File: Totally the wife.png (2.39 MB, 2665x2453)

2.39 MB PNG

>>2806271
"Not sure the shotgun-cleaning's going to be necessary," you say, "he saw what I did to Sachio, and he's sworn to me."

"And you've got a much better place to polish your shotgun," Liska says, smiling up at you and breathing heavily.

God, she really is enjoying this.

You put on the most serious face you can muster. Well, within limits. It's not the 'war face' the DIs asked for back at Pendleton.

"I've really got to ask you something," you say, "how serious are you about, well, all the stuff you've been suggesting?"

"Like what?" she says, the ends of her tails twitching in the corners of your eyes.

Well, you might as well go for it.

"Like us fucking Ellie," you say, "she's my sister, for god's sake! Like the itemized list of why you want us to do the magical girls! They might as well be our daughters, at this point! Like suggesting the oyakodon thing!"

There's a moment of near-silence, disturbed only by Liska's ragged breath.

"I'm just a bit concerned," you say, staring down into her eyes.

For a while, all you can hear is her breathing. And you can't read that expression.

"I don't know," she whispers.

More of her hot breath on your face as the minutes drag on. Hell, this feels more awkward than the conversation with Melon about drugs.

And a lot hotter. You can feel Liska squirm a bit under you.

"What would you say if I told you 'yes'?" she asks.

>I'd say it would destabilize everyone. And I've been working hard to get and keep these people together
>I'd say the yarnball hit you pretty hard
>I'd say there's no harm in JUST talking about it
>I'd ask if you were in heat
>WRITE IN

>>2806331
>>I'd say it would destabilize everyone. And I've been working hard to get and keep these people together

Well, we're live again. I think I counted right, but that was a near-even split on the last vote. I guess I'll save "roll over and go to sleep" for once the MC's actually in bed?

Twitter, for runtimes (and occasional trolling tweets about the quest): https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge
Archive, for catching up: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=Shotgun

In retrospect, this is about the worst/best place to split threads. This is going to be someone's introduction to the quest.

>>2806331
>>I'd ask if you were in heat
>I'd say it would destabilize everyone. And I've been working hard to get and keep these people together

Ellie should be the only real destabilizing personality in the yarnball, and she was acting this way before Ellie visited.

>>2806331
>>I'd ask if you were in heat

>>2806331
>>I'd say it would destabilize everyone. And I've been working hard to get and keep these people together

Maybe once the girls are free we can have a big ol' orgy but not now.

>>2806331
>I'd say a lot of things, but the thing that sticks out strongly is the fact that you've been also under a lot of pressure with a lot of things, especially with how things are now. And I as your husband have not been considerate of your feelings on the matter.

>inb4 she's really just in heat and I'm blowing this way out of proportion

>>2806331
>I'd say it would destabilize everyone. And I've been working hard to get and keep these people together

>>2806331
>I'd say the yarnball hit you pretty hard

File: Defintely also the wife.png (688 KB, 693x980)

688 KB PNG

>>2806331
"I'd," you start, and take a deep breath, "I'd say it would destabilize everyone."

Yeah, 'if I told you' your ass. She was at least a bit serious, if that expression means anything.

"And you've been working long and hard to get them together?" Liska asks, "and been a bit thick about some of it?"

Her jokes are worse than yours.

"Dads are supposed to make the terrible jokes," you tell her, pressing her wrists further into the couch.

"If I wanted to," Liska says, and that's a face you could read a mile away, "I could rip your throat out, or just throw you through a wall, and walk out the door."

You are pinning down a supernatural being that could flatten you ten times over.

Who you've been married to for almost twenty years.

"But you don't want to," you say, "why?"

All you can hear is Liska's breathing.

Time drags on, interminably. You might have heard an oiled deadbolt slide back at some point, but you're still waiting for Liska's response.

Finally, she says, "are you really making me do this?"

"I'll do it first," you tell her, "I love you," and shut her mouth with a kiss before she can respond.

Somehow, eventually, you manage to pull back.

"I love you, too," she whispers, as though it takes an effort.

"But," she whispers, "I'm kind of an omnisexual. It's not that different from the pillow talk we used to have about who else we'd fuck."

Yeah, whispering things in your ear in full sight of the potential target is a bit different!

"And," she tells you, grinning, "you did say 'us' with everything you mentioned, even dealing in just hypotheticals. I," she says, as you feel the tension drain from her limbs, and she smiles up at you, "I really appreciate that."

She's got an oddly possessive streak.

"So who would you fuck with me?" she asks, grinning again.

>We're not having this conversation, I'm going to bed, and you're not getting any tonight
>Well, other considerations aside, I'd do [WRITE IN] with you
>I'm pretty sure Melon's listening
>Are you in heat or something?
>WRITE IN

>>2806468
Additional option:
>You

>>2806468
>>2806472
>(You)
Yes I'm taking the bait. No, not that bait, the other bait.

>>2806468
>>Are you in heat or something?
>We're not having this conversation, I'm going to bed, and you're not getting any tonight

>>2806468
>I'm pretty sure Melon's listening
>Well, other considerations aside, I'd do Jean with you
>But only *with* you, not one on one.

>>2806468
>>We're not having this conversation, I'm going to bed, and you're not getting any tonight
Don't need or want anyone else.

>>2806468
>>Well, other considerations aside, I'd do [Harriet,Mary,Madison,Roxanne] with you

>>2806494
>>2806490
You're much better men than I. And I mean that sincerely.

>>2806468
>>I'm pretty sure Melon's listening
>We're not having this conversation, I'm going to bed, and you're not getting any tonight
Why would I want anyone else? You're hot and always willing.
oh man I suck at this sort of stuff. General intent, not word for word.

>>2806468
>You
>>I'm pretty sure Melon's listening
First option could probably be worded a tad better.

File: Yeah, You're Married, Alright.jpg (4.79 MB, 3500x3021)

4.79 MB JPG

>>2806468
"We're not having that conversation," you say, "I'm going to bed, and you're not getting any tonight."

"Besides," you tell Liska, "why would I want anyone else? You're hot and always willing," you say, licking that place on her neck she likes, "and you've got a hell of a wit."

"God," Liska manages to gasp, "if I don't get any after this," she continues, her words coming in bursts, and you feel her chest heaving against you, "I'm pretty sure you're violating the Geneva Convention."

"Well," you say, "I am American."

She starts laughing.

And you whisper in her ear "I'm pretty sure Melon's listening."

"Give her something worth listening to," Liska whispers savagely back at you, her teeth tearing your earlobe.

"FUCK!" you yell, jerking back off of the couch, barely managing to gain your feet before Liska jumps up and bears you to the floor.

"I am going to take you every way a woman can take a man," your wife tells you, and you feel a wave of pressure radiating from her.

"MOM," Melon's voice cuts across the room, "he's my dad! Are you in heat or something?"

"Haru told you about that, huh?" Liska asks, still straddling you, "Melon, get back in your room unless you want a real-life sex-ed lesson."

Then you feel a subtly different force pushing out from your daughter.

"I can take you," Melon says, with a very dangerous glint in her eyes.

Then she goes frilly.

And you manage to somehow reverse things, in that moment of confusion, and get Liska under you on the rug.

"Can we please not wreck the house again?" you ask the two of them, ignoring everything trying to slam you into the rug.

"Go on," Liska says, facing you with a more excited look in her eyes than you've ever seen, "answer the question."

"All considerations aside," you say, as you realize Liska's gaze is fixed on your throat, "I'd do Harriet with you. Emphasis on the 'with'. Not one on one. Same for Mary, Madison, Jean, and Roxanne."

"Not the girl that actually wants to fuck you?" she asks, and you feel her hot breath on your windpipe, "because I really want Sue."

"You and Ellie," you say, "and she's a demon!"

"Sounds like a fun profession," Liska says, and you're pretty sure she's lost it.

>Melon, get out, please
>I'm going to fuck you like Zeus couldn't even imagine
>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
>I thought Ellie was bad about getting clam-jammed
>If you two are going to fight, do it in the back yard
>WRITE IN

>>2806648
>>Melon, get out, please
>Because I'm going to fuck your mother like Zeus couldn't even imagine.

>>2806648
>>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
>>I thought Ellie was bad about getting clam-jammed

>>2806651
Supportan.

>>2806468
>We're not having this conversation, I'm going to bed, and you're not getting any tonight

Why the fuck anyone thought this was a good idea, I have not even the slightest clue.

Also, hello again, QM! Nice to catch this live even if anon is making terrible decisions.

>>2806657
>Why the fuck anyone thought this was a good idea, I have not even the slightest clue.
Most people think clamping the lid down harder on the pressure cooker is a GREAT idea

>>2806648
>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
She doesn't get to be a little forceful and get her way. and her forcing us down after we said she wasn't getting any is a little closer to rape than I'm cool with.[\spoiler]
>"We're not having that conversation,"
And then we had it anyway. Goddamnit.

>>2806657
Because she's literally trying to force us to have sex? She decided she's horny, so we're doing it, and we don't get a say?

>>2806648
>>Melon, get out, please
>>I'm going to fuck you like Zeus couldn't even imagine

>>2806662
Let's see... she's coming off a month of presumed abstinence, not long after a major battle (which has been established as an aphrodisiac), and is currently being dosed with a fuckton of natural aphrodisiacs, and anon wants to blueball her?

>>2806663
>She doesn't get to be a little forceful and get her way.
I agree with you there. I'm just not wanting to overcorrect the other way, either.

>>2806669
>literally trying to force us to have sex
My reading comprehension may be shot all to shit, but I wasn't really getting that. Aggressive foreplay, maybe, and she's certainly blitzed out of her mind on aphrodisiacs, but I wasn't reading out-and-out rape from her.

>>2806648
>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
No means no.

