A DMPC joined us. A cleric of Princillis, the God of Free Love. Not love, free love.This god fought against Tyrannus, the God of Evil Traditions. That's his portfolio. Evil traditions.

To my surprise, hobgoblins (and all goblinoids, apparently) are homophobes, and were attacking the village because they didn't approve of "free love." Our DM took special attention to show just how prejudice and mindless the hobgoblins were, blindly believing in Tyrannus.

My brain slowly clouding over, I asked what exactly Tyrannus was, and what a religion based on "Evil Tradition" meant. Much to my delight I was treated to a ten-minute explanation that it was "basically the Catholic Church in the Dark Ages," where it persecuted scientists, artists, and anyone that thought differently from them.

After we defeated two bands of hobgoblins, we entered their lair, and discovered that they were planning on using a disease to infect the village. Our cleric of Free love explained that this was an extremely deadly disease, and evil clerics of Tyrannus were preventing the government from being able to find a cure.

When we finished disabling the "disease apparatus" without anyone making a comment, he decided to explain that the disease was AIDs.

I made a quick glance around the table, hoping that no one cared. Their blank, uncaring faces made me sigh with relief, but instead of taking that as a sign to move on, our DM began to explain the history of AIDs to us.

Halfway through his conspiracy speech, I told him that DMing did not give him an excuse to soap box. I had said those words on instinct, purely and simply, not realizing my blasphemy.

I think I can say that the game "officially" ended there, because the guy started calling me a homophobe and telling me that I secretly craved the cock. The friend who had invited me (who was gay himself) tried to calm things down by trying to defend me, but I just took the chance and left.

My friend apologized afterwards, telling me that he should have explained how the DM was very sensitive about certain things. Without saying much more, I just told him that I might have outgrown playing D&D

you seem to have met CWC's dark homo opposite

cool story bro

get a non-shitty dm

Good lord OP, that's horrifying

Tell the DM next time you meet him he's actually an inner-homophobe and he secretly wants the pussy.

That should shut him up.

The only D&D DM I've every played a campaign with was gay, and he was pretty awesome. Him being gay never came up ever. No soapbox, nothing.

OP's DM sounds like he just came out of the closet and was now just acting against "tradition" because he felt he should. Also conspiracy theorists are fucking annoying.

>>11950160
Dark and homo being his opposite? Strange, sounds like the original to me.

Also OP, your DM is a retard, and you are too for only finding out about what your DM is like when you sat down with other people to play.

I really doubt this happened. but, if it did, it's not even the worse DM story i've ever heard. i'd understand you choosing not to go back to this particular gaming group, but blaming the hobby and quitting because of one bad experience with a self righteous and terrible DM is pretty childish.
Rehab is for quitters, as they say. Enjoy your temper tantrum.

You're lying. There's no way this could exist.

>FOR clablat

Gayfag here
This is a case of a shitty DM shoving their half-baked ideologies into a game. It has no bearing on his sexuality. Please, I'm ashamed of this motherfucker if he actually exists. People go to extremes sometimes and they're all idiots.

You shoulda waited until he calmed down and got quiet and then just cracked a wicked loud fart, got up, and walked out. Gay people hate that.

OP, stop being a pussy and invite your friend, and a few of his friends to a game, and run it for them, and show them how it could be run well.
If that had been me, I would have kicked the DMs ass for that. I'm not a homophobe, I just like hurting morons.

>Much to my delight I was treated to a ten-minute explanation that it was "basically the Catholic Church in the Dark Ages," where it persecuted scientists, artists, and anyone that thought differently from them.

>The catholic church in the Dark Age
>persecuting artists and scientists
>IN THE DARK AGE

Way to go.

Wow. That is a pretty awesome-bad DM right there.

Tell me OP, what was his AIDS conspiracy? I've heard lots of AIDS conspiracies, but they're all from the Far Right and religious extremists. I had no idea actual gay people believed there was a conspiracy behind AIDS. But I suppose I should not have been surprised.

>>11950349
Don't forget anyone on either one of the far ends of the Black political spectrum. It's pretty much the only thing Farrakhan, Chapelle, and a certain crazy Marxist sociology professor at the UW agree on >,>

This is like the games you see run by furries, where if you're not an anthropomorphic cockwolf you get instadead, or by wiccans, where if you aren't properly reverent to their setting's gods even if it's not in your character concept you get roasted by DARK MAGICKS while the NPCs laugh.

I've had a very obviously gay man (like, runs about half of an annual Yaoi Con) run a game, and it was pretty run-of-the-mill, except for lots of squid monsters and tentacles. No rape, though, so I can dig it.

>>11950349

The government invented it, and/or is secretly oppressing attempts to find a cure, in order to kill gays and black people.

>The first time he called me "sugarlumps," I thought I had been magically transported

I'll just stop the sentence there. It's better that way.

>>11950371
>>11950371

...do you perhaps mean the University of Wisconsin?

>>11950118

Yeah...shitty DM.

Yeah, the issue here is soapbox DMs and not gay DMs.

See also creepity-ass motherfuckers who randomly put in LG sex-slavers because they read too much Gor, especially when some poor unsuspecting bastard rolled a female character.

>>11950378
I've played with a misandric pagan dyke of a DM in D&D once. I wanted to play a Pally-dan and fite the good fite. I was given a massive tome and told to find a god to worship and read about them. It was a book about celtic deities. If you know anything about this, this basically means that there are hundreds of "gods" to pray to which existed in various time periods through this culture's existence. Anthropomorphic, humanoid, deities of all shapes and colours.

Wanting to play along, I asked her whom would be in charge of morally-sensible ass-kickings. She had told me that the christian god wouldn't have been welcome in her setting. Frustrated, I reiterated my question, to which she repeated her answer.

So I picked no god, and then decided to be a friend of justice and a friend of mankind on my own terms. Basically I cut-and-paste'd a Hieronious Paladin into her world. I tried fighting the good fight, and believing what is right. But no, at every opportunity I was wrong, and the female sorceress which was the girlfriend of the GM would be right in her choices every time. Basically the whole thing turned into her bashing on christians the entire time.

>>11950602
I was a practicing catholic at the time. I never told anyone. After all, it's just a stupid game and we're all above 20 so we all can behave like adults, right? Right? I did the right thing and basically cut off contact from her and her game. There wasn't a breaking point for me, the rage built over the period of three weeks and six sessions that I gamed with them. So it stands that I don't generally like the idea of putting real religions into games. Because of fucksticks like Janet, we can't have an interesting game like Pax Arcana where we basically fit fantasy into time-period-appropriate earth, with the appropriate mythos around it. Because someone will take the shit seriously and will start real religion discussions from the ones that have been dead, conquered and erased from legitimacy because they didn't write shit down thousands of years ago. Or they lived in a god damned marsh and charged at the Romans FUCKING NAKED.

Fuck the Celts, fuck Neopagans, especially that sex cult known as Wicca. If you're a real Pagan, I want to see you slit the throat of a goat as proof. Or to hang a slave on a pine tree.

>>11950602
That's what happens when you're dealing with a fluffy bunny wiccan. Most annoying goddamn people in the entire world. At least the serious Wiccans that actually know what they're talking about don't act all "More persecuted than thou" and don't hold the belief that the Salem Witch trials actually involved wiccans.

>>11950602
this is actually a theater kid, not a dyke

>>11950615
>Fuck the Celts, fuck Neopagans, especially that sex cult known as Wicca. If you're a real Pagan, I want to see you slit the throat of a goat as proof. Or to hang a slave on a pine tree.
You are acting just as bad as the people you complain about. There's terrible people in every religion that makes all of them look bad. Wicca has a higher percentage because it caught on and got semi-popular through shit like Charmed or whatever (mostly with girls).

