I once went to crazy hassan's looking for a standard camel, and walked away with a camel with automatic transmission.

There's one yesterday. One in Dune.

I once went to crazy hassan's, and got a camel that gets 16 miles to the gallon of water

>>9592689

I once went to Crazy Hassan's looking for a camel with automatic transmission, and walked away with a nuclear-powered battlecamel. He said it was only used by a little old lady to drive to market on alternate Sundays.

I was one of the members of the expedition that he led after the dread Tarrascamel, but I was laid up with injuries before they reach their goal.
I know not if he still lives.

I once went to crazy hassan's and wound up spending four times the budget for the entire trip.

I wonder, are evil customers still valued customers? What camel would Hassaan give to, say, a chaos cultist.

>>9592753
Mutated camel?

I once went to Crazy Hassan's and came back with all hangover and no money

I once took a job as Crazy Hassan's sales assistant.

I am now President.

I once went to crazy hassan's and didn't come back

My sister went to crazy hassan's and came back 9 months pregnant.

with camels.

>>9592753

Hassan has good deals on better-than-new, slightly used camels for anyone and everyone! his only stipulation is that he does not sell camels to those who would harm the beasts. of course, more often than not even the most sadistic customer can be taught the joys of owning and caring for a camel.

I once went to crazy hassan's for his monthly camel inspection, and came back with a positive inspection report and no memory

I once went to crazy hassan's and I woke up seven months later on a rooftop in Nouakchott with acacia thorns stuck all over me and a vague sense of satisfaction.

You need camel? Of course you do, everyone need camel. Crazy Hassan will sell you good camel, only slightly used. Come into my tent, we talk about right camel for you. Don't mind my wife, she lives in tent too.

Okay, you want to cross the desert? Rob the tombs of ancient kings? I'll sell you twenty camels and throw in these dates. 200 gold. What, no sale? How about I throw in a nice rug? No?

Okay my most valued customer, I can see you have a most discerning eye. I will, for a mere 200 gold, sell you twenty-five camels and this rare map. Legend says map leads to buried tomb out in desert. No more searching and wandering! You just jump up on camel and ride to spot, get treasure, and live like a king.

So, my friend, do we have a deal?

>>9592899
What would Hassaan give to a Nurgle cultist. He would probablly have to try and fine a worse-than-new camel.

My Uncle went to Crazy Hassan's, and came back with a brand new 1200 Dual Hump Camel with 2 Horse Power

I knew one janitor named hassan. Dirty fucker stole lightbulbs from elevators and gas from lawnmower.

I once went to crazy hassan's, and got a camel that can do barrel rolls.

>>9592945
Crazy Hassan loves these most valued customers. They buy the harder to sell camels, but always at a discount. Nothing is to good for Crazy Hassan's favorite customers.

Once climbed to the top of Mount Everest. Fucking Hassan was there, selling camels, which he claimed were, "Better for transportation than any mount in any terrain." He then sold me a slightly used camel, and sledded down the mountain. Dude is freaking crazy.

Once went deep sea diving, and it turns out Crazy Hassan has a shop in Atlantis: "Crazy Hassan's Used SeaCamels"

"Chckt...That's one small step for man...chckt...one giant leap for mankind."

"WELCOME, VALUED CUSTOMER, TO CRAZY HASSAN'S SLIGHTLY USED CAMEL EMPORIUM!"

>>9593108
Daw, you beat me to the idea.

"Do not worry, I train camels for use in cave. Just make them walk outside with sunglasses for 3 weeks, then when i take them into cave and remove glasses, it is like day to them! Hassan's camels truly lead you to safety no matter what desert you are going through!

When looking at the moon through a telescope for the first time, the astronomers started naming craters, before spotting Crazy Hassan's Moon Camel Emporium. They were so astonished, they left it out of the official report.

I once asked crazy hassan what was under his hat. The sly man replied "Only more great offers than any other used camel store this side of everywhere!"

i once asked Crazy Hassan why they call him crazy, i asked if he had a serious mental disorder.
he told me "i cannot help but sell wonderful camels, of a higher quality then the customer first intended, and at a lower price, every day, if i dont, i fear i may take my own life!"

I once went to Crazy Hassan's store, walked out completely satisfied without money or a camel

I once went to crazy hassan's camel emporium, and walked out with a horse

>>9593342
thats a stone faced lie.
please dont lie about this great man

I once walked into Crazy Hassan's and sold a bunch a camels of various makes and models. BECAUSE I AM CAAA-RAZZZZY.

>>9593330
>walked out completely satisfied without money or a camel
Of course, because you walked out with several camels.

Crazy Hassan's camels are 16 Horsepower

>>9593482

I think you mean that Crazy Hassan's camels are one Camelpower.

I heard Hassan's into suicide camel bombing business... be careful.

I once went into Crazy Hassans slightly used camel emporium and didn't buy a single camel. It was the greatest mistake of my life.

>>9593506

Why the fuck would Hassan hurt a camel? Clearly, this man slanders Hassan out of professional jealousy! We won't fall for your tricks, sir, so I suggest you leave!

I once walked into Mad Muhammad's New Camel lot.

I still ended up being sold a slightly used camel from Crazy Hassan.

>>9593506
You might even say...

business is..


booming.

Did someone say camels?

This one once encountered the human Hassan on the presidium. With unusual showmanship, he encouraged this one to purchase one of his fine camels. When this once pointed out that his camels were in fact Krogan and Elcor, he replied that he was branching out into space camels. Apparently Krogan have lovely humps, while Elcor have proper camel shape.

This one has heard he is now thought to be largest mercenary contractor in sector. He just loves to sell off his so-called war camels.

>>9593678

Impassively: It is not a bad life, all things considered.

I once went to Crazy Hassan's Camel Emporium but I didn't buy anything in the end.

I was however surprised when I discovered that my horse had somehow turned into a camel. I hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary except for the ride being a lot smoother and comfortable than usual.

It was faster, stronger and smarter as well.

When I returned the next day to to thank him and ask for how he did, he only smiled and told me that "Such is the mystery of the Camel."

I once went to Crazy Hassan's to buy a camel. I left not needing one, as now, i am my own camel.

MMRRRRRMRMRMRRRR

I once went to crazy hassan's for a camel, and he sold me what looked like a very poor fake camel, with two men inside.

So, I unzipped the camel, and as I expected. Two men, pretending to be a camel.

Enraged, I went back to Crazy Hassan, and confronted him about this fuckery. He made no reply. He simply unzipped the men to reveal two camels, pretending to be men pretending to be a camel.

>>9593834
OH SHI-

>>9593834
That nigga is crazy man.

I went to Crazy Hassan's looking for a camel on a budget.
I came back pregnant with 3 camels, and I'm a man.

what in the fuck is going on here?

>>9594005

Crazy Hassan happened. He swept through /tg/ a few nights back and now possesses one of the highest-voted threads on sup/tg/. Last I saw it was at 72 or something.

>>9594005
the man is fucking legend. you want camel? he sell you best camel. you want great merchant stereotype for a game? he great merchant stereotype

crazy hassan has sold my country many camels, only slightly used

it breeds true, we've declared them a new subspecies

>>9594075

You mean the camels are BORN slightly-used?

>>9594102
Correct.

Strangah.... STRANGAH

NOW THAT'S A CAMEL

>>9594102
yes, that's exactly what i mean

noone can explain it, so, new species

My party met Crazy Hassan on a mountain, selling camels with both cold weather and underwater adaptations. They bought two camels, their bearskins and their snorkels for a mere 100 gold, and received (thanks to a 1 on a Knowledge (nature) check) a rare camel tortoise for free. It's a camel disguised as a guinea pig with a seashell tied to its back pretending to be a tortoise, ready to reveal itself whenever they have need for it. The party said they only wanted two, but Crazy Hassan knows you can never have enough camels.

I once went to Crazy Hassan's and he raped me.

Rogue Trader Hassanius is well known for eccentric behavior, and his used Terra camels.

Once, I tried to take a force into the desert. We were to meet up with Al'Rahem, of the Tallarn Desert Rangers. To our surprise, this eccentric man came up and offered me transportation for my men that would not clog the engines of my vehicles.

I took his offer, paid him.

We engaged the orks sometime later. We rode our Camels into battle, then, as the enemy neared, they realized that the camels were actually Leman Russ battle tanks.

Crazy Hassan was actually Creed in disguise.

>>9594200
>>9593506
You can spot the underage fags a mile away.

>>9594273
or has Creed really always been Hassan? The world will never truly know.

I am a monk of the ascetic order of Ibul Hasheem.

During my tenth winter as a brother of spirit sand, I was sent into the desert to under go my soul shaping. For many days I endured the hardships of the shifting sands, the burning heat that baked the water and salt from my body, the freezing nights that bit through my hessian robe.

I sought to unite my heat with that of the desert itself, to embrace and in turn be embraced by the golden sands. However something held me back, a dark shadow that lurked on the surface of my soul, an abyss into the self that in my weakness I could not enter into.

