fap

then go back to sleep

>Waking up
>Nine in the morning
There is something stange about this.

Eat some MANLY BREAKFAST.

Get up and cook BACON.

Go... back to sleep

check for magic

>>9534746
Good sir I do not believe this is a actual quest.

Sleep until noon, obviously.

This happened to me today!

Well, I wondered what the time was, then went back to sleep. Don't start work at 9 anyway, as that is for chumps.

Sleep then Internet, my good Anon.

Fix one packet of raisin spice Quaker oatmeal.
Clean and polish the sink, bathtub, shower door, refridgerator, toaster oven, microwave, oven, and countertops.
Eat now-cooled oatmeal.

>Alarm clock
This is very wrong. I wake up two hours before my alarm goes off, no matter when it's set. The alarm is my get out of bed time, not my wake up time... most unnerving.
>Digital
Wait a minute! My clock is analogue!

WHERE AM I!?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I REMEMBER IT'S SATURDAY

I WORK SATURDAY 9-2 GOD DAMN IT I'M LATE

>>9534746
Breakfast! Of course. You're a bit hungry, after all. You think you might head downstairs and make some...bacon, maybe? It's not the healthiest thing in the world, but it's alright to be treated from time to time, right?

You slip out of your king-sized bed and stumble down the stairs to the kitchen. The kitchen table is cluttered with letters and such you've been meaning to read--but you can do that later. Right now, food is much more important.

There should be some frozen bacon in the freezer. Alternatively, there should be a packet of oatmeal in the cabinet next to the freezer.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9534868
Remember that THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
So we shall eat to ready ourself so we can fight.

>>9534868
eat the bacon raw and proceed to search fro a lighter or matches so we can burn the letters

>>9534787
I don't even have an alarm clock. Why am I not just coming in from partying all night at this time?

>>9534892
Alright, I concede the oatmeal to the bacon just because I've never done a quest thread before. BRING ON THE BACON!

Its being cooked in the oven dammit. Baked, like it says on the fucking package.

>>9534868
Check for eggs.
Cook bacon, then cook eggs in the bacon grease.

Also, toast some bread. Read letters while eating.

>>9534897
This morning, you feel like bacon. Yeah, that should be easy enough. You open the freezer.

The bacon, unfortunately, is trapped behind a large carton of chocolate ice cream. Damn it, not again--it's always such a pain to pull out, since the carton is just a little big taller than the shelf it's on.

You don't even like chocolate ice cream.

There's some squeezing and grunting involved, but you finally have your bacon, and there's a frying pan in the drawer next to the stove. You put everything in its right place and wait for your meat to cook.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9534981
>eggs cooked in bacon grease
The first time I ever made bacon, I didn't realize you didn't have to grease the pan first, so I threw in some butter and cooked it in that. Then cooked some eggs in the butter/bacon grease.

It was the greatest breakfast of my life.

>There is nothing strange about this.
Now I'm starting to get paranoid

>>9535041
FINALLY REALIZE WE ARE FUCKING FLOATING!

There isn't anything strange about that though.

the pictures lead me to believe we are levitating whilst doing this, so i propose we check for levitation

whether or not I'm levitating right now can wait, I want some fucking bacon.

>>9534697

Panic.

My daughter's been up since ~5:30AM and probably made her morning diaper 0-15 minutes after waking up. It's also sure as hell that my good for nothing wife hasn't heard her crying and taken care of shit (literally). I rush into the nursery room while trying to figure out how I could have slept through the problem.

>>9535137
too late, you already decided to make bacon

>>9535123
And some eggs, with a side of toast.

>There's some squeezing and grunting involved, but you finally have your bacon, and there's a frying pan in the drawer next to the stove. You put everything in its right place and wait for your meat to cook.

Vaguely erotic.

Ah, saturday. I go back to sleep.

When I wake up again, I turn to the laptop I got setup next to my bed and browse /tg/

>>9535166
>Vaguely erotic

so, nothing strange here...

>>9535186
I get the strange feeling this thread is going to turn into bacon porn... I'm not sure I have a problem with that.

I think op left because we figured out about our superpowers to early.

>>9535111
Of course, you aren't levitating. That would be silly!

>>9535123
Soon enough, your bacon is ready, fat and all. You fetch a plate and some utensils from the drawers and sit at the kitchen table to begin your meal.

There is a pile of letters on the kitchen table, still unread. From where you are seated, you can see downstairs, to the first floor--the end of your kitchen is a little alcove, with a railed off view to the room below.

The television set downstairs is still broken. You'll probably have to buy a new one--it doesn't look like the sort of thing you can call a repairman for.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9535302
cook letters in bacon grease, then eat to finish of a wonderful breakfast

Is anyone else vaguely reminded of IncestQuest?

>>9535302
does our stairs have banisters?

>>9535302
Letters?

>>9535302
>kitchen is upstairs
wut?

>>9535302
how is the tv broken, we need more detail

>>9535302
Read the mail. See if we can find a good deal for a new tv.

>>9535378
The stairway downstairs down have a banister. Only one, though--the other side is set against the wall. The stairway upstairs doesn't have any railings at all.

>>9535399
It's a three-story house. The room with the television set is downstairs--you can never remember if they call that the family room or the living room. The kitchen is on the second story, where you are, and the bedroom is upstairs.

There are other rooms besides those three, of course.

>>9535474
The television screen is shattered, or maybe melted. Somewhere between the two. There are scattered bits of plastic on the floor around it where pieces of the frame have broken off.