Seriously, this sentence goes from you looking okay in the rest of your post, to another idiot.

>>11950633
>the serious Wiccans that actually know what they're talking about

Hate to break it to you, but all Wiccans are fluffy bunnies. None "know what they're talking about," and if you've been convinced otherwise, shame, shame on youe.

>>11950666
Eh, I forgive it. The guy is just clearly pissed off. If you can't blow steam in an anonymous forum where can you?

>>11950666
>666
YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH SATAN!

>>11950633
>>11950666
>>11950669
Considering Wicca is a religion invented in the 1950's by a british guy masquerading as an age old nature religion, I have to agree that its pretty shitty. If we are allowed to pass value judgments on religions at all, its got to be pretty low.

>>11950666
The last bit was me mostly being angered at all of the people whom call themselves pagans, decry the better-known religions for being barbaric, yet forget the past of what the Gauls, Scandinavians and Celts did for rituals. In other words, the people who called themselves pagan specifically to be rebellious. I've known a few of them and never liked them. Then again, I've never liked the people whom display any form of zealotry as far as the great cosmic debate goes.

>implying the medieval Catholic Church WASN'T an explicitly evil organization centered entirely around securing and acquiring power

That said, your DM is retarded.

>>11950669
>Hate to break it to you, but all Wiccans are fluffy bunnies
No, there are some. Well, a few. Probably 99.9% of Wiccans are fluffy bunnies, but it *is* a religion that started off as a closed group, initiation-only highly ceremonial religion, based *very* loosely on Celtic mythology and random other shit.

There are Wiccans that realize there's very little in the way of rules otherwise, and that it's pretty close to being a "build your own religion". I'm not Wiccan, myself, because I can't fucking stand fluffy bunnies. Then again, I can't stand fundimentalist Christians, "I'm better than you at being humble" Bhuddists, or any of that shit. Every group has shitloads of annoying people, Wicca is just almost entirely them.

Oh, and that's not to mention Satanists. Sure, LaVeyian Satanism has good set of rules (comes down to essentially don't bother people, protect children, violent payback on anyone that causes you harm), but holy fuck most Satanists are "fuck you mom and dad" type.

>>11950744
Are you a jew?

Just wondering. You sound EXACTLY like a jew.

>>11950756
Wikkan detectorp

>>11950756
>but it *is* a religion that started off as a closed group, initiation-only highly ceremonial religion, based *very* loosely on Celtic mythology and random other shit.
>Sure, LaVeyian Satanism has good set of rules

Please, please shut up. Please shut up, and never speak again. For fuck's sake, I'd punch you in the mouth if I could.

>>11950756
>LaVeyian Satanism has good set of rules

That may be true, but the fact that he named it satanism for its "fuck you mom and dad" value ruins it. They don't actually revere satan, they are atheistic. That an they believe in magic which is fucking retarded.

>>11950739
> In other words, the people who called themselves pagan specifically to be rebellious
There's a term for that: Rebellious teenagers (regardless of their actual age, they tend to act like their goddamn 14). There are plenty that follow most of the precepts of the old religions, ported to current times. I myself am a non-practicing Kemetic Reconstructionist (Egyptian mythology).

>>11950758

>>11950775
>Please, please shut up. Please shut up, and never speak again. For fuck's sake, I'd punch you in the mouth if I could.
What exactly do you have a problem with in those sentences?

>>11950779
>That may be true, but the fact that he named it satanism for its "fuck you mom and dad" value ruins it. They don't actually revere satan, they are atheistic. That an they believe in magic which is fucking retarded.
Yes, I've always found that utterly ridiculous. Naming your religion after the "pure evil" character in a supposedly entirely separate religion just... seems pointless and antagonistic.

>>11950739
I've known people who go for paganism out of the desire to worship something more tangible, like a personification of nature, rather than an all-seeing all-knowing all-being God. It can be a little overwhelming worshiping the Judeo-Christian God, especially because the mythology makes him up to be the SPEEC MAHREEN to all the other religion's other races: he can do everything better, forever, and the fact that you don't really see this in practice is all just crunch v fluff.

Now at the same time I'm the poster of that comment you originally quoted, what with the furries, so I can understand when people are so up their own asshole they could use themselves as a space helmet. It's all a matter of letting people know, "Hey, this is collaborative story-telling, and this story is becoming overwhelmingly about you yourself, your soapbox, and your views. If you could include some way for the rest of us to factor in, I'd appreciate it."

If they don't go along with this, the correct response is exactly what you did. Stand up, leave politely, make them look like the asshole, and then bitch about it to the rest of us here on /tg/.

>>11950756
Funny story, on the bus I had encountered a guy who wore an upside-down cross on a necklace. So I popped my right-side up cross out, sat beside him. Made sure that he saw it. Then I said "So I see you're a humble follower of christ"
"Not exactly" he said, smiling.
I had retorted with "Saint Peter's cross is used as a symbol of humility among the Catholics, the idea of displaying it is that you acknowledge that you can never truly be like Christ in full. The Pope uses St. Peter's cross on more than a few pieces of iconography, such as on his chair."

In that moment, in that pasty makeup, with raccoon-like eyeliner, I had realized that I had destroyed him utterly. "How did you know that?" An insecure, slightly shaky tone was spoken by the young lad.
"I read the bible. I've read up a fair bit about european and middle-eastern history as well. I'm getting ready to be a history major."
With my credibility, it was the coup de grace. The conversation ended, and the boy got off the bus. I'm sure that it wasn't really his stop; he just couldn't stand to be beside me either through embarrassment or through his own conclusions that I was trying to fuck with him.

>>11950824
More likely he didn't want to sit next to some lunatic Jesus freak when he's just being a clown to make himself feel better.

Really, rationally speaking, all religions are equally unlikely to be based on truth. The problem with ones like Wicca, Satanism, Mormonism, and $cientology is that they're so obviously contrived, yet people take them up for the sake of being controversial. If you believe what you've been told by your parents, whose ancestors thought the way they thought for millennia, that's significantly more understandable than 'we need to get back to our pagan roots, guise!' or 'That evil dude is actually not too bad!' or 'we want to rape underage girls!' or 'thetans everywhere!'

>>11950824

If you did any study that was worthwhile, you'd know that the story about the origin of St. Peter's Cross is made up.

>>11950118
>>11950132
>>11950141
I feel sorry for you, bro.

>>11950862
And if you did any study that was worthwhile, you'd be aware that regardless of the origins of the story itself the upside down cross is STILL Christian iconography and has NOTHING to do with Satan or evil.

>If they don't go along with this, the correct response is exactly what you did. Stand up, leave politely, make them look like the asshole, and then bitch about it to the rest of us here on /tg/.
Never looked back either. Plus I like to contribute to the occasional "Tell us your bad stories" thread as I've had a few myself. I find I enjoy those threads quite a bit.

>>11950862
Considering that the same applies to almost all of the bible, what's your point?

man just believe whatever the fuck you want and don't be an asshole about it and you come out ahead of about 90% of the shitheads out there

>>11950803

Calling it Satanism was probably Crowley influence. And knowing, myself, that when he created the church he declared that date to be the start of the age of satan, this seems most likely. Crowley's big thing was that the age of what he called the 'slave gods' (Jesus, Buddha, etc.) was about to end, and that he had been given the scripture of the new age--an age of strife, whose messianic figure was Satan. He claimed that the devil was only considered evil because the servants of the slave gods were the only ones who'd told anybody about him.

