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>>5771739
Hope you’ve worked up an appetite! Welcome back to SLICE QUEST! Take a look at our menu before you order:

Archive Link to catch up with the story!
>https://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Slice%20Quest

Twitter account for updates!
>https://twitter.com/DemBonez3

A HANDY PASTEBIN for INVENTORY, SKILLS, and MORE:
>https://pastebin.com/RuZL1Xgh

IMGUR Page for all of the shitty art thus far… and DECENT FANART! We love to see it!
>https://imgur.com/a/pR0KEF5

Rolls are handled by a 1d100--I take the BEST OF THREE ROLLS! Certain boosts and maluses will be applied based on the situation and existing skills! Describing your actions, write-ins, FANART and GENERAL CREATIVITY are all APPRECIATED AND REWARDED--we like to keep things LIGHT and CHILL here, so come on in and have some fun! OR ELSE!

DISCLAIMER: ASSUME ALL CHARACTERS ARE 18+! EVERYONE GOT HELD BACK, I DUNNO!

>CONTD.

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>>5771740
The sickly-sweet odor of MAPLE SYRUP stings your eyes as you and your friends take a few cautious steps into the misty, cavernous portal chamber–the colossal metal door you entered from slamming shut behind you with a grim CLANG!

“You…” Mutters Raj as he keeps his FIRE AX raised and ready as he struggles to peer through the sugary mist dancing around you, “You don’t think she dipped, do ya?”

You hate to say it, but it’s what you would do if you heard DIESEL CRASH was coming! Warily examining the glowing arch dominating the football field-sized test chamber, however, you begrudgingly accept the possibility as Raj’s words sink in… It’s definitely possible…

“More than possible, chief.” Adds Pepper as her remaining hand white-knuckles her SAWN-OFF SHOTGUN close to her chest, “She doesn’t strike me as one of those honorable, ‘stand and fight’ types…”

“Quiet down…” Growls Chuck as he squints towards the ceiling with his HUNTING RIFLE ready to pick off some uppity scientists, “We ain’t alone…”

Part of you wants to ask the old man how he can be so sure, but you know better by now than to questio-

“How can you be so sure??”

Damn it, Pepper…

Before he can answer, you feel a change in the lab’s atmosphere–like a colossal hawk just dove for a kill! The sensation barely has time to sink in before you spot a massive shape rushing to greet you from beyond the fog!

THERE!

>ROLL ME 1d100+2 (+5 SPEED BONUS, -3 MISTY AND DARK!) TO DODGE! BEST OF 3! Welcome back, by the way–missed you all!

Rolled 45 + 2 (1d100 + 2)

>>5771744

Rolled 53 + 2 (1d100 + 2)

>>5771744
Welcome back, QM!

Rolled 12 + 2 (1d100 + 2)

>>5771744
Fuck me, I've had enough of giant birds from TWQ

>>5771748
>>5771765
>>5771804
>HIGHEST ROLL: 55!
Yow! Just made it! Writing!
>>5771804
Note to self: add more horrible giant birds...

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You manage to roll away just in time to avoid being MULCHED by a gargantuan translucent yellow sphere with an engine half its size attached to the back! Spinning mid-tumble to meet your would-be crusher, a mixture of irritation and relief washes over you as you recognize the orb’s passenger!

Mere hours ago she was just a nonchalant, coffee-swigging, if not somewhat grumpy, nurse… an employee on-loan from HAUSER PHARMACEUTICALS given the unenviable task of making sure none of the partygoers OD’d or broke their necks trying to show off around the pool… but now you know better.

A cheeky and yet menacing grin forms on the scientist’s pale face as she leers at you from behind her glowing red lab goggles. Taking a sip from a fresh mug of coffee, PROFESSOR RIVKA BERTRUGER regards you like a cat staring at a goldfish in a bowl…

“Hiya~”

“Wait a sec, are those-”

It takes you a moment to realize Pepper isn’t referring to Rivka’s boots--behind the orb’s sickly yellow tint you realize that the chair the repugnant researcher is reclining in is anything but--a trio of LAB TECHS with swollen muscles and torn lab attire wordlessly hold the grinning girl aloft using their own arms and backs to simulate a seat! Though their faces are obscured by sturdy-looking WELDING MASKS not unlike the ones the slashers wear, you can easily see the networks of thin purple threads laced underneath their skin…

Servants.

“Impressive, is it not?” Chirps Rivka as the orb bobs in the air as if lifted by invisible strings, “I was inspired by those Holographic Projectors you’re so intent on destroying–you see, the orb’s surface is-”

Ever pragmatic, Chuck cuts to the chase and opens fire on the sphere’s surface! As the rifle bullets bounce off with a series of harmless ‘plinks’, Rivka snaps her fingers at one of her… ‘assistants’.

“Useless, my dear, destroy this orb, would you?”

Useless responds almost immediately. Bringing one of his bulging arms behind him, the thrall delivers a flurry of blows to the inside of the orb! Though it shakes a bit from the sudden onslaught, the vehicle’s interior holds firm!

>CONTD.

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>>5771840
“That will do, Useless.” Rivka chuckles as she calls him back with another snap! “It may come as a surprise to you all, but extradimensional research tends to carry quite a bit of risk to it–you never really know what will come stomping, slithering, or shambling through that nasty gate over there!”

As one of her other servants squeezes a generous helping of MAPLE SYRUP into her steaming mug of coffee, Rivka retrieves an unassuming-looking REMOTE from within her lab coat and wags it at you!

“So much so, in fact, that this chamber is equipped with scores of emitters designed to generate and blanket the room with DEADLY PARTICLES… I haven’t bothered to classify them yet, but maybe if you grovel a bit I’ll name a few after you! A fitting memorial, don’t you agree?”

You respond by taking a confident step closer to her ride. Then what’s stopping her from using ‘em, huh? She seemed pretty upset a few minutes ago when yet another one of her dumb traps didn’t work out! Rivka responds with a derisive laugh!

“You… you believed you had rattled me? Diesel, my dear, I’m a SCIENTIST!” She croons as a servant pours some of the coffee into her open mouth, “Mmm, delicious! Listen closely, now–you might learn something: I don’t blame a lab rat for not reaching the cheese… I don’t blame a chemical for splashing onto my lab coat… and I certainly couldn’t be phased any less by a pack of knuckle-dragging simpletons such as yourselves stumbling through my… tests...”

Her smile fades as she leans a little closer to you.

“Your antics at the POWER STATION may have slowed them down a bit, but make no mistake: I’ve WON. The MATTER DISPLACEMENT DEVICE is fully charged and at my full command. Your escape route is blocked. My defenses are impregnable and yours are… well… rather lacking.”

Oh whoops, there goes her smile again! It’s back!

“And while you may have rid yourself of my gifts, I am a benevolent goddess… simply lay down your torches and pitchforks and submit to my will–if you REALLY convince me I might just deem you worthy enough to sleep at the foot of my bed! You’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you?”

“No dice, bitch!” Snarls Pepper as she blasts the orb with her SAWN-OFF SHOTGUN! “Everything you’ve tried tonight has failed… and this is gonna end the same way, right Diesel?”

Rivka responds to Pepper’s boast with a withering, if not somewhat tired, glare.

“... she, on the other hand, will require some alterations… maybe I’ll replace her vocal cords with a rubber duck.”

Rivka seems pretty confident, but you’ve seen that blow up in people’s faces plenty of times! What do?
>ASK ABOUT HER SERVANTS!
>QUESTION HER ABOUT HER ORB!
>TRY TO LOCATE SOME OF THOSE EMITTERS!
>ASK ABOUT THE PORTAL!
>MESS WITH THE TELEPORTATION GATE!
>JUST ATTACK!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5771843
>TRY TO LOCATE SOME OF THOSE EMITTERS!

>>5771843
>>TRY TO LOCATE SOME OF THOSE EMITTERS!

>>5771843
>TRY TO LOCATE SOME OF THOSE EMITTERS!
>SEND RAJ AND PEPPER TO HANDLE THE GATE!

>>5771849
>>5771850
>>5771866
>LOCATE THE EMITTERS!

>>5771866
>SEND PEPPER AND RAJ TO DEAL WITH THE GATE!

Gonna forego the second vote for now since A) it only got one vote and B) it miiiight trigger some hostility, but don't worry--I'll letcha revisit it depending on how things go!

Also for newcomers, lurkers, etc, you've got 4 people total in the team right now, so feel free to split their actions!

Speaking of actions,
>ROLL ME 4d100 TO FIND THESE PARTICLE EMITTERS! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>DIESEL: -3(-3 MISTY AND DARK!)
>PEPPER: +2 (+5 SNOOPIN'! -3 MISTY AND DARK!)
>RAJ: +2 (+5 COOL CUSTOMER, -3 MISTY AND DARK)
>CHUCK: -2(-2 MISTY AND DARK... BUT KEEN EYES!)

Rolled 5, 87, 91, 31 = 214 (4d100)

>>5771914

Rolled 23, 51, 69, 6 = 149 (4d100)

>>5771914
Do what you do best, Pepper.

Rolled 80, 84, 67, 5 = 236 (4d100)

>>5771914

>>5771917
>>5771975
>>5772009
THE ROLLS:
>DIESEL: 77!
>PEPPER: 89!
>RAJ: 93!
>CHUCK: 29! LOL OLD MAN

Writing!

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As Rivka ponders what to do about Pepper, you ponder what to do about your situation–as loath as you are to admit it, the sinister scientist is right! She’s got the home team advantage here!

As you just proved earlier, though, you’re totally capable of dodging Rivka’s stupid flying orb thing–but you doubt you’ll be able to outrun particles! Physics might not have been your strong suit in school, but you definitely remember Mr. McKelvy droning about energy particles moving like tiny, invisible bullets–that was a pretty cool analogy!

In another stunning display of TEAMWORK, you and the others seem to be doing the same thing–scanning the austere lab walls for any signs of where the PARTICLE EMITTERS will emerge from… yep, Pepper’s got that glimmer in her eyes! Following her gaze, you spot what she spots almost immediately: as nondescript as the walls are, no doubt to make it easier to remove stains, scorch marks, and viscera, you can just barely make out several square indentations in the walls–well over TWENTY, in fact!

Rivka wasn’t kidding–they’re definitely equipped to get rid of any uninvited guests in here… like you.

But you learn two things as you, Raj, and Pepper all mentally note the emitter locations–well, you and Pepper, at least… who knows what Raj is pondering. Firstly, you and your pals could potentially blast ‘em all… if you each picked a section of the walls, at least. It’d be a small window, but if what Rivka says is true, well… having your fishy pal Foamy tear up those cables might’ve bought you some time!

More importantly, however, the scientist must feel safe inside that orb of hers–that means if you can pop her out of there…

>CONTD.

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>>5772105
“Right, enough games,” The scientist in question concludes with a decisive clap of her gloved hands, “I’ve got far more important matters to attend to than waiting for you to kiss my boots–’THEM ALL’ won’t be ‘SHOWN’ on their own, y’know!”

With a flick of a button on her REMOTE, the scientist lets loose with a malevolent giggle as the PORTAL flickers and ripples with otherworldly energy! Hey, you snap, what happened to getting ‘PARTICLE’D!?

“As per usual, I came up with a MUCH BETTER idea!” Rivka chirps as her orb floats away from the portal, “I can’t play with you all if you’re VAPORIZED, so allow me to proudly commence MATTER DISPLACEMENT LAB EXPERIMENT #336: A combat test between a group of highly-armed and very pesky humans versus…”

The girl catches herself and smirks.

“Well… I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise! Don’t worry–I won’t just revive you after the trial, I’ll make you all better!”

The portal’s ripples grow violent like a stormy sea as the chamber is bathed in a shower of flashing lights and patterns! Sipping from her mug as the lab shakes beneath your feet, Rivka gives you a playful wink as something emerges from the gate!

>ROLL ME1d1000, yep, 1d1000! LET’S SEE WHAT’S ON THE MENU!

Rolled 678 (1d1000)

>>5772109
inb4 we roll a 1 on a d1000

Rolled 797 (1d1000)

>>5772109

Rolled 526 (1d1000)

>>5772109

>>5772112
>>5772114
>>5772121
Well aren't YOU lucky!

>>5772112
Rolled my favorite visitor! Writing!

