DM: Okay, let me get this straight. You discovered there was unnatural stuff happening in New York, possibly sign of the impending Apocalypse. . . and you start a business to fight these things?!?!
Bill: Hey, if we’re going to fight ghosts, we might as well be paid for it, right?
DM: YOU’RE SQUEEZING MONEY OUT OF PEOPLE FOR SAVING THE WORLD!!!!!!
Dan: Well, the proper equipment IS expensive. . .
DM: Gaaaaaaaahhh why did I ever let you actually make those proton packs and traps?
Harold: Are you kidding? You said that we couldn’t fight these things with conventional weapons!
DM: I MEANT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE *FLEEING* FROM THE GHOSTS, NOT TRAPPING THEM FOR A PROFIT! Fuck this, some dude from the EPA shows up and frees all of the ghosts, lets Vinz Clortho loose, and has you arrested.
Players: Gaaaaaaaay.

AND EVEN LATER. . .

DM: . . . I cannot believe that just happened.
Bill: HAHAHA, YES! You said if we rolled four one hundreds in a row, it would work! We just banished that prehistoric bitch back to her home dimension!
Dan: Nice! Wait, what about the girl and the dork?
DM: They’re dead. Got turned into stone statues when Gozer disappeared, and they were dead and gone before that.
Bill: What?!?! At least let me roll to see if I can crack open the statue and save her!
DM: Fine. I stopped caring about the time Dan made the evil deity manifest as a giant marshmallow man.
Ernie: A fucking SCARY marshmallow man, though. . .
DM: Roll a d100.
Bill: All right. . .
*rolls 100*
Harold: HA HA OH WOW. NICE ONE, DUDE!
DM: Fuck. . . fine. She and the nerd guy are still alive. You get the girl, you save the day, and you actually have a higher SAN score than you started off with.
Dan: This was great. Anyone up for another game?
Bill: Sure.
Harold: Yeah, why not?
Ernie: HELL YES! I LOVE THIS GROUP!
DM: I never want to play CoC with you assholes ever again.

YEARS LATER. . .

DM: GODDAMMIT HOW DID YOU TALK ME INTO THIS AGAIN!

I fucking love these threads.

>>12752554
>>12752565
>>12752577
*facepalm*

"Dude seriously?"

"What?"

"You said this was a hardcore Spy Ops setting. I'm playing a fucking army veteran."

"Yea so?"

"MIND CONTROLLING PSYCHIC? And how am I suppose to beat this guy!?"

"Uhmm... use the other dice."

"The other dice?"

"Yea. The other."

"... what the fuck does that-"

"Just do it."

>>12752631
I SEE YOU LIKE TO PLAY ROGUE TRADER!
AAAAAAAAAH, AND A LITTLE BIT OF EXALTED TOO!

>>12752577
Bill: Relax man. Here, I brought some music that'll make for great background atmosphere.
DM: ...Fine, anything to distract me from how ridiculous this all is...
*Bill turns on the speakers and starts the song*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AidmtatKjyc
DM: ...WHAT THE-
*All the players break out into song and dance around the table*
Bill: awesomeface.jpg

>>12752631
I... oh my god. I want to do that.
I probably CAN do that.

GM: Okay, you've managed to piss off every fucking faction in the game. Hope you guys are ready for this.

Bob: BRING IT THE FUCK ON.

GM: Y'know, I wasn't sure you'd be showing up for this one...

Bob: Miss the last battle? Not for the *world*.

GM: ROLL FOR INITIATIVE.

(Much space mecha combat later...)

GM: Okay, Jim, your Gundam's all fucked up- You're floating dead in space, and the Throne is still doing donuts. You sink back in your seat and contemplate your-

Jim: FUCK THAT. Do the guns still work?

GM: *A* gun still works. You don't mean...

Jim: All right. I climb out of the hatch, and take the firing mechanism with me...

GM: Wait, what?

Jim: ...I climb on top of the cannon- Line up the sights...And pull the trigger.

GM: Roll to hit. I'm giving you a minus th-

Jim: Natural 1 on initiative...But ohhh! Natural 20!

GM: FUCK. (Rolls) ...Hit.

Jim: Does a 12 save?

GM: No. So your jury-rigged cannon explodes, and you go sailing off into space- Even as your enemy's machine explodes. Any last words?

Jim: Bang.

>>12752554
Oh god OP, I fucking love you. Thank you for this.

>>12752680

GM: Right, Tom, everyone else is dead, and you have a SUPER SHINY GOLDEN SUIT closing in on you! WHAT DO YOU DO?

Tom: RRRAGGGHHHH, RIP AND TEAR!

GM: All right, you close in and swing at the invincible force field-

Tom: I burn a Fate Point, and roll Duel-Wielding Multiattack, with the Spring Attack bonus. I also have Skill Focus (Pilot), and Mecha Weapon Mastery...AND I'm in Trans-Am! Does a 73 save?

GM: All right, he's down, but SUDDENLY! HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Tom: WTF is the BULLSHIT!

GM: (Rolls obscenely high sword skill.) That's...A 20! Hah! Eat *that*!

Tom: Goddamnit. Fumble. And...Fumble again.

GM: *reads* ...

Tom: Well?

GM: It says here- Fumbler and adjacent target both die.

>>12752680
What Gundam series is that from?

>>12752788

The final battle of 00's first, and we like to believe only, season. The former is when Lockon dies. The latter is when Setsuna fights the sparkly gold Alvatore, then gets robusted by TRANS-GRAHAM.

>>12752812
Was it all downhill from there?

someone screencap this shit, lol

>>12752857

Yes. Downhill and six feet under.

They get a spare Lockon (His identical twin!), the dude with the split personality spends the entire season doing jack shit and fawning over...That chick with white hair, and the bland lead gets the sparkly, sparkly 00, which is basically an 'I win' button. The only good part is that the trap dresses up as the hottest girl ever.

Also, Graham becomes a weeaboo. To punctuate the sheer stupidity of the series- There's a machine called the Gaga, which is basically a suicide bomb piloted by clone pilots, who live only to smash into their enemies. We have something called 'missiles' which do the same thing without such tragic loss of life.

Also, Celestial Being worked hand-in-hand with the cult of scientology to prepare to fight aliens...WHO ACTUALLY TURN UP IN THE MOVIE, HOLY SHIT. Tragically, the red-hot China girl in that cheongsam cuts her hair, changes her clothes, and is ineffectual until she gets blowed up.

Also, Saiji and his girlfriend join the main cast.

GM: So, bad news, guys. For the next few weeks it'll just be you two, mostly. The other guys'll pop in intermittently, buuut....

Joe: We understand.

Amanda: Totally.

GM: Alright, let's have a look at those characters... Joe, you realize this is a combat-heavy campaign right?

Joe: Sure.

GM: You put almost all of your points into intelliegence and 'use device' skills. You don't even have combat equipment, just basic tools.

Joe: And?

GM: Your character is over 500 years old.

Joe: Don't worry, it's legit. Just read my backstory. I reincarnate.

GM: Jesus christ, this is a backstory? It's 70 pages long! And Amanda, you didn't take a single combat-related skill either! You dumped all of your points into Charisma!

Amanda: I trust Joe.

GM: God dammit. Well I'm not going to modify the adventure for you two just because you decided to turn into pacifist idiots...

>>12752944

>Two campaigns later

Joe: Yeah, I got bored of that guy, so I made another one.

GM: This is ... exactly the same.

Joe: I know, right?

>>12752903

Is Tieria a guy or a girl? I mean, I'm just kind of...disturbingly uncertain. MY COCK IS CONFUSED.

Someone do Inception.

GM: Okay, so this is a political campaign set in a nation recovering after having lost a war a few years ago. If you play your cards right, you might end up in positions of power.
Nick: Nice. I'll play a veteran of the war, who once wanted to be a painter. I've been jailed for terrorist acts and treason, have rather firm principles, and maxed out CHA.
GM: Good, I can work with that.
Bob: I'm an organizer of the militia of a growing party. I'm also gay. Haven't thought of much else.
GM: Homosexuality is frowned upon in this setting though.
Bob: Eh, I'll make it out OK.
Tom: I have a truckload of ranks in Pilot for some reason. Seemed like a good idea. I'm some sort of nervous wreck hiding behind martial fame and fucking fabulous clothing. Seriously, I spent five points on my clothing.
GM: Okaaaaay... Last, Tim?
Tim: I supply the INT Nick doesn't have, but I'm very loyal to him. Well-versed in literature and philosophy, bro, gets kind of complex since he's supporting a very anti-intellectual party.
GM: Wow. You impress me. This will be a good break from our usual grimderpery.

A LITTLE LATER

GM: you guys scare the fucking shit outta me

>>12752903
Heavy.

GM: Alright, Hero System, a modern setting building off a history of stuff, pretty much your basic Marvel or DC thing. When Phil gets here, he's playing a wizard-type. You should hear the voice he's going to use when speaking in character, it's hilarious. What've you guys got?

