>>5855084

"So... what's your family like?" Cylia asks.

She's sitting across from you at the mess table, with her helmet on the floor beside her.

You look down at the photos in your hands. Of your mom, your sis, and your younger brother.
The photo albums in your house were amongst the things taken, so your sister Sam probably came over at some point after you disappeared.

Last you heard, she was working as management for some korean TV manufacturer.

"David?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. Was in my own head there a little bit. Let's see... uh, well. Mom is mom. She's always been a little nuts. Mental health record isn't so good on either side of my family, so..."

"You don't say." Kyla interjects, her mouth full of egg and cheese sandwich.

"Yeah." You sigh. "Usually either a genius with a government contract or a total psycho, probably drunk and/or addicted to drugs. Not a whole lot of inbetween."

"So which category do you fall into?" Kyla asks.

"I don't feel like a genius, that's for damned sure. But i definitely had a government contract... so i guess i'm the exception to the rule."

Kyla and Cylia share a look between eachother.

"Is he not a genius?" Cylia asks in a whisper, as if you can't plainly hear her.

"I can't tell. Maybe? But he's a dumbass either way. All i can say is his ideas all involve caveman technology, but they usually work." Kyla replies, again in a whisper.

"I can hear you, you know."

"We know."
"We know."

"Great, just checking." You say, clearing your throat. "So, anyways. Mom was nuts, but she did her best to take care of us after dad died. Cancer, you see."

"He died from cancer...?" Kyla asks, seeming genuinely confused.

"Yeah. We still haven't managed to cure it here. It's how a lot of people end up going, especially in their old age, or if they're stuck working with harsh chemicals..."

"I always heard cancer was easy to treat in most species." Cylia adds.

"Well, how nice for y'all. Unfortunately, we have a lot of trouble with it. Anyhow, mom worked herself half to death for us. Two jobs a lot of times, really broke her down...
She was finally able to retire after me and sis grew up enough to support the family, but kept working part time till she was seventy. Hopefully she's still around."

"Don't worry, hon. I'm sure... oh. Right."

Kyla stops herself mid-sentence.

"I forgot, humans are an unmodified species." She mumbles.

Yeah, and mom's a heavy smoker. Her whole life has been rough on her body, and she wasn't in the best shape when you saw her last, so...
You force yourself to quit thinking about it and move right along.

"And my sister, well, she worked just as hard. Managed to put herself through college while working a part time job, got herself a management position at some company."

"What's that?" Cylia asks. "College, i mean."

"Oh. It's an education program. Expensive as hell, but you you need to do it if you anyone to even look at you for a job these days. Unless it's trade work, i suppose."

>>5855085
yeah even then college and trade work isnt for some people, so they go into the military. or just work as wagies.

I wonder if Earth cancer is worse than regular space cancer.

>>5855376
doubt it. ¿Do you have access to viruses and nanomachines that modify the overexpressed genes in your body?

We can deal with this two ways, one being dumb and idealistic and another being real and practical. Kind of einstein v/s von neumman guess which one looked good in pictures and spoke to the press

The good idea is that we mess with the gonads of our species and neuter our proto-oncogenes. I don't want to REMOVE stuff because we DO NOT HAVE USELESS DNA IT'S A MEME CREATED BY THE UNEDUCATED!!!! This way, the first important gene mod is to simply remove cancer from our species.
We have to do something about our inmune system, because every white cell is a sly marbo and when they don't have nothing to do they go lupus. Since we lived for so long among disenteria, hepatitis, salmonella, etc... our white cells now have nothing to do in comparison (a prositive tradeoff I dare say, I like to wash my hands). How do we keep our inmune system entertained? Do we hmm... we have plenty symbiotic bacteria but... hmm... how about some photosyntetic bio-films in our skin? Metallic Archaea, big boss

>>5855521
I'm sure 'Our immune system was bored, so we decided to make it everyone ELSE's problem' will go over well in the galactic community.

>>5856028
if anything, learning how the aliens managed to "tame" their immune system would help us a lot in the long run

>>5856028
>you created a deadly bioweapon and spread it amongst your population to "keep them honest"?!
>it's just a flu man, chill out

>>5855085
> Last you heard, she was working as management for some korean TV manufacturer.
I was once told that Samsung fires 25% of their Vice Presidents every year as company policy, so good luck to her.

>>5855085
"Such as?" Kyla asks.

"Working with your hands, mostly. I worked at a body shop myself after i got out of the military. Them boys don't care about no fancy learnin' papers, long as you can weld straight and spin a wrench."

"You are pretty good with a sonicator, now that i think about it." Kyla admits.

"Had to be. Shit breaks down on a farm, you're the only one who can fix it... and if you can't, you'd better learn how. Wasn't no different out in the desert either. Military grade pieces of shit."

"Who's the little one in that image, though?" Cylia asks. "Was it you?"

"...Nah, that's one of my brothers. I was the oldest of all my siblings, learned all my mistakes the hard way, you know."

Stare at the image for a moment longer before turning it over and setting it face-down on the table.

"I'm not on such good terms with any of my brothers anymore. They're probably glad to think i'm dead." You continue.

"Oh... well, i'm sorry to hear that." Cylia says, consoling you.

"Don't worry about it, Cyl. All in the past, now. We don't worry about those fuckers anymore."

Cylia clearly wants to ask more, but thinks better of it based on your tone.

It doesn't take long to reach the last known location of your mother and sister, who were living together in order to save on rent, and so that Sam could take care of her in her old age.
A small, slightly run-down rental home just off the highway, close enough to the road that Sam could get a DSL connection and work remotely.

You land the ship some distance away on a patch of dirt in a field, to avoid another fire, then walk the remaining distance to the house.

When you knock on the door, your sister isn't the one to answer. Instead, it's an old man shakily wielding a double-barreled shotgun.

"...Uh, is Samantha Rockefeller still living here?" You ask, looking down at him.

He looks you over, still wearing your armor, and shakes his head.

"Sorry, fella. She moved out nigh-on two years ago. She in some kinda trouble?"

"Oh, nah. Not at all. I'm her brother, actually. Do you know if her number is still the same as it was?"

The old man thinks about it for a moment, before denying that he knows anything at all and closes the door on you.
Well, you guess you should expect that. If you knew her number you wouldn't normally need to ask if it's still the same.

Plus your whacked out outfit, who knows what you're up to.

But now you know at least, she's moved since you've been gone.
The easiest way to find her would be to call and ask where she is, but you don't have a phone.

...Maybe look her up on facebook or LinkedIn or something? You doubt she'd respond to an email though.

>Have SHODAN crawl the web for information. Maybe she can find out where your sister is staying.
>Fab up a few quarters and look for a payphone. This place is stuck in time enough that there are a few around.
>You know she was friends with one of the girls at the "Home of Sliced Bread". Maybe she'll know.
>Write-In?

>>5856371
>>Have SHODAN crawl the web for information. Maybe she can find out where your sister is staying.
>>Fab up a few quarters and look for a payphone. This place is stuck in time enough that there are a few around.
Both, also when we meet them we should probably take our armor off, our skinsuit should be ha e decent soft armor if we need it for family reunions

>>5856371
>Remove your armor.
>Fab up some quarters and a bunch of cash, look for a payphone.

>Have SHODAN crawl the web for information. Maybe she can find out where your sister is staying.
>Fab up a few quarters and look for a payphone. This place is stuck in time enough that there are a few around.

>>5856371
Ask SHODAN to go over the Internet.

>>5856461
+1

>>5856461
>+1

>>5856371
>>Payphone option
So we can smash it after getting pissed off.

>>5856371
>Fab up a few quarters and look for a payphone. This place is stuck in time enough that there are a few around.

>>5856371
>Have SHODAN crawl the web for information. Maybe she can find out where your sister is staying.
>You know she was friends with one of the girls at the "Home of Sliced Bread". Maybe she'll know.

>>5856371

Sighing out, you turn over your wrist and speak into your holowatch while walking back to the ship.

"SHODAN, can you crawl the web a bit and see if you can find my sister's phone number or address? I'll give you the relevant information..."

Once you get back to the airlock, you notice that there was no pressure cycle.
It seems that SHODAN has equalized the ship's pressure, but reduced the oxygen concentration inside so that it's safe for your crew.

You head to the workshop and find Kyla hard at work at a terminal, drafting up something or other on a terminal.
She's not good at using the direct brain interface for the fab, unfortunately.

"Hey, hon. Any luck with your sister?" She calls out, not looking away from her computer.

"Fraid not. Seems like she's moved house, but it shouldn't take long to find her. Just need to print something real quick..."

Pulling the brain interface helmet out, you plop it onto your head and start to imagine what you need. It's a rough quarter, missing some of the details... been a few years since you've held one, you know.
But for the purposes of a damned payphone, it'll do. Maybe you'll buy yourself a gumball, too.

The fab hums to life as it rapidly spits out a few quarters, made out of simple iron with a shiny nickel plating. They're still warm to the touch when you pull them out.

"Damn." Kyla cusses. "I'm still jealous, every time i see that."

"What?"

"Using the fab, just with your mind. It would take me at least fifteen minutes to design that little coin. So freaky that you can just do it like that... but i wish i could do it, too."

"Apparently you can, with enough training. Javan did, and she's a reptile."

"Yeah, and how long did it take her to make one thing? I got a lot of work to do on this ship, you know. Where am i gonna find time for something like that?"

Kyla sighs, and turns back to her computer.

"Oh well." She grumbles. "It's not like i can't get it done with the software here."

...Yeah, you've used software like that before. It takes a while, even if you know what you're doing.

"Sorry, babe. Maybe you'll have some free time once we're on the carrier."

"Maybe. Keeping this thing glued together is the biggest drain, for sure." She sighs.

You're about to leave when you stop, an idea flashing through your mind.
Inconspicuous transport... yeah, flying around in the ship will only get you so far before it causes problems.

You don't have a car, but... what about a bike?

It doesn't take too long. The wheels and frame have to be printed separately because they're a bit big, but Kyla, who got interested in what you were doing, quickly assembles it for you.
After putting the chain, bell and basket on, you ride it through the hall and down the ramp, out of the ship.

Using that bike, you're able to ride a couple miles down the road and to the nearest gas station.
There's still a payphone there, next to the ice machine.

>>5857955
That’s one sturdy bike to hold us in our power armor

>>5857994
Carbon fiber frame, baby.
They don't make huffies like this.

>>5858027
Oof, carbon fiber frames are fucking expensive. Nice to be able to just 3D print it with magical space tech.

