Physics doesn't work in D&D unless it's specifically included in the rules.

B-b-but, what about terminal velocity issues?

BE MY DM

>>18722470
Sucked out all the air.

Well that certainly is something.

>>18722470
Terminal velocity is the point at which you cease accelerating, as you're travelling at such a speed that whatever you're moving through provides enough resistance to cancel out acceleration.

If you're moving through vacuum, there is no resistance.

This is similar to the Meteor Drop idea using the Ring Gates magical item and a speck of dust within a vacuum, though this is on a larger scale and requires an entire demiplane and an orb of annihilation to achieve rather than a couple of magic and mundane items.

More importantly, it's an attempt to mix physics with D&D, which is kind of like mixing tuna with strawberry Quik.

Where do you get your funding, and how do I contribute?

>>18722519
>which is kind of like mixing tuna with strawberry Quik

Delicious?

>Physics doesn't work in D&D unless it's specifically included in the rules.

Hello, Cave Johnson Here.
Recently I've been approached by some investors claiming that Large Rat Collider would make for a great weapon.
Let me tell you this: We are not selling weapons here, we're doing science.
At least as long as it constantly tears holes in the reality.
Cave Johnson, we're done here

>>18722537
Physics doesn't work in D&D unless it collides with Cave Johnson.

It's not a part of the test. It's asbestos.

Science isn't about why? Science is about why not!

>>18722451
But wait, Cave. You said that the Demiplane of Fall is timeless. But you want to find a plane with a faster flow of time.
Where will you then take energy to sustain the entry portal?
Also, for increasing the speeds, why not look for a similar Demiplane, but with higher gravity?

Is Cave Johnson /tg/ ?

>>18722645
Is /tg/ Aperture Science?

Well, he would like WH40k at first... but them he would learn about Mechanicus and their approach to innovations and throw the book into the trashbin.

>>18722650
Is the pope a bear?

>>18722658
Does the pope shit in the woods?

>>18722663
Yes because he is a bear.

>>18722644
We are not banging rocks together here, we know how to change a flow of time.
If you love simple science so much why not marry it, huh?

>>18722686
Then Cave Johnson is /tg/

>>18722710
GlaDOS is deep rot?

>>18722712
GLaDOS is an awakened housecat

>>18722712
The point is, if we can store spells in rat skulls, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality in skeletons? So, I have the engineers figuring that one out now. Brain mapping, artificial intelligence, we should have been working on it 30 years ago. I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everyone hears it 100 times a day: if I die before you people can pour me into Deep Rot, I want Caroline to run this place. Now she'll argue, she'll say she can't - she's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my Deep Rot, I don't care.

>>18722719
>my sides are moving on their own!

Cave Johnson here!
Dying isn’t a concern for Aperture Cartel, hell, it’s the basis of most of the science we do here. The main problem is the various astral embodiments of death who get their panties in a twist and try to disrupt our experiments, so the robe boys have been seeking out alternatives that don’t get all manners of clerics brandishing holy symbols bursting through our front door.
Unfortunately test subject, you’re not here to be made immortal. No sir, you my adventurer friend are already immortal through your valiant deeds and the many stories told about you! You’re here to get rid of one of our previous test subjects. Turns out some people just can’t handle having their immortal souls sealed inside a suit of armor.
Cave Johnson, we’re done here.

>This. Fucking. Thread.

I fucking love Cave Johnson threads. Give me more.

>> 18722986
I was around for the first of these threads when portal 2 came out... Got 5717 words of pure Cave Johnson.

Cave Johnson here.

Introducing the Aperture Trade Cartel Handheld Dimensional Doorway Device! Lemme tell you, this thing is a beauty. Our Artificers have been working on this sucker for the last two decades, and it is NOT easy to duplicate without our specific brand of know-how. Those bastards over on the Obsidian Mesa can eat a di-oh, right, the device.

