>>3281235
>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in one of the bunks in Melon's room

>>3281235
>>And anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or floor needs to leave
>>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in one of the bunks in Melon's room
About time, Haiku.

>>3281235
>>And anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or floor needs to leave
>>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in one of the bunks in Melon's room

Good to see your back, man.

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Guess we're back after a month off. I'm abandoning the original thread #20 because it didn't get archived.

Archive: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Shotgun
Character sheet/notes (updated): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnv
Twitter, for runtimes: https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge

>>3281261
>About time, Haiku.
Yeah, yeah, sorry.

>>3281235
>And anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or floor needs to leave
>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in the upstairs study
>Ask Rachel how the hell she's floating like that

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>>3281235
"But really," Mary says, "the master suite? And you keep insisting you're not my high priest?"

"It's the last open bed in the house, and you've been on quite a trip," you tell her, then raise your voice at the assembly, "and anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or a floor and doesn't have a room already should probably leave. It's been a hell of a night for everyone."

You hear a vague chorus of "you can say that again" ripple across the crowd, and see Rachel (still floating above the ground) arguing with her parents about where she's staying out of the corner of your eye as you cruise toward Liska. It's not hard to find her - the tails are a dead giveaway.

"I think we're on one of the bunks in Melon's room," you whisper in a fluffy ear, as you come up behind her and slide a hand on her hip.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Liska says, turning to face you, her face a bit flushed, then whispers, "unless you WANT her trying to crawl into our bed. And I don't mean like she used to do when she had nightmares as a kid. I really don't want that."

"God knows I don't want that either," you tell Liska, "and I'm pretty sure she knocked herself out with sleeping pills. She was rolled up like a caterpillar last I saw."

Liska's eyes narrow.

"Yeah, you -" she starts, the pulls herself back, "hell, I'm still not thinking straight," she tells you and puts a hand on her forehead.

"Besides," you say, "we'll be there to make sure nothing happens, right?"

"You'll be there to do that," Liska whispers, "but if things go wrong - you're going to have a kitsune and a hanyou jumping you. I REALLY don't want that."

"Yeah," you whisper back, "if that happens, I'll flare all the supernatural power I've got, and that should wake at least one of you up. There are a lot of other people in here I don't want going into that room, and this is the best solution I can think of."

"Fine," Liska says, grimacing, and brushes about half her tails across your face as she turns away.

Kelly coughs behind you - not the hacking guttural noise you expect from him, but a very polite "am I interrupting something?" sort of cough.

You turn your head to look at him.

"We're bailing," the assassin says, then whispers, "as soon as the fae and the mole leave," then finishes with "it's been a fun night," in a much more normal tone.

>What's your definition of 'fun'?
>Cool. Let me see if W's on the same plan
>Let's expedite them getting out. I think Reynold's had enough 'fun'
>Make sure you grab Shelby
>WRITE IN

>>3281436
>Cool. Let me see if W's on the same plan
>What's your definition of 'fun'?

>>3281436
>>What's your definition of 'fun'?
You fucking died.

>>3281436
>What's your definition of 'fun'?

>>3281436
>>What's your definition of 'fun'?
>>Hey, now that Mary's back, next time we can sit down and try and figure this whole Angel Of Death thing alright? I won't forget about your problems either brother. Thanks for the help so far.

>>3281436

>What's your definition of 'fun'?
>Cool. Let me see if W's on the same plan

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>>3281436
"What's your definition of 'fun'?" you ask Kelly, "you fucking died!"

"I got to play Russian Roulette with Death," the assassin says, "that was pretty fun, and I got a title off it. I hogtied a half-demon and he couldn't get out of it. I got to stare down a god and he backed off! I got to meet-" then he drops his voice to a whisper again, "I got to meet HER again. She's the closest thing I have to a mother or an older sister in this world, and she's here! And," he suddenly raises his voice "I GOT MY COUGH CURED! This has been a damn fun night, man. Or should I start calling you 'Deuce'?"

A smile's quirking at the corners of Kelly's lips as you tell him "please don't. I really don't like that story."

"None of us get to pick our nicknames," Kelly says, with a broad grin, "or our titles. it's just something that binds us to the people who gave them, y'know? Although that's a pretty shitty way to get one."

Unfortunately, it was a literally shitty way to get one.

"But it was one hell of a great night for me," the assassin continues, "I'm not terminally ill anymore! The Angel Of Death admitted I deserve the title more than him! I can live out my normal lifespan with my family - and if I bite it, I can try gaming him again for an extension with the title as collateral! Look," he says, leaning toward you, "I know I might not seem like it, but the idea that I'm going to get to grow old with my family around me - that's worth more than ANYTHING my clients have ever given me!"

>I need to make sure W had as much fun - want to come?
>I need to go make sure W had as much fun
>I think Liska's a little mad with me - I need to check that out
>Can you stay on as insurance against 'Lucy'?
>Damn, sounds like you had a good night
>What was that about Scarborough Fair being your mother or elder sister?
>This is the happiest I've ever seen you
>Hey, you want to get that title checked out? We've got a dude who might know about it.
>WRITE IN

[Holy fuck, that's a lot of options! I try to include multiples if possible.]

>>3281556
>What was that about Scarborough Fair being your mother or elder sister?
>I need to make sure W had as much fun - want to come?

We need to finally find where that damn wizard dissipated to.

>>3281556
>>I need to go make sure W had as much fun

>>3281556
>Damn, sounds like you had a good night
>I need to make sure W had as much fun - want to come?

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>>3281556
"Sounds like you had a damn good night. Glad I could make that happen," you tell him, then whisper "and what was that about Scarborough Fair being your mother or older sister?"

"I said she was the closest thing I had to one," Kelly hisses back at you under his breath, "I've been fighting as long as I can remember. I met her in a fairy ring on a hill while I was fucking in for the IRA. Kept going back to her. She taught me things. Then she was gone one day, all the mushrooms crushed. She looked different back then. Guess fighting her in Russia was something like a graduation, even if we didn't recognize each other."

"From what I've heard," you whisper at him, "you got damn lucky there too."

"I would have died," Kelly whispers, "and I would have happy to, if she'd fallen for me. But I was just a kid, and I went on to do other things. Actually kind of grateful she didn't go for it. There are some things you have to keep at arms' length."

"Like my sister?" you hiss at him, and by then your face are so close you might as well be kissing.

Kelly grimaces, "she wanted it," he whispers to you, with eyes like black diamonds, "she forced it - look, touche, but neither of us really want to talk about this."

"No," you say, "but I do want to find out if W had as much fun as you did tonight. Want to come?"

"I've been watching that scene over your shoulder the whole time," Kelly says, "of course I want to rag on him."

Then you turn around to see Rachel positively flitting around her parents and her sister, as they all engage in some sort of family argument. From what you can hear, Rachel wants to be by Mary's side, but W wants her to come home with them. You're not entirely sure about what Alice and Shirley want, but they're usually not the most vocal people at the best of times.

You walk toward the little knot, and hear Rachel yell "alright, if you think you can stop me, fight me! I'm more powerful than you'll ever be!"

...oh dear.

"On second thought," Kelly says from behind you, "I really don't want to rag on him - she's doing it already. That looks like a tough situation. You have fun while I round up my crew."

Well, there goes your moral support.

>Walk up to W's family and casually mention that they're all welcome to spend the night
>Just walk up and see if thing die down with an outsider in play
>This is not your problem. You should go talk to [WRITE IN]
>Whatever W's family issues are, your own are more important. Liska's having a bad night
>Walk up and ask them if they need the quarry for this one.
>WRITE IN

>>3281847
>Just walk up and see if thing die down with an outsider in play
>If not point out Mary is tired and has had a long fucking night. she ills need the sounds of fighting keeping her awake or the place she's sleeping at burning down.

>>3281847
>Walk up to W's family and casually mention that they're all welcome to spend the night, and if their not, ask them if they need the quarry for this one.

>>3281847
>>3281874
supportan

>>3281847
>>Walk up and ask them if they need the quarry for this one.

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I think I'm crashing. Hopefully I'll resume tomorrow and this thread will become more hilarious.

Twitter for runtimes: https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge
Archive for catching up: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Shotgun
Character sheet (mostly updated): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnv

I think Kelly's not giving the full story on his childhood interactions with 'Rosemary'/'Scarborough Fair' here, but at this point we've gotten the gist. (And probably everything that either of them would willingly tell the MC.) The idea of a fae that basically said "fuck you, I'll fight for them because they respect us!" to Titania and Oberon in front of the whole faery court is incredibly entertaining to me. 'Rosemary'/'Scarborough Fair' doesn't actually have a home to go back to, which is why she's been living as a gun for hire.

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>>3281937
cheers, boss

>>3281847
>>3281874
"We ALL need a good nights sleep to think on things."

>>3281847
>>Just walk up and see if thing die down with an outsider in play

>>3281847
supporting >>3281874

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>>3281847
You approach the little group very casually, sizing things up as you walk. Much as you'd hoped the fight at the quarry was a wakeup call, the looks Rachel and W are trading seem like they might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. And you're actually worried about Shirley, who's standing a bit behind her father with a strained expression on her face - now that Rachel's gotten a drastic increase in power, there's no telling what she might do to prove a point. You can still remember the magical girl (or whatever Rachel is now) hissing about her "fucking wizard sister" the first time she showed up.

Alice's eyes are flitting back and forth between the two, with the look of a mouse caught between two cats.

And W's face is - oh, you know that look. Sometimes you've seen it in the mirror. He's got the clenched jaw of a man who's done everything he thinks he should have, and he's getting slammed for it. "If I hadn't..." he starts in a low but intense voice, and the wineglass is nowhere to be seen, then he notices you out of the corner of his eye and stops.

...the demons are probably all really enjoying this little show, aren't they? Hell, even you can almost feel the roiling emotions around those two.

"Oh," Rachel says, baring her teeth, "go on."

You clear your throat to make sure she notices you.

"Hey," you say, fully walking into the circle of conversation, "I'm starting to wind the party down and kick people out if they're not sleeping here. We've all had a rough night, and need some sleep."

