Smashing a lamp on the floor as a calling card whenever we break in to a house.

Playing Eclipse Phase

Always kill the Jovians. So far we haven't met a single Jovian who didn't end up dead. One guy took Jovian insults as a language skill. another put Jovian Extermination as one of his motivations.

Blow up every dungeon we pass through.

Those who are acting suspicious are assumed to be cannibals, and proof must be found of their misdeeds. If it can be found, or manufactured, BURN THEM ALL!

Midnight Hobo
Our Dwarven Clans
One Can Rape The Willing

You open the door to find Angron, Primarch of the World Eaters. Roll initiative.

Use the rogues outstanding bluff to convince people one of us is royalty.

Spriggins!

In L5R we sprinkle Jade Tea on any samurai we kill, so that we can report them as being Tainted and absolve ourselves of any incrimination.

Always a 'friendly' (read: reasonable enough to be considered an ally) cleric named Father Thomas in every game...in every setting that has a religion (and many that don't). Also, Shadowrun: Every bar must have a Troll bouncer named Robert.

"You come across a door"

"I wipe it off"

Snotling underpants.
Any act of McGuyver-esq genius, or sheer stupidity, is a snotling underpants moment.
And Ninja Snotlings, any moment of sheer WTF? or any PC who thinks they're really, really good, but are really, really crap, is a Ninja Snotling.

1st session we ever did, GM had us attacked by a group of Ninja snotlings, 1 round ambush, they all jumped out the trees, about 10 of them.
10 botches later, the entire area is pasted with Goblin guts and we didn't even raise a sword.
At which point, our Halfling looted them for anything they had, GMs response was "They have loincloths and pointed sticks.", Halfing response "I put a loincloth on a stick and make a torch."
And so the Snotling underpants torch was born.
We later used it to blow up a 15th level demon 3 sessions later.
While we were still 1st leve.
I am not kidding,

>VAST

Also everyone is a Mage. 15 Arcane experience to all.

Nice pants.

An owl who just stares at the party, hooting. Then, as the party leaves confused, the owl says goodbye.

There is always an Elf barmaid named Betty at every bar, tavern, and hotel. But it's never the same girl.

In one of our D&D games, on three separate occasions we encountered three different liches, all of whom owned ships. Through various shennanigans, we always managed to get away, but not before blowing up the ship we were on. We never beat the liches, but always destroyed their ships and got away. We were Lionel's Lich & Ship wrecking service.

We watched the Narnia movies, and voted unanimously that if there was ever a talking beaver, that shenanigans would be called.

Putting X in the line of fire is a free action. X being the poor sob who's also responsible for the next one.
"I'm wearing panties!"
BAD DM! BAD ENDING!

"You just enjoy torturing us, don't you?"
"Tee Hee"

"Goddamnit, tentacles again?!"

"But I have [DEFENSE]!"
*Grin*
"Fuckers."

Also Satanic robot hookers and characters ceasing to exist for a few moments at a time (Internet game, connection trouble).

Liquor and cheese.

Dark Heresy: everyone dies or gets injured except for my blue eyed heavy weapons nigger. I honestly don't know how Cromwell has survived for so long. It's become an unintentional running joke.

>>8634191
At least once per game my players face off against Bearcop the Bear Cop.

ELIZABEEEEEEETH!

The sad drunken cry of our brave comrade Zanzibar Graves. One night whilst reveling in our victory after having defeated some vile pirates, he retired to his quarters with what he thought were two beautiful women. The next morning he woke up alongside a naked bell but for some reason the sheets were covered in soil and broken bits of pottery. He stumbled through the city crying for his one true love Elizabeth. She was a potted plant. Word of God states that many years later there was a significant increase in the dryad population.

Long running gag about our Paladin being Pro-contraception, after he was forced to Baby sit for a Noble Woman to protect the Heir to the Kingdom, who was 12 at the time.
The exact line was "If the king had learned that just because you unsheath your sword, don't mean you have to dip it in blood before it can go back in in his pants, I wouldn't be looking after the little warrior now."

"I draw my six-shooter".

We were playing a medieval low-fantasy game in which the players started off as what essentially amounted to law enforcers in a dusty desert town otherwise devoid of law and reason. The setting was so reminiscent of a Western show, however, that one player kept consistently forgetting we were playing medieval fantasy and he said (ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION) "I draw my six shooter". He just couldn't get it into his head that all he had was a mace and his wits, and that there were no guns in-setting.

Of course, now it's a line that comes out almost every session, especially if it abhorrently defies genre convention. It also tends to get used a lot when a character is totally unarmed.

"Okay, you're naked, tied up in your jail cell and the guard is about to whoop you good for killing his buddy. What would you like to do?"

"... I draw my six shooter."

>>8634365
Guardsman with a ton of wounds?

friend says wand weird way (wand like hand)
spider poles are the most useful item in the game
a lion is more powerful then are entire team (the lion kept rolling fucking 20s even killed are minmaxed cleric)

Fe fi fo fum, i shall rape you with my bum.

>>8634410
People who say stuff like this always makes me kind of cringe, because people don't TALK like this. They NEVER talked like this. It's like listening to people who learned social interaction from terrible 80s sword-and-sorcery novels.

When we first rolled characters in 4e, or DM was explaining the rules by running us through a simple combat encounter. We got bored, and so he started making things more interesting. Suddenly, the wolf we were fighting was an armored dire wolf. Worse, it had mounted shoulder cannons, which were filled with wands, and rotated like chain guns. Each wand blasted us for 1d10 fire damage, and he had 20 wands... in each cannon. Also, the wolf was sentient, a polymorphed sorcerer. The sound of the spinning barrels of the wand-cannons ("BRRRBBRBRBRBR!!") still occasionally haunts us.
"What do I hear when I press my ear to the door?"
"You hear a faint sound in the distance. It's getting closer. bbbbrrbrbrbrbrBRBRBRBRBR!!"
"OH GOD NO, RUN FOREVER."

MEMES

"No, you can't do that, you're in the bar getting drunk." Reference to something or other. That mutated over time into "No, you can't do that, you're on the bat getting drunk". End of that session it became "You're in the bat getting drunk."

Now every city in every setting has a bar called The Bat or something similar.

Well this will require setup to make understandable but rod's of gust of wind can only be used with perform checks.


So, my usual group says they would like to try something, just a one off and they would buy dinner for me if I did. I was like ok, but they better be boneless wings.


So, 15th level 3.5 game no actual setting, just "generic fantasy town with several skilled craftswizards".
So players have characters already made, this makes me pleased as I don't have to wait 3 hours. I go over the sheets, bard...bard again? warrior, wizard. Ok, weird party, look at the names Bard 1 Rogeren De'tree, Bard 2 Pietro de Town-fin, Warrior Kiefer Moonfallen, and the Wizard Johnathan Entcaller.

I was like...interesting names guys, you seem like you put some work into this. Stats looked good, all of them had some points in charisma though not sure who the face was since they were all human. Anyway, I got things rolling.

Before I even get a chance to exposistion, players go "can we get some magical items crafted while we're here, and you do your exposition stuff as we investigate while waiting?"
I'm all like sure...I know this isn't going to end well.

>>8634562

Dead Ale Wives Watchtower presents Dungeons and Dragons

Die monster, you don't belong in this world.
I hope this isn't " insert characters name"'s blood
this "place we are in" is HUGE(badly done like Barry in resident evil.)

Always trying to come up with a cool operation name for the plan, and failing horribly.

Rampant clumsiness.

Opening a door or portal, to find a naked man covered in Vaseline, reading Berenstein Bear books and shocking his nipples with a car battery.

An incompetent undead hero of the ages whose spirit inhabits a suit of armor.

Awkward situations, like two characters having to share a room, and wild tantric sex can be heard through the paper-thin walls. Or reaching into your bag to pull out the key for the dungeon, drawing instead the latest issue of Kobold Booty Weekly.

Bigsby as a recurring character to cheat and gamble the party out of every hard-earned penny.

Bar Crawls.

The little brown girl.

Bees.

A man in a giant cartoonish chicken suit that randomly runs past. Doesn't stop or interact, just simply "In walking down the haunted corridor" or "While passing through the back alleyway", "a man in a chicken suit runs by."

Undead band playing themselves as instruments; xylophone skeletons, haunted armor metal drums, etc...

Hillbilly Vampires.

---

Just some off the top of my head.

>>8634511
What; bitching about the king not being able to keep his dick in his pants but saying sword instead of "Yep. The king would whip out his cock the second a bar wench looked at him"
Because people never use indirect dirty jokes, right?
Fucking idiot.

