-Infiltrating a city, assassinating important officials, bombing the City Hall, poisoning the city water supply, murdering any and all trade caravans approaching the city, slaughtering any refugees leaving the city, and kidnaping and brutally murdering the local Lord and his family is NOT an appropriate April Fools prank.
-At no point will there be a Drow rendition of West Side Story.
-Suggesting we kill and eat the NPC is a joke. Actually killing and eating her is a horrific crime.
-If the DM can’t spell it, I can’t make a curse that causes it.
-The next time we play Shadowrun, I cannot have any gun that the troll can’t carry.
-My paladin is never to be allowed alone with prisoners EVER again.
-My barbarian had better not berserk while braiding the sorceress’ hair.
-On second thought, my barbarian shouldn’t be braiding her hair, anyway.
-I will not use my high Charisma to convince anyone to name their first-born child a dick joke, especially not the King and Queen.
-The next time we time travel, I will not seduce, marry, and then abandon a young Queen Victoria.
-No inventing the Hair-Metal band in the Forgotten Realms.
-My tech-priest does not sound like, act like, or look like Danny DeVito.

-Christopher Walken is not all-seeing, all-powerful, and did not create the Universe, so I can’t get spells from worshiping him.
-The dragon is not named Fluffy, and the next person to suggest otherwise gets eaten.
-The next pun my cleric makes results in losing his powers.
-My troll will not eat copious amounts of bean burritos a few hours before we load into the tiny car to go on a mission.
-When we save the princess, I cannot cop a feel.
-Same goes for when we rescue the prince.
-“CHEESE WHEEL” is neither a battle cry, nor a religion.
-Summoned creatures are good for combat, not for all-you-can-eat buffets.
-“DO A BARREL ROLL” does not work in Rogue Trader.
-If it talks, writes, or displays any sign of higher intelligence, it is no longer on the menu.

-My Legend of the Five Rings Lion clan does not have a Scottish accent.
-The next “Yo Momma” joke my Elf makes will result in spontaneous combustion.
-My Dwarf can not use his beard as a melee weapon.
-The length and thickness of my Dwarf’s beard does not add to my intimidate score.
-I am not allowed to make a Dwarf who thinks he is a female, elven sorceress.
-My grand, master plan had better not be an excuse to re-enact any Monty Python skit.
-No part of any plan will involve a song-and-dance routine, for any reason.
-I will never say the line, “Is that a +1 short sword in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
-I do not supply sound effects out of game. My character does not supply sound effects in game.
-I do not get the Rod of Wonder, for any reason.
-It’s only funny to wake up with one dead Bugbear in your bed, once. Waking up to ten dead Bugbears, seven nights in a row, is sexual harassment.
-No matter how well my investigator rolls, it is not possible to intimidate a Mi-Go.
-No matter how well my investigator rolls, it is not possible to seduce a Mi-Go
-High explosives should not be my investigator’s first response to anything strange.
-I can not use the Fireball spell outside of combat.

-I do not get to milk any creature, for any reason. Especially elves.
-Next time I imply that the Elf is a prostitute, I lose EXP.
-No starting a Bolshevik Revolution in Shadowrun. The megacorps do not approve of a Worker’s Paradise.
-No encouraging small, family run business in Shadowrun. The megacorps do not approve of a small-company based economy, either.
-Just because my Malkavian CAN play the tuba, does not mean that he SHOULD.
-Opera singing is not an appropriate, or sensible, hobby for my scum.
-Singing opera while in Crinos WILL result in a horrible, and painful, death.
-My Malkavian does NOT get a mortar, ever again.
-I can no longer play as a Malkavian.
-I do not get to quote Dirty Harry.
-Any plan I suggest that starts with, “Okay, I saw this on TV once. . .” is a bad idea.
-My investigator cannot be a suicide bomber, who just shouts “ALLAH AKBAR!” and blows up.
-If my home-made hat induces a SAN check, it is not “kewl.”
-When soldiers are put under my command, I will not just use them for components for a flesh golem.
-If it weighs twenty tons, flies, and can shoot lightening: it is not a hamster, regardless of how it started.

-Making up euphemisms for genocide is not a “wholesome hobby.”
-Ending my back story with “Bel-Air” is punishable by instant character death.
-I had better stop making up medical disorders.
-I may not make any part of any enemy into a codpiece and the wear it.
-Familiars are useful for more than just throwing in the enemy’s face as a distraction.
-Next Pokemon reference I make when I summon something will earn me a punch to the face.
-The “Thriller” dance is not what zombie minions are for.
-I cannot use pick-up lines on the evil Dragon-Queen.
-A seduction score is not a substitute for an INT score.
-I can not have a unreasoning fear of halflings, especially if I am one.
-“But I’m a barbarian!” is never an acceptable excuse.
-My bard does not rock out.
-Nor does he get his freak on.

-Any character that is a living violation of the Geneva conventions is not allowed.
-No, I can’t use the orphans for target practice.
-No, I can’t use the orphans for spell components.
-No, I can’t use the orphans to make tons of small zombies.
-If my character goes Crinos at one more birthday party, he dies.
-Drow are not good eatin’.
-The same goes for Driders.
-My plan should not involve the words, “chickens,” “trained midgets,” “Sir Isaac Newton,” and “Thermite.”
-Making dick jokes while in Crinos is right out.
-My paladin should not be based on John Cleese.
-My bard should not be based on Eric Idle.
-Charging into battle screaming in blood thirst, chopping the enemy in half, throwing one half at the nearest foe, etc. is viable and in-character for a half-orc, berserking barbarian. Not so much for my half-elf, cowardly sorcerer, regardless of how well I roll.
-Our back-up plan should be more than for me to cast fireball, and run away.

-Animal taming-type skills do not apply to sentient creatures. Especially elves.
-“I Berserk” should not be my first response to any complicated situation. Like a political forum.
-Convincing the bard to attempt to seduce the Lich is forbidden.
-The Gregorian chant version of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” was a one time thing, and is not to be mentioned again.
-There is no prestige class: “Pimp”
-My monk’s kung-fu is not stronger than yours.
-By the Power of Greyskull, I do not have the power.
-My roleplaying of romance cannot just be the lyrics of Erasure’s “Always.”
-I cannot surf the Elf.
-I cannot surf the Dwarf, either.
-Or the Human, or the Half-Orc. . .
-My Guardsman does not enjoy show tunes.
-My rogue trader cannot have a harem of Eldar women.

-Having a pet Dragon and naming him Gungurthrax the Annihilator of Souls is scary. Having a pet cat and naming him Gungurthrax the Annihilator of Souls is silly. Having a pet Dragon that acts like a cat and naming him Gungurthrax the Annihilator of Souls is just plain insane.
-I cannot have a Hero in Mutants and Masterminds named ‘Rape-Man.’
-Anything that makes the DM cry is probably a bad thing.
-Killing the Inquisitor for “Lack of Faith in the Emperor” is just a bit TOO zealous, even for my priest.
-Just because he is a bit rough with his lasgun, my tech-priest cannot kill the Guardsman.
-Orcs will only fall for, “Look out! A Dragon!” three times per fight.
-Killing the King’s Chamberlain because they’re ALWAYS evil is not okay. Especially during the Royal Ball.
-My wizard was not trained at Hogwarts.
-My wizard does not put on his robe and hat prior to sexual relations.
-My wizard is most certainly not named “Rincewind.”

-I can not have the corpses of fallen PCs.
-I am to stop implying that the King is gay, as he has not fathered any heirs.
-I can not cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on myself.
-I can not cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on the party leader during important meetings.
-My psyker is forbidden from intentionally trying to roll Perils of the Warp, even if it is funny.
-I cannot have a bunch of low-level bards as followers, and start a traveling orchestra.
-If I roleplay out my bard’s song, it had better not be made out of double-entendres.
-I am not to leave the BBEG alive, bring her along with us, and force her to be my personal dancing girl.
-Making a move on the Queen is not cool, especially when in court. While the King is sitting next to her.
-I cannot have smoke bombs.
-Ogryn are not a traditional food of my people.

-It is not possible to beard someone to death. Whatever that means.
-Smashing the door, throwing in smoke grenades, letting loose on a three-round, full auto sweep with guns, and then sending the troll through the window is a good way to attack an enemy. Not to meet a contact.
-Making misogynist comments and “little, wimpy girl” type statements to a Priestess of Llolth: Bad Idea.
-My rogue trader has never heard of Rick Astley’s hit single, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” and that is how it will stay.
-It is not possible to prank call the Imperial Navy.
-The alignment Chaotic Neutral is no longer available to me.
-The same goes for Lawful Neutral.
-I cannot base any character off Dr. Evil.
-If I were to base any character off Dr. Evil, he would not be Lawful Good.

. . . And that's it!

I leave it in your hands, /tg/.