Jack: Well, Bobby and I are playing brothers.

Bobby: And clones, but not of each other. And we don't know it.

Dan: I'm their father.

DM: I'm assuming you know that they're clones?

Dan: Oh, yeah, totally my idea, anyway. You should look at their sheets; these guys aren't going to be able to dodge jack in combat. Neither am I, but that's why Sam is playing my bodyguard.

Sam: I sunk a fuckton of points into unarmed and improvised combat skills; didn't want to be too dependent on firearms.

DM: Okay, but...let's get back to Dan. How are your kids clones if your character is of average intelligence and has almost no science skills?

Dan: Oh, shit, really? My bad. Well, I could go back and change it, but...hey, my background includes my father also being a super scientist type, so maybe I inherited the stuff to make clones.

DM: That father thing may come back to bite you later, just saying.

Dan: Phhhh, could be worse. I could've said something about a long-lost brother...

>screenshotted

GM: All right, lads. Roll up your characters. This is going to be a nation-building epic. You're going to start out with a shitty country with a ton of land, idiot backwards peasants, and buttfuckingly stupid aristocracy. Vince, what you got?
Vince: My character isn't really going to fight or anything. He's got close to max INT and WIS. He's going to write a book that Max's character is going to use to get this country in shape.
Max: Got me a character with max CHA. He's gonna use the philosophy Vince's character created to try to get the peasants to revolt.
GM: All right. Sean, what about you?
Sean: Eh. I'm gonna be more low-key. None of this high-power stuff for me. Average stats, he's gonna be just a minor flunky.
GM: Hahahah, all right. Max, the head of the state is on to your shit. Try to revolt, 80 on a d100.
Max: Shit! 68! So close!
GM: Tough shit, man. Off to prison for you!
Max: C'mon! Mulligan!
Sean: C'mon, man.
GM: Oh, all right.
Max: FUCK YEAH! 91!
(Continued)

>Fuck this, some dude from the EPA shows up and frees all of the ghosts, lets Vinz Clortho loose, and has you arrested.
>Players: Gaaaaaaaay.

OK, I'll admit, I lol'd

Speaking of CoC mods...

DM: Okay, guys. I'm not gonna lie to you. This campaign is tough. You probably will go insane and die. Not necessarily in that order.
Keith: No worries, man! We can handle it! Here's my sheet!
DM: ...You're playing a new kid to the town who's lost SAN points from being persecuted at his own school?
Keith: Yeah! I put a lot of points into Diplomacy and Charisma and general talking. Hope that's okay.
DM: Well you'll have to find a weapon...
Keith: Steve agreed to let me use his character's baseball bat. He's not showing up, apparently.
Renee: Awww. You're character's so adorable! Here's mine!
DM: Exotic Weapon - Billhook?
Renee: She goes scavenger hunting at the dump!
DM: And apparently she has less SAN than Keith's guy...
Renee: She believes in the village god and had an episode when she transferred.
DM: Oooh boy. Shian? May?
Shian & May: Twins!
DM: Ooof course. Stacy?
Stacy: A little sister to Steve's character... she's much younger.
DM: She also has a hit to SAN...
Stacy: Yeah, she's got a disease that causes SAN damage. But she's good at setting traps!
DM: Okay... Rachel?
Rachel: *Slides the sheet, smiling.*
DM: ...Okay, that's... okay. Fine. I'll allow it. Just expect to have your asses kicked, since Keith and Rena are the only two with any sort of combat weapon.

ONE DOOMED SESSION LATER...

DM (Sarah): Okay, let me see your character sheets, everyone...You're all mercenaries/modern pirates, okay...Bill, you're the computer guy of the team?

Bill: Yep

DM: 'kay. John...looks like you're the leader...and you're a big black guy with a goatee...Are you trying to be Samuel L. Jackson?

John: ...mmmmmaybe.

DM: Just tone it down a little bit. And don't quote him every five seconds. Alright, Rebecca...Dual-Weilding...Why is her only clothing listed as "Undergarments, denim short shorts, And a black tank top?"

Rebecca: Oh, right, I forgot socks and shoes!

DM: Not what I meant! Shouldn't a professional mercenary wear clothing that's a bit more protective than that?

Rebecca: Whatever.

DM: Fine...Rick, why is your character a JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN? I told you we were doing a mercenary party! How do you expect your character to meet up with everyone else's?

Ron: Hey, you're the DM, you figure it out.

DM: Fine.

LATER

Ron: OH YEAH, NAT 20! YOU JUST GOT FUCKED!

Everyone else: :o

>>12753169

Keith: Man! That as too fun, no way it's over that soon!
DM: Believe it. Your friends went insane and you killed them, then yourself.
Keith: Another round! Same setting! Same characters!
DM: But you guys are dead!
Keith: I'm not letting us waste all this paper for a session over that quick, right guys?
Renee: Keith's right! Give us another chance! Come on! Come on!
DM: Grrr... fine. But I'm still not pulling any punches, and none of your characters remember what happened last game. We're starting from the beginning!

(continued)

>>12753169
One doomed session?

Dude, check out INSPECTRES
Its basically Ghost Busters, the Indie-RPG

Its a lot of fun, you essentially create a paranormal investigation franchise and try to market yourself commercial. A lot of the game is on the business side of it, but you still deal with ghosts-n-shit.

Its a lot of fun.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/InSpectres

>>12752944

And /tg/ delivers.

>>12753208

DM: How many games have we gone through now?
Rachel: Four. And counting.
May: Four. The one where Keith killed Renee and I...
Shian: The one where I went insane...
Stacy: The one where you played my abusive uncle and Keith killed him...
Rachel: And the one between me, Orson, and Arthur that was set before these.
DM: And you guys -still- want to go again?
Keith: Damn straight! We won't stop until we win!
DM: Alright, Keith, you've beenn the most aggressive, so I'll give you a break... if you can think of a way to circumvent this, I'll give you guys more clues.
Keith: That's what I like to hear!

LATER...

DM: So Renee's character's going insane, and you just admitted your backstory in front of your friends. What now?
Keith: Roll a 100 for memory recall.
DM: What? What could you possibly have to remember?
Keith: The first game. The oone where I killed Renee and May's characters.
DM: But that shouldn't be possible!
Keith: Let me roll for it!
DM: Grrr... fine!
Keith: *rolls.*
DM: ...a 100. You rolled a 100.
Keith: So?
DM: ...You remember the first game, and realize that it was you in Renee's character's situation in that instance - you were the insane one, not everyone else.
Keith: Alright. I can work with this.

>>12753216

He's referencing an animu called something along the lines of Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, which I think means "When the Cicadias Cry", but don't quote me on that.

Basically, small town antics about a small cast of school kids and the lead up to a town festival. Then one or more school kids go mad and bodies start piling up. They're all mentally unstable in one way or another, have dark secrets and emotional scars that mean pretty much any of them could be the killer.

Then everything resets and starts again. Madness, shenanigans, death. Only one character is aware of the cycle and begins to try to break it. There are maybe a half dozen loops shown in the series before it breaks, but it's supposed to have happened thousands of times, all ending in doom and death.

>>12753283
Yes I know. I was making the joke that its going to be more than 1 doomed session.

>>12753296

Oh, sorry, mea culpa. That might have been a little clearer if you'd phrased it a little more emphatically, like "ONE doomed session!?" Tonal emphasis is hard to show over text, so you really have to sell it.

>>12753283

The spiritual sequel is even weirder. You basically have an Agatha Christie murder- EXCEPT SOMEONE BLAMES WITCHES. The male lead spends the whole series going 'NANANAIDON'TBELIEVEINMAGIC' while distinctively supernatural shit happens offscreen as a metaphor. A metaphor for MURDER.

Also, the Stakes are totally hot, when they're not ceremonial daggers used to kill people in horrific ways.

>>12753315
Indeed. Apologies.

>>12753321

Oh yeah, Umineko No Naku BlahBlahWhatever. That's even trippier and awesome.

My favourite part is when Anti-magic Guy is trying to prove the non-existence of a witch TO A WITCH while ANOTHER WITCH IS HELPING HIM WITH MAGIC

>>12753355

You missed the best part. Later he becomes a badass sorcerer himself.

No, I don't know what's going on. It's all over the same fucking murder case!

>>12753355
And the worst part is, it makes sense.

In some kind of demonic way.

>>12753379

I've only watched as far as about episode 22 (or maybe 24). There's about three Beatrice's and all of them are fucking THAT GUYS.

>Problem, Battler?

>>12753448
I would very warmly recommend you played/read/whateverthefuckyoudowithVNs it.

The experiences are on wholly different levels. For starters, no trollface has ever surpassed VN-Beato's.

>ahaha.wav

>>12753253
I try, brother. I try.

ITT: Weeaboo faggotry ruins everything beautiful and good.