>>2806648
>I thought Ellie was bad about getting clam-jammed
>>Melon, get out, please
AYYY my vote actually got through.

>>2806669
I mean, on a re-read, anon's fucked the MC pretty badly on this one. We can either ignore her like a pissed-off prima-donna teenage girlfriend, be a conscientious husband and do this on our terms, or do nothing and get fucked.

>>2806648
>Melon, get out, please
>Mom is frisky because it's been a period of thirty days since she last had sex. And she wants to make up for it.
>I'm going to fuck you like Zeus couldn't even imagine

>>2806700
>thirty days since she last had sex
Not counting literally last night. And/or the night before.

>>2806648
>>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
>>I thought Ellie was bad about getting clam-jammed
We should not be rewarding bad behavior.

>>2806648
>>Melon, get out, please
>>I'm going to fuck you like Zeus couldn't even imagine

>>2806648
>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
We've have sex the last night or two, she's not deprived.

>>2806718
hey, prior to our dive into the hidden world, we had sex with our wife on a daily basis! Why should we stop?

>>2806648
>I feel like I might be doing terrible things
Truer words have never been spoken. I'm just... gonna check back in later when this has all blown over. Cya, QM!

>>2806648

>Melon, get out, please
>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
>If you two are going to fight, do it in the back yard

>>2806648

>I'm actually just going to bed now. You still don't get any
But we are ready for her rape so then we
>I'm going to fuck you like Zeus couldn't even imagine

File: Totally the wife.jpg (560 KB, 2665x2453)

560 KB JPG

>>2806648
"One I don't want to see you fall to, Liska," you say, "what's going on?"

"Melon," she says, darting a look at your daughter, "kind of spilled the beans. I'm going into heat, and it's hitting me really hard this time."

Is that because of what you've done? Liska did say that your steps to empire were really damn hot.

"I thought Ellie was bad when she got clam-jammed," you say, looking down at Liska.

You're completely split on what you should do here.

"I bet she was," Liska says, "surprised she didn't break your nose."

"Melon," you say, looking at your daughter, "you should probably get back to your room," as you scoop Liska up into a bridal carry.

"You gonna be ok, dad?" Melon asks.

"It'll be fine," you say, and she darts back into her room.

"Our one success, huh?" Liska whispers to you, as you walk the hallway with her in your arms.

You don't even know how to respond to that.

So you throw her onto the master bed.

She looks pretty damn good, spread out like that.

"I'm brushing my teeth and going to bed," you say, turning toward the master bathroom, "you still don't get any."

You hear a muffled growl from behind you.

But the two of you finish up the nighttime ritual, and before you know it, it's 4AM.

And you're awake again, in bed, pulling a tingling arm out from under Liska's head.

She hums and murmurs, then asks, "mmmwhat?"

"My arm went to sleep," you tell her, shifting around for a better position.

>Fuck her like Zeus couldn't even imagine
>Restart that other 'who would you fuck' conversation
>Go back to sleep
>WRITE IN

>>2806754
Go back to sleep

I don't think this actually IS Liska, I think its fucking Zeus.

>>2806723
> I'm just... gonna check back in later when this has all blown over.
Hopefully that'll be about two posts.

>>2806754
>>Fuck her like Zeus couldn't even imagine

>>2806754
>>Fuck her like Zeus couldn't even imagine

>>2806754
>Restart that other 'who would you fuck' conversation
Goddamnit, now that we said we wouldn't do it we can't back off.

I say we hold off from Sue for a few years. Let her mature a bit to see if her attraction is just a symptom of her daddy issues. If they aren't we should go for it.

>>2806761
Actually, I think I'm good. You really hit the whole 'handle it like mature adults' thing out of the park with the last update.
It's a refreshing break from the usual approach to these sorts of character interactions that I particularly bemoan.

>>2806754
>>Go back to sleep

>>2806754
>Go back to sleep
We said we wouldn't, so we shouldn't. Takes the bite out if we just cave later.

>>2806754
>Go back to sleep
Pinch her nipples and nipple her ears.

There was a voting period During which I cooked and ate some food.

I'm going to start writing now.

>>2806791
>You really hit the whole 'handle it like mature adults' thing out of the park
Interested in what part of it you thought got out of the park. This is an anime genre quest, but I try keeping it moderately true to life.

>>2806866
>what part of it you thought got out of the park
Compared to the usual tripe I run into, I thought you handled the "you're not getting any" bit with entirely unusual maturity - there were no tantrums from spoiled children, and it's neither stated nor implied that Liska tried to rape us in revenge, or any other shit along those lines.
It's more indicative of the quality of what I usually find to read than the quality of what you write (and I may be a bit hyperbolic), but I am usually very pleasantly surprised by how you handle 'sensitive' topics like these.
For a concrete example - you have a character in a heterosexual relationship who knows about (and practices, to some extent) safewords / bdsm, without it immediately (or ever, so far) devolving into femdom. Outside of blatant fetish bait and/or smut, I find that to be pretty fucking rare, more-or-less especially in this sort of genre.
Yes, I'm that anon. You know the one.

>>2806908
GirlTalkAnon?

>>2806921
I can neither confirm nor deny that that is indeed the handle that I will wear proudly will haunt me to the end of my days.

File: The wife holy shit what d(...).jpg (390 KB, 605x605)

390 KB JPG

>>2806754
You fall back asleep.

And wake up, a little early, with Liska half-wrapped around you, and staring into your eyes.

She's never been a morning person.

"You up?" she asks.

"Maybe," you tell her, "what time is i-" and she smothers the rest of the question with a kiss.

"It's time for us to have some fun," Liska says, licking her lips, and yours.

"I thought I said you weren't getting any tonight," you say.

"It's not last night," Liska says, and you can feel her claws dig into your shoulders, "it's this morning. And you know I'm in dead heat," she says, her tongue slurping up your neck, finding just that place.

"Were you serious about having another kid?" she whispers into your ear.

Now that's playing dirty.

>Yeah, let's go
>Yeah, if you can have one
>No, I need you to be ready for anything
>[CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED NOISES]
>WRITE IN

>>2806931
>>[CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED NOISES]
OH NO, IT'S AN ALL CAPS OPTION!

>>2806931
>[CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED, WHILE SEXUALLY AROUSED NOISES]

>>2806931
>Remind her that consent is a step that must not be missed / but that we forgive her
>Yeah, let's go

I tried to salvage anon's spaghetti.
>OH NO, IT'S AN ALL CAPS OPTION!
Fuck, it didn't work.

>>2806931
>Yeah, let's go

Seriously you guys. I leave for one thread for a couple hours to sleep and you egg our wife on about fucking other people, then get all pissy and refuse to fuck her.

Like.

Heat is physically painful for a lot of animals, and honestly we actually do love our wife, so let's help her scratch the goddamn itch so we can have a reasonable post-coital discussion with her.

Or at least move the fuck on from this. You're all going full Joker Quest Waifu Simulator here.

Goddamn.

>>2806931
>>No, I need you to be ready for anything

>>2806931
>No, I need you to be ready for anything
Stick to our guns, we've made it this far.

>>2806931
>Yeah, let's go
We showed we were serious when we say no means no. Fuck the fox already so we can move on

>>2806931
>Yeah, let's go

>>2806931
>[CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED NOISES]
Throw in some half-assed excuse with the core message being "if we can stave off the dozens of apocalypses? Apocalypsi? That are all slated to happen this year"

>>2806931
>"Can we afford to feed a litter?"

File: The Wife Holy Shit.png (556 KB, 500x833)

556 KB PNG

>>2806931
"You know consent's a thing?" you ask her.

"Well," Liska says, above you, "do I have yours? I can stop now, if I have to. No promises after."

"Yeah," you say, rather breathlessly, looking up at her dilated eyes, and ask, "so Haru's not an outlier?"

"No," Liska whispers, and you can feel how tense she is, taught as stretched razor wire. As if she's daring you to reject her. And you feel her claws pierce farther into your flesh.

It's a good pain.

"Let's go," you tell her, "and you're washing these sheets when you manage to drag yourself out of bed," you say, rearing up to lick, and then bite, that place where her neck meets her shoulder.

"And," Liska tells you, once she recovers her voice, "don't talk about my family when we're~"

Then you go for a nipple.

Things blur together after that, into a slur of confused and conflicted noises.

Something like an hour later, she's bandaging you in front of the bathroom mirror, muttering apologies, as her tails wave happily behind her.

Well, you probably should have expected something like that. This was the first time you've both really honestly gone for it with each other.

The rubbing alcohol stings a bit, though.

"It's fine," you say, "although I don't think I'm going to regrow that earlobe. Want me to call it a shaving accident, or wear it like a badge of honor?"

Liska hugs you from behind.

"I just want you to wear it," she whispers in your ear, "for me."

"Sure, honey," you say.

>Then the doorbell rings
>Then you go out to breakfast with Melon again
>Then you discuss [WRITE IN] with Liska
>Then it's time for round two
>WRITE IN

>>2807048
>Then the doorbell rings
We've spent plenty of time with the family recently, let's give someone else some screen time.

>>2807048
>although I don't think I'm going to regrow that earlobe
Like we're not gonna get someone from the random grab-bag of bullshit powers that can't regenerate other people.

I think this was a fairly good salvage from all the... everything that went on above. I'm not exactly happy with it, but I don't hate it either.

>>2807063
Yeah. This is good.

>>2807048
>>Then you go out to breakfast with Melon again
>Melon, rape is illegal and wrong

>>2807048
>Karen's dad calls. He can't reach her cell and she said she was staying at our place.

>>2807048
>>Then the doorbell rings

>>2807048
Then the doorbell rings

>>2807048
>>Then it's time for round two

>>2807066
>earlobe
Ironically, the MC lost it back in >>2806648, before anything else happened. Liska also bit Ellie's ear off - maybe their ears are really tasty?
Oh, hey, GirlTalkAnon is back to overanalyze and keep me honest!