>>9535389
>>9535487
You check over the mail as you eat your breakfast. A letter from your cousin Bobby, a letter from Idelle, a fashion catalog, and a pizza ad. Nothing too important. Nothing about electronics, either. That would've been convenient, right?

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9535320
let's try
is our mother a boneless squid person?

>>9535571
Your parents live in the next city over. They're perfectly normal folks. You visit from time to time.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

Is perfectly normal defined as boneless squid person?

>>9535606
attempt to be the train
perfectly normally

ok, kick out one of the banister supports rails (the little vertical poles)

pick up shattered glass or plastic from floor of the tv.

now look for string, superglue, or duck tape so we can make a spear

>>9535606
See what bobby has to say.

Quest thread

Who the fuck is Idalle?

You finish the last of your bacon and put your plate and utensils into the sink. You know you ought to put them straight in the dishwasher, but you can do that later.

>>9535619
Of course your mother isn't a boneless squid person. Nobody you know is a boneless squid person! That would be strange. And very silly.

>>9535633
You're not a train, and will never be a train, probably. How would a human being become a train, anyway? That is also very silly.

>>9535661
You kick at one of the support poles for the downstairs stairway banister.

Unfortunately, it is made of metal, so all you get is a stubbed toe.

>>9535720
Idelle is Lucy's mother.

>>9535678
You open the letter from Bobby, your deadbeat cousin. It's just as you expect--starts out normal enough, how are you, how's the parents, how's the family--and then segues awkwardly into a request for some money. You roll your eyes and throw the envelope into the trash.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9535767
damn metal banisters ruining my spear making plans...

is there anything else in the house that looks like it would make a good spear?

>>9535767
Lucy, out childhood friend that we tried to kiss on the train tracks?

>>9535767
Who is lucy and are we friend zoned with her?

>>9535782
Don't be silly. The nearest train tracks are miles to the north--and it isn't likely the state'll build any more anytime soon, not in this economy.

>>9535808
You're pretty sure you don't know anyone named Lucy. At least, not now. Maybe back in college or high school, perhaps...?

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9535875
colletc borken glass and plastic from tv into a bowl, we wouldnt want anyone getting hurt.

also, check for clothing, are we naked at the moment?

>>9535875
no fear, look into the eye of tomorrow, now fear, listen to the wails of yesteryear, know fear

I assume this means that OP is the character?
Pretty sweet idea man.

>>9535875
Open the letter

>>9535875
READ THE NOTE!

Also, do we have a face?

>>9535898
You are wearing a pair of very, very casual shorts--the kind with elastic about the waist--and a ratty T-shirt you should have thrown out years ago. You're pretty sure it used to be blue, not grey.

You take a bowl and get to collecting the broken glass and plastic around the TV--you wouldn't want anybody to step on them and hurt themselves, would you?

Ironically, by the time you're done, you've ended up stepping on a few pieces yourself. Still, you did't get your feet cut open or anything, so that's pretty much a net gain, maybe.

>>9535970
>>9535983
You start to open the letter--and then stop. The letter isn't addressed to you, and it'd be rude to read somebody else's mail. You set the letter aside.

>>9536030
THERE WAS SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THAT.

>>9536053
There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9536059
Well, first I feel pretty disappointed that that wasn't an awesome clue with a great buildup.

Then I carry on with whatever shit I normally do.

>>9536059
check for more clothing, maybe something gentlemanly, like a suit

DO

SOMETHING

STRAAAAAAANGE

>WAKE UP AT 9 AM
FUCK MAN, I GO TO FUCKING BED AT 9AM. WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE YOU LIVING IN WHERE THIS IS NORMAL?

Why am I awake at 9?

I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, piss, wash my face.

Sit at computer.

type.

>>9536030
Is there anyone else who lives there with us?

THIS IS THE BEST QUEST

Wait. We don't know who lucy is, but we know who her mother is?

THERE IS SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THAT!

>>9536150
You do not have a wife.

>>9536077
>>9536090
You head upstairs to take a shower.

You keep all your clothes scattered around in the appropriate drawers, which defeats the purpose of your laundry being folded in the first place--but oh well. You fetch a set of casual clothes--shirt and pants--and some underwear.

There is a single panty in the back corner of the undergarments drawer. You only see it because the bit of lace at the edge contrasts with your quite laceless briefs. The juxtaposition is a jarring, for some reason--you shrug it off and go to the bathroom.

>>9536179
Idelle is Lucy's mother.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9536220
o contraire

>>9536220
What about roomates?


Who was the letter addressed to?

Your shower is quick--you don't want to waste water, and the bill last month was way too high. other than that, nothing out of the ordinary occurs, except halfway through when you realize you're using the wrong shampoo.

"For dry or damaged hair"--you've never been able to tell the difference between this and normal shampoo, but your hair isn't dry or damaged, so...

>>9536254
After your shower, you head back downstairs to the kitchen and pick up the letter from Idelle. Even if you shouldn't read the mail itself, it should be okay to read the outside of the envelope, right?

The envelope is addressed to Lucy.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

examine panties

>>9536373
realise we are in fact lucy, then schlick

>>9536373
Was it delivered to the wrong house? Or is it our address?

search house for normal items like ID, deoderant, shoes, panties, pens, porn,

do i have a car?

>>9536373
eat the oatmeal.

Set all on fire

>>9536458
You've already eaten breakfast.

>>9536391
You return to your bedroom.

The panties are white and lacy and otherwise unremarkable. You put them back in the undergarments drawer.

>>9536423
Now, you're pretty sure you aren't a woman, and you're definitely pretty sure you aren't a woman named Lucy. You're pretty sure you don't know anyone named Lucy. At least, not now. Maybe back in college or high school, perhaps...?