"That's what we were talking about," W says, bringing his voice closer to normal, "so-"

"W, Rachel," you say, taking a gamble while raking your eyes across both of them, "we don't know how proximity affects, well," and you gesture at the girl floating a few inches over your yard. Not enough to be different than very tall heels, but just showing off that she CAN do it, "might be best for you," as you look into Rachel's eyes, "to stick close to Mary until we can figure it out. And it's far too late for more magic experimentation. You're all welcome to spend the night."

Alice leans forward and whispers something in W's ear as Rachel looks at you with - is that a glare? You're not quite sure. It's certainly not the most deadly look you've gotten during your career, then it softens, as she realizes what you're saying.

"I'm afraid we're going home," W says, putting his hand on his wife's shoulder, "but thanks for the offer," he tells you with a look of gratefulness, "Rachel, Shirley, you can come or not."

Then the wizard rips a hole through reality, and Alice steps through. W follows after a moment. Shirley looks farther up at her sister than she's ever had to and says "I'm glad you're back," then darts through before the hole closes.

By the time you look back at Rachel, she's sitting on the grass, breathing heavily.

>And that's when Lucifer walks over
>You ok?
>Alright, bedtime!
>I think they do love you
>WRITE IN

>>3287058
>>And that's when Lucifer walks over

>>3287058
>>Lucifer, I swear by your father, you will wait your turn or I will give my sister the greenlight to take your head right here and now
.
>>You know they love you right? I don't know anything about siblings, but I know that look in W and Alice's eyes like I do my own heartbeat, so trust me when I say that he does love you. He just wants to help you the best way he knows how.

>>3287058
>>You ok?

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>>3287058
"You ok?" you ask her, stepping over toward the girl.

"Think I've ever been ok?" she bites back at you, with a hell of a lot more venom than Mary's similar question had in it, and someone extends a hand to her before you get there.

" γύναι," Lucy says, knees bent, waiting for her to take his hand to pull her to her feet, "I can tell you from bitter experience that doesn't end well," and there's some rightness and wrongness in that scene of Rachel's hand reaching toward his.

Then she pulls her hand back.

"Look what it did to me," Lucy says, standing up and turning away, "I stormed off in a rage and I'm pretty sure I was right about at least half of it," he goes on, talking mostly to himself, "and I'm... well, now I'm the Devil. It's not quite your situation, but I could have been an, uhm, 'district attorney' or something for Heaven, not the ruler of Hell. Or maybe both, but I blasted through it all and," he says, looking over his shoulder at Rachel, his neck like a limber snake, "I'm not sure I should have. I'm not sure I shouldn't have. Your father's not a god," he says, looking back at her, "but-"

"Father of Lies," you say, grabbing one of Rachel's hands and wrenching her up to standing, then look over her shoulder at Lucy and say, "you're going to wait your turn or I'll give Ellie the greenlight to take your head here."

"Honestly," Ellie says, "watching this seems more entertaining."

"There's always a piece of truth in a lie, isn't there?" Rachel asks, pulling in close to you, then she whispers, "thanks for taking my side there, Hierophant," she hisses in your ear, and you're REALLY hoping Liska didn't see that.

Yeah, this is Mary's problem.

"I CAN stand on my own," Rachel says, drawing back from you, then she cranes her neck around and yells, "Mary? We going to bed or not?"

You want to tell her how well you know the look in her parents' eyes, how W's been killing demons to shore up her quotas for years, how they've all doing what they can for her, but, if you've read her right, that might set her off.

A manifesto of how she can't stand on her own.

>Mary, grab your 'angel'
>Ensure Reynold and 'Rosemary' leave
>Retreat to the living room couch, put on a football game, and pop open a beer. The last true refuge of the American dad.
>For once in my life, I'm seconding Lucy here - something you see as an affront, they-we see as loving you
>Lucy, you get a couch
>WRITE IN

>>3287295
>>Mary, grab your 'angel'

>>3287295
>>Ensure Reynold and 'Rosemary' leave

May as well tie this up while we let Rachel cool off.

>>3287295
>>Lucy, you get a couch
>Seeing as you've had nothing to lay on in centuries and modern couches are better than primitive beds I am sure you will manage.
>For once in my life, I'm seconding Lucy here - something you see as an affront, they-we see as loving you

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>>3287295
"Alright," you say, "Lucy, you get a couch for that. And a blanket."

"That's a hell of a lot better than the sands!" Lucy says, then strokes his chin, "actually, this'll be the first time in two millenia I've slept on a cushion."

"Mary," you say, raising your voice a bit, "grab your 'angel'. I think it's bedtime for everyone."

"I've got to figure out some better term for them," Mary says, stepping forward from the circle you didn't realize had formed behind you to claim Rachel, "that doesn't overlap."

Alright. There's only one more set of folks you need to deal with. You have a lot of things you want to tell Rachel, but she probably needs to cool off first.

So you bear down on the fae and your hapless office assistant, as Mary drags Rachel off to the showers by main force.

"Hey," you say, "Reynold, 'Rosemary'. It's closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

"I know who I want to take me home," Reynold says, then Rosemary looks at you and says:

"I'm good to drive."

You see them out to the door, through a miniature maelstrom of preparations for overnight stays, and end up on the doorstep.

"It's been fun, boss," Reynold says.

"Thanks," 'Rosemary' tells you under shaded eyes.

>Kid, you know your girl's a Leanan Sidhe, right?
>I assume she's driving?
>It's been a pleasure - hope you enjoyed meeting us as much as we enjoyed meeting you.
>Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you
>WRITE IN

>>3287415
>>It's been a pleasure - hope you enjoyed meeting us as much as we enjoyed meeting you.
>>[pull him close]Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you
>>[to Rosemary]Make sure he gets a good night's rest. I want to see him at work tomorrow.

I don't even remember what day it is so replace that with whatever if it's wrong.

>>3287415
>Kid you pull any of that Narc shit on me again? It'll make your inevitable fate with your girlfriend look like happy hour at the bar compared to what will happen to you.
>>[to Rosemary]Make sure he gets a good night's rest. I want to see him at work tomorrow.

>>3287415
>>Kid, you know your girl's a Leanan Sidhe, right?

>>3287415
>>Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you
>>Hope you enjoyed your time in the deep end, I have to live here.

>>3287415
>It's been a pleasure - hope you enjoyed meeting us as much as we enjoyed meeting you.
>>>[pull him close]Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you
>>>[to Rosemary]Make sure he gets a good night's rest. I want to see him at work tomorrow.

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>>3287415
"It's been a pleasure," you say, then dispense with the pleasantries.

"Quick word," you say, grabbing Reynold by his collar, then harshly whisper into his ear: "kid, if you wear another wire into my house, or my office, I'll beat the shit out of you. And I can't answer for what the other fuckers will do. Let alone the clients."

You can see 'Rosemary bristling past his shoulder, but she should know it's for his own good.

Unfortunately, you're not entirely sure how much of tonight Reynold might remember.

"My best offer still stands," you say to the world in general, releasing him at Rosemary.

"It's generous," she says, staring you down, "but I've laughed at 'you cannot run far enough' before. Still a good night."

"And if I see him at work tomorrow," you say, "I'll assume you two didn't take it. We did enjoy meeting you."

"You probably will see him," she says, shifting one arm to support your unfortunate employee, "you're nowhere near the scariest bastard I've faced."

Well, you think, as the two of them walk away, and - did Rosemary just wink at you? - that's not really a distinction you want. Reynold is a lucky bastard and a flaming idiot.

...although the idea of 'Scarborough Fair' coming after you is not a pleasant one, given some of the stories you've heard.

You feel a light hand on your shoulder, and turn to see Rick attached to the other end of it. At least he has pupils. Jean's saying a few parting words to Liska and Iris from what you can see over his shoulder.

"Well," the demon police chief says, half pushing past you, "thanks for tonight, lord. The legion will be there when you call."

"I might have some questions about the new guy," you whisper as he gets through the door.

"Tomorrow," he says, from the other side of your front door, as Jean pushes past you, an oversized briefcase clunking against the doorframe.

Before you can quite ponder what's going on, Kelly's clan bails, with the patriarch half-saluting you in passing.

And eventually the front door is shut against the things that go bump in the night. Or at least the ones that aren't staying in your house.

Madison's crew should mostly be in the camper, you can hear Mary's crew (judging by voices, that includes Harriet and Karen as well as Rachel) arguing about the master bedroom showers, and it seems like Lucy has taken up decided residence on a living room couch with a blanket and a book.

>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcase
>Make sure Lucy seems secure
>Make sure Ellie's crew is settled in in their room
>Drag Liska to bed - time for this night to be over
>WRITE IN

>>3287926
>Drag Liska to bed - time for this night to be over

>>3287926
>>Make sure Lucy seems secure
>>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcase

May as well make sure Lucy is distracted enough with the library that he doesn't get up to, or into anything else tonight before shuffling off ourselves.

>>3287926
>>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcase

>I don't even remember what day it is so replace that with whatever if it's wrong.
IIRC, this is still Thursday night in the quest, like it's been for several months in real-time. I'll probably be bailing myself within a couple of posts. I conked out in the floor for a couple hours earlier during the thread, but I'd really like to pick up earlier tomorrow.

>>3287926
>Make sure Ellie's crew is settled in in their room
>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcase
afraid but curious.

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>>3287926
Well, seems like the party's over. Anyone hanging around tomorrow can be press-ganged into a cleanup crew.

You walk back into the living room to check on your newest guest, who's lounging on your couch under a couple of blankets, with a stack of books by his side.

Lucy cocks an eyebrow at you as you enter.

"I trust you're finding everything interesting?" you ask.

"Very," he tells you, "oh, you can kill the light. The lamp here is fine."

The switch snaps down, leaving the room dark, save for the pool of light the 'Mourning Star' is using to read his way through your library.

"I'd prefer if you didn't mess with my family or guests," you venture.

"Sure," Lucy says, "I'm a guest too, aren't I? And," he says as you turn to leave, "I only told her what I wish someone could have told me, although our cases are different, Watson."