But then Crowley wasn't dumb enough to name anything that was supposed to be public after the guy.

... don't mind me, I read up on all of this stuff because crazy people and pseudo science are hilarious entertaining.

>>11950912
This is amazing advice. It should be common sense, but common sense is rare as fuck.

ITT: we make up lame stories because we've seen other people do it and it worked for them.

>>11950900

It's also applied by people mocking the Christian faith; it's a literal 'inversion' of what's holy. In any case, swastikas are also holy symbols for Christians. Doesn't mean they have no other meaning.

Neopagans and all that shit piss me the hell off. I know a guy who claims to be a follower of "Reconstructed Viking Faith", or that bullshit Asatru shit that people do nowadays. He's a half-Korean hipster who's so painfully socially awkward it's like listening to nails on a chalkboard in quadruple-retard stereo.

But Anon, you say, we all deal with retards every day! Surely this man can't annoy you that badly?

Fuck you, other people, this bastard has it covered. Y'see, with all his claiming of Viking culture, it just proves he has NO FUCKING CLUE what he's talking about. How do I know this? I study it, not as a hobby, but as a legitimate area of academic research. I've traveled to Iceland and read the original sagas. Learned Icelandic, Old Norse, and Latin so I could read the proper texts.

Know the best part? These so-called 'neo-pagan' beliefs are just Christianity with the serial numbers filed off and glossed over with beer, legends, and some epic Viking beards. Thor is basically a pagan response to Jesus, and half of Odin's legends only existed AFTER Christianity started gaining a foothold.

tl:dr; Asatru/Neopagans piss me off, story about retard.

>>11950940
Common sense is what tells you the earth is flat.

>>11950824
So what you're saying is that you are just as awesome as you believe JC to be?
Why else are you wearing your cross top-heavy if not to say that you are just like JC?

>>11950968
>tl:dr; Asatru/Neopagans piss me off, story about retard.
What about Asatru Heathens and other Neopagans that actually know as much or more than you about the subject and don't treat the religion like a fashion statement? Seems that you're more annoyed at stupid people than the actual religions.

>>11950968

This. They're almost as bad as megachurchwhores.

>>11951016
I have never met any willing to do that kind of reading, or any sort of real looking into the culture. They see the superficial aspects, read a piece of shit book retelling Norse legends without understanding any of the cultural significance, and then say they're neopagans and hardcore. I deal with these people all the time, and I have yet to see any able to understand anything beyond their own idea of what Nordic religion was.

>>11950964
No, its not. If you invert the crucifix you can be mocking christianity. Inverted cross is a petrine cross, 20 years of whiny goths being whiny doesn't change the meaning of an established symbol.

>>11950968
Really? That's news to me, I've always heard the standard "these gods were around before then Christians stole them to make their religion more relatable" history. Interesting.

>But when the mayor and his husband were the ones that gave us the quest, my "OH WOW WHAT A FUN SESSION THIS'LL BE" sense kicked in to overdrive.

One time I was in a game and the mayor and his wife gave us a quest.
OMG THE DM WAS FORCING HIS HETEROSEXUALITY IN ALL OF OUR FACES OMG

>>11951053
I didn't say it was common. Neopaganism and such suffers from the fact that it's a perfect rebellion set of religions, and there's no overarching way to learn about them without doing self study.

There are some that are good about it, however. Such as Kemetic Orthodoxy. Before being considered a full member of the religion, you have to go through a sort of online course on the religion, to make sure you actually understand it, preventing the problem you are talking about.

Then again, that's about the only group that does something like that. But just think how many people consider themselves Christian without knowing a goddamn thing about the religion or following any tenants of it whatsoever, even though it's infused into so much of our culture.

>>11950968
Damn religion is recursive, considering that Christianity stole its myths from earlier cultures.

>>11950824
>Calling out fags who think that an upside down cross is bad
Awesome....
>>11950908
This! It doesn't matter if its true or not, that's what faith is. Trying to get people to see that their beliefs are stupid is stupid because if it makes them happy, then more power to them, and if they just want to do it to piss off their parents, even more power to them.

Related to OP's DM, everyone knows the catholic church was/is corrupt, any organization that size is (Look at PETA and a lot of other "charities" that have large amounts of money flowing through them). So to all people that make settings/stories, stop using that as an analogy to be OH SO DEEP, its overdone as shit.
Slightly unrelated, but I had the misfortune to go to a musical done by a local college with some friends a couple months ago, they told me "Its about issues involving society, and it only touches on homosexuality a bit!". So I go to the play, all the characters are in a catholic high school, and the first half of the play is them getting drunk and doing acid, which leads to almost all of the main characters realizing they're gay, but they can't do anything because they're catholic. Then the second half is how "WAAAH WHY ARE OUR LIVES SO MESSED UP?!?! THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS BAAAAAD", which I couldn't sympathize with because they were being ridiculously stupid for most of the play and deserved what happened. Then OUT OF NOWHERE ONE GAY GUY DIES, which is just a stupid way to feign sympathy(see B^U miscarriage).
Also the music sucked.

You think you have it bad?
Whenever our only DM gets bored with a campaign (which is a lot) he starts to concoct strange ways for our party to be sexually molested by random encounters.

>>11951075
Yeah, a lot of people try to play that card, but if you actually read the source material with the Nordic religions, there is zero evidence of it Pre-Christianity. Then, when there is Christianity around, they start emerging. Plus, the main records we have of it were written by Christians, thus making the existence of "true" rituals non-existent. There's some pretty hilarious stuff regarding it.
>>11951109
Yeah, the closest they get is reading a short book of Nordic legends, buying a pewter Thor's hammer without being able to pronounce it, and then declaring themselves true Vikings or some shit like that. If it weren't for the ignorance, then I could handle it. That, and the "Oh, we're superior to Christians because our legends are older!"

Yeah, Christianity kinda won, and the only reason your sorry ass is around to know the deformed versions of the legends you semi-sorta-know is because they kept records. Not a Christian, just an angry, angry historian.

>>11951110
That's how myths evolve, son. They're built from one culture to another, and absorbed. Survivor wins and takes all. Christianity just gets points for hanging around for a decent chunk of time and doing well.

>Considering Wicca is a religion invented in the 1950's by a british guy masquerading as a racket to rustle up more girls for their sex parties, I have to agree that its pretty successful.

fixed.

Aaaaaand back on topic......played a game of Vampire with a bunch of Wiccans once. They were into the whole "Let's have an orgy once a year, be all mysterious!" and there was one dude, greasy as fuck, always in a surplus army jacket, that introduced himself as "Lord Ralem" or something like that. GM was a MTF who, while possibly having sincere intentions and actual gender issues, mostly used it to try and sleep with goth chicks, claiming (s)he was a lesbian and needed the comfort.

Tried playing a somewhat humorous-yet-fitting-with-tone vampire, got shouted down because I didn't want to participate in their freak-sex bullshit. If I hadn't been desperate for gaming, I would have just quit and left the damn group. I finally give up when my character is nuked by the GM's partner-of-the-week grossly overpower Torreador doing things, just because I dared to make fun of the proud Wiccan tradition of making shit up and ugly people having orgies.

And to think I just wanted to play the world's fattest vampire. I miss Mister Bombardini. He was a hero.

