>It's a skateboard that can only be operated by a trained professional! It is not suitable for children.
Well shit

>It's a samurai sword that keeps drinks cold, plays light music and displays a slideshow of pictures.

AWESOME

>It's a business card that produces hot tea or coffee and fits in your pocket.
I am set. Fresh hot Tea and coffee, from a business card. I am set

>It's a samurai sword that vibrates and is rustproof.
Come at me bro.

It's a chocolate bar that can emulate a ZX Spectrum, doesn't need oiling and purifies water.

well alrighty then

>It's a samurai sword that's great for hammering in nails! It exists in five dimensions and detects evil.

>It's a teddybear that provides an RSS feed! It feeds your pets and has a leopardskin print.
Best fucking teddybear ever? I fucking want one.

>>13913687
>It's a samurai sword that vibrates and is rustproof.
So its handle has a stainless steel vibrator you can eject with a hidden switch, or something?

>>13913687
>vibroblade
Oh fuck you

>>13913687
long time ago in a galaxy far away

>It's a rubber fish that has a retro 70s design! It is monogrammed (up to three letters).

Heirloom? Also, fuck that movie. Most depressing post-apocalyptica ever. And that's saying something.

>It's an ornately-engraved sphere that lasts forever! It can help you lose weight and squirts clouds of black ink.
Sweet.

>It's a stick of chewing gum that inflates balloons and keeps track of your personal calendar.

...yay?

>It's a first-aid kit that's voice-activated and is made of rubber.

I can work with this...

>It's an alcoholic drink that improves blood clotting! It dissolves dirt and uses the Amazon API.

ill be drunk atleast

>flymence drough

>It's a toaster that's programmed against harming humans, is smaller than a matchbox and can pick locks.

everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpg

>>13913687
thats not a bad porno idea.... the quest of the vibrating katana

>>13913650
It's a suppository! It makes money fast!
>it better

>It's a key-ring that's audible only to dogs, looks like a pot-plant and operates on a quantum level.

...What? I mean. What?

>it's like a normal telephone, but it can be used by the whole family!

>industry ficlizu

>It's a wrapping paper! It looks bigger than it really is!
Well shit.

>It's an electric drill that operates on a quantum level and can move faster than the speed of light
Do I need electricity?

>It's a breakfast cereal that's ideal for the kitchen!
well shit

>It's a fishpond that follows you around!
Free water? Which I don't even have to carry!

>It's a marker pen that wears a waistcoat and tie, swears and produces hot tea or coffee.
Awwww yeah

>It's a waffle iron that gets +2 to kill undead, keeps your teeth clean and chirps and whistles.

>It's a handheld shoe-shiner that makes virtually no noise whatsoever! It can speak twelve languages.

Well...At least my shoes are shiny.

>It's a rubber fish that detects background radiation! It loves you as a person and connects to the web.
Awesome in a Post-Apocalyptic scenario

Design #1518707041

It's like a normal personal organiser, but it's perfectly safe to use.

IHAVENORACTIONFACETODESCRIBETHIS.jpg

>It's a suppository that spins about its axis, vibrates and is not suitable for children.

Wha- really? What the hell man? What the hell?

>Little hicuppr
Just stop captcha. You do not need to name it.

>It's a piece of string that operates on a quantum level!

I...Uh...

It's an artificial limb that hums incessantly! It can go from 0 to 60mph in three seconds and induces lucid dreaming.
>mixed feelings

>>13913839

>It's a unicycle that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones and counts your loose change.

FUCK YES

>It's like a normal contraceptive device, but it shoots laser beams.

Why would you do such a thing?

>>13913836
You sir have just won post apocalypse.

>It's a small plastic pyramid that can be controlled remotely and is transparent.
Uh... I think I lost.

>It's a rocket launcher that dispenses tea or coffee, is twenty feet tall and explodes when dropped.
Um. It's an exploding giant tea/coffee launcher?

>It's a T-shirt that doesn't take no for an answer, has velcro pads on the side and emits dangerous radiation.

COME AT ME BRO

>A toilet seat that folds out into a tent

Actually, that's surprisingly practical, assuming it's a decent tent.

Design #2278136535

>It's an answering machine that can heat a small house! It detects evil.

Looks like I win. During the day I wander around, using it to avoid cannibals and those who would steal it, and when I find shelter for the night I have a heat source.

It's a bicycle that increases my sex appeal!

I HAF WON ZE WASTELAND

>It's a business card that purifies water, is built and maintained by tiny nano-robots and believes itself to be self-aware.
Well, at least it's convenient.

>It's a razor that can be controlled remotely, freezes anything it touches and fetches help in the event of an emergency.
The only weapon I'll ever need.

>It's an armband that kills all known germs dead, kills ants and folds out into a tent.

Awesome, this is insanely handy.

>It's a wireless network device that loves you as a person! It weighs anything you put on top of it.

At least I won't be alone.

>>13913883

I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO USED THAT IMAGE

>It's a bicycle! It feeds your pets!

Good for travel and I will befriend the lowly and diseased creatures of the land by way of my feeding bike. Soon the land will know my name for I am the beastmaster.