Well, first of all, that casing is built out of solid, enchanted wood. It takes one whole sentient, magical living tree to whittle it down enough to make the proper casing. Needless to say we may have terrified the only tribe of Treants in the entire desert, but you gotta break an egg to make an omelet. The casing is cooled with enchanted steel forged from Underdark iron; we've lost a few male employees in the process of getting that ore. But the iron is enchanted to protect the whole thing from falling damage, elemental damage, acid, digestion, stomping, you name it, we've made it. Keeps the magical core cool and operational too!

Can't tell you what the core's made of. Trade secret! However, it's enchanted with a handy Dimensional Door spell. Just point that sucker at a surface, say the magic word, and you'll have an entryway. That's not hyperbole; the operational word to cast the spell is in fact magical. Also keep in mind to put down another doorway before you try to enter the first; according to testing data, it doesn't lead to a fun place and you'll never return.

The Handheld Dimensional Doorway Device, brought to you by the brightest minds here at the Aperture Trade Cartel. Remember, steal from us and we know where you'll live.

I'm Cave Johnson. We're done here.

Cave Johnson here.

Had the lab boys running some numbers, and the result are in: there are no ways your testing experience could not be improved if you let us replace your left hand with a retractable grappling hook.

No drawbacks whatsoever, not one. We'll even let you keep anything we chop off you.

If you're interested, talk to a testing associate for more information about the procedure. Just don't get too 'attached'. (heh)

We'll be taking it back afterwards.

We're done here.

Cave Johnson here. We accidentally dug into the Underdark while digging these next few chambers, so if you happen to see any Drow hunters, just, ah, try to complete the test like they're not there. For science.


"The average fire elemental is one-hundred percent pure fire. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. For this next test, we're gonna have you hit some fire elementals with whatever you've got, and see if you can't get that down to fifty or sixty percent."

"Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of dimensional travel. So, word of advice: If you meet a God on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Wizards tell me that might wipe out the universe. Entirely. Every plane of it. So do yourself a favor and leave the big guys to their business. Maybe tell a cleric their religion -isn't- just a big pile of lies."

Fucking Captcha. What are people up to at 1:02am?

Cave Johnson here

The next test chamber is... currently undergoing renovations. But the good news is it's still a fertile testing ground for more science. The previous experiment involved pointing two Mirrors of Opposition at one another, turns out that was not a good idea. You win some you lose some.

So anyway it's time to test the effectiveness of the Apeture Trade Cartel Dual Ended Smiting-rod. One end will kill the good copies, the other will kill the bad copies. Good luck figuring out which are which. Don't guess wrong though, it just seems to make them angry.

If you do make them angry try to throw the Apeture Trade Cartel Dual Ended Smiting-rod as far towards the door as you can before you are torn to shreds. We assure you that the rod was intended to be that color of red. Not the consequence of an earlier test subject, we promise.

We're done here.
"Kobolds. You love 'em, I love 'em, hell -everybody- loves 'em. Problem is? There's just too damn many of them. But we may have the solution. This next test requires you to lure them into our new Kobold Krushers. These things can detect small creatures, and bam! You're a paste. The artificers say we've got all the kinks worked out, but if the Krushers go after you, try to keep your normal-sized bones from jamming up the works."
Cave Johnson here.
I've got a squirrel here that can talk. We'd like you to stuff it into a meat grinder, stuff in some residuum, and see what happens when you make magic talking squirrel sausage. If you start choking to death, remember: One thumb up if it's just a bone in your windpipe, two if it filled your lungs with necrotic energy.

Cave Johnson here. Now, I know you're questioning what that thick blue gel is leaking from that tube in the ceiling. Well, that was originally part of one of our experiments on creating magic-proof surfaces that could reflect spells back at the enemy. Worked horribly, in retrospect. Had a bit of an enchanted dragon organ ratio mix-up, in addition to using the wrong organs of the dragon, and it instead magnified the effects of magic up to a hundred times. Heh, you should have seen the look on their faces as those magic missiles grew to the size and strength of a Tarrasque's fist.

But, as it turns out, we mixed it properly to reflect physical damage instead, which is why it wasn't the magic missiles that killed them, but the blunt force trauma of flying back and forth between two walls for an hour. Go figure. So just take a hop on our new Reflection Gel, but be careful! The ceiling's low in some places and you were probably not given a helmet.