File: Spoiler Image (6 KB, 304x102)

6 KB PNG

>>5857955
>After putting the chain, bell and basket on,
what
pic RELATED lol

>>5858302
Anon have you never seen a bicycle up close before? Have you never ridden a bike? Anon, did you have a tremendously shut-in and sad childhood? Do you need a hug, anon?

>>5858302
The chain is for making the bike go, the bell is for traffic safety, the basket is for storage space.

>>5858302
And the baseball bat is for hitting cyclists

>>5857955
Kyla would probably dig CAD software and access to patent office blueprints and diagrams.

>>5857955

About halfway to the gas station, you get your bike legs back and start wheelie'ing your way down the road. By the time you arrive, you no longer need the handlebars.
You can't even count how much time you spent biking around as a kid, getting into all sorts of trouble with your 'friends' and then ditching before somebody actually showed up.

Most of your childhood friends are either dead or in jail for illicit drug production, if that says anything.

You slide in next to the payphone and drop the kickstand, having had more fun riding around than you thought you would have.
The payphone doesn't appear to have been used in a dog's age, but when you pick up the receiver it's still perfectly functional, so you drop a few quarters and dial in your sister's number.

It rings a couple of times before you hear "We're sorry, this number is no longer in service..."

Yeah, that was what you were worried about.
If she moved far away, it could be she ended up changing carriers, too.

"Got anything for me, SHODAN?"

["Yes, Captain. I have crawled the various resources you suggested, and discovered your sister's current phone number and e-mail address."]

Great! SHODAN tells you the number, and you quickly punch it in.
It rings several times before going to voicemail.

...Ah, right. Random phone number in the middle of the night, you wouldn't pick up either. You'll have to leave a message.

"...Hey, sis. It's David. Been a while, huh? ...So, some stuff went down, and i haven't been able to contact anyone for a while. But i'm still alive, i promise. Send me an email, let's get back in touch. Love you."

Alright. She knows your email address, and you should be able to just log into it from the ship. That'll get you back in contact with her, but she probably won't respond right away.
However, doing something this basic has brought it to your attention that you are woefully unequipped to function in human society right now.

No transport, no phone, no cash or card.

It may quite possibly be a good idea to solve those issues before you go around trying to do much of anything.

>A bike is good, but a motorcycle would be much better. It'll take a while to fab out, so you should head back to the ship for the night.
>...Money solves everything, right? This gas station is still open. If you go fab out some proper change with the actual designs on them, you could change it for cash, then fab that out, too.
>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.
>Write-In?

>>5858777
>>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.
Yeah, counterfeit goods are just gonna be a pain in the ass for somebody eventually. Besides, we have a good surplus of precious metals, right?

>>5858781
Tons. Precious metals aren't quite so precious in space, particularly on an asteroid mining station.

>Write-In?
>Is it possible to change faces something like synth skin or something?
>...Money solves everything, right? This gas station is still open. If you go fab out some proper change with the actual designs on them, you could change it for cash, then fab that out, too.

>>5858842
You could do that, but there's no hiding the fact that you're 6'3 and shredded.

>>5858777
>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.

>>5858777
>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.

>>5858777
>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.
Also, nice digits.

>>5858777
>>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.

Is it time for a special Hannukuh episode of HFY?

>>5858777
>>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.

>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.

How advanced are our nano-fabs? We can't be spitting out 100% pure metals to sell since humanity can only achieve 99.999% pure with current technology.

>>5859299
as if the gold buyer will care. that's a problem for him to solve

>>5859299
It'll be no problem to add some trace metals.
If you have some samples, you can even adjust the trace to suggest it came from one particular mine or another.

But that doesn't really matter when it comes to hocking a few pieces to some shithead for a terrible deal.

>>5859305
>But that doesn't really matter when it comes to hocking a few pieces to some shithead for a terrible deal
If we get the chance to roll to haggle these shitheads, I'm going for it.

>>5858777
>You'd rather have real cash than leave a trail of counterfit bills. You should fab out some gold and platinum bullion and take it to one of those cheap-ass gold buyers.
No real reason to do fake money if we can make actual money just as easily.


>Most of your childhood friends are either dead or in jail for illicit drug production, if that says anything.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iNbnineUCI
This song hits different nowadays.

An electric scooter may be gay, but it should be a very simple and fast print. A little touch of spacer tech should give it more power and range too spacer tech should be kept on David, either via a port connecting the scooter to a port on David or some sort of wireless charging off of a device on David, as not to have it fall into the wrong hands if the scooter were to walk off.

>>5858777

You decide that while printing money would be convenient (god knows the government thinks so), simply having real money is going to cause you a lot less problems in the end.
Taking your bike back to the ship, you head back to the workshop and dig out some fat blocks of solid gold and silver from storage.

You loaded up a little heavy on precious metals before leaving for earth, since you foresaw this kind of issue.
Kyla turns around from her computer when she notices you digging through the crates labeled "hazardous materials".

"Hon, what are you doing over there?" She asks.

You hold up a big steel flask full of liquid metal, weighing some fifty pounds or so.

"Making jewelry. Why, what's up?" You reply.

"You need mercury to make jewelry?"

"A little bit, yeah. And some cadmium... copper, maybe a little lead..."

"I hope you're not planning on giving that to me."

"Oh, nah. I'm trading it in for cash. Just need a little trace contamination to make it look real, you know. Gold on earth is never 100% pure."

"Just be careful with that stuff, alright big guy? A little cadmium dust goes a long way."

"No worries, no worries." You smile.

...

It doesn't take you long to come up with a few designs. Some simple chains, rings and so-on. Some of them plain, others with diamonds set into them.
All of them are covered in fake little wear marks, scratches and even a bit of grime to make them look old and worn.

You also produce a few novelty coins that are gold plated, but silver on the inside.
Then a few vials of mixed gold power, gold flake, and melted gold drops, with just one or two actual pieces of gold bullion.

A mixed bag from many different sources raises fewer questions.

Once you're done, you put everything away in a bag and stuff it into the basket of your bike.
You're just about to leave when you remember something, and fabricate one last item on the fly.

A playing card, which you tape onto the back wheel of your bike so it makes a ticking noise as the spokes run over it.
Who needs a real motorcycle when you can ride in style, right?

It takes you a while to ride farther into town where the gold shop is, and on the way you get a few honks and waves from truckers impressed by your 'costume'.
Naturally, you wave back. Truckers are good folk, generally speaking.

Now, this being a small town and it being late and night, you wouldn't be shocked if it were closed... but google said the place is open 24/7, and it was right.
There's a bored man sitting behind the counter, barely visible through all the advertisements plastered on the front glass telling you what a good deal you'll get.

He doesn't even notice you ride up into the parking lot, and seems to be completely zoned out watching TV.

>You don't feel like dicking around, just get in and get out.
>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.
>Act a little crazy, see if he buys it. Just for funsies.
>Write-In?

>>5859664
>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.
It'd be odd if we didn't try and get our money's worth, right?

>>5859664
>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.
>Also, take your armor off when you get back to the ship and swap into a concealed plate carrier, the test drive has been fun and probably good for the VI, but if you're going to to buy or rent a vehicle maybe normal duds would work better.

It would be wierd if we didn't.

>>5859672
Naw fuck it, we've already got the shit on. Besides, if anybody asks, we're doing a cosplay thing for our YouTube channel.

>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.

>>5859664
>>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.
>>Also, take your armor off when you get back to the ship and swap into a concealed plate carrier, the test drive has been fun and probably good for the VI, but if you're going to to buy or rent a vehicle maybe normal duds would work better.

100% agree, the less attention there's on us the better, we can have some armour underneath a shirt, but it shouldn't be visible

>>5859664
>>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.

>>5859664
>Act a little crazy, see if he buys it. Just for funsies.

>>5859664
>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.
>Also, take your armor off when you get back to the ship and swap into a concealed plate carrier, the test drive has been fun and probably good for the VI, but if you're going to to buy or rent a vehicle maybe normal duds would work better.

>>5859664
>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.

>>5859664
>See if you can't haggle with him. Just because this gold is worthless to you, don't mean it's actually worthless.
>Also, take your armor off when you get back to the ship and swap into a concealed plate carrier, the test drive has been fun and probably good for the VI, but if you're going to to buy or rent a vehicle maybe normal duds would work better.

>>5859664
wasn't the point of selling gold to have an unconscupicious source of money? which we will blow if we stroll into the shop wearing a power suit?

if we are that overt we might do a heist...
>Haggle

>>5860712
Well we blow it off as trying out our cosplay and then if anybody looks for us? Bam! Lookin for Master Chief when we're walking around in cargoes and t-shirt or whatever we wear as casual clothes.

>>5860900
Up until some faggot takes a pic to upload to reddit, in order to show off our weird cosplay and then we are easier to identify. No need to draw attention

>>5859664

Grabbing your bag, you casually stroll into the building. Once inside, you see that it's no longer just a gold buyer, but appears to have transformed at least halfway into a pawn shop.
You guess updating the signage would cost at least a few dollars, or a couple days of scraping stickers off the windows.

The storeowner's gaze immediately breaks from the TV, and he eyes you up and down while quietly lowering his hand. Doubtless, there's a shotgun under the counter.

"Need something, chief?" He asks.

"Yep, here to sell. Ah, don't mind the outfit. Got a costume party later tonight."

"Uh huh. Show me what you got."

His hand doesn't move from under the counter.
Well, you did come in here holding a sack.

A sack which you set on the counter and start pulling shit out of. He relaxes somewhat when he sees you actually have something to offer.

"The chains and rings are pure, as is the loose powder. The coins are gold plated silver, and i have a couple pieces of bullion... but i'm not sure if i want to sell one or both just yet."

The owner looks over everything you've laid out with scrutiny.

"...Those diamonds or moissanite?" He asks, holding up a ring and looking at the gemstone under the light."

"Diamond, i reckon."

The man pulls out a small tester and presses it's tip against the diamond's surface, finding it to be real.

"Huh, how bout that." He grins. "You mind if i do an acid test on the gold?"

"Sure, go right ahead."

Reaching under the counter, he pulls out a small metal pick and a vial of acid.
Putting a tiny scratch in each of the items, he then applies a single drop of acid. Only the coins react by fizzing.

Seeming satisfied, he nods and placed everything but the coins on a scale. It comes out to one and a half ounces.

"...Alright, i can give you two grand for the gold, cash in hand."

Your eyes narrow. You don't even need to look up the price to tell he's fucking you.