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A faint sound reaches into your ears and gives them a tickle long before Rivka’s surprise guest comes through the portal… a faint tingling at first, like the jingle of the triangle you got stuck with in music class…

And then you hear horns. And strings.

Before you can register what’s happening, the tingle grows into a full orchestral piece–nothing booming or boisterous like those classical songs, mind, but one of those happy-go-lucky background tunes right out of one of those…

Oh no.

Oh NO.

“What the FUUUUCKKK, BRO!” Sputters Raj in a rare case of un-COOL CUSTOMERITUDE, “W-WHAT IS THAT?!”

“N-no…” Adds Chuck with pinprick pupils and a mortified look on his face, “No…”

“Oh YES!” Croons Rivka as one of her slaves tops off her mug with some more maple syrup, “Hauser didn’t see the appeal when his lab drones discovered this particular dimension, but I on the other hand have always found beauty in brutality…”

The lights around the chamber fade as a gloved hand twice your size pokes through the portal and uses the gate as a handhold! As the scientist continues to cackle above you, you share an uncertain glance with the rest of your pals before taking a few cautious steps backwards!

It’s only after the glove’s owner pops his grinning, whiskered face through the gate that you realize what’s happening: the lights aren’t fading…

They’re losing COLOR!

Emerging from the gate like a shark fin from the water comes what has to be a twenty-no, twenty-FIVE foot CARTOON CAT! Smiling at you with cold, impassive, quarter-moon eyes, the dimensional traveler pulls his two-buttoned pants higher up around his skinny waist before striding fully into the chamber… with a truck-sized MALLET resting across his shoulders!

Bouncing up and down to the rhythm of the old-fashioned tune currently boring holes into your ear drums, the cat’s grimace somehow manages to spread even further across his face…

With that, he hefts the mallet above his head–the tool nearly scraping the ceiling–before he takes a silent, but determined step in your direction!

WHAT DO!? REMEMBER, YOU’VE GOT FOUR PEOPLE!
>IT’S A LANKY CAT THING–JUST BLAST IT!
>GET UP CLOSE AND STRIKE! SEE HOW DURABLE THIS CARTOON IS!
>TRY TO DESTROY THE MALLET FIRST!
>BAIT HIM INTO ATTACKING RIVKA!
>FOCUS ON THE EMITTERS!
>DESTROY THE PORTAL! NO MORE PALS!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5772132
Diesel and Chuck:
>BAIT HIM INTO ATTACKING RIVKA!
Raj and Pepper:
>FOCUS ON THE EMITTERS!

>>5772132
Diesel and Chuck:
>BAIT HIM INTO ATTACKING RIVKA!
Raj and Pepper:
>FOCUS ON THE EMITTERS!

>>5772135
>>5772143
>DIESEL/CHUCK: BAIT AND SMASH!
>RAJ AND PEPPERONI: OMIT THE EMIT!
Here goes something!
>ROLL ME 4d100 TO SPLIT THE PARTY! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>DIESEL: +8(+5 SPEED BONUS, +10 COMBAT BONUS, -4 GIANT CAT WITH A MALLET, -3 RIVKA'S WATCHING...)
>CHUCK: -2(+5 MILITARY TRAINING, -4 GIANT CAT WITH A MALLET, -3 RIVKA'S WATCHING)
>RAJ: +2(+5 COOL CUSTOMER, -3 LOTS)
>PEPPER: +2(+5 NO-LONGER DUBIOUS FIREARMS ABILITY, -3 LOTS)

Feel free to write-in some ways for how you plan on baiting the KOT too! Write-Ins = Bonuses!

Rolled 77, 6, 8, 29 = 120 (4d100)

>>5772210
who left the ink machine running

Say, how high up is the Rivbobble? Can we reach it?

Rolled 61, 28, 94, 99 = 282 (4d100)

>>5772210

>>5772253
>How high
About 12 feet--you could probably try to hop up if you leapt off of a wall or something, but the orbmobile doesn't have a lot of handholds!

>>5772255
It's a smooth surface - that's why we have a PLUNGER! Suction cup go!

>>5772256
Fuck yea, you're getting a BONUS for that, my friend. +5 for SUCTION

Rolled 82, 28, 42, 48 = 200 (4d100)

>>5772210
The plunger: a tool that’s far more than meets the eye.

>>5772257
Anyway, the full plan here is to basically attach ourselves to the Rorb so if it swings at us, it's going to clobber the orb instead

>>5772260
Good plan. It doesn’t necessarily have to even get through the orb. That much blunt trauma will toss Rivka and her slaves around inside, and might damage components by sheer shock. Like how tanks can be damaged by high-explosive shells even if it doesn’t actually penetrate the armor.

>>5772257
>>5772260
BRILLIANT! Seconded for finally finding a use for that sucker pun intended

>>5772210
I'd like to add the plunger to >>5772135 (my mobile vote earlier)

>>5772253
>>5772254
>>5772259
Won't help poor Chuck with these rolls, though.

Good shit, all! Good shit inDEED! Gonna write this up SUNDAY AROUND 10-11AM though--already feeling drowsy. Glad to see you've still got those sweet ideas! Seeya then!

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If tonight hadn’t already showered you with a rainbow of fucked-up stuff you might’ve been paralysed in fear right now… but where where horror fails, inspiration succeeds! Darting out of the way of the van-sized mallet just in time, you nearly tumble when the impact sends spider webs of cracks through the chamber floor! Isn’t this high-tech metal crap supposed to be STRONG!?

You don’t get an answer, not that you needed one. Cats have never really liked you, especially TIGRE, the old tabby that makes its home on PIZZA MIND’S windowsill that Emilio likes to feed table scraps and Limoncello, but this one seems dead-set on getting rid of you! Scrambling after you with a cartoony, but unsettlingly speedy gait, the cat takes another swing, but it goes wide! As the mallet smashes into the wall with the same results as last time, you, Pepper, and Raj share a look when you all notice the mechanical innards of what can only be one of those EMITTERS Rivka was mentioning sticking out!

“Looking for a mouse hole to crawl into? A giant rake he can step on, perhaps?!” Sneers the scientist as she bobs just out of reach in her stupid orb thing, “Do yourselves a favor and get CRUSHED already!”

Not happening, bitch! Unloading a few shotgun shells into the cartoon, you abandon the endeavor when it sticks its gloved thumb into its mouth and blows causing the shrapnel to just POP back out! What the hell is this thing!?

So bullets are gonna be pretty useless. Fantastic. Just as you come to that conclusion, a GRENADE whizzes past its head and into the wall where the EMITTER poked out showering the whole chamber in sparks!

“Raj and I will handle this, slick!” Shouts Pepper as the cat swipes at you with the mallet once more, “Just keep him off of us!”

“And I will handle THEM!” Laughs Rivka as her orb rushes to intercept your friends! Oh no you WON’T!

>CONTD.

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>>5772738
Diving out of the way of the massive mallet again, you draw your TOILET PLUNGER from your pocket just as the shockwave from the impact knocks you off your feet! Face-planting on the floor, you’re hastily snatched off the ground by Chuck before he fires a few DARTS into the monster’s chest!

“Keep goin’!” He barks as Pepper and Raj desperately try to avoid Rivka’s stupid orb thing! Despite the enormous size of the tool wielded by the cat, however, its owner swings it around like it was a pool noodle! Swinging it at you and Chuck, the cat manages to wing the Groundskeeper and sends him tumbling across the chamber!

As bad as it looks, you see your chance when the mallet slams against the wall! Scrambling onto with agility that would make Master Laika proud, you take another flying leap just as the cat reaches for you!

For a few seconds you’re in freefall… but your gamble pays off! Seeing your flight, Raj leaps onto his SKATEBOARD and princess-carries Pepper! while the redhead continues to take potshots at the EMITTERS, the skater leads Rivka over to you just in time for you to slam the plunger’s business end into the orb’s side with a triumphant ‘SPONK!’

Still lounging in her servant chair, the orb’s occupant is none too pleased to see you hanging off of her ride.

“Sorry, no hitchhikers.”

Rivka takes an unimpressed sip from her mug as she snaps her gloved fingers summoning a trio of those SPIDER BOTS you saw in the vents earlier! Emerging from where the ENGINE is on the back of the orb, they skitter towards you with their turrets glowing green and a menacing look in their glowing red eyes!

It doesn’t look good for you, no, but you can’t help but smile–hanging off of the orb, you hear the sound of giant steps approaching from behind… and the wide-eyed stare on Rivka’s goggled-face tells you all you need to know!

You let go of the plunger right when you feel a gust of air tickle the back of your ears.

>CONTD.

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>>5772743
If this were anywhere else, GIANT CARTOON CAT WITH A MALLET would be signed with MLB right now. Falling into Chuck’s waiting arms, the two of you get out of the way just as the mallet connects with the orb and sends it, and its occupants, bouncing around the chamber like a pinball!

The SPIDERBOTS are the first casualties–two of them explode on impact with the wall, while the third valiantly leaps from the orb, but gets caught on the rebound! The lab fills with ‘OOF’s, ‘OW’s, and other curses as Rivka struggles to regain control of her ride, but in all the confusion Raj and Pepper are still wrecking every EMITTER they can see! No deadly particles for HER!

… wait, how are you gonna deal with this cat, then?

As if hearing your question, the cat turns his grinning attention back towards you and Chuck! Giving his mallet a cocky spin, the frumious feline wastes no time in rushing over to you–until Rivka’s orb slams into his head, that is!

“STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!” Showering the chamber in sparks, the orb bobs a little more as the scientist finally regains control! Now standing up from her seat, she shoots you a death glare as she frantically pats her lab coat!

“They’ll have to invent a whole new word to accurately define just how SORRY you’re all going to be-”

The scientist’s face lights up as one of her servants wordlessly holds out the REMOTE she was looking for! Right when she’s about to take it, however, the cat expresses its distaste at being smacked in the only way it knows how!

“Oh no-”

Yep, the mallet SLAMS into the orb again! Sending your tormentor ricocheting around the room once more, the cat turns its eerie eyes back in your direction while Pepper and Raj continue their property damage spree!

>ROLL ME 2d100 TO DODGE! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>DIESEL: +1 (+5 SPEED BONUS, -4 GIANT CAT WITH MALLET)
>CHUCK: +0 (+5 MILITARY TRAINING, -1 WINGED, -4 GIANT CAT WITH MALLET)

Rolled 82, 59 = 141 (2d100)

>>5772745

Rolled 35, 57 = 92 (2d100)

>>5772745

Rolled 39, 10 = 49 (2d100)

>>5772745

>>5772750
>>5772764
>>5772858
DOOOOODGE!
>DIESEL: 83!
>CHUCK: 59!
Writing!

File: inkblot.gif (2.95 MB, 504x284)

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If the last few moments were a light drizzle, the next few are a storm! Rushing between the aperture created by the cat’s bow-legged and still-bouncing stance, you and Chuck duck both underneath the mallet AND the swipe the cat takes at you with its free hand!

As Pepper and Raj continue their skating tour around the room, machinery and metal fall to the floor in growing piles of scrap like smoldering clumps of confetti as the smell of gunpowder and melting wires overpowers the scent of coffee and maple syrup!

Still spinning around the room like a coked-up rubber ball, Rivka’s orb spits out SPIDERBOTS like it was trying to give them away! Leaping from the vehicle like rats escaping a sinking ship, some of them are dashed beneath the cat’s massive feet–the others are blown apart like clay pigeons thanks to you and Chuck!

“Can’t keep this up…” Pants the old man as you blast the cat’s leg with your CHINCHILL PUMP-ACTION once more, “Much longer…”

As the cat extracts the shrapnel from your gun just like it did before, you begrudgingly admit that the groundskeeper has a point–like everything else the bitch has done tonight, Rivka’s bitten off more than she can chew with this cat… and while her orb isn’t looking too hot right now, the cruel cartoon only has to land one lucky shot o-

Your thoughts are interrupted by the beast’s foot! Darting past its attempt at stomping you, you return the favor by grabbing your STUN STAFF and stabbing the creature’s leg with all your might!

https://youtu.be/eHSJeuD3HAM

The sudden and worryingly-human shriek takes you off-guard–so much so that you almost miss the spritz of black goo from the wound you’ve made in the abominable animation’s leg!

