ugh. why don't you post in your livejournal instead of here? thread hidden.

>>10213521

>OP's pic

I don't like where this is going...

>>10213538
You are the cancer.

Don't mind him OP, please share.

Grrrr, for some reason it's not letting me post anything at all regardless of the size. :(

Go ahead post it and we will happily deconstruct it and make you wish you didn't.

>>10213589

You can't copy-paste anymore. You have to type things out manually.

Alright, here goes then :(

The Tale of Dissembling Rupert and the Foolish Glutton

One day Rupert fell afoul of a mean-spirited bosun. The bosun promised Rupert that he would cut his corpse-starch rations in half and beat him mercilessly for a full month unless Rupert went down into a lower hold and retrieved the bosun's favourite dagger, which he carelessly dropped there. No matter how hard Rupert thought about it, there was nothing to do but go down into the lower hold. He took his stout cudgel, an old rattled stub revoler that Rupert's father left him, rope, oil lantern, his lucky rebreather, and a few strips of Grox jerky to gnaw upon. He climbed for hours until he reached the bottom, and he barely had any oil left then.

>>10213669

He wandered for a bit, but he could not find the bosun's dagger in the bad water and darkness of the lower hold. As he was wandering about he saw two red eyes and a growling voice addressed him: "Harr! Little humie, you who wander into my domain, shall be my little snack!" A huge green arm reached for Rupert! Though he nimbly dodged, he stumbled in the water and was caught. The big green arm turned out to belong to a big green ork, he must've come from a boarding party which our crew had gloriously massacred earlier in Imperor's and Lord-Captain's name!

>>10213709

Rupert was afraid, but he was also canny, and so he blurted out: "If you're hungry I can give you an even bigger meal!" The Ork stopped and scratched his head and thought (though it took a while). Finally he said: "You are small, it's true, but I'm hungry now!" So Rupert gave the ork his Grox jerky and his trusty cudgel and told him that Rupert's bosun is big and fat and stupid, and would make a wonderful meal for the ork (which is true, as all bosuns are usually all three). Then Rupert climbed and climbed and climbed up out of the dark hold.

>>10213669
I read that as "went down into a lower hold and retrieved the bosun's favourite daughter, which he carelessly dropped there".

>>10213744
The bosun was very angry that Rupert came back without the bosun's dagger, but Rupert lied very well that he discovered a forgotten treasure in the hold, but it was far too big for Rupert to carry out alone. So the bosun thought that if he and Rupert retrieved the treasure and then he killed Rupert, then no one else would know and bosun would keep the entire treasure. So the bosun eagerly agreed to climb down. "My rope won't hold us both," said Rupert, "Why don't you give me your rope as well?" and the bosun did as Rupert asked, and the two of them climbed down.

When they reached the bottom, the ork was waiting with Rupert's cudgel and crushed bosun's head. He started eating the bosun and Rupert then told the ork that there were many more fat and juicy humies if only the ork could climb up. The ork, even though he already had plenty of bosun's meat, said yes.

>>10213847

Now Rupert went first, to show ork the way. When he got to the top he took out the bosun's dagger (which he had in truth stolen several day-cycles earlier), and cut the rope. The ork fell a long way down and was crushed to death. Rupert then climbed down with the bosun's good rope and took all the gelt that the bosun had, and cut off the ork's head. Rupert claimed the bounty on the ork that killed the bosun, and had a good meal each day for a whole month, and he had bosun's dagger, gelt, and good rope besides. And that is why my brethren, a clever word and sharp steel is best in the dark.

Shall I continue /tg/?

>>10213905

Sure, go ahead.

>>10213905
The Tale of Dissembling Rupert and the Mendicant's Trial

One day Rupert was walking through starboard deck 4, subdeck 2 (Recorder's note: exact location usually varies from teller to teller) on his way to a swap meet - for everyone knows that starboarders are usually low on the Blessed Tincture against Scurvy, Radiation and Common Voidpox, but grow good Lho instead. Rupert knew the major turns in the shadow maze (Recorder's note: this is the name given by the crew to the intricate and deadly maze comprising much of the ship's dorsal hull), but lost his count. The wise thing to do, my brethren, would have been to turn back, but Rupert heedlessly went forward, counting on his good luck and sense of direction to get him to starboard.

I enjoyed it. It has that sort of ignorant folksy feel about it appropriate to these stories.

>>10213987
Through dark passages he walked, down air vents he climbed, loose wires and damaged plating tore at his clothes. Finally Rupert's blood chilled when he heard the howl of a hull-grue. He ran and ran and ran, and ran into a deadend where the grue caught up to him.

First Rupert emptied every round of his stub into the grue, but stillt he beastie kept coming. Then he did the wise thing and prayed to the Golden Lord of Terra, and He answered. A mendicant appeared and scorched the grue with holy promethium - for that is how you kill a hull-grue my brethren. Rupert was very grateful, but the mendicant would accept no reward, leading Rupert out of the maze and giving him his blessing. Then the old man walked off.

>>10214031
As luck would have it, Rupert was walking through Lash Square the very next day, and saw that there was an execution to be had. Never one to miss an event so entertaining and edifying, Rupert weaved through the crowd, picking a pocket here and there. Then he saw the old mendicant strapped to the post, about to be flogged to death with an electro-whip. A wrathful Lieutenant Secundus was slighted when the mendicant bumped into him and spilled some porridge on Lieutenant's new gold braids, causing him to be late to a muster and be much berated by the His Excellency Starboard XO.