Almost everyone in this thread is dumb. I was going to respond to individual posts, but I decided not to waste my time elaborating. Just look at what you posted everyone, and realize why you are retarded. Thank you

>>11951115
Oh, was that Bare? You missed some plot points. The production I saw made things a lot less black-and-white, too. It helped that at least half of the cast was Catholic.

And yes, it's an over-the-top poppy pile of cliches, but as long as you go in expecting that, it's kind of fun.

Polite sage for talking about musicals in a thread with a strong undercurrent of "I find homosexuality unsettling".

>>11951466
>Polite sage for talking about musicals in a thread with a strong undercurrent of "I find homosexuality unsettling".
>a strong undercurrent of "I find homosexuality unsettling".
...What?

>>11950937
>Crowley's big thing was that the age of what he called the 'slave gods' (Jesus, Buddha, etc.) was about to end, and that he had been given the scripture of the new age--an age of strife, whose messianic figure was Satan. He claimed that the devil was only considered evil because the servants of the slave gods were the only ones who'd told anybody about him.
That boy needs therapy!

>>11951601
Yeah, Crowley was pretty weird.

>>11951466
I think it was, maybe I was over expecting for a community college free theater.
>>11950701
Taking this guys view, I just needed to blow some steam.

>captcha:adventurers fools
tis D&D

>>11950633
>Salem witch trials - 1692
>Wicca invented - early 20th century

wat

>>11950633
>Wiccans that actually know what they're talking about

No such thing.

>>11951810
Yeah, exactly. Fluffy bunny wiccans tend to think that anything that was a witch is a Wiccan, and that the Salem Witch trials killed actual witches, therefor Wiccans.

Don't try to think about it too hard. This is because many of them believe Wicca is a super old religion predating Christianity, that was just held "in secret" for this whole time.

>>11951075
Well make no mistake, Christian missionaries were intelligent mother fuckers. They knew that the easiest way to get people to convert was to do it slowly. Feed them some lines about things they already relate to and the conversion is easier to swallow.

If nothing else Christianity deserves props for being a unifying force for Eurpoe. Without Christianity everyone would be doing ALLAH AKBAR all the live long day. Fucking Turks.

>>11951352
Tell us more of Mister Bombardini.

I'm sad that guy didn't tell us more of Mr. Bombardini.

>>11952532
Your wish is my command.

Mister Bombardini was a man of simple, refined tastes. He was also a Macellarius, which to those who don't know/care get to actually eat flesh for Vitae and such. Playing against the usual angst-and-gloom of the group, he was presented as an upper class gourmand seeking nothing more than the simple pleasures of eating children and crazy people.

Fortunately, the GM was willing to allow Bloodlines, and because he (sort of) fit in with the rest of the group, it was allowed. The rest of the group was playing a bunch of angst-goth Mekhet, all wearing leather and packing giant revolvers, so Mister Bombardini was quite out of place in carefully-maintained suit and with his fussy little napkin.

The point of him was to show it's possible to be dark and evil without actually being over-the-top, oversexualized creatures of the dark. Stats weren't the greatest because I dislike the min-maxing of a lot of Bloodline users, but he worked as a combat monster. The first sign of trouble came when I 'accidentally' pulled away a victim from one of the other players, managing to kill their dice rolls and charm them by being a cheerful, fat old man in a nice suit and promises of patronage for the NPC. Y'see, I pulled a victim away from a player who was using the game as wish-fulfillment, and that is a no-no in crazy groups.

>>11952743
Now, after succeeding in eating the random art student and getting ridiculous levels of Vitae, Mister Bombardini decided that it would be a good idea to be a team player for a little while. Now, as a rule, I try to avoid using out-of-game knowledge, but the situation that next arose just called for it. The GM had us running around attempting to 'procure' slaves for some sort of magical orgy, and I could see where things would end up (Players bring human stock, told to fuck off by vampire we were trying to unseat from their position of power, players get angry, fight ensues).

So, in his meek little manner, I voiced my concerns for their plan to raid a bunch of fraternities and sororities (wish fulfillment amirite?) for people and instead suggested a route that wouldn't get us killed. This was, of course, immediately shouted down by all other players, and so he continued being his meek little self.

Couple sessions down the road, things have gone as I thought they would. At least one player had a character killed and, in true angst fashion, created a carbon copy with poorly-explained reasons for wanting revenge. We're talking "Erase name on sheet, play character again" levels of copy.

Now, as a gentleman, Mister Bombardini did not, as a rule, enjoy working with these young upstarts, and so decides that a little political maneuvering is in order.

ITT:
One butthurt christian.

>>11952794
At this point in the game, most of the other players really, really disliked me. I had taken their escapist wish-fulfillment fantasy and inserted an incredibly fat man in a suit who tended to eat any victims he managed to get alone, and due to the bloodline traits, was pretty damn hard to stop from doing that.

Politics came in when I cut a deal with the aforementioned plot villain and offered to sell out the group (They were breaking the Masquerade HARD at that point) in return for a guaranteed supply of food and a large mansion in the hills. Now, none of the other players knew about it or had any way of knowing about it in game. This did not stop them from constantly trying to screw poor Mister Bombardini over.

Eventually, the GM took me aside, and said that if I wanted to keep playing, I'd have to tone the character down. Despite the fact that other players were doing things that were more ridiculous and idiotic (Doing obvious shit that would get noticed, taking out high church authorities, leaving bloody ritual marks on public walls and such), apparently playing a six hundred pound vampire wasn't considered proper in a game where everyone wanted to be their own magical vampire pal and escape from the taunts of others.

Normally, I would be okay with this, but the failure had begun to mount up. So, Mister Bombardini did the only sensible thing available; he started eating everyone he could find, because it left little evidence, gave great boosts to the Vitae, and made it so the other characters couldn't fuck with him.

>>11952860
This didn't stop them from trying very hard. In the session before Mister Bombardini's final one, they attempted to lock him in a freezer and sell him out to the police. For no reason other than out-of-character justification because, up until this point, he'd been helping them with their insane schemes. They succeeded in locking the freezer and left, demanding that the GM simply leave the character to die/be caught by the government and media, thus revealing all of vampires to the world and completely dethroning the story.

So, long story short, the GM had me run through some cops and a local action news crew. After consuming them, Mister Bombardini was slightly annoyed. So much that he decided subtlety was for pussies, the rules were off, and these fuckers needed to die.

Because they were the stereotypes, the rest of the party converged to a goth club to celebrate ridding themselves of the fat menace. When one of them (Butthurt player who re-inserted as the same person) went off to feed on a random lesbian due to combat that evening, Mister Bombardini was there.

The session ended on that high note, and the player demanded that I leave their character alone, because "This actually means something to me!" At this point, there was a lot of shouting, because they figured I was an ass for even considering hurting their precious characters, despite the fact they all just tried to kill mine.

Bombardini is the fuckin' champ.

>>11952951
So, the next session begins. The player who got ambushed was not a very good combat character, and so fell rather quickly, only to be eaten and diablarized, giving ridiculous powers to Mister Bombardini and leaving the rest of the party in terror. As they had run into the room to catch the tail-end of things, he had no choice but to escape and plot his next move.

At this point, GM was severely pissed at me, but pointed out that things could get solved. After a direct intervention from the council, things were patched up, as it was pointed out that Mister Bombardini acted to dispose of a vampire who threatened the Masquerade, which was a good thing in their eyes. Players are all annoyed at me, but the player with a dead character especially so, deciding that revenge is the only option.

Because they were dating the GM at the time, they got to immediately re-insert as a character provided by him, a grossly-overpowered Torreador created as a "Mentor" to ensure things don't get out of hand with the party.