>It's a business card that's only visible under ultraviolet light, fetches help in the event of an emergency and doesn't always work.
It's 50/50, I pretty much can't see it but it fetches help but doesn't always work.

Also captcha, what?

>>13913891
I FUCKING LOVE EXPLODING KNEES.


WHY IS IT FUNNY.

PROBABLY BECAUSE THAT KID IS A GODDAMNED BOSS.

>It's a blow-up doll that can bring down an elephant and catalogues its contents.

Well, that sounds like it should come in handy

>Design #3963879027
>It's a bar of soap! It will drive you insane!

At least I'll be clean. For a while.

>>13913780
THIS IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!

>Design #3352278362

>It's a gas-mask that holds up to twenty cigarettes!
GENTLEMEN

>It's a pair of trousers that runs on a single AA battery and tells you when people are lying

Probably by bursting into flames, I suppose.

>It's a skateboard that can move faster than the speed of light!
So, I'm just going to time travel. Later bitches!

>It's a unicycle that sticks to the skin and cures all known illnesses.

>mon visage quand

>It's like a normal breakfast cereal, but it's laced with vodka.

Someone has to fund this.

>It's like a normal T-shirt, but it's better than the last one

Well, that's nice

>It's a jetpack that sings comical songs! It folds out into a tent.
Holy shit! I've just won the wasteland.

>It's a hole-punch that doubles as a chainsaw and detects police sonar.

Mfw

>>It's a cardboard box that expands at the touch of a button! It induces lucid dreaming and doubles as a pager

It's a robotic dog! It cuts through stone as if it were butter!

>It's a rubber fish that never gets tired, can move faster than the speed of light and is powered by clockwork.

I shall fly into SPACE

It's a sock that destroys household pests and walks on three mechanical legs.

>>13913925
>mfw mon visage quand
Also, it's a security camera that secretes a sticky glue and is slightly hallucinogenic!
FREE DRUGS!

>It's a TV remote control that sings comical songs and detects harmful gases.

Well this kinda blo-
>detects harmful gases.

I'm good.

>It's a car that's made of solid gold! It can move faster than the speed of light and looks like a pot-plant.

STRAIGHT TO THE GODDAMNED MOON

Design #1962603724

It's a shoe-shiner that flies like a rocket!

What? I don't know of any object known as a shoe-shiner so I really don't know what this is. Can anyone explain? Whether it's useful or not is really something I can't determine right now.

>It's like a normal armband, but it can be used as a metal detector.
A metal detector armband?

That's... actually pretty handy. Assuming I'll be doing some scavenging myself.

rolled 1 = 1

Design #2450021919

It's a wristwatch that's bigger on the inside than the outside! It purifies water and kills ants.


Well, I, um... guess I'll never run out of drinking water. And dead ants.

>It's a sandwich-toaster that defies gravity, has adverts on the side and is bigger on the inside than the outside.

is a deluxe model toaster capable of toasting even the tallest sandwhiches should come in handy hauling some of my stuff instead of a shopping cart and should make a hefty bludgeon should i need it

>It's a fridge magnet that irons your shirts! It irons your shirts.
Well, duh.

>It's a contact lens that shoots laser beams and is also available in white.

>mfw

>It's a football! It works in the rain!

Wow. Great.

>It's a gas-mask that unblocks drains and is great for hammering in nails.

HOUSE REPAIRS, DONE VIA-HEADBUTTING
WITH MY TRUSTY...

>It's a pillow that loves you as a person! It is made of rubber.

MOEBLOB!

>It's a normal postage stamp but it pings when ready.

Erm. Ok.

>>13913979
It's obviously a brush with built in shoeshine dispenser. Useful for shining shoes.

>It's a WAP device that blocks UV light, displays pornography and can be programmed to perform simple tasks.

>It's a penknife! It affixes to any flat surface!

That's... er... real useful.

>It's a wristwatch that bounces up and down! It is slightly hallucinogenic and does away with household drudgery.

So, I have a trippy watch that bounces around and I don't have to do boring housework?
Can I have one now?

>It's a computer monitor that emits a constant high-frequency whine!

I have one of these already. I'm using it now.

>>13913650

>It's a wafer-thin plastic sheet that moulds to fit its user, repels bees and connects to a microwave.

Sounds like the perfect underwear to me. And repels bees! That´s always useful! Not sure about the microwave connectabillity though. Are there even microwaves still available for use?

>It's a deck of cards! It speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones!

Hell yes

>>13913984
Don't underestimate the importance of being able to get pure water. TONS of diseases are waterborne. Do you want to die of cholera?


>It's a kettle! It is completely waterproof!

I should think that would be an inherent trait of all kettles, really, but thanks for trying, I suppose?

>It's a window pane! It can play the trumpet!

Those pre-fallers were pretty crazy.

Design #2259029562

It's a towel that tells you when people are lying!

>It's a robotic dog!
OHHH
>It moulds vegetables!

but...we NEED what food we can get!

> It's a hairpiece that probably won't work

>It's a mousemat that can play Mornington Crescent! It traps small animals and has an alarm setting.
Nice. Free food, and depending on the ruleset, either hilarious fun or a reason for homicidal urges.