["$2,800 per ounce at the moment, Captain."] SHODAN informs you.

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" You grumble. "If you don't want to take this seriously, i can just sell the shit on ebay and call it a night."

"Look, buddy, if you want to wait a couple weeks for me to send it off for testing, maybe i can get you a better deal, but i'm talking cash in hand. You can walk out of this store right now with two big ones."

You rub your eyes and sigh. "This fuckin' guy." You whisper, plenty loud enough for him to hear.

"No, you look." You continue. "You know as well as i do there's plenty of people in the market right now. If you don't want it, i'm taking my shit and leaving."

"Woah, woah, woah! Hey, come on, you're busting my balls here. I gotta run a business, you know?"

"Really? Cause you act like you're trying to fuck me, and i don't swing that way." You spit.

The man behind the counter sighs and sits back down.

"Hey, times are rough, pal. This place look flooded with customers to you?" He says, waving his arms around.

>>5861123

>I don't see how that's my problem. Maybe you'd have more customers if you gave them a fair price.
>Yeah, i get that, i really do. But you gotta give me a better deal than that, man. I can't be giving away gold like it's candy.
>Hey, let's cut a deal, alright? You give me a fair price and maybe i'll dig up some more out of my collection for you. You need the money, don't you?
>Write-In?

>>5861124
>I don't see how that's my problem. Maybe you'd have more customers if you gave them a fair price.
Two grand isn't even half of what this shit is worth. He's lucky we're not breaking our foot off in his ass right now.

>>5861123
>I can see why, too, if you treat all your customers this way. So let's cut a deal, alright? You give me a fair price and maybe i'll dig up some more out of my collection for you. You need the money, don't you?

>>5861124
>Yeah, i get that, i really do. But you gotta give me a better deal than that, man. I can't be giving away gold like it's candy.
I mean, we had to know that a cash-for-gold place was gonna screw us some, even more so a pawnshop, and he's not wrong about things being kinda dead...but there IS a difference between an acceptable level of fuckery vs. throwing us onto the pinball table.

>>5861123
>Yeah, i get that, i really do. But you gotta give me a better deal than that, man. I can't be giving away gold like it's candy.
But also
>If gold isn't really what you're big on buying right now, what is? Surely there's some damands your trying to meet?

Maybe we fab up a fat stack of copies of Nintendo Classic Consoles or PVS-14s or Carson Pocket Nightvison Viewers or Kansas City Chiefs Jerseys or PS3 Controllers or CB Radios or M40 Gas Masks with 40mm filters or Gucci Loafers or use the fab to recycle trash and scrap metal into tools and boxes of nails or CAT5 cables or HDMI Cords or something?

>>5861161
Or trading cards like Magic the Gathering, Lorcana, or Digimon. Maybe we need to go to the local gaming spot instead.

>>5861124
>>Hey, let's cut a deal, alright? You give me a fair price and maybe i'll dig up some more out of my collection for you. You need the money, don't you?

>>5861124
>>Yeah, i get that, i really do. But you gotta give me a better deal than that, man. I can't be giving away gold like it's candy.
>>Hey, let's cut a deal, alright? You give me a fair price and maybe i'll dig up some more out of my collection for you. You need the money, don't you?
>>Write-In?

>>5861203
You good, anon? Having a little stroke, there?

>>5861124
>Hey, let's cut a deal, alright? You give me a fair price and maybe i'll dig up some more out of my collection for you. You need the money, don't you?

>>5861124
>Yeah, i get that, i really do. But you gotta give me a better deal than that, man. I can't be giving away gold like it's candy.

>>5861124
>I don't see how that's my problem. Maybe you'd have more customers if you gave them a fair price.

>I don't see how that's my problem. Maybe you'd have more customers if you gave them a fair price.

>>5861123

"I get that, man. I really do. But you still gotta give me a fair deal. I can't be giving away gold like it's candy."

"Christ, what do you want out of me?" The man grumbles.

You smack your hands against the glass countertop and lean in on him.

"How about more than half of what they're fuckin' worth, for a start?" You demand.

"Hey, don't get testy with me, bub."

"You don't have any customers because you try to pull shit like this, and you know it. Your business is falling apart, and that's why you're trying to make it up with this pawn shop bullshit. Am i about right?"

"Fuck you pal, i don't need business advice from some crackhead in a halloween costume."

"Do you not?" You ask, waving your arms around at the empty store. "Do you really?"

"...So what? What do you expect me to do?" He sighs.

"It's a small town, man. You might get away with that shit in the city, but you gotta treat people decent here."

"Look, you want a deal on the gold? I'll give you a deal on the gold. Hell, i'll pay you to get out of my shop at this point. What do you want? $2,500?"

"$3,200." You counter.

"You're out of your fuckin' mind."

"That's still seven hundred bucks in your pocket. Do hate money or something?"

"$2,700." He counters.

"$3,100."

"$2,800, final offer." He grumbles, smacking his own hand on the counter this time.

"$3,000, take it or leave it." You reply.

"I said final offer!" He yells.

You sigh. Guys like this, they never learn.
Leaning in closer, you lower your voice and speak to him very calmly and quietly.

"You'll take it for three grand, if you know what's good for you."

The man's eyes widen, and his hand starts to drift back towards the gun under the counter.

"Do you think you're faster than me?" You whisper.

The man's hand stops in place, and he locks eyes with you, unblinking. He doesn't realize it, but he's stopped breathing.
After a few moments he takes a long, slow breath and puts his hands up.

"Fine. Just take it and don't fuckin' come back. I don't want nothing you got to offer." He spits, reaching for the pile of precious metals.

You slam your palm down over his hand, stopping him from scooping them up.

"Gah! What the hell's wrong with you, man?! I said i'd do it!"

Slowly, you pick up the rings one by one and remove the diamonds from them.

"Our deal was for the gold. These diamonds are worth a lot more." You tell him.

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't even try to look you in the eye.
Instead, he just opens a safe behind the counter and silently places a small stack of hundred dollar bills on the counter.

You push the pile of jewelry towards him and take your cash, waving to him on the way out.

"Thank you for your overwhelming kindness and generosity, friend!" You yell back to him.

"Fuck you, prick!" He yells back, as the doors close. He locks the building as you leave.

A quick count reveals that he gave you the three grand you politely asked for, which you fold up and shove into a pouch on your suit.

>>5862197
bet he was a fucking jew

>>5862203
Bet he thinks we're the jew

>>5862214
Jewception

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>>5862230

>>5862214
One of us. One of us. One of us.

>>5862231
Special Hannukah Episode

>>5862231
kek

>>5862197
Dude sounds and behaves like a New York native...

>>5862821
I was imagining him with a brooklyn accent, yeah.

>>5862197

After getting your cash, you make a quick retreat back to the ship while tossing the quite literally worthless diamonds by the roadside.
It hasn't been long and Kyla is still there, working away.

"Back so soon, hon?"

"Yeah, uh... negotiations kinda broke down a little bit. Got my cash, but it's probably best if i strip out of the armor for now."

"Can't help but get into a little trouble, can you?" She mumbles.

Yeah, she's not wrong. It's always been that way, ever since you were a kid.
Things usually work out in the end, though.

You step into your armor's crate and allow the machinery inside to disassemble it.
The air inside the ship is warm compared to the nice, cool environment inside your suit, which is water-cooled.

"So what are you planning to do now?" Kyla asks.

You lay a crisp, hundred dollar bill on the table next to where she's working.

"Scan that into the fab for me, just in case."

"What's this?" She asks, looking it over.

"Paper money. Really hard to copy, normally. I don't plan on doing it either, but you never know."

"Looks flimsy." She notes, setting it aside.

"Yeah, i prefer latinum. Anyways, i'm gonna get dressed and head back out. I need to rent a car... ah. Probably should have a license, too. SHODAN?"

It takes her a second to reply.

["...My apologies, Captain. I was momentarily distracted. Could you repeat your query?"]

"A drivers license. I need you to fab up a convincing fake. And a fresh set of clothes."

["Working on it, Captain."]

Less than thirty seconds later, the fab fires up and spits out a near-perfect copy of your old driver's license, down to the picture from the DMV.
She must have used your own memory of it for that.

A moment later, the fab spits out a pair of sneakers, cargo shorts and a tank top, along with a belt and holster for your 1911.

"Thanks, babe. You know me well."

["You are very welcome, Captain."]

Picking through your clothes, you find something odd amongst them. Tube socks? No, more like pantyhose?

Ah, that's right. The skinsuit is jet black, and covers everything up to your neck, except for your hands and feet.
So if you wear shorts, you'll have black legs. And if you wear a tank top, you'll have black arms.

Kind of weird looking, honestly. So these were made to match the color and texture of your skin.
They feel a little odd, wearing them over the suit... but you'd much rather wear them than have to skin yourself, which is a very unpleasant process.

Once you've got your regular clothes on though, you can't even tell you're wearing a skinsuit underneath.
Well, the suit does bulk you up a bit with all those extra artificial muscle fibers, but you're already pretty swole, so it's not a huge difference.

"Have fun, honeybuns!" Kyla cheers as you leave. She was definitely staring at your ass while you dressed.

God, that's gonna be hard to explain to your family.
Somewhere in the back of your head, you thought you'd never actually make it back...

>>5862868
>["...My apologies, Captain. I was momentarily distracted. Could you repeat your query?"]
i swear she's going to hijack the /v/alhalla tournament with relentless campaigns one day

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>>5862868
Man I wish our replicator was large enough that we could download a car right about now.

>>5862868
She was shit-posting wasn't she.

>>5862868
what's SHODAN's favorite board?

>>5863126
/ck/, /cgl/ & /ss/
She's a fujoshi now.

>>5863454
God i hope not, let us all pray she hates /d/

>>5863471
>Captain I would like to try something I saw on the intern-
>NO!

>>5863392
probrably /qst/ because there is a quest literally about them going on at this very moment.
>>5863471
god help us if she doesnt.

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>>5863479
>Captain I see this doh-jin about 2B and her-
>STAHP RIGHT THERE

>>5862868

It takes you a while to bike through town, but you're pretty sure there was a rental place down by the family center.

On your way through, you pass by a huge trail of bikers passing through town. A few of them laugh and wave at you as they pass by.
You don't recognize this particular gang, but they don't seem like bad folks.

...Goddamn, one of them is absolutely massive. Dude must weigh five hundred pounds, at least.
He's got a custom bike to support his fat ass, and sparks fly from a skidplate at the back as he accelerates.

