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>>5802571
>Stay inside and browse /tg/ instead to learn more about wizards
why the fuck wouldn't we want to become a wizard? Wizards are awesome.

>>5802571
>>Stay inside and browse /tg/ instead to learn more about wizards

>>5802571
>Stay inside and browse /tg/ instead to learn more about wizards

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You decide to browse /tg/ to learn about all the cool wizard powers you will gain tomorrow. Let's face it - you weren't going to have sex anyway. Midnight arrives and a magic hat appears on your head! What will you do now?
>Go outside to try out your new powers
>Keep browsing 4chan

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>>5802587
YES

Now... every wizard needs a familiar. I say we get a Pseudodragon.

>>5802587
>go outside
Incredible gassy may come for us soon. Our odds against against the freaky farter with the fluoride stare improve greatly if we’re outside where his farts can be diffused and blown away by the wind

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You summon a small dragon using your wizard powers and it becomes your familiar. You name him Pepenax. Now that you are prepared for adventure, you journey OUTSIDE.
The way is blocked by a GIGACHAD. "Hey Chud, that's a cool dog. I'm looking for my car, have you seen it?"
>Sorry Chad, I haven't seen your car. I'll let you know if I find it.
>Chad, can you teach me how to be successful with women?
>The beta uprising starts now. Cast FIREBALL!

>>5802609
>Cast Penis Explosion
Your dickmaxxing days are over

>>5802610
>Have you checked your pants Chad?
>Car appears out of dick

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"Oh, ooh, ow, what's happening? Oh my!"

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"Oh wow, my car! Thanks Chud, that was an amazing magic trick! You should come to my party next week, there will be lots of girls. Anyway catch you later."

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The way is blocked by a roastie. She says "Hello, I am looking for a husband who is a virgin like myself and wants a traditional marriage. My hobbies are playing video games and saying racial slurs on the internet, and I want to have plenty of children to save the white race. I don't care about looks other than that."
>"I saw Gigachad over that way, maybe he will like you. Bye."
>She is trying to rob you of your wizard powers. Turn her into a frog!

>>5802629
>>"I saw Gigachad over that way, maybe he will like you. Bye."

>>5802629
>"I saw Gigachad over that way, maybe he will like you. Bye."

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You pass the roastie safely. The way is blocked by a hostile HORMONE WIZARD.
>Cast ENTANGLE!
>"Get out of my way tranny, before I send you to the 41% realm."

>>5802648
>>Cast ENTANGLE!

>>5802648
>Cast ENTANGLE!
gem

>>5802648
Cast “greater disjunction” to dispel magic cast on him and ensure that he’s not being controlled by some malevolent entity. Don’t want the lad to get hurt if he’s being mind controlled.

>>5802648
>Polymorph xir into a real girl.

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"ACK!"
You cast ENTANGLE and defeat the HORMONE WIZARD, though the wizard casts ATRAZINE at you first. The spell misses you, but strikes Pepenax.

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Pepenax has been turned GAY. What will you do now?
>Vanquish the degenerate sodomite.
>Accept him for who he is.
>Go to church and try to find a cure.
>Go to Gigachad and try to find a cure.

>>5802957
It's clearly a magical effect so Dispel Magic should be enough, maybe Remove Curse.

And maybe just unsummoning and summoning him again should be enough.

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>>5802957
>Go to church and try to find a cure.

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You try to remove the curse yourself, but the magic is too powerful for a novice wizard. You begin walking towards the CHURCH.
The way is blocked by a LARD ELEMENTAL.
>Cast SHRINK!
>Appease the elemental with an offering of food.
>Turn back.

>>5803071
>Cast SHRINK!
Remove thyself, obstacle!

>>5803071
>Cast COMPULSE on the lard elemental
Make it browse /fit/ either it starts excercising and becomes a human being (which would hopefully make it leave fit, eventually) or will delude itself thinking it mogs people until its eventual suicide.
Win-win

>>5803071
>>Cast SHRINK!

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You cast SHRINK on the elemental and it becomes much smaller. You then COMPULSE it to browse slightly homoerotic imageboards in pursuit of health. You pass the elemental safely and arrive at the CHURCH.

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Uh oh.

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You head towards a different CHURCH. The way is blocked by a mighty beast.
>Cast FIREBALL!
>Summon an offering so that it lets you pass.

>>5803092
>Summon an offering so that it lets you pass.
He could easily counter a fireball with the CUMTHROWER spell, we need to concede

>>5803092
>Summon an offering so that it lets you pass.
Look at its arm, there's no way we can wrestle that.

>>5803092
>Summon an offering so that it lets you pass.
a doujin oughta do it

>>5803092
>>Summon an offering so that it lets you pass.

>>5803092
>Give the coomer the gay familiar
No coomer would pass up a bad dragon, and we solve two problems with one stone.

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You summon a gift basket for the beast. It is thankful, and in return teaches you a new spell, CUMBLAST, and allows you to pass. You reach the doors of the other CHURCH.