>It's a computer monitor that doesn't need batteries!

Perfect! Now I can...

>It runs on tapwater.

Fuck.

>It's a first-aid kit that can cook small meals! It uses the Amazon API.

mfw

>It's an ironing board that obeys simple instructions, can be controlled remotely and emits harmful gases.

WTF?!

>It's a fusebox that can be used to deter muggers!

:D

>It's a retinal implant that squirts clouds of black ink! It makes you invisible and runs on compressed air.

I just won the apocalypse with my godlike pneumatic ink spraying eye.

>>13913999
My face.

Also
>It's a necklace that's made of rubber!

It's a TV remote control that glows in the dark! It inflates balloons.
There will be a market for something like this?!

screw this Imma gonna go and eat children for as long as I can

Design #3599955883

It's a speaker system! It purifies water!
win.

>It's a human clone that helps around the home, costs less than a penny a day to run and increases your sex appeal.
Ka-ching!

>It's a shoe-shiner! It blocks UV light!

Fuck you guys, you just left the scrap.
Enjoy your skin cancer.

It's a greetings card that will drive you insane! It looks like a pot-plant.

i wonder if it has one of those jiggles then it can also lure in victims.

>It's a sheet of paper! It contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica!

Big paper or small font?

>It's an electronic implant that does the washing up and plays Nethack.
Better than expected.

>It's a towel! It keeps drinks cold!

Fuck your shit, I'm prepared for ANYTHING.

It's a robotic dog! It runs on six little wheels!

squall whatever.jpg

>It's a shoe-shiner that boosts self-confidence!

It seems useless, but somehow I'm still feeling pretty positive about this. Plus, look at these shiny-ass shoes!

>It's a lunchbox that catches fire very easily, is invisible to the naked eye and can be controlled by willpower alone.
What is this... I don't even...

>>It's a featureless cube that knows your name! It destroys household pests and can be controlled by willpower alone.

Not sure if win

>It's like a normal chainsaw, but it self-replicates.

Oh shit.

>It's a rocket launcher! It recharges itself at night!
>It's like a normal shoelace, but it can bring down an elephant.

It's a handgun that's not suitable for children, cannot be removed from your house and uses human blood for fuel.

>>13913650

>It's an electric drill that flashes at intervals! It makes popcorn and cannot be moved.
>cannot be moved

THEN I AM ITS ETERNAL GUARDIAN

THOSE WHO WISH TO TASTE THE THUNDER CORN MUST PROVE THEMSELVES TO ME

>>13914069
>It's a TV remote control that glows in the dark!

BRB WASTLAND, PATENT OFFICE

>It's a pair of sunglasses that can only be operated by a trained professional!

>It's an airbag! It inflates into a dinghy!
I'M ON A BOAT

Design #1524427835

It's a hat! It jumps like a frog!

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF USEFUL! IT JUST JUMPS OF MY HEAD EVERY TIME I TRY TO WEAR IT!

It's a tricycle that squeaks, shoots laser beams and can go from 0 to 60mph in three seconds.

Where's my bitches?

>It's a hammer that can speak twelve languages, dissolves dirt and keeps food fresh for up to eight weeks.

the fuck, I mean, its nice...

but what the fuck

>It's a robot that runs on a single AA battery! It wears a waistcoat and tie and can be controlled by willpower alone.

Screw you guys. Jeeves and I will crush this world.

A laser printer that picks up litter and has room for a christmas tree inside

With this I shall clean up the wastes! In a festive fashion!

>Its a chainsaw. It plays a mean game of GO and can help you lose weight!

All sugars have been removed. MANUALLY! WITH THIS!

I NEED TO LOOSE TWENTY MORE POUNDS, OR I'LL NEVER BE PRETTY!

>It's a recently discovered species of fish, but it's water resistant!

UNBELIEVABLE!

>It's a T-shirt that wears a waistcoat and tie and is water-resistant.

I am set.

It's a blender that communicates with other copies of itself! It can be used as a metal detector and traps mice in a humane fashion.
>blender
>trap mice in a humane fashion
I.... what?

>>It's a strain of bacteria that dissolves in water, mimics its user and purifies water.

Gent's I've just won the fucking wasteland

>>13914131
I've frequently not been on boats.

>It's like a normal riot shield, but it's two inches tall.

...FUCK

>It's a genetically-modified sheep! It is made of rubber!

I shall buy my way into still intact New Zealand and live out the rest of my days in relative safety!

>Design #3143515008
>It's a robotic dog that can pick up digital radio! It can move faster than the speed of light and detects background radiation.

All of you are fucked when I come at you.

Design #4039180441

It's a false moustache that rotates at high speed! It works at any altitude.

everyone go home, i just won the universe.

It's a robot that's solar-powered! It never gets tired and kills all known germs dead.

Sounds pretty good to me.

It's a rocket launcher that costs less than a penny a day to run and does the washing up.

I am now awesome

>It's a digital camera that won't make a hole in your wallet and displays pornography.

I am set for LIFE!

>>13914207
Damn, I wish I had a helicopter mustache.

>It's a genetically-modified sheep! It loves you as a person!