Now, as this happens, we are required to now go to an orgy for some reason or another. I begin cracking jokes out-of-character, upon which GM-Partner-of-the-Week chimes in with their own love of orgies. I mention my preference for single partners of attractive appearance and stable mental characteristics, rather than people willing to go into a dank basement and fuck, and they get absolutely apeshit over me.

A break is taken because things are getting a little too hot with emotions. I go out for a smoke and to negotiate pizza with the local establishments, and when I return, I am greeted with this little tidbit.

>>11952951
"With a final gasp, Mister Bombardini falls into Final Death".

While I was out, it was decided that the Torreador was offended by his 'Lack of refinement in appearance' (despite wearing a well-kept suit and generally being the only person in the party not looking like some insane goth raver) and killed him. The GM did my rolls, and just offhandedly said that I failed them.

That's right, failed an entire Vampire combat in the time it takes to smoke a cigarette and order pizza. As a well-built creature of combat, I knew that Mister Bombardini wouldn't have gone down so easily, so the arguments started, and because of all the hate, I was not allowed to roll for it.

I realized that shit sometimes goes that way, so I said "Fuck it" and tried to keep gaming with them. When making a new character, I was immediately told that I was not allowed to play the same type of character, and I would start off as a completely basic (Despite all other players getting differently, as exampled above).

In the end, Mister Bombardini had a short yet rich unlife. He killed some dudes, ate some children, and injected levity into a game of Vampire. For these crimes, he was killed by a jealous party of escapists. I understand why these people needed the game to escape from life, but in the end, do we not all wish we were a six hundred pound man who ate children?

Triple bonus points to anyone who knows why his name is Mister Bombardini.

Tell us more of Bombardini.

And give me a description, I want to do a sketch of this magnificent bastard.

(Pic is just a quicky example, so you'd see the shit-quality you'd be getting)

Alas, poor mister Bombardini, all he wanted was to eat some kids and looneys.

>>11953155
This is a great story. If I played Vampire I would love to have a Mr. Bombardini in my party. Is it alright if I imagine him as looking like a morbidly obese Gomez Adams?

>>11953155

>>I understand why these people needed the game to escape from life, but in the end, do we not all wish we were a six hundred pound man who ate children?

You are awesome. Did you know that?

>>11953184
I was picturing Peter Ustinov/Poirot while reading it...

Mr. Bombardini will be an NPC in my next oWoD campyign. Nagaraja with Giovanni ties, looking like the exploding guy in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.

>>11951008
To display the right side up cross means that you intend to be like JC. You still look up to him, it's simply that displaying it upside down shows humility, while displaying it righted shows that you want to be like him.

>>11953184
I pictured him as a lightly mustached (Those thin, yet well groomed french ones) on a well-dressed Humpty Dumpty myself.

>>11953210
I was picturing teh Fiddlers Green from Sandman comics. Picture related.

>>11953155
See I like escapism in games because I like to play a different person in a different scenario

These guys were playing idealised versions of themselves in a scenario they would like to be in

Needless, bravo, sir

I'm glad people love him. He's definitely one of the best characters I've ever played, and one of two characters from a Vampire game that started as a joke and turned out to be actually fun to role-play. Plus he made a bunch of people rage, which is always entertaining.

For description, imagine Fred Astaire, but weighing roughly six hundred pounds. The man was morbidly obese, yet managed to avoid being grotesque through the use of a well-tailored suit, impeccable manners, and a tendency to wear red shirts to hide the blood. He was about average height, light on his feet, and would always wear a fine pair of polished black-and-white wing-tip shoes.

If people wish for more tales of Mister Bombardini, then the story of how he came about and started working with these crazy goths can be written up.

>>11953257
Please yes, this is beautiful.

>>11953257
Sketching now, for you are a gentleman and a scholar.

Oh man, Mr. Bombardini is officially the best Vampire character ever made.

Personally, I can't help but picture him looking something like Pavarotti.

>>11953257

Yes! More children-eating fat Vampire!

Wasn't Bombardini that fat guy who explodes in that Monthy Python flick?

>>colonel mlreco

Colonel McRelo. Next Guardsman PC's name.

>>11953257
What ever happened to the group? Did they all get murdered in real life? Because they seem like complete sacks of shit.

Bombardini is up there with Lev, the cool Malkavian guy.

Was his first name Norman?

The demand seems to exist for tales of this great man, so I may as well explain how I hooked up with this group.

A friend of mine is one of those rare "Social and functional" goths who can actually hold down work, interact with people, and just gets odd looks. She mentioned that a friend of hers was going to run a game of Vampire and would like a few more players. As she knew I was a gamer, it was suggested that I join.

I'll admit, I was doing this mostly due to her request and semi-attraction, as I wasn't big into Vampire. You see, she didn't really like this group all that much, and wanted some sane company to deflect talk from planning orgies, talking about Wiccanism, and otherwise fail-filled activities.

Finally, the first day comes, and I learn that, rather than creating characters, we'll first do a session where we play humans who get killed by the villain. First alarm bell goes off when I get my character sheet, and there are no points in anything resembling thinking power. Yup, it's a thinly-veiled revenge fantasy on behalf of our weird GM.

I play along, and find that these people tended to shift their problems onto their characters. After a session that's semi-entertaining that ends with us dead, I hang around and discuss characters. Pretty much everyone except my friend and I are going to basically play themselves, only vampires. Warning bell 2.

>>11953257
Bravo, Bombardini. You honestly made a Vampire character that I like. If only because it's not entirely serious and...fun. While still being evil. Bravo to you, good sir. Bravo.

I'm already planning a flaming gay spoof of "Vance VonSang" the really, really, really flaming gay vampire. He'll have body sparkles and everything and don't afraid of a three inch thick cock.

>>11953365
We can only hope

>>11953350
That was Mister Creosote. Similar, but not quite. I'll give you a hint: it's referencing Modern American Literature

So, I decide that I'd like to play against type, and because I think it'd be funny, I take the stereotype of "Fat goth" and think of running with it. After thinking it over, I decide that such a thing would be terrible, and wonder if it's at all possible to make a character who will be subversive enough for entertainment, yet acceptable enough that I won't be kicked out and shame my friend.

Then, I see a really fat guy going to the local theater. I realize that this is my only option. Fat man in a suit. The personality comes quickly, and I realize I've got a winner on my hands.

The next week rolls along. Everyone has their character sheets, and is explaining how their awesome versions of themselves were embraced, and how they are now the lords of darkness and mayhem about to take revenge upon the world for how it treated them.

>>11953440
Rottissimo "Rotti" Largo from Repo?

I'm pretty sure he's a reference to Norman Bombardini.

The Broom of the System, by David Foster Wallace.

Norman Bombardini.

Character Synopsis: "He wants to ingest (consume, appropriate) everything in sight, growing larger and larger until he finally fills up the universe."

Now, all these characters are meeting in a goth bar (LIEK, SO TOTALLY LESTAT!), and after their long-winded introductions about how they smokily move to the bar, drawing the gaze of women/men, my turn to introduce myself comes in.

As best as I can recall:
"Sauntering in the door with a light grace that belies his side, you see a grotesquely obese man. He is wearing a impeccably-kept suit, prim white gloves, and a pair of well-shined two-tone wingtips. After a few minutes of bumbling about the bar and drawing the stares of the patrons, he makes his way to the bar and gives a knowing wink to the other members, signaling that the council sent him to hunt alongside you."