Then you look back and realize he's got a collection of Sherlock Holmes in his hands.

"I'm told that guy was real," you say, "but like a lot of other things on the shelves: as far as I know - it's fiction."

"But that's the beauty of it," Lucy says, "even fiction displays the foibles of the human mind and illuminates the 'why' in ways a history can't. And even histories have a judgemental air to them, with what's put in, left out or editorialized into the text."

"Not sure you've met Madison yet," you say, hearing running water in the hall bath, "but I think she'd enjoy talking to you. A bit surprised Ellie didn't go for your throat tonight, honestly."

"I'm a good listener," Lucy tells you.

"Then I'm surprised Haru didn't go for it," you say, quirking a smile.

"I don't go in for that sort of thing myself," Lucy says, "although it's always fun to see others try. I'm a bit surprised you still decided to harbor me after finding out who I was."

"Well," you tell The Devil, "so am I. Maybe it's professional courtesy - they called us 'Devil Dogs', you know?"

"I'd love to see the jurisdiction arguments over who actually gets your soul when you bite it," Lucy says, "anyway, I'm going to be reading for a while - you have a very nice library."

"Thank my wife," you say, before heading down the hall. From the muffled conversation in the guest bedroom, it sounds like Ellie's crew is settling in for the night. You wonder if Rob's still in there, or back in the camper.

You rap a couple of time on the hall bath door, and say "it's me, Liska."

[1/2]

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>>3288064
"It's not locked," Liska says in an oddly muffled voice, and you open the door to find her brushing her teeth.

...good thing there are spares in here, you think as you pull out a new toothbrush to begin the cleansing ritual yourself.

Showers can be optional, but cavities are forever.

"Lucifer likes your library," you say, before rinsing your mouth out.

"Not sure how much of a compliment that is," Liska says from behind you, fixing your eyes in the mirror, "but I guess he gets to have good taste."

"Well," you finally say, "the Stones did call him a man of wealth and taste. He seems to like the song - or what he's heard of it."

"Actually," she whispers to you while you're drying your face with a towel, "how DID you scrape up the Prince of Darkness?"

"In the mood for a bedtime story?" you ask, and the two of you head for Melon's bedroom, taking the farthest bunk away from your sleeping daughter, who's luckily still rolled up into something like a caterpillar. Then you tell the story.

"I wish I'd been good to go," Liska says after you finish, snuggling up against you under the covers, "that actually sounds like fun."

"Sorry I gave our bedroom away and you didn't get to ask anyone if that bed was carved into an olive tree," you tell her in a low voice.

"Mmm," she growls, nuzzling at your neck, "sometimes it's fun to just be all over you without doing anything. And I guess you're right - we can't really leave Melon alone after I ripped the door down." Haru may be correct - Liska might be coming off this heat cycle.

"That was probably the right call," you mutter back at her, "by the way, what was Jean doing with that briefcase? I thought that was here for helping out with..."

You can feel Liska start to shake with muffled laughter, and she finally says, "my dear Watson - she got me to sign a book about a demon tied up so he didn't hurt the heroine. The last person we tied up with that kit was Rob while his arm was going nuts. Jean went with Rick, and left Sue here. What do you think she's planning on doing with it?"

...oh.

"Tell me you didn't talk her into that," you say.

"It was mostly Iris," Liska whispers, "I swear."

Considering how fast both of you fall asleep after that, it's been a rough night for everyone.

But you eventually wake up to:

>Someone attempting to climb into the bed. It's still dark
>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast with [WRITE IN]
>Melon's alarm clock, still set for school hours even though she's on sick leave
>A strange noise coming from somewhere else in the house
>WRITE IN

>>3288132
>>Someone attempting to climb into the bed. It's still dark

>>3288132
>>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast while Satan comes to terms with the concept of a microwave.

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And that's it for tonight, folks. I hope to be back tomorrow.

Twitter (for runtimes): https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge
Archive (for the history of how in the hell, or out of it, things got this crazy): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Shotgun
Character/Notes Sheet (recently updated): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnv

>>3288132
>A strange noise coming from somewhere else in the house
Mystery box?

>>3288132
>A strange noise coming from somewhere else in the house

>>3288132
>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast with Lucy
Because the man with wealth and taste wants to try his hand at cooking something for the first time in 2000+ years

>>3288132
>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast with Lucy

>>3288132
this: >>3288145
>>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast while Satan comes to terms with the concept of a microwave.

>>3288682
Microwave? He's never actually seen a FORK.

>>3288132
>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast while Satan comes to terms with the concept of a microwave.

>>3288802
Forks first appeared between 2400 and 1900 B.C. and even the Ancient Greeks had personal table forks. So Forks should not be weird.

>>3288916
Maybe I confused it with a spoon?
I'm probably thinking about modern forks that are three pronged or something instead of the giant forks you stab giant hunks of meat with while carving.

>>3289065
Yeah, 3 and 4 pronged forks are more modern originating in Persia/Byzantium but a fork shouldn't be anything really alien.

>>3289144
I was thinking more about middle ages era cutlery. Maybe Europe was just a bunch of backwards barbarians?

>>3288132
backing this >>3288145

>>3288132
I can imagine us just waking up with Mary next to us or floating above us.

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>>3288132
Sunshine.

The first gleeful fingers of Aurora threading in through the blinds. Liska's still in a deep sleep, as you confirm while struggling out of the bed under her dead weight.

She never was a morning person, and she seems more beat than usual.

Looks like Melon's still curled into an approximation of a caterpillar, her blonde hair hair catching the light across her pillow. You wish you could at least pat her head or something, but that... probably wouldn't end well.

Shave, showver, suit - fuck. Your closet's in the master bedroom, which you loaned to Mary's crew for the night. Looks like you'll have to try breakfast as the first item on the morning list, since you can't get at the others. Might even have to call in late to Bernie.

Because you don't want to wake Mary and the other girls right now. Or deal with an early-morning Ellie. Looks like the Devil you don't know is the best option. Hopefully you don't manage to wake him while you pad by the living room.

Nearly every book that should be on the shelves is stacked around the couch, and the couch is empty. You glance toward the kitchen, and see Lucy flipping through a manual in front of the microwave.

...how fast does that guy read?

"You sleep well?" you ask the Devil, as you roll into the kitchen.

"Better than I have in a couple thousand years," Lucy tells you, "ok, how does this thing work? I chucked in 110, but nothing happened."

"It makes unattached water molecules spin fast enough to produce heat," you say, "or something like that. I prefer a frying pan."

"So it's not gematria," Lucy asks.

"No," you tell him, grabbing some eggs from the refrigerator, "it's nothing like that. It just puts energy into-"

"Huh," Lucy says, a globule of water manifesting in his hand, then dissipating into steam, "spinning this fast - interesting. I assumed something dumb. So how does cooking go these days?"

"Want me to show you?" you ask, grabbing a frying pan.

"No," Lucy says, "I want you to tell me. I won't eat anything a priest prepared. Like I said last night, it's a personal thing."

"Oh come on," you say, "they must have had scrambled eggs back when you you were around. Heat the pan, dump in oil and spices, and fluff the eggs in a bowl with milk or cream."

"Hmm," Lucy says, as he takes instructions on making scrambled eggs from you. And the Devil's doing a decent job.

"So what's the black box?" he asks, gesturing at the microwave while his mess of eggs cooks.

"Told you," you say, "rave party with short EM beams that get the polar molecules dancing. And I'd guess something in my library talked about that."

"So that's how - " he starts, "you know, I'm having a lot of trouble telling science fiction from actual fiction."

"And I'm having a lot of trouble telling legends from history," you tell him, "and you should flip that before it burns."

>Then Sue walks in
>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily
>Could you help me with that?
>Then Madison walks in
>WRITE IN

>>3289916
>>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily

>>3289916
>>Then Madison walks in

>>3289916
>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily

>>3289916
>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily

>>3289916
>Then Madison walks in
>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily

>>3289916
>>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily

>>3289916
>>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily

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>>3289916
"I will flip it before it burns," Lucy says, "I've done this on sun-baked stones. They need a bit more time."

Then you look past Lucy, very intent on the frying pan, to see Melon poke her head into the kitchen, surrounded by a veritable halo of glowing golden hair.

"Bregfahst?" she asks, clinging to the the pillar separating the kitchen from the living room, seeming half asleep.

"Ten minutes," Lucy says without looking up from the stove.

"D'we ged a sheff?" Melon asks you, and any doubts you'd had last night night about her slamming herself with sleeping pills are utterly confirmed. She can't manage a coherent sentence.

You rush over to support her, saying "hey, you ok?"

"'m fahn, dad," Melon tells you, slumping into your arms.

"There are many anesthetics," Lucy shoots at her from the corner of his mouth, his eyes never leaving the frying pan.

"You shmell grheat," Melon murmurs, pressing her face into you, "wanna," she continues, slurring her words awfully, "shhit, yer me dad. Wanna go anyway?"

Ok. whatever she grabbed from the medicine cabinet was probably in good faith. This hangover or still intoxicated shit is far over the fucking line.

>No. You're still out of it
>I'm just going to hold you down on a couch until you figure this the hell out
>Why don't you go back to bed? I'm betting you still feel sleepy
>Breakfast in ten minutes. What do you think Liska'd do if she found you like this?
>Breakfast in ten minutes. Go tell your mother
>WRITE IN

>>3290063
>>No. You're still out of it
>Why don't you go back to bed? I'm betting you still feel sleepy
>I'll save you a plate.

>>3290063
>>No. You're still out of it
>>I'm just going to hold you down on a couch until you figure this the hell out

>>3290063
>>No. You're still out of it
>>Breakfast in ten minutes. Go tell your mother

>>3290063
>No. You're still out of it
>Why don't you go back to bed? I'm betting you still feel sleepy

>>3290063
>No. You're still out of it
>Go sit on the couch before you fall on the floor.

>>3290063
>>Breakfast in ten minutes. What do you think Liska'd do if she found you like this?