I fully understood, the desert abhors weakness. So long as I could not confront this inner journey my fate in the desert was sealed.

Crazy Hassan's camels+DnD index of templates=????

>>9593834

Little do you know that the camels are also two camels pretending to be men, pretending to be a camels.

This does not stop, there are camels pretending to be men pretending to be camels all the way down.

As of this posting there are cell sized camels pretending to be cell sized men as observed via microscope.

We have sent a sample to an electron microscope to be analysed, we suspect there may be atom sized camels involved.

>>9594383

Upon my third new moon, having supped on a meager meal of hardy sand scrubs, a vision came to me. Perhaps in my water deprived delirium my consciousness bordered the spirit world, perhaps the spirit world sought me out to begin with. To this day I cannot say.

The apparition took the form of a man, a great and terrible man more fearsome than any demon depicted in the talmut. He towered over me though his stature was crooked, where the winds whipped at my humble robe a calm seem to center around this giant. A single brow knitted from coarse black wires framed a sun stained face, wrapped in sand logged fabrics of mismatched material and design much of his person was hidden from me.

Save, that is, for his cardamon yellow grin and great black rimmed eyes, alive with fire and madness. My mind was called back in an instant to the studies of my youth, of the text that named Bagda-yashir. The patron saint of the mad and the lost who reputedly acted as guardian of the desert's waters and final judge of it's many trials, for who but the mad and the lost would subject themselves to naked sands?

From deep within the monumental pile of rags a voice boomed forth like the thunder of the glass storms that herald the greatest of sandstorms.

"WELCOME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S BETTER-THAN NEW USED CAMELS. I AM CRAZY HASSAN AND THESE..."

The giant gestured behind him.

"ARE HIS CAMELS."

>>9594647

His words shook me to the very core.

I croaked through sand choked lips but no voice would come when bidden, through wheezing breath my tongue slapped slackly but could not form the words of my dying prayer. For I knew in this moment, I would not return from this place.

"CRAZY HASSAN HAS THE CAMEL FOR YOU TODAY, INDEED HE HAS CAMEL FOR EVERYONE EVERYDAY!"
He added as an after thought, with his ever present booming enthusiasm.
"COME, LET ME WALK YOU AND TALK YOU. MAYBE LAST TIME YOU LEGS SEE THE SAND WHEN WE FINISH, EH?"

A hand like a slab of granite crashed into my back knocking my scant breath from me as this titan laughed a horrendous cackle. Enveloping me in one mighty arm I was dragged, feet limply marking the sand behind me, along with him past a herd of hardy camels.

I cannot recount my experiences from here on in accurate detail, a number of times I must've passed out though I could not recall ever closing my eyes. What I do remember, what is burned upon my soul to this day, is how Hassan.... Crazy Hassan... would bring me from camel to identical camel for inspection.

>>9594207

Terra camels. Would that imply that all of Hassanius's camels are holy relics?

>>9594386

All of Crazy Hassan's camels have the Paragon template applied.

>>9594830
>>9594647

Crazy Hassan has inspired some of the best writefaggotry that /tg/ has ever put out in just a few short days of his existence. There's something about him that speaks to us.

>>9594852
Of course Camels holy! Camels are holiest beings, treat favoured customers correctly all the time!

>>9594830

"POLAR CAMEL, BRISK TRADE IN THIS MODEL. RUGGED FEATURES PERFECT FOR ARCTIC CONDITIONS. BUT THIS IS NO CAMEL FOR YOU."

A new camel would rise in my vision, same as the last.

"AQUATIC CAMEL, POPULAR IN THE TURNWISE SEA FOR IT'S SUBMARINE GRACE. FEATURES BUILT IN FLOTATION DEVICE. BUT THIS IS NO CAMEL OF YOURS."

Camels again and again, the jungle camel and the temperate forest camel, the all terrain camel and the urban camel (very environmentally friendly!). I could have sworn the man merely led me in a circle only to return me to the same camel over and over claiming a new set of remarkable abilities each time. By straining my throat, clogged with spittle and sand, I told him as much.

Hassan, upon hearing of the lands of Discworld, was last seen collecting as many camels as he could find.

The elephants and turtle have since been replaced by camels and one very large sea camel, respectively.

>>9594886
This made me lol so fucking hard

>>9594983

Hassan, upon hearing of the lands of the Discworld, promptly drove the Dibbler clan out of the transportation industry via efficient marketing and excellent customer service.

>>9594915

No matter how sure I was of my doom before that point, as soon as I uttered those words I was certain of my death as I was that the sun would rise. A deadly calm over took the desert, the wind shrank in fear of the great man snaring me in his arm of rags, the grains of sand under my feet felt as if they had been frozen to stone in awe of this great soul.

My life, my eternity was lost in that moment. Locked in the great black rimmed eyes that seem to bore into my very soul, I desperately wanted to writhe and shrink before him so as to hide my wretchedness but I was held in place much as the entire world appeared to be.

"BWAHAHAHAHA! HASSAN SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO TRY AND PULL THE CAMEL HIDE OVER A MONK'S EYES."

That hideous, glorious laughter shattered the moment of eternity into a million shards that formed the past, present and future once more.

"INDEED ALL CAMEL I SHOW ARE MERE CAMELS BY ANY OTHER NAME, NAMES FOR MEN TO KNOW THEM BY. YOU SEE MY WISE FRIEND, CAMEL IS AS CAMEL DOES."

"And what does camel do?"

I murmured out my reply.

"What is needed."

His hushed hiss echoed with reverence, as if he spoke of some higher power. Though the day was long by then and the sand was hot, to hear this colossus, this behemoth, this goliath, this GOD to speak in awe chilled all that I was.

>>9595348

Gently I was coaxed into movement again, where before he spoke with crashing might and moved with a forceful hand now he urged me forward with the gentleness of a shepherd to his flock. He seemed all the more powerful to me for it.

"I see you are a discerning man when it come to camel, I like that. I like you." He continued in soft tones, resonant with a fraternal feeling.
"I see you travel a path down which no man may follow, a road you fear to tread yourself. To tread oneself, not to be taken lightly."
Mystic words hypnotized me, before I could object or even notice he had seated me in another one of his identical camels.

"Upon this camel you shall take one trip and no more, he will return from your trip without you. But he shall not be alone."

"Where will he take me?"

I asked, even as Hassan shrank from view as he stood atop a dune. Upon the shifting of the sand, in the call of the wind, with the cry of the bird and the drumming of the insect I heard his reply.

"Where needed."

- Sermons of Grand Monk, Lucid Abban, volume six.

>>9595378


There done. Sorry about the ending, I always seem to have a hard time concluding my ideas.

>>9595389
Good job writefag. Keep up the good work.

They desert traders whisper that Crazy Hassan has read pages from the dread Necronomicon, and that his camels are not what they seem.

>>9595389
The ending was great, don't worry.

>>9595624
Only the desert traders who were driven out of the camel business because they couldn't compete with Crazy Hassan's prices.

They seek to destroy him with petty slander out of envy for his understanding of the Way of the Camel.

>>9595624
>Crazy Hassan has read pages from the dread Necronomicon
*Cthulhu rise from the sea*
"WELCOME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S BETTER-THAN NEW USED CAMELS"

>>9595389

Don't worry. It was an excellent piece, and I feel improved having read it. You are a fine writer, sir, and I would tip my hat to you were I not indoors.

DG Friendly Eyes Only

My Travels to the Dream Land
Abbott Clementine

(Relevant Notes Begin Here) - I took the Powder of Azar to my head, as I had done many times before. Like a whirlwind, the drowsiness beset me as it had before and soon I was in the Lord's dream time.

But as I walked down the stairs to those dread lands beyond, I find that both vaunted gatekeepers are missing, the door they guard is ajar.

What horror has beset the land of dream? Had we finally prompted the hidden masters of the land to action?

With trembling hand I pushed the door open.

Even from here I can a radical change in the never changing greens of the Dream Lands. Everywhere there are foul beasts of burden, horses with humped backs and long heads.

Hideous things but even as I look at them I find myself admiring the strength of their legs and the steely purpose their stance exudes.

One spits at me.

>>9596470

(Translator's Note - It appears the Abbott was allowed some form of autonomic movement as he dipped into the 'Dream' lands, he could write even as he slept. Whether this was but a quirk of the man or perhaps the work of a more insidious patron is up to debate)

The Powder granted me great powers over the lands of the dream and I used it to speed my way to the hidden court of Old Kings.

Here, unlike the rest of the Dream Lands, exude an alien quality. Pillars of unknown material frame a large darkened hall, the ceiling so far raised as to cause disbelief even in a dream. Surely, this were made to house larger creatures than I.

But at the end of the usually pitch black hall comes a fantastic light. And alien voices. I sneak closer.

I can hear the booming voices of arguing tongues, each in a language different and strange. Though they do not speak english, I find their dread tongue easy to understand. I find a dark alcove and began to note down their conversation, so I may better serve the Old Kings in days to come.