>>2807048
>Then the doorbell rings
It's Fred.

File: Madison.jpg (115 KB, 500x740)

115 KB JPG

>>2807048
Then the doorbell rings.

At six-fucking-thirty in the morning?

"I don't think it's the Girl Scouts," you tell Liska, as you pull on a pair of pants.

She shrugs on a bathrobe as it rings again. Insistent bastards.

The two of you walk down the hallway, as the doorbell rings a third time.

Then finally make it to the entryway, and open the door just as someone punches the doorbell again.

"Do you have any manners?" you ask, then realize who's ringing the doorbell.

"I figured someone would be up here," Madison says, "you mind if we park on your driveway? The farmer kicked us out."

Well, that's not who you expected. To be fair, you weren't expecting anyone at this time in the morning.

"And what happened to you?" she asks, eyes raking over the bandages on your chest.

Oh, you didn't have time to throw on a shirt.

[SET 1:]
>Blender accident
>Fighting demons and such
>I fell down the stairs
>My wife
>WRITE IN

[SET 2:]
>Find a better parking spot
>Did James die last night?
>Liska, you think we could let them stay in the driveway for a while?
>Enjoying the view?
>WRITE IN

>>2807186
>>Fighting demons and such
Silly, but believable.
>Liska, you think we could let them stay in the driveway for a while?
wasn't the RV there last night? we commented on it on the way in.

>>2807186
>Discretion is the better part of valor, I think, so I'm gonna have to call it a blender accident.
>Liska, you think we could let them stay in the driveway for a while?

>>2807136
>to overanalyze and keep me honest
Aww, thanks QM! I-its not like I like your story or anything, b-baka!

>>2807186
>It’s mating season for Kitsune for a while and more wife was waiting it out while I was in a comma.
>park out on the back, stay under the tree and off the good grass. Also James better not have drunk himself to death last night.

>>2807195
>wasn't the RV there last night? we commented on it on the way in.
The RV was parked on the street near the bar the MC was at last night. NOW it's in your driveway.

>>2807186
>Fighting demons and such
>Did James die last night?

>>2807201
This brought to you by the sum total of the three words of the Japanese language I know.

>>2807205
>I was in a comma
A most perplexing conundrum. We're we in the dot, or the tail?

>>2806931
Im sad and VERY disappointing that no one chose to write an
>[HIGH IMPACT SEXUAL VIOLENCE]
joke in the options

>>2807186
>>I fell down the stairs
>park out on the back, stay under the tree and off the good grass. Also James better not have drunk himself to death last night.

>>2807186
>My wife
>Did James die last night?

>>2807186
>High impact sexual violence, Madison. High impact sexual violence. It was worth it.
>Have you tried someplace else? As much As I'm willing to accommodate, I do have limits. And besides just about EVERYONE in this city comes to my house for barbeque on a weekly basis. I would love to have some actual privacy once in a while.

>>2807186
>My wife is in heat. Be warned, for it is beyond even my power to stop her should she set her sights on you.

>Liska, you think we could let them stay in the driveway for a while?

>>2807186
You'll understand when you get married, maybe. Do I need to get out Kerry's slideshow later?

>>2807347
>Kerry's
Kelly's? I'm not sure who you're talking about.

File: Completely Madison.jpg (396 KB, 600x900)

396 KB JPG

>>2807186
"Fighting demons and such," you tell her, "you know, the usual."

You hear Liska giggling behind you, and Madison cocks an eyebrow at you.

"Fine," you say, "high-impact sexual violence, mating season for kitsune, my wife got really thirsty while I was in a comma, why do you think we're awake at zero-six-thirty in the morning?"

"Were you in the dot," Madison asks, shaking with laughter, "or the tail?"

You glance behind you. Liska's laughing so hard she has to hold herself up against the wall.

"If you're trying for a weird metaphor," you say, turning back toward Madison, "I'm missing it. Tell me James didn't drink himself to death last night."

"He's still sleeping it off," the magical girl tells you, "Rob stepped in for the fight he picked. I'm still not sure what his problem with the police chief is."

You've got a couple of ideas. And Liska's started giving that barking laugh.

"Tell me they didn't do anything that needs an architect or a civil engineer to fix," you tell her, leaning against your doorframe, "because I don't have that kind of budget."

"That's sort of why the farmer kicked us out," Madison says, "they killed a few cows as collateral damage."

Wait. Last time you saw the camper, it was parked near the bar.

That means that Rick (and maybe some other folks) went back with them to have another fight with Rob in the cow pasture. This would probably make more sense if you were drunk.

"Did anyone die?" you ask.

"Well," she says, with a worried look on her face, "they'll all be fine in the morning. So, no?"

"Park it out back," you tell her, jerking your thumb around the house, "not on the good grass. And you guys had better find a place in town soon. Whatever's left of those five million Swiss francs should set you up nicely."

You would ask Liska whether she wanted it back there, but she's basically collapsed with laughter.

"Thanks," Madison says.

>How many police officers do you have in there?
>How many people am I making breakfast for?
>I'm surprised you didn't ask about my bitchin' bod
>You want to come in for coffee?
>WRITE IN

>>2807382
>>You want to come in for coffee?

>>2807382
>>How many people am I making breakfast for?
>>I'm surprised you didn't ask about my bitchin' bod
>>You want to come in for coffee?

>Also my wife is still horny so if she tries to drag you in, you have my permission to spray her with cold water. Should buy you enough get away./

>>2807382
>>How many people am I making breakfast for?
>>I'm surprised you didn't ask about my bitchin' bod
>>You want to come in for coffee?

>Also my wife is still horny so if she tries to drag you in, you have my permission to spray her with cold water. Should buy you enough get away./

>>2807396
We did mention her as part of the girls we may want to have sex with her so best cover our bases just in case she has ideas.

Also surprised no one said Sue or was it because, Sue might actually take us up on that? and we choose ones our own age and ones who seemed not interested.

>>2807382
>How many people am I making breakfast for?
>You want to come in for coffee?
>I'm surprised you didn't ask about my bitchin' bod

>>2807403
It's been pretty canonically established that Sue has issues, and we'd be more than happy to include her in that (purely hypothetical) group in a few years when she's settled out.

>>2807382
>>How many people am I making breakfast for?
>>I'm surprised you didn't ask about my bitchin' bod

>>2807382
>Tell you what. My kitchen cabinet's running low on breakfast ingredients. I'll cook you and the cops breakfast, but all of you will have to foot the bill that is my next trip to the local Costco and a few groceries. My house ain't a family bar&grill restaurant you know.
>Also, what's your sexual orientation? I hope you're flexible with type because I think I saw my wife is giving you those bedroom eyes.

>>2807403
As the one who wrote that vote, I wrote the list based on both my tastes and more or less how much trouble would it cause to fuck one of them (Rob might get angry if we fucked Madison but it seems manageable). Sue kinda creeps me out.
That's not to say I'm actually pursuing them or expecting to ever get them in bed.

>>2807409
Oh right, but was that said in quest or OOC.

>>2807453
OOC because anyone actually wanting to do something to Sue or the others sparks arguments from all the other anons that don't want a smut quest. I'm surprised anyone even budged as far as we have now on this.

File: Very Madison.jpg (405 KB, 723x1023)

405 KB JPG

>>2807382
"And how many people am I making breakfast for?" you ask.

"Add nine?" Madison says, as you hear Liska pull herself off the floor behind you.

That's something like twelve people. For the first time in your life, you wish Shelby was here. He's pretty good at cooking for a shitload of people.

"I'm surprised," your wife purrs, running her hands over your torso, "that you didn't ask about his bitchin' bod. Want to come in for coffee?"

"If it's just coffee," Madison says, a wary look in her eyes. You can't tell what look Liska's giving her over your shoulder, but you've got your guesses.

"That is pretty good for a guy in his, wait," Madison says, "how old are you, anyway? You've got the whole silver fox thing going on."

"I'm pushing fifty," you tell her, "and Liska's the real fox here," you finish, grabbing your wife's ass.

"The tails kind of gave it away," Madison says.

"If Liska jumps you," you say with a sigh, "and you're not up for it, yell or use magic, and I'll try to pull her off."

"Honey," Liska whispers, in a humorously offended tone. You look to the side and see a huge grin on her face.

"I'm going to say this while I'm outside," Madison tells the two of you, "so you can't say I'm threatening you in your home. If you try any of that, I will burn the fur off your tails, I will burn it off those cute ears, and I'll burn your hair off, too. I'm coming in for coffee, not a threesome."

"I like you," Liska says, over your shoulder.

"I've got a healthy respect for you, too," Madison says, looking at her, "but I just wanted to be clear. What coffee do you guys serve, anyway?"

"Folger's," you tell the magic girl, "we're not a fancy place."

"But it is a fun one," she says, following you and Liska inside, and into the kitchen.

You put the coffee pot on, as Liska and Madison perch on the countertops.

>I need some help, if we're doing breakfast for twelve
>What do you think of our fair city?
>You said nine people?
>So what did happen last night?
>WRITE IN

>>2807488
>You said nine people?
>What do you think of our fair city?

>>2807488
>>I need some help, if we're doing breakfast for twelve
>>What do you think of our fair city?

>>2807488
>I need some help, if we're doing breakfast for twelve
>What do you think of our fair city?
>You said nine people?

>I need some help, if we're doing breakfast for twelve
Seriously, that's a lot of food.
>I'm coming in for coffee, not a threesome."
Thank goodness, someone in this quest that doesn't want to jump us, or wouldn't even be willing if asked. It's shocking how rare that is.

>>2807476
It's always kinda baffled me that despite being happily married to an incredibly hot and eager woman, anons are still interested in pursuing more woman and girls. It's also kinda confused me why Haiku doesn't put a definitive point on these discussions; They never go anywhere new, and isn't the whole point of a quest MC to cut the constant horndogging off at the knee?