>-My roleplaying of romance cannot just be the lyrics of Erasure’s “Always.”
Not even when confronting unicorns?

>>12248969

Apparently not, according to my DM.

Things I am no longer allowed to play or do (according to my old GMs):
- negative energy-based healers for undead soldiers
- any necromancer who carries his "backup" in a large chest
- any necromancer who has created a song/dance team from dead performers
- an illusionist specializing in hypnotics who works royal courts
- any sorceror or wizard who owns a sentient puppet familiar
- bard/barbarians who carry bagpipes
- exploding horseshoes for deployment behind enemy lines
- Symbols of Pain on shields, armor or POWs
- Symbols of Death near trench graves ("as a time saver")
- Symbols of Sleep in a brothel (to generate funds ICly)
- Sepia Snake Sigils on message arrows
- Exploding Runes on floors, ceilings, walls, sleeping enemies (the last one is written backwards and a mirror left nearby)
- any course of action involving more than two words from the following list:
>exploding
>corrosive
>flaming
>freezing
>poisonous
>smoke
>cloud
>turtle
>sheep
>diuretic
>tricorn hat
>Royal Mint
>water supply
>Rust Monsters
>astral travel

Any and all references to the Wire have been specifically forbidden for me.

Base one Half Elf Bard on Presbaluski and suddenly your a jerk.

>>12248989

>- exploding horseshoes for deployment behind enemy lines

Stolen. Along with the rest of these.

I fucking lol'd at like 3/4s of these. Wish I had some of my own to share

>>12248989

Banning turtle tricorn hats only shows how much hate your DM has in their heart.

I also was not allowed to use Magic Mouth as a psychological weapon.
>Singing helmets
>Moaning corpses
>Humming firewood
>Screaming coins
>Poetry jam sessions by skulls
>Whistling tunics
I was pretty much the bane of every thief and watchmen in that campaign. If my DM is reading this, I'm not sorry, but I do feel somewhat bad for putting you through that. You did put us from Eberron into Ravenloft, so you had to expect something.

I can't play anything force sensitive in SW:Saga

But my noble will kick your bounty hunter's ass. I guarantee it.

I am no longer allowed to:
–Play a hipster Paladin
–...Especially if he worships Gruumsh "ironically"
–Refer to wondrous items as "pimp accessories"
–Wield the captive as an improvised weapon
–Shout "Fly my pretties fly" when casting Summon Nature's Ally.
–Hire my Wizard out as a house cleaner
–Hire my Barbarian out as a house cleaner
–Block doorways with my towershield
–Throw gold pieces at the Monk with Vow of Poverty, hoping one will land in his pocket
–Cast Enthrall to make a barmaid listen to my old Cleric's meandering babble.

>>12249035
The tricorn hat thing had to do with a magic item he gave us which would make whatever clothing we needed/wanted, provided we fed it a coin (the better the value of the coin, the better quality item it produced). My character, a drunken Wu Jen (forced to drink to break his taboo or half the part would be killed by a kappa we colloquially referred to as "That Cunt of a Kappa" was left alone with the magic clothing machine, a bag of copper coins and his new hat.
Result:
>TRICORN HATS FOR EVERYONE!
Seriously, he went from around 100 copper to 100 tricorn hats in a little under twenty minutes.

>>12249066
>–Cast Enthrall to make a barmaid listen to my old Cleric's meandering babble.
Deckard Cain?
>Stay a while, and listen!

>My tech-priest does not sound like, act like, or look like Danny DeVito.

Glorious!

In other news, I'm not allowed to base guardsmen off of Charlie.

Load all spare cargo space with non-humanoid xenomorph pornography while smuggling spice to discourage Imperial customs inspectors.

Weld shut smuggling compartments with Jedi bounties in them. Especially not to see if Force Meditation will keep them alive.

Carry lightsabers as trophies while transporting said Jedi bounties.

Develop new markets for xenomorph pornography while on covert missions for the Empire.

-Summon Mount spell can only be used to summon mounts, not as a makeshift flotation device for the drowning paladin while flying 90 feet above the water.
-when fighting a druid in bird form, it's not a good idea to also switch to bird form and have a "BIRD BATTLE!" with a 1d4-2 damage attack with 20HD of hp.
-when interrogating terrorists atop Big Ben, it's best not to forget to disarm the bomb first before sneaking out of the building and giving the security camera a thumbs up.
-When you succeed an Ancient Red Dragons intimidation with a natural 20, you tend to piss off you allies when you retaliate by throwing your spare pocket coin in his face, then proceeding to ask him if he's "gonna pick that up?!"
-a summon-able coffer filled with explosive potions is best used as a last ditch effort to defeat the BBEG, not a dowry.
-it is never acceptable to roll for anal circumference. especially in the middle of a crowning ceremony.
-going outside for a "breath of fresh air" tends to be deadly while traveling via space ship.

My DM is really forgiving... I've yet to read something I couldn't get away with at least once...

>>12249066
>–Block doorways with my towershield

Oh c'mon. That's a perfectly reasonable tactic.

- While funny at the time I am forbidden from ever again creating a character solely based on out-mary sueing the special snowflake character of the groups current "that guy" on account of the fact that I'm apparently too good at playing annoying characters.

- On that note I have been informed by our DM that if I ever again even joke about playing a Kender he'll cut off my balls.

- I'm not allowed to scream "RAPE!" when the paladin tries to lay hands on me.

- The verbal component for Irresistible Dance is not the Benny Hill theme song.

- Even if it was I'm not allowed to play a recording of it while casting said spell.

- Or any other spell...

- "Fuck you, you ass spelunking turd juggler" is not the verbal component for any spell.

- Nor is flipping the bird a somatic component.

- Creating a commoner character and playing his rise to glory as he becomes a skilled ranger is a cool character concept. Having said character at 11th level assume the fetal position and cry in terror every time he sees a house cat due to a "bad experience he had before he was a ranger" is not allowed.

When the ship's O2 levels are critical during space travel due to electrical fires, my Hazat noble is no longer allowed to thaw out the servants and order them to form a bucket brigade.

I am not allowed to use more than three source books in the creation of a character, no matter what the system is. If the system is supported by a regular magazine, each issue counts as a separate source book.

I am not allowed to play tinker gnomes. Ever.

I am not allowed to play any form of undead, even in an undead campaign. Even in Vampire: The Masquerade or Requiem.

I am not allowed to purchase equipment at a supermarket, home depot/lowes, or Wal Mart in any modern age game.

I am not allowed to to play the party's designated driver or have any aversion to alcohol.

I am not allowed to use low-tech weapons in a sci-fi campaign.

I am not allowed to play an engineer of any kind.

>Creating a commoner character and playing his rise to glory as he becomes a skilled ranger is a cool character concept. Having said character at 11th level assume the fetal position and cry in terror every time he sees a house cat due to a "bad experience he had before he was a ranger" is not allowed.

I lol'd

>>12249224

Solution: MacGuyver the shit out of everything.

>>12249263
Sounds like this is the source of those problems rather then the solution.

I'm apparently not allowed to ask the Rouge Captain across a harbor market place to "...tell me where to tell the crew to place his dolls."

When they're statues of primarchs and the emprah that go in a shrine room.

Also, I'm not allowed to make a psyker who's a huge pervert. Mischievous as it may have been....

>>12249263
that's what got me in trouble and got those rules instituted in the first place.....

im not allowed to

gain the mining helliot or any other things that will lower my fel. to 2 as all my tests are already at neg 10 so im failing on virtually everything under average tests on anything other than a 1.

blow up any more ships with my entire party still on, then force the wreckage into the warp.

jump out of a 3 story building with a cleric holding onto me, use him as a sheild for oncoming bullets then as a cusion when i land

have a toughness over 86 untill level 6,
have a toughness bonus over 16 ever

My hunter can not be based on Buffy
My werewolf can't be based on Oz
None of my characters can be based on anything i saw in buffy

I've been banned from playing pirates in any genre, because of my accent, and unwillingness to speak "common"

>“DO A BARREL ROLL” does not work in Rogue Trader.

Yes it does.

My group did it.

>summosed Indica

>>12249287
you're not allowed to misspell rogue either

>>12249512
This for me as well.

Who'd thunk adept->malefic scholar would work so well for Willow?

I have been banned from playing. My characters are aparently always too "broken."

>>12249620

My group does it regularly. I suppose it's fair, since the pilot is rolling under 115. And he has a reroll.

-My Dwarf may not worship his own beard as a deity.

-Throwing dice at my players to see if they flinch is not an acceptable substitute for a willpower check.

-The next time I invite a RPG newbie over to play for a single session of the campaign and then disapear forever, I will lose my favorite piece of equipment.

>>12249709

Gotta love stacking them bonuses.

>cowlness discipline

-im not allowed to base anything off of anything from Firefly.
-im not allowed to base anything of any of Joss Whedon's creations

While the Freeboota is a filthy xeno, it is worth remembering that he is nominally on my side. Therefore, telling him that 'Airstrike' means 'Charge!' in High Gothic is probably in poor taste.