My friend can barely keep from breaking out in laughter. Another player looks me straight in the eye, says "Bullshit!" and whines that the GM make me change my character. I'd already gotten it (well, the general concept/bloodline) approved, so they were unwilling to do anything.

The night's activities continued, with the party acting like dumbfucks and nearly getting caught by a rent-a-cop patrolling the building we needed to steal something from, completely forgetting that everything didn't need to be finished with combat.

At the end, my friend told me she couldn't keep making sessions, but suggested I stay there because the GM tended to throw fits if too many players left at once, thinking it was a critique of their storytelling.

>>11953210

Schmee in a suit

>Macduff's asponno

>>11953532
Bombardini: Gentleman Pimp.

>>11953477
>>11953494
DING DING DING! You are correct, it was a David Foster Wallace reference. None of the other players got it, but I'm glad you guys could. It was a good story, and a great basis for a character.

So, next session, I don't really know anyone, but whatever, I figure we can all be mature. The entire party goes off seeking victims to drain, describing how they seduce their chosen partner and then, in the midst of flirting/coitus (Jesus the descriptions are lodged in my brain!) consume some vitae.So Mister Bombardini does the only thing a sensible, semi-aristocratic vampire with a lot of wealth would do.

He rushes the paperwork for a family to have a child adopted, and then, decides to deliver the child to his loving home. Only the family is fictional and he's really going to the only place children need to go; Mister Bombardini's expansive stomach.

I then proceed to describe the preparation of the child (I believe I mentioned a raspberry vinagrette, some minor tenderizing, and other things), then describe him eating it. The other players are annoyed, but then again, I had to listen to them pretend-sex the GM and then passionately get some Vitae, so why shouldn't I have a little fun? I drag it on as long as possible, and then continue with the game, secure in victory.

We then do some B&E, locate some shit, yadda yadda yadda, and discover that the political system of the ruling group is corrupt and that there is discrimination against the vampires in our hunting ground.

>Tyrannus, the God of Evil Traditions. That's his portfolio. Evil traditions.

Actually as a concept I can sort of see how this could be made to work.
Minor LE Deity who encourages subtle corruption of society on the whole in various fashions.
Like, an Efreet follower of Tyrannnus might occupy a mountain and threaten to destroy the local villages if they don't give him human sacrifices each month. Then, over time he starts giving out boons to those who give the most sacrifices. He then brings out a chart showing just what they can get if they sacrifice enough. All of this over a period of decades and maybe centuries.

>>11953653
After about 500 years of this he could probably just leave and the villages would still just sacrifice people to Tyrannus because it's what they've always done. The societies politics and religion have been built around the practice since the Efreet (or whoever. I don't think they have the patience for this sort of thing) personally puts down any attempts at rebellions (usually at a heft sacrifice fee on behalf of the people currently running the village).

>>11953653
>>11953700
And all that for a giggle or two. Marvelous.

>>11953653
Abomination unto Nugan?

>>11953720
Well I presume 500 years of dedicated human sacrifice every month would be a power boost to the guy too, but yeah.

I'm not really sure how Evil Deities benefit mechanically from human sacrifices.

>>11953617
We require more Bombardini.

>>11953730
Hercules vs the Moon-Men actually.

>>11953745
If nothing else there's severe bragging rights and political clout to be gained from that sort of thing back in hell.

Bombardini sketch complete, just...trying to scan the motherfucker. Unfortunately, the piece of shit isn't working. Gonna upload as soon as possible.

I saved the whole story. I have never enjoyed a VtMB story that much.

>>11953858
Me either.

>>11953858
Would you mind cutting it up and putting it into an image for us?

Well, I figure I owe you guys a little more before I finally get some damn sleep. Plus, I'd like to see that sketch, and can't sleep until I do.

It was at this point that the main quest came into play. One of the party members had a sire who was politically opposed to the corrupt and dirty dealing vampire evil guy (Thinly-veiled campus administrator/authority figure parody), and so he mentioned that, with a certain magical ritual that just happened to involve an orgy of fresh young victims, we could destabilize things, somehow. This will, of course, turn out to be bullshit when the more powerful vampires eventually just take the damn thing for themselves (but not before vivid descriptions of creepy sex and blood!), but we get along like little doggies.

Up until this point, there hadn't been too much real combat. A couple of ghouls, some norms, but nothing too bad. So, the players still saw Mister Bombardini as a joke and an offense to the party. The first part of this process, stealing an ancient witch's grimoire to secure the details of the magic-orgy, involved some real combat.

Now, the best part about Mister Bombardini was his ability to wreck shit up. While the other party members failed to deal with guards packing katanas (Did I mention we were stealing from an elaborate weeaboo mansion? It was turning into that kind of game....), Mister Bombardini was busy ripping men in half and wandering around, hoping to find some children.

When he accidentally stumbles on the final enemy of this session.

>>11953999
f5 f5 f5 f5 f5

>>11953999
Gwarrh! Suspense! You, sir, should just run the game.

I suppose this was the GM's attempt to kill poor Mister Bombardini for wandering off on his own, but it did not work. Due to some great rolls on my part and horrible ones on the GMs, Mister Bombardini ended up victorious and getting some decent power off of the opposed vampire. Despite this achievement, it was immediately negated to allow the party to remain "Balanced". We were successful, had the Big Book of Magic Orgies, and all was not right with the world, because it had been at least a session since Mister Bombardini was allowed to eat a child.

Normally, here is where I would just say that this game was getting bullshit and leave, but I was actively enjoying dicking around, and somehow managed to have good survivability for what was, in essence, a joke character. Plus, the ability to accidentally solo the intended 'whole party killer' was too much fun, especially considering another player died and then reinserted as basically the same character.

Problems began to ensue as the party continued going. The next mission, seeking out some mystical censer or something, involved stealth. So, good for most of the party, bad for Mister Bombardini. I opt to sit the session out, saying he was off adopting and eating children, as he tends to do.

>>11950968
>Thor is basically a pagan response to Jesus,
>Thor
You misspelled Baldur.

Sorry if its a bit rough

If I can't upload the sketch before Mr Bombardi goes to bed, I'll upload it tomorrow at this time, ok?

I'm trying, but this scanner is on it's last, sputtering breaths. It can scan it, but it's taking so long the image get's scanned oddly (I have a bit of a shaking problem when I hold something for too long, and my book is NOT the kind where I can bend it to sit flat in my scanner.

>>11954081
You're awesome. Thanks a ton, bro!

>>11954056
And you misspelled Balder.

>>11954056
I love me some Baldur y Hod.

>>11954046
Oh god no. After the final death thing, I left and haven't gamed with them since. After all, the two main reasons (Attractive goth lady and awesome character that managed to cause pure rage in annoying players) were gone, so I had no real reason. Plus the GM was a bit of an egomaniac who was writing this story into a novel (More on this later).

Well, I return, and find that the entire party has been rewarded with great riches, beautiful things they should never have, and a magical gun that can do crazy things. In other words, when I'm not around, it turns from fun game to magical game-breaky loot fest.

So, at this point, Mister Bombardini is a little behind the curve. At this point, we reach the beginning of the story, which requires a little backstory on one of our players.

"Joe" is the kind of guy who dresses like a steampunk goth and tries to let everyone know he's different. He's in his mid-twenties, and the only woman I've ever known to show any attraction to him was legitimately insane, 16, and obsessed with anime.

Now, he was playing a super-stealth ninja-goth Mekhet and failing to do it well. Lots of weeaboo/et.al., which of course brings out the rage cells, as well as a magic(k)al artifact that lets him have the vampire-sex. Finally, he talks to the GM while we're on break from the session, asking if he can role-play the next feeding encounter in a bar we're all in.