Crazy Hassan is not our invention, /tg/ he's been published:

I became so weary that I began to see visions of Baghdad. I longed for my old bed and was desperate for a real meal. And then I began wondering for the first time since I had marreid Sarbast what I was doing in Kurdistan in the middle of the night, sitting on a mule that did not even like me.

Finally, just when I thought I was going to drop off the mule like a stone, Crazy Hassan called a hald beside a small stream. He said, "We have passed a danger point. We can rest here for a while and then leave before dawn."

His words were the sweetest I had ever heard.

>>9592633
From the moment his outriders voxed “xenos on the western ridge!” Captain Assam of the 405th Tallarn knew he was doomed. His desert raiders were desperately trying to return to the main force to warn about a Tau incursion coming from the west, but it seemed his message would die with him. The kroot packs, he could see them now, seemed endless while his own meager forces had taken substantial loses and most were afoot, having lost both their Chimeras and their hardly desert horses.

As he gazed at what he thought would be the final enemy he would fight for the Emporer, a thought struck him. Didn’t kroot usually have more pronounced beaks? They weren’t usually that shade of brown… where were their weapons? Come to think of it, why were they on all fours instead of in the vague upright position of their subhumanity? And… was that a human at their head?

A human it was, and Assam gave the order to hold fire, not wanting to kill what might be a desert nomad like himself with what was clearly not kroot. Or maybe they were kroot. In the fine details of the things they certainly had the appearances of many kroot Assam had seen, but in the major detail they were…

>>9596685
that's clearly not the same man

for one the character telling the story was riding a mule, an obvious impossibility when having been in the presence of crazy hassan for any significant period of time


the crazy hassan in the story is just an imposter


(have you never seen people with the same name or something? it happens)

>>9596750
“Camels?”

“YES CAMELS! YOU WANT TRAVEL FAST, CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY HASSAN HAS CAMELS APLENTY! BIG CAMEL, SMALL CAMEL, SHORT CAMEL, TALL CAMEL CAMEL SPECIAL BRED FOR MOUNTAIN AND DESERT AND FOREST AND OCEAN! YOU WANT CAMEL TO TO SWIM? I CAN GIVE YOU CAMEL THAT FLY!”

“Now see here, what is the meaning of this, you are delaying a servant of the Emporer in his sacred-“

“YOU NEED GO FAST? I SELL YOU CAMELS! LOW LOW PRICES GUARANTEED, IF NOT SATISFIED, CASH BACK I GIVE!”

“You… want to sell us your-“

“DEAL! YOU HAVE CAMELS I HAVE SALE. AND REMEMBER, CRAAAAAAAAAAZY HASSAN HAS THE BEST CAMELS IN THE GALAXY. YOU NO LIKE, CASH BACK GUARANTEED”

And with that the crazed loon ran off into the desert, never to be seen by Assam again. The Tallarns, unsure of what to make of this, mounted up and delivered their message.

>>9596685

While Crazy Hassan petted Beauty, whispering sweet nothings no doubt, Sarbast struggled to help me to the ground.

It was not a night that encouraged aimless chatter. We gathered in a silent circle to share our simple fare. Crazy Hassan had packed fruit and nuts and Sarbast had bagged some Kurdish bread, bread that after being baked hardens like a cracker, but when sprinkeld with water becomes soft and edible. Kamaran took our bread to the stream and prepared it for us.

I are very little, then walked over to the stream to slurp cold water from a small puddle that had formed beside it. While I was drinking, Crazy Hassan and Beauty came up beside me to share the same puddle.

>>9596581

(Translator's Note - The voices have been given descriptive qualities by the Abbott but he later notes that despite their terrifying quality and overpowering presence their topic seems incredibly mundane and easy to understand, even to him)

The Soft Spoken - Why then have you summoned us here Great Sleeper?

Voice of Raging Fire - Yes! Why have you called us here, to this pathetic construct!

Voice of The Slumbering Sea - Wait then, fellows, and see what this man has to say. There is always more time for our plans but this man... he has spoken and I think we should listen.

The Crazy One - Ah! Is this on? Yes! Hello! I am always looking for new customers and the great tentacled one says you may be just such customers yes?

Voice of Raging Fire - Who is this human buffoon?

The Soft Spoken - This one, I know, he sells... camels?

The Crazy One - Yes! Camels! Sleeping and scheming all day in the dark Old Ones, not good for you yes? Need sunshine! Need exercise! Riding is best exercise! You need camels!

Translator's Note - What happens next is a maddening transcript of bargaining. The transcript defies belief in that the mad man not only sells camels to beings that exist in more than one dimension but that he manages to do so in great number. I dare not read the actual conversation, after transcribing the conversation Clementine was said to have been found raving in his quarters, utterly insane and with a new found obsession with camels.)

Too many stories going on at once, hard to keep track/

>>9596792

I stared for a startled moment at Beauty's open mouth and large teeth. Then I sighed noisily. I was beyond caring, so I scooped up another handful and drank greedily.

Sarbast guarded me while I squatted behind a small bush because Crazy Hassan had cautioned that we were in an area frequented by wild animals, mainly wolves and bears. After I told him that I was more worried about snakes and scorpions than bears, Sarbast watched for ground movement. Then Sarbast tenderly bundled me in my pink bedding, whispering that his Baghdad brind had made him proud, that I was so brave.

I went to Crazy Hassan's to use the bathroom, and left with a large Recreational Camel that had it's own bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen.

>>9596945

Sarbast reluctantly agreed that I could walk for a short distance before returning to Beauty's back. Crazy Hassan agreed, stating tat we would soon be at the base of Kandil and once we started that climb, his mule would need all his strength. My dread of climbing that mountain slowly shaped into a terrifying goal.

Delay marred the day's journey as Crazy Hassan constantly gestured for us to stop. We were still in teh area controlled by the Jahsh and government troops, and only he knew exactly where the government checkpoints were located. There were moments we were not even allowed to whisper, and if Hassan had his way, we would have ceased breathing altogether.

>>9597060

It was truly a miracle that we were not discovered. Crazy Hassan didn't make us feel and better wen he shared a few hair-raising tales about previous travelers who had been caught by the Hahsh. Those poor families had been separated, the men taken off to be excuted and the women sent to jail to endure horrors...

>>9597122


Our travel routine was simple: We moved forward. We stopped and listened. We moved forward again. We halted to listen. Only rarely did we stop for rest. Our biggest concern was that check-point locations had changed since Crazy Hassan's last trip through the area. A number of times we could actually hear the voices of our enemies through thick foliage. Those moments were the worst of all. If we were discovered, we would be executed. Unfortunately, we would almost ceratinly be tortured before being executed.

They say is you find one of Crazy Hassan's camels wandering alone in the wilderness and bring it back to him, he'll take it into his tent and bring it back out slightly less used and a quarter cheaper.

How could Crazy Hassan work in the Gamma World?

A crazy Hassan in the post apocalypse with mutant camels? theres plenty of deserts in Gamma World.

>>9597822
nope, pure camels, 100% radiation/mutation free

probably include anti-rad pills as a bonus offer for purchasing his camels

>>9592633
>no one else spotted Joe Cool in the first picture

no one else noticed that shit?

this shit makes me so happy. i start this thread right before i go to work, come back, and see this. thank you for this /tg/. thank you so much.

>>9597894

/tg/ loves Crazy Hassan. What more can I say?

>>9597913
my brother likes to give himself tattoos. im going to try and convice him to give himself hassan tonight. wish me luck /tg/.

>>9597860
HOLY SHIT

how is that possible.

His camels really are better than new used camels.

though how did camels and crazy hassan get all the way to post apocalyptic north america?

does he just go where needed?

>>9597955
he's crazy hassan, that's just what he does

are you going to question these great deals on slightly used camels?

>>9597880

I think it's more of a DAT ASS face.

Pic related.

Thread archived on sup/tg/ due to continuous epic writefaggotry. Will it reach the absurd upvote levels of the previous threads? Only time will tell.

>>9595389
I thought the ending was awesome.

I once went Crazy Hassan to sell one slightly used camel.

He bought it, and gave me such a good price that I could buy three slightly used camels from him.

I have dedicated my life to studying the varying civilizations of the desert lands, and in my studies I have come across a strange, indeed slightly disturbing commonality. Appearing in myths and legends from one end of the desert lands to the other, dating back to some of the earliest times on record, is a camel salesman whos name translates to some variation of "Crazy Hassan". Exactly what happens varies from legend to legend, but he always ends up selling someone a camel, claiming it is "better than new". So, I set out seeking the origin of this legend... I found more than I expected.

>>9601488

I ventured into the trackless wastes, going to the ruined cities mentioned in the earliest writings which mentioned Crazy Hassan. Unfortunately, upon the first night after our arrival at the site of Al-Gibreel, we were set upon by a sandstorm unlike anything we had ever seen. My group and I survived by taking shelter in one of the surviving structures, but upon emerging the following morning, we found that our camp had been destroyed, with almost everything in it. The horses that had trekked for hundreds of miles with us to this gods-forsaken ruin were nowhere to be seen. It looked like we were stranded, and most likely doomed. It was then that one of the local guides I had hired spotted something... a banner, hung over the doorway of what remained of a great temple... it read:
"CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM!"