Things summoned by our summoner:

Rape Gerbils
Dynamite strapped to a kitten
Ant Soldiers the size of an ant
He also managed to, during the very first battle, as his very first action, open a portal, jump through it, and proceed to be missing for about 4 sessions.

Had this one guy who played for one session. He was a bard that did nothing but throw rocks or punch people. Died almost instantly to the BBEG. Now every quest his body is raised from the dead or melded with other creatures to fight us. Only he uses the same tactics and dies easily.

"I punch the pope in the face!" (Also, as a wider extension, old priests who speak jive.)

The napalm mace, a weapon that, despite being unenchanted, keeps ending up on fire somehow.

"I wrap it in my shirt and hit someone with it."

"Your snake flexes. Roll intimidate."

rolled 86 + 47 = 133

The SWORD OF DONG

Which was the result of a seriously random "lol" game of D20 modern run by a friend of mine. Ever since, the Sword of Dong has made the occasional appearance here and there. "DONG" refers to the sound it makes when it is struck. It goes DOOOOONNNNGGGGG

tjo, vet att du lurkar :p
"help! wolves!"

We played a non-d&d game and both us players rolled... think commoner class in D&D.
We encountered wolves and quickly climbed a tree each and started yelling for help. Shit was so epic.

This also led to yelling "GROINWOLF!" [and later on replacing WOLF with whatever creature we fought] when we rolled new characters in another group but playing the same adventure, encountered those wolves again and one wolf attempted to bite me in the balls, I caught his snout between my legs, in groin level, and chopped his head off.

Our tough guardsmen swooning at even the threat of danger.

One of our players has the worst luck imaginable. In the last game we did he charged his horse through some woods and after some hideously unlucky rolls was knocked unconcious by a branch. Later he was knocked out in the first round of the tournament. In one of our call of cthulu games the character he was with fell down the stairs and accidentally shot him in the crotch.

rolled 58 + 47 = 105

>>8634677

>"I punch the pope in the face!"

I know where this comes from. It comes from a tale on the WoTC forums, from before they caught AIDS and fail:
Originally Posted by Cardinal_Boz, on the Wizards of the Coast D&D forums:
Pancho: Father! Priest! You there!
Priest: Greetings, my son. May the gods smile on you today.
Pancho: My friend has been affected with a horrible curse. Remove it!
Priest: Hmm. This looks to be beyond my abilities.
Pancho: What do you mean? Just cast Remove Curse, or Heal. Or something.
Priest: Why, those spells are only granted to the mightiest of clerics. I am but a humble acolyte.
Pancho: You can't cast a simple 6th level spell? Are you kidding me?
Priest: 'Sixth level'...? I... I misunderstand, I think.
Pancho: Come on. Can you even make undead?
Priest: Make undead?! Why, I never--!
Pancho: Come on. Cure me. Cure my HP big shot. Show me your spells, pal. Come on.
*Priest casts Cure Minor Wounds.
Pancho: 1 HP. Cure Minor Wounds. I punch the priest.
DM: You punch the priest!?
Pancho: Yeah. I got a 15, plus... alright. Do I hit him?
DM: Uh. Yes.
Pancho: Ok. 5 damage.
DM: 5 damage. You slam your fist into the PRIEST OF HUMILITY AND PEACE'S face, cracking his nose and causing a huge black welt over his eye. He crumples onto a nearby pew with a choked groan.
Pancho: Oops. I throw 50 gp on him, to show no hard feelings.
DM: Alright. As you pelt the unconscious priest with your chunks of metal, you hear the stifled sobs of orphans and farmer's wives from the doorstep.
Pancho: Hrmn. I'm not Chaotic Good anymore, am I...?
DM: No. No you're not.

>>8634591
holy shit, is /tg/ dying or something? couldn't post for like 15 minutes or something right in the middle of story time

So Bard 2 says he simply wants an enchanted lyre that helps him with his perform checks, and is glammered to look like whatever he wants and has ghost sound so it can play sounds that aren't really what you'd expect from a lyre. I was like, ok sounds cool.
Wizard says he wants some simple wondrous items since we don't really have a rogue, he wanted to be kinda sneaky and have things that would allow him to make distractions and stuff, so small little sticks that would do different things, like ghost sound, dancing lights, color spray, light, prestidigitation. When he got them back he painted some white, and some black to help differentiate so he wouldn't forget which was which because he had like 30 of them.
Warrior wanted 3 shields of different sizes for different situations all enchanted with thundering, I house rule you can put elemental weapon enchants on shields so you can do the d6 of said element on a shield bash. He wanted them done with thundering, I let him have them so he got his large shield, small shield, and buckler all similarily enchanted. I was like ok, whatever.
Finally Bard 1 says he wants a rod of gust of wind, but he wants it to be not max level, he wants to be able to adjust it like wiht a perform check for different levels of wind. I decided that he could do worse things to me with that money so I let it fly.

reposted so less wall of texty

>>8634684
also this gets better when you are fighting your noble dark elf BBEG Drowheim von Evildude and go "I attempt to catch his head between my legs and chop his head off!" and roll a 20.

Rolling 3s on d20s usually earns screams and "DAMMIT ARLAN."

YOU MUST DO X. THE MATH COMMANDS AS SUCH.

rolled 5 + 47 = 52

>>8634677

>The napalm mace, a weapon that, despite being unenchanted, keeps ending up on fire somehow.

EXCELLENT

>>8634645
There's nothing wrong with making humorous allusions. However, the key to humour is fast, snappy timing, and that sentence is WAY too long. I don't know about you, but if someone took that long to make a shitty joke near me, it would be physically painful.
Also, the metaphor is tortuous and silly. The whole thing just stinks of amateur ren-faire attempts at 'old timey' speech.

>>8634740
I too thought it was ridiculously long. maybe something shorter such as this.

If the king would just keep his sword sheathed, I wouldn't be looking after the little warrior now

in every town our party goes, someone would randomly start singing about us and our quest like some sort of phantom minstrel following us.

"How's Mr. Squeaks?"

Early in the campaign, our Half-Orc Barbarian found a mouse that he particularly liked, and named it Mr. Squeaks. Every now and again, he'll ask the DM how the mouse is doing. He is currently on his sixth mouse, because they keep dying off. Thus, the DM came to a rule where any critical hit on our Barbarian has a 50/50 chance of also killing Mr. Squeaks.

The only other one involves the "20 square Shaman." A guy in our group was a Shaman and -always- stood 20 squares away and only used his spirit companion. Through that, he wasn't able to do any of his proper buffs or special powers. He has since left the group, but we're sure to keep the Shaman "within 20 squares."

The best way to clear out an Ogre compound is to go door to door and knocking on it, saying "Burlap salesman!" As the two melee classes stand on either side of the door to decapitate the stupid ogre who sticks his head out.

>>8634740
God, you are such a loser.

>>8634695

That is entirely awesome, but in fact not where it stems from.

There was encounter with a seemingly kindly old priest who was in fact going to turn us in to the evil government. We had, earlier, been immensely amused by Kate Beaton comics, so one player pointed out that she was picturing the guy as Beaton's Pope John Paul the 2nd.

Our paladin was subsequently told that his service to Pelor was pretty wack, yo. Then there was punching.

My party always makes sub-teams and then denies entry to other players. First it was the League of Fighters, and we denied the rogue and wizard from joining. Currently it's the Action Team, led by Action Slade.

>>8634697
So on with adventure, I tell them that the party is located in a desert city that has been attacked by a vicious desert orc tribe that has been seen camping out near the base of a plateau, kinda hard to miss because there is a massive canvas tarpola on huge struts set out from the cliff wall so that the orcs don't sit in direct sunlight all day, in preparation for their night raids.
The party decides that they'll go investigate, as it gets dark so they can see the big shots organizing the night raids and make a plan to take them out.
Anyway, the party picks up their stuff, buys a couple mundane bits of equpiment like some 10 foot poles, rope, adventure stuff. Then heads out, they get to the place easily visible by the large number of campfires at dusk. The party all drinks potions of invisibility and silence after casting rary's telepathic bond, and they sneak into the camp, they make their way to what appears to be a banquet platform, not used for that night yet and decide to setup there in order to ambush the obviously important orcs who would dine above everyone else. The warrior takes up position closest to the cliff wall at the back, and sets out his shields, and pulls out his nunchucks (he took the proficiency) and waits. The wizard pulls out his little sticks and uses 2 dowele rods to connect them together so he can easily hit multiple sticks at the same time or in rapid succession in specific patterns.
Bard 1 whips out his lyre and gets ready to play some music, and this is where it all clicked.
Bard 2 pulled out his rod of gust of wind, having finally come up with a command word for it. Puts the rod near his mouth leans back so the other end is looking out over the camp and shouts, "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" gets a perform check with a nat 20 in the upper 40s, as the warrior begins to beat his shields, the wizard plays his keyboard, and Bard 1 lets out a riff from The Who's "Who Are You".

