arrow, it was an actual one and she fucking dies

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>>1585955
“Yeah!” you cheer, “Got it, easily.”

Cupid looks at you worriedly, “You... threw... the arrow...”

>”It’s alright, guess it turns out I’m the better Cupid.”
>”It worked, didn’t it?”
>”I’ll let you take the credit for this one.”
>?

>>1585990
>?
I understand that this is supposed to be a write-in option, but I actually want to just give her a questioning look of silent confusion.

>>1585990
>”It worked, didn’t it?”
Uh oh.

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>>1585990
>”It worked, didn’t it?”

>>1585990
>”I’ll let you take the credit for this one.”

>>1585990
>”It worked, didn’t it?”

>>1586001
>?
captcha:u-turn

>>1585990
>”It’s alright, guess it turns out I’m the better Cupid.”

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>>1586001
>>1586005
>>1586009
>>1586016
You say, “It worked, didn’t it?”

“...It worked... but...”

1/?

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>>1586026
Cupid looks off to the side. “...”

“...Ehn?”

2/?

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>>1586036
"The end was tied to a string..."

3/5

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>>1586062
“...And you ripped it out of my hands.”

“....HUUH?” you say, “W-ww-w-wait, how is that my fault? You’re the one that let go of it!”

“I wasn’t expecting you to throw it like a spear!”

You run to the end of the infirmary, trying to find the arrow. “Oh my god, what does mean?”

“It’s gone now,” Cupid says, “...It probably hit more people along the way...”

4/5

>>1586071
She probably should of explained how the equipment worked before taking us out on a job. You know, standard OH&S stuff

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>>1586071
“I, um,” you say, “I’m not responsible for this, right?”

Slowly, Cupid’s head turns to face you. “I don’t know, Lucy, what do you think?”

“Ahah... I don’t suppose you’re going to send me to hell now, are you?”

“Oh no,” she says, “You’re going to work. Until you fix everything you just broke. And then more. You. Irredeemable. Stupid. BRAINLESS. IDIOT!” She walks toward you.

“H-hey, it was an accident, right? I wasn’t told—“

“And if you ever, ever, grab anything from my hands again,” she presses a finger on your chest.

5/6

>>1586071
I don't see how this would be much of a problem. If simply hitting people with the arrow was enough to have an effect on them, what was the point of setting these two up in these ridiculous situations in the first place?

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>>1586121
I'll make sure you'll regret it.

>>1586121
Is there a union or something we can report to that our boss is bullying us?

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>>1586123
The arrow doesn't make you fall in love. It just ties their fates together, linking them. This is why shooting an arrow into two people who might hate enough would be a bad idea. Cupid tries to be extra careful of this.

Anyway, that's that. Thanks for playing! Planned this to be a one-shot, but if you like (you) and Cupid, I could do more of these.
New captcha changes are killing me

>>1586160
I'd definitely be down for more of the Misadventures of Lucifer and Cupid.

>>1586160
This was pretty fun. I look forward to any continuation.

>>1586160
I like this

>>1586160
this is my first time in this board and I really enjoyed this. please continue

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>>1586219
Nice to hear, anon, and nice to have you here! My twitter's @hopelessQM if you're interested. It's where I forget to announce threads in advance while posting them late, but I try not to.

Wow, this was good!

>>1586160
Would love to see a continuation

Nice, hope you keep doing them.
I like complete OC quests.