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>>3290063
"No," you say, probably less stridently than merited, but managing to get your hands on Melon's shoulders, "you're still out of it. Why don't you go back to bed?"

"whith ya?" Melon asks, slurring the words but otherwise all too quick on the uptake.

"No," you tell her, as you force your daughter to walk backward through the hallway, "by yourself, like you did last night."

"'Dun't remembeh that'," she says with a slack tongue as the two of you manage to walk back into her bedroom, "buht ya shmell amayshin'," she breathes, nuzzling against you.

"I think you're still half asleep, so just get back into bed," you tell you daughter, as her hands - "and what d'ya think you mother'd do if she found you like this?" you say.

Melon staggers back, as if crushed under some sort of supernatural pressure. Then you look at the bunk you spent the night in, and realize how your mother-in-law qualified to be a goddess.

"KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN!" thunders through your mind amidst a flurry of tails, and you only barely manage to keep Melon from hitting the floor.

"Can we please not wreck the house?" you ask, looking up at the many-tailed supernatural atop the bunks. No, looking up at your wife, "can you help her"

"Hey, Melon," Liska says, utterly ignoring you after coming down off of the bunk, "that's your dad."

"Dun cahr," Melon says, after her mother grabs her, "he smehls ahwsaome. I wahnt him!"

You and Liska share a truly awful look of 'not in the books about parenting, was it?'.

"You good for this?" you ask.

"Unless you're going to say she's the younger hotter version of me," Liska fires back with eyes like sniper scopes.

"Hell no," you say, and Melon whines, "I just hope she doesn't remember any of this. Are you coming off?"

"I think so," Liska says after a moment, "you mind letting us have a bit of mother-daughter talk?"

"If you're not violent about it," you say, stepping out of the room.

You can vaguely hear Lucy talking literature with Madison in the kitchen.

>Kitchen. You need breakfast
>Master Suite. You need a suit
>Ellie's guest bedroom. You need to make sure they're cool - and maybe need some advice
>Back into Melon's room. You need to be there for this
>FREEBLES!
>WRITE IN

>>3290322
>>Kitchen. You need breakfast

>>3290322
>Kitchen. You need breakfast
>FREEBLES!

>>3290322
>Kitchen. You need breakfast
CONSUME THE FLESH OF THE FALLEN ANGELS- I mean scrambled eggs and bacon.

>>3290322
>>Kitchen. You need breakfast

>>3290322
>Kitchen. You need breakfast
>FREEBLES!

>>3290322
>>Kitchen. You need breakfast
>FREEBLES!

>>3290322
>>Kitchen. You need breakfast

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>>3290322
You breathe out a large sigh as you head back toward the kitchen. Breakfast is probably what you need to get through the day.

Then you realize what Lucifer's been doing.

"How many omelettes did you make?" you ask the fallen angel.

"I was messing around," he says, with a face like a sheep, "this gas burner stuff - damn, that's incredible!"

"But your opinion on Stevenson is even more ridiculous," Madison says from one end of the peninsula.

Wait, when did she get in here?

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a poignant work on the duality and foibles of the human condition!" Lucy says while flipping one more omelette, then scraping it onto a plate in front of you.

"And don't get me started on Treasure Island or The Beach of Falesa!" Satan continues, before handing you a very good plate, "and yes," he says, leaning toward Madison, "The Brothers Karamazov is probably a full-on better work with more developed characters. That doesn't change the fact that Stevenson is a great author."

You're not quite getting all of this, but the fallen angel can apparently cook. You dig in, and mostly ignore their dialogue until Madison asks: "What about Milton?"

"I confess," Lucy says, turning back to the stove, "I haven't read it. Personal reasons."

"By the way," Madison says, looking at you, "who is this guy?"

>Lucifer
>I just keep scraping up people
>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?
>Lucy, you ok with me telling her?
>WRITE IN

>>3290456
>The Universe's first rebellious teenager

>>3290456
>>Lucy, you ok with me telling her?
if it's ok
>>Lucifer
if not
>>A man of Wealth and Taste

>>3290456
>He can't read Milton for personal Reasons
>We found him out in between dimensions
>He has white hair, is unfamiliar with most modern conveniences and Won't eat anything cooked be a high priest.
>Guess

>>3290456
>>I just keep scraping up people
>>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?

>>3290456
>The Universe's first rebellious teenager
>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?

>>3290456
I wonder if o u r will give people Buffs.

>The Universe's first rebellious teenager
>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?

>>3290580
I meant to say cooking

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>>3290456
"So, you ok with me giving hints?" you ask, and cock a quizzical eyebrow at Lucy. He meets your eyes and give a devil-may-care shrug.

"We rescued with out in the spheres," you tell Madison, "he's got white hair, is still learning some of our modern conveniences, and won't eat anything cooked by a priest - of any religion. Want three guesses?"

Madison turns back toward Lucifer and asks "so is 'Lucy' just a diminutive?"

Even the Devil can't quite hide his smile. She got him on the first try. You'd give a high-five to him the day after, if you were his wingman.

But you're not, and it's breakfast time. And - well, it's less screwy than your own family situation on every side.

"So that's why you didn't go through Milton or Dante," Madison says, "I was wondering why those volumes were still on the shelves after you'd slammed everything else."

"γύναι," Lucy says, "uh, actually, sorry, there's no good equivalent in English that doesn't sound awful, I just chose not to read them. For rather," he says, narrowing his eyes, "obvious reasons."

"Now I want you to read them," Madison says with an unfortunate smirk on her face, "and review them."

"Look," Lucy says, leaning across the counter at her, "I don't think you really want that. You just want," he says, getting back to the stove, "to know if I'm really like that. Really the universe's first rebellious teenager. Sorry," he cuts back at her under his lashes, "I'm about six thousand years too old for all that," then he continues cooking.

"I'm taken," Madison says, extremely levelly, "but I'd like to write the real biography of Satan, The Prince of Darkness, and whatever titles you go by now. I heard you're the 'Mourning Star'."

"By the way," you ask, hoping to defuse things, "how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?"

"I read very quickly," Lucy says, "by the way, I'm doing breakfast for how many people?"

"Fifteen," you say, "or so."

>Why don't you you come by the office with me?
>No, you're a guest - I'm going to cook some of that
>You all have fun - I'm heading out to the office
>WRITE IN

>>3290708
>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?
This is a terrible idea but I can't fucking help it.

>>3290708
>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?

Bernie: "IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?!"

"If your asking me if I really brought Lucifer to work then yes I did Jormungandr. Think of all the legal consultation he could offer us once he's up to date on modern law!"

>>3290708
>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?

I fully support plugging Lucy into our business life. Especially when we are dealing with gods and whatever other "legal" shenanigans they haul in with them.

>>3290708
>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?

>>3290708
>Why don't you you come by the office with me?
>Meet my Gay Dragon boss and help me deal with mortal coin and mortal soul exchanges and all that blech.

>>3290708
"Unless you want to come by the office with me," you finish. The mix in your house is still dangerous as hell, but you don't want Lucifer in it.

...And if Mary's sleeping in this much, you're definitely not getting a suit out of your closet.

"Sounds great," the Devil says, plating one more omelette.

You'd like to kiss Liska goodbye or something, but that bedroom seems like a very dangerous place right now. Hopefully Melon won't remember any of that.

"Hey," you say, putting a hand on Madison's shoulder, "help her keep everything under control, ok?"

"Sure!" the magical girl says, rather too enthusiastically, then asks your wingman "so, do you do you do autographs?"

"What language?" Lucy asks her, then fully turns to face her: "everyone around you is more valuable than a signature I could give. Cultivate them."

"And don't write my history until I bite it," he says, turning away from her and following you down the hallway.

"Watch out for the broken glass," you say as the two of you enter the garage and get into the car, "things got interesting last night."

"Could you hit 'Sympathy for the Devil'?," Lucy asks as he gets settled into his seat.

"Sure," you tell him, as the garage door goes up, "but what'll puzzle them is the nature of our game - why are you coming in with me?"

>You're a new intern
>You're a prospective hire
>You're a prospective client
>WRITE IN

>>3290860
>>You're a new intern

>>3290860
>You're a prospective client

>>3290860
>>Your a prospective legal consultant

>>3290910
+1
Please, I beg of you.

>>3290860
>You're a prospective legal consultant

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>>3290860
"We'll figure it out on the way there," Lucy says.

Then the speakers slam in, as you pull out of the garage.

"PLEASED TO MEET YOU!"

"HOPE YOU GUESSED MY NAME!"

Damn, singing the Stones' crazy paean with the demon it was written for gives a certain frisson.

Somehow Lucy manages to slam the repeat button on you car's stereo.

"WOO! WOO!"

"WOO! WOO!"

...does this guy have the same sort of traffic diverting power D. Onassis showed off?

You wonder about letting Lucy off at the front entrance, but decide that the staff parking garage would be a better idea.

"So we need to make sure we don't show off supernatural power in here," you say, before getting out of the car.

"I won't have to," Lucy tells you, straightening his collar, "this place stinks of the magic of laws."

Wait, what?

"Scalpels in a knife fight," Lucy whispers, "that's how law works. You had some interesting stuff on your shelf."

"Hey!" Frank yells at you, holding the elevator, "get in, man!"

"Oh, and who's this guy?" Frank asks as you scramble in with Lucy.

"Louis Cypher," Lucy says, proffering a business card, "I was brought on for some accounts that might need my services. I'm a dab hand with contracts."

"Some of the stuff I'm dealing with got rough," you say, fixing Frank with your eyes -

>It got rough in the DOJ way
>So much that we had to bring a lawyer onboard
>We're going to court in New York in six months
>Frank, Lucy. Lucy, Frank.
>I'm afraid it's just another of Bernie's whims
>WRITE IN

>>3291036
>>So much so that we had to bring one hell of a lawyer onboard

>>3291036
>>So much so that we had to bring one hell of a lawyer onboard

>>3291036
Also Haiku you disappoint me so much in not posting the song inside the update.