Adding a component that electrifies the shore party's melee weaponry is acceptable and indeed laudable behaviour for an Enginseer. Adding the same enhancement to the metal horns attached to the Freeboota's skull is borderline tech-heresy. The argument 'But now he can throw lightning by headbanging!' is no excuse, especially when he also does it every time he agrees with somebody.

My Explorator's default response to melee combat during a boarding action should not be to scream and activate his jump-pack. Ricocheting Techpriests are not a hazard the DM has the rules for on-hand.

My Explorator's default response to being talked to by a girl should not be to scream and activate his jump-pack either. It can cause distress, especially when done at formal occasions. Such as my own wedding.

>>12249788
convince your group to play serenity

>>12249795

>such as my own wedding

This is where I lost it.

My own contributions:

No longer allowed to have a kender aboard a ship.

No longer allowed to act out a kender's crying fit.

Pretty much banned from playing kender, period.

Not allowed to take 'stone statue head' as a weapon proficiency.

Not allowed to commit diablerie ever again.

Not allowed to use a Deck of Many Things again.

Not allowed to gang up and kill the DMPC even if he's a real asshole.

My troll's biography will not include the phrase 'sweet, sweet love'

My battlecruiser does not include a discotheque, bowling alley, IMAX, or strip joint.

Can't have a gun capable of using other PC's as ammo.

The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes.

Can't target the starship's radiator.

Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.

Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.

Let's not see how far I can lower crew morale before the game begins.

Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.

When told to play a teenage high school girl, that doesn't include East German swimmers named Sergi.

Despite what you'd think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn't restore my humanity.

'Getting Uppity' is not a capital offense. Even to a Rogue Trader.

No taking Peace Activists as favored enemies just because they are easy targets.

I am no longer allowed to purchase small animals in quantities of 100 or more. No, no one cares what I am planning.

No, I cannot keep trying to Jedi Mind-Trick somebody until I get a twenty on my roll.

Surfing on a mermaid is awesome. Gliding with one is a poor idea.

No, I cannot force the villain to make a save vs fear by describing exactly how I intend to disembowel him no matter how vividly I describe it.

if i say something that makes the entire group facepalm i'm not allowed to talk again

- I am no longer allowed to utter the phrase "And then the raccoon showed up."
-I am no longer allowed any kind of tobacco, pipe, or any other smoking apparatus.
-I am no longer allowed to name anything Juan Pedro and carry them with me in my special purse.
-I am required to be circumcised. at all times.

>>12249963
what did you say to cause an entire group to facepalm?

>>12249981
>-I am required to be circumcised. at all times.
why?

I'm not allowed to be the party medic as well as interrogator, nor am I allowed to talk to Arbites unsupervised. That was a fun scum, I literally made the GM silent with horror one time and I later got an Arbites lieutenant to give me a badge because I lost mine. It helps when your older brother is an actual Arbite and you just tell them to look up the last name. We were only brothers because the generator gave us both an Arbite father with the same name somehow, different moms but we shared a sister I think.

>>12249981
>>"And then the racoon showed up"

what in god's name did you do?

Any plan that involves skinning a party member is not going to be agreed upon.

I will not make baked good out of dead beholders.

I will not design a golem with a personality based on Weird Al Yankovic.

I can not bet the severed limb of another player character in a poker game. Yes, this includes games against monsters that eat humans.

Why am I playing poker against monsters that eat humans anyway?

No matter how many limbs I sever off of one enemy, I will not defecate on him. Nor will I pay strangers to defecate on him.

I will not design a golem that can only communicate by reciting Weird Al Yankovic lyrics.

I will not scribe the rulebook in-character. Even if the rules say I can. Even if the rules say I can twice.

If a character tells me to 'bring back' another character, they meant 'alive', not 'as a selection of bone utensils, and a princess-skin rug'.

I cannot use mind-control to make anybody engage in intimate physical contact with an animal. Especially the bards pet iguana.

>>12249993
4 words- foreskin kisses of death.

I am no longer allowed to have any equipment whose abilities require I take fire damage or be on fire.

>>12248989

Wait, why? Most of those ideas fucking rock. Your DM is a dick.

>roordho time

NO DAD NO

-When playing a druid, quoting The Trees is forbidden
-Playing an alcoholic, even as part of a hindrance is not allowed
-Playing an inventor type is forbidden or comes with steep restrictions
-My Dwarf Warrior or Barbarian or Paladin is not allowed to speak only in rhyme
-My Cleric is not allowed to worship a song god
-My Wizard cannot... be, I'm banned from him.
-I cannot sing for my Bard's perform skill

It does not matter who or what I have sex with, I cannot father a unicorn.

>>12249990
player needed to be introduced into the campaign they started in a prison
open door say "come with me if you want to live"
group face palm

>-"Voodoo priest," appear in my background story, they had better not be descriptive of my character.

Voodoo makes everything better. I played a voodoo priest/corporate executive in a world without magic and it was awesome.

>>12250081

...even if you ARE a unicorn?

I'm not allowed to play a person with multiple personality disorder ever again.

especially when I pick a magic using class, and only one of my personalities knew magic.

No, I cannot pay a wizard to make a 'vaginabear'.

>>12250056

but fire is AWESOME!

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ThingsMrWelchIsNoLongerAllowedToDoInAnRPG

OP ripped this off.

any character I make either has to be a bearman or bear related.

I have no option in this, it's been forced on me.

>>12250028
I always had something different for him. Sometimes he was a ravenous rabies-infested beast that stole shiny items and tried to get with the female character at night, other times it was a bandit that threw sticks and dirt in peoples eyes right before something important happened, and finally there was the little raccoon boy... He appeared in paintings lining the halls and would sing Wanted Dead or Alive in monotone until he was set on fire.

Goddammit, I not the host of the "Fantasy O'Reilly Factor". Nor is the gnome "Fantasy Oprah".

-I can't carry more than two vials of poison at a time
-If I am carrying more vials of poison at a time, such as, from the lab to the home; I have to stay 20 feet away from all pits.
-If, for some odd reason, I do decide to approach a pit while carrying more than 2 vials of poison, I better have drunk an antidote.
-If I didn't drink an antidote, and fell into a pit, I will be left there to die.
-(This one is not about me). If the party paladin, for some odd reason, decides to help the wizard out of the pit, smears himself with Black Lotus Extract, and also dies, it be upon his own head.
-I am not allowed to make deals with the enemies of our allies. Well, I technically am, but that means our Diplomancer and fighter will kill me.
-I am not allowed to polymorph myself into a lusty, curvy elven wench, cast Clone, and have sex with my own body.
-Nor am I allowed to polymorph myself into a lusty, curvy elven wench; dominate another PC, polymorph him into a lusty, curvy elven wench and have sex with her either.
-I am not allowed to create a barrel of alchemist fire, and then roll it off a ramp in a tavern.

Also, one that's somewhat legit:

I'm not allowed to make sound tactical and strategic decisions without having ranks in Knowledge: Warfare

>soldier's merwaide

I am not allowed to steal the soldier's merwaide, no matter how inexplicable it is.

>>12248989
>"Okay guys, we're going to cloud turtle the Royal Mint water supply."
>"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THAT IS FOUR THINGS ON THE LIST."

>>12250167
and welch ripped off skippy's list
OP's "can't dos" are new not exactly ripping off

>>12250225
I have no idea what that would entail, but it sounds awesome.

I am not allowed to use grenades regardless of setting

i'm not allowed servo skulls

i'm not allowed to make servo skull from the corpses of the orphanage we just accidentally blew up. nor from the corpse of the DMPCs wife who head 'magically' decapitated itself

i'm not allowed to play a tech-priest named HAL

i'm not allowed to force/charm/intimidate the ship computer into having a HAL complex

I'm not allowed the crafting skill in any White Wolf game

i'm not allowed to play any form of ghost

I'm not allowed to buy ANY ceremonies in Giest

i'm not allowed to be present in any of the ceremonies in Giest

I'm not allowed to create a virus that can be used as an anchor for ghosts (even tho the book wasn't against it)

that virus is not allowed to be my vanitas

im not allowed to trap thousands of anchored ghosts to said virus

im not allowed to use the super ghost virus to give me constant world-wide sight/ clairvoyancey

If my characters backstory sounds suspiciously like "Huckleberry Finn", he is vetoed.

I will never attempt to sell a dead party member to a zombie, a lizardfolk, or a nighthag. I will certainly not do it like an auctioneer.

If we fail to rescue the princess, I cannot buy the king a prostitute and tell him to "just get another".

