Hammer of Arztakrinoth
Attracts all nails in a 5 mile radius.

Deck of Mundane things.

Dildo of Vaginal Bruising.

Your mouth
Attracts all dicks in a 5 mile radius.

Moleman's footpads of Water Breathing.

Umbrella that has a raincloud magically bound inside. When you open it, it rains on you. There's even little lightning and thunder strikes- too small to hurt, just for effect.

Inferno violin
Sets the user ablaze

Ring of fairies - shrinks the wearer to the size of a fairy when in contact.

When they shrink, they are no longer in contact. Cue growing back to normal size, then coming back into contact with the ring and shrinking again.

*VWOOP*
*vwoop*
HELP
*VWOOP*
ME!
*vwoop*

Staff of Nomenclature
Causes the wielder to see, in big bright flaming letters, the category of everything they see (i.e. furniture, demon, aberration)

Melf's Acid Bow.

>>9475405
that's pretty cool.

switchklave. I mean, what's the point of a switchblade made of orichalcum, anyway?

>>9475435
It just melts, doesn't it?

Ring of Fabio - you are irresistible to women, weak to geese

>>9475451

That, or it's a real bitch to use. Im still debating which is funnier.

>>9475504
Why not both?

Sole-Eater Blade
Destroys footwear

GIANT WHALE CANNON: A heavy repeating crossbow that damages like a ballista, stylized with images of whales. The problem: While holding it the only thing you can say is "GIANT WHALE CANNON," and you are compelled to say it just before firing, making it impossible to sneak up and shoot something.

Not necessarily bizarre, but cursed artifacts that do EXACTLY what their name says is always ripe for comedy.
i.e. wand of disintegration (saved by a player of mine waiting for a good use, only to have it turn to ash in his hands).

>>9475513
An eternally melting bow that is hazardous to even touch? Sounds like the most useful magical bow ever!

Hammer of hammering

those who get hit by the heavy maul becomes intoxicated.

The weapon may be lethal to creatures with low constitution scores and can be made into a flaming weapon by lighting it on fire.

>>9475606
Maybe it has a 1d10 chance of melting when fired, and 1d6 chance of doing 1d4 acid damage every round when held.

>>9475602

Not to be confused with the GIANT WHALE LAUNCHER, which is basically a giant canon which fires live whales.

Ring of Acid Breath
Makes your breath smell like your worst morning breath as long as it is worn.

Hand of holding.

Its a disembodied hand that you can stick to surfaces, that holds any object you can hold in a single hand.

Its cursed to either drop and or crush any object it holds, utterly destroying it. The curse takes effect once per year.

>>9475232
DRAWFAG GET ON THIS.
Just the thought of a bard going "Oh what a finely made vio- OH GOOOODDD"

>>9475631

also relevant is the nail of nailing. The player gets the wrong idea, attempts to use on member of opposite, and BOOM. Target is covered in painful, rusty nails.

Tankard of Soberness: Gets you drunk, but takes thrice as long to get there. Also, no hangover.

Enchanted bag of Dicks
Once per day, you can pull the penis of a random small, medium, or large-sized creature out of the bag.

>>9475755
Looks identical to bag of tricks

>>9475232
But does it stop the user from playing?
Or maybe magically compels them to KEEP playing?

The Bolt Thrower.
A crossbow that fires bolts of the lightning variety.
Rather than simply coming out of the crossbow itself, the empty crossbow is simply a director for an ACTUAL lightning bolt. Extremely weak in bright weather, much more deadly in stormy weather.
Obviously unusable in a dungeon, and would severely fuck up a town it's used within.

The Tarasque is just misunderstood.

Dagger of Tsundering
Wielders of this masterwork dagger must act tsundere towards all party members and friendly npcs or be rendered unable to hold this dagger.

>>9475855
I.. I don't WANT to share the loot, but you look so pathetic in that rusty shit.

>>9475855
I like this one. I like it very much.

>>9475078
The ever polymorpher.

an object that every 1d4 hours changes into one of 100 things ranging from a dead fist to a broadsword.

Ring of Blinking

Gives wielder +4 modifier to win staring contests.

Wand of gibbons - spawns an immortal gibbon with adamantium claws that proceeds to destroy everything in front of it. Forever. Will circle the globe. The only way to stop the gibbon is to get in front of it and fire the wand of gibbons again - two gibbons cancel each other out and vanish. The wand cannot be recharged, and for extra amusement, has an odd number of charges.