>>11954123
Baldr. surely

>>11954157
It's all the same name.

>>11954152
Oh, I totally understand. I just meant that you would make a good GM or DM.

>>11954056
And you forgot elements of Christianity were in a bunch of Nordic gods. Including Odin's hanging from Yggdrasil with a spear in his side, Thor being the son of the chief sky-god and acting as a protector to humanity, et. al. Thor has the most parallels (Aside from the dying OH WAIT RAGNAROK), and is therefore their equivalent to Jesus.

SO!
He describes the character he's going to seduce/sex up/feed upon. It's obviously someone he's interested in/stalking. This gets awkward for me really fast, as this kid is describing this chick down to work habits and place of residence.

Fortunately, Mister Bombardini is on the scene, and decides now would be a good time to have a little snack. It's opposed manipulation and seduction roll time! Mister Bombardini gets some nice bonuses thanks to role-playing (House rule, and the only one consistently followed by the GM), and pulls the woman away from creepy stalker Mekhet.

Op is troll.
Can you really not see it?

There's really nothing specially wrong with the campaign described unless you're looking to be offended.

>>11954252
this is getting good.

This thread reminds me of the time I tried to start a religion based around Russell's Teapot. But then I stopped when I realized that somebody beat me to it.

>>11954253
Almost all of my campaigns involve at least one gay character named Manny. He's usually a tailor. I do not go out of my way to be edgey and go against the normal way of things to point out that I'm a giant faggot. The difference is that one is "nobody cares" and one is "somebody please care". It's annoying.

>>11954252
That makes Mister Bombardini a troll among trolls, and my hero.

>>11954252
At this point, the player breaks off and starts yelling at me for ruining his little date-rape fantasy. GM breaks it up and points out that I legitimately won opposed seduction, even though my methods were weird (Acted like an art critic to this NPC, promised big money in patronage if her works were good, arranged to go off to loft that night with harmless old fat man).

So, one brutal killing and feeding later, Mister Bombardini has disposed of most of the evidence. Still, it wasn't a delicious, delicious child, and so he was very disappointed and couldn't finish it all. So, he decides it would be nice to split her with her original seducer, and so comes the best moment ever:

"Walking in, Mister Bombardini has a paper bag with crisply-folded edges and an odd smell. Upon entering the arranged meeting spot, he passes it to [Creepy Character] and, with a slight bow, says 'I simply couldn't finish all of her. Your taste was excellent, so I saved you the parts you seemed to be eying the most."

It was at this point I realized I had drawn the ire of a lunatic nerd who would convince the other players to hate me. Sure, I made fun of things, but they didn't up-and-up dislike me as a person then. That changed, thanks to that little action.

>>11954382
Oh jesus, please tell me he put her tits in a bag.

>>11954382
So you handed him her tits in a bag?

Dude. i don't mean to sound gay, but i fucking love you.

>>11954382
It's...glorious. I'm a Moralfag and I'm loving hearing about this character. (Mostly because you're trolling the living piss out of some annoying people.)

I can't stop f5ing!
Bombardini is a fantastic character.

Psychotic and terrifying bon vivants are nearly always good characters. I think it's a combination of the basic concept just working really well, and that the sort of people who play bad characters don't like playing fat, balding, happy men.

This deserves to be immortalized. I wish that fellow was having better luck with his scanner.

ARCHIVE THIS THREAD

You make me a sad panda /tg/.

You don't just fall for the troll, you support it.

>>11954495
Are you bothered by made up stories in a tabletop RPG thread? I think you're in the wrong place.

>>11954495
no one gives a shit about the OP anymore. this thread is all about the Bombardini

Bombardini is amazing. God amongst trolls.

I just wish that those goth fucks were on /tg/ to see it now. Well... actually I don't. We have enough trouble with nWoD vs oWoD without more complications.

Good god, after hearing that I had to edit the sketch.
He is now tipping his hate while presenting a small, bloodstained bag, with the most trollish of smiles (Not troll face, gods no, but simply a happy fat man smiling more than his face should allow) with a cigarette dangling limply from his lips.

God Speed Bombardini.

God Speed.

Well, you are partially correct. Head and tits in a bag, along with the pelvic bone.

It was here I decided to play things down a bit, realizing that the other players would get more and more pissed at me if I kept doing shit, giving this other player ammunition. Then again, he was a crazy motherfucker and tried challenging me to a boxing match to prove his manliness. I'm not a boxer, so that would be stupid, and so I told him to piss off. He continued being butthurt, and started on his roundabout plan to win over the GM.

We had the previously mentioned raids of Frats/Sororities to give them their little revenge fantasy, and Mister Bombardini ate him some children, which allowed one character to get killed by some weird flux of magic or something (It was stupid, believe me). After an intensely creepy round of tying up people, torturing them, and then doing other angsty goth things, Mister Bombardini, with his high-class manners, is disgusted with his roughshod colleagues and decides that now is the winter of his discontent.

Tension outside the game is also mounting. At this point, the player whose character died that session insisted that she shouldn't have because she was going through a tragic breakup, and of course the session must end early so that comfort can be offered by the GM. I leave early to go do other things.

I wrote a song about Bombardini it goes like this

"Oh Mr. Bombardini
He's got a huge weenie
He'll kill your first born
And put em in a martini
He weighs 600 pounds
He'll cut off your crush's mounds
Try to take him down?
You'll waste all your rounds!
He's on top
he can't be stopped
Unless you climb over a fence
because he can't hop"

>>11954623
Crude, but catchy.

Fun fact: There is no Russian God of love. The Neopagans made her up, along with their overgod, because they felt uncomfortable with all gods being Khorne or Tzeentch
Fun fact: All but the God of femininity and smiths have 'War' in their portfolio

So, I return next session, full of life and energy from having finished a project that was killing me at work. As we sit down to play, we learn the aftermath of the previous session, whereupon this orgy is described (in creepy detail) and we learn of the power usurpation. Evil guy gets power, other things happen, blah blah blah blah blah.

So, at this point, Mister Bombardini realizes that it's a good idea to cut a deal with the main villain. This group doesn't listen to him, is incredibly blase about the Masquerade, and is a threat to vampire-kind. So, in a fun little side-quest at Elysium, he talks with the head council (no orgy required, thankfully) and points out the problem. He's talked down, but the main villain approaches and offers him the aforementioned estate, wealth, and piles of delicious, delicious children.

So, at this point, things are going well. The party has no idea, there were no threats made to the council (Players have sires, you know, which in this game meant "GMPC there to fix problems"), and Mister Bombardini looks like a man made of win. Even though we got screwed over power-wise, we've still got a good thing going.

So, we're sent on a mission to a large meat-packing plant to retrieve an important ghoul and bring him to the place. There's a side quest with the aforementioned bloody magic sigils on the wall, and things seem to have cooled down.

>>11951186
Actually, a lot of the lands had no writing before Christianity was spread to them. Perhaps the tradition was passed orally before that.

>>11954711
I play in an all male DnD group and sexual situations of the smallest kind get very awkward very quickly. As a DM, I try to avoid it. I can only imagine how awkward the orgy descriptions were. It seems like one of those situations where "it would be so easy! but do I really even want to?"

Finally, we track down the stupid ghoul, who is apparently the son of the daughter of the cousin of some important figure in mystical lore or something. You know, the sort of easy pass that most GMs need to make up at times.