Never again allowed to play a malkavian with multiple personalities based upon Hitler's advisors.
Never again allowed to play a illiterate deaf mute in a CoC game.
Not allowed to have my fighter who used to be a cobbler specialize in tack hammer.
Not allowed to have my fighter who used to be a blacksmith specialize in anvil dropping.
Not allowed to play a gangrel if I am going to use wolf form just to urinate on sleeping characters and blame it on their guard dogs.
Not allowed to play a gnomish inventor and "invent" a tommy gun.
Not allowed to power my magic with the blood of infants.
Not allowed to have my combat medic open up a Abortionarium.
Not allowed to have my DH priest believe in the FSM rather than the emperor.
Not allowed to fleshcraft our prisoner into a loli and let them loose at a sex offender therapy group.
Not allowed to use the men in black flashy thing to convince the rest of the party that we are a barbershop quartet.
Not allowed to purge the orphanage with fire.
Not allowed to purge the hospital with fire.
Not allowed to purge the firestation with... fire.
Not allowed to convince the tech priest he needs to reformat himself.
Not allowed to duct tape servo skulls to my shoulders in an attempt to pass as a member of the legion of the damned.
Not allowed to convince the freebooter that eating his own arm will make it grow back.
Not allowed to use lawn gnomes as improvised explosives.
Never allowed to intentionally botch a willpower roll just because I want to cause a TPK.

Spells I cannot create:
Summon Panties
Raining Turtles
Turn Flesh to Hat
OJ's Enhanced Aquittal
Super Turn-Into-Gigantic-Ozzie-Attack Go!
Summon J-Pop
Summon Backup Dancers
Turn Flesh to Ice Cream
Parappas Improved Rap
Anything containing 'Batman'.
Captain Falcons Mastered Prostate Exam
Turn Flesh to Rock'n'Roll
Any spell that forces the target to talk like Rainman, Rocky Balboa, or Axel Rose.

Also, I do not have a "scroll of kiss-my-ass, Dragon".

It doesn't matter how much money I have, I can buy neither of "wand of change-sexuality" nor a "wand of uncontrollable horniness". No one is interested in hearing how I intended to dispatch the demon lord with these items.

I cannot convince the arena master to hold a competitive orgy instead of combat. Nor will he 'collaborate with me in designing some sort of death-tennis".

I cannot use illusions to make it appear that the king of another country is sodomizing any animal, person, or inanimate object, even if it's purpose is to demoralize his troops/ gain morale for ours.

I cannot hire prostitutes to seduce guards.

Or nobles.

I am not allowed any form of poison, including animal companions with poisonous abilities.

I cannot become so rich that I can boss a king around, noble blood means noble attitude (or so the DM says).

That said, no amount of gold can pay for the indignity of my bard impregnating the princess and fleeing the country.

Also, rust monsters are not tameable as mounts for me under any circumstances, even if legal books say otherwise.

>>12250503
>I cannot use illusions to make it appear that the king of another country is sodomizing any animal, person, or inanimate object, even if it's purpose is to demoralize his troops/ gain morale for ours.

>Not allowed to use lawn gnomes as improvised explosives.

alright, im gonna try this

-There is no spell to react to rocks falling and causing instantaneous death.

I've tried it, once... GM didn't like me too much.

Star Wars D20.

1. Am never again allowed to pilot freighter.
2. Am never allowed to bring thermal detonator to bounty negotiations.
3. Am never again allowed to head said negotiations.
3."But Han did it" is no longer an applicable excuse.
4. Must never speak to any Imperial Officer.
5. Never again allowed to customize party members weapons. Ever.
6."I have a cunning plan" will immediatly be responded to with a slap round the head.
7. Must never secretly commit genocide just to try and get life debt from a wookie.
8. Must never use said wookie as ablative armour.
9. Am never allowed to name ships.
10. Never allowed to plot jumps without close supervision. (I once changed the coordinates while nobody was looking and jumped the ship right into the middle of the Battle for Endor. Though it would be awesome. But no, no it wasnt).

>>12250557

>Not allowed to use lawn gnomes as improvised explosives.

Great story about that.

We were playing a post apoc game set in North Dakota. Small town, nothing really fancy, and supplies weren't just running out, they were almost all gone. Combined with raiders, and the fact that we knew of a moderately sized city a few weeks travel away, and we decided to take the whole town and hoof it and leave the raiders to the empty city.

They followed us and shortly after we got into the town, the raiders showed up. The town had actual fuel and water, and was gold mine of stuff we could use to rebuild and fortify if we had enough time. Which sadly, we did not since the raiders were right behind us. GM had a chart of random stuff in the city and rolled up a gunpowder factory, and a ceramic lawn gnome store.

Voila, filled the gnomes with gunpowder and gravel, put them fucking everywhere, and the few we didn't use as IED's, we rigged a poor catapult to launch.

So, picture it, here you are, a big bad ass raider, chasing after these malnourished city dwellers who you have been tormenting for months, and just when you are about to finally catch them all at once, the sky starts raining gnomes that explode.

Ever since then we called them Fuel Air Gnomes. I've got three in my yard just in case.

Never again will I be allowed to use Bigby's Bowel Movement to summon shit elementals.

>>12250745
>GM had a chart of random stuff in the city and rolled up a gunpowder factory, and a ceramic lawn gnome store.

>Voila

I am not allowed to:
~ Play a Character called Jesus Sanchez in a Star Trek game.
~ Said Jesus will never be a Captain in said Star Trek Game
~ And he will not have a Ship called the U.S.S Tequila, or the U.S.S Mexican Jesus.
~ Shoot our Klingong exchange officer with a B.B. gun.
~ Piss on Sisko's desk.
~ To wear severed elf heads as codpieces.
~ To catch Ghoul Fever from my Elf head codpiece, and give my penis a bite, and claw attacks.
~ To make a Gnome, with a portal fed into a magical pipe, round enough to fit a housecat in it.
~ To launch housecats out of this pipe at my foes.
~ To have this character as Lawful Good.
~ No matter how good I roll, I am not Neo. EVER.
~ Get Armour Spikes only on my codpiece, and then use Smite Evil on Succubi.

>Fuel Air Gnomes

This is full of so much win. I am gonna totally steal this for my D20 Modern game.

- I'm not allowed to attack my own pack mates in a Sabbat game. Even if they flirt with each other.
- I'm not allowed to play a Ravnos in the Camarilla. Especially if he's on the Path of Paradox.
- I'm not allowed to play a Son of Ether who thinks the Order of Hermes are a bunch of superstitious pricks. Especially when everyone else in the game is part of the Order of Hermes.
- Punk Rock Werewolf is not an acceptable Bone Gnawer concept to play.
- I'm not allowed to play a gnome bard that likes to sing songs about zombies killing people. Especially after the city was attacked by zombies.
- Likewise, telling the paladin that threatens to throw me into the graveyard with the undead that I'd just end up bring them back to the tavern for a drink is not something that I'm allowed to do.
- I'm not allowed to try and start a revolution by blowing up a government building on November 5th.

-I am not allowed to ever use perform comedy again
-I am not allowed to ever use perform Storytelling
-I am not allowed to use changeself and seduce other PCs love interests and family members.
-If I ever tell the Pink Pingpong Ball joke ever again my character will die in a horrible fashion
-Not allowed to restart the Last War
-No matter what the occasion, I am not allowed to suggest "Kill them all and let god sort them out" as plan B
-Or as plan A
-I am not allowed to suggest tactical decisions if I know they will have comical or destructive byproducts
-"Nuke the entire site from orbit" is not the solution to everything

>>12250225
A bit of explanation:
>cloud
Bought up 25 potions of Gaseous Form and used them to make an erstwhile bombing group by giving them to our POWs. They tried to get home in one solid cloudy mass and float over their city... and I was chasing them with a wand of Dispel Magic. Poof. Meat bombing began.
>turtle
My Wu Jen ate that Cunt of a Kappa, breaking his "no meat eating" taboo. I served him to the rest of the party as "turtle soup worthy of offending the [gods]".
>Royal Mint
My rogue character poisoned around 3,000 gold coins with saliva-activated toxins. When people would bite the coin to test their realism... instant paralysis, then death.
>water supply
I should have been a little more careful with the quicksilver golem's remains, granted, but everyone in those villages was evil. The Paladin said so.