The Yellow Fiddle
A seemingly normal fiddle that, when played, grants a +20 bonus to all perform skills.
When played, all creatures within a 5d20 radius are compelled to dance, stopping for nothing, not even broken bones, cramps, or even death itself.
Every dead creature at the end of the performance grants the fiddle player a year of life for every level of the creature divided by two, round up.

Mask of the Great Mother
Viewers will see the wearer of this mask as an oddly sized and shaped version of their own mother (as if the viewer's mother were scaled to the wearers exact height and width)

Rock of the Ages - This ordinary rock is from the dawn of time itself! No matter what, the rock cannot be crushed, melted, or otherwise changed from it's current shape and form.

Heavy Metal - Any item crafted from this chrome slab weighs approximately 500 metric tons.

Alternative - This worn golden coin has the power to change the outcome of a mundane event, given an either/or option.

>switchklave. I mean, what's the point of a switchblade made of orichalcum, anyway?

DANCE-FIGHTING AGAINST ABYSSAL GREASERS, OBVIOUSLY.

Metaview Goggles

Allows you to view the 4th wall.

A red tuba that, when blown into, makes someone shit themselves.

>>9475855
Look it's not like I can use this anyways you idiot just take it.

>>9475953
THE IMMORTAL BARD.

The Wand of Torment.

Summons a succubus with every desire to drain the user dry without those nasty level drains or dragging to the abyss clauses.

Unfortunately, the user must sacrifice at least one body part for each use. A finger will do, a toe, an ear.

>>9475078
based on OP's image

Scenic hat.

It's a gaudy hat with red stripes and blue ring when not worn will contain an extradimentional space with yellow parchment filled with scenarios. when the note is read, it will teleport the party into a location, time, and situation that the note describes. Only way for to return is to fulfuill the scene until a buzzing sound is heard. Then the party is teleported back to their original location in time and space.

>>9475953
5d20 what radius?

Assassin's Bugle
A bugle that, when played, will fire an enchanted crossbow bolt of the player's choosing at one target within 100 feet.
When used, the player must succeed on a -10 perform check or be assaulted by every creature and NPC within 3d20 feet.

>>9476047
KILOMETERS

Potion of Sage

Upon imbibing this flask of green liquid, the subject gains the temporary status of mental slipperiness. People have a difficult time remembering that he/she is there, often resulting in them being accidentally left behind, or relegated to an infuriating, ignored background noise to all those around him. People surounding him must succeed in a DC 20 concentration check every five rounds to resist being affected.

>>9476047
Feet, sorry, I'm tired

An eraser that acts as a normal eraser would on paper, but can erase holes through any other material.

Bag of whoring
Pull random whore from bag 2/day.

A pair of pants that make you randomly kick something every 1d6 hours.

>>9476118
Angron's pantaloons

A bag of holding that always releases an immovable rod every 1d4 hours. The rod is fixed on a particular point in space relative to the planet's revolution around the sun, and not the rotation.

The rod is completely indestructable.

Boots of Ogre Stealth

BEE BOMB
Coats everything in a 20' radius in sweet smelling pollen and honey. Attracts every creature within 200' that even remotely likes honey.

Armor of Amore
Anyone wearing this armor is easily seduced, when they remove their armor to have sex they realize they've been seduced, if they put it on again, they hop right back in bed before they realize what happened.

The Catspaw:
An enchanted dagger that both makes you incredibly allergic to cats and causes you to develop a paranoid fear of them.

Viewfinder of displacement

Looks like a camera, when seen through and a button is held everything that was captured in the view is moved to the next location the camera's viewfinder is locked onto when the button is released. This could potentially decapitate someone if you try to do a mugshot.

Is it just me, or do the wizards who make this shit really hate rogues?

Phantom Hourglass:
An hourglass that is incorporeal, making it difficult to turn over after its hour is up.

>>9476170
So would they get jumped on by elves?

Flask of Invisibility
This flask pours out liquid invisibility, the enchantment is so strong that you can't even feel the liquid, it is the ultimate invisibility, can't be seen, tasted or touched.
When poured on something what ever it's poured on becomes invisible till dried. It does dry rather quick though.
Figuring out what it is is the hard part, because anything you pour into instantly dissappears.

>>9476033
I would include this in any of my games.

>>9476192
Belt of Ninjas. Quadruples critical strikes and doubles speed, but every creature or person within 10 miles knows your exact location.