>>2807500
>quest MC
quest MC being married

>>2807488
>I need some help, if we're doing breakfast for twelve
>other: This house ain't some family owned family run bar&grill restaurant. Your bill is going to be the shopping bill the next time I run to Costco or Sam's Club for grocery shopping.

>>2807500
>someone in this quest that doesn't want to jump us, or wouldn't even be willing if asked
Well, the MC's not W's type, even if he was gay. Or Butler's type (reportedly).
>It's also kinda confused me why Haiku doesn't put a definitive point on these discussions
Mostly because I find them incredibly entertaining, and they're one way to talk/speculate about character personalities.
>isn't the whole point of the quest MC being married to cut horndogging off at the knee?
The MC is married because I tossed off a couple of lines in the first thread, and there are no take-backs when questing. I kind of like the character Liska's turned out to be, even if she's down with things the MC isn't comfortable with.

>>2807539
When we finally break down to do a three some, She's gonna get super fucking territorial of us isn't she?

>>2807500
Look up something called the Coolidge effect.

>>2807488
Were the remains of any of those cows that got exploded edible? I used to live on a farm and I know how big a hit losing cattle can be.

>>2807539
>Mostly because I find them incredibly entertaining, and they're one way to talk/speculate about character personalities.
They can be interesting initially, but we burned though everything worth saying a while ago; everything is just rehashes at this point. And the end result of any such discussion is either "yes we'll fuck someone else" or "maybe later". There is no apparent way to definitively close the debate. We do this enough times, the answer will eventually be "yes".


>>2807570
Yeah, a head of cattle isn't cheap.

>>2807570
>exploded
>edible
If I'm reading it right, they're talking chunky salsa levels of exploded. Take a guess.

File: Totally Madison.jpg (296 KB, 833x1200)

296 KB JPG

>>2807488
"Ladies," you say, "if we're doing breakfast for twelve, I'm going to need some help. And I'm thinking scrambled eggs, because it's easy. Someone grab a bowl and a whisk, please," you say, pouring olive oil into a frying pan, and slapping a quarter-inch of a stick of butter on it.

"All the eggs?" Madison asks, opening the refrigerator.

"All the eggs," you tell her, as Liska gets a very large bowl out of the cabinets.

"So what do you think of our fair city?" you ask.

"Decent terrain," Madison says, "low cost of living, entrenched magical creatures," she continues, grinning at you and Liska, "are easy to deal with. And, well, it's not about the city, it's about the people."

"Glad to hear that," you say, "but, speaking of people, you said 'plus nine'?"

"Yeah," Madison say, "we scraped up a few people to spectate that fight."

Then you hear your front door open. And a knight walks down the hallway to your kitchen.

Holding his hands up.

"I come in peace, earthlings," he says, and hell, it's Heinrich, "and is that a waffle maker? I make MEAN waffles."

"Bernie's in the camper," you mutter at Madison, "isn't he?"

She nods.

Well, you are going to have the BEST excuse for being late this morning.

>Well, separate the eggs we're using for the scramble and do it Belgian style, Heinrich
>So, immortality. Last I heard you were 900s. How's that work?
>So, what's the best way to kill a dragon?
>So, what the Hell happened last night?
>WRITE IN

>>2807597
>>Well, separate the eggs we're using for the scramble and do it Belgian style, Heinrich
>>So, immortality. Last I heard you were 900s. How's that work?

>>2807580
Well we don't know if they actually exploded. They're merely collateral damage. They probably just got sliced open and/or shot.

>>2807597
>>Well, separate the eggs we're using for the scramble and do it Belgian style, Heinrich
>>So, immortality. Last I heard you were 900s. How's that work?

>>2807570
>>2807578
>>2807580
That's why they're on the MC's doorstep.

>>2807597
>Well, separate the eggs we're using for the scramble and do it Belgian style, Heinrich
>So, immortality. Last I heard you were 900s. How's that work?

>>2807597
>>Well, separate the eggs we're using for the scramble and do it Belgian style, Heinrich
>>So, what the Hell happened last night?

>>2807597
>Is Bernie a morning person?
>You're welcome to make a cascade of waffles. Make sure to keep the ones you need separate.
>So got any clue what their problem is? If I can stop it, I'd like to try before something other than cows get hurt.
>So what's the thing you like most about the modern world?
>>2807610
I expect the average city slicker to not notice the difference between bulls and cows when referencing either. If they were dairy cows then that's a massive loss from the milk sales even if the farmer can sell the meat.
I'm resisting the temptation to bring up my theory on the rats robbing our clients again. I guess it feels like something hasn't clicked in MC's brain just yet due to how little downtime he actually has to stop and think..

>>2807663
So what you're saying is that we should find a quiet place and think like the philosophers of old?

>>2807597
>Well, separate the eggs we're using for the scramble and do it Belgian style, Heinrich
>So, immortality. Last I heard you were 900s. How's that work?

File: Heinrich.jpg (3.68 MB, 3595x3019)

3.68 MB JPG

>>2807597
"Separate the eggs we're scrambling," you say, "bowls are in that cabinet," and you gesture, "if you're doing egg-white foam Belgian-style."

"Not like we have time for a yeast rise," Heinrich says, grabbing a bowl and getting into a bit of an argument with the other two occupants of the kitchen about who can separate an egg best.

"I've been doing this for eleven hundred years," you hear the knight tell them, "you're, what," he says, gesturing at Liska, "seven hundred? And you," he says, looking at Madison, "are barely legal. Let me show you how to separate an egg."

That was a bit insulting, but the three of you watch spellbound, as Heinrich tosses the yolk between the halves of its shell, dripping the white into his bowl, over and over again.

"Eleven hundred years of practice," he says, depositing the yolk into the scramble bowl.

"Holy shit," Madison says, as Heinrich cracks another egg.

"Where's the flour?" he asks, as he separates it, "nutmeg, baking powder, sugar, and can someone melt the butter, please. A stick and a half. Also, tell me you have vanilla."

You wonder whether letting this guy meet Shelby in a kitchen would be the worst or best idea, as Liska darts around to get him his ingredients, and Madison whisks away at the soon-to-be-scrambled eggs.

"So," you say, dialing down the stovetop, "900s? How's that work?"

"Pact with Bernie," Heinrich says, barely missing a beat as he whisks the egg whites into foam, "I'm his partner. His Dragon Dragoon."

"Practice your rhythm games," you tell him. You've got a PS3. And you hope you never face Heinrich riding the dragon. If he fights like he cooks, well...

"You think you're funny, don't you?" Heinrich asks, and then says, "I'm going to need a another bowl for the dry ingredients, pretty please~!"

Liska gets him one.

"Pan's hot," you say, and Madison dumps the bowl of eggs into it, then you start scrambling.

"Is Bernie a morning person?" you ask, rather innocently.

"I'd say I am," an unmistakably craconis voice says from behind you, "Mr. Bond. What the hell happened last night, Heinrich? I woke up in a camper! And I think I lost a bet on a fight between demons."

"You got wrecked," Heinrich says, not bothering to look up from his breakfast construction, "drinking contest with a wizard. And I told you to bet on the other guy."

"Christ," Bernie says, "but I've got a hell of a headache. And probably need to pay up to some people?"

"You need to pay me," Heinrich says, "for one," then sprays Pam on the waffle maker, "I did bet on the other guy."

"Headache's getting worse," Bernie says.

>I've got ibuprofen
>Is he always like this?
>Oh, hey boss
>If you're in the kitchen, you're helping
>Ok, what the hell happened last night?
>WRITE IN

>>2807722
>craconis voice
That should be "draconic voice". I'm blaming my keyboard.

>>2807722
>I've got ibuprofen
>Is he always like this?

>>2807722
>Oh, hey boss
>I've got ibuprofen
>If you're planning on staying in the kitchen, you're helping

>>2807737
I'm totally thinking that Bernie has a bit of phlegm in the back of his throat that he hasn't gotten out yet and it's messing with his voice.
And that will be my headcanon on what Craconis means.

>>2807722
>>I've got ibuprofen
>Dare I ask for a more in depth explanation?
>also, If you're in the kitchen, you're helping
>Before you pull anything, my house, surprise visit, my rules for getting everyone fed.

>>2807722
>Dragon Dragoon
Was that a fucking Drakengard reference?
Like I would know, I'm allergic to Yoko Taro tragedies.

>Oh, hey boss
>I've got ibuprofen
>If you're planning on staying in the kitchen, you're helping

>>2807722
>>I've got ibuprofen
>>Oh, hey boss
>>If you're in the kitchen, you're helping

>>2807722
>>Is he always like this?
>>Oh, hey boss
>>If you're in the kitchen, you're helping

File: Spoiler Image (299 KB, 649x431)

299 KB PNG

>>2807750
>Was that a fucking Drakengard reference?
Yes. The "I've got a PS3" and "practice your rhythm games" was also one.
I'm still blaming the anon who started posting Caim in an earlier thread.

File: Well he wasn't lying..jpg (72 KB, 378x750)

72 KB JPG

>>2807761
And I will never regret posting Caim.
There is always time for Caimposting.

>>2807722
Is that a regular grab some ibuprofen headache or a demonic brainworms are going to pop out of your skull because you lost a bet headache? I'm not equipped for the second one.

>>2807722
>If you're in the kitchen, you're helping
>Ok, what the hell happened last night?

Liska is a Shapeshifter, right? So is Bernie?

If we ARE gonna swing, let's bang Heinrich and Bernie. Because we can always shoot them later without feeling bad.

>>2807803
Well there goes our anal virginity.