>>12252248
I am stealing Royal Mint
This is too good to pass up

- No longer to do interrogations in dark heresy after doing a 4 chained richeous fury roll on a NPC
- No longer allowed to convince the tech to fix my guns into a better condition they were when I found them
- no longer to convince the tech to turn a rhino transport into a winnebago for our team
- no longer can get the tech to modify weapons
- no longer can say "im not a guardsman, im a doctor god damnit" when playing an Adept that took nothing but healing abilities
- can no longer use a heavy flamer on a angry crowd of revolters trying to overturn a corrupt government official, just so I can kill him myself
- can no longer use my diplomacy skill by yelling "FOR JUSTICE" and rolling a natural 100 to convince guardsmen under my command to rush a pillbox and 2 tanks
- can no longer spoon with female members of our party at night...
- can no longer feel up female members...
- can no longer try to seduce the female villian
- I cant talk to women, I have to by proxy the techpriest
- cannot get into a fight with anyone that looks at my scarred face funny
- cannot happen to call up creed and get a titan
- Not allowed to ever again chase down badits in the nude after robbing us, beat them down and then t-bag the corpses

Some real ones:

-Not allowed to base a character out of anything that can kill people by touching them.
-Especially not if I actually manage to make it almost as overpowered as the real thing (sorry, Dan, the optimizing got a bit wild on that one)
-Psychological warfare doesn't mean headbutting them to death.
-If whatever I'm building requires more than four spells to make it, the answer is no.
-Having my evil gloating be so over the top that the DM himself gets scared is not forbidden, but is considered impolite.
-Time Hop is not the solution to all of the world's problems (even though it is)

my players are no longer allowed to have a ship named "my floppy cock" even if they go the extra step and paint a dead rooster on the side of the ship.

the druid is no longer allowed to quick shift all shifts will be done in 1 full round of combat

druids may no longer fly into the air as a bird and then shift into a rhino to kill an enemy

I will not tempt my party with a coin of mortality, especially considering all of them will fight over who gets it next anyway

anyone playing an awakened housecat wizard or sorc will be struck down as soon as they start playing.

likewise anyone playing an awakened elephant may not play a paladin and choose a horse as their steed.

All my players have to say this before joining any of my game
I (your name) do solemnly swear not to break the game on penalty of death and dismemberment

OP, I'm curious. Is this list some sort of fabricated joke, or is it your own inability to actually roleplay?

-Never again allowed to turn the game into Gothic Psudo-Horror by taking a character based off the Phantom of the Opera, filling my base with fucked up traps from Grimtooth, incredibly hard Puzzles and then kidnapping the Princess of the Land.
-If I do this, I cannot be playing the most moral character in the 'party'...and be the hero of the peice who saves the world and gets the girl.
-I cannot convince the other PCs to turn the Dungeon Masters Grimderp City based game into a Noblebright game by taking a Minmaxed party consisting of a Human Monk, a Monkey-man Cleric, a Tiefling Fighter and an Aasmarr with the 'Savage' template, on a journey to the West to collect the scrolls of God. Even if the game was fucking awesome.
-I am never again allowed when GMing to run a game where all the PCs share one body.
-Thri-Keen Rouges cannot reinact Alien.
-I cannot hit on the Princess we're protecting while playing a Half-Orc. I certainly cannot succeed and then turn the game into an epic tale of the socially downtrodden Half-Orc people and their rise to equality within the kingdom, accompanied by my new Wife.
-'No, fuck off' is not the Halfing way of refusing the call to Adventure.

>>12252642
Its stolen from TVTropes, which in turn stole it from the Skippy list (based on a US Army soldier's misadventures during the first Gulf War).

-not allowed to base my bard on yngwie malmsteen, herman li, or anyone from pink floyd
-not allowed to have my druid be perpetually in bear form
-especially not in towns
-or around children
-if the preceeding aren't followed, not allowed to bitch/maul the paladin when he uses me as a mount
-multiple personalities are okay for a malkavian. those personalities being the cast of sesame street is NOT okay.
-will not sully the name of mr. rogers by making a passive-agressive barbarian named after him
-not allowed to base my druid off bob ross
-will not use the gnome as a throwing weapon
-will not use the dwarf as an improvised weapon, even when its his idea
-not allowed to base my malkavian off charles manson ever again

>>12252657
>-not allowed to base my druid off bob ross
HAPPY TREES.

I am not allowed to deafen myself on purpose just so I can ignore what the rest of the party are saying.

I am not allowed to build a self-destructing jetpack. As a matter of fact, I am not allowed to have anything explosive at all.

A tetsubo is not a sword.

I am no longer allowed to shapeshift into a form smaller than a Ford Focus.

There is no such thing as a quadruple battleaxe.

>High explosives should not be my investigator’s first response to anything strange.

Mr. OP.... you, sir, understand how to play Call of Cthulu. You understand it perfectly.

>I can not use the Fireball spell outside of combat.

It's almost like you're me.

>>12252248

I just don't have an image macro to summarize the win. Meat bombing. MEAT BOMBING. It's cruelty and creativity in such equal measure...

Is this archived yet?

-Not allowed to play a Malkavian who thinks he's Link from the Zelda games.
-If this is snuck by the ST, do not ruin it by jumping off the side of a building holding a chicken.
-Not allowed to play a Malkavian who thinks he's a twilight vampire. Death by dawn was only funny ONCE.
-Not allowed to play a Malkavian who's "quirk" involves deviant sexual practices.
-Banned from Malkavians entirely.
-After the incident with the gay-werewolf, I'm just banned from vampires.
-If my character is killed for grabbing a Sister of Battle's ass, I should accept it.
-I will stop insisting all Asian people know kung-fu.
-If I 'test' someone's abilities, it must be something better than their 'zombie Plan'.
-Much like in real life, I am no longer allowed in Canada.
-Or Australia.
-Even if playing a character based off of myself, I can't have a justified burning hatred for Koalas in my back-story.
-Filling my car with Inflatable sex-dolls does not allow me to use the car-pool lane.
-I can never base a character off of any of the following:
>Groucho Marx
>Baron Munchhausen
>The Kool-Aid Man

-I am no longer allowed to assume ownership of multi-million dollar five-star hotels when found abandoned in a zombie-infested city. This edict will be enforced by the Air Force. With Mk-84s.

-I am no longer allowed to nuke the space elevator I am currently riding just for shits and giggles.

>>12252717
it's archived on suptg

>The Kool-Aid Man

Summon Elemental of Wall Breaching
Level 4, Conjuration
Components- V,S,M
Range- 15 feet
Saving Throw: N/A
Spell Resistance: N/A

You summon an elemental of wall breaching, who appears for one round and attacks a wall or door of your choosing. The Elemental of Wall Breaching makes a single breaching attempt with a +25 circumstance modifier to beat the break DC of the wall or door. For every caster level beyond 7th, the elemental gains a +2 bonus to the base bonus, +27 at 8th, +29 at 9th, etc.

When LG I cannot bluff myself into believing that burning down an orphanage was self defense and a just cause.

>>12250167
>OP ripped this off.
Your retardation is astoundi-
>Link to TV Tropes
Ah...I see. You're the devil.

>>12250080
There is trouble in the forest, there is unrest with the trees... Speaking of rush, i'll be seeing them tomorrow. :D

My necromancer/shaman may not not cry out when his undead monkey familiar is destroyed " My Rhesus pieces"

>>12253327
link please?

>>12252787
Dude! You all saw that! That orphanage attacked me first!

>>12248926

>-“But I’m a barbarian!” is always an acceptable excuse.

FTFY

* I am not allowed to min-max myself.
* Despite its track record, Iron Heart Surge is not the solution to all my problems.
* Drowning out the awful music played over the building's speaker system is fine. Drowning it out with bad techno is not.
* If the DM cannot pronounce my character's name, it's vetoed.
* Just because my character is an elf who's been working a job for fifty years, he's not entitled to more starting wealth than his class normally allows.
* I can't force a creature to "accept" a gem enchanted with Trap the Soul by stuffing it into a box of Cracker Jack.
* I am not allowed to catch 'em all.

- Whilst my fear of Genestealers is understandable, my constant paranoid claims that the GM will sic them on us at any moment is upsetting the rest of the party and I should cut it out.
- I am no longer allowed to craft my own weapons
- Especially Plasma weapons
- Not allowed to shoot into close combat with my Melta-gun, even if it is just Ricky.
- I am no longer allowed to suggest plans of action to the party that result in going to dinner with a known unsanctioned psyker
- Especially if I was the one who revealed that's what she was in the first place
- I am only allowed 1 Monty Python reference per session
- I will agree to at least pretend to not know the rules better than the GM
- I will not make a character using splatbook rules I "found on the internet"
- When using 1st edition D&D Dice whose faces are completely invisible to all but me, I will not pretend the numbers are whatever I want them to be.
- I cannot "Take 50" in any 40k RPG.
- I am not Bob the Builder, and asking "Can we fix it?" when I cut someone in half is considered poor taste.
- Nosferatu is a poor choice for a charismatic faceman character
- I can no longer call fellow Alien Amoeba Characters "The Beast of a Thousand Fists"
- I'm not allowed to tell the story about the Nuclear Monorail again.
- I will not poke holes in the DM's plotline. Regardless of how large the Plot Holes are to begin with.
- The use of time travel is not the universal signal that it's time to bail from the game.
- Even if it is a D&D game.

All I'm reading is

>no fun allowed

>>12256455

But that's the opposite of everything here.