>>9476205
Ocarina of time: when a successful perform check is done it will tell you what year month day and hour it is.

Vial of Vials
Pouring out the clear liquid inside the vial, or breaking the Vial, results in the creation of another Vial of Vials. Pouring out the liquid causes the original vial to disintegrate.

Amulet of Beard Control. Allows beard to hold and manipulate items weighing 5 lbs or less. 20 lbs for dwarves.

Link to the Past:
A piece of a chain that, when touched, sends you backwards in time 1d6 hours.

>>9476174
Should do something more along the lines of "Anyone who can see the wearer of the armor must make a will save or else instantly fall in love with the wearer. The effect ends when the armor is removed."

Goblet of Fire:
A regular-looking goblet that will pour out molten lead no matter what you put into it.

Ring of Bees
When equipped, the wearer attracts all bees within a 2d100 kilometer radius. If more than 60,000 bees are attracted (at a rate of 1,000 per kilometer), the user must make a Fort save to avoid suffocation.

Box full of aardvarks...

Creates one aardvark every three hours.

Messenger Pigeon Scrambling Scroll: Confuses all messenger pigeons within a five mile radius to make them think you are the message recipient.

>>9476244

The One Ring:
When worn, the wearer magnetically attracts all jewelry in a 2d20 foot radius.

>>9476256
An extra attack from my beard holding MY AXE? I'm fucking game.

Slab of the Sages
This chart shows a bevy of mundane information that you didn't want to know. The chart changes every hour.

Ingscoc's Crown

"A simple metal head band with a single black gem on the forehead. The band is dwarven made and the gem was cut by elves. It was given to Ingsoc as a gift for his aid in battling against one of the Elder Evils."

When worn by a Good or Neutral aligned Clerics who channel Positive energy this crown allows them to convert spells into Inflict as well as Cure spells. This does not allow them to do anything else associated with channeling Negative energy, such as Rebuke Undead instead of Turn Undead.

When the crown is worn by a Paladin the critical range on any Smite Evil attack is doubled and their Detect Evil ability becomes a Free Action.

>>9476315
Now that's fucking cool. It'd be bad ass for a rogue in a jewelry store.

Trousers of Grooming:
When worn, the wearer has perfectly-groomed hair. Facial, pubic, ect. Removing the trousers causes hair to suddenly and uncontrollable sprout out of the former wearer's body.

>>9476332

Doubleplusgood!

>>9476244
That would be cool with puzzles.

"There is a long cylindrical tube below you about 12 feet in length. At the bottom of the tube is seems to be a pressure switch. At the top of the tube is a metal grate, so nothing can be thrown down it."

Gotta pour the vial down the tube to get another vial to form, thus triggering the switch.

Robe of Jinjitsu.

You get a cumulative +1 on all rolls for each enemies that outnumber you.

Heart of the Cards:
A necklace of ancient origins that grants a +20 luck bonus in any game or competition. Usable once per day.

>>9476353
And of course, if the vial breaks for some reason, another one will form. GENIUS!

Box of Hiding:
A large glass box that when placed over the head or body renders you invisible to all enemies at least 10 feet away from you. Any closer, and they can see through the box.

>>9476388
Good for Alchemists.

>>9476376
does it also lower your voice and make you inexplicably taller too?

Apis Plate

Upon donning this average looking suit of half-plate, the wearer is COVERED IN BEES as per the rules on page 793 of Beekepers of Ebberon.

Sock's of comfortable dryness.
These socks will keep you dry, effectively you're immune to any spell or affect that deals with water/ice/steam, or any liquid/substance that could soak you.
Just don't go swimming, the field of repulsion would prevent the water from touching you and thus supporting you causing you to fall immediately to the sea floor.

>>9476406
Nah, just gives you MUCH more hair.

>>9476394


!

An ancient pair of socks crafted by the most divine woolworkers in all the land. When worn, they are incredibly comfortable and soft to the point that you can move almost completely silently.

Actually made this one when we wanted to cause some havoc in a capitol city.

vial of troll-
a vial that contains enough troll that when it is broken the troll swiftly regenerates and starts to attack the nearest living thing to it.

we made 2866 of the things, I spent all the money I had on vials, it caused the city to go down in flames overnight.