GM: Everyone got their backgrounds in order?

Ann: I think. This one roll thing is hard.

Sam: Okay, so I am a royal noble with a great knowledge of politics and a mean attitude. I have trained with the royal guard to be a strong ruler. I'm in love with Ann, yet it can never be.

Ann: No shit. I'm also of royal blood, but dedicated to my studies and court life. I was mostly a showpiece for the family, but I fulfilled my role and got contacts in high places.

GM: What pairs did you roll? Didn't know REIGN had that.

Sam: We rolled quintuplets.

GM: Damn. Greg?

Greg: Life fucked me in the ass. I was a great general but with small royal favor. Then my family got killed, I got caught who knows where and I ended up fighting in the arena. I'm a beast at combat, though, so I WILL take vengeance

GM: Fuck, that's high powered, can't have you owning shit left and right. At least you share a theme...

Ann: So we reroll?

GM: Too much work... Okay, you all come from a senate-backed empire, rife with politics. The Emperor has died on campaign, so you both can make bets to power. Greg, as the general in charge, you got shafted by your own men by high orders, you will have to appear later...

>>12753622
ITT: Everything is fine, and Anon is still bawwwwing.

DM: Okay, we're playing a modern-day campaign set in New York. Jamie, you're first. I see you have an ace reporter. Good social skills, athletic... are you sure you want to take Enemy (Police)?

Jamie: Yeah, I've been doing pieces about corruption on the force. Also, I didn't take many combat skills so I hope the rest of you brought in some heavies.

Kyle: Got you covered! I'm playing a vigilante. Here's my sheet...

GM: Holy shit, where did you even find the stats for all these weapons?

Kyle: They're just sports equipment. I had to custom-build a lot of them, but I started with a lead pipe as the base so they should all be balanced. Oh! I forgot to put down that I re-skinned my helmet as a hockey mask.

GM: Kinda got anger issues too, huh? Alright, I can work with this. Dan, what have you got for me?

Dan: I'm playing a ninja!

Mike, Brad, and Scott: You can't be a ninja, I'm rolling a ninja! Uh oh...

GM: You're ALL playing ninja? Dammit guys, this is a modern day campaign, how many ninjas are there going to be in modern-day New York?

Dan: No, no, it's cool. We all took the same race for the kick-ass bonuses, so we could be brothers. We'll all use different weapons or something, it'll work out.

GM: Race?

Mike: Dude, shut the fuck up about that!

GM: This isn't a Racial Holy War game, I'm not giving you strength bonuses for playing a black guy or whatever... wait, what kind of race is that? I've never heard of it.

Scott: It's a, uh, homebrew race.

GM: You know the rules, I have to okay any homebrew stuff before it goes in. You have a printout of it? Alright, let's see what's...

*GM looks it over, stops in shock*

GM: WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING???!!!

>>12755002
>GM: WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING???!!!

Speaking of which, does anyone have the "WHAT THE FUCK AM I FORGING?" pic?

>>12755163
Sorta

>>12755002
Oh god...

>>12755329

>>12755002
This man right here, he knows what a crumpet is.
6 runs!

DM: You got your sheets? Good. Remember, this is going to be a social game, slice of life, high school setting; no combat involved. Okay, what have you guys got for me this time?

Dave: I'm going to be a hopeless nerd. I've got next to no charisma, but I've got an awesome imagination, plus a decent amount of points in Skill (art: draw). I'm going for a sort of pessimistic vibe for him. Oh, do you mind if I have a familliar?

DM: I suppose.

Dave: Cool, I want a dog. A really cool dog.

DM: Alright. Jim?

Jim: My character has assloads of charisma, but his dump stat is intelligence. Everyone loves him, and he's a pretty good skateboarder. Also, I thought I'd give him Tourette's.

DM: Fuck no. Tourettes? Fuck no.

Jim: Waitaminute. Tourette's, but funnier.

DM: Funnier?

Jim: Like random noises, and impressions. Oh! Also, I want to be an avid monster hunter.

DM: What the fuck?

Jim: Not like, actual monsters. I'm talking about bigfoot, nessie; that sort of thing.

Dave: Oooh! Me too! Let's do it together.

DM: Ya'll is crazy. What do you have, Donny?

Donny: Only the coolest character to grace this table. He's a badass, an outcast, and nobody likes him, but that suits him just fine. I'm talking leather jacket, I'm talking no respect for authority, I'm talking a couple lackies at my disposal. Plus, he's rich.

DM: And his shortcomings include?

Donny: He's got Midas' touch, only it's not gold he's getting handed, but shit. Everything turns to shit, and he has emotional problems.

DM: Right enough. Wanda?

Wanda: Oh, I donno, just a regular chick.

DM: What? That's it? C'mon, give us something to work with, here.

Wanda: Well, she's got a little charm. Oh, and she smokes three packs a day.

DM: She's like, 16!

Wanda: Make it 4.

>>12755517
10 internets to anyone who guesses.

Reposting some of my older stuff.

GM: Okay, before we get started, let me se your characters. Greg, what the fuck man? I know this is a fairly high-point game, but there is no way you could afford that much strength.
Greg: Nah it's fine. See? I took a whole bunch of disadvantages.
GM: A fucking prosthetic arm?
Greg: And max points from Dependent and Enemy.
GM: This is a dark fantasy game, for christ's sake. Speaking of which, Paige, what where you thinking? A fairy? Seriously?
Paige: What's wrong with it? I like fairies.
GM: You know what, whatever. Let's just keep going. Stan, I see you actually made a fairly normal fencing character. Thank god for small favors. How about you Fran?
Fran: I'm a sadomasochistic holy knight. And Stan's character's half-sister, but I don't know that. I'm also hot for him.
GM: Goddamnit Fran.

Okay guys, I know I said I wanted a large group for my military GURPS game, but this is a bit ridiculous. Whatever, let's get started. Pat, you first.
Pat: Psychotic mute with a flamethrower.
GM: What. Whatever, you've made worse. Scot?
Scot: Super-fast dude with a shotgun and a bat. I can also double-jump.
GM: You guys remember this is a realistic campaign, right? Whatever, I'll work that out later. Stan?
Stan: My guy specializes in rocket launchers. Awesome, right?
GM: No, that's retarded. Why did you also take special DR for rockets on your feet and legs? It better not be for-
Stan: It's for rocketjumping.
GM: Goddamnit guys. Whatever, lets keep this trainwreck rolling. Paul?
Paul: My guy is a french superspy. Master of disguise and all that jazz.
GM: How did you afford an invisibility cloak? Christ. Whatever, I'm not letting you attack while you're invisible. Not after last time.
Paul: Gaaaaaay.
GM: Shut up. Okay, Max, what about your guy?

>>12755693
Max: Doctor and field medic.
GM: Hmm. Not bad. It looks like this group will be needing a... what is this shit in your equipment section? A "healing gun"? Another that shoots syringes? Fuck, why don't you just take scalpel as a melee backup to perfect this retarded trifecta.
Max: Awesome!
GM: I was kidding. Don't. Shaun, thank you for following direction. I don't see anything too weird about your character. I am confused by your ranks in longbow training though.
Shaun: I plan on getting one later.
GM: Christ. Hank, why did you get 20 Strength? Not only is that retarded, but this is a modern war game. There's going to be guns, making your physical strength pretty much useless.
Hank: Not quite. Check out my equipment section.
GM: A fucking mounted gatling gun? You're carrying around a gun meant to be strapped onto planes, you do realize that?
Hank: Yeah it's awesome.
GM: Ugh. Ed, why does your character have points in Gadgetry, engineering and nothing else?
Ed: TURRETS!
Hank: HIGH FIVE!
GM: Fuck, I need a drink. Dan? Demo expert? Okay not too bad. What's with the one-eye drawback? And why does he have cultural familiarity with both Scotland and Africa? You know what, I don't care.

GM: Wait, you ALL took Enemy at the 100% level? I... I can actually work with this. That fixes a lot of stuff. Just gimmie a bit to do a rewrite for the setting.

>>12753321
>>12753355
I'd say that the Eiserne Jungfrau showing up proved to be the real turning point.

Sure, the main character narrowed his argument to 'magic wasn't involved in these murders', but then Heaven's anti-witch Inquisition busted in and started investigating the facts. Dlanor is probably the most competent antagonist other than Bernkastel.

>>12755550
Honk, Honk!

Anyone got the Crank-Exalted one?

Jim, I swear to god if you fail one more Will roll I will fucking strangle you.

GM: Alright, we're playing D&D. You know the drill. The others are going to be popping in and out because of schedule difficulties, but... Characters?

Chris: I made a... Well, it's kind of a homebrew class. It's called a Dark Knight.

GM: Goddammit Chris, I told you not to bring in any of your unbalanced homebrew shit. *Sigh*... We'll look into fixing that later.