This is Cave Johnson, and we're done here."

Cave Johnson here. As an attempt to recuperate for our losses last fiscal period, you may have heard of our attempts to win money through horse races. Currently, the courts can't prove that our own horses were given supplements, but our hearts go out to the families of the dead jockeys and visitors in the stands from those separate, unrelated occasions. Frankly, last time I ever trust a group of Orc scientists. "Color it red" indeed.

But you seem like a trustworthy person, so here's the skinny. We tried mixing haste potions with enchanted sand from hourglasses, gave it another zap of a haste spell, added a pinch of two of enraged barbarian blood and gave the horses a bit of a taste. Fun fact, you should probably keep this stuff away from your mouth, eyes or any open wounds. The result is our new Acceleration Gel, which works like a charm! Just make sure you leave a patch of space between the gel and any obstacles in your way. You might not be able to stop without digging in your heels, and frankly that's scuffing up the floors down there horribly. Not to mention that organs are ending up all over our clean walls.

Now, get testing. This is Cave Johnson, and we're done here."

This next test features pure nightmares. Do not be alarmed. Velociraptors? Nightmare. Your dead parents dismissing all of your accomplishments? Nightmare. You not having pants on? Not part of the test. This thing won't physically affect you. Put your damn pants back on.
Cave Johnson here with a little reminder: there *are* no control groups in the alchemist's fire testing chambers. So, when I responded to complaints of thirst with "suck it up," I did not mean that literally. Do not drink it. It is fire.

reading it all in his voice

Anyone actually awake?
The boys in the robes told me that these puzzles could all be easily solved with magic, and that we couldn't afford to implement long-term antimagic fields, so you know what I did? Fired 'em. Then I hired people who told me that we *did* have enough money to implement long-term antimagic fields, and I fired them, too. Then I used their salaries to implement long-term antimagic fields. Long story short: no magic, boys.
Cave Johnson here. I was looking into the Home Security market when I noticed it's all just better, harder to pick locks. Not for me. That said, I give you the Arcane Science Door-Like Defense Mechanism. Pretty simple. Bag of caltrops. Storm Pillar. Dust Devil. Whirling electrified blender. Just try to get into this crypt. Your funeral. Cave Johnson, we're done here.

If every hair on your body is standing on end right now, trust me - that's normal. Just the latent electricity. In this next next test we're going to be bombarding you with lightning. If the lab boys have this worked our properly, you are going to be shocked to death by one bolt, then jolted back to life with another. Or cooked. You may just be cooked.

Cave Johnson here, this next test is a bit of a time-saver for us. Turns out that board we went to asking about a renewable food source, the Teejee Initiative? Well they kind of sold us a lemon. Turns out Tarrasque meat doesn't grow more Tarrasque meat. . .

It grows actual Tarrasques.

So get into that kitchen and do some obliterating. No, seriously, you're going to have to completely annihilate those steaks to keep them from replicating. Hope you brought your Wand of Disintegration.

Oh, and if you had any of the Tarrasque sausage this morning, I've got some bad news for you. You're gonna want to induce some vomiting.

Cave Johnson. We're done here.

Cave Johnson here!

This next chamber involves testing out the natural armor of dragons. Of course, the lab boys tried to convince me that using live dragons would kill all the test subjects before we could gather data, so I fired them. Turns out they may have been right. Oh, and make sure to step over the charred corpses on the way into the testing room.

This is Cave Johnson, I'm outa here.

For this next test, we're going to be experimenting with a special suit of armor that can deflect any magical attack thrown at it. There's just one problem - so far, it only reliably works if you have low self-esteem, so if you're not up to being incinerated by a blast of chain lightning, you'd better start thinking about all those job offers you never got.

Cave Johnson here!

Aperature trade cartel has been doing research on how to kill people inside their armor, but keep the armor intact in order to maximize looting potential. The people in marketing tell me that this would sell great with adventurers.