>>9536440
The address on the letter is yours, it's just addressed to Lucy.

There is nothing strange about this.

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9536488
Jump out the bedroom window. Assume a divers position in the air.

>You're pretty sure you don't know anyone named Lucy. At least, not now. Maybe back in college or high school, perhaps...?

so we do know of a woman called lucy, maybe not having regular contact but we do know who she is,

lets start making a shrine to her, we can use the panties and letter as a start

>>9536507
second.

collect everything useful in teh house into one room, barricade the house and prepare for a zombie apocalypse

Do we know who the pantys belong to?

i punch u in the face faggot for posting a thread not relating to /tg/ whatsoever and reported faggot

>>9536507
Thirded

>>9536579

quest thread is /tg/ related.

so by this time it's probably 10:30. do we have any friends to call up?

Immediately panic again because yes I do work on Saturdays. Afterward I calm down because I don't work till 9.5.

>>9536635

oh shut up.

op? are you there?

>>9536660
It seems OP has left.

>>9536488
>>9536373

wait what? pictures are certainly changing....

>>9536564
...

...

...no, actually. You don't. You didn't even think about that. They're just panties, right? Just...

You don't know who these belong to.

>>9536606
Shaking off the brief feeling of confusion, you pick up the phone and call your friend Gene. He's been bothering you to spend a night out at the bar, but you've always been a bit too busy with other things. Today seems like it ought to be free, though.

Gene picks up on the second ring. "Hello?"

You greet him cheerfully, and ask if he wants to head out to the bar later tonight.

Gene laughs. "The lady finally let you a weekend off, huh?"

There is n...hold on--

Actually, there's something a little...

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9536689
look to see if we wear a wedding ring

Question him. What lady does he mean, again?

>>9536689
see if we can recall what our friend gene looks like

>>9536689

SAN check, plox. after the smashed/melted tv that nobody bothered asking about, and now not knowing about the woman that is apparently keeping us on a short leash, there is something strange about this.

>>9536740
THERE IS NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THIS!

>>9536704
You do not have a wife.

There is tan line at the base of your ring finger. It is probably not of any consequence.

>>9536715
You ask Gene what lady he's talking about.

He chuckles. "You know," he says, "your wife?"

You don't respond.

Gene's voice becomes slightly concerned. "Lucy? You--hey, are you feeling alright?"

What do you do, /tg/?

>>9536793
Got to go, feminine issues.

Sit down with a cup of coffee and TRY AND REMEMBER SHIT

>>9536793
"Who is this?"

>>9536793

ARE WE FEELING ALRIGHT?! D:

>>9536802
He wasn't calling us Lucy he was suggesting the name Lucy... I.E. "Your wife... You know... Lucy?"

>>9536793

Check freezer for body-parts we missed, crisper drawer too.

Check lawn and garden for dig marks, loose soil.

Check house for basement.

Check broken TV for blood or other viscera. Check windows for breakage while we're at it.

>>9536821
Ah, well all right then.

Also, cue Talking Heads

>>9536828

Check third floor, too.

>>9536793
>There is tan line at the base of your ring finger. It is probably not of any consequence.
>not of any consequence.

this is of extreme consequence.

also something is strange here....

Check the attic, basement, and refrigerator. Also, do we(I? Him? What do I call this guy...) remember how the TV broke?

>>9536889
The TVs not broke. Just look at it. Its right there, just sitting there.

You make a lot of flustered noises and then, embarrassingly, just hang up. Gene will probably think you've gone around the bend, but you think you've gone around the bend, so that ought to be alright, shouldn't it?

>>9536828
You check the freezer and drawers for--something. You even yank the carton of chocolate ice cream (which you don't even eat) out of its shelf, sending it skidding across the kitchen floor.

Nothing. Nothing that ought not to be there, anyway.

You don't have an attic or basement, but you check in the backyard--the room with the television has a big glass sliding door leading right outside. The rosebushes outside have been stomped on, and you can see where a lot of someones trampled on the grass.

In the mangled mess of the roses is a large footprint and a piece of something wooden.

The television is the only thing that's broken--it looks like someone melted a hole straight through the front. No blood, though.

>>9536970
Investigate wooden thing

>>9536970
>You don't have an attic or basement
>no basement

You must live where they get tornadoes. You know, the places where it might actually be handy to have a basement but nobody does.

>>9536970
OPEN THE TV
FIND BULLET
??????
PROFIT

>>9537041
melted through,

bullets dont melt through things

>>9536889
You and Lucy were throwing the football around the house. She missed, and it hit the television.

...you don't have a football. You don't even like football.

>>9536990
The wooden thing is a splintered half of...you don't know what. Some sort of thin rod, smooth on the outside. It doesn't look like it's important in any way--

The broken end is glowing.

The inside of the rod is glowing.

>>9537065
Well hell, bring it inside and set it on the Kitchen table. Investigate interior of the rod on the way

>>9537065
investigate wooden thing further

>This thread

>>9537110
I was thinking Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, really.

>>9537065
We know Lucy is our wife. Or, at least, that's what Gene says.

We can open the letter from Idelle.

>>9537089
>>9537100
It's not burning--it's just glowing. Dimly glowing, but glowing. You hold a corner of Bobby's letter directly to it, but it doesn't seem to burn it in any way.

It's just glowing.

>>9537190
You open the letter from Idelle.

...it's disappointingly ordinary. Idelle just asks Lucy how she's doing and makes a bunch of small talk about what she's been up to and the latest gossip and the like. Nothing that seems important.

>>9537235
Well... Shit. Investigate TV?