Chris: Fine! I'll become a paladin later or something.

GM: Good. Renee?

Renee: Cleric.

GM: Thank god.

Renee: My character is banging Chris' character.

Kyle: What!

Chris: Dude, it's okay, we worked out the backstory.

Kyle: ... Fine, just don't make any moves on my girl.

GM: Ahem. I know we went over your character already...

Kyle: Yeah, Dragon Knight. Jumps high. The works.

GM: Are you sure you want to keep that low of a will save?

Kyle: Well, whatever. It's a pretty awesome class. What's the worst that could happen?

Bump for awesome

>>12755517
OH! Doug
I don't get who smokes though...

>>12756102
>>12756102
>>12756102

Aaahahahahaaaaa....aaahahhhahahahaaa....

>>12755517
The Breakfast Club.

>>12756102
What is this one?

People really need to stop assuming everyone else is going to get it and post a pic or something with it. Some of the write-ups I've seen in these threads reference seriously obscure shit or give such unhelpful clues that nobody gets what it's supposed to be.

>>12756566

Final Fantasy 4

In return:

>>12753864

What's this?

>>12756637
Gladiator the one with Russel Crow

GM: Okay, let's have a look at those character sheets.

GM: ...

GM: This will test me.

-later-

GM: Okay, that's... 27 points of damage. You tear its arms clean off and kick it into the nearest building. Bluish blood goes everywhere. Move?

Steve: I'm charging. *rolls* Fuck yeah.

GM: You hit it so hard the building separates from its foundation and travels... 300 meters, with the Angel still buried in it.

Steve: I pull the Angel out, slam it to the ground, and attack the core.

GM: With what?

Steve: ...its ribs. I snap its ribs off and use them as knives.

GM: Alright, here we go.

Steve: *rolls*

GM: Jesus Christ. What's your pilot skill again?

Steve: Uh... five.

GM: I hate you, Steve.

GM: Characters. Line em' up.

John: Super Soldier. Strong, silent type, not-so-great people skills.

GM: You maxed out luck?

John: You never know, man.

GM: Okay, and you?

Courtney: I'm playing an AI. She's cute, witty, and really, really good at what she does.

GM: She also has no combat skills. Hell, she doesn't even have a physical presence!

Courtney: She's a real good hacker though.

GM: *sighs* Next.

Jackson: A cool black man.

GM: It's never a good sign when you start off with- How do you have max luck AND charisma AND godly combat skill plus all these leadership feats?

Jackson: I took a lot of flaws.

GM: WHERE?

Jackson: They're on the back of the sheet.

GM: Dammit, I can't believe an addiction to cigars counts as a flaw. Alright, you bastards, let's get this party started.

>>12753137
dude i would love to hear the gm explain the Monarch and Missis the Monarch..OOOH and 21 and the ghost of 24.

DM: Ok. Homebrew rouge trader today gents. Lets see what characters you managed to scrape up? Ok John...Human, good gunmanship skills, seem like a solid leader.
If I may inquire...how the hell does your character have that gun?

John: Well...I took a few flaws.

DM: Hmmm... What the hell? Phobia: Space travel? How the hell is that going to...You know what. I'll make it work. How about you Jim?

Jim: I put alot of my points into mechanics and int.

DM: How the hell did you get that high an int?!

Jim: Flaw- 11 years old.

DM: For the love of... Atleast tell me you came up with something reasonable Claire.

Claire: Well...I focused more one a balanced build of dex and str. Also has a flaw for a missing arm and eye. I spent the rest of the points for a cybernetic replacment.

DM: Thats...better then I was expecting atleast.
Where are Adam, Jill, and Sherry?

John: I heard they where pretty busy and wouldn't be able to join till later although Sherry might stop by tonight.

DM: Typical...Well what ever they have for characters i'll see if I can work them in somehow...

>>12757174
OUTLAW STAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

MY GUN FIRES MAGIC AND MY SHIP HAS ARMS

DEAL WITH IT

>>12757213
very astute my good sir. Have an internet. I may expand on it if there is interest.

>>12752554
>>12752565
>>12752577

Awesome... somebody please cap this!

>>12757422
>did not notice the post with the screenshot

>>12753156

>>12757422
Pic related.

>>12752554
>>12752565
>>12752577

I imagine this is actually how Dan Ackroyd and Harold Ramis came up with the movie in the first place.

Wow. Is this thread archived?

Also, nobody answered: What's >>12753864 ?

>>12757631
Why don't you read the fucking thread before posting, or just fucking check the archive? IT WOULD TAKE LESS TIME, FUCKER.

>ITT: Lazy idiots fail at reading comprehension
>ITT: They fail again, and again, and again

>>12757641
See
>>12756647

>>12757641
Check again, they did answer, it was the Gladiator movie.

>>12757643
Because I'm a n00b and I don't even know how archiving works.
>>12757659
>>12757660
Sorry, dunno what I had smoked, I somehow thought the Gladiator one and the Quintuplet one were two different posts.

DM: You put all your points in medicine...but used CHA has a dump stat..what kind of doctor are you playing at.

DM : To tell you truth, I never expected this campain to last so long.

DM: ALL your powers are tied to a SINGLE device..and you took flaw: power source...you're kidding right?

>>12757746
Even as an adult, Schierke has zero sex-appeal.

>>12757767

It's not real.

GM: Ok, I knew that when I gave the three of you a mech, that there would be some collateral damage. But this is the 5th time you've blown up the same TV station! In one fight! And I still don't know how you've been making your Piloting rolls, given how many systems you fried in converting the cockpit to your tastes! And for the last time, philly cheese steaks do not give stat boosts, regardless of how many you eat!

>>12758781

Megas XLR. Nice.

>>12758856
>>12758781

GM: ... No the giant mech does not give a bonus to Seduction rolls! Intimidate maybe, but definitely not Seduction!

>>12752680
>Lockon... Lockon...

Bumping for awesome.

>>12757767

But I think that Schierke is a quite delicious loli...

GM: Alright, let's see what'cha got. Wizard, Wizard...Another wizard...Wizard, and a Half-Giant fighter? Someone explain this bullshit!

Irene: Well, you said it would be a high-magic campaign. That means there's like a 1:1 magi ratio, right?

GM: What? NO!

Ronald: How about we're all in a small magic society?

Daniel: Hey, yeah! Make it a school. I made my character like 100 to give him the extra INT and WIS. I'll be a teacher.

GM: What the fuck ever. Scruffy? What about your giant?

Scruffy: I'll be the janitor - No wait! The groundskeeper!

GM: Fine. One last thing, though. Why's your character immune to death spells Harold?

Harold: Let me just get out my backstory...

>>12762414

If my group tried that, the DM would accept it. However, in the first dungeon/cave/etc. that we traveled through, we would fight some golems in a room outfitted with an anti-magic field.

>TPK
>DM: now you know to make a balanced party.

>>12762516
Your average party would also be fucked in the same scenario. The fighter wouldn't have his magic weapons, so would be doing something like d10+strength and power attack and shit (which the half giant in this scenario would be just as good at) while the rogue would suck donkey dick because of no sneak attacks and the cleric and wizard wouldn't be able to do much either, naturally.

>>12762516

your DM is a dick. Just saying.

>>12753012
No Rommel? For shame.

"Okay, I rolled up a paladin. What alignments did you guys choose?"
"..."
"You're all evil, huh? Shit."

>>12763146
Wait... why wouldn't the rogue be able to sneak attack? It's neither a supernatural nor a spell-like ability, so anti-magic field shouldn't affect it.

>>12763358
The man said they would be fighting golems which are constructs.

Constructs are immune to sneak attacks.

The whole thing is still really retarded, since the wizards would still be doing the best by summoning orbs of acid and shit that DO work in an antimagic field.

Don't try to fuck with casters in a caster addition bro.

>>12763369
I had completely forgotten that they were golems, sorry about that :P lol

>>12763369
Orb of Acid make construct cry oil tears. Caster no nice man.

>>12756245
Yes, doug.
Sorry it took me so long, what with Real Life and all.

Listen to Patty Mayonnaise's voice. 4 packs a day. At least.

Twenty internets, sir.

>>12755680
My Love For You Is Lieik
BERSERK
-er

>>12762414
Wait, Harry Potter?

I might be wrong, but if I'm not...
You're the shit for making it difficult to recognize.
If it isn't Harry Potter...
You still rule, because it is SERIOUSLY hard to recognize.

>>12755794
OMUAYGAWD
Didn't catch this. Thirty Internets for being first.

Also; Why doesn't spellcheck freak out over 'Internets'? As long as it's capitalized, it's all good. At the same time, spellcheck is not a word, although we use it as a single verb/noun all the time.

>>12756806
We should stop attaching pictures.
As much As I would already know this is Halo, this takes the feather RIGHT OUT of my cap.
I want to feel clever. No more obvious Clues.
Also, nice.