In this next room, there are several lemons left over from the exploding lemon experiment encased in suits of armor. Use the Aperture Trade Cartel Pokey-Glowy-Gizmo to penetrate the armor and destroy those lemons. and if you happen to have gotten one of the exploding lemons, make sure you toss the Pokey-Glowy-Gizmo back by the door before you die from being perforated with shrapnel.

If you manage to survive, don't forget to deposit all Aperture Trade Cartel devices in the bin located helpfully near every door.
I'm Cave Johnson, and I'm outa here.
Cave Johnson here;

You're going to need a silver dagger for this next test. Those aren't cheap, so any more of them you find while you're in there, just bring them back to us after you're finished testing.

The lab boys left a note here about what to do if you get bitten;
'flips page'
"Do not get bitten".

Remember, you need to completely close the outer door before you open the inner one.
Good luck.

"Cave Johnson here. Now, step over to the testing chamber and take a good long look at those boots. You see those? They just scream class. That's real minotaur leather. Caroline helped with the design.

Now, those boots are the second most important part of the test because they -will- be the ones saving your bacon. We designed them by studying the angle of friction required for a Monk to land without hurting themselves, and we also studied the falling abilities of Rogues to make them whisper-quiet.

And when that didn't entirely work, we enchanted the soles with a minor Feather Fall spell and reinforced the metal braces in case you have to fall fast. The Aperture Trade Cartel Long Fall Boot Apparatus. Try not to sweat too much in them, you're not the only test subject to use that pair.

Cave Johnson, we're done here."

Alright, if you feel like your blood is actually moving of its own volition after this next test, don't panic. That's part of the test. We're going to inject a water elemental directly into your bloodstream. No idea what it'll do. Maybe you'll get some kind of crazy water-based magical powers. Or maybe all of your blood will rip right out of your body, and go on a rampage. But that almost never happens.

Cave Johnson here.
Welcome, Investors, to the demonstration of the Aperture Trade Cartel's Totally Immovable Rod!

Now our Wizards have been working day and night to create and rob that, when activated, will cease all movement. And when I say day and night, I'm not kidding. We've lost two dozen men making this rod, so your funding is extra important to get some more boys with beards.

Now, please watch closely. Our test subject has been sent into this large, open air testing facility. You'll see why it's open air in a second. Now, watch as he places on the ground, press the button and...There it goes! Now, you may not have seen it disappear but let assure you, that space is currently hurtling around that Rod as it makes it's way through the universe. And we didn't lose another test subject, so there's a bonus!

Please remember to pick up your copy of "The Many Uses of the Aperture Trade Cartel's Totally Immovable Rod, And Why You Should Invest!" We won't be doing any more demonstrations, too expensive, so don't forget!

Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Cave Johnson here,

Now, I know your asking "Cave, why are these traps so dangerous? What exactly was in that spellbook of a contract I signed?" Let me answer that question with another question! Who wants to make sixty gold!"


Magic isn't about why. It's about why not! Why is so much of our magic dangerous? Why not marry safe magic if you love it so much! If you loved safe-magic so much, why don't you make a magic safety door that doesn't hit you on the butt on the way out! Because you are fired!

Not you test subject, your fine.

Yes. You. Box. Your stuff. Out the front Door. Stable. Horse. Goodbye.

The wizards are wondering if this next test might be too hard for you. -I'm- wondering when their balls are going to drop. They're not adventurers, like you or me. They've never seen the glory of battle, felt the warm spatter of blood on their faces from the killing blow. I've -done- it though - and -you've- done it. And you'll do it again! For science!

So get in there, and kill that damn dragon, and cut out its heart! For science!
Cave Johnson here.

This next test chamber is to test out our inertial dampening amulet. That's why we are going to be dropping boulders on you. Now don't you worry, the boys have assured me that the inertial dampeners will work this time, and reduce all the bludgeoning damage to nothing. If you successfully complete the challenge, we will proceed onto the High-Velocity-Low-Mass test.

Cave Johnson, I'm outa here

Cave Johnson here!