But I'm not Welsh...

> It's a rubber fish that fetches sticks, chirps and whistles and automatically avoids obstacles.
Welp. See you in the afterlife, boys.

>It's a knife that can be used by children!

....Okay.

>It's a chocolate bar that records everything you say and kills cockroaches.

It's a bugged twinkie? Hm... maybe if the private investigator gets more clientele, it'll be useful.

>Design #1279221100

>It's a bicycle that cuts through stone as if it were butter! It cures all known illnesses.

Shit yeah! I bike to the nearest mountain, carve a fortress out of it, and make a living from the offerings people bring me for healing!

>It's a crematorium that crushes ice and believes itself to be self-aware.

Okay so we just found this setting's villain

>It's a chocolate bar that works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect and hovers.

I have no idea what this means, but I'm a little scared of it.

>It's a tricycle that doesn't take no for an answer! It makes amusing belching noises.

Oh god! Help me! I'm being raped by a belching tricycle! IT'S RAPING ME!

>>13914246
>It's a piece of string that will make your rubber fish obsolete and can heat a small house.

HAHA, in your FACE!

>It's a knife that emits a constant high-frequency whine, is audible only to dogs and uses human blood for fuel.

I... what...

It's a towel that will drive you insane! It makes hilariously rude noises and is inflammable.

Well, at least I've got my towel.

>It's an artificial limb! It can bring down an elephant!

Punching raiders to death here I come.

>It's a breakfast cereal that disinfects work surfaces and sticks to the skin.
well, at least i'll taste good when they eat me.

>It's a feather duster that shoots laser beams!
hahaha Fuck all of you! I have a goddamn LASER DUSTER!!
and it goes perfectly with my
>featureless cube that detects evil and shoots laser beams.

I am the laser king.

>>13914126
FUUUCK I MADE YOU MAKE IT

FISSION MAILED!

>>13914297
IN SOVIET RUSSIA, CHOCOLATE BAR EAT YOU! And it also hovers. You're pretty much fucked.

>It's a rocket launcher that plays the theme from Steptoe and Son and anticipates your every move.

... Dun dun, ta! Dun, dun ta! I got this, guys.

>It's a screwdriver! It pushes things down staircases!

...Right on...

>>13914297
Chocolate is known to produce certain neurochemicals that emulate feelings of love when consumed. I guess you have a hovering chocolate bar that makes you feel generally disgusted with things.

>It's a bicycle that cannot be removed from your house, doesn't always work and may have harmful side effects.

This is fucking useless... and I don't even have a house!

>It's a unicycle! It works at any altitude!

FLYING UNICYCLE, OOOHHH YEAAAAAHHH!

>It's a contraceptive device! It contains alcohol!

Fetal Alcohol syndrome, much?

>It's a pair of underpants that cuts through stone as if it were butter!
Good lord.

>It's a deck of cards that looks like a fish, detects explosives and detects evil.

...Well, I'll be forewarned I guess. thanks to my fishdeck.

>It's a briefcase that explodes when dropped! It stays exactly where you leave it and hums incessantly.

HOW AM I GOING TO LEAVE IT ANYWHERE IF IT EXPLODES WHEN DROPPED.

>>13914384
Nope, it just works at any height, that doesn't mean it flies.

It's a blow-up doll that anticipates your every move and makes popcorn.

Bye women!

<Design #1182759659
>It's an eraser that disinfects work surfaces and weighs anything you put on top of it.

sounds vaugly usefull as firstaid supplies

>Design #1429181157
>It's a football! It fetches help in the event of an emergency!

possibly useful bit it all depends on who it gets to help and how far away they are

>Design #546581698
>It's like a normal banner advert, but it hangs upside-down from the ceiling

Well fuck. At least the water wont kill me.

>>13914406

Setting down and dropping are different actions.

>It's a bedside table that runs on a single AA battery! It sings comical songs and plays Nethack.

How will I ever sleep again... *sob*
Oh yeah, I could just toss it out the window.

Well, here I go again....
>It's a unicycle that has sleek curves, fits in your pocket and jumps like a frog.
This would be awesome, except that as far as I know, I cannot ride a unicycle for my life.

>It's a letter-opener that fits into the boot of a car and can be implanted into the arm.

Hey guise, I'll be like captain hook except I'm captain letter-opener. No-one can beat me in this acopalyptic world where I will open every mail sent!

>>13914447
or take out the battery

>It's a belt buckle! It blocks spam email!
I can only assume I am destined to die

Design #4029543920

It's like a normal pogo stick, but it cuts through stone as if it were butter.

That's right, me and my fellow pogo dwarves will delve deep, and create a new utopia under this wretched earth.

>Nuclear uscas

>It's a breathalyser! It catches fire very easily!

OH GOD MY FACE! IT BURNS!

>It's a handgun that can speak French!
Oh well thats fine and dandy. I have an annoying handgun.

>It's a handgun that's better than the last one!
wut

>It's a toaster that kills all known germs dead! It emits a constant high-frequency whine.

HA! Hygiene is very important considering basic services are gone.

>It's a personal organiser that displays pornography!
HOORAY!