>>9476406
DC will check 25 or be possessed when used. It's an intelligent item with an ego of 15

Howling Mask
This dire-appearing mask whines incessantly in a shrill little girl's mask about every remotely mild mistake the wearer has ever made. The mask cannot be removed except someone critically failing a roll within eye, or ear-shot of the wearer, wherein the mask passes to the one who failed, displacing any other mask or facial wear to the ground next to the new victim.

>>9476441
Vial of troll:
When thrown upon the ground, the vial of troll causes the user to laugh uncontrollably as everyone in a 1d12 mile radius becomes incredibly angry for no reason.
They will act with anger towards the user, also.

>>9476418
lol splatbooks

Gloves of Cheech.
Can turn any plant it touches into marijuana.

Potion of Jackie Chan
Quaffing this potion makes you immortal when in wielding furniture and gives you +5 to attack rolls with improvised weapons. All attacks become nonlethal, duration limited to one fight scene.

Undergarments of Innocence:
Wearing these cursed briefs/panties gives you the appearance of being eight years old.

Sword of Reversal
A longsword that rolls 1d8 to attack and does 1d20 damage.

Golden Triangle
This magical golden triangle grants it's user a permanent +10 boost to either STR, WIS, or CHA before disappearing into the top of their hand in the form of a three-triangled tattoo.

>>9476477
Splatbook.

a blank book that can be written as normal, When the pages are torn, they turn into a gelatinous orb of goo and when thrown. The goo splats into a rectangular form with all the writings intact.

>>9476520
dude use that with true strike and watch the pain go by.

>>9476520
Sword of Reversal:
Heals 1d8 points of damage on target creature while dealing that same amount of damage to a random person within 1d20 feet of the user.

Potion of Unstoppable Fury

Drinking the potion causes the drinker to see every living being as a Kender.

Book of Weaboo Fightan Magic:
Gives the user cat ears, a fox tail, and mastery of masterwork bastard swords when opened.

>>9476562
oh gods why

Rice Krispy
This magical snack causes anyone to become unequivocally happy upon devouring it.

A pair of armoured boots that give the sensation of walking barefoot.

>>9476588
>A pair of armored boots that gives the sensation of walking on cold fruit gelatin.
Fixed it for you.

Cutthroat's Coif:
Gives you the appearance of any target person or creature for 2d10 minutes. The guise is dropped when the user performs an attack.

Player Pin:
User becomes in enamored with other beings of the same type and will hit on them until a successful DC 15 check to turn them down. While wearing this pin the owner's thoughts cannot be read.

>>9476615
O GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE BETWEEN MY TOES AND SHIT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Flame Retardant Suit:
Causes any creatures that are connected to the element of fire to become incredibly stupid upon gazing at the wearer.

Parchment of Person
This magical parchment instantly and persistently writes down, tracks, and shows the exact statistics of the holder. The stats can be directly edited, but doing so can cause extreme physical and mental pain if not done carefully.

(Meaning going from 14 STR to 70 could very well cause your arm(s) to explode.)

Ok can someone archive this thread?

Cape of Batman

Your parents are instantly slain.

The Scalp-scratcher's Hat:
Upon wearing the hat, the user's scalp becomes incredibly itchy. Removing the hat reveals the lining to be composed of spiders.
The user may now command 1d20 spiders for 2d20 rounds of combat.

Parchment of Squiggles
Anyone who attempts to read the odd lettering on this worn leather parchment becomes functionally illiterate for 1d4 hours.

Torc of Ozymandias

This item acts cursed, in that, once worn, the item cannot be removed save by the appropriate magical means. However, most would not seek willingly to remove the Torc, as wearing it grants a feeling of invigoration, clarity, and seeming invincibility and alacrity, manifested as a +5 to every roll they make. Most, however, do not live to bear witness to the more insidious side of the enchantment - the wearer of the Torc is stricken from all written, verbal, or otherwise recorded historical record. Records concerning them will be struck by natural disaster, torn asunder by random beasts, or simply disappear for no apparent reason. Stories told concerning the wearer will suffer extreme degrees of warping as those telling them invariably butcher the details further and further with each retelling, or forget the story altogether. Even the gods must give a few seconds pause to grasp about mentally for the wearers name. Furthermore, the Torc seeks to prematurely curtail the legend of its current bearer, invalidating any abilities such as Cheat Death which allow an adventurer to make a saving roll against a fatal blow.

Ball of Holding

A lightweight, magical ball that can hold any amount of objects on its surface. This property applies to all objects while attached. Any object that comes in contact with the ball aside from the owner of the Ball of Holding will become affixed until removed by the owner.