Things are more lively tonight than you remember them being before.

Anyways, your memory serves you well, and you manage to find the rental place. Unfortunately, it's not open. Looking at the hours on the door, it seems they close at just 4pm.

"Well, shit." You cuss.

The time of day might be good for hiding your flying saucer, but it's terrible for actually getting any business done.
This leaves you with a couple of options for acquiring a ride, some more optimal than others.

>Three grand should be enough to outright buy an old junker off the marketplace. With your fab, you'd have no problem fixing it up.
>Maybe your old buddies at the body shop would lend you something? You did kind of up and disappear on them, though.
>You could just wait until morning and rent something for cheap. It's not like you're in a massive hurry or anything.
>Write-In?

>>5864243
>Fuck it, go gamble at some seedy joint. You can count cards with SHODAN. Turn 3k into something respectable, and then all or nothing it on some biker's tricked out wheels.

>>5864243
If we give our buddies from the body shop access to the nanofab or some random piece of spacertech, they might be willing to overlook the disappearing act.

>You could just wait until morning and rent something for cheap. It's not like you're in a massive hurry or anything.

>>5864243
>>Maybe your old buddies at the body shop would lend you something? You did kind of up and disappear on them, though.
If they're true buddies, the tales of fucking alien pussy (and maybe the fact that you're alive) should be more than enough

>>5864243
>>Maybe your old buddies at the body shop would lend you something? You did kind of up and disappear on them, though.

>>5864243
>Maybe your old buddies at the body shop would lend you something? You did kind of up and disappear on them, though.

>>5864243
>Maybe your old buddies at the body shop would lend you something? You did kind of up and disappear on them, though.
>Stop by the corner store and get some ice, beer, and energy drinks. If they don't work as a bribe, you can always drink them yourself down the line.
There is nothing between friends cold beer can't fix.

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>>5864243
>Three grand should be enough to outright buy an old junker off the marketplace. With your fab, you'd have no problem fixing it up.

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>>5864243
holy shit, it just hit me. How have we not gotten something to eat yet

>You could just wait until morning and rent something for cheap. It's not like you're in a massive hurry or anything.

>Eat real food tonight

>>5864502
or you can go and eat something with the bois

>>5864493
Yes, its time.

>>5864508
also a good choice. depends on who we want to have a flavor induced emotional breakdown with :D
>>5864502 voting for ether one

>>5864243
>Maybe your old buddies at the body shop would lend you something? You did kind of up and disappear on them, though.

>>5864243
>Maybe your old buddies at the body shop would lend you something? You did kind of up and disappear on them, though.
>>5864251
support
Also, if they're actually buddies of David then they can join our recruitment drive.

>>5864502
+1

>>5864502
.+1

>>5864243
>>Write-In?
>>EAT
the longer we stay on earth the easier will be for the feds... I don't care what anyone says, but I believe they are out there, glowing

>>5864502
The closest Waffle House demands tribute and interstellar franchise status

>>5865030
Honestly, waffles would probably be insanely popular across civilized Space. We just need to tweak the recipe so it maintains the texture and flavor while making it non-lethal for most species to consume regularly.

>>5865030
>>5865041
Hashbrowns would be insanely popular too probably - tasty carbs always are - was watching a video on Waffle House recently ironically. Interestingly the main issue with their model is staff retention due to low wages and high workload, which given the nature of space seems to include a large amount of poverty, we'd not run into immediate problems with the former - latter could be fixed by shifting cleaning and other duties to robotic staff.

>>5865048
Gunny's Chicken and Waffles© could potentially keep our civilian population employed across the galaxy and fund our colonization efforts in uncharted territory.

>>5864243

You decide to simply give up on getting much else done tonight. It's too late and most places are closed for business.
However, you have three grand in your pocket, and there's something you've been wanting ever since you were trapped is the godforsaken reaches of space.

And fortunately, walmart is both omnipresent and perpetually open.

...Alright, it used to be perpetually open. Apparently that changed after the pandemic, but this one's still open quite late.
You park your bike around the side of the building, knowing it's unlikely to be stolen in this town but still making an effort to keep it from happening.

"Damn, no more dropping by at 2am for some snacks, huh? Gonna miss chatting with all the crazy folk." You mumble to yourself as you walk inside.

It doesn't look much different than you remember, but... god, it's almost enough to bring a tear to your eye.

There's all sorts of random chinese garbage lining the shelves by the entrance, along with shit like single-use lithium batteries and a bunch of fiber-optic christmas trees.
Yeah, you're feeling like you've made it home.

But that's not what you're looking for.

You grab a buggy and head straight for the home and garden section. There, you pick up some premium lump charcoal and a few different bags of wood chips, along with some grillin' utensils.
After that, you head to the electronics area and pick up a cheap prepaid smartphone, before heading over to the food section for the good stuff.

The first thing you see when you get there is stacks upon stacks of eggs. You don't even care that they've somehow doubled in price since you've been gone, because you never have to eat eggs again.
A big smile and a feeling of warmth washes over you as you walk past them, and instead pick out a fat block of sharp cheddar cheese, a block of cheddar jack and a pack of kraft singles.

You grab some ruffles and dip, along with crunchy jalapeno cheetos and a few bags of munchos, then two of every kind of soda. Dr.Pepper, Mountain Dew, Mug Root Beer, Sunkist, Grapico and more.
Hell, you even throw a six pack of monster energy into the cart. Why shouldn't you?

...Alright, you can think of a couple reasons. Maybe best to warn the crew that they are literally poison and will probably blow up their heart if they drink it.

Continuing on, you grab some nice sesame seed buns, then some spices like garlic, black pepper and sriracha, plus mayo, mustard, ketchup, bbq sauce...
And then you move on to the meats. Bone-in chicken thighs, all-beef hotdogs, cheese-infused kielbasa, and of course some of walmart's finest steak and hamburger meat.

Beggars can't be choosers. You'll grab some real meat from a whole foods or something later, but tonight's an exception.

Of course, you can't ignore the little stuff. You grab a bag of potatoes, some onions, a jar of relish and sweet baby gherkins... oh yeah, it's gonna be good.

>>5865125
>mfw the biohazard labels on David's shipside fridge actually mean something again
Hallelujah.

>>5865125
I've never heard of Munchos before, gotta try em.

>>5865148
They're extremely light and crunchy, love em.

>>5865125
How the hell is he getting all this stuff back to the ship on a bicycle?

>>5865228
Big basket.

>>5865228
A broom.

>>5864243
>Three grand should be enough to outright buy an old junker off the marketplace. With your fab, you'd have no problem fixing it up.

I bet that fab can even get a Jeep to be somewhat reliable, and this ol' baby got plenty of room for all our bitches.

https://nashville.craigslist.org/ctd/d/nashville-1985-jeep-grand-wagoneer/7694693334.html

>>5865125
>and a pack of kraft singles.
Or as we call them, AMERICAN CHEESE despite being Canadian or whatever. Fuck it AMERICA

>>5865148
They are perfect plain potato chips, not too oily and crunchy enough to know you can enjoy it.

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>>5865125
we should cut up a couple of potatoes and plant them. If anything's gonna be low maintenance and grow on the ship it's those fuckers

>>5865580
Remember Portal 2? Potatos will grow everywhere. though we will have a dedicated garden on the carrier anyways.

>>5865580
the crew would probably go apeshit if they see a potato do that in real life

>>5865580
also, lets not forget to get all the seeds that we can. we need that space farm built ASAP

>>5865730
Seeds, fungus samples, etc...

>>5865732
>David that's a literal pile of shit
>Yeah but it's GOOD shit, trust me

>>5865732
they would also shit themselves with how fungi reproduce. i mean, they know how because of kyla's race, but im pretty sure our fungi is way more agressive than whatever they know

>>5865737
>our fungi is way more agressive than whatever they know
Cordyceps (and other mind/behavior-altering creatures such as Toxoplasma gondii)
Now that I think about it, this may not be such a good idea. There is a good reason why consider Earth a death world. Earth's flora and fauna will likely fuck the galaxy at large harder than emerald ash borer have fucked ash trees and Asian carps have fucked every other freshwater fish in North America. Hell, it's very likely to fuck hardcore with the galaxy's intelligent lifeforms too.
If nothing else, let's not risk getting roaches, mosquitoes, fleas, lice, ticks, bedbugs, and other bloodsuckers off of Earth, if for no one's benefit than ourselves'.

>>5865803
I think the MOST fucked thing is that all the shit that makes humans sick is kind of necessary to have around to keep people strong in the long run. Without it our immune systems become retarded and ineffective. If we lived in a truly sterile and perfect environment we'd wind up being baby-tier like the AYYYYS when they catch our case of the sniffles.

>>5865125

It rapidly becomes apparent that not all of this stuff is going to fit in the basket of your bike, but you have a quick and easy solution for that.

After paying several hundred dollars for everything, you make your way out of walmart and start loading up the heaviest stuff into the bike's basket.
Everything else gets loaded onto a broom handle, which you balance on your shoulders, holding with one hand as you ride down the road.

When you get back to the ship, you unload everything in the airlock before moving it to the mess.
Gildur and Sanig are resting at the table there, and look at you like you're crazy as you bring loads of plastic bags in.

"What the hell is all this, kid?" Sanig asks.

"Food, gramps. Real food, from earth." You reply, holding up a big, fat ribeye with decent enough marbling.

"Looks like a hunk of flesh to me." He scoffs.

"Oh, you'll see." You grin.

While you prepare the food, you have SHODAN take you back to your farmhouse for the night. You're going to need a campfire, and you don't want to be seen.
You start by salting the steaks. If you give it a couple hours, the salt will soak in and turn the meat bright red. It'll be tender and perfectly seasoned then.

Same with the chicken. You peel up the skin and make sure the salt makes direct contact with the meat, since it won't dissolve into fat.
The hamburger is broken up gently and seasoned with black pepper, garlic and beef base before being gently mixed and patted up into thin patties.

Since it's walmart meat, you make sure to leave the middle thinner than the rest to account for shrinkage.
Once that's done, you soak your wood chips and wash your hands at the same time.

The meat's prepared but still needs time to sit, which you spend fabbing up a few things. Skewers for hotdogs and kebabs, some grates for cooking over a fire, and a giant cast-iron fish-fry pan.
All of this leaves Kyla thoroughly confused, and she starts following you around to watch what you're doing.

God bless her, she tried to help you get the campfire going while you were chopping wood, but she's never lit a fire in her life.
Cylia ended up helping her out with that. She's seen you do it at least once or twice before.