>>9601691
>>9601488

F5F5

>>9601691
I met a traveler from an antique land, who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown and wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command tell that its sculptor well those passions read which yet survive stamped on these lifeless things, the hand that mocked them and the heart that fed. And on the pedestal these words appear: CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM!"

>>9601691

There it was, plain as day... Everyone saw it, and we were pretty sure it wasn't a mirage, since mirages aren't usually banners advertising "BETTER-THAN-NEW CAMELS AT LOWER-THAN-BARGAIN PRICES!". This was... strange. The banner wasn't there when we arrived, we'd been at the temple yesterday, and last night's storm would have made it physically impossible to travel under cover of night. The confusion was broken by a voice that belonged to nobody in the group, coming from the direction of the temple.

"WELCOME, GOOD FRIEND CUSTOMER, TO CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM!"

Startled, I looked to see where the voice was coming from. It was a dishevelled little man, turban wrapped around a fez, wide-opened eyes twinkling with some sort of strange madness, a wide grin filled with teeth that had probably never seen a dentist, wrapped head-to-toe in dirty brown garb that I could smell from 30 feet away... He matched the description of Crazy Hassan from the legends!

>>9601974

He walked out to greet us, bowing or shaking hands as appropriate, constantly talking.

"I SEE YOU GENTLEMEN ARE IN NEED OF CAMELS. EVERYONE NEEDS CAMELS, AND CRAZY HASSAN'S CAMELS CAN FILL EVERYONE'S NEEDS! COME, COME INSIDE AND I SHALL FIND THE RIGHT CAMELS FOR YOU!"

He ushered us into the temple, and I was even MORE stunned. He'd turned it into some sort of showroom, filled with camels! He brought me in front of camels, and I followed out of what I can only assume was some sort of dumbfounded "what-in-gods'-name-is-going-on-here"-ness. Crazy Hassan just kept talking, giving sales pitches for each of the camels. He brought me to a camel dressed up in a winter coat.

"POLAR CAMEL! GREAT FOR LONG TREK OVER ICY SNOWS! AH, BUT THIS IS NOT THE CAMEL FOR YOU."

Then, a camel wearing a swim-cap, goggles, swimfins and what looked like a gargantuan inflated inner tube wrapped around its body.

"AQUA CAMEL! NO NEED TO BRING WATER, CAMEL GOES THROUGH IT! BUT STILL, I SEE THIS IS NOT THE CAMEL FOR YOU."

Then a camel with, of all things, giant wooden wings strapped to its body!

"SKY CAMEL! YOU BUY TODAY, I THROW IN MAP OF CLOUDS FOR FREE!" It was at this point I recovered enough of my senses to try and get some sort of explanation.

>>9602302

"Now hold on just a minute here!" I shouted. "Just whom are you and how did you get here? We examined this place just yesterday, would have noticed a camel herd like yours if it were anywhere else, and the sandstorm last night means you couldn't have arrived then." He just smiled a crooked, knowing smile at me.

"Ah. Hassan has been here for longer than you know, has traveled farther than you have gone. Once sold many camel to Sultan of Al-Gibreel. Al-Shaitan spy poison his horses... Bah, camels better anyway." He reached into one of the pockets of his robe and pulled out something... "Sultan paid with this." He held it out... a necklace with a ruby the size of a human thumb, on an ornate gold chain. No mistake, this was one of the lost treasures of Al-Gibreel! He kept talking, anecdotes about former customers of his... Taken from the very legends I had studied, some of them from manuscripts that only had a single remaining copy! It was around the time that he asked if I wanted to meet his wife, after going through the legend of Malimot of Killik-kilik, that my skepticism finally broke.

"You... you ARE Crazy Hassan..." Questions flew from my mind, backing up in my throat in their mad rush to be asked first. I just stared, and Hassan gave that knowing smile again.

"Answers come free with Camel."

I'm going to have to make Crazy Hassan a recurring feature in games I run from now on.

Crazy Hassan provides transportation
Crazy Olaf provides weapons

>>9602302

Are there any subterranean camels? My dorfs had habit of bringing camels to live underground and live off mushrooms.

I really want to know if hassan had any part with this.

>>9602889
I already plan on stealing him for my campaign. Only he'll have to be a dragonborn, since dragonborn are basically jihadist Muslims in my world.

And he'll sell sand drakes, but still, he is crazy. He has a knife. Perhaps he will cut you with it, perhaps he will cut himself. But one thing is for certain: as long as he has that knife he will not be able to stop himself from SLASHING PRICES! CRAZY HASSAN GIVE YOU BEST OFFER ON SAND DRAKE! THROW IN KNIFE FOR FREE!

MY UNCLE FEZZEK TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY WHEN I WAS BUT A HATCHLING, WHICH MEANS MORE SAVINGS FOR YOU!

>>9602927
That should be Mad Olaf, crazy Olaf just doesn't sound right.

>>9603079

Of course! Hassan sell many camels to McUrist clan!

>>9603118

What are these underground camels?

Let's just say that I've only seen them in, rather global.. fontlike perspective.

>>9603169
DF really needs sandworms/graboids.

Mad Hazzan sound very much like Di'balah of the Dibbler clan from Discworld

>>9603292

Its Hassan you git. Hassan!

Hazzan is the Ork Squig merchant.

>>9603169
*brings out a camel in a miner's helmet with headlamp*

>>9603276
agreed.

>>9603292
mad hassan drove the dibbler clan out of the transportation business

I love the fluctuation in Crazy Hassan's size.

Its like he does what fits, and goes where needed.

Crazy Hassan is magical.

>>9603318
Nononono

Hes Inzane Hazzan

He seels humpsquigs

Fuck man I'm too tired to write I'll write one and post it tomorrow when I wake up deal?

No? Fuck you. Is camel.

I once went to Crazy Hassan's looking for a free camel. He had me sodomized by his camels and sent off into the desert naked. I bore a camel three months later.

Anyone saved that Dune story? Or the Assassin's Creed one that was posted this morning?

They poured out of the door, fleeing from the enraged den of loyalist scum and into a filthy alley filled with the grime and dirt of the city. The rest of the Changelings jumped out of the way as the ogre roared fiercely, grabbed a rusting trash container and smashed it in front of the door. At least that’d stop them getting to them through that route. The motley immediately turned and ran down the alley, fleeing as fast as they possibly could from the seedy club and the Gentry-serving bastards it contained. All they needed to do was get in the car and get the fu—

“Oh come on! What the hell is this crap?!” The summery Hunterheart was the first out of the narrow alley and on to the main street, watching their getaway vehicle get away, speeding down the street away from them with a smashed window and a whooping joy rider contained within. “Now, hang on, there has to be another way out of this mess!” The hot-headed Beast spat on the floor and shot the goblin Brewer a stony glare. He wouldn’t be soothed until they got the hell out of Dodge. He stared around angrily and smacked his crowbar against his palm, finally walking towards a parked SUV.

“Wait a minute; we can’t just steal someone’s car! They need that!” “Yeah, well we need it more! We’re as good as fucking dead if we don’t get out of here right now!” The fiery dogman growled his disapproval at the Elemental, a fucking flower of autumn who was trying to sooth him. The Gargantuan merely stood there and watched passively while the goblin covered his face with his palm and sighed, stepping back. Finally, the Woodblood retreated, a frown appearing on her lips as she watched the canine Changeling raise the crowbar and bring it smashing—

>>9606064
“CRRRAAAZY HASSAN HERE! YOU NEED TRANSPORT? CHEAP CAMEL! GIVE SOME DATES! BARGAIN!" The Hunterheart let out a bark of shock and suddenly stopped, turning to face a nearby garage door as it slammed open and a herd of big furry beasts the colour of sand galloped out, one of them carrying the strangest rider. He was a tall, dark man, probably of Middle Eastern origin, complete with a turban and even wearing a fucking fez on top of it. He flashed a friendly, charming and slightly deranged smile at the four Changelings, revealing a set of pearly white teeth that shone in the light of the street lamps.

“Who the fuck are you?!” Another snarl came from the aggressive dogman as he wrapped both fists around the crowbar, preparing to smash it into the stranger’s skull. However, he couldn’t help but jump yet again as the unhinged Asian bellowed at him cheerfully. “CRRRAAAZY HASSAN! YOU NEED GETAWAY CAR?! HAVE GETAWAY CAMEL! COMES WITH GETAWAY DATES! ONLY SLIGHTLY USED!” “But a car’s faster than a camel – hell, a fucking moped is faster than—“ “NOTHING IS FASTER THAN THE MAJESTIC BEAUTIFUL CAMEL! CAR NEED GAS! MOPED NEED GAS! CAMEL? JUST NEED DATES! TAKE CAMELS! TAKE DATES! ONLY SLIGHTLY USED!”