I'm the DM, so I don't get to play. I do have some rules that I have to run past one of the members of my group before he plays again. Namely:

You may not play awakened versions of normally unintelligent creatures.

You may not take two-weapon fighting for the next two characters you make. All of the characters you've ever made before have had it.

The deck of many things does not exist in any of my campaign settings, stop asking for one.

No, you cannot make a deck of many things, as it is an artifact.

No, artifact is not just another word for magic item; D&D may be made by the same people, but it doesn't operate under the same rules.

You are not allowed to attempt to make a character modeled after a planeswalker to prove me wrong.

You are not allowed to make up races before coming online for the game and give them to me with just their character sheet made and no back-up. I do not have to say yes in that instance, and I can and will tell you to sit out until you're done with another character. And it better not have two-weapon fighting.

You are forbidden to, under any circumstances, to attempt to run a game. Ever.

Do not make passes at the kobolds.

Do not attempt to make the kobolds have sex just so your male rogue character can play nanny to the eggs/infants.

There are more, but I can't remember them

From my barbarian/fighter PC with an Int score to match a rock with a bit of moss on it:

- Upon seeing a house on fire, I may not use a charge action against the fire.

- Nor can I "attack the fire," due to fire lacking an armor class and hit points.

- Tempting a horse with chocolate cake will not give me a circumstance bonus on my handle animal check.

- Attempts to have my horse mate with the other party member's horses will cease immediately.

- That porcupine is not a "goddess of nature."

- Worshipping porcupines is right out.

- Smashing wooden barrels to "find loot" should be kept to a minimum.

I am not allowed to play necromancers, or death priests, or anything else that can set off a pyramid scheme of vampire or ghoul minions to destroy the world.

I am also no longer allowed to impale ogre heads on stakes near their camp, cast light on their eyeballs and hanging a "go away you fucks" sign on the nose.

I am no longer allowed to Ghoul any colonies.

I am no longer allowed to play in one V:tM campaign in general because when myself and my childe were on trial, we both flipped the Archons the bird and proceeded to reenact the "My Little Buttercup" number from The 3 Amigos.

I am no longer allowed to play in the very same V:tM campaign because, while fighting a war against the Sabbot, I allowed all the Catiff to become "honorary Brujah." To then help spread the feeling of brotherly love throughout the expanded Clan and to help know our enemy better, I had us all commit Valderie. Said act is what lead to said trial.

>>12256680

>any

I meant to say "ant colonies."

I am not allowed to play a character who has any mental illness that was not applied by an in-game attack. ESPECIALLY one that causes hallucinations. No, not even if I can point out all the effects from a copy of the DSM IV.

On the plus side, that campaign was the most fun I've ever had role-playing a character - Bahamut himself sent an avatar to put me down after I led my (good-aligned) party to slaughter an entire temple because I was hallucinating the signs of Pelor as signs of Vecna.

My oWoD list.
- can not generate anti-vampire Iteration X cyborgs based around
>any Terminators from the movie or TV series
>any character from Inglourious Basterds
>any character from the Smurfs
- my MiB characters may not use bus passes to induce city-wide quarantines from the CDC
- not allowed to use Boy Scout troops as backup for my Technocracy hit squad
>nor Girl Scouts
- My Sons of Ether are required to wear pants. Kilts are no longer acceptable attire.
- Verbena covens are not to be called "Tampon Brigades", even if its funny to do so.
- Order of Hermes are not "retards with a pack of matches at a fireworks stand". Even if its true.
- My Euthanatos characters are not permitted to lobotomize opponents any more.
- I am not permitted to start the cross-genre game with a werewolf skin rug or cloak. Nor slippers.
- I am not allowed to tattoo downed opponents in a vampire game, even if its funny.
>Especially not a penis-themed facial piece.
- I am not allowed to use 19th century marital aids as impromptu stakes.
>This also applies to using them as billy clubs.
>Or use billy clubs as impromptu marital aids for the purposes of torture for intelligence gathering.
- No character concept or background can use any of the following words or phrases:
>Bacon
>Hammer-carrying
>Cheesemonger
>Wine Steward
>Lingerie
>Flamethrower
>Cheesewire
>Kidnapper
>Extortionist
>Pornographer
>Beef-flavored

My Dwarven cleric is no longer allowed to ask "have you heard the word of Moridin?" and then scream "then LET ME PREACH HIS NAAAME" (a la Dawn of War) if the response is negative.
>This goes double if he has a hammer in his hands.

>>12252369

if you rolled a natural 100 in dark heresy then you fail, usually be several degrees.

>>12256991

I think that might be the point.

-Playing a character with Multiple Personality Disorder does not mean creating twelve different character sheets.
-Kobolds should not be used as ammunition for a trebuchet.
-"Get out of Jail Free" cards cannot be used as bribes.
-Even if you hand the phys rep to the GM!
-My Imperial Psyker is no longer allowed to manifest powers on a moving elevator.
- My Imperial Psker is no longer allowed to manifest powers in a crowded train station. (Station Arbiters: 0, Me: 159)
-My alchemists potions should never induce any of the following side effects: Claustraphobia, invisibility, profuse anal hemorrhaging, acute sneezing with diarrhea, change in blood colour or shinking of bodily appendages.
-My alchemists potions will ALL contain an actual effect and not just a long list of possible side effects.
-Minus XP for every WoW reference!
-Even when playing WoWRPG!
-My Paladin will not get away with "just happening to be looking the other way" whenever the Necromancer raises a zombie.

I am forbidden from calling our NPC tagalong bitchface, and any OOC reference i make to it will cost me dearly in further games.
Also i need to learn that while my fighter is a damage sponge, sponging damage off other people gets real annoying real fast.

-I will never again phone Dominos Pizza in the middle of a Werewolf game and during ordering shout out "Oh for fuck sake, just knock the fucking door down and nail the fucking bitch! Just make sure she's dead!..... Oh sorry love, not you, anyway yeah sweetcorn and chicken on that one."
-Although the above technique does result in free Pizza and a deliverery ban from the local branch.
-Any characters based on John Barrowman will be shot at dawn, hung, drawn and quartered then placed on ships heading in seperate directions to be buried deep at sea.
-Any character named John Barrowman will recieve a similar fate.
-Just because you can heal people, doesn't mean you are "The Doctor".
-NO, you CANNOT have a T.A.R.D.I.S!
-Barmaids bosoms are not drinks trays!
-Garlic Bread does not give you a poison based breath weapon in ANY game!
-Quoting Peter Kay will get you shot.
-You cannot have a Companion Cube as a familiar.
-You cannot have a Companion Cube as an aminal companion.
-You cannot have a Companion Cube as a Paladin's mount.
-You cannot have a Companion Cube as a servitor.
-You cannot have a Companion Cube as a Mechadendrite Attachment.
-You cannot have a Companion Cube.
-I will not replace my Inquisitors breakfast cereal with "Khorne-Flakes".

(CAPTCHA: Ezmé zateargu... WTF?)

>>12257731

if I wasn't in a car, this would have been the second time I actually rofl'd. I I did manage to scare the driver, though.

No psyker in my group is allowed to use Torch. EVER.

-My Druid is not allowed to Wild Shape into Rainbow Bunchie.
-Writing a wish spell that spans 52 pages of A4 lined paper stipulating everything that will not go wrong with the wish will still result in the player being turned into toad.
-Placing itching powder in the crotch of your Deathwatch squads Devastator Marine's Power Armour is not a suitable practical joke.
-I am never again allowed to play an over-zealous Inquisitor named Brian the Blessed.
-In Lorien Trust LRP, never throw a stick and tell Klaus Rykkersson to "fetch".
-Even if it's worked before.
-Gnomes are never again to be used as crowbars.
-Yes, you can Craft Magical Items, no you cannot craft a Companion Cube!

Not allowed to play scorpions in L5R games.
Not allowed to play the lawful evil alignment.
Not allowed the bard class.
Not allowed to play scum.
Not allowed to play techpriests.
Not allowed to play a party face of any kind.
Not allowed to attempt to be a party face despite having no related skills
Not allowed to play an awakened anything.
Not allowed anything with any of the following descriptors
>Fire-causing
>Highly reactive
>Matter Producing
>Easily concealable
>Difficult to conceal
>Technically possible to conceal

Not allowed to play Guardsmen.
Not allowed to play a party composed solely of various nobles, even if we all rolled for it.

>>12256905
You can still use "cheeseburger apocalypse" at least.

>>12259724
...but that would make great roleplaying. Everyone has Vendettas for everyone else.

>>12258380
>-I am never again allowed to play an over-zealous Inquisitor named Brian the Blessed.

>>12261891
I don't

>>12258380
>-Garlic Bread does not give you a poison based breath weapon in ANY game!
I dunno, sounds alright for paranoia.

>>12262528

Surely then, Garlic Bread is contraband material as it can be used as a weapon. Not to mention it's batonesque appearance. Friend Computer will not tolerate communist garlicy goodness! Report for termination!