The potentially increasing size makes it unwieldy to carry, thus forcing the Ball of Holding to be rolled along ahead of the owner.

"daa daaaaa da da da da da dadaa, da daaa dadadada daaaaaaa..."

Pallbearer's Monocle:
Wearing this monocle causes the user to know the exact date and time of their closest friends' and family members' deaths.

>>9476725
Ultimate Cosmic Power but no one will remember you?

What about people you just met?
Or what if you want to buy a house?

Horror Story
A book, that when read, turns into spiders.

The Cerebral Bore:
This enchanted spellbook is filled with useless knowledge, causing the user to gain an aura of being incredibly mundane and boring to the point that they induce sleep in those around them.

>>9476787
People remember you in the short term, but after about a month out of contact with you shit starts getting fuzzy and bonkers.

As for buying stuff, pretty much the same deal. Come back after six months at sea: "Deed? What deed? We don't have you on record here for this house, and frankly I've never seen you before, though you remind me a lot of someone..."

Bear Hands:
These enchanted brass knuckles cause the user to sprout fur and make "bear" puns at every chance they get. This curse, most say, is completely unbearable. However, the knuckles can never be removed, so the user just has to grin and bear it.

The Trip Code:
This ancient tome contains a massive and nigh-undecipherable code. Nobody quite understands what it says or why it exists, but whoever carries it becomes incredibly clumsy.

Book of the Forgetful Wizard
Spellbook of a truly harebrained wizard that is filled with his essence. Continued usage of this spellbook results in the user forgetting to perform basic bodily functions. Usage beyond that causes the user to forget *how* to perform bodily functions, and eventually causes the user to forget to breathe.

>>9476724
"I glanced over it, but it doesn't seem to be in a language I understand."

"Huh. Hand it to the mage, he knows fucking everything."

"Stand aside, plebians. I have mastery of twelve different languages, and 21 for intelliiiHURR HURR HURRR."

>>9476821
That's a little annoying.

The +5 to all rolls is really hot, though.

What if I became king? People would see statues of me and stuff daily.

>>9476864
Has to give something like +20 to saves against your spells though, right?

>>9476865
Hurr derr herp derp.
"Wow, must be some amazing knowledge contained in that scroll! Let's take it to town and get it analyzed by some clerics!"

>>9476910
Yes, the book contains every wizard spell, ever.

The Trap Card:
This average playing card, when carried, causes you to look very much like a member of the opposite sex. It also makes you more aware of any literal traps in the area.

>>9476881
That's why the curse affects the long term- shit like all the coinage with your face printed on it wearing out at an astronomical rate, your statue's name's engraving wearing out and being "repaired" "accidentally" with the name of someone completely different, your vassals and generals in lands which aren't your capital continuously forgetting why they're there or who they're fighting for, heralds and messengers from different countries constantly getting your name wrong or delivering stuff in the name of the former king, etc. etc.

Kinda meant to just accrue annoyance until the PC's realize what's going on and then get to drive the DM crazy by trying to break the rules = 3=;

The Troubled Translator:
When words are viewed through this magic lens, they appear backwards and in a language the user does not understand.

A FUCKING BASILISK COLLAR. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

A bracelet that gives your hand the consistency of jello. Your hand will constantly jiggle and drip bits of jello, which will then return as if through magnetism.

Acrobat's Amulet:
An amulet that gives incredibly high dexterity bonuses, but forces the user to do everything EXTREMELY COOL. No more walking to the fridge, you are now forced to do backflips and handstands and then grab your orange juice with your ass cheecks

>>9476973
Fucking magnet jello hands, how do they work?

A powdered wig that makes you corpulent and gives you a stereotypical British accent, but gives you a +5 to persuasion and boosts your Charisma.

Dali's chalice.
Any liquid drunk from this cup will turn randomly into another compound or element in liquid form at a random temperature.

>>9477005
That... that is a terrible, terrible curse. ;_;

Rapists Gauntlets
Gauntlets used by a famous kidnapper. Bestows upon the wearer +5 to grapple checks against female targets, and the Run feat. If the run feat is already possessed, improve it by 1x (i.e. 5x run becomes 6x run).
In addition, the wearer leaves no evidence at the scene, and is immune to scrying attempts during kidnappings.

>>9477049
Drink water, it turns into molten lead, enjoy.

Bag of Y'Dawgg

A bag of holding withing a bag of holding that lets you store items while you store items

>>9477005
I just pictured that exact scenario in my head.