While that's going on, you have Gildur in the kitchen chopping up cabbage for coleslaw, and veggies for kebabs and roasted peppers.
He also wraps some taters and corn in aluminum foil with a bit of butter inside, to toss by the fire while you're cooking.

Even with the crew helping, it's still a couple hours of prep to get everything done, and the moon is shining bright overhead.

You look up at it with a sigh. If there's one thing a good BBQ needs, it's booze... but you already had a heavy load to carry back, so...
Wait. They took most everything out of the house, but if you had to guess...

"Ah, there you are, beautiful..." You whisper into the tank of your toilet.

A fat mason jar full of genuine corn liquor sits inside, it's lid capped off with candle wax.

>>5866003
The crew wont remember half of this night, but by God I hope they survive it.

>>5866003
>A fat mason jar full of genuine corn liquor sits inside, it's lid capped off with candle wax.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, my guiding moonlight...
You were by my side all along.

>>5865803
that's not the reason earth is considered a deathworld. the reason is that the conditions to for life(in the PoV) are so extreme that life just shouldn't be able to happen. yet it does, and it terrifies them

>>5866003
Is caffiene poisonous to the crew? I remember that alcohol is.

>>5866627
Technically speaking, Caffeine and Alcohol are poisonous to us as well.
The key difference between us and the crew is that we are WAY more tolerable of those sorts of things thanks to our retardedly overbuilt physiology (compared to most sentients anyways).

>>5866629
>>5866627
Also on that note, we need to get Sanig some actual coffee, just so we can see how it compares to that tika paste stuff he uses.

>>5866631
Ayyy's could probably use coffee beans as smelling salts. Take a bean out, grind it a bit and WOOH BUDDAY

>>5866003

Cylia watches on in horror as you pull the jar out of the toilet and crack the seal on it, not even giving the jar a rinse before you take a sip.
And by "sip" you mean a good three or four shots.

You turn around and find Cylia staring at you, so you offer her a sip.
She vigorously shaked her head 'no' and takes a step back.

"Are you trying to kill me?" She asks, covering her nose.

"Course not. Come on, just a little on your gums will loosen you up." You say with a smile.

"No thank you. It's burning my nose from here."

"Hey, suit yourself."

You turn the jar up and get another little sip before heading back out and getting started on the food.
There's a small bed of coals where the campfire was not long ago, but you'll need more heat if you want a good sear on your steak.

Cutting open the bag of lump charcoal, you dump it onto the fire and let it warm up before heading back into the ship.
Everything in here is mostly done already, just need to add the final touches... a little black pepper and garlic on the steaks and chicken, a spritz of oil on the kebabs...

Then you take it all outside and start cooking. Taters and corn get thrown next to the fire, the kebabs are stuck in the ground to cook over indirect heat, and then you toss your wet wood chips in.
They'll give a nice smoky flavor to the steaks and chicken, which go on next. The grill grate is big enough that there's some separation, so you don't have to worry about cross-contamination.

Your crew is interested in watching you cook, especially Cylia... but the smoke seems to be burning their eyes a bit too much, so they have to back off a good bit.
Their oxygen masks do filter out the smoke though, so at least they're not breathing it in.

For the first time in years, you smell the unmistakable scent of beef frying as the flames lick up at the steaks and fat drips down onto the coals.
You're drooling like crazy. You almost want to bite into it right now. Raw steak isn't bad at all, you know? Just not as flavorful.

But you restrain yourself, and char the steaks over the flames until they're a nice medium-rare.
They even have some decent grill marks from the triangular bars of the grate you fab'd up.

Once the steaks are done, you sprinkle some MSG on top and let the residual heat melt some kerrygold butter, which pools onto the serving plate.
As the meat rests, it'll soak up some of that butter and MSG and become even juicier, and more flavorful.

You spend an hour and a half cooking over the fire, including a huge skillet full of caramelized peppers and onions for the steak and burgers.

You can't tell for certain with those masks covering their faces, but you think your crew started salivating at some point, too.
Despite the smoke irritating them, they never stray far from the fire and are eager to help by grabbing anything you need.

Finally, everything is just about done. You toss the aluminum-wrapped potatoes onto a plate and carry them inside with everything else.

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Baby baby baby.

>>5866841
>kerrygold butter
Better than Betty Crocker. Not as good a price though. Also stop making me hungry.

you fucking gringo and your glutamate I hate you I hate you I hate you

>>5866841
The dick of my tongue is rising

>>5867054
You and me both amigo.

>>5867054
>>5867347
pure concentrated flavor, you're missing out hermanos

>>5866841

It's kind of an odd sight. Everyone's sitting shoulder to shoulder in the mess, all wearing heavy battle armor... for no real reason, as far as you're concerned.
This is just home to you, but they all insist on being cautious.

Well, except for Sanig. The poor old man wouldn't be able to move or even breathe properly without that armor on.
He has a habit of wearing it anyways, though. Since he doesn't need his cane when he uses it, and it's easier on his joints.

You're fine with it, though. If it makes them comfortable, it's not a problem.

With a big smile on your face, quite possibly assisted by the fuzzy warmth that's spread throughout your body, you start setting the table.
Big porcelain plates printed with the american flag, tall glass beer mugs full of soda... much of which has been mostly de-fizzed to keep it from burning anyone's mouth or nostrils.

The smell of good food quickly fills up the room as the remove the handtowels covering everything, and the crew seems totally entranced.
No, seriously. The smell... particularly of the steak, you think, has them hypnotized. Half of them are visibly drooling, despite being somewhat used to your cooking.

You can't blame them, honestly. It's been far too long since you've had a good steak, off any kind of animal. No less some proper beef.

Once you start serving up the food, it turns into a free-for-all.
Cylia actually grabbed a whole steak with her hands and bit into it without cutting it first.

However, she didn't even get her teeth all the way through it before her eyes shot open and she froze in place.

Is she... is she sucking on it? Sucking the juices out, like a baby sucking on a bottle?
Oh my god, she's actually crying. Damn, that's wild.

Kyla and Sanig are a bit more civilized, and actually manage to cut a slice off before sticking it in their mouth.
Both of them also freeze up shortly afterwards, and their eyes roll back into their heads. For a moment you're worried from the quivering that they're having some kind of seizure... until the moaning starts.

Gildur looks on in shock at the rest of the crew, who are totally lost in apparent ecstasy. He then glanced down at the pile of steaks in front of him, and gulps.
Even he, a vegetarian, has a solitary strand of drool dripping from his muzzle. Nevertheless, he holds himself back... until you plop a bottle of digestive enzyme pills down in front of him.

"Go ahead, Gildur. You've earned a good meal, man."

"Ah... t-thanks, yeah... m-maybe just a little bit..." He stammers, cutting about a third of steak off and dragging it over to his plate.

While he's busy with that, you start unwrapping the potatoes and corn.
Corn on the cob isn't the easiest to eat, so you go about de-cobbing it and coating roasted kernels in a glaze of melted butter, salt and just the slightest touch of black pepper.

You don't know for sure how your crew will react to heat, so except for yours, you added very little pepper or other hot spices.

>>5868257
Lmaoo, let's turn earth into a restaurant for xenos

>>5868288
the shock of eating real food for the first time would probably kill them.

>>5868257
Food Wars lets gooo

And this is just shit tier Walmart steak, imagine getting cylia some Wagu

>>5868387
I'mma be real wit chu chief, that shit is overpriced and overrated. Sure it's good, it's not the be all end all though. There's plenty of great beef out there. I just can't remember the names because none of them are in English.

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>>5868257
>grabbed a whole steak with her hands and bit into it without cutting it first

We should get Gildur an Xbox or something

>>5868444
>Gildur on Xbox Live
He'd probably think "Nigger" was a term of endearment.

>>5868453
Is it not?

>>5868454
War have been waged over less complex conundrums than that.

>>5868455
Wars have been waged over literal moss covered rocks, that's not really a high bar. I'm starting to think people just really REALLY like fighting.

>>5868458
>I'm starting to think people just really REALLY like fighting.
Them's fightin' words boy. You wanna go?

>>5868468
Did you just
>imply
people wanna fight?
Who the fuck do you think you are?

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>>5868485
Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are YOU?

>>5868387
Dry aged steaks, even normal cheap-ass ones, are better than Wagyu. The concentrated flavor is fucking divine. I've only had dry-aged steak once, but I'll never forget it.

The best part about this is that David isn't even a chef and this is still just a bunch of cheap ass meat (as per FDA regulations at least).
Imagine how the wider galactic community is gonna to professional chefs with top shelf ingredients.

>>5868515
"Breaking news, 78 are dead after a celebrity chef's restaurant franchise opened a new location, thousands are now queueing outside their restaurants for a taste that is to die for!"

>>5868512
Yeah? wells badda-bing, bozo, you ain't nothin

>>5868547
"Next meal's free if you survive the first one"

>>5868607
Can we steal the Galactic Copyright to "Heart Attack Grill"?

>>5868387
>wagyu
I hate the gringo i hate the gringo hate the gringo hate thegringo girngo gringo grino gringo

>>5868756
My hermano en Cristo that stuff is Japanese.

>>5868387
Wagu is a meme.

>>5868257

As it turns out, they don't react too poorly to black pepper, whose spicy component is piperine.
The trouble comes when Gildur accidentally grabs one of the kebabs meant for you instead of the crew, which has jalapenos instead of sweet peppers on it.

He, like the rest of the crew, was already thoroughly immersed in gorging himself and had his guard down, so he popped the whole thing into his mouth without even sniffing it first.
You were busy basting the chicken in BBQ sauce at the time, so unfortunately your back was turned.

You first notice something wrong when Gildur drops his kebab to the floor. By the time you turn around, he already looks panicked.

"C-Captain, what's in this? What did you put on this keba-ha-HAAA!"

He quickly stands up from his seat and starts jumping around, waving air into his mouth.
You notice the kebab laying on the floor... isn't one of his.

"Hah. Ruh-Roh." You laugh.

"CAPTAIN!" He screams.

"Alright, alright. Calm down, it won't kill you. Over here, buddy. Drink some milk."

You open up a half-gallon of whole-fat milk, not that blue shit you usually drink.
Not that the blue milk isn't pretty good, but you don't know if it'll have the same effect as cow's milk.

Gildur takes the jug from you and immediately chugs from it, choking on the liquid due to his rush.