-Blackadder II is not a good base for a noble character
-Blackadder III is not a good base for an adept character
-Blackadder IV is most definately not a good base for a guardsman.

I am no longer allowed to base any character on:
Any Blackadder, Kamina, Simon, any dorf from Boatmurdered, or Vivian from the young ones. Even if my rogue has a con of 18 and a wis/int of 8.

>>12263350
Please come play in my group, there shall be no such restrictions.

rolled 84 = 84

>>12263350
>am no longer allowed to base any character on:
Any Blackadder, Kamina, Simon, any dorf from Boatmurdered, or Vivian from the young ones. Even if my rogue has a con of 18 and a wis/int of 8.

What?!? No Vivian from The Young Ones? WTF!!! RAGE!!!!

>>12263829
Well, headbutting the cleric unconcious, just because I could, eating a cursed dagger in order to hide it from the city watch and destroy it in one fell swoop and the unfortunate indecent where I let the party die because I wanted to use the explosive backup plan . . .

>>12263898
SOUNDS AWESOME. In fact, I'm going to watch an episode right now.

- Playing characters based off of postmodern novels, early 1900s Opera, or luchadors is forbidden
- Especiall in Vampire.
- Doubly so if that character is Norman Bombardini.
- My Void Master does not own a parrot-shaped servo-skull or have eye bionics, nor does he hail from "The Caribbean Sector".
- While it was funny at first, the Imperial Guard DOOP conversion just gets me tossed out of games due to the proxy models.
- Additionally, Commissar Zapp Brannigan does not shoot a Guardsman every round to keep morale up.
- My Trukk is not the divine chariot of Gork and Mork, despite one-shotting a Chaos Lord in Terminator Armor.
- Any campaign that starts out as a combination between Dark Sun and Paranoia is immediately shot down.
- When I DM, "I've been drinking" is not an excuse to cancel and run Paranoia instead.

- My Death Korps of Krieg army already makes the Jewish girl in our group nervous. I will not increase the awkwardness by blasting Wagner while playing.
- Although it is a fine conversion, there is no record of Mister Rodgers ever serving as a sniper. Especially in the aforementioned Death Korps army.
- My opponent's use of proxy models does not give my painted and converted army leadership bonuses, despite the fact my opponent has played the same army for two years and makes three times what I do.
- Pokemon Tabletop Adventures is not improved with the addition of elements from Dark Heresy.
- Especially the Critical Hit tables.
- Forcing my players to deal with idiotic gyms in P:TA is a cruel fate, especially when they don't even make sense.
- Insisting that the Viking game be described in accurate Old Norse adds flavor. Actually using Old Norse pisses off my players.
- Shadowrun is not "The Game of High Explosives", and I should not play it as such.
- Stick 'n Shock ammunition is not compatible with any weapon capable of full bursts
- I am not allowed to insist that all combats in Seventh Sea be resolved with an actual fencing match
- Especially because the GM and I are the only trained fencers.

>>12264631
>- My Death Korps of Krieg army already makes the Jewish girl in our group nervous.

-I can never again create a superhero character in an X-men type game, who's power is the ability to absorb any and all attacks and use them to fuel his own body.
-My characters is not 'Big, Bad Leeroy Brown, born in Chicago, joined the military as his sentence for a bar fight over a girl'
-No crossing my 'Slice of life' game over into Mindfuck territory, ever again.
-I am not to imply that our Canadian Elf Fighters Pussy tastes of Maple Syrup and then tell he she should let me check just incase when she denies it.
-I cannot convince Twin female Paladins to a threesome.
-If I do, then I cannot end the roll with 'And Pelor saw it, and it was good'
-My bard cannot refuse to sleep with the BBEG's right hand 'until the 3rd date'...and pull it off.
-The BBEG is not gay for me.
-The BBEG does not wish his girlfriend was hot like me, when I'm a Kobold.
-The Masquerade does not involve masks. Stop that shit right now.
-No humming Masquerade from Phantom of the Opera when meeting the Prince in public.
-I am never again allowed to play a Malkavian with obsessive writing disorder.

>>12264573
Strange, there's a sample character in the oWoD Clanbook Nosferatu who is a masked luchador.

>>12264953
He was pointlessly over-the-top, in a game the GM claimed was super-serious but failed to be, due to his generally poor plotting.

Great character, though. Always fun to fight for Truth, Justice, and Gratuitous Amounts of Blood.

>"Voodoo priest"
awwwww, voodoo's fun

>-Christopher Walken is not all-seeing, all-powerful, and did not create the Universe, so I can’t get spells from worshiping him.
LIES AND SLANDER

>-The length and thickness of my Dwarf’s beard does not add to my intimidate score.
But the lack thereof could certainly detract from it.

>-My Legend of the Five Rings Lion clan does not have a Scottish accent.
Crane Clan does, Highland Scots

>>12265037
>- Shadowrun is not "The Game of High Explosives", and I should not play it as such.

Indeed, everyone knows that's Call of Cthulhu, where even mild mannered history professors have ranks in demolition and rocket launcher use.
Which reminds me:

- I will not quote Lovecraft or refer to things from the mythos when playing D&D, it gves the GM ideas.

>>12248882
I am no longer allowed to be in control of any ship capable of Warp travel.

Apparently crashing your ship into the enemy is not a valid strategem.

Hm...bump.

>>12265276
>Apparently crashing your ship into the enemy is not a valid strategem.
Heresy.

Not allowed to name my pet goat Decoy

Not allowed to throw my pet goat into the woods to flush out the "monsters"

Not allowed to sign a contract with a local farm coalition for continuous supply of goats named Decoy

>>12266932

"It appears to be a Chaos Cruiser, Captain!"
"Damage control, report!"
"Our port broadside is at one third functional, and our shields are almost gone. There's no way we can beat them, even one on one, sir."
"…Very well then. Engineering, engines to 150%. Helm, ramming speed."

I'm not allowed to DM. Ever.

>>12268048

"We're pushing the engines too hard, Captain! She's breaking apart!"

>>12268066

I DEMAND STORY TIMES.

…

PLEASE.

My Bard's implement of choice is NOT 10,000 vuvuzelas.

>>12268092

Court order.

Being a DM counts as holding congregations, which I'm not allowed to do. The law's no fun, and neither is jail.

>>12268117
The fuck did you do?

>>12268138

I KILLED A MAN AT THE TABLE

Actually I can't be bothered to write out how it actually went down. Just future advice, don't describe hell and demons and Satan in detail in public when there's kids around, even if it's at the table pertaining to a game. People get upset for some reason.

>>12268078

>"We're pushing the engines too hard, Captain! She's breaking apart!"

"..... uh, helmsman, you do know how physics works, right? As long as the ship disintegrates into a cloud of debris that's not too disperesed, but not too condensed, it will create a shotgun effect that will ensure huge chunks of ship moving at high speed will impact the enemy vessel. Boom, we win."

>>12268217

>dispersed


aaaaargh

dear god some one archive or screen shot this thread for the glory of who ever the hell you want!

>>12268117

>Being a DM counts as holding congregations, which I'm not allowed to do. The law's no fun, and neither is jail.

That's such a huge sack of shit. Call the fucking Anti-Christian Lawyers Union; they eat this shit up. They'll say that violates your First Amendment right to assembly, and they'll raise a shitstorm till that shit is thrown out.

>>12268217
>ship is being destroyed
>only the wreckage makes impact with the target
>wonder if the word "win" is being used properly
>remember who the story is about.
Ah. Never mind.

>>12268240
Already done, 'mano.

how does update archived version?

>>12249212
>Hazat noble
I read it as "Hazmat noble".
I just wanted to share this, because it sounds FUCKING AWESOME.

>>12249212
Fading Suns FUCK YEAR!

Mhh.

As a Giovanni, not allowed to kill someone to interrogate his spirit more easily
As a Giovanni, not supposed to gather information vital to the campaign and keeping them to myself
As a Giovanni, not allowed to buy real estate ever again
As a Giovanni, not allowed near a cemetery or obituary ever again
As a Giovanni, not allowed to create such a situation in which sabbat and camarilla would more happily suck a garou's cock instead of speaking with me.
Not allowed to play a Giovanni anymore.

As a Malkavian, not allowed to roleplay an inferiority complex-ridden charachter who acts like a ventrue to hide his shameful clan, and play better than the group ventrue, to the point that the ST forgets that I'm a malkavian after 4 or 5 sessions.

Not ever again allowed Presence over 4

Not ever again allowed to buy an orphanage and burn it down because fuck yeah

Not ever allowed to play a sabbat infiltrate

Not ever allowed to play in a sabbat chronicle

Nobody in my group is allowed to use Hallucinogen grenades, and we're ESPECIALLY not allowed to use them more than once per combat.