>>12763561
It's definitely Harry Potter.
>Harold - Harry
>Irene - Hermione
Similar sounding
>Scruffy - Haggard - Hagrid
Similar definitions

>>12763759
Oh, and of course
>Ronald - Ron
But who gives a fuck about Ron?

>>12763700
It's not supposed to make ya feel clever. It's not supposed to be a guessing game. And it's really annoying when you get one and no one has any fucking idea what it is because of no pictures. Especially when it's something that sounds cool and you want to look it up BUT WAIT, you don't have a picture or title to go by.

Yes, I am in fact mad.

GM: So Greg is back in our gaming group, and we need to reintroduce him to the game. Unfortunately, he refuses to fucking roll a new character, so you guys have to go on a rescue mission to save him from a prison. The Americans are providing support but they're not happy about it.

Bill: Alright, I'll bring Gary to this mission with a sniper rifle and a m4.

Mary: You better not hog all the spotlight like you did during the last adventure with James.

GM: Mary? What're you playing?

Mary: Oh, I'm playing John again.

GM: Fred?

Fred: I'm Simon, I figure we might need a smart tech/hacker type of guy for this one.

LATER...

GM: FUCKING BULLSHIT, you metagaming faggots, there is no way you would have known to breach that wall and there is NO WAY you should have been able to kill all those guys. I don't care how good your rolls were, you were supposed to sneak by them!

Bill: Told you we'd get you, Greg. Can we finish now, I'm hungry.

GM: You know what? Fuck you guys, rocks fall. Everyone dies.

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

GM: FUCK YOU!

FINAL SESSION...

GM: So, Bill, though yours and Fred's characters died and Mary quit, you successfully manage to kill the BBEG before he finishes off Greg.

Bill: Wow, and I thought she was stupid for putting points in Throw.

GM: Good game, guys.

Greg: Alright, Ivan can you take me and Bill home now?

>>12763976
I'm not here for a guessing game, I like the clever retellings of stories as gaming sessions. Plox to be the telling of me the one this is being?

>>12763976
... Call of Duty MW2?

>>12764006
That's my guess.

Fuck. I was going to do STALKER, but I can't think of anything for it.

Bump!

People, just post ones if you think you can. Even if it's not amazing, it keeps the thread going, and SOMEONE's gonna like it.
And yes, the last one was Harry Potter.

GM: Hey there Al, Dick, Wade. Where's Barb?

Dick: Not coming at first, but she gave me her character sheet.

GM: Lemme' see here. Female character, as always. Kind of young for a detective.

Wade: Naw, it works. I'm sort of like their mentor.

DM: This isn't going to turn into a game of FATAL, is it?

(Laughter)

Dick: Naw, but we got enough young characters for it to get wierd. Mine's a teenager, too. I specialized in acrobatics and jump to make up for my small size.

GM: I can see this working. A bunch of young up-and-co... Al? Why's your character 70?

Al: Oh, that. See, I wanted to roleplay an older gentleman, so I figured being a butler would be cake. Besides, someone needs to keep the maynor looking nice.

GM: Wat

Wade: I sort of got voted to be the main character, so I decided to be rich. Parents died young and left me with a fortune.

GM: Fine, fine. I can't see any of you doing well in this though. The criminals of this game are gonna be real freakshows: Jesters, mutilated crazies, masterminds... The works.

"Shit. . . so no one else showed up?"

"Nope. Guess it's just you and me. You still want to DM?"

"Yeah, sure. But what are we gonna play?"

"Well, I've got a Ranger here. . . "

"Holy shit, how did you get a legacy weapon?"

"I dunno. They're not that expensive."

"They're not open for PURCHASE!!"

"Book says otherwise."

"Fine. Let me just get the Epic Level Handbook. . . "

"But I'm level 1!"

"That's what you fucking get for taking a legacy weapon! Don't want the strings attached? THEN DON'T TAKE THE FUCKING WEAPON! Did you even write a backstory?"

"Nope."

>>12765955

"So we have no idea who your people are."

"Nope."

"No idea what your culture's like."

"I got a tabard. . . "

"No idea where you got your horse."

"Nope. Who cares?"

"I do. Well, I hope you like giants, dude. Because I'm going to fucking kill your ass."

"Bring it. And get me some root beer."

>>12765840
Easy. Batman.

SOMEBODY ARCHIVE THIS SHIT NOW!

GM: Okay, I'm ready for the great escape game. Remember you'll have to refrain from shooting everything and everyone, or you'll end up as pancakes. Clyde, your sheet.
Clyde: Mine is a violent type. Killed a bunch of other prisoners, but still enough points in intelligence to be actually dangerous.

GM: A good One. Bill?
Bill: The possessive type. Don't like people fucking with me. Just ask my wife and her parents, heheh.

GM: And John... Oh god. Well, I guess a serial rapist is consistent with your history of characters. Peter?
Peter: Army veteran, had a hard time adapting to civilian life. A *bloody* hard time.

GM: Uhm.. okay. Frank, there's only yours left.
Frank: I'm a subtle one. You know, the drug leader, godfather-type. I don't kill people, I pay thugs that kill people.

(Peter slips a paper to the GM when others are looking at Frank)

"Okay, Tim, how bout you?"

"Arcane Defiler."

". . . Tim, we're not even playing Dark Sun. And the rest of the players are tiny fairies."

"Your point?"

And then the DM was powerless because Tim Curry voice.

"I still can't believe you guys ALL rolled warforged wardens."

GM: Ok, we're going to do a sequel to that sci fi campaign we did a while ago.

Amy: The one where most of our characters died when the space nazis brought in giant robots?

GM: Look, guys, I told you, I never expected them to have such a huge bonus against your capital ships, they were meant to be just a joke...

Kevin: Well, I came prepared this time.

GM: Ok... so you're going for a giant robot pilot... despite the fact that the earth guys don't have any giant robots...

Amy, Harry and Joe: Uhhh....

GM: Oh god, don't tell me you guys did too... Ok, ok, I can work with this.... let's say you guys got the prototypes of the robots the Earth decided to make after getting crushed last time. Let me see your sheets.

GM: Ok... so both Kevin and Harry are going for long ranged weaponry, and Amy's going for a melee build... and what's this?

Amy: I found this melee psionic build, I figured it'd be fun.

GM: ... Fine, fine, ok, psychics. In space. Whatever. ...Joe, why does your character have such a huge drive skill but is so bad at both range and melee?

Joe: I figured me and Harry could have a two seater robot, me driving, him firing.

GM: But robots run off the piloting skill.... oh fine, I'll just say it's a half tank half robot...

Bill: I just went for another capital ship captain.

GM: ... Why does he have such a high strength, if he's a Captain? And isn't he a bit young?

Bill: *shrugs*

GM: Ok, and Sally?

Sally: I'm gonna be an exiled princess!

GM: Oh boy...

"THIS is why we do not let invokers into our game. Understand?"

"Okay, so Dave, you're a hulking flesh golem covered in armor and weilding a bazooka."

"Yeah!!"

"And Jane, you're playing. . . a little girl?"

"Yep."

". . . Fuck it. Let's do this. How do you guys feel about art deco?"

"Goddammit, Harry, if I have to lead your spellcaster by the hand ONE MORE TIME. . . "

"She's damaged goods! She can't help it!"

"Look, i'm the fighter. You're the caster. So do something casty!"

*Yorda opens giant idol door*

"Huh. I guess that'll work."

A bit surprised nobody did Cowboy Bebop yet

GM: Alright, let's see what you guys have got.

Gary: can we have this take place someplace that's NOT New York for fucking once?

GM: Like where?

Ellie: How about, Tokyo!

*awkward silence*

GM: Sure, why the fuck not. Ok; so we're all clear on the campaign being about cops, right?

Players: Yes.

GM: That means no crazy shenanigans or any of that shit, got it?

Crystal: We get it!

GM; Ok, so you're all cops.....with skill: pilot? And you all took Mechanic skills as well? What the hell kind of cops are you guys trying to be?

Ellie: Awesome cops.

Brad: And we figured we could mix things up a little.

GM: 'Mix things up'? How?

Gary: With mechs.

GM:.....

Cyrstal: Come on, let us have some fun!

GM: Fine, I guess I can make this work.

Ellie: Oh! And can our mechs have really big versions of normal police gear like night stick, shotguns and revolvers?

GM: Yeah, why the fuck not.

*much rejoicing from players*

GM: Alright, you're Section 2, Division 2 Team 1 of the Tokyo Metro Police. Random construction mechs and such have been going haywire and wrecking shit, what do you want to do?

>>12771081
This better not be Patlabor.

GM: Dave, you just killed your traitorous mentor. The President just gave you a medal. What will you do now?

Dave: I'm going to stand at her grave and salute her.

>>12771116

Metal Gear Solid 3!

A strange thing about the series; While I liked it a lot, I always felt it was strangely awkward to control. The hand-to-hand combat always eluded me, too- I usually ended up futilely groping or punching air.