>>9537047
If its a bullet without a copper jacket, it would have melted during flight, and could have melted/shattered the glass.

>>9537269
The Television looks like it's been melted through. All the way through. In fact--

Yep, it goes all the way to the back. Granted, whatever passed through seems to have lost a lot of its inertia, did it did make it to the back, if the drippy (albeit hardened) plastic is any sign.

You carry the wooden thing with you as you investigate. You're not sure, but you think you can feel...humming? Thrumming? Something, from it. Maybe.

>>9537315
Hell, why not. Point it at the TV

>>9537329
You point it at the TV.

The humming gets...more humminger. You quickly discover that the humming increases the closer you get to the television, and fainter when you back away--

Unless you back away towards the glass sliding door.

Doesn't seem to matter if you point it or just grab it, though. That glowy bit seems to glow a little brighter to close you are to the door and television too, but it's hard to tell. You're careful not to touch it.

MEMENTO MORI

Windows are often portals to other worlds... who knows?

>>9537379
Touch sliding glass door with the glowy bit of the rod

bump

>>9537472
Nothing happens.

Same with the TV.

The glowy bit just gets a little brighter, probably.

>>9537503
Ok. ell, I'm out of ideas. Anyone?

>>9537503
Did we just find a wand?

point the rod at my head

>>9537503
Start going through the house, room by room, drawer by drawer. Anything that doesn't seem like it should be there, or we can't explain how it got there, we bring to the living room (family room?) and lay out on the floor.

Call Gene back, tell him we got really drunk/high/whatever last night, and are confused. Have him fill in the apparent blanks in our memory and worldview.

>>9537297

no, it wouldn't have. the friction of the bullet in the barrel is not enough to melt it, much less the friction from the air. lrn2ballistics.

>>9537590

this is a good idea.

>>9537590
You collect: the pair of panties, a some shirts and pants that are too small to fit you, the letter to Lucy, the carton of chocolate ice cream, shampoo and conditioner for dry or damaged hair, a small blue shaver, a bottle of perfume, and the fashion catalog--also addressed to Lucy.

You gather all these items downstairs--and then think better of it, and put them all upstairs, on the king-sized bed.

>>9537561
You point the object at your head, and then bring the glowing end towards yourself, slowly. Somehow, this feels like a bad idea. But you're probably worrying over nothing--it didn't burn the letter, after all, so it shouldn't harm you in any w--

Oh my god I love this thread.

>>9537590
I second this. This is a great idea.

>>9537747

>shouldn't harm you in any w--

Oh shit. Did we just die?

>>9537747
Jesus, what? We've got ONE guy asking for this and... okay, whatever, I'm going to end my butthurt there.

Please tell me memories come rushing back.

>>9537795

If they don't come back-- or atleast do something epic/hint things I am going to be PISSED.

>>9537747

You wake up.

You don't know what time it is, but it is dark.

You can smell chocolate somewhere nearby.

>>9537747
Assuming we are okay, take out our cell phone, call lucy, and calmly explain everything to her. Ask her if she has any ideas about what has happened.

>>9537884
You stumble downstairs. Nearly fall down the stairs. Too dark. Feels like someone opened up your skull and put in a poisonous jellyfish or two to frolic.

You still don't know who Lucy is, and there is something terribly wrong there. Also, your cellphone won't turn on.

The kitchen light won't turn on, either.

>>9537860

(Assuming this is OP)
Check your clothing pockets for a cell phone and check the time. Afterwords examine your surroundings-- are there any signs that indicate this is a dangerous place? If we don't have a cellphone use a watch or look for someone to ask the time for.

>>9537860
Lucys ice cream melted... shes gonna be pissed

>>9537860

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU check alarm clock-- are we on the bed still?

is our head injured? is there anything else in the house that the wand seems to react to?

>>9537936

Oh well. Nevermind the assuming this is OP post.

I didn't know we were still in the house.

What do we have on our person?

>>9537946
>>9537957
Your cellphone is dead. Your digital clock is dead. Your analog clock is dead.

Your bedroom light is dead. Your bathroom light is dead.

Your telephone is dead.

You find the wand on the bedroom floor. It apparently rolled off your bed when you...passed out, or whatever happened. The glowy bit is...no longer glowing. You don't feel any slight movement or anything from it anymore, either.

We need to get some medical attention...

>>9538048
Fuck. Do we know where a flashlight is? Can we remember what we were doing before?

>>9538048
Did we just turn ourself into a wizard?

Was our first spell an emp.

>>9534697

roll over and return to sleep.
9 am is prime lucid dreaming time. Maybe if I'm lucky I can resume that dream from last night where I'm at the carnival.

>>9538048

Okay so, from this it is safe to assume the power is out.
We could have been struck by lightning?

Slowly stand up and grab the rod, any sort of wallet/ID -- making sure to feel the walls and making your way out of the house into the livingroom/first floor.

>>9538132

slobro is slow

Love this thread. Please don't die.

>>9538183

>>9538191

Same bro.

It seems like you woke up right where you...fell asleep, or passed out, or whatever happened when you did whatever you did with whatever that was.

The pain in your head starts to go down a little bit--not a lot, though. Still pounding. You grab a couple of Advil from the bathroom--you used to use Tylenol, but you stopped after she told you it could hurt your liver--

Hold on, what was that?

You rack your brains for a clearer memory, but you can't come up with anything. Maybe you'd get something if your headache was gone...or maybe you wouldn't. Who knows? You gulp the Advil dry.

>>9538168
You take the wand, and your wallet.

>>9538107
You go downstairs to and fetch the flashlight from the garage. It's dead, of course.