The party has killed most of the people in the plant, despite realizing it would simply draw attention, and when the ghoul is found, he panics and calls the cops, saying terrorists are in the plant planning on poisoning the meat. After a few minutes of back-and-forth dialogue, the ghoul is tied up, and we're trying to run away.

Except Captain Butthurt decides to shove Mister Bombardini in a freezer and lock it. No reason for possibly exposing the Masquerade to cops and news crews beyond annoyance that I ruined his rape fantasy. The entire party is okay with this because he talked to them and (using out-of-character knowledge), pointed out how he was a betrayer, despite no indications of this at all for them.

So, there he is, locked in a freezer, shivering, and waiting for the cops to show up. It's unlikely they'll bring children, and the bloodstains on the door will surely draw their attention to open it. So, Mister Bombardini does the only sensible thing, and pretends to be dead.

>>11954723
Pictures on walls, songs, stories, and even tattoos on the body were used to make their history more permanent.

>>11954797
Imagining Mr. Bombardi weighing his options. "Hm. What is the chance that they will bring children that I can concievably kill them and eat..."

>>11954790
Trust me, you wouldn't want to. The friend who got me into this mess was the only one who was at all attractive and not laden with crippling personality problems.

So, the cops find Mister Bombardini, dead in the freezer, apparently frozen to death. They take the time to haul his fat ass out of the freezer, and then things fade to the other party, who has escaped.

It seems they are in the usual goth bar, doing creepy things and cheering their success. They delivered the ghoul, they'll soon get magical sex, and all is right in their world. Interactions continue, and the GM mentions that I need to role-play my escape.

Now, Mister Bombardini was planning to simply run from the morgue, but it seems the GM has other ideas. Namely, that a news crew should take interest in the body, along with about five cops. Why, I don't know, but apparently a fat man dead in a freezer is cause for news in this world.

Upon being poked, Mister Bombardini realizes that there is a camera on him. Therefore, the only option is to kill the cameraman. Now, here's where things get bullshit. The GM starts pumping up the awesome of bullets, trying to knock me down and get me out of the game. Still, Mister Bombardini has an incredible capacity for Vitae, and he'd eaten recently, leading to a quick massacre and a deep pit in his stomach. Unfortunately, there were no children around, but there was definitely the next best thing; cheating party members.

>>11954885
Please tell me you at least got a sympathy blowjob from the friend for getting you into this shitpile.

THE DEVIL SCANNER HAS BEEN BESTED!

Gentlemen, I present you with shitty Bombardi Sketches, one of two.

Truly you are all saints for waiting.

FIRST IMAGE, our devilish hero presenting the choicest pieces of meat to our Goth Friend, offscreen. The bag may have been small, but Bombardi found a way to make everything fit, don't you worry.

>>11954909
Nope, she found a guy while this was happening. Actually decent person, for once, so I figured she was pretty well off and I wouldn't be the kind of dick to tempt her from that shit. Though the stories of it are almost reward enough.

Mister Bombardini decides that the best way to start his vengeance is by riding in style. After appropriating the Action News Van and driving it near the location, he proceeds to hide in one of the rooms that these players used so often for creepy sex scenes and other such nonsense. Then, realizing that hiding as a 600-pound man is futile, he simply sits on the conveniently-placed bed, and waits.

One of the players, before they faded over to me, said they were taking a victim up to the 'special room'. They then decided they wanted to change this, because they knew what was in store. The GM decided to be merciful (After all, I wasn't in great shape at the moment) and didn't let her change things.

After a brief scene of her cautiously telling the other people where she's going, player heads up to the room. Upon entering, she is greeted by a fat man, sitting primly on the bed. It is here that combat ensues, and you know the rest of this little story.

>>11955057
>Bombardi
Oh, come on, now.

Picture Two, of Two.

A quick one done while waiting for the Scanner to BEGIN WORKING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, here we have Bombardi at home, having just finished a meal (I leave the contents to your imagination) and pondering the next.

>>11955073
Oh son of a bitch, I misnamed them.

Weeeell you win some you lose some.

Mister Bombardini reminds me a bit of Pierrot Le Fou from Cowboy Bebop

Finally, on the subject of the "novel" of this game. My friend, realizing that I was trolling these people hardcore and managed to turn a terrible game into something hilarious, got me a copy of the main draft of things. She figured I was owed it, and to be honest, while the situation left me with rage and a bad taste in my mouth, I figured if things were at all accurate, it'd be amusing.

Except Mister Bombardini wasn't in it.

That's right, thanks to the efforts of the members who were annoyed with the character, he was removed. All actions of his were given to other characters, nothing resembling him existed in this piece of work, and all clever lines and entertaining moments were stolen from Mister Bombardini.

So, that is the legendary tale of Mister Bombardini. He lived, he died, he became an obese vampire who ate children, and he was retconned out of a shitty novel. I thank you all for listening to this saga, and for now, I shall sleep.

Someday, I shall return to /tg/, and from henceforth, I shall post under the glorious moniker of Mister Bombardini, should I care enough to figure out how to tripcode.

>>11955172
Double Pound sign, followed by your password comrade.
Soooo it would be

Mr. Bombardini##whateverthepasswordis

>>11955172
Just type "MrBombardini##Somepassword" in the name field, Mr. Bombardini.

>>11955172
Thank you for sharing that story with us.

I guess you owe it to him - we'll remember mister Bombardini, even if those boring goths won't

>>11955172
Excellent work. Thanks for dropping by and sharing your story with us tonight. If it's alright with you, I would like to use Mister Bombardini as inspiration for a recurring badguy in my future games. Acceptable?

I fully allow any use of Mister Bombardini as a villain. Remember: he is classy, he is prim, he believes in revenge, and he is a gentleman without a care in the world.

>>11950756
>protect children
>Satanism
>Satan

I'm sorry, what?

>>11955256
We'll always remember Bombardini.

I'm also going to keep drawing him, haven't drawn in a while, and you have provided the most gentlemanly of muses.

>>11950141

...

I have to ask, was this person wearing a Che Guevara shirt and have a bong on the table?

>>11955256

You know, I quite fancy attempting a little story about Mr. Bomardini. Was he meant to be English, French, American or some other nationality? And what political movement did he belong to (I'm guessing probably not the Circle of the Crone. Far too uncivilised)

is this archived? tell me this is archived

>>11955256

Well, as it happens, the players of my weekly Changeling game have recently pissed off a true fey known as the Starving King, lord of the Redcaps, and I hadn't yet come up with any details about the regal fellow!

Pic related, it's what's for dinner!

My fellow fa/tg/uys.

If I ever become a soapbox GM like the ones mentioned in this thread. Please, smash my face in with a claw hammer. Smash it until even my own mother won't recognize me, because momma won't wanna see me anymore.

He was meant to be American-imitating-English. Think back to the 1920s and 30s, back when men were men, women were women, and vampires were Bela Lugosi.

As for his clan? Come on, that's easy. Invictus.

Remember, kids; Mister Bombardini is there to help you out. And now to stop lying and actually sleep, because it's nearly 4 AM and I have a lot of reading to do tomorrow.

Do you know what time it is /tg/?

Archive time.

>>11955656
Huh... struck me as a sort of Italian fellow.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/11950118/

archiv'd

>>11955787

Noble anon, people like you are people that make 4chan in general and /tg/ in particular great. I am proud to be your fellow fa/tg/uy and gamer. I salute you sticking it so those retards that were jerking their egos off and only wish that I could have seen this. You. Are. Awesome.

bumping because everyone should know about Mister Bombardini.