"Take it slow, chief. I recommend you swish and spit, rather than swallow." You instruct, giving him a reassuring pat on the back.

By this point, the rest of your crew has somewhat broken out of their food trance and are focused on you and Gildur.

"Kid, what's going on? What'd he eat?" Sanig asks.

"Ah, that. Yeah, he ate a Jalapeno pepper on accident. It's not fatal, but... this is about the reaction i expected from spicy peppers."

Gildur hangs his head in the sink, slowly drizzling milk into the side of his maw until all of a sudden, he pukes.
Once his up has finished chucking, he raises his head to the sky and screams.

"You... you seriously eat something like that? I thought you were kidding." Sanig murmurs.

Picking Gildur's unfinished kebab up off the floor, you ineffectually blow on it before eating a chunk of steak and a whole half a jalapeno.

"Nope." You grin.

"Can we... i mean, is there anything we can do for him?" Cylia asks, looking worriedly at him as he runs cold water over his entire head.

"Uhhhh. Well, milk is already about as good as it gets, i guess. You could try fatty stuff too, maybe suck on a stick of butter."

["I have discovered an interesting potential solution amongst my new archives, Captain."] SHODAN chips in.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

["Capsazepine, a capsaicin antagonist. A phial of prepared solution is awaiting you in the medical fabricator."]

Gildur continues to scream into the sink. He hasn't made any words in a while, so you figure it couldn't hurt to try.
You quickly run to grab it and ferry it back, by which point Gildur is simply pacing around the kitchen with a wild look in his eye.

>>5868977
poor Gildur i know that feeling
except I don't since jalapeno in of its self is not that bad I love jalapeno dynamite so much
he's probably feeling like he actually ate a botched curry thats filled with a dozen or more chili peppers

>>5868977
Bread absorbs those pepper oils, milk just spreads it around. Either way, lol, lmao.

I'm kinda a wuss when it comes to heat too. Pablano is about as hot as I enjoy.

>>5868977
Been there that one time I ate a whole homegrown Carolina reaper. Spent an hour or two sweating that one out and we won't talk about the sensations coming from my ass the next day. Would totally do it again, it made me feel high

>>5868977
Gildur you poor fool

>>5868977

"Here, Gildur. Take this and swish it around in your mouth, but don't swallo-"

Gildur rips the phial out of your hand and throws the whole thing back.
He shakes his head around wildly to distribute the solution around his mouth, but in doing so also flings saliva everywhere, including onto you.

"...Ahem. Did it help any?" You ask, arms crossed.

Gildur stands there for a few moments, still panting heavily as he confirms the effect.
A moment later he slowly turns, walks over to the sink and spits out the solution.

"That stuff tastes awful." He mumbles.

"The jalapeno or the medicine?"

Gildur turns to look at you, and you can see the exhaustion of his face.
Dude's clearly just been through an experience.

"The medicine, Captain. I couldn't taste the pepper at all. It just felt like searing heat on my tongue."

Oh, wow. You've never heard Gildur speak so clearly or with such confidence before. It's like he's entered some kind of zen state.

"Yeah, capsaicin interacts with the nerves that respond to heat, so it's kinda like sticking a torch to your tongue if you eat a pepper that's too hot." You explain.

"So what the hell counts as too hot for you, kid? I saw you eat that damned thing like it was nothing." Sanig asks.

"Uhhhh... honestly? Habaneros are the hottest peppers i'd actually eat as food. Everything past that is more heat than flavor."

["There is a scientific value for the apparent heat of peppers on earth, Mister Sanig. This value differs wildly, even between individual peppers of the same species. For example, this "Jalapeno" has an average rating of between 2,500-10,000SHU."]

Sanig frowns.

"What the hell does that mean, bit-brain? I have no idea what an SHU is."

["It is a subjective test in which the pepper extracts are diluted in sugar water, until heat can no longer be detected by a panel of judges. The final number is the amount by which it had to be diluted to reach that point."]

"...So you'd have to dilute one of those things in ten thousand times it's volume of water, before it stopped burning your mouth?"

["Correct."]

"And what about the other one that kid mentioned?"

["The habanero pepper averages somewhere between 100,000 to 350,000SHU."]

Sanig slaps his own forehead and starts rubbing his eyelids with both hands.

"What's the matter, gramps?" You ask.

"Kid, that's not food. That's a chemical weapon. You can't feed shit like that to the crew."

"I know. I wasn't, he just grabbed one of my kebabs on accident."

"That's what i mean, idiot! Look at that poor bastard!"

Sanig points at Gildur, who's since sat back down and quietly started munching on a lettuce leaf while staring out into space. Cylia's patting him on the back, but it's like she's not even there.

"Why is something that dangerous even in the same kitchen as the rest of our food?!" He yells.

>>5869454

>Yeah, that's honestly a good point. Might be a good idea to come up with some meals that can serve a diverse crew, be it human or alien.
>Sorry, Sanig. Earth cuisine is as delicious as it is dangerous. I am trying to avoid hurting anyone, but i can't promise you won't have an adverse reaction to something.
>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.
>Write-In?

>>5869454
>>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.
Do we need a locker for the good shit?

>>5869455
>>Write-In?
>>Cook your own meals, fag
Did gildur experience so much pain he went budda mode?

>>5869465
He is currently experiencing a huge endorphin rush, and his brain has turned off.

>>5869455
>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.
Pretty sure we had this same problem when we started cooking. Just stick to the meals made specifically for you or ask if you want to try something thats not in your share

>>5869467
>tfw later he's going to ask for a less spicy spicy dish
Oh no, it has begun.

>>5869455
>Believe it or not, this shit's good for us. Us humans, at least. Helps prevent heart disease and lower our blood pressure or some shit like that. If it's that big of a problem for you, we could just grab some birds real quick and use them to engineer a quick shot to alter your tastebuds so you're all immune to the heat. Birds are immune to Capsaicin on this planet.

>>5869454
>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.

>>5869455
>this is the absolute weakest chemical weapon you will find on this planet.
start making a list of everything that will kill them (lemon, pepper, alcohol) and start color coding plates, and keep a separate cooking area
>Sorry, Sanig. Earth cuisine is as delicious as it is dangerous. I am trying to avoid hurting anyone, but i can't promise you won't have an adverse reaction to something.

>>5869509
>"What do you mean "pineapple" has an enzyme which breaks down protein yet you still eat it?"
>"Oh don't be so dramatic, it takes way too long for it to actually do anything. Your stomach acid will deal with it no problem."
Ananas in every other language, a frightening weapon in space.

>>5869522
They also have tiny needle structures in them. That's why it stings to eat them.

>>5869454
>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.

>>5869455
>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.

>>5869455
>Sorry, Sanig. Earth cuisine is as delicious as it is dangerous. I am trying to avoid hurting anyone, but i can't promise you won't have an adverse reaction to something.

>>5869467
You know, I'm surprised he didn't have a heart attack. Maybe with some training he could be largely immune (by xenos standards) to capsaicin, and if need be, use it as a final line of defense should the ship be boarded as he's almost always aboard. Or, judging by his reaction, use it as a combat drug

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>>5869936
>"Don't worry, it's just a dog-face, we can crush him."
>meanwhile gildur taking a spoonful of pure spice

>>5869455
>Yeah, that's honestly a good point. Might be a good idea to come up with some meals that can serve a diverse crew, be it human or alien.

>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.

>>5869455
Both
>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.
and
>Yeah, that's honestly a good point. Might be a good idea to come up with some meals that can serve a diverse crew, be it human or alien.

Like >Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize.... but... I suppose it won't hurt to be a little more careful. We should gett some distinct lookin' plates and cutlery or some shit at least.

we also get a rush after pain... specially BDSM... I imagined gildur with leather straps

>>5869455
>Sorry, Sanig. Earth cuisine is as delicious as it is dangerous. I am trying to avoid hurting anyone, but i can't promise you won't have an adverse reaction to something.

>>5869455
>Sorry, Sanig. Earth cuisine is as delicious as it is dangerous. I am trying to avoid hurting anyone, but i can't promise you won't have an adverse reaction to something.
>Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share. Rule two, don't eat anything you don't recognize. This is a problem that will rapidly solve itself.
We've been gone for 3+ years. It's more or less a necessity that we have some proper earth cuisine, capsaicin, alcohol, and all.

>>5870051
Support

>>5869455

"Alright, everyone. Listen up!" You announce loudly. "Rule one of Gunny's cooking, don't eat Gunny's share! It ain't made for you, and this is what happens when you eat it!"

"But what if someone-"

"RULE TWO OF GUNNY'S COOKING! Don't eat ANYTHING you don't recognize! Whether it's on your plate, in the fridge or out of a packet, if you don't know what it is, it doesn't go in your mouth!"

"Why?! Why not just... not?!" Sanig yells.

"Because there's no accounting for everybody. If you don't like lemons, don't fuckin' eat 'em. If spicy peppers put you on your ass, don't fuckin' eat 'em, simple as that. I'm not about to baby my crew."

Turning to Gildur, you see he's come back to himself and is paying attention to you.

"Gildur!"

"...Yes, Captain?"

"Are you dead, son?!"

"No, Captain."

"Are you gonna eat those peppers again?!"

"Gods, no."

"Well then, the problem seems to have resolved itself! Ain't that something?"

You grab a loaded baked potato off the counter and set it in front of him, sprinkling it with a little extra crumbled bacon.

"Eat up." You tell him.

Gildur looks down at the potato with some doubt. Everything on there is new to him.

"...Captain, what is this?"

"It's a baked potato. It's a starchy plant bulb, plain and filling."

"And this white stuff?"

"Sour cream. It's a type of fermented milk product, full of good bacteria."

"And this orange stuff?"

"Cheddar cheese. It's rich and flavorful, you'll probably love it."

"And the brown stuff?"

"Bacon. A precious type of meat that's prized as a delicacy on earth. It's salty and savory."

"And those green things?"

"Green onion. Slightly spicy, but it tastes kinda like pelka grass, just way stronger."

He looks over the meal on his plate for a while before sighing.

"...Alright." He mumbles, digging in.

As soon as the food touches his tongue, his shoulders drop and his whole body relaxes.
The fat, sour cream and starch are helping to wash away any lingering heat in his mouth, and the flavor is clearly to his liking.

"See, now how hard is it to ask questions before putting things in your mouth? We're not toddlers, are we?" You ask, scanning around the room.

The girls look between eachother and shrug, while Sanig clearly isn't happy having what he views as poison sitting next to his food in the fridge.
But, he's gonna have to get over it. The carrier has two canteens but only one kitchen, so the ingredients are gonna be prepared in the same environment.