While you're in the garage, you think you can hear something from outside. Something like...something scraping against cement, then coming to a stop.

You hear a few more of those somethings.

>>9538238

Zombie apocalypse?

Look for some sort of weapon, or anything that looks like it's written in a strange language-- or if it looks like a spell of sorts.

>>9538238
Shit pants, hope to god its not pyramid head.
>>9538252
Thanks for the bump kimmo

>>9538238
Look for a bat. Cricket, baseball, softball (did Lucy play softball? Who's Lucy?) and for god's sake, stay the fuck away from the garage door.

In fact, leave the garage once we find a suitable bludgeoning instrument and fucking jam it shut somehow. I don't like the sound of that.

>>9538299
This is your house. You don't have anything like that--anything strange.

At least, you're pretty sure.

>>9538308
The closest thing to a good bludgeoning instrument in the garage is the gardening shears, and those are rather unwieldy, what with their odd angle and all.

There is, however, an iron poker in the fireplace you've never actually started a fire in. You reenter the house and grab that--

And hear three sharp knocks on your door.

GUYS ARCHIVE THIS THREAD AT 4CHANARCHIVE.ORG

I WANT TO KEEP THIS D|

Okay, memory loss, magic(?), blackouts, and some kind of scraping.

Any theorys?

>>9538375

Wait a few minutes-- making no noise incase whatever the hell is out there is dangerous.

If they call out your name or knock again try to peek out a crack in the door or window.

>>9538407
We use our own archive.

suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com

>>9538375
Look out the peep hole to see who it is. Let's not get too suspicious of other people - after all, they seem to have a firm grip on reality.

Of course, we'll keep the poker in our hand when we do.

>>9538375

Look out window at front porch area. Alternately, exit house and VERY QUIETLY look around a corner... gonna have to consider exiting the house carefully though.

>>9538448

Oh thanks man -bookmarks-

>>9538407
Fag.

Suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com

/tg/s personal archives. Only needs one request.

When this jerk at the door is dealt with, do you think a high school or college yearbook might help at least find the face pf this 'Lucy' chick?

>>9538407
>4CHANARCHIVE.ORG

Go fuck yourself, /tg/ is beyond that site.

>>9538450
>>9538451
You look out the peephole.

There are three very uncomfortable-looking men standing on your front porch. Very uncomfortable. They keep muttering and whispering to each other (too quietly for you to overhear), and all three of their faces show some degree of sheepishness.

All of their right hands, you notice, are stuffed down the pockets of their...

...robes?

That's just...strange.

>>9538532
>>9538473

Sorry guys, I'm a pretty big newfag when it comes to 4chan-- especially /tg/.

>>9538570

I'm going to assume this is some sort of wizard group from the robes. Maybe they want to recruit us.

Ask who they are.

Alternatively;

Open the door with the poker in hand-- gripped firmly and ready to strike if necessary.

>>9538570
Ask them what they want. Without opening the door.

>>9538573
Welcome aboard, go through the archives and see what intests you.

If you enjoy this, check out Ruby Quest. Its in the suptg archives.

>>9538573

Also look for IncestQuest. I'm pretty sure it's the same writer.

>>9538605
>>9538611
You call out through the door, asking who the men are. Through the peephole, you see one of them--a weary-looking man with a moustache--yell back.

"The neighborhood watch association!"

>>9538670
>are you a wizard.jpg
Tell them you can see them. Ask them why a neiborhood watch are wearing robes.

>>9538670
My amnesiatic ass they are. Tell them we're fine, and that they woke us up. Then tell them to piss off.

>>9538728

Perhaps OP means night robes/bathrobes.

>>9538670
>>9538728
>>9538736
They're right it's probably perfectly normal.

>>9538736
You inform the robey-men quite strongly that you don't want any.

The men stand around the porch, looking uncomfortable and flustered. One of them--a old guy with a big, white Santa-esque beard--yells back:

"Excuse me!"

He pauses.

"This is the neighborhood watch association! We were wondering if we could ask you a few questions!"

He steps closer to the peephole, as if trying to see you back. You notice he is glowing, a little.

Actually, all three of them are glowing. It's hard to tell, so you didn't notice at first, but--yes, they're all glowing. Blue. It sort of melds in with the night--especially with the porch light off.

>>9538834
Yes, my power is out.

No, I don't want to donate to the neighborhood watch; my neighborhood association fees should pay for that.

Yes, I do think you should get the fuck off my porch before I call the police.

>>9538834
Tell them you ask a question first, and if they answer, they get to ask you one.

Why are they glowing.

>>9538834
Tell them you need to put some pants on before you can let them in.

Go get the wand.

>>9538911
I think we're carrying the wand with us.

Point the rod at them through the door. Prepare for shooty DEATH.

How are we physicall?

If we are strong I say we punch their faces back in

Otherwise just go get a knife and make them glow red if you know what I mean

WE KILLED LUCY

THE WAND IS A GUN

THE ICE CREAM IS HER SEVERED HEAD

WE'RE INSANE!

NOBODY PAYS ME IN GUM

Are WE glowing?

>>9538965
I'll allow it.

>>9538965
In that case we shot ourselves in the head earlier, so nothing we do now matters.

>>9539010
You are not glowing. You're pretty sure you'd be able to tell, if you were. It's dark in here.

>>9538911
You already have the piece of the wand. You took it earlier, along with your wallet.

>>9539039
Well seeing as after that, everything was DEAD, that theory seems to make the most sense.

>>9538965
Lucy's body is the televison! The glass was blood spatter!