Steam hisses out of the cat’s ears as it gives you a sour look! Scrambling to avoid a flurry of furious mallet swings, you and Chuck take refuge behind a pile of scrap as the beast rushes after you with thunderous steps!

“Well, it bleeds…” Remarks Chuck as he loads a few more RIFLE ROUNDS into his gun, “That means we can kill it…”

Were it so easy!

What do?
>POKE MORE HOLES INTO THE CAT!
>TRY TO DESTROY THE MALLET FIRST!
>HE’S WRECKING RIVKA’S ORB–KEEP BAITING HIM!
>HELP RAJ AND PEPPER WITH THE EMITTERS!
>DESTROY THE PORTAL! NO MORE PALS!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5772894
>DESTROY THE PORTAL! NO MORE PALS!
>KEEP BAITING HIM!
This CATastrophic feline foe is our best bet to destroy the gate as well.

>>5772894
>>DESTROY THE PORTAL! NO MORE PALS!
>>KEEP BAITING HIM!

>>5772896
Ooh, I like this idea.

>>5772896
+1

>>5772896
>>5772925
>>5772954
>>5772973
>BAIT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PORTAL!
Spicy idea ya' got here!

>ROLL ME 4d100 TO BAIT THE CAT... AND KEEP DESTROYING EMITTERS! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>DIESEL+6 (+5 SPEED BONUS, +10 COMBAT BONUS, -5 GIANT PISSED OFF CAT WITH MALLET, -2 RIVKA'S WATCHING KINDA, -2 TOUGH GATE)
>PEPPER: +3(+5 NO-LONGER DUBIOUS FIREARMS ABILITY, -1 NOT AS LOTS, -2 RIVKA INTERFERENCE)
>RAJ: +3(+5 COOL CUSTOMER, -1 NOT AS LOTS, -2 RIVKA INTERFERENCE)
>CHUCK: -5(+5 MILITARY TRAINING, -5 PISSED OFF GIANT CAT WITH MALLET, -2 RIVKA'S WATCHING KINDA, -1 GETTING TIRED, -2 TOUGH GATE)

Rolled 3, 28, 1, 83 = 115 (4d100)

>>5773023
I've got another 1 in me, I'm sure.

>>5773027
Yep

>>5773027

It's a god damn joke you fucking RNG!

Rolled 26, 47, 19, 18 = 110 (4d100)

>>5773023

Rolled 60, 32, 17, 23 = 132 (4d100)

>>5773023
it is real RNG hours

>>5773027
...Christ on a bicycle.

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>>5773027

File: boo.gif (4.51 MB, 498x267)

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>>5773027

>>5773027
>>5773036
>>5773056
I was worried we wouldn't get a Nat 1 in this thread... glad I was proven wrong!

Rolls:
>DIESEL: 63!
>PEPPER: 50!
>RAJ: CRIT-FAIL LMAO
>CHUCK: 78!
Well at least Chuck's rolling well again. Anyways, writing!

File: pepswim.png (93 KB, 800x600)

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Oh whoops it was Pepper fucking lol
Maybe I actually have to kill her, huh

>>5773131
NO WAIT IT WAS RAJ JESUS CHRIST lemme drink some water

>>5773134
>>5773131
>see a failure
>instinctively think it's Pep
Poor girl. She really has a rep now, huh?

>>5773138
>inb4 she rolls a crit-fail in the epilogue
Worst date EVER

File: superbeef.jpg (13 KB, 480x360)

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Okay, you pant as the inky abomination approaches, here’s the plan: we gotta destroy that GATE!

“Couldn’t agree more…” Nods Chuck in an equally-weary tone, “Whatcha’ thinkin’, kid?”

Well, you begin, you’ve got a GIANT CARTOON CAT WITH A MALLET--

Before you can finish, the aforementioned GIANT CARTOON CAT WITH A MALLET brings its also aforementioned MALLET down upon your hiding place showering you and the groundskeeper in a hail of scrap metal! Though the shrapnel scrapes your skin, you and Chuck are thankfully unscathed–at least enough to rush past your would-be killer’s tree trunk-sized legs!

As you slip past, Chuck picks up a particularly nasty hunk of scrap and jabs it into the wound you inflicted on the beast before! This time a water cooler’s-worth of ink spurts out, and the kitty cat is NOT pleased about it!

Good, you think as you and Chuck beat a hasty retreat, you can use that… channeling your inner CARTOON MOUSE, you keep the cat busy by dodging and darting in a serpentine path long enough for Chuck to break away to get a better vantage point! You’re about halfway to the GATE when Raj and Pepper come in skating hot--like holy crap they’re about t-

Your thoughts are swifty cut off when the skater and his redhead cargo plow into you at full-force, sending the three of you tumbling across the chamber like dropped potatoes!

Rolling to a stop next to Raj and Pepper, the skater gives you an apologetic grin.

“My bad, bro…” He groans before stumbling to his feet and offering you both a hand, “Shitty time to beef it, huh-”

>CONTD.

File: rajrage.png (358 KB, 700x400)

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>>5773153
Before anyone can answer, the MALLET comes crashing down next to you like a silver screen-age meteor! Missing your head by mere inches, you still feel your teeth rattle from the impact!

Helped up by Raj, the two of you immediately unload your weapons into the cat’s face–it doesn’t seem to do much damage given how the monster’s eyelashes scrub away the bullets from its eyes, but it distracts it long enough to check on the RED MENACE!

PEPPER, you shout as you rush over to her, are you good!?

“Y-yea…” she replies weakly before looking at her left arm stump, “Pretty lucky, actually…”

As Chuck draws the cat’s ire, you follow her gaze and find yourself staring at the crater where the mallet impacted–if she still had her arm she’d have definitely lost it!

“Ehehe~”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Raj, however, is clearly not as amused. Helping Pepper to her feet, you watch in utter horror when you rush to the skater’s kneeling side…

In the middle of the crater sits a mulched pile of wood and metal in the shape of a…

Oh. Oh no...

As the reality of the situation kicks in, you notice that Raj is… trembling. Steaming, even!

“You… you BASTARDS!” He roars as he rips off his orange hoodie, “YOU KILLED LINDA!”

“HA! FULLY-INTENDED!” Gloats Rivka as she finally regains control over her now VERY decrepit-looking orb! “Now-”

“YOU KILLED LINDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”

Interrupting her with a beastly roar, Raj draws his FIRE AX and rushes to chop down a cat-shaped tree! Wait, you sputter, RAJ!

>ROLL 10d100 TO UNLEASH RAJ RAGE! YEP, TEN! BEST OF 3!

Rolled 83, 2, 57, 8, 55, 76, 93, 9, 69, 53 = 505 (10d100)

>>5773155
The legendary Super-Persian!

Rolled 12, 56, 84, 27, 93, 50, 17, 85, 50, 70 = 544 (10d100)

>>5773155

Rolled 46, 10, 76, 54, 57, 72, 23, 52, 30, 4 = 424 (10d100)

>>5773155
Beware the fury of a patient man.

>>5773159
>>5773161
>>5773163
30 rolls and not a single 1

>>5773159
>>5773161
>>5773163
>HIGHEST ROLL: 544!
WRITING!

>>5773363
Well yea, it's Raj, not PEPPER.

File: gatebusted.gif (933 KB, 320x180)

933 KB GIF

By the time you call out to him, Raj has already closed the distance! Gritting his teeth as he rushes the cat, the skater leaves a trail of tiny flecks of…

… wood. His grip is splintering the ax handle!

The cat attempts to crush the newcomer, but it’s too slow–bringing the tool behind his back with another chamber-shaking roar, Raj brings the blade crashing into the monochrome monster’s leg… no, THROUGH it!

A mote of surprise flickers in the beast’s eyes as a replacement leg pops out, but just as quickly as it appears, Raj chops through THAT one too! And another! AND ANOTHER!

Batting away the mallet like it was a flyswatter, the skater doesn’t stop screaming as the cat somehow grows paler than before!

“Look!” Exclaims Pepper as she points to the growing puddle of ink on the floor, “He’s… he’s actually-”

The extradimensional horror brings its mallet around for one last desperate attack–but as the tool comes down towards Raj’s head, the skater’s weapon is already there to meet it! Clashing in a shower of sparks, the two weapons meet for a moment before the mallet is sent AIRBORNE!

“VERY impressive… for a CAVEMA-oh drat...”

Landing on Rivka’s orb with a definitive BONK, the scientist’s ride slams against the ground once more causing its engine to erupt in a series of unhealthy-sounding whines!

Raj’s attention is still on the monster, though–hewing through its leg one more time, the skater drops his weapon at his feet and falls to his knees gasping for breath as the cartoon cat stumbles backwards into the GATE!

A colossal ‘GONG’ rings out across the chamber as the portal fizzles a bit, and as the cartoon cat staggers dazed from the structure powering it, it falls backwards through the portal!

Halfway, at least.

Rushing to Raj’s side, you and Pepper prepare for the cat’s counterattack, but it never comes! The chamber fills with smoke and the acrid smell of burning electronics as one side of the gate violently crackles and sparks before a small explosion rocks the whole gate!

The portal flickers just long enough to bisect the monster at its waist! Though the cat’s lower half remains, it only manages to take a few more drunken steps before pooling into a lake of ink just outside the now-violently flickering portal!

“Linda…”

As the word escapes Raj’s cracked throat, the skater falls unconscious at your feet…

He did it… the crazy sonnovabitch did it. And he’s out like a light…

>CONTD.

File: rivka2.png (284 KB, 800x1067)

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>>5773461
As you pat your friend on his sweaty shoulder, you and Pepper draw your weapons as Rivka putters over with that same shit-eating grin on her face! Call Raj curiosity, you snarl, because he just killed your cat!

“Amusing, truly.” The scientist sniffs, walking over to the edge of the orb as one of her three servants straightens out her lab coat for her, “But oh DEAR! It would appear your wittle pet is out like a light! D’wooNWOOO, wook at him–he’s... he's swooo twiiiuurrrd!”

Dive-bombing you and your prone pal, the orb whizzes by just as you snatch Raj up off the ground and fireman carry him out of her reach!

“You’re merely postponing the inevitable, you know!” The scientist chides as you spot Chuck lining up a shot from across the chamber, “I had predicted you’d have given up now that you’ve found even MORE dead weight to carry around… if I was a MORON, that is!”

Her eyes narrow at you as you struggle to avoid looking up her dress. “But I know you, DIESEL CRASH– well enough to know that you aren’t the type to back down…”

Her words take you off-guard–enough to nearly make you drop Raj to the floor… enough to nearly make you stop looking up her dres-damn it!

“That’s right…” She purrs as Useless pours some maple syrup into her mouth from a banged-up bottle, “I knew exactly who you were when I shared that gift with you… long before you stumbled onto this island!”

“She’s bluffing!” Snarls Pepper as she hops in front of you like a red-haired pomeranian, “Get Raj to safety, sandcrab!”

“There IS no safety in here, you RETARDS.” The scientist groans, leaning back so that her third servant can smooth out her hair, “Does that PORTAL look safe to you!? Does it!?”

Following her gloved finger, you find yourself staring at what appears to be some kind of experimental light show–the gate seemed volatile enough when you first entered, but now…

She doesn’t have control over it anymore, does she?

“Oh it’ll be much safer once you all GIVE UP!” Hisses the mad doctor as she pounds one of her fists against the inside of the orb! “Now learn from my example and be smart for once! KNEEL!”

Chuck’s still aiming…

What do?
>FINISH OFF THE GATE!
>SHE KNOWS YOU? IS SHE…
>THE ORB IS ON ITS LAST LEGS! BLAST IT!
>FOCUS ON GETTING RAJ SOMEWHERE SAFEISH!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5773463
>FINISH OFF THE GATE!
We can do this!
>FOCUS ON GETTING RAJ SOMEWHERE SAFEISH!
Pepper and Chuck can do this!
>SHE KNOWS YOU? IS SHE…

>>5773467
Supporting!