“What does he mean by used?” The flower woman frowned in concern and the Brewer simply grunted and shrugged. “It’s best if you don’t ask.” They all flinched as the door in the alley smashed against the trash container blocking it. The goblin cleared his throat and spoke up, although he shrank back almost immediately when the grinning head turned to face him. He couldn’t explain why, but that face-splitting smile was far more intimidating than any expression the Hunterheart could ever conjure. He rummaged in his pocket, producing a strange fruit that looked like a ruby red eggplant. “How much do you want for four camels? I’m afraid we don’t have much cash, only some special fruit we got from somewhere a while back and—“

>>9606052

>Dune
>Crazy Hassan

HOLY FUCK, this would be the best crossover ever.

>>9606072
The fruit was plucked out of his hand in a blur. “FRUIT GOOD ENOUGH! I TAKE FRUIT, YOU TAKE CAMELS! YOU TAKE DATES! GETAWAY CAMELS! GETAWAY DATES! ONLY SLIGHTLY USED! SAFE TRAVELS! MAY YOUR CAMELS BE FRESH AND PLENTIFUL!” One of the beasts was given a slap on the arse by the mad merchant before he rode his own beast of burden back into the garage. With an irate groan, the spanked camel charged the motley just as the trash container was forced out of the way and the door in the alley was shoved wide open. The entire herd followed and to stop themselves from being trampled, each of the Changelings had to hold on to a camel for dear life. Except for the ogre – he had to hold on to two. The loyalists could merely watch in disbelief as they watched the dust cloud of hooves and sandy fur retreat down the street.

“So, you managed to assassinate the loyalist leader?” The Hunterheart nodded grimly as he was interrogated by his employer hours after the incident, a delightful Muse of the Spring Court in a living room. “That we did.” “Good. You also stole their cache of Goblin Fruit?” “That we did.” “Excellent! You’ve done a wonderful job. I can’t see a single problem with the execution. Oh, except for one thing.” The dogman winced. “What would that be, ma’am?” With a scowl on her gorgeous face, the Fairest swept open a curtain covering a window, revealing the dozens of camels grazing in her garden. “WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS?!”

>>9606076
There's a thread yesterday. With Hassan trying to sell Camel to a group of Fremen. In the end he just give it away.

My dorfs have plagues of rare northern camels. Ever since Crazy Hassan started getting posted, I've stopped slaughtering them/chucking them in my deep empty moat and started selling them to the human traders.

>>9606052

I got them both (though the Assassin's Creed one is lame), but I'd rather not be reposting stuff. Original Content is much better than reposting shit all the time. Write something by yourself.

>>9606094

Hassan always gives stuff away. He's crazy, after all.

Bumpan

>>9606052
http://archive.easymodo.net/cgi-board.pl/tg/thread/S9587658

Everything is saved.
Everything.

>>9606223

Laughed so fucking hard when I read that

I'm easily amused. Here's Hassan as a Force 8 free spirit in Shadowrun 4. Where's he get the camels from? Creates them from thin air! Controls herds! Turns people into camels!

B A R S C I L W EDG ESS M INIT IP
9 8 10 6 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 18 2
Astral INIT/IP: 16, 3
Movement: 10/25
Skills 8: Assensing, Astral Combat, Dodge, Perception, Unarmed Combat, Sorcery Skill Group
Powers: Accident, Animal Control, Astral Form, Concealment, Confusion, Enhanced Senses (LOw-LIght, Thermographic Vision, Scent), Guard, Influence, Materialization, Sapience, Search, Wealth (Camels), Mutable Form, Regeneration,
Qualities: Magician, Banishing Resistance
Spells: Camel Form, Mind Probe, Influence, Animal Control, Camel Form (Other)
Metamagics: Anchoring, Quickening

>>9606260

Oh, with Incompetant (Negotiation) and Poor Self Control (Salesmanship, Camels).

I was in the market for a war charger when I came across Crazy Hassan's Slightly-Used Better-Than-New Camel Emporium. I don't remember what happened inside, but I walked out with a large camel with a full set of custom armor and a battle saddle. After counting my money, I found that I was slightly richer.

>>9606306
Okay, I'm making myself a namefag. I seem to kill good threads.

The Pod Race would take place tomorrow. Qui-Gon managed to throw the dice favourably - Anakin's victory would result in him being freed, and the greedy merchant would have to pay everything. It was a risky gamble - the Jedi master was betting the ship which brought them to the planet, and there was no other vessel that would take them to their destination if they lost it. But the young slave kid showed promise. That, he did.

They spend the night working on the pod racer. It was in a bad shape, barely working - fixing it hurt the Gungan (Anakin remarked that it finally shut him up and stopped him from messing around) and the final additions were worked close to the break of dawn. The plan had to work. It just had.

At the stadium, the vehicles were neatly lined-up. Jar-Jar thought he saw someone suspicious near Anakin's racer, bud Qui-Gon ignored him. The Gungan was obviously one of the most attention-deficit beings in the existance of the universe, and paying attention to him was like attempting to locate a neutrino. The light signals started counting down. The racers started the engines. The green light turned on. Everyone accelerated.

Suddenly, one of the engines on Anakin's racer exploded. Loudly. "Sabotage," thought the Jedi master. "Damn." The child was climbing out of the cabin which was already catching on fire. The plan failed. There would be no refunds. The racer was lost. The crowd was cheering loudly - nobody really cared for the least-favoured racer.Qui-Gon ran towards the child to see if he was hurt. He wasn't - but he was crying, perhaps out of guild or anger.

-next post-

>>9606306
>After counting my money, I found that I was slightly richer.

YOU ALWAYS RICHER WHEN YOU GO HOME WITH CAMEL!

>>9606436

He then saw a man, working through the crowd, trying to reach them. "HERE!!!" he yelled. "HERE, MISTER! YOU NEED RACE? YOU GET RACE! CRAZY HASSAN SELL YOU CAMEL! CAMEL WIN RACE!". He was followed by a large quadruped with a stupid look on its face. The man reached them and grinned. "TAKE CAMEL! STILL TIME! GIVE YOU DATES FOR REFRESHMENT! RACING CAMEL BETTER THAN VEHICLE." before Qui-Gon could reply, the madman picked up the child and put him on the camel. "What are you-" "HEEYAA!" yelled the strange man and hit the camel on its behind. It started running and reached amazing speed before fading out of the view.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Qui-Gon, confused out of his mind. "I CRAZY HASSAN! YOU HAVE NEED CAMEL, I GAVE CAMEL! NEED MORE CAMEL?". "This is a pod race," said Qui-Gon. "'Camel', or whatever that is, is an animal. It can't beat vehicles made for-" "WHO SAY CAMEL CAN'T BEAT? YOU? CAMEL FASTER THAN ANYTHING! SPECIAL RACING CAMEL, MONEY BACK IF NOT TRUE." The man was absurdly happy. The racers were passing the line, signalling the second lap. The camel has already beaten the last two racers. Its legs were moving in a blur. "SEE?" yelled the man. "SPECIAL CRAZY RACE CAMEL! HUNDREND PERCENT GUARANTEE! CHEAP AT TWICE THE PRICE"

"Speaking of price," said the Jedi, "We haven't paid you anything." "NO WORRY," said the man. "HAPPY CUSTOMER GOOD CUSTOMER! IS FINE!". He turned around and moved back into the crowd. "Who the hell are you?" yelled the Jedi. The voice yelled back: "CRRRRRRRRRRAZY SLIGHTLY USED CAMEL EMPORIUM! SAY TO FRIENDS!" The camel passed the finish line. The rest of the racers went through few minutes later.

>>9606436
>>9606450

Why am I not laughing?

>>9606472
No clue, I am. At least a 'wtf' chuckle.

>>9606436
>>9606450
They should just take it with them to Coruscant.

>>9606436
>>9606450

This is probably from the same guy who wrote Dune one.

That one was better.

Man, I have glanced at these threads for a few days now, but just suddenly I realized that this is my new favorite thing on /tg/.
I think it's because of the voice I read it in in my head. CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY HASSAN!

>>9606498
What you mean 'with'? Camel is space-camel! Get on, ride to planet! Too many people, not enough humps? No problem! Is strech-camel! Have man pull each end, more humps for more riders!

There once was man named Hassar
Though crazy, he sold not car
You buy animal
He sell you camel
His name you never will mar

CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAZY BUMP!

What would be good stats for d20 modern Crazy Hassan?

Crazy Hassan needs some pokemon crossover writefaggotry.

>>9608596

Immortality, instant teleport and a fuckton of charisma

>>9608609

Also, Conjure Camel (Permanent)

>>9608609
>>9608615
What level/rank would he be?

Class?

Guide to putting Crazy Hassan in your campaign:

-Teleportation - Whenever the players are stuck in the area with no transportation left but walking (also applies to space), Crazy Hassan will appear with 1 camel per person in need of transportation. He WILL appear, no matter how dangerous the journey to the place might be (through a dark void only passable with a special protective amulet that only the players have) or where the place is (a lake of magma). This brings us to the next point:

-Immortality - Crazy Hassan cannot be killed. The same goes for his camels, but only after they've been successfuly sold to the players. You could create a major plot point by making players find a means to kill Crazy Hassan - it inevitably fails.