>>12771116
SNAAAAAKE EATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER

>>12771103
Ah, you got me!

>>12771127
Yeah, and I keep CQCing or rifle butting when I want to roll in Peace Walker.

GM: Alright Jack. What's your character?
Jack: A undead skeleton with very high charisma with knowledge of Shakespeare works. He's also unhappy with his current life even though he's a king.
GM: Riiight. Sandy, Ken and Glen will join us later in the game. Now you stand in a cemetary with your pet ghost dog. What do?
Jack: I sing.
>>12771116
Metal Gear Solid 3.

GM: Well its just down to you and me Bruce. Everyone else is dead or...about to be. Oh and hows the old San score?

Bruce: Eat a dick.

GM: Hilarious! So hilarious in fact the everything around you starts laughing The deer head, the lamp hell even the bookcase lets out a chuckle that would make the Joker guffaw. What would you like to do?

Bruce: Laugh with em. You aint beat me yet you

Gm: THeres a knock at the door.

Bruce: I level ol Doublebarrel!

>>12771158
Evil Dead 2! Easy!

>>12771158
GM: Have I told you lot how easy to murder you all are? Cause you guys are like the most killable thing ever.

Bruce: I'm still here. Sure I lost most of my SAN and an apandege but you havent beat me yet.

GM: Well what are you going to do? Rummage around in the old shack out back for something HANDY? Oh I slay me...

Bruce: Sure...whats in there?

GM: A couple of chains parts of a couple of bracers and a broken chainsaw. What are you planning to do?

Bruce: Something groovy.

*End of the session*

GM: You motherfucker...no this I wont allow it too end like this!

Bruce: Well what are you gonna do about it?

GM: Well gimme a quick roll for luck.

Bruce: * does so*

GM: Aww look at that, you tumble backwards into the portal with the monsters.

Bruce: Thats it?

GM: Come back next week. I Won't be satisfied until your character lies dead and rotting.

>>12771127
>>12771133
>>12771137
>>12771149
Obviously.

On a sidenote, the Boss is second only to Solid Snake in terms of having a tragic life.

>>12771203
Lead in to Army of Darkness? FUCK YEAR.

>>12771208
Dead Husband. Child got taken away. Her favorite student kill her because she's serving her country. Will always be remember as a traitor.

EXTREAMLY TRAGIC.

>>12771203
GM: Welcome back Bruce.

Bruce: THis is some epic level bullshit right here. But I'll roll with it.

*Later*
Bruce: I climb out of this pit and lecture these primitive screwheads on why you do not fuck with me!

*Later*

GM: You emerge from the mirror and begin to attack yourself, causing some rather hefty SAN loss, what do you do?

Bruce: Shoot me in my smug handsome face. Good or bad I'm the one weilding the boomstick, then I'll cut him the fuck up I dont want this bugger coming back.

*later*
Bruce: I fucking hate you.

GM: The army advances toward you and ummm your girlfriend is with them, now totally evil.

Bruce: ARGHHHH.

*Even later*

GM: Well fucking done....you beat an evil army and the wizards have a potion to help you get back home. Roll me one last luck.

Bruce: * does so*

GM: Fuck....you wake up in the present and return to your job in the S-mart.

Bruce: Oh well that's

GM: SUDDENLY ZOMBIE!

Bruce: I got this....Gimme som sugar babe.

>>12752903
>red-hot China girl
>gets blowed up

...Well, I know which Gundam series I'm never watching.

>>12771256
Uhh... UHH... I LOVE IT... UNH...
I CAME.

>>12771256
* ALTERNATE ENDING FOR /CO/*

Bruce: *rolls for luck*

GM: YESSSS! The spell malfunctions and you awake in an alternate dimension!

Bruce: What!?

GM: You run outside and see a gigantic gree zombie with a zombie carrying a shield.

Bruce: Hold the fuck up....have you been stealing my back issue's of Marvel Zombies.

GM: Maybe.....yes.

Bruce: Fuck it....lets see what happens.

* Way later*

Bruce: FUCK YES DOCTOR DOOM YOU ARE THE BEST PARTNER EVER!

>>12771269

I'll point out that she looks like this. Holy shit.

Pic very related.

>>12771231
Also, as of Peace Walker:

- Superiors were tricked by false intel, so they sent her to kill von Neumann in 1943. Found out she was pregnant, broke her cover for a second as a result, then got grazed by a bullet across her head while dodging a gut shot. Fell into a coma for 3 months, ended up regretting not carrying out the mission because she felt that von Neumann surviving led to the Cold War.

- Got irradiated and became infertile in 1951.

- 1960: Joined the Mercury Project. The Boss becomes the first person to ever go to space. Seeing the Earth from space led to the beginning of her dream, which was to unite the world as one. Unfortunately, the re-entry capsule crashes when she returns in 1961, severely injuring/burning her and sending her into a six-month coma. During her time in space, she was exposed to more radiation. In addition to that, the crash led the government to cover up the whole experiment. Her time in space becomes an unknown chapter of her life.

- 1962: After her recovery, she is forced to assassinate the Sorrow, with her child's life used as leverage against her. Obviously, she succeeds in killing her husband.

>>12771310

Da-yamn, that's hot. Gotta love the china dress.

>>12771313
Well shit. It can't get any worse than that. This is even more than Solid Snake now.

>>12771313
Two notes.

1) The US government was pissed at her for crashing the capsule (which was their fault because they added a window to the thing), so they forced her to kill her husband.

2) 2 years after she kills her husband, MGS 3 begins.

>>12771313

THEN THERE'S THE GIANT ROBOT.

SERIOUSLY, A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT.

>>12771319
Cheongsam is NEVER wrong.

>>12771334
>>12771337
Oh goddammit.

>>12771337
Oh, right.

It was revealed in Peace Walker that the Boss decided to put her gun down and started singing after the Mercury Project, hoping in vain that peace would eventually come. Her hope was shattered when she was forced back into service by the US government.

When Big Boss hears that, he actually said that Boss betrayed him and everything she did as a soldier by choosing to lower her gun and dying only for her country.

DM: Okay, we're running a Mutants and Masterminds game, high PL. Say hi to our new member.

Angela: Hi guys.

Luke: Can we bring our characters over from the last game? The team fell apart, but our characters survived. Mostly.

Jerry: Fuck you. I'm playing a magician this time.

DM: Sure, kind of a modern Iron Age thing then? Remind me what your characters are?

Jen: Chain smoking lightning elemental.

Jake: Super-powered detective.

Lee: Flying Chinese hawk-lady.

Angela: I've got this genius girl who gets her powers from nanotechnology.

Luke: Gay Batman.

Abe: Gay Superman.

DM: Guys, come on. I don't care what you get up to away from the table -

Luke: It's cool, we'll not make a big deal out of it. Plus, my guy's not like a sparkly faggot or anything. He kicks aliens in the brain and doesn't take your shit.

DM:... fine

*later*

DM: Well. You killed God. Good for you?

Luke: We get gay-married.

DM: Oh fuck you guys.

>>12771348

IF IT'S WRONG, I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT.

>>12771387

The Midnighter once kicked Hitler in the balls.

AFTER HE WENT BACK IN TIME.

Then he had open-heart surgery while awake.

>>12771424
>Then he had open-heart surgery while awake.
It's not as an impressive feat as it sounds, he has two hearts.

>>12771447
its more the massive pain of having your chest split in twain, held open and watching as the doctor fiddles the fuck around with your tick tocker.

GM: I have you now Bill! Your stuck in the outback, sure you discovered what was causing the disease but you too have contracted it. You have no cellphone and with your little assistant elsewhere your pretty much fucked. What would you like to do in your last moments?

Bill: I want to preform surgery on myself and remove the parasite.

GM: Shabawah?

Bill: I have all my tools and anotehr sterile bubble. Why the fuck not, my medical skill and endurance are already pretty fucking high. What do I have too lose?

GM: Ok but the sheer number of penealities will be your downfall.

* 5 minutes later*

GM: FUCKING WHAT!?

Bill: I got the little glowing bitch....Now I suture myself up.

>>12771447

Not at that point - the spare had been taken out and replaced with a bomb. He was staying awake during the surgery to have the bomb taken out, while holding a small child hostage. Said child was actually the villain from the past. The idea being that if anything went wrong, PARADOX MOTHERFUCKER

>>12771459

See, the sequence of events:

1.) He was captured, and a bomb was put where his second heart should be.
2.) His captor ordered him to go back in time and kill Hitler.
3.) Stopped by time police.
4.) Came back- And took his captor's kid self with him, used the kid as hostage for open-heart surgery while awake.
5.) Kicked his captor's head off. (His captor thought, amusingly, that he was about to rape him. The Midnighter's response was: "You sick fuck.")