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Inside the church you find a PRIEST. You explain the curse that has been placed on Pepenax and ask him to help lift it. He says that you should pray with him. Together you start to pray the gay away. It doesn't seem to have worked yet.
>Pray harder
>Leave

>>5803266
>Pray HARDER
Longer even

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You pray as long and hard as you can, and someone appears behind you. It is the powerful Soothsayer Alex Jones. "I have been sent by God with the cure to gay dragons." he says. "It is a pill you can buy from me for $100."
>Buy the pill for Pepenax.
>I already donated all of my money to Donald Trump.
>Cast CUMBLAST on Alex Jones.

>>5803272
>I already donated all of my money to Donald Trump.

>>5803272
DONated

>>5803272
>>I already donated all of my money to Donald Trump.

>>5803272
>>I already donated all of my money to Donald Trump.
away with ye tinfoil man

>>5803272
>Ask what the pill contains

>>5803272
>>Cast CUMBLAST on Alex Jones.

>I already donated all of my money to Donald Trump.

Take mineralised bone matter add stirfry

>>5803272
>buy the pill

>Cast CUMBLAST on Alex Jones.

>Alex Jones reacts by evasion through astral projection, his body might be unusable in a homosexual gay porn (you cant see)

>>5803272
>Buy the pill for Pepenax.

This is great when will it continue.

I have been travelling, sorry

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You spill your heart to Alex Jones, telling him that you cannot afford to pay $100 because you already gave everything you could to help stop the Democrats from stealing the election. The soothsayer is moved by your devotion to the based side and offers to give you a discount. The cure will only cost $99.95 for you.
"But I still can't afford that." you say.
"Oh well, tough shit." the wise one replies.

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You leave the church and wander aimlessly. The way is blocked by a band of GOBLINS.
>Cast FIREBALL
>Cast CUMBLAST
>Negotiate

>>5814473
>Cast CUMBLAST
Time to test our new spell.

>>5814473
>Cast CUMBLAST

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"we be bussin fr big L bozo no bitches zero rizz no cap"
You attempt to communicate with the GOBLINS to negotiate safe passage, but their goblin speech is unintelligible. You give up and cast CUMBLAST at them and they are splattered in magical ectoplasm. They aren't harmed, but the sticky ectoplasm gets in their hair and they flee.

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You arrive at GIGACHAD's house, with his signature pussy wagon parked out the front. Looks like that party he invited you to is starting.
>Enter
>Keep walking

>>5815852
>>Enter

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"Hey Chud, glad you could make it."

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"Haha check it out, your dog is humping my leg. Come this way, I'll introduce you to the guests."

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"Everyone, this is Chud. Chud, this is Jemima, Polly, and Stacy."
>Talk to Jemima.
>Talk to Polly.
>Talk to Stacy.
>Cast a spell.

>>5820909
>Talk to Stacy.
We can get laid without losing our wizard powers, right?

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You approach STACY.
>Hi Stacy, can you please have sex with me?
>Let me tell you about the Jews.
>Would you like to see a magic trick?

>>5822411
>Let me tell you about the Jews.

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"...and that's how they use the media to brainwash white people into trooning out, which lowers the birth rates for the replacement I told you about before."
"Haha that's so funny! You really know a lot about Star Wars. My favorite was the one where they went to the casino, it was so funny."
>Can we have sex now?
>I have to go.
>Normie bitch! (Attack)

>>5823850
>Can we have sex now?

>>5823850
>Can we have sex now?

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"Haha OMG, you want to have sex? Like, EWWWWW! Haha, sorry Chud but you're just too ugly for me, OMG!"
You run out crying and leave the party.

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You continue along the path outside and encounter a being of great power.
"I have been watching your journey, based one. You have travelled far to find me. To fulfill your destiny, I will grant you one power. You must choose between the power to transform yourself into that which you have always desired to be, or to save the one you care about from the curse that afflicts him."
>Choose the power to make yourself into a Chad.
>Choose the power to cure Pepenax of his gayness.

>>5824705
>Choose the power to make yourself into a Chad.
That'll show Stacey!

>>5824705
>Choose the power to cure Pepenax of his gayness.

>>5824705
>>Choose the power to make yourself into a Chad.

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"You have chosen wisely."
The being imbues you with power.

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You feel the new magic coursing through your body, and you shape yourself into your new form. With your godlike physique completed, you return to Gigachad's house.

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"Hey Stacy, now will you have sex with me?"
"Oh wow, Chud is that you? You look so much better. Okay, teehee, let's find a bedroom."

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Looks like this room is taken. You go to the next bedroom.

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...

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You awaken in a different room to the one you fell asleep in. You feel different. You don't feel any magic within you anymore. Stacy looks different. You look different.
"Good morning husband, time to get up. We need to get the kids ready for school."

THE END

>>5826268
Weirdly good for what should've been an obvious shitpost. Good job OP, thanks for running. *clap clap*

>>5826268
NO! WE WERE FOOLS!
But a good quest. Good job, QM!

>>5826268
Good end. Great job on the shitpost quest OP. Was very fun.

>>5826272
>>5826381
>>5826393
Thanks for playing!

>>5827431
No thank you for running