>>9539074
Did we kill Lucy? Is the ice cream her head? Are we dead?

>>9539085
OH MAN

Yeah, all these every day objects aren't.

TV - Body
Ice cream - Head
Panties - ?
Wooden something - Bone/leg?
Wand - Gun

The men outside our door are cops/coroners/something at the crime scene after our body(s) was/were found.

>>9539103
>>9539090
>>9539085
>>9539039

/thread

>>9539103
I don't think that's it.

Interesting theory that we are now dead. I didn't know that the afterlife didn't pay it's electric bill.

If those three guys are Psychopomp we might as well go with them.

>>9539103
Again, if this is true, we committed suicide and are now dead. NO RULES LULZ.

>>9539074
Alright then, tell them they can ask on that side of the door.

>>9539103
The wood something WAS the wand... right?

Point the wand/wands at them through the door.

>You collect: the pair of panties, a some shirts and pants that are too small to fit you, the letter to Lucy, the carton of chocolate ice cream, shampoo and conditioner for dry or damaged hair, a small blue shaver, a bottle of perfume, and the fashion catalog--also addressed to Lucy.

>You gather all these items downstairs--and then think better of it, and put them all upstairs, on the king-sized bed.

These are her body parts/whole body. Lay down next to her and finish this.

>>9539201
Also put the "busted tv" up there.

>>9539201
>>9539206
I... don't think you guys are right about this. I'm more interested in the effects of the wand and the three guys out there.

>>9539228
The wand is a gun. We shot ourselves in the head. These guys might be grim reapers or something. Who knows.

Let them in. Let them do their job.

>>9539244
OP, don't listen to this guy. He just wants to end things.

Accept what we've done. Pay for our sins.

OP hasn't posted in a while, seeing as how we figured everything out and the mystery is gone.

>>9539159
You point the wand at the door.

...nothing really happens, because you're just pointing a wand at a door.

>>9539301
Thats what we thought about being able to fly...

>>9539309
Sure are ignoring all these other posts except the one(s) that are convenient for him.

>>9539309
Tell them they can ask their questions from the comfort of the porch. We're not letting some fucking glowing guys inside.

>>9539422
theres no way he would be able to keep up with all this nonsense

>>9539446
This, but tell them we're not letting them in 'cause we really don't feel well at all, and we don't want to spread your disease around.

Ask them if they've seen your wife recently.

Slow quest is slow.

Let's open this door and get it on. What do these fuckers want, anyway? OPEN THE DOOR. ROCK AND ROLL TIME OR ANTI CLIMAX, WE'RE GOOD TO GO.

>>9539494

>Seen my wife around?

Very....un-suspicious

OPEN THE GOD DAMN DOOR AND TELL THEM WE KILLED HER BUT WE DONT KNOW WHY

>>9539506
We don't know we killed her, the wand is broken. Maybe one of their wizard friends tried to kill us both and we managed to break his wand and he managed to break our tv. These guys are here to finish it, looking uncomfortable because they don't usually have to come back a second time.

Decision time: Open the door, or don't open the door?

You're losing us OP, it's been 3 1/2 hours.... we gotta get rollin' here. Perhaps stop spooky pic spam if you are spending any time on it?

OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, GOD DAMN

>>9539544

That's up to you OP, if this is going to take 3 1/2 hours a session, we probably want to open the door to get momentum, good or bad.

If we can increase pace, we don't want to open the door.

>>9539544
At this point: just open the door.

where is the fucking door you guys keep talking about?????

>>9539544
I don't want to open the door. But I want some kind of action, and if the only way to get that is opening the door i'm with it.

This is the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced.

>>9539544
Open the door.

>>9539558
>>9539565
>>9539566
>>9539605

You put the wand in your pocket and open the door, greeting the three men as calmly as you can.

"Hello," says the man with the beard. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm wondering if, er, perhaps you've noticed anything strange lately? I can't seem to help put notice that your, uh..."

He gestures around behind him, towards the rest of the neighborhood (still glowing slightly blue all the while), but he can't seem to find the words.

The man standing furthest from you--the only one out of the bunch that actually looks young--jumps in to save his friend. "The lights," he says. "The lights--as you can see, the power's gone out--we're from the neighborhood watch association, and we're just wondering if you'd noticed anything strange right before it happened."

Point the wand at the closest one's face. Point blank range. "Yes."

Say: "Yes. My wife's gone missing, and I'm not feeling well... and my tv exploded for some reason... and... I think I'm losing my memory..."

>>9539707

>>9539707
I'll allow it.

>>9539682
Tell them.

They seem understanding.

Also, give them a wand.

>>9539707
The wand is just a stick right now. It needs to be recharged.

>>9539682
Tell him we were asleep when it happened. Tell them we'd invite them inside, but without the electricity... *shrug* Not much I can offer you in the way of hospitality.

>>9539707
>>9539716

Be upfront about weird happenings, and then point-blank the wand at one of them INCIDENTALLY, saying something like "I also found this thing, here look at it."

>>9539707
>>9539762
You point your broken half of a wand at the man with the bread and tell him that yes, you have.

His eyes widen for a second, and then he smiles. "Ah. Well, then, I suppose that makes this much easier."

And then, before you can react, he yanks his own hand out of his pocket.

The object he is holding is pulsing blue-violet, but you barely have time to notice before he barks out a word you don't know--harsh, almost Latin-sounding.

A greenish-blue light flies out of the object and hits you in the chest.

"Well, that takes care of that," the bearded man says, and reaches for the wand in your hand.

>>9539933
Kick him in the balls, slam the door, grab his throat, and hold the wand about an inch away from his eye. And then demand that he tells you what's going on, and where the hell your wife is.