>>5773463

>>5773467
>>5773509
>FINISH OFF THE GATE (DIESEL)
>GET RAJ TO SAFETY (PEPPERONI AND CHUCK)
>ALSO BITE RIVKA'S STUPID BAIT I GUESS

The dialogue needs no rolling, but the other crap does!
>ROLL ME 3d100: 1 FOR DIESEL'S ATTACK ON THE GATE (BONUSES AWARDED FOR EXPLAINING HOW EXACTLY YOU PLAN ON WRECKING IT) AND 2 FOR CHUCK AND PEPPER'S RESCUE MISSION! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>DIESEL +7(+10 COMBAT BONUS, -2 RIVKA'S WATCHING, -1 NOT SO TOUGH GATE)
>PEPPERONI: -4(-2 RIVKA'S WATCHING, -2 HEAVY RAJ, SMALL GRIL)
>CHUCK: +5(+5 MILITARY TRAINING, +2 NO MAN GETS LEFT BEHIND, -2 RIVKA'S WATCHING)

Rolled 48, 59, 46 = 153 (3d100)

>>5773589
Less biting her bait than keeping the loudmouthed megalomaniac talking. She loves the sound of her own voice so much that she won't DARE kill us before we hear the entirety of her 'masterful' plan.

Rolled 31, 77, 42 = 150 (3d100)

>>5773589

>>5773589
Stupid big-chested villain could never hope to distract us!

Rolled 66, 13, 85 = 164 (3d100)

>>5773598
Forgot roll.

>>5773593
>>5773597
>>5773599
THE ROLLS:
>DIESEL: 73!
>PEPPER: 73!
>CHUCK: 90!
Writing!

>>5773598
Dang it, anon, don't draw attention to it! You'll only strengthen Rivka!

>>5773589
>HOW EXACTLY YOU PLAN ON WRECKING IT
Skewer anything metal and sharp into as many cable bundles as you can find with the mallet. The screwdriver! That fork! The syringe! The cleaver! Short circuits for everyone! And we can stuff the bog roll in and light it on fire for good measure. It's the end game, may as well use those items!

>>5773645
Shit yea, my dude. And yes, please use the CARTOON MALLET. My OFFICIAL SLICE QUEST STRATEGY GUIDE tells me it's one of the best items in the game!

... huh, they've got a chapter here on all the possible romance options. Better rip that out...

>>5773649
We supposedly have a small rubber mallet of our own in our inventory

>>5773651
Shit, you can use that too. Whoops. I'd allow the CARTOON MALLET too!

File: rainyalley.jpg (74 KB, 1280x720)

74 KB JPG

As the old man draws a bead on what you hope is some vital part of Rivka’s ride, you realize he might need a little more time to line up his shot…

… and as far-fetched as it sounds, you really want to hear how this bitch knows you!

Alright, you retort as you step between the mad scientist and your pals, let’s hear it! And this had better not be another RUSE!

“HAH!” Rivka scoffs, making a show of recoiling from the perceived stupidity of your suggestion, “PROFESSOR RIVKA ILLYANKA BERTRUGER needs no ‘RUSES’! And I think you know QUITE well when we first met… or rather… that fateful NIGHT!”

Confusion clouds Pepper’s worried expression. “Er… Diesel?”

She’s full of shit, you snap, you never banged her-wait a second… NIGHT?

Rivka’s goggles light up with glee as she continues to bob up and down. “Yes, Diesel Crash! Do you remember now, hmmm?”

You do… it was years ago, but you remember it as clear as crystal: a defenseless girl backed into an alleyway by a gang of thugs… the Seccorino Family, they kept saying… rain washing the blood off of your bruised knuckles… cop car lights and sirens shining off of the girl’s teary, horrified face… you still remember the look on your parent’s faces when they were called to the station-

“No idea what you’re blathering about!” Chirps Rivka as she obnoxiously slurps from her coffee! “It was a WEEK ago, you dolt! LAST FRIDAY to be precise!”

Settling back into her servant chair, the scientist paints a picture with her words like a grandmother telling a story!

Oh brother...

>CONTD.

File: rivkastory.png (363 KB, 800x533)

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>>5773672
“After weeks of arduous, well, for others, not for me of course, work, I had finally managed to wrestle a WEEKEND OFF from that wretched fossil Hauser’s bony hands! And it was my intention to make every moment count!”

Arduous work, you scoff, sure… she’s done a great job-

“Don’t interrupt!” She snarls before leaning back in her ‘chair’, “As I was saying… I had, in fact, managed to lure a detractor of mine into the city for an evening rendezvous: ANDRE ST. CLAIRE, a biologist in name only!” She spits, nearly spilling her coffee all over the orb!

“He called my scientific methods ‘unethical, so I thought it was only fair to show him just how ethical I could be! The plans were set, my cover identity acquired, the means of capture secured… The one task that remained was acquiring SUSTENANCE for the night!” The scientist lets out a dismissive sigh. “Oh MEN... you’ll leap at any chance to skip the courtship, won’t you?”

Yea, uh, you stammer, trying to avoid Pepper’s probing gaze burning into the back of your skull, th-that’s not true! At all!

“HAH! A likely story!” The scientist sneers! Is Chuck gonna shoot or WHAT?! “According to my research AND my favorite food delivery app FOODIE, the highest-rated and cheapest restaurant in the area was a local pizzeria… PIZZA MIND!”

Usually there’s a tradeoff there, you interrupt with pride in your voice, quality versus pricing! Well at PIZZA MIND they go hand-in-ha-

“SILENCE!” Snarls Rivka as you slowly notice Pepper dragging Raj past the orb, “Your sales pitch is as empty as your SKULL!” She scoffs. “Hohoho, I bet you can’t even recall my order, can you!? Under the name ‘LUCRETIA ROSE’!”

Yea RIGHT! You totally do! She ordered a-

>ROLL ME 1d100+5 (+5 CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT) TO REMEMBER RIVKA’S ORDER! BEST OF 3! BONUS TO GOOD WRITE-INS!

Rolled 28 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5773675

Rolled 57 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5773675
A medium stuffed crust, classic style sauce, extra cheese, double pepperoni, sausage, and maple syrup on top. With a cup of coffee.

Rolled 82 + 5 (1d100 + 5)

>>5773683
Kek. Would Uncle Emilio even MAKE such an abomination?

>>5773675
Rolling.

>>5773684
The customer is always right. And if anybody could pull it off, it’d be uncle Emilio.

>>5773680
>>5773683
>>5773684
>HIGHEST ROLL: 87!
WRITING!
>>5773683
Jesus Christ

File: syrupzza.jpg (714 KB, 768x576)

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The name Lucretia sends a shiver down your spine–a primal fear you haven’t felt since your encounter with Jake and THE DEVIL FRUIT earlier tonight! One that chills your very genes… It was the MEDIUM STUFFED CRUST, ITALIA CLASSICO SAUCE, EXTRA CHEESE, DOUBLE PEP, EXTRA SAUSAGE…

You cringe as the last bit catches on your burning tongue.

… and MAPLE SYRUP ON TOP… AND A COFFEE. LARGE.

“Hmph! Well I suppose someone somewhere might find that vaguely impressive…” Purrs Rivka as she makes an ‘eeh’ gesture with her hand, “But then again some people, and I use the term as loosely as I can, find SPORTS STATISTICS intriguing… Anywho-”

Oh you remember, alright, you begin to the tune of an old fisherman spinning a tale at one of the corner tables with grog in hand–it was one of the orders Uncle Emilio whipped up with the crucifix in one hand…

“Yes, well-”

You’re pretty sure you had to use HOLY WATER to rinse off those dishes, too! Emilio wouldn’t even let you leave until you joined him in a few prayers…

“IRRELEVANT!” Shrieks the scientist, causing Pepper to freeze mid-drag! “Because if you weren’t so focused on my refined palate you’d ALSO recall my specific instructions for how the pizza was to be prepared!”

Once the image of the UR-PIZZA settles into your mind, everything else comes easy. You remember the laundry list of instructions on the ticket–step-by-step instructions as if you were exorcising a demon-

“THEY. WERE. INSTRUCTIONS. ON. HOW. TO. DEGREASE. THE PIZZA!” The scientist snarls as she punctuates each word with a stomp of her foot! “I even reminded you when you delivered it to my hotel room! I was PAINFULLY clear!”

Ah, that explains everything… she’s skipping over the part where she answered the door wearing nothing but a towel draped over her uh… chest... and some lacy unmentionables. You’re pretty sure her hair was wrapped too, but you weren’t really paying attention.

… you thought it was ENTRAPMENT or something!

Yea uh, you stammer as you struggle to come to terms with a memory you quite frequently revisited over the last week (usually in the bathroom), you um… you didn’t remember her instructions…

“CLEARLY!” She roars as Pepper continues her journey with Raj, “I had a stomach ache for the rest of the NIGHT! You foiled my plans to SHOW THEM ALL and you don’t even REMEMBER! Ohohoho,” She chortles as she takes another haughty sip from her mug, “But I… I remembered YOU! And that’s when I knew you’d be the perfect guinea pig for my next project…”

… was it called Project: Show Th-

“PROJECT: SHOW THEM ALL!” She booms, splashing one of her slaves with Maple Coffee!

SHOCKING.

>CONTD.

File: portalfucked.gif (4.49 MB, 500x500)

4.49 MB GIF

>>5773789
So that’s it, huh? She stuck a parasite in you because some pizza grease gave her a tummy ache?

“Because YOU gave me a tummy ache!” The scientist snarls as she snatches the bottle of MAPLE SYRUP out of Useless’s hands and chugs it! “And now you and your friends shall pay the ULTIMATE PRICE! ACTIVATING PARTICLE EMITTERS!”

With a dramatic flourish of her fingers and a wicked cackle, Rivka triumphantly stabs one of the bigger buttons on her remote!

“I WIN, FOOLS! TELL WHATEVER GODS ABANDONED YOU HERE THAT RIVKA BERTRUGER WILL BE COMING FOR THEM NEX-erm… one moment, please…”

It takes everyone a moment to realize the emitters aren’t working–not that that’s much of a surprise to you given the havoc Raj and Pepper wreaked earlier! Giving you a wink from across the chamber, Pepper deposits Raj behind a pile of scrap as Rivka continues to mash the button!

“C’mon, C’MOooON! Stupid machines!”

Better call tech support, you boast as you adjust SMYTHE’S HAT to a roguish angle that you’ve totally included in the last few drawings, because that’s not gonna work!

To your great surprise, Rivka doesn’t lose her cool! Steadying herself with a deep breath, she instead revs the orb’s still-burning engine a few times! “If that’s the case, well…”

Her answer comes in the form of a gunshot from across the chamber! Plinking against the back of the orb, Chuck’s shot doesn’t seem to do much at first… until the whole vehicle ERUPTS IN FLAMES!

Shrieking in surprise, Rivka and her cronies struggle to regain control as the orb resumes its pinball game! You, on the other hand, give the old man a grateful thumbs up before scurrying off towards the gate!

Skidding to a halt inches away from the gate’s base, you suddenly realize just how terrible of an idea this is! Changing shape, texture, and color every second like some messed-up computer screensaver every second, the portal looks fit to collapse… or worse, ESCAPE! As if on cue, a piece of metal at your feet gets neatly bisected by a rogue piece of portal… which is all the inspiration you need to climb!

Clambering up the side like a monkey, you dodge rogue arcs of portally… energy while Chuck and Pepper continue to keep Rivka busy! As you reach the busted part of the gate, however, a horrible noise rakes against your eardrums from behind you!

“THAT’S IT! USELESS! OBNOXIOUS! GET OUT THERE!”

Yep, she’s talking… Chancing a look below you, you find two of her pet lab techs creeping out from a hatch in the back of the orb with some kind of…

LASER RIFLES? Those guys can use GUNS!?

Your answer comes in the form of two buff, parasite-ridden lab techs hanging ten on top of the orb while trying to blast your friends into dust. Any other day you’d think it was cool as hell, but right now you’ve got bigger fish to fry… PORTAL fish!

>CONTD.

File: floorlava.png (690 KB, 1200x600)

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>>5773791
No time to waste! Retrieving your RUBBER MALLET from your pocket, you get to work jamming every metal item you have into the exposed wires! THE FORK! THE SYRINGE! THE CLEAVER! NIGHT VISION GOGGLES! THE COMBAT KNIFE! THE BATON! Everything you can possibly shove in! The thunder god THUNDAAR accepts your sacrifice willingly, and as you make to light a fire as well, your efforts are rewarded by an explosion inches away from your face!