-Camels - Crazy Hassan always comes with a herd of camels. They have a lifespan of 80 years (twice the normal camel lifespan) and are exceptionally well-prepared for the environment the players are in (desert, tundra, underwater, deep space, Wonka's Chocolate Factory).

>>9608756

-Sales - Crazy Hassan will always succesfully sell a camel to the customer. If the customer expresses that he does not wish to trade, he will just leave the camels with him. If the customer trades with Crazy Hassan, he will return more change than the money that was given. Also, Crazy Hassan will always throw in some bonuses - bags of dates, jackets, sunglasses and/or turbans.

-Appearance - Crazy Hassan wears a white desert robe, a turban and a fez on top of it. He has a long arab black beard and is pretty heavily sunburnt. He always walks barefooted. He has a typical middleeastern accent (think Borat or Hank Ishtar from Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series). He speaks broken english.

-Leaving - After Crazy Hassan conducts a trade, he will leave in the same direction he came from on his trusted camel steed called [LET'S DISCUSS THE NAME OF THE STEED NOW, SHALL WE?]. While leaving, he will yell something like "CRAZY HASSAN'S CRAZY SLIGHTLY-USED CAMEL EMPORIUM! SAY TO FRIENDS!" or some other form of advertisment. Yes, the shop is named CRAZY HASSAN'S [optional: CRAZY] SLIGHTLY USED CAMEL EMPORIUM.

>>9608756

>You could create a major plot point by making players find a means to kill Crazy Hassan - it inevitably fails.

THE CAMELBANE! CRAZY HASSAN'S ONLY WEAKNESS.
NOT!!!

>>9608836

Holy fuck I read that in Borat voice.

>>9608814
I vote 'Victor' it is to him that the spoils go

>>9608932

What about Ahmed? Something vaguely Arabic should work better.

Or just plain silly, like Snuggles.

Wha..whu..
Goddamn, I leave /tg/ for three days and come back to this. What the fuck is going on here? And where did that camel come from? It's trying to eat my monitor, goddamn.

>>9609012
WELCOME NEW AND VALUED CUSTOMER!

So I was playing Mount and Blade, and I realised something important: The Sarranids need camels.

>>9609012
AH, I SEE YOU GOT KRIEGER MODEL! VERY GOOD CHOICE, FRIEND!

>>9608946
Snuggles, I like it

>>9609060
THIS ONE? NOT FOR SALE. HAVE PLENTY OF OTHER SLIGHTLY-USED CAMELS, BETTER THAN NEW! SNUGGLES TOO WELL-USED, NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR VALUED CUSTOMER!

is Hassan immortal in the ageless sense? do his camels impart eternal youth to him or does he just keep going despite being a few thousand years old because he loves selling his camels?

>>9609337
Hassan is timeless. He is in all places, all times. Wherever and whenever he is needed, he is there.

>>9609337
He's not so much a person or a living being as he is the avatar of elemental camel.

>>9609337
Its because Hassan has always been and will always be. Time is is not important, but you know what is important? THESE LOW LOW PRICES ON CRAZY HASSAN'S SLIGHTLY USED CAMELS! BUY ONE CAMEL AND GET FREE BAG OF DATES!

>>9609375
YOU WANT CAMEL YES? I THINK YOU LIKE CAMEL. CAMEL WITH DATES YES! DATES AND CAMELS ARE GOOD, EAT DATES RIDE CAMEL. CRAZY HASSAN IS ALWAYS GOOD FOR CAMEL DATES. CAMELS EAT DATES IS GOOD FOR CAMEL. YOU EAT DATES TOO? DATES GOOD FOR YOU YES.

BUY CAMEL NOW!

Sell me a cybernetic assault camel, Hassan.

>>9609418
YOU STILL NO WANT CAMEL? BUY ONE CAMEL AND I WILL THROW IN A CAMEL FOR FREE. CAMEL RIDE ON TOP OF CAMEL. YOU HAVE DOUBLE SPEED AND POWER! YOU WILL BE TALK OF TOWN WHILE YOU ENJOY DATES!

>>9609446
YOU WANT A CAMEL WITH GUNS YES? I GIVE GOOD CAMELS. CAMELS WITH GUNS AND DATES. YOU GET CAMEL WITH DATES. BAGS OF DATES! DATES ARE AS GOOD AS GUNS. HERE DATES AND CAMELS. WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS NOW.

>>9609446
SEE CAMEL? IT AWESOME CYBERCAMEL! HAVE INSTALLED SHARP STICK ON TOP OF HEAD! UNSTOPPABLE WAR MACHINE! DEFEAT ENEMIES WITH EASE. IF BUY NOW I WILL THROW IN FREE BAG OF DATES!

Okay,okay...but why it haves a turnip stick upon it's ass?

>>9609526
IT IS CLUTCH MOST VALUED CUSTOMER! 6 SPEED CAMEL!

>>9609526
STORAGE SPACE.

>>9609457
HELLO FRIEND I HEARD YOU LIKE CAMEL SO WE PUT CAMEL IN YOUR CAMEL SO YOU CAN RIDE CAMEL WHILE YOU RIDE CAMEL.
GOOD DEAL YES? ONLY 5 DOLLAR FOR YOU MY FRIEND.

>>9609337
Hassan is, was, and shall be.

>>9614304
GREETINGS NEW AND VALUED CUSTOMER! I SEE YOU HAVE FINE HUMPS! I KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN MANY HUMPS IN MY DAY! YOU WANT CAMEL? BUY CAMEL AND GET FREE BAG OF DATES!

LIVE

CRAZY HASSAN IS DEEPLY SADDENED BY TG'S LACK OF CAMELS. EVERYONE NEED CAMELS, YES? CRAZY HASSAN SELL YOU SPECIAL GAMING CAMELS, BETTER THAN NEW!

I once went to the market to buy a camel from Crazy Hassen, but he was no where to be seen. No one knew where he had gone or when he'd return. Sullen, .I returned home camelless. To my shock and joy I found my front yard filled with camels. Crazy Hassen had known my birthday was coming and decided to give me an early surprise present.

WHY GIVE WIFE EARRINGS ON ANNIVERSARY? SURELY CAMEL MORE USEFUL? CRAZY HASSAN HAS EXCELLENT DEAL FOR MARRIED MAN!

Treasure map? No, Hassan will no give you treasure map. Hassan will sell you camel that knows location of every tomb in the trans-siberian plateau!
For you, 33 gold. Do not haggle, I will be grinding my children for camel-food at these prices.


Camel will want a share of treasure. Can cast Cure Light Wounds. Also Blinding Spittle.

Crazy Hassan is obviously a Rogue Trader, but is his profit factor high or low?

>>9619652
Low. Lower than you can possibly imagine, due to his CRAZY CRAZY PRICES! YOU SURELY CANNOT RESIST AN ADDITIONAL CAMEL AT THESE PRICES, WHAT WOULD THE CADIANS THINK IF YOU WERE TO ARRIVE WITHOUT A MIGHTY CAMEL STEED, VALUED CUSTOMER?

>>9615420
My god. A real-life Large Feline Collider.

Such is the power of Crazy Hassan, that even if I requsition a herd of camels via the Administratum, I'd still get my camels- only with greatcoats and gasmasks.

AT LOW, LOW PRICES!

I was going to use Crazy Hassan as an NPC, but then he sold me a camel that made an even better NPC

>>9619954
What... why?

>>9619974
YOU NEED CAMEL FOR MOON TRAVEL? CRAZY HASSAN GIVE YOU SPACE CAMEL!

>>9619974
You missed the part about "crazy" didn't you?

He sat in class, a hand clamping down on his forehead. His pencil was quivering in his right hand, as he shakily brought it down onto the paper. Several strokes later, and he had managed to scribble out a shaky math equation.

"What's X mean....what does it mean?" He murmured to himself, the equations dancing around the paper, seemingly taunting him.

Sighing, he turns his head to his right, Ging Bao, the smartest kid in school, sitting next to him. A simple peek would be all that it took to get him an A...

Somewhere on the fifth planet of Kal'Kosal;

The Enderi rounds the bend, unawares of what peculiarity awaits it. It's domed head turns, as to better position it's ocular functions towards the bend of the turn, moving forward, it misses it's chance to retreat, as the creature behind it quickly runs up from the shadows it's bare feet slapping against the smoothed stone.
"WELCOME TO HASSAN'S CAMEL EMPORIUM. WELCOME WELCOME! YOU LIKE CAMELS? GOOD! WE HAVE CAMELS. LOTS OF CAMELS! YOU WILL BUY CAMELS TODAY, NO REGRETS!"

The Enderi's forlimbs curl up in a defensive posture around it's mouth, scared and suprised at the humans sudden appearence. Humans are rare, but widespread, and commonly known as explorers and loners. The Enderi, curious as to why this human is here, and what he is doing presently lead the Enderi to follow the man to the wall, which shimmers as he looks at it. Chirping it's introduction, the Human ignores the creatures attempt at communciation.