>>2807803
lolno

>>2807722
>Oh hey boss
>I've got ibuprofen if that does anything to you

Haiku x Bottle stealing away from Haiku x Floor? Or supporting cast? Discuss

File: Completely Bernie.png (420 KB, 560x700)

420 KB PNG

>>2807722
"Hey, boss," you say, "there's ibuprofen in the medicine cabinet, although the multivitamin might do you more good. Eventually."

"Where's the medicine cabinet?" Bernie asks, looking more defeated than you've ever seen him.

"Down the hall," you say, "master suite, you can't miss it."

"Thanks," he tells you, and you can hear the phlegm in his throat.

"Yes," Heinrich says, half through a conversation you'd tuned out, "this IS the right amount of vanilla!"

"Can't say I'm a waffle expert," Madison tells him, as you keep scrambling eggs, "but it seems like a bit much."

"This is imitation vanilla," the knight says, "synthesized vanillin! You know what, taste them when they're done."

Liska punctuates the exchange with a barking laugh.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?" echoes down the corridor, and you're pretty sure that's your daughter.

Oh Hell, seems like Melon was going to the shower or something.

"Someone please keep scrambling these," you say, and head out of the kitchen and into the hallway.

"We've got guests again," you say, then realize that somehow, Bernie managed to collide with your daughter in the hallway, and they're, well, rather tangled up on the floor.

"This isn't what it looks like," Bernie says, as he picks himself up, and extends a hand down to your daughter to help her off the floor.

"What on earth," Melon says from the floor, "is going on here, dad?"

"Madison's camper showed up on our driveway," you tell her, "with a bunch of people in it. Aftermath of a really crazy night on the town. Man's got a hangover, cut him just a little slack."

She takes Bernie's hand and stands up, still in pyjamas.

"It's six forty-five, dad," Melon says, "what did you do?"

"He left before closing time," Bernie says, padding off toward the master suite.

"I didn't do anything," you tell Melon, "it just happened."

Then you hear the waffle maker beep.

"Are you making waffles?" Melon asks.

"Heinrich is," you say.

"Huh," Melon says, looking a little disappointed, "I'm going to whip through a shower before they're all gone," and she darts into the bathroom.

Just after she vanishes, Bernie comes back from your room.

"Guessing the missus got a bit frisky last night," he says, "you need a transfusion? I think the health insurance covers that."

Oh hell, he did walk by the bloody sheets.

"Does explain the bandages, though," Bernie tells you, eyeing your torso.

"You're coming back to the kitchen," you say, "and you're helping."

[1/2]

>>2807812
>>2807815
> Not fucking rule 63 Bernie

> Not fucking Trap-Bernie

Plebs. "Ooh, we're so kinky and sexually liberated hurr durr hurr durr".

You don't have the balls to be a faggot, admit it.

>>2807863
Are you sure you're ok Anon? Cause you seem a bit out of it.
Don't sleeppost, it's not good for your health.

>>2807862
"Too many cooks," Bernie says, following you.

"We're not making soup," you tell him, "we're making breakfast for twelve people. We need folks to get it on plates, at least."

"That has some logic to it," the dragon says, and you're not sure if he's managed to sober up yet. He doesn't seem as confrontational as usual

Then you see Madison leave the kitchen, and hear the front door open and shut.

"I think we're about to get besieged," you tell Bernie.

"I'm pretty good at breaking sieges," he says, as the two of you walk back into the kitchen.

Ok, NOW you wish Shelby was here. Whatever his faults may be, the guy can manage a kitchen.

Not tripping over people is more of a challenge than getting waffles and eggs on plates.

Then the tide comes in.

Madison's crew of magical girls, James (who looks like he's probably still drunk), Rob (sporting some interesting-looking injuries), Rick (stubbing out his cigarette before entering the house), and Jean (who seems far too perky for this hour - maybe it's a police thing?).

The tide is hungry.

>Talk to [WRITE IN]
>Ask generally "so, who won?"
>So, late night?
>What the hell did you people do last night?
>WRITE IN

>>2807891
>So, late night?
>Could someone grab the carton of Orange Juice out of the fridge? The unopened one, not the half empty one.

>>2807891
>>WRITE IN

> So. Did you all learn that the real treasure is Friendship, last night?

> We should redirect this energy outwards before some of you turn up dead or pregnant.

> Got an ideas for who to go after next? Princesses that need saving? Foes that need slaying? Gods that need to be reminded that if they don't keep it in their pants, we'll keep it in a box?

I'm hitting the bed now. As in getting in bed, not domestic violence.

Next runtime (hopefully tomorrow morning) on twitter: https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge
Archive (for anyone who wants to catch up): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=Shotgun

This has been an odd run so far.

>>2807891
Seconding >>2807903
Because I think friendship is the last lesson they learned.

>>2807891
>>2807903
But be as snarky as humanely possible.

>>2807891
Seconding >>2807903as well.

>>2807891
>Yell back to the kitchen crew: "THE BREAKFAST ZOMBIES ARE HERE"
>At least someone had a wonderful night.

>>2807891
>Get in before I have to run interference on Fred during his morning walks with his dog. It's gonna be harder to come up with a convincing alibi this time.

>>2807903
>>2807891
Support this because I want to see the look on Bernies face.

>>2807891
So, late night?

I should start back up shortly.

>>2806908
>it's neither stated nor implied that Liska tried to rape us in revenge
Maybe you were too fast with that one.
>I am usually very pleasantly surprised by how you handle 'sensitive' topics like these.
Well, thanks. I think that's mostly due to the fact that I find more realistic dynamics a bit more interesting than some of the other options. In this particular case, the good old "I have a headache/I'm not feeling it tonight" "ok, it's morning, you still have that headache?" cycle seemed more fun than what you're talking about.
>femdom
I think Liska's hilariously turned on by the idea that she could kill the MC, but she's letting him pin her down, and he's got the guts to do it.
I say all this, and yet I'm writing a story in which a teenage girl shows up on the MC's doorstep and threatens grievous bodily harm if someone tries to pull her in for a threesome, and this is sort of normal.

>>2808998
We'd probably be thanking her for that threat if seeing us talking to her wouldn't encourage Liska instead.

>>2808998
Seems to me that Liska's been holding back all that sexual depravity when MC was still somewhat blissfully ignorant of the magical masquerade. But now that it's been about 2 weeks (that one month long coma didn't count) since MC's headfirst dive into the deep end, That dam that's holding back the reservoir of Sexual degeneracy is starting to burst.

And it's starting to scare and grate on MC's nerves. He's fine with the sex, but he's a good wholesome American and there are some lines that he dares not cross. Not after seeing the sexual depravity that his sister does on a daily basis before she went to hell.

Haiku Deluge
@HaikuDeluge
47 minutes ago
Power outage hit while I was writing the next post. Fuck me, I'll try again tomorrow.

>>2809268
>holding back
>the dam broke
That’s how I’m reading it. This whole heat thing is just icing. Since we’ve been with Liska for twenty years or so, she’s had to have done this before, but kept a lid on it.

Some other anon was speculating she’s insecure about us actually accepting her, despite that speech we gave. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s part of the reason she’s jumping us so hard. Physical intimacy as a proxy for other sorts?

>>2808998
>Maybe you were too fast with that one.
I was specifically talking about us finally putting our foot down, and (you writing) Liska actually respecting that. In retrospect, it's a bit silly given the previous two (three?) updates, but once again, I was filtering that through the lens of 'agressive foreplay'.
'Course, I could be entirely misreading what you are saying, so there's also that.

>find more realistic dynamics a bit more interesting than some of the other options
I've got absolutely no bones with that. I've had more than enough of the more unrealistic (arguably downright abusive) dynamics found elsewhere.

>she's letting him pin her down, and he's got the guts to do it.
This is probably the number one reason I'm here at all - this kind of dynamic (especially in a non-abusive capacity) between these kinds of people is /so/ /fucking/ /rare/ it's not even funny. That, and it hits me right in the fetishes.

>threatens grievous bodily harm if someone tries to pull her in for a threesome, and this is sort of normal
The most popular alternative (I'll outline it if you really want to know the kind of shit I usually wade through) essentially discards personal autonomy and sexual preference for the sake of lesbian empowerment. I'm pretty damn good with grievous bodily harm for what essentially amounts to sexual coercion.
Oh, you meant the everything. Yeah, it's pretty fucked up, but it's been a damn good ride so far, and it's been /mostly/ internally consistent.
Bringing the priest and the kabbalah in was probably the greatest strain to my SOD, and even that's partially due to my religious convictions.
And I even voted for the priest. Should have known better.

>>2809586
>/so/ /fucking/ /rare/
Let me amend that - outside of highly fetish-oriented, unrealistic (and usually low quality) smut, that is.

>>2809486
>Physical intimacy as a proxy for other sorts?
It might well be. We've had all of maybe a week's worth of actual sit-down-and-talk time with her (running a /legitimate business/ keeps you busy, yo) since we found out she was a literal fox, and twenty some years of hiding things is not great for the mental state.

We should probably make it a priority to spend some one-on-one time with our wife, beyond just fucking the stuffing out of her. Just find something fun to do (probably off-camera) to build better communication and trust.
Man, speaking in possessive third-person like this is fucking /weird/.

>>2809608
>Man, speaking in possessive third-person like this is fucking weird.
You get used to it once you start channeling the personality of a rock star.

>>2809608
>Just find something fun to do (probably off-camera) to build better communication and trust.
Preferably later; she's had a lot of screentime recently. But yes, she is one of the many people we should spend some time with hashing things out.

She is running into the same general issue as everyone else though: character bloat. You can go deep with a few characters, or wide with many. We're wide, and getting wider all the time.
The real solution is to either kill off something like half the cast, or send about half the cast away for some reason or another. I have a vague idea for sending them off to manage domains, or maybe work on specific elements of the contract issue, or maybe send some of them off as favors to supernaturals that aren't a threat to us (ie not burnie or sister). Does anyone have anything more concrete?