>>3291036
>>So much so that we had to bring one hell of a lawyer onboard

>>3291036
>So much that we had to bring a lawyer onboard

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>>3291036
"So much so that we had to bring one Hell of a lawyer on board," you say.

"Sounds like the 'special accounts' aren't much fun," Frank says.

"You're lucky you're not on them," you say, as the elevator bells ding, and another set of people get on, "it's not a fun life."

"Hey," Lucy says, leaning back in a corner of the elevator and looking at Frank, "I'd recommend either divorcing her or making her love you before she kills you for the insurance money."

Then the door opens for your floor, and you run out with Lucy. Frank's not quite fit enough to chase you.

"What the hell was that?" you ask Lucy as you run down the corridor.

"His honest fears," Lucy says, "where's your office?"

You almost barrel into Bernie's secretary, but manage to not quite bowl her over.

"Bernie wants you in the South Conference Room - now," she says, then whispers "I think he's been up all night."

"Thanks," you tell her, then look back at a grinning Lucifer, "well, here we go. You're a lawyer now - act like one."

"So," Lucy drawls, "double-billing clients for time?"

"Something like that," you whisper to him as you stride down the halls, "we're about to meet Jormungandr. Does THAT mean anything to you?"

"Yes," Lucy says, with a dark look in him eyes, "yes it DOES."

But by that time, your hand is already open the conference room. It's a nice, normal place with one window overlooking the city.

Bernie is chattering on his phone, and Heinrich is - wait. This is the first time you've seen Heinrich on company premises.

"Do take a seat," the knight says.

So you do, with The Devil at your right hand. Bernie looks incredibly irascible as he hangs up the phone.

"Who's this fucker?" Bernie asks, skewering Lucy with his glare.

>He deals in satellite law
>I figured I should start bringing my lawyer to meetings
>Who do you think?
>He's a lawyer well-versed in the areas I'm currently dealing with.
>WRITE IN

>>3291314
>He's an expert whose services I have acquired.
>He already knows about all the shit in general so don't be afraid to talk about particulars.

>>3291314
>>I figured I should start bringing my lawyer to meetings
>>He's a lawyer well-versed in the areas we are currently dealing with.
>>Who do you think?

>>3291314
>>He's a Man Of Wealth And Taste that I met while traveling The Spheres. I'll give you three guesses and two of them don't count.

>>3291314
>He's a lawyer well-versed in the areas I'm currently dealing with.


I love that we've just... taken the literal devil on as a lawyer.

>>3291384
Hey, if your going to have one, why not make sure their the best?

>>3291314
>Accidentally broke him out of a two thousand year imprisonment. I figured you would want to meet him and sort things out with each other.
>Having him as a new lawyer in special accounts or a client seem the two least dangerous options.

>>3291452
Oh and I'd also like to consider setting up an account for Mary after checking up on our policies. I ended up being made her heirophant so I may have to confess a conflict on interest on that file in particular if/when it's up and running.

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>>3291314
"A lawyer who's an expert in what we're dealing with," you tell him, "I take it that we're not doing strictly financial business, since Heinrich's here?"

"Then I can ask you the question I wanted to in front of him?" Bernie asks, as Heinrich gets up and bars the door. This really isn't looking good.

"Of course," you say, "I hope he could be a great addition to the firm."

"Well," Bernie says, leaning back into his chair, "the problem is that I have is question for you: where are the Kings in the Mountains? If someone's going to crash the universe, they should be coming out of the woodwork."

"The kings in the mountains?" you ask.

"Yes," Heinrich says, standing behind Bernie, "if someone is really about to collapse the universe, Arthur, Theseus, Charlemagne, Fionn, St. John, Bernardo Carpio, Kūkai, Merlin, Montezuma, El Cid, and all the rest should be coming out of the woodwork to resist it."

>Maybe they already woke up and are just leading normal lives
>Maybe they need a better alarm clock
>I'm sorry, the great Jormungandr can't deal with it all on his own?
>Maybe that's all bullshit and we need to do it ourselves
>Next you're going to tell me it's the end of the world because Elvis didn't show up
>WRITE IN

>>3291529
>>Maybe that's all bullshit and we need to do it ourselves

>>3291529
>>If you cant feel it coming, how is every other mythical jackoff who's hibernating for the end-times? Or maybe that's all bullshit. Either way we need to do it ourselves

>>3291529
>That's the issue, With the rats everything might very well end up fucked and nobody gets to play there big part in the whole collapse of the universe. Not to say there might be even more things out there fucking shit up and ruining everything.
>Maybe that's all bullshit and we need to do it ourselves

>>3291529
>>Why the fuck are you asking me? In case you forgot, I got into this magical stuff like a month and a half ago, how man I supposed to know why all these dead guys aren't showing up?
>>Ask my lawyer he'd probably know more then me.

>>3291529
>shrug, I guess we're not there yet

>>3291529
>My guess? Sealed somewhere while someone else pretends to be them.

>>3291529
I am told that I have accidentally stopped at least 6 apocalypses within the last month or two. I guess they're a bit fatigued fro all of the "false alarms?"

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>>3291529
"Maybe that's all bullshit," you say, then look Bernie straight in those horribly reptilian eyes, "and we need to do it ourselves. Seems like the rats snuck under everyone's radar."

For once in your life, you get to see Satan himself absolutely dumbstruck.

Then Bernie's phone starts ringing. He chucks it into the middle of the table on speakerphone.

"Oi!" it says, "who in the Hell is this?"

"Jormungandr," Bernie says.

"The Devil," Lucy says, giving Bernie the "who the Hell is this guy?" look.

"A flower of Swabian Chivalry," Heinrich says.

"A concerned father," you chime in.

"Then I'm King Arthur," the voice on the phone says, "standard joke I pull on telemarketers, but you bastards don't sound like that. What are you selling?"

"Where's Merlin?" Lucy suddenly says.

"Ask Nimue," 'Arthur' says, "he's either trapped in an oak or a cave near Glastonbury. How did you bloody bastards get this number?"

Everyone around the table gives a savage grin.

"Mr. Pendragon," Bernie says, "I've kept tabs on you ever since you left Avalon in the forties."

"I thought Churchill and Roosevelt sewed that one up," the voice on the phone says, "Britain's Darkest Hour - and there was nothing I could do but get drafted! It was best for me to fade into obscurity afterward."

"Well," Bernie says, looking at you, "you may have proved your point."

"What point?" the phone says, "where are you bastards?"

"America," Heinrich says, "and we were having a debate about the kings in the mountains. Ok, Benhard, you win," he tells the dragon.

"He was the easiest to find," Bernie says, "'Pendragon' is not a common surname."

"What in the Hell is going on?" the voice from the phone yells, "I swear on every relic in my realm you idiots are worse than Merlin!"

>Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now
>We might need to dig up Merlin
>Excuse me, you're King Arthur? What the hell have you been doing?
>Someone's trying to crash the universe
>Bernie, why the hell do you have Britain's most famous king on speed dial?
>WRITE IN

>>3291788
>>Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now
>>We might need to dig up Merlin

Those other options would just be us being cheeky.

>>3291788
>Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now
>Someone's trying to crash the universe

>>3291788
I've accidentally stopped a dozen apocalypses in the last month and the spheres are due to crash thanks to the rats making an artificial heaven pretty soon. Apparently you and the other kings of the mountain are supposed to be putting a stop to that sort of thing instead.

>>3291788
>>Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now

>>3291788
>>Say Your Majesty, does a Complete Sphere Collapse sounds worse then World War 2 to you, cause it sure does to me, and that's the threat on the horizon now.

>>3291788
Why can't I help but hear King Arthur with a heavy Irish/Celtic/Scottish accent?

>>3291842
It's only natural despite him being Welsh.

>>3291788
>>3291802
+1, may as well cut to the chase.

>>3291788
"A darker hour," you say, "you know anyone else who came out of their mountains?"

"A darker hour?" King Arthur Metal Gears at you, then you hear the unmistakable muffled tones of someone yelling while holding their hand over the mouthpiece of a phone, "Fionn! Charles! Sid! Get in here - there are strange happenings afoot! Remember those quests? YEAH IT'S LIKE THAT! THEY SAY IT'S A DARKER HOUR! NO, IT'S NOT A VIDEO CALL - YOU DON'T NEED TO DO YOUR HAIR!"

There's a rather confused scuffling noise at the other end of the line, and everyone around the table at your end of the call looks around.

Bernie mutes his phone and says "I didn't realize they were sharing an apartment."

That's probably the most shamefaced you've ever seen your boss.

"Does make sense," Heinrich says, "who else would understand them?" then bites back anything else as Arthur pipes back up again:

"Still there?" he asks, "had ta get my roommates in on this - what's the quest? Did the Questing Beast show back up? Is it the Holy Grail again?"

Bernie unmutes his phone.

"No," you say, because everyone seems to be looking at you to say something, "it's rats. Magic rats."

"Cazador de ratas!?" you hear from the other end of the line, "Madre de Dios! No!" "Look, Sid, let's hear him out!" "No! La Hostias!"

The line goes silent - it's been muted at the other end.

...and everyone's looking at you again.

"They're over six feet tall," you say, "and can punch like a brick shithouse!"

Somehow, the phone on the other end get unmuted.

"Six foot tall rats?" a voice asks, "incredible! That sounds like the kind of quests I'd send my knights on! Wish I still had my paladins. Arthur, Cid, let's listen to these guys!"

Heinrich mutters something that's swallowed in the sounds of violence from the other end of the phone.

>Enlist them in an assault on the rats
>Enlist them as backup for when you go in on the rats - protecting the girls
>Ask Heinrich what his deal is
>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions
>WRITE IN

>>3291974
>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions

>>3291974
>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions
As soon as we mention Lucy they might join on their own.

>>3291974
>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions

>>3291974
>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions
Its not a quest thats afoot, its a crusade.

>>3291974
>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions
>They have managed to evade wizards, dragons, demons, fallen angels, actual angels, Youkai, Land deities, the faerie, and pretty much all the pantheons. They have been collecting enough magical energy for who knows how long, are masters of rule magic, shapeshifters, and stealing from the cycle of reincarnation.