Also, if my guardsman once more decides to attempt an Inquiry test to find "Big Booty Bitches" it will result in seduction by a cultist of Slaanesh and revealing all info after a "sexy massage"

>>12268260

Precisely.

>>12268485

"Hey... Hey, man... I should NOT have used these in a confined area... but i mean whoah..."

Ah, if only.

Reality, unfortunately: "THE WALLS ARE CRAWLING! THE SPIDERS ARE EATING MY BRAINS! OH EMPEROR MY PENIS IS A DAEMONHOST!"

-I cannot make any character with psychic powers
-Or magic powers
-Or even just poison
-High bluffing skills and fast talking are right out
-I can't be the driver this time
-Or the lookout

LUCKLY, YOU CAN STILL DO ALL THOSE THINGS IN 4E.


because 4e is not a rpg

>>12268595
Protip: Don't snort the Krak grenade. It's not what you think it is.

>>12268622
>>12268595
First time I ever GM'ed our party psyker/assassin used 5 hallucinogen grenades on a Venksworld Pit-Thing.
It attacked the walls with its "mutating" hands while flapping about thinking it's a bird

>>12268211

Liar detected.

I have been banned from my friend the Exterminator Cartridge.

For those of you not familiar with DH. The exterminator Cartridge is a one shot Flamethrower rig usually added to weapons like a grenade launcher would.

My assassin stumbled on a pallet of stolen Imperial weapons. I decided I wanted it for myself. It was never intended as a plot device so it was a random roll to decide the contents.

It was a pallet of Exterminator cartridges. The GM wasn't worried at first. I asked the ussualy questions. How Much can I sell them for? Can the Tech Priest attach them to my gear and replace them when i use one up? The answer of yes to the second question was the one that damned him.

Assuming that i was just gonna use them and sell a few was a poor choice.

I became the master of all which is fire. (This is pre Errata, can only be attached to specific weapons or however they fixed this). Exterminators on my weapons, exterminators on my armored gloves, exterminators on my helmet, shoulders, cod piece, melee weapons, arrows fired from a bow I picked up, Boots, Servo Skulls, Cyber Familiars, 35 exterminator cartridges attached in a downward angle to Bacpack (That one cost me fate points). And god knows how many other Flame fueled abuses of that one ruling.
I used all 800 exterminator cartidges that we're openly rolled to have been the contents of that crate. when the last one was spent I was barred from ever owning or operating one again.
I will admit i Respect the DM for making a mistake and riding it out.

>>12269082

>Flamethrower Codpiece

Did this have a good story to it or sis you just feel the need to hand out a flaming dick related death?

-may not quote The Gamers more than once an evening
-can no longer have Advice Dog, the Stig, Belldandy, Yuki Nagato and Marisa Kirisame make comic relief cameos (not when another player derail turned some of them into honorary party members)
-the villainess must wear more than a square inch of clothing, or at least get dressed as soon as the party arrives in her lair
-if I make an explosives specialist NPC, I cannot complain when the players steal her rockets and carpet bomb their own city with them
-the Galaxy Angels are not part of the Crimson Skies canon, nor did they ever engage in a dogfight with the Mercs with Planes (possibly because there wouldn't have been anything left afterwards)
-the Ferrari logo is not a very original heraldic symbol, and their car models are not good inspirations for character names
-outrunning a nuclear explosion in a horse-drawn carriage may stretch suspension of disbelief for some (even if it's emblazoned with the aforementioned logo, painted red, and shielded from radiation and supersonic shockwaves)
-must run at least one campaign that does not at any point involve airships
-nowhere in the paladin's code does it say anything about "experience points" as an important motivation for adventuring
-the Falalalan song does not count as "atmospheric background music"

>>12248916
> Malkavian and the TUBA
>-My Malkavian does NOT get a mortar, ever again.
>-I can no longer play as a Malkavian.

>>12269082
>35 exterminator cartridges attached in a downward angle to Bacpack (That one cost me fate points).
I would like to hear about this one.

>>12269900
I concur. Let there be story times.

"subtle assassination" does not mean push someone down a flight of stairs.

It especially does not mean that if there are no stairs available.

I am not allowed to carry a supply of wooden blocks with which to create makeshift stairs.

It doesn't matter if she has her back turned, smashing the king's head in with my hammer will not cause the queen to believe, no matter how high my charisma, that the prince did it when I'm the one holding the bloodstained hammer.

Also:


I am no longer alowed to use my charisma stat to scam people with fale alchemical/magical recipies.

I am no longer allowed to act like a damn retard because I took all my intelligence points away and put them into strength.

I am not allowed to say "hulk smash" every time I kill something because of the above.

I am definitely not allowed to buy green paint and cloth trousers.

Quoting Dawn of War and saying "my faith is my shield" does not justify stabbing a priest and carrying the corpse instead of shelling out gold for an actual shield.

If I must have a corpse with me, I can no longer claim that it's carrying some of my equipment to save inventory space/weight.

COnvincing the Priestess that cats go "oink" is not an effective way of disproving her god, even if they do find cats holy and pigs unclean.

"stop making that face"

I am no longer allowed to "dick around" with anything worth more than my armour.

I am no longer allowed to wear solid gold armour.

I cannot catch a falling boulder.

I cannot dodge a collapsing building while I'm inside it.

I cannot dodge a collapsing building while I'm outside it.

If I use the words "cunning plan" one more time I'm going to have the whole town guard and the local lesser deity to contend with.

I may not pit local town guard against the local lesser deity against each other and sell tickets.

Not even if I use the words "cunning" and "plan" in sequence.

>>12269749
It was divulged to us that we would be going up against slanneshi cultists. I took the logical step and assumed my cock would be under assault at one point or another. The best defense is a good offence. Roasted a cultist mid transformation into a deamonette that was using my sexual gratification as the vessel of change.

>>12269900
After the DM ruled that using a downward facing cluster of 3 Exterminator cartridges attached to my boot mid kick caused me to roll Agi to not fall over due to the thrust produced by the flame jets. I took the next natural step, Improvised Jet Pack.

It came to fruition 2 sessions latter running headlong into a tide of Nurglings as a distraction for my team. Fire-ing every other flame weapon in my possession to cleanse the rotting horde as i went. As my last offensively mounted exterminator ran dry. I decided my only plan of escape was to try my improvised Jet pack to get onto a nearby 2 story building. A few botched rolls later I'm soaring out of control 200 feet above my intended jump height, My legs are on fire, and so is the munition filled backpack.
I ditched the pack mid air, and fired wildly into the roof of the building bellow me. collapsing through several floors breaking both my flaming legs and landing in a puddle of molten stone cause by my falling las and plasma fire.

General:

*Can't create my own religion to mock the local religion.
*Can't create my own monarchy to mock the local monarchy.
*"flipping the bird" is no longer a valid answer to any question.
*"You can't prove I was anywhere near that bloody ship" is not a greeting.
*I cannot try to catch any kind of catapault-thrown projectile with another catapault.
*Even if they are basically facing each other already
*Cannot eat grass.
*Cannot talk with a hick accent around farmers.
*Cannot talk with a hick accent around anyone.
*Cannot claim that windmills and water wheels would make good weapons.
*Even if we are playing Exalted.

Dark Heresy:

*I can no longer challenge a Commissar to shoot himself to prove his fealty to the Emperor, mainly because he will always do it.
*I am no longer allowed to inquire about sexbots to the local Adeptus Mechanicus staff.
*Am no longer allowed to think too hard about whether or not a Sororitas in power armour counts as a sex-cyborg.
*It doesn't matter if I have the helmet, I am not a space marine, I will never be a space marine.
*I am no longer allowed to fire all my weapons gangsta style.
I am no longer allowed to ask what anyone's "going rate" is.
*I am no longer allowed to collapse and quiver anytime anyone uses the word "thus"
*I am not allowed to have PTSD.
*I am not to be given explosives, ever.
*My commanding officer was not a fruit, he was a fine agent of the imperium up to the moment he got shot.
*I never fought a hivefleet and I should stop insinuating that I did.
*Eldar do not have cock-guns.
*Eldar do not have cock-ships.
*Eldar do not have cock-anything, ok?

>>12269082
>>12270564
I have a mind wiped whos mental imperfections manifest as an insane amount of pyromania. anything bigger than a campfire around and the urge to burn the world down is almost uncontrollable.

We Should Fucking Hang Out Some Time Bro.

Damp

I am not allowed to:
1. Play an avariel
2. Wield wheellocks
3. Play a psion

And under no circumstances, under pain of DEATH, am I to do ALL THREE AT ONCE!

Teaching the Ork Freebooter aboard your ship proper methods in dealing with imperial citizens is a smart move.

Teaching the Ork Freebooter aboard your ship how to pick up chicks Is Not

No the Ork Mekboy will not Pimp Your Ride, quit asking.

Do anything suggested on /tg/
Play with /tg/