>>8634799
I decided that based on the perform check, and bonuses from synchronzied singing/playing and clever setup that the music was so awesome and the gust of wind so powerful, it litterally blew the minds of half the orcs there, the other half got blown away in hurricane force winds while the wizard played a dazzling light show, and the warrior stunned/deafened any orcs that rushed the stage with blasts from his shields/drums.

We joke about throwing a grenade whenever we enter a new room. We once entered a ziggurat in rogue trader and one of us threw a grenade and awakened all the necrons. We barely survived.

One good thing came out of that game, though, and that was the half-orc barbarian, who just one day picked up a rock and started talking to it, and from that point declared he was a wizard, as taught by the rock, and took to wearing robes and wizard hats while casting spells like "blind" (kicking dirt), "telekinesis" (throwing his sword) and "fireball" (throwing his sword harder).

rolled 26, 11, 12, 19, 18, 30, 15, 15, 23, 22, 9, 23, 25, 9, 25, 5, 3, 6, 30, 14, 28, 5, 4, 14, 23 + 33 = 447

>>8634791

>Our paladin was subsequently told that his service to Pelor was pretty wack, yo. Then there was punching.

MARVELOUS

>>8634808
Ok, weird party, look at the names Bard 1 Rogeren De'tree, Bard 2 Pietro de Town-fin, Warrior Kiefer Moonfallen, and the Wizard Johnathan Entcaller

it became clear then what their names were,
Bard 1 Roger Daltrey, Bard 2 Pete Townshend, Warrior Keith Moon, and the Wizard John Entwistle.

All I could do was applaud them and eat the delicious pizza they bought me for dinner as they went around performing songs across the planes.

Honest Abes Used Car Lot.
McRagin

>>8634871
dude, that's messed up.

you were promised boneless wings and all you got was pizza

>>8634820
Our group has something similar.
I'm a dwarf barbarian cleric, and my friend is a rogue/fighter. He's always talking about alchemist fires.

Picture Charlie and Frank from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and you got it.

"I..I uh think maybe we should throw some alchemist fire at it! You know...like a..uh controlled burn..."

"I got a guy for that, let me go see him."

>>8634871
I applaud your group

>>8634871
saved for fuckin' posterity

>>8634677

More:

"I roll to detect dicking around."

Doppleganger metrosexuals.

"DROWN THEM IN MUESELI"

"Give the halflings a goddamn cheeseburger."

Pelor the giant buzzkill.

>>8634799

Doho, that's delightful. You've got a great player base.

There will always be, regardless of time period, setting or system, a pair of comically ill-fortuned goons. Their names shall always be Botch and Fumble.

>>8634871

Goddamn magnificent.

The eledrin ranger in our group will forever be known as Orsic the Retard.

our rouge was hiding in the tree to potentially ambush the guardsman that was blocking the bridge we needed to cross. Orsic, genius that he is, literally said this: "Me and my friend need to cross." we flipped out, because he was supposed to be alone and we were all hiding.

another recurring joke is when both rangers decided that because acrobatics was their skill they could wall run and then jump off and kick and stab people. now my paladin attemps to also do that in every fight resulting in much lulz

>>8634975
one of my usual players, you know who you are, just called me and said way to go faggot, got the wrong song, the actual song is "Don't Get Fooled Again." ...close enough.

"You see a flying red phoenix in the air"
"Is it small?"
"It looks small, it's a kilometer up in the air"
"So yea, I take out my bow"

"A sage doesn't want to come with you to heal your party member"
*to the bard* "How can we take him with us?"
"I think violence isn't right for him"
"I take out my fists and start punching the sage in the woods, we've wasted too much time"
*roll 15*

"You kill the spiders and one is severely cut up"
"I open my portable hole and I put my bodies in"
*the good cleric looks at me in disgust*

>>8635038
It's called "Won't Get Fooled Again", actually.

"Let's play a game... It's called, "TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH!"
and,
"I'll recommend him for a posthumous German war medal."

The first is the beginning of any interrogation we begin, and the latter is the response to the the death of any innocent bystander that may or may not have been purposefully used as a human shield.

"I'm terribly interested in genitals, you see."

>>8634991
Those are really good bumbling minion names.

>>8634871
Awesome. Not sure how you didn't see it coming earlier, but awesome.

I was playing a Necromancer in a 4e game and The class had a summoned skeleton at-will power. Well In one session I dressed him up in clothes and had him walk up to this guard, the wizard used Ghost sound to have the following conversation. I made a Bluff roll for this and rolled like a 14, so a 21 or something with mods.

Wizard: Hello, I'm an undead monstrosity
Guard: What do you mean?
Wizard: I am a skeleton dressed up as a man, but make no mistake I am undead.
*Dm make the wizard roll a bluff check(At this point we're level one and he's got a bluff of like +19 so I was sure he was going to pass, but he rolls a one)*
Guard: But you're talking, never heard of no Undead who could talk. Now go on through before I have to get mean, you're blockin' the road.

The plan went well despite the wizard's attempts at intervention.

>>8635045
Sounds like the party...
*shades*
...aren't part of My Generation.

>>8635101
Where did you get rules for a necromancer class? Homebrewed them?

>>8635229
It was this crappy homebrew I found on the wizards forum. By the 5th session I switched to a Warden with refluffing to be a "Bone Warden" Which was way better.

I have an Eladrin Avenger in my party who's primary goal in playing seems to be to use as many puns as possible each session, in character. One that stands out particularly in my mind is "Your ooze is cooked!", which he yelled as his sword missed an orche jelly by a wide margin.

One person in my group said: "If you walk without rhythm, you won't attract the wyrm."

As a running gag, after some fuckawesome roleplaying we no longer refer to Call of Cthulu or Delta Green by their original names. Instead we simply say
"Buddy Cop Comedy Show"

Other running gags include

(Non necceseraly with the same group)

FIRE MISSILE 3!!

"That's a friendly, that's a friendly, that's a window."

"Today on Overhauling"

Not allowed to chant "wakka wakka wakka" when moving hivefleet.

Not allowed to play high speed dirt by megadeth duiring dogfights

"Screw it hand me my wrench"

Not allowed to have a construct assistant named, "screw it"

"In the words of Tenacious D "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

"So, wait, our party is essentiually David Hayter as Solid Snake, as Judge Dredd, Jessica Alba with cyber implants, and Vanilla Ice?"

"Yep"

Oh and each and every CSI and Police force member, regardless of setting, being fucking uselesss, unless they are a pc.

>>8635261
I like this version better: Worms are attracted to rythmless patterns, entire continent becomes perpetual dance number. ROLL A DANCE CHECK.

Regardless the game, there is always a tavern or bar called "The Strutting Cock"

Hurf and Durf.

The Kobold gods of Fuck you.

If you speak their names three times, they come and steal either your most recent drop, or if you haven't gotten anything recently, everything you own.

we have 2, always kill the ships cook, and clerics never survive past the first day.

it not that we don't try and protect our cleric, its just they ALWAYS end up dieing

>>8635285
21. Bees get organized


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Shouting: GUYS, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG, then shooting an arrow at anything that stands before us. Be it a widow, a children, dogs, kings.

This usually happens after someone casts detect evil tho.

Let's see...

"Yes" is the best gag ever. Whenever you roll low enough at our DH game, basically, if you succeed by a LOT, you say, YES.

That means 3+ degrees of Success.

"I stealth" is another one, stemming from someone at rank 3 having an 80 whenever he stealths his character.

"Dual Wielding Shotguns" is another great one, though I'm sure the DM is pissed that we managed a Dark Heresy character that could do that reliably. Seriously, no penalties to any shots, and just unloads both at point blank. Ridiculous.

Finally, we have the best gag of all.

"Mechatitilation Mechano-boobs" coming from my Shadowrun Campaign. A character with a mechanical torso with weapons implanted in her breasts. Mono-whips to be precise. I swear, it was the stupidest thing ever, but I just couldn't stop laughing long enough to say NO.

>>8635438
killer tit tassles...

>>8635456

The first time she used them in combat, she cut off some-guy's head with a called shot head and a serious amount of luck. God, it was like that scene from Leprechaun 3 or whatever that the guy shoved his head between two lawnmower blades thinking they were some woman's breasts.