God damn it.

McSteaks
Perfectly cut, delicious steaks that will always cook to the perfect doneness and instantly relieve any sort of hunger, but causes the eaters to be incredibly clumsy for 1d4 hours.

The Persistence of Memory:
This ethereal, constantly melting clock will always tell you the correct time, but will cause you to forget other major aspects of your own life.

>>9477089

Wisdom.

The Brofist:
This severed hand is eternally curled in a fist. Carrying it gives you a +10 to persuasion checks against male characters, and fortitude bonuses when consuming alcohol.

Adonis' Mirror
Any man who views himself in this mirror becomes incredibly attractive to all who view him, at the price of all of his common sense.

A meat thermometer that instantly cooks any meat it is stuck into perfectly.

Ball of Annoyance

This cursed orb, when picked up, will follow the last person who held it and will continually bounce up and down making hard striking sounds on any hard surface it comes into contact with. The only way to stop it is to get someone else to pick it up mid-bounce and it has a nasty habit of giving away any would be sneaks location due to its noise.

Goofy Mask

This is a rather mundane seeming mask, colorfully decorated and traditionally worn at court by fools in the employment of entertaining the nobility. However, the enchantment upon it is as sinister as it is difficult to detect- all those who suffered any manner of childhood trauma the hands of their parents or guardians, upon viewing someone wearing the mask, will immediately have vivid and devastating images of the assaults conjured up, and will have to succeed in a Will save or be sent into an absolute panic with details filled in at the DM's discretion, likely involving inhuman shrieking and loss of control over basic bodily functions. Being affected strikes the target so very dumb with fear that they are rooted to the spot for an entire three rounds, after which they are required to attempt any means of escape necessary from the proximity of the mask-bearer. The effect ends when the target has spent at least twenty rounds out of visual contact with the mask-bearer.

Auromatic Sage
Casts silence in an area whenever the carrier engages in conversation for longer than 5 minutes.

>>9476823
oh god, what a grizzly fate.

>>9475078
Gloves of the masterwork bastard sword

Any weapon or improvised weapon wielded temporarily transforms into a masterwork bastard sword. This sword is only every a masterwork bastard sword and never carries over any enhancements though buffs still work.

Pro: Every weapon or improvised weapon is a masterwork bastard sword.
Con: It is only ever a masterwork bastard sword.

I was thinking of a full suit that allows you 1/day to summon a masterwork bastard sword.

>>9477238
A beary grizzly fate, inbeed.

A necklace that turns your arms into rubbery bundles of pasta. You can extend them 2d6 feet in any direction, but their delicious buttery smell makes sneaking difficult.

The Jersey Shorecophagus:
A vampire may lay in this cursed tanning bed and not be destroyed by the UV rays. Upon waking up, he will have a BITCHIN' TAN, BRO and +2 STR from his ripped muscles.

Ballistic horn
This seemingly ordinary french horn can, when the user succeeds on a dc 15 perform check, send out a sonic blast, as per the sonic blast in the Expanded Bards of Eberron, page 2207.

Fornicator's Fetish:
This magical totem, when kept on one's person, makes them irresistible to everything within a 1 mile radius. Even rocks and trees will gravitate towards the wearer.

the guardfist--a gauntlet of rolled steel, enchanted to create a weightless great shield if the gauntlet is curled into a fist.

Bastard Sword

A seemingly ordinary sword that does not match the description of a Bastard Sword.

Holding this weapon removes all memory and destroys associated documents pertaining information of the wielder's father.

>>9477290
I like.

The All-Seeing Eye

This is an eye-patch which forces the wearer to see everything through only the eye the patch is worn over. The wearer cannot see out of his other eye(s). Pirates love it.

The AnyBlender
A +5 Large Mithryl Greatsword has enchantments upon it to assist in the production of various soups, stews, and broths.

Norse Army Axe
If the blade of this greataxe is damaged at any point, from that point will sprout another, tinier axe, attached the the blade.

Dwarfsbane...
indestructible oversized scissors.

>>9476973
Ultimate handjob expierence

Real Man's Tankard

While this tankard is immediately noticeable as being quite bad ass since it is fashioned out of scales from a dragon's ball sack stitched together with the cunt hairs of an elven virgin priestess and perpetually with cold fire from being forged in the lair of a long dead god of rock, its true strength comes from its ability to produce an unending supply of delicious ale that is 90% alcohol and 10% minotaur blood.