>>3291974
>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions
>Ask Heinrich what his deal is

>>3291974
>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions

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>>3291974
Then you give the full story to four men you can can only describe as 'The Kings In The Mountains'. Arthur, Charlemagne, Fionn, and El Cid.

"...and they've managed to evade wizards, dragons, demons, fallen angels, actual angels, Youkai, Land deities, the faerie, and pretty much all the pantheons. They have been collecting enough magical energy for who knows how long, are masters of rule magic, shapeshifters, and stealing from the cycle of reincarnation," you finally finish.

"Putain oui!" Charlemagne says, "we have all fought such! We have all conquered such! I wish you had your knights of the Round Table and my Paladins, Arthur, but we are going to - wait a second, voices on the phone. We are not going to be in the van, are we?"

"No," you say, "you'll play a more important part - we will destroy the rats commanding in their spheres beyond the heavens, while you restrain the rats on earth, to make sure that they don't become feudal lords worse than their kings."

"Hmm," someone on the other end says, "suppressing vassals - is that really our lot?"

"YES!" someone else says, "because we are heroes, not soldiers!"

"What?"

"The strength of a hero is to gather other around us - come on, how many of the knights of the Round Table could Arthur have defeated? How many of my paladins could I have defeated? Our strength is in gathering those who can do what we can't around us!"

"...And you're all living in a small flat in London, paying the rent with part-time jobs," Bernie says.

"Oi'm fuckhin sahrry," Arthur slangs at him, "buht we're from an age when physical might made right. I've been trying to adjust for sixty years! Hasn't worked out, really. So shut yer lizard gibbet and get on with killing the rats! We'll back you up! Naow, Charles, whatabout getting some more paladins?"

Then the line cuts.

>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion
>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?
>I have accounting to do
>I'm taking all my PTO - I have a very large fish to fry.
>Write in

>>3292121
>>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion
>>I'm getting way to used to that.
>>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?

>>3292121
>>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion
>>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?

>>3292121
>>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion
>>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?

>>3292121
>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion
>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?

>>3292136
Supporting

>>3292136
+1

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>>3292121
"I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion," you say, leaning back into the cheap conference room chair.

"You can say that again," Bernie and Heinrich tell you almost in chorus, the Heinrich goes on, "Charlemagne is going to recruit a new set of paladins. Hey, Bernie," he says, looking at the dragon, "mind if I join up?"

"Yes," the dragon says, "I do need you."

"You know what that meant," Heinrich says, "being the very flower of the Holy Roman Empire's chivalry."

"And you said you'd thrown all that away," Bernie tosses back at him as you stand up from your chair.

"Bernie," you say, cutting through the conversation, "are you in or out?"

The conference room should be illuminated by the rising sun, but it's dark as Hell. You know. You've been there.

"Are you threatening me?" the dragon asks you.

"No," you tell him, very honestly, "not in the daytime. But I want to know what side you're on for this one."

"I," Bernie says, chucking his feet up on the conference table, "don't really have a side. As long as the rats do business with me, as long as their... victims do - who cares?"

He's baiting you, He's got to be baiting you.

"I'm getting used to that," you say, "but this one's interesting. The rats may take your monopoly on ending the world. You ok with that?"

That's one of the few times you've actually managed to shut your boss up.

>Co-operate with me
>Eat me, and see it it gets better
>I like this arrangement about as much as you , but I guess we should keep going
>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?
>"In the daytime", hey?
>You're mine, or you die
>Just walk away
>WRITE IN

>>3292378
>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?

>>3292378
>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?
>>Hey Heinrich, remind me to buy you a beer, and get that story about 'being the very flower of the Holy Roman Emprie's Chivalry' later. Sounds like one hell of a story.

>>3292378

>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?
>leave and get some work done. Call your wife when it's lunch time.

>>3292378
>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?

>>3292378
>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?

>>3292378
>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?

>>3292378 #
>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?

I thought this quest was gone for good.

>>3292378
>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?
PLEASED TO MEET YOU, HOPE YOU GUESSED MY NAME!

>>3292378
>>>3292378
>>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?

Bernie's going to get a few offers he can't refuse.

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>>3292378
"Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?" you ask.

The look on Bernie's face is priceless when Lucifer says "אל תפחד!"

"ég óttast þig ekki," the dragon says, "أنا لا أخاف منك أو من الموت!"

"Great," Lucy tells him, "that makes this all easier. But I just had to say it."

"Can we stick to English?" the dragon asks, leaning back, "it's just going to be easier for everyone. And you're a lawyer? I should have guessed."

"More of a prosecutor," Lucy says, "I'm sure you've read my cases."

"I recall you losing most of them," Bernie says, "so," he continues, looking at you, "would you like to explain WHY IN THE HELL Lucifer is sitting beside you?"

"Figured I'd just gather everyone who's supposed to end the world," you say, "actually, we just sort of picked him up like a hitchhiker."

Bernie puts his head in his hands and sighs.

"With you," he says, "I actually believe that's how it happened. Fine. I guess I'm in," he finishes, then punches a few button on the conference phone.

"Hello?" his secretary says after half a ring.

"Frank. To the South Conference Room. Now," Bernie says and hangs up, "well, gentlemen and gentlemen, if I'm in - we're making this a real war, because if it's anything less, we're going to get stomped."

"It's usually better to phrase it as a 'policing action'," Lucy opines from beside you, "'war' is bad for PR."

"They can complain when they're dead," Bernie says, "doesn't matter what you call it - everyone gets burnt in the end."

"You'd know about that," Heinrich says, "are we really...?"

"Oh yes," the dragon says, suddenly standing up, "we are going to war. It's time for World War Three!"

Then there's a knock at the door. This is moving far too fast for you to take it all in.

"Come in," Bernie says, and Frank walks through, still jovially unflappable.

"You needed something?" he says.

"Yes," Bernie tells him, "I believe you understand that we have a number of sensitive accounts," and Frank nods, "I need every piece of information that could realistically be used for blackmail on them, and I need it TONIGHT. Feel free to grab anyone you want from other divisions."

"What the fuck?" Frank asks, then cowers as Bernie flares supernatural pressure at him. You can almost see the horrifying monster behind your boss' face.

"There's been an issue," Bernie says, as the tension ratchets down by degrees, "and we need a little leverage on a lot of people. Shouldn't be too hard to get, given the rather... tangled nature of their businesses."

Lucy's positively grinning, while Frank scrambles to find words.

>Hold the phone - what the Hell are you doing, Bernie?
>Do we need the government, too?
>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people
>Bernie, I think it may be a good idea to start guarding the employees' houses if this is what we're doing
>WRITE IN

>>3295119
>Hold the phone - what the Hell are you doing, Bernie?
>Do we need the government, too?
>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people

>>3295119
>>Do we need the government, too?
>>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people

>>3295119
>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people
>Bernie, I think it may be a good idea to start guarding the employees' houses if this is what we're doing

>>3295173
Supportin

>>3295119
>I'm gonna let Kelly know I may have started world war three. I doubt he wants to deal with a munitions shortage.
>It's probably a good bet to keep him living. I vaguely remember him being run through by Jesus as one of the conditions to making a new heaven and hell. Him dying might be a prerequisite sacrifice the rats need to get their plan done if whatever imposters he has don't count.

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>>3295119
"Frank," you say, "it's just a precaution - we're working with some dangerous people."

"So that's why you brought a lawyer," Frank says, "how dangerous are we talking?"

"I'm going to be providing security forces for all of our employees' houses until this blows over," Bernie says, "and I need our clients on board to fight - it's in their best interests, but they need a bit of prompting."

"Do we need the government, too?" you ask.

"Once everything's in gear," Bernie says, looking at you, "but I except some very high turnover. Your sister's a mover and a shaker."

Frank looks utterly baffled.

"Frank," Bernie says, looking at the luckless man, "frankly, I need enough dirt on every account you're dealing with to get mobs on five continents MOVING. Can you do that?"

Here it is. He should have known-

"Think I can't?" Frank says, "ok, which ones do you need?"

"All of them," Bernie tells him, "we're going hard. This is a preparation - we need them all to fight something even worse."

"What?" Frank asks, showing more spine than you've ever seen through his coat.

"Magic rats," Heinrich deadpans, "Bernie, you're going to give them a target list, right?"

"And one fuckload of demons," the dragon says, then gestures at Frank with a slack hand, "too. You're on special accounts now."

"Look," Frank says, then sees Bernie for what he is, and the wings unfurling from Lucy, "OK," he goes on, "just keep my family safe."

"Oh, take a seat at the table," Bernie says, "Frank, Lucifer. Frank, Heinrich. Frank, the douchebag. Frank, Jormungandr," he finishes, gesturing at himself.

"I'd prefer to stand," Frank says.

Lucy starts laughing, then say "that's why I love you idiots."

"We should have a day," you say, relishing Frank's confusion, "so I guess my next directive is doing the same to all the gods?" you ask Bernie.

"Yes," Bernie says, "and grab Kelly, too. We're going hard."

>And we're going to kill rats
>Is this really necessary?
>I have some wizards to gather
>I hope you know what you're doing
>I guess I'm writing up that document
>WRITE IN

>>3295436
>>And we're going to kill rats
>>I have some wizards to gather
>>I guess I'm writing up that document

>>3295436
>And we're going to kill rats
>I guess I'm writing up that document
>I have some wizards to gather

>>3295436
>And we're going to kill rats
>I guess I'm writing up that document
>I have some wizards to gather

>>3295436
>>And we're going to kill rats
>>I have some wizards to gather
>>I guess I'm writing up that document

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>>3295436
"And we're going to kill rats," you say, as Frank's face gets painted with varying shades of 'excuse me, what the fuck?'

"Guess I'm writing that document," you say, "are we really grabbing every syndicate we do accounting for to wreck the rats?" you ask Bernie.

"Of course," the dragon says, then his phone starts going off, "sorry, I should probably take this," he says, fishing it out of his pocket.