But it's not a wand, it's a gun, and we killed ourselves.

>>9539933
Sounds like harry potter, if that didn't kill us i think something went wrong. Maybe we're not human.

>>9539933
Tell him you don't think the wand was charged, you were just showing it to him.

>>9539973
wait no
I got it he erased our memory again. that bastard!

>>9539963
The OP's response will be "you don't recall having a wife." Tough fucking shit. You do recall something is horribly amiss, and all other outside aspects of reality are suggesting you have a wife. You also have the ability to put two and two together, and as such, you can at least figure out that screaming "where's my wife" in the guy's face will get him to explain what's going on.

>>9539963
You grab him and hold him in a choke hold, asking him about- wait, you don't recall having a wife.

>>9540019
Nope. But I sure as hell recall things that suggest I have a wife. And besides, I like video games. Shouting "where's my wife" seems almost appropriate, given the level of insanity I seem to be suffering from.

MEMORY LOSS IS FUN!

But seriously, now what. I try to keep hold of the mysterious stick as the stranger pulls on it.

>>9540050
Lol, you thought that was the OP

>>9540058
No, you grab his stick as he grabs yours, and you both tug back and forth for a while, they're glowing purple heads getting more colorful as you do so

>>9540059
Not really. No pic. I figured I should at least give some more arguments in favor of shouting "where's my wife," however.

>>9539967
Shut the fuck up with that, guy. You're reading symbolism into this that doesn't exist. There was a magical battle in your home. That's what fucking happened. Our wife was fucking stolen from us by the magical gestapo, our mind was wiped, but our wife managed to leave part of a magical object behind.

Which we have just lost to the fucking wizard goon squad sent to retrieve it. Awesome.

>>9539963
Agreed, but use the poker to take out his fucking kneecap and steal his wand from him.

>>9540068
SWEET! YES TAKE HIS!

>>9540078
A clever plan, but its easier to threaten to stab someone's eye out with a short wand than with a long poker.

...As such, new plan is to hit him with the poker, steal his wand, hold it in front of his eye, and demand the location of your theoretical wife.

>>9540092
YOU KEEP RUBBING EACH OTHERS STIFF RODS, YOU FGGT

>>9540096
Hypothetical wife.

>>9540068
Add some physical blows in to this. Kick to the knee, stomp on his foot, knee to the groin, headbutt, bite him. Fucker just attacked us, I want him weaponless and in massive fucking pain.

>>9540068

>you grab his stick as he grabs yours, and you both tug back and forth for a while, they're glowing purple heads getting more colorful as you do so

Vaguely erotic, again.

>>9540078

>but use the poker to take out his fucking kneecap and steal his wand from him.

Seriously, fight fire with water. You have wands? I have a hooked piece of wrought iron. Smash that fucker, smash him good. Go down swinging.

>>9539963
You drop your poker.

Very calmly, more calmly than you ought to be feeling, you step forwards, out of your house.

The bearded man steps back instinctively--then seems to realize something, a rather stupid expression flickering over his face. He looks at the wand in your hand--looks at your face--looks at the wand again--raises the blue-violet in his hand again--

You grab him by the throat, yank him towards you, and put the splintered end of your wand very close to his eye.

The other two men step backwards, expressions of surprise and fear on their faces--they pull their own blue-violet you-don't-know-whats out and point them at you.

The man you've got by the throat, meanwhile, won't shut up--he keeps grunting and choking out some words you don't understand, jabbing his own blue-violet into your chest again and again. It's annoying, so you kick him in the balls.

He stops.

"D-don't move!" the man with the mustache yells. "Or we'll--" He uses a verb you don't understand, "--you!'

>>9540118
>>9540115
>>9540096

PIC RELATED. COMMIT VIOLENCE WITH EXTREME SAVAGERY.

>>9540141
Fuck it, I'm through with this. This had great potential for mindfuckery OP, when it was still possibly for all these mundane things to be a delusion for a man who'd murdered his wife, but you went with some bullshit "OH MAN, MAGIC, AND AMNESIA, SO EDGY! EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER THIS, LOL!"

No. If it had been the murder thing, THEN it would have been memorable. But it's not, and now I'm bored and tired, so fuck you, I'm out.

>>9534697
FUCK YOU I HAVE TO WORK LATER TODAY

>>9540141
I demand to know where my wife is.

>>9540141
Bite the fucker in the face and laugh wildly. Drag him inside and kick the door shut, then press him against the door.

>>9540108
Bye. The rest of us will continue enjoying the new direction the thread's taken.

>>9540141
Remain calm. Keep focused on the guy in front of you. Inform the robed men that they can do whatever the hell they want, but if they don't tell you where your hypothetical wife is right the fuck now, you'll stab this guy in the eye so hard that the wand will go out the back of his skull and "verb" them both in the face.

>>9540180
Isn't he the guy who wanted to lay down with the assembled parts of his dead wife? I'm glad he left.

>>9540229
That was actually supposed to reference this:
>>9540180

>>9540141
Point your finger at the mustache guy and say "Lets see what you guys tried to do to me." Then repeat the latin-y thing that santa said.
We just turned ourselves INTO A FUCKING WAND DUDE! We no longer need a stick to channel our magic.

>>9540283
Oh. I think you might be right.

>>9540283
.... im okay with this
i am VERY okay with this

>>9540283

this, because i'm intrigued.

>>9540198
>>9540229
You quietly inform the two men that if they don't tell you where your wife is, you're going to stab this one with the piece of wand.

Through the eye.

There are two different reactions to this.