>>12771474

Ahhh, Blackjack. I read the manga as a kid in school. Also, you missed out the part where he stabbed an attacking wolf. Yeah, that was a trippy series.

>>12771459
There's closed-chest heart surgery that requires the patient to be awake, too, and they only use local anaesthetic for the groinal incisions. They do usually give you a drug to make you doze off and forget whatever happens in surgery, but some people are immune to the drug.

There's a (remarkably unfunny) comedian named Matthew Davis who went through this, and because of his long-term alcohol abuse (so he says), the drug just made him feel slightly tipsy.

>>12771487
Ach aye I did...Shite...I fell a bit lame now. But aye it was a weird and awesome series

>>12771492

Well, the line was pretty much:
Surgeon, wrist deep in his chest cavity: "Are you SURE you don't some anaesthetic?"
Midnighter: "I'm sure I don't want whatever you've mixed in with it."

>>12771478
Oh, right. My bad. But doesn't he have like a huge amount of autopainkillers in him or something?

DM: Mate, you do know that this is going to be a magic-heavy game, right? As in, fighting demons, the undead, sorcerors.

Player: Yup.

DM: You've barely any magic spells or powers.

Player: Mmhmm.

DM: But you've maxed out Charisma and Bluff. And Knowledge: Underworld. Like, the afterlife?

Player: More like the Kray twins. Gangs and that.

DM: Right. And you've no basically no combat skills.

Player: He has lung cancer too.

DM: You're not going to last very long, you know.

Player: Bring it.

*time passes*

Player: So, I've blackmailed all three Lords of Hell into a stalemate over the ownership of my soul. If I die, Hell falls into a civil war none of them want. Their only option is to cure my cancer and make me functionally immortal.

DM: .... fffffffFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU

GM: Ok, so it's a detective game. Dave, Greg, you guys have typical sort of characters. Your back stories are decent enough.

Dave: Could've rolled a higher Cha though.

Greg: It'll be fine, our characters balance out well. We can do the whole good cop bad cop routine too.

GM: Yeah, don't worry. I kinda want you to figure the things out for yourselves anyway. Sue, your person's good as well. But, Andy? What's with your guy?

Andy: You know, good cop bad cop. I'm the bad cop.

GM: There's bad cop and then there's cop willing to break the law to meet his own gains. I mean an alcoholic who sometimes looks the other way is one thing. But you've got him practically doing the bad guys jobs and borderline torturing suspects.

Andy: It works. He always gets results.

GM: The wrong results maybe. This guy'll just bang the nearest guy and call it a day. You're supposed to think things through here.

Andy: Just keeping it in character. The other guys can sort the crimes out, I have the contacts. My Cha is high enough.

GM: And you too Pete? What's with this backstory?

Pete: My guy's a time-traveller.

GM: In a detective game?

Pete: Yeah.

GM: How?

Pete: Dunno really. I'll figure it out

GM: Ok guys you know the drill, let me see your character sheets and tell me the background for the character. John your first.
John: Im a Martian with mastery over mind and matter.
GM: What the hell I said keep it real, fine and a waekness to fire? Nvm. Next!
Clark: Im also an alien, but I look human and have super speed, invulnerability, super strength...
GM: and he was raised by farmers? How the hell did you afford these points?
Clark: Took weakness to green space rocks, and being a huge moralfag.
GM: Fine. Jordan?
Jordan: Playing a black dude, who was ex sniper and
now an architecht.
GM: ok. How you going to compete with the rest the party?
Jordan: Highly advanced techological piece of equipment that can do anything I can think of.
GM: Ok... A magic ring. Anything else?
Jordan: Ya it was given to me by the Guardian of the Universe and Im a space cop. Oh and weakness to the color yellow.
Party: *snicker*
GM: Fine. Diana?
Diana: An Amazonian princess from an island of
Amazons. I got super strength, magic lasso that forces the truth to those tied up. Also bullet proof bracers, and invisiable jet.
GM: what's with weakness: tied up?
Diana: Shes an Amazon, they lose their powers when tied up or handcuffed.
GM: Fine no bondage crap, keep it PG.
Bruce: Im playing a richboy billionare who
fights crime.
GM: I like it. Anything else?
Bruce: "My parents are DEAAD!"
GM: Grim Dark, I like it. Stark contrast to
Clark's noblebright. Ok Shila your character?
Shila: Red headed chick with bird wings
and a giant mace/taser thing. Also an alien who was part of an advanced vanguard for invasion.
GM; Fine. What's this ragband of crime fighters
called?
Party: The Justice League.

>>12771545
Who dis?

>>12771933
John Constantine, from the series Hellblazer.
Also, from the fuck-awful movie "Constantine".

>>12771933
Derp. Kill your self now.

>>12771951
Hey, now.. cut the guy some slack.
First: he may not read comics, or at least, not that one.
Second: he may have good taste in movies and skipped Constantine.

....
Wait, I'm on /tg/, so the second argument is invalid.
Fuck that guy.

>>12771545

>John motherfucking Constantine

Long and hard I've tried to make a Glorious Bastard of a character to match him, and many a time I've failed.

One day, I'll do something that falls into his league and then I will die, having completed my life's purpose.

>>12771961
Actually, you're right on both counts.

>>12752631
Metal gear solid campaign

FUUUUCk NOW I HAVE TO DO THIS FUCK

DM: Goddammit. Looks like the other guys can't make it today. Oh well... we'll just run a game without them. Let's see what we've got, shall we?
Greg: I'M A KNIGHT!
DM: ... Greg, are you drunk?
Greg: Mebbe.
DM: ... Greg, your character is seventy years old.
Greg: So?
DM: Greg, I... fuck it. Dave?
Dave: I, uh... I guess I'm Greg's friend. And--
Greg: Hear me now, O thou bleak and unbeeeaaarable world... ♪
Dave: And I've got plenty of...
Greg: Thou are base and debauched as can beee! ♫
Dave: Uh...
Greg: And a knight, with his baaanners all braaavely unfurled, now hurls down his gauntlet TO THEE! ♪
Dave: ... Maybe we should just call off tonight's game and let Greg sober up or--
DM: ... No, I think I can make this work.
Greg: I AM I, DON QUIXOTE!

GM: So Victor, i want to talk to you about this new character of yours.
Victor: Awesome, isnt he?
GM: Its the worst example of munchinism i have seen in my life: Good at martial arts, highly charismatic, have a superpowered powerarmor, owns his own country, is a powerful magician, is an omniscientific supergenius with an INT so high that the system does not really handle it, and he got diplomatic immunity. Sorry Victor but you have to redo this, he is way over the assigned points value.
Next week:
GM: So your revised character is exactly the same as the first version except with flaws?
Victor: it all adds up now, i swear.
GM: Ok, lets see: Megalomania, hmm, makes sense and a rival, can work with this, and his mother is trapped by a demon lord, a compelling plot hook. Ok i will allow it if you get him a decent backstory.
Victor: Yes!
Later that week:
GM: The backstory was more detailed than i had expected, pretty good too, i must admit. A courageous if pretty twisted decision to let his two romantic interests be his own mother and the rival he got a gay crush o...
Victor: Its not a gay crush!!!
GM: Whatever.
Later in the game:
Victor: RICHAAAARDS!!!!

>>12771711
> no flash

>>12771676

Its a godawfull small affair, to the girl with the mousy hair.

but her mummy is yelling no, and her dady has told her to go.

And her firends is nowere to be seen, now she runs through her sunken dream.

To the seat with the clearest view, and she's hooked to the silver screen

Fire Up the Quattro

DM: Okay, you guys got the setting a few weeks ago, detectives, prohibition era, yada yada, work out the details later. Lets see what you guys came up with

Peter: Well I went for an Inspector, figured it was a little classier than the other two thugs.

DM: Wow, dumped all your points into Wisdom and Intelligence, huh?

Pete: Yeah, sorta thought it would-

Richard: HA! Like any of that shit's gonna matter in a setting where tough guys are in control! Here's my guy: big burly mother fucker. Don't got time for that mamby pamby thinkin' an' shit.

DM: . . . That's it? High Strength and Endurance? got a back story for him?

Richard: Fuck that shit. He's an ace detective, what more's there to know. Besides what part of Big. Burly. Motherfucker. Didn't you understand?

DM: Guess you'll build him as you go.. And what about you, Drew?

Drew: Eh, went for a typical sort of guy only with scary high charisma.

DM: Wow... Uh, you do know you picked Astronomically Unlucky as flaw, right?

Drew: Yeah, thought it would make things interesting, Besides, its a requirement for a skill I've been wanting to see in action. It may take a while to actually nail down though.

I don't think i could write it properly. but someone who can should do an Avatar one. where the players are supposed to be the RDA military, but one goes off on his own, making rediculous bluff checks to get into the navi and derails the DMs entire campaign.

>>12772775
>Fire up the Quattro
>Fire UP the Quattro

With pleasure.