>>2809635
Madison's crew can probably fuck right out of the picture to act as a quasi-independent party, W and Kelly ought to recede into the background soon, Mary's crew isn't gonna go away anytime soon (by dint of our daughter being on it), and we'll be left with some shenanigans with our new apprentice.

>>2809608
Ma, we should re-propose to our wife to have a second marriage. A marriage to her again, with all her foxy glory and family invited.

>>2809836
Will Marion or Shelby be the ringbearer?

>>2809877
Clearly it will be Freebles. The Ring Champion, and Bearer.

Shelby would be a Groomsman with our other Brothers, and Melon would be the Maid of Honor.

The question is who would be our best man. I think The Thousand Year Blade. Whom we should see if there are any enchanted shotguns we could set him up with.

>>2809885
But if Freebles is the Ringbearer. Who's gonna be the Priest?

>>2806866
How to Handle A Harem

> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6FmtiDbg4xY

Remember, D is the most important point to remember.

>>2809898
Fred.

Who is not an angel.

But WAS ordained surprisingly as a joke once in Vegas.

>>2809908
but if we're doing the second marriage, why are we dragging the guy who is MOST DEFINITELY 100% MUGGLE into the masquerade?

>>2809921
I personally don't get the point of second weddings at all besides wasting money, but it's obviously just a masquerade themed wedding in Vegas.

Hopefully I'll be running soon.

>>2809268
>>2809486
I think these are definitely components, but there are a number of factors. Another interesting point is that she didn't try the really rough stuff on the MC until after Haru had gone for it and the MC didn't seem to care, and they had a conversation about it.
>>2809586
>Liska actually respecting that
Although she can get fairly wild, they do have a rather functioning relationship. And this isn't the first time he's turned her down in bed during this quest.
I thought the "it's not last night anymore" coda felt fairly accurate, and it set up some more jokes for the morning scenes.
>non-abusive capacity
This isn't fucking Black Bird.
>/so/ /fucking/ /rare/
Which is weird, because it's not really that uncommon IRL, in my experience. Part of the fun of sex is shifting dominance roles (often on the fly), and letting someone do things that both parties know could easily be stopped (sometimes while pretending they can't be). BDSM kind of codifies it, but that element is usually present no matter how vanilla things are.
>>2809635
>kill off something like half the cast
Which half? Taking votes.

File: James.jpg (253 KB, 1024x1349)

253 KB JPG

>>2807891
"Well, folks," you say to the other people in the kitchen, "the breakfast zombies are here. Someone grab the orange juice and start filling glasses."

"How did I get back here?" James asks, over the kitchen peninsula.

"Drinking contest with a dragon," Heinrich deadpans at him, pouring more batter in the waffle maker, "sometimes people teleport after that."

"Didn't think you'd be up for a few hours," Madison says, looking over at the wizard. Yeah, that guy really does sleep in his coat.

"You wake up pretty fast when someone's shaking you and two people are slapping your face," James says, then looks around the crowd, "and I will find out who dumped the cold water on me! I will find y-"

"And you'll serve them breakfast," you tell the wizard, shoving a couple of plates into his hands, "you're press-ganged as a waiter. Have fun."

Well, that gets a wave of giggles.

Then James looks at you, eyes tracing over the bandages on your chest, "what the hell happened to you?" he asks.

"I did," Liska tells him, with a look that shows a lot of sharp teeth, "get those plates on the table."

"Good luck," James says, winking at you before taking the plates into the dining room. the tide seems to be flowing toward it, like water circling into a drain.

"Mornings always like this here?" Jean asks, pouring herself a cup of coffee, as her eyes flicker between your bandaged chest and Liska.

"Only sometimes," you sigh, and after a blur of activity, everyone's finally at the table, with food, drinks, and varying degrees of hangovers (or still being drunk).

"So," you say, looking down the table, "I hope you all learned a valuable lesson last night."

"Don't post up when a wizard picks a fight?" Rob mutters, looking darkly at James.

"Never listen to you when you ask me to hit the bar?" Bernie asks, still holding his head in his hands.

"Get the cows clear before having a fight?" Rick asks.

"Don't drink with dragons?" James says.

"I was hoping you'd all learned the real treasure is friendship," you say.

Bernie turns to look at you, a truly unreadable expression on his slack-jawed face.

"Well," Madison says, "considering nobody," and she glares at her brother, "is dead, or even seriously injured, you could say that. And thanks for breakfast."

That gets a chorus of thanks from the table, and people start scarfing down breakfast.

>Bernie, do you need a ride to work?
>So, Jean, having fun in the deep end?
>We should redirect this energy outward, before some of you turn up dead or pregnant.
>Sounds like you folks had a good night
>WRITE IN

>>2810088
>>Bernie, do you need a ride to work?

>>2809957
>kill off something like half the cast

I personally think we just need to send em off on missions to collect rats after we start/do the magic lessons/training. They don't need to show up at every last place we go to unless this is a much smaller town than I thought it was instead of a full blown city.

So I suppose that makes the order of priorities for myself to be:
>Magic training/school
>Double check that we're combat ready for Zeus and boss rat.
>Renegotiate contracts after we've made sure they have fine control in order to prevent accidents. Do it one at a time to make sure everyone isn't accidentally creating satellite nukes at the same time.
>Recruit for the war for the title of new rat god. Have a B team go out and snipe/catch/snatch rats before they can do anything to their magical girls They can bring corpses back to freebles or does he absolutely need to fight them in combat?
>Booth at magic-con for parents of magical girls
>Madison seems well read and experienced enough that she might make a good general for the new recruits.
>Mary could too, but I think we should present our first batch as some elite cadre thanks to the suits they like to wear for morale purposes.
They're the go to team and we only know that our current groups have learned enough to be safe for the important missions. Anyone new might be stupid enough to let something slip when they jump right in because they don't have the support network at home we were lucky enough to have.
>Ask Liska to make that sex ed book for magical girls. Probably have it proofread by one of the other ladies of the group since Liska being in heat is gonna warp her priorities a bit.
>By this point everyone should be suitably busy enough to not be in every scene at the same time. If that's not enough we might have to make som sort of magical congress for organization sizes above the current level to represent groups.
>Make an idiot's guide to not die from stupid magical shit from the things we've learned (and everyone else knows) not to do so far. QM might make us run into a newbie magical girl with a dad that's about to start thread one of our quest and it'll be good to have.
By that point our forces should be amassed and we can do the final run at the Rat God.
Obviously very point on this list will go horribly wrong.


>I was thinking that we should have some magic classes for the girls. They're all self taught and things like being able to see a rat hovering above a girl on the astral plane might be useful for a team of rat-catchers
>Madison, wanna be a general? Once Freebles give the go ahead about his boss not caring/noticing about us killing that duke I think we're going to be recruiting aggressively. Waiting around too long while children get dragged into this life doesn't sit right with me.
>>2810088
Having fun in the deep end Jean? It seems a bit less life threatening than my experience at least.

>>2810088
>Bernie, do you need a ride to work?
>So, Jean, having fun in the deep end?

>>2809957
>Black Bird
I don't even want to know.

>it's not really that uncommon IRL
Yeah, that's the weird thing - I guess most things like this quest are written by people who subscribe to the (70s? 90s?) idea of gender politics best characterized by "yes dear" and "never raise your hand against a woman" but think it is perfectly okay for a woman to slap a man to show her displeasure, and unironically mix that with modern feminism.
That may or may not be a caricature and/or one of my hot buttons.

I haven't seen anything near that level of disassociation in this quest so far, though, which I've got to give you props for.

>>2810135
>Make an idiot's guide to not die from stupid magical shit from the things we've learned
This probably should be pretty high on the priorities - we've already established that the existing material pretty much amounts to "get hammered".

Bonus points if it winds up being https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2gEkdPZOM8.

>>2810088
Bernie, do you need a ride to work?
also jean im not a abuse victim

>>2810088
>>We should redirect this energy outward, before some of you turn up dead or pregnant.
Let's see if we can stat delegating.

>>2810135
Major flaw in your "fight the rat god" plan: a most of our firepower comes from magical girls, and we'd only be recruiting more. Until we figure out how to get them off the rat's processed energy, as soon as we start a fight with them they'll cut our whole group off. Our first priority should be to seriously work on removing/replacing that dependency (maybe send our wizards to an enclave or something?). After that, if we want to, we can fight rats, inc.

>>2810212
That's what rewriting the contracts and the research is for. The yarnball makes it easier to understand what energy is being fed to the rats to try and reproduce it or teach freebles how to make it.

File: Very James.jpg (278 KB, 782x1023)

278 KB JPG

>>2810088
"Bernie," you ask the dragon in a low voice, "you want a ride to work?"

"I'd appreciate that," he mutters at you, still rubbing his temples. This is the meekest you've ever seen your boss. Are dragons weak to booze? Does Bernie just have a low tolerance? Did James use some sort of magic to drink the dragon under the table?

You'll probably never know.

"Do you have a dark room?" the dragon asks.

"Guest bedroom," you tell him, trying to restrain a grin, "it's got blackout curtains. Second door on the left, down the hall."

"Thanks," Bernie whispers, getting out of his chair with an uncoordinated motion, "Heinrich, make sure they don't Saint George me."

"I'M the knight here," Heinrich says, with a grin, and Bernie smiles at him and staggers down the hall.

"I was thinking," you tell the table, "we should have some magic classes for all you girls."

"I AM magic," Myrna says, grinning at you.

"Yeah, you all are," you say, "but you're self taught. And I've got it on good authority that the rats don't want any any of you studying wizardry. So that seems like something we should do."

"Because fuck those guys," Freebles says, crawling out of your pants pocket and onto the table.

Madison looks at you like you're the fuckin' second coming.

Then her head snaps around to James.