Falling from the gate, time slows to a crawl as you watch the left arch erupt in even MORE blasts–some red, some blue, some… well, you have no idea what color that is! Freed from its prison, the PORTAL takes its own form… that of some kind of PORTAL BLOB!?

Yea, you’ll never truly understand science…

Filling the room like a burst dam flooding a city, the liquid portal turns the whole chamber into a high-stakes game of ‘THE FLOOR IS LAVA’, save for the piles of debris built up by your friends! And you just so happen to be falling towards the lava…

To make matters worse, Rivka’s burning orb buzzes past you with two of her cronies on top! The air around you fills with lasery death as you tumble downwards, but you can’t fail yet! You just CAN’T!

>ROLL 1d100-2 (+5 SPEED BONUS, -3 LASERS, -4 FLOOR IS LAVA) TO LAND SAFELY! BEST OF 3!

>>5773796
Oh shit thanks I forgot to post that

Rolled 47 - 2 (1d100 - 2)

>>5773792
fuckin portals, how do they work

Rolled 30 - 2 (1d100 - 2)

>>5773797
Kek. This freakin' spammer. best response I've seen to it so far, though.

>>5773792
Rolling!

>>5773811
You could probably ask, but that would mean Rivka would talk more. You're not sure you're ready for more of that

Rolled 64 - 2 (1d100 - 2)

>>5773792

>>5773826
OUR SAVIOR!

>>5773811
>>5773814
>>5773826
>HIGHEST ROLL: 62!
Writing! Probably gonna be the last update of the night--will resume on TUESDAY AROUND 4-5PM PST, PROBABLY! Hope to see ya there!

File: squirrelfall.jpg (236 KB, 1400x1751)

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Having no wings, jetpack, or anything that could really alter your flight path save for your marginally-baggy and comfortable TRACKPANTS, you do what any self-respecting flightless animal would do in this situation:

Scream and flail like a squirrel falling out of a tree!

If there are any squirrels watching through the portal, they’re probably pretty proud–spinning through the air like a falling leaf, your fall is thankfully cushioned by something big and strong…

… and wearing some kind of lab coat…

Before you can ask, you get your answer when both Useless and Obnoxious swing at you with their LASER RIFLES! Ducking below both attacks, you follow up by sweeping their legs out from underneath them, sending the two stooges tumbling onto all-fours just like you!

Hanging onto the orb for dear life, you feel your hands start to sizzle when you remember the damn thing’s still on fire! YOW! Stumbling back to your feet, you’re caught in the grasp of Usele-no, Obnoxious--a FULL-NELSON grasp, to be precise!

Menacingly cracking his purple-veined neck, Useless defies his family name and starts kicking you like a soccer ball! Your shins, your stomach, even one smack to the face–you get it all! Despite the barrage, however, you manage to hold firm–guess that parasite you had did change you a bit!

Slamming the back of your head into Obnoxious’s face, you instantly regret your action when you remember he’s wearing some stupid welding mask thing! Ears ringing and eyes spinning, you instead stomp on his foot and use the resulting leverage to JUDO THROW him over your shoulder and onto his pal!

“Seatbelts, everybody!” Chirps Rivka as she and her third servant sneer at you from within the orb, “Safety first!”

>CONTD.

File: rivkathralls.png (173 KB, 700x400)

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>>5773889
Dropping prone as fast as you can, you manage to grab onto a thankfully cooler piece of engine just as the orb flips over! Hanging on for dear life, the stakes grow even higher when you feel a hand clasped around your ankle… along with a lot more weight!

Glancing below you, you find the two thralls hanging on to each other as well as you! As you start delivering a few kicks of your own to the lab drone’s masked face, you feel panic settle in as the orb gradually dips closer to the PORTAL GOO below!

You’re not sure how much autonomy Rivka’s Thralls have anymore, but by the way Obnoxious lifts his legs up to his chest and tries to climb Useless, you imagine there’s still a little fear in there!

Said fear proves to be totally justified, though when a cloud of chittering specks leap out of the portal and nip at the drone’s heels before a massive anteater-like snout pokes out from the goo and snorts them all up!

Swinging to avoid a trio of hissing vines covered entirely by scorpion-like tails, you’re just about to disembark when a GRENADE whizzes past your head!

“SORRY, SANDCRAB!” Shouts Pepper from atop a debris pile with Raj’s unconscious body as Chuck smacks a pair of giant cockroaches wearing zoot-suits into the goo behind her, “I WAS AIMING FOR THE ORB!”

WAIT UNTIL I JUMP, you bark back! Rocking back and forth a few times after giving the two Thralls a few more kicks, your chance comes when your hitchhikers slam helmet-first into a colossal smiling mushroom that emerges from the goop!

Using its head as a stepping stone, you bounce off of the probably-harmless critter and land on a chunk of debris opposite from Pepper and Chuck!

Safely landing on your face, you try your best to process everything that just happened… but once you see a winged wolf snatch a pair of flying shoes out of the air before being engulfed by what you think is a sentient ball of cotton candy, well…

You’ll deal with this in therapy later.

Speaking of therapy, someone that could REALLY use it appears out of the corner of your eye cackling madly as she brings her dumb, but also surprisingly-resilient orb hurtling towards you!

“CLEAAAAAANUP TIIIIIIME!”

The good news is that the engine’s looking REALLY dicey–like it’s actually being overtaken by some kind of DICE SLIME. The bad news is, well, it’s coming right for ya.

>ROLL ME 1d100+2 (+5 SPEED BONUS, -3 THIS PORTAL SHIT, MAN) TO DODGE! BEST OF 3!

Rolled 97 + 2 (1d100 + 2)

>>5773891
rolling to harness the dice slime

Rolled 75 + 2 (1d100 + 2)

>>5773891
Oh god please not a 1 please not a 1, that last roll was really good and I don't want to ruin it

Rolled 30 + 2 (1d100 + 2)

>>5773891
This >>5773902

>>5773891
Judging by the look of that guy’s eyes behind the welding mask, I’m gonna say he’s at least partially aware of what’s happening to him. Let’s try not to kill them.

>>5773957
Given they seem like they're going in the goop, their fate might be out of our hands now

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>>5773902
>>5773906
>>5773954
>HIGHEST ROLL: 99!
Jesus, you guys... Pepper could learn a thing or two from Diesel, huh? Writing!

>>5773957
>>5774191
It's always warms my heart that you guys want to keep my nameless goons alive and adopt them! Gives me Good Boy Security warm and fuzzies

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Not for long it isn’t! You’re too angry to back down at this point–rushing to meet the orb head-on, you leap just in time to hop on top of the burning bubble!

Not keen on being forgotten, both Useless and Obnoxious clamber up the sides like extras in a zombie flick, but you’re way ahead of ‘em! Swatting them both off the sides with your STUN STAFF, you stab your weapon into the orb’s engine and leap to the nearest patch of solid ground… which in this case happens to be a small hill of jawbreakers.

With what appear to be faces of Presidents printed on their surface.

Alien Presidents.

Huh.

Your confusion is cut off by another explosion ringing out across the chamber-turned-extradimensional zoo: this one originating from the back of the orb! Finally giving up the ghost, the Spheremobile’s engine lets out a final pathetic sputter before tumbling into the portal goo!

… and exploding again! Alright, pretty sure ya’ got ‘em this time… watching the wreckage slowly sink into the goop for a few cautious seconds, you allow yourself a sigh of relief when nothing else emerges!

“YEA!” Cheers Pepper as she victoriously pumps her remaining fist, “That’s how ya’ do it, sandcrab!”

Chuck merely gives you an impressed nod as he lifts Raj onto his broad shoulders. Yea, you smirk, that IS how you do i-

That’s when you hear the slow clap. Rising from the burning, sinking, and dissolving wreckage of the orb like some kind of vampire, Rivka continues to clap with a smug grin on her ash-caked face as her three servants ferry her away from the wreck and onto the candy island!

Are you KIDDING right now?! Just DIE already! She’s LOST!

“Au contraire, my loutish lab rat!” The scientist sneers as her three servants hastily fix her hair and straighten out her lab coat, “I’ve collected more than enough data for my purposes… and enough to realize that an easier solution is standing right in front of me!”

You feel a fresh serving of bile climb up your garlic-scented throat as Rivka holds out her hand your way!

“Join me, Crash. Be the knight in shining armor you ache to be! Coat the history books in blood! Accompany me on my crusade to SHOW THEM ALL!” Leaning forward to give you a better view of her… assets, the scientist raises an eyebrow.

“Your wildest dreams aren’t remotely close to what I can offer you… POWER! RICHES! ATTENTION…”

Before you can respond, a GRENADE rushes towards her cheek… but is flicked off-course by a single finger!

“As a limited time offer,” She purrs as Pepper watches with her mouth agape, “I’ll even let you keep one of your little friends! With a few modifications, if you desire…”

How do you respond?
>DECK HER!
>PLAY ALONG AND GET CLOSE… THEN GARLIC BREATH!
>COMBINED FIRE WITH CHUCK AND PEPPER!
>NEGOTIATE MORE!
>SAY YES!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5774710
RIP the minecart goobers too. Oh well - Darwin killed them, not us.

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>>5774785
Worst birthday ever...

>>5774784
>PLAY ALONG AND GET CLOSE… THEN GARLIC BREATH!
But make it obvious that Diesel got captivated by them malevolent udders for a moment, I want to make Pepper a bit jealous. Plus, it’s Diesel.

>>5774785
Real question is when is bones gonna have us play the villain MC so we don’t gotta care

>>5774784
>>PLAY ALONG AND GET CLOSE… THEN GARLIC BREATH!

>>5774808
Ah yes as a villain MC we don't gotta care because we will already have befriended the goober redshirts, OUR loyal minions!

>>5774794
>>5774815
>PLAY ALONG... THEN GARLIC BREATH!
You dog, you! Let's do it!
>ROLL ME 1d100+8 (+10 COMBAT BONUS, +5 GOOD WRITE-IN, -5 WARY RIVKA, -2 MALEVOLENT MILKERS) TO PUT YOUR PLAN INTO PLAY! BEST OF 3! BONUSES AWARDED FOR WRITE-INS, OF COURSE!

>>5774794
>Plus it's Diesel
I have no idea what you're talking about, anon! Diesel Crash is a perfect gentleman! ----------:^)---------------
>>5774808
>villain MC
Careful what you wish for...

Rolled 54 + 8 (1d100 + 8)

>>5774848

Rolled 87 + 8 (1d100 + 8)

>>5774848
Dies nuts lmao

Rolled 70 + 8 (1d100 + 8)

>>5774848

>>5774851
>>5774853
>>5774858
>HIGHEST ROLL: 95!
Writing!

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You have no trouble figuring out the breast de-errr, the BEST decision here… but an opportunity has presented titse-damn it, ITself to you, and you’re gonna take any advantage you can get!

Slowly shambling over to the scientist’s waiting arms with your eyes wide and mouth agape, you don’t really have much trouble acting your part–in another world where Rivka wasn’t a petty, unhinged, immature murderer, you’d…

Nope, it’s just like Uncle Emilio always says: “Never stick your salami in crazy.”

“Yes…” Purrs Rivka as she sends a triumphant smirk over to Pepper’s pale, trembling form, “Imagine all the fun we could have together… and then multiply it. A thousandfold.

M…. multiply…

You fall into the scientist’s plush embrace and nearly lose consciousness as she meets your body with her own! She… either she knows you’re full of shit, or…

… holy crap…

“Give yourself to me…” She whispers, her sugary breath tickling your ear, “Everything…”

For a moment you’re ready to do just that. It’d be so damn easy, too… and boy would it be rewarding! Until she puts your brain in a jar or something… as your senses give way to your old nemesis LUST, a sound akin to a dying rabbit hits your ears… it’s Pepper!

“Pull it together, ya’ damn horndog…”

And Chuck. Not fantastic as far as supportive comments go, but they’ll work!

Grabbing Rivka by her pale cheeks, you slowly bring her already-puckered lips close to yours…

… and breathe as much GARLICKY BREATH as you can into her open mouth!

“GAAAACCKGHHKH!”

>CONTD.

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>>5774935
Hissing like a vampire, the scientist gags as her servants writhe in invisible flames and drop their weapons into the portal ooze!

“ATTA’ BOY!” Roars Chuck as he sends a salvo of TRANQ DARTS into Rivka’s dazed head, “YA’ GOT ‘ER!”