"COME COME. I HAVE MANY CAMELS. ALL GOOD FOR YOU!"

Three to Four queeli later, the Enderi sits precariously upon the large, stubborn creature's humped back. It's saddlebags full of strange foodstuffs, curiously deposited there by the crazed Human. It looks back at the nook in the turn, the entrance to the emporium shimmering out of view as the motion sensor holographic emitters activate.

Curious indeed.

"You! You there! Want Camels? Extra cheap! Only half dead now, rest later!"

Crazy Hassan, intergalactic ambassador.

I sent my eldest son to purchase a Camel at Crazy Hassan's so that I could sell my dates at the market at Al-Haqib.

He came back four days with the camel riding him. The camel was also wearing his clothes and claimed it was my son.

>>9620065
Suddenly, time began to slow, coinciding with the emergence of a strange Arab man entering the classroom, a Fez placed atop his turban. A crazed look in his eye, he glances around the room, a large, toothy grin breaking out as eyes centered on the boy.

"HELLO!" He shouted, his voice showing no recognition for the walls surrounding him. "YOU DOING TEST? YOU NEED A CAMEL FOR THAT! COME WITH ME!"

Looking up at the Arab with horror, the boy shakes his head, his arms shaking uncontrollably. His legs, however, had become enchanted with the man, and they stood on their own accord.

Following the strange man out, he found himself in the midst of a large heard of camels, stationed right in the middle of the school ground. The man began to wander around in the herd, patting some camels on the snout, whispering sweet nothings to others.

"U-u-u-um....sir?" The boy said, his eyes still wide in horror.

"OH YES! HELLO BOY! WELCOME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL SHOP! YOU CAN USE A CAMEL, YES?"

>>9620257
"Um...no sir, I-I-I-i was just taking a test....but...."

"YOU DOING TEST! YOU NEED GOOD CAMEL FOR THAT, YES?"

"Well...no?"

"NO, YOU ALL USE A CAMEL! GOOD, SMART CAMEL YES? HELP ON TEST!"

"Wouldn't they see it?"

"NO! GOOD STEALTHY CAMEL, THEY NEVER SEE IT THERE!"

>>9620335
"I guess.....I guess I can look"

"GOOD! GOOD!" He shouts, his cries echoing throughout the courtyard. "HERE, TAKE THIS CAMEL! SHE GOOD FOR YOU, AND SHE COMES WITH THE JOB FOR THE EQUIPMENT!"

Handing him the reigns of the camel with a backpack taped on his hump, the boy turns his back to Hassan. His hands moist, he takes a single step forward, a sudden thought striking him.

"Sir, how will I pa-" He says, his mouth dropping as he turns. The courtyard was empty, no evidence of the heard that was just there, save for a single note on the ground in front of him. Picking it up, it read-

"THANK YOU MY FRIEND FOR PURCHASING THAT FINE CAMEL! SHE ONLY SLIGHTLY USED, AND SHE SERVE YOU WELL. I GIVE FOR FREE TO VALUED CUSTOMER, ONLY PAYMENT BE TO TELL FRIENDS ABOUT CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL SHOP!"

Camel.
Arctic Camel.
Aqua Camel.
Space Camel.
Stealth Camel.
Battle Camel.
Stretch Camel.
Speedy Camel.
Micro Camel.

...

I am so proud of you, /tg/.

>this thread

>>9620546

That guy must inject straight into his neck.

>>9620481
Quickly stuffing the note in his pocket, he makes his way to his class, gaining the occasional look of passerbys.Walking into the classroom, camel in toe, his teacher looks up at the boy, an incredulous look on his face.

"Boy! What are you doing outside of the classroom? And why do you have your backpack on a leash?" He says, leaving the boys mouth agape. "Get back to your seat and finish your test."

Walking back to his seat, he sits, the camel sitting down next to him. Picking up his pencil, he shakily begins to continue his test...

"HELLO BOY! I AM THE CAMEL, SPEAKING TO YOU TO HELP YOUR TEST!" A voice in his mind speaks. "THE FIRST ANSWER IS NEGATIVE i!"

Re-postan some of my stuff from the last thread:

A long rattle of autogun fire sounded as the Acolytes sprinted away. At the front was Marakh, the lithe assassin doing as he always did and running the fastest when trouble arrived. Close behind were Ganth and Stig, the scum and guardsman respectively. Coran, their tech-priest, lay dead in the street far behind them.

Shouts of rage came from all sides as the frenzied gang members and cultists drew ever nearer. Occasionally, as they rounded corners, they caught a glimpse of the front runners.

Their sprint seemed to be coming to a close as they came through a market. High buildings pinned them in on all sides but for where they entered, and a single alley gave them an exit. From the far end, near this alley, they heard a loud shout.

"Welcome, new and valued customers!"

>>9620623
In the midst of the chase, the shout was a surreal enough occurrence to stop their sprint. There was a rotund man wearing a round cap and a turban about it, his long beard touching his belt despite the smile that attempted to lift it up.

"Yes, welcome new customers! Crazy Hassan has just what you need! Camocks, only slightly used! Taken to Emperor's chapel only! Better quality than new, Crazy Hassan swears it!"

Ganth laughed quietly and approached as other men rounded the corners. "How about...four thrones for three camocks?" As he pulled out the coins, he eyed the long legged beasts indigenous to the world. A single hump on their back was fitted with a comfortable looking saddle, reigns already fitted to their mouths. Behind him, Stig and Marakh readied their weapons, the front runners coming into view in the market.

"Four...FOUR THRONES?" The smile on Hassan's face grew even wider and he ducked into his small stand, returning with a dozen water skins, all full. "You have graced Hassan with your business, friends! Take these with his blessing!"

They quickly mounted and rode off. As they exited the city, Ganth saw Hassan stand in the middle of the causeway before the slavering horde and heard him shout.

"Welcome, new and valued customers! I am Crazy Hassan, and I have a better than new camock for each and every one of you!"

>>9620611
>>"HELLO BOY! I AM THE CAMEL, SPEAKING TO YOU TO HELP YOUR TEST!" A voice in his mind speaks. "THE FIRST ANSWER IS NEGATIVE i!"

>>9620611
>>9620481
>>9620335
>>9620257
>>9620065

Did Crazy Hassan just help a kid pass an Algebra test?

So we were wanderin' through what was left of...I guess it used to be either California or Nevada. Enough Doomsayers around that it could have been either. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we were out on the dry flats. Not quite desert, but...dry. And fucking awful in all regards.

Our truck broke down for what must have been the third time, and this time the gas tank dropped off. We didn't have enough spook juice left to get...well, anywhere, but we thought there might be a group to come along. We had enough food and water that we figured we could wait it out.

God damn, we were wrong.

Even down to tight rations, we were going through the water too fast. Anyway...the witch with us was just a -little- too hopped up on whateverthefuck it was she kept in that skull, and she started yelling about seeing someone out in the sands.

We looked, but there was nobody. She just kept saying, "The camels! There are fucking camels out there!"

>>9620641
Truly, he does fit in any setting.

"Not even Chaos can say no, to my low, low prices! Come, ride a camel!'

>>9620646
We ignored it, but she just kept yelling about seeing it!

Eventually, I stuck my head out and looked around. Sure enough, where she was pointing, there was a huge white tent and a few dozen camels.

Now, at this point, we were all more than just a little bit unnerved. Firstly, this tent just came out of nowhere. Secondly, there were camels around it. CAMELS. We hadn't seen so much as a horned toad in a month, and here were a bunch of fucking CAMELS. I won't even go into the fact that they couldn't have been native to the area.

Collectively, we decided to go check it out. The witch is still babbling about the camels (the sun must have gotten to her) and now the Doomsayer riding with us is going a little nuts. I asked why, and he said that these things were completely free of radiation. COMPLETELY. That threw another dozen red flags up in front of me, but I didn't care. I wanted to know what the hell was going on.


We get within a dozen strides of the tent and this tiny little guy comes blasting out, dressed like fuckin' Lawrence of Arabia. Before we can so much as twitch, he's smiling and shouting at us.

>>9620653
"Welcome, new and valued customers! I am the one and only Craaaaaaaazy Hassan! My madness is your savings, as you will see on many of these fine slightlyusedbutinconditionsbetterthannew camels!"

He stood there smiling at us, but we must have looked like someone just hung naked pictures of our mothers in front of us. My only guess on that is that he came closer, still smiling. "Friends, friends, there is no need to look dismayed! Even if you have little to barter with, Crazy Hassan will have a deal for you!"

In something like a daze, we followed him around all of his camels as he rattled off information. "This is Al-Aziz! Yes, a good strong camel, only owned by a very tiny sikh. Never had much burden, but a strong will!" I couldn't tell. It was a goddamn camel.

"This one is Alibabba! I call him this because he is smart, but also crafty! Leave him tied loosely, and he will surely end up in your tent to share your space. Such a kidder he is!" He patted the camel's nose as he walked past. The thing just kept on chewing its cud.

Before Crazy Hassan could regale us about another camel (apparently born from a royal camel, or something), I cut him off.