>>10213989
I heartily agree has the same feel as those Russian folk tales with the babayaga and her house on chicken legs.

>>10214067
"Wait," cried Rupert, "You cannot execute this man, for he is wanted for theft on Portside. Here are even some things he stole!" As Rupert started taking out all the items he pilfered, one man after another would cry out: "That's mine!" and with each cry the Lieutenant's face would pinch as though he drank pure Protection from Scurvy concentrate. "But he's caught here, on Starboard!" complained the Lieutenant. "Well," shrugged Rupert, "you can explain it to Portside XO, but I'm supposed to bring him back to have his hand cutoff for theft." "Fine," fumed the Lieutenant, "take him back Portside, but I will see his hand taken off here as restitution to me!"

And so the mendicant lost his hand, but gained his life. And Rupert sold the mendicant's hand to a gullible pilgrim, claiming it was the hand of Saint Brimi the Exhumed, and bought himself an almost new data-slate with pix of Sibellus pleasure gardens.

The Tale of Dissembling Rupert and the broken air purifier.

One time Rupert was reassigned to different quarters and punishment for spilling a bucket of ball bearings. The new quarters were miserable, they were cold, stank of blessed machine oil, and had a most prodigious mold growing on the ceiling. Worst of all though was the broken air purifier. Sometimes it will rattle, and sometimes it will hum, and oftentimes it would howl, but notime would it actually work. So the air was always rank, fit to choke a Ghilliam. Finding no reprieve, Rupert set about trying to get the air purifier's machine spirit appeased. He prayed and prayed and prayed, and even anointed the purifier with a bit of sacred oil that he stole from a repair brotherhood, and occasonally he would even kick the machine hoping to wake it into action. Now my breathren, harken unto me, for this was very foolish of Rupert, as doing so could anger the machine spirit even more, but such was Rupert's temper that he did not care.

>>10214231
Seeing as there was nothing left to do, Rupert gathered up some gelt and went to search for a venerable tech-priest. He searched and searched and found the sub-decks chief coghead. In a foul mood he was, directing his skulls (fear and avoid them my brethren, for they are said to see your every sin and offense against the machine spirits) to repair blessed conduits. So irate he was that he buzzed at Rupert even as he opened his mouth to make a request: "Begone fool! Do you not see that rerouting Blessed Transducer Conduits J-11-15 to Gun-deck Solus Magnum is more important than your ignorant prattle! Go bother my lazy apprentice!" And so Rupert went away, but not before stealing some loose wires.

>>10214333
Now my brethren the first spot you should look for a coghead ought to be in one of their shrines, surrounded as they are by their machines. The next best place is to look for them near arc conduits, where they are wont to joy the holy Lightning Arc. Finding no one at a deck shrine, Rupert went off in search of the arc conduit. He found one eventually, though curiously it was defective, it was then that he heard quiet snoring. Rupert smirked and cried out loudly, "Oh woe be to the lazy apprentice! His master has prophesized a catastrophic life-support system lest an air-purifier be appeased, but he is nowhere to be seen! Oh I shall be lashed by the venerable master's dendrites and then we shall all suffocate!" He heard with much satisfaction a stumble and a shout of surprise, as a junior priest emerged from behind pipes where he was snoring the day-cycle away.

>>10214486
"I'm here!" cried the affrighted apprentice. "Oh good priest!" wailed Rupert with tears in his eyes, "I fear we have no time to waste, you must hurry, or we both be punished!" So the two went off, and the junior coghead made the proper supplications to Omnissiah and the machine spirit of the air purifier, and he did anoint it with oils, and pushed the proper runes, and lo the purifier worked again!

"Now," said the priest turning to Rupert, "where is my payment?" Rupert acted confused and said: "But what payment? I am but a poor deckhand whom your venerable master picked to carry a message, but I shall tell you a secret that would put you in your master's good graces." The priest was much interested and acquiesced. Then Rupert gave him the wires he had filchered, and told him where his master was and how glad he would be for the wires, and off the apprentice went.

>>10214667
"Master, master!" Shouted the apprentice, "I had fortuitously come across the blessed connection wires!" The poor fool was unaware that for the last hour his master raged at his skulls and servitors and the clueless sods of the repair brotherhood nearby. So irate was he that he snatched his tool-staff and beat his apprentice without mercy, crying: "Thief! Thief!" As for Rupert, he returned to his quarters. The air purifier caused the mold to dry, and Rupert sold it to the twists of the water purification systems. So my brethren heed these lessons: let every apprentice beware his master, and never let a problem go without turning it into opportunity first. This every voidsman knows, from deckhand to the Lord-Captain Rogue Trader himself!

At the end of every story, I imagine a shaggy, uniformed man with a huge shit eating grin.

It's awesome.

>>10213989
>>10214110

Glad you enjoyed it guys. I greatly enjoy folk tales as close to the original as possible. The heroes in those tales are very much PCs, and think like PCs I find. :) I also like how in most French folk tales the hero doesn't end up with a princess and a castle but usually with good boots, or a square meal for the rest of his life, or a rifle that always shoots true - neat everyday-useful stuff like that.

You've convinced me I must play Rogue Trader.

It would be a boon for you to get your writefaggotry added to the Tiji Sector in some way shape or form.

Sadly the suptg archive is off.

Gladly I know how to freaking copy paste and you had better as well, Razorboy!

>>10215038
What is this Tiji sector and how can I add to it?

>>10215058

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Tiji_Sector

>>10215077

Cool thanks! Will do!