"No."

"Sphere crash - and I'm not doing it."

"Get in the car and buckle the fuck up!"

"It's a goddamn metaphor, not a slip because you hooked me! No, I'm not starting that shit - and I couldn't. I don't have Fenris! I don't KNOW where he went!"

"Sorry about that," Bernie says, sliding his phone back into his pocket, "Frank, all the blackmail. Every last piece of it. We are fighting a war here!"

"I can get your wife back," Lucy says to nobody in particular, "if you do it."

"Sorry I'm late. Good morn...ing?" Reynold says as he barges through the door into the tense atmosphere.

"Just the fucker I needed," you tell him, "call in every favor we have with those gods. Blackmail for every favor we don't have."

"What the Hell is happening?" Frank asks.

"I'm a dragon," Bernie tells him, the pressure rising, "and I told you what to do!"

...judging by Frank's face, he saw the same horrifying maw that you did in that moment. He hares out of the room.

"I've got some wizards to gather," you say, rising from the table, "I guess we're the van?"

"Yes," Bernie says, "and we have to move FAST. Demons and rats are going to crush us if we don't."

>You have a lot of calls to make
>Tell Frank "you get used to it"
>Are we really starting World War Three here?
>We have a day - let's coordinate everyone
>WRITE IN

>>3295545
>>You have a lot of calls to make
>>Tell Frank "you get used to it"
>>We have a day - let's coordinate everyone

>>3295545
>You have a lot of calls to make
>Tell Frank "you get used to it"
>We have a day - let's coordinate everyone

>>3295545
>>You have a lot of calls to make
>>Tell Frank "you get used to it"
>>We have a day - let's coordinate everyone

>>3295545
>You have a lot of calls to make
>Tell Frank "you get used to it"
>We have a day - let's coordinate everyone

>>3295555
Supporting

>>3295545
"We need to coordinate this," you say, "and I think we have most of a day to do it. They're not going to grab a new Round Table in an hour."

"Don't underestimate those guys," Bernie says, "I wouldn't be surprised if Arthur and Charlemagne had a set of knights and Fionn woke the Fianna within three hours. And that's not even counting the other kings in the mountains they might grab. Charles was right - heroes just draw people to them like iron filings to a magnet. By the way, does that sound familiar?"

"Doesn't matter," you say, "I've got some calls to make," and you step out of the conference room.

"Hello," W answers, "do you ha-"

"W," you say, "we're going in hot on the rats. Freebles should help."

Then you cut the line.

"Good morning, Kelly Edwards," a different voice says, "how can I help you get rid of your problems?"

"We're going in hot on the rats," you say, as you walk past cubicles. You hear an oddly confused conversation around him, and hang up.

Always leave them wanting more.

"The fug's going ahn?" James manages to mutter through early-morning malaise.

"Ratcatching," you say, "you in or out?"

"Ahm in, I'm in," he says, "when and where?"

"Probably tonight," you say, "maybe earlier. Coordinate with W and Kelly. We're going to war!"

You cut the call and see Frank by the Waters (well, the Water Cooler) Of Babylon.

"You get used to it," you tell Frank, putting a hand on his shoulder, "if it all works out, you'll get a damn fun story to tell your grandchildren."

"Gods?" Frank asks, "threatening the - those guys?"

"Welcome to the special accounts," you say.

"Man," Frank says, "I'm going to die. the cartels don't take kindly to this sort of thing."

>Well, we'll see about getting you into a good afterlife
>We are fighting a war, Frank. And don't think the government's going to save you - you've seen too much
>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word
>Those guys are going to get wiped out - it won't matter
>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?
>WRITE IN

>>3295731
>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word
>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?
>Don't worry though the goverment is being called in on it as well.

>>3295731
>>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word
>>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?

>>3295731
>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word
>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?
>Our boss is the fuckign world serpent dude.

>>3295731
>>>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word
>>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?

>>3295731
In b4 Frank's last name is Castle
>Frank, we do accounting for gods.It should be a little easier for you than most to try and negotiate the afterlife you want before you die. >You love your wife Frank? A sphere crash is basically the end of everything. Heaven gone, Hell gone, Earth is just far enough away to mean we get every unfathomable monstrosity to ever exist or not exist panicking in mass chaos before we bite it too. If you can't do it for yourself or your boss, then make sure you and the kids don't have to deal with that.Does Frank have kids?

>If you can say you died telling the rats to fuck themselves you might be able to negotiate an upgrade to a luxury suite. Those guys have been robbing them blind so it could count as a favor of some sort?

>>3295833
>You love your wife Frank? A sphere crash is basically the end of everything. Heaven gone, Hell gone, Earth is just far enough away to mean we get every unfathomable monstrosity to ever exist or not exist panicking in mass chaos before we bite it too. If you can't do it for yourself or your boss, then make sure your wife and the kids don't have to deal with that.Does Frank have kids?

Gah Typo.

>>3295731
"I'm not going to ask about the accounts you've been dealing with," you say, wondering what the grand dragon's been putting Frank on, "but I'll tell you two things."

"These had better be two really good things!" Frank says.

"Frank," you tell him, "we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers? Or cocksuckers with shotguns and ARs? You think they're going to be able to get in on you past a fucking Minotaur?"

"And if you do bite it," you say, "ask for 'Ellie' when you get to Hell. Tell her I sent you. Things might go a bit better after that."

"What's going on here?" Frank asks, "no, really, what the fuck is happening?"

"Welcome to the Special Accounts," you say, "I hope you don't enjoy your stay. If you do, there's something wrong with you," and you drop your voice to whisper, pulling Frank toward you, "every legend you've ever heard is real," you whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry. But some of them will help you out."

Frank staggers back.

Then you realize why the first thing every angel says is "DO NOT FEAR" or "אל תפחד".

Frank's kneeling in front of you - hell, did you accidentally flare your borrowed supernatural power?

"We are about to fight a war for the universe, Frank," you say, "and I want you and yours to come out on the other side."

"What the fuck are you?" Frank asks.

>A concerned father
>A man who needs to call his wife
>At this point, I'm not sure. But I'm scarier than any of your accounts
>I'm an accountant
>WRITE IN

>>3295862
>>A concerned father who needs to call his wife.

>>3295862
>>A concerned father who needs to call his wife.

>>3295862
>a concerned father that needs to call his wife


OH NO WE'RE SPEAKING AND THINKING IN THE FIRST TONGUE

>>3295862
I'm your coworker. What's with the kneeling? I'm gonna call my wife and let her know that WWIII is about to start.
And tell your daughters to not make any deals with anything until after this is over incase the rats try to use them as a hostage. If you saw the crap they tricked girls into signing contracts for you'd be just as paranoid as I'm being right now.

That cocksuckers with shotguns thing was kinda dumb considering we're an old dude with a shotgun and we've taken out several apocalypses. A random dude/everyman warrior from nowhere turning out to be unstoppable is pretty standard and it could easily be some random guy from MS13.

>>3295923
you forget we had a rat in our pocket handing us magical buckshot to put the smackdown on everything we have come across. I'm pretty sure a regular dude with a shotgun would at best tickle half the people we interact with on a daily basis.

>>3295862
>I'm only human. A Concerned Father who needs to call his wife to check on his daughter.

>>3295862
>A concerned father who needs to call his wife.

>>3295949
The most popular humans and gods are commonly tricksters. It's not the shotgun that's the danger. It's the person holding it and mankind in general likes to be clever when you least expect it. Their profession is almost entirely separate from who they are or thier potential. I'd also argue that anyone that survives supernatural aztec-mexican drug cartel wars for long enough might be decently skilled. Kelly only knows how to stop time for a few seconds and he murders supernatural threats by the truckload.

>>3295862
>A man who needs to call his wife

>>3295862
>I'm God's chosen high priest.

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>>3295862
"A concerned father who needs to call his wife," you say, "and I'm sorry about flattening you."

"No," Frank says, half-collapsed against the wall, "where do I sign up?"

"Man," you say, extending a hand to help Frank up, "I'm just your co-worker. Things happened to happen, but I'm no different that the guy you interviewed."

"You know," Frank says, taking you hand and standing up, "I actually advised Bernie not to hire you."

"Guess the dragon thinks in mysterious ways," you tell him, "and yes, our boss is literally a dragon. That's not just a weird feeling you get off him."

"I was wondering about that," Frank says, "so you're just a normal guy?"

"Yeah," you tell him, "it's not like I'm an Operating Thetan or anything that crazy. I really need to call my wife, though. She's going to be mad as hell if we go start World War Three without her."

"So I guess it's blackmail time," Frank says, "and if you think you're anywhere near normal, I'm not sure what 'normal' is."

"None of us are," you mutter as he turns away.

Then you jack your cellphone out as you walk toward your office, and make the last call.

"Mhmm?" Liska breathes into the microphone.

>We're starting World War Three. Sorry
>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hard
>How would you like killing a shitload of rats?
>How're thing at the house?
>WRITE IN

>>3296062
>>How would you like killing a shitload of rats?

>>3295949
And you think the rats wouldn't do the same with some cholo to counter us?

>>3296062

>We're starting World War Three. Sorry
>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hard
>How would you like killing a shitload of rats?
>How're thing at the house? Or all of the above

>>3296062

>We're starting World War Three. Sorry
Could you talk woth your side of thr fimaly and get them into it

>>3296087
Or some cholo won't have a grandma with magical powers that gave him a good luck charm?
King Arthur was apparently working a random part time job in England. Don't underestimate random dudes.

>>3296062
>>How're thing at the house?
>>By the way, we're starting World War Three. Sorry

>>3296062
Tell her to go to the living room and put us on the speaker.

>>3296062
Did we just grow angel wings?

>>3296062
>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hard

GUESS REMEMBER, WE CAN'T SA IT OVER THE PHONE. THEY MIGHT STILL BE LISTENING.

>>3296062
>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hard
>How're thing at the house?

>>3296142
Good point.