I bought the WotC papercraft sets a long time ago, back when they were $1 on Amazon rather than $50 like they are now. If you can download them, they're very good.

One building has the silouette of a man dancing in revelry. One arm is raised up and holding a mug.

One evening while playing, my sister pointed out that the man was probably beating his wife.

We bring this up every time we have that house out and it still hasn't gotten old.

Once I played in this irc game ebberon setting. I played a Kalashtar Avenger of..It was the religion that humans mainly worship. Anyway, He was insane and he was a merc/Relgious Zealot

He was protecting a noble at a party and we were rping so I began to sing out loud with "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." Well when Combat happened I started freaking out then I cry while screaming "THEY STOLE MY COCONUTS!" I ended up killing everything in 2 rounds before the others could even get there. To this day they make jokes about how they better not steal my coconuts.

I'm gona have to drain the snake

>>8634595
>>8634562
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zng5kRle4FA

One time we were walking through a forest at night. The dm tries to make an atmosphere.
"The road seems to be glowing in the moonlight. Shadows of trees lie on your path and you keep seeing strange movements and hear rustles from the bushes, only to find out it's the wind. Or so you keep telling yourselves. You hear owls hooting and ravens crowing-"
And then I raise my hand and say: "Ravens are daytime birds."
"But they are creepy and suitable..."
"They sleep at night."
"YOU DON'T CORRECT THE DM, DAMMIT"

After that it was a running gag to mention ravens everytime the dm gets immersed in his storytelling and makes some mistake. It happens pretty often. We're dicks, I know. But then he threats us with negative exp and we all laugh like at the end of an episode of some sitcom.

NPC: "I'll kill you!"
PC: "Over my dead body!"

>>8635516
It's players like you who cause DM's to run pure hack and slash games. That, or make them kill you off as fast as they can.

>>8635253
>>8635261
These are my kind of players.

>>8635594

Nahh. It's more complicated than that. He tries to pose as a "ima scary dm feel my wrath of negative exp threats bla bla" and other players are too chickenshit to burst his bubble once in a while. If I don't do it, the game soon turns into a dm's-dick-sucking fest.

The coldblooded, straightforward strong guy in our group has a deep hatred of cats. Whenever we stop at a tavern, he goes out in the night and color the streets red with cat corpses.

Trains. Motherfucking trains.

Explanation required: Once upon a time, in the beginning of the current century, IIRC, we had a 2nd ed game with Wild Magic in it. The Wild effects got somewhat houseruled. I don't remember the specifics, but our party's wild made had a wild surge (in a fight with a major badboy and his merry band of orc-statted homebrew monsters) and had to roll d100. He rolled 00, and then another one. Yes, that's two 100s in a row. As we got over the "No fucking way" and picking jaws off the floor, the DM decided that with such shitkicking luck, the wild mage has summoned a train from another dimension that runs over the main badboy and a good chunk of his followers. the rest of the mooks turned and ran.

The train kept making reappearances in different games for like 6 years or so.

>>8635883
DOOMTRAIN

Attempting to (and usually succeeding at) selling the Bard - who is a PC - as a whore/prostitute, even if the player doesn't want that to happen.

In a sci-fi game, having the group leader's (semi-military group) expensive-ass armor bet trashed in every fight, ending with him having to get a new set every time. (First fight his enviornmental seals on his suit failed due to corrosive bio-weapon. Second fight he got it broken by a Genestealer.) Luckily, through RP rewards he's able to get it replaced for free.

Having one particular player epically screwing over another PC, or even his own PC. I've got some gaming stories related to this one if people are interested.

Having a PC become the McGuffin (literally) through a bad roll they had.

MEANWHILE IN THE TAVERN

One game had a player left while his halfling was having a terrible diarrheic attack in the tavern (WHFRP). So he stayed there shitting his intestines out forever.

Even in different games, the GM shouts randomly MEANWHILE IN THE TAVERN and roleplays the shitting halfling.

Leaning tower of C'tan.

A big history of it falling over and breaking someone elses model.

The cave is in the wolf

Goddamn my verbal snafus

The only running gag in my group that comes to mind, is that whenever we encounter a major villain, my cleric will ask if they're hiring. This game has been going for a year now, and I've asked two of the four villains, the other two I haven't met yet (because they were sealed/sleeping).
Incidentally, the party is currently in the employ of a lich. Aside from our token evil char and my neutral char, the party is good across the board.
I just find that amusing.

>>8635954

That is awesome.

"In the Far Realm, you can rape intransitively!"

This came from our DM explaining his cosmology while excited and drunk, and continued for two years, until we actually got to the far realm and raped.

superhero campaign. the internet nerd sharing his body with a lich tends to steal the show, being very powerful, creative, and easily bored

"KAOS!!!" is screamed almost every battle. He has vast magical power, but they take time to wield. he also has "chaos instigation," where he rolls a bunch of d20s and i consult a giant list of random things that can happen to that target, from "instant death," "they're the president now," and "turn them into an intelligent bear"

he also made a bag of holding, and so has robbed nearly every place he goes, from gear to corpses to make into flesh golems and the like. he's very amoral for a hero...

Saying, "Speaking of cruelty," leaving the room and getting a cupcake.

>>8635883

Wow, that must've been a hard fight. The enemies sound like they were well trained.

>>8635954
>>8635883

This shit, right here, is what makes D&D worth it.

>>8636064
DOH HO HO

>>8636064

*sunglasses*

>>8636097

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>>8636064
Well the players thought they could...
And thought they could...
And thought they could...
And it actually happened!

>>8636036
"Jim gets his wand out, starts knocking shit over into the bag of holding. Classic Acquisitions Incorporated smash and grab,"

not a particular gag, but I always feel obligated as the DM to make something hilarious happen at a 1 or a 20.

A door which whispers "get the fuck out" at you.
Everybody that DM's in our group has at least one of those in the game.

>>8635883

Bard-Rogue duo use Glibness and Alter Self to swindle people out of astounding amounts of money

Kobolds having vaginae.

>>8636368
and a player having to either screw a very very old female kobold, or have the entire kobold group pissed off and trying to kill the party.

At every town we go to we MUST do some sort of unconventional skill check to make money.

Plan A for us is to get the manacles, knock someone unconscious with saps, and have them wake up in a zone of truth.

The quaddis approach:
Any entry strategy involving driving (or flying) something trough the front door.
First used to great effect when assaulting someplace or other(i have forgotten) on the planet quaddis.

Another group:

The is always a man named billy bob at every tavern/bar/dive in creation.
Billy bob is a BIG person, broad as he's tall, not to bright. Good for hiding behind.

Without fail, all Small-size PCs get eaten by a monster within 3 sessions of their creation.

Usually something reptilian.

Critical misses being the works of in-game deities, and hints of demi-godhood.

One of our 4th Ed. games found us with three worshippers of Kord, and one Paladin of Bahamut. While the paladin kept getting spiritual hints on how to survive from the DM, Kord decided that we were a bunch of pussies for not letting axes become buried in our faces. After a while we decided that Bane had no friends except for Kord, and all they did together was cause their worshippers to fail at the most spectacular times while getting drunk and making prank phone calls to Tiamat.

In another game of our DM's design any critical miss causes a random bad thing to happen above and beyond missing/failing (natural 20's granting something good). However, my character can reroll 1's the first time, but must take the second result. I rolled another natural 1. After rolling a d6 and getting 5, my character fell down, broke his leg, knocked himself unconscious, summoned a horde of zombies, and changed the weather. Now instead of a slightly paranoid retired postman, he's basically Fumbles Thor-Son. He is also now my first character in every new game.

DORF SENSES... TINGLING.

god I miss 1st edition, I need to get into another game of it sometime

>>8635954
my hero campaign had Al Chemy, an alchemist who could basically make a nuke out of soda and toilet water, openly impossibly chemist.

he had to step out for a sesion, so i had him taking a leak behind a garbage can. every few rounds, he shouted "I'M STILL PEEING!!"

went on about 5 times, when he was blocks away. "Where is all this pee coming from?!" he sent a letter at one point. the next day, he said he was done playing, so i had the party get the newspaper and read that he died of a urinary infection

>>8635883
I remember a story about a party being stuck in a very long train.
They were in the front, and the back of the train got struck by lightning.
One of the players asked: "So how long do we have until we get fried?"
To which another responded: "Don't worry guys. All that matters is how good a conductor he is."

>>8636438

critical misses are lame as heck guy!!!

"You know what this smells like? BULLSHIT AND DEMONS! THAT'S WHAT!"