Congratulations on making it to the High-Velocity-Low-Mass test. See Caroline, I told you there wouldn't be any problem. The boys tell me that in theory, the inertial dampening amulet should prevent damage from a piercing weapon such as an arrow or ballista bolt. However, here at Aperature Trade Cartel, we spare no expense in our magical research. That's why I had the boys in the pointy hats supercharge a catapult spell to launch cone shaped adamantine slugs.

The boys at R&D tell me that the shield wasn't designed to withstand the velocities we were getting, so I made them test it out. Shows what they know, the amulet survived every time.

Cave Johnson, I'm outa here.


Cave Johnson here!

Remember when we said we were doing animations? Well the clerics didn't like raising some of the volunteers, and they left. But we need to get rid of the ones that turned into zombies. Before you enter this next test chamber, feel free to grab an Aperture Trade Cartel Rod-o-Positive-Energy. It channels as much energy as a cure-moderate-wounds spell, without running out of charges. Get to it, those zombies are not getting out like they did in Raccoon City.

Cave Johnson, we're done here.

The next test involves Aperature Trade Cartel's patented Garbage Annihilation Sphere. Thought we'd have one in every home by the end of the year. Turns out it eats anything. We're going to need you to turn it off. Grab the Cancellation Rod and get to it. The robe-wearers tell me you might want to stand back when you do it though.

I am now imagining D&D Portal.

And It is wonderfull.

"Some people say you see a bright light before you die. Don't worry, that's not what that light was. That light was to -blind- you. Temporarily. For science.

In this next test, you will be trying out our patent-pending 'Echolocation' enchantment. It should let you see using whatever sounds you make. That's what all the screaming is from.

Well, that, or it might just burn like hell.

Go get 'em, son!

Cave Johnson here. It's been brought to my attention that you've been stealing anything that's not physically nailed down. The boys in the robes wanted me to find a solution, and I have: Stop it. That's my stuff. You put it down, right now. I don't even know why you'd want most of that - it hasn't fully been tested yet!

Actually, scratch that. Take what you want. But we're going to start hitting you with animate object spells periodically from here on out.

Take care to avoid those statues, they’re Aperture Cartel property, and touch the mirrors, those things are damn expensive. Now, this test is a simple one, we’re attempting to see just how many mirrors it takes before a basilisk’s petrifying gaze is rendered useless. If you’re not part of the group for this test then make sure you keep your eyes closed throughout the maze of mirrors. Now for those who are- HEY! What did I say about those mirrors!

Now, in this chamber we'll be testing our new Aperture Cartel Smoke Bombs. Now these aren't your fancy pansy little puff of smoke bombs no sirree, our smoke bombs have been enchanted with various spells that create smoke. Fog Cloud, Obscuring mist, Solid Fog, the classics, but we may have gotten a Cloud Kill mixed up in there... So if you start coughing up internal organs wave down a test associate and we'll begin to get the cloud out of there immediately.

This seems like a good idea to point out that we have a re-animation experiment going on a few chambers away, so if you want an extra 60 gold feel free to approach the test associate just before you start throwing smoke bombs around.


Before you go into this next chamber, I have good news, and bad news.

The good news is that the Insanity Mist in there is heavier than air.

The bad news is that we overfilled the chamber, so it's full of the stuff anyways.

Oh, and I guess it's also bad news that there's insanity mist in there at all. But you've probably figured that out by now.

>>18723180
Yeah, I'm sticking one in thePathfinder game I'm running.

If you've cut yourself at all over the course of these tests you might have noticed that your blood has been replaced with pure alchemist's fire. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible flesh-to-fire spell and that just means it's working.

If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test wizard know, because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be adamantine. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week though start worrying and come see us because...that's not supposed to happen.

Just as a heads up we're going to have a wand of greater teleportation turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best case scenario, you might get the ability to teleport. Worse case an intellect devourer, which we'll banish.

For this next test, you're going to each need to take one of our 'anti-teleportation' potions... and a map. This baby already resists minor teleportation, so now we're going to be bombarding you with the -really powerful- stuff. See if you stick around. If you don't, we can't really say where you might end up. Hence the map.