>>12773275

Given the Nanoha Special Attack Power/Infatuation Correlation theory, that's probably the only way Quattro can orgasm these days...

>>12773427
Now I'm picturing Quattro locked up in a straight jacket, rubbing herself off against the walls while babbling insensate about Nanoha's "big pink one".

DM: Alright. Low Fantasy campaign. I want to keep this one semi-realistic. Sheets?

Steve: Here's mine. Lawful Good Human Berserker.

DM: The hell? Where did you get all these combat feats? Two-Weapon Fighting? Cleave? Improvised Weapon: Animal? And these berserker skills! Good God, this man could take on an army and win! How did you afford all this? And your Bluff skill is ridiculous!

Steve: Flaws. A shit-ton of flaws.

DM: Serious Addiction (Alcohol), Crippling Mental Disorder (Existential Depression), Cowardly, Racial Hatred (Non-Human), Racial Hatred (Human), Hatred (Nobility), Hatred (Dragons)... This guy hates everybody?

Steve: EVERYBODY

DM: Ok, uh, wait. Law-Abiding? You realize that this campaign takes place in a city, right?

Steve: Yeah?

DM: A city with lots of laws. That you'll have to be enforcing, remember?

Steve: Yeah?

DM: Laws like "Don't murder people?" This guy is never going to get a chance to use any of these combat skills.

Steve: I, uh, ohhh...

DM: Whatever, Phil?

Phil: Uh, I kinda got some pretty shitty rolls on my stats. Human Fighter, by the way.

DM: You took a bow? With dexterity like that? And what's with all the points in Trade (Seargent)?

Phil: ...its what he's good at?

DM: And I see you took Cowardly as a flaw too. For what? You're hamstrung enough as it is!

Phil: ...

DM: Ned?

Ned: Figured I play the skill-monkey. Rogue. Good at stealing.

DM: ...monkey is right. What the hell race are you supposed to be?

Ned: Human.

DM: Why is your charisma so low? Good God, you took every charisma lowering flaw in the book? Hideous, Poor Hygiene, Uncanny Valley and... And Cowardly. Three cowards in this outfit. Fantastic. Well Chris will be joining us later. I think I can work this..

GM: Ok, after the... bizarre conclusion to the last campaign, we're going to try something a bit more down to earth. Put simply, it's going to be a police/detectives theme, and unlike last time there's no way you guys can cock this one up.
Karl: I wouldn't put money on that one.
Cameron: Can we use our characters from the last campaign?
Karl: See?
Simon: Oh you mean the one with the giant robots and the Spiral King-
GM: SPEAR KING!
Simon: Yeah him.
Cameron: Yeah that one!
GM: ... You know, sure. Go nuts. You're going to have to retool them to get them to fit though. (Plus it saves me having to make a bunch of new NPCs...)
Cameron: I'm still taking Manly As Fuck though. And I'm going to have a bitching awesome car!

*A few sessions later*

Simon: Why am I dressed as a girl again??
Cameron: For a sting operation! Look, if all else fails, I'd do something awesome with my car, like challenge the perp to a game of Chicken or something.
Karl: How did you two stay on the force as long as you have??
Cameron: Manly As Fuck.
GM: If this goes tits up, the Spiral King-
Simon: Don't you mean Spear King?
GM: Different setting. Anyway, he's going to be pissed off beyond belief.
Cameron: Ahhh what's the worst he could do? Partner me with some hard ass, by-the-books loser?
Karl: Hey!
Cameron: Hey, I told you you should have taken Manly As Fuck.

>>12773576
>DM: Serious Addiction (Alcohol), Crippling Mental Disorder (Existential Depression), Cowardly, Racial Hatred (Non-Human), Racial Hatred (Human), Hatred (Nobility), Hatred (Dragons)... This guy hates everybody?

This is where I got it.

>>12773613
Help me! I'm lost

>>12773628
From left: Ned, Chris, Steve, Phil.

>>12773576
.....oh god..... I think I know, but..... but then, who's the first guy?

DM: Ok so we're playing in a modern-day setting using D&D 3.5 rules, remember I said you can use any core book and we'd be using high-technology as magic. I take it you read all the rules for modern weapons I emailed? Good. So, what're you playing?

Wow.

A whole party of Huge Warforged Druids, really?

>>12773576
Except Vimes doesn't hate non humans or humans. In fact, it's the opposite: he's totally un-prejudicial, which comes across as odd when in the setting you've got Dwarves hating Trolls and vice-versa, and some humans hating others... He doesn't HATE dragons, for the love of god his wife owns a homeless dragon shelter. The only Hatred: [thing] that fits is the Nobility one. And he's not a berserker either. Vimes almost never looses his cool, and I know, I know, The Beast, but he's got total mastery over himself and never lets it loose of its chain. Not to mention, while he is an excellent street fighter, he couldn't take on an army and win.

But other than that, very good.

>>12773792
Steve: [ever-increasing rank] Sam Vimes
Ned: Corporal C. W. St. John "Nobby" Nobbs.
Phil: Sergeant Fred Colon.
Chris: Most likely [ever-increasing rank] Carrot Ironfoundersson.

DM: All right, this is a CoC campaign set in the northeastern USA. Let's see your characters.
Bella: Maxed out my charisma and luck.
DM: I see you're lacking any skills....
Bella: Don't worry about it. I'll make friends with everyone. Trust me, it will be useful.
DM: Okaaaay. Jake, I notice you're a werewolf. Good mechanical skills... and holy shit, those are big combat bonuses.
Jacob: Yeah. Actually, I'm going to miss a lot of sessions for the first bit. Got night shifts for the next few months.
DM: Okay, we'll just introduce you in this session and bring you back in when you get back on days.
Mike: I've got the "unrequited love" flaw.
Angela: So do I!
Jacob: Now that you mention it....
Eric: Hey, me too!
Jessica: What are the odds?

*next session*
DM: Ed, you don't have a character yet, so you can run the BBEG.
Bella *looks at his character sheet*: Oooh, you're a hottie.
Ed: All right! God mode!

*time passes*
DM: No! This is not a fucking ero game! It will never happen! Over my dead body!

*time passes*
Ed: I cast a spell to make myself sparkle!
DM: Um... sparkle?
Ed: Yeah. Girls like sparkles, right?
DM: ....
Mike: Fuck this, I'm not playing any more.
Angela: Same.
DM: But we spent five sessions building up your characters!
Mike: Screw it.
Eric: Yeah. He's not even playing his sensitivity to light flaw.
Jessica: Come on Mike, let's grab some pizza.

*a few months later*
Jake: Hey guys! Um....

>>12773902
Yeah, I got the last three. It was Vimes that was giving me trouble.

GM: Alright, this game is centered around using magical animal companions for combat. Let's see them stats!
Player: Here you go.
GM: Okay, low Int, high Cha.
Player: Yeah, stupid but friendly.
GM: I can understand that. Let's see you starter animal- HOLY SHIT! How did you get it's stats so high?
Player: Turns out the 'violently disobedient' flaw is a big deal.
GM: Oh, wait, so it doesn't listen and it attacks you? Okay, that really balances it out.

Later that session...
Player: Shit yeah, rolled a twenty on my diplomacy roll! Not that overpower electric rat is Loyal to me!
GM: Ffffffffffffffuuuu-

>>12773966

Was Vimes not a bit obvious as soon as you got Colon and Nobby?

>>12774104
Yeah, but the Flaws just didn't fit him. See >>12773878

>>12774081
Good thing his power basically resets at the start of every season

>>12772605
Shit I thought I forgot someone. I wrote all this on my iphone so there's little time to type and look up who I missed.

>>Added
GM: Ok, it looks like we have a new player. I'm going to retcon him in as already being in there. Allen. What's your character.

Jay: Well you know. I'm the fastest man in the world.

Party: We bet. *Wink*

Jay: Hey! But no, I got my powers from a lighting bolt that struck some weird chemicals.

GM: Ok. However how the hell did you get so high Cha, Int, and forgot to put points in Wis? Super-speed gives you super-dex, yet what's your weaknesses? I don't see any.

Jay: I didn't put any. How about flaw: Arch-Enemy (Psionic Talking Gorilla).

GM: Let me guess it's an Alien?

Jay: Nope! My character is completely human, and my arch is actually a rogue member of an entire race of psionic talking gorillas. Oh did I mention they developed much better technology than normal humans?

GM: *Sigh* Fine. I did ask you to go all out. However I didn't expect most of my players to be aliens or have alien technology. Your main villains are: Ares the God of War, A bald dude with an ego complex, A yellow magic ring user, Circus Freaks and a psychopathic clown, and a talking gorilla. Too bad like most villains they're unorganized, and have paper thin plots that involve "taking over the world" or "robbing a bank".

>>12773878
Well, he does have a serious mad on about vampires.

Bippity Boppity Bump

>>12773449
Vivio must have an even worse case, then.