"Don't be stupi-"

"BULLSHIT AND DEMONS!"

We were all inveterate powergamers, and used to give shit to people who wanted to play non-humans in 3.5 All of our characters tended to be racist against elves, even when there was no good justification for it.

"Humans are the Master Race" was generally bandied about quite a bit. Racism is funny.

One game, one of our more...eccentric friends decided to make a gag character. He spent his starting money on a few jugs of oil, a wagon, and chickens. A chicken costs a few coppers. There's 100 coppers to the gold piece. He got a LOT of chickens.

His battle plan was to grab a chicken out of his chicken-stuffed wagon, douse it in oil, light it on fire, and hurl it towards the enemy. While this was frighteningly effective while it lasted, he died due to essentially being useless without a giant wagon of flaming chickens.

So, his next character, he bought a wagon, oil, a slingshot and MICE. Thousands and thousands of mice. Just as, if not more, effective.

He went on his own for a little while when the party split up, and when he came back, he was missing the wagon. The first words out of his mouth are still repeated in my group.

"Okay, guys, don't panic but...I LOST THE MICE."

Cue bandits rolling a flaming wagon full of thousands of burning mice down a hill at us.

I LOST THE MICE is now shorthand for I FUCKED UP.

THAT ISN'T HOW YOU EAT APPLES, TERRANCE

The backstory for this is the epitome of tl;dr. It featured zombies, though.

>>8636880

It was unbelievably difficult not to spit out my drink while reading that one.

Not sure if this qualifies, but my character rolled a craft check to improvise a shovel-type device, rolled a natural 20, and had a shitload of magical bonuses applied to it.

DM ruled I created an aluminum chicken that opened a 10x10x10 hole whereever it was thrown to the ground.

I played a barbarian, everyone else was more skills or magic oriented. In a tough situation, I always picked them up and used them as protection. ( I had a really high strength score )

"um, I dont know... Dragons! Fifty of them!"

also the orc talking about his tusks, when he found out about were-boars, he needed to remove the entire clan from existence so that he didnt feel small any more.

Our usual DM's first homebrew setting (of four, the other three being possible futures of the first) has had almost every campaign set at about the same time, during the destruction of the "wretched hive of scum and villainy"-type city that we usually start in or near. We are usually involved somehow in said destruction.

One bar in that city, and a few other bars we've visited, are run by the avatar of the god of earth (said avatar being a dwarf) who is known for having an awesome axe and a copper piece that generates a platinum piece when tossed from hand to hand. That copper piece is almost ALWAYS the object of one of our early dungeon crawls.

Throwing shot glasses into walls to emphasize points made. Or to punctuate a sentence.

That wasn't part of the DEAL! *SMASH*

This will happen whether or not shot glasses are present or if hard liquor is even invented yet.

First dungeon we fought two hobgoblins. The players killed one and knocked the other one unconscious. They finished the dungeon and their first random encounter was the hob they downed earlier. They kill all of his friends, and he runs into the forest, but not before an arrow knocks him to 0 hp

Later, in the second dungeon, the big bad had the hobgoblin working as a guy digging stuff for him. We knocked him unconscious again, and sent him to jail

Awhile later, the party was chasing down an artifact that manipulated time because there were some odd time distortions. They find the artifact and its the hobgoblin again. This time we had an earth elemental in the party that was about to beat him to death, but the hobgoblin activated the artifact one last time and got sucked into a time vortex.

Now I just need to figure out what I should do with him now.

>>8637061
He'll return at some point.
Obviously, he's the true BBEG, and has spent X-number of years in the time vortex, training to take on the PCs. They shall rue the day, they chose to become a plague on his life!
Cue epic level hobgoblin encounter.

>>8637200
Cue the PCs being idiots and letting him live, and then him coming back as an evil god.

So, I have a mage character with five points in destiny; 90% of the time, he just kicks exponential amounts of ass. His bane is banishers.

However, in one particular instance we had an encounter with a matter/life mage; she rolled to turn his clothes into fucking BEES. The other characters pursue, he rolls around on the ground furiously.

The running joke is that his bane is banishers and BEEEEEES

>>8637061

He actually turns out to be the ancestor of all hobgoblins, creating a paradox. However, if they kill him, they wipe out all hobgoblins, since they derive from him.

The furry (shifter, D&D 4e) being relegated to the "bitch" role of the group. Recent examples:

Being set on fire.
Thrown across a rickety bridge.
Have to fight two kobolds single-handedly.

>>8637502
...Since when has two kobolds ever been a problem, for any character above 1st level? And even at 1st level, any character with above a d6 hitdie should be fine.

>>8637583
Speaking of which, I should probably bump them up to level 2 since they managed to kill a young black dragon and his cronies.

>>8634191

My cleric is the who never misses, the dude who steps it up when shit looks bad, never goes down, and pulls ridiculous stunts in combat to terrify our enemies, but ALWAYS roll 1-4 on initiative.

I RP it as "Oh...more enemies. I barely noticed."

how old does it look?
The building looks heavily fornicated (I meant to say fortified)
I also have a player who likes to make me answer stupid questions. An example: "yes, there is a limit to the number of turtles you can carry. why would you even ask that?"

>>8634273
Robert, really? That's a stupid fucking name for a bouncer.

GM: "You come to an intersection."
ALL: "EEEENGH!"

GM: "Okay, fine. Rolling on the random table.... And out of the dark, you hear a tremulous, pained voice. He calls out, "Hello, is anyone there?" He has a chain sword mounted on his arm, and carries a shotgun.
ALL: "...It's Ash, again, isn't it?"
GM: "Yes."
Techpriest: "I pull out my assault rifle."

Techpriest: "You killed Skully (his servo-skull)! You bastards!" *opens fire*

Psyker: "Should I... Should I try using _______?"
GM: YES. Do it. It'll help. As long as you roll a nine, everything will be fine."

GM: *holds up schematic of room*
ALL: "What the fuck is that? Is that a table?" "Fuck no, not another table!"

>>8637719
That's actually...pretty much the point.

He also always has a speech impediment. As in, he speaks perfectly clear (and grammatically correct) English.

>>8637805

in our post apocalyptic d20 modern campaign
our gags are:
'is it kelly?'
whenever we encounter a bar maid, one player asks if it is kelly the one armed, one eyed, 3 breasted mutant ,gravel voiced, bar wench/prostitute. named after an ex GF. funny as hell to be there.

also Admiral Ackbar pops out 'its a trap'

We have one from our Cleric
He had to do a one man dungeon crawl at one point through a trapped dungeon, GM rolls randomly for traps.
Every. Last. Fucking. One. Was a pit fall trap. Or involved a pit fall trap.
On the doors? Pit falls.
In the corridors, pit falls.
At the end, after he killed a dragon, under its horde was a magic pit fall that only opened when a humanoid walked over it.
Our Cleric is usually a very calm sort, but when he exited, we were all curious as to how he had been changed by the experience and so forth.
He walks out, in his new armour.
'So, how was it'
"...*Deep breath in* MOTHER FUCKING PIT FALL TRAPS!!!!!!"

>>8634191
Someone kicks in the door, for absolutely any reason.

>>8638087
I love when people at the fucking bottom of fucking threads quote the OP.

We have a dragonborn paladin searching for his father. When we first come to an area, roll perception checks and shiz, he always asks if he can see a dragon. Doesnt sound that funny, but it makes us chuckle.

Best part is, this one time WE DID SEE A DRAGON LOLOL!

"Shoot the troll"
In Shadowrun, the group tends to shoot their troll as a diversion.

In a DH game, the guy playing a close combat-oriented Arbites had his power sword inscribed with the first five words of the Lorem Ipsum placeholder text ("Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet") because he was under the false impression that the whole piece of text a) was actual Latin b) meant something cool-esque. It wasn't until the 3rd session that another player (the scribe, ironically) called shenanigans when the words on the blade came up in a conversation.

Now, every passage of actual Latin (and there are a lot of those, the game being DH) includes the words "lorem ipsum" somewhere. The zealot psyker is forced to say "Imperator Dominus lorem ipsum" all the time.

MUSTARD!

and something called the Pelvis Panther

>>8638127

Yeah, playing a Troll in Shadowrun is basically saying "please shoot me". Most troll players build their characters with the expectation that they are the primary bullet magnet.