>Design #32829859
>It's a Christmas tree! It is made entirely of wood!

>>13914526
So it's Hugh Heffner's PDA?

>It's a belt buckle that talks, plugs into the mains and fetches sticks.

... I'm going to be dragged crotch first after any sticks, aren't I?

>It's a jetpack that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones! It blocks spam email.
shit just got awesome

Design #3016758410

It's a letter-opener! It cuts through stone as if it were butter!

We letter opener dwarves will destroy your inferior stone cutting technology and create the true utopia.

>>13914573
meant to reply to >>13914483

>The man-que-lator is a contact lens that probably won't work! It makes you invisible and emits a powerful searchlight beam.

It's a postage stamp! It squirts clouds of black ink!

Well, I'm fucked.

It's a mobile phone that can run MAME roms and plays light music.


Fucking hell yeah, I will conquer /v/!

>It's a car that comes with its own storage kennel! It is designed by Terence Conran and fetches sticks.

So it's a dog... but it's a car? Awesome

>Design #862781334
>It's like a normal breathalyser, but it makes you invisible.

So do I have to be drunk to turn invisible, or what.

>>It's a strain of bacteria! It never needs repairing!

So some sort of a virus than can never be killed. It could be beneficial, maybe it boosts the immune system or it purifies water or makes gasoline out of shit but no matter what it's going to be festering around my body forever.

>It's a toilet seat that can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds!
So, a regular toilet seat?
I'm gonna die.

>It's a vacuum cleaner that cleans itself! It has a mind of its own.

FUCKING CHRIST
THESE THINGS ENDED THE WORLD
IT WAS THE VACUUM CLEANERS ALL ALONG

rolled 12 = 12

>It's a key-ring that can cook small meals, is solar-powered and kills cockroaches.

HAHAHA, FUCK YOU COCKROACHES

>It's like a normal golf club, but it never gets tired.

>It is a piece of chewing gum! It shoots lasers!

Mfw

>It's a suppository that encrypts all of its data! It lasts for up to a week and sticks to the skin.
They want to find my encoder? Joke is on them, it fits well in my ass.

Wouldnt it be nice if a setting had a race with that kind of technology?

Impressive but seemingly useless, superior yet weird as hell.

>It's a pudding that follows a target of your choice and communicates via Instant Messenger.

Maybe I can sell it to the Inquisition.

>It's like a normal towel, but it's water-absorbent.
...Well, guess I've got nothing to worry about now.

It's a wastepaper basket that connects to a belt buckle, is built and maintained by tiny nano-robots and squirts water.

If the water is fresh, then I am now the king of everything!

>It's an ornately-engraved sphere that picks up Radio Four, has a human brain inside and walks on three mechanical legs.
Fuck yeah. Me and my cyborg buddy are gonna patrol the wasteland.

um
>It's an answering machine that emits dangerous radiation! It repels bees and has been featured in Star Trek.
...

this topic

laughing so hard

>>It's a bicycle that plays light music! It increases your sex appeal and dispenses pills.

WELL HELLO, LADIES. CARE FOR A RIDE? HAVE A TIC-TACK...

>It's a games console that's rustproof, can move faster than the speed of light and pushes things down staircases.
FUCK YES
I SHALL CONQUER /v/

>It's a pillow! It repels bees!
I can finally sleep without fear.

>It's a pair of sunglasses that doubles as a laser-printer! It pings when it's ready.

Wow, fuck, I hope it has a warning on it or something.

Unless it shoots out the front, then I'll be all like BAHAHA I AM CYCLOPS

>It's a security camera that receives data from any nearby suppository, sweeps away dust and will not work outside of the UK.

Wtf!

Oh...oh GOD, NO!
>It's like a normal suppository, but it's actually just a solid block of plastic.

>It's a necklace that pings when it's ready and loves children.
It's on load from Pedobear.

>It's a car that hovers three feet from the ground, loves children and can disable electrical hardware.
Oh fuck yes.

Oh man, this is crazier than the 'terrible corssover fanfiction idea generator.'

>It's an airbag that's biodegradable! It hovers three feet from the ground and hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet.
THIS IS TRUSTWORTHY

>>13914822

>>13914806
It's a credit card! It makes you invisible!

..... I think I won.

rolled 18 = 18

>It's a carpet that costs less than £20! It repels bees and shreds documents.
Repels bees and shreds documents? For under £20?

>It's like a pillow except it shoots laser beams.
...
...
...
JAWESOME

>It's a pillow that's made of rubber!

Alright, third time's the charm.....
>It's a personal organiser! It is inflammable!
>justshootmenow.jpg

>It's like a normal credit card, but it has a built-in calculator.

Well, at least the calculator will be useful in this post apocalyptic world.

>It's a shoe-shiner that makes virtually no noise whatsoever! It affixes to any flat surface and can pick locks.

>It's a blender that's made of rubber! It is made entirely of wood.

ummm... what?

>>13914889
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speed_cushion

>It's a T-shirt that destroys household pests! It works in the rain and speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones.

I think I love it

It's a cigarette lighter that counts your loose change! It wears a waistcoat and tie and can move faster than the speed of light.