The man with the mustache yells out that word you don't know, pointing his blue-violet at your head--a glow red something else flies towards you, hits you.

It surprises you, a little. It doesn't hurt, though.

In fact, you feel a lot better. Your headache's gone.

The clean-shaven man, on the other hand, pales, his eyes going wide.

>>9540214

Well, you warned them.

You drag your unfortunate victim inside your house and kick the door shut. The bastard's whimpering. You inform him that you'll give him something to whimper about, then slam him against the door and hold the splintered wand once again very very close to his eye.

You ask him to tell you where your wife is.

"I don't--I don't know!" the man cries.

>>9540283
>Shot self
>shit goes wrong with electronics
>wands not working
>were immune to magic
OH! FUCK! YES!

see, I knew pointing the wand at our head was a good idea. got the narrative flowing

this thread has taught me an important lesson
if you ever see any magical items that seems to be emitting some sort of energy, point them at your head

>>9540437
Inform him that he better friggin inform you how to find out, as well as who his people are, what he's been doing to you, and why the hell they think the Neighborhood Watch is a good disguise, or he'll have to start wondering what he's going to do about all the Missing Eye he's going to start suffering from.

>>9540437
Wrong answer. Take the wand from him and inform him that if he does not come up with answers soon, we will introduce him to the Fireplace Poker of Truth.

It is wise and terrible.

>>9540442
>>9540445
>>9540459
I'm laughing so hard.

>>9540437
>hit by magic
>headache gone
Power recharged. HUMAN WAND MODE FUCK YES!

>>9540485
>>9540474

PCs are so quaint aren't they? Egregious threats of bodily harm come instantly and unceasingly!

>>9540549
I don't see you suggesting anything. But fine, let's go in a more productive direction.

>>9540437
Since he seems rather frightened at this point, he needs to tell us something helpful. Start with who the fuck he is, and who his pals outside are.

somebody needs to keep refreshing this on suptg

Let him go, tell him that nothing he tries will work, ask him if he can shed some light on the situation (both figurativelyand litterally, its dark in here and we need answers) be sure to memorize the light spell he casts.

>>9540474
>>9540485

You inform the man that if does not provide relevant information forthwith, you will hit him very hard with a fireplace poker.

...actually, where'd you put your fire poker?

Oh, right, you dropped it over there--

Seizing his chance in the moment you're distracted, the man jabs his blue-violet rather uncomfortably at your head and roars out one of those words you didn't understand earlier--the red one. It slams into your skull like with the force of a feather.

You feel something like a odd tingling in your fingertips.

Smiling, you kindly inform the man that you consider his actions unconstructive. And then you put the wand in his eye.

He screams, dropping his blue-violet. You release him, and he slumps against the foot of the door, mewling pathetically.

You hear yelling outside--though it is difficult to be sure, what with this guy's yelping and such. You also hear something that sounds like a firecracker going off very close by.

You pick up the poker.

Wonder why there is a digital clock on my bedside table. I don't even have a digital clock... or a bedside table.

>>9540705
Huh. You know, I wasn't expecting to actually end up stabbing the man in the eye. Very well then.

Pick up One-Eye, open door, throw One-Eye at those dudes, and then shout that verb at them as loud as possible. Then hit them with the poker.

>>9540721
>290 posts
OH MY GOD.

>>9540723
I agree. I don't think he'll be terribly co-operative with one eye.

ITT: people who aren't going to be awake a 9:00 am

>>9540723
NO!
Exit the door, then slowly advance on them... letting them hit you with their magic.

>>9540783
Well, maybe. But then I'll remember it's Saturday.

>>9540783
And there will be nothing strange about that.

>>9540790
Oh u!

This thread quietly going away for now is for the best, but come another day, I will want to know what happened to my wife.

Heading to bed-- Someone make sure to keep this on suptg if it goes anywhere else tonight.

Single last today.

>>9540786
You toss the man into the kitchen--not literally, of course. That'd be crude. You really just sort of drag him there. He's still whimpering and trying to feel at his eye. It's honestly kind of pitiful.

You return to the front hallway. You're about to head over to the door, open it, and confront the other two men when there's a yelling.

And then a crack.

And green green green green green--

The door smashes open from the outside. A piece with the knobs attached flies towards your, turning lazily through the air--you barely manage to turn your head away before it strikes you, hard, on the side of the skull. You're not even that lucky with the other pieces of the door, though--wood, splintered, scratches and gouges at your body. Your arms receive the worst of it when you raise them to protect your head.

Finally, though, it is quiet. You dare lower your hands--just to peek--

The two men are standing outside the door, blue-violets still raised.

Behind them, in the night sky, some orange blooms vividly.

>>9540997
awwww, when can we expect more?

Epic turned to shit, should that be archived? I'm confused.

>>9541119
Dude, that was awesome.

Just because you didn't get your CRAZY MURDERER WHO MURDERED HIS WIFE SO EDGY! doesn't mean we didn't like turning into the most powerful mage to ever live.

>>9540997

SHIT JUST GOT REAL

>>9541176
> accidentally turning into the most powerful mage to ever live.

>>9541176

No he has a point. It started off like it was going to be some Sapphire and Steel stuff, what with "there is nothing strange about this" and the images of people falling. Then OP ran out of ideas and it all turned cartoonish.

That said, I'm glad it wasn't something as dull as murdering our wife.

Wonder why I woke up that early. Go back to sleep, or get up and nurse my fucking hangover. Probably nurse the hangover with something to drink, beg my mate down the hall for some Ibuprofin, and go get something to eat. Then I fuck around all day, and then get blind drunk again that night.