>>8638135

haha awesome

DM(me): the wall in front of you shifts, you hear some whispers emanating from that direction. You see what seems to be evershifting writhing faces in the wall trying to scream, what do you do?
Palius: I try to take a shit on the wall.
DM: Take a dexterity check
-He fails-
DM: You shit on your shoes, you smell, and noone likes you now.
(For the rest of the game the other players stayed at least 2 squares away from Palius because he smells.)

another game, same people:
DM: You are here to kill an evil druid who has created a maze of carnivorous plants that are killing the townsfolk.
Big McLargeHuge the Punchman of Lightning: HEY! WE ARE LIKE THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH PEOPLE!
GRAAAAURGH(palius, but a bugbear): we are the ELITE GARDEN SPECIAL FORCES COPS GROUP!!!
mclarge:YEAH!!!
DM: my god....

Fihrbarhs, "Oh shit a Terrasque!", and "Do you have any Grecian porno?"

That undead minion you just obliterated was probably your father. You'll never know now. Well done.

Horatio'ing. One liners with dramatic actions attached.

"I play my TRAP CARD" its 4e...

"The musty smell of mildew, is strong in the air." The dm will accuse us of planting that in his brain whenever we go into caves or decrepit ruins as it becomes the only description he can think of.

Bunny-cow... Tigers leap combo with the jump spell equals me flying a fuck huge distance and everyone laughing at the mental image.

Whenever a new player joins our group, we have a drinking contest. Or when we find exotic booze. Or if we have a big win against the reoccurring bbeg... Sometimes just for fun.

a character i played for worlds largest dungeon is now a recurring character that the dm puts into every D&D game, he's a grimlock who wants desperately to be a dwarf so much so that he usess chalks to color his skin, has a beard made out of yarn and had those googly eyes attached to springs surgically attached to his face, he doesn't really know much about dwarven culture, so when asked about where he's from he tends to answer "I'm a Dwarf......from Dwarfland" he also talks incessently about ale and gold. Due to the fact that he has no eyes and therefore barely understands the concept of color, the chalk he usess on his skin is not always flesh colored, and sometimes the yarn of his bear is a bit too purple to work. Of course no one noticess this as he is in full mechanus plate almost 24/7, and because the mechanus plate was made for grimlocks the helmat lacks eyeslots and the thought never occured to him to put them in. so he spends all his time walking around with a constant clinking sound as his googly eyes keep bouncing and hitting his helmet.
PIC FUCKING RELATED

>>8636258
I want more of those podcasts.

>>8638536
fuckin genius

Not D&D related but still

Me: "Okay all he needs is a [number]"
*Player rolls and gets [number]-1*
*Player stares at me like I killed his family*

Nearly every time this happens

Owls. My DM fucking loves owls, and as a result we fucking hate them.
When he feels like being a dick they keep us awake at night, they attack us, they haunt us.
Owlbears doubly so.

Fucking Owls.

we were playing shadow run, i was playing some kind of shooting guy, i also had a stick grenade down each boot.

we were in a fiire fight and my leg got shot off..

i pulled the pin out of the grenade then threw my whole leg into an adjoining room.. my friend provided the line

'GET A KICK OUT OF THIS!'

as the room exploded

Playing "Ram It Down" by Judas Priest at the beginning of most boss battles. Or just singing it. Really, just singing the opening scream over and over.

My wizard is the worst infiltrator in the group, and always the first to volunteer to infiltrate. At various times there have been bounties on our heads, etc., so my wizard is usually in drag when he does this. It got so prevalent that a dragon actually stuck a belt on him at one point that changed his sex, just as he'd been about to hook up (and the hot doppelganger he'd been about to hook up with was NOT into girls).

Our rogue gets thrown in jail once every few sessions. Every jail is meant to be inescapable. He's escaped them all. At this point, he now goes looking for excuses to get jailed, and the DM has quit trying to make up new jails. He's also got a bluff so high, he once convinced guards he's one of them by quoting a complete bullshit guard serial number that included the Batman symbol.

Since my wizard's Diplomacy is so high, we have a running joke that if he can't convince an NPC with Bluff, he'll bluff my wizard, who will then roll Diplomacy because he believes the lie is truth.

DM: Peering down the alleyway you see two men, standing on eachother's shoulders.

*silence at the table for a moment*

Player: ...oh fuck we're up against Cirque du Soleil! Run for your life!

My party was sick of playing low powered games, which I really like, as a DM, so I had them roll up characters at 16th level. They were all familiar with the rules, they had just never played at a level that high before. One was a werebear cleric, a human fighter with insane AC, a ranger, a wizard, and one player was a rogue assassin. The assassin (we liked evil games)was named Roland Hawkes, and the player voiced him in a very gravelly tone. He had an enormous Sleight of Hand check, (3.5) and they were in a castle. A snooty servant named Jacobs was attending to them, and he was pissing off Roland Hawkes. It was already sort of a joke, with his voice and throwing knives. Then Roland asked me if Jacobs had any visible jewlery or visible valuables. I decided he had a nice golden ring on.
"Hey, thats a nice ring you got there!" Roland Hawkes blurts out in his grating voice. Jacobs rattles on about family heirlooms, and Roland Hawkes makes a Sleight of Hand check, rolling a nat 20, getting something like 54. I rule that he takes the ring, and the Roland holds it up, saying "Yes! A very nice ring here" and rolls a Bluff check. Astoundingly, he rolled a 19, and got over 30 as a result. Even though he was holding the ring up in plain sight, Jacobs didn't notice Roland Hawkes flashing it about and putting it in his pocket.

For 3.5, I once (after some heated days of watching nothing but Slayers and being an unoriginal douche) decided to make a 14 year old Sorcerer, who's life's dream was to find the Ring of Infinite Fireballs.

I of course asked my DM for this. In response, at the end of an adventure when I had done some great deed, he says that I find a tiny box on the BBEG with "Broken Dreams" written on it. I open it, and find a ring with an emblem of a little flame on it, with what looks like some kind of rat or weasel wrapped around it.

(continued)

>>8634253
How would you even roll up Angron in DH or D&D? and is this Pre or Post Heresy?

>>8639187
I didn't find excuse to use this ring until the next adventure. In the middle of a stealth mission (go Invisible, walk into the enemy camp, find their exploding barrels for their siege weapons, and blow them up) I am standing perfectly still after having failed a Move Silently, while a barbarian sniffs the air around me.

He suddenly runs off, and thinking I'm scott free, I blow up the munitions, and turn around to find some weird undead wizard walking towards me. He waves his hand in my direction, and POOF, my Invisibility gets Dispelled and there I am standing, looking like an idiot, in front of half the enemy army.

I immediately laugh in a very Lina Inverse fashion and proclaim that they 'Don't know who they're messing with", pulling my gloves off and pointing my Ring at them.

DM: "So you pull out your Ring of Infinite Firevoles and start using it, right?"
Me: "No, Fireballs."
DM: *grin*
Me: "Oh motherfuck."
DM: "As you twist the ring, tiny flaming rodents start pourind out of it on to the ground, squeeling and twitching in their final moments, dead within seconds of being summoned into this world."
Me: "Ring of... wait.. box of... that was my box of broken dreams wasn't it?"

Ever since the tragic but VERY sudden death of Feshik the Red, every time someone asks for some unreasonably powerful or cheap item, we make sure to put it in the Box of Broken Dreams, and remind them of the Ring of Infinite Firevoles.

Turning Owls Purple.

Owls saying Ferret and Ferrets saying Hoot. This one was done by our Imp party member originally, and has caught on whenever anyone else turns into an owl or ferret.

Gambling Rabbits.

Hmm... what else do we have...

Mechani-corn
'nuff said.

A robot that pokes you to wake you up and say "Please be getting up now"

DM: okay its now your turn
Dorath: where Am I
DM: Out side the town with your horse
Dorath: mmmm I will rape it
DM: Oh god...... well you know if some one finds out that you raped that poor horse you are going to be in big trouble.
Dorath: Fine.......... I bury the horse
DM: ALIVE
Dorath: yes for later.

DM: Ok so you are sneaking through your castle alone.
Cecil: I listen at the door to my throne
DM: You hear Orc voices in a dialect you don't understand
Cecil: I kick the door in and nuke the fuckers
DM: there are three orcs a leader his lietenent and a cleric.
Cecil: Fine I nuke the Cleric with a surprise attack with my poisoned hand crossbow... I need eight D 6's and another D4
DM: You(searches for the encounter)... Nuked the cleric.
Cecil: damn right I did. Now with my 45 movement speed I run the hell out of there.

All pc dwarves have Mexican names.

All pc gnomes are evil.

There's always a cleric of Pelor with shit stats named marty who always has something horrible happen to him. Was dressed up in a cow carcas as dragonbait for example.