It is said that whoever possesses this mythical tankard not only experiences only the best parts of being smashed with no hangover, but also sprouts a 5 foot beard and 3 foot penis that emits a musk females from every species finds irresistible. The only downside is that the tankard does nothing to produce extra blood for the newly enlarged member (which causes many easily aroused possessors of it to die from suddenly system shock immediately) nor does it increase the owner's stamina, (which often causes many wielders to be raped to death by trolls and dragons within a month).

>>9477560
Not...sure...if...want...

Witch hat.

Turns user into the Disney image of a witch. Not W.I.T.C.H., but witch.

>>9477560

I don't know if this thing is a curse or not.

>>9477668
Death by snoo-snoo. Take that for what you will.

>>9475137

>>9477668

All is well until some female phase spiders and night hags show up.

>>9477713
Dude, awesome!

>>9477560
Oh man. Fuck the penis, all drunk and no hangover!? Worth it!

>>9477763
that's what the penis does

>>9477713

what happens when you turn the umbrella upsidedown?

>>9477799
Stop dividing by zero! You'll kill us all!

>>9477799

It fills up the umbrella and then overflows.

I would just open the thing in the desert and tie it to a pole to create an oasis with a little tree.

Then capture the dryad that come out of the little tree curious about the surroundings and rape them over and over again.

The Liar's Libram
This ancient dust covered tome with a symbol on the leatherbound cover recognizable to anyone familiar with thieve's cant and other such secret tongues is completely blank except for one line in the middle. Of page 342.
It reads "What were you expecting?". Anyone with this tome in their possession can lie in a zone of truth, and under other such truth defining effects. Additionally the tome doesn't appear to be magical to any form of detection, and will change size if needed. This tome also provides a +7 bonus to mundane bluff checks, a +14 bonus to interesting bluff checks, and a +28 to wild/insane/far fetched bluff checks.
The way this artifact is destroyed is if someone rights an immutable truth in the tome with a quill taken from a donor you have conned into supplying you without aid from the tome.
The tome is partially sentient in that if someone decides to attempt to destroy it, it will make it's presence known, ruin bluff checks, and attempt to slip away by changing size.

>>9477953
thats actually really badass, though I loathe to think of places where very dedicated liar's may have hidden it because of it's size changing attributes.
also, what would a game of poker be like in a zone of truth?

>>9475232

The White Glove Of Reveal

Causes all of the targets armor/clothing to instantly fall off.

>>9478413
also fun to use at random while just walking around a major city. The virgin nuns of the temple need to learn the shave skill

>>9478413
M-M-Michael?! I thought you were dead..

Boots of Empathy
After walking one mile in these boots, the wearer experiences visions of the owner's life from the owner's perspective.

>>9477713
hahaha oh my goodness you drew it.

I am pleased!

Boots of Asskicking
causes wearer to kick himself in the ass at random.

>>9475824

The Locking Bracelet of Sudden Evacuation

if placed on the arm, it locks in place and cannot be easily removed. Causes wearer to shit violently and suddenly without warning. Happens every 24 to 48 hours.

The Almighty Orb of Slaying

It kills anyone who picks it up.

skull of incessant whingeing.

Ring of reverse psychology - When the wearer is affected by any mind control effect, he must complete the exact opposite of what he was told to the best of his abilities.

Elven Booties.
+2 dex bonus, but makes the character skip around like a 10 year old girl.

Crowstick: A magical staff that can either summon a crow as an Animal Messanger, or fire them at high speed, dealing 2D6 very gooey damage.

>>9476540
so if you drew a dick and threw it at someones face what would happen?

>>9478928
The Locking Bracelet of Sudden Evacuation

if placed on the arm, it locks in place and cannot be easily removed. Causes wearer to shit violently and cover everything with shit within 2D20 yards

Wood chair of stalking.

Its a chair that appears wherever the last person who sits in it is and fallows them around.

Coin of infinite head. Its a coin that no matter how many times you flip it, it will always land on heads. (Its not a coin with tho heads)

>>9479582
so what would happen if you rolled a 40?

>>9479582

so is this just 2d20 behind the character? or is he spinning around while shitting?

The Minotaur - sentient steel helmet that will mind control you and use your body to fight crime, doesn't care about you being hurt and grants no superpowers

>>9479721
I Wear this at the same time >>9479136

Now what?

>>9479721

Archived, thanks for the laughs and good night.