Styling on every single one of you.

>Warhammer 40K is like a normal briefcase, but it glows with an eerie green light.

Hmm.

It's a shoe-shiner that traps small animals, uses human blood for fuel and displays pornography.
justasplanned.jpg

>It's a fork that exists in five dimensions, soothes babies and removes stubborn stains.

...um.

>>13914924
lol

>It's a bubble-car that emits a powerful searchlight beam! It is designed by Terence Conran and speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones.

Oh hell yes, I have the post-apocalyptic Darth-car

Oh my God.

>The Drilldo is a chainsaw that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones! It affixes to any flat surface and is used by the US military.

Oh my GOD.

Another lame thread with a randomized doodad to give you a silly item?
>Reads replies
Fine, I'll bite. Probably get something asinine.

>It's a teddybear that cuts through stone as if it were butter, is powered by a single hamster and believes itself to be self-aware.

A hamster-powered teddy golem with super cutting powers?

>mfw

>It's a beermat that can move faster than the speed of light! It is water-absorbent and rotates at high speed.

Step 1: Place beermat into water until it can no longer absorb fluids.

Step 2: Begin rotating beermat allowing it to reach >C velocities.

Step 3: Water droplets begin being flung out at relativistic speeds, causing more damage than my puny mind can calculate.

Step 4: ...I am become death destroyer of worlds...

That or I have the most deadly coaster/ninja star ever beheld by man.

It's a beermat that connects to the Internet and produces pure oxygen.

It's like a normal hat, but it cuts through stone as if it were butter.

Seems that someone looted that 007 museum after the fall...

>It's a car that's laced with vodka! It can be programmed to perform simple tasks and detects background radiation.

So a normal ukranian car?

>>13914956

Paged drawfag to the above post, paging drawfag.

>It's a barcode reader that catalogues its contents!
So basically I have a barcode reader.

Design #3370314474

It's an artificial limb that can be programmed to perform simple tasks!

01000111 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011

>It's like a normal hammer, but it shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.
Fuck yes, i'm set.

I'm stylin' on you ALL
>It's a pair of sunglasses that soothes babies, flashes at intervals and can run MAME roms.

>It's a golf club that speaks randomly-generated sentences! It gets +2 to kill undead and moulds vegetables.
I hope to god this is a zombie apocalypse

...Huh.
>It's a blow-up doll that loves children, contains alcohol and detects evil.
This...could be bad...

>Design #1431859609
>It's a blow-up doll that runs on tapwater! It automatically updates your weblog when used.

Why would you do that?

>It's a riot shield that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones and makes hilariously rude noises.

I'm in love

>It's a shoelace! It can bring down an elephant!
I hope I'm in africa when shit goes down.

It's a golf club that wears a waistcoat and tie, speaks randomly-generated sentences and is made of solid gold.

It's one hell of a stylish motherfucker, useless but with style.

>It's a stereo system! It has a million household uses!
Awww yeah.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yvEYKRF5IA

>>13915029
>>13915025
Blow-up doll-mind


>It's like a normal rocket launcher, but it catches spiders.
So, uh

>It's a contact lens! It emits harmful gases!
Maybe I can trick people into wearing it?

>It's a robot that's made of rubber and is made entirely of wood.

I have paradox in my hands.

>It's a robotic dog that repairs itself! It catches fire very easily and is made of solid gold.
Go, flaming golden robot dog! Destroy my enemies!

>It's like a normal towel, but it's transparent.
wat...

>It's a handgun! It displays pornography!
MANLIEST DEVICE IN THE UNIVERSE

>It's a crematorium that traps small animals, displays a slideshow of pictures and runs on compressed air.

Well at least I can use it to catch and cook my meals

It's a hole-punch that uses human blood for fuel! It can play chess and is made of rubber.

KHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORNE

Okay trying this again
>Its a pogo stick but it emits heat!
...now I have two.

>It's like a normal T-shirt, but it's invisible to the naked eye.
I feel like harry potter

>It's a bathtub that increases your sex appeal!

Awww yeah

>It's a postage stamp that's solar-powered, craves attention and purifies water.

You jelly dehydratedfags?

>>13915099
FUCK YEAR!

>It's like a normal retinal implant, but it dispenses tea or coffee.

whattheshittingdicks.tff

>It's a refrigerator that cannot be moved! It remembers all of its past actions.

YE WHO SEEK TO ASK THE REFRIGERATOR WHEN THE MILK WENT BAD. YOU MUST FIRST PAST BY ME!

>>13915043
>This suggests otherwise, Boromir.

>It's a pair of underpants that squirts clouds of black ink!
Now it'll constantly look like I shit myself

>It's a CD-rom! It is actually just a solid block of plastic!
fuck

>It's a suppository that has an alarm setting! It can speak twelve languages.
Why do I keep getting suppositories

>It's a bar of soap! It speaks randomly-generated sentences!
Well this website is now obsolete...

>It's like a normal artificial limb, but it defies gravity.
You are all small time

>It's a newly-discovered breed of fish that feeds your pets! It is completely waterproof.
>fish
>waterproof

>It's a fizzy drink that crushes ice! It swears.
That's awesome. Not so useful after the apocalypse though.