“Y-YEA! I KNEW YOU WERE SC-SCHEMING!” Adds a somewhat bedraggled-looking Pepper with a trembling laugh!

Sorry, doc, you sneer as you pull the dazed doctor in close, but you’re not interested! With that you deliver a kick that could crush BONE into Rivka’s center of mass, sending her barreling into her goons and scattering them like bowling pins!

Rushing to deliver the coup de grace, you abandon the attack when the scientist nearly gets you with a CRESCENT KICK of her own! Barely ducking under the blurry KNEE-HIGH BOOT whizzing by, you recover just in time to block a rapid-fire trio of punches that immediately make your hands cry UNCLE!

Lashing out with her left hand, you feel your hair stand on-end as it passes inches away from your face spitting arcs of electricity as it goes!

Retreating away from the edge of CANDY ISLAND, you keep your dukes up as Rivka kicks the bottle of MAPLE SYRUP off of the ground and into her waiting hand!

“How… how unfortunate for you…” She growls as a fresh smile forms on her significantly-paler face, “That was your last… chance…”

Downing the rest of the bottle’s contents, Rivka spikes the empty receptacle in Pepper’s direction!

>ROLL ME 2d100–1 FOR PEPPER TO DODGE, 1 FOR DIESEL JUST IN CASE! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>PEPPER: (-3 DROWSY, DIZZY RIVKA, +7 RIVKA GENES)
>DIESEL: (-3 DROWSY, DIZZY RIVKA, +7 RIVKA GENES)

Last update of the night, by the way! BE SURE TO WRITE-IN ANY COUNTER-ATTACKS YOU MIGHT HAVE! THIS IS THE REAL MCCOY LAST BOSS, FOLKS! Seeya around 4-5PM PST ON WEDNESDAY!

Rolled 59 + 4 (1d100 + 4)

>>5774937
Rude. We can throw bottles back and forth all day if that's what you want to do. Start with the bubble bath for a maximum slippey-slidey floor to troll the boss with.

Rolled 82, 13 = 95 (2d100)

>>5774937

Rolled 19 + 4 (1d100 + 4)

>>5774955
ah, forgot second roll

Rolled 4, 1 = 5 (2d100)

>>5774937
Can we take off our shirt or pull out our rope and use it as a net to block/catch her swings? It should insulate us from the electricity.

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>>5774978
There is, I suspect, somewhere out there an entity that derives immense joy from causing this.

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>>5774978
>1

>>5774986
At least it wasn’t Pepper again.

>>5774994
Ha! True.

>>5774955
>>5774967
>>5774969
>>5774978
THE ROLLS:
>PEPPERONI: 86!
>DIESEL: HAHAHA WHAT A MAROON
Writing!

>>5774985
There is.
------Me.-------------

>>5774994
Still plenty of rolls left!

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The redhead’s serial voyeurism pays off–having dodged countless things thrown at her over the years, Pepper reflexively darts out of the way of the maple-flavored missile just in time! Exploding in a shower of glass against the chamber wall, the spunky snoop is already loading a fresh GRENADE into her launcher!

Rivka, on the other hand, isn’t doing too bad either–weaving through Chuck’s DART RAIN, the scientist rushes into your grille again and sweeps your legs with one of her boots! Hopping over the attack, you deliver a strike of your own to her unguarded head, but your blow is parried by a quick swipe of her arm!

What the HELL!? Mina said she’d suck at fighting… sorta!

Spinning you with her riposte, Rivka closes the gap just in time to catch another kick to the chest–just below the padding, in fact! As she skids backwards sending a cloud of sweet treats into the air, an idea comes to mind! If you could insulate yourself from that stupid electric left hand of hers, you’d definitely have an advantage! But how...

Ducking under a haymaker and jabbing your elbow into the small of her back, you give the doc another kick for good measure sending her stumbling towards the edge of the island!

This is a sumo match you can’t afford to lose… which means you’ve gotta go all out! Pulling your shirt over your head with a primal roar, you-

You…

Shit, the shirt’s all wet from the rain! You’re STUCK!

“Allow me to assist you with that…”

Still struggling to break free of what might have been the dumbest move you’ve made all night, you’re taken completely off-guard when Rivka delivers a bone-crushing kick straight to your NARDS! AAAAAAUUUUGH!

“Christ, that’s gotta hurt…”

Thanks, Chuck! Feeling the flames of pain rise through your groin and all the way up into your abdomen, you stumble to your knees and earn a kick to the face for your troubles! And another! And ANOTHER!

Still reeling from the force of three spin kicks to the face even with the leftover strength from your parasite, you’re powerless to react as Rivka brings her SPARKING HAND rocketing into your chin! Every muscle in your face clenches up as the electrical current dances across your nerves, and it’s only after you’re launched across the island that you regain control of your body!

As you collapse into a pile of jawbreakers and gummi maggots, you already hear the scientist’s knee-high boots clomping across the candy towards you!

“Finished already?” She gloats with her SPARKING HAND at her side, “Typical male…”

Your groin still burns (in the painful way), but you can still move! Time for a counterattack!

What do?
UPDATED ITEM PASTEBIN:
https://pastebin.com/RuZL1Xgh
>MELEE TIME!
>GRABBLE HER!
>SWEEP THE LEG! NO MERCY!
>KNOCK HER AWAY AND HAVE YOUR PALS BLAST HER!
>USE AN ITEM (WHAT?)
>WRITE-IN!

>>5775636
>GRABBLE HER!
We’ve got to have more mass than her. If we can deprive her of her mobility, we’ll have a solid advantage.

>>5775636
>>GRABBLE HER!

>>5775636
>THROW [1 BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH MIX] into her eyes, then
>GRABBLE HER!

>>5775652
She’s wearing goggles. I don’t know if that would really work?

>>5775658
It may not sting her eyes, but it will still smudge her goggles and impair vision.

>>5775667
Fair reasoning. Hopefully it doesn’t make her too slippery to grab a hold of.

>>5775639
>>5775642
>>5775652
>GRAPPLE!
>AND ALSO CHUCK SOME BUBBLE BATH MIX AT HER GOGGLES! HA!

You creeps just can't keep your hands off her, huh? JEEZ
>ROLL ME 2d100 TO THROW AND GRAPPLE! BONUSES:
>THROW: +1(+10 COMBAT BONUS, +5 GOOD WRITE-IN, -4 MY NAAARDS, -3 DROWSY, DIZZY RIVKA, -7 RIVKA GENES)
>GRAPPLE: -2 (+10 COMBAT BONUS, +2 SIZE BONUS, -4 MY NAAARDS, -3 DROWSY, DIZZY RIVKA, -7 RIVKA GENES)

Rolled 34, 49 = 83 (2d100)

>>5775686
inb4 we just go sliding around on the floor

Rolled 14, 33 = 47 (2d100)

>>5775686

Rolled 70, 13 = 83 (2d100)

>>5775686

>>5775689
>>5775691
>>5775692
>71... And 47
Damnit, she's really making us work for this one.

>>5775689
>>5775691
>>5775692
THE ROLLS:
>THROW: 71!
>GRAPPLE: 47...
But you DID succeed in screwing with her vision, so...
>47+3! JUST MADE IT!
Writing the last update of the night--sorry folks, shit's been busy lately..

>>5775823
No apology needed, QM. Several updates a day is more than most quests do.

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You’ll say one thing about Rivka–she might be harder to kill than a cockroach with nine lives, but she loves to gloat…

So much so that the scientist doesn’t notice Pepper drawing a bead on her again…

“You can’t beat me, Crash! You may have blundered through my braindead pets through sheer luck and pluck, but besting ME will require far more than tha-”

Not keen on listening to another monologue, you cut things short by drawing your BUBBLE BATH MIX like a cowboy’s revolver and flinging it at her flapping gums! She wants to throw bottles!? YOU’LL THROW BOTTLES!

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect! Already making a show of dodging Pepper’s GRENADE with a cocky laugh, the mad doctor is completely flatfooted by your sudden bubble barrage! Crashing against her face in a frothy and fun-filled cluster of multicolored bubbles, the bottle’s remains tumble to her feet along with some of the mixture, turning the candy-coated ground into a slip-n-slide!

As Rivka struggles to maintain her footing, you leap to your feet and tackle her to the ground! Sliding around like a runaway soap bar, the two of you exchange blows like they were going outta’ style! Trading punches as you slip and slide away, your previous pelvic trauma keeps you from being, well, caught off-guard by straddling the scientist! Batting away her SHOCKING GRASP, you wrap your arms around Rivka and lift her skywards!

“You call.. Ngh… you call this fighting?!” She snarls as she leans back in your grasp! “I’m CANADIAN, you WORM! ICE HOCKEY MOLDED ME!”

Bringing her head crashing towards yours, you meet her halfway with your own forehead! Crashing together like two mighty waves, it’s the scientist that falters first–and her moment of weakness is enough for you to spin her around before slamming her back onto the mound of jawbreakers!

Dazed by the impact, Rivka barely struggles when you lift her again… until she wraps her legs around your waist and flips backwards with you in tow! Landing into a handstand, she uses her powerful thighs to bring you crashing towards the ground headfirst!

You can reverse this, though! Master Laika’s definitely taught you how, you just need to remember the move!

>ROLL 1d100-1 (+10 COMBAT BONUS, -2 MY NAAARDS, -2 DROWSY, DIZZY RIVKA, -7 RIVKA GENES) TO REVERSE THE FLIP-SLAM! BEST OF 3!

>>5775858
Actually fuck that, Diesel's getting pissed.
>1d100+1 (+10 COMBAT BONUS, +2 GETTING PISSED OFF! -2 MY NAAARDS, -2 DROWSY, DIZZY RIVKA, -7 RIVKA GENES)

>>5775829
Thanks, anon--still wanna update more than I'm doing, but I appreciate your kind words!

Rolled 2 - 1 (1d100 - 1)

>>5775858
Everyone knows Canadians are pacifists unless there's a World War on! Which is ironically when Italians are weakest. This is a civil dispute! We've got this!

>>5775860
Oh jesus

>>5775860
...Oh god.

>>5775859
I guess at least it's actually a 3? Haha, haaaa...

>>5775861
Close one! Yep, that was a 2, not a nat 1 so you're goooood

Rolled 6 + 1 (1d100 + 1)

>>5775858
We ain’t losing to a fucking snowman of all people.

The dice gods really want this to be a dramatic fight.

Rolled 97 (1d100)

>>5775859
These dice.These silly silly dice.

>>5775906
WOOOOO

>>5775906
My man.

>>5775858
Ice hockey seems like a challenge, ask if she accidentally slipped and hit her head

>>5775860
>>5775872
>>5775906
>HIGHEST ROLL: 98!
That's the ticket! Writing!

>>5776145
Will try to pop this little burn in too!

>>5775874
Rivka: Canonically worst girl in the Bonesverse

File: thebearbuster.gif (2.92 MB, 950x400)

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Impending head trauma is one hell of a motivator–watching the candy rush towards your face, you remember a move your Master taught you for just such an occasion!

THE BEAR BUSTER!

Reaching out for the mountain of candy, your hands find purchase on two big clumps of fuzzy-looking licorice! Harnessing the power of your AMAZING ABS, you use your momentum to reverse the attack… and send RIVKA’S head towards the floor!

As her blue-haired head smashes into a particularly-beefy section of rock candy, you let go just in time to have the force of her impact lift you into the air once again, but this time your legs are locked around her hips!

Bringing her in an arc back towards the ground, you repeat the attack again! And AGAIN! AND AGAIN! Like a violent caterpillar you inch across the candy island, each slam coating the scientist’s hair with more and more candy!

Feeling the burn in your abs, you allow yourself a cheeky smirk as Rivka’s smug expression quickly gives way to dizziness! What’s wrong, you taunt, you played hockey, yea? A little head trauma’s nothing new, right!?

The scientist responds by grabbing your side with her SPARKING HAND and giving it a jolt! It hurts, sure, but you’re ready for her–flinging her aside with your legs, you quickly shake off the muscle pain as a feeling you’re MUCH more accustomed to starts to make its way through your body…

ANGER!

Skidding to a soapy halt on the edge of the island, Rivka coughs up a few candy canes as she looks up at you with dazed disdain in her cracked goggles!

“Wha…” She stammers as she stumbles onto shaky legs, “What ARE you…?”