Okay, for this next test, we've replaced one or more of you with doppelgangers. Don't know which ones. Could be none of you.

Point is: you need to figure out who they are, using only the tools provided to you: a pointed stick and a heavy rock.

Good luck.

Cave Johnson here!
You may have felt a slight disturbance in the astral plane, as if something terrible has ripped through reality and emerged here. Don't worry, that's normal.
In unrelated news the next test is no longer about augmented summoning spells, but an experimental
take on improve diplomacy with denizens from another plane. Hope you brought Cold Iron.
Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Cave Johnson here!

You know, for a long time I thought that burning lemons were our crowning achievement here at Aperature Trade Cartel. Well, the boys in the pointy hats have outdone themselves this time. They claim they've managed to stuff a prismatic burst into the lemons now. I msut say, I'm quite eager for this next test.

In the test chamber ahead, you will find an amulet that will help in increase your concentration. Well, get to it, we don't have all day.

Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Dm notes:Amulet should increase player saves against prismatic effects


"This next test involves you, a potion of acid resistance, and a pool of acid. We're -pretty- sure we have the formula right this time, but just in case, I'd grab a pair of goggles."


Cave Johnson here. Let me ask you something young aspiring adventurers; What's worse than owlbears? Fiendish owlbears! And before we start pointing fingers of who did what and who might have accidentally made a blood sacrifice where in the name of Magiscience, we need to focus on the issue. The issue being they are loose and spreading corruption of their own twisted geneology to all they touch. So! Get on cleaning that up and we might just have a big fat bonus for you! Maybe even offer you some enchanted gear from our top Enchanters! What do you say to that?

Just so you know we're mashing magic and science then smushing it against the wall. A good chance it is gonna smell bad, but that's expected.


We seemed to have created hundreds of monsters that have escaped into the wild. Before you submit proposals on how to contain the situation I already have one: send children out to capture them in magical containment devices. That we SELL them. Make a new hobby, get hundreds of weirdoes buying our products. Make it so.


Cave Johnson here, and lemme tell you, we've finally gotten that old 'maximize' problem licked. Y'see, your normal wizard will think that maximizing spells is the best way to go about things. We here at Aperture have taken the next step in spell-effectiveness, by combining every known metamagic feat into a single meta-feat.

Now, the boys down in R&D tell me it's a bit unstable, so that's why we have field testing. So, from now on, every single wand will be given this feature. Now, I'm told that some of you don't want your Wands of Cure Light destroying everything in a three city radius, and that it's 'environmentally irresponsible' to burn down an entire forest to make one of these beauties. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, though, which is why we decided to exterminate a couple species of egg-bearing monster, plus something my boys down in R&D called the 'Dire Moose', just to give these babies an extra kick.

Now, I'm sure a few of you are wondering what will happen. That's a concern for people like me; visionaries, and real thinkers. If you have any problems, have your charred remains write a note to the legal department, and if you manage to pass the reviews, we'll see you get a nice gift certificate good for 20% off your next purchase.

Aperture Magitech; we're done here.

So the other day I got to thinking. "Why should I have to worry about my spell selection? That cleric down the street doesn't have to worry about his. So I got the techs cracking, and we came up with this. You may note it's a slightly modified illithid tentacle mounted on a backpack. All you need to do is activate it, and it crawls right in your ear and scrambles your brain just right, letting you refresh and reselect your spells. Works for sorcerers, too. Only downside is that every so often it scrambles a little too well. We'll iron that out. Ted knew what he was doing when he agreed to the hazard pay. Speaking of, anyone want to make a little more platinum this month?"


If you wake up feeling woozy do not panic. Your blood was just replaced with liquid mana so you are literally brimming with power. Try not to sneeze as you may explode, and it will leave one heck of a mess to clean up. Other than that feel free to cast whatever spells you want, but try not to cast them too fast, or you will start shrivelling like a raisin.
The local thieves' guild broke into our vaults last night, and stole several Rods of Greater Dragon Ally, so we stole them right back. The thieves, that is. We're still working on the Rods. Bean counters are gonna be on my ass until we get that resolved.