"You know that's what I've been asking you for for three months," she tells him.

"Magich's dangeroush," he says, around a mouthful of waffles, then swallows, "not sure I want to drag you guys any further in."

"WE," Madison yells, leaning over the table at him, "ARE FARTHER IN THAN YOU COULD EVER BE! If anything you know helps us," she says, settling back into her chair by degrees, as she glares at the wizard, "spill the beans."

"I've been helping you!" James yells, standing up from his chair, "I brought your brother back from the brink of death! I've been to Hell three times, and fought my way out two of them! Before I even met you! You think you're farther in than I am?"

This is beginning to look oddly like a lover's tiff.

"So," you ask Jean, under the yells, "having fun in the deep end?"

"Watching this sort of thing is never fun," she whispers, and then leans in to breathe "are things ok here? Feel safe in your own home and all that?"

"I'm not an abuse victim," you mutter, "I married a kitsune and I'm damn happy about it. You should have seen what her brother and my sister did."

Then you realize that's the room you sent Bernie to.

"Did he make her fellate his shotgun?" Jean whispers, almost innocently, but you can see the implication in her eyes.

Fuck, they've been touching souls and reliving memories inside the sword, haven't they?

>Liska, you have fun with these folks. I'm going to work
>That was in self defence, Jean
>Ladies and gentlemen, I really just meant a class on applying wizard-style magical principles to magical girl stuff
>Hey, Rob, I think that guy's making a really awkward pass at your sister. I've got a backyard
>WRITE IN

>>2810251
>Ladies and gentlemen, I really just meant a class on applying wizard-style magical principles to magical girl stuff

>>2810251
>For your information The shotgun-in-mouth was to make sure she stopped summoning more swords. Sue was the one who turned it into an innuendo.
>I've never seen a girl that masochistic, save for my sister.
>Rob, what kind of brother are you letting someone make a pass at your sister without your inspection and approval?

>>2810251
>>For your information The shotgun-in-mouth was to make sure she stopped summoning more swords. Sue was the one who turned it into an innuendo.
>Ladies and gentlemen, I really just meant a class on applying wizard-style magical principles to magical girl stuff

>>2810251
>The shotgun-in-mouth was to make sure she stopped summoning more swords. Sue was the one who turned it into an innuendo.
>>That was in self defence, Jean
>>Ladies and gentlemen, I really just meant a class on applying wizard-style magical principles to magical girl stuff

>>2810282
Supportan

>>2810251
>Your daughter was trying to slice me up like Jason in some sort of machete warehouse and I needed her to stop that. She did that whole molesting my shotgun thing on her own. I kind of suspect she had an ulterior motive when she told me the cops are demons after i said i was gonna call em on her.

When I said magic I meant more like proper understanding of the principles and their applications instead of accidentally summoning Cthulhu. Everyone seems to be self taught so there's a bunch of stuff you might not know. Would you know if some rat was sitting in the middle of this table as an astral projection? That's apparently how they usually monitor you. Can you teleport if you wanted to? If you ran into some wizard crazy enough to do stuff that scares James, would you know what he was doing? Everyone needs to figure out what they don't know and I hope you're mature enough to not do whatever crazy shit James must have been thinking about. Besides. Can you imagine the look on a rats face if you suddenly pimp slapped it's astral form into a warded shoebox?
>Just keep in mind that some of the stuff on the rat's list might actually be banned for a good reason

>>2810251
>>For your information The shotgun-in-mouth was to make sure she stopped summoning more swords and to make sure she wouldn't bite me or something. Sue was the one who turned it into an innuendo.
>>I've never seen a girl that masochistic, save for my sister.

>>2809957
Kill off Melon . Go full Doom Guy.

>>2810135
> need school for the girls

We gotta teach them small unit tactics. Get Sue to be up there wrecking faces while Mary stays in the back for nukes, and Marion acts to flank around the enemy and drive them into Mary's killzone.

I honestly don't remember what the other girls do.

Same deal with Madisons group.

We should break them down by power sets so they can work in supporting groups of three than can smoothly transition to providing cover, pushing ahead to flank, set up enfilades, target spot for indirect fire, etc.

>>2810251
> If you know about that, then you know that I only do that to enemies. If shotguns count, Sue and Sachio are eskimo siblings.

> Besides, I wasn't the super power magical girl that was looking to beat up a normal person.

> You and Sue are lucky she's changed a lot since then, but I'm still scared every day about what having to live with all the magical BS can do to our kids.

Captain NoFun! Right away reminding Jean that we're the Adults here.

>>2810363
That's Kelly's job. I presume he'd be some sort of intro to modern warfare and tactics instructor.

>>2810384
Ironically most small unit tactics are ancient.

>>2810251
>Liska, you have fun with these folks. I'm going to work
>That was in self defence, Jean

>>2810251
>That was in self defence, Jean
Thank allah she can grow her limbs back though

>>2810363
While some of regular small unit tactics would work, remember the powerlevel of them and who they might be fighting. Hard cover might as well not exist, though visual cover would still work. Some of them can fly. etc.
I love the idea of operator MGs though, so I'm willing to try and make it work.
>>2810384
Kelly is more of a lone wolf assassin-type. He'd be great or individual combat skill, not so much group tactics. We were in the marines and deployed, so we should have a decent idea of how it should work.
I wonder if we've kept up with anyone we served with..

>>2810390
Guns and artillery changes things a little. Magic should also radically alter what tactics are effective. Kelly is a prime example of just how much mundane solutions can work against supernatural beasties.
>>2810404
He's also a mercenary so I presumed he's worked in groups before. We can help out, but we know that what he's learned actually works against magical creatures while our knowledge is supposed to be human vs human.

File: It's a police officer.jpg (486 KB, 1446x2046)

486 KB JPG

>>2810251
"For your information," you mutter at her, "the shotgun-in-mouth thing was to make sure she didn't keep summoning more swords and keeping trying to kill me. Self defence. Sue was the one who turned it into innuendo."

"That isn't what I saw," Jean whispers, her eyes narrowing at you, "that was one hell of a sexual gesture."

Oh hell.

Memories are gradually overwritten, as they're accessed. Emotional ideas dyeing them in odd colors as they're remembered. If the damn sword has been letting Jean relive Sue's memories...

"They ever give you the lecture about eyewitness testimony and how you have three witnesses and five stories at the police academy?" you whisper, "I don't know what you saw in that sword, but I have been," you hiss "fending your daughter off. Although she's been getting better, those memories are probably just a little colored - I've never seen a girl that sadomasochistic, save for my sister."

"Surprised your wife wasn't fending her off," Jean whispers, with a wry grin, darting her eyes at Liska, and back at the bandages on your chest.

That's not exactly the reaction you'd expected.

"She has," you whisper back, and bite down on some of the other things you could have said. You're not telling Jean that Liska and Ellie have both expressed interest in fucking her daughter.

That just doesn't seem kosher.

"Masochistic?" Jean whispers at you, finally processing that part of what you said.

If there was an expression calculated to make you want to grab someone by the neck and slam them against the nearest wall, and they'd enjoy it, it's probably the one Jean's wearing right now.

DOES IT RUN IN THE FAMILY?

"Your sister?" she hisses.

"That is a really long story," you tell her, hoping this manages to collapse back into relative normalcy really fast, "but basically, she was a magical girl and became a demon. Demoness. Duchess of Hell."

"Don't tell me," Jean whispers, "Sue thought she was a role model, didn't she?"

>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>Lady, you really need to stop giving me that look, or my wife's going to assume it implies consent.
>Why do you think she'd do that?
>It's 7:15, I have to be at work at 8, and let's postpone this one.
>WRITE IN

>>2810416
>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>Lady, you really need to stop giving me that look, or my wife's going to assume it implies consent.

>>2810416
We told her why that's a terrible idea.

>>2810416
>>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>It's 7:15, I have to be at work at 8, and let's postpone this one.

>>2810428
Supporting

>>2810416

>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>Miss, with that look you're giving, my wife's gonna assume your consent."
>are you sure you want to end up like me after my wife's done with you? The aftermath is comparable to the end of Macbeth. It's a step down from the room wrecking romp made by my Sister and Brother-in-law. But still comparable.
>Besides, it's 7:15 and I need to drive my boss to work.

>>2810416
>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>Lady, you really need to stop giving me that look, or my wife's going to assume it implies consent.

>>2810416
>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>Lady, you really need to stop giving me that look, or my wife's going to assume it implies consent.
>It's 7:15, I have to be at work at 8, and let's postpone this one.

>>2810416
>We told her why that's a terrible idea and while I think that drove the point home, the accidental visit she had last week sure as hell made it clear.
>Kelly ran into her for some weird ritual and an entire city got slaughtered when she had a temper tantrum.
> And change that look on your face. My wife is apparently going into heat right now and I have work to get to. I'm guessing that if we properly impregnate her the heat thing will wear off?

>>2810416
>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>It's 7:15, I have to be at work at 8, and let's postpone this one.

>>2810416
>>We told her why that's a terrible idea.
>>Lady, you really need to stop giving me that look, or my wife's going to assume it implies consent.

Everyone picking the trick option.

You're doing it on purpose aren't you

File: Fuck Me, I'm A Silver Fox.jpg (765 KB, 1800x1200)

765 KB JPG

>>2810416
"We told her why it was a terrible idea," you say, staring at the police officer, "we are looking out for her, or, at least, trying to. I don't want to see anyone else walk the path my sister walked," you tell her, then whisper, "and Sue seems oddly similar to her. I don't want to watch one more person I care about walk into Hell."

"Thanks," Jean tells you, and sighs, leaning toward you, "look," she whispers, "I admit, I'm not exactly the best mother, and I'm not quite sure what's going on here. Everything I've seen is a bit horrifying. Although I have to thank you for loaning out the sword - I probably 'get' Sue more than I ever did before."