My first character was an Earth Genasi ranger who carried a light hammer as a back up weapon. I figured a light hammer was just a more compact version of a large warhammer. (confusing warhammer with a maul) In our second encounter, the party's other ranger shot and wounded one of the enemies, and I ran up and finished him off with the light hammer (even though he was for all intents and purposes about to bleed out). My group still hasn't let me live this one down, so I've rolled with it. I've since upgraded to a great-axe and ditched the light hammer, but all of my intimidate checks start out with "If you think this axe will hurt you, you should see what I can do with a light hammer!"

>>8640780
>1:cleric. 2: dressed up in a cow carcas as dragonbait.

Enjoy of the other party members.

Biff the understudy. 'Nuff said

>>8640780
does he insist that his name is morte as in the word 'Death' in Spanish(no idea how to type an accented 'e')?

My friends and I usually play GURPS because we like jumping around through different genres, but one thing remains consistant throughout all our games: Dai Blackthorne (the example character for player creation) must die!

Some of the more memorable ways we've killed him are: drowning, explosions (we've blown him up in quite a few spectacular ways), meat shield, tortured, burning death, rotting death, spaced, guine pig for cryo chamber, sacrificed to deamon, trampled, run over, defenstration, impaled on a fence, and my personal favorite was when my buddy shoved a pipe into his eye that Dai had just passed to him so we could steal his ship.

>>8641146
WHAT

ARE YOU ME?

Every single game of GURPS I run, it's the same thing. Dai Blackthorn is automatically target #1. Always. I fucking hate him, oh god, I hate him.

We play in a dark room with candles, therefore screaming at certain players to stop "candle-fucking" has become a staple.

>>8641184
God Damn! That's the exact reason we have to kill that little shit every time we run across him. None of us can stand that sawed-off asswipe either. Every time he shows up, we're already planning how he's going down.

>>8640780

...Mike? Is that you?

We ALWAYS go to the tavern before anything else, no matter what the mission priority is. This gets rather amusing in the medieval russia game we're in currently.

"You arrive in *difficult to pronounce village*."
"We go to the tavern."
"There is no tavern."
"WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN TOWN IS THIS?"

We shout this every time, and get the same shrug.

Also, the Notingo; based off of Hand Banana the rape dog from Aqua Teen. One of our players is TERRIFIED of it, so it shows up in every setting.

No matter what, one of the players will mention how 20 foot tall wizards are the most powerful force in the universe. No matter the setting. I finally stopped it for a short time by positing a 21 foot tall wizard.

>>8642107

20 ft tall wizard goddamn rocked and you know it. All other wizards were small time.

>>8642196
If you like I can make you THINK you're in a game where 20 foot tall wizards are everywhere. It will appear, to you, as though everyone is 20 feet tall, and you are not a wizard. This is not my problem.

>>8642247

Then I will play a Priest who worships 20 ft tall wizards, for what other proof does one need?

>>8642286
That's gonna send the game into some weird fetish territory and I am not dealing with that. If I buckle on this next I'll be putting in werecats or some shit just to stave off whatever future gimmick you latch on to.

"does champ sense anything?"
<rolls d20>
"yes. the dog says.....wof."

Torches are a limited use weapon, not meant for illuminating areas

>>8642337

20 Ft Tall Wizards are not a fetish, merely the natural evolution of spell casters with Enlarge. Also, I think you're focusing too much on that ONE aspect of his character, as if it dwarfed everything else.

"you kill a kobold in the underdark, you each get 1 million experience and all the abillities of all the creatures that could concievably exist in the underdark
also terrasque
you guys win D&D"

RIGHT THERE CAN'T YOU SEE WHERE I'M POINTING?!

(This is a running gag because I have no webcam and play with a group via webcam.)

Warhammer Fantasy 2.0

We were stuck in a barn after some...unfortunate happenings within a castle, we were in that space between the keep and the outer wall, only issue between us and high tailing it out of there were the hundreds of beastmen outside waiting to show us some good ole' chaos hospitality.

Within the barn were our horses, us, and a poor guard named...well I can't remember. As we spoke to him we told him out plan to escape was to open the door and book it with our horses, and that he could come, immediately my friend tells him he's with him, and the following exchange goes thusly.

"Alright Brian we're getting out of here!" "My name's no-" "Your name is BRIAN it's a king's name, the name of a champion! Are you ready to get the fuck out of here!? We're going to live the lives of lords!" "Ya know what? Yea! Lets go Yea!"

We proceeded thusly to ride out into the suddenly interested bands of beastmen when my friend yells "HELLO WARRIORS OF CHAOS, MEET BRIAN!"
And threw him off the horse. Through his valiant sacrifice we escaped *tear*.

So from this point forward we call anyone whom we deem will soon die, or should soon be used in such a way Brian. But only people who aren't important.

-anything happens-
"Because Nicol Bolas!"

Dying was merely a setback
Getting blown to pieces was merely a setback...

-Something that would otherwise stop LASTBOSS from continuing to pummel us out of existence- was merely a setback...

Same LASTBOSS every time.. no matter how we kill him

also: his name is LASTBOSS... hes an insane psychopathy because his parents named him LASTBOSS
and he wants to kill US because we ... well we dont know...

"Gold-in-a-bag-no-jutsu!"

Our twin battlecries:

"WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN??"

and

"NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!!"

FIRE

PCs setting each other ablaze

Suffering severe burn scars

The party has many tools at their disposal but FIRE is the one most frequently employed

Rubber ducks.

If any of you are familiar with that "By the Omnissiah, this is incredible!" tech priest picture.

That basically happened in one of our sessions. The duck has been kept with the party ever since, even long after the tech priest died.

>>8644064
weeaboo

>>8644145
Gotta love them Tech Priest...

>>8644149
Yep. A whole board of 'em!

CoC we did a one shot where at the end we all survived but we were all very mentally ill and our stomachs had been removed, but we could put them back in. we decided to start playing freely with a homebrew campaign and those 4 characters showed up to greet us with the only words of advice they knew "Don't let them take your stomach." These words of wisdom have never left our characters lips, with us even giving the advice to the NPCs.

>>8644142
Alchemists Fire

Fire Ball

Fire Orb

Burning Hands

Eternal burning torch

Elixer of Dragons Breath

Flaming Rage

Summon Fire Elemental

Flaming Arrows

Molotov Cocktails

Wall of Fire

Meteor Swarm

The PCs find a magic item...
I roll to randomly determine what it is...
Magic Longsword...
roll to determine magical attribute...
Flaming burst....
...
Pic related, it's what you see as the party is drawing near

DH:
"We tie the cleric to the end of a rope and dangle him out there and go fishing for 'nids."
"Let's skip all of this combat stuff. We crash our vehicle threw the cult temple's gate."

D&D:
"Well [HereticalGM] has died again. This character only didn't even last till the end of the session. Since this is his 3rd character we get to pick the race/class for him. Congrats buddy your a gnome bard."

Our rogue opening conversations with other stealthy characters with the following, "Look, I'm a rogue type, you're a rogue type..."

D&D:

My bard: "I'm Duncan ma'am. Professional fiddler. Part time <enemy> exterminator."

Me: "ROD OF ROOO-"
DM: "Prison escape. No items. NO ROD OF FUCKING ROPES."
Me: "...ooooooopes..."

Kobold factotum: "My kobold will stop being xenophobic when you lazy shits prove him wrong!"

Kobold again: "PANWOK NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR HORRIFYING HUMAN XENOPHILIA."
DM: "She's not hitting on you!"

SWSE:

Shalo: "I kick down the door."
DM:"This is Star Wars."
Shalo: "I kick down the motherfucking door."
DM: "KNOW WHAT? FINE. YOU KICK DOWN THE ONLY WOODEN DOOR IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING GALAXY."

Shalo: "Is there a tree nearby? Can we drop a tree on them? That always works*."

Me: "Alright, Shalo's plan is-"
Everyone Else: "NO WE ARE NOT DOING SHALO'S PLAN. IT INVOLVES A TREE, DOESN'T IT?"

Jedi consular PC: "Shalo the only reason you haven't fallen is because you're a moron."

*IT ALWAYS WORKS!

Tagging our enemies' bases/homes with disguised versions of our names whenever we go bust shit up. The half-ogre's name is GOG, which is always makes sure to write backward so they won't figure out who he is.

>>8644376

Shalo go to bed.

Also fuck your trees.

>>8644427

Operation: Jedi Lumberjack has never failed.

Not once.