Our best men have been working on a better Probe Thoughts. But we need to prove objectively they work, and thoughts are tricky business. So, to work that out, we'll be making physical manifestations of your thoughts. You were all veterans of the latest pyrrhic victory against those drow scum, and performed admirably in that fight. The boys have assured me the whole procedure's perfectly safe. Just think happy thoughts, and we can all get out of this quickly and painlessly.

The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven gold coins worth of Tarrasque Dung, much less seventy million. Bought it anyway. Engineers said the Tarrasque Dung was too volatile to experiment on. Tested on it anyway. Ground it up, mixed it into a gel. And guess what? Ground up Tarrasque Dung is pure poison. I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out it's a great portal conductor.

Cave Johnson here.

Edible gelatinous cube! Wave of the future. This baby is going to make them invent a new map, just so they can put us on that one too. The lab boys tell me one cube will feed up to ONE HUNDRED starving orphans and...

Huh? Really.

Okay. I've just informed that it's been FED one hundred starving orphans and seems to have no...what's that? "No limit to its consumptive capacity." Well, you might wanna sneak around it during this next test, then. Unless you want to put Aperture Trade Cartel's acid-proof armor through its paces! We've almost finished one gauntlet!

Nah, probably better you just sneak. Remember, it's got tremorsense! Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Magi Johnson here. Now because of certain laws that are beyond my control and a number of exiles for our Alchemists from various kingdoms, we've found the only logical place we can work is in the Underdark without causing international incident.

But hey! That's fine! We soldier on even if we have to go through a hundred metric tons of solid rock. The problem though happens to be drow and deep gnomes. The little buggers are everywhere. We keep most for testing but they might have a nest here somewhere. So that's where you come in for this pest problem!

Now, as a precaution to certain Mind-shattering-and-Consuming Aberrations we have provided you with certain protective rings. They will cancel any kind of psychic energy these squid-faced horrors might unleash upon you. However, since they are in the 'testing' phase they have a MINOR tendency to sometimes paralyze you for 24 hours. Not our problem. They still keep you safe from mind-boggling and that's what they were made for.

In case you're interested, there's still some positions available for that bonus oppurtunity I mentioned earlier. Again: all you gotta do is let us kill and resurrect you; we're not banging rocks together here, we know how to resurrect a man. So, that's a complete resurrection, new vitals, spit-shine on the old ones, plus we're turning you into a worm that walks. Frankly, you ought to be paying us.

Greets champion, hero, and or desperate peasant. I have a question who wants to make 20 gold, yesterday? That last clause was literal by the way. We'll be using a new causality violating spell to send you one day into the past. There you will proceed to the check-in station designated on you map and receive your pay. This afternoon we will be checking the books to see how many of you have already been paid.

Now you might be asking, "Cave why does this spell also teleport me to the forest outside the Apature Magic branch office exactly one day's travel by horse away, rather than another part of this facility?" Well, the boys down in arcane lore tell me that if past and present iterations of the individual this spell is cast on come within 100 yards of one another there is a slight chance time might be destroyed. And since this particular piece of lore is 800 years old and the legal measurement of a yard has changed three times since then we would prefer not to take chances. Also you might want to pack a sword because the forest has a slight goblin problem.

Oh and if for any reason you end up going further into the past than is expected you might want to buy a calendar and then hide in a hole somewhere in the woods to wait it out, because again, come within 100 yards of yourself and causality is nullified.

Good luck and Gods speed.

Please, dear God, tell me we're archiving this.

>>18723279
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/18722451/

It is done.

Up ahead, we have an interesting development. What's worse than running afoul of a den of kobolds? If you said Dire housecats, you have a limited imagination, but are correct. From what I understand, these particular specimens are the rare "Underdark Tabby" variety. Tough buggers, but remarkably affectionate. Mr. Meowmers jumped up and licked the last guy through here in the face. Of course, the Underdark Tabby is well know for it's Armor-negating tongue, took his face clean off. That reminds me, if you think having a normal cat bring you gifts of half-eaten birds and rodents is annoying, imagine what a half-ton version does. Getting half-orc blood out of carpeting is a nightmare at best.