> It's a mobile phone that cures all known illnesses! It cuts through stone as if it were butter.

Dude, that's fukken awesome!11

>It's a shower head that waters your plants, hangs upside-down from the ceiling and produces hot tea or coffee.

Mm, tea. On the other hand, pretty fucking useless for actually showering.

>It's a cricket bat that cures all known illnesses!

So I'm a TV evangelist. THWACK, "YOU ARE HEALED", move along.

Design #1101118069

It's a suppository that has room for a riot shield inside and emits harmful gases.

>It's a letterbox that plugs into your pudding!

>mfw

>It's an explosive device! It has a million household uses!

Cool beans

> It's like a normal bathtub, but it can speak French.

OH GOD NOOOO!!!!!

>>13915240
meanwhileinpostapocjapan.jpg

>It's a gas-mask! It has been blessed by a priest!

Plus

>It's a shower head that produces pure oxygen! It costs less than £20 and unblocks drains.

A bit of tinkering and no vile (or unholy) atmosphere is scary any more!

>It's a handgun! It has velcro pads on the side!
TACTICOOL

>It's like a normal pair of trousers, but it doesn't need batteries.
Thank god

>>13915257

>>13915280
>LOLOLOLOLOL JAPAN IS CRAZY GUYS AMIRITE

>It's an electric drill that doesn't always work!

MY FUCKING LUCK

>It's a pot plant. It kills cockroaches.

Nice to have.

>It's a robotic dog that scares dogs and plays Nethack.

Truly mans best friend.

>It's a CD-rom that has an on-board dictionary and keeps drinks cold.

Great! If I had something that could read CDs, that is.

>It's a computer monitor that's slightly hallucinogenic! It floats in water and exists in five dimensions.
I'M TRIPPING BALLS

>>13915293
Butthurt weeaboo detected.

Anyways, here's try #4....
>It's a hair gel that exists in five dimensions! It can be used by several people at once.

My sanity, I have lost it.

>It's a parachute that keeps you warm at night, is two inches tall and induces lucid dreaming.

It might actually keep me sane!

>It's a samurai sword that helps around the home!

I AM Samurai Jack.

>It's a newspaper that makes virtually no noise whatsoever, catches fire very easily and folds out into a tent.
I'll take 20

>>13915326
Unfunny faggot detected.

>It's like a normal human clone, but it rotates at high speed.
How amusing!

>It's a button-badge that bleeps when you whistle for it! It follows you around and traps mice in a humane fashion.

Fuuuuuuuuck yes

>It's like a normal rocket launcher, but it improves upper-body muscle.

>>It's a suppository that freezes anything it touches and doesn't take no for an answer.

DO NOT WANT.

>It's a business card that can disable electrical hardware, uses captured Martian technology and keeps drinks hot.
I guess I'm part of the Brotherhood of Steel?

>It's a hammer that fetches sticks!

I throw a stick at an enemy. Hilarity ensues.

>It's a hairpiece that looks like a pot-plant! It records everything you say and sounds better than it looks.

AND I SHALL RULE MY ENEMIES!

>>13915380

>>13915380
Fucking lol

>It's a headband that's laced with vodka! It has sleek curves.

Sexxxxy boy, come here~

Design #2025531481

It's a parachute that helps the medicine go down!

>>It's a contact lens! It destroys household pests!
Hopefully by shooting bullets or rockets or lasers or something.

>It's a samurai sword that tells the time, detects harmful gases and catches small fish.

I'll never run out of food, and I'll never be late! Great!
Oh, and I'll warned that I'm dying. Even better.

>It's a retinal implant that plays the theme from Steptoe and Son and can bring down an elephant.
So I get a massively powerful weapon built into my face at the cost of being annoyed? Im ok with this.

>It's a baseball cap that's smaller than a matchbox!

Another time, baby.
It was my destiny to die from the very start...

>It's like a normal digital camera, but it's great for hammering nails!

Great. I got a digital camera from 2001.

>It's an artificial limb that's powered by clockwork! It obeys simple instructions and can be used in zero-gravity.

pic related

>It's a burger carton that stays sharp forever! It dehumidifies the air and can light cigarettes.

lol wut

>It's an alcoholic drink that's powered by clockwork! It contains alcohol and obeys simple instructions.

Obviously I'm in the DF world after the end. The dorfs have made booze-mechanisms that can follow commands.

>It's a burger carton that sweeps away dust, is twenty feet tall and shoots laser beams.

Imagine. This thing...versus the A-Team.
This is playing in the background.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-11s1rWrH9o

It's a towel that dispenses tea or coffee, dissolves dirt and self-replicates.

>>13915380

>>13915284
fuck Holy Water... you can make HOLY AIR

>It's a refrigerator that lasts forever, plays light music and is solar-powered.

Wow, something that's actually useful. Now, how to move it...

>It's a first-aid kit that's water-resistant! It loves you as a person.
So, a fairly helpful Companion Cube. I could live with this.

>>13914781
How would a laser-printer be anything like Cyclops? Do you even know what a laser-printer is, bro?