Her worst nightmare, you snarl as you crack your knuckles menacingly, an IRISH-ITALIAN… but even worse: an AMERICAN!

“YEEEEESS! YEEEES, SANDCRAB!” Cheers Pepper as she takes out a swarm of flying toasters with a GRENADE, “FINISH HER!” Right, the PORTAL GOO is still uh… evaporating? Cool?

Well if she insists… though the mad doctor still looks like she’s got some fight left in her…

What do??
ITEMS:
https://pastebin.com/RuZL1Xgh
>COMBINED FIRE WITH CHUCK AND PEPPER!
>MELEE! YOU’VE GOT HER NOW!
>DISABLE HER LEGS!
>CHUCK HER INTO THE PORTAL GOO!
>USE AN ITEM (WHAT?)
>WRITE-IN!

>>5776619
>>CHUCK HER INTO THE PORTAL GOO!

Bye, bitch.

>>5776619
>CHUCK HER INTO THE PORTAL GOO!
Worst girl is some other dimension's problem now.

>>5776619
>DISABLE HER LEGS!
Let’s carry her back to the other party goers so they can give her a piece of their minds personally. She and Smythe can both spend a bit of time in some small iron cages in a high security facility.

>>5776632
>>5776645
>THROW HER (OR HAVE CHUCK TOSS HER, I DUNNO) INTO THE PORTAL GOO!

>>5776661
>BUST THOSE LEGS!

Now you're thinking with portals... here goes!
>ROLL ME 1d100+4 TO MAKE THIS BITCH SOME OTHER DIMENSION'S PROBLEM!(+10 COMBAT BONUS, +3 ANGRY, -1 MY NAAARDS, -1 DROWSY, DIZZY, DAMAGED RIVKA, -7 RIVKA GENES) BEST OF THREE ROLLS!

Rolled 8 + 4 (1d100 + 4)

>>5776685

Rolled 95 + 4 (1d100 + 4)

>>5776685
bitch is going to turn into Randall Flagg

Rolled 53 + 4 (1d100 + 4)

>>5776685

>>5776690
The I look forward to seeing her in Libby Quest or whatever!

>>5776698
I’m waiting for Natalie Sue Parble Quest, myself

>>5776688
>>5776690
>>5776692
>HIGHEST ROLL: 99!
How appropriate! Welp, let's do this thing! Writing!

>>5776690
>>5776698
>>5776721
>Rivka
>Returning
Careful what you wish for

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Approaching the cruel Canuck with long, confident strides, you easily sidestep her clumsy stab with her SPARKING HAND and deliver a bitchslap to her cheek that echoes across the whole chamber!

Rivka stumbles backwards from the shocking amount of force in your blow and uses the opportunity to aim a spinning kick at your head, but you grab THAT too! Spinning her around by her high boot, you slam her against the ground one more time to rattle her a bit, but she still manages to kick free of your grasp!

“This…” She spits as she tries and fails to maintain distance from you, “This changes NOTHING, Crash-”

You respond by delivering a kick to her center of mass that sends her tumbling across the jawbreakers! Maybe, you shrug, but it definitely makes you feel better!

Picking her up by the throat, you hold her out enough to keep her hands away from your face, but when you spot her electrically-charged hand darting for your arm, you cut her off with a three course meal of HEADBUTTS!

Goggle shards tumble harmlessly off of your face as you tighten your grip around her throat! Any last monologues, Nurse?

“J-just one…” She sputters as her voice loses air, “One day… I’ll… SHOW YOU TOO!”

Kicking you in the shins as one last ‘screw you’, the scientist’s counterattack actually turns out to work pretty well! Kicking your arm away from her neck in an impressive display of flexibility, Rivka brings her SPARKING HAND back to deliver a decisive blow to your heart, but your speed wins out!

Ducking under her attack, you use your momentum to crouch into a SPRING KICK that catches her chin and launches the mastermind off the island!

Rivka claws and flails for anything that could save her, but even the tourists from the portal goo want nothing to do with her! Landing in the ooze with a decisive ‘PLUT’, the scientist sinks into the residue like it was multicolored tar!

… before filling the chamber with one last rueful cackle!

Your legs grow weak as you watch the portal consume her completely, and only after the chamber grows quiet… well, quietER do you dare to fall to your shaky knees!

For better or worse, you think as you watch her servants writhe in invisible agony behind you, it’s over...

>CONTD.

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>>5776792
Your eyelids feel heavy on your aching face as you struggle to keep them open, but just when you think it’s safe to rest, your ears and eyes are blasted by a flash of red lights and a warning klaxon!

https://youtu.be/eWqMjiVKpQE

‘WARNING! WARNING! DEAD MAN’S SWITCH SYSTEM HAS BEEN ACTIVATED! ALL PERSONNEL EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY! WARNING! WARNING! DEAD MAN’S SWITCH SYSTEM HAS BEEN ACTIVATED!’

As the warning loops at deafening volume, you feel a rough hand usher you back to your feet!

“Up an’ attem’, kid–I ain’t gonna be able to carry your ass too!”

Right, you think as you wordlessly stumble to your feet, Raj is still out like a light! Taking a few steps towards the airlock you entered from, you stagger as the candy shifts below you until another hand clasps around your wrist!

“How ya’ feelin’, sandcrab?” Asks Pepper with an encouraging smile on her ash-covered face, “Ready to escape LAB #2?”

Yea, you nod as you feel your strength return, let’s run like hell!

The creepy-crawlies spawned from the portal don’t seem to notice or care what’s happening as you jab your STUN STAFF into the airlock’s CARD READER–as far as they know this is just how this dimension is! As the card reader clicks and sputters a plume of black, acrid-scented smoke in your face, the door it’s attached to grinds open sending a rain of sparks onto your team!

Somewhere in the middle of your grand battle, the army of slashers that did make it across the catwalk seem to have busted down the door… but in the absence of their master, all that remains is a sea of mutated corpses–each one eviscerated from the inside!

“Guess they didn’t last long without their ‘queen’...” Remarks Pepper as she casts a pitying glance at the trio of servants going through the same treatment behind you.

“Neither are their hosts...” Remarks Chuck as he pushes onwards. “Let’s move–this place ain’t gonna wait for us to leave!”

Rivka’s subordinates aren’t dead… yet... but you definitely can’t carry all three of them out with you…

What do?
>LEAVE ‘EM–IT’S TOO LATE!
>KNOCK THEM INTO THE PORTAL–BETTER THAN NOTHING, MAYBE?
>TRY TO CARRY ONE OUT!
>MERCY KILL THEM. THEY DON’T DESERVE DEATH BY ANGRY PARASITE…
>WRITE-IN!

>>5776803
>LEAVE ‘EM–IT’S TOO LATE!
Sorry, dudes...

>>5776803
>>LEAVE ‘EM–IT’S TOO LATE!

>>5776803
>LEAVE ‘EM–IT’S TOO LATE!

Poor guys, but nothing short of Disiel's garlic infused blood could save them now.

>>5776803
>LEAVE ‘EM–IT’S TOO LATE!
We wouldn’t be able to save them even if we could carry them out of here. It’d take too long to get them to a cure.

>>5776830
>>5776832
>>5776850
>>5776859
>LEAVE 'EM!
Writing what will probably be the last update of the night!

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Your gaze lingers on the scientists as their innards are slowly mangled by their parasite’s death throes… they don’t shout or whine in their anguish, but it’s clear as day that they feel what’s happening to them…

But it’s not that you see yourself and what could have been in their curled up forms that gets you, no… It’s the fact that despite all you’ve accomplished, all you’ve survived tonight… you know you can’t ferry them all to safety.

“It’s too late for them, Diesel…” Adds Pepper as she gives your shoulder a gentle squeeze, “We’ve… we’ve gotta go.”

“You’ve saved more people than you realize tonight, kid,” Adds Chuck as he leads the way through the airlock, “But take it from me: you can’t always bring everyone back.”

Bolstered by their words, you give your… brothers... one last glance before following Chuck through the LOCKER ROOM. You scarcely pass the first set of lockers before the whole facility QUAKES with some kind of internal explosion–one that reminds you that you’re not safe yet!

“MOVE!” Roars Chuck as he gestures towards the door far across the shredded catwalk ahead, “No time to take pictures!”

The pit below bellows steam as arcs of electricity climb the walls around you! The cool, sterile atmosphere of the lab is swiftly replaced by the scent of burning electronics as the temperature rises around you and assaults your already-fatigued body with a rush of hot, damp air!

Some unlucky slashers are still writhing on the ground as you prepare to hopscotch across the remaining catwalk skeleton–others barely react as they tumble into the glowing, hissing abyss below!

Stepping aside for you, the groundskeeper adjusts his grasp on the still-comatose Raj on his back!

“Just don’t look down, kid! Lead the way!”

>ROLL ME 3d100 TO MIND THE GAP! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>DIESEL:+0 (+5 SPEED BONUS, -3 TIRED, -2 LOOSE FOOTING)
>PEPPER: -2(-2 LOOSE FOOTING)
>CHUCK: +6(+5 MILITARY TRAINING, +5 I’M ON MY WAY’, LIB… -2 RAJ ON BOARD, -2 LOOSE FOOTING)

Rolled 9, 9, 2 = 20 (3d100)

>>5776923

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>>5776928

Rolled 23, 40, 90 = 153 (3d100)

>>5776923
Last chance to kill Pepper

Rolled 29, 8, 85 = 122 (3d100)

>>5776923

Rolled 32, 91, 59 = 182 (3d100)

>>5776923
To hell with the odds.

>>5776941
Well, we just might at this rate, but Diesel's going down with her.

>>5776962
Is this the moment where PARASITE QUEEN RIVKA comes roaring back out of the portal goop for another round?

>>5776928
>>5776941
>>5776958
ROOOOLS:
>DIESEL: 32!
>PEPPERONI: 38!
>CHUCK, AN OLD VETERAN WITH ANOTHER GODDAMN PERSON ON HIS BACK: 96!
Ha ha time for bad end
Writing!

>>5776989
>implying she doesn't already have another new and exciting plan to SHOW THEM ALL at the ready

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The walkway creaks and sways below your feet as you respond to Chuck with a curt nod! Alright, you fire back, then he’s jumping first!

Sensing that the old man’s about to punch you, you follow up your command with a frantic explanation: this whole damn place is coming down–does he really want to be stranded on this side with Raj if the whole catwalk breaks!?

“... Alright, you’ve got a point.” The groundskeeper grunts as he takes a few steps back from the edge, “Just watch your damn footing!”

With uncharacteristic dexterity for a man his age, Chuck sails across the yawning abyss like a track star in his golden years, and with Raj dangling from his back no less! Watching him land on the other side and effortlessly hop across the chunks of remaining catwalk, both you and Pepper share an impressed nod!

“I almost wanna clap...” She mutters before an explosion behind you rocks the whole chamber! Ducking beneath a squad of armor-clad dolphins and one very large snake in a business suit, it dawns on you both that you don’t really have the luxury of time anymore! Flecks of PORTAL GOO sail through the air around you as you both take a few coordinated steps back!

“Whatever happens,” Pepper sighs as she steadies herself for the jump, “Get the word out. Someone’s gotta pay for all this!”

Oh they WILL, you snarl, and they’re gonna pay with INTEREST, too! Bobbing your heads to the quiet count of three, you run but freeze just as a giant, multicolored EEL passes in front of you!

Crashing through your landing zone and doubling the distance between you, Chuck and Raj, the pointy fish gives you both a cheeky grin as it tumbles into the light show forming below… what a DICK!

Just when you think all is lost, your red-headed companion lights up with renewed, well… Pep!

“WAIT!” Shouts Pepper as she whips around to point behind you, “We can still get across!”

Turning around with her, your weary eyes bug out when you find yourself about to be decked by a massive-

“FRUUUIIIIIITTTT CAAAAAAAART!” Shrieks Raj as he abruptly wakes up on Chuck’s back!

… and gets subsequently punched for the sudden outburst!