You hope she does.

"And she's, well," Jean says, and smiles, "definitely my daughter. And you care about her."

"You keep looking at me like that," you mutter, "and Liska's going to assume it implies consent."

"Consent to what?" Jean asks, as Liska suddenly hugs her from behind.

"You have to ask?" you barely hear your wife breathe into her ear, then Liska's lips move without making a sound your ears can pick up.

You see several people around the table stiffen. The magical girls are going 'fight or fight harder' mode.

And Heinrich starts laughing.

"Let's not," Jean whispers at your wife, her cheeks flushing, then whispers, "really, don't," she gasps, "I HAVE a service pistol," she hisses, and Liska relaxes her hold.

"But can you please sign this book?" Jean asks, pulling a worn paperback out of her jacket pocket.

"That one?" Liska asks, grabbing it, her face going red, "you want me to sign..." and it's impossible to read that mask of pride and shame on your wife's features as she reads the title, but at least it seems to have snapped her out of it, "someone get me a pen," Liska says.

Well, that seems to have cut the red wire.

You hand a sharpie to your wife, and whisper "do I need to call in sick today?"

"I can probably handle it," she mutters back, taking the pen and scrawling "MAY YOU FARE BETTER THAN THE PROTAGONIST, JEAN - LISKA" across the inner cover of a cheap paperback.

"Thanks!" Jean says, receiving the paperback with a look reserved for gods and authors.

>I need to get to work
>Uh, which of yours was that?
>Can you all please, please, manage to not destroy my house?
>Liska, we're spending the day in bed
>Liska, how would you like to be my receptionist for the day?
>WRITE IN

>>2810730
>I need to get to work
>Heinrich, can you please check up on my boss?
>Freebles, please ring up the bill for these diners in my house. The Breakfast for 12 cleaned out much of the pantry and fridge.

>>2810730
>>I need to get to work
>Can you all please, please, manage to not destroy my house?
We do still have a job.

>"Let's not," Jean whispers at your wife, her cheeks flushing, then whispers, "really, don't," she gasps, "I HAVE a service pistol," she hisses, and Liska relaxes her hold.
She needed a threat of violence to dissuade her from raping someone. Yes, that would have been rape.
This can't be the first time she's been in heat. How has she dealt with it in the past? Not in the usual way, on account of Melon being her only kid, and that's the whole point of heat.

>>2810730
>>Can you all please, please, manage to not destroy my house?
>Find Bernie, arrange for us to get off early because of our wife's ongoing medical issue. Trust us, he will be happier without a sex crazed kitsune running around town.

>>2810730
>>Uh, which of yours was that?
>>I need to get to work

>>2810739
Probably took birth control pills or spells and just acted like your normal Hedonist Kitsune.

>>2810730
>I need to get to work
>Can you all please, please, manage to not destroy my house?

Pull Liska aside later (preferably in bed) and ask her
>Which book of yours was that? And what was that about the protagonist?

>>2810739
>How has she dealt with it in the past?
Probably by getting blackout drunk in addition to what anon is saying - I wouldn't be surprised if part of the night we don't remember was her coming off of heat.

>>2810730
>Can you all please, please, manage to not destroy my house?
>I need to get to work
>Give her a mildly smug look

>>2810730
>You're not wrong or alone about everything being horrifying. It seems to be the main excuse for why everyone is an alcoholic.
>I have to go to work soon
>Please don't destroy my house
>You can check with the other girls for testimony if you want.
>James, Madison, Liska, mind getting her up to speed on anything else she might not know? If she didn't know about my sister, she definitely has gaps in what Sue told her or cared to remember.
>Group meeting tomorrow night. We gotta sort out a great deal of things including whatever the hell the rats are up to.

>>2810730
>Find Bernie, arrange for us to get off early because of our wife's ongoing medical issue. Trust us, he will be happier without a sex crazed kitsune running around town.

>>2810743
>>2810749
Birth control pills are a fairly recent invention, considering her age. Her dealing with it in the expected way would have yielded a child by this point; even with her low fertility, she's been around a long time, and heat is sure to boost it. How long are kitsune fertile anyway?

>>2810909
Romans had an herb that was a natural contraceptive actually. Also given how Liska struggled to give one kid, she might be more infertile than most, or fucked lots of partners that were not cross species compatible.

File: Yeah, this is the wife.jpg (382 KB, 521x650)

382 KB JPG

>>2810730
You're almost surprised nobody released some sort of supernatural pressure during that exchange, but, looking down the table, you see a few people who were ready to fight or die, and are just trying to settle their pulses now.

"So," you say, "I have to go to work. Can I trust you guys to not destroy my house?"

"You trust me?" Madison asks, "I can keep my folks in line. Even James," she finishes, looking at the wizard.

"We're on shift pretty soon," Rick tells you, "so we won't be here long."

"You should probably put a shirt on before you go to the office," someone says, and you glare around the table as laughter breaks out.

"I'll take it under advisement," you say, rising out of your chair, and heading back to your bedroom. Liska follows you.

"I probably went a little overboard there," she whispers in the hallway.

"Definitely," you say, "what did you whisper to her? I didn't catch it."

"Nothing I would do in front of nine people," Liska tells you, following you into the master closet, as you pick out a shirt, "if someone's in our world, they have to be able to put their foot down and threaten violence. Even if they never use it."

You're not sure you're buying the 'it was just a test' thing, particularly given some of what Liska's said before.

Buttoning the shirt in the mirror is a bit harder than usual. Things hurt.

"Jean passed with flying colors," Liska says, smiling behind you in the mirror, looking impressive in that bathrobe.

"And this has nothing to do with oyakodon, or being in dead heat?" you ask, staring at her eyes in the mirror as you tie your necktie.

Liska sighs.

"Can we please save it until you get back from work?" she asks.

"Unless I'm missing today," you tell her, turning around and pecking her on the cheek.

"You've got to drive Bernie in," she says, "and, yes, I'll keep it under control. I won't jump - any of them."

"Glad to hear it," you say with a smile, as she tightens your tie, and you throw on a jacket.

"But I'd really like you to jump me," she whispers, as you head out to grab your boss.

Then you turn back and french her.

"Now you're going to have to do it," she whispers, breathlessly.

"I have to grab Bernie and go to wor~" you start, as her teeth pierce the side of your neck.

"Have a good day, honey," she says, "I'll be waiting for you tonight."

"We always liked Def Leppard, didn't we?" you ask her with a grin, "good luck with our guests," you say, and walk to the guest bedroom.

You knock on the guest bedroom door, then open it.

"You're going to have to tell me what the hell happened happened in here," Bernie says from the floor.

"Family stuff," you say, helping him up, "you want to be late?"

"I thought you were straight-laced," the dragon says, grinning.

"And I think you want to get to work on time," you say, shepherding him to the garage, and your 'beast of a car', "Heinrich coming?"

"He'll call someone to pick him up," Bernie says, as the garage door rolls up, "let's go."

[1/2]

File: Definitely Completely Bernie.png (613 KB, 800x800)

613 KB PNG

>>2810951
You merge onto the freeway.

"So," you ask the dragon, "a hangover mellows you out this much?"

"Anyone ever tell you you're a terrible person?" Bernie asks.

"Several people," you say, taking a glance at the dragon's untucked shirt and half-done tie, "mostly women."

He starts laughing.

"It would be," he says, "you're one of those guys that goes wild in his youth, then finds religion, or a wife, and settles down, huh?"

Hangover, your ass. He's still drunk.

"I saw a lot of them over the years," Bernie tells you, "blue-eyed crusaders, men fighting for their country, their religion, their people, their god - doing terrible things and -" he claps his hands, "BAM! They get married. Or find a good-looking milkmaid, which is about the same thing, or so all the songs say, or they become a monk, then they're, well, whatever you are."

"And what am I?" you ask him, changing lanes, "you're the near-immortal dragon here. Give me your ageless wisdom."

"You're," Bernie says, staring at you as he slumps in his seat, "hmm. I'm not really sure. You're not a princess-saving knight, you're not the third son who upstages his younger brothers, and that retired soldier thing, well, according to fairytales, you're screwed."

"If we're going according to fairytales," you tell him, "you're a dragon, so you're going to either get killed by the hero or give the hero a boon."

Bernie laughs.

"Or I could just drop you at your place on the way to the office," you say.

"No, no," Bernie says, muddling around with his tie, "we're going to the office. Hmm," he continues, looking over at you, "the hero, huh? You got any divine descent?"

"Not that I know of," you tell him.

"If you did," the dragon says, "I'm guessing Venus."

>Why?
>You seem unusually friendly this morning
>What if I told you there were four satellites?
>I have to get you drunk more often
>WRITE IN

>>2811007
>>You seem unusually friendly this morning
>I have to get you drunk more often

>>2811007

>Why?
>We need to get wasted some point.

File: Midlife crisis expression.png (713 KB, 1249x620)

713 KB PNG

>>2811007
>*over exaggerated Sarcastic midlife crisis mode* I was of magical decent the entire time? No wonder my sister went frilly and my wife is a fox!

>>2811007
>That'd explain how my sister acted both before and after becoming a demoness.

>>2811007
>Because everyone around me seems to hook up lately?
>You seem unusually friendly this morning. Was it the waffles?

>>2811007
>Now here's the thing I don't get about those fairytales, why does the hero need to be the kid of some dickass god? Now you're making me uncomfortable because you're telling me I'm Zeus's nth times great grandson 90th removed

>>2811058
>I learned from Freebles that he was probably stolen from King Enma to be turned into one of the rats but I didn't see any recent reports of theft in the ledgers. Is he euphemistically listed as an expense that was written off or something? I must be missing something somewhere.
>I'm still amazed that those girls managed to knock out 4 satellites.

>>2811007
>Actually, my mother-in-law is a land goddess...

>>2811007
Why?