Even here, all the food is prepared by you and Cylia, in one tiny little space. It just is what it is.

You grab yourself a steak and sit down at the table across from Gildur, who's happily enjoying his potato.
Cutting yourself a nice thin slice against the grain, you take a bite and enjoy the flavor of the seared fat bursting in your mouth.

Oh yeah, this is it... just needs a little...

Reaching into the pocket of your cargo shorts, you pull out a miniature bottle of tabasco brand sriracha.

>>5870489
>Reaching into the pocket of your cargo shorts, you pull out a miniature bottle of tabasco brand sriracha.
GAS GAS GAS MASK UP MASK UP GAS GAS GAS MASK UP MASK UP

>Warn Sanig about the Monster Energy drinks, his heart is already being crushed by his organs.

>>5870489
>Weapons grade chemical agent detected

>>5870641
>BY ALL THE GODS DAVID WHAT IS THIS HORRIFIC THING YOU HAVE UNLEASHED
>Spicy sauce
>MY EYES ARE BURNING FROM THE SMELL ALONE
>You look like someone in the tear gas test room.
Honestly, they are NOT prepared for human deterrent options, let alone genuine chemical weapons. Thank fuck they're banned, right?

>>5870489

You squirt a pile of it onto the plate beside your steak, and then a couple tablespoons straight into your mouth, where you swish it around for the full aroma and flavor.

"God, that's good..." You sigh, swallowing the delicious red sauce. You're never going anywhere without a bottle of this stuff again.

"David, what is that?" Cylia asks, covering her nose. "It smells like vinegar and chemicals."

"Hot pepper sauce. Made out of the same stuff Gildur ate on accident, but with some extra spices and vinegar thrown in."

"He's just drinking it..." She whispers to Kyla.

"I'm not JUST drinking it. I'm dipping my steak in it, too. This sauce is pure flavor, i assure you."

The rest of the meal goes well, albeit without the sheer ignorant bliss from before. Everyone is much more cautious about what they put into their mouths, especially Gildur.
He asks you what pretty much every single thing is before eating it, even though the kebabs were the only thing that any spice to them.

After about an hour, your whole crew is stuffed full to bursting. Even Sanig, who was in a huff for a while, eventually got over it and stuffed himself full.

You however, aren't done yet.
This is the first time you've had real meat in forever, besides fuckin' dodo, god bless it.

You grind your way through two and two thirds steaks, three steak and veg kebabs, two hamburgers and a chicken thigh for good measure.
And you wash it all down with a good half a quart jar of moonshine that leaves you feeling pretty good.

After getting all the leftovers put away and just digesting for a while, you grab the girls, including SHODAN, and drag them to your room to make up for all that lonesome time spent in transit.
Cylia objects at first, citing that "You stink" (of smoke, garlic, peppers, sweat and so-on), but that just gets her dragged into the shower with you, which is good too. You love getting her soaped up.

Much of the night after that is a blur. You wake up completely naked in the bedroom floor of your house, rather than in the ship.
You find your underwear in the kitchen, but the rest of your clothes are simply gone.

In the midst of searching for them, you discover that somebody has gone and drank almost all of your booze, the bastard.
You find the jar in your bathroom sink, with the lid missing and all but a snort or two drank from it.

On an unrelated note, your head is pounding right now.

"Oh well, hair of the dog." You grumble, tipping up the last of the jar.

Walking outside, you don't see your ship... at least, not immediately. Somebody's moved it behind the house, so it's not quite so visible.
Your shirt is lying in the tall grass by the porch, but your pants are just gone as far as you can tell.

Walking around back, you step up the ramp to your ship... but the airlock doesn't immediately open.

"Hello?" You yell.

No response. You bang on the airlock door and yell louder.

"HELLOOOOOO?!"

["Oh, my apologies, Captain. Please, enter."]

>>5871074
>"what do you mean why isnt phosgene banned? Why the fuck would anyone ever think to make any?"
>"hahahahaha so funny story...."

>>5871134
>WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DREAMT THE BBQ?!?!?
>WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WITH "YoU gOT ShiTFacE dRUNk anD FEll ASleEp IMMediATelY"?!?!

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>>David wakes up
>>He was abducted
>>Dreamed it all up, has lived alone for three years with only the AI for company

>>5871217
>["Mr. Rockefeller, I opted to include schizophrenia medication in last night's meal, how are you feeling?"]

>>5871134

SHODAN opens the ship up for you, and you walk inside, just missing Sanig as he heads into the medbay.

"Geeze, SHODAN. You've been pretty airheaded since we got to earth. What are you doing right now, anyways?" You ask.

["I apologize, Captain. I have found myself thoroughly immersed in your world's culture and technology. It goes so far beyond what your own experiences suggested."]

"So you've been watching youtube and browsing wikipedia."

["Almost constantly, yes. It is a shame that my connection is so slow, and the latency so high. My progress has been slowed considerably."]

"Progress? Progress in what?"

You poke your head into the cargo bay and find Gildur cleaning up and caring for the Dodos. He seems to be doing fine.

["Filling in the gaps in my own knowledgebase and understanding. So many things make sense now, that were merely vague memories in your mind. At last, i understand."]

"Eh, alright. Whatever, just don't get addicted to the hub or something. And if i find out you turned into a homestuck fan, i'm unplugging you."

["I do not believe that will be an issue, Captain."]

"Good."

You stick your head into your bedroom next, and find both Cylia and Kyla passed naked out on your bed, flopped on top of eachother and wrapped up in the sheets.
Still no sign of your pants, though. If they were gonna be anywhere, you figured...

Ah, well. You toss your shirt into the room for later and walk to the fab in your skivvies.

"Say, SHODAN. Where's your body at? I didn't see it on charge in cargo."

["I am currently out purchasing food and supplies for the crew. I hope you don't mind, but i commandeered your bicycle."]

"No, it's fine... just... i hope you didn't go out wearing that leotard. People ain't just gonna stare, that's liable to get the cops called on you out here."

["Of course not, Captain. I am currently wearing a suitable outfit to disguise myself as a normal human."]

"Oh yeah?"

["Yes. Jeans and a turtleneck sweater, appropriate for the season."]

"And your hair? Is it still as white as casper's bare ass?"

["My hair cap is easily replaced, Captain. Today, i feel like a brunette."]

"Alright, just making sure."

Nobody came for you after you landed. Nothing in the news, no increased radio chatter.
If anybody knows a spaceship landed out here, they're keeping awful quiet about it.

But that's fine, it means you can run around more or less freely for the moment, which is good.

Using the weapons fab, you quickly print yourself another new set of clothes. Some thick work jeans and a nice long-sleeved shirt and jacket.
You woke up pretty cold inside the house, so some heavier clothes would probably be a good idea.

After that, you have yourself a baked potato for breakfast while waiting for SHODAN to get back with your bike.
When she does, you quickly hop on and head back toward town, aiming for a car rental.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving, so they might be closed then.

>>5872048
Wouldn't we need to renew our DL to rent a car, or did SHODAN sort that out for us?

>>5872048
>If anybody knows a spaceship landed out here, they're keeping awful quiet about it.
So the gubmint's about to surround us with tanks and artillery

>>5872109
Only been gone 3 years, and licenses last quite a while. If memory serves, gunny got snatched in his late 30s, so he should still be solidly between needing renewals.

>>5872109
You currently have a very convincing fake ID made in the fab.
All of your actual licenses are missing, and since you've been declared dead, it'll be a pain to get them back.

>>5872138
>
Convincing can mean a suitable physical copy but the rental company will likely check whatever we hand them against the DMV's database. If our AI didn't put a matching record in there it'll be a bust for sure. Can we check on this before walking up to the counter?

>>5872048

It's pretty chilly this morning, but you quite enjoy the brisk bike ride down the dirt roads and highway, then through town.
The smell of dirt and oil and rotting corn husks fills your lungs, revitalizing you. The cold, crisp morning air braces your body in a way stagnant station air never can.

And oddly, despite all the riding you've done, you've neither broken a sweat nor started breathing heavily.
It must be the result of that grey retrovirus, doing it's work on your lungs and circulatory system.

At rest, you barely have to breathe at all. It's pretty incredible.

While thinking about that, you decide to sprint the last half a mile or so, and end up keeping a damned good pace the whole way.
When you slide into the rental place's parking lot, there's nobody outside, and only one person at the counter as far as you can tell.

A woman, sipping her morning joe.

"Hello?" You call out, entering through the front door.

"Oh, good morning!" She replies, seeming genuinely surprised to have a customer at all.

"Morning. I was looking for uhhh... an SUV would be good, i guess. Something cheap, preferably."

The two of you go back and forth a while, eventually looking around the parking lot a bit before settling on a pretty beat up Chevy Tahoe.
It may be beat up, but you can carry your whole crew and then some, or even some cargo if you really needed to.

The rental price ends up being $60 a day, which shouldn't be a problem. There's a tense moment when she asks for your driver's license, but everything seems to have gone through.

You load your bike up into the Tahoe and drive it back to your place, where the crew is waiting for you in the ship.

"Hey guys, i'm back." You announce into the workshop, where Kyla is working and Cylia is... lying down, with a heating pad over her stomach.

"Hey there, Hon." Kyla calls back. Cylia just waves at you with a groan.

"Everyone feeling alright?" You ask.

"Some of us are!" Kyla smiles.

"You tried to skewer me last night." Cylia grumbles. "Now i'm sore."

"Oh. Sorry, sweetie. I don't actually remember a whole lot of last night..."

Kyla snickers.

"Sanig said you drank a bunch of industrial solvent again. Is that why you were acting so funny?"

"Ah, yeah. I didn't... say anything stupid, did i?"

"No, hun... not at all. You were real lovey dovey though. Did you miss us while we were in cryosleep?"

"...Yeah, i guess i did. More than i thought."

Kyla's smile fades as she realized she's lost her opportunity to tease you. She turns back to her work.

"Tch, it's no fun when you're all serious."

...

You spend some time talking with the girls, when SHODAN suddenly informs you that you've received a response from your sister.
An E-Mail, which reads as follows.

[I don't know who this is, but if it's a joke then you're sick and you need to leave me alone. But if that was really David, then... i don't know. We all thought you were gone. You'd better contact me, asshole.]

Yeah, that's Sam alright.

>>5873166
Reply with a picture of dickbutt.