>It's a handheld feather duster that tastes delicious and keeps your teeth clean.
Gonna have the shiniest teeth in the post apocalyptic world.

Reading this thread is a good abdominal workout.

>>13915671

I know, my cheeks hurt too.

>It's a pair of sunglasses that emits thick black smoke! It can be used in zero-gravity.
Awww hell

It's a newly-discovered breed of fish that repairs itself! It runs on tapwater.

>It's a football that can pick up digital radio! It inflates into a dinghy.
GHOST-RIDE THE WHIP
GHOST-RIDE THE WHIP

>It's a sock that uses human blood for fuel!
Blood for the blood god! Socks for the sock throne!

>It's a hammer that's only visible under ultraviolet light and comes with its own storage kennel.

It's a blow up doll that can light cigarettes and encrypts all it's data.

...
Shuweet.

You know, I almost think this should be archived, but the point of archival is to preserve things that will never happen again, and this is being done my a random generator that anyone can use whenever they want. Also,
>It's a blow-up doll! It tastes delicious!

>It's a fork that connects to the web!

Well, if I can find a fork-monitor cable, then I can access all the information I'll ever need.

>It's a false moustache that hangs upside-down from the ceiling, keeps your teeth clean and is powered by clockwork.

I am ready for the end. But is the end ready for me?

Oh dear
>It's a pair of trousers that cuts through stone as if it were butter, tells you when it's ready and uses human blood for fuel.

Damnit, I'm laughing too hard. I grant you an hour or two.

>It's a deck of cards that can be controlled by willpower alone, scans its user's fingerprints and folds away when not in use.
I may not have won the post-apocalypse but I win every card game ever.

>It's a cardboard box that emits harmful gases, costs less than £20 and is made from recycled cardboard.

YAY! A regular cardboard box full of shit.

second try:
>It's an answering machine that flashes at intervals!

..oh joy

>It's a DVD player that tastes delicious! It shoots laser beams and can be bolted onto an electronic implant.

I just won the game

>a belt buckle. It is two inches long/
..Well fuck!
I demand a reroll!
>It's a coffee cup! It keeps food warm!
...

>It's a glass bead that does exactly what it says on the tin and contains a tinier version of itself.

oh joy I get the novelty item

>It's like a normal shower head, but it hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet.


so we know how the apocalypse happened

rise of the shower heads

>It's a button-badge that quacks like a duck! It uses human blood for fuel and never gets tired.

BLOOD FOR THE QUACK BADGE!

>It's a briefcase that shoots laser beams, jams mobile phone frequencies and can be bolted onto a wrapping paper.

FUCK YES!

>It's an iMac! It costs less than £20!

BLASPHEMY

>It's a blow-up doll! It increases your sex appeal!
I thought it usually worked the other way.

>It's a lunchbox that turns your lights on and off and has a built-in motion sensor.

Still screwed.
Although it can make me a breakfast when I get up from my bed.

>can entaxise
nope, captcha, I can't entaxise it.

>It's a pair of sunglasses that fits in your pocket! It has sleek curves.

>It's a sock that blocks UV light, can be used as a metal detector and can bring down an elephant.
So apparently I can search for buried treasure, kick with unbelievable force and never have to worry about being sunburnt? I'm all set then.

>It's a chainsaw that's voice-activated! It plays a selection of current chart hits and uses human blood for fuel.

Sweet, I can listen to music and sing along while I gruesomely slaughter people!

>It's a blow-up doll that helps around the home, sends and receives faxes and cures all known illnesses.

Guess that could work.

>It's a bracelet that expands at the touch of a button! It is perfectly safe to use.
GOOD TO HAVE I SUPPOSE

>It's a suitcase! It knows what you want before you do!

Welp, I win. I have the Luggage.

Bump. :3

>It's a fridge magnet that can extinguish fires! It makes you invisible and makes popcorn.


this.........could actually come in REALLY handy.

>It's a rocket launcher that responds to temperature changes and defies gravity.

>It's a genetically-modified sheep that contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica, is used by the US military and plugs into your bracelet.

This is insanely useful.

>It's a blow-up doll that glows at night! It talks and has no sharp edges.

At least when I'm lamenting my loneliness in the woods at night, all sorts of predators will be able to see exactly where I am.

>It's a gas-mask that has a human brain inside and can be assembled from common household parts.

Quite useful.

Design #3733183013

It's an alcoholic drink that shoots laser beams! It feeds your pets and detects evil.

So...what happens if I drink it?

>Hint: suiroce
I don't know if I want to know what that might imply, captcha.

>It's a pair of shoes that detects background radiation! It inflates into a dinghy.
Useful enough, I'd say.

>It's a glass bead that can run MAME roms, stays exactly where you leave it and obeys simple instructions.
I can see the use in this.

>It's like a normal penknife, but it keeps children amused.

>So much shit in this thread with lasers

Simmons: How do we pay her, we don't even have any money. We don't even know what money is in the future.
Grif: Yeah, they could have shells, or laser beams for currency.
Simmons: Laser beams?
Grif: Hyeah. That would be the coolest wallet ever.

>It's a games console! It kills all known germs dead!

Well this should be quite helpful