>ROLL ME 2d100 TO RIDE THE CART ACROSS! BEST OF 3! BONUSES:
>DIESEL: +6(+5 SPEED BONUS, +3 CHUCK ASSIST, -2 UNSTABLE FOOTING)
>PEPPER:+1 (+3 CHUCK ASSIST, -2 UNSTABLE FOOTING)

Rolled 42, 29 = 71 (2d100)

>>5777929

Rolled 97, 71 = 168 (2d100)

>>5777929
NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1

Rolled 99, 100 = 199 (2d100)

>>5777929

>>5777954
>NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1NAT1
I tried....

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>>5777955
egads!

>>5777955
Holy fucking shit it only took another thread and thirty nat ones in the same amount of time fuck.

How does Bones do a nat 100 on us crossing a gap.

>>5777961
We cross directly into Heaven and ascend to God's side, like Noah's grandpa.

>>5777933
>>5777954
>>5777955
ROLLS:
>DIESEL: 105!
>PEPPER: NAT 100!!!!!!
A small step towards redemption, Red Menace, but a step nonetheless... writing!

>>5777961
I'll find a way, don't worry!

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No time to think–only DO! Grabbing Pepper by the collar, you leap to meet your vitamin-rich vehicle and firmly grasp one of its wooden handles mid-flight!

Propelled by otherworldly energy and quite possibly FRUIT MAGIC, the FRUUUUU- whoops, terribly sorry, FRUIT CART easily carries you across the gap like a flying carpet! It’s only after you land with a resounding CLANG on the other side do you realize how fortunate you are…

Pepper, you sputter in disbelief, this thing’s STILL MOVING!

https://youtu.be/cyIYD4JDLfQ

Propelled by a quartet of rickety wheels and the juice of dozens of its crushed wares, the FRUIT CART glides across the ground at exponentially-increasing speed! Not wanting to leave anyone behind, you yank Chuck onboard as you rush by and by extension collect Raj too!

“Woah…” Observes the still-drowsy skater as he watches the lab crumble around you, “Am… is this a dream?”

Nope, you reply as you do your best to steer the cart towards the exit, so don’t even THINK of passing out again!

“Aight, cool!”

While you’re happy to see Raj getting excited, it takes all of your effort and coordination to keep this damn thing on track! Luckily the sea of dead slashers make for good floor lube… especially when the cart mulches them on impact!

Skidding around the corner and weaving between chunks of falling ceiling like a street racer, the ride gets a LOT bumpier as the walls around you warp and split open like future chic bananas! Buffeted by muffled, but still pretty strong explosions, the heat around you becomes sweltering as you see your APC’S charred remains… along with THE EXIT!

“Almost there!” Remarks Raj as he gives you a spirited slap on the back, “Just as long as nothing bad ha-”

The skater is abruptly cut off by the flash of a blinding light behind you.

Followed by the biggest BOOM you’ve ever heard in your short, but sweet life!

White-knuckling the cart with one hand and clasping Pepper’s in the other, the four of you hang on as tight as you can as a wave of energy hits your back like an invisible sledgehammer!

Your scream is barely audible over the blast as you feel the cart lurch forward beneath you!

>CONTD.

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>>5778054
It takes your brain a few seconds to catch up, but when you return to the present you could swear you were flying!

A crisp, rejuvenating dew washes your sweaty, ash-covered face as a scant few sun rays poke through the clouds above and warm your still-damp clothes. Like a comedian that’s told a few too many flops, the storm begrudgingly shuffles away to welcome the morning… and you!

Always the first to react, Raj stands up on the FRUIT CART pumping his fists and cheering like a wrestling match spectator–his enthusiasm and relief are, as much as you hate to admit it, pretty infectious!

“Git DOWN, ya’ moron!” Chides Chuck as he shoves the skater back onto the cart while trying and failing to hide a faint smile, “Kids…”

Pepper, on the other hand, is like a girl riding a pony for the first time–her eyes radiating like sapphires in the morning sun with childlike mirth and wonder gleaming off of them! Turning to meet your stare, the girl gives you a smile that rivals the sun in its warmth… one that you can’t help but return!

As it is wont to do, however, gravity shows up to crash the party. LITERALLY. Landing on the green of HOLE 18 with a definitive ‘FWOMP’, your trusty FRUIT CART does what any rickety wooden construction would do after falling for a good three small paragraphs:

Smashes apart.

Landing on the polished grass with a synchronized ‘OOOF!’, you and your erstwhile companions lay where you land for a few moments as one of the cart’s wheels rolls for a few more feet before falling flat next to a long-dead slasher’s corpse.

The grass is damp. Itchy. You can even smell some smoke from the lab below poking through it, but right now it’s the most comfortable bed you’ve ever laid on…

And if anyone’s deserved a moment’s rest around here, it’s you.

Not to mention the mother of all tips.

What do?
>ROLL OVER TO RAJ FOR A MOMENT!
>POP OVER TO PEPPER!
>CHECK UP ON CHUCK!
>JUST LAY DOWN FOR A SECOND… YOU CAN FIND MINA AND THE OTHERS AFTER! (SKIP FORWARD A BIT)
>WRITE-IN!

>>5778056
>POP OVER TO PEPPER!
Everyone knows after an action-hero survives an explosion, his bestgirl takes priority. Sorry, Raj ol' buddy.

>>5778056
>>POP OVER TO PEPPER!

>>5778056
>POP OVER TO PEPPER!
“Do you do think kind of stuff often?”

>>5778060
>>5778063
>>5778069
>POP OVER TO PEPPER!
Sorry, all, this Saturday suddenly got real busy... update will probably happen a little bit later today in the PST. Until then just assume I'm writing a REAL big update!

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The faint tones of birdsong greet the approaching dawn as you roll like a tumbleweed over to Pepper’s side and find the girl with her arm and legs spread out across the grass. Blissfully taking in the sunlight, your stalwart partner looks your way as you approach with that classic smug grin of hers on her face!

“Hey you...” She smiles, lifting her head so you can loop your arm under her neck like a pillow.

Hey yourself, you reply with a smirk of your own! So… does she do this kind of stuff often?

“Oh yea, absolutely...” She giggles, rolling her eyes as she adds in a facetious derisive scoff for good measure, “Uncovering the truth, thwarting evil plots, flirting with death, swashbuckling from dusk til’ dawn, and getting the boy… yep, in my line of work we call that Tuesday, chief.”

Rubbing her cheek against your shoulder, the girl raises a quizzical eyebrow your way as uncertainty begins to cloud her face.

“... I uh… I did... get the boy… right?”

You respond with a playful shrug as you reach over and give her hair a tousle. Depends… did you get the girl?

“Hell yea you did, sandcrab.” She purrs as the worry in her face quickly fades, “And as happy as I am that they’re both alive,” the redhead continues as she glances over to Raj and Chuck, the former making a ‘Grass Angel’, the latter debating whether he wants to stick around or not, “If present company wasn’t around, well... you’d definitely be getting the girl right now…”

Rolling over to trace her finger along your sternum, the girl lets out a blissful sigh as she opts to flop back against your arm. “... but this reporter has a hunch that you’re gonna be real busy in the next few hours… bein’ the big HERO and all…”

Yea, well, you reply, adding in your own sigh for good measure, nothing wrong with taking a short break, is there?

“Not. A.t All.” Pepper nods in assent as she gives your cheek a gentle kiss, “And I’m a patient gal, y’know…”

Right, you snort, that’s why she ran off by herself to an abandoned mine, right? Truly a paragon of self-control!

“Shaddap, you…” She groans, giving the side of your leg a playful kick! OW!

>CONTD.

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>>5778603
“So… where do you think she went anyways?”

You knew Pepper would bring this up… you dunno, you groan as you shield your eyes from the increasing intensity of the sun, but Rivka’s gone for now, right?

“For now, yea…” Nods the redhead before a contrite expression forms on her face, “... sorry… I ruined the moment, didn’t I?”

It’s a good question, you shrug, and besides–nothing could ruin this moment for you, you add as you give the girl’s head a peck, Nothing.

“Pfft, not even, like, a truckload of BOOGERS falling on us?” She snickers, eliciting an annoyed groan out of you! “Or wait… what about a GIANT PINEAPPLE PIZ-”

Alright, ALRIGHT, you relent, those would definitely ruin it, okay? She wins!

“Ah-ah-aaaah~” Pepper counters as she covers your mouth with a finger, “We’re a team, remember? So we both win!”

Your irritation gives way to confusion. Doesn’t that mean we both lose too?

“Guess it does…” Pouts the girl as she kicks her legs in the air, “Always the overanalyzer, Mr. Crash…”

SHE’S the reporter! That’s her job!

“Stoooop…” The reporter grumbles as she wraps her arm around you and spoons your side, “Enjoy the moment~”

SHE’S the one that ruined it!

Pepper doesn’t respond. Playing around or not, the girl looks tired--like a crunchy little leaf barely hanging onto a tree branch in a storm.

Anything else you bring up?
>WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON DOING NEXT?
>HOW’S HER ARM… OR LACK THEREOF? IS IT OKAY?
>YOU’RE STILL GONNA DRAG HAUSER PHARM THROUGH THE MUD, HUH?
>ABOUT US…
>THANKS AGAIN, PEPPER…
>JUST LAY THERE FOR A WHILE LONGER BEFORE MOVING ON!
>WRITE-IN!

>>5778605
>JUST LAY THERE FOR A WHILE LONGER BEFORE MOVING ON!
The rest can wait for when the adrenaline dies down and life gets back to normal. We should probably tell her about that mermaid someday, too... Which means she's probably going to want to go hunting for evidence so she can, in her own special Pepper-y way, SHOW THEM ALL that she wasn't crazy all this time.

But, yeah. That can wait.

>>5778605
>>JUST LAY THERE FOR A WHILE LONGER BEFORE MOVING ON!

>>5778605
>HOW’S HER ARM… OR LACK THEREOF? IS IT OKAY?

>>5778605
>HOW’S HER ARM… OR LACK THEREOF? IS IT OKAY?

>>5778894
I realize I have caused a tie. Switch my vote if it takes too long.

>>5778896
I'm not averse to asking about her arm, so count me in for that as well if you'd like, QM, rather than making this anon forgot the vote.

>>5778605

>>5778661
>JUST CHILL AND MOVE ON IN A BIT!
>>5778817
>>5778894
>>5778924
>HOW'S THE ARM?
Writing!

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So, you begin, trying your best not to jostle Pepper from the COMFY ZONE, how’s her, uh… arm, anyways?

Or, y’know, lack thereof, you hastily add when the girl’s half-lidded eyes form into a glare!

“Well, sandcrab,” she sighs as she unenthusiastically flaps your TRENDY TRACK JACKET’s sleeve around a few times, “It’s not fantastic… it still hurts like heck, I can still feel my arm every now and then, and my ability to play the piano is gonna get way worse than it was…”

You blink. She plays the piano?

“Not at all, but if I tried now it’d be a whole lot harder, wouldn’t it?” Grins the redhead. You don’t laugh.

“... spoilsport…” She grumbles as she gives her sleeve another wag, “All jokes aside, yea, it sucks… but considering the alternatives and everyone that GOT alternative’d tonight, well…” Pepper pauses to let out a long, weary breath. “I’m… I’m really just glad I’m here with you, Diesel… even if I’m not in one piece.”

Yea, you nod as that moment back in the mine lab creeps into your thoughts, you are too.

Pepper continues to pout, however. In an endearing way, thank god. “Writing’s gonna be a real pain in the butt, though… so will brushing my teeth… putting on a bra…”

You’re totally on-board if she ever needs help with any of those, you interject with a cheeky grin!

“D’awww, that’s so sweet of you to offer!” She chirps as the energy returns to her voice! “I’ve always wanted to dictate a full-length article to someone… you’re the best, sandcrab!”

It’s a curse is what it is… being so nice to these wicked girls you keep running into… letting the Red Menace continue to burrow into your side, you debate asking her about how she lost her arm now that you’re safe… but you quickly and quietly reconsider when you hear the faint sound of a snore creep out from Pepper’s mouth…

Guess the twelve cups of coffee she drank finally wore off, huh?

You give her a few minutes of peace before contemplating wriggling away–the other survivors are gonna want to know how you did… or if they should start swimming. Not to mention Chuck and Raj are still here too!

What do?
>WAKE PEPPER UP AND ASK HER ONE MORE THING!
>ROLL OVER TO RAJ!
>CHECK IN ON CHUCK!
>CALL THE OTHERS… THEY COULD USE SOME GOOD NEWS!
>WRITE-IN!