>>3296062
>Sphere crashes are apparently bigger deals than I thought. Make sure everyone is as prepared as they can get. I don't want to think that what happened to your brother can still happen, but get prepared anyway.

>Call Supafly to let him know to stop by after work. We gotta give him a heads up since he's high on the list of most likely to get fucked by a world war by his superiors.

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>>3296062
"We're starting World War Three," you say, "I'm sorry."

That's probably the most silence you've ever been able to get out of Liska, particularly when not in bed.

All you can hear is her breathing, as you tread the hallways.

"Why?" Liska finally asks, as you make back into your office.

"How do you feel about killing a shitload of rats?" you ask, "because Bernie's onboard, and he's going hard. I couldn't really stop him."

At least that gets a barking laugh.

"I thought, ok, that's what you meant," Liska says, "oh. Yeah, I'm in!"

"What about your family?" you ask, opening the door to your office.

"Hey Haru!" you can hear her yell through a muffled microphone, "Haru! Ellie! you're going to want to hear this! Is Mary up yet?"

There's a good bit of confused scuffling on the other end of the line.

"Lemme conference in Sachio," Liska says, as you collapse into your office's chair. Reynold is still going through files at a horrifying pace.

" 恐れいります," you hear in a feminine voice after a few rings, and Liska launches in with a veritable buffet of Japanese you can't understand.

It's too early in the morning for all of this.

How many languages have people hit you with today?

Then someone seems to grab the other end of the line, and finally gives a "look, you'd better have a goddamn good reason to call me right now, sister," in Sachio's unmistakable tones.

"We're on a conference call, Sachio," Liska says, "my husband said he's declaring World War Three against the rats. You in?"

"And who's that chick who answered first?" Haru asks, which is when you realize Liska's got this on speakerphone in your house.

...you don't understand any of the crazy words that start flying after that.

Probably best.

"You said something about World War Three, I hear," Ellie slashes across the other conversation. And you could hug her for it.

>We need assistance with the rats still on earth
>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral
>So you got a secretary, Sachio?
>So is Mary up yet?
>Yo, Hamasaki. Isn't it 1AM there?
>WRITE IN

>>3296258
>>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral

>>3296258
>>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral

>>3296258
>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral
>Yo, Hamasaki. Isn't it 1AM there?

>>3296258
>We need assistance with the rats still on earth
>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral

>>3296258
King Arthur has agreed to help. Charlemagne is getting his Knights. And two other people who I can't remember are getting it done. We'll talk after work for The Invasion group.

>>3296292
Oh and Bernie is blackmailing gods.

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>>3296258
"We're going to war against the rats," you say, "and I wanted to know if we could count on you to clean house over there."

"I've never eaten one before," Sachio says, "but I'm damn interested in what they taste like."

"If you're into raw meat," Freebles says from Liska's side of the call, "they're awesome. Trust me - I know."

"Yeah," you say, "he's eaten at least two of them. And we may get some demons as collateral, Ellie. King fucking Arthur, Charlemagne, Fionn, and El Cid are in the ring, and I don't have a clue who they might recruit or wake up."

"So it's zero hour?" Ellie asks, suddenly very serious.

"We said we'd give it a day for everyone to get things together," you say.

"BUTLER!" Ellie yells, "we're going back in! Grab Rob if he's good to go! Call up the legions! Haru, we're going to continue the tour."

You hear an awful growl, and Sachio starts slanging away in Japanese, answered by barking pastiches of his own points. You think.

...you probably should have expected that.

>Don't die, Ellie. Don't let anyone else die
>I have problems with this
>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?
>I may need to go home early today
>It's 1AM there!
>WRITE IN

>>3296327

>Don't die, Ellie. Please.
>I have problems with this. But I don't see a better solution.
>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?

>>3296327
>>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?
>>Don't die, Ellie. Don't let anyone else die

>>3296327
>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?
>Kill them before they kill you, Ellie.

>>3296327
>Kill them before they kill you, Ellie.

>>3296382
Supporting

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>>3296327
"Ellie," you say, thinking as hard as you can about your sister. What can you say?

"What?" she asks.

"I'd ask you to try not to die," you say, then pause, "but I'll just say - KILL THEM ALL BEFORE THEY KILL YOU!"

You're rewarded with a laugh. It starts as a demonic cackle, then shades into the sort of laugh you remember her giving back when you were kids.

"He really is your brother," someone growls into the phone, then you hear a series of yelps, and finally "ok, Liska, you want to go? The ears are PERSONAL!"

"Can you guys not wreck my house?" you yell.

"They're having some fun in the backyard," Ellie says, "our kind of fun."

You sigh.

"Sachio," you say.

"Yes," the youkai tells you, "that's always been a thing with them."

"No," you tell him, "we have bigger fish to fry - did you do your number on Japan's government? And where's John?"

"He's buttering up the Diet," Sachio says, "Reiya, you want to tell him?"

"We are bringing back the gods of the earth," the shrine maiden says, "do you know about their struggle with the gods of the heavens?"

"Not really," you say.

"I am very biased," Reiya says, "but there were gods that walked among us, who taught us things, and gods that stayed in the heavens, but decided they should rule over all under heaven anyway. Even thought they had done nothing to improve the earth. And then there was a war. One - 'Hell Of A War', as you would put it. The gods of heaven won. But we are the people of earth! We raise our fists at them, unless they come down and help us."

"I don't have a dog in that fight," you say.

"But, brother," Sachio says, "you've got three foxes in it."

You don't really have a comeback for that.

"So that's what we're doing," Sachio says, "bringing them back. We can - will kill rats, but we're dealing with a much larger fish. And should they come down from the skies, we'll kill them."

>You do you
>Wait, you guys are actually going to fight gods?
>Why is Hamasaki with you at 1AM?
>I think the rats are a more immediate threat. And what if the gods rip your arm off?
>WRITE IN

>>3296460
>write in
Look currently the rats are a bigger problem right now because they want to destroy our world. We can deal with your Heaven Gods later. I'll promise I'll do something with you.

>>3296460
>I think the rats are a more immediate threat.
>Unless the heavens are in with them, but i really doubt it.

>>3296460
>>You do you, but be ready for shit to hit the fan.

I'm out for the night.

Twitter (for runtimes): https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge
Archive (for 'how in the hell did we get here?'): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Shotgun
Character/notes sheet (recently updated, but inaccurate): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnv

Hamasaki Reiya's actually talking about a struggle between two sets of gods in Japanese mythology, and the story of why it happened differs depending on who tells it. The one thing almost everyone agrees on is that Takeminakata (an 'earth' god) got his arm ripped off by Takemikazuchi (a 'heaven' god) during their fight. This is a very broad hint about the geographical location of Sachio's seat, since the 'earth god' shrines celebrate certain days or months quite differently than the other shrines. It made sense to me that Hamasaki would be decidedly on the side of the 'earth gods', since she's wrapped up in the idea of gods that live with their people. Some say that the 'heaven/sky gods' triumphing over the 'earth gods' is a metaphor for the formation and ascendance of the Japanese Imperial court, since they claim to be descended from the 'heaven/sky' gods.

>>3296460
>I figured a full sphere crash meant more but those idiots had better not try getting in anyone's way. I see they clearly didn't learn anything from the first time Son Wukong kicked their asses. I'll try to solve my end and then we deal with your taxation without representation problems. I do so happen to work for a god killing dragon that's about to go on a warpath so I'll let him know they should be currently labeled hostile if he decides to personally go up the spheres. Probably not the best idea to be making a call about that on a phone system that uses satellites to transmit info if any of the heaven gods are actually technologically literate.
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*Something is fucking wonky because I clearly can't separate paragraphs now. I thought I was just forgetting to edit before but now I'm certain 4chan is just mashing everything together.
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That's actually semi interesting due to the general cultural idea that the earth can never defeat heaven. This precept being so prevalent is why Suwako is below Kanako despite Suwako clearly being a superior goddess doing most (all) of the work once you look at the situation.

>>3296562
>Takemikazuchi
Ohh intereting. A wikipedia glance shows he's connected with killing a star god during that and said Star is Venus. Venus is connected to Lucifer due to it being the brightest "Star" in the sky. Ergo this fucker is probably on Lucy's hitlist.

Didn't Harriet mention a world War three in one of the timelines?

>>3296597
I am so FUCKING hyped that there is no tomorrow.

>>3296460
>>I think the rats are a more immediate threat. And what if the gods rip your arm off?

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>>3296460
"Are we swapping fishing stories?" you ask, "because I hooked Lucifer last night, by accident. And got the goddess I was fishing for, too. I figured a full sphere crash and the rats were a bigger fish than your island frying pan."

"Back up a second," Sachio says, "you did what last night?"

"Grabbed Lucifer and Mary out of the spheres, basically," you say, "and to anyone monitoring this line - Lucy's coming for your head or your boss' heads, no matter how many they have. I broke him out."

They did say demons run the government. You've also heard the government's wiretapping everyone for kicks, and if Superfly's intrusion is any indication, you know they've got your number.

"You know," Sachio says, "I hate that I have to believe that. So - let me guess - we're supposed to suppress any local rats while you go kneecap their boss?"

"Do you think you can't?" you ask.

"It's 1AM here," Sachio says, "I hear that's when magical girls go hunting. How many rats do you think we can get out the woodwork if I lead the Hyakki Yagyō out right now?"

"The whatnow?" you ask.

"The Night Parade of One Hundred Demons," Reiya says, "I think that is the translation."

"And it's not going to just be a hundred," Sachio says, "we've been making alliances, and you're calling out the swords. John's going to give me an endless amount of shit for pulling this, but it sounds like a lot of fun. So we're going to parade. The magical girls and their rats will come out to stop us, then we'll grab the rats. We're going to need someone to bind them, though," you says in a half-muffled voice, like he turned away from the phone.

You hear some chittering in Japanese.

>It's almost like you read my mind
>I take it this has nothing to do with the opportunity you'll have in the confusion?
>Wait a second on pulling that trigger - we're going in tonight, not right now. We're gathering our forces
>Do you need wizards or something?
>WRITE IN