"Listen, buddy, we just need four camels and some water. Can you set us up with that?"

The look on his face was one that still wakes me out of deep sleep to this day.

>>9620660
He was smiling so wide that I thought his face was gonna tear in half. Hell, the witch was cringing and I'm pretty sure she's spent time talking to demons.

Anyway...He gets all bouncy and laughs before pointing a finger at me. I flinched like he had drawn cold iron. "Friend...That is Hassan's deal of the week! You are lucky, friend, oh yesyesyes." He pulls the reigns from a few of the camels, including Alibabba and Al-Aziz, and shoves them into my hands. A minute later, he walks around with three -more- camels, all loaded down with kegs of water and some other stowage.

"See? Crazy Hassan always treats his valued customers with respect and gives them the best deals that he can, because YOU are Hassan's valued customers! Be sure to come back to Hassan for your future needs!"

The doomsayer opened his mouth to say something about trade, but Hassan waved a hand at him. "Bah, faddle, nonesense. You are friends to Hassan! These are gifts to friends, yes! You tell others of Hassan, and Hassan will call it even! Now travel well, esteemed and valued friendcustomers!" With that, the guy darted back into the tent. In the bags, there must have been five hundred rounds of mixed ammo and enough armor to replace what had gotten damaged on us. On top of that, we had enough water to reach the next city with plenty to spare.

I won't say much, but I know I've told everyone looking for a mount to look for a guy named Hassan. As crazy as he was...I'd hate to get on his wrong side by sending folks elsewhere.

>>9620651

"You say you like furry yes? I have furry camel! Fur, fur, FUR!"

>>9620689

The Beauty of the Oasis had beguiled you for days; every night, you saw her bathe under the shimmering moonlight. No matter how quietly you crept, she always heard you coming, and pulled on her clothes, her tight, wet clothing clinging to her sublime physique.

Finally, on the night of the Palm Moon, you devised a strategy, and waited under the surface of the water, breathing through a reed. Following the distorted glimmer of her form through the water, you silently glide over to her and pop out to catch a glimpse of the heavenly beauty - and are confronted face-to-face with a crazily grinning man, wielding a scimitar, and flanked by camels that appear to be rippling with muscle.

With a cackle, he speaks to you: 'So, my friend... I hear you are seeking the toe of the camel, yes?'

Staring at the imposing stranger, my voice stuck in my throat, as I prepared to be beheaded... and with a broad sweep of his hands, the stranger... grabbed me by the shoulder and led me to his tent where he sold me a half dozen camels, and gave me some excellent advice on how to meet women.

>>9620755

"That extra!"

>>9620546

>>9620762
Holy Fuckballs.

THIS IS AWESOME
sandwich.jpg
IT IS MADE OF WIN AND CAMEL

I once sold a camel to Crazy Hassan. He paid me in two, even larger camels.

i once crossed a desert without meeting crazy hassan at all

i immediately went to a temple and paid for remove curse

I married Crazy Hassen's favorite cousin years ago. On every occasion he gives us camels. That guy always knows just what I need.

Was looking to buy some Rough Riders the other day, when a strange man informed me that combining Tallarn and Mahud Raiders would work better.

My new goal in life- to create Tallarn Camel Cavalry. Anything less would be an insult to the great Prophet.


PS- You are now aware that General Hassan of C&C:Tiberian Sun is actually Crazy Hassan.

I was walking to Pripyat the other day when a strange man offer me a bloodsucking Camel.

Needless to say. I was dead.

Going to read the original thread, now...

It was fucking hot. It was always fucking hot in this fucking sandbox, except at night, when it was fucking cold.

At least it was a dry heat, unlike Louisiana.

"Rameriez, take point, we're oscar mike. Rameriez! Take out that machine gunner! Rameriez, do ever-- WHOA FUCK"

"WELCOME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM! CRAZY DEALS ON BETTER THAN NEW HARDLY USED CAMELS!"

"We're in the middle of a firefight! How did you get past our perimeter?"

"I SELL CAMELS AND YOU NEED CAMELS, YES?"

I squinted.

"That there is clearly a motorcycle."

"YES, MOTOR CAMEL VERY GOOD FOR GOING FAST, BUT IT TAKE TOO MANY DATES, IT IS EATING ME OUT OF TENT!"

"Sarge! That motorcycle just spat at me!"

"Secure that shit, Rameriez, motorcycles can't spit."

"I uh, got twenty bucks."

"MOTOR CAMELS FOR AN ENTIRE SQUAD FOR TWENTY DOLLAR? I WOULD SOONER CUT MY OWN THROAT THAN LET THEM GO FOR SO LITTLE!"

"Twenty dollars and fifty... two cents, this GPS receiver, and Sarge's M9."

"What, no, gimme that back."

"YOU STRIKE A HARD BARGAIN! IT IS A DEAL, HONORED CUSTOMER! TELL EVERYONE AT YOUR DIVISION ABOUT CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM!"

And he runs off, leaving me holding the reins to a motorcycle.

My eyes keep watering when I look at it directly, I must have gotten sand inside my goggles.

"All right, squad! We're oscar mike! I guess."

>>9628938

CoD and Crazy Hassan: two great tastes that taste great together!

>>9625286

That could not have been Crazy Hassan. All Crazy Hassan's slightly-used-better-than-new camels run on only pure water. Dirty water works too. Actually have survival camel just here, can drink any water and then go not 40 days without but 80. Swear on mothers-grave. Mother not dead though, sent her five camels last week. Anyway, have new eco-camel, only run on ethanol, but I see you need not that type. You wonder, what if camel run out and there is no ethanol? Well then take this camel, run on water AND ethanol.Both of them. At same time! It is CRAZY! Just like me!
But you no feel eco-friendly? No worries, have this SU-Camel, extra large, fit whole family and can comfortably travel anywher. Special price, only for you. I also throw in dates, dates good for you.

bumpan for camels.

>>9632592
Can I get a slightly oversized jacket as well?

I once went to Crazy Hassans and didn't get a camel.

I got THREE.

>>9635821

Of course! Anything for new and valued customer. Here, take this camping camel as well. Free of charge, almost too much used, but not by much. Gives shade in heat. Cover from rain. Fluffy warmth from cold. Camel for any occasion! Tell your friends!

>>9636033
I will Crazy Hassan....


I will.

i would like to buy a camel that can devide by zero, can Crazy Hassan supply one?

>>9636286

Yes he can. And when the universe ends, he'll be there on the other side, ready to sell nothing a slightly used, better than new camel

Standing atop a shifting pile of bones and rotten flesh, Sandwich jammed her armored forearm into the gnashing mouth of the skeletal bear. She grunted as its teeth clamped down, the steel of her gauntlet creaking audibly as it flexed menacingly into her flesh. Yet doing so gave her the opening she needed: digging her feet into the ground, she swung her hammer in a sweeping, overhead arc. The weapon flared with blue-white flames as it smashed the monster's thick spinal column. The skeleton collapsed to the ground with a loud clatter, a small cloud of bone-dust rising in its place.

"Ach! Aaahh, oww, SHIiii....shards!" She waved her free arm, the bear's jaws still clamped on her forearm. She went to the nearest marble pillar, swung her arm into it with a grunt. It took three blows before the skull finally shattered, releasing her left hand. She slid her hammer into its belt-loop, trying to adjust her dented gauntlet into a comfortable position--and then nearly leaped to the ceiling as a nasal, wheedling voice announced itself from the tunnel behind her.

"Ah, my paladin friend! I see you have no mount! How can a lovely dusky maiden such as yourself brave such depths without a trusty steed? Worry not, for Hassan shall provide!"

>>9636514

In a moment Sandy's hammer was clasped in both hands, as she backed warily away from the robed figure. "Who are ye? What're ye doin' here? How...how?!"

"Trouble not your pretty long-eared head, my friend! I am Hassan, purveyor of the finest camels in five continents and several lesser islands! You are paladin, yes? That means you must have a paladin steed! A noble beast, brave and swift of foot! Lucky for you I have such camels as you have never seen! Dungeon camels! YES! Such a thing as no beholder ever beheld!"

He gestured at a nearby...doorway, which had not been there before. Tent-flaps fluttered into the corridor. "Come inside! Yes! Enjoy a beverage with ice, or fine hookah-smoke, and I shall show you Hassan's Purebred Dungeon-Camel! I have bred for ten generations to make such a camel--it can see in the dark for fifty feet! Highly resistant to magical attack! Guaranteed not to step into traps, or your next Dungeon Camel is fifty gold less! FIFTY!"

His beard was flecked with saliva, like the strange and alien beasts that stood in the tent behind him. "The Dungeon Camel is spry and swift! It only spits on cursed magical artifacts, or hidden doorways! Okay, is little bit stupid but IT IS DUNGEON CAMEL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!"

And that is how--very briefly--Sandwich the Paladin came to ride a mighty, spitting camel on her quests.

>>9636760
>>9636514

I believe this demands new drawfaggotry.

???

>>9636760
I lol'd heartily