>>5873166
Dickbutt and a joke about did you get a boyfriend I need to threaten while I was abducted?

>>5873166
Let's send her a video of us in our house complaining that they took all of of our stuff and then start bragging that they forgot the a fat mason jar full of corn liquor. Don't forget to show our face.

>>5873260
>"They even took the rugs, those bastards!"

>>5873260
This is funnier, >>5873166
change to this>>5873260

>>5873260
+1 let's go all out

>>5873260
Gotta get Mutt in the video too.

>>5873166

In response, you quickly grab Mutt and your new phone and head outside, sitting yourself down on the back steps of your house, whose door is still swung wide open.
You start filming yourself with the selfie-cam.

"Hey, sis. I'm alive, how about that, huh?" You chuckle.

You look over your shoulder towards the door. Mutt runs up the steps and into frame, turning around to sniff at the camera.

"Say uh, you wouldn't happen to know who took all my shit, would you? All that was left was the jar of moonshine in my toilet tank. Better than nothing, but still pretty rough to come back to."

You stand up and start wandering around the back yard while you talk.

"So look, i know you're mad. I would be too. But you know i wouldn't just up and disappear for no reason. If i did, i'd at least try to take y'all with me, or let you know where i'm going.
A lot of crazy shit happened. Wasn't my choice to go where i went, and i had no ability to contact anyone. Just got back to america yesterday, without a penny to my name. I'm sending you my new number, alright?"

You scratch at your stubble while trying to think of how you're gonna explain all this to her.

"And uh... i'm sorry i couldn't get in contact sooner. I'll tell you everything in person, okay?
Actually, probably the only way i can tell you is in person. Some of it's gonna be hard to believe. Love you, sis. Say hi to momma for me."

As you close the video out, you turn the phone around and put the Metal Gear in full view.
She might not know it's an alien fucking spaceship, but it certainly doesn't look like a normal aircraft or anything.

That much should be enough to at least get her to listen to you.

You send the video file to her as an email attachment, along with your new phone number and a picture of dickbutt for good measure.
A spambot wouldn't send you a picture of dickbutt. It just ain't done.

It'll probably be a while before she checks her email again, so you'd say now is a good time to start hunting for potential compatriots.
The three that immediately come to mind are Redbone, Cooter and Pickle Brown. Of the three, you only possibly know the location of one, Redbone.

Last time you talked, he was in the middle of building himself a cabin out in Tar Hollow.
Now, ain't nobody supposed to be living out there, it's a nature preserve after all, but you reckon ain't nobody willing to fight him on it either.

He's well known as "the stabby type" by folks around here.

Good dude, just don't fuck with him and you won't get stabbed.

>Go look for Redbone's cabin. He's probably the easiest to find at the moment.
>Start asking around for information on Cooter and Pickle Brown. They may not even be around here anymore.
>Head to the body shop. Maybe the boys down there would be interested in an out of this world job offer.
>Write-In?

>>5873606
>Good dude, just don't fuck with him and you won't get stabbed.
Ohhhhhhh there's gonna be more than a few aliens what get stabbed.
>Go look for Redbone's cabin. He's probably the easiest to find at the moment.

>>5873606
>Go look for Redbone's cabin. He's probably the easiest to find at the moment.
Lets get a fellow shank enthusiast.

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>>5873606
>>Go look for Redbone's cabin. He's probably the easiest to find at the moment.

>>5873606
>Start asking around for information on Cooter and Pickle Brown. They may not even be around here anymore.

>>5873606
>>Start asking around for information on Cooter and Pickle Brown. They may not even be around here anymore.

Our town had a dude like Redbone, stabbed a guy in the ass once for lighting fireworks and throwing it into his camp at night. Probably still out there.

>>5873606
>Go look for Redbone's cabin. He's probably the easiest to find at the moment.

>>5873606
>As you close the video out, you turn the phone around and put the Metal Gear in full view.
Aaaaannnnd now the feds DEFINITELY know what we're packing and where we are. Uh oh.

>>5873774
Meh, not like we won't leave. They only stalk people they know will cause problems, if anything our living friends may be watched if they care to check at all

>>5873606
>>Go look for Redbone's cabin. He's probably the easiest to find at the moment.

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>>5872048
>["Yes. Jeans and a turtleneck sweater, appropriate for the season."] ["My hair cap is easily replaced, Captain. Today, i feel like a brunette."]
pic related
>>5873606
>>Start asking around for information on Cooter and Pickle Brown. They may not even be around here anymore.
Look, if the other guy is innawoods then SHODAN will throw a fit because she will discover that you can't find everything using the internet. These other two guys tho, might be an easier catch considering out current capacity

>>5873606
Go find Redbone first.

>>5873606
Sure let's go for Redboner I guess

>>5873606

Redbone's your best bet, for sure. He's the only one you're fairly certain is still out here, and you even have a general idea of where he might be.
You know he was building his cabin out in Tar Hollow, and even the general area. You helped him pick the spot while you were out hunting together, after all.

But it may be hard to find it on your own.

He wasn't building your average lincoln. From what he described, the thing was going to be buried half in the ground and covered in rocks and leaves to disguise it.
If you want to widen your search area, you could bring SHODAN and Cylia along. They shouldn't have any trouble with the terrain.

Only, you don't know how Redbone's gonna react to trespassers. SHODAN's one thing, she just looks like a normal woman... but Cyl looks like master chief.
You know you'd be freaked out if someone wearing that getup was snooping around, clearly looking for you.

Alternatively, and this is a pretty massive alternative here... SHODAN could probably redirect another satellite and help scan the area.
Whatever Redbone's built isn't going to show up on google earth, if it's even up to date out here in the middle of nowhere. But a spy satellite would include infrared cameras, too.

At that point it would be as easy as pinpointing the hotspot, but there's also no way it would go unnoticed.
You don't doubt SHODAN could erase her tracks just fine, but it's going to raise alarm bells.

Alternatively alternatively, there's one person besides yourself that Redbone was regularly in contact with before you left.
The only problem is, the dude was 98 years old and had cancer even then. You'd be shocked if he was still kicking.

>Just go on foot and search with the girls. Even if he shoots at them, it won't do much to either. He'll recognize you, too.
>Let SHODAN work some magic. She's basically unstoppable when it comes to cyberwarfare on earth. If the spooks get spooked, so be it.
>Maybe a less direct approach. JD was a tough old bastard and might still be alive. If anyone could contact him directly, it'd be him.
>Write-In?

>>5874335
>Maybe a less direct approach. JD was a tough old bastard and might still be alive. If anyone could contact him directly, it'd be him.

merry christmas lad.

>>5874335
>Maybe a less direct approach. JD was a tough old bastard and might still be alive. If anyone could contact him directly, it'd be him.

>>5874335

>Maybe a less direct approach. JD was a tough old bastard and might still be alive. If anyone could contact him directly, it'd be him.

>>5874335
>Let SHODAN work some magic. She's basically unstoppable when it comes to cyberwarfare on earth. If the spooks get spooked, so be it.
satelites go brrr, probably not too hard to make it look like an error, maybe?

>>5874335
See if JD is still alive, and if so give him some spacertech cancer treatment in exchange. If not, us and SHODAN will go on foot, and she'll mention our name if she finds him first.

>>5874335
>>Maybe a less direct approach. JD was a tough old bastard and might still be alive. If anyone could contact him directly, it'd be him.

>>5874335
belated Merry Christmas Cochrane and everyone.
Hope all things are holly and jolly, especially our mental illnesses. :^)

>Let SHODAN work some magic. She's basically unstoppable when it comes to cyberwarfare on earth. If the spooks get spooked, so be it.
While she's there, maybe she can deorbit some anti-satellite weaponry just to really ring some alarm bells.

>>5874335
>Maybe a less direct approach. JD was a tough old bastard and might still be alive. If anyone could contact him directly, it'd be him.
he's definitely alive, smoking 1 cigar a day and chopping logs or whatever

>>5874335

It's probably going to be a pain to find Redbone's cabin on your own, but you have a better idea.

Assuming the old bastard's still hanging on, you have a mutual friend who's probably still in contact with him.
An old man by the name of JD, who you used to hang out with from time to time.

As for why, well... you just happened to be from the same lodge.
He's not the type to care that you haven't paid your tithes in three years, though.

Before you head out though, you make a quick stop by the medbay to pay Sanig a visit.
He's been working on something in here for a while now, though you're not sure what exactly.

"Sanig." You call out.

"Huh? What is it, kid?"

"Remember a while back, we were talking about something or other... and you said cancer was cured out in space? As simple as taking a pill?"

"Sure, that's true. Why, you got a lump somewhere?" He asks.

"No, but somebody i know does. Do you happen to have one of those pills on hand?"

"Somebody you know? Ah... well, those pills are technically supposed to be tuned to a specific individual, but..."

"But?"

"In reality, it works well enough on a per-species basis. We have cancer meds for everyone on the crew, so just give him a few of yours. It'll probably work. No guarantees."

Sanig drops what he's doing and digs through one of the medicine cabinets, pulling out a pill bottle marked "Cancer - David".
Gee, that's pretty straight and to the point. You never really know what your crew is doing with the occasional blood sample, huh?

"Alright, thanks... say, what are you up to in here, by the way? You seem busy." You ask.

"I'm researching the effectiveness of your world's bacteria and viruses as a bioweapon. Half of the shit on this planet would set off alarm bells if we tracked it back to a station."

"Sanig, we don't need any more bioweapons going around. Apparently there was already a global pandemic while i was gone, you know?"

"So i heard. And there are rumors that the virus in question was a bioweapon. What do you think i'm researching right now?" He grumbles.

"Wait, where did you even get a sample of... no, nevermind. Just... just clean up after yourself, alright? That shit better not spread through the ship."

"Nanomachines are already on it, kid. This whole room is sterile, except for the sample trays."

"Uh huh. Let me know when you're done, so i can wipe everything down with lysol."

Sanig waves you off as you back out of the room, holding your breath.
You've never been a fan of getting sick, and especially not with some kind of super virus.

That said, you don't doubt that earth viruses would probably make a decent bioweapon, even unaltered. Most species don't have much of an immune system.
Right now, your whole crew is hopped up on immunoboosters, including killer nanomachines that put a white blood cells to shame. No way they'd be safe breathing earth air otherwise.

You try to put Sanig's research out of your mind, and head to cargo to pick up SHODAN.

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Bioweapons? Ha, the crew should watch a World War I movie.

>>5875210
.....we can show them our Horror movies, not the current ones, they are dog shit