A reoccurring BBEG that looked like Rutger Hauer was in the very first RPG we played back in highs school. His dieing word were, "In this world, or another, I will have my revenge."
No mater what game we play these days there is a moment where someone who "looks a lot like Rutger Hauer" is seen from a distance and is gone before anyone can get to him.
((One day he WILL have his revenge.))

>>8644415

Was playing with a black guy. He was playing a half-giant or a goliath or some shit.

We're walking into town, and we see this armored procession of guards walking through the streets. He runs up and pounds his chest and screams LOOK HOW BIG I AM. They were a little disturbed, but he kept saying it until they acknowledged how big he was. Then he pulled out his dick and started saying it again.

We were high and it was the funniest shit ever. Someone manages to say it every session now.

One of my retarded friends called a rapier a "raypay", comes up every single time the weapon does.

In our Cyberpunk 2.0.2.0. campaign, our GM had one little rule; if your character uses a sub-machinegun on Full Auto Fire, you had to yell as if you were in an action movie.

One session, our corp was in some bumfuck South American rainforest, hired by Azmodeas to take out some drug pushers that had gotten on their bad side. Our Solos had dropped a few white phosphorous grenades into their compund. When they came out, my Nomad and a few other characters blasted them.

Naturally, I opted to go Full Auto. I stood up. I cleared my throat. I had a sip of water. I quieted any gigglers with a wave of my hand.

When I yelled, it was a yell of fury, of passion incarnate! Warriors past, and warriors yet to be lent their blood to me! Mine was a battle cry, make no mistake!

So yeah, we're not allowed to do that anymore.

>>8644142

Fire is always the PCs' best friend. It's the one thing that most horrors, monsters and supernatural creatures are vulnerable to.

Tumble Rogue.
Pantomiming.
THAT GODDAMN WALRUS
Gay Illithids
Getting lost in a desert, inevitably getting seperated, and then finding out our party's perma-drunk bard to have made it to wherever we were heading long before any of us.

Player falls into lava and DM gives the wrong dice roll for damage.
Player: "Man this lava is mildly irritating. I'm pretty sure if I stay here any longer I might be in trouble"
DM: "Whoops wrong roll" (Corrects the roll)
Player: "OH DEAR GOD MY LEGS!"

Hand signals between silent party members, doesn't matter what the members actually see, the hand signals are always, "I see two minotaurs, you stupid Jew."

>>8644149

FRIDAY PASSES UNEVENTFULLY

"I won't sell you any pitch, you have perfectly good night vision"

"So, do we get to X yet?"
<Whilst rolling on the random encounter table>
"Who can say, or dare to dream..."

The halfling rogue's riding dog is a dire corgi and deserves class levels. We've played three sessions in this campaign, of which the halfling's player has been to one and the corgi has participated in two. First encounter is with a minotaur who snuck up on us while we slept. Two rounds of combat and two almost dead characters later, the corgi rips out the minotaurs fucking throat.
Up until reaching a temple, the corgi continued to have every kill in the campaign. While searching a temple for the McGuffin, a horde of skeletons attacks and the little son of a bitch passes every reflex save. By the end of combat the corgi has eight kills to his name and the half orc barbarian nine. Everyone else (party of 7) has a grand total of 4.
CONTINUED

>>8645274

Next session the halfling player is gone, so the DM plays him. Nothing for him to do other than pick locks, but he gets hit by poison darts after failing a check. The DM rules that Sir Nimbles grabs his master's lock picks and makes a check. Rolls a 3 and fumbles the picks, but dammit he tried. Roguery failing us, the barbarian and fighter wail on the door until it breaks. With the rogue out and a long and probably trapped hall ahead of us, we turn to our substitute rogue. It's at this point that the fighter decides the time is right to give Sir Nimbles shrooms, just to be able to tell the missing player he did. The dog trips out, runs in a circle several times and shoots down the corridor. Turns out we were right, there were several bursts of flame as the corgi blasted down the corridor. After the third burst we hear a loud THUMP and run after it, the fighter thinking he had killed the corgi by accident. Turns out Sir Nimbles just hit his head on the next door and been knocked cold. The player and his (dire?) corgi have been out for recovery since then.

>>8645313
... what fucking edition is this?

HAWKS.
My dwarf druid (who loved rocks) went to get a dire hawk form, and I ruled it as getting the form required to kill the animal and eat it's heart. So he used his massive survival to find a dire hawk.
The combat was brutal. I tried a call lightning, rolled 3 1's and it got a reflex. If it wasn't for Junglerazor i'd have been thrashed, but in the end the hawk got two crits from a full attack and my druid went down.
One guy joined our party and played a sorcerer fae of some sort and ended up getting smashed by the same dire hawk. Now, Dire hawks are our main antagonist as they've all been possessed by an ancient eldritch spirit.

In short, hawks are fucking EVIL in our game and we do anything to beat the shit out of them. We found the ruler of an elf kingdom also has a hawk familiar, and we saw that evil glint in it's eyes.

Pick that lock.... (trapped, fails check) *BLAM* COMMISAR HOLT FUCK YEAH!

In Eon, a skill based system where you get a chance to "level up" a skill at the end of the game/evening/campaign etc, if you've successfully used it during the course of the same. Our "that guy" basically tried to use any skill appliable at the same time, so it could go like this: "I sing (singing) a tune while roasting and seasoning the wild pig (cooking), and I watch for thieves (watching in the "spotting" sense) when I'm at it.".

This eventually led to the rest of the group attempting to use ten or more skills simultaneusly, or at least in rapid succession, just to "cash in on the skill dot". The same guy also spawned the never-too-old gag "But I can cook too!", which basically is another testament to his failed munchkinism.

GM: You definitely want to do that?
Player: Not anymore.
GM: What? Why not?
Player: Grey is smiling.
GM: He's not even GMing this session!
Player: Doesn't matter. He always grins like that right before someone ends up with locusts in their intestines or some shit.

And what will we do with the bodies?
DOWN THE MANHOLE.

The dwarf sized hole.

Kad Watershwitz, Jewnasi Rabbi

Called critical failures being sound strategy for the Sorcerer.

>>8645352
3.5, why?

>>8637651
Our DM made a similar slipup once - the walls of the temple were "lined with brassieres"rather than braziers.

DM frequently referrs to his PC by the name of his WoW character, since it's based off it.

>>8645757
>his WoW character
WTF?!

Tubular Wolf.

It is based upon Werewolf the Forsaken. There is a ritual that allows you to merge objects into your body when you shapeshift instead of them breaking or falling down.
Aaand this was about a guy with a recoilless rifle which would make a wolf with a hole mouth-to-ass.
The game luckily doesn't work that way.

He got a spiritual successor in JetBat, which would be the same, but a bat.

For a long time we had a druid warforged that would spank any female NPC we came across that acted even a little bit hostile to us. An amazing grapple check and a wooden staff later, they'd be friendly, and before long goddamned neared fanatic to help us just to not get spanked by the 9 foot tall old bastard tree man.

being the newest member of our RPG group, i find it necessary to walk into every trap possible, seemingly not on purpose.

Everyone thinks im a complete dumbass but really im loling on the inside.

My Halfling Bard is hated by ALL animals (panthers, giant hermitcrabs, etc etc)

He ALWAYS seems to get incredibly fucked up if not incapacitated by them whenever they are involved in a fight.

Vampire Lord Hero is the Final Boss

eating steak in front of the minotaur

>>8638098
Thanks.

Holy shit this is >>8639272

Who resurrected the thread? I was asleep for 10 hours

Giant undead constructs. One of our DMs is notorious for running campaigns based around fighting these three types.

We bought food wort of 5 gold, and paid with 1000g, we wanted change, but GM just blankstares us for like two minunutes.
"It was 1000 cold coins."
*blankstare*
We start eating
"Dat *much* dat weally was 1000 goldw"
*blankstare*

Touhou jokes. Lots and lots of touhou jokes.

A Bebilith appearing and politely asking if he could eat the party barbarian. He refuses and the sad Bebilith leaves.

Brett Favre is an Immortal Elf. And in 2070, he's still talking about whether or not he's going to retire.

One word: Killer hobos.

"Okay you old fuck, give us your money or you're DEAD."
"Wrong son..."

Few rolls, group dead.

The killer hobo strikes.

If you meta-game, Boba Fett shows up and kicks you in the balls.

All magic words are INUCKCHUCK (Harvey Birdman episode with Apache Chief)

Can anybody remember Giant Dire Bear Vampire?

Shit just got real

Twenty kilo teabag, essentially a newer player attempted to coup an orc by tea bagging him.
One natural twenty later and the orcs head had been smashed into a fine paste.

"We're here for the merch!"