My engineers just gave me a message about that Heal Critical Wounds Elixir. *Rustle parchment* Do not use the H.C.W. batch number 27. They've been mislabeled and are in fact Heal Critical Wounds Salve, consumption will result in the mouth, throat, and stomach healing itself shut prior to suffocation. *annoyed thump* I guess the thralls in the printing section dropped the ball again, I guess having mindless undead abominations on Quality control wasn't the best call, but on the bright side, we can re-label them as a diet aide / assassination tool.


>>18723279
Wouldn't imagine so, last time these were posted you pencil pushers didn't know what to do! Best get saving, I'm done here.

I keep all of these threads. Cave Johnson is the Headmaster of the Aperture Alchemy Institute, and each of these entries can provide weeks of entertainment.

Greetings friend. I'm Cave Johnson, High Magi of Aperture Trade Cartel. You might know us as a vital participant of the 968 senate hearing on missing heroes, and you've most likely used one of the many products we invented but other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt...
>Sir, the testing?
Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, "Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that spellbook of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?" Let me answer those questions with a question. Who wants to make sixty silver? Coin. You can also feel free to relax for up to twenty minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the haystacks most of you were sleeping on when we found you. So! Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it.
Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.

All these science spheres are made out of plutonium elementals, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's plutonium.
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of plutonium poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of storytelling, plus you forwarded the cause of magiscience by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my necromantic computer and it makes a happy face.

>>18723419
>I punch those numbers into my necromantic computer and it makes a happy face.

Laughed harder than at the original

>>18723579
>now imagining a smiling skull faced GLaDOS

I'm now imagining Wheatley as a bumbling lich's skull.

>>18724305
GlaDOS as a lich with several skulls floating around her, which you destroy?

Hello investors, Cave Johnson here.
Fireballs are nice, aren't they? Oh yes, we all love fireballs.
But a fireball might be enough for magic, but not for Aperture Magic! Here what we have are mice skulls charged with fireballs! Just crush them and release the magic.
Also we thought you might be interested in a way to propel them. Here we are! A small, self-reloading golem-crossbow! You just need to replace regular bolts with mice-skull bolts!
So you can protect things that matter most.
Just try and get close to that baby. Hah, your funeral!

>>18724314
Certainly not Rick the Adventure Skull

I love this thread.

Greetings, investors! Cave Johnson here.

Now, we had a little setback with the invincible lich program. It turns out our supply company scrambled our order for adamantine phials and shipped us a gross of Wands of Wonder instead. We put in another order, but they're Dwarves, so no promises.

Now, here at Aperture Science, we believe that "mistake" is just another way to say "opportunity", so I got the boys in the lab to cook up a use for all those wands. If you're not a Wild Mage, you probably know that the problem with Wands of Wonder is consistency. And if you are a Wild Mage, our automated defense golems should be lighting you on fire right about... now. Take that, you random bastard! Anyways, there's nothing worse than trying to conjure a Valkyrie to fight off the giant dire hornet trying to burrow a hole in your skull and instead getting a bouquet of petunias.

The solution is the Aperture Science Probability Manipulation Apparatus. Just put your wand inside this box, set these dials to the desired effect, trigger the wand, and BAM, you get the effect you selected. The eggheads have informed me that the device manipulates the probability field of everything inside it, so if your hand comes back as a tentacle, an animate skeleton, or a blob of amorphous goo, then it's working as intended.

Cave Johnson, pack it up boys. We're done.

>>18724355
You mean "Rick the Adventure's Skull". Poor Rick, all he wanted to do was adventure...

How about the Love Skull?

>>18725650
Sorry, wrong pic.

Magnificent. Have a bump.

My sides!!!

The corrupted knowledge skull would be hilarious.

So wait. GlaDOS is, essentially, the superlich made out of an entire skeleton of demiliches?